Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Desus & Mero

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

Desus Nice feels like a diversity hire about being Conan O’Brien’s friend; The Kid Mero feels semi-aroused about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Conan sits down with the hosts of Bodega Boys and Desus & Mero to talk about their new book God-Level Knowledge Darts: Life Lessons from the Bronx, the benefits of sporting their merch, and their beef with Jaleel White. Later, Conan and Sona go head to head with a Big Dick History quiz. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Deezus Nice, and I feel like a diversity hire about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hi, my name is Akid Mero, and I feel semi aroused about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by my ever-present and trusty assistant Sonam Obsession. I don't like that. Yeah, ever-present is a pretty low bar. That's a very low bar.

You're just present often, and Matt Gorley, how are you, Matt? Good. I'm ever-precious. Okay. That was a mistake. That's something you're going to regret. I know. That was a word fart.

Yeah. We have a wonderful show today. We're going to have a very good show. Yeah. Very excited about our guests, but I do have a complaint to register, which is we were recording yesterday here in the podcast space here at Year Wolf Studios on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. I walked in, and the first thing I said when I walked into the studio was, oh my god, it

really smells bad in here. Okay. Sam, you came out, right? Yeah. You came out, and you were like, oh, I don't smell anything. I'm like, I'm not an odor-sensitive person. My wife smells everything. I don't.

I don't pick up on scents, but I was like, no, it is powerful. This smells like a New York subway stop. Come on. This sounds like a 14. It really did. It smelled bad, and I'm saying all this. It did not. Hold on.

And I'm saying all of this, and you're there the whole time, so you're going, huh, really? I don't smell anything. And I'm like, yeah, it smells bad. It smells, and then I said, it smells like old year in here. You said it smells like old year in in cleaning chemicals, and Sona said, that's crazy. And Sona said, that's crazy. And then there was a pause, and Sona said, thank you, Sam. And then Sona said, oh, my dog, Oki, just urinated right next to where you're sitting

about 20 minutes ago. So yes, in the Earwool studio, so you brought your dog, Oki, and Oki, and you said, hey, he never does that. My question is, the dog urinates, you see it happen. Your husband, who I love, tack, immediately finds some cleaning chemicals and tries to get it up. Yes. Okay, out of the way.

Yes. Then I go sit in that same spot, and I'm saying, what is that smell, and you're going, I don't know. What do you smell? And I'm saying, I don't know. It really smells like urine and cleaning chemicals, and you said, that's crazy. Pause. Oh, my dog urinated there 15 minutes ago.

So what were you doing? Were you trying to hope that I would move on to a different topic? No. First of all, we're in Hollywood, which just does smell like urine in general. We're indoors in Hollywood. It smells like urine outside, and listen to what I mean, it really does smell like urine. Just walk on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That's true.

Each star has been urinated on over the years. Yeah. That's how they christen them. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a real star until someone is urinated on it. Yeah. The star themselves has to urinate on the star.

Yes. The star has to, the star himself, Doris Thee Dandridge, had to go herself and urinate on her star. Look, I just. So what were you doing? Were you lying to me? No, I wasn't lying to you. I didn't know if that's what it was, because she, she's a small dog.

It smells like urine, and your dog had just urinated there, and you're thinking, maybe it's different urine. I thought. Then the urine I just saw shoot out of my dog's dick under the rug. First of all, she's a girl, so it's. Well, then why does she have a dick? Yeah. Okay.

Your dog does have a penis. Also, Tak cleaned it right away. He like, got found like a carpet cleaner. Well, apparently he didn't, because first of all, you know, urine famously just doesn't come out of a rug. And Sheila, you sit there, it was about four hours. I was sitting there for a while, and it was, and it really stank up the whole room. It didn't stank up the whole room.

Elkie does not normally pee on a carpet. She's very well trained. Right. She's been through a lot. She had an infection. We've been through a lot. She's been through a lot. I didn't realize Oki was in the Korean War.

What are you talking about? Oki's been through a lot. She had a vet appointment yesterday, because she had a little infection on her cheek. And so she was going through a lot. And so. It wasn't even visible to the eye. I know, but we felt it, and we knew it. She was going through a lot.

I tried to feel for it. I felt nothing. Okay. You know what? No. Oki went through a lot. I think her peeing just a little bit on the rug was just a small little thing she was doing.

It's fine. It doesn't smell like pee now. The bigger point was, you watched me sit there in a chair in the ear wolf lobby saying, I smell urine. I'm telling you, I smell urine. And you knew that your dog had urinated on that very spot just previously, and you played dumb. I was embarrassed for her.

I was embarrassed for myself. And so I just, I was really. And you did what? What do you mean? You kind of just. I was hoping you would have just, you would just move on, but you literally talked about it for a really long time to the point where I just had to eventually be like, yeah, guilty as charged.

So Sam, wouldn't you say that that's a guilty verdict on your part? I would say it's a guilty verdict and not an apology. Yeah. What the hell, Sam? Thank you, Sam. I love this Sam guy. Fuck you, Sam. Sam, by the way, doesn't.

Oh God. Sam, you can reply to that. I have to say it. I got to defend you, Sona, because I never smelt it during that session. Thank you. From home. You were home. I'm just saying I never smelled anything.

I was here. You were not here in the Irwin Studios. You bastard. I just said, I didn't. I couldn't smell anything. Sam, I defend you. You're a great audio technician, engineer. Any other things you want me to throw in there, a podcaster extraordinaire, and I think a

brilliant man. And finally, a voice of reason around here because Matt always defends Sona no matter. If Sona threw a torch at the Hindenburg and it exploded, Matt would say, I didn't see anything or a nice toss. That was overhand, not underhand. Yeah. We're allies. And Sona would go, I did throw a torch, but I don't think it's related.

Yes. Yes. Oh, Sam. Sam, just. Sam. You know what? Did you have anything to do with the Hindenburg explosion, Sona? I don't think so, no.

Oh, were you holding a torch? Yeah, but what's your point? Did you throw it at the Hindenburg as it docked in Lakehurst, New Jersey in 1936? Okay, we get to know about the Hindenburg. Okay. I know history. I know exactly where it was. Look at me slide that bit of information in to let you know that I know things.

I guess you showed me, me and my book reading. I should be ashamed of myself. Our guest today is a wonderful actress. She's just fresh off her star tour. Give some details. You know, I will say. Where the Hindenburg. Please, Sona, don't you have a dog to squeeze urine out of?

Okay. That's not how dogs pee. Onto, onto a rug. There's no good transition here. I'm just going to say it. My guests today are the hosts of the very popular Bodega Boys podcast, as well as the Showtime series, Deces and Miro, which airs Sundays and Thursdays at 11 p.m. They also have a New York Times bestselling book, God level knowledge darts, life lessons

from the Bronx, which is available now. I'm thrilled to talk to these gentlemen today. Deces and Miro, welcome. First of all, congratulations on everything that's been happening to you for a while now. Now you've got a book too, God level knowledge darts. Reading this book, I love it. I'll also freely admit there are moments where I'm lost. I don't know what you're talking about because I'm not as knowledgeable, let's say, about

the Bronx maybe as you guys are. I'm this Boston asshole who grew up watching Red Sox games and was told that if I ever went to Yankee Stadium, I believe this, I was told in fifth grade if I ever went to Yankee Stadium to see a Yankee game and I wore a Red Sox cap, I'd be murdered. They told me that. In fifth grade, we believed it. They said, oh yeah, they just murder Red Sox fans and the New York police. They don't prosecute.

They just let it. And I believe, and it's true, right? Yeah, it used to be true. Back when this was a good city, back before de Blasio ruined everything, you know, used to be able to murder a Red Sox fan. Well, good old Rudy was in charge, you know? Well, I'm talking about, I'm older than you guys. I'm talking about 70s.

You talking about? 77, son of Sam is loose, it's that era of Yankees. And I was told, I watched the movie The Warriors and I thought it was a documentary. I saw gang, gangs running around dressed as mimes and carrying baseball bats and killing people. And I thought, we thought that's really what New York City was. At that time, people were just setting fires all over New York City and getting away with it.

So you weren't that far off. The part that bothered me was, there was a gang of mimes. I'm sorry, they had white paint on. They were mimes and they carried baseball bats and they were dressed as New York Yankees. And the fact that I believe that when I was in fifth grade, well, that just took things to a whole new level for me. That gang went on to become UCB. So it all worked out.

That's right. I recognize Amy Poehler was in there and Matt Besser, you're right, you're right. This good improv started as gang culture, right? It's true. A lot of people know that. Bronx and Brooklyn East Side Gangs and East Coast Gangs turned into what we now know as improvisation and improvisation groups. That's in the director's kind of West Side Story.

Exactly. It's criteria on a collection. That's the West Side Story I want to see. There was a whole, you have to understand, my era, I will be very open with you guys. I'm a 58-year-old white woman and always in a state of transition. And I watched the, what's it, damn it, the Death Wish movies. And they're really fun to watch. Then later on, I worked in New York in the 80s.

I lived in Williamsburg for a bit when it wasn't cool to live there. But then I lived in New York in the 90s and 2000s when New York just started to become super fancy. And I would still watch the Death Wish movies that I had watched as a kid. And there are these moments where Charles Bronson says things like, I tell you, it's a murder out there. And someone will say, I don't think New York's so bad. And he'll say, you ever try and walk on 72nd in Amsterdam after 11 o'clock at night?

And I think, yeah, I went there last night and... I got a bubble tea. I know. I got a bubble tea. I got a bubble tea and then I had just like an amazing latte. What are you talking about? So yeah, I had a skewed vision of New York. So that's on me.

That's totally on me. New York is, it's still kind of wild though. Like, you know what I mean? A lot of people don't know this. At the Bronx Zoo, there's actually no cages or moats or anything. The animals just roam free. So... You could get mulled by a tiger.

Guys, you know what? It's an interact. I see what they're doing, it makes it an interactive zoo. I think that's what they're doing for us. It's free range. We've got a few taxing around everywhere. You know? Maybe two or three pit bulls in there.

The best part is like, you get people nowadays and they're like, wow, New York is going back to how it was in the 80s. You're like, it is not. No, it's not. We're not even at 2016 levels. What are you talking about? You can get gelato delivered to your door at 3 a.m. We're not exactly in a panic crisis over here.

You know what's so funny? I have a friend, a good friend of mine, he's been my friend forever, Rodman, and he grew up in Hell's Kitchen, and he grew up in the New York of the 70s and that time square and that era of New York. Like Mean Streets? Yeah, exactly. So... And it's so funny.

He moved to LA, but I stayed in New York because I was doing the late night show. And I remember once, taking a walk at night, I think I was walking my dog and I'm in Central Park at night and I'm talking to him. He said, well, where are you right now? I said, I'm in Central Park. And he's like, you're in Central Park? And he looked at his watch. Get out of there.

He's like, it's midnight. Get out of there! Get out! And I said, what are you talking about? And just then, you know those things that you see in Central Park sometimes where it's a circle with wheels, it's an iron, and 12 people can get in it. And if they all peddle... Are they all peddling at the same time?

Yes. And they all peddle. One of those went by and the people were like, weeee! And he was like, what was that? Are you being attacked? And I said, no, it was 12 people wearing Lacoste shirts, eating froge, went by and they offered me some free ice cream. A Yorkie brush it up against my leg.

Oh my God, did you immediately report it? Yeah, immediately. I went on the Citizen app, I was like, wild Yorkie, off the leash, attacking people. Technically, that's a hate crime, so you got to watch it. You know, I will say one of the things that I enjoy so much about you guys is you have, I think, for my money, the most organic relationship with each other, comedic relationship, you're both really funny and you play off each other so well, but it's real. I was in situations back when I was a writer where I remembered producers would find two

people who didn't know each other and then they would try to have us figure out how to make them funny together. That's the thing now, that now that the old New York is returning, there's a guy who is, I believe the term is under housed, who has a knife attached to a rope that he just swings around in a circle on like 34th and 8th and he has a buddy that he hangs out with. So there's a perfect example of her. Yeah, they're on HBO Max. Oh, they've got a big HBO Max deal, yeah.

That's a very weird episode of The Flight Attendant, I'll tell you what. It's a good gimmick though, whenever they need to go to rehearsal, he just swings the knife and hits someone and then they go to, and EMT is called and they go to commercial. It's very ingenious. That's got to make the union do so expensive. You got the nurse on set, just currently having to put bandages on everyone because they just have knives. I didn't think of the nurse.

I've never had a nurse on set. No, we have one now because of COVID. We have to have a nurse and she has to yell at celebrities because celebrities don't want to wear masks and stuff and they don't realize that she's, they think she's just like a PA and she's like, I want the school for nursing. Respect me and you're like, you have to, Diddy, please put your mask on, you know. Diddy? What kind of mask does Diddy have?

He doesn't have just a regular mask, does he? He's got to have a different mask. Probably like a cashmere, it probably doesn't like block any viruses but it's just a flex. Cashmere has been proven to trap COVID and nurture it. That's what cashmere does. 100%. Yeah, Diddy has had, he's had COVID-19. COVID-19 nine times.

You know what? It never takes off. Diddy is so rich, Diddy's already had COVID-22. We got to wait. We are here. We are here. We had it imported. Exactly.

Diddy gets all the variants imported and, you know, that's what the new Sirach lineup is going to be. You guys ever think about, I know that your origin story as you met at summer school and I was thinking, you guys need a better origin story. We think about that all the time. You've got to invent one and get it out there now so it becomes part of the lore because meeting the way you guys met doesn't sound cool enough. You've pulled off such an amazing coup in the business.

Now you need to go back and invent the origin story. We were working on a new one. We met in a bar, a comedy club, open bar, whatever. I liked his jokes. He liked my jokes. I was like, oh, you live in the Bronx. Cool. Whatever.

You want to ride home. We're riding home. We're riding a old lady with the car and killer. Love it. Love it. Love it. We drag her body. We put it in the trunk of the car.

We have to end up burying her and we're like, yo, we have to take a blood oath that we will never forget about this and never speak about this and also let's launch a podcast. So as you're tamping down the earth in her shallow grave in upstate New York because you drove all the way up. It's like good fellas. You drove all the way to upstate New York. As you're tamping down the earth over her freshly dug grave, you say, we never speak about this again.

You each cut a thumb. You press it together. Right? Yeah. And then you say, and now we start a podcast. Bodega boys. And then for life. Even better, I go, you know what?

Hiding his body is brought to you by who? Stamps.com. When you need to order stamps, I want you to go right online. They're available right there 24 seven. But they teach us that even if they have forever stamps that are like forever, you only have to buy them one time. They never go up in price. The price fluctuates.

They got, then you hear forever stamps. Tell me more. The lady isn't dead yet. She's pulled herself half out of the dirt and she's setting you up for the next ad. That sounds fantastic. But what do you like to drink while I'm, well, funny you mentioned that lady that we're trying to murder. Spindrift makes an amazing seltzer.

That's right. It's very popular for real fruit juice. When people halfway near death, what you are doing right now. No, as you know, it's funny, we actually came up with a podcast idea as we were pulling out the teeth. So the body would be unidentifiable. There we go. Just make it nice and darker.

Right. Oh, you got to get rid of the teeth. You also have to get rid of the hands and the feet. Yeah. That part. Partel. No, I've been there. I've done shit.

The people that were making fun of my ideas back when I was 22, I killed all of them. Remember all those comedy producers that went missing in the, in 1985 to 88? That was me. Yeah. I remember. Yeah. There were flyers everywhere right under the Dr. Zizmour ads. Wow.

Okay. Hope they find them. You know what I really enjoy so much about both of you is you both have, they're comedians that I know and I consider you two the best at this, who immediately have great information at their fingertips. And it's not like just one of you does that and the other has a different skill. You both have it. You both come up with amazing information instantly.

You always have it and when I listen to you guys, I'm thinking, shit, it just seems to be endless. Like you are, I'm going to date myself now, but like your Rolodex is of just massive amounts of information from your childhood. You haven't forgotten anything. I'm starting to get, I'm starting to get to that age where I go, yeah, yeah, it's like those ads for, damn it. It's gone.

I don't have Dr. Zizmour at my fingertips. Remember the thing. That's going to be you guys in 40 years. It's going to be, as is the mirror, still going. They've set the record for longest running late night show. And it's going to be you guys going, yeah, it's like a member of the Knicks. Yeah. But see, that is going to be even worse because in our minds, our memories are going to be

fresh and relevant and everyone's going to be like, no, you two old geezers, no one wants to hear this. And we watching a Knick game. I'll be like, he reminds me of a young Raymond Felton and everyone's going to be like, who is that? Who is that? Hold on. Let me pause this and Google what grandpa over here said.

There's nothing worse than we're watching sports events. You're like, yeah, bro. He reminds me of Nick Swisher and everyone's like, I'm 20. I have no idea what you're talking about. I have no idea. I don't know where you're talking about. Let me call my father. Maybe he remembers what you're talking about.

But I'm telling you guys, I'm the old man. I'm telling you that this happens. It really does happen because you've been around, when you're around a long time, you have to start saying things that to you seemed pretty recent. But it was eight years ago and in this culture, eight years ago was a thousand years ago. When you get, there's a sad quiet that comes from when you, a young crowd, you make a reference like that and they're like, what? It's like I was talking to this girl at a bar once and we're just talking about, I

forgot, we were talking about the greatest concert you went to and I was like, oh, this Kanye concert, blah, blah, blah. She was like, oh yeah, my mother used to play Kanye when I was growing up and I was like, how are you legally in this bar? How are you here? Wow. You gotta start doing math. Exactly.

I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I almost made a Snorks reference the other day and I was just like, I was like, you know what, never mind. Even the people who make Snorks don't even want you to make Snorks. Wait a minute. I'm telling you right now, Sona, what's a Snork? Yeah, you know what? Snork was like, oh, I know it.

I know it. Okay. Sorry. Matt, what's your, what's your, Matt? I don't even, I don't even know. Matt, you say you claim to know what a Snork is. What is it? Yo, by the way, I just want, this is audio, I don't know if this is audio or video only.

Matt threw his arms up like, you don't know what Snorks are? I know. He's scoffing everyone in the room, yeah, he's livid right now. Snorks are like underwater Smurfs and they have little Snorkles. Right. But remember, their little Snorkles, didn't they go, they were kind of like tails. So they, if they were happy, they went up or something like that. So there was like, were they, they weren't like erections on them, right?

Or am I just remembering something from- I think they were kid-friendly emotional erections. Also, weren't they, this sounds absolutely horrific. Yeah. They were kind of a cash grab by the Smurfs. They were like, if you like Smurfs, you want Smurfs on the water? Definitely. There we go.

Oh, definitely. They're like, it's the 80s. The people who made this are probably coked up. Listen, you're going to buy the toys from Hasbro. Just watch them. Come on. Yeah. So it's an underwater Smurf that becomes erect.

That's what you're saying it is. Right. And there was, wasn't it like the Smurfs? There was only one female Snork? I think maybe, yeah. And it felt like they all had very distinct personalities and no overlap. Right. Yeah.

And wasn't there like word Snork? Snork, like, the way Smurfs would be like, Smurphy Smurf, they'd be like Snork. Yeah, Snork, Snork, Snork, yeah. And then there was like an evil, like, Merv lady. Trying to eat them or something. There always has to be an evil toy. I've got to google this. I've got to see what they look like.

Yeah, look that up and see what it looks like. What about you guys are at that level of success? And again, I congratulate you. By the way, I was driving my car a week ago and I came to a light and I slowed down. That's right, guys, that's right. You two will get a Ford probe one day. You did it. You made a reference.

Guys, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you eventually get to have an automobile. But I pull up in my car and I see there's one of those bus stop ads and it says Desus and Miro and it says Kings of Late Night. And I put down my window and I looked at it and I thought they have won. They have won and I have lost. Were you really that gracious? No.

No. I turned my wheel and I crashed into the ad and it's drunk. You can actually find the footage. I respect that. I respect that. Then the police, you know, they stopped me to question me and I got out of the car and I ran. And they are, but they knew it was me, which was a mistake.

They were like, you look like Conan O'Brien and I said, you'll never catch me or find me as I ran. And you left your car there. I'm not Conan O'Brien. I'm Conan O'Brien. I'm Conan O'Brien. I'm Conan O'Brien for the Dallas Mavericks. Which is a very tall white man running down the street quickly.

There's no vertical leap. Yeah. I'm very happy for you guys. I'm curious about the merch situation because this is something that comes up. You guys are going to have what I think is this surreal experience and I'm sure you've we've had it already now where they show you T-shirts, they show you stuff and they go, here's this merch, what do you think, what's the cool,

first of all, what's the stuff that you're really loving that you're coming out with? Oh, we have, if we drop our actual private merch line, like that goes directly for the Bodega Hive and goes directly with the podcast, that stuff sells out in a couple of minutes. It's ridiculous. That's fantastic. People resell it on the secondary market

for twice its value. This shirts, we don't even have that people have. And then, forget it, if you were like the Deez & Merrill friends and family shirt that the production wearer, they're just like, bro, I'm in the bar, chicks are hitting on me left and right. I can't get out, they love the show. And then, the women that work on our show,

they can't wear it in public because guys are like, so you work on, oh wow, you know Deez & Merrill, that's so cool, can I marry you? Well see, this is what I want. So suddenly, oh, so I'm the guy that flexed because I have a car, there you go. You're telling me that people can get laid just wearing your stuff.

That doesn't happen when you're wearing a Conan T-shirt. Well, you know, it's, listen, I have to wear the T-shirt because I'm driving a 05 Honda Accord, okay? The balance is out. So my question is, because I've had this experience where someone will come to me with something and go, what do you think of this? And it's absolutely terrible.

It's absolutely hideous. Have they come to you with anything where clearly they're not thinking clearly and they've put your names and faces on like a toilet seat or your urinal cake, something that just is abhorrent to you? Every now and then we get pitched something that it usually comes directly to our email and not through our agent, which usually lets us know

this is a terrible idea. And they're like, hey, do you remember what would be the face of baked beans? And they're like, what? The answer is yes. They're like, listen, for too long, Boston's had a death grip on baked beans. We're gonna do Bronx baked beans.

And you're like, what? They're like, listen, so like, we're gonna give you $200 each. We're gonna just use your names and your voices in perpetuity for 10 years and you get free beans. You're like, this doesn't sound like a good idea, but then if I read that email at 4 a.m. when I'm hungry, I'm like, I could go for some free beans. That could change the whole game.

So I'll tell you a real story. I was with my mom and we were in Westerly Road Island once and we walked into, and this is, you know, I've been doing the late night show a number of years. Things are going well. And I went into this Italian restaurant with my mom and we're getting dinner and the waitress comes up and she says, you know what, I recognize you.

And I called the manager and he has a proposition for you. And I said, oh yeah, what's that? And this was like a strip mall Italian restaurant. And she said, you come back here next weekend and you spend Saturday and Sunday here and you say hi to all the guests and take photos with them and we'll promote it. And your meal is free.

Oh my God. Yeah, let's, I remember it. I remember like, I'm gonna get back to you. Yeah, let me circle back on that. 48 hours of work for a plate of breadsticks, let's go. Let's go. I'm gonna try and get you guys the same deal. That's what I'm gonna try and do.

I'm gonna see if I can get you at least as good a deal as that. The merch is dope, but it's like, also I'm like, I wanna meet the person who has a Deezus and Murrow duvet. Like, I wanna meet you. Like, you're super down with the brand. If your whole bed spread is like, Deezus and Murrow. Also, I feel like those people who need to go on a list because they might kill us.

No. Certain pieces of merch aren't really for people to buy and so you can add them to a list of people to watch in the future. Because if they buy stuff, that's just a little too, like if it's a t-shirt that just like has like the skin of our face on it or some weird thing and only one person buys it, you're like, okay, all right.

You're not coming to any live shows. I don't like the cut of your jib. I think if they're buying a duvet, they're not gonna kill you. It's gonna be more like misery. They're gonna cripple you and lay you both out on the bed and they're gonna lie between you and you're gonna just be lying there with them.

And they're gonna make you guys, they're gonna throw out topics and make you riff on them for like 48 hours at a time. That's what's gonna happen. They'd have to allow us access to Twitter, otherwise we'd run out of things to talk about. We'd just be doing the same jokes over. What if they kidnapped us in the beginning of the pandemic?

We'd still be doing Tiger King jokes. You think they want that? I'll be terrible, oh my God. I never want to hear the words Joe or exotic ever again in my life. I know, that's- And I used to love the word exotic. And they ruin it for you.

For weed, dancers? Yeah, they ruin Tigers for me, I imagine. You guys are very frank in this book about all kinds of things. You talk about, you don't have mad respect for alcohol, right, is that fair to say? When you're getting into like- Oh, I see that, as far as like drugs are concerned.

You feel like alcohol is just a waste of time. Yeah, it's like a fake drug. It's like, I'm a drug, but it's like, I don't know. It's like how fire, like sparklers are considered fireworks, you know what I'm saying? Got it, got it. They shouldn't be in the same category. Yeah, like, yo, you're a drug,

but I could go to a bar and get you, you know what I mean? I gotta really go hard and like, get behind the wheel of a car to like endanger myself or like drink so much that I gotta get my stomach pumped. And that's a lot of time. That's a lot of time. You're very, and you speak very passionately about weed, what the kids now call marijuana,

or wacky cigarettes, jazz cigarettes. That's a good idea. I say you're gonna get arrested. If somebody comes up to you looking for pot, you're going to jail. I remembered my uncle once said to me, there's some musician, he came to see me at Serenot Live and there was some musician,

the band was playing at Serenot Live and I was a writer there. And he pointed to the guitar player and he said, tell me that guy with the guitar doesn't have a jazz cigarette jammed down his boot leg. Man. All right. Constable, jazz cigarette jammed down his boot leg.

You got it, Humphrey Bogart. Yeah, exactly. Did I tell you he was wearing a trench coat at the time and solving crimes? And he was in black and white and the rest of us were in color. He did it, and prohibition. All right.

I've tried over the years a couple of times to smoke pot and it has never worked for me. I don't know what's going on. Am I just too uptight, Sona? I think so, right? Don't you guys think like if you're already too uptight that it'll make you even more paranoid and... You know what?

You have to have a real good reason to smoke pot. You can't just smoke pot just cause, hey, people are smoking pot, it's cool. You have to be going through some sort of dire stress or something that's really tearing you apart for you to, at an older age, for you to appreciate pot. Cause if you did it in high school or whatever, it's like, oh, cool kids, euphoria.

Now, you gotta be like, yo, I might lose my house. I might lose this court case. Right, right. You know what? They saw, there's videotape of us hitting the old lady with the car. What are we gonna do? That was kind of situations.

Then you smoke on the pot and it's not gonna work on the first time you hit it. You have to smoke a couple of times and then, and it's not gonna be life changing. It's just gonna be like, yo, it's gonna take you down a notch and then the more you smoke, then you can become terrible. You can grow dreads.

You can transfer to NYU. You can do whatever you want. I'm gonna do all those things. I'm glad that you, I'm glad that you suggested that. I am going to start smoking. I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna smoke jazz cigarettes consistently

and then I'm gonna grow dreads. Okay. Yes. You gotta smoke the right ones though. You gotta smoke the right jazz cigarettes. If you smoke the wrong jazz cigarettes, then you're gonna fly into a panic and think that the FBI is looking for you

and you're gonna end up smashing yourself through your glass coffee table for no reason at all. Now, Sona, I'll out her now, but everyone knows she's pregnant with twins and she's expecting it. She's expecting any day now. So she's been good now for nine months, but you enjoyed the edibles.

I'm a big edibles fan. I mean, I don't know what the situation is in New York, but in LA, you just go and buy whatever you want and it's nice low dosage edibles. It's the best. Well, also in LA, you get them like the way you used to get a mint at a diner. They just give them to you at the end of the meal.

Yeah, we were just in LA and someone gave us a whole bunch of edibles. And the thing is, we're such hardcore smokers, the edibles they gave us were too weak. So I went to the dispensary and I was like, listen, bro, I'm from New York. We don't got edibles. I'm here to fill up my suitcase

and I don't care if TSA catches me. And I was like, let's go, let's go with some edibles. And it was like, okay, well, these are like five milligrams. And I was like, bro, I'm from the Bronx. I have a lot of Timberlands in LA. I'm suffering through June gloom. I need the hard stuff. And the hardest they could give me was like 50 milligrams.

And I was like, can I just like put them all in my mouth at the same time? They was like, yeah, just don't say you got it from us. So I got the fun with the edibles. Yeah. I started like, it's funny because like in our previous program, we were out in LA, like did the whole Venice beach,

you know, graffiti, weightlifting, basketball thing. I was like, I made a promise to myself that like, I've been smoking weed since I was like 13. So this is, and I'm 30, I just turned 38. You know what I'm saying? So like, it's been, I don't know, math, but that's a long time smoking weed. So I was just like, uh...

You just told us all we need to know about smoking weed. You just did a very good public service announcement for... There you go. Right now, someone's taking that blunt and they're like, you know what? Maybe not. Maybe not for a second, you know what I'm saying? Or maybe I keep smoking it and they're like, this guy.

But no, I was like, I made a promise to myself. I was like, listen, you're going to get the highest you've ever been in your life because it's legal here and you don't just have to smoke it in its staircase and run if you hear footsteps. So you can... And they had all kind of cute shit too, like weed lemonade, weed brownies, weed gummies.

You know what I mean? So I was just like, stocking up and I literally was drinking like a thousand milligrams weed lemonade and like shooting three pointers. You know what I mean? I went off one for 16 from beyond the arc. But you know, I was still out there.

It was great. I'm glad you kept track at least. You were able to keep track. And we're just trying to talk to him as we're recording. And he's just doing grunts. He sounded like Tim the two-man tailor from Home Improvement. I'm like, are you all right?

He's like, huh, huh, huh? I'm like, all right, he's still breathing. All right, it's work. Fully functional, just chilling. Terrifying helicopter ride I got to sleep on. Yeah, we almost died in the helicopter ride. Oh, I read about that, that's in the book. I read about it.

Yeah, you guys were in a helicopter. It felt like this is not going to end well. It got perilous. And Miro, you were just so out of it, you didn't care. Is that right? No, I was just like, I was like, you know what? It's just a good time to take a nap. Because you don't want to die awake.

You know, you'd rather die, I'd rather die in my sleep. Never, I guess that's good. When I'm in an ever-near-death experience, I'm going to try and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Yeah, just take a nap. Well, what I learned from it is if you're in a helicopter and it's about to crash and someone's sleeping, you wake them up.

We're all going to be awake when we hit the ground. None of us is dying peacefully in your sleep. Sorry, my God. Okay? When I've listened to you and I've watched the show, it feels like one of the things that, I never did this successfully. I never had beef with anybody.

I know. And I always felt like that's kind of something that some people are very good at. And then I remembered once, it wasn't that long ago, but you guys had beef, but it didn't feel like it was worthy of you. Because it was with Jaleel White, you know? And I felt like the things that are flawed.

And I swear to God, you guys don't need my help. You need nothing from me, but I'm just going to offer constructive criticism. A, better origin story. I like the new one you've come up with. You didn't meet in summer school. You met when you both killed an old woman accidentally and you buried her upstate.

B, I love the beef thing. You've got to have, but it can't be Jaleel White. You've got to step it up a notch. It's got to be bigger than that. Technically we have beef with Obama. He came in hot talking spicy about our nicks. And you know, like, there's only but so much beef you can have with a former president.

You can get a drone strike. He can have the sugar service, shoo, shoo. So, you know, it's not, we're still trying to work it out, but I think- Obama's, that's a good guy, that's a good guy to have beef with. I've noticed he likes to talk smack that guy. He likes to-

He does. A little bit of it for us. I was, years ago when I did White House Correspondence Dinner, I'm there and he's in a line greeting people before the dinner and he's greeting people and my brother had come down. My brother and his wife, Justin and Joanna, and they go up and they're taking a picture with the president and the first lady.

And all of a sudden I hear, Obama, I'm standing in the corner, not taking a picture because I, you know, I've worried about my set. And I hear, Conan, Conan. And I look over and it's President Obama. And he says, your brother, much better looking than you. See? And I'm like, what the fuck did I do?

Wow. I'm just in the corner, minding my own business. Shots fired. Yeah, exactly. And I thought he had to seek me out in the room to shit on me. And he's that guy. He's that guy.

He is that guy. He knows he's- What movie is that? With the Sniper? It's like Jude Law plays a Snipe behind enemy lines? Oh yeah, enemy at the gates. Enemy at the gates. He just, enemy at the gates to you, bruh.

Yeah, yeah. The White House Correspondence Dinner. I would have went with an American Sniper reference there, but you know, enemy at the gates is. I'm with you. There, there. Shot the mat. Ryan's got all the deep cuts with snorks behind the gates,

whatever the fuck. Yeah, that's your guy. Matt remembers everything. Obama's like the roommate that slowly kills you using eyedrops, but you're not watching. Like you have to, like, you don't see what he's doing, but he gets you. Yes.

He tricks you because he's got this, I noticed it because we talked to him a couple weeks ago and he's just, he's got this walk. He's got this very chill walk and he says it's, and he chill, he fools you with this. I'm a regular, I'm a guy from Hawaii. I don't get that. It worked up about stuff.

I'm no drama, Obama. I'm just, and so you're not expecting it. And also he's a man that has had to contemplate real problems and had the nuclear code. So you think there's no way he's gonna take the time, make me look like a fool, and then he does. Yep. He's got time.

He's got time. He's got time. Have you seen his book? It's 80,000 pages. He's got plenty of time. It hits you. Yes. And the best part of Obama is he does,

he comes off, like you say, he comes off so cool. And you're like, oh, he's former president, he's so cool. He would probably have that same level of coolness if he was just like your aunt's unemployed husband that you know, sometimes stole some stuff. And you'd be like, ah, I hate Barry, but you know what, he's a good guy. Ah, he's a good guy.

Barry's kind of a wild guy, but he's the number one real estate agent. You know what I mean? He's a stand-up guy. Or it annoys me that Barry doesn't get a job and he sleeps on the couch and he doesn't contribute to the rent, but he's a cool guy. He's a cool guy.

He's a cool guy. Yeah. He's chill. He comes through a weed sometimes. Or he's just like, hey, he's like, Conan, you hungry? They were having two for one whoppers at Burger King. You're like, oh. Oh, thank you.

Wait, all right. Thank you. That's so thoughtful. That was so nice of you. There's a listerine strip on the one that he gives to you. What's that? Ah, he puts a listerine strip on the one that he gives to you. Like, ha, ha, gotcha motherfucker.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. You thought she was straight. Is that a prank from back in the day? Putting a listerine strip on someone's hamburger? That sounds like a depression error prank. I know, that doesn't sound, as I realized later on, sometimes pranks, people will tell you about a prank they pulled

and it just is random violence. You know? Yeah. They'd be like, I pulled a funny prank, what would you do, I dropped a knife out a window, fell on a guy's shoulder and you're like, that's not a prank, what happened? You got really fucked up.

Remember at one time in American history, a prank was, let's see how many people could fit in a phone booth? Yes. What's the fun in that? Just me and my boys just all rubbing together in a tight booth, like, you know. It used to be, another one was flagpole sitting,

like in the 1950s. Like, I think cramming into a phone booth is 1950s. 1920s was sitting on a flagpole, weeks at a time, and you think, you know, we just, something was, again, another, more proof that America's a very sick place. It is. Yeah.

Yeah. Just so one of our great-grandfathers just like, you know what, I really need an event cable. We can't keep watching this shit. This is terrible. This is absolutely terrible. Well, how are you guys liking doing, being in the world of late night television?

Because in a way, it's not that big in advance from what you've been doing for a long time. So when I started in late night, it was, I hadn't been doing anything like that. I'd been thinking a lot about comedy, but not doing anything remotely like that. And this feels like a natural extension of what you've already been doing.

Seems like a logical order of operations. You know what I'm saying? You go from a podcast that's audio only, and then, you know, you turn the cameras on. Why not? You know what I mean? So you can see the reactions and everything else. I feel like we've been doing it together for so long

that audience, no audience, like it kind of doesn't matter. Just roll the cameras. I feel like once we got to the previous network, like they figured that out real quick. And they were like, yo, just keep the cameras rolling. As long as these guys are talking, just roll. Cause we're going to get something. We may have to edit until 2 AM,

but we're going to get some half an hour of pure uncut. Also, you know, it's great. It helps that we're not ugly. Because if we were ugly, you probably not have a late night show. That's very important. People in Hollywood, they're not honest enough about that. You have some very talented comedians out there

except they're Uggmugs, and no one wants to see them. And thankfully, you know, as three attractive people, myself, Meryl and Conan, we are blessed enough. Thank you for including me in that. I think it's touch and go with me, especially as I age. I'm like an old tree that has rot. But I do, I think that you're right. It is a natural extension.

I just occurred to me as you were describing your guys arc that I'm going the other way. I'm leaving late night television and I have a podcast now. So I'm doing your guys career in reverse. And so, yeah. Conjurement button. I am the Benjamin Button version of Desus and Meryl.

That's what I am. All right. I went with Tenant. You know, a more recent movie about reverse aging. But again, do you want to make this podcast old as shit? So, you know. Okay, I'm with you, Meryl. I'm with you.

Let's go! Well, Matt, it's your job to jump in and say those things before I can disgrace myself. You know, you were the elder care nurse of this podcast. It's your job to get to me before I shit the bed and say... It is time for you to take your medicine. Before I say Benjamin Button. You know, it's your job to jump in quickly

and say the cooler reference. Well, you know what? You're in a good position where you're already established and now you can do a podcast, which is even a bigger flex. You don't have to go through that thing where it's just like, oh, I only have, I did a podcast, I got 20 listens, which is just like humiliating. And also, like, we interviewed Eddie Murphy

and we said to him, we was like, do you ever want to do a podcast? And he literally looks at us and goes, what the hell is a podcast? What is that? Right. Well, Eddie does famously live in a bubble. He just doesn't know about anything.

He doesn't know about anything. Yeah. After Beverly Hills Cop 2, he stopped knowing anything about, he doesn't know about the internet. He doesn't know who the presidents have been. I mean, he's literally lived in a different world. You know, he's just...

I want to get to that level. I want to get to it. It's like, I was at a show once and it was Jerry Saifo on stage. And he was like, what is Uber? Can someone explain Uber to me? And I was like, oh my God. Tell me, what is this Uber?

Yeah, exactly. I was like, wow. So you're a cool stranger to pick you up. And then they pick up another stranger? I was like, wow. What's it doing with that? I want to get to that level of disconnect. I want them to be like,

how much does it cost to get on the subway? And I'm like, $27. I don't know. $27. Tell me more about this subway. Do they take Bitcoin? What are snorks? Yeah, exactly.

There you go. Well, guys, it does bring up a good point, which is it's going so well for you. But then do you think about what the next step is after this? I may be getting ahead, it's going so well. But do you think about, all right, what's the next stage? Is there a movie in here somewhere?

Is there an animated series? Truthfully, like Cirque du Soleil, Las Vegas vibe. You know what I mean? Jesus and I and like tie-died tights. You know what I mean? Just spinning around with each other. I'm actually thinking about the combination of those incredible dancers with those incredible bodies

wearing those outfits, spinning in Vegas. While you listened and it's all syncopated to the audio track of you guys doing the opening for your show where you guys are talking. But it's syncopated so that their movements exactly are in line with what you're saying. That's a great show. That's a great show.

That's a show I would go and see. And then for the grand ending, we steal from Gallagher and we just do like, we smash the watermelon but we smash the chopped cheese. So it's just greasy and everyone's like, where is it? It's just super gross. This is like nasty.

The variety of review is a true smash until the ending. Disappointed that they chose the straight cheese. Colin, please stay away from the front three rows. We're like, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That whole Gallagher run is gonna get cut out because it was too current.

For my show. Yes. You can never go wrong with watermelon based comedy. That's the one thing I've learned in Hollywood. You've completely confused my audience which stopped watching everything after Benjamin Buoyle. And stopped watching comedy. Gallagher is timeless.

Yeah. After Gallagher, they stopped watching fruit based comedy. So they don't know what's happening. Well, listen gentlemen, it has been an honor to talk to you and I really am genuinely happy. And I talked to so many people just in the last 24 hours cause people are always asking me who are you talking to today?

And I mentioned your name and just pure delight people are. So you've got so many fans out there as you know. We, let's say we would not be here if it wasn't for you. We were watching your show religiously. That's right. We stole so many jokes from you. We just had to change like little things like red hair or Boston.

It's worked out so well. We just wanna thank you for all that. Hey yo, this is, and this is like true story. Like I did not hate table forever. And I was watching you at like 3 a.m. on a 13 inch Sony Trinitron in my bedroom. Like the year 2000. Oh yeah.

No, I'm like, you know, I'm shot at the pin by 5,000. You know what I'm saying? Oh yeah, that's sweet. No, you know, I have to say you will experience this too. But the greatest thrill, there's so many nice things that come along with getting into this ridiculous business. But the, I think the all time top thing is when you're talking to people that you admire,

who are doing comedy and performance that you really admire, and then you find out they checked you out as a kid, nothing beats that. Nothing beats that. So just thrilled, thrilled to hear that you didn't have cable and that I was your only choice. That's right. You did the right thing.

Anyway guys, really thrilled to know you and continued success and onward and upward. And I'll work on, I'll work on my game. I'm gonna pick it up. I'm gonna start. I'm gonna get the references. I'm gonna get my references well into 2002. Okay.

Yeah, so watch out. Just wanna shout out, y'all don't realize Conan apparently is a blood. He has on a blood bandana right there. I am a blood. I am a blood. Shout out to our homie, bone-in, O'Brien, you know what I'm saying?

I put this up if, you know, if I, and I did a COVID test and they, the nurse, they want you to wear a mask, so I have this thing. But I realized recently I- That you look like you're gonna rob a general store? Yeah, I look like I'm gonna rob a general store. I also look a little bit like sort of a cowboy jiggalo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pulling tricks out there. Yeah. And he did pick his allegiance. He's a blood. Yeah, I'm sort of a blood, but I'm also, you know, I'm out there and I'm selling my body if I can.

So, you're the only person that has ranked voting for what gang you're gonna join? You're like, ah, no, the books don't work out. I'll go to the crypts, you know, we'll check it out. I'll check it out. I like to, it's like visiting a college, you know? You gotta walk around the campus a little bit. Check us out in the road, fans.

I'm gonna spend some time with you, Bloods, to see if this works out for me. Or now I might try the crypts for a little bit and he's down. Um. Guys, seriously, I can't thank you enough. Continued success. And thank you so much, man.

Okay, guys, quite a while ago, we used to do a recurring segment called Big Dick History and it's time to bring it back out of the vault. Yes, I forget how we started talking about this because I am a real history buff. I love reading about history and then it somehow got perverted by euphreaks into this segment called Big Dick History,

which is something I never signed on for. But I am, I feel like I've completely lost control of this podcast. And so if the fans wish it, I will do as I'm asked. Okay, well, it's gonna come down to this. Another quiz for you two and this is called Big Dick History, The Ideal Wang, okay? This is just awful.

I am so excited. This is not the kind of podcast I wanted to do, it's not the kind of humor I like to delve into, but when Captain Goorley is at the helm, this is what I must submit to. All right, go ahead. I'm sorry, I wanna just add,

I think it's important to note that I did win the first one because you cheated on a question about a male porn star. So I am the reigning champion of the Big Dick History quizzes. I don't recall because I care about the world we live in and real issues. Okay, in this corner is the champion Sonam of Sessian and in this corner, the contender Conan O'Brien, all right?

This is big. So this is The Ideal Wang throughout history. What I'm gonna do is name an era of ancient history and give you three options into what was the most popular type of Todger, okay? This comes from bustle.com. What, Todger? Is that a real name for a...

Sure, look, I'm running out of synonyms for Willie, okay? I call it the old William Carlos Williams. Okay, so what type of William Carlos Williams was the most popular kind of John Thomas from that era? Does that make sense? Are we talking like how it's, how big it is, how it angles itself? No, no, just the name for it.

No, no, no, sorry, it is that, it is a description. It will be three different physical descriptions. And remember, because this is an audio podcast, to answer you have to yell out your name, okay? You have to remember that, because you never remember that. You just start talking. That's your buzzer. Okay, all right.

Okay. I often yell out my own name during sex. What? It's an old bit. Go ahead. Could you keep this podcast? It's the narcissist who yells out his own name during sex. Okay.

Come on, it's fine. Okay, so remember, I'm gonna read three. You can buzz in with your name at any time, but once you do that. So you're gonna give us descriptions of an era of... It's just like watching paint try, listening to you. Excuse me, let me just see, I understand the rules. You're such a Tracy Flick right now.

Just let it go. We have to guess the era. No, I will tell you the era. No, he'll tell us the era. Okay, okay, okay. What's the best? What's the most positive description? Okay.

Yeah, it's what people, what was the most like, in vogue type? I didn't know it. Of long. This is just, I mean, I love any, any game show we're describing how to play it, takes 45 minutes, is a failed game show. You know, on Wheel of Fortune, they're not,

Pat Sajic isn't out there for, you know, 40 minutes. Saying, so I'll spin the wheel, and when it ends on that, then that's what you do, you see, and then you'll see the letters. I have a question, Pat. That's my Pat Sajic impression. All right, here we go. Oh, God.

Here we go. Ancient Egypt, and here are the three types. Name which one was the most type of popular penis. Curvy and girthy, clean and circumcised, tall and thin. Conan. Conan. This middle one. I'll read them again.

Curvy and girthy, clean and circumcised, tall and thin. Conan. Yes. The first one. Jesus Christ. What? What? The curvy, curvy and girthy.

Curvy and girthy is incorrect. Sona, you get to have a guess. You know what? Two remaining choices. I'm gonna guess clean and circumcised, because that's correct. That's the one he originally guessed, and to know that I can get the answer right

by guessing what you originally guessed makes me feel like I've already won. They were circumcising in ancient Egypt? They sure were, yeah. What did they use, the tip of a pyramid? What did they, how did they do that? They'd have to haul a baby up to the top of a pyramid, put its John Dewey down there, and then hit it with a rock.

This is known from a surviving manuscript called the Turin erotic papyrus. Yeah, basically more proof that pornography has always been with us. Okay, number two, ancient Greece and Rome. And your options are stubby and soft, long and lean, or small and uncut. Conan. Conan.

Long and lean. Sorry, that's incorrect, Sona. I'm gonna say stubby, just cause when I think of Greek men, I think of lots of hair. So the first one. What stubby got to do with hair? Wait, oh, stubby, I thought you- Oh, you mean stubbly, like a beard?

Yeah, I thought you meant hairy, man. I'm sorry, neither of you are correct. Oh no. It's small and uncut. If you think of your great, you know, Grecian art, you see that reflected quite a bit. Do you think those are small? I always walk out of museums going, Jesus!

That, that baby statue was hung. That angel was packing serious heat. My wife is always crying, she walked out of the museum. Please be quiet. Okay, it is one point Sona, zero points Conan. We are under number three out of five. I'm kind of proud that I'm losing, I have to tell you. Zero points Conan.

No, you're not, you hate this so much that you, you hate losing. Ancient India. My specialty. Just the tip, all are welcome and tapered like a wizard's wand. Sona, tapered like a wizard's wand. I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Conan, your remaining options are just the tip and all are welcome. Well, I'm gonna go with number two, all are welcome. Correct, we are tied up here on the ideal Wang quiz. Wow. Let me tell you something about this comes from the Kama Sutra and that male sizes of genitals were named for small, medium, and large

and they were the hare, the bull, and the horse. The female genital sizes were named deer, mare, and elephant, which is weird because mare is the medium and male is the horse. That's the large, they don't line up. Oh wow. Yeah. I just heard our shot at a Peabody disappear.

Well, we're gonna get a Peabody shot. Weeks ago, talking to President Obama, doing my best. I've talked to historians. I've really tried to elevate us and then you come along writing your flying Wang into the picture and you lower the conversational tone. So anyway, happy. Thank you.

Okay, number four, Edo period Japan. Number one, huge uncircumcised and veiny. Number two, delicate dainty and shrouded in silk. Or three, sharp like a samurai sword. Conan. Sona, I believe. The second one, the one shrouded in silk. I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Conan, your options are huge uncircumcised and veiny or sharp like a samurai sword. It would be number three, sharp like a samurai sword. That is incorrect. See, that's too obvious. It's huge uncircumcised and veiny. And this is our last question. So this is for all the marbles as it were, all the testicles.

Okay. No, you're just, this is a side of you that you shouldn't be proud of. This is not. Oh, I'm not proud. This is just the lowest. Okay, ready? Henry VIII England.

Off with its head, which means circumcised. Prim and proper or all about the bulge. Conan. Sona has the first guess. No, we both said it at the same time and you can listen on audio. I am listening on audio. You know what, I'll let you have it.

I'll let you have it. That's actually a smart choice. You're doing the Monty Hall paradox. Prim and proper, number two. That's incorrect, so you can take it all here. That's why I was giving a guess too. Wait, can you tell me the other two? Off with its head, meaning circumcised

or all about the bulge. All about the bulge. That's right, Sona keeps her championship streak. Oh my God, nothing makes me happier in life than beating you at things. I can't even tell you how good this feels. And everything that I've ever done in my life pales in comparison to when I beat you at something.

It just feels so fantastic. Nope, you know your way around to penis. Congratulations. Congratulations. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sona Mufsesian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotaroff

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Beckton.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already,

please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.