Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Down To The Cockaroo

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Conan talks to tattoo artist Kristina about what kind of tattoo Conan ought to get and the incredible tattoo belonging to her husband. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Christina, meet Conan. Hi, how are you? Hey, Christina, very nice to meet you. How are you?

Good. What a delight. Well, that's very nice of you to say it's a delight for me as well. Let me describe for people listening right now. Christina, you are beautiful. And I love your style. You've got this gorgeous jet black hair from what I can see. Just beautiful.

Thank you. And your lipstick is really popping, very powerful. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Well, I spent some time trying to kind of do your hairstyle here going on on the top. Christina, my hairstyle is not to be emulated. Okay, sorry. No one should try that.

For me, it was a mistake and I had to stick with it. So whatever you're doing is working because you seem like a very lovely person, gorgeous smile, great energy coming off of you, Christina. Oh, thank you. Wow. Yeah, tell me a little bit about yourself. I know nothing about you, Christina. Okay, I am from Camarillo, California.

I'm a tattoo artist. Okay, this is going to be interesting because I have a lot of questions and I'm fascinated by tattoos. How long have you been doing tattoos for? I'm 34 years old now and I started when I was 18. Wow. You know, here's the first thing that pops to mind is tattoos are so permanent. It's such a big deal. How do you start?

Do you know what I mean? How do you do your first tattoo? It must be nerve wracking. It's the same question I would ask a tightrope walker. Like how do you do that for the first time? Obviously they can have a net, but you can't have a net when you're doing a tattoo. Yeah, it was actually pretty horrifying because the first person I tattooed was my dad and it was his first tattoo also. Now, was he aware you were tattooing him or was this his sleep at the time?

I'm pretty sure that he was aware. He was in a coma for three months and when he woke up. Full body. He had thug life on his chest. So wait, so that takes a lot of trust and love. God bless your dad. So your dad said, okay, I'll be your first. You can tattoo me.

What did you tattoo? Well, he's a finished carpenter and he's a total sweetheart, which is really funny. He picked the devil version of Casper. So also sweet looking even though it sounds bad. And he's holding and he got him holding a hammer. Okay, very nice. So a devil ghost, a boy who died and then went to hell and has a hammer. I'm going to say it in the most, I'm sorry, unsanimental way.

A dead boy ghost who was evil in life with a hammer. Yes, really sweet. And where did you put that on his body? Is it on his arm? Is it on his hand? Is it on his chest? On his arm, on his shoulder right here. Yeah, okay.

I would think being a tattoo artist, how many tattoos would you say you do a week? Do you do a volume business or is it the kind of thing that here and there you do a tattoo? Well, because of the pandemic, I kind of took a break for a while, but before then I was traveling back to San Francisco where I lived before and would do maybe like three tattoos a day. Wow, that's amazing. Hey, can I ask you a question? Is there a way to give someone the COVID vaccine while you're tattooing him without them knowing

it? You know, it's a needle. Yeah, I'm sure it is. There are so many people out there that need to get vaccinated that aren't, but they're perfectly willing to get a tattoo. So if you could just give people tattoos and while they're getting the tattoo, you're giving them the COVID vaccine. Yeah, and you could also tattoo the proof of vaccination card on their side.

Yeah, right. Oh, yeah. And their left butt cheek. I think this is a good idea that would be fouchy approved. I really do. I agree. I agree. Let's look into that first thing you do after you're done wasting your time talking to me.

So your tattoo artist, this is fascinating to me. I do not have a tattoo. I don't have any kind of tattoo on my body and it's not that I'm opposed to anybody having a tattoo. I see a lot of tattoo art on people, sleeves that are absolutely gorgeous and stunning and I think it can look fantastic. I just grew up very freckled. I'm a freckled man.

I was a freckled boy that then grew slowly first into a freckled woman and then into a freckled man. So the idea, I've lived my whole life with markings all over my body and I mean all over my body. So the idea then of adding more marks felt superfluous. Why would I do that? That seems redundant to add more of a mess to my body. Have you ever thought of connecting the dots like constellations?

Oh, that could be fun. I think, yeah, I think I would look like Dr. Manhattan, you know, I think I would look like, I think I would look like some weird creature from the cosmos if you connected. Maybe it spells something out. Maybe I've been put on this earth as a great riddle, you know, and that if someone connected all my dots, it would spell out some great secret that would further mankind or the way to solve global warming. Oh yeah, you're like the Da Vinci code of written Morse code.

Yes. And all this time I've just been saying, so anytime I put on sunscreen, I'm actually trying to hide God's message and it's blasphemy. Would you do that? What kind of tattoo would you give me, Christina? I know that you talk about being muscular a lot, so I could maybe do some shadow coloring and kind of make it look like you have muscles. Yeah, like the air brushing?

Like a six or eight pack? No, wait a minute. When you say I talk a lot about having muscles, do you mean I talk about not having muscles? Because you said you talk a lot about having muscles, so I could tattoo you so it looked like you had muscles. You realize how insulting that is, Christina? I'm so sorry. I don't think you are.

When someone says I'm so sorry, but they can barely get it out because they're laughing. Don't stop laughing. It is hard to, it's hard to feel, this is true remorse. I'm so sorry I shot you, I'm so sorry. I think it started out as a compliment. Sure. Thank you, David. You've served your role as the liar of the group.

Well, Christina, can you do that? Can you actually tattoo someone so it looks like they have musculature? Sure, yeah. So I would never have to work out. I would never have to work out ever. I could just be funny to have the tattoo of a six pack or an eight pack and then really let my abdomen go so I had a mass, I had an eight pack that stretched and expanded out like 22 inches over my belt.

A clear beer belly. Yeah, exactly. Is there a tattoo that is so cliched if someone asks for it, you say, don't do that? I stopped doing names a while ago of partners because that's definitely the number one cover up and so many times when I was doing it in my head, I'm like, it's not gonna, this isn't gonna work out. I just, they would know the person after like a week and finally I just said no, I can't do it anymore.

You know, I have met hardcore fans many times who have, there's a little sort of cartoon Conan insignia and they have that, I don't think it's ever been a guy, it's always a woman, but they have it on their ankle or they have it somewhere on their arm. They have the little Conan face and I don't know how I feel about it because, I mean, I know I should be flattered and I'm glad that they're a fan, but nothing is less attractive to me than my face on another woman's body. I don't know, I don't know why that is, but I just, I feel sad for everyone. I feel sad for them, myself, everybody.

So you're a tattoo artist and I kind of was, how long does it take to do your average tattoo? Forget a flaming eagle clutching a nuclear submarine and saying something in Russian. Whoa. Wow. Well, that's the tattoo I would get. I endorse. Yeah, flaming eagle clutching a nuclear submarine and then quoting from Mao's red book, but in Russian, that is the tattoo that I would get across my back someday when it's time.

But my question for you is, it must take a couple of hours to do a tattoo. Do you talk to the people while you're giving them the tattoo? Yes, I love it. That's probably my favorite part. People get, you know, people definitely open up to you while you're tattooing them. It's such a vulnerable time and I love hearing dating stories and just getting deep. Do you ever get anybody that you're five minutes in and you're like, oh, no, this is a mistake. This is two hours of a conversation that I don't have the capacity for.

Well, there was a tattoo that I did on this gentleman who came in and he got a name and it had a character next to it and he initially disguised it as a tattoo for a cousin, I believe. And when I was doing the finishing touches on it, he revealed to me that it was actually for someone that he was in love with. And... Which breaks your rule. This breaks your cardinal rule. Yes.

And then he lifted his sleeve up and had numerous other names. No. Women's names on him. Oh, no. What? What? This is a true crime story. You are going to be...

I was horrified. Yeah. So you were done with the tattoo at that point. Was he back a week later trying to get another name put on there? And was it yours? Yeah. Did you put Christina on here? It's a different Christina.

She's a tattoo artist from Bama Rio, California. I'm going to pitch you an idea and I want you to think about it, Christina. And Matt, you're an expert in this space. I am not. I have dabbled and stumbled into the podcast space. What about making it a podcast? Yeah. And I'm not even kidding.

What if Christina had a podcast so you recorded your conversations while you're tattooing people and then we edited it down, tightened it up, you'd get these fascinating stories from people and then people could go online and they could look at the tattoo. That's a brilliant idea. This reminds me of the... There's a podcast where people do therapy but the patients are anonymous and so the tattoo client can be anonymous and you can get all the juice out of them. I know.

Listen, I'm a guy who comes up with ideas. That's good. It has sustained me since, well, my whole life, really. But I think that there should be a podcast I would listen to. Yes, I know someone's going to, damn it, someone's going to rip this off. This is going to air. It's going to go out there. I always say air.

What is the proper term, Gourly? This is going to drop? I guess drop. Yeah. I don't know that there is a good term. But let's come up with one now. Let's come up with one. You know?

This is going to hit the caramel. Let's call it hit the caramel. I like that. This is going to hit the caramel. That means the podcast has been released in my official terminology. This episode is going to hit the caramel and someone's going to rip this off immediately because it's such a good idea. Trademark.

Yeah. If it hasn't been done 100 times already because there's a million podcasts, but if it hasn't, we should get on this. Yeah. It's a good idea. I think that it has. I talked to one of my good friends, Jess, about it actually because we were like, dang, people tell us the craziest stories while they're getting tattooed.

It's always really entertaining. I think this could be, I think this could be a podcast. And I've now, can you verbally agree to do this with me, Christina, right now, and just trust me on any kind of financial arrangement that might ensue? Yes. What? No. Wow.

That's a mis... Christina, no. Hey, she technically said yes. Doesn't matter how she said it. Tattoo therapy. Here we come. Yeah. There's a pun with ink that's really obvious that we're not thinking of right now, but

we'll come up with it or sleeve or something like that. Heart on the sleeve. Oh, cool. That's good. It's pretty good. Okay. So we've got the title, Heart on the Sleeve. I've got a verbal agreement from Christina that this will be a podcast that we are going

to produce. You've also made it very clear and this will be played in court because you are going to sue me that you're fine with whatever arrangement financial that I decide to make. Now, at first, you'll notice no money is coming in and then later, about two years later, you'll notice really no money is coming in. Trust me. And you'll notice on the street, a lot of people are saying, I love your podcast, Christina. I listen to it all the time and sort of all my friends and I can't believe AmEx is doing

ads on it and you'll still see no money. And then you'll notice that I'm walking around in a yachting cap. And then I'm... And are we getting bills? You're losing money on this. You start to lose money. And I start to wear solid gold Nike basketball sneakers that are very uncomfortable. There's one thing I want to get to that I think is important because I'm told that your

husband, Danny, has an incredible tattoo. Yes. Yes. He has... So I call him Bear as his nickname. Bear? Yes, Bear. So he's a big guy.

Does he eat massive amounts of salmon during the spring and summer and then sleep through the winter? Why do you call him Bear? He's a big, hairy, Scottish, Irish man. Oh, I see. He's got a lot of hair, so I started calling him Bear. And he has a huge growling bear head from his collar line to his belt line, below his belt line.

Oh my God, did you do that? Yes. Wait, you did it from pretty much up to his throat. Yes. It's a snarling, growling bear's head, not the bear's body, just the head. Just the head. And it goes down to, I hate to be indelicate, but below the belly button? Yes.

Down towards the pubis? Yes. Okay. Down to the Kakaroo. Kakaroo, Kakaroo, Kakaroo, I swear to God, people yell that at me on the street who are hardcore fans. That's been my plan if I ever ran into you. Well, now, when you run into me, it's going to be at a big business meeting where-

She's going to be saying you owe me, okay? You say you owe me a ton of money. I'm going to be ripping bills up in front of your face. Exactly. Wow. Do you like it? I mean, that must have been nerve-wracking because this is your man, this is your husband, and you are putting permanent ink all over his body.

The largest portion of the body, of course, the trunk, the chest, the abdomen. This is- I have a question that's burning. Go. I have to know. Yes. You said he's hairy. Do you ever shave around the bear and then the bear snout?

So he just looks like- Oh. Well, I do. Yeah. Will you please? Yes, I can, and I'll take you photos. Okay. What's the effect you're going for, Matt, to shave around the bear?

So the outside of the bear is bald, but the bear's fur is Danny's fur and then the sweet is- But then it's not probably a brown bear, it would be a Celtic sort of- Red bear? Red bear. A reddish, yeah, it would be a red bear. Yeah, like a European grizzly. Ooh.

That is amazing. Wait, how long did that take? Ooh, I honestly couldn't even tell you, a very long time, many hours. Did you have to show him sketches first of different bear heads? And he would say, no, it's got to be fair, sir. It's got to be- I'm sorry. He's probably-

He's American, right? Yes. Sorry. I just- I like mine. It won't do. I'm imagining that he's- This is a very-

You had to do- You had to show him lots of possibilities for a bear, right? A few. Yeah, he's a pretty easygoing guy, so it only took a few tries. Are you happy with how it turned out? I am, and I'm even happier initially when we were going to do a small one just on his chest plate, and I put it on him and I'm like, this looks silly, because you're such a big guy and you can't have a tiny little bear head on your still looking one.

So we went big. Wow. That's fascinating. I love that you did this tattoo, and what a trusting husband, because I don't think- I love my wife, but were she going to forever put something on my chest that would never come off? I don't think- I don't know that I would trust her.

You know? I don't know. I mean, even if she was a very talented artist, I don't know. I would fear that there'd be some secret message in there, or I'd really be proud of it, but then I'd look in the mirror and realized it spelled out, you know, it was like this cool way of saying, talk less, listen more, something like that, but it looked like an eagle clutching a nuclear submarine. Red rum.

Yeah. It would definitely help her if you guys weren't in an argument of any kind or disagreement. Right. And she'd say, go to the mirror. She'd say, go to the mirror. Is there any way I can help you at all, Christina? Do you have a question for me, or is there any way I can give you my knowledge? My question would be, I love your guys' podcast so much, and you and Sona and Matt just seem

so tight. Would you guys ever consider getting a friendship-matching podcast tattoo, and can I do it? Like all the Lord of the Rings Hobbits did with Ian McKellen. Yes. Yeah. All of the Hobbits and Ian McKellen got matching tattoos. Yeah. What would we get?

That's a really good question. Well, okay. Christina, you're the expert. I would want it to be small and somewhat discreet, but I'm not saying I wouldn't do it. Tell me, what would you suggest we get? What would be a great podcast tattoo for Sona, Matt, and myself to get? I think Sona and Matt should get your face, like a mini face of yours over their heart, and you, Sona and Matt's like in a heart shape, like both heads kind of making a heart shape

over your heart. Wait, so wait, they have my face on them, and I have to have their faces plus mine on me? No, just their face. Oh, I wanted mine in there too. That makes more sense. That makes more sense. Then maybe just all your face.

How about this? They have to get my face on them, and I get a larger image of my face on me, and they're nowhere on my body. How about that? It's just a heart, and it's you pushing us out of the heart. Yes. No, it's me sitting inside the heart, and the heart is impenetrable, and you and Sona are on either side locked out, and you're cold.

You're huddled, and you're... Oh no. Yeah. Can you do that for me? That's more accurate. Yeah. That's what we would do. You know what?

I will think about it, and I want you to think about doing a podcast where you... This is a cool idea. I think it's a really cool idea, and I think it'd be a lot of fun. Okay. I will think about it. I'm in. Okay. Like you said, I'll think about it.

I'm in. So, which means... Yeah. Again... She thought. Yeah. Christina, thank you so much. It was lovely talking to you.

You seem like a really cool person, and thanks. Thanks for being a friend to our podcast, and for being such a nice, cool, artistic person. Oh, thank you. Thank you guys too. I really appreciate you. Oh. Thank you, Christina. All right.

Take care, Christina. Bye-bye. Okay. You too. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty, and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.