Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Dr. FUPA

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

Conan talks with pharmacist Kathy from Illinois about amusement park mishaps and what kind of drug Conan would be. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay. Let's get started. Hi, Kathy. Meet Conan. I can't believe you're talking to me.

Well, yes. I'm talking to you, Kathy, because that's how this works, is that you call me and I talk to you. So let there be no confusion about the process here. I wouldn't live here with it. I would never concede to you. Where are you, Kathy, right now? Where are you?

I'm in the house. You're where? Or do you mean in the house? I'm having trouble hearing. I'm in the basement. Is that audio a little weird? I think our audio is a little weird. Yeah, it's just not coming in.

Uh-oh. Sorry about this, Kathy. You know, I tried to hire the best people, but they weren't available. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Is that okay? Want to give it a shot? What do you think?

Let's give it a shot. Let's see what happens. Give it a shot. This is what I've learned about you, Kathy, so far. Audio, not your strength. Fair or not fair? No. Fair.

Okay. So we, you had a little bit of an audio glitch when you started, but I'm a very patient person. Also, I fear technology, and so I'm no whiz myself. I share that fear. Do you, are you afraid of technology? I am desly afraid of it. This is my, maybe like seventh time zooming ever.

That explains why we've had so much trouble getting you started today. But I apologize. We don't even know that this is Kathy's fault though. Yes. Oh, thank you, Matt. You're welcome. Matt, please. I'm not done speaking.

Sorry. Matt had no right coming into your defense, Kathy. I think that since I don't know you, you're the easiest person for me to blame in this moment. So you understand. So it's just like, yeah, Kathy screwed up, Kathy did something wrong, Kathy messed up this part of the podcast. I wouldn't argue with you.

I'll take it. You're terrific. I wouldn't argue with you. You're terrific. You know what, Kathy? You're just going to sit there and take that. I know. What am I defending you for?

I know. I feel like I'm disappointing so nice. But I knew if anyone were going to defend me, it'd be mad. I love it, Kathy. Your natural instinct is to think that I'm correct. You're wrong, but it's your natural instinct, and I'm delighted by that. So you are, I think you told me it was back when the audio was bad, back when you were doing the wrong stuff that hurt the podcast, and I don't know why I'm dwelling on it.

It was a while ago, but it really scarred me. I think you told me that you're in your basement. Is that right? I am. And this is the basement of your home? It is. And where is your home? I live in Northbrook, Illinois.

Oh, you live in Illinois? Yeah. Yeah. Are you? Are Illinois, Illinois? Illinois. Do you ever say Illinois? No.

No one does, right? That's just a completely made up thing. Right. And Illinois going like, I sure do love it here in Illinois. People would know I was a phony right away, wouldn't they? Yes. We would know that you're not from here. Yeah.

And they would hit me with sticks. So what do you do for a living? I'm a pharmacist. Oh, you're a pharmacist? Yes. Can you? I am a legal drug dealer. Can you?

Okay, let's line up with our request. Yes. Yes. Are you familiar with the drug of Prophofol? Oh. I have heard you mention it before. I'm obsessed with it, and I'll tell you why. My father had a brush with colon cancer many years ago, survived, and he's doing well.

But because of that, his doctor said all your sons should get checked regularly for colon cancer, and I was dreading it, and then they gave me Prophofol. And man, I have never taken drugs. I'm not a user of drugs, but I now get a colonoscopy every two days. They're in there all the time. It's like the Lincoln tunnel in there. Yeah, it is. There's just traffic going both ways, and there's lights, and honking, and yes.

Kathy, you're allowed to leave. No. No, no. This is wildly entertaining. She said in quotes, well, anyway, so that's fascinating. You have the power to write prescriptions. Do you? I don't.

You have to. You don't. You can't write a prescription. No. I can process your prescription, and I can dispense you your drugs. I can counsel you on your drugs, but I'm not allowed to prescribe. I wish I was. Okay.

Because I hook you up all the time. Maybe thank you so much. And by the way, you just lost your license. You just said publicly. I'm trying really hard not to reveal where I am. I'm a pharmacist. This is where I live, and I can hook you up any time because of your celebrity status. These are not good instincts on your part.

What if Conan came in with a prescription written in crayon? Would you be able to fulfill that? And it was written on stationery that said, from the desk of Conan O'Brien. If you dropped it off personally. Yes. If I dropped it off personally. Wow. Possibly.

Very intrigued. I think I'll be dropping by pretty soon. Take a quick trip to Illinois. Is it, can I, is it tempting ever to judge someone a little bit by, you know what I mean? No. Or what? Like by what they're getting. Do you know what I mean?

Like if I, if I came to you for a prescription and let's say, or like syphilis or gonorrhea. Who went there? I'm sorry. I mean, a lot of the times they don't like the indication why you're getting certain drugs because many drugs have different uses, you know, you can be using antidepressants for pain sometimes. Yeah. Okay.

But what if I was constantly coming to you for treatment of venereal diseases, just constantly like, yeah, I was in it all the time and then I'd be like, yep, another crazy weekend. Wouldn't you start to judge me a little bit? Well, I would wait till you were gone. And then you'd talk about me. That's what I meant. And then we would, yes. Yes.

And then you'd talk about, oh my God, Conan was back and apparently he just does not. I'm a flera. Must be Tuesday. Yeah. Oh my God. He goes out on Saturday. So it's Tuesday. What's your life like?

Tell me about your life a little bit. I have two daughters. I have a three-year-old and a six-year-old. Oh my God. That's fantastic. Boy, girl. Yeah. Two girls.

Two girls. Okay. Got it. Two girls. Yeah. Married. Okay. You sort of shrugged when you said married, you know?

Tell us about the husband. Oh. We like this guy, clearly. I do. I love him. Good. He's my best friend. Well, which is it?

Do you love him or is he your best friend? You've got to choose one. You can't have both. Oh, just one. I love him. Yeah. You've got to choose one. You have to choose.

That's just in my world. In my world, you have to choose. You know? Look, I love my wife, but she is not my best friend, okay? That's just not happening. That's fair. Yeah. No.

I know what you're talking about. I'm just messing about. Okay. And tell me about your friends. You got any interesting friends? My best friend is Violet. Her name is Violet. We call her the VFC.

The VFC. The VFC. You want to tell me what that stands for? Am I allowed to swear here? Sure. It's a podcast. You can do it anywhere you want. You're encouraged to swear.

Yeah. Stance or violet fucking chain. Okay. This conversation is over. You're gonna be a bodyguard. I have a prescription for you. It's called soap. Wash your mouth up.

Oh my God. That's awesome. I'm getting my ass handed to me. So Violet is VFC. Okay. And you guys are pals. You've been tight for a long time, haven't you? And that's what I'm guessing.

Since the fourth grade. Oh my God. So you knew right away that she was your friend. I made it for the long haul. Besties for life. Besties for life. So that's great. And is she a pretty reliable friend?

She's a good person. She's the best. Yeah. She makes everything better. She's like bacon. Hey. That's nice. Well, but then you get the higher cholesterol.

You know, thickening. That's okay because I'm a pharmacist. I'll know what I need. Okay. Yeah. Well, what do you prefer? You like the Lipitor. Which statin do you prefer?

You know Lipitor. Lipitor. Lipitor is a good one. Yeah. Very good. Excellent. It's funny from the Lipitor people. But keep it going guys.

You're going to be fine. So tell me an interesting story that involves Violet. I just picture there's good stories of you and Violet having adventures. There was one year in our early 20s we went to an amusement park. And I was super nervous about getting on this one ride. It's like the kind where you just kind of go up really high and they just drop you. Those are actually just, that's a mechanical failure and they call it a ride. That's something that's just something that's not functioning properly.

It's a ride. Oh, the elevator just crashed. It's a ride. It's for your entertainment. Yeah. That bridge just collapsed. It's a ride. So what happens?

So you go up and then you get dropped. Right. So we were getting in our seats and I was super nervous. Like shaking. Trying to get her to listen to us and we were all looking at her. And I was immediately regretting, you know, Deciding to get on this ride and she was kind of fidgeting with her harness. And she slammed it down a little too hard to make it quick in place.

And I think she had hit her or hit a sensitive email area. And she just screamed. All my so P-a. You said a sensitive female area. Female area? I've never heard of the word FUPA. No, I have not. What's FUPA?

In Tina Fey's words, it's a delightfully crude acronym for fat upper pubic area. Oh. Oh. Fat upper pubic area. Oh no. Or it is a crude acronym.

I named our dog FUPA. Oh no. I didn't know what it was. I just made it up. I thought I was making it up and I get all these dirty looks. When I'm out in the night and I'm like, come here FUPA.

FUPA. Let me pet my FUPA. Let me pet FUPA. And I've been arrested several times. And I say it's the dog, but the dog is always wandered away at that point. So there's no dog there. Wow.

So I didn't know that. Is that a Tina Fey-ism? Where does she, is that from 30 Rock or did she say it someplace else? No, she didn't coin it. I don't know where it came from. Oh.

So yeah, special place in my heart though. Okay. I like that. I'm gonna use that. No, you're not gonna use that. No? No.

No, when are you gonna have cause to shout out, ow, my FUPA? I don't know when I'm on a roller coaster and I slam the thing down to her. Or when you give birth to twins. Oh yeah. I'll be like, to the doctor, I'll be like, my FUPA.

Yeah. And my dog will come running in. Dressed in a medical gown. Oh, come on. He's very responsible. He's got a stethoscope. He's got a stethoscope. Oh, Dr. FUPA, you're here.

Oh. Dr. FUPA. Very good. What do you think? It's a stallic pressure. He's talking. Yeah, he can say some stuff. Yeah.

Kathy, is it? Dr. FUPA is going to be the title of this episode. Dr. FUPA. Dr. FUPA is played by a golden retriever. Oh. The position of the baby is ideal. Ooh. Oh, and what has happened?

What happened here? Kathy, you broke it. You broke the show. You broke the show. Kathy, do you have any question for me because I like to help anyone who's a fan? I don't know if you're a fan, but I'm assuming if you've put up with me

for this one on the phone. I am a super big fan. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, and the question I have for you is, being a pharmacist, sometimes we drop pills. And I'm wondering if you were counting out some pills and then you happen to drop one on the ground, would you put it back in the bottle?

Yes, I would. What would you do? I'm not even going to pause. I am not squeamish about that stuff. And so if the pill is a hard pill, if it's a hard pill with its own structural integrity and it falls on a carpet or a piece of tile, I'm not phobic about that.

Now. But you're not the one taking it. I know, but I'm the one who saw it. So the other person, do I think it poses a risk for the other person? I don't think so. Now that's with no medical training and no knowledge of how bacteria works.

But I'm going to plunge ahead and say, I think as a society we've gotten too soft, we're too like, oh, look out. Oh, I might have something on it. I don't know. Put it in the microwave for an hour to make sure. I think we need to acquaint our bodies with all kinds of horrible bacterium to keep us safe.

So I would pop it right back in there. In fact, I might kick it around the room a little bit. I might play like, I might kick it around with my toe and then try and get another pharmacist to kick it back to me. And then we'd set up a little. With your socks on or on? I know, with your toe.

Did you take your shoes off? I took the shoes off. I took the shoes off and I would have my socks on and then I would try and get a little game going and I would make little goals and we would knock it around for a while and then I'd play hacky sack with it and doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

And then I would kick it up in the air and try and catch it in the little pill case. And if I missed, then I'd have to do it all over again until I got it in. And so that's what, that's my answer. And I think that's also the morally correct thing to do. Morally correct. And scientifically.

Not the answer I was expecting. Wait, you're supposed to throw it away, right, Kathy? I mean, that's, that's what you have to do. But how do you dispose of it? We do have something called a salvage pile for dropped pills or expired pills. Have you ever tempted at the end of the day when there's all those dropped pills in there

and there are all different kinds of pills for all different kinds of things? Just come on. Just pop a bunch of them at the same time. Just to see what happens. That's a terrible thing to do. Well, it's all kinds of different pills. So there's uppers and downers

and benes and jib jabs and flip flops. And you pop them all in and one's for perpation and another one's for skin ailment but another one's like, woo, that's a laxative. And then there's another one that's like, that's for retinal disease, you know? Yeah. It'd be fun to see what happens.

Thank God you're not a pharmacist. I think it'd be a fun idea for a game show. You give a person a random handful of pills and then the audience has to guess based on their reactions, what they took. And the audience is comprised of top scientists and medical professionals. And some people that just came in from San Bernardino

who are looking for a guitar. Well, that's my prescription for you. Kathy, you are a lovely person. I really like you and you seem very cool. And I'm flattered that you, that you're listening to our foolishness. I really am. It really has gotten me through a very hard time.

Oh, okay. If I had to class you as a drug, you'd be an antidepressant. Oh, that's nice. Thank you. That's nice. Wait, I want to ask one question of Kathy because I noticed in the notes for this.

Sure, she just said a lovely thing to me and you want to stop it and make sure that we, okay, let's go someplace else. One of the nicest things I've ever heard from a fan. And you're like, yeah, yeah, that's great. Kathy, there's something else. Earlier you called Conan a shithead. Let's just, let's focus on that.

Well, this is related because I think you said that your blood pressure goes up when Sonan talks back to Conan. Because you don't know how you would handle that with your own bosses. That's just, I didn't realize, but I get a visceral reaction and I'm listening. Usually I'm cracking up, but you have some balls.

So what you're saying, Kathy, is that when you listen to the podcast, you're laughing, you're having a good time, and then when Sona talks back to me in a disrespectful way, you cringe kind of and your blood pressure goes up, right? Tiny bit. Tiny bit because you feel like, oh my God,

Conan's so great and she's being so disrespectful, right? You don't deserve it, but I guess you instigate sometimes. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does, Kathy. Yes, he does. Well, that's terrific. He's not Mr. Innocent.

Yeah, pick a side, Kathy. Yeah, pick a side. Well, I love, I just wanna go back to, Kathy, you said a lovely thing to me, and I don't remember it exactly, but it was something on the lines of, if you were a drug, you'd be an anti-depressant. You remembered exactly what she said.

I remembered it exactly. And then, Matt, you stopped everything and took us back to this part of me that cast me into a dark light. So you see what I'm putting up with. I think you have a great team. I do, I do. And I'm just gonna, I'm gonna say that

because I am medicated. Yeah. I do. Kathy, my mom is just like you. She hates it when I talk back to Conan. Yeah, she really doesn't like you. She does. She's like, I don't like you calling him a dick.

Yeah. Well, you call me a dick, regularly. And she's like, I don't like that you called him a dick. And I love that about your mom. She's got the right idea. Oh, yeah. Kathy, my best to you, I'm sorry that you said you went through

kind of a rough time, and I hope everything's good now. Thank you. It's a lot better. Yeah. All right, we're good. It's been a rough year. Yeah, it's been, it has been a rough year.

It's been a year. And I tell you what, I really do hope I run into you in person one of these days. And whatever we're doing at that time, is it fist bumps? Is it, you know, what will come back? The hug is gone forever, I think.

I don't think that's true. Well, when I was hugging random women on the subways, I was doing it. Oh, that's different. But then I, you know what, it didn't help that I ran away afterwards. Yeah, no, that's never gonna be okay. I would never push your away.

I would. I would. Pristipricate. Thank you very much. Kathy, so nice to talk to you really. This was great. Thank you. Thank you.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco,

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