Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Drainin’ Treys and Drivin' Holes

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

Conan talks to Lucas in Amsterdam about playing professional basketball and the quickest ways to gain weight. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wanna talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi Lucas, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hi Lucas. Hey there everybody, hi. How are you?

Good, how are you? We're doing well, our friend Matt Gourley is not with us today. He called in sick. Where? Which means he's probably at the mall scoping out the chicks. I know what he's up to. As he does?

As he does. Okay, Lucas, tell me a little bit about yourself. Where are you in the world right now? I have no idea. I am currently in Amsterdam. Oh, okay. Is Amsterdam where you're from? Yes, it's also where I'm from.

Oh, wow. Okay. I love Amsterdam. I was there many years ago. I shot some travel stuff there in a whole other lifetime. I believe in the nineties or early 2000s. Really? And I loved it. I thought it was one of the most beautiful places

I've ever seen. And really, I think it's absolutely gorgeous. So good for you for living in Amsterdam. And tell me a little bit about yourself, Lucas. How old are you? I am 26. So I live in Amsterdam with my girlfriend and my two cats. I currently work as an IT consultant

and I play basketball. Okay. Basketball. That's that in a nutshell. Okay. consultant and I play basketball. Okay, basketball. That's that in a nutshell. Okay, you say you play basketball, you mean just as kind of a hobby or how serious are you about basketball? Nowadays, it's more of a hobby. I used to play professional a while back

when I was still studying, but I could not combine work and professional basketball. So. You played, on what level did you play professional basketball? The highest level in the Netherlands. That's fantastic. That's impressive.

You were. Compared to the rest of the world, it's kind of meh, but it's all right here. Can I say something Lucas? I don't like your attitude. I, you know, you're saying, all you have to do is say, I play professional basketball, I played pro ball.

That's, and then end the sentence there, not, you don't have to mention in Amsterdam and for the Netherlands, it's okay, but it's kind of meh everywhere else. By that point, the woman that you were talking to at the bar has gone. You just say, I played professional basketball. Yeah, but I don't wanna let it get to my head.

So I wanna keep myself grounded and keep myself humble. It could get to your head. I think I would let it get to my head. I would, I think there's nothing wrong. If I had played professional basketball for a day, it's all you'd ever hear about. It's all you'd ever hear about. It's true.

Were you any good? You must've been pretty good. Yeah, I did it for, I think, five years. Yeah, I was pretty good. I was also playing here in Amsterdam So yeah, I was having a good time with a lot of traveling It was still when I was still in college. So that was kind of rough like comparing Doing the studying stuff next to the basketball and combining that but it was it was a good time now

Let me ask you some stats about yourself. How tall are you? I'm 6'3". Okay, all right. So I'm not that tall. Again, I mean, Lucas, we have a lot of- No, but compared to other basketball players, I'm 4'8". Compared to, yeah, guess what?

Compared to the sun, I don't generate much warmth. I guess I'm a cold fish. You've gotta stop doing that, Lucas. Okay, okay, okay. All right. You're 6'3", which is tall by just about any standard, okay? You're a 6'4"... We're gonna work on you, Lucas. You're a 6'3' badass who played pro basketball. And now you're an IT genius.

Okay? Yeah. That's the way to... You need some of this American swagger. Here's what we do in America, and I think you've probably noticed. We just say we're great at stuff. Yes.

Even if we're not. And a lot of times we don't know what we're doing, but we just say we've got it all covered. And the rest of the world just shakes its head and goes, they're wrong, but whatevs. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, whatevs. Yeah, so I think you should feel better about yourself.

You know? All right, I'll take that attitude. And you should start wearing a lot of chains. Okay. Don't you think? That's an odd, yeah, okay. Chains that say Lucas. Why?

And I'm 6'3". Okay, you want him to wear his height on a necklace instead of just like existing? I mean, I feel like people will know he's tall just by being around him. You mentioned a girlfriend. What's her story? Yeah, so she also plays basketball.

She still plays basketball pro. Wait, your girlfriend's a professional basketball player? Yeah, she is. That's fantastic. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I met her through her brother. I used to play with her brother on the team I used to play on.

Uh-huh. What's her name? I met her, sorry. What's her name? Zoe. Okay. So Zoe, and how tall is Zoe? Six one, I believe, six one, yeah.

You keep looking off to the side. Is she in the room with you? No, no, she's two rooms apart. Wow, this relationship is flourishing. We live two rooms apart from one another. What are you, a Mennonite? Okay, well, all right. But how long you've been going out for?

Seven years. Oh my goodness. Wow. Wow, okay, things are getting serious. And you're young, for? Seven years. Oh my goodness. Wow. Wow, okay, things are getting serious. And you're young, so you started dating when you were 11. But you know what, again, it's Amsterdam. You guys are probably, you know, token on that bong. Oh boy.

Dating when you're 11, you know. So, no, no, no, those are just stereotypes about Amsterdam, which we don't indulge in anymore. We know there's so much more to Amsterdam. Well, I think this is all very impressive. It's really cool. I think that's pretty sweet that you guys are both basketball players.

I mean- Do you play ball with each other? Not that often. Sometimes when she needs a sparring buddy on practice, I go over there and we can play some basketball. You give her a little, you play defense a little bit and try and keep her on her, you know, that's good. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll try to make it, I'll try to make her life a little bit tough, yeah. Yeah, okay. That's good. You live two rooms apart from each other and you try to make her life more difficult. Yeah. It's all adding up now.

This is the way. Okay, well, I feel like you've got a pretty good life. Are you done with basketball or do you want to continue with it? No, I'm still currently playing. So I quit pro basketball and then I had two years of, well, not playing. And I just started playing again this season.

So yeah, I'm still, but on a lower level, so I'm kind of relaxing. Yeah, what's your strength as a player? Ooh, I think, I think I'm a pretty good scorer. Oh, you're those guys that has like a killer outside shot, like you can just drain it, you can drain threes all day. Buckets. Yeah. Hey, I'm doing the cool talk.

Okay. Can you just drain buckets all day? I'm doing the cool talk. It stopped when you said cool talk. That's when it stopped being cool. You just draining trays all day and all night. Are you just, are these raining down? Yeah.

Is that what's happening with you, or are you a guy that drives? Do you drive to the hole? Because I'll tell you, that's what I did Monday. OK. Ew. What? Yeah.

No, I meant drive toward the basket. Oh, that's OK. Yeah. OK. I thought you meant something, you know. No, no, no. China. No, no. Jesus Christ, no. Oh, that's okay. Yeah. Okay. I thought you meant something, you know. No, no, no. Vagina. No, no. Jesus Christ, no. Okay, I'm sorry.

Right. I'm sorry. And that doesn't exclusively mean vagina. Okay, okay. There's another hole. All right. I'm just saying. Oh no.

I'm saying, how dare you assume it's not anal? That's very insulting. Lucas, this has gone way off the rails. And I think I blame Lucas. Yeah, I blame Lucas too. Lucas, you know what? As Americans, we blame you. Yeah, dodge.

You European. You're not pulling your fair share. Yeah, you piece of shit. Hey, that was too far. This guy can drain trays all day and drive to the hole, provided it's the right hole. Lucas, I'm ashamed of myself, I'm ashamed of my country, I'm ashamed of my assistant, Sona.

This is just a mess. Hey, easy on the water, okay? That stuff ain't cheap. He keeps gulping water. No one ever said easy on the water. Easy on the water there, pal. Does Zoe know that you're talking to us right now? Yes, she knows. Does she approve or does she think

this is a huge waste of your time? No, she approves. Okay, good. She was pretty high for me. Does she like Conan? Does she know who he is? Yeah, yeah, she knows who he is. She likes him. Okay, hey. Yeah, there you go. I mean, who wouldn't? Yeah, yeah, she knows who he is. She likes him.

Oh, okay, hey. Yeah, there you go. I mean, who wouldn't, you know? Sorry. International, international star. She's just two rooms over instead of like outside excited. So I just thought maybe she was just ambivalent. They didn't even have that room.

She rented that room when she heard that Lucas was gonna be talking to me. She's paying a lot of money right now to stay away. Lucas, is there any way that I can help you? I like to help people and you seem like a nice guy and I'd like to help you in any way I can. Yeah, sure. So we were on the topic of basketball

and you were saying like those interesting phrases with like driving through the hole and that kind of stuff. So I'm in a team with a lot of introverts and I think, and I'm also kind of introverted, but when I'm on the court, I can get more vocal, but I think you could help me and maybe my team through me be more of a trash talking team. Oh yeah. Oh, you're, you came to the right guy. Yeah, exactly.

I'll tell you a true story, Lucas. I used to play a lot of basketball with just kids in the neighborhood. There was a hoop, there was a school across the street. There was a hoop there and so my brother and his friends would get together and a bunch of us would play and my sister Kate would come over and play.

She's a good athlete. And we would have these games, these just pickup games in the neighborhood. And I spent all my time describing who my character was. I would stop the game and describe who my character was, how he had done time in prison for murdering a fan in the stands, but got off on a technicality.

I would go on and on and on. Then I would talk constantly. When they would pass me the ball, I would start talking as my character. Oh, God. And it was so... I mean, occasionally, people would be laughing, but a lot of times they were just annoyed and frustrated.

And so all I did was talk. So yes, you came to the right place. I swear I could teach you guys to trash talk. I would be so good at it. That would be great. Yeah. Because I really know- Did that-

Go ahead. I was about to ask, did that trash talk open up anything like in the game for you? No, it in no way helped my game. It in no way helped my game because there were long periods of time where I'm holding the ball, not moving and not trying to score or pass,

but just monologuing as my character, Nicky Fiss. Nicky Fiss was actually one of them. Nicky, his name was Nicky Fiss. Nicky Fiss was actually one of them. Nicky, his name was Nicky Fiss, P-H-I-S-S. Oh God. And he had done time in prison for attacking an old woman in the stands and she had died and he had gone to prison for manslaughter but then got out on a technicality.

That is a real story. And I remember my brother, Luke, holding his head in his hands saying, can you just pass the ball? And I would be the announcer. This is Nikki's first time since being let out of prison on a technicality, may I remind you. Nikki Fiss murdered a 72 year old fan.

In the stands, we have tape of it now, we'll go to it now. And they were just begging me to play. So I will make your team more vocal. I will make your team great trash talkers. Will you be better at basketball? No. Will you be worse?

Yes. This will not help your game. Okay, that sounds like a good deal. What about physically? Is there any way I can help you physically? Like to train or anything like that? I'm a very physical man. I am 6'4", and I have a very impressive physicality in person. I know it doesn't come across on screen. Shut up, everyone who's here, just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

In person, I have a very physical aura. How can I help you in that area? Well, maybe, I mean, I've, this is not a good way to start this story, but I've completely giving up on gaining weight, even though I think I still should gain some weight, just to like throw people around a bit more on- You're saying you're skinny right now. should gain some weight, just to throw people around a bit more to be able to do that on the court.

You're saying you're skinny right now? I don't say I'm super skinny, but yeah, I'm more on the leaner side. How much do you weigh? And if you use kilos, I'm going to fucking lose it. I want pounds, because we are the dominant empire right now. Okay. How much do you weigh? I don't know how to convert this. Well, we can convert it.

How many kilos? I think I'm about 85 kilos right now or something. Okay. 187 pounds. Wow. 187 pounds. Okay. Six, three, you know what?

We're not far off because I'm six,four, about 191, something like that, 192, somewhere in that neighborhood. Of course, mostly muscle, that weighs more. Oh, God. I do this when I'm lying. Uh... I never did anything wrong. Uh... I have no lust in my heart.

My God. Okay, quiet. Man can look, can he? Anyway, you want to bulk up, right? I have no lust in my heart. Oh my God. Okay, quiet. Man can look, can't he? Anyway, you wanna bulk up, right? You don't wanna just put on weight, cause if you want to just put on weight, I would say drink liquid ice cream. Literally, I've heard actors say that.

You just buy ice cream, you leave it out so it becomes a liquid and you just ingest as much of it as you can. But that's how actors put on flab, but you wanna put on muscle, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I used to like before, like, like I told,

I had an intermission between the basketball season. So I didn't play for two years and I went to the gym more often and I gained more weight and more muscle. But once I started playing again, I basically didn't go anymore. And how does Zoe feel about this? Is Zoe content with Lucas right now?

Lucas who... Yeah, yeah, yeah, she is. She's not complaining, right? No. She's not saying, you're not man enough! I want more muscle mass! No. Not that I'm aware of, no.

Oh, she's been calling us. We got some calls from Zoe. Can you talk to him, can you set it up? Okay, I would say if you wanna put on weight quickly, and this is my advice for not just you, but anyone in Amsterdam, in fact, anyone in Europe, I would say move to America. Live here for six months,

and you will put on a ton of weight. And you won't even know what happened. But that seems to be, that's just the American way. It's our garbage food. Yeah, just live here and you will gain weight. So that's what I would say is move here. Now it's not gonna be muscle, it's not gonna be lean muscle mass,

but you will put on, you'll go back to Amsterdam, you will weigh on, you'll go back to Amsterdam, you will weigh 240 pounds. And you'll have had three knee replacements and you'll only still be only 26 years old. How many kilos? 108 kilos. 108 kilos.

You'll weigh 108 kilos, yeah. Yeah, what kind of car, do you have a car or do you drive around on a bicycle? I got a bicycle. I knew it. Do you ever go la la la la la when you're on your bicycle? That's all we do. Because when I was in Amsterdam, true story,

I was standing on a bridge and two beautiful girls, literally two of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen that were wearing plaid skirts, drove by together on one bicycle. Not a bicycle built for two, one girl and another girl. These women were, I want to say they were like 1920. One was sitting in front of the other,

straddling the front of the bike and the other was behind. They rode by and they rang the bell and they were going, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I thought, this is Amsterdam. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. We live in Amsterdam, this is Amsterdam. La la la la la la la. We live in Amsterdam. Ding ding.

If you do that for two seconds in LA, you'll be beaten with a pipe. You imagine if I got on the 405 freeway, ding ding ding, la la la la la la. Three gunshots out the window. Lucas, I admire you. La la la. La la la. La la la. La la la. Three gunshots out the window. Yep. Yep. Lucas, I admire you. You seem like a very nice guy.

I think you need to project a little more confidence. You're an impressive person. I think you're a little hard on yourself. I'm very happy that you and Zoe have found each other. I hope someday you spend some time in the same room. I look, I aspire for that for you. I hope someday she moves to the room that you're actually in.

But this seems to be working for you guys now. And it's been an honor. It's been an honor talking to you. Well, thank you for having me. I'll phone to Zoe and see if we can arrange something in the future. Yes, why don't you write Zoe a letter and then I want it to go through the postal service, okay?

And then be delivered to her door probably within a week by a mailman who'll be singing la la la la la on a bicycle. Well, Lucas, so cool talking to you and I hope our paths cross someday, that'd be fun. Yeah, that'd be fun. Thank you for having me. Yeah, take care. Cool to talk to you. Thank you, and I hope our paths cross someday. That'd be fun. Yeah, that'd be fun. Thank you for having me. Yeah, take care.

Cool to talk to you. Thank you, Conan. Thank you, Sona. Bye-bye. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sona Movesessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leal. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blayard. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm.

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