Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Eric Andre Returns

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Comedian Eric Andre feels moist about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Eric sits down with Conan to discuss the upcoming sixth season of The Eric Andre Show, pranks that have gone awry, and why you just can’t be ripped as a comedian. Later, Conan primes his team for a notable upcoming potential guest. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Eric Andre. And I feel moist about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fantastic. Fall is here, here and now, back to school. Ring the bell, bend your shoes, walk in the loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to meet friends. I can tell that we are going to meet friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend.

I am joined by my compatriots, Son and Obsession. How are you Son and? Hi. You seem a little prickly today about something. I don't know what's going on, but we'll find out soon. What are you talking about? I'm not going to be my... Not Gourley. Hi. How are you son? Hi, you seem a little prickly today about something. I don't know what's going on, but we'll find out soon. What are you talking about and? Not gory. Hi. How are you man? I'm pretty good. How are you? I'm pretty well. You're okay. Yeah, you're okay. Yeah You came in a little hot today. I didn't know what was going on. I think she's responding to you

Yeah, you said I you said I was the dumbest person you ever met before we started recording. You'll prickly. Oh, yeah, you're right. Wait a minute. I'm thinking, can you say no, I meant the worst person I ever met. That's right. Right. So I corrected it. You're not the dumbest.

You're the worst. Yes. So why would that get you all? I'm not prickly stupid and fine. Stupid. I like that. Can we just start calling these stupid? Yes, you can.

They stupid. But how are you in general? Yes, you can. They stupid. But how are you in general? How are you? I'm good, you're fine. You know, I was checking my wound. It's fine. I'm okay. What do you have?

I cut my finger cutting zucchini, but I'm okay. It's fine. What are you making? What? I was just roasting zucchini. And then I did it on a mandolin and I sliced a piece of my finger off. That's a question. Do your kids eat all kinds of food?

Are they super picky? No, they eat all kinds. They do. That's amazing. Well, it's just because we give them a lot of ethnic food and then they just eat a lot of stuff. We try that with when my kids were little, especially my son, so picky, just wouldn't super suspicious that everything was poisoned would only eat very specific things.

But when I've been around you, they're eating everything. You just can pull something out of the lawn and they'll eat it. It's incredible. And we do sometimes, we just go out there and get something and just put it, they,

Well, I think it's just grass. Yeah, which is weird. I think that's, I don't think there's any nutritional value to that. You put enough spices on it, it's fine. They just look like kids that eat everything. They do. They eat a lot.

I mean, but Beckett eats now. Okay, we don't use his name on this podcast. No, I can't. He's not his name many times. It's never but Beckett eats now. Okay. We don't use his name on this podcast No, it is named many times never a lot of times never. Yeah, his name's Rick He's named Rick. Yeah This is Rick O'Brien I think I had a pretty good save there. Yeah, pretty solid If anyone's mad at me, they'll be like, where is that rico, Brian? No, no, he's good, but I'm seeing as little kids.

I was very picky eater. I was very, very picky. Were you? Which doesn't work because it was one of six, there's kids. There's a bunch of kids in my family, and I was one of six. You probably got food hand-me-downs.

Yeah, I'm like, this hamburger doesn't fit me. Yeah, from hamburger to beef. The hem's on this hotdog or too long None of that makes sense. It's just stupid apologies all around But the point I'm trying to make is that I remembered once saying to my dad He was serving us all something, you know putting it all on the table and I said don't you know I don't like this and my father said why would I know what you like or what you don't like? And I know what you like or what you don't like. Oh my God.

And you know what? Oh my God. He said, why would I know what you like or what you don't like? And look, I'm not putting my dad down because I actually think he has a point. I mean, when they were to call you Rick. Yeah, listen here, Rick. You're going to shut up. And you're going to eat that.

Oh my God. And Marshmallow and Potato Sandwich. This is a rare moment of candor from my father. And he was kind of just saying, there's six kids. There's a bunch of animals running around the house, like pets, dogs, cats, my brother, Luke had parakeets. Your grandmother lives with us.

Your both parents work full time. And then suddenly this kid with an orange bowl haircut is saying, ooh, don't you know this isn't my favorite repass. My father said, what? I barely know who you are. Shut up, open your gob and shove it in. Well, what were you thinking?

He would just go make you a special meal that was different from everyone else's. I think for a second, I just, you know, whatever it was put in front of me was like, I don't, don't you know, I don't eat swordfish. Don't you know? And I, you know, this was the 70s. Nixon was resigning, you know, what it was a tough time. What does that change people's appetites across the nation? Oh, okay. I think we were all just on edge about inflation and what's Ford gonna do and what's this new show,

so I'm not live, oh Chevy Chase left, will the show ever continue? And that was the mood of the times. And then here I am saying, I'm not sure this fish is my favorite. Father. Father. Hello.

Ding ding ding ding. I had a spoon and I was banging it on a cup. It said, yeah, it said Nixon in 74 and I'm like, ding, ding, ding, ding, Fathers! Oh, God, it's probably real. This God is not quite to my liking. I like it abroiled, not fried. And he was like, what?

Shut up. Eat it. I don't even know which one you are. Which one are you, are you even one of ours? Are you a boy or you a girl? Are you one of the pets? No, he's asking all these questions out loud. He's asking them out loud.

And I'm like, well, first of all, as we can all tell, I'm all boy. What? Second of all, I'm the one we call Conan. Third from the top and fourth from the bottom. La-la-la-la. Then neighborhood bullies came in through the window and my own house and beat the shit out of it. Oh my god.

Father, father, help me. My father was like, here's 20 bucks. Kid him, hit him again. I think this is truly the first time I felt pity for you. I actually feel for you. Really? Yeah, guy, I just did it. Yeah, because it felt real.

And I do want to, I do love my dad and he's a great dad. And we're still to this day, a great dad. But yeah, did he think constantly about what my desires were? No, because it was a different time. It was the depression. No. Yeah, from you, the depression includes part of my first 10 years of my life.

The depression goes from 1929 to 1979. Because it includes my depression as a child. Anyway, we got a lot to talk about. Oh, God. Yes. We'll pick up more on that. Father! I'd like to hear the twilight seat on the third floor. It's vinyl and that's not how I like to ride.

And you know that, father. Poor dad. Poor dad. I'm not poor dad. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and host of the Eric Andre show on Adult Swim, which is now in its sixth season. This man delights me.

I'm thrilled he's with us. Mm-hmm. Eric Andre, welcome. You launched into this room full of pep and energy. And you are in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music slim up real good. But I had my 40th birthday party a month ago. And it lasted. And yeah, and I just you went crazy. I like cocktails. What can I say? What's your favorite cocktail? What do you like all of them? Um, I don't know. It's kind of like what's your favorite album? It's an unfair question. You're right. It's a insult that you would ask such a thing. Now, I like a rum old fashion. I like rum. I like rum a lot. I love rum. You got a pirate kind of vibe to you.

I do have a pirate vibe. And when I'm on rum, I just sprout and I patch and a pirate. And it just grows out of me and I got a love rum. Yeah, it's fun. And then I like to fight people. Yeah. You know, a lot of rum history started in Massachusetts. Massachusetts was a huge rum producer back in the day.

Back in the day. So you got it in your veins. Are you from Massachusetts? Well, originally from Ireland, but then we hung out in Massachusetts for a while before you were born in Ireland. No, but it's so funny. You're from Boston, aren't you? Yeah, I am from Boston, but it's so funny because my name's Conan O'Brien and I looked

the way they do. So many people think, I asked you from Dublin and I'm like, no, I grew up in Massachusetts, but. You were born in Ireland? No, no, I was born in Massachusetts. Why did you lie to me? I didn't, what did I say? Did I lie?

I don't think I did, I'm actually a judge. He goes, I started in Ireland and I moved to Massachusetts. You did, thank you. You did say I started in Ireland and we came over to. You did, thank you. You did say I started in Ireland and we came over to the beach. It was very strange. That's weird, I subconsciously lied to you. I, why did I do that?

You're strange, you're drunk on rum. Well, I'm gonna say right now, this is a Coke Zero. It's got nothing in it. No, I started out in Lebanon. Then it was off to Ireland for my dreams to come true. Then I made my way to Boston, because I heard that was the show business capital of the world. Turns out that was a mistake.

Oh, right under the Sikko Stein. That's where everybody... It all happened. ...and it all happened. That's where they filmed good fellas and Godfather. All good movies start running underneath the Sikko Stein. Right under the Sikko Stein. ...in the Sikko Stein.

Okay, I'm gonna make sense of this, because we have things to talk about. Tell me every. We can't be screwing around. This is a serious interview. Do you feel distracted in my creating a distraction? I think you should go. I think I want to continue my interview

with Eric Andre without Eric Andre. Because you're, yeah, your distraction. I'm sorry. You're getting in the way of my interview with you. Yeah. I love you. You're great. I love you too. You're a very funny man. You're a very creative man. You're a force for good. Thank you. I'm so I was very excited that I'd be seeing you today. I think the last time we talked, it was over zoom. And then today you

conversing in the door. Yeah. We hugged. Yeah. We guessed. I felt we kissed for quite a long time. You became moist. I felt your musculature. Then we fought for a bit, which surprised me. Oh, it didn't surprise me. It shocked me. You took the first swing. I came right. I blocked it. Came right back. It was. And then I was doing major kickboxing on you. You were shocked. I did Taibo. I did Taibo on you, which isn't a good defense. No, it's a very good exercise. Great exercise, not a good. You weren't even facing me as you did Taibo.

I know. And it made me easy to hit. I just was hitting you with a chair. And you were. Cumbling me. I'm bleeding out. And then you started doing squats as I punched you in the face. I don't know.

I don't understand any of it. And now we're here. No, very, very, very happy to have you here and so glad that your show is, you got a new season of the show coming out, which people absolutely adore. You've got great people on the show this year. You always get terrific guests. You always get great people to play along. But who, who we got this? It's like John Ham. I don't remember ham remember oh John ham. Yeah little Nas X. Yeah, good friend of mine little yoddy a lot of lils Yeah a lot of little porn star Mia Califa who you're gonna pretend you don't know any of her work Conan Oh my god this morning. I did a nine hour deep dive on her work She annunciates the dialogue very well.

That's what she's known for. Her ditching is perfect. I am the contaminor. I didn't notice anything else. You've got this great trajectory, which is you've made this show up completely. It's like sheer force of will. You pretty much made it all happen yourself in a lot of ways, right?

At the beginning, this was a homegrown project. Yeah, it was a junkyard show. It was you, and you were like, when you put together your show, you were living on couches. Yeah, yeah, where? I was like sleeping outside. I would sleep in like little parks because I was too afraid to sleep in central park. So I would sleep in like Saint Vartan's Park in Murray Hill. And I would pick a little, I had toothbrushes all around town. And I would hit you had two toothbrushes hidden in the park. Yeah, I think it was third rock from the pond to the left.

Here it is. Oral B with Sensenine. I would like, I would do stand up at night, I would do over mics and I would ask the audience if I could sleep over and sleep on their couch. And you meant it. And I meant it. I meant it. Wow.

Did it heat up in here or am I excited? What do you mean? Don't you feel like it's hotter than when we started? Yeah, that's your body heat. You think it's just, you're glowing. You're glowing. You're a clone. I'm pregnant. There's an, there's an omelet cooking on your shoulder.

It got hotter, didn't it? I think it got hotter because, I don't mean to flatter myself, but I think you saw me and I think you thought, shit, I'm sitting with that Conan O'Brien. That's right. I didn't realize. And you had to up your game. I looked into those Lebanese eyes and I knew.

Lebanese Irish eyes. And you knew you had to take it up a notch. That's right. You know, it looks good, man. It does, it looks okay. It's been pushed back by my, it looks good. It looks okay.

It's a wig. I bought it. I want to even care. I bought it from the estate of Lucille Ball. I want to even care. I want to even care. I want to even care. I want to even care. I want to even care. I want to even care. I want to even care. I want to even care. a state of Lucille Ball. The only thing is that it straps around my chin with a little

strap. That's the thing that always gives it away. Sometimes it slides back like a Yamaha. I wouldn't have it any other way. Okay, so, I mean, let's focus. I want to get, but I want to get before the show where you, your first passion is music and you jazz jazz in your neck with Berkeley College music. You went to Berkeley College of Music, which is still I was there not too long ago and I was walking around near the Berkeley College of Music and everybody there was so funny. I saw a kid hustling to class late and he was holding the largest. I don't know what, like, cello case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And running to class, holding a giant 60-pound cello case that dwarfed this person.

Yeah, yeah. I had an upright bass. I would bring the upright bass to class on my head, because I was so tired of slipping it. What a huge instrument though, the upright bass. It's cool, but it is not a good career choice or Life choice. So if I had a choice between like and we'll say the goal was to make a ton of money. Yeah, hedge fund or Planks jazz stand-up bass. Yeah, what do you think is the better way to go? Well, I think you know the answer to that brother

Yeah, okay, and that's why I always I work at a hedge fund now the answer to that, brother. Yeah, okay. And that's why I always, I work at a hedge fund, no. I think it'd be great if it came out that you and I co-founded a hedge fund and it was just killing it, but it was very unethical. Oh, yeah. Really, like, we were doing really unethical stuff and people- Ponzi's games.

Yeah, and people were saying, I don't understand. Connor Bryan, Eric Andre, team up. But what are they doing? We're buying lower income housing, evicting people. We're tearing it down and then we're selling it to a nuclear power plants. And it's got a name that isn't even, it's got some name like, Stylex.

But you know what's interesting, and talk about this, that you. Am I getting you off track? Cause you have a specific question. I don't. I really don't. Are you sure? Well, it's mostly about financial stuff. Do you want to know how much is in my bank account? I should do a show where that's what it's all about. Let's get down to brother. And we really crunch it and then we have we have your accountant call in. Yes. Well, no, okay. No, he's land rich. He's got a lot of properties.

But you know, I would like us to have more liquidity, and then we really crunch it down. Because that's what people want to know about you, Aaron. Yeah, uh-huh. The comedy is not interesting to people. That's, I agree. No one watches you, most of your fan base, I mean, I think you famously said your fan base

is like college dudes and black skateboarders. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, that's a perfect description. That is my demo. But, but no, they don't. And you know what, I just moved here. I moved back to New York City right now. Yeah, after 15 years, I was like, I need to go to a neighborhood.

My profile is a little bit higher than when I was here last and homeless. What's like a quiet, safe neighborhood, everyone will leave me alone. The East Village. That's where none of my demographic will, true. And I was wrong for the wrong. I was dead. Well, here's the thing.

When you, remember what I said about college, bros, and black skateboarders? You were wrong. That's their mecca. You need to be in like living in Jackie O'Nassus's old neighborhood, like on the Upper East side. I was gonna say the same thing for everybody's I don't like to generalize, but I'm just gonna say there's a certain neighborhood where most people are very old very white very rich

Yeah, and they probably don't want to do swim or they are they don't watch adult swim They don't know who I am. They think I'm a very they think I'm an actress who's aging poorly They're like a Conan. I love you in tar. I'm like, what, why do you know my name was Conan then? And they say like, why fucked up the joke? And then we get real deconstructed. But like Julian Moore has been drinking. Poor Julian Moore is getting people see me around and go, oh my God, poor Julianne Moore, what happened?

And then people come up to her and say, you were looking pretty rough. I saw you walking down the street with Eric Andre. No, what are you talking about? Are all actors completely psychotic and emotionally disturbed. Have you ever met a single actor who is like, hey, I'm grounded, I go to therapy and go, there's nothing wrong with me. They're all like, every single actor I've ever met,

completely. There's always one exception that proves the rule. You know, one, there's one that's like a nice, yeah, I mean, person, yeah. Tom Hanks seems like a normal person unless he's committing a string of serial crimes and the Pacific Northwest that nobody knows about but but you're right most people that get into the performing arts not well and uh and myself included we're not well I'm not an actor but I'm not well you know

and so it's got should I start the Zoloft? I have Zoloft in my medicine cabinet and I'm just looking at it and I'm like should I do another decade of crippling anxiety and yeah. Now, so did you get the prescription? Where did you stole it? Or you found this? You breath one on. You brought one man's trash. And another man's trash. I brought it. The inspiration date is like. That's when they really hit.

When they're, like, your first. Yeah, it's from the first Bush administration, the elder Bush. Those have just basically turned into salt now. They're not even a medication anymore. And they're delicious, brother. They're like, anchvi's from Sicily. Okay, so let's talk about this. Does this is something that I do think we need to explore,

which is, you talk a lot about your crippling anxiety, and yet you have chosen this form of comedy, which I would find to be the most important thing that I do think we need to explore, which is, you talk a lot about your crippling anxiety and yet you have chosen this form of comedy which I would find to be the most anxiety producing of all. Which is, pranks terrify me when I've been around them or when people have wanted me to sort of participate in a prank, I've been terrified. Really? Something's going to go wrong. You exude confidence. confidence also you're so giant you're like Paul Bunyan. I can't imagine you

You Howard and Sasha Baron co-inners so gigantic You guys just all exude confidence Yeah, but it's also you're just so high up there that it's like but it's like but but the personality is formed when you're young and afraid And your brothers are beating the shit out of you and that's when the personality is formed when you're young and afraid and your brothers are beating the shit out of you And that's when the personality is formed and you're going to school with carrot red hair and two front teeth that are dead and freckles and And you know two front teeth that are dead. I did I might when I was a little kid I fell on the driveway and my two front teeth died and my parents said well The you know dentist back then were like,

leave them in, the other ones will come out in a few years. And so I walked around these two gray teeth in front. It looked like corn that had rotted. You were like a chimney sweep from like 19th century. And I had a whole haircut that my mother insisted on. I looked like the Wendy's girl on crack, you know. And I'd stumble around. And Boston is a tough, tough town. Yeah, yeah. They weren't people are tough there.

Yeah. There was a lot of running away. I remember running away from people a lot and pranks. Oh, for a person with anxiety, how can I do such anxiety provoking? Yes. Things. I think that's actually part of it. And I've talked to my therapist about a lot. And I think it has something to do. I think my anxiety, 80D, and my OCD, they're all, they're all in a band together. They're all jamming out together.

And I think the only time I feel alive, that was in my head, but I didn't want to say it. I was like, I can't say that. Like I'm like, the guitar player from Aerosmith, the only time I feel alive is when I'm doing something like that's so high stakes and threatening my life that helps me focus. Maybe that's me trying to like. But my fear would not be that I would get hurt. My fear would be that someone else might get hurt

Mostly or physically. No, no, um, well both but physically too like you're shooting something or yeah or someone's it's supposed to look like someone got badly hurt But they didn't but someone would have someone else rushed in and then they got hurt. Yeah, I don't know I that's that's always the thing. It's in my mind, which is why I don't think about it that much. Yeah, I go into it blind. Yeah, well, I think it helps that you're a sociopath My medulla is the size of a popcorn curtail Is that what sociopaths have? They have like a neurological thing? We scanned you I want to check most When we when you were downstairs in the serious building, getting your quote, pass, we also scanned your minds. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You have no frontal or lateral lobes. There's just nothing there. I'm like that guy Phineas Gage. I got a railroad spike through my mind. Oh my God. It was name.

You knew his name. I'm a big Phineas Gage fan. Are you kidding me? I love his work. you knew his name. I'm a big Phineas gauge fan. Are you kidding me? I love his work. I got his album. This is the guy that accidentally got a railroad spike in his head and then lived for a long time, right? Yeah.

So he's like an early, early 20th century. Yeah. And maybe even late 19th century. He got a railroad spike through his frontal lobe question mark, or anything. And it didn't kill him, but it like changed his behavior. And he thought he was a chute, chute train. You should say, I'm leaving the station. Woo, woo, woo.

That's okay. Finneas, okay. All right. No, yeah, he got really cool after he got the railroad spike through his head. It was like punk rock. Yeah, it was like a body mod. My God.

I can imagine a guy like that getting all that attention. And then today, he'd get a whole bunch of attention on Instagram. And he'd blow up and everyone would be talking about Phineas Gage and spike through his head. And I know that two weeks later, he'd see it start to drop. And so it's say it's time to have another piece of metal last to do to my head from in a different direction and he'd be instantly killed. But he'd spike again. Yeah, but yeah, yeah, so go out. He'd go out. Trending. Back then you could have a whole lifetime being, hey, you're Phineas Gage, the guy that got a railroad spike from the head, high five me. Not anymore.

And then it's like, yeah, no, the spike thing was cool, but that's so 1998. What have you done lately? The good old days are behind us, man. You could just get one railroad spike to the head and you'd be on easy street. For the rest of your career. So this leads my next question.

Have you ever done a sketch and adult swim was like, okay, not that one. We're not going to do that. The only way we ever cut, we had a pro alkyda country song. That's the only one. It was like, oh, sweet alkyddo, can't believe I never tried you. Absolutely like that. And what was the point of view of this country singer that, you know, alkyd has been, it's

been, we've been shitting on them too much and it's time for them to get to break. Yeah, it was like there's a lot of anti-Al-Qaeda sentiment. They need like a PR shake up. So, and they so they have a country song. Yeah, so we had a country singer come in and sing a pro Al-Qaeda country song and they, and they see the only thing they ever cut. And I'm like defecating on my desk every other interview and they're like, yeah, no problem. Right. In front of celebrities. Right. Have you had?

Have you had celebrities walk out? Yeah. Who's walked out? The rapper TI walked out and Lauren Conrad, the reality TV show. Oh, from the hills or something? The most like you don't know. No, no, no. We dated and then we were married and then divorced, then remar No, no, no. We dated. And then we were married.

And then divorced. Then remarried. Then divorced again. But that was a long time ago. That was weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. So she walked out because she didn't like the flavor of your question.

Um, I vomited on the desk. I mean, yeah. I thought you slightly, you put something, you phrase something in a slightly insulting way you misspoke and she walked out No, it's fine vomited. I thought it and then I slurped the vomit back off. Okay. I don't do it. She didn't think that was Cool. Yeah a little too blue My real achievement was I had a guest walk out before I even interviewed them, which was yeah the he's a Famous director able for our and I know I love it. Yeah before I even interviewed them, which was, yeah, he's a famous director, Abel Farah.

And I love Abel Farah. Yeah, he's genius and he showed up and he just had a panic attack. He was watching me on the monitor and he had a panic attack. This is when we were in Rockford Center and he just said, I'm out. And he ran towards the elevator and got on the elevator

and the segment producer Frank Smiley chased him and lost him but then found him. and got on the elevator and the segment producer Frank smiley chased him and Lost him but then found him and there was a bar on street level. I think called hurlies that was and found him there Come on you gotta come back and he's like, okay, okay Bulls him back so he made it just in time But the idea that I actually had a guest walk before I even spoke to them was quite achievement What did you do? What did you say? I wasn't anything I, I think he just got really nervous. I think he saw me and said, I can't talk to that.

That crazy man with the pastry for hair. I can't talk to him. So he ran away, which is quite, yeah. Have you had pranks go awry or maybe it's, or you're in it and it's not happening the way you want it to go? Yeah, that's all that's every day. That's every time you shoot a prank. Going awry means different things to different people. So going a ride. Going awry can be great. Yeah, going awry. I'm in the going awry business. But it not Getting anywhere the prank being a dud happens constantly. You have to shoot so much more than actually airs

I think bad trip probably we shot your the final movie you're only seeing like 30% of the stuff we should right right Well that proves my the thing I've been saying forever, which is to me and it doesn't just apply to comedy But when you see something that you really like it's all about what you didn't show. Because I do think there are people that would look at your stuff and think, yeah, that just anytime you go out and do anything, it's all going to be magic all the time. No. 90% of it is unwatchable. Garbage.

Drash. Jesus, take a easy one. You okay? You still have those pills? Are they handy? Can you get to them? I'm gonna crush them off. I snortz-zol-off.

I snortz-zol-off. Yeah. That's not how it works. Oh, in a few weeks it's gonna kick in, man. I wish that you would get on a mood stabilizer. So powerful that it was a giant pill. And like a horse, they had to put it in a tube and blow it into your mouth.

Why do you want that for me? Because it would just be funny for me. It's like, it's time, it's time, Eric, you're like, oh shit, you open your mouth and they coming with a big tube and they get a veterinarian to do it. Or else they have a dark gun that they, and they chase you with it.

And you're trying to get away. Get him in the carotid. Like I'm a rhomba or something. I got a three year old in my hand. I was drinking was good for you. It would be great. It would solve all my problems. It was filled rich with vitamins and antioxidants. Yeah, turns out ethanol is Poison. Yes, that's concentrated poison. I'm like, yeah, that's a problem. Yeah, I also wish regular exercise shortened your life I Trinking

Dr. He's like, what are you even doing? Well, I jog, I also do weights three days times a week and I try and get my heart rate up at least six times a week. Okay, we gotta stop that now. Are you drinking? Well, water? Oh God. No, no, no, no, no. Sugary, fruity rum drinks.

You need to drink so many of them that when you wake up in the morning, you wish you were dead. You wish that you were dead. You've got to pin your calot of machines. You're gonna need it. Back in the day, doctors would smoke cigarettes. Yes, of course. Yeah, while they were talking to you about your long ex-right. That's insane. You know what's crazy though? There are these people like Winston Churchill, obviously an example of that guy. That health nut. He hated vegetarians. He called them bean eaters. Oh, bean eaters.

And but he ate and he drank constantly. And with all he had to eat was like roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. And he's drinking and he's power smoking cigars all day long. Thighs at like 94. He's serious. He lived a day long. Thies it like 94. Are you serious? He lived a really long time. It's not fair.

And all these friends of his around him were saying, Winston, please get ahold of yourself, man. And one of my favorite quotes is Peter O'Toole, one of the greatest actors of all time, late in life, they said, what are you doing now that you've retired like Sir O'Toole? Because you've made a, you know, he's knighted. And he said, they said, what are you up to these days?

You're because you're acting less. What are you doing? And he said, how do you spend your time? And he said, I, uh, I attend the funnals of friends of mine who took exercise. He's a legendary drinker. Just drank his way through the 60s and like all of those guys. But in George Burns, cigars till he was like 101 years old. So what is that mean?

Is it old genetics? Is it just a genetic crap shoot? Yeah. They do. Should I start doing HGH now and all crazy? You should. Dwayne the rock Johnson kind of drugs. I should.

Oh, that's a myth. It's all pure. It's Dwayne. He's all pure with Joanne. He's 75 years old. No, what do I do? All joking aside, I do think it's been shown that the cigarette thing is probably a gene, meaning there are people genetically. They don't, I don't think they've isolated that gene, but there are people who can smoke

and they're much less, less, less, less likely to get any kind of lung cancer. My guess is that Keith Richards is like one of those people, you know? It's insane to inhale the combustion of tobacco. Stattily. Stattily. Since 1957, I think Keith Richards started smoking in the crib. And then, yeah, but he... But what about all the drinking? fifty seven i think he thrichard started smoking in the crib and then and then and then

yeah but he what about all the drinking what's in church was like he was like jack caro wack he was like blood blood blood blood that's another thing to where i think he was taking drinking throughout the day but not uh... no i don't he was not jack caro wack he was not a blackout drunk he was not drinking and um like. He was drinking in a different way. He was drinking in the sophisticated English imperialist way. He was drinking, it's five o'clock somewhere, is his quote. He was drinking gin like all day, what an idiot. I don't, but I don't think he was, I don't think it was glug, glug, glug drinking. That's all I'm saying is, and I also think it helps when you're an imperial power. When you're, you know, colonialists, they're just, there's something about that system

that preserves the organs. It doesn't make any sense. No, everything I'm saying. So should I take over country? Yes. Should I take over like a small Caribbean island, make a monocrop? Yes. And if you exploit their resources for your good,

coalball, yeah, exactly. And then underpay them, yeah, um, you can drink all you want. Oh, you'll live forever. Hey, I like the way this is going. I'm off to a pow new. You aren't essentially good person, but I keep convincing you to get a edge fund. Yep.

Uh, what a slum lord become a sl hedge fund. Yep. What would it be? It's a slum lord. It becomes a slum lord. Yeah. It expires all of. Yeah, and then colonize other countries for your own good. All right.

That's all you take out of this thing. I think I heard you say once that it's, did I answer to single one of your questions? No, but that's not the point of this. Are you sure? Yeah. I was, I was, I was. No, no, you're doing very well. Very well. So I think I think anxious. No, no, but we, you know, this is this is my method.

Okay. And this is my way of helping you. Okay. By not answering the questions, you're answering the ultimate question. Wow. Yeah. That's a fucking trip. Yeah. Yeah. I own that quote now. Hashtag Conan wrote that. Um, you're Howard Stern's favorite interview. That's got to feel good. It does feel good. That's got to be, that would be my Oscar. That'd be beyond an Oscar. That's still, I'd prefer the Oscar.

Because if I had an Oscar, you know what I would do, I would, I would have it bolted to the hood of my car. Not only people always act kind of coy, like, oh, no, it's at home or it's in the broom closet. No, I would have it mounted on the, on the, on the hood of my car. Not only people always act kind of coy, like, oh, no, it's at home or it's in the broom closet. No, I would have it mounted on the hood of my car and drive around and then act surprised when people notice it. If I had a cable ace award, I would be doing that. I would duct tape it to the front of my door.

I love that you even know what a cable ace award is. I came up through the cable ace awards. The cable ace awards raised me. Your mother would be able to. You suckled at the teeth of the cable ace awards cable ace awards. Shaped my world view, brother. Me explain to our listeners who are young and doesn't know what a cable ace is, but a long time ago, they had a separate award show for cable and it was really looked down on like now HBO just gets the Emmy like anyone else. Yeah, but back then it was the cable Ace Awards. And when I first got to LA, I was nominated for a cable Ace Award and I went to a cable Aseward show. And it was my introduction to the world. Because I was working on an HBO show, but it was back when you got HBO at a, and you know, like, I wanna watch HBO.

Let's go find a motel and check into it. I went to a cable Aseward's and just, and I've never been to an award show before. I'm 22, I'm from Boston by way of Ireland and Lebanon, and I'm excited. And I'm sitting in the audience and someone came out with a headset and a clipboard and said, Ladies and gentlemen, the top of the show, there were group the temptations are going to come out with the four tops. I forget

which but let's say it's the four tops. The four tops you're going to come out, you're going to sing a medley of their hits. They'll be dressed as space men. They will have pretend laser guns. The lasers will be added later in special effects. When they all in unison point a laser, all of you please go, ooh, as if a laser has been fired. Thank you very much. And I was like, what?

And then, then, then, laser, gentlemen, welcome to the K-Way's Awards 1985. It's the four tops. Sugar pie, honey, Oh, sugar pie. Kazoo. And we all went, woo. Sugar pie. You don't want to be cousin. Wow. And I thought, oh, show business is complete embarrassing bullshit. It's the most embarrassing. I wish I was an attorney. I wish I was a tax attorney who worked in a big office tower. I'm just in sad for everybody. That was the cable

ace awards. And so how could you're so much younger than me? How do you even know? That's true. It is true. You are 20 years younger than me. No, I don't believe that. Okay. Well, I know I look amazing. I mean, I fucking look amazing Can you tell people can't see right now, but I'm not wearing a shirt and my chest is oiled and it's You should be like my eyes are up here You've I mean you intentionally gained a whole bunch of weight for the prior season, the season five and then for this season season six, I got shredded. So when you, when you gained, you gained a lot of weight. I gained 40.

I wasn't good at it. It was like fluctuating a lot. You can see my weight fluctuate throughout the episode. And it was probably 40, 45 pounds. It was fun. It was awesome. That was the most fun body modification. That was like pizza at night.

All the peanut colladas you could ingest, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at night. And then you you get really depressed but in the beginning it's fucking awesome but what sucks is I never had I am older and I never had problems with weight ever I was always skinny and I could always eat whatever I want. But after that season, like your fat cells, when they expand, they just go, oh, I can do that now. And now, for the first time, I have to watch what I eat and I can drink as much as I want.

And I permanently jack myself up. And what do you, and then I got shredded for this season. And then as soon as I wrapped, and then I got shredded for this season. And then as soon as I wrapped, we wrapped last year this shooting this season. And the second I wrapped, I ate like an entire unsliced pizza. And then I went to bed. And then I woke back up. And then I ate like six bagels. And then I went to Portugal. And I drank like 40 gallons of wine. And then it's all what, you know pfft, it all came crashing down. Well you still look good, you look,

I mean this is, you know, yeah, when you came in I thought like, no, he's looking good, he's looking good. It's a lot more, I'm wearing a lot more sweat pants and a lot less jeans, and that's a sign that a little thick, callin' it thick towards. When I take my shirt off, I look like an orangutan about to breastfeed.

So very maternal. When I take my shirt off, I look like an orangutan about to breastfeed. So very maternal. That's great. Just the love shoest around a male orangutan about to breastfeed, which is very rare. Those are the rarest orangutan to ball. I, you know, what I can identify as I think we were both the same this way is I had this great run right a crazy high metabolism. Yeah. And I could not so in my 20s and 30s and I look at pictures of myself from that era.

And I was eating like a maniac disgusting and have a very clear memory of getting lunch. And this is when I'm at SNL and Dana Carve is there and he's watching me and I order a cheeseburger and french fries. I order a chocolate ice cream soda with chocolate ice cream. And then when that's done, I order a coke and I drink the coke. And then when that's done, I order an ice cream sundae. And he and I'm skinny as a rail. And he said, how old are you, Conan?

And I said, 24. And he went, enjoy this. Enjoy it. And so now, I flash back to that and go, oh, that's what he was talking about. The metabolism slows down. It does. That's why I do cocaine. It speeds things up.

Speeds it all. I smoke a lot. It really helps kill the appetite. H-H. Great. I have fantasized some about taking a lot of stuff and getting jacked like Carrot Top. Yeah. Carrot Top is just saw him live. Oh, yeah. For my 40th birthday, I went to Vegas with my friends. Yeah. And before my friends got got there I just went and saw shows incredible.

Yeah. I think he gets people are too mean to me. Yeah, yeah. He will mean to him in the 90s. I've thoroughly enjoyed it and he was a total sweetheart and he is almost 60. Very jacked. He's a very nice guy, he's a very sweet guy but he's crazy jacked and I thought my fans would just be, I think it was really funny.

Yeah. I suddenly got jacked. They would laugh at it. And also anything I tried to do after that wouldn't be funny. Yeah. That's why I like came crashing down. Like I was in the best shape I'd been since I was like 18 years old, but I was like this has no comedic value, really. And it's only funny in relationship to the previous season

because it's such a drastic change, but as a life choice, like a comedian, you can't be ripped as a comedian. Also, I mean, like you have to be. It's very hard. Gross, you have to look disgusting. It's very, I get infuriated when incredibly good-looking people are very hard. Gross, you have to look disgusting. It's very, I get infuriated when incredibly good looking people are very funny.

It enrages me. I don't think of like, John Hamm is really funny. And Tim Allafant is really funny and their torture. And it enrages me because I think, no, no, no, this was my consolation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the cookie I got. Yeah, come on. Come on. I was my consolation part. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the cookie I got. Yeah.

Come on. I was born looking like this. Not, yeah. You can't give it to him. He can't get the same cookie that I got. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's like that Drew Carrey joke.

He's the funniest joke. He said these nude paparazzi photos of Brad Pitt leaked where he was naked and he had a huge penis. And he's like, that's not fair. And he's like, you can't he was naked and he had a huge penis and he's like, that's not fair. And he's like, you can't be that good looking and have a huge penis. He's like, Ron Jeremy, we get it. Okay.

You like? They gave him something as he was headed out the door. And just before they sent him to earth, they're like, we're sorry, give him one of these. Elephant trunk. All right. There you go. You feel better now? Kind of. And you're getting this guy's in so much Mary so hot.

He's got such a big cock and then you're getting this. I'm sitting at home jerking off to a bootleg copy of precious. This guy's fucking Angelina and Julie. I know. I'm giving him credit. I know comics get sensitive, but it's a little joke that he's probably done a bunch of times. Drew Kerr is going to come after me after this party. He's going to come after you now.

He has to take so many of those game shows in a day. He doesn't have time. I don't know. How you seen his stand-up live? He's hella dirty. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because he does the game shows and you can't be dirty on the game shows. So it's pent up.

It's pent up and he says crazy. Shit, it's hardcore. It's like a G.G. Allen concert. Why doesn't he just do it one time on the game show? On the game show, like that. And then just do one, re-ghost for it. And then of course they can't air it,

but they put it online and they give everyone a prize in the audience. So they're all happy. Why not? Because we live in a weird, puritanical society where we still have standards and practices and sensor boards. And it's like an old school thing. Sensation. Right. You can't say a curse word or it will put a curse on your family. That's a crazy, that's medieval, right? Yeah, it's less and less. I mean, when I got into it, there really was,

I remembered having a, You couldn't say hell on it. I met a rotisketch for Chris Rock and they remembered sitting down with actual people in suits who were saying, All right, let's go through this. This word's out. Really?

This word's out, yeah. Like the censors. Yes, yes, the censors. You really met the censors. Yeah, like the senses. Yes. Yeah, it's really met the sensors. Oh, they came in Oh, this is out and this is out and of course this is out and But then what's was really weird is I would offer replacements that were in often worse And they would say yes, of course Because they just wanted to show that they have done right their job We went in and we did our job and we took this stuff out.

So we took out penis and then Conan put in massive cockaroo. All right, very good. Okay, what's the plan for the rest of the day? What are we doing? Going right back to bed, dude. Face down on my floor kitchen floor cold dial. Okay. All right. Well, did I answer any of your questions? I think in a way you answered every question.

Did I? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I thought it was, I mean, you know, Adam way in. I was just a key. Erick's self-conscious about non-answering questions, but this was a delightful conversation. No, I'm not saying that. I'm such a fan and I get so excited. It was a conversation. It was a conversation.

It was a conversation. It was a conversation. It was a conversation. You know what it was? It was two jazz musicians. You with your stand up face. And me with my piccolo. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do sunglasses and I'm wearing a minors helmet and we're just going for it. Right on fuzzy. Three in the morning the club's empty, but we're just playing because we love to play. Eisenhower's spending my tax dollars on them highways. No way Jack.

Oh, that made me. Oh, that reference made me so happy. Oh, beat Nick. Oh, that reference made me so happy. Oh, fuck. Beatnik. Beatnik. The way I, not my tax dollar. That's how tame our country used to be. Eisenhower wanted to build highways that connected the states

using tax dollars, which really weren't that much. And some beatniks were mad about it. I'm not playing my bongos till Ike. Oh, that reference made me happy. Yeah. Well, you know what? I wrote that reference during the first K. Belay's award. I'm 85 years old, ladies and gentlemen, the four tops are about to enter. It will look like they're ejaculating, but they're not. Seaman will be added later. Pretend to be impressed that they're firing them like lasers.

Really happened. You know what? I'm just thrilled to know you. Glad to consider us friends, even though you ghost me every time I text. I'm not going to make eye contact, dude. As soon as they hit cut, I'm going to look at the floor and walk out. I'm going to get up. When this is over, I'm going to stand up to approach you and say, Hey, I love that. That was really fun.

And someone that works. She was going to step in between us. No. And then, and then you'll be whisked out of it. No, nobody, no entourage. I have no agent, no manager. My lawyer is legalzum.com. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He goes, you know, I've never had an agent. I go, yeah, he goes, I just have a lawyer. I go, get out of here. You've never had, he goes, I just never got an agent. Seriously.

And then, yeah, then he goes, yeah, legal zoom. That's it. You know, my favorite thing that I used to, my memory of Matt is when I was on the Simpsons, he would come in and he would be in his travels around the world. He would see when he saw the most horrific, comically horrific bootleg of a Simpson's product, he would buy it

and then bring it back to the writers room to show us not because he was going to pursue any legal action just because it cracked him up. I don't know. Somewhere in Mexico, he found someone had tried to make a wooden replica of Bart Simpson's head and then painted it with shoe polish and was like selling it on the side of the road and he bought it and he brought it in and it was Bart but he looked like he had been in a horrible accident. And then had a disease that inflated parts of his head but not other parts. And that was like a little kid. He was like, isn't this great?

And he kept a big collection of them. I thought that's cool. I like that. Yeah, that's the highest compliment you could give Matt. Eric, I want to thank you for being my best friend. Yes, my only friend. My only friend, really. No.

And seriously, keep making things. You make people really happy. And you've got a great loving spirit and you're a crazy, funny, and thank you. Thanks for being out there and you're crazy funny and thank you. Thank you for being out there and doing your thing. I appreciate it. The feeling's mutual. Appreciate you.

I appreciate you and let's kiss. Let's finally get it. Okay. All right here I come. I don't know what that's the sound of me kissing. That's like a squid that got stuck in a blender. I don't know what that and I'll tell you why. Yeah, you suck. Oh, I'm just, oh, oh.

Well, I'm just saying I'm concerned. I'm concerned about the future of this podcast, and I think we need to clear the air a little bit. Here's the issue. The issue is that this potential booking has arisen. And the reason we started fighting beforehand is I just said, I'm worried, Sonah, about this podcast, this booking happening because there might be some issues. That's all.

I'm saying you don't normally talk about bookings on the show before the show happens. Sure. And you don't like talking about potential bookings because you don't want to jinx it. I know. I know that this goes against my rules, but you also know that I'm a very freeform kind of guy. Oh, yeah. And I know, no, this goes against my rules, but you also know that I'm a very freeform kind of guy and no, no, I just Even blaze like no, no, no, you know that I'm not a control guy. I'm polyshore over here

Dinosaur. Yes, polyshore. No, I don't know I've blown who our guest. Yeah, yeah, What's figured out your references ahead of time. Yeah. No, I'm just saying, I happen to know that he crafted his material, Paulie. What I'm trying to say is that I'm very much in touch with the energy around me. I go with the flow. I don't overthink things. And that's I think what's made me a household name. Yeah.

If you're a fan of the cone on the barbarian. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who the guy was that you just said. No, no, no, I'm sorry, but the Conan movies. People love those movies. Anyway, here's what's happening loyal listeners or people just tuning in for the first time.

There's a potential guest on the horizon. It hasn't been locked down yet, but he wants to do the podcast and I've interviewed him several times, or many times in the past on the late night, so I'm always love him. And the problem is there's someone in this room who's such a super fan that I almost worry about this gentleman's

safety and security during the interview. Mine? No. Just stopping a wise ask for one second. Okay. I want you to accept the fact that there's a maybe 50, 50 chance that you will be in a room with Harrison Ford in the near future and that he might be a guest on the podcast and you would sit here and participate in that interview.

He would be sitting maybe about, I think I'm going to say that's about a foot and a half from you. I'm going to make that a foot if we really. No, no, no, no, taking the wheels off these roly chairs. Okay. I don't want you wheeling over to him every second and cuddling. You are a massive James Bond fan, but you also are a fanatic, a Harrison Ford fanatic. Star Wars, you name it.

Anything Harrison Ford has done. You saw him in Eugene O'Neill's Iceman comic, in the audience, he was there working on a seat that was broken. You are obsessed with this man, Harrison Ford. Yeah, he's my favorite actor of all time. He's played Indiana Jones and Han Solo two of my favorite characters. He's a carpenter.

He's gruff. He suffers no fools. I think you're right. You should worry about this. Yes, I'm glad. So, I think you're gonna be cool. Oh, I'm gonna be cool. I think you're right. You should worry about this. Yes, I'm glad. So, I think you're gonna be cool. Oh, I'm gonna be cool. Yeah, you're fine. You like you some hair. I love Harrison Ford.

But you can control yourself. This is uncharted territory. You know, I'm a professional. I've been around major stars my whole life. What? Yeah. You haven't been around major stars your whole life. My father was a microbiologist You're also bearing the lead. No, I'm not what I meant

What I meant was major stars in the world of microbiology. Oh Okay, yeah, yeah, people that are done incredible work on antibiotic resistance. What did you think? I'm sorry I think you meant like celebrity is like TV star These are celebrities to me. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. We all have to look out for antibiotic resistance These are celebrities to me. Oh, I'm sorry, okay. We all have to look out for antibiotic resistance. Okay. Use those antibiotics wisely.

But huge names in that field. That's what I was talking about. I'm sorry, I misunderstood you. Do you think you're going to get it together if Harrison Ford ends up doing the podcast? He's truly, yeah. I think when I'm really, really appreciate and revere someone like this,

I will probably end up being a little bit more reserved and a little bit more on guard because I really don't want to blow it. Because if I play my cards right, he and I are leaving pals. Let's spin out the scenario a little bit. Tell us what's your opinion. What do you think happens, Matt? We walk straight down to Chipotle.

We pick out each other's meals for each other. We try to size each other up. I bet you're one of these guys. Right. And I get him and I nail it. And he's like, what did you get him, nailed it. I just got him a bean and cheese burrito with some cilantro and a tomato. So there's some tomato.

Wait, a whole tomato? Well, they cut it up. They cut it up. I thought you took a big chance and said, oh, and Mr. Ford will have a whole tomato on the side. He's gonna eat it like an apple. Have you been to Chipotle? What the fuck?

He's like a bear. I hope you know what I'm rooting for. I hope that you overstepped the bounds, and I hope you blow it in some way that's maybe even catastrophic for this podcast, but I would live off the pure joy of that screw up forever. Challenge accepted. And leash unleashed, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Unclicked, I guess. I thought that when I first heard he was a possibility, I thought you would do something to keep me and Matt away from it. Matt especially. I tried. I tried very hard, but he's he said the only reason that he's doing it is because of you two.

Yeah, apparently he doesn't even think he doesn't even think I'm gonna be here. Yeah. I don't know what that's not gonna be there is he? This is my Harrison Ford Just woke up. General Pat. I'm gonna kill those Nazis. Hey, general Pat, and I'm not pating on Harrison Ford. No, he is very funny, he's very drily fun, he's a very, very funny guy. And in that sense, I think I understand, he's not the person you can be desperate around.

So I probably will just clam up because I'm not gonna try to make someone who doesn't like fools like me, you know what I mean? I'm probably gonna be pretty scared. I'm convinced that I will still be needy because that never changes. No, that never changes. I'll do some things that irritate him

throughout the interview. On purpose? I think probably, yeah. Yeah, just to get him going. I'll say I'm, you know, I don't think airplanes are great machines. I don't think it's a very, I don't think it's a great design and we should probably

just, you know, mankind should stop using them. What the hell you're, I mean, I could, so I think that would be one thing. I could say. You need to get into a point, get to a point where you could just like fly somewhere. That's where we're going right after Chipotle. We're going to fly from Chipotle to Chipotle and pick up full tomatoes. You know what? You should do. You should convince him. Just do a lot of reading that you're an avid pilot and then become friendly with him and then take him up and reveal right after lift off that you've never done this before. That's like a scene from Table of Doom. Can you fly? No, can you? What? What? Don't do that when he's here. Please don't don't. I'm getting it out. No, you're there's no getting it out now. Getting it out. That's like a pervert saying, well, I

just masturbated once that should take care of problems. Well, all taken care of for all of time. I just shot my low. Oh, can I'm ready to be a regular person for the rest of my lifetime? Because we all know, demon doesn't regenerate and urges don't return. I'm worried about you now. Well, for other reasons, not about Harrison Ford. I just shouldn't be out in the world. That was too real.

And that's also my real speaking voice, I used to. Whenever we're off, Mike, I go, how did you guys think it was? Did you like it? Wild Master band. Do you think Harrison had a good time? Are you gonna be a usual self? Yeah.

Okay. So, I'm joking around. You know that I travel in some pretty heady circles. I do. Okay, so what? I'm gonna flip out because Harrison Ford's here. No, I don't think so? I'm gonna flip out, because Harrison Ford's here. No, I don't think so. I'm gonna be like,

Hey, HF, which way is the wind? Yeah. Which way is the wind blowing? No. What's up? What's up, what's up, what's up? You don't even do that normally.

Now I'm worried when he comes in, we're all gonna be trying to play it so cool that we're not even gonna speak to him. We'll just talk to ourselves. I'm gonna smoke the whole time. Yeah, I'm just gonna have a cigarette. Well, no It's gonna be one of those bubble gum vapes It's gonna make a little bubbling sound And the whole room will smell like watermelon and bubble gum Let me tell you something, Harrison. I've been around. Bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble, bumble make a bubbling sound. No, I think you're confusing a bubble pipe with a watermelon

flavor thing. I know what sounds funny to me. So I altered, I essentially altered what an e-sigarette is, what a vape pen is to match what I think is funny. Okay. So I bend time in space. Well, now you're going to make things that aren't in and of themselves funny to create. Yes, in my mind of eight goes, and that's a fruity smell on the room. It isn't just me. Harrison Ford has gone in five minutes. Guess what? I just got on. Guess what? Yeah. His publicist just heard some of this conversation and he's out. Yeah. He's definitely probably best. Yeah, yeah, she played him two seconds of us talking about him and That's the right choice I think I think the right choice is for him to just not come and I think for the team I should call him sick. I really think I shouldn't be here. He fled this podcast like a giant boulder was rolling after him

See that I understand. See now you talking. What if you have to pee real bad or poop? I'm planning to wear a diaper. All right. All right. Let's switch back to that. I'm saying like, there have been times when we've interviewed people where I've had to go to the bathroom really bad and I'm like sweating here

and you guys are chatting. So I'm just saying like, what happens if then that just becomes like, I think that's- But there's nothing to do with Harrison Ford being a cool, great booking for us. That's just you needing to use the bathroom sometimes. So that's completely apropos of nothing. I know, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to figure out all the scenarios. Okay, maybe let's get on with the show. Okay, but HF. HF, if you change your mind, come swing on by. Okay, practice cockpit, grab a hold tomato, here we go. A little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little. They pen sound that doesn't really exist. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themesong by The White Stripes, Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick,

Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien, Needs a Friend on Apple

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