Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Fun Facts About Colombia

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

Conan talks to David from Colombia about working in a dangerous profession, death metal, and fun facts about his home country.

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, David. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, David.

How are you? Hello, Sona. Hello, Matt. Hello, Conan. Oh, I like that little gray hair coming out of your face. Which one of us? Yeah. It's called a beard where we live.

Yes. Yes. But thank you. Thank you. I admire your beard as well. You have a nice... Yeah, it's going. It's not that great, but I have to have it until it comes out naturally good.

Right? It's going to get there. Give it a 15 more years and you'll be fine. Exactly. David, where are you contacting us from? Where are you in the world? Right now, I'm in Bucaramanga, Colombia. Bucaramanga.

Where is Bucaramanga? It's just nearby Florida Blanca. Perfect. No, I'm really... It's about 30 meters south of Cucamanga and Habibanga. I don't know. I'm the ignorant one here, but I don't know where it is. Yeah, don't worry.

It's one hour flight from the capital Bogota. I was in Bogota when I was a very young boy. Really? Yeah, my father was on a trip for his work to visit a lot of cities in South America. And I think that one of the first stops was in Bogota, Colombia. And I was very self-conscious because I remember all the women walking up to me and touching... My hair was like carrot orange and I had big freckles. And so women would come up and just touch my hair.

Now, today I would love that. Like fortune? Today I would love that. I would pray for that. But as a boy, it sort of upset me and terrified me, made me very self-conscious. That's my only memory of Bogota. Well, it's a beautiful city. My mother lives there, by the way.

Okay. I think she was one of the women that touched my hair. I remember that. She said, one day my son, David, will also laugh at you. So, David, tell me about your life. How's it going? What do you do? Well, I'm 30 years old.

I know I don't look like it, but yeah. What do you mean you don't look like it? I think you look like a 30-year-old guy. Yeah, but I feel like 50. No, I'm just kidding. Are you a club comedian? What's happening here? I'm just kidding.

I'm an industrial engineer and I have two jobs right now. I'm currently working at a manager, a pharmaceutical company, and I work at the steady planning at the mayor's office. Oh, okay. Why? You work for the city of Bucca Manca. Florida Blanca. No, Florida Blanca.

Oh, Florida Blanca. It's white Florida. Okay. Well, that's kind of a... That's redundant. Talk about redundant. Yeah, white Florida. So, I'm curious if you...

So, you work on statistics. That's part of your job. Is that fun? I mean, it sounds a little dry. It doesn't sound like it's that much fun. Well, it's not that fun, to be honest. But the thing is that I go to the communities and I make this work with the people.

I mean, I try to gather all the data. So, I work on my statistics. So, I have to go to all the places of the city. Oh, so, you get to travel all around. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, it's cool. I mean, sometimes we have to go to very dangerous places, but yeah, we try to make the best out of it.

What kind of dangerous place do you go to? Well, the thing is that Florida Blanca has a great place that is called Barrios de Invasión, which it's the neighborhoods that people buy their... build their own houses, right? Like the favelas on Brazil, right? Yeah. But we have to go there

and we have to do a characterization of the population and sometimes it can get a little dangerous. Do you mean sometimes you feel like your life is threatened? Basically, yes. Because they see you as an outsider coming in, asking a lot of questions and they don't like that. Exactly.

And we carry a lot of equipment, a lot of laptops and cell phones. So, yeah, things happen. Oh, you get stuff maybe taken from you and things like that. Exactly, yes. Well, that wouldn't happen if I was around. Yeah. How come?

I'm very physically intimidating. Okay. Not me, I mean just the idea of me. Okay. Me in person is, yeah, I'd be immediately attacked. Also, it would be your reputation preceding you and people. Yeah, I'd send my resume ahead. And I think that would quiet all the...

What are you just going to drop leaflets of your resume from the C-130? If you'd be walking with your resume around. Just, yeah. I know I like Gorley's ideas. Weeks before I arrive every day, huge dumps of my resume and my work over 30 years in the business.

Maybe some old Simpsons episodes. And then I show up and I'm showing the proper respect. But, yeah, short of that, I'll immediately be murdered. So, have you ever lived in the United States? Yes. As a matter of fact, I did. In 2014, I lived in Ohio for six months. Oh.

Yeah. Was this a punishment of some kind? Well, I don't know. It sounds like a sentence. You are to serve six months in Ohio. And then you may return to your beautiful Columbia. Did you ever go to the real white Florida? I have.

What did you do when you were in Ohio? Well, the thing is that there is a program called Work and Travel that allows you to go to United States with a visa work permit. And you work four months over there and then you can travel for two more. Wow. Well, I went to Ohio.

I work at a hotel, at front desk, at a hotel called Putt & Bay Resort. And it was a great experience. I mean, it had really bad moments. But overall, it was a great experience. I'd like to hear about the bad moments. What was the bad moments? Okay.

I mean, the bad moments, I like to call it like the three days in hell. Sure. That does it. Three whole days in hell. Four people came on a Tuesday. Well, to check in, of course, to the hotel. And I checked them in.

And the guys seemed great. There were two couples, right? And on the first night, they come to the front desk, really drunk. And they asked me, hey, man, can we use the jacuzzi? And I was like, no, the jacuzzi service is up until 6 p.m. And it was like 10 p.m., right? And they were keep going at it like, come on, man.

And no one's in the hotel. Because the hotel was like dead on the weekdays, right? Yeah. And I was like saying, no, I'm not authorized to do that. So one of the guys actually pulls up his wallet and takes out $100 bill and says, look, turn on the jacuzzi and I'm going to give you $100. And well, that was the first time I got bride.

Oh, you took it. It worked. Yeah, I mean. Welcome to America, David. As soon as the bill touched my hand, I was like, OK, how many towels do you guys need? Let me just turn on the bubbles. Yeah.

So what wonderful morality tale you just told us, David. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So the first moment, it's like you are high on dopamine. Like this is great. Yeah. But then you feel like kind of dirty, like, oh my god. Yeah.

I just destroyed my whole integrity for $100, right? Well, that happened on the first night, right? I felt bad about it. On the second night, they come up to me exactly like 10 or 12. 12 p.m. And they go like, hey, we're going to use the golf cart. Can we use the golf cart? And I'm like, no.

No. The service for the golf cart is up until 5 p.m. And it goes again. It takes out his wallet and gives me a 50. And I'm like, oh, come on, man. Just take out the goddamn golf cart. Yeah. Also, your money is $100.

Yeah, first of all. Why'd you go down? You went down to 50. You're going to give a drunk people at night access to a golf cart, and you're only getting $50. And that's not the worst part. They actually lost the golf cart. I have to look for it.

Well, wait a minute. Now I feel like I got to go to Ohio and find these people. Yeah. That's a whole other thing. Yeah. What they don't tell you is that all the golf carts have the same key. So the golf cart got stolen and someone drove it and left it on the beach. Let me ask you a question.

David, were you blamed for any of this? Did your employer get angry with you? No, I hope they don't see this. Well, you don't work there anymore. Yeah, you're safe. Yeah, I don't work there. You're very far from Ohio. Yeah, but I really felt bad about that.

Yeah, those are the only two times I've got bright in my life, by the way. I just want to make that clear. Well, you want to go for a third? Yeah. We need to bribe him to do. Let's spitball. I don't know. Good question.

Eat those flowers. I'd want to see the money first from this guy. Yeah, exactly. So what are your passions in life, David? What do you really love? Okay. I love to play tennis. As a matter of fact, I tried to go pro when I was 16, but it was really complicated.

Yeah. I mean, I played with the best players here in Colombia and they destroyed me. So, well, I gave up on that dream really fast. That's okay. I mean, it's good that you found out then. I pursued professional football for way too long before I realized I was no good at it. Well into my late 30s. He just kept putting on the uniform.

Yeah, put on the uniform and videotaped myself in the uniform eating a bowl of oatmeal. And then I would send that around to all the top teams. And it never really got. No bites, huh? No bites. But eventually I had to learn. I had to learn. I also like movies.

I like TV shows, movies. And as a matter of fact, my brother started like cinematography. Is that a word? Yeah, that's it. So, he started that here in Colombia and he tried to look for a job in that thing, but he didn't find it. So, he had to travel. He left Colombia and now he's currently living in California.

Oh, well, yes. There's much more of that kind of work here in California. Yeah. So, yeah. So, he's trying to make movies over there. I don't know if you guys have heard about him. His name is James Cameron. He got me.

Hey, I'm going to pay you $100 to stop making jokes. He got me. No, that one got me. Yeah, his name is oil. The California part is real. I don't know what's real with you anymore. You're a shapeshifter. One minute, you're a city planner.

You're doing valuable work for the government, but then you're running the front desk at some cheesy motel in Ohio, taking bribes. You're all over the map. You're a tennis star, or are you? Who knows? I don't know who you are. Catch me if you can. Yeah, exactly.

And I also play the piano. Sure you do. I do concerts, by the way. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What's your favorite kind of music? Yeah. Well, I listen to everything.

I mean, I can listen to reggaeton, but I can also listen to heavy metal. Do metal. Yeah. Death metal. Oh. Oh, you like death metal? Well, that can arrange. What's your favorite?

What are your favorite bands? Your favorite death metal bands? Death metal bands. Well, I like, well, I wouldn't say Slipknot is a death metal band. Oh, Slipknot. They used to come on my show regularly. I like those guys. Really?

Yeah, yeah. They were terrific. They put on a great show. But they're just regular metal. They're not death metal. Yeah, they're like power metal. Yeah, trash metal. Death metal, Dr. Acula.

It's a death metal band. Oh, I see what they're doing there. Dr. Acula. Yeah. I see it. I'm just piecing it together now. Yeah. But I see what's happening.

Let me see their diploma. And their other band is Frank, Middle Initial N, Stein. N, Stein. Exactly. No, not really. That's Disney. Yeah, but I know. For the pedic surgeon, Frank N. Stein.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together. For orthopedic surgeon, Frank, Middle Initial N, Stein. Two, three, four. Death, death, die, die. Is that what you think death metal is? They just say death over and over again. Death and die? Pretty much death metal.

Death, die, die, die, die, death, death. Run, run, run, run. You're in a never ending hole. There is no nothing in the future. Blank this, blank this. Death, death, death. Do you have a new favorite death metal artist, Devin? Devin, come on.

That was pretty good. Oh, well, well, you have to go a little bit down. Can you affect my voice, Eduardo? Yeah, I want to try and do this. This is a new death metal band called Dr. Orthopedic Surgeon, Frank N. Stein. I can do it in post if you want. Yeah, we'll do it in post. We're going down now, right?

Yeah. Heavy metal, heavy metal, death, death, death, death, die, die, die, die. Run, run, run, run. Run, run, run. There is no light in the future. You're in your coffin and you're dead and you're dead and you're in your coffin dead. Yeah, that sounds amazing. That's it.

And that's a ballad. That was great. That's a acoustic ballad. Wow. So you like your death metal? Do you do mosh pits? Yeah. Like, do you go to concerts and do you do mosh pits?

Well, I used to. Not anymore, to be honest. I haven't been in a mosh pit in like 10 years. Yeah, they've changed. Yeah. His husband is big on mosh pits. Oh, okay. Well, yeah.

And so is Matt O'Brien. Matt O'Brien. Matt O'Brien. Matt O'Brien. Matt O'Brien. Matt O'Brien. Matt O'Brien. And so is Matt O'Brien.

Your head writer likes to mosh it up. Well, it's a nephew that I had to hire. Oh, okay. Yeah, well, you know, they, they, they like to mosh it up. Moshing. Apparently there's, you know, you're not supposed to, I don't think it's mosh, moshing. I think it's pitting. Oh.

I think there's like specific vernacular that goes with it. Okay, wow. Yeah. Well, David, I noticed that you wandered off. Oh, no, yeah. I was just trying to toss my computer. Can we bribe you to come back? No, it's a really good time to check on the electronics.

Exactly. These two. I'm sorry. We had a good thing on mosh pits and then suddenly we're talking about all these people they don't know. And wow. What an incredible thought sack. Anyway, I'm stuck in a hell of my own making, David.

Three days. I would love to be touring those dangerous areas with you. Yeah, that would be awesome. As a matter of fact, I have, I looked for four fun facts about Colombia and I have them right here. Oh, wow. One is that. Right here.

You have to look it up. Wow. Look at that. You live there. I just wanted to, I would just want to be completely sure about them. Oh. One is that Colombia is the most biodiverse country in the world. Wow.

That's exciting. I mean, there's always a struggle against Brazil. Who's the most biodiverse? I know, and I'm tired of that old feud. Yeah. I can't take it anymore for my money. No, when I travel, I always say, honey, is this place biodiverse? And, um, yeah.

What's next? How many species do they have? Yeah. The next one is like, uh, how they have, we have 4,000 species of four kids. I'll see. David. David. David, you're not helping Colombia right now.

That's also a sub fact of the last fact. That's, yeah. Well, yeah, that's true. That's true. Okay. What's the next one? There are more greater variety of otter. What's the third one, David?

It's a fun fact. What's number three and four? There's like 1500, uh, orchids that only can be found in Colombia. Yeah. Yeah. I've been looking. Okay. What's number three?

Uh, it's the country with the most precipitation per year. Wow. I've got to get there. There's orchids, biodiversity and constant rain. Constant rain. Uh, I can't wait for number four. Oh, number four is going to be, this number is going to be the one that seals the seal. Yeah.

Yeah, but yeah, uh, it's a beautiful country. It has beautiful beaches. Wait, what's number four? What's number four? Oh, wait. Even you got bored. Oh, wait. Hold on.

Hold on. The fourth one is, um, we have the most bird diversity in the world. Colombia! You're also the most diverse in your diversity. Yeah. But you don't have very much diversity in your fun facts. No. I'm all about that working one.

I'm sorry. I looked for them 10 minutes ago. No, it's okay. Sounds like. Well, you prepared more than most people do. Yeah. Look at that to you. I think you just lost your government job.

Well, David, you seem like a really nice guy. You really do. And, uh, I'm glad. Do you know us through the podcast? Is that how you know us? No, as a matter of fact, I, uh, I have been a huge fan since like your days in the Simpsons. Oh, wow. As a matter of fact.

Yeah. Exactly. And, uh, I was able to watch your show when I lived in Ohio. That was the first time I watched your show. And I've been following ever since in on YouTube. Oh, cool. Great. Well, I'm glad you're checking it out.

And that's the reason most people emigrate to America is to try and catch up on what I'm up to. That's the statistic that I don't want you to look into. That's just trust me on that. Yeah. And, uh, I, I love the remote. Oh, thanks. I always, yeah, I always thought about you coming here to Columbia and making a, like

a really great remote. What would the remote be about if I came to Columbia or kit searching, right? I know, um, what, what kind of things can you imagine? You're, you say you're familiar with my style of comedy and the kind of remotes I do. What do you think I'd be doing if I came to Columbia? Okay. First we would have to go to the beach beaches. I mean, they're beautiful.

And girls would love to see a six foot tall man, really white guy on the beach. I don't, I don't think that, I think that'd be amused. Uh, I don't, but I think that's the extent to which they would like it. They'll come rub your head. Yeah. Oh, true. Yeah. Oh yeah.

That's quite erotic. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm in the right age. Uh, we would go to Bogota. Yeah. We would try to go into a telenovela, which is really big here in Columbia. Cool.

Uh, we would go if it's possible to the Amazon. I mean, we have a big chunk of the Amazon and it's beautiful. Really bio diverse. Yes. So you and I would get, we get in a canoe and go down, uh, will we go down the river? The Amazon. Yeah, exactly. And see the, the, the pink dolphins.

We have pink dolphins, by the way. Oh, why? Yeah. What happened? What happened to them? I don't know. You know what? Someone was watching them and put a red t-shirt in there.

Oh, come on. That's what happened. That's how you get a pink, who put the red shirt in here? Well, listen, David, it's been very nice getting to chat with you. You seem like a nice young man. Uh, I think you're doing good work. Be careful in those dangerous spots. Look after yourself.

Um, and try to enjoy some of what Columbia has to offer. Uh, the orchids. I will. The pink dolphins, um, more types of orchids and then, uh, other orchids. The birds. The birds. The rain. Is it raining right now where you are?

Not really. It's really sunny. Yeah. It will rain very soon. Yeah. And then, um, this is off the charts. Exactly. Nice talking to you, David.

Really. And I hope our past. We'll have a good time. Yeah. As a matter of fact, I, one last thing that I want to say is that, um, my brother's getting married in California in March. 25. And I'm going to be over there. And, uh, I just wanted to shout out to my brother and Lauren.

Um, really happy for you guys. So that's sweet. That's nice. That's really nice. All right, well. You guys are you guys are invited to the wedding Where is it at? Yeah, where's the wedding get to me? It's an Oakland Okay, well anyway

Best of luck David And I hope you have a great time at the wedding. Hey, thank you very much. It was such a pleasure to meet you guys Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Matt goreley produced by me Matt goreley Executive produced by Adam sacks Joe Anasola tear off and Jeff Ross a team cocoa and Colin Anderson at ear wolf music by Jimmy Vivino Supervising producer Aaron Blair associate talent producer Jennifer samples associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm

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