Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Gary Gulman

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Comedian Gary Gulman feels ecstatic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Gary sits down with Conan to discuss his latest stand-up special Born on 3rd Base, growing up broke and Jewish, attending a live taping of Johnny Carson, and his new memoir Misfit: Growing Up Awkward in the ‘80s. Plus, Adam Sachs helps the chums tone down the obscenities during a State of the Podcast address.For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is Gary Goldman, and I feel ecstatic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. That's very sweet, and I feel like I wouldn't be that irritating. Oh, okay, now wait a minute. Now I have reservations. Hey there! Welcome to Conan O'Brien, Needs a Friend, joined by Son of M obsessedion. Hey, Son of Matt Gourley, how are you, sir? Mary Christmas. Well, I was gonna get to that.

Oh, yeah, you think I wouldn't get to that? I have to say, I do get the Christmas spirit. Do you? Yeah. Are you sick? What? No, I think it's North. I just saw this day quill thing.

Are you sick? Sorry. I thought it was because you had the Christmas spirit and you're like, you're a spruge. I mean, I got sick too after we got back from New York. Okay, that made no sense for our listeners. I'm sorry. This is what our listeners heard. I have the Christmas spirit.

Are you sick? That's what I heard. Yeah, that's what I heard too. And you just, yeah, I had a cold, like, I got a cold, like, about a week ago. I don't have it anymore, but I still take these. Okay. To just make my voice sound a little better on air. Yeah.

As a son of an infectious disease doctor, no. Easily 11 days after having a cold, I'm a threat to no one if that's your fear. I'm not, I'm not, I got sick too. That's why I was like, hey, we all got sick. Well, if you're sick, you shouldn't have come in. Okay. Merry Christmas, everyone.

It's literally Christmas day when people let's talk to this. What did I do? I wouldn't kill Christmas. I had a nice Christmas thing. And then I started to say, hey, you know, I have the Christmas spirit. You're sick.

You sick fuck. How dare you have the Christmas spirit? You pervert. You pervert. What does that mean to you? Did you watch some Christmas pervy porn? You sick well, I was on your side and now I'm wondering what did you what why do you have the Christmas spirit because of Christmas For the poor Mrs. Claus. No, stop don't do it. Don't do it This is where you're lying. She got a slam and bought and then there's a knock at the door and she thinks it's a no

But it's a pizza delivery And she's like I expected an elf I'm not at the door and she thinks it's an elephant. It's a pizza delivery. What are you doing? And she's like, I expected an L. But I forgot that I ordered a pizza. And he says, yeah, extra sausage. And she says, what? I don't like sausage. And he said, no, that's double and tonne for dick.

And she's like, no, I just don't like sausage. And he said, there's no sausage. Mrs. Claus, that's the thing you say. When you're about to take out the penis. Oh, well, just so we're clear, there's no sausage. This is the worst part. Where is Santa? Is he out on his mission?

Santa is so sick of Mrs. Claus, misunderstanding double in Tondra, that he just doesn't even have much of a life with her anymore. Okay, I see. Cause he's a whenever he's trying to be romantic, you know? Oh, man. Yeah. He's he'll like just say some, what some, some harmless double in tondra. Like check out this North Pole. Yeah, check out this North Pole. It's like we're at the North Pole. Why would I have to check it out? We live here. And he's like, no, no, I'm telling you, Sandra, that's Mrs. Claus' real name. Is it? No, no, no, Sandra'm telling you, Sandra, that's Mrs. Claus' real name.

Is it? No, no, no, Sandra. We haven't had sex in a while, and I thought maybe to spice things up, I'd say, check out this North Pole. But what do you mean? We're at the North. No, no, I meant my blood-engorged car.

Ah! That's all I'm trying to put some spice. But wait a minute, why did you say North? But because the pole is my literal anatomical pole oh god damn it Sandra I'm going back to the workshop I'm gonna go fuck a birdhouse Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, y'all. Savings and loan. God bless us, everyone. Oh my God. That gets people in the spirit right there. Now, now listen, I want to understand something because I know that is Christmas celebrated at a different time of year in the Armenian calendar? Yes, well, it's the Orthodox Christmas,

which is January 6th. Right, exactly. Don't ask me. Yeah, but what I would say, I don't know. Oh, okay. I just only know this because, you know, Sonia started working for me and I was,

I think was pretty nice. I'd give you a nice Christmas gift and I'd get nothing back. And she would say, yeah, I'll get you on Armenian Christmas. And I thought that for a while that was an excuse. Like, yeah,, I'll get you on Armenian Christmas. And I thought that for a while, that was an excuse. Like, yeah, maybe I'll get you something maybe I won't. But then it turned out you always did

give me really nice gifts just later on. It's better because you don't have to deal with the Christmas rush and then you have a lot of sales after deep-disk Christmas. Yeah, so it always worked out and it gave me more time to do things. But we celebrate both. Oh, you do both.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That always used to make me, I had friends who would celebrate Hanukkah, but also Christmas. And I thought, oh, come on. Well, as a children of divorce parents, I got two Christmases, which was a silver lining. Oh, you'll be okay. You seem to turn out just fine.

You're not a weird guy at all. Okay, good. You seem fine. I thought maybe I was No, no, no, no, no, no, they'll get back together. Yeah, sure they will get back together It's literally good for you. It's a good healthy reason why you spend a lot of your life working at an amusement park Joy artificially that you couldn't have The joy artificially that you couldn't have. Okay, don't worry about it. Listen. Help me. It's fine.

I'm sure you. Oh God, please tell me. My daughter worked there. Oh God. She's working there now. Oh God. Oh no, she's just a baby. Listen.

Yes. I, I'm, what are you doing? I'm just writing rap for when it's time to rap. I know, but you wrote it ahead of time. And also Christmas rap. Did you hear that? Did you hear him writing? I did hear the screw ball.

Yeah, when you, listen, I haven't been in this business long and you're Mr. Podcast and you wrote with a ballpoint pen on a hard surface and it sounds like a, that's because when you're Mr. Podcast, you're not Mr. Radio and all rules are out the window man. You're gonna leave that in. You're gonna edit it out.

No he's gonna keep it in because this is me busting him on you threw me off I am a sorry an artist. Oh God. And this is my medium. Oh okay. Now you threw me off. Oh okay. That's nice.

Was that your sleeping? I was snoring. Sorry. I started, I fell asleep while you were talking about being an artist. Yeah. No, I'm glad you're awake now because as an artist. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. And it will always make me laugh that the three stooges snore in unison like in synchronized ways. I don't know. It's just gold. It's just gold and anyone who disagrees should never judge comedy. Oh, sorry, Sona.

Well, I didn't I didn't say I didn't like it. Yeah, you didn't laugh. Well, you didn't laugh. You can laugh on Armenian Christmas. Well, okay. Oh, my God. So I like it too. What are your kids going gonna on the 25th

will Santa visit your kids? Yeah. Okay. But then he'll also show up on the Santa show up on the 6th. That's a really show up on Armenian figure. No, we say we go to church, but we don't. Is there an Armenian Santa? No. Like a equivalent? Like a garramp papa? Is it January 6th, three keens days, isn't that why? Don't ask me the specifics. Armenians celebrate asking a world this year. Yeah, Eduardo knows better than I do. Eduardo is married to an Armenian woman. Yeah, apparently one who cares about the religion and the heritage he does. Okay, but tell us, tell us what you know.

Well, January 6th is the, the little, well, in Spanish, the little, the little, three keens. That's when they bring gifts. Yes. The wise, it was that when Jesus really got his gold, frankincense and murder or something? Correct. Okay. Many kings. That's when they bring gifts. Yes. The wise it was that when Jesus really got his gold frankincense and mirror something? Correct. Okay. Many people say many conservative say that what happened on the Capitol in January Christmas that they wanted to gather and celebrate. And it's like, hey, let's go into the Capitol

and hey, the door's locked. Well, we can probably push it open. Wrap! Wrap! Let's push it open. Wrap it! January 6th was an Armenian hug. Wrap it up!

I hear those sleigh bells ringing in Jingjing. Let's go back to Disneyland. Nope, we're good. Hey, man, that was an insane opening. So stupid. Stupid, but also in its own way, really stupid. You are an artist. I am an artist.

My very excited about our guest today because he is an absolutely hilarious comedian. He's ingenious. I will say that. That's a good word for this man. He is ingenious. Who's the latest stand-up special born on third base is now streaming on Max. He also has a new memoir entitled, Miss Fit Growing Up Awkward in the 80s. He's a delight. He's a fascinating guy, brilliant. [♪ Music playing almost, you know, whatever, 30 years is Brian Kylie and Brian Kylie. I adore because he's the best joke writer I've ever known, one-liner joke writer and also a, just a great guy and a kind of most generous. Minus just, but right, but right, it's a deadly joke. Like he can just make an ice bullet of a joke and it's beautifully.

And I'll tell you, Brian Kylie has always raved about you. Oh, wow. Even before I really got to know you, Gary Goldman is, is, is such a good. And then I started watching your, we had you on the show. You did what became this viral sensation. You did this bit about how the states got their abbreviations. And what I remember is the architecture and the the thought that went into it. You're so goddamn smart. And and the intricacy of it. And just immediately thought, who is this guy? This guy's fantastic. And then of course, I keep checking your clip from your appearance on your show where you did this.

Millions and millions and millions of people keep seeing that. That's really cool. And keep going back to it. And it's, it makes me very happy that so many people now have have joined the cult. Because it is a cult of Gary Gollum. And you have no questions allowed. No, no, no, no questions allowed. And you have certain, yes. And you have certain rights with the other women in the cult. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, he does? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Because he wears the red robe and everyone else wears the blue robe. Oh, come on. This is called 101. Sorry, okay, sorry, sorry. I'm interested. Oh, you're in, buddy.

You and I have a bunch of things to talk about. First of all, I want to compliment you in another way, which is you have a standup special which has dropped literally like two days ago, I think. Um, okay, now everyone's correcting me with four. Oh, great, because we would have had a lot of calls. Why did you have to, why did you guys have to correct me on that? Because you're looking at us like, am I right?

Yeah. Yeah, just say, yeah, sure. Okay, yes. Close enough idiot. That's all I need. You were wrong. It's just wrong with a soft tea. Don't do it here now.

It's not wrong. Don't do it here now. Don't not wrong. Don't do it here now. Don't do it in front of Gary, please. Okay. Don't you mean Jerry? Yeah. Born on third base is your stand up special and it's hilarious. Now full disclosure, I'm such a fan that I had some involvement with my people in helping

to bring this to reality. But I'm I'm saying this as someone who hates himself. I'll come up. I'd be more than happy to shit on it if I could. It's really, really funny and beautifully done. Thank you. It's really nice. And so I'm I'm congratulations. Well, I had a lot of fun touring it and that people liked it. And I and I shot it in Toronto, where they're just so nice and really love comedy

and some, oh my God, can't I? Very grateful. Toronto. Oh my gosh. That's where my ghost is gonna go when it roams the earth doing bits. It's gonna go up to Toronto because they're paste and they're so nice.

They're really smart and they laugh and they're fun. Yeah. And what's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that? No, I just, what a weird thing to say. I don't want to go up. Then your ghost is going to go to Toronto and you're just going to do bits?

Yeah, I don't want to go to heaven. That sounds boring. Okay, okay. You just want to talk in this period. I don't want to go talk to Eleanor Roosevelt on a cloud. I want to go up to Toronto and do bits and then go to a cool restaurant afterwards. But what heaven by definition be a bunch of people who love your bits?

Yeah. No, I don't like that. Okay. That seems patronizing. I wouldn't like that. But you think I'm sorry, just going back to this. You think you're going to go to Toronto, you're going to appear as a ghost and people are just going to be like, let's see what bits he is.

Yes. What's the, Gary, if you were in Toronto and you knew that I had passed away in the last year or two and you heard that my ghost was in Toronto and he was doing bits somewhere, wouldn't you check him out? I would check him out

and then I would also spend a lot of time seeing Rush. Yeah. I hear that. But now in this scenario, they're dead too. But they're also playing. No, no, this is my idea of heaven. Russia's touring and Tony is doing stand-up

associated with it. Yeah, yeah. And we're also spending time breaking down some of the licks, the guitar licks, and things like that. And also the drum solos. This man gets me. OK, yeah. No, it makes sense. Gary, you are a fellow

Massachusetts, Massho like myself. You're from Peabody. Yes. And you know, you talk about this a lot in your special and you've touched on it before, but it really doesn't form a lot of your comments, which is I think quite beautiful, but you grew up poor. You grew up, there's no other way to say. Yeah, we were broke. Yeah, we were broke Jewish people, which people think, oh, that's a thing. And, but most of us, especially in that time of, in the 70s, a lot of people were broke. So, yeah, so a lot of half the Jews would be broke too, right? Everybody's, yeah, so, and that was,

that informed me, it also, it developed my personality in terms of my resentment towards certain kids growing up who had more than us and it didn't have to be much. It could be an above ground pool. And I would be like, oh, look at the, look at the opulence. With the people, they don't know what it is to struggle. And Christmas used to just

blow me away. These kids which just get so much for Christmas right right and I would get a thing eight nights of a thing but some of them were practical which you don't want for holidays like what we'll give you an example of a practical Hanukkah gift. I remember I everybody socks, but I would get pajamas, which I very rarely wore. It was either freezing cold in my house, which required an electric blanket, which I can't even believe those things were legal at the time. They were just fire starters, but also it could be.

Oh, they all, and also it could be electric. I just know this, I just know this in Massachusetts, but every time a house burned down. Yes. In the 50s, 60s or 70s, it was the, see, firemen walking away afterwards, because I'd hang out at these things. And then I was, as a true arsonist does. Yes.

But they'd always be like shaking their heads going. And you'd always read in the paper that it was an electric blanket, an electric blanket, or there would be a fire chief holding up a melted light bright. Yes. Yes. And it would be, hopefully it would be the clown because the clown face would melt into a frown. Yeah.

Because he was, he was upset by this as well. Yeah. Sure. Not just the fire chief. But yeah, those were, those were the two biggest fire causes. Because look at the wrong. And if you took mid 20th century knowledge of electrical wiring and and ran it through a bunch of cotton and nylon.

Like what could go wrong? Yeah. And then you go to sleep and just crack and crank this thing. Yeah. So people were just burst into flames. Yeah. Yeah. So you grow up in Peabody and and what interesting is you said that it's, it gave you

a completely different perspective than a lot of kids have when you grew up not having, you grew up not having stuff. And so that you knew just by rote what things cost. Oh yes, yes. And you had that all down, which you said, when you don't have money, you know all of this stuff. Yes. Yes. That's what always irritated me. I remember I had this neighbor who went to a to a summer camp. And I was interested in it because he came back with it. And this is a phenomenon of Jewish summer camps where these kids who were who were the kind of average athletics and attractiveness would go to summer camp and they would walk taller when they returned because they they had called all the Gentile

kids from the group. So it was just the Jews were standing out and the only choice the girls had or the boys had were other Jewish people. So that there was this thing and they would be so confident and they because they had made out with a girl over the over the summer Where they weren't getting any make-out sessions and in in junior high or or celebrate or anything and then they would come back in the fall And they had more confidence and I envy this and I remember asking they could well how much does this thing cost? He said I don't know. Oh, I would I know how much things cost I said oh

You would ask for something and your parents would tell you no we, we can't afford it. And then they would tell you how much everything costs. Yeah. So you do have that much everything. I remember I wanted this robot called the 2XL, which was really just an eight-track player that they had somehow, it was a brilliant thing where it would ask you questions and it was a trivia thing and you got informed and it was $54.87 in in Toys of Russ. My mom worked at the mall and she couldn't afford a babysitter so I would at nine years old walk around the mall for three hours while she worked. And then when the boss left I could go in there and hang out at the stationary store.

But I would walk around and hang around at Toys of Russ and it seers you could play the Atari for a while. And then the orange Julius kids would give me free Giulia. I love that you did the plural of Julius. That makes me so happy. This sounds like heaven. It was, it was incredible. I would have fried octopi with your Julie I. So I was like the mall mascot basically.

And I would hang out at the Toys of Russ and there was this robot called XXL and I knew it was 5487 and I would every year I would ask for it. And then I would also would ask people if I could borrow $54.87. Which is so specific. But I hadn't worked out the fact that it would probably be 5% tax. And also the parents would always say $55, but kids would always know that there was

$54.87. Sure. I was a big kid thing. So I think- Did you ever get it? I did get it. My mom, there was a neighbor who got it and I'll grew it

Several years later and my mom bought it used from from them and gave it to me for my birthday And it worked 100% the just the box was damaged Because it's been open I remember Christmas as being perilous meaning You something great could happen, but also, if you're one of six, you can get lost in the shut, like, yeah. And Santa is busy because he's working at the microbiology lab. And sometimes Santa has a short fuse. And anyway, I remember once we had this tradition where we're asleep and Santa would put the gifts

they weren't wrapped, but they would just each one, each one of the kids in the family had a, has a piece of furniture in the living room. This one my parents still live mind you. Wow. In Brooklyn, Mass. And there's a different piece of furniture and Luke's toys would go on a chair. in the living room. This room my parents still live, mind you, in Brooklyn mass. And there's a different piece of furniture and Luke's toys would go on a chair. And most people had a chair and then mind

just arbitrarily became, there's this long white couch. Now think about it. Everything looks tiny and insignificant on a long white couch. And San is busy and there's a lot to do so there were years where San is like, okay, I got Neil covered, I got Luke, I got Jane, I got Justin, we get, and then he's down there and he's throwing stuff around. He's like, I got to get back to the lab. I think that germ got out.

And then, you know, I've been working on something called COVID. I hope it's, but anyway, that was my dad anyway. And so he would be, there was one Christmas where I think he was throwing everything around and then he got to the giant white couch and there was some socks and there wasn't much. So never forget that that was the year he got a toboggan like for everyone to share. But I come running downstairs and I see this giant

toboggan filling out the couch and I'm like, I got a toboggan. This is insane. I'm like, I forget my dad went, ah, interesting. Santa told me on his way out that it's actually for everyone. And I went, huh? But it's like the one thing that's on my couch. And you went, as Santa said, you kind of get to be in charge of it,

but it's for everyone. And I'm like, first of all, you're having a legal conversation with Santa about ownership. And then how are you in charge of a toboggan? I get to decide who sits where. But that's, hey, I got over it. I'm 60 and bitching about it on a podcast. That track was the socialism of 1970s Massachusetts.

Oh my god. And I still to this day when I go home and that white couch is still there. Oh really? And I'll still look at it and I'll be like, fucking toboggan. It was a toboggan and then like some post-its and some socks. Oh my god.

And an electric blanket and then like some post-its and some socks An electric blanket and then Anyway enough about me. I'm just saying we all suffer I remember one year I did get a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons books and you talk about this. Yeah, you talk about this in the special. Yeah, I could books, but unfortunately it came with all these dice and maps and everything like that, but it didn't come with any, any friends. And that is the greatest oversight of the, of the TSR company was that, yeah, kids who are into this stuff are lonely.

Yes. Yeah. The other thing that says, your word choice is always so good as a comic. And in the special, you said, I think you said, no one could foresee this. I think you said something like that, but it didn't come with friends. Yeah. You've talked about, I can kind of relate to this, you have kind of an OCD about honesty.

And I had this two growing up, which is, it was very important to my mom that we all be thought of well. One of the things I remember is, we'd all be gathered around Christmas Thanksgiving and we have company over, or any time company was coming and we got to sit in the in the dining room and

people were sitting around and should say, now of course we always say grace. And I'd say we only do this when companies here. And she would say that's not true. Oh, that's so good. But I mean, I just couldn't not. Yeah, the dishonesty part of it is I grew up always feeling God was watching me all the time just because of the, the, I just took everything everybody told me seriously so that I would act up in the house. I would stub my toe on, on the corner of a, of a

counter. That doesn't make sense. Not a counter, a, a cabinet and, and my mother would say, see God punished you. And I was like, oh my gosh, instead of thinking, gosh, what a prick. I would think, oh, I better not act up. I used to think, I used to think doesn't God have other things to do. Hey, Goldman just got out of line. I'm giving the old Stubbaroo. Hey, what about that tsunami that just wiped out

3,000 people in Indonesia? Oh, I was dealing with Goldman. And then I went to a Hebrew school. I don't know if you went to Catholic. I went to Hebrew school. I was immediately asked to leave. Now, I went to Catholic instruction actually with Brian Kylie. Oh, that's so interesting. So I would go to Hebrew school and they would say, well, this is a San adultery and coveting being jealous and bearing false witness. And are there any others?

Yes, leaving the finger paints out, is that also a same that God was smite before, but playing with clay without permission? That's another one that God punished me for. Yeah, it was just the thing is I was learning in Hebrew school. We're not matching up with the little I had learned at home. Is there a my correct that there's probably really not much difference between if you're a kid Hebrew instruction and if you're a kid Catholic instruction, meaning they're both leaning on guilt, beware, watch out someone's watching.

Yes, because that was my experience. And then the few times that, well, actually, I grew up in Brookline. More of my friends were Jewish than were Irish Catholic. And I would sense that, wait a minute, this is supposed to be a completely alien religion. Yes. This is all sound and pretty familiar to me. I went to a Catholic college. I went to Boston College and I befriended some Jesuit priests and they would say yeah there's a lot of intersection in our literature, not so much the words as much as the ideas and the where the stresses

are, which is on a very angry judgmental God. But as a lot of fathers do when they have a son-late in life, they mellow. And that's where I see Protestantism. It's sort of a mellow or god not as likely to smite after having Jesus. The Protestants have a, it's a god that's like wearing loafers and dockers and he's speed homes. Yeah, it's peat homes. It's peat homes is God as opposed to like Bill Burr is the Catholic God. I like I like figuring out religion just using stand up. Oh my gosh, specifically

specifically northeastern standups. You know what I mean? So I'm now I'm trying to figure out who would be the Jewish comedian, God, it wouldn't be crystal, it wouldn't be a rock. No, too light. He would have Fibre's Finkel's voice. Louis Black, I just got it, it's Louis Black, because he'd be saying things like, do I get this straight?

Let me understand something. You, a post office wants me to spend money on a stamp, and then I spend money on the stamp. You know, that kind of thing. That's good. Then I used to do the morons and the sawdermites having blow jobs. Yeah.

You know what I used to do. I used to do a Lewis. I like Lewis Black, but I used to do a Lewis Black impression where he's getting, because his whole thing was getting worked up over something that's kind of small. And I used to do a Lewis Black impression about things where it's where he's worked up about something you should be worked up about. So I'd be like, have you heard about this thing called chicknapping? Someone takes a child.

They take a child. They take, they take a child who is the only son or daughter of these loving parents and they take them away and they say you'll only see them alive again. If we get money. And he would really make me laugh, because I'd be like, uh-huh. Yeah. Just him getting mad about stuff he should get mad about. Kylie used to always tell me he would say, you have no idea how funny the meetings are in Conan's office. And initially I was skeptical. I thought, you said, Conan's not that funny. Okay, no. I said, yeah, everybody's going to laugh at their boss, right?

And then I started listening to the podcast, but also you tell me the stories, that the bits you would do, which was one of my favorites was the dirty Brian Kylie. The Kylie, yeah. I would do Brian Kylie at the Apollo. Now Brian Kylie, again, as you know, tells really clean jokes.

And he wears the creased chinos and a blue and schmaltz list. But nothing on it, the jokes are just, I mean, I'm just perfect. You could read them. The beautiful, but also his character. Perfect, Josh Banner. But Kylie and his stand up there, and he's very Catholic. And he tells, he's wonderful jokes.

And he always is doing this with his hands. He doesn't move his body really at all when he's wonderful jokes. And he always is doing this with his hands. He doesn't move his body really, at all when he's up on stage. And so I started doing Kylie at the Apollo where he's up there and he's like, hi everybody, good to see you. I'm Brian Kylie. Another day I'm going down on this,

going down on this bitch. And I'm, so I'm meeting, I'm eating her out. And then, and he's still the same manner as him. And then I, I work my way down to her asshole. And I start, start looking at her asshole. Oh God. And then I'm like, bitch, you've got to wash your eggs. And he's killing murdering.

But then he goes backstage, kills. And he goes, well, that's my time. Thank you. And then he goes backstage. And I would always have him sit in a little iron chair and read a Truman biography quietly. Yes. And then someone would come and go, get out there again.

They want more of you. And be like, oh, OK. And he closed it and he'd go back out there and he'd go, the other day, I'm whipping this guy with a, like whatever, it's just, it's weird to hear you even talk like that. I know, I know. But the thing is when I'm channeling Kylie, the whole rule was none of this helps the show.

None of this can be on the show. None of it can help the show It's just funnier because I know who Brian Kylie is and I I hope people go and like look at his comedy online Go look at Brian Kylie. Yeah, how much of a just how different it is that what you're saying I took a shit I hate all of this what I mean it, I love it, but imagine it, Kylie, do it. It's just, it's crazy. Because he is the most, I think he might be the most straight lace person I've ever met in my life.

Yeah. And just now I have the mental image of him. Also, you know what I was doing? I'd always add him driving home in a very small sensible square car and then going home and pulling the blanket up to his chin to go to sleep. And then the phone rings with a nightcap with a nightcap. And then the phone rings and it's the club going there screaming for it. It won't nor. And so he gets out, puts on his blazer, gets back in his little car, goes back there and then goes out and becomes this other person. Yeah, I picture him with a pipe carousel. Yeah. And the other thing is that he's the person who reads the most long books like Robert

Carro, those LBJ books, not a V person, one of VP. Yeah. He and I have that same reflection. Oh, I didn't notice that. I was going to add that was one of the questions. No, we both did that. Did you like that Robert Carro documentary? Have you seen that?

I'm in it. Oh yes, you fucker. I'm sorry. I got confused because you were also in the, you thought that was Dennis Leary going on and on about Carro? I'm in documentaries I shouldn't be in about like sex trafficking and Sweden. And they just incognomized with you should be in that one. Well, I was cleared. I took notes today on things I should bring up.

The fact that Rupert Monarch Murdoch gave us two of the most important comedy things in the in history, like the same summer Simpsons and Get a Life. I was like, this man has done really nothing for the world. But then, you think all these two really important things that brought so much joy and helped me get through all these things that he caused. And you should just for a second, because they're gonna be people listening

or young people that don't know what Get a Life is. Oh yeah. He had this show that was short lived, of course, because it was so good and so it's time, but it was on, maybe 30 episodes on Fox called Get a Life. And he played Chris Peterson. Yes. It was a 30 year old paper boy who lived at home with his parents.

Yeah. But was arrogant. Yes. Ericant. A little bit nuts believed in themselves got laid all the time. Was it was very forward with women? Well, then also it got very and so beautifully written in like olden Kirkland or early Kaufman. Yeah, yeah. And then as the series later on, they started having him die at the end of every episode.

But then not explaining why he was back. Yes. And I just always remember as a comedy fan when when when people do that. Yeah. I'm I'm just yay. Thank you. Oh yeah, I'm the person. They're not trying to. His dad played his dad, but unlike every other dad and a sitcom, his dad hated him. I was rooting for his demise and yeah, it was incredible. There's a couple of things that I want to make sure I talk to you about.

Your obsession with comedy or your interest in comedy goes way back to when you were a kid and you got to do something that I dreamed of doing but never got to do, which is you got to go to a live taping of Johnny Carson's tonight show. Oh, yeah. And that's something I never experienced. Can you tell me what that was like? Yes.

I was 13. I just been bar mitzvah. And my brother Max had gone to spring break and been bumped three times. And back then in the 19 from the from the audience from the no, I'm sorry. That made it sound like my brother Max was a guest on on the night show with Carson. No, he'd been bumped by the air.

I see. Okay. Flying on spring break. And and so he had gotten these these tickets. They were they I don't know if they were round trip, but they afforded my mother and I to go to Los Angeles. My brother couldn't use them because he was starting a job in Florida. So he gave them to us. We used them to go to Los Angeles, stayed with my cousin, Della. We waited in line and got tickets to get into the, but I was 13. You had to be 16 to get into a live taping,

but I was already 5'11", or almost six feet. And so my mother said he's 16. And then I got in and I said, oh my God, we made it. And then an usher said, excuse me, how old are you? And my mother got right in her face and she said, do you think I would take a child into something as important as the tonight show with Johnny Carson and my mother? I mean, the lying God bless her.

That's what she really got. I want your job. The great if she got her, got that kid fired. And really underlined. She was so convincing. I felt like I was 16. I had just turned 13. And anyhow, it couldn't have been a better, first of all, Johnny did the monologue and he screwed up one of the lines and retook it.

And then when they went to break, he said, I really blew their shit out of that joke. And I said, Oh my gosh, he swore. And you couldn't, you didn't hear Johnny Carson. And I know what I talked to Robert Smigel told me that he went to a taping of Johnny Carson and Johnny Carson when he knew it wouldn't, because it was pre-taped, said shit in front of the crowd and they went wild. Back then, the idea of someone that you knew on TV that inemantly saying the word shit was impossible.

And so that must have been electrifying. It was electrifying. And then the guest was Gary Fisher and Gary Shannon. Oh my God. Yeah. So Princess Leia at her lay at Ist. And then this and Gary at his shandling is. Oh my gosh.

And then this comedian who I only knew from the tonight show. And he was so funny. And then he did this bit with, it wasn't a bit, I guess, but it came off as a bit with Carrie Fisher, where he says, I know your parents, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher. Do you know my parents, Irv and Muriel Shanling? And I was in love.

I was like, yeah. He was this guy who's Jewish, neurotic, and miserable, yet he's flirting with Carrie Fisher. And that was the thing that I always found so interesting about comedians. They really had nothing to speak of in terms of being attractive to women, but all this confidence in it. And it just really captured me in a very, very young age.

I was like, that is the only way I'm ever going to get married, is if I'm super funny, like, shanling or somebody like that. All kids throughout history take an inventory early on. When I found out that I could make people laugh thinking, all right, I've got this, I'm going to develop the fuck I am. Yes, I'm gonna. Yes. Mostly being interested in, I want that girl to like me.

And then the big barrier is she's laughing really hard, but I see her going to the dance with that other guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has no comedy, but he has a developed body. Yeah. Oh. Who needs that? Yeah. comedy, but he has a developed body. Who needs that? My shallow chest should be enough for anyone.

My wasted legs. What's wrong with these? My 19th century cough, the little bits of pink, pink foam from dissolving long Dad took care of everyone but me A brilliant scientist who never noticed that I was dying of consumption You were the control experience. I was a control experiment. I think consumption is my favorite old timing disease because a lot of people will go tuberculosis but the people who are familiar go consumption.

Consumption. Also. What? It's true. You and I speak the exact same language. I like that people used to have stuff called the flux. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they'd call you a lunger.

If you had a lunger, if you had a lunger, if you had a presumption, they'd call you a lunger. If you had a lunger, if you had a lunger, if you had a personal lunger. Yeah. But also, I love that when you got sick back, then they would apply a poultice. They would apply a mustard poultice to your chest, which basically means, you know, just covering your chest with mustard.

Vick's vapor, oh, yeah, exactly. But they did it for me. Like someone might get shot in the head. I believe when Lincoln was dying of a bullet the size of an Oreo cookie in his brain. They were like, apply a poultice. A mustard poultice will save the president. Did it work? Kind of.

Because when he died, he smelled like a hot dog. And people weren't quite as sad. I'm sure there were other poltices. There was the mustard. I always say about mustard. The remalade. The poltices. The top of nod.

That way he doesn't pull through, but we have a dip. We have a dip and sauce. No, after after Lincoln died, everyone sat around and they were very sad. And Stuart, Stuart said, now he belongs to the ages. And then somehow someone produced a bag of tortilla chips. And they just started dipping into his, this stuff, mm, salsa. Say I'll just start crunching. Mary Lincoln comes in, what are you doing? Well, he can't let this go to waste.

The coffin is in here yet. I wanna make sure I mention your book too. You think busy. You have a new memoir. I didn't want to be a snorer, which is a Yiddish term meaning like, I learned that word from. You think busy. You have a new memoir. I didn't want to be a snorer, which is a Yiddish term. I mean, like, I learned that word from Raucho Marx. Okay.

Yeah, he used to sing a song about being, I'm not a snorer, which I think was, yeah, my, a Captain's Balding, I think has the word snorer in it. My name is Captain, Captain's Balding, the African explorer. I'm not done. I'm no snorer. I ran, ran, ran. And I remember it as a kid, as being a huge fan of the Marks Brothers, you think, and snore, what snorer? And then someone explained it to me. Oh, that's a great

feeling for a Yiddish. Well, a Jewish person who knows some Yiddish to explain it to somebody because when you show interest, we get very excited. Yeah. Um, so misfit growing up awkward in the 80s is your memoir. Yes. And was this cathartic for you? Because you've famously, you've talked about it a lot. And I think, you know, people say I would spray. And I think it's like, well, it's great

that you talk about your struggles with mental health. And I applaud that, but it's that you do it so with so much empathy. And you do it so intelligently. And you're funny about it. Oh, thanks. And I think that is a man that's a bomb. That's worth all the prosack in the world, you know?

I mean, it was something that I aspired to over the years to finally get to a point where I was far enough away from it, and also that it was sort of a success story of, I overcame this because in the midst of it, I wasn't able to write about it and also my brain wasn't working well enough and I didn't have enough confidence, but I was so elated and grateful to be on the other side of my depression, which I received an ECT about four months before I did that, that abbreviation, the states thing. And really? Yeah. And so I see tea, just the

electric convulsive therapy in, in, I was inpatient in wild Cornell hospital, at New York Presbyterian in Manhattan. And then, and you said, one of the patients actually recognized me from, from TV. And, and yeah, yeah he said am I crazy? You get Harry Goldman which is just I mean you can write a whole tire act apparently both. Yeah. You are crazy but I'm getting that from context. Yeah yeah exactly but I am but it's not because you think I'm Gary Goldman although I I would say maybe shoot higher for who you're imagining. You can imagine anybody. Yeah, so many people to aim for.

Yeah, so, or yeah. And so anyhow, I was so grateful and I wanted to tell the story because I wanted to share that there's hope because that was one thing my doctor and my wife never gave up on me but I gave up on myself many, many times. I kept going through the motions and trying new medicine and treatments and an ECT finally was the thing that worked in the hospitalization and it,

and it got me to a level that I had never experienced in my life. I had spent my entire life sort of working at 70, 75%, and sometimes 80%, if I could get some momentum, and then it had kind of a cycle where I would be productive for nine months, and then I would fall apart and have to start all over again. So it was very frustrating.

But since I have been, I guess I would say in remission, that was probably October of 2017, I've had the most joy and experience life in a way without the heaviness and the fatigue that accompanied a lot of my depressive episodes. So I'm so grateful. So I was happy to share this story so that it would give some people hope because what I didn't realize is that people thought,

I used to think when somebody famous would either commit suicide or come out about being depressed, I would say, well, why would that person be depressed? And I didn't realize that I could be that for some people that some people would say, oh, if he can get depressed, then it's not, it's not a matter of accomplishing something. It's a matter of chemistry. And that's the thing that's very hard for people to understand because the same thing you're trying to work with is telling you This isn't chemistry. It's you you're you're lazy. You're dumb. You're untalented

So it was important that I was able to get that story out the same thing when I was a kid or even well into my teens and 20s when I would Hear about a brilliant author or just a performer. I loved her anyone Getting really depressed and I think, but I don't understand. Elvis? Yeah, why would Elvis be depressed? Why would anyone who has that be depressed and then as you go through life, you realize that material things, success or getting recognized, it's nice, but it is really true that it doesn't

have anything to do with your brain chemistry. And sometimes it can exacerbate it and make it feel worse. Like, oh my God, I have this. And I'm supposed to be the thing that made me feel good about myself. Yeah. So many people get into comedy or get into this business because they think once I get that and everyone knows who I am and I'm driving a car, it looks like that, then all my problems will be over.

And when it doesn't happen, rage, painful, rage, yeah. I'm talking about myself. Mage mostly that the car isn't nicer. Oh, wow. Okay. Come on. Testless nice, but I want to Bugatti. I never got one. And that fucking slid. Sprolled out, but it's not mine. Did the car have a name? Yeah, exactly. When I die, I'm just going say, to Bob. I'll be like, all these reporters will be scattered.

Yeah. To Bob. Yeah, whatever. Glide right. Oh. Oh. Um, you are, uh, well, I'll just say it again. Pleasure to know you.

I really admire it. I really feel the same way. You've brought me so much joy. I really admire you because, uh admire you. I really admire you. I really admire you because you're such a highly intelligent and empathetic comedian and you do such beautiful work. You've been through a lot, which makes me sad, but also you've come through the other side. And you're very honest about it. I think it's going to help a lot of people.

But mostly, if I didn't know any of this, I just, I watched these specials, I watched your comedy every time I've seen you perform, I think, man, that guy is so gifted. He thinks so differently than everyone else. And he's so, everything is so crafted and beautifully done. The work that goes into it. So thank you. Oh, man. What you do is, as I ever say, amitsfa.

I'm pinching myself because that means so much to me, but also, and this was one of the things I wanted to mention, just the exposure you gave me on that show all those times was, I mean, it changed my life, and it gave me a touring career. So I'm so grateful for what you've brought to me, even before I was on the show, just the joy in knowing that, oh, there are other people who find this funny, and I thought it was right. Well we found each other. Yeah and now we're too gangling to press guys from Massachusetts who know each other. We love to read. We love to read.

Yeah. Yeah. They're running off. Hey Gary. God bless. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. just said stay at the podcast one more time, but I agree. I think we should take stock. How are we doing? And I think also self-criticism is very valuable. It's good for us to really kick the tires on this thing and make sure that we're living up to people's expectations. How do we proceed?

Well, as we always do, we bring in Adam Sacks. He runs this place, he makes it happen, he makes it work, he does the dance, that keeps the floor thumping. Yeah. So Adam, awful. Where are we? Awful monologue.

Wasn't. Yeah. So, stay to the podcast. I brought some notes to the name. We are five years in. It's five years now. November 19th, 2018 was our first episode, the release of our first episode, the whole ferry.

So we are five years in, over 400 episodes. Wow. Are we over 400 episodes. Wow. Are we over 400 episodes? I believe that's right. If we count the fan episodes and our... Which we do, sure. Which we do, sure.

Yeah, so over 400 episodes. And we're actually seeing growth still, which is pretty amazing. Still seeing growth. Yes. So people have been listening to this and more people are still showing up. More people are showing up. And because the catalog is so evergreen, you know, the episodes that we recorded five years ago still are still showing up. More people are showing up. And because the catalog is so evergreen, the episodes that we recorded five years ago

still are still hold up, people show up, and then they go back and they listen to the back catalog. So on a given month, we get 40% of our listens happening on old episodes. People are telling friends, but in a good way. Yeah, in a good way. That's my first experience with that in show business. My previous career was you got to check this guy out.

They warning people. Yeah, so that you don't accidentally stumble on him. He needs to know. No, but that's, I mean, all kidding aside, that's very exciting. I will say that we made this decision to try and, and it's also just naturally the kind of comedy I like, but we're not always talking about the days of ends.

And in fact, anytime a guest starts to say, isn't it funny that today in the news, I reach over the table and slap them. Yeah. There's also we're still getting like crazy, amazing guests that are coming on for the first time. Even recently, we've had Arnold Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford, Steve Martin, Sir Paul McCartney, Kelly Clarkson. He was great Schwarzenegger.

We didn't even invite him. And we tried to keep him out of the building. He was like, I'm coming in. You're the same. And we remember, and I said, no, no. We're here. We're talking to Ted Dansley. He's like, no.

He's gonna be me. And he smashed his way through. Yeah. Sorry, did you need more for me? No, you're giving me what you always give me. You know, I just have so much to add to this. Well, another. Okay, so the other thing I want to bring up,

which is interesting is the industry has evolved. If we look back five years, if you think about the advertisers we had at the beginning, it was mostly what are called direct response advertisers, DR advertisers, where oftentimes they're like digital advertisers, you know, fracture prints was a good example. Remember the backstracture? Oh, I missed fracture. Yes, and they have an offer code, right? Offer code Conan, or you just go to this specific URL

and that's how they know if the ad is working. That's attribution. So we've grown out of that now. We still have plenty of them, but we've gotten into more brands, big brands, and that's, I think. Listen, I like that things are moving in the right direction, but sometimes you're the victim of your success. And I will say I miss, I mean, fracture. That was a great company.

Do they still exist? Yes, no, no, they do. But you know, for Conan's 60th birthday, I got him a fracture print. Oh, thank you. Can we just edit that so it's 40th? And anyway, We're at the same age.

Yeah. But you know, it's, you know, it's, thank you. No, it's, it's fun being, well, I guess I'm 41 now. There's a thing that can happen sometimes in life where yes, you've had good fortune, but you miss that old little apartment you still live in. Remember where the shower didn't quite work, but boy, did we have good times in that old little,

and that's how I think of the fracture print ads. Well, it's funny you say that because the brand, so now we have a lot of brand advertisers. We have, you know, Miller, White, Chevy, these big brands that don't have, by the way, those are terrific products. They're fantastic. But brand advertisers, so director response advertisers don't necessarily, they're not that sensitive about the content that they're advertising on.

They just, for the most part, care that the ad works. They want the ROI, the return on the investment. So, do you ever speak normally? I'm getting somewhere. So it's like in the bedroom. But brand advertisers really care about associating with talent, right? And so they do what they have been doing more and more as brand safety analysis. And I actually brought some brand safety analysis for what your brand needs.

You're a funer to holiday party. Here's my question, though, because he was on television for like 20 years before the podcast. That brand wasn't enough. Well, that's the question. Yeah, so you can see how we rank here. Thanks, Tony. Oh, this is funny.

OK. All right, so this is, I think this is mostly, I'm the one. What is this now? Why would you take a second and explain what this is? This is our brand safety analysis that's done. I think primarily by AI and transcription. So transcription is done on the podcast and then some algorithm decides how brand safe the show is.

This is real. This is real. These are real ratings on the show. And so brand advertisers, when they're deciding whether they want to advertise on a specific podcast, we'll look at these ratings and decide if the show is safe for them to be associated with. Okay. All right. So medium, adult sexual explicit content. That seems low. Is that seems very low? It's only a four. Dixon stuff. Oh, down here, obscenity and profanity. It's in the red for 83% and 71% high risk.

Yeah. So we're killing it with obscenity and profanity. Yeah. Maybe this is just all our clinical talk. Whenever we say, you know what? I don't like hate speech. Hate speech. Hate speech.

Seven percent. That's you. Acts of aggression. That's you. Oh, I don't like it. There's no hate speech here, but there is me routinely trying to take a swat at something. You're also crime and violence because you say the word murder on a regular basis. That's right. Yeah. I love murder and high risk.

Wait a minute. Military conflict. Do you want to just run down what the sheet says to give us kind of an overview of the adult and explicit content 4% alcohol 2% these are risks high risk zero. Presuitability. Crime and violence 12% Wow. Death or injury 3%. No, it's a little remember one time we did a segment about robbing a bank in what would our masks be so yes things like that.

Okay. Okay. Death or injury 3% epidemic 3% hate speech and acts of aggression 7% a little high for me. Illegal drugs, one percent. We don't really talk about drugs a lot. Yeah, we do. We do. But those aren't illegal. They're not illegal. Everything you do is legal. Yeah, that's true. Uh, obscenity and profanity, 83%. Jesus Christ. That's a high number. Tobacco, e-cigarettes vaping 0%.

Well, now it's gonna be in there, though. Does it, will it factor this? Oh, yeah, now it's gonna be in there. Now we're at one percent. Look at this. This is a category, violation of human rights. Oh, that's just us working for you. Yeah, that's, that's you.

It's a violation of human rights to work here, and that's 1%. I don't understand military conflict. Yeah, what is military conflict? Well, we talk about World War II. Yeah, I think that's 1%. I don't understand military conflict. Yeah, what is military conflict? Well, we talk about World War II. Yeah, I think that's quite a bit. I mean, the term Nazi will pop up every once in a while. I think it is like just talking about the story.

The World War II. Basically World War II facts, trivia, Stalin comes up a lot. But is this a concern that us discussing these things right now will bump these numbers up? I hadn't thought of it. And then next year when we do this again, we'll go downtown. I think so.

Ruby is boobies. That's easy. Vagii. But I think so. The truth is, this is your, Sonomade, a really, really important point, which is like you were on TV for 28 years. Yeah. Your brand is established.

Yes. You had advertisers on that show. Yes, I did. It was a brand safe show. Your brand safe talent. This really is more done for talent that is maybe lesser known to, you know, advertisers, if they're when they're making the decision, if they want to advertise on a specific show, I see, but I did think that you would just find it interesting

that we're being analyzed. What do you take away from this? I actually take away that there is a high sensitivity among advertisers now, higher than ever. It seems to be associated with brand safe content. So I think for us, we should just be monitoring your language primarily, everyone's language here. And thinking of these categories, every time we go into an interview or do a segment. But I'm told not to do something. I just want to do it more. Adam, you're coming dangerously close to being the man censoring the artist here. Also, I don't think I use profanity. I mean, Kakaru, is that really profanity?

I don't know. I love that answer. I love the way you said it. I don't know. Well, there was talk of Durables. Is all kind of a thing. No, unless you really get it, I don't know. Well, there was talk of gerbils. Is all kind of a thing. Now unless you really get it, I know what it's all about. It's a scene and a scene.

I don't think this thing understands context either. Oh, I just don't understand context. So talk of gerbils is quite a, that could be a children's story. But it could be. It could be. Take gerbils and think Joseph gerbils and make it a Nazi thing.

No, that's gerbils. Well, it's written in a transcript. It doesn't know. It does. It knows the difference. They're spelled completely differently. It's ridiculous. I think the state of the conflict, I think the state of the show,

our numbers are going up on military conflict. I think the show is doing well. We are marching forward. We're like the allies pushing in to France. We're pushing forward. We're moving our way. We're penetrating. Okay.

That whole. We're having sex with the other army. Listen, don't ruin a good thing. I'm pleased. I feel. This is a good thing. I do nothing but say I have gratitude that we've been doing this for five years. I've been having a a good thing. I'm pleased. I feel- What's the good thing? I do nothing but say I have gratitude that we've been doing this for five years.

I've been having a very good time. I love doing this with you people. I gotta learn your names. But, and I think we should maybe tone down the PPP poopoo a little bit. You got a cock face. But I do want us to keep getting more and more brand friendly.

I really do. I want to just keep chiseling away. I want to. But P.P. and Pupu is what we are. That's who we are as people. This is what a wonderful story this is. No, but that's what we are. I feel like you're telling us to change our stuff.

I like the home art channels to one day advertise with us. And I think to get that and probably also Disneyland. So to get those kind of brands, those are the ones I really want. We need to really shape it up. I think we definitely need to check back in. We need to do quarterly state of the podcast and see the trend of the numbers. Can we do that? Yeah. Okay. 3%. That Yeah, okay. Three percent.

Yeah. That's high. It's red. 83% abstaining profanity. Let's get that number down and let's get violation of human rights way up. I don't know how, but we will. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at

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