Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Grand Theft Rickshaw

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

Conan chats with Rusty from Mumbai about living in the city with spinal muscular atrophy, ideas for his YouTube channel, and why his dad is both the best and worst wingman. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello! Oh, hi Rusty, I'd like to apologize. King Coco the Red! Yes!

Podcast, Podcast Plunderer! Thank you. Freckle Fiend! Freckle Fiend? And Holy Puppet of the gods of mischief and mayhem. What the hell is going on? Lady Moxazian of Catalonia. Mother of coyotes. I love this intro. Thank you very much.

My darling, the wise ass. Hello assorted minions and henchmen. And out on the Nord. What's up? Oh my God. Hello Assorted Minions and Henchmen. And out on the Nord, what's up? Oh my God! I have to know, who are you? Who are you? Identify yourself, sir, immediately.

I am Sir Rusty Rustamirani from Mumbai, India. Oh my God, your name is Rusty and you live in Mumbai, India? Absolutely. I don't think I would have guessed that, but I wouldn't have guessed anything. Nothing you said after that intro would make sense to me. From one cartoon character come to life to another, like I would expect.

Rusty, I love you already. I really do. You seem like an amazing person. What a burst of energy and joy from Rusty. Rusty, tell us a little bit of- And it's only 1.30 a.m. at night. You know? Oh.

Sorry about that, Rusty. I'm not even caffeinated yet. I'm not even caffeinated, so can you believe that? Yeah, I don't wanna see you on caffeine if this is you without caffeine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let me slow it down here for a second. Your name is Rusty. Sure, sure, sure.

Rusty Irani, and you are from Mumbai, India. That's where you're talking to us from. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Rusty. Well, I'm from Mumbai, India. I have, I'm born and brought up in India. The accent is a result of me having traveled to the US since I was 13 to find the cure for the disease that I suffer from. So I'm on a wheelchair. I've been on a cure for the disease that I suffer from.

So I'm on a wheelchair. I've been on a wheelchair all my life. I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy. It's SMA for short. It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to because, you know, it's, uh, I don't fall under the compassionate user program. So it's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein

that like helps my nerves to create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So hence the atrophy bit. And yeah, I was a kid. Can I ask you quickly, so you have this ailment. It's a progressive neurological disorder. Progressive disease and how do, how do you get? So I could walk as a child

and then I met with a bike accident at the age of nine, I go figure, like, you know, so yeah. Met with a bike accident and I've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years. Okay. And I've driven different wheelchairs like since then. And I went to school here in Mumbai and then I went and studied English from a

college here in Mumbai. I majored in English, got my first degree in English, and then I had this bug up my ass because I loved films. And during the whole period of my convalescence as a kid, my mom opened the whole world of cinema and books. And because I could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as I'm speaking with you guys here. I used to only speak with the headnard and like speaking like this guy, like all every typical Indian how we usually tend to talk. And so my mom opened like the whole world of books to me

and like cinema and cinema, that is not meant for like a nine-year-old. Like, you know, I was exposed to like all the Arnold Schwarzenegger stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff, because that's the only- Yeah, that stuff hasn't meant for adults either. I'll be honest with you, Rusty. Exactly, exactly. You know what, I'm very impressed though, because-

And I thought all Americans spoke like Arnie. Yeah, exactly. Like that's what I thought. You know, like so. So you're walking around Mumbai as a kid. And Sylvester Stallone, like you know. Yeah, yeah, that- First coin seven years ago.

Exactly. And welcome to Mumbai. So- Yeah, exactly. Rusty, first of all, I just love that, clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such- All pun intended, yes. Yeah, but you have such a fantastic, I don't know, you have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny. I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on reality television with an inspiration porn story.

I don't even have those kind of stories. All my life, it's all about these vacadoo incidents that have been happening with me. It's like one crazy adventure after another. I can't see myself sitting at home and moving about the shit, but I'd rather joke about it and crack a smile and go on with life because it's hilarious to me. I don't know how some disabled folk can just make some kind of inspiration, porn story out of their life.

And yeah, self-entitled pricks, but me, I'm different. So I like just putting myself out there. Yeah, yeah, you can laugh. Like, you know, I'm allowed to make these jokes. So, yeah. Sure. Well, I mean, you have an amazing spirit

and an amazing attitude, Rusty. And tell me what's it like- Thank you, Sir Conan. What is it like to be someone who's in a wheelchair in Mumbai? What's that experience like? Well, first of all, they all think like I'm some kind of, like you've been to Thailand, right?

I mean, I saw the episode that you were in. So you remember all those tuk-tuks in Thailand, the small little rickshaw scooters? Bombay is full of those. So every rickshaw guy thinks I'm like some new competition in town, so the moment I step out of my home, either, and I'm a big guy. I'm like almost like, you know, 56 inches across and I'm like six foot two. So I'm on this chair and everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride.

The seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled. Like, you know, when I speak like this and when I'm like sitting with you guys here, you would not even realize I can hardly function in terms of my motor skills and my ability to even transfer myself. But when I'm out there, from the local transportation buses to guys on the cows and the dogs, everybody chases me. If someone's trying to run me off the road, it's mayhem.

And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for like regular pedestrians. Let me tell you that. That's out. So they're not, because you know, in the United States, there's a lot of rules and regulations about, as you know, because you visited here about wheelchair access and making sure that people that use wheelchairs. I'm sure you guys also know about this because if you've seen the documentary from Grip Camp,

you know the kind of struggle the disabled guys in the US had to go through to get the facilities that he got. Exactly. It was like such a... They actually went and took over the town hall in San Francisco. I wish I could do that, but nobody here would even come to support me. First of all, I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So that would be a challenge.

Right, right. Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much good anyway to go to the town hall. It doesn't sound like it would be receptive. Exactly. So if I were to come to Mumbai and you and I were to hang out together, what would you wanna do with me?

What would we do together? The first thing I'd do is put you on a wheelchair, like, you know, without causing you any bodily harm. Like, you know, we just, I mean, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair. Like, you know, causing you to make them all over Mumbai. Hey, easy there, buddy, easy. I mean, have you seen the attitude of the Indian stewards,

like any person with like pale skin? Like, you know, you would be like the star attraction here. Like, you know, like I could pay, I could get money from people to just have you on the streets, like going over ranch like Ivo Kaniwo. Hey, this isn't a circus, Rusty. Sounds pretty good. You can't just say, behold, the Conan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time I try to get into my vehicle, I have an audience of 15 to 20 people. If I had charged them, I could have earned enough to pay for some medicine for my disease. That's the first thing I would do. And the other thing I wanted to do is, I want to get all this pent up energy

and all this pop culture crap that's full of my experiences. I want to start my own YouTube channel. I've already trademarked a name called WheelieVision. WheelieVision. I don't think, WheelieVision, yeah. It's a channel by the disabled, for the disabled, and it's got nothing to do with side stories.

It's all about one day dedicated to doing actual wheelchair reviews like you would do a car review. A day dedicated to doing actual wheelchair reviews like you would do a car review. A day dedicated to doing a talk show. This sounds like a fun, cool channel. And it sounds like you also- I've been nursing for a long time. Yeah. It sounds like you would wanna do a lot of comedy too.

Oh, I mean, from everything, from a Key and Peele kind of a skit comedy show where no holds barred. Like, do blind guys having sex using dotted condoms, where like the condoms are in braille, so you get to learn new things as you're having sex. Okay, I'm writing these ideas down. Blind guys using condoms with braille. Yep, and then like, you know,

somebody with like a sign language interpreter going with a deaf guy for a singing competition, and the interpreter does the singing, but the guy who was actually deaf and mute gets to win the prize because you know, they're like. So you're just sitting around thinking of this stuff. Hitting. Yeah, I think about, I wake up at night thinking,

what if it's the next zombie apocalypse, and I'm on a wheelchair and I turn into a zombie, I wouldn't be able to operate my wheelchair. Like, you know, I mean, I think about these things. I think about going to a bar and going way over the limit and I don't have a designated driver for my wheelchair. How does that work? So you're suggesting- To be honest, I go to a pharmacy in the US, here it's all over the counter prescription.

I go to a pharmacy in the US, the first thing they hand me is like a bottle full of pills and it says, don't operate heavy machinery. I'm always operating heavy machinery. Like, you know, what are you supposed to be? You know, it's shit like that. Like, you know, it's funny. I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way, you know.

It gets you to normalize. You want them to laugh with the disabled, yeah. Absolutely. I'm curious, you said that you're, you spend a lot of time, you obviously, you're very well versed in cinema. What about video games? Do you like video games? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I grew up on video games. Like, you know, like I said, if you are like on a wheelchair, there's not a lot of outdoorsy stuff that you can do, though I like give it a shot. But yeah, video games were introduced to me at a very young age from the old Atari system, playing pong with that big joystick thingy, you know, then moving on to like knockoffs.

We didn't get like American game consoles. They have rip-offs of popular video games in India? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai. You get rip-offs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names like the Nintendo NES used to be called the samurai system, for some reason. Do they have a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto?

There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA, Grand Theft Auto, and they've taken all the tanned players from like the non-NPC characters, the non-playing characters who are all having tans, and they're put into the Indian version of the game. So every tanned NPC player has made it into the Indian version of GTA. I think they just pulled this up.

We've got a clip here. Oh, we just, Eduardo, Eduardo is very fast. Eduardo was just able to find a clip. This is the Indian version of Grand Theft Auto. And you see what I mean? Oh my God. Oh! What?

Mario's in there. Mario's in there? They just... Oh, a multiple Mario. Multiple. Yeah, I can't even figure out what it is. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening. That was insane looking.

Well, to give them new credit, it's still in the prototype stage. So, yeah, it's still a pilot project. I hope that's the prototype. I've got some notes. You have notes? Not me. That was that's the product. I've got some notes. You have notes? Not me, that was perfect. Yeah, yeah, I got a few notes.

And so it mostly involves rickshaws? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Grand Theft Auto, it doesn't involve cars, it involves rickshaws. They haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet, so yeah. That's, wow. But it's still called Grand Theft Auto. No, no, no, it's got some Indian name, yeah.

Oh, okay, yeah. It's a working title. They still haven't figured out what to call it yet. So you say you live with your mother and your father. Tell me, what's your relationship like with your dad? They are my caregivers, my best friends. Like, you know. Nice. And they, yeah, I'm like on first name basis with them

in that sense, like, you know, they know everything about me. Wow, wow. I know everything about them. That's so cool that you know your parents. Yeah. They don't throw potatoes at me, like, you know, like I come and love them. Okay, all right.

This is now world famous that my parents were through potatoes at each other. Yup. No, but like my dad has, like he's never given hope. He's now 72 and he always thinks as a cure writer on the corner. And my dad is also my biggest wingman slash cock blocker. Like, you know, like every, every-

How is he a wingman slash cock blocker? I will tell you. Terrible cobble. I will tell you. Terrible cop. I will tell you how, Mr. Cohnan. My father thinks that every woman I meet is an ideal mate for me. He couldn't do better than this. This is the one for him. And so the moment I strike a conversation, again, I'll give you a movie reference.

You've seen The Seventh Seal with the God of Death playing chess with that knight, right? The German surrealist from Matt, you know about this, right? Yeah, the Inar Bergman film. My dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while I'm having a conversation. I'm like using my best lines on a woman at a bar, like asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick. Like, you know, and I'm using like this very, very good- Oh yeah, that's a great line, Rusty.

I can't believe your dad stepped in and ruined it. I don't think- You're telling a woman at a bar, play with my joystick, and then you're mad that your dad fucked it up? Yeah. I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair, who's already had a few too many and meets a very attractive woman who has shown some promise towards him?

Yes. And my dad comes up and then he rattles off all the assets I own and how I could live independently and I make a pretty decent living and then I would make a great husband and I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and giving her as many kids as she wants. Oh, boy. Okay. well, first of all, this is nothing my dad didn't say to my dates. He was constantly stepping into the room and saying, he can become erect.

It has happened. And then he would go back, he would retreat and the door would shut. He was like a little cuckoo clock. But he would just float back. Yeah, he'd float back. Ooh. Erections are possible with the boy. He's like a little cuckoo clock. But he'd just float back. Yeah, he'd float back. Woo! Erections are possible with the boy!

And then woo! That was the cuckoo of you get an erection twice a day when the clock strikes. Oh my God. Yeah. Wow, well it sounds like we have similar fathers. They were built to embarrass us. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Because I mean, I wasn't, obviously I was not in a wheelchair, but I had my own struggles and my father was always coming in at just the worst time and saying the worst thing. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, I think- Were you playing with your joystick when that happened? Oh. Okay.

Rusty, please. Rusty. I was raised Catholic and we don't masturbate. Yeah. Let me see your palms. Okay, Rusty, please. Rusty. I was raised Catholic and we don't masturbate. Yeah. Let me see your palms. Okay, Rusty. There's hair growing. Rusty, I don't know what to do with you, Rusty. I really don't.

I think, but you know what I have to say? I am, you've been dealt a difficult hand, to say the least, but good Lord, you have made this such a joyous experience. You're really funny. You have a great sense of humor. It sounds like you're having a good time. And I applaud you. I really do.

I think you're in a really impressive person. And it's very cool to know you. It really is. It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years. And if I can get to Mumbai, I would happily ride around in a wheelchair with you side by side. Yeah. And if I can make a few American scribble and bring them along on wheelchairs, that would help with my other startup as well. I'm starting a startup called includetrip.com. It's like a travel startup for people with disabilities

to come and visit India. I wanna show the world that- That's a very cool idea. And also sounds like he could use a new wingman. Yes, oh, and by the way, I'm not a great wingman. I'm not biased that way. Rusty, I'm not a great wingman,

but I'm a lot better than your father. Okay? Yeah. I'm not gonna- I'll take your word for it when you're around here, so. All right, I can prove it. Well, Rusty, it's so cool to talk to you. It's such a pleasure, Connor. Yeah, such a pleasure to talk to you.

Well, you made my day, my year, my decade, since 1993 when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time. I always show up in porn! I don't know why, but I got more fans who thought they were finding porn. They said more people typed in than what they did. I guess they just typed in, I wanna see a dick.

And then I popped up. No, no, no, no, it wasn't like that. The first guy I saw was the late great Joel Goddard with like a young Korean guy by his side. Oh my God, he was. Oh yeah, he was awesome. I think Joel Goddard's still a young Korean guy by his side. Oh my God, he was. Oh yeah, he was awesome. I think Joel Goddard's still alive. I think he is.

Yeah, Joel Goddard's still alive. I think he is. Let's not get it out there that he's dead because they might try and bury him. Okay, the great great Joel Goddard then. Yeah, yeah, he's still alive. That line's from the first Godfather. By preparation H Raymond.

Oh my God, he's a super fan. Hey Rusty. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm so glad that you found me. You were searching for porn, but you found Conan O'Brien and that's the best way to find me. And thrilled to have such a funny, creative, cool person be a fan.

Plagiarism is all mine, Conan, plague is all mine. Yeah, well, I hope we- And you guys are awesome too, Sona, Matt, Aaron, all you guys, like, you know, like, you made it worth pushing through the pandemic. Oh, thank you. You made it worth my while and like, you know, yeah. I mean, I just put in this, like, you know,

everybody like asked me even during the pre-checks, like, you know, how many times did you apply? I said, I just did it the once. And if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Wow. Yeah. That's so cool. It was meant to be. He like asked me even during the pre-checks, like, you know, how many times did you apply? I said, I just did it the once. And if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Wow. Yeah. That's so cool.

It was meant to be. So there you go. Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day, but until then, Same here, Conan. Be well, tell your father to knock it off. And take good care of yourself. Long day's pleasant night, folks.

Wonderful talking to all of you. Take care, Rusty. Have a lovely, lovely, lovely day. All night, folks. Wonderful talking to all of you. Take care, Rusty. Have a lovely, lovely, lovely day. Take care. Bye-bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan, with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leaw. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blayard. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. You'll get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts

are down.