Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Haunted Hoochie

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Conan talks to Nancy from Chicago about her work as a haunted house reviewer, and gets assigned his very own haunted house role. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com. Okay, let's get started. Hi Nancy, welcome. Hi Nancy, how are you? I'm doing good, how about you? I'm doing very well. This is a podcast. I can see you, my audience cannot, and I can tell right away this is going to be an interesting interview. You seem like a fascinating person to me. You're very attractive, very exotic. You have, man, there's a lot going on right now. You seem, I'm getting a goth vibe from you. Is that fair? Yes, yes. Okay, let's describe your goth look a little bit. Are you into the goth world? Is that your thing? Yes, I guess you can say that. Well, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm 30 years old. I live in Chicago. I was born and raised here. I love to travel. I love going to haunted houses and so much. Ah, here we go. Here we go. I love how you're just like, because I'm looking at you and you're all dressed in black and your hair is jet black. And as I said, you're a very attractive person, but I'm getting this strong. Aren't you getting sort of a strong Halloween vibe almost? Yes. And then you, I asked you and you're like, well, I'm 30 and this and that and it's all very normal. And I love haunted houses. I'm like, okay, that's telling me a lot right there. Yeah, I'm going to say, I know we don't describe what happens in your room, but there are two of the creepiest masks

I've ever seen right behind you. Yeah, hanging on the wall or two in that clown. Yeah, a monkey mask and a clown mask and they look like they're from the 1930s or 40s or something and they're scary as hell. Are you a murderer? Is that what you do? Well, let's see. I've never murdered anything, but I did select that animals as well. Oh my God. You're holding up right now. Let me describe for the listener. Nancy is holding up a jar that had some kind of a creature in it. What is that creature in the jar? So it's actually a cat and it is. Oh, it's a diaphanous specimen. So it is clear stained and it is dyed as well. And it's a gelatinous cat skeleton and there's been a dye injected into it and the bones

are all blue blue and a tint of pink. So I collect taxidermy. I collect wet specimens along with my husband, of course. Of course. Yeah, couldn't do it without him. Yeah, funny how we hear about him, but we don't see him. In fact, no one's seen him for years. Oh, there he is. Oh, hi, husband. Good to see you. Yeah, you as well. Okay, here's my job. My job is to keep you guys talking until the FBI can show up. We want to thoroughly look through your basement and we're wondering why there are those exotic butterflies everywhere. What's going on with you guys? You're both, you seem like ghouls. You seem like... That's fair. Otherworldly ghouls. Yeah, that's fair. Tell us, Nancy, what do you guys do

for a living? What's your bag, man? So what we do for a living is we are actually haunted house reviewers in the Chicagoland area for the scare factor. Wait, you review haunted houses? Yes. Okay, so it's not enough that other people can go to a haunted house and just write a Yelp review. You're the real people that say, is this haunted house worth your time or not? Pretty much, yeah. We break it down from how great, how scary, how well the entertainment is inside, outside customer service. We break it down for you. What customer service is there at a haunted house? Well, you know, you got to talk to someone. You got to pay. So if you can get like, all the signs are out, everything like that. If...

You want to make sure that you're going to the right place and you're not led to a murderous house like, you know, our house or something. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes, you want to... Okay, got it. Because there are some people who say they run a haunted house and really it's just a place to butcher people. Got it. Okay, so this is the thing. You guys, how do you become an expert reviewer of haunted houses? How did that happen for you? Well, we started going to haunted houses. We were big haunted enthusiasts for a few years. Then we just saw an ad. Hey, are you guys interested in... Is anyone interested in becoming a hot reviewer? And we decided to take the jump. And this is where we are now. We're four years

into it. We're very happy with the company we're with. We're getting to know a lot of people from around the country. And it's just been really fun. Nancy, first of all, your husband's name is... Oh, I'm sorry, Mario. Mario, okay. It's Nancy and Mario. And Mario, I think you have a year at best and then you'll be moldering out of the floorboards. I swear to God, she's going to turn on you. Yeah, yeah. You are her ninth husband in two years. They call her the Black Widow. And I'm just, I'm glad that you finally figured it out. That's the only casino game slot machine she was good at. Yeah, exactly. It was the Black Widow. You're right. Listen, Nancy, I have so many questions. First of all, you say you review

haunted houses. Does that mean you walk through the haunted house and you say, I liked it when the ghost came out, but when the skull dropped out of the ceiling, the skull wasn't to actual size. And the, and one eye was glowing, but the other one wasn't. So I'm taking a half star off for that. Is that the kind of stuff you do? That's pretty much it. A little bit more detailed, but you pretty much got it. Yeah. Okay. Well, tell me, what are the classic things that happen in a haunted house? It's been a while since I've since I've been to one. What are the classic features of your standard haunted house? Go. It's always going to be a clown room. There's always going to be a clown section. I mean, a lot of people

are afraid of clowns and there's also going to be a doll room somewhere. So there's going to be a clown room. I'm writing this down. Clown room, doll room. Okay. What other kind of rooms are there? What are we looking at? A lot of, are there ghost rooms? Are there are there zombie rooms? Zombies are a big thing. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Zombies are, I mean, every other show on television is about a zombie. There's even one now where two zombies have to raise kids together. I mean, it's ridiculous how many zombies there are. Zombies have to raise kids together. Yeah, it's a sitcom. I'm pretty sure. One thing is they'll never die. So, right. So, so here's my question, Nancy. Um, those are all the

different elements. Do you criticize like the, if the mechanical stuff isn't working great, are you criticizing the performance of the clowns that jump out at you? Yes, yes, all of that we do. I know there's sometimes issues where we talk to the owners afterwards like, hey, we did notice a few things and they'll let us know like, well, something happened during this, customer bumped into it or along the lines of that. So, depending on the situation, we sometimes don't mention that. So, have you ever gone to a haunted house and afterwards you're talking to the owner and you're saying, you know what, in the clown room, the clowns didn't seem so much scary as they seemed sad, like depressed, or you'll notice that in the

doll room, the dolls weren't sort of haunting, you know, they seemed, you know, just bored, you know, that kind of thing. We have seen that, yes. And sometimes it either depends on we didn't have enough actors to work the room or again, like depending on the situation, we'll kind of, we'll kind of take that into consideration and we'll just kind of write it off or just, hey, this happened. There was an issue. We just, that was our experience because it could be from one night to another where everyone has a different experience. We just talked about our personal experience. Okay. So, it's incredible that you two found each other because when you think about it, what are the odds that Nancy, you would meet

Mario and you're both of you have a passion in life for reviewing haunted houses. Our first date was actually at a Valentine's haunted house. Of course it was. Of course it was, Mario. You don't have to tell me that you met at a haunted house. I didn't think you guys were at a clam bake together wearing Bermuda shorts and you both reached for the same shrimp boat and then just, it happened that you both love to review haunted houses. Of course you met at a haunted house, Mario. That was worth mentioning. It didn't mean mentioning Mario. You two do the most specific thing in the world. So you were together at a haunted house and then you decide you're going to dedicate your lives to reviewing

haunted houses. I think that's very beautiful. I have a question because I watched a documentary on haunted houses not too long ago and some of them have you sign releases just in case you're like scared to death and you die? That sounds like a publicity thing. Okay. Don't you think? Like no one, well, you guys tell us, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Sona's right. When you sign a waiver, is it really protecting them from you being scared to death? Well, I can tell you this much. You sign a waiver as soon as you buy a ticket. You will see in the back of the ticket it says we're not liable for injuries, whatever, as long as you follow by our rules. But as far as like an extreme haunt and I think I know which

one you're talking about. Yeah. What's an extreme haunt? That's like a very intense haunted house. Sure. Yeah. Like physical touching. Yeah. Physical touching. They torture you. It's been a bad way. Yeah. Well, wait, is physical touching in a good way? Is there any? Oh, I'm thinking of a massage parlour. Yeah. You know what? I was, I got, for a second I was thinking, wait, I might want to go to this. You know, I'd like that. I'd like to be touched and caressed. And then I realized, oh, I'm thinking of something else. Is there such thing as an exotic? And I'm not asking because I'm interested, very interested. But is there such thing as sort of a sexy haunted house where maybe there might be sexy ghosts and

some, maybe some touching? Is that possible? I have one for you. Yeah. Well, I'm, I'm, I'm asking like as a reporter, imagine I'm from the Wall Street Journal. I know you have to know this, right? No, no, I'm writing a story. This is not me being a creep. This is me as a Wall Street Journal reporter who strangely has no ID. But anyway, tell me about a sexy haunted house. So this is called Haunted Hoochie. Oh my God. Oh my God. And what happens at Haunted Hoochie? So we have not been there yet. It's actually somewhere in Ohio. I can't remember exactly where, but. Sure, somewhere in Ohio. Describe me. I'm looking for Haunted Hoochie. Oh, yeah, somewhere in Ohio. And so what I've heard in the queue line is they have cages

with strippers and they're zombie strippers. Yes, of course, the undead stripper. Right, exactly. Wow. Okay, this is incredible. I'm learning so much. I didn't realize there was so much to this. There's another trope in haunted houses, which is the guy with the chain saw, the leather face with the chain saw. Is that a standard part of most haunted houses? Yeah, it's usually like a finale thing, you know what I mean? They'll chase you the hell out of there, you know, a couple chainsaw guys. There's a good one in Indiana that has that for sure. They will chase them out of the parking lot like pretty much. Do they use real chainsaws or is there a standard fake chainsaw? It's totally like real, but without the chain part, you know. So

you got the actual like motor running, essentially in the smell of gas going on. So you feel like you're going to get pretty damn attacked. There's actually talk of chainsaws not being a thing this year because of gas prices. You know what, I'm going to say that is, I'm going to say that is probably the worst fallout of rising gas prices. The worst. Yeah, is the effect on chainsaw wielding leather faces in extreme haunted houses. I think that's where it'll be felt most and I'm including failed generators at children's hospitals. I think that's just the worst thing. And I feel terrible for extreme haunted houses and what they're going through. And I think we should all take up a collection. This is amazing. You guys, I'm just, here's another question I have for you.

When you give a rating, do you give it by gravestones or skulls? Like you get six skulls, you get five skulls. Some do, but we actually do out of 10. Yeah. Number. Number. Yeah. Can you do me a favor and just switch it to skulls or gravestones? We'll do it. We'll talk about it. We'll tell the owners that that we're changing. But why, you know, you're acting like your H&R block or something, you know, this is your chance to have some fun. Zombie strippers. Yeah, you got nine zombie strippers out of 10. Six what six skulls. Oh, yeah, that feels a lot better. Well, I'm telling you, it does feel a lot better. I'm trying to help you and I'm trying to help the consumer as fast as I can. Thank you. Really appreciate it. Yeah. What would I do if I was in a, if I was in a haunted

house, what would be my role? Could you see, would there be something, a role that I could play in a haunted house? So I took it up with the website or all, because we actually have like 20 teams in all around the country for the scare factor. So I took it up with all my, Hey guys, I might be in the podcast. Um, you know, they asked this question, what would Conan do? And they were like, well, mad scientist. That's it. Yes. Oh, that's good. I could be a mad scientist. It's alive. There you go. It's alive. They laughed at me. They said it couldn't be done. Well, who's laughing now? Perfect. I was born to do that. You're fired. That's at least nine skulls. So quickly. At least nine skulls right there. That's the job I want. That's fantastic.

Do you have any, uh, any question for me, you guys? Is there anything way I can help you? Yeah. What is your favorite haunted house? Well, I'm God. I'm trying to think of, I think it's the one I grew up in. I have to say. Oh, nothing beats my childhood. It was filled with frightening characters. The unapproachable father, the nervous mother, the brother, Neil, that tortured and beat me. Their brother, Luke, who was so much smarter than me, the grandmother in the attic. I mean, what's, you know, the dogs that needed to be walked. And somehow it was my turn when they weren't my dogs. That was my ghoulish haunted house. And it's available. It's in Brookline, Massachusetts. Check it out. Uh, no, I, uh, I, I, I kid, it's a quote, Triumphian salt comic dog.

I kid, I kid. Uh, I, um, I, I don't know. I've never, I've got to say, I just haven't been to a high volume of haunted houses. I, I've maybe been to one or two in my life. I know that's shocking to you guys because you probably can't think of a day you haven't been in one, but a holiday, anything. Easter, I think was the last one. Easter. What? Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah. East, Easter, huh? Easter was the last time you went to a haunted house. That sounds about right. Yes. Okay. Well, um, I don't know. I have to say, Sona, I don't go to haunted houses. I don't, you know what? I'm trying to figure if I do too. I know. I have you gone to like. Well, I'm going to haunted Hootchy. I'll go to haunted Hootchy if you guys will go with me. Yeah, that sounds great.

We'll set it up. Yes. I need my wife to sign a permission form. Me too. But, um, but I'll, I'll check out haunted Hootchy. Yeah. You'll go to Ohio just for that. Yeah. Okay. You know, I might. I mean, I'm, look, I often have business somewhere in Ohio. So that'll probably bring me right near haunted Hootchy and I'll check it out. You know what? They do off season. So it's not strictly for Halloween. Just an FYI. Yeah. I thought it was a year round business. I just had that feel of being a year round business. Uh, yeah. Wow. I, uh, I'm, I'm impressed. I'm very impressed. I, I think you guys, um, you know what I like? I admire people that do what they love. I think that's the greatest gift in life. And, uh, I think we're very lucky to live at a time during this American

empire when just about anybody can make a living doing what they love. And you two love going to haunted houses and you figured out a way to make this a living. That's fantastic. Oh yes. Oh yes. I got to ask off subject. I really enjoyed the Ghana movie poster you have with you and Andy. Oh yeah. I totally like, cause that's part of our question too. We have like a leprechaun poster actually. You remember the old 93, you know, Jennifer Aniston leprechaun movie? Yeah. One of my friends, one of my good friends worked on a leprechaun movie, Rodman Flanders, director. He's a very talented, uh, brilliant director. And, uh, he worked on a leprechaun film and he is a lifelong fan of horror and, uh, and appreciator of, uh, of the genre. And yes, I went

to Ghana and what we found when we went to Ghana, I'm just explaining to people listening, uh, if this part makes it in, is that there's a guy who paints movie posters there of movies that come to Ghana and he often doesn't see the movies first. So he just paints anything that he imagines. So I described my show to him verbally and then he painted a poster for our late night show and, uh, it's one of the craziest and most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. Absolutely. I love that. Yeah. I also love the depiction of my chest. Uh, that was a good part. Yes. Yeah. It's a chest. Five skulls.

Chest I will never have. No, ten skulls. Ten skulls. Ten skulls. Total. Per-peck. Five per-peck. Um, anyway, I think, uh, I think you guys, um, I think you're doing the Lord's work. No, I'm going to change that. You're doing the anti-Christ work. We've seen Jesus, we've seen Jesus in a lot a couple of times. There's a, you know,

Jesus Christ actor. That's pretty fun. What? Wait, wait, why would Jesus be in a haunted house? Oh, yes. No, hey, he rose from the dead. Yeah. It was Easter hunt. That's what it was. Yeah. He's the original zombie. Hey, it's like, you guys, here I am. Yeah. Oh, well, we're here to pay our respects to Jesus. That's a whole new twist. He's the original zombie. He is. Oh my God.

Think about it. Christ is the original zombie. And on the third day, he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures. Uh, yeah. I never thought of it that way. What if he came back and just kicked ass and started ripping off Roman's heads, ripped out, punches pilot's intestines through his anus? And they were like, oh my God. That's a whole new take. Jesus is back and he's kicking ass. Well, guys, it was really nice talking to you. Continued success. And I'll see you at the, uh, at the haunted Hoochie castle. We'll be there. Yeah. We'll meet there. Yeah.

I'll be there. I'll be dressed as a mad scientist. There you go. Bye. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Teen Coco production in association with Stitcher.