Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Hillary Clinton Returns

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton feels enthusiastic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Hillary sits down with Conan to talk about launching her new podcast You and Me Both, overcoming the double standard for women in the public eye, and the need for an American moral reckoning. Plus, Conan gives the world a much-needed update on his iconic hair. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Hillary Clinton and I feel enthusiastic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pills. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I, of course, am Conan O'Brien, as you can tell from my reedy, nasally twang. No one hates their voice more than I hate mine. I know you think you hate my voice. I hate mine even more than you do and have my entire life. I'm joined. What? I was just like, mm-hmm. I was like, okay.

Are you thrilled when you hear my voice, Sona? No. I didn't think so. But I'm not thrilled for different reasons, not because of like the tone of it. It's just, I don't want to hear what you have to say sometimes. I think I'm a terrific boss who would never throw small candies at you that I found here at the podcast studio in a basket. I'm glad you brought that up because every time we come to Ear Wolf, you'll take whatever candy is in this basket and you'll just throw it at me, all of it. But first I say, I try and get as far away from you as possible and then I say,

Sona. And you say, yes. And I'll say, and just picture this, we are in a completely empty podcast studio. There's nobody here for COVID reasons and it's all been scrubbed and hosed down and filled with Purell. And I will pick up one of these small candies, like a starburst. And I'll get as far away from you in the room as possible. And then I say, Sona. And you go, yeah, there's dividers in the room. And I can just see the bun on your hair above the divider. And I'll say, would you like a starburst? And you'll say, oh God, no, no. And then I throw the starburst and I try and hit the top of your hair bun.

Yes. I don't think I've hit you yet. Yes, you have. Multiple, multiple times. You hit me. No. And you don't even throw it lightly. You throw it as hard as you possibly can. The starburst is a soft candy. No.

I would never throw up. You celebrate when you hit me. I would never throw, and this is what I think makes me a great human. Okay. I would never launch a hard candy. I would never launch a bar that had any mass. It has to be a small soft candy. No, starburst is hard and pointy. It's got sharp corners.

Yes. Matt, I'm sorry, that's our producer, Matt Corley. Whose side are you on? Sona's. Me? Mine. Oh, okay, good. Matt, I'm telling you, there's a joy that comes with tossing a starburst across a room.

It's someone who doesn't deserve it. I don't know what that is. It's being a sociopath. Yes. Yes, that's what it is. Very good. I'm enjoying inflicting harm on other people with bite-sized candy. I never throw a raspberry or a cherry.

It's always a lime. The crappy flavors. Something that, no, that's terrible. A lemon. Who wants a lemon starburst? No one. I'll still eat it though. After it hits me, I'll reach down and eat it.

That's the saddest part, is it will bounce off your impenetrable hair bun. Sometimes it lodges in the hair bun. Some night you're going to be undoing your hair at night and six starbursts are going to fall out of it. It's a pinata. That's right. That's right, it's a pinata. I'll waste some time. I think I'm a good man.

Wait, what? There was no transition there. I just wanted to do it. No. Well, anyway, it's decided I'm a very moral and fine man. No, no, no. That is not what was decided. In summation, anybody who missed the previous part, best boss ever.

Monster. Sociopathic monster. Anyway. Yes. Let's continue. It's supposed to inflict harm with bite-sized candy. Matt, how are you? Let's ask Matt how he's doing, and it can't all be about you, son.

When you Pavarotti warming up, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. It's got to be about someone else occasionally. Oh my God, you should not be here right now. Please, please. Picasso working with paints, everyone stand back. Matt Burley, how are you? I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm good. You clearly don't want to part of it.

When you talk that way, it's just you don't want the attention turned to, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm good. Your house could be on fire right now. You just don't want the attention on you. I don't. You know, I'm like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. I see motion in movement. If you remain perfectly still, you're safe.

If you just freeze, but at the minute you move, that's when I chomp you. Yeah. And if there's a cup and you start seeing the ripples, you know, you're right behind. You know, it's crazy. My son, who's growing very fast, has gotten so big now that when he comes down the stairs, my wife can't tell if it's me or him. Oh, wow. She doesn't know now.

So I'll walk in the room and she'll be like, oh, I thought you were Beckett or he'll walk in the room and she'll, oh, I thought you were your dad. Because she just hears a big, glute monster tumbling down the stairs. It sounds like someone's literally throwing antique furniture down the front steps. And then either my son shows up or I do. That's how my brother and I were. Or my brother would barrel down and once he and I were fighting, he ran down and then his knee went through the wall.

What? That sounds like my house growing up. It was horrific. It was just the two of us. Yeah. I mean, with you, it was like a circus. Yes. There were six kids.

My grandmother lived with us for a while. There were dogs, there were parakeets, a cat and a lot of us are big. So there was a lot of clomping and smashing down the stairs, smashing into things, crashing into each other, fights would break out. Yeah. It was lovely. It's nice that that's continuing on with the next generation. Yeah.

Clomping and everything. Yeah, yeah. I wear wooden shoes in the house. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm trying to. Makes no sense. It makes perfect sense. I like to clog and I enjoy it.

It's how I relax. I wear wooden shoes while I do Irish step dancing. And sometimes the clog goes flying off my foot. I've killed six people accidentally. Whenever they find a clog near a dead body in my neighborhood, they know that I've been Irish step dancing. It's your calling card. It's my calling card.

It's Conan. Irish step dancing with his stupid clogs. Well, let's bag up this body and get it out of here. We can't be messing around today. And I say that every week. I know I say, oh, we can't afford to waste time. Right. You say it.

And then you waste time. And then I waste time. But we really can't today because my guest today is the former secretary of state. I don't get to say that very often. Yes. In fact, I've only said it one other time for her when she was on the last time. My guest today is, of course, the former secretary of state, the first female senator for New York and the first woman to earn a major party's nomination for president.

She now has a new podcast, you and me both with new episodes every Tuesday. And I will tell you something. I was delighted speaking with her last time. She was so loose and so funny. And so I'm thrilled that she is with us today. Hillary Clinton, welcome. You know, a lot of people are slow to warm to me, but you and I have spoken before. And I thought we got along really well.

So I think I'm very happy that you're enthusiastic about this. No, I am, you know, because really, if we're going to be stuck at home for the foreseeable future, we need to keep our spirits up and figure out how to do. And I think you'd be a great conspirator about stuff like that. Well, that's, you know, thank you. So basically you're saying you're enthusiastic because there's COVID and you've lowered your standards for who you will talk to. I wouldn't put it exactly like that, Conan.

I mean, you know, I understand that some might interpret it that way. Yes, yes, yes, only 80%. Well, Secretary Clinton, it is a joy to talk to you again. I had such a good time. I want to say it was a year ago, I believe I spoke with you and Chelsea. And what was interesting about it is you, we had such a good time. And then Chelsea had to dash out. You stayed behind and you were really eager to talk about podcasts and sort of pick my

brain about it. And I thought, what's going on here? Now you have a podcast. And I owe it all to you. So you were using me is what you were doing. No, no, I was blown away by number one, how much fun it was and how relaxed you were and how easy it was to just start up a conversation. I loved the format.

And I, you know, I may, I think you are my very first podcast. I remember it. So that's so nice. No, we did have, but we know we did have a really nice time and people loved. You have such a great laugh. And I think, you know, one of the, one of probably the burdens of being in public office and being in the public eye so much and having to talk about serious things is that there's this pressure to always be incredibly serious.

Right. And I remembered thinking on the podcast, you clearly, and I've heard this about you, people would always tell me, she is a lot of fun, you know, Hillary Clinton is a lot of fun. She is, she's the well-kept secret. Yeah. No, no, no, she's the life of the party. And you were just a joy.

Lock up that funny one over there. Well, I could tell. I could tell you really had a good time. And so you've got your own podcast now. And I'm curious, where are you? Are you in a studio? Are you in your house? Where are you?

I'm in my attic. Yeah. I'm in my house. In my attic. That's just sad. Yeah. Actually, I think it's kind of cool. It's cool.

No. Okay. I'm in my podcast, guess I'll have to go upstairs. I really kind of get a kick out of it. And once, you know, you kind of lit the fire for this podcast idea. And I talked to a lot of people, a lot of people talked to me about it. So yes, I eventually did decide to take the leap and it coincided with COVID. Who knew?

Yeah. No, but isn't it, it's kind of nice to be able to, well, first of all, for you, go up into your attic, you've got family around, you've got these grandkids. It must be nice to say, it's been nice. It's been great. But I'm going upstairs now to do my podcast. Do you ever say it when you don't have a podcast, but you go up there anyway? I'm not going to give away all my stuff.

I mean, we need to talk some more before I get to that level with you. I can tell that you're surrounded by books. You have a lot of books in that attic. We have so many books, you know, Bill and I are book hoarders. I mean, we're really pretty neat about everything else, but books everywhere. We have literally built book cases wherever there's, you know, a foot of wall. And I don't know what we're going to do with all of them because, you know, most people are not into books the way we are.

So we've got thousands of them. Do you find, because I'm a reader, I love reading. I've never, I've tried the Kindle, but I like to have a physical book. I've found I'm constantly forgetting what just happened in the book. And so I'm used to going back a few pages to say, oh, right. Okay, that was okay. Now I know who they're talking about. But I know that you don't have that problem.

You haven't, I mean, you're famous for your memory. You have an incredible memory. Oh, you know, that's, you know, overstated, but I'm like you. I've tried Kindle. I've tried to read on an iPad. I like a book. I like a book in my hand. I also have the terrible habit of turning up pages in the bottom corners.

If there's something I want to remember to go back to, and I don't want to stop and do it now. Yeah, so my, you know, my books are written in, my books are creased and crumpled and corners turned down. But I love that. I love it. Yeah, but the problem is. That physical feeling of reading a book.

But Secretary Clinton, you've been doing that in bookstores, and then you've not bought the book. And there's been a lot of complaints. Only once, really, only once. 35 years ago. I'm sorry. How'd you find out? Oh, I have people, I have people telling you all the time.

And you've been going from bookstore to bookstore, writing notes in the margins, folding, and then saying, I think I'm good. I'm not going to buy anything today. Only the books that are mean about me, of which there's a lot to choose from. So, you know, yeah, I go, only those books, not the other ones. Right, right.

Do you, I mean, you know, it is mind-boggling. I've, over the years, had people write unkind things about me. And then there is your experience of people writing things that are just blatantly untrue and insane, you know, these kind of crazy internet rumors. And you know, you're an international drug lord and a hired assassin. And who knew?

Well, I think you knew. And I think it's been very profitable for you. But you clearly have been able, I think, to detach from all that and see it for the insanity that it is, as opposed to it. You have to. You know, there's so many different reasons. People say unkind, critical, or in my case,

wacky, crazy, you know, off-the-wall things. And you do have to, as I have said for a really long time, take legitimate criticism seriously, but not personally. I mean, you know, you can learn things from your critics that your friends either don't notice or don't tell you. So there's that whole category. And obviously, you know, there's a lot out there. But then there's just the stuff that comes at you

for all kinds of reasons that actually have very little to do with you. Oh, it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with you, except you're the target, you know. So it's, you know, it's commercial or financial reasons. That's political reasons, cultural reasons. You name it. So I am amazed at the incredible nonsense that is out there about me. And unfortunately, you know, this was always part of human nature.

It goes back, you know, many, many thousands of years. But the internet has amplified it. It's on steroids, just like Trump, you know. It's on steroids. And so it's like going everywhere. You know, you, you, you meet people and I haven't, you know, had a lot of experience with this, but friends of mine and colleagues meet people who say, oh, you know, I read on the internet that she did X, Y or Z.

And, you know, my friends look at them like, what planet are you from? But people believe that stuff because they see it on the internet. I think humans aren't ready for the internet. And so people just go down a deep well and then come away from their computer and say, well, I had, apparently it's a known fact that, you know, Hillary Clinton's been, you know, stealing babies and, you know, and selling them around the world. And she's made hundreds of millions of dollars doing that.

And she's used that to buy cocaine. And you're like, what, what? What? What? Now, I mean, only half of that's true, you know. Yeah. Yeah, only half of that. Yeah.

Yeah. On a good day. That's how you get all that book money. Money for those books. Yeah. You know, I hoard books. But on a serious note, I think you're absolutely right. There's a movie that I just saw on Netflix called Social Dilemma,

where some of the people, yeah. And some of the people who've actually designed the algorithms, you know, engineers, coders and the like are saying, hey, wait a minute, you know, this is getting out of control. It's going to rain it back if it's going to have the benefits without the, you know, terrible damage. Right. I think there are lessons to be learned.

I was going to ask you, it occurred to me today, I was driving into this interview, we're learning just the worst things about you. No idea that you were a professional assassin. I mean, the crimes you've committed, just insane. There's a very long list. You can see it on the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, trust me. I was up all night. The charge is here to go through. You steal hot air balloons apparently. I didn't know that about you. Oh, I didn't know that one either. Oh, wow. I'm adding it.

It's just, now I'm realizing it's really fun to come up with them, but I can't come up with any that are sillier than some of the ones that are out there. Yeah. But it was occurring to me that you've had this incredible career of service and you've spent most of it, you know, beginning with your time as First Lady and going on as Senator and Secretary,

that you're in the mode of answering questions and making sure that you answer people's questions. And constantly, I think every time I saw you, people were firing questions at you and your job was to answer them. Now, in this role, and I know you're a very curious person, you get to ask questions that's got to be fun.

It's so much fun. And, you know, when I finally decided, yeah, I was going to do this, I thought this is great because there's all these people that I'm interested in, that I find fascinating, that now I'm going to get to, you know, ask questions that are on my mind for a change. So the title, I came up with the title

after a lot of false starts. You know, I was going to call it, I told you so. That didn't go over so well. That could come across, you know, yeah, okay. I thought that'd be a conversation stopper and sort of a starter. Welcome back to I Told You So. Yeah, exactly.

And so I found myself, especially, you know, as this pandemic took off and everybody was trying to figure out what the heck was going on and all the craziness around. You know, I found myself saying, you and me both. I mean, you know, I can't believe this. This is crazy.

You know, yeah, you and me both. So that's how we came. You and me both is a great title. I think what's nice about it is that, yes, it pertains to the current situation and what we've all been living through for the last four years and the madness and the fears that we all have.

But it also was a title that will serve you well when we're through all this and we will get through it. Yes. You and me both is, you can talk about anything. You can talk about grandchildren. And that's what I'm doing. You can talk about, you know, and I think that's the lovely thing about it

is that you're not tied to politics or policy. Exactly. You know, I mean, I did talk to John Legend about voting and about, you know, what he and others are doing to try to get, you know, the Florida state government to allow the people who have served their time to actually show up and vote.

But I also talked to Tan France about, you know, what do we wear in a pandemic? And, you know, you would not be surprised to hear him, you know, say when the, when that episode runs that, well, you know, yes, we're all wearing leisure clothing. Yes. And I just tried to wear nicer leisure clothing,

which, you know, I totally bought into. And I got to talk to Diana Nyad, who's like one of my really favorite people, because this is a woman who tried over and over and over again to swim. She was a long distance endurance swimmer. And then she quit after, you know, she did like around Manhattan

and all kinds of other great swims. She quit and became a sportscaster, but she had tried when she was younger in her, you know, 30s to swim from Cuba to Florida. And it's apparently a really, really tough swim because of the currents and the sharks and the box jellyfish, which can kill you and all the rest.

I had the best time talking to her. I mean, she stumbled out of the water on her fourth try at the age of 64. So, you know, a lot of encouragement there. So, you know, I'm trying to talk to people that I'm really interested in. And I love talking to you. Maybe someday, you know.

So maybe someday I'll do something impressive. Is that what you're saying? Maybe someday. You know, I've tried that, I've tried that Cuba swim and it's no fun. But, you know, there's other things you have done, which, you know, are not just in the public arena. They would be fun to talk about.

What is really fun is, and I think this is what you're going to enjoy the most. And this is what I have found over the years. There is the part of my job where I would entertain, as an entertainer, where I would need to speak to people who didn't necessarily have a lot to say, or weren't that introspective. And, you know, actors maybe who are very young

who hadn't had a lot of life experience. And I found myself really being drawn to people who maybe weren't as famous, but who had done something that blew my mind. You know, people that had, you know, walked across, you know, the South Pole and only brought, you know, three dogs with them and some beef jerky.

And I'm like, how did you do that? I mean, that is, I made that up. No one did that. But some people got close to doing that. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. You know, when we were chatting earlier and you said, give a motorcycle.

And I could tell, first of all, no one's ever asked me that before, because I think I don't seem like a motorcycle person. And the truth is, I love motorcycles and I have a motorcycle and I ride it a lot. And I really enjoy it. And I thought, that's so interesting. No one's ever asked me that,

but it's one of the first things Secretary Clinton asked me out of the blue. And I happened to have a long ride yesterday and was thinking this morning about how much I enjoyed it. And it's almost like you, you're just curious. You just want to know, hey, have you ever done that? Yeah. Yes, I have.

Well, also when we were talking, you promised to give me a ride, you know, either on the back or in a sidecar. And I'm going to hold you to it. Yeah, I think you'd be such a great, I just love the photo op. We could put the microphones in our helmets. We could do the podcast while we're on the road.

Would that be great? This would be like updating five easy pieces or something. I mean, the potential Conan, think of the potential. I think you and I could sell that right now. Here's the idea. The streamers, they are so hungry for content. Can you imagine how excited they'd be? Let's get this pitch straight.

Okay. Now, obviously it's your name first, because you're a historic figure and revered. So you're first. Alphabetically too. Yes, also. Although, you know, your criminal record, we'll have to look into that a little more, but.

I think that'll make us more attractive. Yes. Yes. Conan on the road with the ultimate badass, world-renowned criminal, Hillary Clinton. You and I, I'll ride the motorcycle. You and the sidecar and, or however you want to work it. I think we both need to be wearing giant goggles

because it's a funny look. Oh, of course. And then we stop occasionally. Leather. I mean, we got to wear leather. Oh my God. Leather. Don't you think?

Wait a minute. Yes. Yes. I love it. If you're going to wear a leather biker outfit, I'm down for this. You okay? I am down for this.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm down for this. No, I mean, I, you know, that's all over. I'm done with all the public life stuff. Really? Okay. So, all right.

All right. Good. Good. Well, I'm going to, I'm going to pitch this show in an hour. Oh, good. I'm going to pitch it. I understand that you will get the lion's share of the money. I know how these things work.

Oh no. We're going to go 50-50. Really? 50-50. I insist on it. Okay. All right. So, you're going to want like a profit participation.

You're going to want to have 20 percent. Oh yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. What do they call it? The back end or something? I don't know. You're talking, I've been forced out of the business long ago.

Can you imagine what your grandchildren would think? How many grandchildren do you have? I have three fabulous grandchildren. Wow. I have a six-year-old granddaughter and a four-year-old and one-year-old grandson. Oh my God. Can you imagine what they would say if you pulled up on a motorcycle? They would be so excited.

Are you kidding? Yeah. They would be beside themselves. They'd want to ride in the side of them. Well, I think we got to go for it. On the road with Conan and the grandkids. Yeah. No, we can't take them on the motorcycle.

We'll get a lot of blowback on that one. First of all, you want to be putting children to work on road crews and then you want them in a motorcycle. They need something to do. They're going crazy with Zoom learning. I know. They got to do something. I love that when I told you that my kids, just before we started the chat or just as

we were beginning the chat, I told you my kids were bored with Zoom learning and you said, well, they could work on building a road. Definitely be educational. Sure. Yeah. It's, you know, are you good? Let me ask you this. Are you good with the tech side of all this because I find that a little frustrating.

I'm sure you have people helping you. I do. Yeah. Let me be really clear. I am so, I guess, primitive, a beginner. I mean, you know, there's things I can do, but don't trust me with it. No. No.

So, I mean, my problem is I have a son who is 14 and he's very gifted with computers and very smart and intelligent about computers and he spends all of his time laughing at me because I'm like a caveman and I want to turn on the news and see what's happening, but I have the wrong remote and he says, no, it's not that remote idiot and no. Oh, really? Oh, really? So, that's how you think you download an app? Really?

And I'm humiliated all the time and so my assistant, you've been witness to this, right? Yes, every day. It's the most frustrating thing for sure. And I'm a total Luddite, a total idiot when it comes to technology. Right. And the simplest things, just searching for something on Google, you're like, I just don't remember how to do that. Oh, now I know how to do that.

I want to jump right in here and I want to be totally associated with your incapacity. I mean, I'll go a little way with you, but not to Google. You can't do that. Okay. You're willing to be somewhat self-deprecating, but then we got to a level where you can't follow me because I'm too stupid. That would be humiliated. I mean, self-deprecating is one thing, but admitting you don't know how to Google, okay.

That's a problem. You're treading me right now. I don't enjoy it. This is that. I could get this abuse other places. I can't believe. I love that you have this format. First of all, I think to show your curiosity and also let loose because I think my sense

is that in public life, and it's not just my sense, it's my, I'm absolutely certain of it, you know, with the culture wars and everything that you always have to be. I see it. Everyone always has to be couching what they say so carefully, and half the news media at least is always trying to get you to trip up and say the wrong thing or extrapolate what you said into something that's not what you said. And then to be in this format where you can, I don't know, I feel like we're sitting around having a glass of wine, and we're just-

Good idea. Good idea. Well, it's early. Secretary Clinton gets that. Well, it's earlier for you. That's right. It's three hours later for you. That's three hours later.

Okay. All right. Conan, I think, look, you make such a good set of points. I mean, it is a tightrope when you're in the public arena unless you lie with impunity and abandon, but if you're trying to get it right or you're trying to be responsive and responsible, and I'm afflicted with the responsibility, Gene, in my public career, yeah, and I would add there's an additional set of concerns around being a woman. I watched the debate with Kamala, who's a friend of mine, I talked with her a lot, thought

she did a great job, and some of the commentators afterwards said, well, she was kind of pulling back. No, she was projecting and talking and laughing and frowning like a real human being. But women's public appearance is still looked at through a different lens. So you just have to figure out the best way you can to deal with it and get through it. So yeah, I do think that being on the other side of that, as I am now, and especially in this format, which I feel really comfortable in, I was a big radio person growing up. We had the radio on in my house all the time, and even when I was a little girl and I'd

come home from school, I'd sit at the kitchen table and my mother would make tomato soup or something, and we'd listen literally to the radio because there was a soap opera on the radio in Chicago that coincided with my being home from lunch, and my mother loved. So I loved the format of radio, I loved the ease of being able to listen and be thinking or doing something else. So long comes podcasting, which is kind of like the radio 10.0, and it brings people back into that intimate listening experience, usually a host like yourself, and a guest like me or maybe a couple of people.

I find it, I don't know, I find it very relaxing, informative, and fun. Yeah. And I think it's also, I remember us talking about this after the podcast I did with you last year, and I think I was saying, if I remember correctly, but we were having a discussion about how, you know, for someone like you who people can take your image or your words when you're in a certain arena and they can do with it what they will, depending on what their intention is, what their predisposed political beliefs are, their biases. This is a format where I defy anybody to listen to us talking right now and have any kind

of problem with you because when the visual cues are taken away, and it's just the two of us chatting and you're saying, let's jump on a motorcycle and cone and you idiot, what do you mean you can't Google something on, do a Google search, they can, they get a sense of just you, just you. And I think one of the problems in our country right now is it's too easy to make someone another and any medium, any medium where someone can say, you know, I was listening to Hillary Clinton today and she was funny and relaxed and in the appropriate moment she was giving Conan a hard time because man, someone needs to, someone needs to call him on the rug for

a few things. That is, I think, something very powerful about this medium. I did want to bring up something that you mentioned, it's an admission on my part that I am somewhat embarrassed by the fact that I grew up in a liberal household with, you know, good, very hardcore Catholic parents and Democrats and I'm an Irish Catholic from Brookline, Massachusetts, so in the Kennedy Democrat mold and I grew up working for people like Congressman Drinan and Barney Frank and really being committed to a lot of those sort of core ideals of the Democratic Party, that's not been a big part of my comedy but that's

who I am, that's what I identify with. I remembered thinking, being surprised in the last 20 years, there was part of me I think was very naive and I think there was part of me that thought, yes, America has a terrible racial problem and that we've come a long way and maybe thinking we came further than we did and that was upsetting to me, you know, in the last 20 years to constantly be reminded that no, we haven't come as far as you may have thought we did, Conan, and then the second thing is I think I underestimated the misogyny in our culture and I feel badly about that because I know exactly what you're talking about, Kamala Harris clearly has to play

by a separate set of rules when she debates, basically a guy who looks like a Lego figure for a white man. It was a fly on his shirt. I know what the fly is like, yeah, but I mean, by the Lego, Legos just come out with a new figure, the white man figure and I was very aware now and I don't think I used to be that there's a set of rules and obviously I'm talking to you who knows better than anybody in the world, unfortunately, and you had to be, I think, the figurehead at the bow at the ship and there are other women before you, but this is very unfortunate that we've

all kind of, I think, had to find out together how much of a bias there is against women and, you know, as someone who's got a, as I say, a 16-year-old daughter, I want her to have a completely different experience. I think, thanks to you, she will and thanks to a lot of women like you, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and all kinds of women, I think my daughter's going to have a very different experience, but I have a lot of empathy for people like yourself that have had to go through it. Well, I really appreciate your saying that and I like the way that you kind of contextualized it, because I do think that we have to admit that we've made progress.

We've made progress in these two really thorny, difficult areas of our communal life, namely race and, you know, sex and we've seen racism and we've seen sexism that we've had to fight against and overcome and we've had to change laws and there's a constant pushback that sometimes is not as, you know, visible or effective as it can become. And so when I look at where we are, I think that Trump and his enablers gave a lot of permission to people to say things and act in ways that were deeply racist and misogynistic. And part of what I hope this election will be about is, you know, reclaiming any ground that's been lost and continue to push forward, because it's unfinished business.

I mean, if anybody has lived through the last months, how can you not see the need for a moral reckoning with systemic racism? I mean, how can you deny that? And I love, you know, the reaction by young people who seem to be much more impatient and just unwilling to accept that this can't be changed, you know, in the streets night after night, peaceful protesting. And I just hope that we can come together around this and admit that, yeah, you know, we've made progress.

I would certainly agree with that. But we still have a long way to go. And, you know, with respect to women, you know, thanks to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, we've knocked down a lot of the barriers and discrimination that had been enshrined in our constitution and our laws. But we still live with implicit bias. We still have people with a straight face say, well, I'd hire a woman if I could find a qualified one, you know, or I'd vote for a woman, just not that one or that one or

that one. Right. Right. You got any more? No. None of them. Yeah. So people need to have, you know, a certain level of, you know, honesty and self-reflection

like, hey, wait a minute, what do I have to do to do my part to, you know, make sure that, you know, black men and boys are not afraid to walk down the street and, you know, black women are not objectified and mistreated and women in general get, you know, like your daughter get to go as far as their hard work and talent will take them. So it's a critical moment because, you know, Trump embodied a lot of the, you know, the cultural pushback and it's something that is not going to go away if he loses, which, you know, hopefully he will. And we changed political directions.

We still have a lot of work to do. Yeah. I'm a big surprise, but a big Biden-Harris supporter, this is the shocking revelation in this podcast. Yeah. We won't tell anybody. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm curious, have you decided yet who you're voting for? This is a, I'd love to say like, now Secretary Clinton, I know that you're still undecided. Yeah. Who are these people that are undecided by these people? I don't know. Who these people? I love it. I love it.

They can always find someone and they can always... People who have an attention deficit, they need some attention. Yeah. No. They're always finding someone. Well, the election's tomorrow. Yeah. I'm still making a lot of money.

The United States has been embroiled in financial, racial, you know, half of the United States is on fire, unprecedented horrors under this administration. What do you think, insane reality contestant Donald Trump or seasoned, calm and moral Joe Biden? I don't know. Oh, I'd like to hear a little more about the crazy guy. Wait, Trump? Yeah.

I mean, do you like animals? Yeah. He likes animals. Well, maybe him then. No, Biden likes animals too. Well, then I'm still undecided. It is maddening. It is maddening.

It's so maddening. I'm so crazy. I just think, I mean, I know that you've lived in this world, but I don't, I just... I am not a political comedian. That is something that I've always stayed away from and not just because it's not... I've really wanted to be funny and I've wanted to be funny for a lot of people and I like to be funny or I try to be funny about what makes us human and what makes us inherently silly as human beings and not Republicans or Democrats and that's just always been sort

of how I go about it. But over the years, and I've had a very good... I had John McCain and Bob Dole on my late night show, Countless Times and... And they're both funny guys. Yeah, very funny guys. And just... and I remembered my introducing Senator McCain to my parents and he was lovely to them and they were floating on air and I also got the chance to introduce my parents to you once and they were my mom.

I've told you this before, but one of the early women to go to Yale Law School on a full scholarship, her father was directed traffic in Brooklyn, in Worcester, Massachusetts and made $55 a week and his daughter went to Vassar and then Yale on a full scholarship and she was just floored to meet you and like you, she encountered a lot of sexism along the way and just kept going. She was not bitter about it and took it in stride and kept moving and my experience has been... I shared a stage when I spoke at Dartmouth with the first President Bush and we had a lovely conversation about Ted Williams and the Boston Red Sox and he said

you got to come up to my house in Kennebunkport sometime and I said, well you don't mean that. If I think if I came over the wall, they would take care of me pretty quickly and he was laughing, but I met him and I met Barbara as well and they were absolutely lovely to me and I have a picture with them and it means a lot to me, so I'm not strident, but what I am strident about is morality and ethical behavior and justice and I think you do not have to be an ethicist to know that this president has completely undermined the norms of human behavior and as a dad, I'm embarrassed and I've several times said to my kids, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that this is the president that you've got.

Well, I really resonate to that because as somebody who's followed politics, been involved in greater or lesser ways for a long time, I've disagreed with Republicans, I've disagreed with Democrats, but it was always on the basis of some kind of policy difference or approach that I didn't think would work and they did or vice versa. This is an aberration, I've had the opportunity to meet a lot of presidents, Republicans and Democrats and on a human level as you're describing, you could feel the humanity, you could sense the values, the norms, whether you agreed with them or not, but you knew that this was a person who had thought a lot and really struggled and often overcame problems in his

or her own life. What we're going through now is just so different from anything that I think we've ever experienced really. So, I'm hoping that we end this experiment, this national nightmare in this election. Experiment is a very kind word for it. Well, it's crazy because it kind of was. It was, yeah. I mean, people were like, you know, what difference does it make?

These politicians, they're all alike, you know, I don't really know what they're going to do for me. Let's try this reality TV guy. I mean, how bad could it get? So now we have a lot of evidence. Right. Was that another possible title for your podcast? How bad could it get?

Yeah, how bad could it get? I told you so, I told you so. Well, I'm very thrilled to announce that the movie slash TV series, Biker Buddies, starring Secretary Clinton and Conan O'Brien riding across the country, one on the motorcycle. Do you already have a deal for us? Yes. It just came through. Wow.

Wow. It was a year from the people at Quibi. This is the best deal I could make quickly. At least I think I was talking to Quibi. I'm not sure. It seemed very chaotic on the other end of the phone. You know, I have to say it is, it's really is so much fun to talk to you. And again, I had the same experience I had the first time, which is you're just a delight

to chat with and you're somebody who you have the values that I respect, which is make yourself as intelligent as you can, read a lot of books, have some humility and work very hard. And you have done that. And I think you've done an immeasurable amount of good for people like my daughter. So I'm just, I'm proud, I'm proud to know you. And I'll be by tomorrow, I guess, just hang out maybe. Anytime. Literally, anytime.

You're saying anytime. Are you going to ship the bike? Yeah, I should probably ship the bike. I'll ship the bike and then I'll come by and, you know, we could get another side car if your husband wants in that could be on the other side. Yeah. But you know, maybe he gets, he gets, he's going to get in the way. He's going to kill our, he's, you know, we have a good chemistry.

Yeah, yeah, I think we could like send him ahead to do scouting for locations. Wait, he's a, the former president is a production scout that goes ahead and scouts locations. Wow. He would love it. He loves talking to folks. Oh, trust me, I know. I've, I, this is a true story. I did an event with your husband.

I just think it was a couple of years ago. You were there too. Yes, I was. And we were in. Was it Berkeley we were in? Yeah. We were at Berkeley for a Clinton foundation event. And so he did a great job and we did this Clinton foundation event and he did this terrific,

you know, he did a great job and my job was to ask him questions and sitting up there on stage and need a knee and he's talking and, and he's, you know, never at a loss for words. And then it's over. And I think we're going to be ushered away and your husband kind of follows us a little bit. And then he's talking not just to myself, but to you as well. Yes. Yeah.

And he's talking to us about ways to get fresh water to this part of Africa that needs better water and there's a, there's a way they can do it. And he's talking to us and he's going on at great length and his advanced team is tugging at his elbow and they can't get him to start to stop explaining because there's literally a line of 700 people that he's, is promised to get a photo with, but he can't stop talking about it. And then finally they're looking at me angrily, like, and I'm not saying anything. And I made a, I made a hand gesture like, what do you want me to do?

He's a, he's a former president. I can't say zip it. I know you can, but I can't. Yeah, I can. But he, but he really, you know, when he is talking to somebody like you, that he thinks, you know, this guy really could understand it or get it, appreciate it. He's, you know, he's hard to stop because he wants to kind of get it out and get you involved in it.

And, you know, I'm surprised he didn't call you and say, let's go to Africa and figure out how we're going to get water. I think he did. I just didn't take the call. I'll ride, I'll ride with you anytime on the motorcycle, but, you know, when he starts talking about fresh water, I just start to, you know, I want to help, but I can't hear all about it. Well, Secretary Clinton, thank you so much again, an absolute delight.

My best to your husband and to Chelsea and to your grandchildren. And like you, I've got my fingers crossed for better times. I think better times are going to come. I really do. You and me both, as I like to say. You and me both. Very good. You're already learning.

You're learning the tricks of the trade. You and me both and continue to have fun with your podcast and I'll be there anytime you need me. Well, I'm going to ask, okay, that means a lot to me. Well, the answer is no. I am very busy. That was too easy. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Take care of yourself. I will. A while back on the podcast, we thought we'd check in later to see how your hair is doing because you've decided not to cut it during quarantine and we want to check in with the progress. Well, I wouldn't call it progress. Right.

That would be a mistake. I have not had a haircut during this entire COVID misadventure that we're experiencing. It's getting extremely long in the back. Yes, it is. To the point almost, it's almost in man. I mean, I could put an elastic around it. I won't. Why not?

I don't like that look. Okay. Can you at least do it with your hands right now just to kind of show us and see? I mean, this is a really... Oh, look at that. There's a lot back here. You can really grab onto it. Wow.

Also, in the front, it gets down in my eyes. Oh, my God. I had someone say to me the other day who's known my family for a long time, you look exactly like your mom because I have... My mom and I look very much alike. Yes, you do. And now my hair, I think, is maybe longer than my mother's hair. Here's what I've noticed.

I'll step out of the shower. First of all, trying to shampoo hair. Yes. It's on a unit. You have a massive amount of hair. Like just to try and... A massive amount of hair. Well, you do.

It's insane. That's not a nice way to say it. But yeah, I have a lot... Listen, you have lovely hair. I have very thick, curly hair. Yes. Yeah. Massive.

Well, it's whatever. Anyway, it looks like you crashed into a hedge. What the hell? But my point is this, I have, and maybe you can relate to this, I'm in the shower and usually, you know, lather up and just... No, nobody needs details. Okay. Yes, you take a shower.

I'd like to hear. I rub the soap against my hard muscles. Okay, come on. The warm water. Okay. Running down the creases of my pectoral. Okay. My six pack.

Okay. And into coppery nether regions. Come on. But anywho. Everyone takes showers, everyone knows what you're talking about. Let's move on. Well, let's just say I... Work out.

Anyway. Okay. What you just did was horrible. Yeah, I need a shower after hearing you take a shower. Anyway, you know, whatever, I get out of the shower and I'll notice that I thought I dried off, my hair holds on to about, I want to say, six liters of water, right? And then it slowly runs down the back of my neck for the next six hours until it's soaking on my pant.

It looks like I've wet myself. What? Yeah. It just, it runs down my back. It gets on my... That sounds weird. Well, occasionally I do wet myself, I suppose. Oh, okay.

That makes more sense. Which adds to it. But it's got a kind of... People have told me it's kind of a surfer bro, dude. Yeah. Do you look very Californian? It's like a surfer mixed with Tony Tenille from Captain and Tenille. Do you remember her?

Oh. Yes. Great reference, Matt. Hey, you stay out of this. Captain and Tenille, yes. That's their reference from... I have to Google it. I want to say 1975.

It's very specific. Love will keep us together. Love will keep us together. How am I going to line that up? Think of me now and ever. Hey, do we have to pay for songs if I sing them on the podcast? I don't know. Because on TV, if ever I sing a song, my producer cuts it out and says, you shouldn't have done

it. We can't afford it. I'll never do that to you. But if I sing a song on the podcast, do we have to pay it? We'll find out. Love, love will keep us together. Wait, are we getting Adam? Are you saying we do have to pay for it?

Oh, yeah. Do we even that little snippet? Yeah, that was just a snippet. You know what? I dare someone to come after us. Oh, I dare Captain Antoneal to come after us. Well, Captain Cass. So, yeah, you're saying he looks like the female.

He was relieved of his command. Let's just leave it at that. Yeah, the female. He looks like the female. Okay. Yeah. He was saying, I think it's pretty. I didn't know that.

I didn't know which one was Antoneal. Well, her name's Tony. Well, yeah, it's not clear. Oh, okay. You're not going to get all of our references because you are younger than us. Yes. We're going to make a lot of references. I think Gourley and I are the Haldeman and Ehrlichman of podcasts with a little John Dean

mixed in. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay. I'm not afraid of an old reference. That's good. Yeah. For our young God.

Anyway. Keep going. I'm sure they enjoy it. Anywho. I'm just going to keep going for it. Yeah. And I'm curious what it's going to do. What's the end there?

Because when will you decide now I'm done? Is it something to do with the hair or something to do with COVID being over? I don't know. I will tell you this. The massive consensus is that people like it and this is not a joke. I like it. People prefer this to the iconic, and I'm calling it iconic, Conan Quaff. I don't like you saying it's iconic.

I don't know that. It's very like, oh, my hair is so famous. I'm Conan O'Brien. Look at my pompadour. It's iconic. It's okay if other people say it, but when you say it, it sounds kind of dicky. Well, I had to say it because no one else was saying it. That doesn't make it better, though, does it, though?

Do you think it does? I don't think so. When I'm gone, I bet you there's a good chance that my hair is removed, combed up into its quaff and put in the Smithsonian. Oh, okay. It gets a very good chance. How do they cut your hair off? Just to speak, the Smithsonian every day is checking to see if Conan's dead alive.

And they have a team that's ready to scramble, and they're going to say the minute they hear Conan O'Brien today was killed by his assistant, Sonoma Sessian. She finally had enough and fired a starburst at him, lodged in his throat, and he choked to death. Immediately, the Smithsonian scrambled the team to remove the hair from Conan's head where it's been combed up into its iconic pompadour, and it now rests next to the chair that Teddy Roosevelt was sitting in when he was told that World War I had begun. Okay, not the same, but okay, keep going.

Part of American history. It'll make you feel better. The Fonz's leather jacket is in the Smithsonian, and the chair that Archie Bunker's character sat in on All in the Family is in the Smithsonian. My real hair, removed from my dead body, will be in the Smithsonian for children to stare at and scream for all of time. Will it be on the form of a head or just lie there like a puddle of ginger hair? No, no, no.

What they will do is they will have it on a sort of a mannequin head. It will not be a mannequin head that resembles me, and I've requested that it be handsomer than me, so that I look better. Listen, this isn't just me, this is something I've already been asked by the Smithsonian about the hair. I don't think that ever happened. I would have taken that call probably, and I never... Plenty of calls come in while you're in the, in another area of the office, they say.

Oh, and you answer them? Well, sometimes I do pick up the phone. No, you don't. Yes, I do. The Smithsonian would not call you without me knowing about it, I feel like that's ridiculous. Well, your improv skills are amazing. That didn't happen. No, it didn't.

It didn't. You're supposed to yes and me. I don't care. I forgot. I don't do improv. Right. Anyway... You're assistant.

That's a true story, that's a true wish, and I do think I have iconic hair, but I will say, getting back to the original point, many people prefer this hair. I like, do you like this hair better? The overwhelming consensus I get from people is that I look younger. Yeah, you do. Oh, why? Why do I look younger? I think because it's a carefree, you know, it's a devil may care sort of, you're just

out there surfing sort of thing. Right. Maybe I should start wearing board shorts. Yeah. Just board shorts. No. Board shorts and flip flops. No.

And just a T-shirt. You can't. It says, like, bikini and spectra. You can't expose that much skin, so that's a no-go. Well, wear that with a full aqua suit underneath. Yeah. It fills out the body in there, yeah, I like it. I want to hear from our listeners, if they're cool with groovy surfer Conan, let us know.

And if anyone wants that ridiculous French pastry back on my head, I'd like to hear that as well. That's good because we're almost midway through the season and then maybe we'll do a final check in towards the end and see where things have gotten. If this keeps going, I'm going to have to start using my fingers to push my hair away from my face. You're doing, like, the Barbara Streisand hair part, right? You know what I mean?

Yeah. Because my hair is going to start falling over my face and I'm going to have to start using, you know, the way, and I don't... I'm doing it like that. Well, because we've talked about it before and we'll talk about it again, the selling sunset. Oh, God. Oh, no.

Oh, you're upset. The realtors, if they are real realtors, which one's nice that they're not. They all got their online certificate rather quickly. Anyway, they all use their hair is so perfect that they all use the very tips of their fingers to pull their hair back and, you know, Crescelle does it all the time, and of course, Christine does it. Hi, I'm Conan. I love that you want to emulate women, but you haven't cited how men push their hair

back. Men don't... Men are the inferior species. I really believe that. I agree. Yeah. Men are replaceable. We're dying out fast.

I'm smart. What? I'm smart and then I'm very gender, it's vague. My gender is vague, I think, and now I have very long hair. And I think when the revolution comes and women rise up as they should, I think they'll take me along because they'll be like, she looks nice. So you're growing out your hair so you can blend in with women when we rise up. I'm no dummy.

Okay. This is the real reason for this hair growth, it sounds like. And that's smart. Yeah. Good. Well, anyway. Please send us cards through the mail. What?

Yeah, because the post office is not overloaded right now and not being used for anything more important. So send us your cards and letters telling me which of my hairstyles you prefer and now we'll be taken care of before mail-in ballots. Well, we're trying to count the mail-in ballots, but there seems to be millions of... Millions. Postcards about Conan's hairstyle clogging up the mail. The U.S. mail was given up and Trump's been declared the automatic winner.

And if you want to blame someone, Conan O'Brien, the idiot narcissist who demanded everyone mail in a postcard about his hair, is to blame. What a waste of time. Yeah. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Saks, Joanna Salatarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already, please subscribe

to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.