Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Hometown Dermatologist

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

Conan talks to dermatologist Tim from his very own hometown of Brookline, MA about getting a full body exam and whether Conan would be tasty if consumed. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey, Tim, meet Conan and Sona. Hello. Hi, everybody. Hi, Tim. How are you? I'm well. How are you doing?

I'm good. I'm told your name is Tim. What's your last name? My last name is Dang, D-A-N-G. Like, Dang! Yeah, I've never heard that before. I know, honestly. But you must get that all the time. Like, Dang! It's Tim. I would do that seven times a day if I knew you.

It happens to me probably about seven times a week. It's pretty common. No, no, no. You don't understand. Tim, if I was in your life, every time I saw you, I'd be like, Dang! And then I'd turn to a camera that wasn't there and go, it's Tim. And you would start to hate me for it,

but eventually you'd start to think it was even funnier than it was before. I think I would be obligated to kind of, like, laugh out of, you know, just to make sure that we were all on the same page. Tim, laughs out of obligation, that's how I made my career. So, now tell me a little bit about yourself. Tim, what would I like to know about Tim Dang? Well, I am living in a little town called Brookline, Massachusetts.

What? You're living in my hometown? Yeah. Which part of... I'm in your old place. I'm in Cluj Corner. Your old place? My old place. I hope you don't have a blue light.

Oh, come on. No, I committed murders there. It's not a masturbation joke. Well, wait a minute. I committed murders while masturbating. Is this getting off the rails? I'm sorry. I think we're like 30 seconds into this and we've already

hit that point. So, from here it's going to be nice and comfortable. Dang, Tim. You called it. Sorry. There's going to be a few more of those before we're done. Wait, you're in Cluj Corner. Cluj Corner used to be my jam.

When I was young, I would go hang out in Cluj Corner. They used to have a McDonald's there and a movie theater across the street. The McDonald's is gone, but the movie theater is still there. The movie theater is still there. The bookstore is still there. Yeah. Cluj Corner, that is not far from the house that I grew up in.

In fact, I was back in Brookline a week and a half ago and visiting my parents on the same house that I grew up in. So, Brookline is still near and dear to my heart. I hate to make this about me, Tim, but do you think Brookline honors the fact that I'm there sufficiently? Okay. So, you know, it's curious that you asked that because I kind of had the same question too.

It's fair. I googled this. I googled Conan O'Brien Boston just to see what would pop up. And what I love is that all of the news articles that are coming out of Boston, when they mention you, they mention like Brookline's Conan O'Brien. Yes. As if like you wouldn't be recognized except that they're telling

you where you were born. Yes. I'm very happy that I think a statue wouldn't be inappropriate. Oh, JFK's from there. I know. John F. Kennedy's from there. And John F. Kennedy was born in Brookline, Massachusetts on a house, I think, on Beale Street, which is right near Cluj Corner.

So, I was going to say, let me tell you where I was born, which is Yorba Linda. Does that city ring a bell to you? Yes, it does. Yorba Linda, California, which is a birthplace to Nixon. That's correct. Right. Isn't that fascinating?

This is fascinating. You're from the birthplace of Nixon. I'm from the birthplace of Kennedy, two men who debated each other. I think you and I are destined to debate each other to decide. We have a little bit more destiny as well. So, I am also a dermatologist. What? Wait a minute.

What does that have to do with me? I'm a dermatologist. And I work at the same hospital that your father works at. Oh, my God. Brigham and Women's Hospital. That is correct. Oh, yes. My dad works at Brigham and Women's Hospital in microbiology.

And you worked at Brigham and Women's Hospital in dermatology. You grew up in Nixon's birthplace. I grew up in JFK's birthplace. We are destined to fight each other. Probably. Yeah. And the winner becomes the president of the United States in 1960. That's a great comment.

Tell me about being a dermatologist. I've always heard that of the professions, the doctoring professions, that's the easiest gig. Is that so? Well, there is a stereotype about lifestyle specialties and what you would want to go into if you were in medicine. And dermatology is up there because it's a nice balance of having time and being well compensated and being able to help people in a way that's very meaningful. It's a weird job, I will say, in general.

Well, first of all, let's cut to the chase. If you're a dermatologist, you get to go home at five in the afternoon. That's how I was able to make this interview. Correct. And there's no call at three o'clock in the morning. Quickly get over here. There's something very slowly growing on my arm over a six-year period that needs your immediate attention.

That never happens, does it? The calls happen all the time. Whether it's appropriate is a different question. So we'll get those calls, but at 3 a.m., you're never really excited about it. There's no emergency in dermatology. You've got plenty. Look, if someone comes to you way too late, all you can do is shrug and go, uh-huh.

But, um... Oh, my God. Well, I'm sorry. What? No. But most of the time, you're like, well, we better cut that out just to be sure. Or in a few years, that could be a real problem. Yes?

There are a few dermatology emergencies, none of which I typically recommend for patients or anybody in the general public to Google because they are very traumatizing to look at. I mean, sometimes we'll get that 3 a.m. phone call where we're actually called in, and it's actually an emergency. Okay. And at that point, we're like, okay, this was real. All right, but that's very rare.

For the most part, you pick the most comfortable of the doctoring professions, in my opinion. 100% I'm very happy with the doctoring profession that I have chosen. That is correct. I'd like a little advice. I'm sure maybe you've seen me on television or maybe a close-up of my hands. I go and see a dermatologist to get screened for cancer about every six hours. First of all, I'm covered. I am covered in freckles.

I was sent to the beach often as a child because my parents would say, just please go near the water. And if you drown, that's just one less of many children. And they didn't have sunblock back then. And so my mom would just put a white Hanes t-shirt on me, which reflected more light onto me, and I'd come home with second-degree burns. Thanks, mom. Love you.

Anyway, my point is, I'm a mess. I'm a dermatological mess. Would you agree to treat me, because a lot of dermatologists don't even want to get close to me. Would you agree to treat me? Yeah, I would. I think with a healthy degree of skepticism. But yes.

You'd look at my body skeptically. I would take everything you say with a grain of salt. Okay. But agreeing with me. Yes. Yes. 90% is nonsense. Now, you would have to look at me completely naked.

Oh, God. Would you be able to do that? Unfortunately, yes. So part of this profession is learning how to look at naked bodies of people whom you've met about three minutes ago. It's very fast that we're like, oh, it's welcome. Welcome to our practice. It's really nice to meet you.

My name is Tim Dang. I'm the resident physician here to see you today. It looks like you're here for a full body skin check. And then, boom. And then they take everything off. So within three minutes, you're going from, oh, so nice to meet you to seeing their, their Don Johnson and everything. We see a lot.

It's a lot of skin every day. Just so much skin, lots of freckles, very pasty white, lots of things. Okay. Well, that makes me feel better about myself. Anyway, I'm proud that you are, you seem like a nice guy. You seem like a very smart guy. You're out there helping people. These are all positive things.

And you're representing Brookline in one of my favorite parts of Brookline Coolidge Corner. And so that makes me feel good. That makes me feel really good. And let me ask you this, Tim. I do visit Brookline quite a bit to see my parents and sort of try and take home heirlooms. What? You just go home and steal things from their child?

Oh, hi, mom. Hi, dad. It's really good to see you. I love you. And then I drift out of the room. And then I guess the thing you hear is you hear the sound of silverware being put into a bag. And then I say, got to go, clank, clank, clank.

Okay. Anyway, if I was in the neighborhood and I wanted a dermatological checkup, would you be comfortable doing that with me or not? I would. Yeah, you would. I think there are a number of people in prominent places, I will say, that I have been the privilege of serving as their physician. And it's actually really nice.

It's very democratic. You know, I think being a doctor is really democratic. You get to see a lot of people and you kind of get a drop that veneer of privilege and of celebrity when you're in the office. No, no, no, Tim, we're not dropping that with me. When I remove my clothes and stand before you naked with my Don Johnson out, you are still to treat me with awe and reverence that all celebrities of my stature do. We're like two seconds away from the lawsuit.

Can you do a dermatology screening without doing bits, though? I feel like... I have never done it. I've never done any medical procedure or participated in one without making it a bit. There you go. I think that's something you have to prepare yourself for, Tim. Right. It's the bits that'll get me, right?

Yeah, yeah. I think that people come in and it's supposed to be kind of a serious thing and then... Yeah. I don't know. That's why my healthy dose of skepticism, you come in, you start telling me stuff. I want to know that I can believe you, but it's going to be like a boy who cried wolf situation. Yeah, this is how goofy I am.

I had to get an MRI about a year and a half ago and just before they put me in the machine, I loaded my mouth up with paper clips and when I was in there and they started, I opened my mouth and they just went shooting all around the room and two people got badly hurt. And so that's a whole other legal thing I'm doing. That's the kind of shit that I pull when I'm seeing a doctor or having a procedure. Or calling his penis a Don Johnson, by the way. That's another thing. By the way, I don't think Don Johnson would mind.

Well, Betty, you call your penis Don Johnson. Yes. It's getting the word out again about Miami Vice Star Don Johnson. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's a cockaroo. It's a cockaroo. It's a cockaroo. Oh, look at that.

He's taking a sip of a liquid to congratulate himself. Tim Dang, is there anything I can do to help you? You're helping people in the world by looking at their naked bodies and removing something that may or may not be a problem in 15 years and that's critical work. 15 years. How can I help you? Do you have a question I can answer? I do.

And it's kind of a question all for the three of you. So to Sona and to David and to you, Conan. Actually, first of all, Sona, congratulations on coming back from eternity. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. That's really nice. Oh, I should probably congratulate you too.

Yeah. You didn't even acknowledge it. I just walked in. We haven't seen each other in months. Yeah. Oh, right. Babies came out of you. Congratulations.

As a quick aside. So how old are your little ones now, Sona? They're three months old. Okay. So for the next three months, you can still enjoy this thing, which you probably have already realized too. But if you stroke their palm, they will curl their palm around you and it's like they're holding your little finger.

If you ever need a moment of support and you just want somebody to hold your hand to stroke their palm and they'll just gently hold your finger. You know, I've noticed they hold onto my finger. I didn't know about the stroking of the palm thing. I'm going to try that. That's so. Yeah. As long as they have some kind of stimulus there, they'll just hold it.

Tim, is it weird? I'm 58 and I still do that. If anyone, I mean, if a hobo on the street slightly strokes my palm, I hold onto his finger and get this beatific smile on my face. That might be pathologic. Yeah. All right. So my question for the three of you would be as a little icebreaker for all of us.

If you, Sona, and you, Conan, and you, David, were all stuck on a deserted island together, would any of you be comfortable if the other two ate you, if you died? Oh. Would we be comfortable? Yeah. I will go first. I have no problem with anything that happens to my body after I'm gone. No problem whatsoever.

If people, because I'll be gone and this hideous carcass will be left behind and this husk, this freckled husk, and I just want it to, if it can be of service in any way. So if people want to fry me up like spam and eat me in cutlets, that's fine. If people want to fill me with stuffing and then, and pretty much taxi Jeremy me and then just beat the shit out of me every day till the stuffing comes flying out and that gives them pleasure, go for it. I don't have any ego about what happens to my body after I'm gone. What if you don't die first and we have to choose one of us to kill and eat?

Will you sacrifice yourself for us? No, obviously no. Oh, okay. No. I'm an important figure. We all know I'm going to be the one murdered. Yeah, that's probably true, David. I'm sorry.

You're good eating. I'm just going to say. I've accepted it. Yeah. So I have no problem. Do you have a, do you have a, I don't have a fetish or phobia about what happens to my body after I'm gone. I'm not like some ancient Egyptian ruler who needs to be mummified and prayed over with

incense. I say shove me in a, in whatever you want to do. Leave me in a field. Do you think you'll taste good? What are you, are we back to that? I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about eating each other's bodies. No, I'm not sure I would.

I think I'm a bitter person. Oh. I think, yeah. I think it, you'd bite into me and it'd be like this tangy bitterness from just years of self-loathing that would, that would not be good. What about you, David? You think it'd be a delicious, uh, eat? I don't, I'm fine if you guys have to eat me.

I don't know if I'd be good. Oh, okay. That's my exact answer to. You would be delicious. I think I'm going to be delicious. Oh, yeah. Tim, you don't think you'd be good? I think you'd be good too, Tim.

I'd eat you. You can feel free to eat me. That's fine. I think I, you know, after I'm gone, if I can be of service to you, still wonderful. Tim, you're very thin. That's all I'm going to say. I think there'd be a lot of, there'd be a lot of gristle. There'd be a lot of, you know, I'm not sure.

I know he has got, you've got great smooth skin. I could tell you. Yeah. The skin. You take care of your skin. We're talking about the, not the skin. We're talking about the protein, the muscle. It's ostensibly the least edible part of me.

Yeah. Yeah. The skin is not the part that people chow down on. I would chow down on it. It's the best part of a chicken. Why wouldn't it be the best part of a human? Best part of a potato. I don't know about that.

It is true. No. Potato skins. It's fantastic. Yeah, but you do that because of the toppings, not the skin. Well, I'm sure we'd have sour cream when we were eating. In our dessert, didn't we? When we were Tim Dang.

And I'd be like, dang, Tim's good. Come on, I did it one last time. Tim, do me a favor. Just all, for the next week, just walk around Brookline and say, wow, can you believe Conan O'Brien lived here? Just out loud and act really enthusiastic. That's sad. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but I want him to do that. And like maybe go up to a mailbox and go, man, hey, look everybody. A post office box that maybe Conan O'Brien used. And just do it about the most mundane objects. Please. I don't know if they'll go for that. Let's see. Maybe they'll build you a nice little library here too.

I hope so. I need something from that town. I did a lot for Brookline. Did you? I'm thinking, no, I didn't. I think you did. I moved on. No, no.

I think if I mentioned the O'Brien's, they'll probably be like, oh yeah, his father. Yes, my dad's, my dad's the famous one in Brookline. That's actually true. He's clearly, my mother and father are respectable. I told one of my attendings that I was going to be chatting with you today. And she said, oh yeah, his dad works here. He's a nice guy. And that was all I got out of it.

That's why I left Brookline. Because whenever my name came up, people would go like, oh yeah, his dad's quite the guy. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm getting out of here. I'll show everybody. And I didn't. Well anyway, Tim, you're doing good work. Very nice talking to you. You seem like a very cool guy.

And I hope I run into you because I swear to God, I'm in Brookline many times a year. And I do make my way over to Coolidge Corner every now and then. So I'll be looking for you. If I see you, I'll give you a shout out. Oh, you'll know me when you see me. Probably from across the street, you can say Conan. That thing on your neck doesn't look good. I'll look for the guy who's saying, oh, did you know Conan O'Brien's from you?

Look at this guy right here pointing to myself. Doesn't he look like Conan O'Brien? As you're nudging passersby and just gristly ignore you. Trust me, Tim, that is exactly what my life will be like when I go to Brookline next. Hey, Tim, thank you so much. Really nice talking to you. This was fun. See you as well.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Bekton, please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Music. This episode was produced and edited by me, Brett Morris. Music. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.