Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Howie Mandel

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Comedian and actor Howie Mandel feels fantastic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Howie sits down with Conan to talk about why one must own a bidet, his very first onstage experience, and his podcast Howie Mandel Does Stuff. Plus, an exclusive bonus edition of Big Dick History, live from the Wiltern Theatre! Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Howie Mandel, and I feel, and then in brackets it says, however you feel about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Oh, trust me. No, I could say acid reflux with a little bit of... You know what's incredible? We haven't even been able to get this interview started. Well, because you got a whole script. It says, I'm supposed to say however I feel.

Let's try it. Just try it. Just please... I feel fantastic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Are we friends? I think we are. Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm joined today by my trusty companions, Sona Mufsesian, Sona.

Conan. Nice to see you. And of course, filling in for Matt Gorley, who is on maternity leave, is Sona's assistant. It's absurd every time I say it. David Hopping, how are you, David? I'm good, Ariel. I'm good. Today is going to be a little interesting because it is my wife's birthday today.

Oh. And well, you know this. I did. But nice. I don't know why you pretended not to know. I don't either. I know. I think I just...

You're always very honest. Isn't that nice? Your strength is that you're always yourself and always honest. Yeah. And you just did this big fake, oh. I know. I don't know why I did that. Right.

So you're going to learn a little something about me, which is I have some abilities and skills. There are things I'm good at, and then there are things I'm terrible at. Okay. I'm terrible at wrapping presents. Yeah. Awful at it. It really does look awful.

And I try and I try to like measure out the edges and do it, but I can't do it. And I realized my wife's a stickler. She was one of two kids. She just has one sister and a very small family. And so all the presents were wrapped. Like even the presents from quote Santa are wrapped on Christmas Day. My parents were both really busy and they had six kids that were all born several hours apart.

It was a madhouse. And so nothing was ever wrapped. Literally. It was just like, here's your present. And then chuck something at you. And it was just in however you bought it at the Five and Dime, that's how it was. That was it. You know, there was no wrapping.

There was no time for that bullshit. Aw, wait. Nothing was wrapped. So it was in the back that it was geeky. Oh, my brother Neil would just go to the store and he'd buy, you know, he'd basically go to whatever leach mirror, which was the outlet in the Boston area and he'd get you whatever gift it was. It was in the plastic bag and he'd whip it at you.

And the thing would sell out. And there was no wrapping and, you know, it was, oh, wow, that's great. Look at that. You know, half a Rubik's cube. So anyway, I, Sona, I came today, fortunately, a couple of the gifts that I got my wife are wrapped already, but I got her this book and this is going to come out after her birthday. So I can say it, but it's a, you know, she and I both love David Sideris. So it's David Sideris' new book.

This is not an ad or anything. It's just, I bought her his diaries, which is cool. It just came out, Carnival of Snackery. And I was like, oh, my wife will love this. I'm going to get this for her, but it's not wrapped. And I know that she's a stickler in my house, there'd be no wrapping. So I'm going to be like, oh, here's your book and just chuck it and this is a hard cover. So this would catch me by on the jaw, you know, and my brother Luke would have whipped

it at me, but it needs to be wrapped. And so Sona, I asked you to bring wrapping paper and Sona is a really good gift wrapper. She's the best. She's, you're so good at it. Yeah. I don't know why you're so good at it, but you are. It's the paper. What?

It's the wrapping paper. What do you mean? It's the right wrapping paper, if you get shit wrapping paper, then it sucks. Okay. Just more than that. You actually, so I was going to ask you, can you wrap this for me right now? You brought the wrapping paper. Yeah.

Of course I can. Can you do this right now? Oh yeah. And I also, But you can be doing it. I've got the scissors. I want to ask you. I want you to wrap this for me.

And now you all know that, yeah, I did get my wife a book. I got her a couple of, I got her something that I think she's going to really like. And then I get her, you know, little things, you know, little things here and there. This is a book. It's like butter. What's that? Do you get the right paper? Yeah, that kind of thing.

You go through it like butter. Okay. It's honestly the best feeling in the world. Okay. And I'm a mom now. Yeah. And I still think that's the best feeling in the world. But are you going to do that?

Are you going to wrap every gift for your children? Of course. I'm not going to chuck it at them. Seriously, nothing was wrapped. I've never, I never saw a wrapped gift until I left home and went out in the world. And then people started handing me gifts that were covered in paper. And I didn't understand because we grew up like animals. Yeah.

I'm sorry. We really did. Yeah, you did. And my wife will gift wrap like a cookie. And it's not even an occasion. You know what I mean? At meals, you know, it's like, I'll say like, hey, I'd like some ice for my drink. And there's like a gift wrap cube of ice that she's put together.

She's constantly gift wrapping every single thing. This is a little awkward because I'm on the table doing this. That's all right. Give me a little stuff. All right. No, I'm good. I have another question for you because I know you did a lot of hand-me-downs. When people went shopping for gifts for you, did they just go to their closet?

Well, okay. Famously, I say famously, but in our house it was famous. My father would, my father, we would give him gifts. He'd be like, oh, that's so nice, but he's very particular about if he would use the gift or not. And often he'd be like, oh, that's very nice, and then he'd take it upstairs and he'd put it in his study and then quite possibly not use it. And then it would hang around his study, all these presents that he never used and he wouldn't

even take them out of the box. Like they weren't wrapped, but we could see them. And so my brother Luke once waited a couple of Christmases and noticed that my father had never used the clock radio that Luke got him three years earlier and that it was still in the original packaging in my father's study over in the corner with a bunch of other gifts that he had never even bothered to use. And so my brother Luke took it out and gave it to him again three Christmases later and my father went, well, this is fantastic.

Did he notice? He didn't notice. Oh my God. My father didn't notice. And he was like, isn't this fantastic? Oh, and look, it has AM and FM. Well, look at that. Isn't that wonderful?

He went right back upstairs and went back into the study and wasn't used. Did you ever call him out? You don't call my father out on anything, David. I've never had an emotionally honest conversation with my father in my life. I love my dad. I want him to know that. And the only way he'll ever know is because I'm saying it now on this podcast and maybe someone will repeat it to him.

That's how Irish Catholic we are, but I can't believe, you are, you are, you are, I just called you Nev, my daughter's name, because you, I think of you as a very immature child. Anywho, you, um, that's beautiful. You did that just while we were here babbling, and I was having a major breakthrough about my dad. A breakthrough? Were you really having a breakthrough? Come on.

Well, I mean, the thing about him, you know, never get the gift that he, that's pretty fun. I'd like one time, I'd like him to have said like, oh, I like this and then you actually use it, but that never happened. No. It's too particular, too particular and finicky about exactly what he wanted. But anyway, um. Why didn't you just ask him when he wanted?

Because I'm afraid what he might have told me. What was he going to tell you? A better son? Oh, no. Exactly. A son that didn't disappoint. Wow. That was, you know what?

That was funny. Slash, true, I don't know why I put the Sergio Leone, Good the Bad and the Ugly soundtrack at the end of that. But, um, well, there you have it. Sona just beautifully wrapped this gift for my wife. And by the time you hear this, she will have unwrapped it and said, clearly, Sona wrapped this. Anyway, thank you for doing that, Sona.

You're welcome. And, uh, David, thank you for watching and adding really nothing to the process as far as I know. Are you a good rapper? No. Okay. Not at all. All right.

Well. Sona tried to teach me several times at the office. It never, it never worked. I guess you need me for something. I actually do. We found out what it is you do. Okay. On that positive upbeat note.

Positive. I guess today is a comedian, actor and judge on the NBC series, America's Got Talent. He also has a podcast, Howie Mandel Does Stuff Available Wherever. You get your podcasts. Uh, he's a good man. Howie Mandel, welcome, sir. Are we friends? I think we are.

I think we are. What makes you think we are? Well, okay. I'm going to tell you why. Because I think we have certain things in common. Yeah. Okay. But don't we, don't you have things in common with like millions and millions of people?

I mean, we can all, we could check a lot of. Oh, no, no. I think I'm on. At breakfast. Okay. Well, that's. Wearing socks. Well, I'm not wearing socks.

You're not wearing socks. And I didn't have breakfast. You're wearing socks. You're lying. No, no. That's not socks. I had my feet tattooed to look like socks so that I would never have to wear socks. My daughter, I talked to her out of, in college, putting a tattoo of a camel on her

toe. Oh, God. You told your daughter to do that? No, I talked her out of it. Oh, you talked her out? I thought you said you talked her into it and I thought you monster. No, why would I? Because you're a monster.

No, I'm a father. So I talked her into it. I said, I get the joke. I really, I get it, camel toe. But how funny is that going to be like in 30 years every fucking day to look down at your little joke on your foot? You know what I said? So we have a writer who worked on our show for many years, very, very talented guy.

And he just kept getting more and more tattoos and more and more tattoos and there's sort of, you know, cartoon characters and all this and he kept adding to it. And finally I just looked at him in the writer's room one day and said, all you're doing is entertaining the coroner. Like you're going to be on a, we're all going to be on a slab one day and the guy is going to pull the sheet off and he's just going to be going, oh, look, oh, there it is. Oh, cool. Oh, and look at this one right here.

So what you're doing is you're making a comic strip page for the man who's going to do your autopsy. He gives him some reading while he's. Exactly. While he's examining. Yes. Howie, thank you for coming in here. We have so much in common.

I thought we had a lot in common. I think. Apparently we don't. You have a guy named Rich whose job is just to blast into Zoom. He actually zooms in. Can I have a question? When you're having a sort of a passionate interlude with your wife, does he suddenly show up and go, Howie?

Howie, what's going on? What's up? Did she just show up out of nowhere at the worst moment? Yeah, when I'm going to boom, he's got a Zoom. All right. We're not going to have if, listen, I'm against any. She likes it. I like a menage à trois, but as a, you know, a germaphobe, I like the third person to be

on Zoom. Yeah. Or wearing a hazmat suit. Let's start with this, because as I said, we're all experiencing the worst pandemic anybody's seen in a century. And for years, I would interview you on my various late night shows. I think I had 35 different late night shows. Yeah, I did all of them.

But now it's fascinating to me. This is like the last time I saw you. It's like the last time I saw you was, no, not the last time, two nights, two times ago, it was your show on TBS, but big audience and a band and everything. And then you said, I'm reconfiguring. And then I came back and it was just not real band, no band, two seats in front of the audience. And now we're kind of the third time I was going to get smaller and smaller. So I would imagine, and I'll get booked for your picnic, are you going to just lay out

a blanket and we'll have a share of sandwich? I'm going to see how small I can get this before I absolutely just disappear. So it's going to be me in a phone booth and you're just going to join me and we're going to share a glass of wine and it won't even be recorded. That's going to be my next show. It's called Waste of Time with Conan O'Brien. So but I do have to ask you this. For years, you were the guy, you know, whenever you'd come on the show, I'd be reminded by

the second producer, Frank Smiley, he'd say, remember Howie, you know, don't shake his hand, don't hug him, you fist bump him. And I'll admit, we all thought, what's Howie's deal? What is Howie's deal? Now you've been proven right. Do you feel some sense of sick satisfaction that all this time you were right and we were wrong? You know, I've made jokes and the word Howie in Latin means told you.

But I in all honesty, no, no, there's no there's no comfort in right, right, right, of course. And the truth of the matter is this and people say to me often like now are you this might make you feel more comfortable because everybody's wearing masks or concerned about spreading dirt. And honestly, you know, with OCD, there was something comforting, comforting of breaking out of a spell or being in the midst of an OCD or, you know, my mysophobia and having people saying Howie, don't worry, don't worry, you'll be fine. Nobody is sick here.

Nobody. There's nobody to say that now so that, you know, I know there's a saying that says misery enjoys company. I wish that nobody else was in this misery with me. But now with the world in the middle, I feel like I'm in this nightmare that I can't wake up out of. So all kidding aside, I mean, that's not funny or anything. That's the thing about this podcast is not only does it not have to be funny.

I'm incredibly medicated now that I am as we speak. Are you really? Yeah. What are you on? Can you talk about it? I don't because I'm not a doctor, but I'm doing fine and I don't want and a lot of other people suffer from anxiety and depression and OCD and and they I think that they got to do whatever they do and they shouldn't listen to me.

Right. I think that's the actual medications for fear that someone might think I got to be on them. Yeah. I think that if you have an issue, then go talk to somebody and it doesn't even have to be a doctor. Go talk to your friend. Go talk to just talk about it and remove the stigma and find out what, you know, what

your coping skill is. So I have a lot of coping skills, but one being medication. And the other one is I can't sleep without my gummies and my oh, let's get into this. Okay. Do you take gummies to go to sleep? I do. So I think you should jump in here because my assistant, so now she's been on the wagon for a while because she just gave birth to twins.

So the whole time she was carrying the twins and do you know if they're boys or girls or is it going to be a surprise? They're boys. They're two boys. Oh, you had a. She's had them already. They're there. No, I know, but some people hold off because of the pandemic on the gender reveal party

till like when it's safe to have a gender reveal party. Yeah. She hasn't looked at their crotches yet since they were born. She's going to wait to find out. Yeah. No, we have no idea yet. No, they're two beautiful boys. And why is she?

Why should she be involved in my gummies? She's jumping in because I'm a big gummy fan. Are you not allowed to after birth? You're not allowed to take me. I'm breastfeeding. So I'm telling you, your kids will sleep through the night. It is amazing. Okay.

So you're not going to to be responsible. You don't want to reveal the name of your medication, but you're telling all women who are pregnant or just given birth have some gummies because it'll chill the kid out when they have that sweet, sweet gummy milk. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I'm really responsible. I'm a responsible broadcaster.

I don't know that weed is anything. I didn't say that I wouldn't. The reason I'm not telling people my medication is because what works for me may not work for anybody else. And I'm telling you that I don't understand the difference between my medication and weed. I do. Weed doesn't feel like my medication.

I feel like I'm being organic. I know. I feel like that. Weed is like the kale of prescription drugs. Yes. Yeah. Don't you think so? Yeah.

No one likes kale and everyone seems to like weed. Do you do that? How do you smoke? I do not. No, no. I don't smoke. You know, one of my last late night shows, before we wrap that up, I was handed by Seth Rogan a joint and I decided to just smoke it on the air because I thought screw it.

Who cares at this point? And it turned out it wasn't a big problem. It would have been a huge problem in the 90s or early 2000s, but this was a different era. And so actually put the wrong end in my mouth accidentally. People thought I was being funny, but I honestly don't smoke pot. I've never really done any drugs. And the times that I've tried pot, it doesn't really do anything for me.

It just... Yeah. What do you think my issue is? As a real pothead, so no. Okay. Diagnose me. Why do I not? What do you mean?

What happens when you smoke? Nothing. Nothing. Well, maybe because it's not lit and it's in your mouth backwards. But... Oh, maybe that's it. I think it's because you're big. What?

Because you're tall. Then you didn't smoke enough. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I inhaled. And over the years... So you're saying it does nothing. It does something...

I just didn't feel it. I don't... It's something I enjoyed. I think I'm... I might be too... What would you call me? Wound up. Yeah.

Be tight. I think that you... Yeah. I think that also you'll take like one. He'll take maybe one. And then he'll be like, oh, I don't want to get addicted to marijuana. So you didn't... You have never gotten high.

That doesn't mean you haven't sucked on a joint. You've never gotten high. So you don't know... You can't comment on it until you decide... Yeah. Probably not. Probably not. Right.

That's like saying, you know, I had a sip of alcohol. I never really liked the taste. And it does nothing for me. Well, drink the whole glass. Okay. And then another glass. This is good advice. This is really good advice.

This is telling you how to become an alcoholic or a pothead. People... There's so many shows where they tell you... Hey, Irish guy. Hey, Irish guy. You know what you should do? You should keep drinking and then keep drinking more. And if you feel that you're losing control, that means you're on the right track.

You're going. I gotta say that I cannot smoke, pot, or take gummies in public. And because I get incredibly paranoid. I live paranoid anyway of other... I know. You're paranoid constantly. Right. But apparently, I don't know what the difference is, but late at night where I'm not good by

myself and I'm not good in the quiet and my head is louder than ever and the voices in my head are and shoulda, coulda, woulda of everything that I did that day and concerned about how I affected somebody else negatively by something I said or something I sent. It's just horrible. So that late at night, I will take enough gummies to knock the shit out of me and then I wake up in the morning and it's a new day. And during the day, it's kind of easier for me to cope because I'm in the moment, but my head is not a good place to be.

Now have you found, to be honest with you, I think we can relate on a few things. My mind doesn't tend to quiet down. And what I have found is when I'm in front of people and I'm performing, trying to make them laugh, I can get into a rhythm where I'm very, very zen and it's a quiet... Well then we are exactly alike. My most comfortable place on earth is on a stage, live, in front of an audience. It's my second most comfortable... I like a bidet because number one, the feeling of just warm water firing...

Shooting up your ass. Yes. That's just the best. And then... Have you ever tried to combine the two? You know what? That's... I should do a week.

A one-day show. I'm going to announce a week of stand-up shows, Conan in person on a bidet. Stand-up. You're right. I know. Sitting. Well, I'll start standing and then I of course have to lower my trousers. Oh my God.

Huge applause, standing ovation, and then I sit and then we start firing. The audience gets to choose the temperature. They'll have little switches on their seats. I remember the first time I used a bidet many, many years ago, like 35 years ago. Before it, everybody had one and like a lot of people have them in their house, those Kohler toilets or the Toto toilets or they used to... Now they can adhere the seat to an old toilet and there's a hose that shoots up. I think it was when they built the Mandarin Hotel on Columbus Circle.

They invited... There was a show and they gave us a room there. It was the first time I saw one of those toilets with the control system. Had no idea. And I sat down in the toilet and it's at heat and the seat... You know, I walked in and the seat opens up. It's like a hello, a welcome. I've never seen like it was a beckoning toilet.

So I sat down and I couldn't believe this. It was warm. It was like they had a heater and there was a light in the... Like a blue light in the... Sometimes music is playing? Yeah. Soothing music? I told the quartet to get out of the room because I wanted to use it.

But if you would like the music... Anyway, I'm sitting there and then it said, and I didn't know what it meant. So it said wash, you know? And I didn't see that there were settings for, it said front and back wash. And I did not, because I'd never seen any of these toilets before. So I just hit wash. Well, I had hit front wash, but I don't know what that was. But it was like, do you ever been to a boxing gym?

Like the speed bag? Yeah. And then I started screaming and I was afraid to get up. I stood up and the water shot across the whole bathroom, so I sat back down and... So your testicles are being just rapid fire. Like lasers hitting them. Rapid fire. Oh my...

And they stung, they moved like a butterfly, but it stung like a bee. Yes. Yes. Anyway, it's so... And I remember calling, my wife was in New York with me and I've been going, Terri! Terri! And she comes into the room like something. And what's happening?

And she goes, what's happening? Of course, water's firing around. No, I was sitting down. And I said, I don't know what to do, I don't know. She goes, what's happening? I go, I don't even know how to describe this, but help me stop and press one of these buttons. And then she hit the button that changed the pulsation. It was just not the, you know, then it was boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

It was like that. And she's laughing and there's water. And I stood up and then the water came out from between my legs and shot all over her. It was like she was just soaked. And then we finally figured out it was the rear cleanse that I needed. And then we pressed off and that was it. But and then I went and bought one. You know, I don't have one of those.

You don't have one? I don't have one. And... I don't know why everybody should, everybody should have one. I do not have one and I, but I did go with one of the people in my staff, Mr. Jordan Shlansky, we were in Tokyo and we shot a remote where we went to the Toto factory and we talked to the engineers and the technicians and they just keep improving it every year. Oh, it's amazing.

And I think we're about five years away from a Toto bidet that will come find you. It'll come to you. It'll know. It'll see you eat a burrito and it will know to wait about four hours and then it will come find you. That's better than that. Now, now, now. And you'll have to sit on it and it, but wherever you are, a toilet that comes to you, that's

the future. Do you know that I am a spokesperson for American Standard? What? Is that true? That is. That can't be true. It is. Why is American Standard...

You have a whole staff. Nobody looked up that. But anyway, so they hired me to represent because it's a self-cleaning, hands-free cleaning toilet and they invited me and flew me to the American Standard headquarters and I talked to all the toilet engineers and various people and showed me the newest and latest and greatest. And then I, my job, they hired me and paid me handsomely for is I stood in Home Depot's and Lowe's in the toilet section and did signings. That's incredible.

Sitting on a toilet as people would come up to me and have me sign and that's what my career, that's why I feel like even being on this podcast is nine rungs up from what I've been doing. Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, that being on this podcast is better than being at a toilet signing slightly. Howie, this is my question. Do you have those moments? I have these all the time in show business where I leave my body and look at what's happening

and go, how did this, how can this be? How did I get to this place? And I would imagine being... Every waking moment. I would imagine being at a toilet signing is one, but many times in my career, I've been doing something silly. I was shooting something with Mr. T and we were driving in a convertible Rolls-Royce and I fell asleep.

When I woke up, the camera truck had lagged behind. So I was just driving through this beautiful fall foliage in a convertible and I looked over and Mr. T with the Mohawk and everything is quietly driving the car and it's just the two of us. And I thought, I went to school, I studied, how did this happen? And I think when we're in this very strange business, I think the one way to stay sane is to constantly be stepping outside your body and saying, look at me, I'm at a toilet convention and I'm doing, I'm signing autographs.

Every waking moment of what I do, I can't believe I do. And that's, I've told this story before, but even with my career, you know, this is not something I pursued. And this is not something I... You didn't pursue the toilet thing. No, I meant comedy, television, acting, nothing. Is anything that I ever pursued, ever dreamed of, ever studied, ever went out for in the... In the traditional sense, yeah.

No, in any sense. So I went in the 70s, in the late 70s, so somebody said they opened up a comedy club, do you want to go? I've never been to a comedy club in Toronto, they opened up... We had Second City, I'd seen that, that was like sketches and things like that. So I went to Yuck Yucks one night. And Mark Breslin, who is the owner and he was the emcee of the club, said, you know, after midnight, amateurs can get on, on midnight night, if you think you can do this or want

to do this or want to try this, do it. And somebody at my table went, you should go up, Howie. I went, okay, and they signed me up. And that was the moment that terror, and I don't have any other word to describe it, but I got terrified, like embarrassingly terrified, like, okay, fuck. I don't have a fucking word, I don't have anything to say, this is not a joke. Now I'm just being humiliated, like every bad dream where you walk into a party and you're underpants and everybody's staring at you, and the adrenaline of that fear surged

through me. And I started thinking, and I'm thinking, like, I got to get out of here, I got to, and what came out naturally, if you look at my old YouTube videos, what came out, I started going, okay, okay, all right, all right, all right, okay, all right, and people like she's doing giggled, and I started going, what, what, no, tell me what, what, okay, here's it. And I had nothing, nothing but sheer fear of, okay, what, what, what, and I put my hands in my pocket because I was nervous.

And we talked about this at the beginning, but I had OCD, I always carry rubber gloves because if I was out in public, I didn't want to touch anything. Oh, I didn't know that. I knew that you had famous for the rubber glove, inflating the rubber glove and doing stuff with it. Well, so that was the night. But I thought, I didn't know that came from your OCD, I honestly didn't. No, so I had the rubber glove in my, because I, I'd have to go, and I had a rubber glove,

and I'm standing there with the rubber glove and I go, look what I got, I had nothing, and I'm holding up the rubber glove. And then for no reason, just fear, I started pulling it over my head and I pulled it down below my nose. And when I was breathing, the fingers were going up and down and I could hear the roar of the audience. So I, I continued to blow it with my nose and then it exploded and popped off. The whole audience just roared with applause and I went, goodnight, and I ran off thinking

I'll never see him again. Mark Breslin stopped me in the hallway and he goes, that was amazing. Can you come back tomorrow? And I go, for what? He goes to do another set. I said, what is a set? What am I doing? Yeah.

He goes, do what you did. I go, what the fuck did I do? I didn't do anything. So I started just showing up two, three times a week to yuck yucks with nothing. And that was my thing. We have certain things in common and what I, but what I do is I, I do prepare and I like to really prepare and then my favorite thing to do is prepare, but then throw the plan out the window.

If I get out there and something, I see something better. So you know, you have a safety net. Yes. What I love, I cannot wait to be taken off of that path and not feel good about that path. That feeling, my analogy has always been to, I love thrill rides. Do you like rides? Uh, no, I don't, I don't love rides.

I do. Yeah. Thrill rides. I don't love, you know, just sitting. I love roller coaster, like the higher that you can shoot me and the, the more death defying that drop feels and the, the, the quicker my stomach goes into my throat. That's another moment where it's nothing but that moment and that adrenaline makes you feel alive.

I cannot, I can only think during those moments when I've been on those rides that the maintenance isn't great. This is a, this isn't a great amusement park and the guy who's in charge of the maintenance isn't the best and maybe they sort of fudge their certificate when the safety guy came by. That's all I can think about. But that's a pre-thought and that's a, you see, the point is I promise you that as you reach the top, the, the, the apex of the, and you're about to drop, it's just about,

the only thought you're going to have. There's no time to think. Yeah. I'm just, I'm going to die. Yeah. You're, you're putting too much into it. Like I'm going to die because the guy didn't put the nut on Titan. Well, I'm a blamer.

I'm a, I'm an Irish begrudger. So I'll be, in that moment, I'll be thinking of that prick that didn't really do the maintenance he should have done. Isn't that true, Sona? I'm someone who'll be thinking about that guy. He knew to tighten those bolts, but he thought, I leave that to my wife to speak about during the eulogy. She'll go after that guy.

This was not Howard's fault. This was, but, but the thing is that as they, as I'm dropping and screaming and then landing and ending safely as they get off the ride and your adrenaline is all, and you just want to go on again and it's exciting, it's a lot, every other thought just goes away. And anytime anything goes away and I could focus on one, like just a thrill and I get that same thrill from stage. So that is my, it's, I just need to be thrilled. You know, we do live in this era of an early age and you'll go through this Sona with your

kids where no matter who your kids are, there'll be people that are saying like, well, you know, they seem to have a little bit of anxiety about this or they seem to be a little hyper on the playground. And so you could take this medication and I'm all in favor of medication, but there's also the flip side of it, which is so many people have done interesting things because they were saddled with something. You were clearly saddled with something. So here's my, my feeling on that is I do, I do believe that there is an issue of people

just over medicating and medicating and probably too young. My, my problems that I'm, um, medicated for without the medication stopped my life. I would have, if I'm not medicated, I swear to you, I would not be here today. Right. And I would be at home checking the door and I would be checking the door all night until my hand was bleeding. And what do you mean checking the door? You know, making sure that it's locked?

Yeah. So I would, you know, I'd leave the house and, and make, and then I'd think like everybody else, cause people always say have a little OCD, you don't have a little OCD, you either have OCD or you don't have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder in its purity is the intrusion of thoughts. And even if these thoughts make no sense, I have, I'm intelligent enough to know that I'm not making any sense. I'm intelligent enough to know that if I shake your hand, I'm not going to die.

But if I'm triggered into my OCD, so I go and check the door, it's locked. I get back in the car. Then I think, oh, I probably didn't check it well enough. I probably, so I go back out and I check it again. Then I get back in the car and I go, you know what, I probably checked it twice. I bet you I loosened it. I bet you I loosened it. Let me say, I go back in the car and do that.

Then I get back in the car and I go, I got to check it again. But I know that's ridiculous. I've checked it four times. So I go back out of the car, I check it and I punch it with my fist. So my fist is bleeding so I could feel that pain so that maybe that pain will send a message how you've checked it enough. But now I think because I punched it, I've probably broken it and loosened it and I go back and I'm stuck there.

It sounds ridiculous for hours and I will phone and make an excuse why I can't make the meeting and my life cannot go on like this. And it kind of damages you. You definitely needed medication. I mean, that was. I definitely needed, my wife gave me an ultimatum. I wasn't even going to get help. My wife said, you know, she's going to leave and take the kids if I don't go get help,

at least something. And you said you can go but just please lock the door when you go. That's all I asked. And check it. And really lock it. Just make sure it's locked. So my thing about shaking hands was if you shake somebody's hands and you probably shake a lot of hands and there's meat and greets.

If I get triggered by one hand, you know, that's a little bit clammy or whatever. Or I saw the guy, you know, how many times have you gone up to a fan who has just sneezed because we're told to cover him up and then they go, oh, Conan. And they see you and they extend their hand. You know, if I get triggered by something like that, I go into the men's room and I scald my hand and I wash it and I soap it and then I dry it. Then I figure I didn't do it long enough. And then I'll go in and I sing happy birthday to myself like 38 times.

And then I'm there and until the skin is coming off my hand and I just don't want to be triggered. It's interesting to me that. I'm having trouble hearing you. Oh, who's that? Who is that? Is that your watch? Yeah. Your watch?

Is that Siri? I don't know. I'm having trouble hearing me. Sorry. You could say that again. All right. Can you hear me now? Why would that come up?

Did I say something that triggered your Apple Watch to say I'm sorry? First of all, I love that your Apple Watch is Canadian because it went, I'm sorry. It's all it does. It's just apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.

What did that? What would even trigger that? I think it's your friend again, trying to. Rich. He's on my watch. Rich is trying to get you through. It was you, Rich. I have a question for you, which is I've had this thought, which is you are a judge on

America's Got Talent. Right. I've had this thought before, which is I get creamed on one of those shows because people have to come out and I'm not putting myself down. I think I have talent, but I don't think that it would come across in a three-minute thing. If no one knew who I was, I'm not sure that it would come across in the three minutes that I came out.

Time out as I stand up? Or even as just any kind of performer, I see people come out there and they can do these incredible things. And I think, yeah, I wouldn't beat any of those people. Those people are. Well, I think it is hard to make a mark in two minutes. Yes. And you saw my wife on our wedding night.

Sorry. Sorry. Howie. I'm sorry. No, but that's. It's a Delta variant. Sorry. It's just Delta.

It's just Delta. Pick another airline. So, no, but I watch those shows and I see people come out and they can, you know, magic tricks and they can do all this stuff and I always think, hmm, I know I've got something, but it's something that had to be viewed over 4,000 hours of television over a 30-year period. And did fully. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I guess. I think there are some people that I think that are including yourself that are amazing that I don't know how to articulate what is, you know, when you say somebody's funny or they're witty or they're, you know, unique, you know, I think that sometimes it's kind of like a painting. You may have to stare at a painting for a little while to get the sense of what the artist was going for or to even understand why this is considered brilliance, you know. But for example, for example.

The Mona Lisa. Yes. Yes. And I am a Mona Lisa. But you are. Have you seen the Mona Lisa? Have you been to the Louvre? Yeah, I have.

So what did you think when you first walked and saw that play? I thought that's my career. It's, you know, you first look at it and you go, what's the big deal? But then when you really look at it, you realize it's the greatest work of art in the history of man. That's what I thought. I also thought. And you think people think that about your career?

Oh, I know they do. I'm sure they do. I mean, I don't, I'm, that's, Sona tells me, Sona's paid to tell me that every day. What? I have a lot of people whose job it is to tell me that once again, I was compared to the Mona Lisa. Oh. But you were saying to take you right back to the beginning of this question was on

AGT. If you have. That's America's Got Talent. Yeah. America's Got Talent. That's not a large, you know, oil concern. I always, I made really big money at AGT. I find it really hard for the comedians in the sense that part of the structure of the

show is as an act, you come out and we, we really don't know anything about you. So we're really asking, that's not for television. We're not told who's coming out next or whatever. So, you know, when people walk out and go, what's your name? And they tell me their name and how long have you been doing it? You've been doing it. And then you tell a story about, you know, I knew somebody, you know, I had cancer and this is the only thing that got me through.

If you tell a story like that, it's kind of easy for somebody to step back and that's why I wrote this song. And then they sing this song or to step back and go, you know, me and my sisters, that's why we're tumblers now because our parents promote it. When you're a comedian and you sit there and you've been talking, oh, my name is Bob and my parents are very much against this and I didn't do. And then Simon goes, the next two minutes are yours. It's really hard after you've been on stage for two or three minutes talking seriously

or that to switch into comedy, hey, everybody, how you doing? Like what, that doesn't work. It almost shouldn't work that way. It almost shouldn't go that way. But what I say to my friends who get on, I said, the moment, the moment you step out on stage, even if it's not your act, it is your act. So you have to prepare for that moment. You've watched the show so many times, know the kind of questions, even if you have something,

a witty answer that's, you know, that that could be or preparing. Answering those questions. Yes. Answering those questions is a comedic performance. The whole thing is a comedic performance. And make that blend in seamlessly to what you're doing. Don't stop and go because that doesn't work for comedy. Number one, number two, be prepared.

Be prepared for if you got buzzed, do you have a line for that? If you go to a club, this is the guy that started this interview by saying, I don't do any preparation but. Yeah. For those that. I know, I was going to say, this is completely flies in the face of everything you preached up front. You're a liar.

But my fear and my, that character that I played when I started out would work better on A America's Got Talent than what I do today. Because that fear, when if somebody hit the red buzzer, that would just send me into another stratosphere of fear and craziness and wackiness where you got to prepare for that. I've seen comics hear the buzzer and just stopped dead in their tracks. Right. You can't do that. And my heart breaks.

And I think that comedy, for the most part, people don't understand it. I thought one of the most brilliant things I heard was Jerry Seinfeld at one time during the Aspen Comedy Festival was given an award and talked about as a comedian, he's not used to as a stand-up comedian, not used to receiving awards. We don't receive awards and we're not given the same kind of credibility that an actor is giving. And when you think about it, what does an actor do? An actor doesn't write anything.

An actor doesn't do it. An actor is picked up by somebody else, taken to a set where somebody combs your hair, dresses you. Then they take you into a room and they put a piece of tape on the floor and they tell you to walk over to that tape, stop there, and this is what I need you to say. And I, oh, cut, let's say it again, but I want the accent to be stronger or I want you to be sadder. And they do that again.

Then they do it from nine different angles and then they're taking, that guy takes that film into a post-production house for a year and, you know, just fucks with it. And then the film comes out and you go, that guy is brilliant. He is brilliant. And I wonder how he's voting because I want to follow his lead. And that's the guy who pretends, where's a comedian? Like you just said, you're a wordsmith. You write the words, you create the character that you want to present, and we all create

a character. We all have different sides. We're different at home and different with our wives than we are here on this show or when you're on. I'm always this person. Oh my God. That's horrible. I know.

But it just, it's, this is 24 seven. This is me all the time. But I'm saying, and we don't get credit for it. You know, I always thought like it was always interesting to me and maybe, bless you, now I'm freaked. No, no, it's fine. It's not, it would make you feel any better. It's not COVID.

What is it? It's tuberculosis. Relax. Well, what is this mist I'm spraying? I don't know. Go beat labs. Microphone sanitizer. Yeah.

There you go. Microphone sanitizer. Okay. You know, I want to make sure that I mentioned, because we've talked for a very long time, and this has been good. And I find it lovely. And I know that you do this with your daughter, Jacqueline. Yeah.

You do. Howie Mandel does stuff. Howie Mandel does stuff. It's a podcast, yes. And you guys have a podcast and I would think that you're finding that this format works nicely for you. Well, the truth of the matter is for my, are you going to sneeze again? No, I'm just going to scare you.

That's all. Are you not holding it? Don't worry. No, no, no, I'm not holding it in. It's just that there's a piece of my mind missing. It didn't look like he had a, what were you doing? Oh, please. I'm fine.

I didn't, I don't want to trigger you. Other people see that, right? No, no, no one sees anything. Why do they leave? Because they know that you're going to spread the tea. I've been, yes, to answer, is the answer to your question. I started, because I was having trouble coping with COVID, I started calling my daughter Jacqueline every day and we would sit on the phone for hours just talking.

We would phone, we would join the line and I'd call one of my friends and they would join the line. It was kind of like a party line. We would do prank calls and things like that just to kind of do something. My daughter is as neurotic as I am and actually COVID was really hard, she has two kids and she was locked in the house for a year. Like even if I had to go see my grandkids, I had to go climb a tree and look in the window. But I did, you know, and it was hard for me.

I do that, but it's other people's kids. Oh, God. I'm sorry, I think that's really funny. It is. It's very funny that I'm a dangerously sick. No, I think it's funny. Yeah, thank you. It's nothing funnier than pedophiles with a podcast.

I just think I hit it out of the park there. You did. You know. I know. People don't know how funny. Anyway, the thing is that my wife said, why don't you record this? And I said, for who? She goes for you.

Yeah, exactly. And I just started recording it and having friends of, I'd love you to come on. I don't want to put you under pressure. I do want to put you under pressure. But do you do anybody else? I don't think I know your, have I met your daughter, Jacqueline? Have I met her? No.

Be nice. I'd like to get, I'd like to. She's very funny. Yeah. She's an influencer. She's the mama too. She was a teacher for 10 years in the inner city. She's got her master's in urban education.

So she taught in South Central and Crenshaw and East LA and then after her second kid, she kind of retired, you know, to be a mom and then COVID hit. So now she's a podcaster. That's fantastic. Podcaster. Like everybody else. Well, no. Not.

I mean, I'm one to talk. I showed up very late to this podcast party, but. No, you've been doing this for years, right? How long have you been doing a podcast? Not that long. What, two and a half years? Three years? Maybe three years.

Okay. So I've been doing it since April. Oh, so I'm an old timer. Yeah, you are. Three years of podcast. There's a lot of podcasting under your belt. Now you're one of the few, I've gotten done a few other people's podcasts. A lot of people do it from their own home.

Did you ever consider doing this in your house? I did it in my house during a chunk of COVID, but I like to go to work. I like to leave the house and go to work, like a dad in the 1950s. I like to put on a hat and a gray suit and get a briefcase and head out to work. That's how I think about. Mr. Cleaver. Yes. That's how I think about work.

I like to leave and then I like to come home. You know what's great about all those shows in the 50s and 60s? They never really, the first person I was aware, Darren Stevens was the first person I was aware of what his job was. Yeah. Everyone else's job was generic. Yeah. Just go to work.

Yeah. And I always wondered what they did and why they had to wear a tie to do what they did. I don't think my kids still know what I do. It's a mystery to everybody. But my dad always wore a tie to work. I don't think he needed it. Did your dad wear a tie to science? Yes.

But he was a tie salesman. He was a scientist. Yes. Did he work for himself or did he work for? He had his own scientist shop. No, he worked at Bramble Women's Hospital in Boston and worked in microbiology. Still does. Still travels.

So how does he feel about it? Did he get the vaccine? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. He's a man of science. I saw that. He's thinking a man of science. I saw the woman of science that was speaking to Congress and said that forks were sticking

to her magnetically. Did you see that woman? I did. And she claims she's a doctor. Yeah. I know. That was depressing. Anyone can say they're a doctor.

I suppose it's a doctor. Cosby. Okay. What did you do that for? Well, he's an anesthesiologist slash dator. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God.

I guess I did say I climbed trees and looked at other Keele's kids. So I deserve to go to prison with you. You know, we're going to wrap it up here because we have talked. That's a closer. That was a closer. That is a closer. Close on Cosby. That is a closer.

There's always room room for whatever. Howie, I've really enjoyed this. I've really enjoyed talking to you and in this way. And I think we got to some really good stuff. And we did. You're a good man. And I'm sorry. I applaud you.

I applaud you for being so open about things you've struggled with because I too like you believe that. So honestly, will you like, will you now that I've come onto your podcast where you're looking for friends? Will you call me? Yes. You really will. Yeah.

I'll go through Rich. Is that the guy to do it? I'll give you my number right now. All right. I'll give you my number. No. If we say it on the air, then you'll get lots of calls. More friends.

Yeah. For you too. Yeah. So I will get your number and I will call you because I have made friendships through this podcast. It really works. The question is, will you call me back? I don't think so.

I think Rich will call me back and say, Howie's a little busy right now. I will call you back. Here's what's going to happen. You call me, we make a plan and I'll attend whatever that plan is. And then throughout the evening or the afternoon or whenever the plan is taking place, Rich will drop in on Zoom. Yeah. It'll be you and I sitting on a beach in a very romantic location and a little TV will

float by. I bring an iPad. Where are we? Where are we? Howie Mandel, thank you very much for being here. Thank you for having me. Good man. You're a mensch.

You're a good friend. Oh, hi there, listeners. It's Matt Gorely, your long lost producer basking away on paternity leave. I'm stopping in just to let you know that we're going to put in a little piece of the Conan O'Brien needs a friend live show that went down at the Wiltern Theater in Los Angeles on November 3rd. I was there. Sona was there.

It was our first time getting back together and we've fold a piece from that live show that isn't included in the full live episode. So go check that out after you've heard this. If you haven't heard it already, it's there in your feed and this is something special to this episode only. You'll hear it nowhere else and it is the much beloved Big Dick History live at the Wiltern Theater. Enjoy.

All right, guys, it's time to move in a segment that has really become the showpiece of the Conan O'Brien needs a friend podcast. It's time for Big Dick History. In fact, it's time. That is a real waste of black tape right there. That is an optimistic forecast if ever I've seen one. That is the worst visit of the 2001 obelisk in all of time. All right, this caught on with fans.

It horrifies me. But people seem to like it and we get a lot of response from it. That's right. This is a very special edition tonight called Big Dick Natural History. Okay. Interesting. Okay. This is a quiz.

Can I just point out, Sona gets very competitive. You both do. Yeah. Why are you saying something? You're the one who tried to cheat on one of these quizzes by Googling while we were doing it. My phone didn't have cell service. I was holding it out of the table and using it for other purposes.

Okay. We're Googling, cheating, Big Dick History quiz. It's always hard to get this started because I just need you guys to call. So I just, I mean, I think it's important to note that I am undefeated in the Big Dick History quizzes. Yes. That is true. We've done this several times and Sona has always won, but I think tonight my fortune

will turn. Okay. Yeah. It's time for you to come behind. You're the underdog. No, let's take it easy. That's not the reason to do that. You're the loser.

You're the loser here. Yeah. It's okay. All right. Now this is a quiz. Yes. Seven questions about the dicks of the animal kingdom. Okay.

So remember, I'm going to read the question and this is multiple choice. You can answer at any time, but once you answer, if you get it wrong, you're locked out and the other person gets a chance to answer. You buzz in by saying your name. You buzz in by saying your name. Right. Because we can't afford buzzers. No.

Because the ads I read are fake. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Are you guys ready? Yeah. Number one, for what reason does a cat's pork sword have barbed keratin spines? For what reason does a cat's pork sword have barb?

No help from the audience, please. Have barbed keratin spines. Number one, just quiet, just don't ruin big dick history, please. Don't sully the name, please. Big dick history. This is hallowed ground. Number one, to stay connected to its mate during sex, be quiet or you will be forcefully ejected. By security guards that aren't here because we didn't pay them.

But they will have barbed keratin spines. Number two, because its disco stick evolved from the same material as its claws. Number three, to scrape out sperm previously deposited from other Tomcats. Or number four, because it also uses it as a weapon or showpiece when... Tonin three. That's correct. Yeah. Okay, let's speed this up.

We got to go. You got seven of these? Come on, we got to go. Okay. In a strange way, does the hermaphroditic flatworm engage in hermaphroditic flatworm sex? Number one, they do a bewitching type of sausage flashing dance. Number two, they face off in a penis fencing battle. Number three, they do a sort of flatworm 69, which is really just more of an 11.

Number four, they literally do a dick measuring contest by lining up their little flatworm flatworms next to each other. Sona. Yes. Two. That is correct. Penis fencing battle. Oh, we got a squeaker.

Oh boy. Okay. Number three, a duck's fuck is shaped like... Number one. I went to college. I have a master's degree. What? You're fired.

That's just embarrassing. I know. Okay. Go ahead. Number one, a fork. Number two, a spoon. Number three, a spork. Number four, a corkscrew.

Conan two. Conan answered first, but that's incorrect. Sona, your remaining answers are a fork, a spork, or a corkscrew. I'm going to say a fork. I'm sorry. That's incorrect. It's a corkscrew. Help from the audience.

We have no control over the crowd. Don't worry about it. Okay. It's still tied. Conan and Sona each have one point. Okay. All right. This is it.

Do you need help? Number four, relative to its size, which member of the animal kingdom has the biggest member in the animal kingdom? Oh, I see. Got it. Relative to its size. Oh, okay. Number one, the elephant.

Number two, the tick. Number three, the horse. Number four, the barnacle. Sona. Sona. Barnacle. That's correct. Hey.

How did you know? I did it. I guess. She knows about this stuff. So mad you're losing. I'm cool. You're so upset. Number five, for what evolutionary reason do snakes have a Y shaped hemi penis?

Number one, so they can alternate haves from sex act to sex act. Number two, to deceive its mate into believing there are two snakes present. Number three, to match their forked tongue because female snakes find consistency attractive. And number four, because why not? Conan four. No. What? I just wanted to give a funny answer.

Okay. Sona, it's over to you to know I'm sorry it's so they can alternate haves from sex acts to sex act. Okay. So what this means? Sona, if you answer one more, you win. Okay. Conan, you can still.

I want this. You can still win too. You need to get the remaining two. I'm going to win. Okay. Number six is all the charm and thrill of doing my taxes. Thank you. Oh, now you're getting upset because you're losing.

That's okay. Classic. Classic. Number six, the echidna, a small egg laying mammal has how many head on its yogurt slinger? How many heads on its yogurt slinger? Number one, one, number two, two, number three, three, number four, four. Sona. Sona.

Two. Incorrect. I'm going to go with four. That's correct. Oh my God. Wow. This couldn't have, this couldn't have worked out better. We got one question left.

It's all tied up. Who does the crowd want to win? Me? Conan? Or? I love that. Okay. I want it so bad.

Yeah. Okay. Just so we get equal representation here, number seven, how many vaginas does a kangaroo have? Oh. Number one, one, number two, two, number three, three, number four, it changes depending on the lunar cycle. Me.

Sona. Sona. I'm going to say two vaginas. That's incorrect. Come on. The correct answer is it changes with the lunar cycle. That's incorrect. Ah.

Yes. But who would make up that answer? I did. That's insanity. I did. Did you make that up? I had to make up all the other fake ones. The vagina could form because the moon was out.

What was I thinking? What made me think? I don't know. What made me think? What do you know about sex? I can't breathe. Oh my God. This explains so many things.

You got it. I used to get terrified at a quarter moon. I remember that. Oh my God. You thought a vagina came and then just went out. Yeah. I had to go and go away. It's like a werewolf.

Where did it go? I don't know. I don't know what it had things to do. All right. Wow. I'm not sure quite how to handle this. There are two unanswered options and we've got to decide this question. Do we have to?

Can't we just be a tie? You want it to be a draw? Don't we want it to be a draw at the end of the day? No, I want to win. All right. One more. I don't have any more questions. That's the problem.

Oh. How about this? Who's the host? Yay. I won. Yay. Well, no one's answered it. All right.

There's going to be two answers to this. We're going to do it again. How many vaginas does a kangaroo have? One or three? Sona. Sona. One. Sorry, Conan.

Come on. Say it. I win. Well, you have to answer it. How many? Three. That's right. Conan has won.

Big dick national history. Now is the pouch count as a vagina? No. That's disgusting. I know. I was going to say. I'm getting something in my ear from the feed that I'm hearing that because of big dick history, we've actually won an award.

That's right. This is incredible. I just won a prestigious Peabody Award for big dick history. That's incredible. This is the most prestigious award you can win in television or radio. And it was clearly made about an hour ago. That looks like Nick Offerman on it. Well, all right.

Congratulations. Thank you very much. What do you plan to do with your fame and your newfound title? Well, you know, I'm just really excited that I defeated Sona at something that meant so much to her and proved once again that I'm the king of the castle. I hate this so much. Yeah, I know you do. I really hate this.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Beckton, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista and Brick Kahn.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Year Wolf.