Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - In Cyberspace, No One Can Hear You Scream

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Conan talks to Anthony from Windsor, Ontario about working as a phlebotomist, singing in a metal band, and how Conan’s specific brand of comedy translates in other countries. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

I'm going to go ahead and get started. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All, for us too. For us too, Anthony. Tell us, where are you? I didn't really mean that. Anthony, tell us, where are you calling in from? Where in the world are you, old friend? I'm in a one-bedroom apartment in Windsor, Ontario right now. Oh, OK. Windsor, Ontario. And all right, well, I'm a big fan of All Things Canada.

I think you're a- Thank you, so am I. A lovely nation. And I want to thank you for calling in and ask you just a couple of questions, just as a baseline. Tell us your name is Anthony. Of course. You're in Windsor, Ontario.

You're in a one-bedroom apartment. You have some kind of a flag behind you. I do, yes, one of my favorite bands. Oh, that's a band. It looks like it's for the Romanov family in Russia. Yeah, I stole it from them actually. It was quite tough to get, but you know. Well, you're a very, you're a bad art thief

because you steal things and then put them on your wall and then go on a Zoom. Is your hair, your hair, I'm just gonna comment on it right away. Oh my God, wait a Zoom. Is your hair, your hair, I'm just gonna comment on it right away. Oh my God, wait a minute. Forget your hair. You just drank out of a human skull. He just lifted a cup that looks like a human skull.

I'm hoping it's not a real human skull. Oh, well I did steal that from Russia too. That's how I got it. It's actually, it was from this guy here. Oh no. Well, I can see it's not real, but what do you, wow, okay, and also is gonna come in on your hair, which looks to be dyed different colors, is that right?

It's there's some black, there's some bright, bright orange. This is my natural. This is my natural. Oh, my apologies. My roots are coming in, I'm so sorry. Yeah, this is red. It's dyed red all the way to the back. It's great, thank you very much. It's full of magenta. I appreciate that. So, this is red. It's dyed red all the way to the back. Thank you very much.

It's full of magenta. I appreciate that. So this is what I'm getting. I'm seeing a skull behind you on the background. I'm seeing that you're wearing a black shirt. Your hair is dyed multiple colors. And so this leads me to question, what do you do for a living?

Are you a Satanist? How does that pay? Do you conjure the dead? So I'm only on weekends. I do have a full-time job. Black fingernails too. I know, I noticed that. I do, yes.

And listen, I am not anti-Satanist and I'm not pro-Satanist. I like to sit on the fence. Oh good. Yeah, for those. I'll come down anti-Satanist. Really? I'll take the risk.

I'll be pro-Satanist. Yeah, yeah. Okay. We have many. Good. Yeah, and I just think, hey, live and let live, which is not what a Satanist, please. No, I think hail Satan. Yeah, okay, take it easy. I wouldn't.

Bless you, I forgive you. So I am a phlebotomist, if you can believe it or not. I take blood. Oh, trust me. We believe it. Anthony, I believe you take blood. Now we know what you're drinking out of that skull. Yeah,, I believe you take blood. Now we know what you're drinking out of that skull. Oh, man.

Yeah, I completely believe you take blood. Whether you do it professionally, I'm not sure. So you're a phlebotomist. A phlebotomist, you study blood disorders, is that correct? So I don't study, I do like any, whenever you're getting any diagnosis or anything like that, it all starts with blood tests, right?

So they come and see me, I do all the prepping, I make sure all the prep needs to be done for the testing and then that gets sent over to the lab there. And then to assert dominance, I smear some on my hair and that's where the red comes from. I love that because I also like to assert dominance but I have other techniques which I'll tell you about later in a separate call.

Oh. So, wow. So you, do you extract the blood yourself or does someone else- I do, yes. Okay, all right. And you're not squeamish at all about it. Clearly you're fine putting a needle into somebody-

I'm okay. And taking their blood. Yeah, ever since I was younger, my mom would watch like all these like surgery shows when like I would be just like home, she would watch the TLC, my mom would watch all these surgery shows when I'd be just home. She would watch the TLC stuff and it would be all surgeries. I'd just be sitting there watching it with her.

So all that stuff really interested me when I was younger. And yeah, that's just not squeamish at all because of it. Actually got to help out with an autopsy one time as part of a perk in schooling. A perk? Yeah. Yeah, so every job has its perks. I've often offered you a free autopsy examination around Armenian Christmas and you're always real like,

that's not a perk. So you went in and assisted in an autopsy and you weren't squeamish at all about it? No, not at all. And you'll never forget the smell, that's for sure. But it was probably one of the most incredible experiences of my life, just because you, like, nobody gets to do that as like, just every day, right?

Except for obviously the person performing the autopsy. But it was just something neat to see because I don't have the smarts to be a doctor, but it was awesome to be able to be a part of that. Well, Anthony, first of all, I don't think you should put yourself down and you are a phlebotomist. And so clearly you have great capabilities.

Have you ever been interested in being a, pursuing this further and getting a full-on medical degree? Are you content with phlebotomy? I've been actually doing it for nine years right now. So I'm kind of content where I am and just kind of going about there. That was about the limit of what my knowledge could actually take before I wanted to scream. But yeah, that was, I think I'll stay here because it was pretty tough.

Anthony, quick personal question. Whenever I go to get blood drawn, and it's a lot, because they're always trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and how can he still be alive? And just based on my complexion alone, there's this constant, could he, is it possible he's dead? But you know what I want to say, and this is true, every time, many times a year I get my blood drawn, they always have a notoriously difficult time

finding a vein in my arm. What is that all about? They say they can't find, and it's just people who come in and go, trust me, I never have a problem. They go in with one needle, it doesn't work. They try another. They say, huh, I'm gonna try over here.

They can't find a vein. You should get a little tattoo with an arrow that says like right here, doc. Right here, I know, I should, but even then, I think, is it that my veins are deeply submerged? Would that be the problem? So everyone's biology is technically different. In some cases, I've never heard of anyone having issues,

so you might be the only one in the world that they actually just might wanna poke for fun just to be able to get a reaction out of it. You know what's funny? I often hear giggling. There's a lot of giggling. And then usually, if it's at the doctor's office, there's other doctors and nurses outside the door. And I hear a lot of giggling and high-fiving. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do they point at you and laugh? They all take pools to see how many needles you could probably take before you pass out. That's the fun of it, really. That's what we do at our job.

It's just side cash, you know? So, okay. So you are, and I'm just gonna say it as often as I can because I love it. You are a phlebotomist. You study phlebotomy. You've often given people a phlebotanectomy. But also you like to practice the dark arts.

You drink from a skull, you dress in black. Tell me a little bit about your hobbies. What do you like to practice the dark arts. You drink from a skull, you dress in black. Tell me a little bit about your hobbies. What do you like to do for fun? I'm in a band actually with my brother and it's all themed of course about like religion and the questions of choice between that type of thing. So that's always been my main question in life. And it's really neat to pursue it in like a musical way.

And so we're in a metal band together. I knew it. When you said metal, it was not a surprise. I did not think this was going to be. I thought polka. Yeah, you were sure polka. Yeah. I was thinking.

That's what I started with. I started with the flute, and then I ended with scream vocalist. So what do you do in the band? Are you the vocalist? I am the scream vocalist. So what do you do in the band? Are you the vocalist? I am the scream vocalist. We have two. The genre is called metal core.

So you have a half screaming and you have a melodic singing. And so we have a buddy of mine who does the melodic screaming and then I do the intense stuff. Do you mind? I mean, are we okay? Should we reset levels? Eduardo, could you give us a sampling of a scream? You might yeah take a sip out of the skull. Yeah, I have some blood and I'll put on a spot here and then vocal warm-up. No, no, that's okay. I'm sure you don't need vocal warm-up to scream

But give us a sampling of what you might and what would help you should I be playing a rhythm track like a? of what you might, and what would help you? Should I be playing a rhythm track like a do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do? Yeah, yeah, give me like a heart breakdown like a boom boom boom boom. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. I will not survive. Did you do it yet?

Did that pick it up because? No. Did you hear anything? I just heard it sounded like you swallowed a crouton? Okay, what did you know that's basically? Doesn't pick it up the mic doesn't pick it up because it's so loud here. Let me try this Put that you met you take over okay put the headsets on your desk Step away from the headset, sir,

and walk back to the back of the room and then yell. At least nine feet and then yell. Yeah. Am I trying this for real? Yes, yes, this is not a bit. We are very serious about people that scream. I will not stop! Oh my gosh.

No! It's not good. It's the Zoom audio filter that's probably just. Oh, fuck you, Zoom! Yeah, hey, Sona, that's the ninth time. That's the ninth time today. But Zoom discriminates against people in metal core bands. I wanted to hear it.

You know what's so crazy? I got all excited. Sona H-mobsessy. I thought more. H for hell. No, no. Because I'm a satanist. But guess what?

No, it's because Matt had that perfect middle name for you. Anyway, sorry. Anthony, I have to tell you, I am really disappointed. And I'm sure the listener is as well. I was all ready to hear this. Is there a way to disable that function? So yes, the listener will be able to hear it because he's recording locally, not on Zoom for us. What you're hearing is the filter version.

So I can talk him through how to turn off the filter Okay, we give that's gonna take like Conan. Yeah, I have music videos on YouTube I have my band name is among the rest you can check it out if you want So I'm gonna go get okay, I might get as well you go again later You know I'm gonna go get at the Guggenheim. Yeah I'm going to your band is among the rest and And what does that refer to what does it mean to you? That's what I always say to people when they say Oh, what does that mean? I said, well, what does it mean to you? Whatever the answer they give me? I say yes, it sounds like a metalcore band in Ontario. Yeah, that's what we were going for. Okay.

Yeah. That's what we were going for. Okay. Wow, I was so disappointed not to hear the scream, but I guess when people hear the actual- Oh, I was doing, I was really- Can I simulate what it sounds like to us? Yeah.

I'm gonna do what it simulates what it sounds like to us. Yes, absolutely. I was going boom, boom, boom, boom, boom do what it simulates what it sounds like to us. I was going, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and then you went, rrrrrrr. And then I went, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

and you went, rrrrrrr. And then we said, step away from the headset, go back 15 feet, you did, and then we didn't make any drum sound, and then I heard, rrrrr.

Yeah, it sounded like a milk burp. Yeah. That's, actually that's one of our songs, Milk Burp. You'll find it on Spotify. But you know what I'm loving now? Anthony, I'm sure you really do scream, but I do think you should do a set and you guys should record it, where you play your normal material,

but instead of what you normally do, just go, burp. And guess what? Do that in the band sometimes, and we we will like during breakdowns of shows, I will try and spit facts that are not true. In between there's a silent part before we come in. So like it'll be like, 50% of giraffes are bisexual. And then we just come right into a huge breakdown. And it just throws everybody off.

Are you saying 50% are not bisexual? If 50% are then 50% are not bisexual? If 50% are, then 50% are not, correct. Got it. I love that. I think you'd be good in a metalcore band. I think you would be. I have a pretty good scream. You should play the triangle.

Yeah. You should play the triangle. No, you don't get it, man. You should scream. No, I'm a good screamer, and I'm a very dynamic presence on stage. And I do think that Satan resides within me. You got that right, that's for sure. The only way to prove it is if you ever make it down

this way for any reason, come play a show with us and I'll put you on as a feature. Well, first of all, it would be up that way, Anthony. No one comes down to Ontario. But he's a Satanist, he's in hell. Oh, I see, yes, that's right. You're in the lowest reaches of hell. Awkward. Oh, I see. Yes, that's right. You're in the lowest reaches of hell.

Yeah, very nice, very nice. So how do you get along with people you work with? Do they accept you for who you are? You're a little bit, I'm going to say it the way someone would have in like 1952 and was an older guy in entertainment. You're pretty far out there. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you're way, way out.

You're a wildcat. Yeah. Yeah. I think getting along with them is really well. And I think it actually translates well to like, hey, it's somebody different. So they remember me in a way, you know, it's like, oh, there's that guy at the lab that, you know, does that. And I'm playing music in the lab all the time and people know when they come in, they're like, oh, where's the metal? Where's the metal? So they're able to see and hear and everything, just what I'm about and I don't hide it. But it's great, like the patients love it.

I have a 70 year old fan and she wears my band shirt to work all the time. Yeah. Maybe she's got a little crush. Yeah, she might actually, yeah, you never know. I have a question for you. How good are you at putting that needle and do you have like a ginger touch?

Cause some people are a little painful and others just have a knack for it, you know? Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like this was like kind of my calling and people have said, you know They'll walk in be like nobody's ever gotten me. I can't and then I just be like done. Okay, and it's With practice I've worked in like cancer clinic stuff for school. So you get a lot of hard picks. And with that practice, you know, sometimes it just, I'm good. That's all I can say. Hey, you know what? But you know what? It's nice. You started out, you know, you're trying to be self-effacing and then all that just cracked away like, like an ice sheet. And

you said, I am the very best that's ever drawn blood. I would want a confident phlebotomist though. You don't want an insecure. How many times have I said in my life, I love a confident phlebotomist? How many times? Daily? It comes up a lot.

Almost as much as she said, fuck you, Zoom. So, well, you know, I wish that you drew my blood because- I'll draw your blood. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. So, well, you know, I wish that you drew my blood because... I'll draw your blood. No, because they notoriously have a hard time finding blood inside me. Let's see those arms. So what do you, maybe you don't have veins. Well, I'll look at them from here.

We'll see if I can find you one. If you ever come up this way, I could do a blood test for you. You know, I can show you the guns. Whoa, not bad. Let's ask him to see the guns. The gun shows. Not bad. Oh, come on.

We got the gun show going on here. We don't need those tickets. Hey, Soda, come on. I think I would be too intimidated to take your blood if you showed me those guns. Get in here. Get in here. OK?

All right. So this is a... What's that? Beef! No, but wait a minute, still, I see... Beefcake! I see... You've been training for our arm wrestling rematch?

Oh snap. You know, actually I've just been doing a lot of... Hey, I like to hit the weights in the end. Listen, I don't see it. I'm gonna tell you that... I'm gonna tell you... It's right there. Where?

It's right there. Just right there. You've got one. Right here. Told you I'm gonna tell you that, I'm gonna tell you. It's right there. Where? It's right there, just right there. You've got one, right here. Told you I'm good. Okay. Hey, is it because I'm freckled that they're hard to see? Believe it or not, gingers actually have a harder time taking blood. That's just fact.

Why? I don't know. I'll ask Satan. Hey, Satan, and he's in the corner. Yeah. He's just eating Girl Scout cookies. Huh? Just shuffling out ginger.

He's in a t-shirt. Samoas, I love this Samoas. He's just feeding God knowledge. Hey, if you guys wanna just make this terrible, just make gingers have terrible veins. And that's just, that's where it comes from, honestly, is Satan. There are advantages to being a ginger, I gotta tell you,

but I don't know what they are. I haven't encountered them yet. You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say that Anthony's my favorite phlebotomist. Thank you. You were my favorite talk show host, and I say that with honest to God sincerity. That is, I love you so much, man,

and I appreciate everything that you do. Oh, hey, thank you so much. That's very kind of you, and I'm glad that you enjoy our brand of, I don't know what it is we do here. It's probably not legal, but I'm glad that you're enjoying it. And do you have a question for me? If there's anything I can help you with.

I do, actually. So my favorite thing in the world was your trip to Italy with Jordan Schlansky in Conan Without Borders. I love that, yeah. It's kind of a two-parter, if you don't mind. One is, is Jordan Schlansky AI? And the second one is, how did comedy translate in different countries?

Now, here it's like, you get the quick wit because there's a lot of play on words, but when you start to get into different languages, do they understand that? When you're going around in the city and you're yelling pasta, like pasta names to speak Italian, at Italian people, do they just think you're insane?

Or do they understand that there's this level of sarcasm? Two questions, and I'll take the first one first. You ask is Jordan AI? I wish he were AI, because I could press delete. But no, he unfortunately is who he is. He's a real person. And I love that he came with me. And in this new show that we just did for Max,

he shows up in the Argentina episode. And if you want to look for that, it's called Conan O'Brien Must Go. It's on Max. It's a reason to get Max. And Sona will reimburse you. Now two, that's just a contractual agreement that you just said yes to.

And then two. Excellent, thank you, Sona. No, sometimes what I do, I try not to offend or anything, but I've found that when I'm in countries where people don't speak the language, I become more cartoony in a way where you don't almost need to understand English, to understand that this is a very ridiculous, silly man.

So one of my favorite moments ever was in Haiti, to understand English, to understand that this is a very ridiculous, silly man. So one of my favorite moments ever was in Haiti in a classroom of young, beautiful Haitian children. They were laughing really hard because a maniac just came into the room. And I basically was a party clown. They didn't, so there was no wordplay. But in that specific moment when I'm walking through the streets of Florence with Jordan and I'm shouting out to the crowd.

And I just decided since I don't know Italian, I'll just shout Italian director's names. So I'm saying Scorsese, you know, and... Rigatoni here. Well, yeah, I think there was a few pastas in there, but for a while I was just doing Encoppola and I think I did yell Rigatoni and a guy went asshole.

So he did understand that guy went, asshole. So he did understand that I am an asshole. So you never know. I try to go in with pretty good intentions. And then I think for the most part, I try to, if it's not translating with that person, I hope it translates back home. So that's kind of the answer to that one. That's excellent.

That's awesome. But I do- We, we really appreciate it because my TV has a Conan O'Brien TV station. So I don't have to pay for anything or give you any money. I can just absorb you that way. Oh, you mean you have a Samsung? Uh-huh. Oh, ta-ting.

If you have a Samsung, that means it has the Conan O'Brien channel. Yeah. Yes, I do. Oh, by all means buy Samsung televisions. First of all, they do the best televisions. Ta-ting! And wonderful flat screens, but also they come with-

And it comes with a cutout of you. Conan O'Brien channel. A cutout of you. Yeah, if you need Conan- A cutout of you. Yeah, yeah, so I'm just saying, if you wanna, you know, if you're enjoying Conan O'Brien, maybe you should check out of Samsung TV,

and I'm not getting any money for this. They also have the 24-7-21 Jump Street channel on there, too. Is that true? It's true, and a Bob Ross channel. I love you on that, too, Conan. Is that true? It's true. And a Bob Ross channel. I'd love to be on that too, Conan. Yeah. Hey, buy it for the 21 Jump Street channel,

but then secretly you'll grow to love it for the Conan O'Brien nonstop channel. Anyway, thank you for convincing me to promote Samsung, which I wasn't promising to do. And again, not part of my contract, but Anthony, you are a great fella. You're a great fella. Thank you.

And I do hope one day our paths cross and that you can find where my vein is. Oh. Oh, wait a minute. That's- That came out real near. That sounded, hey, hey Anthony, come over here. I want you to drain the vein if you know what I mean.

Hey! Oh my goodness. La la la la drain the vein if you know what I mean. Hey! Oh my goodness. La la la la la la la la la la la la la. We have this on recording. We have this on recording. I'm under arrest. I will say this with confidence, Conan,

if you come to me with a blood test sheet or however you wanna do this and you need some blood, I promise you, not that I will try, I promise you I will get you. And guess what? I will get you. Guess what? I want it done. I want it done on stage with your band. It's happening.

You do this- That'll be in the middle of the breakdown. I come out and you, yeah, as the band keeps playing and you occasionally go, Oh. You take my blood. I love this, Anthony. Hey Anthony, very nice talking to you. Thank you. It was an absolute pleasure.

Thank you so much. I salute you and Canada. And then you were gonna say something nice about Sona. Sorry to interrupt you. Yeah, no, that's okay. I was gonna say Sona, thank you for Googling me. Okay. Interrupt. No, but say something nice about Matt too, because he does a lot of work.

This will be fun. Matt. Matt, you're... Matt, you're... Matt, you're... Matt, you're... Matt, you're... Matt, you're... Matt, you're... Matt, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,ourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the

White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend

wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Teen Coco production in association with Interwolf.