Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Introducing Why Won’t You Date Me? With Nicole Byer

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey there, listeners. It's me, Conan O'Brien. I'm dropping in to tell you about something very special, which is that I am sitting here with the very lovely and talented Nicole Byer, who is now an official member of the Team Cocoa family. Yes, it's true. It is true. I'm part of the Team Cocoa family. My show, Why Won't You Date Me, is now in the Conan universe. Yeah. Now, Nicole, now that you're done shouting, tell us, for those who don't know about your show, I do. I've been a fan of yours for a long, long time, and we've had some absolutely hilarious conversations over the years. And you have taught me a great deal. How would you describe this podcast? How would you describe

Starting point is 00:00:48 Why Won't You Date Me? Well, I mean, you said one of the first things. It is a lot of yelling. I love to yell. Yelling is one of my favorite things to do. But it's your show. You do it in a very musical way, though, I have to say. Thank you. It's a very sing-song. It sounds like you're singing, and I love it. Thank you. It's because I can't really sing in real life. I'm pretty tone deaf. So, you know, you got to take the melodies where you could find them. Sure. But the show, Why Won't You Date Me is a show about me and Nicole Byer trying to figure out how I'm still single. And honestly, through the pandemic, it has morphed into more of like, whatever I want to talk about, sprinkled with love and sex.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Because your friend is having a hard time dating during corona. Yeah. And also, I would just want to put it out there. You are very, very candid about your sex life, your desires, your requirements, your needs. And I've learned a ton because I come from a culture where sex is not discussed. And I can listen to you for 20 minutes and learn more about sex and dating and single sex life than I would ever find out in 500 years of real experience. I'm just trying to help the people, to help the people of the world. If you have a question, you can listen to my podcast, and you'll learn a ton. You'll learn about sex. You'll learn about what you can use instead of having sex like a thera-gun. You know, we'll talk

Starting point is 00:02:13 about it more. We'll talk about it more. Yeah. I had a very good time with Nicole on her show, and I just wanted to give you a snippet of what the conversation sounded like. If you want to hear the whole thing, including how you can use a thera-gun to pleasure yourself head on over to why won't you date me wherever you get your podcast. Be sure to hit subscribe. It is a really funny show with great guests like yours truly. And here's a little taste of our conversation. Conan, do you have brothers? Do you have friends who are single? Help me. Help me. Do you have a friend? Yes. I have friends who are single. I'm not going to get you involved with anyone in my

Starting point is 00:03:05 family. But why, Conan? Let me be an O'Brien. You don't want it. Trust me. I do. I want to be an O'Brien. You don't want to be an O'Brien. You're Irish, right? I want to be an O'Brien. Hard to tea. Let me be an O'Brien. Tired to tea. You don't want any part of my family tree. But I do. You're tall. So if I had kids with a family member of yours, I'd have tall kids. What a dang treat. Yeah. Then you'd have, they'd be serially depressed. They'd have all kinds of crazy issues that have a lot of body shame because

Starting point is 00:03:41 that just comes with our culture. They'd have all this ingrained Catholic self-hating stuff that actually is, I think it takes generations, generations to get out. It's going to take generations to fix. You don't want to do that to your kids. But I'll raise my little O'Brien's to love their bodies. They're never going to go to church because I don't go to church. And then they'll be great. It doesn't work that way. It's in our blood. That's the problem. There's body shame. So you can, let's say in an alternate universe, I wasn't married and you and I, and I know this is what the kids, you and I got it on as the kids say today.

Starting point is 00:04:22 Yeah. And then there's a child. You could be the most progressive mom in the world and you would be. And you'd be fantastic. And you'd notice that your son doesn't want to be naked in front of you and also doesn't want to start dating till he's in his mid-30s. Wait, did you not start dating till your mid-30s? No, that's a joke. But still, we're late bloomers. We're not out there when we're 12, 13, and 14, trying to get the condom machine to work at the local gas station. The condom machine? You are old. I've never seen a condom machine. Oh, yes. In my day, there were condom machines. What would happen is your car would run low

Starting point is 00:05:08 on petrol and you'd stop off at a gas station and a bunch of white guys in white uniforms would come out and scrub up your car and you'd go in and you'd say, now it's time to get a condom from the condom machine. And you'd put in a nickel and then you'd say, oh, this is the wrong size. But that's not it. Listen, we went down a dark alley there. Yeah, I told you I was born in 1926 and I've been around a long time. But I will tell you that what goes back to the original point is that my body shame, like my wife is yet to see me naked. I'm constantly clothed. Oh, come on. What's with this body shame, Conan? You're tall. You have all of your teeth and you've got a lovely body. Well, you haven't seen

Starting point is 00:05:57 it. I mean, I can imagine it like you could imagine anybody's body with like their clothes. You see them, you're like, oh, they probably even look like this. Yeah. Now I'm at now add to that image. You have bright, coppery hair. Okay. Okay. And some freckles where freckles shouldn't be. Wow. What little treats. It's like the sun kissed you all over. You know what my mother told me? My mother told me when I was a kid, I asked her, why do I have these freckles? And she said, that's where angels kissed you. That's what my mom told me. And then later I was looking at parts of my body where these freckles were. And I was like, this is borderline abuse. I was abused by angels. Angels shouldn't have been

Starting point is 00:06:42 here. What were they doing down there? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm suing some angels, right? I don't know what they're doing right now. You got to do it. It's been tied up in the courts for years. But I'm saying, I don't, I do think that there's stuff that's ingrained. I do wish honestly that I had grown up because I know over the years I've talked to so many people. And I remember talking to the supermodel Rebecca Romain and she was telling me that she grew up in a very hippie-dippy household. And the parents, because I think maybe, I forget we're there, but it's some Nordic country like the parents were from Sweden or Norway or something. But she said the parents would walk around in the house naked. Like everyone was naked

Starting point is 00:07:28 around each other. And then it was just very natural. And I, whatever that is, I come from the opposite of that. No nudity. No one sees anybody naked. Everyone's fully clothed at all times. Sex is not, we didn't discuss sex when I was growing up. We still don't discuss it. Yeah. And, and when something sexy came on TV, it was like the sixth sense. Everyone could suddenly see their breath if we were all watching television. And this is back before you had a remote control that could, you had to actually go to the TV and turn it. So if we were watching, I remember really clearly PBS was showing this special series called Caligula. And I think my dad probably thought, well, this will be good. Not Caligula.

Starting point is 00:08:12 I'm sorry. I, Claudius, this will be good for the kids. It's about ancient Rome. So we're all sitting around watching this PBS public broadcasting special, same channel that shows Sesame Street. And guys are walking around in Togus and suddenly they cut to a woman and she had her breasts out. And cause it was made in England. And suddenly all of us, the entire family's watching the TV, all of us could see our breath. All of us could see our breath. Like the, like the temperature went down a hundred degrees in the room, but no one could go to the TV and turn it off because that would be admitting what we were seeing. So everyone, and no one can look away because if you look away, that's acknowledging

Starting point is 00:08:56 that they're tits out. So all of us are frozen and we just waited for that scene to end. And then another scene started. And then one by one, we all drifted to different corners of the house and hated ourselves, hated ourselves. All right. You just heard me, Conor O'Brien, being scandalized by the hilarious Nicole Beyer. Nicole, if people want to hear the whole show, where should they go? Well, Conan, thank you for asking me. Guess what? You can find the whole episode on the, why won't you date me feed? And it's available wherever you get your podcasts and be sure to subscribe. And when you say podcast, you mean podcasts. Podcast. Yes. I was just trying to be fancy. I just thought maybe you hiccuped. No, just

Starting point is 00:09:42 try to be a fancy lady.

Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Introducing Why Won’t You Date Me? With Nicole Byer

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