Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - I’ve Needled Many A Perineum

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

Conan chats with Sarah from Portland, Oregon about being a new listener, acupuncture, and dubious nether-regions needle placement. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Codenobrion needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi Sarah, welcome to Codenobrion needs a fan. Hi thanks for having me. Glad to be here. Uh, hello there Sarah and tell us where are you coming to us from?

Where are you right now? Right now I'm in Portland, Oregon. And it's sunny here today. It's normally raining. Okay, I'm looking at behind you, and it looks like either that's a decoration or vines have invaded inside the house and taken over.

It looks very cool, though. Dude, it's my, they're real. I've never been able to keep a plant alive ever in my entire life. So these definitely are real. And it's my office to keep a plant alive ever in my entire life. So these definitely are real and it's my office I couldn't do this at my house because I have a two and a five year old and it's really loud. So I'm at work Right, and who's looking after the children right now? Oh My husband my husband will

Why do you say oh? Well, because I just so I'm just so happy that he gets to stay home like that's the cool part is that he gets to stay home with them So yeah, that's nice hanging out with them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah my wife asked me if I would stay home with the kids and I said fuck no I think that was probably the wrong response. I did I said fuck no. What did the kids say? When when they were really young. Oh, okay, but I was like what do they do for me? I've got a career You know and I took off I haven't seen them since I'm told they're well I'm told there are two of them ones a boy one's a girl. Let's get back to you Sarah

You tell us what you do. Oh, I am an acupuncture. Is have any of you guys had acupuncture before? I have. One time. Okay, I have a story for you Sarah, which is, uh, my wife was telling me you should try acupuncture. You should try acupuncture. So she got me a name. I went in. This woman did acupuncture and we were done. And I said, you know, that was really interesting. I think that was beneficial. I'd like to do this again. And the woman said, well, you are my last client of all time. I'm not kidding, this really happened. And I said, wait, what? And she said, you're my last client today.

And today is my last day as an acupuncturist. And I'm not doing it anymore. And I'm leaving the state. And it wasn't anything I did. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. She was crying. No. She said, yeah, you just happened to be the last person I'm going to do this with.

And so I think that was about seven years ago. And it so put me off that I think on some level. Because I think on some level I thought, I finally, I tried this. It seemed to be working, and the person literally started taking photographs off the wall of the office, as I was putting my shirt back on. And so I just, I don't know, I felt this kind of rejection. Did you say that in sense? Maybe it was a good thing where she's like,

I'm gonna end on Conan O'Brien, I'm gonna end on a high, you know? That's a really sweet way to look at it. But I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay. Well, thanks for sharing that. That's the first time I've ever heard that story. I've heard some weird stories, but that's the best.

But were you to do acupuncture on me? How would you approach me as a subject? Would I, how, what would you do? Would you approach me in a separate way or does everyone get the same treatment? Um, well, everyone gets the same treatment. I mean, so what I would do is I would say, hey, what's up?

Do you have to use the bathroom? Cause I ask all my patients go to the bathroom first. And I say, you bet I do. I have to urinate for 40 minutes. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, I'm a big time urinator. One of the best. Big time urinating, you don't hear that much these days I'm flex. Oh, that's such a flex. Yeah. So anyway, I'm in there. I'm urinating for 40 minutes. I come out and I'm ready to go what happens.

Oh my gosh. I'm going to ask you how your day was and how whether or not, well, like what's wrong with you. And I, even if you just don't come in, Sarah, a lot of people come up to me and say, what is wrong with you? I get that all the time. I love my job because that's all I do is talk about people's problems about them. So I get to talk about them while they're in the room and all about how many things are wrong with them. So, yeah, I'd ask you what's wrong. We would talk about your stress levels. I put you on the table and then I'd start sick and needles all over. Okay, let me ask you a quick question, Sarah. Are you familiar with the podcast? If you listen to it before you familiar with me as a personality?

I am familiar with you as a personality. For sure. And that is why I wanted to talk to you because I have not listened to the podcast as much as I probably should have But I've heard you do on other podcasts and I've become incredibly excited about Wait a minute about yeah, yeah, so you really enjoy me when I'm on other podcasts Dude can I tell you why I have been like a huge Conan pan just over the last three months? Three months I have like a just wait 30 plus year career Sarah Three months

Okay, hold on, letter, letter talk. I'm sure this is gonna be worthwhile. You're gonna love this. Okay, do so I've been hearing so I just like, I honestly just discovered podcasts in general, really. So I was listening to you and other podcasts and we've met before at like a meeting greet. Wait a minute. You I met. When did we meet?

Oh, yeah, man. Well, I think back in 2009, I sent the picture. I don't look like that anymore. You definitely do. you look the same. And... Wait, where did we meet? You came and saw a show or something, a live show? Well, no, I didn't.

We met, it was, you were doing like a... Were you when I married briefly? We were married briefly. I remember that I married an acupuncturist in 2009, but it was a short-lived thing. It was up in Portland. I don't remember much. Yes, well, I have a Christmas card to prove it because we met at an NBC affiliate meet and greet for the advertisers. I was in PR. I didn't want to go. Because I knew you were, but I was like busy. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Sarah, you knew that there was a chance to get a picture with Conan O'Brien and you weren't interested.

I know this. I promise this is going somewhere, but yes, Sarah did someone force you to do this by. I know. Hey, you being held hostage. You're gonna get on the phone and talk to Conan O'Brien or you're never seeing your cat again. Oh my gosh. No. Wait a minute. So, okay. So, I'm not taking this personally. I really, no. Oh, wait a minute, no I am. I am, this is crushing. I'm definitely, at least.

So, you knew, you had seen my work and it, let's just say, didn't excite you, I wasn't your cup of tea. I think that's fair to say, right Sarah? In so many words, yes, yes, yes. Jesus Christ. Wow. So then, so I went and I met you and I got my picture taken.

Was I nice in the moment? In the moment, yes, listen, listen, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I knew who you were and I, so when I first saw you in person, I was like this, he is really tall. Like you are extremely tall and you can't really tell that, but you're tall. And then I realized that, you know, I wasn't an acupuncture at the time,

but I realized I could hit your vibe. And you were like, very kind and nice. And I wasn't expecting that from like, quote unquote, celebrity celebrities are not my vibe, but I've met enough of them through the work I did before acupuncture, but you had a good vibe. So, and I was young and single. So that picture that we took together,

I sent as my Christmas card, and my, I promise this is gonna, I'm gonna tell you how great you are in a minute, but we got this Christmas card. So you sent me out, you sent the picture of the two of us together out as a Christmas card. And how did that go over with people?

Oh my gosh, my aunt and my cousin, they told me this two separate locations, two separate times, not the same aunt and uncle, or not the same two different families. And both of them said, we opened the card and we were so excited to see who it was. And because you were with a man, and then we saw it was Conan O'Brien. So it was again, this is like, they were, they were disappointed that it was me. They were disappointed. It was you because I wasn't

with like a real person. Oh, I see. Okay. You were, yes, they knew that I was not someone who was a potential, husband material. Oh, okay. That's why. It's not like they were anti-Counen. Oh, good no. Oh, good no.

That's your idea. That's Sarah. Not them. But Sarah is, yeah. They were disappointed that I didn't have a boyfriend at that time. Good. Good. Oh, this is it. And it was just Conan over. I am. Well, don't say just Conan over. I am.

Okay, but listen, listen, listen, listen. So I, anyway, learned about you, hearing you in different podcasts and like, I'm very serious when I say this. But not Conan. And I don't know you at all. We met once, but you are a super cool dude. Oh, it's nice. And I mean, the way I can just tell you're really nice and you handle your staff really well, right?

You're very kind to them. And I own my own business, the tiny little business I own as an acupuncturist. And you are, you know, run things on a different level. But listening to how you have handled all sorts of situations because unfortunately, unlike my life, your life is all over the place. But you seem just like such a cool, such a nice person. You love what you do.

And that's why I love you, Conan. This is the last session that you have. Also nice, well Sarah, thank you. I know it took me a long time, but I finally got to Sarah and she's we I think we're connecting, which leads me to my next question, Sarah. I let's say I show up and I come see you and I want treatment. What would you do specifically for me that might help me knowing what you know about me and all that kind of stuff? Knowing what I know about you, I would choose the point right between your eyes.

And this is why you'd put a needle between my eyes double tap to the head. Yeah, dude, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the reason why is it, what would it do is it would kind of get you back into like yourself and stop worrying about everyone around you and just like realize that you are often. Oh, that's, I, I, okay, I think you're onto something. I've actually paused, I paused for a second because I think a lot about how I'm,

I had an improv teacher years and years and years ago, long before I was on TV, and I was doing really well in the class and just constantly getting a lot of laughs and everything. And then the teacher said, could I have a second to talk to you? And I said, sure. And I thought she was going to say, you're the fastest mind I've ever seen. She said, you're so fast and you're so clever. Stop thinking so much. Just breathe when you're up there and stop leading with that.

And I thought, oh, that's fascinating. And it was the best advice I ever heard, but my, but I think you're onto something that to quote the Ramones, I love to be sedated. I'm, I'm, I'm happiest when, and I've talked about this a lot, but I'm happy when it's like, it's like, it's a colonoscopy. We're going to put you under for it. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't love the camera up the ass, but I love someone shutting down this thing in my brain that's trying to think about all the possibilities. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And when I'm doing this with patients, I often say this is like your Gremlin killer or the mute button to your Gremlin. And your Gremlin is always that voice in the back of your head

that is going on and on and telling you for all of the reasons that you're doing, all the things you do are wrong. And that's a mean voice. So this often mutes that. Okay, this is why I that on how long would you leave the needle in and can the needle stay in forever? That's my question. Can I just get a needle and do that now to him? Can I just How deep does the needle go? It depends on the part of the body. So this one would go probably just a millimeter maybe, but I use a lot of three inch and five

and an inch needles when people are coming in with like back pain and glute pain and stuff. So they can get pretty long. How many needles would you put into my body, do you think? Yours? Yeah. 10 or 12. We were told to ask you about one particular position

of needle called the dew one. Would you explain what that is? And would you do that to Conan? So dew one, first I'll tell you the anatomical location between the anus and the sexual organs, and otherwise known as the taint. So that is yes definitely an acupuncture point. Would I do it on Conan? Custard question, what if there's already something there?

Oh no! No! What? Let's just say a decorative ring. What? A piercing. Uh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Can I say what? No, I mean an actual brass. A trailer hitch? Ring.

Well, it's actually handy for car keys. Ah. You can get to the tape real fast when you need to grab something. Oh. What does the acupuncture there do to a person? Oh, good question. So in acupuncture school, we've all had it done to us. And you know, but leave it or not in the Chinese medicine texts.

It says that you one will calm the mind. And I was like, that's bullshit in a way. It does. It kind of does what this point does up here, except it's in the change. That's a really interesting experience. I love it. You whispered that into a microphone, except it's in the taint. I hope no one heard that.

Now wait a minute, were you two, this is getting into delicate area, of course, in many ways, but, you know, the way a masseuse is always careful to cover certain areas, there's no way that you can jam a needle into my taint and not see everything, isn't that right? Well, this is a good point, but have you ever been waxed before? Waxed, no. Well, I mean, like, when, so... I have never been, I have never been waxed, never. You've never been waxed? No, I don't like, when so. I have never been, I have never been waxed.

Never. You've never been waxed. No, I don't think that's something. Are you surprised? I've never been either. Yeah, I don't know. I've been a little surprised. I've been waxed. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you gotta just put it out there. And then they just gotta do their thing. I think she's saying that there is a way to cover it up. So it sounds like you want to Special like Well, wait, let's let Okay, we're gonna let me let me let me let me try and We have to be very careful here and very specific Sarah are you saying that there's a way to cover up

So that the taint can be probed But you don't see other things. Is that right? Oh, yeah, man, on your side, you have the, you have the patiently on their side. Oh, lift up the butt cheek just like a Brazilian wax. Well, wait a minute. So no, what you're saying that are you sure you're going first of all? Where is this? Is this at a warehouse and are there's a lot of giggling?

No, she's, she's right. First of all, is this is it a warehouse and are there's a lot of giggling? She's right. I haven't gotten for a long was this a jugal of Say so what happened when you know she's right you do get on your side and you Help that's not what you just said. Yeah, I think you were Flayed out on the table, but that's for part of it, but it's not all of it. Not the taint part. Not the taint part. No, no, that part you could be. It's just unbelievable.

Lay on your side. I mean, I don't know. I don't have one friend who hasn't been waxed before. So this is what I think only news to. Can I just say something? You're a male friends get waxed. Oh no, I don't have any male friends. I just have a husband.

But all my friends are girls. Yeah, I'm just saying, I think it's a- Well guys get waxed. I don't think they do. Just just down below. I'm getting, we're getting a thumbs down from every other guy here. Okay, all right.

Guys do not get waxed down there. If anything, I have more hair put on. Okay, all right. No, I thought I thought right guys do not get wax down there if anything I have more hair put on okay I Have needle the number of Renians and oh my god men and women and I love any story that starts that way Thinking of an old C. Can an old guy Bennett C tell us old man would have... I've needled many a perennium. What? Did you ever see any whales?

No, never a whale. Did you ever go to sea? Not for you, you know. But I've needled many a perennium. I've used a whale bone needle. Oh, gather round, you maities. So you've needled a perennium and it's no big deal. No, I'm not at all. I wouldn't needle yours unless you needed it. So Sam, to your question to bring it all back

No, I would not needle your. But you did you did dudes all of them had hair there. There was some that were probably waxed. I'm guessing Well, that's what I was gonna say. I have not actually seen a waxed taint of a dude before. All right. Well, then you haven't truly lived, have you? No. I mean, come on. You know, you're a noose of waxed taint. That's gonna be the death site regret at 99.

You're up in Poland. I never saw a waxed taint. I've seen a sasscoach in a Yeti, but never, never once. It's actually why, Tate, okay hang on grandma, we're getting, we're getting Barry in here. She's gone. Sarah, that's incredible. It works. Tell me, I mean, there are some people that might say, I don't think, I don't see how touching these different parts of the body with a needle

could work, but how, but it does work. Clearly it works. This has been around for a thousand years and, you know, there are no reason to say it hasn't. Oh, boy. So my question, my question is, is it, how does it work? How does it work? Mrs. I haven't answered.

This is my job and I love to talk about it. So think about your brain or think about your body as if it's made up of a bunch of channels that run from head to toe. When there's pain or when there's stress or when there's something that's bothering you in Chinese medicine, because we're all acupuncture, so we're all Chinese medicine doctors. According to Chinese medicine theory, when there is pain blockage, something that, you know, is ailing you, it means that the river that grows from head to toe, that channel that runs through

your body is blocked. And it's my job to figure out why is it blocked. And so that's why I would ask you a lot of different questions, probably look at your tongue, take your pulse, and your river could be blocked because there's a dam there, and rivers not flin us. Water isn't flowing, we call it Chi in Chinese medicine isn't flowing. The river could be blocked because there's a dam further up the channel or the dam could be blocked and there's no river or there's no root, there's nothing in the river flowing down because there just isn't any water. Does that make sense? Yeah, kind of. I think I have a dam, but it's hydroelectric. Oh, that's a problem. And it's generating, no, it's generating a ton of power. Okay. Yeah, so I think that's I think I do have a damn

But it's actually I'm profiting from it in some weird way. Yes, absolutely run 100% yeah Sarah, do you have any question for me? Is there anything I can do to help you? Before I fly to Portland and you jam a needle into my tank Take a shower a but then, my question to you is, what is your self-care regimen? Like, lots of people use acupuncture. What's yours? To be honest, I think the best way I take care of myself is I do exercise a lot. I get my heart rate up a lot. I get my heart rate up a lot. So in that way, I think, and I have a lot

of different things that I like to do. I like to move. I like to feel like I'm in pretty good shape. So that's good. When I'm not great at is getting a massage or that, that kind of spa self care, I'm just, I'm not good at arranging it. I get self-conscious about it. I come from a family where people don't really do that. So I think that I grew up probably biased against it and the times in my life when I have had like a really good massage, it's a religious experience. And I'm a very pleasant person who's in touch with God afterwards.

And I don't know why I don't do that more, but I don't. And so it's problematic. And I should explore things like acupuncture. And I should explore why not. You know, I'm a curious person. There's a lot to find out. So I should explore that. Yeah, give it a shot.

You have to go more than once. It's cumulative, but it is definitely worth the time. I tell my patients all the time. I mean, the only thing that you have to invest in is the time getting to the appointment and then all the other work is done in the room. And it's not me. It's just the needles and really your body. You know me, what I'd want to do is come get, have you do acupuncture on me,

stand up, take a tall drink of water and then have water shoot out of all these tiny holes. That I've spent a lot of time in money rigging just to get that one cheap laugh. That would be good. That's good. And that I would spend so much time working on that and so much money that I would get no benefit from the acupuncture. And I'd be like, hey, Sarah, well that was a great acupuncture session. Now time for next, swig of water.

And on the water would shoot out and you'd go, that's so lame. Why did you do that? And you got water all over the place. And I'd say pretty funny bid, eh? And you'd say no, my relatives were right. You are disappointed. You know, in the movies when it's bullet holes

that do that, it just kind of drizzles out, but these would be tiny little tiny just little laser skins of water that run right between my eyes and of course one in the other regions. Sarah, very nice talk into you. I like you. I'm glad that it was slow to win you over, but we finally did.

That's the important thing. It's cumulative. Yeah, it is. It is cumulative. Thank you. Yeah, you need many more, you need many more Conan treatments. It's cumulative. So. Well, it is. It is cumulative. Thank you. Yeah, you need many more Conan treatments. It's cumulative.

So. Well, thank you for being so great. And you are my business mentor in my brain. So when I'm talking about what my choices are, I always kind of go by your, what I've decided is your like dogma. So thank you very much. Well, thank you very much.

It's been cool talking to you. And we'll see you on down the road. Bye. Bye. Bye, Sarah. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley, produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher

at Ear Wolf, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien. Needs a friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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