Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Jack McBrayer

Episode Date: September 19, 2022

Actor and comedian Jack McBrayer feels honored about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Jack sits down with Conan to discuss working in a factory, landing the role of Kenneth on 30 Rock, and being invited to a big celebrity wedding (in India). Plus, Conan and his team finally get to the bottom of the mysterious maybe-fake caller from last week’s segment.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Jack McBrayer and I feel honored about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, as always. Join my good pals. That's not a real sentence. I said, join my, join my good pals. This is stroke prevention week. If you think you're having a stroke, immediately chew some aspirin and then operate on your own head with a knitting needle. I'm here with Matt Gorley and I'm here with Sonam Obsession. Now I can feel my face again. I want to mention someone who I believe we brought him into the conversation before, but he's one of the unsung heroes here, Eduardo. Eduardo. Yes. You do a wonderful job. Thank you, sir. As do you. You're on thin ice with me, Eduardo. What is your, what is your exact

title, Eduardo? Audio engineer for simple terms. Production audio engineer, whatever you want to call it. So Eduardo and I get along fine. He's very good at what he does and he, he did a brilliant job setting up this new podcast studio that we have and we are indebted to you, sir. But you and I have run afoul of one another. We have. Because I guess you're a music fan and you started, in my opinion, aggressively choosing the music that would be playing even before we start recording. So I would come in and you made some strong choices early on. I played some, I think you called it aggressive jazz when I first. I came in here and it was scoo-de-loo-doo-doo jazz, you know. Scatting jazz kind of. It was that kind of jazz. And you, I didn't know if you were running an after hours

club. You offered me a brandy. You said have a seat, daddio. Sounds pretty good. I underestimated your level of coolness. Anywho, Eduardo, I came in and I said, what's with the music? And it's interesting. I think a lot of people in your position probably at that point would have killed all music. But no, you kept swinging for the fences and every time I come in, there's new genres playing, new tunes. And today I came in, you had the killers blaring. That's right. Which should I admit that you thought it was Maroon 5? Okay. Not to throw it on the bus. You did though. I didn't have any idea who it was. But I just said, hey, let's can it with the Maroon 5. I wasn't trying to actually identify them as Maroon 5. But it's just all music in general. I'm not ready to hear

music when I come in here. I think that might be it. To be honest, I'm enraged right now. And I'm going to tell you why. It's because earlier, you guys were having an exchange and Eduardo was telling you how to position your mic and you're like, thank you, Eduardo. And then that was it. And then there was no bid afterwards. And then now the only gripe you have with him is music. You told people I was a vampire for like the first two years that I knew you. I honestly thought you were. And you're a whole girl. I honestly thought that you drank the blood of the living. Okay. That you slept mostly during the day. I think that you had to be covered in the native soil of Armenia before these were things I thought were true. Well, we've moved on from that. But my thing

is your whole thing now with Eduardo is that just he plays music you don't like. I'm enraged. No, no, I think it's I'm so angry. Well, first of all, Eduardo is very accomplished at what he does. Yes. And does a very good job. You famously, and you've written a book about how you're terrible what you do. I think it's called World's Worst Assistant. That was your title, not mine by Sonoma Sessian. I appreciate the plug. But this you need a better you need you need to shit on Eduardo. Yeah, I think it's time. I'm upset. No, no, first on all of us. You should on Adam, you should on Blay, you should on Matt. I'm just gonna be I'm gonna be really honest with you. Eduardo is very knowledgeable. He's very skilled. He's a good looking fella. I come in here. He's

just killing it day in, day out. And so other than him playing music loudly whenever I come into the studio, which, you know, isn't my favorite thing. I have no gripe with Eduardo. Eduardo is we're lucky to have him. I can't say that about you. But you don't need gripes. You don't need gripes. You make fun of his tweet and you make fun of Adam with his Rolls Royce and you just make fun of Blay. Just in general. I mean, Matt Gorley is a legitimately comical character. You know, he comes in here. You are. You have your stuff that you just bought on eBay and doubling down. We're in a great house. You got on Etsy. You're just a Haynes teacher. Right. Right. You dressed offensively now because the

first couple of times you showed up when I first met him, he was wearing a show up homes Deerstalker cap that he got on Etsy. Why are you laughing? Yes. It's true. Why are you laughing? He smokes a kooky pipe. He's turning us against each other. Do you see that? No, but you see that. Aren't you? Aren't you? I agree. There's nothing mean about Eduardo. Eduardo is just, what are you going to say? Back me up on this. You shut up, you motherfucker. Oh, my God. You know what I love? You just read that swear off on the car you wrote, because you've been practicing that to seem less gorli-ish. So hard. No. You midderfacker. Go out of the car, you stupid scrooge. You're a big fuzz. Dick. Straight on weirdo.

He just can't do it. He can't do it. He can't do it. It's coming off a little. You can't do it. It was a two. I'm getting strong civilian energy from Soda, right? As somebody who has two older sisters, I have one specifically who would always tell my mom or dad, hey, why are you yelling at me? Yes. Yeah, like him. Same. But see, anyone listening right now is like, man, I could listen to Eduardo all day, you know? And we've done studies that show that, Sona, when you start talking, people turn the radio way down just because of the volume. The radio. When people listen to this, and they gather around the Philco, and they've come in, and they're wearing their bib overalls, because they've been toiling all day in the field,

and it's time to listen to the Conor and Brian podcast hour on the old Philco. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. Okay. And now this program brought you by ConCob cookies. Drink your jar at all. Now made with real ConCob. Let's go. I'm so angry. All right. Well, anyway, you're the best, Eduardo. And this sounds beautiful because of you. Thank you. Nicely done. No, you don't even listen. I can't listen to this crap. I've got things to do. This is absolute shit. My guest today, right from ConCob into this, my guest today played Kenneth the Page on the NBC series, 30 Rock. He's also appeared in countless sketches on my show over the years. He sure has. He played some kind of farmer and everyone.

Now you can see him in the Apple TV plus series. Hello, Jack, The Kindness Show. I am very excited to chat with my old buddy today. Jack McBrayer, welcome. You and I have a very odd relationship, and I want to clue the listeners in. I want to say I met you in, was it 95, 96? 2002. You're way off. Who am I thinking of? Who am I thinking of? You're looking at me? I didn't know you then. I thought I knew you a lot longer than that. No, a bunch of the Chicago writers had come to your late night show back in the 90s, but I'd never even been to New York till 2002. You first arrived in New York City in 2002. Yeah. Okay. I didn't do any research for this. You are, which guy is he? That's Jack McBrayer. Oh, Jack McBrayer. Jack. I just said it.

A lot of people say they're Jack McBrayer. Who? This guy, Jack McBrayer. Touche. I've known you since, let's say 2002. You come to New York. Let's hope still a long time. Not as long as I thought I knew you. I really thought I knew you since 95, but that's clearly someone else I'm thinking of. But that's a long time and I don't think, and I'm being honest here, that you and I have ever had a long, real conversation. Oh, you might be right. Yeah. Now, what do you think the problem is? You. Yeah, it's not him. Yeah. 100%. Well, hold on. Let's get to something straight. First of all, I'll describe what I do, which is. Abuse. Hold on. Let me just. Sorry. Let me get to this particular type of abuse,

because it's important to be clear. Okay. Jack, I always, we go into, I go into shtick, where you are the country room, and I am the cruel city slicker. And we've been doing this since I met you. You've been to my house many times. Yes. Invited. Yeah, I know. I know. And we've spent hours and hours together. I'm never real. And part of the problem, and I just want to say this to Matt and Sona, is that he is so good at playing his part. Yes. You always go into, sir, I did. Well, please, sir, you are wrong, sir. And that keeps me going. You have to admit that you. That's victim blaming. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That is victim blaming. Well, that's your contribution to that argument. Jesus. That is victim blaming. I don't know what

law school you went to. Repeat with emphasis law. I have to tell you, excuse me. They said, and I agree. He repeated with emphasis. There you go. So we've known each other a long time, and this is the kind of stuff that we do. It's fun. And I ran into mutual friend, Mr. John Ham, just the other day. And what did we talk about? Yes, about the time you came backstage at one of my shows. Yes. And I had a guitar on, strapped on, and I was doing my way, way, way. It's Jack McBrayer, shtick. And you were saying, sir, please, sir, no, sir. And then I started to play Dueling Banjo's theme, doon, doon, doon, doon, doon on the guitar. And you started to clog dance against your will. And Jack and we were. What's that? John Ham. Yeah. John Ham was

chuckling about that memory. I remember that because it showed up in a documentary, a critic acting is for the New York Times saying, this is terrible, Conan. His cruel side came out, and he forced Jack to dance. As if you have no control over what you do when someone plays Dueling Banjo's. But that has been our dynamic. Yes? I don't know. I did feel bullied there. Oh, here it is. But listen, I don't. Nice. I am here to have a, I'm here to try and have a real conversation with you, get to the real Jack McBrayer, not any of our old shenanigans where I role play. So let's go through, I do have research on the real you. That's true. I do. You were born in Corn Cobb, Georgia. Okay. Jesus. Thank you for having me. This was a lot of fun.

Your father is a tractor. My father's a tractor. Yeah. Your mother is a corn silo. None of this. When you first came to the big city, it was on that bus. That bus? And you had a cardboard suitcase. When you disembarked in New York, did you or did you not step off the bus and go, garsh. They sure made these buildings real tall. Where did you research this? You called an elevator a moving room for six years. They changed all the furniture around between the time I got on and I got off. It's completely different. Is this true? None of this is true. Cardboard suitcase, that's a box. I think I have the facts on my side. You refused to go on 30 Rock for a while because you were

afraid those cameras would capture your spirit. True or false? Way false. Extremely false. You said to Tina Fey, this is a quote. I'm going to want my spirit back. No. No. The opposite. No. No. No. The car that you drove here in is made of husks that were woven together. True or false? Very false. There's not a corn cob car. Hey, I'm just going to make a sort of symbolic button and if any time you press that, you can tag out and I'll just go to town. Someone here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm real scared. Yeah. I'm just going to get brutal. So that's just there if you need it. Okay. If at any point the baby lamb gets scared of the tiger, he's going to tap out

and the wounded black cap chickadee is going to leave its nest and come after me. Anyway, this is the nonsense that we engage in and I want to, no, that's not it. It's not the word I was looking for. Oh, I want to congratulate you on being such a good improv partner with me all these years. You know what? I do have to comment on that. On paper, this is not good improv and I'll tell you why. Because you deny everything. I say no to every single thing. I ask questions. If you transcribe to my conversations, that's bad improv. What's really funny is that all of the quote improv we do is me laying out ridiculous details. And you are trained. You are second city trained as an improviser. You are an excellent improviser, very funny guy,

very talented, but you break all the improv rules with me, which is everything I say, you say, no, sir, no, sir, that is not true, sir. My mother is not a tractor, sir. And then I keep going and you say, well, I don't like this at all. You deny all the information, which is the worst thing you can do in improv. But when you do it, it's so funny. And I remember, I've talked about this before with you many times, but you did 60, I didn't realize there were so many 60 different bits for me on late night. Long before you got 30 Rock, you would come on the show and you would do bits on late night for us. You were always hilarious, usually playing a certain part, let's say. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, honestly, you were usually the kid in overalls who said garsh,

you know, but it's okay. Or you had a milk pay or whatever, you were looking for your blueberries. But it's true, that's what we used to cast you in, because that's kind of what you play. And not that you're limited to that, but that's what your abilities will let you play. And so, wait, you are, that means you're limited. Okay, well, what note was that? What do you? But I used to do my thing, you'd come through the doors and I'd be like, way, well, Jack, and this was at rehearsal and you would say, sir, please, sir, no, sir, sir, I do not like what you were saying, sir. I do not smell like him. I do not smell like him. Sam, I am. I do not like his green eggs and ham. And then the crew once came and talked to me and said, you know,

you were real tough on Jack. And I said, what? Do you really? He said, Jackson, you're nice to everybody, but when Jack comes by, you start smelling the air and saying that you detect the slight aroma of wet manure, wet manure. Hey, hey, you always ask where my mule is, where I park it. And I'd always do this over the top voice like, nah, wait, wait, wait, but isn't Jack McPraier? And the crew really thought that I had suddenly become this over the top city slicker and that you were indignant that I thought you had a mule. I have to admit, it made me laugh, it made me laugh more than anybody. But here's what was funniest to me is, you know, there was a job to be done. And so you'd walk in and I know you'd like catch me in the periphery that I was there.

And so you wouldn't even look at me. You just start going, as like writers were coming up to you, like asking for notes and stuff, you would like hold production to mock me. Now, you have to admit my commitment to the bit is extraordinary. I mean, yeah, to the ruin relationships. And no, I actually was thinking about it today. God forbid something happened to you, or something happened to me. One of us would go to the other's memorial and people would say, what did this person mean? You'd go like, I never talked to him. All I did was berate him as a city slicker from a cartoon. And all he did was defend himself as like an animated corn cob who was standing up for his rights. But seriously, we both live in a cartoon reality a little bit. That's true. And that's

okay. I don't think it is. Let's talk about the real you because I do want to get to know you after, God knows, 20 years of me behaving like an ass and you enabling it by not sticking up for yourself. So you're again, your fault victim blaming. No, surviving. You were born and raised in Conyers, Georgia. Born in Macon, Georgia, which is right in the middle of Georgia, when I was 15, I moved to Conyers, Georgia. Okay. And Conyers, I've been to Macon. I bought a bumper sticker that said, I'm making it and making. Oh, okay. I did. I did. Very proud of myself. I did go to Macon, Georgia. I'm guessing Conyers is smaller and not as bustling as Macon. That is correct. Okay. That is correct. Okay. But it's closer to Atlanta.

Okay. We'll take you through this. This is going to be a painless procedure where we get to know each other and then we'll get back to our shtick. Yeah. You were interested in comedy always? I was interested in it, but I didn't know anything about performing it because in Georgia, there was no frame of reference for it. So there was no doing improv with the local kids or anything like that. There was just... No, I would do bits with my friends and stuff on a very unofficial capacity. I understand. So when did you know, in high school, you were in plays? Yes. So in Conyers, so 15, 16, 17, I would do the plays in high school. And I was off in the comic relief, which was super fun. I guess I got bit by the bug then. But when it

was time to go to college, I was like, well, I don't know if I can make a career out of this because I never knew anybody who could make a career out of it. So when I went off to college in Indiana, I just studied a program so I could be part of the theater department, but I was getting some business courses and all that kind of stuff. It was a BS in theater management. Do you know how to manage a theater? I do. I don't want to. You kind of have to now, don't you think? No. Well, no, that's not how this works. What do you mean? No, just whatever you study doesn't set your path for a while. Eventually. Yeah. No. You've had your success. Now it's time to go manage a theater.

I don't think that's not right. That doesn't even make sense. You've had a good run. You've had a lot of success. What did you study in college? History and literature of American South. You know, I studied south. Dig up bones or whatever that means. Dig up bones. I read Faulkner and Flannery O'Connor. I studied the modernist. I think I didn't dig up bones. I don't know. Well, stop yelling at me and go do more of that. That was not yelling. That was me speaking in a normal tone of voice with a slight edge to it because you're enraging me. Okay. I would like to leave and you have to honor that.

Yeah. This is false imprisonment. I just want to point out to the listener that while we've been talking, Jack has been buttering the microphone to chomp it like an ear of corn. True or false? Very false. Okay. I was just saying. Oh, so there are cameras. There's video evidence that I did not do that. He forgot I had microphones. He forgot to butter a microphone. Because you wanted to take a good old chomp out of it. That's why. I have a sip of my tea. That's not tea. I think it is. By the way, I'm going to get a plug out for

your favorite drink and everyone who knows Jack knows that his favorite drink is Mountain Dew. And I'm going to say it's a radioactive yellow. Doesn't that look like something in a fusion reactor? Yes, exactly. And that is the drink that you must have. Is that true? I mean, I must have it. Well, it's in your rider. We have been told at times when we have done work together that you would like Mountain Dew there. Okay. True or false? See, I don't like this grilling. But here's the thing. I don't drink coffee. And so I'd need caffeine. And so Mountain Dew. Best way to get it is through this radioactive yellow drink.

Okay, look. Mountain Dew. Nature. This is good. It's all natural. Oh, man. It looks like the Hulk's urine, doesn't it? Again, natural. Bumbarded with gamma rays. We're never going to get a sponsorship from them. No, I don't think so. Okay, now you worked for a factory in a time. Did you not? What factory was it? It was called Kafka Pool Manufacturing. And what we did is we took the vinyl swimming pool liners that go in the bottom of your swimming pool and, you know, those big sheets of plastic that we would then weld together with this. Okay, that sounds like a tough job.

It was not easy or fun. And there's probably a lot of fumes and stuff, right? Yeah. I mean, God knows what happened to you there. You're working in an enclosed space with this strange chemicals. Okay, yeah. It was fine. It was big and open, like, you know, those big garage doors that were open. So we got ventilation. It was real hot. It was summertime in Georgia. Yes. And so un-air conditioned. But yeah, probably not the best. Because I've seen footage of you before you worked for the fact, you did not have a southern accent. No, he did. He sounded like Winston Churchill. What happened to you just talking to him,

like you said, like normally? You're right. I get back to that. So you worked in this factory. A lot of fumes. We don't know what happened to you, but I'm fine. Okay. And then you also worked at an Applebee's, right? I did. And in between there was a Poe folks. What's a Poe folks? It's a restaurant. It's home style cooking. It just means fried food. It was real good, you know. Was it Poe after poor boy, like Poe Boy or Poe after poor? I think it was Poe after poor. But that does beg the question. Poe Boy would probably be poor, right? Yeah.

So yeah, I think it's the same thing. But yeah, so I went from factory to restaurant. To show biz. Well, let's get to the part that I think most people are going to be interested in. I don't know my listeners that well, but I'm assuming they want to hear more about you pressing pieces of vinyl together in an enclosed space. I mean, it was a factory job. Yeah. I was 18. Or 18. You were, it's an honest living. It was. You go on, you get your education, learn your letters and such. Then you go, excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse him.

No, excuse you. Well, thank you. Did you, that's not an insulting to say you learned your letters, is it? At age 18? I don't, I'm proud of you for taking, having the courage to realize you had a limitation and you've passed through it. This is the second time you've mentioned limitations with me. I'm getting tired of it. There you go. Yes. I'm sorry. You go to second city and there you meet, you hit the sweet spot because tell me who's there when you're there. Okay. So the first show I saw at second city, I moved there in the summer of 95. I just graduated college. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to go to a

big city that wasn't necessarily Atlanta. I just wanted to see more of the country, more of the world. I moved to Chicago. So the summer of 95, there's this crazy heatwave in Chicago. It killed people. Like 800 people died in Chicago that year. So here I am with my cardboard suitcase. No one to blame but you're so harsh. That trains up in the sky. The elevated train in Chicago. No, I get it. But so that was my first, you know, taste of life in the big city and it was so hot. One of my roommates was saying like, Hey, you know what? There's a comedy theater downtown. They do free improv after their show, cheap beer and it's air condition. I was like sold. So I went to second city for one of their free improv sets and I'll never forget it. That was

like my aha moment. Exactly. So it would have been, I think Adam McKay, John Glazer, Kevin Dorff, Rachel Dratch, Jenna Jalovitz and I think Scott Allman were on stage then. And so that's when I just fell in love. And it really was one of those things where I was like, this is what I do with my friends just like hanging out. They're doing this for a job. This whole audience has eaten them up with a spoon. And so I like, I want to do this. So I signed up for the classes and you know, I would just keep going back to shows. I would see Tina Fey who joined the main stage taking the place of John Glazer. It was just so fun to see the evolution of these things. And for me, like the feather in my cap, you know, and of course going all through all that,

but from remembering that point in 1995 to working my way up and then being able to work with Adam McKay and being able to work with John Glazer and Rachel Dratch and Tina Fey and Kevin Dorff and like all these people who like inspired me, that's pretty cool. It was fun and I do not take it for granted. And then you come to New York. They were the bridge that got me to you. Yeah. You came to New York and you started doing stuff for us. And then it was really fun because for years you did bits for us, then you get cast in 30 Rock and you start coming on as a celebrity, which was, you know, I mean, just wrong. Wait, what? No, no, it was just, it was really cool to see that happen to you. It's no fun when I'm sincere, but

damn it, it's not as funny. I'll get this sincere shit out of the way, but it was really nice to see you. You're always a very talented and funny, sweet guy and you did all this great work for us. And then you became Jack McBrayer and we would have you on as Jack McBrayer and the crowd would be like, oh my God, there he is. Right. When, you know, you didn't have to be dressed as a mule or a spinning wheel or anything. I just chose to. Yeah, exactly. You still came on as a mule, but that was your choice. So, but you come on and when Tina approached you to play this page, Kenneth on the show on 30 Rock, did you look at the character and just know exactly how to do it? I did. She kind of wrote to you. She did. And I don't think that's any secret at all, but

Tina, I knew Tina from Chicago Second City Days. Her husband, Jeff Richmond, was my director at Second City. So I was definitely connected to them and they knew my work. So when it came time for her to write the pilot for 30 Rock, they did add a page and I think it was written towards me. I still had to audition and everything, but man, I'm glad. How did you prepare for that? Did you? Well, I knew that script backwards and forwards because even though Tina was really rooting for me, you know, I still had to prove myself to all the network, the studio, all that kind of thing. So I got prepared and I don't know if you know this story. Do you know the story about when I put myself on tape for the 30 Rock audition? I happened to be in New York. So this would have

been the summer of 2005. And I happened to be in New York, I think for an improv festival. Tina got wind that I was in town. So she was like, Hey, I know you're in town. Will you stop by the NBC casting people, put yourself on tape for the untitled Tina Fey pilot? And I was like, oh, yeah. So I knew because I knew that she had like kind of tailored it towards me. I needed to crush this. I needed to knock it out of the park. So besides being very prepared, I was like, how can I make the best impression possible? You know, I've actually played a page on Conan's late night show multiple times. I wonder if so. I called up y'all's page desk and I got up there and I talked to wardrobe. I was like, can I borrow just for 20 minutes, a page uniform? Well, yeah,

whatever. So they put me in there, you're herring your makeup people like, you know, gussied me up. And I went upstairs to the whatever floor, put myself on tape for the unpiled Tina Fey pilot. And that is the tape that got me through the studio, through the network. It got me the job. It got me the job. Is it fair for me to say? No, whatever you're gonna say. No, you can't, you use my wardrobe. You use my makeup. And see, this was supposed to be a nice story. And here you go. I'm sure I deserve some percentage. I'm sure you don't. I did not know that. I did not know that you had stepped on my back to reach this great height. But whatever, I'm used to it. What else is new? You play that part. And I remembered, it's so funny, I occasionally remember,

wait a minute, I'm in the early 30s rocks. I completely forgot. Yeah. Because I remembered Tina coming by to shoot a part where I think Tracy was on my show episodes. Tracy does Conan. Yeah. And then the sixth episode of the first season. Yeah. And then she has, she I guess we used to go out was the idea. Correct. I think I was Tina's Liz Lemons old boyfriend. Correct. Yeah, we're supposed to lose your virginity to each other. Yes. Yeah. And then, which is very plausible. And then I did a scene, I remembered I had a scene with Alec Baldwin on the show once. And so I remembered, that was just the very beginning of the show. And then the show took off. Yeah. They did not meet me. You came back. We made

many references to you. Yes. I remembered, I think Tim Conway's character had a great reference. He was such a funny joke. Tim Conway, I think Tim Conway's line was something like, I saw Conan Bryant. Who is she and why is she so sad? Honestly, I think it was like, I saw a tall lesbian with a guitar. Who is Conan and why is she so sad? Okay, better. That's such a great, I saw a tall lesbian in the hallway. Stupid. But it was, makes me very happy. And I think at the very end, they brought me in for a thing to sort of tie up the loose ends. Correct. And we actually had a little bit in that same episode, Tracy does Conan, where I'm pretending to be a guest on your late night show as Ken at the

page. And then I start clogging for the audience. Oh my God. And you walk through and say something terrible. I know. So what happened was we institutionalized this bit we were doing with each other, became institutionalized. So yeah, so you do that. And then you start to have, you branch out, and you've had quite some success with say the Wreck-It Ralph. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend just, which led to, I had a Christmas party once at my house, which, and you're always invited to the Christmas party. It's a fun party. And you always show up fairly early. Okay. And you and one other person are always the last to leave. Do you know who it is? Joel McHale. Yes. You guys do not leave. My wife will go to bed

and do a lot of like fake yawning and then say, well, time to turn in the sun's coming up. And you two will look at each other and say, Hey, Conan, you know, there's any ham left? Seriously. And then we sit around the table and we eat ham. With our hands. With our hands, like monsters. Some of my son's friends were there and some of my daughter's friends were there one year. And this girl came up to you. Remember, I want to say, I won't give her name away because I think it's unfair when it's a child. Of course. But let's say she's about nine or 10 years old at the time. And she walked up to you and you were standing there dressed very nicely for my Christmas party. And what did she say to you?

Are you a teenager or a grownup? And she was serious. She didn't know. And I'm not sure. None of us are sure. Well, are you? Yeah. You know what? Somebody called me up. Sean Hayes once pointed out, he's like, Jack, you look like a child's drawing of a grownup. It's true, though. You know, in an eerie way, you look exactly the way that you did when I met you in 2002. No, you look exactly the same. You don't change. Clean living. Clean living, he said. Thanks to Mountain Dew. Nate with all natural Mountain Dew. The Dew of the Mountain. Where the worst. Where they do nuclear testing. Oh, right. Oh, come on. Suck it down. Please. But this is your job. This is the dumbest thing in the world.

It really is. But you know, I'm very, there are certain people who I think have created their own reality. I think I've somehow managed to do that, too. I created an environment where I could be a complete ass and somehow it keeps the lights on. I don't really know how. I don't know how it happened. I have no idea who allowed this to happen. You think someone would shut this down? Yeah. We're working on it. I think they are. I've notified the proper authorities. Who are the proper authorities? I know. Who did you notify? Ronald Hammersmith. L.A. C.W.P. Arch, because he's part of a comptroller since Lieutenant Governor.

He's just saying words. He said Lieutenant Governor of California. Well, Hammersmith. State between California and Nevada. I'm going to move on. One road. One road. I got to run. Have you ever... Here's the thing I want to ask you about. You were in a music video once with Mariah Carey. I was. And I want to know about that because I'm always intrigued. For better or worse, I'm comfortable with you in my sphere. And then, of course, on 30 Rock, which felt like, well, you're just literally, we're two floors away from me. But then when you go out in the real world and you interact with real big celebrities, I'm confused. I don't know what's

happening. Me neither. You were in a big... Mariah Carey's 2008 music video, Touch My Body. And you're in it. And I don't know. Why? I don't know. I don't know anything. Yeah, my life is weird. And I honestly, if I'm being completely honest, I bet you there were 12 people who were either unavailable or said, no, thank you. And so, you know, call on Jack McBrayer. I don't think so. Sloppy Seconds McBrayer. No, I don't think so. I think she wanted Jack McBrayer. You were famous from 30 Rock and she wanted you. I got to say, it was fun. It was surreal, but it was fun. It was over two days. And it was just the weirdest thing of, you know, having the director saying like, okay, okay, Mariah, spank Jack Moore. Spank Jack Moore.

Okay, Jack. I've had dreams like that. Yeah, me too. Jack walked more slowly with the unicorn. It was weird and very strange and fun. A lot of stuff like that in my life. Did you get to know Mariah Carey at all? Well, yes. And our paths have crossed a couple of times since. Whatever year, Seth Meyers hosted the Golden Globes Emmys. One of the big parties. SBs. Might have been. But Mariah Carey would have been Latin Grammys. Okay, you're just saying award shows now. I thought we were supposed to do that. No, we weren't. That was the assignment. No, it literally wasn't. We were trying to find the answer to a question. But she was there and we... The Ebony Magazine Awards.

Okay, please just stop talking forever. But what if that worked? Get to read it for a podcast that you can take over. Well, learn your improv skills here. Would you stop talking forever? But you have to yes and that. See? I can't. Denial. Denial is not everybody in Egypt. So you got to know her. You got to know Mariah Carey. Well, and you know me, I can make friends with wallpaper. So once your friends with me, you're going to stay friends with me unless you cross. You do not have to talk about this next thing I'm going to bring up. What is it? You were invited to a wedding, a celebrity wedding. Can we talk about it? I think so, yeah. Okay, you were invited to a huge celebrity wedding.

I know. And you don't know why. I do know why. I was... I think I was just so flattered and excited and honored that it kind of didn't make sense. Well, tell us... Tell the story. All right. And start at the beginning where you're in your bed, corn crib, whatever. See, you were so close. Honestly. You were in your normal bed. Thank you. That a person in the 21st century would have. Thank you. And you are... You got the covers pulled up and you are waking up. Yes. Outside. Come on. Wait a minute. That's not... A lot of people have chickens now. Really? Roosters. Yes, they do. Let's take a poll. I don't. I don't. I don't. I guess I went. That's my point.

My point is we don't, but we are in a bubble. Most people out there have chickens. But you specifically... And you wake up and... Eat my slop. Thank you. Eat your slop. Then it's out to the North 40 and you get to work. No, anyway, please tell us... I'll walk you through it. Tell us about the celebrity wedding. This is a big one. Okay. So here's how it all began. The year was 2009. So, 30 Walkers was going. Alec Baldwin was hosting SNL on February 14th, 2009. The musical guest were the Jonas brothers. Oh, for God's sake. Oh, okay. I see where you're going now. For a minute, I didn't know where this was all going.

You were already fresh. Let him tell a story. You told him. Well, I thought it was gonna... It's like he was testifying and he was giving dates and I got nervous. No, I want to hear the story. I don't want to ruin it because I think it was a beginner. Take us from the beginning and go. I literally was. I know. I apologize. He's doing the thing you asked. I apologize. And you stopped him to tell him to do the thing you asked. Well, he's trying to give dates. I don't want dates, but anyway, go ahead. You do dates all the time. Please. Okay, I'm sorry. So anyways, the musical guest were the Jonas brothers. Alec had me come on and do a little cameo during his open to monologues. Of course, I was thrilled to do that. I was like, absolutely.

But during the course of the rehearsals and the performances and stuff, you know, just hanging out, I got to know the Jonas brothers, delightful individuals, all three of them. And so that was in 2009. And like, they were babies back then. And so it's not like I was like, hey, let's exchange information and be friends forever. But during during the course of years, our paths crossed again. I saw them at a different SNL when Tracy Morgan was hosting. I was staying in a hotel in Toronto that Nick Jonas happened to be at. And then here in Los Angeles, I'm neighbors with a very talented actor named Glenn Powell. He was just in the top gun movie. Oh, yeah. He's so many attractive men in a story. So, so Glenn and Nick Jonas had worked

together on Screen Queens, which I think was either Fox or FX. Yeah. And so Glenn is just such a lovely host. He would have game nights, movie nights, you know, just, you know, hangout nights. And so Nick Jonas would come to those parties. I was their neighbor. So I would come over again, I'm a thousand years old, older than any of these children. So I'd be like, oh, quiet down now. And just as a side note, Nick Jonas happens to be a big fan of the movie. They came together that I was in. I mean, I have to admit, I haven't even seen the movie. But he was such a big fan. Glenn would invite me over. And then Nick would ask me all these questions about the movie that I simply didn't have the answer to. So I'm going to catch us up.

You became tight with some of the Jonas brothers. Am I taking too long? A little bit? No, I'm sorry. No, stop it. I'm sorry. I was trying to get us down the road a little bit. No, I want to hear more about Glenn Powell and stuff, too. Let's just stop. Let the man go on his journey. You asked me the question. Yes, sorry. We're sorry about it. Yeah, we're sorry. We only have so much tape in the machine. Stop. There is no tape. You stop talking. Let me talk. This is the worst day of my life. Okay. So at this time, Nick Jonas is dating Priyanka. Priyanka is such a lovely, very talented actress. And so Nick would have these fun activities with Priyanka, but want to introduce

some of his friends to her. So like we went on a beautiful yacht ride over Memorial Bay Weekend. No, it was Glenn Powell, you know, that whole crowd. You were on a yacht with Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra. Yeah. You on a yacht. It's just fantastic. Are you making fun of me? I'm not making fun of you. I think the idea of me on a yacht is absurd. I've never been on a yacht. I mean, there's a great many things in my life that I'm like, this is crazy. The Mariah Carey video getting eventually invited to Nick and Priyanka's wedding. Okay. Well, you jumped into that. India. So this is this. This is India. This is the thing I was trying to get you to some 40 minutes ago. It's his podcast. He's yammering on all this time and he gets mad when somebody else talks.

Oh, snap. Wow. Finally. I'm sorry. I'm just saying it like it is. Okay. So tell the story of you getting invited to a wedding in India, not any wedding, Nick Jonas, Priyanka Chopra. This is amazing. No, no, but now I want to hear about the wedding. Okay. Okay. So that's the, I mean, this is a great story, but let's really get to the meat of it. So I get invited to this wedding in India. Have I ever been to India? No, I don't even know. Did you think it was Indiana at first? Be honest. Can you leave the room? Eduardo, let's cut his mic. They've cut my mic. Cut his vocal chords. Okay. So you get invited. Go. I'm sorry. I swear to God, I'll shut up until we get through the wedding. Go. So I was so honored. It was, it was bonkers. I was like, yes, if you're being

serious? Yes. And so I had, you know, a mutual friend help me figure out how to book that flight. Now, have you ever been to an Indian wedding? I have not. If you ever get invited to an Indian wedding, say yes. Isn't it days long? It's a week long and it's amazing. Wow. It's like there's so many different events and there's so many different wardrobe changes. Like it's bonkers and it is fun. And it's just beautiful and musical and like colors everywhere. It was really, really fantastic. So you flew all the way to India. I flew to India. Which, which city? Jaipur. Jaipur. Jaipur. Sona and I have been to Jaipur. We have. Yeah. Am I saying it right? Jaipur. Yeah. It's the, maybe you're saying it right and we're saying it. No, I'm J-O-D-H-P-U-R.

We're J-A-I. Those are boots. Jodpers. But that's what they're named from and they're not boots. They're those hip pants with the little. Jodpers. Yes. That's right. They're the directors. If you're doing a takeoff of a director in the 1920s, he's wearing Jodpers. Yeah. Yes. Well, we've been to Jaipur. Which is different. I don't know. Is it? How do you spell yours? J-A-I-P-U-R. Sounds different to me. Yeah, but it's, I don't know. Maybe you know it's the proper spelling too. I, who knows? Maybe it's the same. I think they're two places. I think they're my bestie places. Okay. Okay. Okay. But it was beautiful and it was so fun. It was like nothing I had ever, it was like a royal wedding, I guess. I've never been one, but it was wild. And like,

I'm still friends with all of Priyanka's cousins. And you know, I know all the North Carolina family on the Jonas side. It was fun. It was really great. You were there for several days. Yeah. And you have to wear, you wear special costumes, right? Yeah. Yeah. And like, within a day, you have to like change over and stuff. Can I ask you a question? This is a little, did you pay for the costumes? Oh, yeah. You did? Yes, sir. Because I know that you are somewhat frugal. Is that fair to say? I guess. Where's this going? No, I just wondering if you thought it was an imposition. Did I make homemade clothes for this? If there's a way you, do you know what I mean? You are a frugal man. When they said to you, you're going to have to buy six

outfits and have them made for you. There was no hesitation at all? No. And here's what else. I did book my flight there with Miles. And so I only paid $300 to get over there. I love that I whispered into a microphone. No one can know. Do they tell you what kind of clothes you'll need for each event? Yes. They were very, very helpful for all of this. So they actually hooked us up with a company that specializes in the clothes that you'd wear for the certain ceremonies. And each one had different meanings. And it was like nothing else I had ever seen. And they made it very user-friendly and welcoming. And it was awesome. Now I have to call these people and say, hey, I talked about girl's wedding. Yeah. Oh, it's fine. You said only nice

things. It's not like you said anything untoward. Untoward? Well, I think he acquitted himself well. Oh, I think it's a rave review. It's a rave review of a beautiful wedding. It was like nothing I had ever, ever, ever experienced before. Sometimes you just got to say yes to the weird stuff. Oh my God. Yeah. How do you think I got here? Okay. Take it easy, buddy. Best thing that ever happened to you. That's for sure. Put you on the map. Before this, you were on the Quiggles and Beans show. I was happy then. Cradles and Beans. Quiggles and Beans. What's Cradles and Beans? Anyway. Yeah, Jack. Listen, you have... What a great journey that you have had to go from, you know, you're working in a factory in Georgia, and then you're at pretty much a royal

wedding of huge superstars in India and being fetid, you know? I mean, what an incredible... And it's, I fear to say, kind of a rags to riches story. I mean, you're not wrong, but it's really... Like sometimes, you know, just even living here in Los Angeles, I'll look out and I'm like, I can't believe I live in California. I have a swimming pool. Oh, I have a swimming pool. Well, you call it the Seaman Fun. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. He has told it the Seaman Fun. I've never... No, you have to. I have. I've braced me. Who? Roddy. I'm trying to think, like, what other weird things? Like, I was at Kenny G's Super Bowl party. I... What? Those two things don't go together. You are the celebrity wears Waldo. You

show up everywhere. Nothing makes sense to me. Wait, how do you know Kenny G? From Chris Martin's birthday party. Well, how do you know Chris Martin? What? That doesn't explain it. How do you know Chris Martin? Fella, I don't know. I don't know how things in my life work.

Don't call me Fella. That's just fighting words. Jim? Uh-uh. We've established I'm a very sad lesbian. Do not call me Fella. I don't understand it. I mean, I look at all of your explanations for how you know Chris Martin.

Well, Robert De Niro tradition. How do you know Robert De Niro? Well, I was at Al's. I was at Al Pacino's St. Patrick's Day salute. What? How do you know St. Patrick's? Yeah. Jack is like the opposite of you.

Your podcast is called Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and Jack just has so many friends. You know what's interesting? You are, I think that's where all this rage on my part comes from is that I try and try and try, but like Nixon, all my efforts only make me less popular. Do you know what I mean? That's true. You are just this grinning. Well, let's take a look at why that may be.

He's nice. He is really nice. Jack is the friendliest person I know. And he's accomplished so much and he's still so kind to everybody. And also, he hosts the Apple TV Plus Hello Jack the Kindness show. I do. I'm real proud of that. And you know what?

It's very nice. It's a children's show. It's kind of like Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. Okay. And my daughter has taken to this show. I know. You told me that. My boys love it too.

That's a big compliment. I really love that. She adores it. No. Congratulations on that because it premiered last fall. A special episode was just released in June. Correct. This is a very popular show.

You've been very, I've known you for a long time and it is meant a lot to you to want to do a children's show. And when you came out with, it's the Kindness show, which is kind of unbranded for you. I believe in, and this is where you and I don't see eye to eye. What's your show? Your asshole show. My Apple TV Plus salute to Satan. Oh no.

Conan O'Brien makes good on his deal with the devil. Mr. O'Brien, could I have a lollipop? You'll get nothing and I can't. Mr. O'Brien, what happens to us as we get it? We die. Oh man. She, Mr. O'Brien. Cigarette on the floor.

No, but it comes from a real place with you. That's nice. Yes, I have limited skill sets as you've pointed out. I'm not saying limited, but it fits here. Have you ever thought I want to play a villain? I want to play someone who's evil. I want to play, because you are a very, you know, all joking aside, you are a very talented fellow, you could, and I'm sure a terrific actor, do you ever want to play completely

against type? No. You don't want to? I mean, not yet. What about a guy who's just a real, like an assassin and a murderer? Do you think you could do that? Do you think you have within you to say things like, nice try, now you die? That kind of stuff?

Let's try that. Do you want to try it? Yeah. Like that? Whatever. How you would experience, how would Jack McBrayer be an assassin? Thank you. A terrible murderer who's just out for blood.

I'll lay in like an action music scene. Got a music sting here. Really? Nice try, now you die. Coming this fall. I would watch that. Yeah, I would too. Because you know what?

It's a new take on evil. I would too. You know, you're a guy who's got manners banged into you, you know, from childhood. But you got into this profession and you're good at killing. And you know, doesn't particularly make you too upset to kill. But you still have the same affect that you have. Don't you think that'd be great? I guess.

I just don't care for the killing. I know, but that part, you kill with a gun so it's not personal, you know what I mean? There you go. Good justifying. Does he kill it? Oh, do break. Do break. Do break.

Do with it. Do me a favor. Just say, if I don't get my money in 24 hours, the puppy dies. I don't get my money in 24 hours. That puppy will die. Let's strip away all of the madness. Would you call us friends? Yes.

Come on. We are. We're friends. We're pals. We are. You can plead the fifth on this. You don't have to answer this. No, we are friends.

What is it? Do you understand that you are like catnip to me? That your very presence makes me insane. You've seen it, Sonia, right? It really is. It's very specific people. When you're around him, he lights up and he's like the amount of things he can think of. You play along and it just empowers him.

This is a true story. Just before we started this podcast, here in our new podcast studio space, here in Larchmont, in Los Angeles, I see that you've just entered and you're walking down towards the podcast studio. I get so excited. I turn to Sona who is eating what? I was eating some chocolate. a crunch bar and a small Snickers bar ahead. And what did I do?

I was so excited. One of them, this was awful. In one hand, I had like a wrapper and then you knock the wrapper out of my hand and then I grabbed the chocolate out of my mouth because I'm angry. Then you knock that out of my hand and then you step on it and you laugh.

Like a maniac. Just like a maniac. And it was the behavior of, look, I am a 44 year old grown man. Oh, sir. Oh, sir. Oh. Oh, sir.

Oh. I am a 78 year old man who should know better. And I, but I literally do become a giddy puppy when you're around and I behave in an insane manner. And I hope you take it as a compliment that it should be. I love it. I love it. But also, again, when you think back

to where you were and where you are, I can't believe like I'm hanging out with you, you know? Like I used to watch you on my TV. You didn't own a television. He's just trying to say that. That was your take away. My take away from that very nice statement was, you didn't own a television.

I know, he's being so nice. No, no, that was, no. Listen, that was, I don't take it for granted either. And we went out to dinner. We won't say with who, very famous comedy person. Just the other night. People are the best. You and I had a really nice,

you and I had a really nice dinner the other night with a famous person who won't be mentioned. But we had a blast with Hater. It was great. He didn't say first name though. Yeah, I won't say witch Hater. But he went on his way and then I walked you to your car. And we hugged each other.

It was quite late at night. And I said, I hugged you and I went, well, love you, Jack. You didn't say anything in return. I don't remember that. You blacked out. Blacked out. And you just let me get behind the wheel.

That's all I'm doing. Did he really, did that hurt your feelings? Were you waiting for it? Did it linger? I knew he couldn't do it. He said cartoon mule. He's not gonna say I love you about this. Like you probably first couldn't even process it.

It was in denial and then grief. Or making sure that you were being sincere. Yeah. Right, maybe I've stung you so many times that you couldn't. Yeah, I think so. Well, I love hanging out with you. You are one of my favorite people. Every time I see you, this is all,

this is as sincere as I can be. Every time I lay eyes on you, I am a giddy kid at Christmas. And I love, I don't care. I know at some point you and I are gonna exchange real information about each other. We did good. We did good today.

Today was good. Today we did pretty well. Yeah. Today was the start. Today was the start. You're gonna have to go through and take through this. God. Find the moments and string it together

like a conversation. For real, this will not make sense to anybody. No. This is one of the more lucid ones really. Oh no. It is pretty good. But anyway, before we go, I did want we have a special surprise guest.

Who? Your first donkey. Meow. Meow. Meow. Oh, wow. Out of control. I just did it because I don't know

if they can see your reaction. This just absolute. We're all so embarrassed. Yeah, we really are. We are all so embarrassed. We were heading towards a beautiful day new fall. He can't do it. I can't do it.

I can't do it. A wonderful conclusion. Yeah. I'm sorry. You braid like a donkey. Like a donkey. Unbelievable. We can't end on that note.

No. Or we can. No, Jack, seriously, please continue success and success with Hello Jack the Kindness show. Thanks. You are a force for good in the universe. And I swear to God, at some point, I hope it's not for a long, long time,

but I will be on my deathbed. And I know that they'll be saying, well, he's pretty much gone. He's not responding to anybody. You will, if you bring Jack into the room, you know this song, right? Yeah, it's like a defibrillator. If you bring Jack into the room

and he goes, excuse me, sir, and I know it's him, I don't care how deep my coma is. If there's any brain activity left, I will snap out of him. Whee, whee, whee. Jack McBrayer. And I'll go right into it. Now, this is like in 30 years, this is gonna happen

and they're gonna bring you in. 30. 30. Nine months. Yeah. Seriously, Jack, you will, if this guy doesn't bring me around, nothing's bringing me around.

Yes, I agree. So, but thank you so much for coming in and you're a good man. You're a good man and I do love you. You're a good fellow. I love you too, Conan. Oh. Hey.

Yay. That's good. You're a good girl. There you go. Get out on that. Wait, donkey's back. No, no, no. I've already, I've already cut it.

I've already cut it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Last episode, we had a voicemail from a listener and there seemed to be a bit of a debate because Sona and I, many other people in the room, thought that he was authentic in his persona and his voice and his style.

You think that this guy, Conan, is maybe doing a bit. When I first heard his voice, his name was Arnold. Right. And he called in, I thought, okay, I'm listening. But then he kind of doubled down and started talking about his tractor. And I thought, it felt to me like an improviser doubling down on his shtick.

And it reminded me of, you know, Brian Stack or some of the people that did great voices that I've worked with over the years and go into characters. And I thought for a minute, is this like something out of Tom Sharp playing where someone's calling in and it just felt like this person was putting a little bit of mustard

on the fastball. And that's when I thought this might be an authentic, this person may not be real. Maybe someone's pulling our chain. Okay, well, there's a little bit of a development in this. But first, let's recap the voicemail. Hear it again so we can just all get reoriented the listener as well.

Hey, Conan, my name's Arnold. I was wondering if it's possible to be intermittently funny. Sometimes I nail it and I think about comedy and like to do it, but other times it just falls flat. You know, I was also wondering last spring, Doug, myself, this little paunchier, got the tractor halfway stuck in, it's a good old 78 and a national home.

Still not figuring out how to pull that out, but you get an idea, there's my number here. All right, bucko. Okay, and that was the other thing. It was old, when he goes like, oh, the old 78 international, then he goes like bucko. I thought, not sure, not sure.

So I was highly suspicious. We're gonna be able to get to the bottom of this, I think, because we have Arnold on the line. Oh, shit. You guys ready? No. Okay, I just so hope he comes on and he does say like, hello.

Yeah. I think he's ready. Arnold here, I hope you fell for my little scheme. Did you? I'm calling from the Lawrence Livermore Institute, where I've been working on various physiological experiments. Or he's like, hi, I'm Arnold. Yeah, okay.

Let's do it. Let's bring Arnold on. I'm gonna patch him in now. Hello, is this Arnold? It's Arnold right here. Oh, hey, Arnold, this is Conan O'Brien talking to you. What a nice surprise, hi. Well, this is what's a very nice surprise to talk to you.

Arnold, we got your very nice voicemail, and I thought, I'd like to talk to this gentleman. And so here we are having a nice conversation. How are you, sir? I'm about medium, you know, you can't have a good day. I'll just medium. Medium? Medium.

It's a nice, yeah. Vindicated. Medium, international superstar, Conan O'Brien's on the phone with you, and you're at medium? He's authentic. He's authentic. No, no, sir, let me make it really clear.

I'm very happy to talk to you. Just, you know, sometimes it's just a straight line and ain't nothing you can do about it, but to control it. Well, Arnold, I gotta admit, we listen, I'm gonna admit right now, we listened to your voicemail, and I thought, is this guy putting me on?

I thought maybe you were, because some times people in this world will call a show like mine, and they'll put on an accent and kind of a character, and I thought, is this guy putting me on? And so we wanted to talk to you to make sure that you are really Arnold,

and gosh darn it, you are. You are Arnold. What's your last name, Arnold? Smith. What's that? Arnold Smith? My last name is Smith. Oh, now I'm doubting.

Now I'm doubting it again. Arnold, I think you're an actor, and this is a put on. That's what I think you're doing right now. Where are you from, Arnold? Originally from Benton, Kentucky. There's a lot of Smiths down there. It's like, I don't know, how high can you count?

A lot of Smiths in Benton, Kentucky. Wow, you are from, you're from, okay. So you're from Kentucky. All right, well I'm eating crow right now, a nice big slice of crow pie. It's what I'm having. I'm gonna have the whole. Kentucky crow pie.

Yeah, Kentucky crow pie. So you're from Kentucky, and Arnold. Kentucky crow pie. Yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, I gotcha. What do you mean you got him? Oh, come on, I borrowed it. You're my writer.

Hey, you going for the original recipe, or you going for the extra crispy? I like, extra crispy, Arnold. No, Arnold, you know, I have to ask you something. Your question was, can you be intermittently funny? And you seem like you're very funny, and very authentically funny. So, and no one's got a 100% perfect.

I cannot think of one person in the history of the world to show me all the funniest people in the world who are always funny every second. So I think everybody's intermittently funny, even the funniest people in the world. So, I like your style. I really do. I think you're a very amusing fellow.

I try, I like, it's nice to see people smile, interact with them. That's very nice. Well, what about his tractor? Yeah, what about the old 78 international? Is it in the pond? Yeah, did you get it out? No, it's not in the pond no more, that damn thing.

Rosie gives me trouble sometimes, I don't know. We've been... Okay, Rosie would still be the tractor, I hope. I hope that's not someone else who's giving you trouble. Arnold, what year were you born, if you don't mind me asking? I was born in 66, November 14th. Oh, so you're dating a younger woman this Rosie, the 78 international.

Yeah. Well, it's a 1486 model. I guess I'll tell you a little about it, yeah. Sure, yeah. It's got 16 forward speeds and eight backward speeds. It's got... Wait a minute. 7.1...

Arnold, why does it need 16 forward speeds? Well, that just feels excessive, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Do you use all 16 forward speeds, or be honest, have you mostly used two? I would have to tell you that, you know, honestly, I've never worked the whole range. Of course not.

Maybe one time, I think I just put once, but... What would be a circumstance where you'd need to use the 16th speed? Tractor chicken. Oh, right. Yeah, like in the movies. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, so nice. I don't know about that one, but... Have you seen the movie Footloose, Arnold, where they play tractor chicken and they drive their tractors right at each other and the last one to turn away wins? Maybe a long time ago, I kind of forgot it's been a while. If you watch Footloose and you watch the scene

with tractor chicken, you would not forget it, Arnold. So... It changes the man. Yeah. It does change. You're right, that's something that would stand out. But in top gear, top speed, like maybe 20, 21 miles an hour if you're lucky.

Yeah, I've been stuck behind some tractors on the highway a couple of times. In LA? Yeah, they're not moving. No, I like to drive to rural areas and find tractors and get behind them. And then just really ride the bumper and act real impatient.

And when old Gus tries to get me, tries to wave me ahead, you go on ahead. You go around, there's no car coming. I just stay right behind him and lean on that horn. Because I hate agriculture, Arnold. I hate the growing and producing of food to feed humanity. It just gets my go. Are you a farmer, Arnold?

Not anymore, but you've grown corn for a while and all that. But oh, I forgot to tell you about the tractor. It's got a, it's got like a people aquarium on it. You know, big square kind of glassed in spot. What? Where I sit and I operate. Wait a minute. It's glass.

Are you scooping people up with your tractor and putting them in an aquarium? Yeah, I'm curious about this, Arnold. You say that you drive the tractor and there's a people aquarium on it? Oh yeah, it's like the cab, but it looks more like an aquarium than a cab. Yeah, it's just a thing.

I love that you said there's something I forgot to tell you about the tractor. When it's clear, Arnold, there's probably nothing you haven't told us about this tractor. I know how many speeds it has. I know it's, it's top mile per hour. I know its name. Well, I can give you some more.

Oh yeah, okay, okay, I dare you, Arnold. Let's have it. All right, get ready for this. So it's got, it could do tandem wheels in the back. Whoa. I think you'll learn on it. Okay. You can get like a four wheel drive,

two wheel drive arrangement. It just depends on, you know, how much you are, you're in the thick of it, working. I got it. You know, I just got the four by two, not because. All you need is the four by two right now. You know what I mean? You said you're not far.

I mean, you're not really in the thick of it right now. So you just stick with the four by two, you know? That's all you need at this point. Everything, anything else is overkill, in my opinion, Arnold. Well, you are a, Arnold, you are a fine gentleman. I'm sorry that I doubted your authenticity when you left the message.

That, that is me showing my own frailty and weakness. I've been in the comedy world too, too long and I've worked with too many people who love to do various accents. You're cynical. Maybe I am a little cynical and people, people call, you know, and I thought, well, here's a guy who's putting on, I right away nailed it as Kentucky.

I knew that. And I was like, but I thought it was a comedic artist giving me the old Kentucky spieleroo. Arnold, I want you to know that Sonia and I never doubted you. That's true. Did you get Kentucky rolled or something there? I did. I got Kentucky rolled back in the day.

You know, I don't want to talk about it. There was a period in my life where I roamed the country barefoot. All right, all right. Yeah, it was, and I'd spent some time in Kentucky and yes, sir, I got Kentucky rolled. So let's just- Well, there were some males I was thinking about.

I want to touch on these. And I definitely benefit with you talking about being a skeptic. I'm kind of a born skeptic myself. Oh. You know, just not so quick to be agreeable all the time and really just watch and learn. Yeah, I like that approach to life. I think that that's why when I first heard your voicemail,

I thought, really? Is this some guy, you know, pretending to be Arnold who isn't really Arnold? And but I learned a lesson and I hope you did too that when you reach out and you talk to the real, you talk to the real person, you realize that, you know, there's a lot of authenticity out there in the world.

We just have to look for it and be prepared. And I should not be as suspicious as I was. And I think Matt and Sona have shown me the right way to be. Oh, come on. That's weird. I don't like that. Oh, no problem. Yeah, I mean, I'm just, it's tough for me.

Just, you know, I just, I could learn from these two. And I think I've been around too much comedy. I'm read too many books. I'm too smart and so talented. There you go, turn that turn one. Well, what is, what would you say to think about comedy is, is it make it too smart to, I don't know. I mean, there's like education,

there's live education, learning about people, the way they act. I don't think it has anything. I think it's in you. I think you're a funny guy, Arnold. And so you, I think you are 95% of the way there. So you don't need to be thinking about it. I appreciate, I just, I was thinking it just,

it's just a thing comes out, you know, maybe sometimes I feel like in a weird way, I'd lose control of it. It just gets going and. That's the good stuff, Arnold. That's the good stuff. Sometimes you're up there on Rosie and you're, you're clicking along and 35th gear and you're doing 140 miles an hour.

And you've driven through, you've driven through seven billboards and you get doing some of your, you know, telling one of your stem winders and then the next thing you know, you've, yeah, you want to go too far. That's the idea. That's your whole career. Yeah.

My whole career has been going too far. Well, when I lose control of it, I've been known to offend because I go a little too far. It's hard to tell who's offended, who is offendable. Is that something? Yup. Well, that's more and that's more and more an issue all the time, Arnold, but, you know,

but as long as you have a good, yeah, but as long as you have a good heart and you're not trying to hurt people, if someone gets offended, you can usually straighten it out with them and apologize. So I think keep, yeah, keep doing you, Arnold. You do you. It's, you know, that's the way to go.

You got the right idea. Well, it was very nice talking to you, sir. Really nice talking to you. And thanks so much for calling into our show. We really do appreciate it. All right, can I give you a little Kentucky roll here? Sure. Yeah, hello.

That was it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Hello. Hello.

Is that it? Hello. Hello. There it is. And you signed off with Bucko, right? I say that sometimes. That's kind of, you know, that's how you signed off on the voicemail.

You went, okay, Bucko. I like Bucko. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of a thing where it's just Bucko. Bucko? Bucko. Bucko. I like how you, you really get that,

oh, working for you, Bucko. I love it. It's a solid shape. It rolls. All right. Well, Arnold, you're the master and you've taught me well. Thank you very much, sir.

All right. Good talking to you, Conan. It's been a really nice talk. It's been a great talk. Thank you, Arnold. Take care. All right. Love you.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Bekdon. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts,

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