Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Jake Tapper Returns

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

Anchor Jake Tapper feels ironic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Jake returns for another conversation with Conan about the colorful characters of 1977 explored in his new book All The Demons Are Here, why people follow demagogues, and handling constant exposure to the news each and every day. Later, Conan has a hypothetical conversation sharing his likes with his father. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Jake Tapper and I feel... I want to talk about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, here and now, back to school. Ring the bell, bend your shoes, walk in the loose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell you that we are gonna be friends. I can tell you that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien, Needs A Friend. We're plowing through the summer, unless it's a, unless of course it's a rebroadcast.

Maybe you're listening to this years from now, and it's, and maybe you're in a part of the world where it's not only winter, but it's freezing out. So me talking about the summer is just stupid. How I'm through the summer. We're proud of through the summer. I, I'm gonna tell you, of course, Joe. Something that's broke.

Oh, the bug. No, you know what, I have a, I got a cold last week, and my throat's a little iffy, and so just, my throat wasn't working correctly for a second. And it was a crucial second, because I'm podcasting to billions of people around the world right now. Yeah, with the sore throat,

how do you plan through the summer? Yeah. Well, I'm going to. And you had a cold last week? We saw you last week. Yeah. And you breathed over almost. Man, he does this to us all the time.

I just think it's a celebrity cold. You're welcome to have it. You can sell it on eBay. Anyway, my point is joined by Sonomu Sessian, Matt Gourley, and the point I'm making is that I used to have a lot of anxiety. I was very happy about the summer, obviously, because I didn't like going to school. And when the summer would come, the minute July 4th was over,

I started getting anxious about, oh, no, And when the summer would come, the minute July 4th was over, I started getting anxious about, oh, no, no, the summer, it's going to quickly, you know, how do I slow it down? And then suddenly it's July 15th. And you're like, no, this is awful. It's almost August. And it was just this terrible. And then I would ruin the summer because you were worried about it. Because I was worried about the summer. And I knew that. I had that problem too. Did you have it too? Yeah. I loved staying home from school so much that I almost couldn't enjoy it.

I always enjoy the day before a day off more than the day off. Yes. Isn't that horrible? I understand that. I always like sort of late Friday afternoon was my favorite part of the weekend because technically the weekend hadn't started yet. And then once the weekend started, there was all this anxiety about it's going

too quickly. No. Yes. That is not me at all. I enjoyed it up until Sunday, Monday morning. You don't get Sunday blues. Oh, I would get terrible Sunday. I didn't even know that was something people have. Oh, I used to bust out my harmonica. Oh, my God. And I made it. And I used to sit on my front porch and Brooklyn, Massachusetts. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I got the Monday blues. One, one, one, one, one. See guys just didn't enjoy my shoes. I made my room into a prison cell and I just rub a cup against the bars. You don't rub it. You rub it. You rub it. Rub it. Is there a body room? Purely sexual thing. You guys didn't ever do rubber cup. Come on. Oh man.

Oh man. Oh good, everyone's gone. I can rub this cup against these bars. It takes away the Sunday blues. Let me tell you that. Anyway, yeah. And so now I don't have it as much as an adult because I don't have to go to school again in the fall.

Yeah. But I had it a bad case of it. So I'm just thinking about this because I remembered feeling the countdown happening after July 4th and having some anxiety about it. So I'm just thinking about this because I remember feeling the countdown happening after July 4th and having some anxiety about it. But that only gives you like a few weeks where you actually enjoyed your summer. It's a curse. It's not a good thing. I'm surprised both of you were like this.

We're similar in a lot of ways. You are. We don't admit it. Oh, yeah. We have similarities. You know, we're taking a break for this show that the listeners won't know. It'll continue to come out steadily,, we're taking a break for this show that the listeners won't know. It'll continue to come out steadily, but we're taking a month off,

we're not gonna see each other. Do you think like three weeks or two, even one week in, you're gonna start to go, oh no, I have to go back. No, because you enjoy it. Because you love us. I do enjoy doing this. I'm not gonna make a joke.

I do enjoy hanging with you guys, but this will give me a chance to really get in shape. I'm so surprised, because I thought you liked school. And you're like, yeah, I got to learn again in a few weeks. No, no, I was very anxious about school. Okay. Yeah, a lot of anxiety about school,

especially elementary school, fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, all through, I mean, I was anxiety provoking for me. I was a cryer. You cry? Yeah, they dropped me off at the end. Is that true? Yeah, I would cry. I was a cryer. You cry? Yeah, they dropped me off at the end of the day. Is that true? Yeah, I would cry.

I would scream and cry. Sometimes I see you outside the podcast studio crying. And you've just been dropped off by your mother. Yes. And you have a note on your shirt that says, hi, my name is Matt. I'm allergic to nuts. I would still like to be viewed as a tough person,

but I was a cryer. You want to still want to be viewed and that tough person. I I was a cry. He wants to be viewed and that's a tough person. I don't want to hurt my perception that people have of me. Yeah. As a, you're a tough guy who cries. And when put in prison, the first thing you'll do is take your cup and rub it against the bars in an erotic ecstasy. Hey, can I tell you something?

This is completely taking us in a different direction now. But it's something that popped into my head recently and now it's taking me out of every TV show or movie I watch, which is when you're watching a TV show, and I may have mentioned this before, but sometimes my family and I now that we're all together again, my daughter was off in college, but we're all back. Sometimes if we want to all do something together, we watch, say like an old vintage gossip girl, you know, And one of the things that I can't get out of my head is they'll show a scene we'll start with the elevator opening and a guy coming out like Chuck Bass or one of these serious characters coming out and giving some grave news. And or like this old guy who's supposed to be a senator or a captain of industry who who's the father of one of these young people, the elevator door opens up and he comes out.

And all I can think about is how it's not a real elevator. That the actor has to sit in there until people on either side pull the doors open and he comes out. And so it's kind of in my head now, and I'm noticing it in all TV shows and movies. Now, if you're watching a high class movie, yeah sure it's a real elevator in the door shut. But in a lot of cheesy TV shows, especially from the 90s 2000s, a character will say something like, you haven't heard the last from me. I'll be back and when I am back, you'll all wish you were dead.

And he'll step onto an elevator and there'll be a dramatic music in the door shut. And I know that the actor's now just standing in a box. Oh, they just shut the door and he has to wait and it takes away all the dramatic tension because anyone else think about this. I know, but now that you say that, like it ruined Star Trek for me, although 60 Star Trek, where I just know that Kirk is like, we've got to get to the transplant of a room immediately. Let's go and he and Spock rush in on the door shut. And I know that there's two guys getting union

pay to move the door shut. And now they're standing in there until someone else cut. Just don't think it. It's too late. Stop thinking. I have the potential. If I spread this idea that whenever you're watching a TV show and someone gets on an elevator and says a dramatic line on the doors close or it gets off an elevator I'm sorry. It's gonna take you out of the TV show. It's gonna ruin it for you. It's an elevator No, it's not Box and there's two guys on either side that are closing a door and then they're eating a sandwich afterwards and saying hey

Did you hear the Japanese bumper oh harbor? Well, how do you do that? It's like scenes that are shot in airplanes and submarines and stuff that aren't real. Cars, cars, yeah. Oh, first of all, it's just the idea that they get and it's so embarrassing that they have to get in a box and say something like, I'm going now up to the top floor, they're very top.

And when I get there, all your careers will be ruined. Store slide shot after stays in trapped box until two union guys, stage hands, open the box and actor has to come back out and see all the people he just told off. You guys both suck. No, you suck. No, you suck. I watch this. Hey, listen to this. You suck. Oh, good. What? I won. Good. Well, I'd like to try one. Yeah, you try you suck. Yeah, wait a minute You're pretty good you both are ruining summer and you're ruining elevators. What are you happy about? What do you guys like?

Why did you say it like that Santa Claus? What do you Hans Gruber and I like Santa Claus? Santa Claus? I don't like this. Okay. Okay. You've made your point Yeah, but I think the bigger point is it when an actor gets an elevator Okay, now it gets out of an elevator Something I'm not gonna ruin anything. Oh nice try now. You're ruining this. I know you guys. I like things I enjoy things You don't have to put your problemah. You enjoy everything. Everything. Every time.

Yeah. That there'd be a screener. And all those years before we knew you Matt and I was doing the late night shows, all those years that Sonah worked for me, they would set up a screening for a movie. Every time we'd go and see a movie when it was over, Sonah would say, I loved it. And I would say, you know, because we saw everything. You'd see everything. And we saw some really great movies and we saw some movies that even the actor

and who's the star of it would come on the show and in the commercial break it going, yeah, I know, not so good, but what are you gonna do? And I go, I thought it was pretty good. Now, come on, let's face it. Every time, soon I would go, I love that.

I just really like the people did that. Like somebody wrote it, someone wrote it, someone directed it, hundreds of people like swept up the set and built it. That's exciting and that's good for them. I know, we would watch a terrible movie and you'd be like, and you would get mad at me, I go like, I don't know, that movie doesn't make any sense. I mean, they introduced the character of the brother and the second act and then he completely

disappears and then he's a walrus in the end and they never explain. You'd go, they made it! We just all agree and I think we can all agree that summer goes by too quickly. Yeah. Okay. No, it doesn't. And but the main point that I think we all agree on is that when an actor gets on an elevator or gets off an elevator, they're getting into a box that's going

nowhere. And to me, that is a metaphor for the political state of America. Oh my God. We're a box going nowhere. No, let's just enjoy things. Just enjoy summer. We get the show going. Come Santa Claus here. Come Santa Claus. Yeah, come Santa Claus. I do. I think everything is very cool. I enjoy stuff. What a great bold state. I do. I think people make things and we that's good for them. Yeah, good for them. Good for them. All right. Let's get this show on the road. Yeah, yeah, he did a lot of good stuff to settle down. Like you're like me letting like the third act. You're the worst. They're a worse to watch movies with. All right, I didn't mean that you're actually really fun to watch movies with You're really cool about it. I have any time an actor gets under the elevator to getting in the box

Here we go. Hey my guest today is CNN's chief Washington correspondent and host of the lead with Jake Tapper Which airs weekdays at 4 p.m. Eastern? He's also a New York Times best-selling author his latest book all the demons are here is out tomorrow Sighted he's with us today. JTAPER! Welcome. I was in Washington DC not long ago for a to help usher in Adam Sandler, getting the Mark Twain award, because Mark Twain Adam Sandler are often mentioned in the same breath.

And, no, it was a really fun event. A lot of people came out for it, including the ghost of Twain, who was not happy. But that aside, because I was in DC, I reached out to Jake. I let him know that I was in town. And you invited me over to your home. Yeah. He came over to the house. Oh, he, we had dinner at our favorite restaurant. Uh, and then he was, it's actually a, it's a, it's a very good restaurant where Wolf Blitzer shows you to your table.

It's called Blitzers, and they just sell blinces. It's many flavors. Oh, there's 36 flavors of blints, and he shows you to the table, and then it's embarrassing because he hangs around until you tip. We were very nice because you invited me to your home. I don't think I told you this, but I got there. I took an Uber over and sometimes Uber is not precise and I took an Uber over from my hotel to where the address that you gave me for a house and I was like, I'm like 10 minutes early.

So I'm just going to walk down the street. It's a really nice neighborhood and I'm walking down the street a little bit and this father's son come walking up the street. They're walking their dog. They said, hey, if you're lost, jakes up that way. Oh, no, it pointed me to your house. Oh my God. Yeah, and I was like, okay, I guess it's so clear

that I'd be the only person I'd hear to be seen with is Jake Tapper. But anyway, we went out, We had a really good time. It was fun. And then this is where you and I are in such symbiosis after dinner, who went back to your house. You said, here, I want to show you something. And we walk around the neighborhood and you said, see that house right there.

That's where Lynn and Johnson, we have when he was in the Senate. And then he was like, let's go this way. And then he shows me another house. And he was like, see that house? That was Jacob Hoover's house. And I said, and Clyde. And Clyde. And I was like, this is fantastic.

And of course, I know that about you because in your books, and you're here to talk about, among many other things, you've got a new book, All the Demons are Here, and you're picking up on these characters. You're actually the children of the two characters. You've been describing and depicting in your other books. But you have all these great pop culture references and political references to the 1950s and 60s

and the other books. And I love that stuff. I can't get enough of it. You were the one of the first, I sent a copy of the first book to the Hellfire Club, which takes place in 54 and has our favorite president, president Eisenhower as a character of the first book to the Hellfire Club, which takes place in 54 and has our favorite president, president Eisenhower as a character in the book. It was basically a book written for me and you.

Yeah, no, I actually fact checked the book. Wait a minute, wait a minute. No, no, he had his heart attack and his second turn. I saved you from massive lawsuits. That was close. But Jake does a very good job of, and I'm about talking like you're not in the room, but I'm extracting, these two don't read. They don't know how to read. They don't know. They don't read. Well, no, you read the novelizations of old Dynasty episodes. Okay. But that's pretty good. They're actually very good. So you do too. Yeah, right? So, right? Is that a real thing? No, it's not.

No, I don't think so. It will be. That's a million dollar idea. Let's do it. You heard it here first. It's really good. Do you ever, those clips come pop up every now and then, like, an old dynasty.

Oh, they don't take. Not on TV on, like, Twitter or whatever. Oh, yeah. There'll be, like, Alex Carrington, is that the next character? Alexis Carrington. Alexis Carrington. And I loved Carrington, is that the name of the character? Alexus Carrington. Alexus Carrington. I loved how often, how many times one of them got shoved into a pool.

They just decided that was what you do is when one woman with wearing a dress with massive shoulder blades and a massive ring whose an icon was pushes another into a pool. A lot of pools were handy. Yes. And sadly filled with acid it here and then a scout would float to the top but that way up top it but i was trying to say to you guys is that uh... jake takes all of these true life events and he writes uh... these novels and all the demons are here is

one of them and they're really i enjoy them so much because he has got, the characters bumping into people from in the, let's say late 40s, early 50s, then you're the, this, was the second book in the second book as the Devil May Dancer,

and yeah, that was the rap pack. And so, no, actress like a big character on it, yeah. Right, and I love you have members of the rap pack out trying to help solve the crime, which was really, which was really funny to me. This is like, no, I think they would have been, they wouldn't have been in any shape. Dean Martin's like, now hold on a second. I think this one, 77 and like

the, the main character, one of the main characters is evil, can evil. Yeah. Yeah. Evil, can evil is one of the, do you, now you weren't alive for, because this takes place in 77 and it takes place after evil, can evils jump of snake, I was born in 73. Okay. Do you now you weren't alive for because this takes place in 77 and it takes place after Evil Caneville's jump of I was born in 73. Okay, but you were one when the snake river jumped out. But boy was I there. Yeah. I remember there is there is footage of a little boy wearing a tweed suit and large glasses that only an adult would wear. I stowed away in his saddlebags. They said he would have made it, but he was unfortunately a pound and a half too heavy. And it was all tweed.

You and I would have similar memories because in this book, it takes place in 77. And I remember in 1977 very well because all these epic things happened. But you do reference the snake river jump, which was a couple of years earlier. That was such a huge event. I remember as a kid, they told us that they were going to put evil, can evil in a rocket. You have fire him over a canyon. Nothing, you know, sparked our

imagination more than that. And there was no, I don't think it was broadcast. All I know is that we were visiting my cousin in Worcester, Mass, and we raced out to the car to listen to what happened. And they said, well, looks like he didn't make it. And I thought, they thought he died. They thought he died because he misses. I don't even think he came close. No, he did not.

You know, it was like one of those rockets from like the Roadrunner and Wiley Coyote rockets like really makeshift. And one of the other things that's so weird about it is that this was actually considered like an athletic event. Like he was on the cover of Sports Illustrator. This is not a sport. This wasn't, I mean, first of all, he was barely a good motorcycle rider to begin with.

Like he just was like the, he was willing to try. Yes, yes. And it's so funny, because in this book, in this book, one of your main characters, one of the two children of, and Eike is working with, and you make this point,

he's not even riding motorcycles. And I'm guessing that you have done the research on this. Eike is complaining, because he has to kind of check out the machinery and everything, and he's working for evil, and evil, and evil. And he has to check out the machinery, and I'm guessing you researched this

that he's riding bikes, you're not even supposed to jump in. No, they're not good, they're not good for jumping. It's like hard reasons. Yeah, no, it's really weird, but he was just willing to do it and he built this incredible career that kind of in 77 is kind of the beginning of the end of it. 74 was like his big, everybody,

there are people our age Conan who think that they remember him jumping over the green canyon. But that never happened, it was Snake River and he never made it, it was an arachichip, not on a motorcycle. Yeah, let's clear that up. You know, because we have people, no, no, we get people texting us all the time.

I evil himself, yeah. I interviewed evil, evil, on the late night show. Did you really? All I remember is it was not long before he passed. He didn't move very well. And I remember because I think the thing that every kid knew, this is how big evil Can Evil was. We all knew everything about evil Can Evil.

I had his toy. There was a, the wind up. Yeah, you would wind up a motorcycle and you could do jumps with it. And I spent thousands of hours with my evil, Keneval, wind up. And it would crash just like evil would in flying the pieces.

But evil, Keneval, what we all knew was that he had broken every bone in his body like 15 times. And so there's a scene at the beginning of the book that's based on his real, a real event, which is in January 77, he literally jumps sharks. And then this is like seven months before Fonds did it. Like he set up a pool in Chicago,

and I think ABC maybe had soured on him, so he was doing it for CBS. It was a special. It was gonna be hosted by Telly Savales and Jill St. John, of course. And by the way, they were the original hosts of this podcast. It was Telly Savales. It was Connor Byne's, a friend with Telly Savales and Jill St. John. And he was going and it was and everything because this is post-Jaws. Jaws was you know huge best of five. Yeah and huge film and so everything was jaws.

And so he came up with this idea. And so much of the stuff in the book, having to do with Evil Canoeville is just real from his actual press conferences, from his actual events. And he, and he in rehearsals heard himself. And so the entire, the entire special went on, but he wasn't part of it. And yeah, because who needs evil,

can evil in an evil, can evil special? He jumped the shark at all. He, no, he did, in an evil, evil special, he jumped the shark at all. He, no, he did, but he landed wrong. His problem was always the landing, but you mean he heard himself not the jumping. Okay. In the rehearsal and then went on to do it. No, no, was rushed to the hospital with broken bones.

What was the special? What did they do? All the other like side acts. Yeah. And occasionally that cut it way to the hospital. And the doctor would say we're, we're extracting a shark's fin. You know what's funny that's in the book that you talk about and it's a really funny scene is that I'm trying to get the sharks and they don't get good sharks. No, they're awful sharks.

They're like small sharks that look like a little lemon shark. They're in no way. He's basically jumping, you know, Koi with larger dorsal fins. And they had a camera in the pool. Just in case he landed in the pool, you could see the shark eat him. Oh my God.

And the sharks were treated horribly and like a bunch of them died on their way from Florida to Chicago, where they held this in the middle of the winter in January. So if you couldn't get a, I mean, now if you want in the middle of the winter in January. Stuff you couldn't get it. I mean, now if you want to abuse a shark, it's much harder. Oh, God. You looked into it.

Oh, trust me. I have a beef with those sharks. The guy's whole career was so spectacularly bizarre that just, I didn't know anything about evil, cannibal, really. Like that, I missed that when I was a kid. I was much more focused on like comic books and baseball. And, but I have some friends that are really into it. And, and they really loved him.

And Johnny Knoxville was actually one of them who would like he, I mean, he did a, and he's got the scars to prove it. And he did a documentary about him called being evil. It's really good. Yeah. They really kind of gets into the fact that this guy was kind of like a charlatan. He was just like a showman, larger than life, who was able to like convince people that this was something real,

and so that just seemed like a really good character to have. And so much of the stuff in the book as actual things that happened to him, for instance, he had this movie where he played himself called Viva Keneval and it was a huge flop, right and And that also takes place in 1977 70s are filled with oh, let's just try it. And in this crazy kind of way, like, the Brady, the Brady, the Brady bunch, which has been not, had been off the air for like five years and someone said, what if they had a variety show? And we dressed them all kind of like evil, can evil, like in jumpsuits.

And we put them in a giant sound stage with a Olympic-sized swimming pool and We got a bunch of synchronized swimmers women as synchronized swimmers to do Esther William stuff from the 1940s, right, and we'll have them all sing songs and dance You mean the kids from the Brady bunch know how to sing songs and dance? No, I have no idea That's not important. It's the 70s. We're all on Coke. Who cares? Right, and then they're like,

Eveplum won't do it. She says it compromises her. Just get another blonde lady. They did. They replaced Eveplum. We get someone else. The middle daughter, and they got a different person to play her.

And they never addressed. For a pretty reason she wouldn't. No, I don't know what she wouldn't do. I think at the time she thought, she heard Olympic-sized pool, and she said this probably doesn't sound good. If they had come to her like three years later, she'd have said where do I sign?

But it was just it was just a crazy time. I went out to dinner last night and then and our waitress was raised on a houseboat and I said, oh, like Quincy and the the blank stare that she gave me, you know, Quincy, Emmy. Yeah, that's the me. You know Quincy Me. Yeah, that's the problem. There's a generational gap. Do you not know who Quincy is?

I know who Quincy is. Jack Klugman played. Oh, Jack Klugman. Do you know Jack Klugman? No. Do you know the odd couple? Yeah. We're talking about human lives here.

I don't know why you're doing. Quincy. Quincy. Quincy. Quincy. Quincy was a show about a medical examiner. He's played by Jack Klogman and it was kind of a big show. Huge. And and he lived on it to give him some color. They had him live on a houseboat. He was a ladies man and he

was a ladies man. Okay, he's a ladies man. But my favorite, I saw a trailer once for a Quincy episode. This in real time in the late 70s and they said and tune in tonight. You know, Quincy goes to the track for some fun and it shows a horse racing and it shows the actor who plays Quincy Jack Clement going, go, go, go, when the horse goes down and you see the horse collapse and you see like literally hooves in the air. And then they say, um, uh, they, uh, Quincy, they just have a shot of Quincy and he's looking down at the horse and he looks up dramatic and he went, this horse was murdered.

That's so good. I can't believe I know that. It was like 1980 and I was jumping up and down in front of my TV set. This horse was murdered. But that's one of the shows that, what was the show did with with Anum West it was look well. Yeah, well Robert Smigland. I did a pilot for Adam West called look well about Like a and that and Quincy was want like Banachek Quincy All those shows manics. They're like it. They were part of what inspired you. Yes, there were a guy who doesn't play by the rules.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he's like in part of the system. He does it. No, no, he doesn't. He doesn't. He's way.

And also, there are always people are always saying to him, Quincy, come on. It was a clear heart attack. No, it wasn't. And I'll prove it. And then he goes rushing off. And it's so much Go on YouTube and look at these Quincy clubs. There's one

Put the kids to sleep early Gourley you know what you would like and then we'll move on to more prosperous areas. But I swear to God, there's a clip out there. There's an episode where Quincy encounters the phenomenon of like punk music and punk dancing. And something bad happens to somebody. And no, I'm not kidding. They actually tried to recreate it, but it's like 1970s TV writer's conception of,

and it's the band is like yelling death death murder Hey, and Quincy's in the audience going what's happening? What's wrong? This song was murdered. His song was murdered Very cool porter right. It's like when Elizabeth Berkeley on say brother Bell got addicted to caffeine. Oh, yeah, like that kind of like see now you're edging up into territory that's now I know. I know. Trying to bring it bring it up a little bit. Thank you for doing it reminds me of the time big time rush made that movie Where they went to London and the bad guys tried to get them. Huh? Did I went now? I went too far into it. I know who big time rushes But I don't know what movie you're talking about. It's good to know about everything son. It's good to know about everything

I could don't know any of the of the stars that I know or think of. Well, that's what I'm, what's interesting to me is, I grew up knowing about stuff in the 50s, 60s, 70s. And, you know, once it's happening in your lifetime, you know it, but sometimes I get the suspicion that now a lot of kids don't know about anything that happened before them. Is that just me being a cranky like guy?

I think that might be you being a little bit of a, I mean, people know older things, but the things that you know are like shows that ran for one season that no one else talks about. Quincy was a, Quincy was a huge show. Quincy was big. Yeah. Was it guys? Yeah.

Quincy was a big show. Okay. I mean, but there is also like three channels. That's true. Everyone had to watch. It was a different time. And Quincy was so big it was on all three channels. It was on all three now. Quincy, I'm all cast.

But the opposite's also true. I don't know what it is, what it's like with your kids, but my kids know people that I have no idea what they're talking. Well, you know when you go to the CVS or whatever and like the magazine cover and I'm like, I have no idea who they're 30. Well, that's really, you know what? I don't know who any of them are.

That's reality television. But I think because Well, that's really, you know what? I don't know who any of them are. That's reality television. But I think, because a lot of it is, you know, Janet tells Kristen, she better back off, because, you know, Nico is hers, and it's something from below deck, the underwater series, whatever. And I don't know what it is. That's a really good show.

It can't be. So, no, there's no who I am. She's still figuring it out. Are you? Yeah, who are you then? Yeah, I think it's funny, because I was wondering, these books must be a nice, because your day job,

I would think gets very intense. And then so you spend a day talking about, is the system, is the system that was constructed 240 years ago, possibly crumbling, and then it's okay, you can go home now, and maybe it's fun to go into a room and be these imaginary people that live in a different time. Yeah, and just, yes, and during this political era, it's nice to run away from it all.

Although there's a lot of, obviously, there's a lot of resonance for what is going on today in this book, because the two plots, so it's can Lucy tell the story their brother and sister Ike is with Evil, Can Evil in Montana and that is that becomes like kind of a plot about Demagogues and people who follow demagogues like why would you follow like evil, Can Evil decides he's gonna run for president Kind of like a publicity stunt and he and his and this gang of People who are living in the woods of Montana start following him to Washington DC to raise hell and then Lucy is working for a brand new tabloid in Washington DC called the Washington Sentinel which is being started by a British media magnate in Max Lyon who is very obviously loosely based on Rupert Murdock.

In the book you originally called him Gupert Gerdoch. You saw an early draft. And then your lawyer's got involved. Gupert Gerdoch. Hello, mate. Gupert Gerdoch's tonight. Oh my god, I've never heard your Australian accent. Is that Australian?

I thought that was fantastic. That's not an all-esth. This is an all-esth. 77, do you get any Star Wars in there? Star Wars is mentioned. It's mentioned at the beginning. Just checking two diligence. I can, yeah.

No, I can, I can Rachel, the girl he's in love with, reference going to see Star Wars. Also the film that I'm sure you're familiar with called Tentacles, one of a million jaws knockoffs. Oh, okay. Horrible movie start Henry Fonda. Like it has all these huge actors. It's about a giant octopus.

I imagine. And what you might not know is that octopus, Octopi, don't even have tentacles, they have arms. So it wasn't even named correctly. What, why, why, why everything? Well, as we just, again, this is called the late 70s. Yes. And that's summer of 77.

I remember really well because I was an am a huge Elvis fan and that's the summer that Elvis died, which is also a plot point in the book. And the big caravan of evil can evil. They stop at Graceland and mourn Elvis and then he jumps over the casket. Hi. And crashes. You know, Graceland, by the way, at the time, was not a museum. It was just where he lived. That's where he lived, yeah.

My house is now a museum, even before I go. It's really. Yeah, like your president. And I, the one, it's like when you go to a room to room and you push a button, it's me there. This is where I read the paper. Have you ever been in Graceland? Oh, yeah.

It's like the White House, surprisingly small. Yeah, it is very small. I mean, you can imagine when Elvis got Graceland and he's like 20, and he buys this house, he couldn't imagine a bigger home. And then all these years later, now that we live in this era of like McMansions and people being in big spaces, Graceland is like,

oh, this is cozy. It's nothing like Kohnland. No, which I've been to. I'm gonna build a Kohnland. Yeah, I'm gonna build it. Kohnland is quite nice. I'm sure you're... It's gonna be in the Smoky Mountains.

Have they all been to Kohnland? You both have been to my home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. And there are a few times you don't even know it. I saw you, the camera caught you once. That's a warning that day.. Conlon is beautiful. Yeah, it's a big tourist attraction. I'm the only guy that is trying to get this celebrity star bus to go by. I'm like waving them

in. You know, hello, actually, you send out some other to give maps. I do. To the map people and it's just your house. Right. Or sometimes I'm just say, I just say, I'm Adam Sandler's house. And then from behind the head, I go, I want a guy guy guy. By the way, he killed that he killed that the at the Sandler Mark Twain Award.

You did a great job. It was fun. It was a really fun night. Conan did a great job. He definitely put a lot of work into it in a good way. I mean, yeah, got it. We got to prepare. You got to prepare it. The way I prepare for these things, but I'm just saying mr. Tipper

All the demons Be here. Yes, all the demons are here Well, you know, so let's talk about other crazy things that happen in 77 so summer of Sam yep 77 remember that being a big deal Do you know what that is? Yeah, the do this miss your old a lot of people. Yeah, 77. Remember that thing a big deal. Do you know what that is? Yeah, the do. It tickled a lot of people. Yeah, and he said that it is top. He killed a tickled. He tickled.

He killed. That then tickling was a really bad person. Who was a capitalist? But they never found out who it was. Yes, I did. Oh, no, I'm just kidding. Yeah, yeah. David Berkowitz.

No, of course. And he heard voices. Yes, from a start. There we go. Okay. I get my serial killer. You know, they should have arrested the dog. When you think about it arrested the dog. Yeah

I didn't mean it. I didn't really go Even your dog is next All roads lead back to Nick always studio 54 opens. Oh Sooner 54 opens. Sorry. Ant live is really hitting it stride by 77. It's a huge thing. The New York City blackout. I mean, there's a lot of stuff. Jimmy Carter takes office.

Elvis dies horrible horrible. Oh, and guess who dies shortly after Elvis dies and no one pays attention because the Elvis knows news is so big. Groucho Marx. Is that true? Yep. I remember being also a huge Marx brothers fan

and shortly after Elvis dies, Groucho Marx passes away and gets kind of a, we'll take a brief moment from all this Elvis coverage. Oh, yeah. That's like, for a faucet on the same day as Michael Jackson. Yeah. For a faucet major. He didn't then Michael Jackson died like an hour or two later.

And she really, she got short-shriffed. I'm gonna have my publicist do a lot of calling around before I pass. Anybody out there? Any big stars? Cause Conan O'Brien's about to go. He'd like to reserve this afternoon blog. Yeah, he wants the whole afternoon and into the evening.

How's Kimmel feeling? Kimmel's fine, he took care of himself. Oh, how about Colbert? Colbert, he's okay, he's gonna hang in for at least another month. Good, all right, well I'm out then. And then just to start to just go up to see the light, I'm gonna start, my soul is gonna start to leave my body and then a massive star is gonna be killed in a balloon.

And I'm gonna jump back into my body. That a massive star is going to be killed in a balloon. Yeah. And I'm going to jump back into my body. That would, that would be a, that would be a feat. I can do that. You should, you should, you should write a book about that. That's a great idea. Literally as a, as a novel. I got you obsessed with getting the most comfortable. You want me to bring, trying to figure out how to do it.

It's real, it's actually a really good idea. But what's a book as much of it's like a 40 minute funny movie. And who does it in, is it Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn that sees his own funeral? I forget which one it is. You're the Mark Twain expert. You tell me. Yeah. Well, I didn't get the prize.

Well, you deserve it, but you did it. Thank you so much. You didn't pass the quiz. No, I did. The Sandler did. I believe, isn't it Huck Finn who's up in a tree and watches his own. What's that? Tom Sawyer.

So Tom Sawyer. Yes, Tom Sawyer. Tom Sawyer. Thank you so much for getting that for us. It is. It's Tom Sawyer. Some people think it's Huck Finn, but it's not. It's Tom Sawyer.

But Tom Sawyer sees his own funeral. Yeah. But what if there were a guy who like you wanted to see the. I do want to see my funeral. The spectacular media coverage that you get. Well, here's the other problem. We all know that's not happening. Okay.

It also is so much of its timing. I can say as somebody who covers these things. So for instance, Tina Turner, she died in, it was announced in an afternoon, like maybe two o'clock, and it got a ton of coverage. But she was also, I mean, she was huge. She was huge, a lot of,

but I'm telling you, like some of it is just timing, like some of it has to do with like how big is the other news going on there. So now this is on you, you need to organize this. Oh no, don't do that. Yeah, just so that it has to be the death of him, you don't have to coordinate when he dies, but when it's announced,

bury it at a Friday at five p.m. No, it's gonna be my last thing I do a Friday at 5 p.m. Oh, no. It's gonna be my last thing I do for you, and I'm gonna botch it. During the Oscars. Yeah. Also, it's how you go. I think if I can, you know, like if I bought a Zeppelin

and I took it up, you know what I mean? And collided with another Zeppelin. Yeah. And, you know, it's gotta be spectacular. You can't die of natural cause. Wait a minute, attack by a lion while in a Zeppelin. Oh, you know, it's got to be spectacular. You can't die of natural cause. Wait a minute, attack by a lion while in a Zeppelin. Oh. Flying thousands of feet in there.

You could be like rescuing someone. Like it like a... Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good. Like you're heroic. It's a heroic death. We didn't appreciate him while he was here. We didn't know.

We didn't talk enough about his heroic side. Hey, how about this, Jake? You're in the news business. And I could slip you a couple of bucks. Let's say, however I go. And let's say it's, even if it's, you know, just not, it's not great. Like I, I, and I have, I just had, like,

which is how I always do it. I just had a very bad diarrhea. And I died of diarrhea. And it was just three days of it. And people die of diarrhea, so that's a real thing like you you know all your water and your nurse so my point is that it's Google it's not

let me go it's not one it's not one bout of diarrhea it's like days and days and but mine is one long it's one long explosion. And so my point is, that's how I go. I'm going to have Sonia contact you, Jake, and you're going to say, try to foil a robbery to protect. Oh, you know, you've got to, you've got to, you've got to, but I, Sonia says like in a bizarre

diarrhea accident. Yeah, and I take pictures of it and I post them up everywhere. All right. I'm sorry. You could have the one to trust with this. Yeah. Speaking of which, I say something about Elvis. Like so, I learned while writing this book, the one of the reasons why some people blamed

Rupert Murdock for the death of Elvis Presley. And I'll tell you why, because he had a couple of bodyguards that his dad Vernon fired. And then they, Elvis is, okay. Yeah, and they didn't they did a tell all yes Elvis is two of Elvis's bodyguards one was Red West right and the other I can't remember which one it was a Louise no it's in the back it's a lot of what blue weeks what I have I have I'm contributing I have to be anything you're reading through your own book now well I have a contributing. I have a few notes to being anything. You're reading through your own book now. Well, I have, as you know, I do.

Do they ever cut back to you on CNN and you forgot and you're reading your own book? It's no, that's the way to get cover up. Red West, sunny West, and Dave Hebbler. Okay. As told to, Steve Dunleavy, who worked for the New York Post to work for Murnock, so they sold this book and this book came out.

Some people think it's so depressed Elvis by... The book was called Elvis, what happened? And it was this two-body guard saying, man, is he in rough shape? Elvis, and many people think that that was one of the things. That was one of the precipitating events that caused him to overdose and that's how we died. And so there are people out there who blame Rickupert Murdock for the death of Bill is wrestling.

I mean, because he published the book, because he's done leaving. It might be other things to get mad at Rupert Murdock about before. I'm not saying I'm one of them. And also, like, they were telling them their story about Elvis was true. I mean, what they were saying about him was accurate, right? Nobody disputes that. But anyway, how did you know about Red West and Sunny West? Oh, I know, I'll kind of think, I think I know a lot about.

He's an Elvis fanatic. Well, a fanatic is a little crazy. You're, yeah. I know a lot about certain things. You're a big fan of his. When I know, when I, when I have areas of interest, I go deep and then I know a lot about it. And so that would include, but I think that that spreads over a wide area. There are many areas of interest, whether it's Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello,

Lou Costello of Avton Costello. Those are my three areas of interest. So, now let me ask you a question about your life, which is when it's been a really tough news day and you're watching things go down that maybe can worry you as a husband and a father. Are you able to go home and shake that off and say,

it really depends. I mean, sometimes yes. I mean, look, most news is not good news, right? Most news is negative in some way or another. Like some things are very distressing. Obviously the school shootings are very upsetting. War is very upsetting. January 6th was very upsetting.

That's sort of thing. And it's tough to shake it off. But generally speaking, I go home and I try to change the subject. I try to just be with the kids and be with the wife and not, I don't watch news. I'll watch you or I'll watch other things on streaming or whatever, but like I'll try not to watch any news when I go home. Do you, I mean, I guess Twitter

has become a different thing, but it's really weird name, isn't it? Yeah, you want it like the algorithm else? I got off. I could. Yeah. It's interesting because I didn't go on at that much, but there are certain ways where you can get the news and kind of a straightforward way on Twitter. And then I felt like it started to change. And now I'm seeing a lot of stuff that just really depresses me. And I feel like a very heavy lens has been put in front of me that's distorting the picture. I feel like there's an algorithm that, look, all social media has this now where they,

I mean, they've all been doing this for their exacerbating and making us see conflict and hate and stuff like that. Look, all social media has this now where they, I mean, they've all been doing this for their exacerbating and making us see conflict and hate and stuff like that. But I feel like this new permutation of, of Twitter is like, it's showing me things I don't want to see. Like, there's a whole, I, you know, I have the people I follow and I want to read them, but like it defaults to some other group of tweets that like, I don't, who would, I don't want to watch. I don't want to read these tweets from these people. Who are they? Right. Like they've added this thing of like here are tweets that we would like you to read as opposed to this is what you this is what you would like to read. Yeah. From you know really awful people and I don't know I mean it's just strange to me but I'm sure you know what he's doing. Yeah. Yeah. All you see online is extremes.

Like the people in the middle aren't really that active. It's the people who are extreme who are just allowed it. But you're just talking on Twitter or you're talking about all social. All of them, all this like when I go on Reddit, I feel like it's like sometimes it's very doomsy. Well, of course it's Reddit. What do you think, what are you talking about?

That's like, when I go into the dark web, it takes a turn? Yes, sir, can I just say even the pornography I watch is very It's very doomsday. It's always like let's do it. What's the point? We'll be dead soon and then One chunk of that's your porn music. I thought it was check a bound bound Well that's I watch listen. I like to score my own pornography You listen on mute and then you do the music

I like to mute the porn and then put my own music in and voice It's sound I'm born here I go. I've never heard one chocolate like I've just never That's like a Beretta episode Agreed upon that it was check a bound I thought it was agreed upon that it was check about bad I thought it was Oh, man

What was the last time you guys watched porn? 1977, it's in the book Yeah, that was the summer of porn We were all except during the blackout Yeah, when suddenly all the porn went dark That's the blackout No, when it was passed, we all had to do something to recover So we watched four years old

And of course, that porn went't chuckle because of the whole... I'm telling you, this is all true. It's all in the book. There's no porn music. There's no porn in the book. There is no porn in the book. If you were to do porn music, what would it be? It wouldn't be, there would be no music.

It's just the squishing sound. Okay. Oh. Oh. Nice. What are they making? There would be no music. It's just the squishing sound What are they making lock Before they have sex That's the first this is not a squishing so that's a clapping sound. I know I can't squish with my hands We have a respected newsman Oh, okay. There we go. We have a respected newsman here.

And what's going on? People rely on him. Somebody stuff like this. I got what's happening. And this is what you do with it, sonar? You do this down this road. Well, Gory and I put beautiful music. Beautiful.

And then you come along with your physical sound. This is pushing us. Apparently you and your husband high-five each other during sex. This is a squ physical sound. You're squishing, you know it? Apparently you and your husband high-five each other during sex. You're like squishing, Sam. That's just like a squishing sound. We did it! The clippers go to another hit and listen to that.

I crow, squish! You're babies are good though, you said. You, come on, why do you have to go to my babies? You just, well, you, I, because all of a sudden we were talking about you having sex God yeah, they're good. They're gonna be the only time. Yes, you had babies. Yes I know and last time I did this podcast you were about to have twins and you suggested I named them Leopold and low It's just fantastic. Yeah, that's great. I think Leopold and lowva's the perfect name for them. For Eric and Lyle. And there's so many,

Eric and Lova. There are so many killing duos. Soko and Vanzetti. Soko and Vanzetti. Well, were they guilty? We don't know. Fat man and little boy.

Yeah. Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God. Doesn't need a nuclear bombs. Yes, yes they are. That's right. That's right.

Well, I don't know. I mean, if I'm just saying if one of her kids were a little chubby or then the other one, they could be a little family or a little boy. Yeah, one's a little thicker. Well, there you go. There you go. That's right, he's probably listening right now. And a single tear is going down.

He's actually listening. Mama thinks I'm chunky. I wanna make sure I mention this. All the demons are here. This book is out. There is a large chunk at the end, which is telling you, it's giving you basically factual follow-ups.

The end notes are just, I put those in the end of every book so people can know what's real and what's not real from all the stuff I write about because there's historical fiction. It's historical fiction, so there's real things. And if you want to know, did Jake make up Viva Kinival or is that a real movie and you just go, no, Viva Kinival was a real film? And then I do the review from the nineteen seventy seven daily variety in the most daring feat of his career evil can evil leaps over a mountain of blazing key cliches and a cavernous plot. That's so real.

You know what? I think that critic had made up their mind before they went. I think they went, you know, to hate evil can evils movie. I would have written a wonderful review for that movie. Well, I think Gene Kelly was in it. Well, this is, there was an era. Do you remember this? Was it the swarm? It was about bees, killer bees coming up and they got huge stars to be in these things. All the Irwin Allen disaster films. All the Irwin Allen disaster films had the biggest Hollywood stars of the 30s and 40s and 50s were in disaster movies in the late 70s and 80s. Yeah.

And that's mostly them saying, my God, how could this have happened? Think about the towering in Furnow. It had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen and O.J. Simpson and Fred Astaire. That's right. Keep going. That's it. Fire. And Rodney McDowell is in all of them. Right. And George Kennedy. A George Kennedy is ever almost every disaster movie

but you know so that you talk about the killer beast in the swarm we've alienated so many people in this but i think about the swarm you know that the swarm but the killer bees so what so in the seventies this was a legitimate fear who's old enough to own you are you the only but you know you can you maybe you two no no you are i love that you pointed to play who's actually about 22 But he went through a hard

I remember a couple years ago remember killer bees okay, so these were a big thing that we're gonna kill us all so right They were coming from South America. They were in come. They did a horror movie about it called the swarm They did there was an NBC did a special about it and Researching this book. I found out that it was all pretty much invented by Rupert Renock to sell papers. Oh my God, he sucks. In San Antonio, I'm not prepared to say that. The first newspaper, Cooper, he bought these San Antonio newspapers and they basically scared the shit out of the country to sell papers. And the killer bees were a real thing, but it was, they were, it was going to take years for them to get to the United States.

And you only really, it wasn't like one, one would sting you to, you'd be like, like a thousand would have to sting you to kill you. Anyway, no, no, it was, it was a, I remember it was a, again, a incredibly cheesy, kooky movie about the killer bees coming and taking over towns. And I remember there's, at one point, I think it was Michael Cain was a scientist in it. And he said, in the swarm. And I don't do a Michael Canyon pressure and it'll just be nixing again. But no, but Michael can says, I can't believe it

was the bees. They've always been our friends. Like of all the of all the insects, it was the bees. It's more like, um, I can't believe it was the bees. It was the bees.

You know, it's just a slow. It's a slow. I'm really shocked. It's not a good belief. Can't but there you go. It was a beach. Well, I'll try again. There you go. There it is. There it is. Oh, love. Bays, Merry Poppins. All right. All right. Cool. Do you remember? Do you remember the, I'm the voice of reason here. Then the shit is hit the fan. Do you remember

when, do you remember the horror movie starring Michael King called the hand? I just watched that. Did you watch really? I haven't seen that. Oh, I adore that movie. He is a cartoonist who loses his hand in a car accident and then the hand starts killing people. The hand escapes and starts killing people. And then should we do the spoiler alert? Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it. You're not sure whether it's it is imagining it or it's manifesting his ideas. Is he killing is he killing people? Yeah. And he's imagining that it's his hand creeping along. I'm going to say no. I'm going for it's actually the hand. Correct. But you don't find that out to like the last minute of the movie. It's just that I didn't wrote it. All of her stone. Yep. Who plays a cameo as a bum in that movie. Yeah. Yeah. We got more movie. It's just that I didn't wrote it all over stone. Yep. Who plays a cameo as a bum

in that movie. Yeah. Yeah. We, um, we got more time. Let's cover some movies. We got on your life. You're on the air. This is what talking to you does, Jake. Because your books are filled with all this stuff, then the next thing you know, we're talking about the hand. And so we might as well get the word out on the hand. I think written and directed by Oliver Stone. And that same old story about a cartoonist who loses his hand, 1981, and the hand of course goes out and kills people. So check that out, I'm sure.

That's one of those movies that when you look for it on streaming, you will not find it. Oh, I got places. I got places. We know you have places. You go to Zona's house and check out her dark web where she has the squishy porn. Right. I'm going to watch it. It's subreddit.

Watch porn. I want to check it. It's worth. I want to check it. I want to check it. Five. All right. Uh, Jake Tapper book. It's a thriller. All the demons are here. Book. It's a book, I took a book, I took a book, I took a hot five. All right, Jake Tapper, book.

It's a thriller. All the demons are here. Book. It's a book. Go and read it. Book. No, you're a New York Times best selling author. This is a big deal.

That's a cool thing. Well, thank you so much. You guys are very kind. We're not professional. I don't know that we've helped you in any way. Yeah. But I think your listeners read books. I think they do.

They do. They're very... We're trying to read some more. We're trying to weed them out. I think you have smart answers. We do. We have actually, we have very cool fans. And very airy-dite fans, I believe. All right, Jake Tapper. Thanks, guys.

God bless you. Thank you so much. your dad when you're eating a meal. I don't like this and your dad said, I don't know what you like. No, he said, why should I care what you like and don't like? Yeah, that's where. Despite all of our little sibling rivalry having, you know, I think you're a very funny guy. You did this voice on there,

where you're that age cone in telling your father what you like. And I was editing and I was fucking rolling. I don't remember the voice. Father! Father! Father! Oh, that guy. And I was editing and I was fucking rolling. I don't remember the voice. Father. Father. Oh, oh, that guy. And what I really like to do is when I'm really doing a pressy young fellow, I like to

say instead of father, the Latin potter. Oh, potter. Potter. And I have a little bell. Dingling, dingling, dingling, dingling, dingling. Potter! Yes, son, what is it? Potter. It should be clear now.

I know I'm one of six. I'm in the middle. But I think you know by now, I'm not a fan of half and half. I like 2%. Well, half and half is just a little too thick. But 2%, it gets it just right. It's not quite as viscous as a t-word you lousy punk oh potter don't get your don't get your panties

in a bunch potter come here come here I'll you! You have to catch me first! I've got one of those old-timey bicycles with a giant front wheel. It's called a Velocipede or a penny-far thing if you will. I'm getting upon it right now and you'll have to catch me. Whee! Then I'm zipping around the room. My father's in his lab coat trying to catch me. Can there you creep? You lousy. Again, so that we don't forget, Potter. Two percent is on the money for me. One percent's tooth in, half and half's tooth thick.

I love that the other five children are 100% normal children. And you're the only one in that family. Whereas a little beanie. I will tell you a true story, which is, this is an absolutely true story about my brother Luke, we lived in Brooklyn, I massed Houston's and we would walk, there was this store that we would go to and it was like a small grocery

and our parents would send us, my mom would send us an errands. Like, can you go get some hamburger, can you get this, Can you get that? The store was in this one area where there were these tougher kids. Like, the Irish Catholic kids that played hockey, which my brother and I definitely were not. They were the ones that played hockey, and they kind of knew those are those weird kids.

Their father's like a scientist, and they read. And they, they, and I think we kind of stuck out out and they thought we were strange. We were walking over. My brother, Luke, is very, very highly intelligent. He's really smart and he was really very precocious at that age. Much smarter than I was and still much smarter than I am. And we would, we walked into the store market one day and these tough kids came over and they kind of half-surrounded us and they were sort of pushing us and the thing to say

At least in our town in those days was if you wanted to say something negative about someone you say, what are you mental? What do you mental? You know, I was like, hey, what are you mental? And they were kind of shoving us a little bit and they were saying to Luke What do you mental and Luke actually said to them? Well? Mental is Latin and it implies of the mind. So that's kind of a compliment. Thank you very much. Bam! The beating that ensued lasted for 20 minutes.

I was on your side till he said that. Yeah, but I mean, you know, I do remember that. I know, and Luke weighed all of like 80 pounds, and I probably weighed 81 pounds, and he was older than me, but he had, like, I don't know, he had been a little sickly. So anyway, it was just absolutely. What do you do when your brother, you just hide? Oh, I think I said, I don't know him.

Oh, no. Even though we look identical. Yeah, you guys look so much alike. Yeah, people did think we were twins practically, but I think I pretty much had a standard line, which is, I don't know this man. I'll help you hit him. And yes, if anyone gets tired hitting him,

I'm a pretty good hitter. Here's a stick. Yeah, exactly. You know, you don't have to use your fist. There's some rocks over here. That way you don't bruise your knuckles. And then Luke, of course, at the bottom of the pile would say, well, rocks are actually their denser

than the actual bone of a fist. So I think Conan's got a good point. You know, the Greeks believed. Yeah, yeah. What do you meant? Well, Latin does. In place.

And then I'd run home to tell my father. Potter, potter. Some hooligans are thrashing Luke. What? Which one's Luke? Luke is the one one year old to the night. But a year separates us. Of the six, he is two and I am three. Oh, potter, what a thrashing he's taking. I don't have time to do anything. But I'm supposed to do about it. I'm a microbiologist.

Father, you say you're a microbiologist. Why do you sound like a prize fighter? You'll have to. By the way, did you pick up that two percent? Not the time. Yeah. All right. Anyway, a little Luke, I love you. Glory. You're still smarter and better than me, but man, you shouldn't have whipped out that Latin in front of those hockey players. For that, I mean, that's on you, man. Yeah. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien,

Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themesong by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick,

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