Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - JB Smoove Live from the SiriusXM Garage

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

JB Smoove feels frustrated about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. JB joins Conan live from the SiriusXM Garage to discuss fashion, how to pull people in, and ways that Conan could be more charismatic. Plus, assistant David Hopping joins the crew to help field questions about the seven-year itch, what other genre of podcast they would host, and more. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

This special live episode from the garage at Sirius XM is sponsored by Chevy. I had a Chevy truck once. You did? Yeah, it was vintage. It was 1952. I had a 1952 Chevy and it was a green, sort of a farm machinery green. That's really cool. It was such a great truck.

It was an electric. No, it was not. Okay. Because it was built in 1952. Okay. Yes, that was great. That was fun, but it's time to move into the future. It is.

Yeah. Electric vehicles. Chevy is all over it. Chevy has EVs. That's what I call electric vehicles. EVs for everyone. I coined that phrase. No, you didn't.

They make electric vehicles for every kind of life stage and every kind of budget. Here's the idea. Chevy's the brand for the people. So we bring our show to the people. That's a cool thing that you did. Yeah. The people on stage and the people at home. We're the people on stage.

That's right. And then we... Did you figure that out yourself? Did you get help? Yeah. No, Chevrolet has always been, of course, trusted with transportation needs for the last 100 years. Can you believe that?

What? Chevy's always been there for you before. Who better to take care of you in the next phase of electric vehicles? I can't think of anybody. No. If you want to know more about the Chevy EV lineup, head to chevrolet.com slash Conan. How you all doing? All right.

How are you? I know some of you came from great distances. Who came from very far away to be here today? Pasadena. Wow. Did you really come from Pasadena? Yes. You know, Matt Gorley, who's on the podcast, is from Pasadena?

I've been to his house. It takes me nine hours to get there. Yes. I take a seaplane. So you drove all the way from Pasadena. Do you ever see Matt Gorley walking around in the neighborhood? I've looked, but no. You've looked for Gorley, but you haven't seen him?

Not yet. You're a creep. He's going to be here in the flesh, so your plan worked. That's the exciting part. Is everyone here pretty much familiar with the podcast? You all listen to the podcast. As anyone here who's just never heard the podcast before, anybody, you, what is that? Why are you here if you've never heard the podcast?

Who's she? My wife is. You refer to your wife as she listens to the podcast, and so she dragged you along. Listen, let me explain something. I don't want to oversell this. This next hour is going to change your life. This is going to be the greatest, greatest thing that you ever experienced. It's going to be amazing, and then you're going to understand why your wife loves the

podcast, and you're going to start listening with her. Don't you think that's plausible? You just, I said all that and you just shrugged. You gave me a very unimpressed shrug. All right, I've got my eye on you this entire time. What's your name, sir? Oh, Robert. Robert.

Robert, we will convert you. All right? I know you came very reluctantly. This is like jury duty for you, isn't it? This is something you were really not looking forward to. We're going to change Robert's life today, ladies and gentlemen. You're going to see it happen over the next hour. I think we should get started.

We have a wonderful show for you today in this incredible environment. Let's bring them out right now. Let's get them out here. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Matt Goorley, this woman came all the way from Passing and Sonam Obsession. Okay, let's all have a seat here. This is a very natural transition. I was told to keep this microphone very close to my face because I think these are from

the 1940s. Yeah, that might be too close because you're distorting. Okay. That's nice. This is good right here. Hello? Don't be afraid. Okay, I don't know.

It's just so, it's so shiny and it's, it's different and I, I'm my feet are dangling. I feel really weird. You need a little apple box. Yeah, this is a little embarrassing. We didn't check out the space beforehand. Let me set the table for those of you listening. We are at the Sirius headquarters in Los Angeles and this is the mothership. This is a beautiful building.

Very high tech. Sonam and I, we've done a show here before. I don't remember your feet dangling. You look like someone just threw a ventriloquist dummy in a chair and walked away. Slouch. Yeah. No, no, no. It's fine.

Your feet can dangle. It's fine. Yeah. Just be yourself. Be relaxed. People love you, Sona, for you. That's okay. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm, I'm very, I'm okay. I'm going to be fine. It's just that it's, I didn't expect this. This threw me off a little. You are, you're fine. Well, my legs are 90% of my body. Yeah.

Yeah. And I'm over eight feet high. Right. Now let's talk about Matt Gorley. Matt, this is the first time that you've been in the Sirius studios because Sona and I did a show here once before. Yeah. This is all new to you.

Yeah. I met someone from Pasadena. Yeah. There's a woman who came to see the show today. I asked the audience just beforehand who came the furthest distance. This woman very confidently raised her hand. I mean, first of all, how would you know you didn't poll the rest of the audience? I think she's right.

No. We have two people here that, that came from Venezuela. Yeah. They took a boat all the way from Venezuela. She's from Pasadena via the long way around the world. Oh, I see. I got it. I got it.

But she, I asked her, she's a Gorley fan and she said, and she's a regular listener to the podcast. I kind of jokingly said, if you looked from Matt Gorley in Pasadena, she said she has glasses. Oh. So she's had her eye out for you, but hasn't seen you yet. Well, vice versa. And I have noticed a silhouette in the window at night.

You're a respectful stalker. You're a stalker that has principles. You're a, no, she's, she's a COVID safe stalker. She follows protocol. She follows protocol. She always wants to keep a safe distance and make sure that all the rules are followed. Yes. Well, it's, it's lovely to have you here.

I'm meeting some wonderful people that are in our audience. That's nice. My life is constantly meeting people now that listen to the podcast regularly. I've often met people who are in the process of hearing the podcast on earbuds. That's happened to me many times now. Today was interesting because there's someone who came all the way here to be here, Robert, who doesn't, has never heard the podcast before. Oh.

And when I asked him, he made the sort of wavering hand motion. It's the universal signal known throughout the world is eh, yeah, have you heard a podcast before? Ooh. Oh, he said that so confidently, like he listens to every other podcast. Yeah. I wish Robert had said, I do not know what these podcasts are. Yeah.

Then I'd feel better about it all. But it turns out he loves podcasts. He chooses not to listen to it. He actively shows not to. He skips it. This podcast. So he lives with his wife and I'm assuming, I'm assuming you do, I only say that because my wife and I, you know, her request, we're going to straighten it out.

I don't blame her. No, no, no. No one does. Yeah. Everyone's on her side. I think so. Let's just say she had had enough of my banter. She also chooses not to listen to this podcast.

She also, yeah. Yeah. Or to me. No, I live in a little bouncy castle behind the house. But you know, that's, it fascinates me that wife and avid fan loves the podcast, always listening to it. And yet that's really telling that you're living in close proximity to a super fan that would come to a broadcast like this and yet a taping like this.

And yet you still refuse to listen. And I may talk about nothing else. I may not even bring a guest out today. I know. You're so angry. He's also got your plugs in right now. Yeah. He looks like a child.

He's got his hands over his ears and he's going, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm still stuck on you sleeping in a bouncy castle. It's very difficult. Because when I roll over at night, I bounce out through the top of the castle. Doing, doing, doing, doing, doing. You couldn't sleep anywhere else. Whenever I, I can always tell that Liza, my wife, is annoyed with me because she quietly walks out of the house and then I hear the sound of a bouncy castle inflating.

She's doing it manually. That's how much she wants you out. Do we get just by ourselves? She does it manually. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. No.

Well, she's Amish. They don't believe in using tools. She's Amish. I married into an Amish family. But they believe in bouncy houses? Oh, they love bouncy houses. Yeah. But they do not believe.

You're learning a lot about Liza today. Yeah. She's got incredible lung capacity. They're recruiting her for the, for the Olympics. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Holding her breath underwater.

Oh, God. Yeah. Holding her breath underwater for hours at a time. I'm going to tell you that I think that we're going to convert Robert today by the end of this. I've promised him that at the end of this podcast, he's going to be, because already he's like, oh my God, this guy, where is all this funny information coming from? He must have, he just thought of Amish.

How did he do that? Probably freaking out thinking like, when you see a magician perform, you're like, what's the trick? How does he do it? I don't know. I think your neediness is driving him further away from the podcast. I think he's like, oh my God, is this what the whole podcast is? Is it singling somebody out who doesn't listen to it?

They're 29 super fans here. Yeah. And all you can think about is the audience. Let me explain to the rest of you. He's on the one. Let me explain to the rest of you how it works. When you're someone who's afflicted with whatever it is I have and you see an audience and everyone's happy except one person, you only think about that one person.

And I'll go tonight, when I'm in that bouncy castle trying to fall asleep, slowly bouncing up and down, I'll be thinking about Robert. How come I couldn't win Robert over? That's the way it is. No, that's not healthy. It's not healthy and it's not wise. Robert's got the demeanor of a dad from the 1950s when you come over to date his daughter and you're in high school and he's just like, you got a lot to prove, kid.

Yeah. I saw him just fish out his car keys from his pocket. I think he's either going to attack me with them or drive away immediately. I say, listen, I am thrilled that we have a great audience here. We're here in this incredible, it's like, it's the Death Star. And I mean that in the nicest way. Is that good? That's good.

Meaning it has the capability to destroy planets and maybe it will, but also it's advanced technology here. Which Death Star? The first one and the second one. Oh, God. Those movies all run together for me. Oh, really? You've seen one, you've seen them all, you know?

Oh, well, okay. Let's take it easy. Just move on. Come on, even your friend from Pasadena agrees. Who can tell one from the other? I've got Yoda and which one's got... Okay, Yoda's not in the Death Star. Do you mean Difference in Death Star or Movies?

Okay, Movies I meant. Oh, sorry. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Okay, me either. You know what? Now you're the person, I'm the second angriest that in the room. I'm with you. Yeah.

We have an amazing show today. Incredible show. We have a wonderful guest and I think I should introduce that guest and I think you can't wait for me to introduce that guest and I'm going to do it in a very smooth way that a guy has been in radio for all of eight minutes. Radio. Radio he calls it. I'm sorry, it's the same thing.

Well, I guess this is satellite radio. I'm sorry, it is the same thing. You're in your rental car, you're clicking on, you know, and you hear something coming. That's it. Well, how is that not radio? Radio is not downloadable and the second Death Star was bigger than the first. So they decided after the first one blew up that the problem was it wasn't big enough. That's what they realized the core issue was.

And instead of a weakness that you could fire a torpedo into, they made it big enough you could fly a bunch of ships into. Yeah, yeah. Well, again, you took us to your favorite topic and people were slowly filing in. I'll cut all this out. My guest today is a hilarious actor and comedian who wrote for Saturday Night Live and appeared in such movies as Pootie Tang and Spider-Man Far From Home. He also plays Leon in the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Now you can see him in the new Netflix series Blockbuster. I'm thrilled. He's with us today. JB Smoove. Welcome. He just removed Matt Gorley's sweater vest. I don't know where you're going to run into a good v-neck. When you find time and get me the fucking sleeves, do get those sleeves in.

I don't know. No, let me understand something. JB, first of all, you can't just point to someone's clothes and demand that you have them or can you at this point in your career? Of course you can. Fashion is an amazing thing. And you know what? They have something called the bow tie exchange program.

You know what that is? If I walk down the street and I see another bow tie guy and I got my bow tie on and his bow tie matched my outfit better than the bow tie I got on, I take his bow tie. Is this a real thing? He has to give it to me. He'll say, wow, my bow tie will match your outfit perfectly. And my bow tie will match yours. And we proceed to exchange goddamn bow ties.

Yes, yes. The bow tie is my sweater vest. You have to give him something now, don't you? No. I gotta give him shit, you know what? But you have to have a sense of style. He is doing this damn vest dirty right now. He got on some jeans and sneakers that don't even match the fucking vest.

Yeah, I know. The sneakers don't match. Wait, you don't understand. If I do anything more than that, he berates me for looking like a tweed Victorian guy. A grown ass man. There's no reason why a grown ass man shouldn't look. And you need to hang out with me. It's not all about your clothing, it's about you.

It's you behind the clothing. When I walk into my closet, you know what I hear? When I walk into my closet, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Everybody wants to wear me. They want to wear me. My outfits want to wear me. They want to be around me all damn day. Those are your outfits talking to you in a high-pitched voice.

My clothes want to be around me. Sometimes I got to get in the dryer with my clothes on. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Everybody wants me to wear them. Turtle neck. I'm like, turtle neck, shut up. It's 95 degrees outside. It's not right now.

Sit so ass or fuck down, turtle neck. Shut up. You came into the room 20 minutes ago, I showed up, and then you walk into the room and I thought, how am I going to get on stage with this man? You were the best dressed man in show business. They are. This man is always impeccably dressed. You have a lean silhouette.

You are in fine shape. Your shoes are fantastic. Impeccable, impeccable. Yeah. Yeah. You're supposed to act a little shy, you know? You're not supposed to say, yes, yes, impeccable. Look at the heels on those shoes.

Those have diamonds on them. These are, see, always tell everybody out there, you know, I give good advice sometimes, and something like a fucked up advice. Well, I'll tell you one thing. You can't go wrong with a pair of great shoes. You can mess those shoes up with anything. And it lasts forever if you take care of them.

You know how many times I change the sole on these shoes? Is that a rhetorical question? Four times, man. Four times. Wait, you've, I've never replaced soles on a pair of shoes. If you take care of the leather and you condition it constantly, you can replace the sole on a great shoe, especially a Louis Vuitton.

A Louis Vuitton, they will replace every goddamn thing. Okay, but wait a minute. What kind of way is that to spend a life? That's how they do it. You're, you're, I feel like now you go home and you have to go, there are things you want to do. You want to spend time with your wife. You want to do something fun,

have a like a nice glass of wine, but no, you have to go and start rubbing conditioner into your shoes. That's something I don't have to worry about. See, here's what fashion does. Here's what fashion does. Sometimes fashion makes an appearance and it goes away. You can't find these shoes nowhere.

You can search the internet far and wide. You will not find these goddamn shoes. You better off catching the dude wearing these, sleeping on a train and take them fucking shoes off and goddamn feet. I don't think that's right. I think that's called stealing. You're saying that we should begin,

we didn't actually do the actual beginning of the show because we always get right into it with you, JB. You're too much fun to talk to. When you do the actual beginning of the show where you say, hi, my name is JB's move and I feel blank about being Conor Bryant's friend. This is by the way, this is Robert's favorite part. Oh, hi, my name is JB smooth.

Hello. And I feel frustrated about being Conor Bryant's friend. Why would you be frustrated? Or over it. I feel over it. That's not a good word. I feel over this. No, I'm so-co is frustrated, you know.

Wait a minute, why did you go from frustrated to over it? Here's what it is. We've been through this before, man. I tried to help you before, but you refused to take the help. When, see, here's the language that's wrong. See, here's the language. Conan, Conan needs a friend.

Did you have to just check the sign? I just want to make sure I see what my name is. No, no, not you. I've known you for like 20 years. I want to make sure I tell you, no, make sure I tell you what the word in here that needs to go away. Conan, Conan needs a friend.

Right? What's the wrong word? What's the bad word? It's need. Yeah. You're too needy, man. Well, we've been through this. We talked about it at the top of the show.

You know, I focus on the one gentleman who doesn't want to listen to the podcast, and that's all I can think. And yes, I'm to get JB. So, see, see, here's the thing. You're trying to find a friend. This is the wrong way to do it, man. I'm trying to find a friend.

Conan, sometimes, Conan, you got to take a friend. See, here's the thing. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Take a damn friend. Robert, that's going to take a very creepy turn. No, you're too busy trying to find a friend. You need.

You like that song? Is that a good, is that a good Conan impression? Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's perfect. It's spot on. That's a good one. You need a friend.

You got Conan. You need a friend. You need my friend. Maybe, Gorley, you'd like to try one. I need a friend. Oh, help me. You need my friend. You need my friend.

This is hearing, you see. I'm looking at three Bs right now, and I can't decide which one I am. So you think it's too needy. Too needy. It's too needy. It's too needy. You are too busy trying to find a friend when you should

be taking a friend. When you see a group of people having a great time, they're all laughing and joking around. They're having a ball. You go over there and take the one you want. His word is like, you know, watch those old movies, and they be in those ball dresses, and they dancing in the middle of a floor.

It is a big ball going, a ball. And people having ladies have a long ass dress on. Everybody can't step on that shit, a long ass dress. Yes, we all know where the ball is. The dude got his fucking back. We know where the ball is. The dude got his back all torn, his back is torn like this. His fucking nose is in the fucking air.

He's dancing and shit. And then some dude comes out of nowhere and taps him on the fucking shoulder. Me, I cut in. You got to cut the fucking on somebody. You got to cut in and say, you mind if I borrow your friend for a little while? And you proceed to dance with that motherfucker.

OK, not literally. No, no, no, I know that this is a. But in your mind, this is a metaphor. I understand. Of course it is. You want me to metaphorically tap on someone's shoulder and say, may I cut in? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

See, that's what you're saying. Now, listen to me. No, you physically touch that motherfucker. You tap his fucking shoulder. Oh, you want me to tap? With your fucking middle finger, like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You mind if I cut the fucking and you proceed to take him? You take his ass.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. In your mind, you're conversing with him. But in your mind, you fucking dancing. Yeah, yeah. You fucking dancing. Your fucking head is up. You long and lean. Yeah.

Your back can be torn like this. And you fucking hold your head up proudly. Yeah. And you hold a conversation with this motherfucker. And find out if he fits into your fucking square and he's a fucking circle, you got to find out if it's going to work. OK.

You take that friend. OK. You lie. You tell him things that you don't have. You have everything. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You take that friend. You steal that friend away.

See, now, you in control. Yeah. You in control of the friendship. Therefore, you are no longer needy. Yeah, OK. OK. Let's take it easy on those, you know. Yeah.

I hear what you're saying. I should be a little more, I think, have a little self-esteem. Maybe have a little confidence. And it shouldn't be Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Conan O'Brien takes a friend. Takes a friend. Yeah.

It changes the whole dynamic. What do you think, Sony? It changes you. I do think the wording is a little problematic. The taking part, I'm still confused about. I know you tap someone on the shoulder and then you just become their friend, but I think that I'm a little confused about the word take.

Yeah, a little frightened, too. It's a little. Yeah. Remember there was a Friday the 13th movie, Jason Takes Manhattan? It kind of feels like that. Well, no, no one remembers that movie. No one remembers that movie.

I don't have all the moments. I don't remember that fucking movie. Yeah, I remember the 13th movie. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Your fans from Pasadena think it's a movie. Only stalkers watch that kind of shit. Wow. Yeah.

No, I don't remember that. But I understand what you're saying. It can be, in this era, you want to make sure that the other person's interested in being my friend. That's all. No, look. I'm not saying put that person in a chokehold.

I'm saying use your charisma. Charisma. All this shit that's cool about you. You see them with their fucking giggling, laughing their ass off. You say to yourself, I would love to be in that circle of friends. I bet they have a good time all the fucking time. Look at them.

Ha, they got history. They're loving each other. Ha-ha, look at that. Even if you just nuzzle your ass up in there, you nuzzle. Nuzzle. Are you a good nuzzle lover? You nuzzle your ass up in there. I got to use my face to sort of just like a wedge

and wedge in there. You nuzzle in there. You nuzzle in there. Role play this, where the three of us are having a conversation and you could try it out. Oh my god, I would love to try that. All right, let's try it. You guys are having a good time and I'm over here.

And so we're cool. We're a cool group of people. Yeah, the history we have. Oh my god. Oh, make sure you get there on your mic there. I couldn't believe it. And it's like, this never stops with a guy. He's all amazing.

Hey, guys. Guys. Hey. Hey, guys. Not right now. Not right now. I need a friend. No.

No. Who is this idiot? It's not a good time. Hello. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, I'm tapping you, mofo. Oh. Oh, well.

I'm tapping you. Who's this? I'm going to tap that right now. Oh. What? Hold on, no. What happened? That's dead wrong.

Okay, that was wrong. I took the tapping and then it just went to, yeah. That's where it goes sideways. You just maced me, JB. She went to rock. She went to rock. Okay, she went to rock fast. You're right.

I went in. I came in too strong. I think you're right. I think this is going to be something that's probably not in my nature, but I think it's going to happen for me. And I think one of the things that would help me is that if I learned to be a little more like you, I don't have the confidence, the hat you're wearing right now is spectacular. Yeah.

No, seriously. It's spectacular. And I can't, look at that. If I put that hat on, it's just, look what's going to happen. It's just not going to work. Talking about homage. Your tilt game is off. It does look off.

We went through this a long time ago when you had to do the 125th Street shows at the Apollo. Now you got to tilt that hat. If you're going to tilt it, tilt that hat, man. What do you tilt it in one way? Tilt it. You have the perfect long face like me. Yeah.

You got to wear it. You got to wear that hat. Yeah. Tilt it. No, no. That's too much of a tilt. This is too much of a bob. No, no, no.

This looks like I've been in a train accident. No, no. That's too much. The 1930s, I've been in a train accident. That's way too much of a tilt right there. You'll fall. You'll fucking fall. All right, all right, all right.

I got to get it back up again. Get it back up right there. Yeah, right here. About right there. Yeah, okay. That's a little better. But you got to act like, you got to believe it. If you don't fucking believe it, that hat will reject you.

I am not going to believe this ever. This is never going to work for me. See, that's the kind of hat on you, if you don't wear it right, that hat will intentionally get blown away by the wind. But it looks fantastic on you. And also, my problem too is I have a very large head. I know that the average person looks at me and goes, perfection. But no, I have a very large head and I can't just get any old hat.

I need a hat maker to make me a hat. You need a custom hat made, or you wear a hoodie all the fucking time. You know what I'm saying? Wear a fucking hoodie. I can't wear a hoodie. Wear a fucking hoodie, why not? I don't know. I'll just look like that big ass head.

You know what I'm saying? That white rapper that's saying, jump around. You know, I'm just like, you know what I mean? Some Boston guy in a hoodie, we all look the same. I get that. I get that. Yeah, jump around. So this friendship thing.

This friendship thing. This is about you being in the right frame of mind. You're right. Your brain got to be right. Your brain's too cluttered. Your brain should be simpler. Here's a perfect example. You know what?

Your mechanisms is fucked up right now. You know what mechanisms are? Mechanism. The mechanism. The mechanism. I feel more specific. I kind of understand the concept of a mechanism. This is the mechanism.

This is how your brain is. I feel your brain is very limited. And the mechanism in your head is very limited. And it's like simple shit. But you're like, here's what it is. Here's what your brain is right now. You go to the bathroom, right? Yes.

And you take the back of the fucking, you open the back of the fucking toilet tank. You know, take that shit off, right? And you're looking at motherfucker, right? Yeah. Looking down inside. Yeah. What's in that bitch?

It's a pulley. It's a fucking chain. It's a fucking stopper. Stopping that fucking water up. You get that water from going to fuck out, right? Yeah. That's how your fucking brain is. That's how simple your fucking mind is.

That's how simple your fucking brain is. Wait, you're saying you took an MRI of my brain? You see a chain? You see a stopper? And you see that fucking stopper? It's on that little fucking hole to hold the water in. That's, if I get an X wave, an MRI, a fucking CAT scan, your fucking brain is going to be a fucking mechanism.

It's the back of a toilet. It's the back of, literally, it's the fucking mechanism of that toilet bowl. Okay, so what do I do? I mean, if we took an MRI of your brain, it would be a wonderland, right? Oh, my shit's a wonderland. It's fucking amazing shit going on in there. Amazing shit. It won't be that simple ass shit.

Right. My shit more like a bidet. I got a bidet mind. I'm over, I'm over fucking bidet. You're like one of those really complicated Japanese sophisticated bidets. It was just where to aim, you know. You ever get one of those showers? They got like 14 fucking shower heads.

That's me. That's fucking me. 14 shower heads. Watch my balls. Watch my knees. Watch my fucking feet. Watch my fucking back. All my shit get washed.

Different fucking sprayers. They fucking do everything. Yeah. And I can shit in the back too. Okay. What kind of, who wants to do that? What kind of shower is that? This is metaphorically speaking.

That's how my brain is. That's how complicated my brain is. I see. You are simple minded. Yeah. That's why you are limited in your fucking thoughts. That's why you are still searching for a fucking friend. Your brain.

This is the first consulting interview I've done in a almost 30 year career. My brain. And then I think you're on to something. I'm not saying, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, my brain is complicated. My shit is just always moving and going. My brain is like a fucking math equation. My brain is, my brain is. Now you don't hear this shit a lot.

You heard it. He's grown up, but you don't hear that shit no more. Pathagorem and theorem. Remember that shit? Oh that. The triangle, pathagorem and theorem. Yeah. That motherfucking rate there.

That fucking math equation. We learned in motherfucking school that we ain't gonna never use again. Pathagorem and theorem. That bitch. You, if I overhear a motherfucking city. I'm gonna turn around here, who the fuck said pathagorem, and theorem. What? What's one of the most complicated fucking equations that we've ever.

You don't know what Pythagorean theorem is? It's one of the most complicated fucking math equations ever. You failed that fucking class because of Pythagorean theorem. It is one of the most complicated fucking algebraic trigonometry equations it is. I'm the last person Sona knows. No, I thought it was a squared plus b squared equals c squared. Is that you? Yeah, hey!

See, you know. No, no, no. Check me out. No, no, very good. I just don't act too happy about it. Oh, I'm sorry. I never know anything. No, no, that's a wonderful equation.

But is that... Thank you. Are you telling us right now that learning that equation was a major stumbling block for you? No, no, fuck no. It wasn't a stumbling block. How about saying you fuck all the time in class? What's that a major stumbling block?

Hey, we learned Pythagorean fucking theorem today? Was that a problem? Well, so I just threw that shit out in the conversation and I watched my fucking look and it gave me like, what the fuck was that? See, that's how my brain thinks. That's something I learned in fucking fifth grade and I had not forgotten that motherfucker. That's the first time I said that shit in fucking 37 years, but the shit didn't go away. See, that's how the fucking brain works.

When you meet cool people, the feeling don't go away. Somehow you have made it to this age in your life where you have not been blessed to meet people who have fucking touched you so fucking much that you can fuck around and enjoy that shit. So I was trying to find a fucking friend. I was sitting here throwing out Pythagorean theorem in his bitch. 40 years ago I learned this shit. You need some memories, some better memories.

Your memories, it's fucked up. Well, what if, okay, let's just say you and I were friends, you know, let's just say we could make a go of it. Explain how this would happen. No, no, don't act, see, we've known each other a long time. We've both done fine in the comedy world. We both cut a fine figure. Why couldn't you and I hang out together?

How would that work? Would that work in your life if we hung out a little bit? No, it doesn't fucking work. See, see, when you're a good friend, you need to be able to borrow another one of fucking pants. I can't wear your fucking pants. I'm goofy as long ass pants. Yo, your waistline's too fucking high.

Your fucking waistline is fucked up. I can't wear that shit. I can't borrow your shit. You see what I mean? I can't, there's nothing you can give me that's going to benefit me. Shoes, fucking big, my fucking pants, who got them long. So your friendship is all based on whether I can wear another man's pants. You've got to be able to hang out in someone's closet and talk shit to each other and just

hang out. Why, you're trying on pants? Fuck yeah. I've never heard of a friendship described that way. Hey, let's go over to my house and exchange pants, that's the thing I've never heard anybody say. You've got to be able to say, here, put this on, you can't say that shit, put this on, I can't say that shit to you, put this shit on, fucking pants between your fucking knees.

Those would look like britches on me, I can't do that. Definitely like britches. But in your search for friendship, you have to search for yourself and I don't think you will look for yourself yet. One day you should get the fuck up, right, and get dressed and go to the fuck outside of your house and look for you, just look for your ass. Well, wait a minute, I know where I am, you're saying I should go outside my house and find me.

Find your ass. Yeah. Go outside one day and know what, here's what you fucking do, call the police and report yourself missing. Call the police and say, Conan O'Brien is missing. A lot of people should do that shit. There's a lot of people out there who lost themselves. They need to call the fucking police department and report themselves missing.

Now, when they investigate, you will be arrested, but you tell them I've been trying to find myself for years and they don't understand, you say I've been lost for a long time, I've been lost and I need to do something, I need an intervention, someone had to step in here and help me find myself. And then you proceed to help the police find you. You think the police are going to go along with this? They've come all the way over to my house. There was probably a house fire that they skipped just to come and then I explained to them,

hi guys, I'm just having a bit of a crisis and I'm trying to find myself, you see. I'm the guy that was reported missing and I reported myself. You think that goes over well with these cops? Yeah, well, if these officers have a heart. A real heart and as you explain this to them, but you got to be compassionate. Don't fucking snicker, don't fucking laugh, don't smile. If you can force a tear out your motherfucking eye, like that Indian did, don't litter commercials back in the day.

I used to love that motherfucking. I'm gonna be crying every fucking time I sit at a commercial because I got it, I can fucking say I hate litter, I hate litter and it touched me. See, I can remember that commercial. It's like I remember the back room in theorem. You explain it the right way Conan, these are all building blocks for you. You need to explain it the right way to them with heart, with compassion. I said, look man, I know you guys got a lot to do, you got to say that first.

How about officers? Officers, I know you have a lot to do, you got to say look, I know you guys got a lot to do out there. I know it's worth outside. But I've been trying to find myself for a long time and then you say some crazy shit like, I don't find myself, shit gonna get bad. Oh my God. And then just leave it kind of vague as to what might happen to me.

That shit full around the air for a little while. Just like this, just like this. Do this for a year. So that's gonna get real bad. I took a friend. And then you lay in. He's in the basement. I tied him up.

And you say, you feel me? And you like this, yeah. You say, nah, like this. And you say, give me one minute. Let me shut this motherfucker up down in the basement. These cops are gonna light me up with their tasers. But this is just, I say this, but I really feel like for you to find the right people to pull into your life, you got to find yourself, you gotta find somebody who's down to do like

naked and afraid with you. You know? No. I've looked around and nobody wants to do naked and afraid with me. Nobody, no network wants to see that. There's not a person on earth who wants to see naked and afraid with Conan O'Brien. That is a. They need a naked and afraid resort or something like that around there.

That'd be cool. That'd be some cool shit right there. Naked and afraid resort. That'd be the naked and relaxed. So yeah. I don't. Do you think you could do naked and afraid? Hell yeah.

I could do it. What? Walk around that bed. Like it was nothing. Like it's nothing. You see what I mean? I'll walk around that resort chilling. My goddamn hat and my dick out.

No, no, no. I'm the fuck. Wait. So you're, yeah. You still have the hat on. You still have a very stylish hat on and then you're completely naked. Fuck yeah. And if I do feel uncomfortable, I'll just laugh like, haha.

You're all crazy as hell. And then just cover yourself up with the old hat. Yeah, that's like I do. I like it. Yeah, why not? Why not? You don't see, you have that why not attitude. I think I'm too fearful.

I mean, I am afraid. I'm a fearful person. I'm not naked. I'm never naked, but never been naked my entire life. But I think I am as someone who thinks too much. Yeah. I get in my own way. My thoughts do get cluttered.

I do have a bit of a toilet tank up there for a brain. You do. You are right about everything you've said so far in so many ways. You have to, you can understand what works for you and what does not work for you. Once you start to eliminate, now you're, now you start to eliminate things because you prefer a certain kind of person around you. So you're, you're, you're, you have a very small circle left of what fits in there. Yeah.

You see? You ever heard of something like this? They say, uh, you paint yourself into a corner. Yeah. Yeah. You paint yourself into a fucking corner. See? Okay.

Well, I don't quite see how that follows. How did I paint myself into a corner? No, you get a, you go to Home Depot. Sometimes they think you think of the saying first and then you just go on those trains. You put a fucking thing in there. You fucking do this and you fucking paint yourself into a fucking corner. You don't, I know what that is for phrases, but I swear to God, I mean, I'm quite confident sometimes you think of the phrase, say it with great confidence and then spend a while

justifying it. You know what your problem is? You didn't shake the bottle before you opened it. And that, uh, that meant the dressing wasn't all mixed up. That's your problem. That's a, that's a, I think it's a better one than the paint. What's that? That's even better than the paint.

It's all bullshit. You see the oil in the bottom of that motherfucker sitting there? If you don't shake this shit up, the oil can't fucking mix it in with the regular stuff. You're right. You absolutely, that's a great one. I think you're a very wise man. I give a fuck about you. You do?

I care about you, brother. And I just want you to, I don't have the time to be fucking around being your friend. I just don't. I got other things to do. It's a really sweet thing to say. You do care about him. It's a lovely, You would feel like,

I love how you took a breath. We all thought, he was like, I care about you. You took a breath. We all were like, this is powerful. I said, I don't have time to be your fucking friend. And that, wow, I didn't see that coming at all. It is truly, it's, you are feeding someone, right? Cause you're trying to please them, but you want them, you want them to stay close to you.

So you keep feeding them bullshit all the time. People feeding you bullshit constantly. If I don't tell you the real, you're going to be still eating bullshit over and over again. You're going to do different versions of bullshit. A bullshit oatmeal, a bullshit porridge or a different way to bullshit. You started to crack yourself up a little bit there for a second. Bullshit meatballs. You know what I mean?

You're going to be doing all kinds of stuff with that bullshit. See? Like a, like a bullshit. Bullshit has become your diet. That bullshit, you make pasta out of that motherfucker. That bullshit has become your diet. See, you've been there bullshit constantly because the people are too nice to tell you. They're too nice to tell you what the fuck they really feel.

Well, see, that's the problem is that I'm surrounded by these people right here. These are the two chefs that specialize in bullshit. I want you to meet Chef Matt and Chef Sona constantly just feeding me constant bullshit. No, I think we tell it like it is. We do tell you, we were very honest with you, I think. I think we tell you everything that we think about you, even if it's hurtful. Yeah, sometimes just because it's hurtful. Sometimes we just want to hurt you, exactly.

Yeah, we're very honest. Yeah, they are. I mean, I will say to their credit, I don't have a lot of people that are that nice to me in my life. Thank you. I'm actually being incredibly honest right now. My wife, my kids, the people I work with are very happy to point out my flaws. So I don't think I'm fed a steady diet of bullshit. I really don't.

I would love it if I just met one person that occasionally said something about me that was nice, even if it wasn't true. I would kill for that. Oh, that got sad. I'm sorry, that was sad. No, that's not sad. No, okay, never mind. If JV said something, it means that's the new truth. I believe it.

Wow, I was just over in a sawmill and my leg got cut off. Oh, that's sad. That's not sad. You know the advances in... You have that power. You can just say anything if people go, oh. You got to find... You got to land somewhere, you know what I mean?

You got to fucking land somewhere. You don't know where you're going with this, man. You just thought of a parade. You don't know where it's going. He doesn't know. He's going to get there. He doesn't know yet. You need to.

No, you do one day. Fly a kite. Fly a motherfucking kite one day. So not land somewhere. People don't... No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, you said land somewhere and then you switched when I started to... A kite is so relaxing.

And your arms are long and you look great holding that kite. Yeah, I do. The kite will elongate. You don't need no fucking string. You're long already. That kite is high enough. Wait, that's just... No, JP, that's called holding a kite.

That's not flying a kite. That's holding a kite. You hold it. This is holding a kite. Yeah. This is flying a kite. Okay, all right. You need to do something like that.

See? You need... Here's what you need. Okay, here we go. Here we go. He's rolling that dice again. Here's what the fuck you need. Here's what the fuck you need.

He's rolling that dice. You need... Some people, right, they are who they are. In order to pull people into their life, you need a conversation piece. Oh. Oh, that's what I need. See? You would think...

Now, you would think your hair was that. You know what I mean? That's what I always thought. But your shit was to stand up top. Like, oh! Yeah. My hair never made a noise like a dinosaur. No, that's not your hair.

That's how... When I see it... Yeah. When I see your fucking hair, it has a sound to it. It's... Oh! You need a conversation piece. Now, here's a good idea.

You get a lot of hair. It's fucking beautiful. You cut your hair in the shape of a fucking hat. Cut my hair into the shape of a hat. And then... So my hair is now a hat. What kind of hat? Fucking hat.

Cut your shit in the shape of a fucking hat. A cool-ass hat. What the fuck do you want to wear? A Sherlock Holmes hat? You know what the fucking matter? A Sherlock Holmes hat. That should be dope. With the little earflap?

With the fucking flap. Like, you can wear it anyway you want to wear it. Yeah. It should have the flap in the back and the flap in the front. Yeah. So my dad would be cool. This is an incredible idea. Mickey Mouse fucking hat.

That should be fucking fun. No, that's just... You need a conversation piece. Like, when you want to attract someone, that's who you... Like me, sometimes I'll go to a fancy party and I'll put a croissant on my... I thought you said croissant for a second. That ain't a bad idea. You are looking that way and I couldn't hear you and I'm like...

You know what? You know what? I could easily believe that you do that too. And it's not a bad idea. You walk into that motherfucker with a baked good on your coming up hat. You think motherfucker won't turn around and look at you? Who is this interesting motherfucker right here? You need a fucking...

You need something like that. You're right. A conversation piece. A conversation piece. You need someone to beat you to the punch so you don't got to do it. Because you're scared to approach people. You're scared to tap that motherfucker on the shoulder. You need them to tap you on your fucking shoulder and say...

What the fuck is that baked good doing on your lapel? You're right. You're right. You need that. You're right. I'm tired of being a toilet tank. I want to be a bidet. Yes.

That's right. That's, I think, what we learned today. You have to be willing to go the extra yard if you want to attract people into your life. Here's what I do sometimes. I'm going to tell you to do this shit because this shit's not easy. I arrive to a fancy ass party being thrown from a moving vehicle. Wait. You hire people to throw you out of a moving vehicle?

You're fucking right. And guess what happens? Everybody's like, who the fuck is he? They want to know what the fuck just happened. Yeah. Yeah. You dust yourself up to fuck all the same. Whoa, that's party time and you go to the party.

Everybody's wondering what the fuck does he do? I want to know that guy's story. You a fucking cuss you want to do it. Yeah, that guy just got thrown out of a moving car. Yeah. You do that and people are going to flock to you the whole time at the party, tapping your shoulder. What was that all about outside?

And then you say, I don't really want to get into it. You don't want to know. You say shit like that. You say some shit like that. I'm telling you, you will peak the interest of people. Because now you are a mystery man. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Your fucking face is bleeding and shit. You got fucking scraped. Your fucking knuckles are all scraped and fucked up. My shoulders broken. You all fucked up at that party. Nice suit. The whole knee is ripped open. My kite is broken.

Your kite is fucked up. You see, these are just little ideas. Nice, nice. You need a conversation piece. And I'm doing that. That's an extreme example. But you do need character. Character.

You do need... I lack character. You lack character. You lack that shit. I lack character. Oh, you lack character. Oh, fucking god. No other cool ideas?

You get a nice suit? Yeah. Paint that motherfucker with a roller. Let's paint that whole fucking suit. What? Paint that bitch. Paint it with a roller. Paint the whole motherfucking suit.

With a roller. But don't finish it. You're halfway. And then people say, What the fuck is going on here? So you think the secret would be if I just acted kind of mentally ill? No.

No. So far, that's what I'm picking up on. Eccentrically. Eccentrically. I think we're going a little past that now. No. I'm half painted. I got a croissant on my lapel.

I have a broken kite. I just got thrown out of a car. And I got a broken shoulder. And guess what? What? You just made about 15 new fucking friends. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. 15 fucking new friends. And my hair is a yarmulke. And your hair is a fucking yarmulke. You just, you have just expanded your circle immensely. Immensely your fucking circle. Oh, I'm going to have a lot of friends. Oh, yeah.

They'll all be treating me. Fuck them. They'll be gathering around. And they'll all be jealous. With clipboard. And they'll all be jealous. When can we get thrown out of a car? Yeah.

Fucking jealous asses. Yeah. They're trying to use you. They're using you now. Now, see, sometimes you make me paranoid, you know? Because you've got that tone to your voice, too. Like, you got to watch out. People are trying to use you.

They're using you, you know? You do that a lot, too. You make me paranoid. But, see, it's just me being a salesman. And sometimes when people don't know how to sell themselves, I sell them. I sell them to people. Right now, right now, I'm like a door-to-door salesman.

Right? You open the door, put my foot down so you can't close that bitch. Wow. Okay. Again. JB, that is not cool. That is not cool. What do you mean, not cool?

What do you mean, not cool? Yeah, not cool. You can't be driving friends and you can't be putting your foot in the door. When they open the door, they say, Hello, ma'am. And you put the foot down like that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. JB, you cannot do that.

You can't do that. You can't do that. That's what the fuck you do as a salesman. So you've got too much conditioner on your shoe. You put the foot down right over there. That's the fucking slide right over there. No, you put the foot down like that so they can't close the shit. Okay.

And then you explain to them what you're selling. It works. It fucking works. And you need information so you lean over a little bit and you're looking at the house and see what the fuck they got going on in there. Okay, again. You're using your foot to block the door and then you're eyeing their property behind them. A good salesman has to know what's going on in there.

You're not describing a salesman. No. The person you're describing is not a salesman. These qualities, these traits are not that of a salesman. No. You've got to stop them from closing that door. They know you're a salesman. You've got to see what they own and what they have.

No. They know you're a salesman because you do one foot. They'll be threatened if you did both feet like this motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. Right. Hello, ma'am. Yeah. You looking to fuck out my house?

Yeah. That's it. I think one foot stop down is good. No, no, no, no. You subtly just put that shit like this. Well, you didn't do subtle. I didn't do subtle. I didn't do subtle.

You did a horse putting it in the push down. I did do that right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a little more aggressive of a salesman. Yeah, yeah. But you know what I'm saying, right? Yeah. But metaphorically speaking, you have to put, when you meet somebody, you got to put your

fucking foot down. Yeah. Right? Another thing is this therapy. Me too. Well, that I've heard a lot. Yeah, a lot of people have said to me therapy. I hear that a lot.

A lot of stuff you've mentioned today, no one's ever said to me before. I'm going to say 99% of what you've said today. Nobody, nobody in all my time on this earth has ever said to me. And then here at the end, you say therapy and I'm like, oh yeah, that I've heard before. So you do have some conventional solutions. There are some conventional solutions to everything. Everything I said today, you have to take it. You have to take it.

You have to absorb it and you have to use it. But keep it, keep it in your thoughts, in your movement and don't outwardly do these things, but outwardly use these things. That's, that, that, is that correct? That's all right? Yeah. Outwardly. Right.

Don't do the things that you said. Don't do that shit. Don't do that shit. Right. It's the essence of it. I do want you to go home. You go home. I do want you to open the back of your toilet.

And look into that tank. And just look into that motherfucker for a little while. Okay. And the water's going to be moving a little bit. Then you're going to see yourself. You're going to see your reflection in that fucking water. Such a stream of bullshit. You're going to see, you're going to see the water just moving.

So I'm going to see my reflection in the toilet tank. Fuck yeah you will. You'll see your reflection in that water. It's like all those movies where you see someone like they'll be at a lake and they'll just be looking in the water and then there's just water in the water just be a little bit. Yeah. It's very tranquil. Yeah.

But you look into that or better yet, this is a better idea. You take a shit backwards. For God's sake. And you're on the toilet seat like this backwards looking into the back of that tank. My God. I'm sorry. No. And then when you feel like you have released all your troubles and flush that bitch.

That's the craziest form of therapy I've ever heard of in my life. And now you can decide if your glass or your toilet bowl is empty or half full. Okay. You're going to start to build water back up again and you watch that water come up. Okay. See? Yeah. Have you tried this?

Going to the bathroom in this manner where you're turned around sort of. Everything I tell you I fucking try. Do you hear me? Yeah. You've cowgirled the toilet. I wouldn't put you in danger like that. You have to look when you're sitting on, when you reverse cowboy that motherfucking toilet seat and you look into that bowl, you are emptying all the issues you have into that toilet.

But at the same time you are watching this water flush that fucking, that's flushing away. See? This keeps you from looking at your own shit to make sure it went down. You hit that bat, you just watch that clean water go out. Oh, that's you cleansing yourself. That's you cleansing yourself. When you see that water go down into that little hole, that little stopper comes up. A little pulley, a little chain, a little floaty, all that shit.

How much time have you spent looking into a toilet in your life, JB? How much time have you spent? You know a lot. Look, man, here's another thing. Oh, there's another thing. I'm not just trying to help you. There's people out there who need this shit too. No one needs to hear any of this. There's nobody that's being helped, especially by this last one.

There's nobody, nobody who's going to be helped by this reverse toilet concept. It's just, I've given you leeway on every idea. I think you've actually hit some good areas. I think this last one, no. I'm going to put my, I'm putting my foot down on this last idea. I think with your reverse toilet tank, you've lost me. You've completely lost me. I'm telling you, it works.

You have to, see, you're thinking too much about the toilet. It's a major player in this story. JB, it's a major player. You're thinking about the traditional use of a toilet. That is not a toilet no more. That is a body of water. It better be. It's a body, it's two bodies of water.

It better be a functioning toilet. But we have a major body of water here. One is eliminating all your wasting, all the bullshit you've been through your whole life. And one is going out there to make it happen. But it's also refilling with new energy, new life, new thoughts, new people in your life. When that water comes back in, that's new energy coming in your life. Okay, okay. Metaphorically speaking.

Yes, yes, yes. Don't do any of this stuff, right? Yeah. Or do you want people to do this last one? I told you earlier, you think about this. You don't physically do it. You got to be there. Your soul got to be there though.

Your soul got to be sitting on that toilet. Okay. And you got to see it. You got to see yourself sitting there when you're sitting still. If you're sitting down right now, you're sitting down. You're sitting down in a sitting down position. Yeah. You can easily do this right here.

Yeah, okay. Well, no, I'm not going to do that. And your mind will be on that toilet backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm just trying to help. I'm just trying to help you. You know, you are, you're one of my favorite people to talk to of all time, JB.

And I say that sincerely. I never know where it's going to go. I'm often terrified at different moments throughout the conversation with you, but I'm always delighted. I'm always delighted. I never know what's going to happen. I think you have one of the more fascinating comedy brains that I have encountered. You are a good friend, even if I am a little needy.

You are a good friend. And I love, I love talking to this gentleman. Oh. Thank you very much, JB. I appreciate you coming in. You really are. And you know what? Anytime you want to even give this friendship thing a trial run.

Well, no. After this, we can't. I'll come over your house. I'm not going to door. I'm fitting that month to the door. Looking around. Hey, that's a grandfather clock you got there. That looks nice.

That looks really good. JB, thank you so much for stopping by. Conan, you know anything for you, man? I am truly here for you, man. And we will, we will beat this. We will beat this, man. We're going to beat this. You're right.

We're going to find, we're going to find my, we're going to find me a friend. We are going to do it. I'm going to find you. Yeah. This is not a telephone. The phones have lit up. Yeah. JB Smoove, thank you very much.

JB is starring in Blockbuster. It's available to stream on Netflix tomorrow. So make sure you check that out. All right. You know, my favorite thing, the funniest part of my job on a day when JB Smoove is coming in is inevitably someone, today it was Aaron Blair sitting right over there texting to try and get a reservation at a fast food chain. Arby's, what do you mean?

I know, come on. But I love that you walked in, Blay, and you're like, here's some possible notes of what you could talk about with JB Smoove. And I always, there is no more ridiculous thing in the world than for someone to spend time writing down things I might talk to JB about because I never have any idea what we're going to talk about. I never have, you can't plan any of that. No.

You shouldn't plan any of that. I never know what's going to happen and it just happens. That was all off of just the beginning of the... It's off of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Yeah. And then once he checked the title, we're slowly building our crowd here. But no, that's him. And one of the things I love about him is he's got a great mind, but he's so confident

and authoritative that he'll say something that no one else can get away with. But he'll tell me, this is what you have to do. And you've got to get a donkey. And you've got to dunk it in melted caramel. And you've got to put Parmesan crisps on top of it and then make it a crown. You know, it's pretzels and he'll just say it and you'll kind of be thinking, I think I should do this. Yeah.

And it's the dumbest thing in the world. Somebody in this room is going to shit backwards today. Yeah. I was thinking about that. It's like how a cool teacher sits on the chair backwards. Yes. When the teacher wants to talk straight to the students and turns the chair around. Yeah.

Yeah. It's scared straight on a toilet. Yeah. What? Listen, I hate to be the killer of fun, but we have to pay some bills. Oh. Well, I don't think that's the killer of fun. I hate to be the birther of fun.

That's worse. You know, these are, you know, the economic situation out there in the world is rough and everyone's got to do their part to keep commerce moving. Don't you think, Sonna? Why don't I have a note card? Because you just screw it up. All right. Here we go.

It's true though. He's right. No, I don't want to. You do have one. You do have one. I don't know. I don't need it. You just moved without it.

Oh, wait. So you asked for one, but now you don't need it. I don't need it. I don't care. All right. Well, I'll read it twice. All right. Do you have two of them?

All right. You had one. It's, that's for you. Wait, what's on the back of that one? I don't know. Okay. While you guys are smooth. All right.

What is your working with you? You know, I don't know about you guys. But talking to JV, there's a moment or two where my, where my mind wandered just a little bit. I think when he was talking about some of the crazier stuff he wanted to do. What were you thinking about? I was thinking about EVs.

That's my term for. I was too. That's weird. Yeah. I was thinking about electric vehicles. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah.

Just because I keep thinking, you know, it used to be kind of weird. This person has an electric vehicle. Isn't that kind of strange? But now EVs are everywhere. And you know who's killing it with EVs? Who? One guess. Yeah.

One guess. Chevy. Yes. Chevy. That was very natural. Incredible. Yeah. Chevy's killing it with EVs.

Yeah. They've got one for everybody. You know, it's an impressive spectrum of vehicles they have. I've never heard you use that word before. They have an impressive spectrum of vehicles available now. You can buy now, reserve now and stay tuned because new vehicles are coming. There's something for everybody in this Chevy EV universe. That's cool.

You know what? I was thinking about this the other day, walking along in a big field of corn. It was a field of corn. A little out of season, this corn. Because usually corn would probably much come down in like August, you know? But this is, some people say the best corn comes in sort of November, December. Those people would be idiots. Anyway, I was thinking about all the different types of Chevy's they have.

Chevy EVs. You can buy the Bolt EV or the Bolt EUV. Wow. Don't ask me what that is, reserve the Blazer EV or the Silverado EV. Yeah, that's your favorite. I love the Silverado just because of the name. Yeah. Yeah, I just walked into a bar and you're a lady sitting at the bar and you saw me pull up in a truck.

Ask me what kind of truck I drive. Hey, what kind of truck do you drive? Silverado. And I leave. You leave. Yeah. Because you have anything against Silverado, but because you think that I have something wrong with mine. It's because you said it really weird.

Yeah. No, Silverado EV and learn more about the Equinox EV. I'll stay tuned for more info on Chevy's vision. For an electronic future. Electric. What's it? It's an electric future. Oh, and I said that you would screw up the car.

Yeah. I also think EUV is an electric utility vehicle. Yeah, it's an SUV that's electric. I just said EUV, yeah. Okay, because you were like, I don't even know what that is and we both knew what it was, so we just wanted to point that out. I thought it meant electricity under the vehicle. No. I mean, it may be that, but that's not it.

That's where the electricity is. That's usually where the battery is. And so I'm pretty sure that my definition is the correct one. No. That's wrong. Anyway, it's an electronic future. No. Electric.

Electric. Electric future? Yes. Do we get the check if I keep fucking around? We lost the check minutes ago. We have to pay Chevy. We owe them. No one has ever paid us for any of our ads.

To learn more about the Chevy EV lineup, head to chevrolet.com slash Conan. Yeah. We now have products paying us not to advertise. Yeah. Well, that's what's going to happen. My dream has been, sooner or later, we're just getting these car companies calling like, we'll give you $50,000 if Conan shuts the fuck up. Well, okay, good.

Let's talk to the people. What people? The people here today. Okay. What do you say? Let's bring in... Let's talk to most of them. Oh.

There's one guy we... Oh, no. I don't know. He might be one over. He's probably angrier than ever. Should we check in with him? Sir, how's this going? Does it seem like you're sold?

Sure. Oh. Spoken like a rabid fan. Yeah. No. I like people. I like a challenge. Yeah.

I like trying to win people over. I like to bring in your actual assistant. Okay. Oh, okay. Sorry. Hurtful. Sona, first of all, congratulations, Sona, on... Over a year ago, you gave birth to these beautiful twin boys.

Yeah. Mikey and Charlie. Thank you. Yeah. You don't have as much time as you used to to help me out. Well, you require a lot of attention. Yes. More than my children.

And I thought it would be me and then your twins. Right. No, that's wrong. But you have skewed priorities. And so somehow the twins bumped to the head of the line. Yeah. So we... But you took it well.

Oh, sure. I talked about it nonstop. I'm enraged. You have three babies, Sona. Yeah, you do. You have three babies. Yeah. And...

But you have an assistant, which cracks me up. Well... And now he does everything. I mean, not everything. 95%. David Hopping, get out here. Yay, David. Yay.

David, first of all, you have your own podcast. Do you not? I do. What's it called? It's called Back to the Best. Back to the Best. It's a very good podcast about 90s trivia, right? Yes.

90s 2000s. Okay. Very good. Well, I'd just like to always give you a plug when you come out. Thank you. Yeah. Now next week, you work for free. No.

There's always a catch, David. There's always a catch. David, how do you feel it's going since you've stepped into Sonya's shoes to take over for her? I feel like it's been going pretty well. Yeah. I mean, nothing like really bad has happened. He is much better than I am.

I messed up your lunch today. Oh, I saw that. I'm brilliant sometimes. I didn't even notice. Yeah, I just asked for a sandwich and you brought me one that didn't have bread. It had... It was literally just a lettuce wrap. It was giant leaves, giant green leaves.

I grew up in an Irish Catholic household where we take leaves out of food and put them in a shredder. But I don't think I made a big fuss about it or anything. You really didn't? Yeah. I really didn't. Yeah. I'm talking about it now on the podcast.

Yeah. And he's going to bring it up in three years, too. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, well, I'll never forget this. But no, thank you for helping me out. Of course. David, you do a fine job.

Thank you for having babies. So I got a... You're welcome. And you're welcome for all those years that I helped you and worked with you. I couldn't hear you. The mic cut out. Oh, okay. Right next to you.

I'm sitting next to you and I blame the microphone. Right next to you. Couldn't hear that. The old microphone went out. So many years of my life. Can't hear you. Anywho, best years of your life, some say. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I say. Yeah. Yeah. You're welcome. What? I gave you so many years. You said that these were the best years of your life.

Yeah. Oh, I guessed you right. What are your children going to say when they hear this? I know. I just realized that's right. What do you mean that was those were the best years of your life? No, she means you took the best years of her life. Oh, she's saying it.

I was saying best years. No, I took the best years of your life. I'll say it. She robbed me of the best years of my life. Okay. And we're all determined to destroy your life. Yes. Oh.

You're next. You're next, buddy, boy. Yeah. All right. So what's up, David? Are you going to take questions? I thought you were going to take charge, David. And say, like, we're going to take some questions.

Who has a question for any of them? Well, if you have a question, David will walk over to you and you can hand the mic to them. And here we go. This is fun and exciting. Oh, the lights just came on. Oh, look at that. There we go. Hi.

How's it going? Hi. My wife and I. What's your name, sir? Armando. And this is Brooke. Hi. Hi, Armando.

Hi, Brooke. Brooke and I just had our seven-year anniversary. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. It was very nice. She informed me that there is something called the seven-year itch, which I was not aware about. And our question was, what do you, the three of you, recommend to keep things spicy?

Well, I'll speak for myself and say, you've come to the wrong department store. You just came to the hardware store asking for milk. Where's the milk? Well, okay, I've been married 20 years. And I will be honest that I think the thing that keeps, I don't know if it keeps things spicy, but because I don't even quite understand that. I'm very uptight. Oh, my God.

There's absolutely no spice in our diet. No. Poor Liza. She finds me repellent. How do you keep things mild? How do I keep things cool to the touch? Well, I'm going to say, do you want me to go, I'll go last. You go first.

Poorly, how many years have you been married? I've been married four and a half years, so I haven't even hit the seven and a half, seven-year itch. Yeah. Things are still spicy. Yeah. Hey, we did it. Yeah.

You're bringing the heat to Pasadena. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We watch a lot of TV. What about you, Sona? I'm like girls. We haven't been together that long yet, so we're cool. We're fine right now.

But don't babies, you know, it interrupts the flow a little bit? Yeah, they do, but they're cool. All right. I honestly, I think the spicy part- I picked out some smoking joints around the house. I think the spicy part of that question is with throwing everyone off, because we're very like, spicy, like, you know. Yeah, as I said, I think this is maybe not this for a different podcast. You came to the uptight hour.

I mean, all I can say is maybe just try some actual spices. Cinnamon, something like that. Cardamom. Cardamom one. Cinnamon was the spice you decided to go with. Yeah, it's delicious. Human. Pepper.

Let's just list spices. We should have it, we'd get a spice rack out here and just read them as we slowly turn it. Nutmeg. I've been married. I guess I'm maybe the most qualified to answer this. I've been married. I've known my wife for 22 years. And we've been married for 20.

And I was very, to be sincere for a second, luckiest day of my life when I ran into her. She is an absolutely fantastic person. We have wonderful kids. So that's all good. I'm not kidding when I say, I still can make her laugh and she still can make me laugh. I swear to God, people say that that's important, I think that's crucial. Because even now, I mean I said something like the other day that cracked her up legitimately. And I had the feeling of, well, I'm good for another few more years.

And I really did feel that way. I felt like, you know, because she legally could walk away and take it all. And she may. But that's how I feel. Is that that's huge. And remember when I was really young thinking, what do you mean, sense of humor? And when I would hear, you know, I would see a beautiful woman being interviewed on TV and she'd say, I look for a sense of humor.

And I'd say, no you don't. And I'd have tears running down my cheeks. Because that was not my experience. But anyway, I do think that that's huge. I really think it's huge. And I know both of your spouses and they have great senses of humor. I think that that's huge. That's a big piece of the puzzle, in my opinion.

Anyone else have a question? I'm Jennifer. I don't know if the contest is still going, but I came from Irvine. Oh, you came further than it happened. How long were you in the car? An hour and 30 minutes. That's me going to get yogurt in Los Angeles. So you don't get a lot of sympathy in this town.

An hour and 30 minutes can be anything. He's getting some chicklets. Sorry, just wanted to give them a plug. Why does Chevy get all the time? All right. They pay, chicklets doesn't. What can we do for you? I was wondering, since there's lots of other genres of podcasts,

if you were to, the three of you together were to do another genre of podcasts, what would it be and what would it be called? Well, I have a very strong opinion about this. And I think, I know Sona's going to agree. But Sona and I have known each other 14 years, I think. And one of the, like the first day Sona worked for me, we started talking about our favorite murders. We drove to one of the murder, famous murder houses in LA.

And I was worried that you were going to call the next day and say, I don't want to work for this guy. He took me to a murder house. But you knew more than I did and you knew exactly where to go. You were like, no, no, no, take a left here, now take a right, take a left. And then you had a gun for reasons that, no kidding. And you made it really creepy. You wore a hat.

You made me turn off the headlights and we'd creeped up there because you didn't want to be seen looking at this house. Okay. That's not something people need to hear. Okay. Had the murder happened or were you casing it to do the murder? It turned out the murder happened later on and it's still unsolved. I see.

They're looking for two people. A tall Irishman and an Armenian lady. No, but I think you and I could talk true crime forever. Yeah. And I love true crime. It is, I'm naturally obsessed with it. I love trying to figure out what happened. And so that would be, I think, that would be the genre that I might pick.

I don't know about you. That's exactly what I thought when that question was first asked, was murder and, you know, but we'd have to have an angle. What if our angle is each week you and I try to murder gorelly? Maybe we succeed. Maybe we don't. But whatever happens, we then talk about it afterwards. I'm just surprised to hear you guys don't want to do a Star Wars podcast.

Is that really the one you would want to do? No, no. I'd be happy to do a murder one. You've done one probably, right? It's not important. Let's do a murder podcast. Question next. Do you have?

Murder sounds fun. I like murder too. I think a show where we go to murder houses. And stay the night. And spend the night with the people. Just against their will. In their beds. Yeah.

Yes. And like, like JB's move said, we make them our friends. Yes. Foot in the door. Foot in the door. I have a gun. Case out. Yeah.

No, I think it would be some kind of, it would be some kind of show like that. Murder me much. It sounds sort of like a dating show and we could put like a funny font on it. Put some hearts, murder me much. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't, none of these titles really mean anything. No.

I'm not really needy. All right. Next question. Hi, my name is Elizabeth. Hi. I've been a huge fan for years for years and I actually got a tattoo of you. And I was wondering if you could sign it so I could get that tattoo. Oh my God.

Can I see it? Is that? I want to. It's like a skull. A skull. It's a what? A skull? Can you come, you can come closer.

It's okay. Not too close. You want to go to murder houses with us? I like you got a tattoo of me and your petrified. Oh my God. That's my skull. That's my skull. And is there a, and is there a cobweb coming out of my busted eye?

We found our podcast art. Oh my God. Look at this. Wow. That's incredible. They did a really beautiful job. We have to. Yeah.

It's my, let me explain. It's my skull. And there's a cobweb. My skull is smashed. My hair is still intact because often hair stays attached to the skull. It's something you'll, well whatever. I'll tell you why I know that later. And then are these bottles of liquor?

Yep. So I drank myself to death? I just like drinking. Oh you like drinking? Yeah. Yeah. It does look like you drank yourself to death. Looks like I drank myself to death.

No, I don't want to change the story. I don't. I'm still processing that I'm dead and my face is smashed in. Okay. You'd like me to sign this? Are you sure? I don't. You're a very attractive person.

I don't want you. Can you really think twice before you get this put on your body? This might devalue things. I know. This will. But devalue her? Okay. There you go.

Thank you so much. All right. Okay. Don't. It's going to smudge. I'm going to go to that two shop right after this. That's cool. You said, are you been drinking now?

Just one. Just one? Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know what to say. I'm. I feel like I'm responsible for you now. No.

Should I come live nearby? No. Okay. Where do you live? I'll stop it. In Whittier. I was born and raised in Whittier. All right.

I don't know how to end this conversation. I'm being very honest. I'm very stunned. It was really nice to meet you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm honored. Thank you.

That's the question, Mike. David, you didn't do such a good job holding on to the question. Who has a question? Hi. Thank you. I'm also Jennifer. Oh. Okay.

No fighting. This might be weird, but what is the right way to laugh? Do you think this is going to be weird? Yes. Actually, yes. I don't know how to follow that. This could be weird. But what is the right way to laugh at your podcast?

Because every time I'm listening to your podcast while I work at home, my boyfriend runs into the room every time and says, I know you're listening to Conan. You laugh different when you're listening to Conan. Oh. Well, I think when someone laughs with pure joy, it has a different resonance, you know? And that may be the explanation. But is that your boyfriend? Okay.

Maybe he should elaborate. Yeah. Maybe he should elaborate. I'm sorry. Can you explain it? What the laugh is like? Yeah. Yeah.

I definitely like to explain my side because, you know, having a fence of laughing in a podcast, not great. But this isn't the only comedy podcast she listened to. Sorry, guys. That's okay. All right. There's a lot of them out there. It's just the way, like she laughs at the other ones, but like it's such a bright, happy,

joyous laugh that, like, oh, you know, we, we, we bond over comedy and such. And I thought that it was a laugh that, you know, was something that we shared. I think what he's trying to say is that he's jealous. Yeah. That's a huge compliment. That's, I don't know. I mean, we're too close to it to really say, I do think that we have no shame. And we're very silly people.

And so maybe, I don't know, maybe that brings something out of people. I don't know. Could you give us an example of the difference between the two laughs? Oh, wow. Say a joke, honey. Oh my God. This is. Oh my God.

No, that made it. That made it weird. Okay. Okay. I want the record to show I only have eyes for my boyfriend Travis. Okay. And Conan O'Brien. Oh.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We're friends now. But yeah, that was a laugh actually.

I'm sorry. You guys heard that? My guess is you're listening to these other comedy podcasts and I know they're out there. You know, they're all struggling and. Some are there are really big. No, no. And good. Ours is, you know, huge.

And then the other struggle. But my point is. Some are bigger than ours. No, actually. Better. That's not true. But anyway. Sorry.

I'm just, you know, I'm just telling it like it is anyway. You listen to those ones and you're like, oh, and then you're like, oh, will our net. Oh, the only podcast he knows. Oh, yeah. But then, you know, you're listening and then Conan goes on one of his famous runs. Oh, my God. Oh, how, how? Oh, that would probably be the difference.

I don't think that's at all. I think that's what happens. Yeah. Yeah. He's losing it. The guy in the front is dying. People scream, end up late. It starts as a laugh and it ends with screaming.

How, how? What do you mean? How? Like how is this man's mind do it so consistently? How, how? I don't know. How did God choose the time that I'm alive for this gift to be on the same planet? How, how?

How did I get this lucky that this technology exists for this once in a thousand year talent? I'm just guessing. I'm just guessing that that's when you're, and that's where the how, how comes. I don't know. Anyway, we've been in a room with 30 people and none of them have laughed that way at all for like the last hour. I point out that we, and this is thanks to Eduardo, who's our wonderful engineer. Eduardo has been editing out all the how, hows throughout the entire, yeah.

No, because we're live right now and I haven't heard from him. No, no, no. He has a technology that only Eduardo knows. No. And he has a way of capturing them before they even reach the mics. But people have been shrieking how, how. See, I heard that one. How?

Yeah, I'm hearing that. You take the house I've made, give them different resonance and salt them throughout the, you know, I do want to thank you all for being here. You're really good sports to come in and yeah, David, don't run into people. And no one saw anyway. At least it wasn't in front of the. You were trying to be sincere. I was trying to be sincere and David, you know, I plugged his podcast and everything slams

right into photography. But anyway, again, no one saw and this probably will get it edited out. Don't edit it out. But thank you. You guys are really sweet to come in and, and, and be here. And this is a lot of fun. We're going to do this from time to time. We usually, as you know, do this in complete silence.

And believe me, that's fun too. But getting a chance to meet some of the people who listen to the podcast and like our nonsense is really meaningful. So thank you. We appreciate it being here. Dance, come on. with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson

and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Bekton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine

podcasts are downloaded. This brand new bonus episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend was brought to you by Chevrolet. Chevrolet is near and dear to my heart. You know why? Why? When I was born, way back in the day, my dad took me home from the hospital in our family car. You know what it was? What was it? It was a 1963 Chevy Impala. That's a very cool car. It was a cool car. I mean, I didn't think so at the time. Right. Because I was a baby. I just thought, what's this weird machine who are these people? You were even thinking that? That's pretty advanced for a baby. Well, when I say baby, I mean, I was 12. No, I was a baby. They took me home

in that car. That's cool. And then I remember it was the first. Did they have a car seat? You know, it's a different time. I think people weren't as safe. I think they held me out the window. Anyway, Chevy is an innovator. They were already the best in the business before they got into electric vehicles. Now they've become the tops in a new market. Yeah. Yeah. Chevrolet is dedicated to making EVs affordable and obtainable to everyone, not just for elites. That's important. Electric vehicles, it cannot just be for some silicon valley weirdos. It's got to be for everybody if this is going to work. I think some people are intimidated because they think they're really expensive, but I know Chevy's EVs

have always been affordable. Yeah. And they're getting more affordable all the time. So, hey, this is exciting news. They got so many different kinds. Learn more about the all-electric Chevy EV lineup. Head to chevrolet.com slash Conan. That's chevrolet.com slash Conan. Chevrolet. Yeah.