Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - JB Smoove Returns

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

JB Smoove feels optimistic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend, and Miles Grose feels awkward about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. JB and Miles join Conan to talk about their new podcast May I Elaborate? Daily Wisdom from JB Smoove, using “profounity,” and aphorisms to help Conan appreciate his unique packaging. Plus, Conan and his crew check out fan-made art and a theme song for his conceptual Whirligig film. Listen to May I Elaborate here.

Hi, my name is JB Smooth, and my name is Miles Groves. And I feel optimistic about being Conan O'Brien's friend, and I feel awkward about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, having a continue to have just a lovely time on this show, joined as always by my trusty assistant Sonam of Session, producer extraordinaire Matt Gorley, and I don't know about you guys, but I'm finding that as the podcast rolls along and there's, I get the sense that a lot of people are listening to it.

I mean, I know that for a fact, but more and more people come up to me and they say things, and I'm finding that I'm often in a state of confusion because I don't know what they're talking about, because I just go into a fugue state when we're doing this show. I don't have any plan, I don't have any, we just talk about whatever. And so what happens is people will come up to me the other day, someone came up to me and said, I was laughing so hard at Invisible Man, and I said, what? And they're like, come on, Invisible Man, oh man, that bit. And I said, what bit?

It's Invisible Man, and I made the person stop on the street and explain it to me. And then it came back to me, which is the time Sonam and I were sitting at an outdoor cafe and we were near Cedar Sinai, and I saw two EMTs sort of walking kind of purposely with an empty, sort of looked like they were pushing, it was an empty gurney stretcher that they were carrying and they were sort of walking with great purpose and intensity, but it was empty. And I said, oh Sonam, look, the Invisible Man had a heart attack. You're still so proud of yourself.

I could tell. I am. I think it's really funny. And now someone's going to come up to you and go, I love the time you reminisced about the Invisible Man. Yes, I know, and I won't know what they're talking about. But I'm not, look, I know what looks like I'm flexing, yes, I'm up on the lingo, I've got teenage kids.

I was not flexing there, and yes, was it a very funny joke that I did with Sona? Was it an insight into such a creative mind that's working all the time? Probably yes. But that's not the reason I bring it up. I bring it up because I don't, I didn't know what they were talking about, and we're doing so many podcasts that I realized that I've had, a bunch of times I have people stop me and they say, ha, ha, cinnamon captain's hat. And I'll go, what?

And they'll say, come on, cinnamon captain's hat. And I'll say, I'm sorry, I don't, and they're a little annoyed. They're like, come on. Matt said, you know, you went, what are you, a captain? And then Sona said, blah, blah, blah, and then you said cinnamon captain's hat. And I'm, I don't know what's happening. So I mean, this, I have the feeling of someone who's had a major cerebral event and I've lost a chunk of my life.

And I'm constantly, people around me are saying, but no, your name is Joe Miller, don't you understand? And I don't know what they're talking about. And I don't know where I live, but it's just because I'm constantly babbling foolishness. Yeah. Why don't you just pretend that you know? Just say, oh yeah, cinnamon captain's hat. Yeah, just do it.

Oh yeah, you know it. If you say like, oh yeah, you know it, then like, what are they going to say to that? Oh, I'll say it just like that. Oh yeah, you know it. What? Oh yeah, you know it. No. And also, what if there's someone that's having a major cerebral event.

They're having a major like brain bleed and they are just starting to stagger down the street and they see me and they grab me by the shirt and they go cinnamon captain hat. And what I'm supposed to do is grab a nearby empty stretcher, see what I'm doing? And get them to Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. But instead, I just go, oh yeah, you know it. And push them aside and get on the empty stretcher myself and go whoo, and go riding down the street on it. Making noises like curly on the three students whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop

whoop whoop whoop. Why? And TMZ has the whole thing. Guy has stroke, asks Conan for help, but can only manage to say cinnamon captain hat. Conan pushes him aside, grabs an empty stretcher on wheels outside Cedar Sinai and then like curly on the students, three students goes whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop and rockets down the street. And it's all on foot.

I'm done. I'm done in this town. The bigger concern is how you've extrapolated out this scene from happening from beginning to end. What, what started at A and came at Z? That's where I'm concerned. Yeah. Well, I'm concerned that you said extrapolated.

I am too. And not extrapolated. I am too. But man. I knew it. Yeah. Every time. Every time.

And you retake them. I'm sorry. When you put up words, you retake them. If you're going to come after me. Oh, oh, oh, oh. If you're going to come after me, make sure that you have your house in order. Don't draw on the fastest gun in the West with a crappy three shooter that hasn't been oiled in six years.

No. When you whip it out of the holster, the handle comes off and bubble gum comes out the barrel. For the record, the fastest shooter in the West does retakes when he floats lines. Never done a retake. You know what? Never done a retake Conan. Actually it should be never done a retake O'Brien. They never put the first name afterwards.

I'm Conan. Never done a retake O'Brien. I don't do retakes. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do one if you begged me and you have no evidence. No evidence. I have all recorded audio. Of course you do.

I was just. Why would. Why would I taunt the guy who edits the show with who has thousands of hours of me flubbing and flabbing? I could put you in so many jails. Yeah. Oh, you really could. I mean, I can just, just extrapolating from what you just said, you really have me over

a barrel. Listen, you drew on Johnny Ringo and they're carrying your corpse to boot hill. This feels like the old days. Remember that? Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean the old days? The point old days where he used to really hammer me.

Yeah. Yeah. Have I been too soft on you lately? No, no, no, no. And Matt, what are you doing? I want to catch that old days. No. You know what?

I want to go down, go after Matt Gorley, recapture old magic. You can't see. You know? Yeah. Son is writing in the sky. With a look on her face like, what a jazz. That's too extrapolating. Okay.

I wrote it down, boss. Let's move on. Welcome. We have to talk about something very important today. We've been doing this podcast for two and a half years. We've done many, many, many terrific interviews. And I don't believe we've repeated anybody. We always like to have brand new people on.

Just Michelle Obama. Well, okay. That's right. Michelle Obama. But that's Michelle Obama. That does not count as a repeat. Michelle Obama could be on 50 times and I would never say, here's Michelle Obama again. Each time I'd be like, oh my God, it's Michelle Obama.

You know what I mean? When she came by every day to my house just to say hello and check the thermostat, I would get that excited. Check the thermostat. Well, I know she's just a rumor I've heard that she's very fussy about what temperature people keep their noses. Little inside dirt on Michelle Obama. Wonderful.

One of the greatest first ladies of all time, but obsessed with what people's thermostat is set at and always fidgeting with it, which I think is a terrible violation. Anyway, Michelle Obama aside, this is, I think, the only other person who's come back as a repeat and this was not even planned. This is the power of this person. Okay. What we were supposed to do is have this gentleman and I'll reveal his name now and it's probably already known to you because they're announced along with the podcast.

JB Smoove, JB Smoove was just supposed to be a tiny segment on this show and he was going to be sort of announcing and talking about his podcast called May I Elaborate Daily Wisdom from JB Smoove and we're very proud of the fact that it's a podcast on the Team Cocoa Network and this is just JB's 10 to 15 minute podcast that comes out every day and it's an affirmation for your most enlightened self and he's got a very funny sidekick, Miles Groze and we were just going to have JB on today to kind of announce that his podcast is dropping today and then what happened is JB being JB took over and there was no stopping him and the next thing we knew, we had the whole show and so we didn't have time for

our planned guest, President Barack Obama and man as he pissed. He was all set to go and he was waiting. We made him wait like 40 minutes on a Zoom, you know, to do it and several times you could see him looking exasperated and they're like, Conan will get to you soon and then I didn't have the guts to do it. So I told Sona, you've got to tell former President Barack Obama that we had to bump him for JB Smoove and Sona, you handled it like a champ. I hated it.

It was awful telling him. It was weird seeing Michelle Obama in the background messing with the thermostat. Yes, did you notice that? She's behind him in the background tweaking the thermostat over and over again. It's the only negative thing I've ever said about former First Lady Michelle Obama but obsessed, obsessed with adjusting thermostats constantly. It's obsessive compulsive disorder. She needs to look into that.

Anyway, JB Smoove here to talk about his podcast, May I Elaborate Daily Wisdom? I'm very excited. So let's get right to that interview with JB. All right, I am very excited and that never happens. I never get this excited, but I really am truly delighted and excited because I'm announcing a brand new podcast here on the Team Coco Network called May I Elaborate Daily Wisdom from JB Smoove. Now I don't know much.

I will tell you this, JB Smoove for my money, one of the funniest people on this spinning blue globe we call Earth. He is delightfully eccentric and hilarious. I never know what he's going to say. And so the concept of him having a daily show offering inspiration affirmations and hallucinations, I'm going to say that again. The idea of him having a daily show offering inspiration affirmations and hallucinations. I just, what more could you ask for?

But I want to understand this completely. So I'm asking JB Smoove and his good friend, Miles, if they could maybe tell me a little bit more about this podcast, May I Elaborate? Gentlemen, JB, Miles, how are you? What's going on, Conan? Hi. Right now I'm trying to absorb your fucking energy. I got to find out if you, Conan, are going to let me in.

You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to knock several times doing this interview, I'm going to knock, and all you got to do is answer the door, answer the fucking door. You know what I mean? Okay, listen. And I'm going to tell you right now, Conan, don't let it be one of those half doors. You ever see those old TV shows, they got the fucking half door, the top part opens, and the bottom part be still there?

Yes. That's a Dutch door. Yeah. That fucking door. Okay. And also, I'm guessing you don't want me to open the door crack and have there be a chain on it, and I'm peeking at you through that, right? You don't want that.

That shit of noise, the shit out of me. I'll tell you one thing about that, that Dutch door, one time someone opened the top part and I didn't know the bottom part was still closed and I flipped over that motherfucker. You know what I mean? Okay, now listen, first of all, JB, you are swearing a lot more than most self-help gurus. I'm going to tell you that right now. I have worked with the greatest gurus of all time, the greatest mystics and minds, and they're not throwing around, you talk to Eckhart Tolle, he's not throwing around a motherfucker,

and this is going to be a great fucking affirmation, and I'm going to fucking help you. There's none of that. In order to reach certain people, you have to be profound, right? And pro is also a part of profanity. So the two pros, profound, profound and profanity, see that? You have to combine the two, and my negative was I call it profanity. Profanity, I see you're using, this isn't profanity, this is profanity. Profanity, see, it's the ability to do it, everybody can't do it, everybody can't do

it. Throughout our conversation, you are going to knock a few times, and you know what? I am going to let you in, JB, because I've known you a long time, as I said, you are hilarious, but you're also very wise, you're a very wise man. You know who I am? I'm that owl, the one that licks that Charm's blow pop, I'm that dude, I'm that owl, I'm that owl. How many licks?

Okay, that's a very old reference, Matt, do you know this reference? Yeah, the licks to the center of the Tootsie Pop. How many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, and there was a cartoon owl that was licking that. I'm not going to let you segregate the elderly part of this audience that we have, who love those Charm's blow pops. You're saying young people understand this too? Of course they do, everybody loves candy, everybody loves blow pops, they love them.

Okay, Sona, is this true, do you know the commercial that JB is talking about, you're a younger person? I do, I do actually. Okay, then I was, you know what, I was wrong, I was wrong to segregate, that's a terrible thing I did. Yeah. We're going that right path, and that's just what you are doing right now, you're rushing through this.

See, the same way that owl, he said a one, a two, a three, and he bit it, crunch, and he bit it. Right now, right now, Conan, you ain't nothing but a damn owl on a fucking branch. That's what you are right now, you're not patient, you're rushing, you just bit that blow pop instead of really asking how many licks it really takes to get to the center of a Charm's blow pop. But you don't have to, you don't have the patience. JB, you're right, you are not the first person to look at me and say, you're just the owl

from the animated blow pop commercial, you're not the first person to call me that. I hear that all the time, because I rush, even now, look at me, look at my energy is all wrong, I've got to calm down. Got to slow down, slow down, and this is what I'm talking about, let me in, when I knock or ring your bell, or climb through your window, you understand? You let me in, you understand? Don't come in through the window. Sometimes, hey, I'm saying, some people got to come through the window, because some

people don't listen, they don't hear the bell, if you don't hear the bell, and you don't hear me knocking, I got to do what I got to do, I got to reach you, and only way to reach you sometimes is I got to come down to Chimney, or I got to climb through the window, or your fire escape, if you live in New York City, in a walk up, I don't know where you live at. I just wait outside in the car, and I see if someone has called the police. I see, so Miles, you're partnered with JB on this project, and I understand you're a very creative man yourself, and your job is to, as he enters the psychic window or Chimney,

you wait in the, I'm guessing late 70s Camaro, outside on the street? Yeah, yeah. Waiting in the fumes, the leaky catalytic converter, just waiting for him to come. Okay, okay, so. I was doing what I do in the show, I'm quiet, and then at a certain point I look at my watch and I go, that's all we have time for, is basically my job. Yes, but you know what, you make over $600,000 a year, just saying that. Well, I went to school for it, so.

Yeah, exactly. So we'll take a break, we'll be right back, school. Very few people get to graduate from that school, it's a very, very cool to go to. So gentlemen, I admire what you're doing, because you, Miles, for putting up with JB, and JB, you for offering this unique power that you have to mesmerize people, slow them down, and you're doing it to me right now, I'm speaking more slowly, and I'm ready to accept what I'm going to give you. Let me, look, as a matter of fact, just don't even worry about the door, leave the window

wide open, just leave it open, leave the window open, okay, leave it open. It's cold out. I know, I know it's chilly, I know it's chilly, see, see, see, see, now you're thinking about the cold, and not thinking about accepting what I'm giving you. Okay, okay, so don't worry about, metaphorically, leave the window open. Hey, look, just leave the window open, okay, and if you were really doing me a favor, just like those old TV shows, you would have a nice pie sitting on that window sill to cool off, do you understand?

He want a cooling pie on the window. That's what they do, that's what they do back in the days, a bigger pie, a plum pie, peach pie, and they put it on the window sill. You don't have to specify which kind of pie. Cool off, no, because I see, I'm saying it because I got to activate your senses every sense you have. One, your sight, your sense of smell, in cartoons, when they put a pie on that window sill, that smell of the pie floats through the room.

Yes. Have you seen that in cartoons? Yes, yes. It travels through the rooms, and it goes under your nostrils, and you levitate, and you float your ass to the pie, you know? I think Elmer Fudd do that one time. Okay, that's what I'm doing right now, float it to the pie. Here's what you've done, I've left the window of my psyche open.

There you go. J.B. Smooth, and as he requested, I left the window open, regardless of the temperature outside, and I left a cooling peach pie, peach, and it's got a little rhubarb in there, too. Oh, I love rhubarb, not a lot, just a little bit. Just a little bit, not too much. I wouldn't say 80% peach. The details, the details, see, that's what the details, keep going, keep going.

A little bit of cinnamon in there, too, a little bit of cinnamon there with the sugar, and it's cooling, it's hot, it's just out of the oven, it's hot, and what's happened is you are floating that scent. No, no, no, no, you're floating, I'm not floating, I'm, you're floating. Are you the pie? You got to, no, you got to let it, you know. Who's the pie? Am I the pie?

I haven't seen the pie yet. I haven't seen it yet. Oh, oh, I see, I see, I see, the pie is just there getting me close, you've got to help me out. This man is so wise that I don't know who he's understand. The pie is the knowledge that's going to be dropped, and he don't get it, he don't get it, mouth, he don't get it. Okay, cool.

I want to get it. I want to get it. I'm tired of being so uptight and so trapped in my own mind and my own, I don't know, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. So, okay, I put out the pie, the pie is the knowledge, I'm ready to accept the knowledge. The scent of the pie has gone underneath my nostril, and now I'm floating like a cartoon animal floats along a scent towards the pie, and I'm undulating through the air, I smell that, that delicious peach, that cinnamon, that rhubarb.

Now your senses are wide open right now. Yes. They're wide open right now. Now you're willing to accept what Miles and I, what we truly do to channel and to break through all your barriers, your barriers up right now, and something Miles and I to start chipping away at that bullshit, see, if I may be blunt. It's also my job to tell people, legally, do not leave your windows open. I just follow behind and clarify what's metaphoric.

Yes, that it's a metaphoric window. We do not, Miles is here to tell you, and this is very smart, Miles, and very smart of you, JB, to have Miles here, JB cannot be concerned with small concerns like public safety and, you know, crime and theft. He can't worry about that. He's living on a higher astral plane. Miles is here to say, it's a psychic window, and the pie is knowledge. Please don't leave your real window open with a real cooling pie, because that's how most

murders. Don't put your pies outside anyway, it's just going to attract wildlife, and it's just not a good decision at all, but. Okay, so here's what we do, you know, what we do as Miles and I, what we do on this amazing podcast show we have, May I Elaborate? Sometimes we don't use a book full of things, full of a calendar, we use a calendar most of the time. I would say 99.5% of the time, we use, we pull knowledge from amazing books, calendars,

and in these calendars, it's a, you know, a full year of affirmations, you know what I'm saying? Yes, I see. But sometimes that 1.5% we conjure it up, we conjure it up. So the podcast is every day, just like those calendars, you see it, yeah, daily that you see it, the checkout line, those calendars that every day of the year, they have a different aphorism, a different saying, a different piece of wisdom. You take one of those, and you use that as the jumping off point, and then you give it

the J.B. Smooth treatment. Is that right? Sometimes these philosophers, they try to trick you, they play mind games with you sometimes, they play on words, and people out there in the world, sometimes they don't understand what the hell this quote actually means, the true definition of it. And it takes Miles and myself to dive in and swim around, and we swim around, right, and we get wet, we get all wet, you know, and then we climb out, and we towel ourselves off.

And that is how people, we must make, submerge them in the true definition of it, you understand? We all get wet. The people who listen to the show get wet, Miles and I get soaking wet, you know what I 'm saying? I stay in the boat. Yeah, sometimes Miles stays in the boat. He'll dangle a foot in there, I guess, a little bit. Sometimes he'll roll his pants legs up, like Huck Finn.

He'll roll his pants legs up to his knee, and let his feet just dangle in the water a little bit. But I go in. I go in that water. You know what I'm saying? I go in that water. And, you know, this would help a person like me, because I'm going to guess, Matt and Sona, that you would probably say I'm very well defended, I'm very, I've got a lot of

walls up. You have barriers. You have barriers. Yeah. Barriers. I probably lash out rather than receive. Oh yeah. Definitely.

Help us. Help us. Oh man. Wound up very tightly. Tightly. Oh. Tightly wound up. A very uptight.

See, see, and that's perfect, Miles, that's a perfect pet for it. He picked a quote, especially for you, that he thought could help you. And then I think you walked right into it, sadly. Walked right into it blind. Sadly. Sadly. Well, if it's going to change my life for the better, then it's a good thing, Miles. It's not necessarily me, you know, getting off of a 1950s airplane and taking a left instead

of a right and walking into a propeller, and my bloody fedora and baggage goes flying in the air. Oh man. It's not that. Fedora. Yeah, I was wearing a gray fedora because it was the 50s and I was getting off a business flight. Okay.

I want to hear, I want to hear this aphorism that could help me. And then I want, JB, I want you to work your magic with the help of Miles. Oh yeah, let's do this, Miles. Let's give it to him, Miles. Okay. Do you want me to read it again? Sure. You, you read it, Miles.

You read it. Give it to me. Give it to me, Miles. Okay. Well, today's quote comes from a calendar that's all about self-love. The quotes are attributed to Tanya, Carol, Richardson, wherever she is. My January 6th, he chose January 6th. I don't know if that's an important date for you, but that's what JB thought.

It is not in the least an important date for me. That's what JB thought. My packaging is amazingly unique. I don't look exactly like anyone else and I'm learning to love that. My packaging is amazingly unique. I don't look exactly like anyone else and I'm learning to love that. So JB, why, why did you pick that? Oh, I picked that one because this, you know, I feel like even, you know, I, I have clarity

now having Conan come on the show, I have true clarity, his temperament. See, people don't understand about temperament. People out there temperament is what you are giving off. You have a level of temperament that you are able to accept and give off. And this man, this man, Conan O'Brien was giving off and, and fighting what we were giving him, fighting it, you understand? He was. He was fighting it.

He was fighting it. His temperament was wrong, wrong as temperament. You can't be walking around all day with temperament like that. Your levels, your temperament levels are way off, way off. You understand? It's way off. You know? Yeah.

So, so his, his, his, his highway, we're going to reel this in. I'm gonna break down you, I'm gonna break down who you are. I'm gonna break down this, this amazing quote, this affirmation. My packaging, I'm going to repeat after me Conan as I go through this damn quote. Okay, you're getting very hostile. Sometimes I got it see see miles miles will tell you sometimes. I'm very soft-spoken if it lends itself to giving Sometimes it lends itself to giving and taking the same damn time and today. I'm gonna give and I'm gonna take from you Okay, okay, okay

My packaging is amazing. You say that my packaging is amazing Hmm and unique and unique and unique and unique I don't look exactly like anyone else Like I sort of look like Jane Lynch Know what you do like doing lunch and with that and with that and I get that a lot You know what people a lot of people say they love me and you and you and you're also carrying some of that The talented mr. Ripley Yeah, I've got the Ripley

Yeah, I love that movie. I love that fucking movie. I'm like if Matt Damon and Jane Lynch had a Teenage daughter who then was aged badly. That would be me Anyway, it's okay. It's okay though. It's okay. We were still going down the right path. Okay. Yeah I don't look like anyone else. We'll get those people and But you gotta say it right. Don't say it flat. You say it right And like anyone else and this is this last this last part is very important and I'm learning to love that see that I Know if I don't see your fucking teeth, you're not saying it, right? It's not the way Deepak Chopra talks to me by the way, and I'm loving I'm learning to love that and I'm learning to love it

That's it. See that's it. That's fucking it man. I'm learning to love it. That's got the shows See what we're trying to get across with this quote is your packaging is unique And you imitate something you damn show don't look like nobody else Yes, that is true. That is you know me. Yeah, no one ever says hey, you look sort of like that. No, everyone when they see me Good, however, they feel about it. They know it's me. They know it's you there is no other there is let me tell you something You Let me tell you something. It's called packaging your packaging goes so such a long way See, I'm gonna run through your process. You drag your sorry ass up in here, right into your show, right?

Then hair and makeup they fix your fucking packaging. You understand that they do a lot of work I get a lot of done your package is not in the best of shape But you need those people you need those people those people were hired to do a job and that's just insulting now Okay, okay. Yes, I do need hair and makeup. That's true No as unique as your packaging is you need those people you wouldn't do this shit without them Would you do it without them? No, I I would know I would know fuck now you wouldn't do it out of them Cuz you're back as as unique as your packaging is They these people must stage you they stage you they stage your ass

You've been to have you ever been to a home and that was for sale and it's what they do they stage that shit And you know what I say to you sometimes sometimes if they really want you to buy it, what do they do? They cook a pie There's before you come to smell a fresh pie when you come in or bread that is exactly what they do If you do not if you do not if you do not stage at home The people who are trying to buy it at home will never know if this home is livable, you know, they don't know You know what those people are sometimes I do this sometimes I go to home. You know, I go to open houses No, I do I bring some sage and walk around at motherfucker the smoky stage. You know me you do that you go to wait

You can't go to open houses. I do the fuck. I want to do if I want to buy Fuck I want to do I want to smoke a stage and I walk around the whole house all in the house Oh my god, and give it all the evil spirits in that motherfucker Those people off But but you know what I'm creating calm I'm creating calm Okay

Okay, the only thing I'm gonna say the only thing I say to be I love this JB and Miles I think what you're doing is such a terrific service for people You are giving back in a way that I never could and even if I could I just wouldn't I just you know I'm like the Grinch, you know, I just hang on to things. I like to sit up Yeah, I like to you know I'm up on top of my mountain looking down at Whoville and just laughing at other people But then I realize I'm really except I don't even have a dog like the Grinch that I have not but I I have to give it up For you because what you've done is you've given me this what I think the real sentiment was I

Have unique packaging and I should just love myself for who I am and then JB you beautifully managed to Twist that into I need a lot of fucking makeup And hair to look presentable to fix my sorry ass. That's what you did. Well, he's No, no, there's a path to getting you clarity of what you are giving to the world and what the world is giving to you You just blessed those amazing people who have a job to do a job to make you look great. They got a job Okay, they want you to look fabulous, you understand. Yes. Okay. Listen, look, look, there is only one you man You're going to a parking lot and it's full of cars. All those cars aren't yours It's only one car that is yours and your car is unique

Your cars your car is your car. The car has a old McDonald's cups in the backseat and shit with store Empty empty ass shit like that a few french fries between the party seat and you know in the middle of shit Everybody got french fries between there, you know, you got a key you got a key a key scratch on that motherfucker You know saying fuck you Conan on the side of it, you know So someone watched me come out of my car waited till I was gone and then Scratched in fuck you Conan the side of my car Conan not only is it on your car Sometimes that shit is on you, but it's invisible. You don't see it But the shit is there. Fuck you Conan is on your back

I'm telling you and you feel like that sometimes someone took an imaginary fucking key and scratched Fuck you Conan on your back and you know, you know, sometimes you feel it on your back There's a mark on your back sometimes every one out there feels that shit Sometimes you feel that fuck you on your back or sometimes it says watch me or whatever sometimes But you are You are you are a mode of travel That's what I'm trying to say all sentences you are mode of travel and the same you know, you are unique in your own way It's like getting your bag on baggage claim, right?

When you're at the airport only one of those bags is yours No, I travel with more a lot of luggage Yeah, no, I'm saying that you know your bag. You know your luggage three or four Usually a big steamer trunk of wigs Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, exactly. See in your bag in your bag in your luggage luggage luggage is the key word to your luggage Yes, you're carrying luggage. I'm carrying luggage. That's why I try to reach people. That's why I reach people Baggage your baggage is your luggage. You are carrying the fuck around everywhere. See so I'm a guy Carrying around a lot of emotional baggage who's got fuck you Conan

carved into his back. I Don't it's not visible. It's not visible, but the shit is there Yeah, it's still there someone still scratched it into my back and I'm quite aware of it and it hurts And that actually a dermatologist can see it with a blue light And and it's fine. It's very disturbing Conan all sentences you are very unique. You are like a part Sloth part giraffe, you know, you have the arms the gangly arms of a fucking sloth and the long Of a giraffe, you know, I feel I have to say I feel terrific

No, you're like you you're like Jeffrey that that that that giraffe on toys are us Yeah I'm a giraffe. I'm a sloth But and that's all we have time for You get the difference this I'm saying something this water is way deeper than you think it is This this what we're talking right now. This water is to our ankles right now But if we go any further, there's an undertow that's a fucking undertow to this whole conversation And I'm just scratch the surface you scratch the surface

I'm gonna have to have many more segments in session. You need more this you need people need more of this people need People need to be this shit to be broken down to them and and kept 100 and keep it 100 100. I say 100 100 100. That's what they say. People say 100 100. I keep that shit 100 100. Okay. No 100 See, it's too many syllables in 100. You're right. You're right. You know, you gotta just get 100 100 I'm gonna keep 100 with you. See see a lot of times if I go see right now I'm taking the direct route to you Conan, but that's another term. There's a hard left and there's a hard right You know, and you know what that hard right is it's sauna sauna. Hey, I'm gonna take a hard right on you The energy this man gives off. Mm-hmm. I know some days this man comes in here and you're like, hmm

Your energy ain't right. Yeah, don't be afraid to say your energy ain't right right now I'll come come back in 15 minutes. You fix your shit You walk out of that room and fix your shit shit. You understand. Yeah You want sona just if she finds me doing anything that bothers her in any way to say fix your shit I'm out of here. I'll be back in 15 minutes. Yes. Yes I don't want you to throw her energy off cuz you know what she has her own life She goes home every day. She got her own shit to worry about. I mean, yeah Sometimes sona goes home and I fucking lights off. You know what I'm saying and in that in turn is because her salary is not what what she

She wants more Frustrating that is I'll look into it. I'll look into it. I'll look into it. I'll look into it I don't have a lot of power at it Conan doesn't have a lot of power at Kona co So I have to find find out who's in charge. Give me a briefcase full of money. All right We're just not even a race. See that. See that. See that. See that. That's the energy I want you to have right there sona. That's the end. You should give this man this man Conan as amazing as he is Sometimes you you see you are broken up into several pieces Conan

I mean you walk into into a space with these amazing people Matt Matt. I'm no Matt Matt I know sometimes you wish you had a box a toolbox We just fucking this like put some vice grips on corn on corners mouth and say, you know You you wouldn't say it out loud. I would you're in a self. It's like I wish I could put these vice grips on its lips You know, yeah, it tells me Matt. You are very vocal about your your occasional disdain for me Are you I'd like to hook up some jumper cables to a battery and then to Conan. See see that See see that Jumper cables see that see that and there's a positive and a negative right am I right or wrong?

See how I see how real that shit in miles. Do I do this all the time? Do I really shouldn't there's a negative and a positive? Yeah, positive me negative Conan. See that yeah, see that this is I've listened very carefully to your dynamic with miles. I've noticed miles supports you JB. Yes, this is supports you. I could not divide miles from you in a million years because You guys are so thick and so tight and he's so loyal All it took was you in one second to get Sona and Matt to turn against me Which I find to be terribly disloyal. No, I'm not getting them a turn against you. I'm getting them a turn towards you Oh, I thought it was again. No

No, it's It's Because I'll tell you why if Conan does not know what the fuck he's doing. He's gonna keep it's gonna keep happening Repeatedly you gonna keep going home to that dark-ass house and stupid lighting stupid ass candles and shit fucking milk balls in the fucking fridge You will continue to drink spoiled ass milk So I wasn't aware they were turning off your power. It's not chill. I wasn't aware. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah Well, now you know and now give me money. Okay, I'm sorry I didn't I didn't give you enough money to keep the power on in your house. I'm sorry. I just redirected the

energies that see I'm a towel. I'm a towel and shit together I just redirected the fucking energies from the battery that Matt wants to link to you the negative and the positive See, I took the negative and positive and what happens when you put them together. It's a fucking spark I just did a spark. I just I just tapped the positive and And created a spark Now that spark in turn, it's gonna cause Conan to to approach you two guys a lot better That's all it is. That's all I did. You know, I want to cause them trouble. Thanks JB. Thank you Yeah, I think I'll add don't connect jumper cables to you. Yes

Thank you. And again with the legal disclaimer miles We don't want people out there keep your windows closed and and do not touch Jumper cables that are charged to each other the negative not a good or to a person. That's just not a good idea so And I I think there's a chance that I will change JB my actions towards these two people Until the next time I talk to them. Hey, I'm just gonna help. Hey, I'm just gonna help man I can only plant the seeds it's up to you guys to continue to water that motherfucker. You understand You gotta continue to water it otherwise. It won't grow. It won't grow

That's kind of an evil laugh at the end You've changed my life already this is I'm really looking forward to this and I will be a Regular and avid listener because you can see how much this has just changed me Short time. We've been talking since you are you are a whole different person, you know, you are do I feel that you have changed? So in closing in closing I would say this Basically what I'm telling you and everyone out there is Don't worry about what you got inside

You understand Shit a parent spends money on toys for his kids and guess what happens that little motherfucker plays with the box that she came in You Conan you are a long-ass Lankley Wonderful box. Let's take that shit put that now grab it out of the sky grab it grab what I just said And put that shit in your pocket Keep your hand keep your fist balled up in your pocket all the rest of the day. Don't take your hand out your pocket Keep hold that shit tight. I have it. I have it here. That's in your pocket. Man. You're really on your pocket

Yeah, I see my pocket. It's in my pocket. Uh-huh. So someone says someone says why is your fist balled up in your pocket? You tell him a shut the fuck up. We tell him that That doesn't sound like the right. I would be is that the way to go of course really that's the same person who wrote Fuck you Conan on your back. See good lord. You're okay. All right this first person who says What the fuck is your hand going in your pocket your fist in your pocket and you say shut the fuck up, right? Just know that's the person who scratched fuck you Conan on your back I'm not trying to cause no trouble over there. Okay. I'm gonna there's gonna be I'm gonna be arrested tomorrow

I'm gonna get into a fight with someone in a parking lot who just says hey Conan. I'm a big fan I'm just curious why your fist is clenched in your pocket and I'm gonna say fuck off You should have kept your window closed. I should have kept my window closed. Yes, miles. Hey, man I gotta get the word out here may I elaborate daily wisdom from JB smooth inspiration affirmations and hallucinations Profile and profanity one of comedy's most enigmatic and strange minds bite-sized 10 to 15 minute daily episodes I call it morsels little morsels morsels little morsels of knowledge morsels morsels. That's right Don't get too stuffed

Just the right amount, you know, you can become your enlightened self. That's it and and miles I I think you're I think you're a terrific part of this equation because you are offering at the appropriate intervals legal disclaimers To the foolishness that JB occasionally finds himself saying disguised as wisdom somebody's got to do it Yeah, no, it's it's a legal department. Literally said probably maybe they should do it. Yeah. No, no They hired you because you're actually in the union gentlemen. I am I Really can't I can't thank you enough for doing this for the world that you're doing this for the world Yeah, and I thank you very much. Hey, the world needs this. They need this and I'm giving it to them

Okay. Yeah, how about I'm gonna motherfucking give it to him, huh? Hey, sometimes you have to Sometimes it's the only way to understand it. You know, a lot of people shake things out of you I shake shit into you. You feel me? What? Shake it into you mean people shake somebody you shake it and it falls in Yeah, shake it into you. I should get into you. We're gonna shake out of you. I should get into you see what is it? People need it where it's they don't know they want it. They don't know they want it yet I shake it into you people shake things out of people all the time. You should and you should ask them first No, I'm just telling you people like that. They

Okay, jump in here every now and then and say, you know, of course if you want it shook into you, of course I'm I'm new which is okay. Thank you. Hey, I shake it into your ass. You're gonna take this Well, I don't want it to go into my ass. No, I mean, whatever. I mean, I'm just telling you Sometimes that's how it works. That's how it works. Do you think these You know how many coast they are in the world all those Zen masters you think they just giving you stuff, you know No, they want they want it to Resonate and you know, they want it to penetrate you They don't want you just lolly lolly. This is he's gonna take this. Hope you feel better today

They don't coddle you. I don't coddle people. I shake it into your ass Okay, I'm not a coddler. If you want wisdom shook into your ass violently shook violently shook into your ass all of course with your permission and and Signing a waiver first Then yes, this is for you. This is for you and and and also in my second closer

I would say this to all you are college college Programs out there universities There should be a class to to give these young people this this should be a Learn to love yourself class. How about that? Throw that in there to the curriculum. Why not? Okay, maybe this is a possible thing that you and miles would do is travel to different universities and for an appropriate fee Why not the may I elaborate tour college tour giving giving people something a class little local. That's a little class Yeah, something something something to put into their heads and before they before these young people are released into the world You'll see those people who have pigeons on the roof and they got pictures in cages and they unlock all the cages and all the pigeons fly away

Yeah, fly away. They live a little bit They go hang out in clubs and stuff like that and then they come back then they come back to the cage And you lock it back up again. See I said that was all we had time for a while ago, but you let it keep going Yeah, but you know well listen, you can't cage, you know JB like some pigeon on a roof You got to let him go. He's a cooling pie putting out his emanations wherever They want to go and like there's light in it. Oh my temperament is perfect perfectly aged temperament

perfect, I I Think you're both gonna be arrested But I haven't caught us yet. We haven't caught us A few episodes ago on the Bob Odenkirk interview we did a segment at the end where it just kind of came out of you naturally that you should start in a blockbuster movie called Whirly gig where you are the superhero who's still from the waist up, but has vicious weapon flailing feet below, right? Yeah, it's actually not just the feet. It's the legs. I have a disproportionate body shorter torso extremely extremely long legs and so I love the idea that my upper half would remain perfectly still in frame and that my

Lower extremities my two long long long thin legs would whip around like those, you know inflated Kind of puppets in front of a car dealership. I'd have two of those. They just were and I'd be called whirly gig And the sound be And they would just whip around two of those would just whip around like And I would defeat my foes But my torso would remain perfectly still and my face would remain impassive Expressionless. Well, we also put out a call for some fan art and posters for the film and people have delivered We've got three really nice ones here today

But before we even get to that someone also went so far as to write and record a theme song to the film Whirly gig Oh Wow my hat is off to Wow this gentleman. What is his name again? His name is Barnacle Joe. Of course it is Boy the way he gets those H's in in a whirly gig. Yes. He does whirly gig and that was great I mean, I feel like that's gonna sell just based on that song Barnacle Joe

Fantastic job really good. I was that was impressive and now I'll show you some posters and you can go to team Coco Podcasts on Instagram. You can check these out. First up is from Jesse Lehi and this is Conan in a kilt with weird fleshy octopus legs. That's pretty good. It's not quite what I First of all, I would not be smiling I would be my it's gotta be a just an expressionless cold look but not bad I still think it's more about the legs Hinging up from the hips as opposed to the knees. Yeah, but Um, but I like this. I like this and it's it's very well done. It's very well rendered. So I would probably

If this person was here make a few suggestions here and there to nudge it closer to my vision But this is pretty close. It's a good poll quote though. I was gonna say the same thing Yeah, read it the list of requests not to see it is quite long Wall Street Journal. Yes Still not the worst review I've ever had so there you go Haha, and then next up is from Julius Soutine. This is quite. Oh wow Look at that. Yeah, look at that We wrote it. We wrote this movie. Oh my god. We did. Yeah, very good Julius I like also you've got the leg to torso ratio just right that is actually probably correct

Is that your butt? No, that's the jacket coming down. Oh, you're right. It is the jacket coming down No, no the minute I have an actual three-dimensional ass. Everyone knows that it's not real That's what it is. That makes it unreal. Yeah, it's the jacket. That's the jacket, but that's very good Like the awards festival awards best drama best legs and most historically accurate a cock-a-roo It's a very you know what I love I love getting even more Americans to waste their time and energy on projects that don't move the puzzle piece forward for humanity But these are great. All right, this is from Katie Fischel and It's got kind of a

Universal monsters feel I love that. That's that's quite good and Katie what Katie has correctly rendered is The legs shooting out from the hip area and I and she also has me wearing the early 1980s NBA basketball shorts a lot of attention to detail and the look on my face is correct This is very good and the reactions of the horrified people seeing my those are really hairless legs Those are are they or is that stubble or freckles? I think those are not it's not pleasant. Whatever it is. It captures Oh, I said my legs are like spam. I think so. Yeah, those little blotches Freckly blotches. That's quite good. That is quite good. Yeah

And it says they were just trying to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art I think it drives home the fact that your character kills innocent people. Yes. Yes. Yes people. They don't just nothing They've done nothing wrong And it's very random. Yeah, just very random. Very good work. I'm very impressed again by the creativity of our fans You know and I'm often I forget what the riff was in the first place and then I see and I go, oh my god. What the hell, you know But thank you that was great Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Saks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at

Earwolf theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer samples The show is engineered by Will Beckton You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode And if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded

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