Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Jeff Goldblum

Episode Date: February 25, 2019

Actor Jeff Goldblum feels...truthful about being Conan O'Brien's friend.Jeff and Conan sit down to chat about mini-orgasms, spousal criticism, pinky rings, raising comic children, and speaking in jazz. Plus, producer Matt Gourley reveals the results of the latest blind drawing contest, and Conan responds to a voicemail regarding proper elocution.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by State Farm (www.statefarm.com), HelloFresh (www.hellofresh.com/conan60 code: CONAN60), Hair Club (www.hairclub.com/CONAN), Campaign Monitor (www.campaignmonitor.com/CONAN), MeUndies (www.meundies.com/CONAN), Capterra (www.capterra.com/CONAN), and Article (www.article.com/CONAN).

Golly, hi, my name is Jeff Goldblum, and I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Well, I feel, let me be truthful, and I feel, well, to the extent that we're friends, and I feel we have a deep connection, but I wish we'd spend more time together. I'm available for your friendship, however, time-consuming, or any aspect of it. We've been friends in the sense that we have, in the way that we have, on these shows and seeing each other here and there. You've, of course, I've enrolled you, and I finagled you into being part of that show, that movie that I did, and you were so sweet to do that.

And then, what else? Oh, we did it. We did it. We were there at some voice-over we were doing, it was one of your things, yes, yes, yes. And then, did I have a date with you, or just ran into you at the Soho house? That was lovely. And I've always said, let's, and we've exchanged information, but we've never availed ourselves of it.

I've always said, yes, let's come over to my house and let's do many things. I do all manner of things, so I love being your friend, however it does or doesn't pan out. But I tell you again, I'm available for the deepest, closest, and most time-consuming kind of friendship. Jeff, everyone else has answered with one word. Hey, you're listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, a podcast, that, you know, I'm glad that I have invented for the sole purpose of forcing people to be friends with me.

And so far, it's kind of working. That's what I like about it. And also, I've thoroughly enjoyed talking to everyone that I've had a chance to interview so far. But I will say this, I believe deep down in my heart that the podcast was probably invented so that I could talk with Mr. Jeff Goldblum in an intimate forum. He is, of all the people I've interviewed in 25 years in television, he has the most unique style, way of expressing himself, mannerisms, and I've thought I've got to get him into a

very small podcast room and just let the sensuality bounce off the walls. Here to keep things from getting too out of hand are my minders, Matt Gorley, Matt. Matt, it's like I'm going to a Catholic school and you're a woman who's a 55-year-old matron who's watching me dance. And if I get too close to Jeff Goldblum, you're going to swap me with a ruler. Yeah, I may just, but I'm kind of into it, don't you? Yeah, he's that kind of guy. You know what I'm talking about?

Sona, Jeff Goldblum, you got to admit, he's a delight. A delight, yes. I'm in. Well, no, no, this is... I am on board. This is my date. So anyway... What?

Wait, what? You guys are just here to watch for a little bit and then we'll all take a break and Jeff Goldblum and I will go get some tapas. Do you think this is a date? In my mind, I do. My wife understands, or she will when I tell her. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Goldblum. Well, they didn't tell me that was the thing.

Let me see. No, no, no. That's good. That's good what you did. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, that is so you. You just went on a jazz riff that was lovely. That was lovely. I don't believe that you are available for any amount of time.

You have two young children. Yes. That's true. So when you say, I don't care how time consuming. Well, at some point, I might say, Conan, you know how many times you've called me today and no, I wish I could, I'm just putting the kids to bed. I don't imagine that'll happen though, but in between that and now, feel free to call on me for any old thing.

If you'd said yesterday, you know, I watched the Super Bowl yesterday kind of by myself. Oh, is that true? Well, the kids were there and my wife and then a couple of her friends came over, but that was about it. That's called being with your family. That's not by yourself. No. That's true.

That's true. And a couple of other people, but it wasn't like a party. So it was almost a party, but not a party. Boy, you would have been, I would have served you any, any kind of chips you wanted. If you would have come over and like to herd your play by play. It was a dreary affair really. The kids lost interest early on. We're running around like maniacs and then just kind of collapsing.

And the other people I don't know were not so interested in it. I was watching it and it was a dreary few hours. I'm a Pittsburgh Steeler fan. And I didn't want the Patriots to win. Sorry. Sorry to all your listeners who might feel otherwise. Anyway, I was just kind of dreary, weary about the whole thing. But if you'd been there, is my point, oh boy.

Well, see, this is the thing, Jeff, you and I do have a connection, which is when you come on my show over the years, and this is the reason I really want to go on the podcast, I have a connection with you that's unlike my connection with anyone else. I don't often understand it, but you are a feline. You purr almost. Yes, exactly. And you come out, we're both very tall. Same height exactly.

I think we are the same height. Eye to eye. We see eye to eye. Yes. Oh, very good. And you come out and we start this mind meld. And I often, often when our interview is over, I don't know what it is we've said. I don't know if we've said anything of consequence.

But people always say, oh my God, that was entertaining, but I often don't know what happened. Yes. Do you know what's happening when you come out? No, just now when I, we just finished another episode, I enjoyed it very much. But yeah, when I came back, I went, geez, what did I, what did we talk about? I did, I said that out loud, I think I said, what did we say? You started at one point.

Because it was all uncharted. Yes. At one point you started, you pointed at my shoes, and you just started talking about shoes, and then, and you kept making those little noises the way you do. I called them micro orgasms. Yeah. And then on the show, you said something like that, and I said, not so micro. Oh, really?

Oh. I said, yeah. Yeah. They're all overwhelmingly powerful. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, they are. Oh, they sure are.

You know, that's the other thing I want to talk about. Like a skipping stone. Remember the old Andy Griffith opening? Yes. And they'd skip those. It's like a. They'd skip a stone at a time. Yes, ecstasy is just skipping along the surface of the water.

Okay. You're hearing the description of Jeff Goblem describing his orgasms, multiple orgasms, that fragment, that fragment and skip and hop, and one orgasm exploding into another. Exactly. So, hey, somebody said, is this true that your orgasm is resembles the way you sneeze? And I'm one of those multiple sneezers, speaking of which I'm a serial, a chew, a chew, a chew, a chew. How many was that?

I was just, it sounds frightening for your partner. You know, it really does. It sounds like they don't know what's happening. That would be frightening. It would be, when is this quake over? You know? Maybe so. Yeah.

Many aftershocks too, you know, those are the, let's catch you by surprise too. You can't. Will you attest, Matt Gorley and Sonia, that he is moving, he is, he is writhing, Jeff, as he's talking, you can't see this because it's podcast, but he's undulating, slowly from side to side, like a cobra. As we were talking involuntarily, Mike, I started to rotate my crops. I've never seen anyone gyrate vertically. Yes.

Yes. Rotate my crops. That's right. He's still doing it. My field never goes fallow. Oh, God. I'm always changing the seed. Wait, now you're creeping.

Oh, my God. I love it. I just, because I understand. Okay. I'm going to take you through my history of Jeff Goldblum. When I was a kid and I love television, this show came on TV, and I've mentioned this to Jeff before, but this show came on television that was much better than any show I had seen on TV.

It was called Ten Speed and Brown Shoe, and it was starring a brand new actor I'd never seen before, Jeff Goldblum, alongside Ben Vereen. It was a great show, and you were fantastic, and I was, I don't know how old I was, was I 16? Was I 17? I don't know. Well, it was 1980, I think. 1980, I would have been 16, 17 years old when that came out.

I was blown away by the show, and by this guy, Jeff Goldblum, I just thought he's hilarious, and sure enough, he starts showing up in movies, and then you made the fly, and I thought, this movie is scary, but this, the guy playing Brundle, Seth Brundle, is, I believe he's real, and I really like him, and he's funny, and he's, but he's, he, he's frightening the transformation into someone frightening is real, and I had a lot of empathy, and I thought, this is one of the best horror movies I've seen, when that movie came out, I thought, this is one of the best horror movies they've made in the last 20 years, and I thought it was really you, I really just believe, yes, great cast, and direction, and script, but

I really thought that was you, and I just, I love you in things, I think, and I'm saying that because I have noticed that when you show up in Thor Ragnarok, you steal the show, you just, it's a delight, when you're, your, your character, when you showed up in the, in the first Jurassic Park, just delightful, and over and over and over again, you've managed to get this part of yourself out there on the screen, because you are, it is a part of you, you are an imp, you're impish, you know, you're impish, you're very, somebody, you're very Jurassic too, when I do the second Jurassic movie, I read a review, and somebody said, yes, Mr. Goldblum, this looks like a giant gnome, you shouldn't read those things

there, even when they compliment you, it's never, Sona, do I read things? Never read anything. If, if someone says it, writes an incredibly nice thing about me, everyone says, we've scanned it 35 times, it's only nice, and it's superlatives, I'm like, okay, just put that in a drawer, and I'll read that later, I don't get to it, that's right, that's right, well, you get inoculated these days, because there's so much opinionating going on, and so people must be saying horrible things all the time, and so you go, oh, okay, I just, I'm not going to read below, I'm not going to read it, you know.

Don't read comments on the internet. Yeah, so you can, you can, you can avoid, you start to learn how to avoid things, yeah. Do you, although a producer, I did a play once, and I got a bad, which, which play? Should I say, because I'm going to go on to tell a story, oh boy, it's still, it's still a wound, it's still an open wound. The play I would have seen you in? Maybe, I may reveal it at the end of this story, see if you think I can, or I'm going to break, have a breakdown if I do, but the reviews were poor for me, poor, poor, bad,

bad reviews, and then the producer of the theater company, famous producer, said, oh, come on in, to cheer me up, I think, the day or two after it opened, and said, you know, you're a wonderful actor, and this is what I appreciate you about you, and I read something, I heard it was good, I heard we got a good review, because they were generally bad for the whole show, the whole production, I heard we got a good review, so, so, so, my assistant, lady, my son, or so, bring that review in, and I'm going to read it to Jeff, he needs something to cheer him up, and he started to read it, he hadn't read it before, and it said, well, this was good, in contrast to what other people say, this is a show is

fine and dandy, it's good, except for, Mr. Goldblum, an actor I used to admire, he goes oh, never mind, never mind, and then he went to all that trouble, he went to all that trouble, didn't realize it was going to be another blow, and said, well, and then ended the interview too shortly after, he said, well, what can I say, Jeff, here, and he had a lot of bric-a-brac on his desk, a kind of, you know, mementos, he said, would you like to take something you want to give me a present, he said, here, do you like Burton Ernie, take this little, it was a tiny birdie, to take this with you, I said, okay, thank you, thank you, a little rubber bird, yeah, it was something like that, yeah, consolation, in exchange for reading

you a bad review, yes, it was a still, it was a horrible, I'm imagining when you walk around, people are very excited to see you, and they have good feelings towards you, just in the case with everybody, but I've also been an admirer of your lifestyle, you know, for many, many years, you were a single man on the prowl, and always, I don't know how proudly I was, but no, you were, you enjoyed my single life, you did enjoy your single life, you did, you had a good time, I admit, I like to go on dates, I like dates, some people say, oh, I don't like dates, horrible dates, I like them, what do you like about dates?

New, new, new investigation, and possibility, and potential, and, you know, oh god, well I know that part, yeah, now would you, I would imagine, I always thought, when I was a young man and I would go on a date, there are all these things that you have to deal with, which is, you know, oh, I don't have any money, my car is terrible, I remember going to a restaurant and thinking am I going to be able to afford this, all those problems, but then you're Jeff Goldblum, and you're single, and you're famous, and people like you, and you've got incredible clothes, and you walk into a restaurant, right this way, Mr. Goldblum, right this way, and you're with this beautiful woman, that must make a date, a very nice

experience. Well, yeah, I mean, I've been with my sweet, sweet Emily now for seven years, so I hardly, you don't even remember those times, do you? I don't remember those times, no, they've become a blur, but… Because I filmed most of it. You did? Yes, I have films of all of your dates. Really?

I'd like to sit with you for a week or two, and go through all that footage. It would take four months. Oh, really? Yeah, that's nice, well, you know, I'm sure I benefited from, you know, sometimes being able to, you know, get a leg up on the situation, so to speak, with one thing or another, but of course, as we know, none of those things really make a happy life or a happy situation or a happy connection with you and somebody else. That's very finely personal and nothing that can be affected by money or the trappings

of any, any old thing. You've taken to this whole enterprise like a duck to water. Yes, I have. I have, well, she's spectacular. She's great. She's absolutely great, isn't she, and these kids, thank goodness so far, are miraculous. You can always get out. If the kids don't turn out great, you can just walk away.

There's very, no, there's very little emotional scarring, and you just walk away from a child. Well, you have, of course, Liza, and... You talk about my wife that way. The way you said my wife's name, of course, you have... Liza. Well, no, I hardly know your wife, but I'm sure... What? Are you sure what?

I'm sure. I will thrash you. I will thrash you about the head and shoulders with a cudgel. I'd enjoy that. You know what's so funny for you? For you, everything's essential experience. This is what I've noticed about Jeff Goblem. Everything is essential experience, you know, like, here, apply this.

It's time to put this drywall up. You've got to put this drywall up. We've got to get this, hmm, drywall. Why not enjoy it? Yeah, find the studs, get the nail. The cudgel business got me going, the line, as we know, between pleasure and pain is sometimes papyrus thin. Madness, you're madness.

But no, but I was so interested in you, as I still am, because you've got, of course, you're two lovely kids. Yeah. You've got to exchange all manner of notes and have play dates and all kind of things. I'd like to see you with your kids. Yeah, I'm a fun, well, you can attest, so now I'm a goofy dad. I'm very goofy with my kids. Yes, I think you're a goofy person in general, and I think you are very goofy in front of

your kids. Yes. Like they play the fool. But they seem over it sometimes. Yes, yes. They, like America, have grown weary. No, not at all, but I realize about myself being a, now that I'm a dad, that I'm a jokester. I like to make Joe, I like to laugh, they make me laugh, and I like to make them laugh, and

I'm always joking. Emily's going, you know, she kind of lays down the law, has to. That's how it goes. Yeah, you know, be the constructor of guardrails and this and that, and sometimes she gets critical of me, in fact, like, you know, I'm an intrusion and, you know, come on, you're going to help this along? Are you just going to make jokes, you know, to which I'm sensitive? Do you get sensitive to that if she criticizes you?

Of course. I know. Yes, I'm sensitive, all criticism, but especially from your spouse. I know. And, you know, yes, occasionally, if my wife, who's fantastic, but if she, if, I'm careful because she doesn't watch the show, but she does listen to the podcast. But I love her dearly, and she's a terrific mom, best mom ever. But occasionally, she'll say, oh, you maybe could have helped out more in that situation

or you could have done this, you could have done that. And I feel like I'm a wounded bear at that point. I'm with you. Yeah. It, it, it, it's horrible. Just this morning, what happened just this morning, I started to kind of fumigate inside myself and, you know, and by the time we went, he would, he would fume and I fumed. I didn't fumigate.

You fumigated. You would have. I was cleaning out myself. Fumigating is what I try to clean myself up. But I was fuming. Yeah. Sorry. I tried to make a new use of the word fumigating.

All right. Conscious. I was fulminating. Fumigating like that. Fumigating. Yeah. I was marinating in my own juices and some, some kind of dark, dark au jus. But.

Insanity. Insanity. Insanity. She's great. She's like, talk about a, a duck, not taken to water, but a duck when they have a run-in, they flap their wings and they, and they, and they don't, doesn't buy them anymore. They don't carry a grudge or hold anything. Everything is over the moment.

I need to be more like that myself. And I am. She's teaching me that. She is. I believe that in those moments when we have those interactions with our wives, we're making them our moms and we're feeling scolded by a mom. Yes. And it's a, I really think that that is true.

And then you, what you have to do is the work in your mind of saying, this isn't my mom. You're not my mother. You're not my mother. Yes. This isn't 1971 and don't turn her into that. That's not fair to her. I'm sure that's true. I'm sure that's true.

Yeah. Do you have a therapist? Because I could be your therapist. Well, you know, you know, this may be, not a million laughs, but I, my therapist, who Gary Shandling, connect me to, she was his therapist and I was pals with Gary Shandling, became my therapist and she was wonderful, Lou Katzman and, but I don't know over the course. And then for the last decade, I would just see her as needed once a year if I'm getting

into or out of a relationship or I've had some, some problem. And then Emily, a few, a couple of years into our relationship said, um, gee, wouldn't it be lovely if we had a baby with the, what would you think about that? And it wasn't strategic or off-putting or untrustworthy at all. And I said, wow, this is serious. I, I'm so serious about you. This is so delightful that I should really consider this now. Let's go in to see Lou.

She hadn't met Lou Katzman. And we did. Sounds like an agent. I know. She's a 40s agent. Lou Katzman. Get me Lou Katzman. Uh, you're screwing with the wrong guy.

Lou Katzman's my agent. You're going to hear from him. Well, she was Luwanda Katzman, she's a Southern lady who married, you know, a Katzman. That's how she became Katzman anyway. She was very good. And over the course of that next year, we excavated all my fears, considerations about it. And after a year, I said, yeah, this could be peachy and we'll get married and have

a baby. And then she, having never done it before, I know you can do this too. She got herself, uh, able to officiate at the wedding. Yes. So she, she officiated our wedding. She was wonderful. Then she died a few months ago. Oh, sorry to hear that.

Yeah. That's okay. But why did I bring up? Oh, so I need a new therapy. Yes. This is, this is a fertile time. You know, I feel as self reliant as ever, you know, I'm sorry. But I always enjoyed therapy.

I found it to be a real great, uh, fruitful bone to chew on if I'm not mixing my metaphors to. Yeah. You wouldn't, yeah. No, you wouldn't. Be no fruitful bone. There's no bones in fruit. And there's no fruit, uh, covered bone.

Yeah. Another way of saying, yeah, that's right. Except is there no, no, no, no bones in everyone in the room is backing out slowly. It's just the two of us, but this is such a fertile time. Yes. All the, the, the, um, maternal connections that might be there potentially with your wife and all the new sensitivities and new passions and new mortality thoughts and this is a fertile time to talk with somebody smart and, uh, yeah, I will, uh, I can help you

in that area if you want. I could be your therapist or I could recommend a therapist. Either both. I think both would be good. Recommend. Recommend. What are you talking about? I think I have good, so now I give good advice, don't I?

You do, but you're not like a licensed therapist. I mean, what are you talking about? Uh, how hard could it be? I'll just say, hmm, that sounds interesting and, uh, how does she feel about it? Oh, okay. Well, our time's up. No, he's very good. He's very empathic, but, and I've never had a problem selling a therapist, absolutely

everything and being entirely truthful. Even with you, I'd be, should I tell him that? I don't know. We're pals too. You know, that's a different thing. Yeah. But you won't tell me the name of the plays you've been in and then, uh, you know, you're KG, you're one, one KG minks, um, let's take a quick break, a very quick break, uh, so

that I can, uh, do some ads. Uh, yeah. Really? Things at Cash Cow. And now it's time for a very special edition of Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Uh, let me explain quickly if my voice sounds, uh, any different. I am in, uh, the airport in Australia, Sydney, Australia right now.

I just finished a week of, uh, shooting an episode here for Netflix. I also did a live show in which I made possibly the mistake of singing as loud as I could while playing the guitar, the AC DC song, you shook me all night long in front of, uh, 2000, uh, mystified Australians. But when I was done singing this song, my voice was completely gone. So, uh, now I sound like, uh, a little bit like the, the great singer Lou Rawls. Look them up kids. Uh, I'm here with Andrew Bleyhardt.

Thanks. Yeah. Aaron Bleyhardt. Yeah. What did I just call you? You called me Andrew. Oh my God. I've known you forever.

That's true. That's just how jet lagged I am. 18 years. Okay. Well, I'm here with Simon Bleyhardt. He does a great job. We're back. I'm sitting here with, uh, it's a wonderful product, Jeff Colbloom.

I'm, whenever I'm with you, I find myself looking at what you're wearing, what you've, you've got a great watch on. Thank you. Uh, I like your ring. You had a, uh, a pinky ring for a while. Did you commit to it or did you get panicked? Here's what happened, uh, you know, um, I, I dreamed while in this, in this cycle with Andrew Viterra one night that, uh, he's your stylist, he's my stylist of a pinky ring and

I liked it. I'd be wearing it now except tactily playing the piano and just going around. It's, I'd rather be naked on my hands and everywhere, you know, would you like to be naked all the time? For that matter. Um, I bet you're very comfortable with your naked body. Well, I wouldn't just strip right now. I don't know.

I, no one was asking you to, uh, I might pass a note to that effect, but I wouldn't ask you, but I get the sense that you're someone who has, you don't seem like an inhibited person. I think you'd walk around naked at home purring, you know, you should see the kids before they get the idea that, uh, nakedness is somehow it's interesting or significant at all. They sure like to be naked boy kids. You watch, you get to watch the human being. I'd never been around kids before, but you get to watch the human being in their unspoiled

full selves and it's wild, isn't it? And nakedness is certainly one of them. Uh, comfort with their bodies, unselfconsciousness is part of their thing, of course, and speaking of which sexuality too, uh, eroticism, um, arousability and, uh, all sorts of things. A couple of these boys, wow, you know, and they're always playing with it. And as a matter of fact, I came home, listen to this. I did that red nose day, you know, with Richard Curtis, you know, and they give you at the end of that thing.

If you want a couple of, uh, red noses on your, yeah, well he'd done before, but I sure enough, he hadn't done it in a while. I came in, he was naked. I came in the room, he was naked. Who was naked? Charlie. Oh, Charlie. You're son.

I thought the guy who gave you the red nose was naked. No, no, not Richard Curtis. Three and a half year old. Oh, let's go to be really clear. Richard Curtis was not naked. No, in my house. Although he's a redhead too. He, you and he.

What does that mean? Well, I'm looking at one of the, not at all, but I'm looking at one of the foremost redheads in, uh, in the cosmos and, uh, I think the most, you know, possibly the most. Anyway, he had this red nose on his penis. What? Your son put it on his penis? He did. And he was just having the best time because he's funny and he likes to make jokes.

I think I've been, you know, infected him with my joke making, uh, uh, you know, bone and, uh, uh, and speaking of which he had the red nose on his penis and, you know, walking around. Yeah. It was quite a sight, but he likes it. You know, they, why they slap it and they pinch it and they do all kinds of things and they get, and they get erect. They get erectile.

As you know, I'm sure, um, often and they, you know, and we try not to, you know, make any big deal about it either. Uh, well, you're supposed to shame them. I don't think so. Really? That's what I, oh, okay. But no, uh, sexuality and sex was not spoken about in my home, maybe probably not your home either.

I don't know. Well, Warr's had a weird Shirley and Harold with the parents. Shirley had a particularly, she would, she would vacuum the house naked. What? Your, your mom would? Yep. She would go around with a vacuum cleaner somehow and naked. Yeah.

She thought, I think our general credo was the human body is, you know, in the new freedoms. This is in the new freedoms era. Uh, fine. And Andy, I'm part of the youth culture. She didn't want to, want to be left out or anything. Anyway, she was, but she also was given to a complicated and probably unrealized sexuality. I'm just guessing. I'm just guessing.

Because we already, well, maybe so. Uh, anyway, she would go around. So. So you saw your mom vacuuming nude? Yeah. That must have had an influence on you. Yeah. And it was a whole Philip Roth novel, to be honest with you.

I won't go into it, but there was probably a lot of complication to be excavated at a later date. Right. With a professional. Which I've done some with professionals. Yes. Yeah. Well, you should continue to do it.

And I would like to be there when you do it. Really? I wouldn't want to be there. You're invited. Would you let me sit in on a therapy session? Or do you feel, I wouldn't repeat anything. You trust me, don't you? Well.

With a microphone? And then we air it? Yes. Yes. I have another story I just thought of. Let's hear it. What? It sounds like a horror story.

I can't possibly tell this. Why? Why not? Oh, no, no. Does it involve interaction? Yes. Oh. But don't they all.

There we go. Don't they all. Well, wait. Let me just ask a couple of questions. And you can, does it involve your childhood or maybe later years? My childhood? But this story that you can't tell, does it involve your childhood or a little later on?

Now we're getting to my adolescence. Ah. Yeah. Newfound. Yeah. And you're wearing that your powers increase. Yes, exactly. Your sexuality.

You blossomed. Like a zucchini blossom. Like a zucchini blossom. Like a fruit in its. Fruit with a bone. With a bone in it. This time without the bone removed. What's the matter with us?

They're going to come. It's not with us. Don't drag me into this. People are going to identify where we live and in a war in the neighbors. Listen. You. You. You.

You are. I said too much. No, no. No, no, no. I'm still warm under my sweater. Yeah. I think we're all feeling warm. You know, I think it's good that there are other people in the room.

Yes. If it were just the two of us, it would be somehow a, more exciting, be scarier. But it's good that we have. It's good that we have mixed company too, because Sona. Sona, you tell us if this went too far, right? No, this is great. You like it. I don't know what's happening, but I'm enjoying it.

It's very homoerotic. Really? You two are. You two are both moaning a lot. Yes. I have to say, I have always had, I, you know, I'm going to be completely open. I've always had just this, this affection for Jeff Goldblum and then it, it, it passes on to like this, also this tactile, like when I see him, I like to give him a hug and shake

his hand and he makes these very pleasing sounds. And so yeah, it could be attraction. If it is, sexuality is a, is a scale. We all know that it's a, it's a spectrum. Yeah. Matt, isn't it a spectrum? Certainly. I mean, this is the first time I've met you and I am bewitched.

He is. It's true. He is. You are one charming son of a bitch. Sweet. You wish. You wish. That's, I dream of Janie.

Never mind. We're wrong. Wait, no, no, no. Who played that? Who played Jeanie? Wait a minute. Barbara Eaton, Barbara Eaton. No, no, no, no.

It has no, you be witched. It does have lyrics. Yeah. No, you're thinking of the movie. No, no, no. You used to. Yeah. She'd come in on that room.

You wish. You wish. Yes. Yes. That's it. Ha. of the, if they were looking for another, you know, Dick the husband, you know,

because they went through a Dick replacement on that. There was Dick. They did a creepy thing on that show, which is the Dick Sergeant, Dick York. Dick York had to leave the show because of a back injury. Oh, I didn't know that. And he was ill, he had to leave the show and he was replaced by Dick Sergeant

and they never said anything. I always find that scary in sitcoms when they do that and everyone acts like it's the same person. I know, I know. I'm gonna make another observation. I know you play jazz. You're very passionate about jazz. You've made this album, which is incredible.

Really, the musicianship and, but what's interesting is it, it's no coincidence to me that you like jazz because I think when you speak, it's jazz. Yeah, yeah, thanks. You know what I mean? It's very, you speak very musically and you bring things up and they occur to you

and you follow them where they're going and then you dip back and then you find it, but it's got a rhythm. Does this make any sense at all? It sure does, yeah. I was always naturally just excited about jazz and rhythmical things and different harmonic things and improvisation particularly.

Then I studied acting with Sanford Meisner, whose cornerstone of his technique is this particular improvisation. And even though I like to do scripted material, do I do a David Mamet play or, you know, my Martin McDonough play and that you have to, as you know, it'd be exactly on the words or a Wes Anderson movie who doesn't want you

to replace and with the. Right. And then you find a kind of freedom and interesting nuance within that. That's a very beautiful creative experience, but I do enjoy doing Portlandia or Thor Ragnarok on which we improvised a lot and I like improvisation. I like, and as you know, these talk shows,

which interest me terrifically as early on, I would go on a talk show and sort of adopt the cliche and conventional posture that, oh, I like the work to speak for itself. What am I doing on this show or that really, because I was frightened that occurred to me. And then, but I came to see it as an opportunity for something that I enjoy doing

and something that could be very special, a little improvisation with somebody who's top notch at it, you know, playing ostensibly yourself, but in a short way, I love everything about it. And I think it's, if you're in an environment where you feel safe, where you know that, no, we can let this go and we can let this, let's see what happens.

What do we got? Who cares? Let's just have fun. Today when I was on the show, you know, it's Rachel whom I really enjoyed doing it. She's one of the segment producers. The segment producing said, well, we talked for a little bit on the telephone

and now I've got some questions that he may ask you. I said, well, surprise me. And she could have said, well, no, here, you better get ready for this. She said, okay, well, that's the best anyway. So I really didn't know anything that was gonna occur when we went and that's my kind of favorite thing.

Your whole saying today was a cry for help. It was, my segment. Yeah, all right. Well, listen, we, I think we should go out to dinner. Now, here's what I ask. It's a deal, yeah. Is it just you and I? Do we get the wives involved?

I think we should do all, you know, all variations of it. We should do yes, you and I, then we should get the wives involved, then we should have them. Maybe you and I just first. Okey-dokey. You know, it's because the wives, you know, the wives, they can get in the way.

What? So maybe just you and I. Okay. Would it be an Italian restaurant? What kind of cuisine are we talking about? Well, we could pick. Geez, I don't know. What kind, I love food

and I love all different manner of ambiance. What would you, what do you imagine? I see you in a very stylish restaurant. I think it would be important that it be a kind of a cool look, you know? I think that, no, I'm saying it shouldn't be stuffy. I don't see you going to a stuffy restaurant. I don't like stuffy.

I don't like fine food dining for that reason much. No, no, I don't like that. Right, right. I don't like lengthy. But you're also a Pittsburgh guy. You might like a T-bone steak, ribs. I like a steak. I go for the leaner cuts of meat these days.

I like a nice filet, a petite filet, yeah. Yeah. At here or there. But I would do anything. But I like, you know, I did this little thing with Jonathan Gold before he passed away, speaking of which, who was wonderful. Do you know him?

Did you see that documentary, City of Gold? Yes. He appreciated Los Angeles in a whole different way through his eyes. Oh, he was brilliant. He was brilliant. He said, you know, he made me think that, hey, this is a good place to raise kids.

You can, if you drive around and expose them to the right things, this is a place of diversity and cultural interest. And food-wise, you go to these little mini malls that I used to think, ah, ugly town, you know. But no, no, no, you can appreciate the Indigenous family, authentic offerings that they have. And so we could go to Jalata.

We could go to, you know, this Thai place that was on his list. I have yet to go down the hundred, his last hundred of the list. But you know, Mousson and Franks, I like Mousson and Franks. I went the other way. You know, I do this with a couple of friends of mine,

Greg Daniels and Rodman Flender. We have a tradition where we find restaurants, Los Angeles restaurants, and the rule is they had to be in operation before we were born. And it took us to all these really interesting places downtown that have been around since the 40s or the 50s, or sometimes the 20s, and you'll find out, well, this is where the police detectives always eat,

and there's sawdust on the floor. But if you get there, you know, the pot roast is great. And there are kooky places that no one knows about. Sounds great. But I took my daughter last weekend. I took my daughter, Nev, down to downtown LA. We went to Little Tokyo, and we found this little Korean barbecue place.

And it was like a little hole in the wall. And we went in fantastic, just a great man. We brought a friend of hers, and she's very interested in Korean and Japanese culture. And so we went into all the little shops, and LA is really amazing that way. It's incredible. So maybe we'll do something like that, you and I.

Let's do Korean barbecue. There's a place called Suit Bull Jeep. Do you know Suit Bull Jeep? Yeah, you go there and you cook things. They cook things right on this little grill there. I say, I got the squid, and with a scissor, they come over with a big squid, and they start cutting off some of the legs like that.

And it was kind of great. I like all that stuff. Let's go, let's do some exploring. Because I have not gone out. And that's the one great thing about having kids. It must make you go, gee, let's, I need to expose them anyway to all sorts of things. And seeing it through their eyes is kind of delightful.

Well, enough with them. You get plenty of time with them. I see you and I go into a restaurant. No kids. Sounds good. They sound delightful, but mine either. They're not there either. It's just you and I.

It's a good idea. Night when there's no work the next day. Mousseau and Frank's. I asked, I asked, and no work the next day, really? Well, I'd like to just make sure that I have a clear schedule. Any time. Geez, this is sounding, I'm getting frightened. But I'm intrigued, strangely.

But I asked on the day that I worked with Jonathan Gold, I said, what do you think about Mousseau and Frank's? He said, yes, that's good. It's good, it's still good. Yeah, go there. And of course, the atmosphere is very nice. But you know, they have things on that menu, speaking of before we were born, like sherbet.

You never see, you know, you see sorbet these days, but sherbet they have. That was all over the, when we were kids. Sherbet was what you ate all the time. And then it just went away. Went away, or became Sorbet. I don't know what Sorbet, yeah. Yeah, it's like asbestos.

One of those fun things we have when we were kids that we're not allowed to enjoy anymore. Yeah, that's right. My parents smoked Chesterfield cigarettes, pack a day or something, you know, in the car. And yet the four of us in the car and, you know, smoke away. My mom chewed tobacco. She did not.

Okay, she didn't. It would have been fun if she did. Who was, who played the grandma? Who played on Beverly Hillbillies? Irene Ryan. That's exactly right. And what did she smoke? Oh, excuse me.

Can we all pause for a second? Can we all pause for a second? That was fucking fast. Yeah. Oh, it was me. It was great. Can you, I want someone, I want someone, an engineer to look at the time between,

I didn't know that was coming. The time between when he asked and when I answered. There was no time. It was like we were already thinking about it. Yeah, I said Irene Ryan. I answered it ahead of time. When's the last time you'd talked about or thought about Irene Ryan?

Probably a week ago. Oh. And I'm not kidding. It was very influenced by television as a child. I really appreciated those performers. She was amazing. Died before her, you know, her time really ahead of time. She died really as the series ended, I think.

And yeah, she was a, she was a young, she was much younger than she was playing. Yeah, she was a terrific, terrific actress. She was wonderful. But we'd never heard about her before then. I'm sure one could look her up and see that she was in. Irene Ryan, Beverly Hillbillies.

Beverly Hillbillies is a very funny, creative show. Oh yeah, Max Baer Jr. Max Baer Sr. was a heavyweight champion, of course. Buddy Ebson, I was riding down, driving, I think in the mid-70s when I first came to LA, riding down in La Ciena or something, who pulls up next to me? That's, Mr. Ebson, a friend was with me,

but I didn't have the authority or confidence to go. And I think I went, Mr. Ebson, and he didn't see me, and the friend kept ribbing me about that. Oh, Mr. Ebson. My greatest joy in life is, of course, Ellie May, Donna Douglas. Donna Douglas.

Sorry. The cement pond. I'm going out with the critters in the cement pond. She was fantastic. Yes, we could go on and on. Well, this hit right around my adolescence, as a matter of fact. You know what, really?

I said Gilligan's Island. Oh my God. You know what I was? I was into Mary Ann, much more than Ginger. I was into Ginger. No, I knew Ginger wouldn't give me the time of day, but I knew that Mary Ann would like me. Really?

And she would take me back in the coconut trees. I meant, you know, Ginger, it happened right around the time I was speaking of the story that we didn't tell. Right around, I was coming of an age with a... Oh my God. A age. Yeah, and she was one of my first, the first, in fact, stimulant into some new phase

in my maturity. You know, she's still with us and we could probably contact her. Well, listen to this. And let her know that she made you a man for the first time alone. She did indeed. Listen to this. She was, 20 years later, in my early 30s, maybe.

I did this show about jazz with Forrest Whitaker, where we played, it was called Lush Life. I played a Sideman, a sax. I pretended to play the saxophone. But I was a womanizer of some kind or another. And then we played a gig and I was supposed to get together with this lady, older lady, who I just met there. And we went up to an upstairs bathroom or bedroom

and had sex quickly. And a little scene happened between us. I had the part with the producers and the director. We auditioned several women, including Tina Louise. Oh my God. So you got to meet her. I got to meet her and we did the scene together, in which she had to sit on my lap and kind of coo.

And maybe we kissed her briefly, we did it. Isn't that crazy when we've had this experience? Because I've had the same experience where someone that I found very sexually stimulating and puberty. And you think, well, that would never. I'd never meet them. And then later on, you meet them and they hug you and they're affectionate.

It's very crazy when that happens. I had that with Farrah Fawcett. Oh, Farrah Fawcett. Yeah, yes, yes. Farrah Fawcett came on my show. And after the show, I went into the dressing room and she just said, well, I had a really great time. And the next thing I, she just hugged me.

She gave me a nice hug. And she was, and I was in a very small room hugging this woman who was the apple of my eye. And tender age. I know exactly. I met Farrah Fawcett. I was part of a band who was playing a cigar club in Beverly Hills on Cannon Drive.

She was there. And we found ourselves. Anyway, we shared an embrace. The police are coming. The police. Let's get out the window now. The police? I called them.

Sona called the police. This has been, I feel like there's an alternate universe where you and I do a podcast that I think lasts 800 hours. And food is brought in. And occasionally we sleep, but we're still a murmur. I like what we're doing. Yes, maybe that alternate universe is very close to this one. We can get there quick.

An absolute delight. And you know, I'll say this about Jeff Goblin as we sign off. He is what you think he is. He's one of the more authentic people I've come across. He really is Jeff Goblin. This is not an act. And it's delightful. I adore you.

Coming from you, high praise indeed. And I'll cherish this moment forever. I doubt it. I think you'll forget it very quickly, but still, it was a nice thing to say. It's true. Jeff Goblin. Conan O'Brien.

And now it's time for a segment called, Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Conan, Sona, this is an important moment. It's time to discuss the results of the latest drawing contest, the one we did as a blind drawing contest so that nobody was voting for or against a person but for the art itself. How do you guys feel about your results before I tell you? I've never been less nervous about anything in my life.

In my deepest, most sound REM sleep. Because I'm so confident. I am an artist. Oh my god. I think I feel completely unthreatened by Sona's cabin of dildos that she's inked. And I think that I'm going to win. I don't think I'm going to win.

I know I'm going to win. OK. Sona. Here's the thing. I didn't feel good about it when I drew it. I didn't feel good about it when I saw it this morning on Twitter. And if I was Conan, I would feel the same he is feeling

right now. I would feel very confident about his doodle. Also, you called yourself an artist, but you're really good at doodling. All you do is doodle. This calls for doodling, so I doodle. I know. I'm just saying.

If I was in a contest that required me to paint like Rembrandt, I would, because I always match the occasion. That's my ability. OK. No, I didn't feel good about this. You're right. My house looks like it was made of dildos, and everything just didn't work.

And I think I just want to, again, go to what comes to mind to me is that dildos would be a terrible building material for a cabin. Not that I know, not that I have a lot of experience, but I think they're wobbly. And it depends on what they're made out of. What? Aren't dildos wobbly?

Not all of them, I think. Some are strong. But wait. Gourly, what do you mean? Not all of them. This is just common knowledge. We really jumped in. Sorry.

Yeah, you did jump in, and you say, well, actually, that's a common misconception. No, I was not. There are many kinds of dildos. But I'm also considering. And they have many consistencies depending on your needs, said Gourly, why there's the IK35B-7. I'm casting my vote for Sona right now.

I'm considering that I think that though they look like dildos, they're made out of wood like a log cabin. So these are like George Washington-era dildos. Yeah. I think that I definitely cornered the dildo market. I think people who like dildos would like my cabin better. I think people who like drawing would like yours. Washington-era dildos, common misconception,

not made of wood, made of ivory. Oh, so you know a little something about dildos yourself. No, I know a lot about history. So ivory is common. God, I'm so wanting to throw this your way. I have the power to just reveal these results, Sona. Yeah, but the fact that you're gritting your teeth and you're frustrated, and you don't seem happy right now,

even though you want Sona to win, I'm a master at reading faces. I have won. I have won overwhelmingly. This isn't even close, you know? Yeah. This is like the Civil War battle of three forks. Or was it five forks?

Right in with your answer. The results of the second blind drawing contest of a log cabin with a smoking chimney and a lumberjack. Let's get to the part where I win. Excuse me. If people haven't tuned in, they need to know. OK, drawing two, Sona's, comes in at 18%. Drawing number one comes in at 82%.

18% to 82%. Hey, how are you feeling now, Goldwater? Do we even get that? There's so many young people that don't get that. Goldwater ran against Lyndon Johnson in 64. He was crushed at 82% to 18%. That's amazing. This is important.

There are 2,204 votes in. There are still 20 hours left in this poll. Yeah, sure. I don't feel good about it. We felt it was enough that we could call the election. It was like the Nixon lands. I prefer the Lyndon Johnson Goldwater example of 64. Or maybe it's just two people who doodled and one doodled

better. Yeah, one chose a cabinet. You know what, there's an old Bible passage that says, when you build your house upon the sand, you're going to fail. And I think you built your cabin upon dildos. You know what, I would never think to do this. But your hubris is so large right now

that I'm tempted to challenge you to a drawing contest. Do it. No, no, no. I don't think you can handle it. Well, first of all, Matt, I'm like a Western gunfighter. I can't fight every goofy hayseed who stumbles into town with a rusty six-shooter. Do you know what I mean?

You can if that person gets insulted and pulls a gun. Yeah, but your gun that you're going to pull, because you just got off the wagon, and you're like, gosh, there's Wild Bill Hickok. I think I'll take him on. And then you whip out this six-shooter that your pappy gave you. And it's all rusty, and the barrel falls off,

and all the pieces fall into the mud. And you go, oh, Mr. Hickok, can you come back here while I assemble my gun? And I'm already gone. I'm in the saloon. So no, I can't take the time to walk back and sift through the mud and help you put together your ancient p-shooter so that then we can stage a contest in which you're killed.

You're a coward. No, but you now. It's just like, huh, I bet I'm a better drawer than you, and then I'll beat you. And then you'll be like, wait a minute, I found a friend who's good at drawing. Let's get him in here, and now you'll draw against him. But what if you don't beat me?

Oh, god. This is just depressing. You're the worst winner. You're such a terrible person when you win. This is me. Deal with it. OK. You know what I'm doing?

I'm patterning myself after Trump. I really am. He has taught us that when you win, you just talk about it incessantly, and that's what I want. Well, then I'll be Trump by one that doodle off by a lot of votes. Yeah, and did you have Russia help you?

Yeah. I did get assistance from Russia. I got a lot of assistance from Russia. OK, we can do a, you and I, we'll do a drawing contest sometime down the line. But let's move on, because I do think there's important matters that we need to address. We have, I'm told, a massive amount of listeners

out there that are relying on us to guide them through this dark period in American history. So in this segment, we need to now go to something. Do you want to take a voicemail? Sure, I'll take a voicemail. OK. This isn't a question. Because somebody tells Stona to not say Freddie Mercury,

say Freddie Muir, Mercury. I know I just messed up. What the fuck? But still. She's had about 40 times in the Mark Mannan episode. Who did nobody else come in? What? Wait a minute.

Who's this guy's name? Did I pronounce Mercury wrong? He did. Do I still pronounce him wrong? No, there it was right. Mercury. No, there you did it wrong. Mercury.

No, no, Mercury. Mercury. Yeah, sometimes you go Mercury. Well, OK. OK. And you know what? Let's just back this whole thing up. First of all, I love that this guy is getting

on his last nerve. He heard you on one podcast, and he's ready to pull his hair out. I've been with you for 10. Calm down, bro. I've been with you for 10 years. You have tormented me with your actions. And this guy is complaining? OK.

Well, all right. OK. First of all, I didn't know I was saying the word wrong, but I also didn't know I pronounced my G's hard until you said it every single time I say a word that's like walking, talking, hangover. You go hangover. And I've tried to help you because I want you to assimilate

to this country. I was born in this country. But. We don't know for sure. Yes, we do. There are no records of your birth. There are. It's called the Birth Certificate.

It is the record of my birth, and it is from Monabello, California. I've asked your parents to prove. I asked your parents to produce records, and they shrugged. And then they handed over some leaves. And I said, those are leaves. Now, listen, I love them. They're great.

They're Armenian people are great. They are. And that, you know what? Going off of that, I was raised by immigrants. I was surrounded by immigrants. And a lot of the words I say are incorrect. And I used to say questions. I can't say the word brewery or prerequisite.

I can't say those words. There are a lot of things I say incorrectly. What was brewery? The place where they make beer. It's a brewery. A brewery. You can't do it? Say it again.

Brewery. Brewery? Can you say the English, the fine English clothing maker berbery? Can you say that? Berbery. Say I bought some berbery at the brewery. I bought some berbery because this sucks so hard.

Say I got some berbery. I bought berbery at the brewery. For Freddie Mercury. Yeah. I bought berbery at the brewery for Freddie Mercury. OK. You're having a total meltdown. This is so stupid.

Here's the thing, though. A lot of the words that I say incorrectly are because I was saturated with a lot of accents growing up, I think. It is true. Your parents have very thick accents. No. Well, my mom has a thicker accent.

And my dad came here in the 60s. He's fine. He's not that bad. But it's not just him. It's all my aunts and uncles. I speak three languages. So I can do that. What is his name?

What's this guy's name? First of all, fuck this guy. Yeah, that was I didn't like his tone. And I'm going to stick up for you. I did not like his tone at all. And if he were here, I would beat him within an inch of his life. Yes, thank you. But he's not here.

So we can only imagine the beating that he would have. Thank you for sticking up on my honor. No, I do stick up for you. You're my friend. I care about you. And I don't like someone being snide to you. What I do find interesting is that Freddie Mercury is one of your all time heroes.

You love Freddie Mercury. I do love him, sure. And it's so interesting that you would mispronounce his name of all names. Do you know what I mean? I didn't know I was mispronounced. Can you do you pronounce everything perfectly? I do, yes.

That's not true. I'm sorry. But I added this podcast and you say mortgage. Mortgage. Instead of what? Mortgage. I say what do you mean mortgage? You say I got to pay off my beach house mortgage.

Yeah, you know why I do that? Do you know why I do that? Do you know why I do that? No, I don't. I do it because it has a folksy charm. And I do it intentionally because if a celebrity says, I have to pay off my mortgage, then people say, what a dick? Who cares?

You're a celebrity. You probably have the money to pay it off. We don't want to hear about your problems. Probably with a supermodel right now, you know? But I always say, I got to pay off my mortgage. You never say it like I do. Like a sexy baby? No.

It's got a little bit of a Midwestern twang when I do it. Yeah, but you shimmied your shoulder's mortgage. I got to pay off my mortgage. It's got a little bit of the late Carol Channing in it. What I'm doing is I'm being folksy. Yeah, I do that intentionally. I am a master wordsmith. I'm a professional speaker of words.

And anytime you think that I'm mispronouncing something, there is an intention behind it. Even when you asked your parents to prepuce her birth certificate? Yeah, you mess that word up. No, that's actually that was a mini-stroke. That doesn't count as mispronouncing when you have a cerebral occlusion.

Now, back to Sona. Well, actually, can we continue on you for a second? Sure. Because you also came from a family that has a lot of accents. I don't think I have it. It creeps in. New England creeps in when you talk sometimes. Creeps in.

I hate that I'm mispronouncing words right now. But anyway, I think Sona should get a pass because the fact that you're speaking, which as well as you do, is a miracle. You've been here, whatever, six years, seven years. You came here nuts. I've been working for you for 10 years. OK.

You came to America. And no, this is a big. Remember the first day you came to work and you were frightened by the elevator? And I said, you said magic room took me to. And I was like, no, no, let's use the stairs. And we'll talk about that later. Those are all true facts.

But Sona, I am proud that I have been your tutor and your gateway to this wonderful country. I want this to end. Yeah. So yeah, I'm going to mispronounce words. And you can suck it, guy who loves his voicemail. I'm with you on that one. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sona Movesessian

and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sax and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts

and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.