Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Jim Gaffigan

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

Comedian Jim Gaffigan feels like Nikki Glaser felt about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Jim and Conan sit down to talk about showbiz friendships, the power of bragging, drinking options, and presidential endorsements. Later, Conan recalls an overreaction to a home emergency. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

My name is Jim Gaffigan and I feel like Nicky Glaser feels about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I don't remember how Nicky Glaser felt. Oh yeah, you do. You dirty man. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast that has swept the nation, much like Beatlemania did in 1963 in England and then 1964 in America. Come on. It's really such a great lie that it actually made it impossible for me to speak now. Yeah, you really shorted out.

I shorted out. Yeah. I shorted out because my own brain rebelled against what I was saying. But the podcast has been quite successful. We'll say that. Okay. Yeah. What do you mean?

No, it's cool. I get a lot of people who recognize my voice. I got a free sangria the other day at a bar because someone really liked the podcast. That's great because you need more alcohol in your life. Are you going to introduce me? I think people know because your voice is so recognizable. Why would I have to introduce you? I mean, you just said that your voice is like Siri.

Wherever you go, people know it's you. Is that what I said, like Siri, the Apple application that's in every single iPhone? So people paint the picture for us. Sonam Obsession, my assistant. Thank you. You'll be somewhere and you'll be using your voice and people will say, hey, I know that voice. You're on the Conan O'Brien podcast?

Yeah. But I've also been on the show so they could just recognize me. Most people say, hey, I like the podcast as opposed to, hey, I like those segments you do. Is that going to hurt your feelings? No, no, no. I'm not the kind of person that hears that a compliment and then picks out the little negative thing.

Okay. I don't do that. So you people say, oh, I like the podcast and then they don't mention the things you do on the show. They do too. They like everything and anything you've ever done in your career. Very good. And anything I'm associated with has been elevated because of your just sheer presence

next to me. Very good. And you've made my life so much better. Very good. Because you know what? This is a true phenomenon. People will come up and say something really sweet to me and then I'll think, stop now. Just stop now.

But they keep talking and then they'll get to, I mean, I hated, in 94, I fucking hated your face because you were so fucking cute, a fat face, but I really love you. And you're like, oh my God, you were so eloquent up top about how you enjoyed my work and I can see them struggling. Yeah. And then they go, hey, I remember. And I go, you know what? I should really go.

Fucking face, I hated your fucking face in 94. This person was eloquent. They were earlier and then suddenly they lose their eloquence. When they come up to me, they're like, excuse me, Conan, if you have a moment, then I do hope you do. I just find your combination of intelligence and self deprecating wit to be, well, it's so illuminating and refreshing in our modern times and, you know, your extensive knowledge, both of the antebellum south, of course, the post-World War two generation, quite a span

of historical. And then they go like, well, thank you very much. Oh yeah, one more thing. That's okay. I gotta go. I gotta get to the hospital. I'm late for my operation. No, hold on.

And they grab my arm. Your fucking face. I hate your fucking face in 94. That happens so often. They lose all. Well, Matt, I didn't introduce you properly. I know you're probably sensitive about that. Matt Gorley, producer of the show.

I got recognized the other day, too, but it was from a doctor and I was at a very, well, let's call him a specialist. Everything's fine, but it was considered very invasive and it's weird to have someone know you from something. Wait, well, tell the story. Well, just don't get right to it. What happened? Wait, Conan.

Yeah. No, that's all I need to say. No, that's all I need to say. Yeah. Well, then why did you bring it? Wait a minute. He brought it up. It's a safe environment.

No, it's not safe. This is a not safe environment. It's unsafe, yeah. Wait, so all what you're going to tell us is that you were in a doctor for a procedure and you were in a vulnerable situation. Well, just a general checkup. General checkup. A little more safe.

And the doctor while he was doing something? Right before. And then basically like, hey, I know you're from the show. He really enjoys it. Now let's get physical. Great doctor. Great guy. Well, why did he kiss you?

I'm just kissable, I guess. That's nice. So I'm glad that you got some. You get recognized occasionally? Sometimes. That's good. Good for you. I mean, the image you've projected of me is usually not what they expect, I think.

Do you think I've projected an inaccurate image? I know you have. I have not. Yeah, I have. You know, a tweed suit wearing a t-shirt on. What's that? That's the only tweed t-shirt I've ever seen in my life and it says, I voted for Dewey on it.

Dewey? Yeah. I do have people come up to me and say, you get bullied by him a lot and is he trying to turn you into another Jordan Slansky? That's what they say to me. I would never do that to you. First of all, you know that Jordan is not a real person. You are real.

I know there's a real person in there. I do. And I respect you and I admire you. One of those anyway. Yes, that's more than I expected. Yeah. And now you do a great job. And you know, I don't know what we're talking about now.

No. I don't either. I don't know where to go from there. Introduce who the guest is today. You think I should do that? Yeah. I think you should. It's a good guest.

Yeah. It's a really good guest. So you just don't want to tell anybody who it is? All I'll say is that this man is whiter than me and I didn't think that was possible. That's saying something. I think he may be dying. Where you're ultraviolet, he's like black light. Exactly.

I guess that's the same thing. No. I love this man. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's been coming on my show for over two decades. He created the animated series Pale Forest and starred in the autobiographical TV land series The Jim Gaffigan Show. If you haven't guessed who it is yet, then you're a complete idiot. His latest special quality time is available on Amazon Prime Video and you can also see

him in the new movie Troop Zero. I'm thrilled he's here with us today. Jim Gaffigan. You seem so weird. I think it's weird when adults are like, that's my best friend. You're like, come on man, aren't you 50? No, that's my best friend. We eat lunch together.

That's how people talk too. First of all, not everyone talks like that. Yeah, every single person. So you live with Cro Magnan, man. That's right. I know everybody. It is a strange thing. People saying, are you my friend, aren't we friends?

Because we are at a certain part of our life where we're rocketing towards the grave. I like to say rocketing towards the open maw. I'm skateboarding. You're skateboarding to the... Check this out. Have you discussed how the term friendship is rather absurd in the entertainment industry? Well, let's get into it. Yeah.

I am just so clueless. I don't understand that you develop relationships with people. This is my first time wearing headphones. But I can tell. So you know... Well, let's boil it down to this. You don't know how to establish friendships because you're empty inside. I think it's some of that.

Well, by the way, let's drift away from even the friendship thing. Can you believe any compliment you get in the entertainment industry? Can you? If it's positive, yes. If it's overwhelmingly positive, then I immediately think that has a grain of truth. If it's in any way negative, I think they're just jealous. And this is shot in front of me. No, but don't you...

I feel as though... There's a lot of people that are like, I'm a huge fan of yours. These are imaginary people. But no, if someone says I'm a huge fan of yours, my initial instinct is, no, you're not. I feel like Rob Lowe has fans, you know what I mean? I think comedians have like-minded people, and that's why I'm running for president. Because I have these principles, and I believe a woman can be a president. You know what?

A very controversial stance, especially on this show. I'm just going to go out on a limb, Sam, I'm for that. You're going to get a lot of anger, angry mail about that. I think that, yeah, you look at a Rob Lowe, and you think he won a genetic lottery. He doesn't look like the rest of us, so there's a reason that he is a celebrity, and I can see people being fans of this man who is the result of a divine birth, clearly, because his face is so perfect. And when you kiss him, it tastes like strawberries.

Well, I've not been as fortunate as you have tried. I've tried to do a little peck on the cheek, and that's sort of like a vanilla. That's like a vanilla flavor. But the lips is strawberries? You know, it's just like Rob Lowe, and kind of like, there's certain people that don't age at all. Like, you know Rob Lowe is 73 years old. Do you know that he fought in the Korean War?

He did. He fought valiantly in the Korean War and was grievously injured. He's 73 is what they list on his site. He could be as much as 80 years old. In the movie, It's a Wonderful Life, he played Zuzu of Zuzu's pedals. Zuzu's pedals? What? That's right.

Let's do our dueling. What? Mr. Gower, it's me, it's George Bailey. Hey, Mr. Walsh, you're not coming in the mall. What the hell was that? That was Mr. Martini. Yeah, but no one does Martini. Yeah, Mr. Walsh.

You don't do Martini, everyone does Jimmy Stewart from that movie. Hey, check it out. I'm giving it. And that's another thing. Where do you get off calling me, Nick? You do all the impressions from that movie that nobody does. I'll have a flaming rum punch. That tree is scarred.

Wait, who's that? He runs into the tree. No one does that guy. Well, that's your oldest tree in potters, though. You know what I've always wanted to do? Yeah. I always wanted to do, I talked to Dane about this, because he does a brilliant, Dana Carvey, he does a brilliant Jimmy Stewart, the best one, but I just always thought it

would be really funny if when they confront George Bailey at the Savings and Loan, and he's like, you got it all wrong. Your money's not here. No, no. And he tells them your money's in this person's house. But if instead he had been, he just said, no, your money's not here. No, no, no. I spent that money on cocaine.

I went to Ensenada and I had a four horse. That money's gone. Yeah, what was his relationship with Violet Blades? There was something going on. Something was going on. Right? Yeah. You know, like, she had to earn her keep.

Well, he was the pimp. That wasn't even our name, Violet. Yeah. He was like, hey, you know what? We're going to call you Violet from now on. You know what I mean? That's Jimmy Stewart? In the real life, that's how we talk.

Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Where's Zuzu's petals? Zuzu's petals. Zuzu's petals. That's another thing. I miss to my team.

All right. Listen. How about some wine? Let's do a show. Yes. Let's do a whole separate podcast where we do impressions from famous movies, but the parts that no one cares about. Right this way, table four.

Wait, what's that? When they're showing Peter Lorre his table in Casablanca. What? Yeah. There's a guy who says this way, table four. Right. And everyone's like, I didn't know that. Because everyone else knows, like, eh, play it again, sham, you know, whatever.

You know? You love work, Coman. You love to work. You love to create. That's your fulfilling thing. I can't help but create. Right. You're a creative machine.

Well, I wouldn't say machine, I'd say organism, a Picasso, a Molière. There's certain people that just create because they have to. Right. I make that noise when I'm becoming incredibly pretentious. That's, how can I explain this to dumb people this? Is it? Yes. All right.

I am what you call a god among men. What the proletariat refer to? I don't know where that you would want to use. Cohen Cobb eating Cretan. What are your, what's something you want to do that a lot of people don't know, Conan? Oh, wow. I love this. When you lower your tone, I feel like I must obey you.

Just hear what is on the inside. This is very right now. What's going on? You're getting to the real stuff of it now, aren't you? What's going on inside? Who's the new Barbara Walters? I don't know. Is there one?

There's too much. It used to be one person interviewed everybody and it was Barbara Walters. She interviewed. Then it was Oprah, right? Yeah, there was, when we were kids, Barbara Walters, Johnny Carson never did an interview and then Barbara Walters said, you know, if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be? And people would start crying. Yeah, and people would cry immediately.

But we don't, I don't think we have that anymore. I don't know. I guess maybe what you're implying is that, well, I am. Yes, I think you could do that. I could do that. That's very interesting. That's your question. You are, I've been familiar with your work for a very long time.

You've appeared on my show thousands of times. Yes. Four of them, quite good. I will say this, you were money in the bank. You're always hilariously funny. You are more prolific, I think, than any stand-up comedian I know. Every time, you used to come on our show quite often and you would always have completely new material. And I thought, I don't think there's anyone like Jim Gavigan that comes to just coming up with, well, it's true.

Yeah, thank you. Well, I'm just trying to get my dad to like me. And maybe if I do that, maybe then he'll, he's dead. It's too late. No. No, I think you can still look down from heaven. Or. Or.

Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, no, I feel like, I love, you know, that's why I asked you about creating. I feel, you know, there's, along this journey, it's like, it is the buzz of coming up with a comic idea. Or like, you know, you know, the moments like we just had out there talking with Andy. Right, you just did the show. And that's, that's, that's, but you get that hit every night.

It's what you kind of enjoy. Like, you know, the Conan without borders, there's something, I'm sure the wear and tear is not ideal. I'm sure that there's no monetary incentive. It's a strange kind of buzz that you get from doing that and fulfilling a certain intellectual curiosity. Yeah, yeah. And you can go there and you can have sex with strangers, but others than that. Or try to. Try to.

Dead strangers, by the way, of course. When you're turned down by a dead stranger, it's a new love. I almost got there with that dead person. But then they weren't interested. No, we do those travel shows. I absolutely love them. And there's no, you know, you could say like, what's the rational, there's not a game plan. There's not like, hey, so go on, what are you doing there with?

Yeah, I see what you're doing. You do enough of the corner without borders and then you pivot over to this. Like, no, there's nothing. There's really nothing. This is just. Yeah, people don't realize it. This is just, yeah, people don't realize how half-assed our careers are. Well, or that there's some plans.

So like, I've, you know, been lucky enough to appear in some movies. People are like, so you done with stand up? I'm like, no, that's, it's not some grand plan. Like, I'm just going to do stand up for 30 years, get a certain level of skill, and then I'm tossing it away when I get some acting roles. Like, why would someone even pursue that? You know what, I think some people do that. And those are people, and I will not name names, but people that aren't.

I don't think they. Bob Hope. Let's tear him a new one. No, I think there are people who they get in to stand up, but it's not the dream. They're in stand up, and then that gets them into movies. And then the minute they're in the world of movies, they're not interested in doing stand up again. Because stand up is really hard.

You are different in that you thrive on stand up. You're doing stand up all the time. It's who you are. You'll be doing it. Yeah. You know, when, when you've got a year left to live in three years, you'll be doing it, you know? And I'm just putting it out there that you don't have long.

No, I don't. I don't have long. And I, but I do think that that's something that you gravitate. You want to do that. And it is not about once I get into movies, you'll never see me in a club again. Because I do think that there are a lot of people who fit that bill. Yeah, I guess there are. But I think there's, there's a surprising amount of comedians that kind of have to do it.

Yeah. Like I think, you know, even when in between NBC and TBS, it's like you, you know, I wasn't in communication with you, but you had this itch that had to be, you know, Oh yeah, we did the tour. Yeah. Well, some of that was syphilis. But like you had, no, but you had an itch where you were, you know, there's the performing, there's the writing.

Yeah. You know, there is the probably very similar to a drug. Like in 20 years, they're going to be like these addicts in the entertainment industry, addicts of approval, and they should all go into recovery. Well, I just, first of all, what you're bringing up is a, I think very true because if I'm on, we just finished a two and a half week break. And at the end of the two and a half weeks, I was at the kitchen table and my wife said something very sane and normal.

And I don't even know what I said, but I was like, yeah, well, yeah, cut that in half and you get twice what done. And she said, go back to work. Yeah. And she was not, she just wasn't interested in that guy. That guy needs to live in Warner Brothers and it needs to be surrounded by people who are paid to tolerate it. But she doesn't want me there.

I've talked to Jerry Seinfeld about this name drop, name drop. No, but Jerry is like, he's worth more than Bill Gates at this point. And he's, he's still like, what about this line? Should I do this line? Should I do this? All right. If you had to choose between, would you rather be on the mass singer? Right. Or do the lip sync contest show where you like the highly produced lip sync show or give

Trump a bath? What would you? I'm going to go with mass singer. Mass singer. I would do mass singer. I would have an elaborate mask. And, but I would always, I would only do really old songs from like the 30s. And that, so I'd come out and I'd be wearing this exotic.

I don't even know they're singing. They're wearing a mask. I know, but I'm going to sing it. And I'm going to, I'm going to have this like insane exotic mask. And I'm going to go button up your overcoat when the wind blows free. Take good care of yourself. You belong to me. Audio, audio.

Eat an apple every day by who being bad by three. And then the judges will be like, I think that's Taylor Swift. But there is, by the way, I haven't seen the mass singer. I probably, if I watch it, if I watch it, I'd probably fall in love with it. I haven't seen lip sync. Who does lip sync? I don't know. I just see the clips.

They're like, you're not going to believe this celebrity. Lip sync battle. Hello Cool J. It's Hello Cool J and Chrissy Teigen. Oh yeah. Right. Right. Of course.

I've watched all of them. Yes. Oh. Look at that. Dame Judy Dench. Let's take a break. More with Jim Gaffigan after these messages. And we're back.

How did you enjoy the break? I am back here with Jim Gaffigan who has blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now what about, now what is your attitude about doing? I like how you ask questions. That's good. No one else has done that. Keep going. What about doing press?

How do you, like do you, do you have a publicist? You have, the show has a publicist. We, yeah, the show, I mean, I do. I have a publicist there in New York and, but it's not, I've been around so long. It's not like I constantly need to be drumming up, you know, let's get some hot, more ink. Right. On this Conan O'Brien guy. So I would say that, but every now and then when we're doing something, yeah.

You need to, you need a publicist. Isn't it amazing as you've, as you go along your career in the entertainment industry, things that seem so impressive and alluring. Once you get there, you look behind the curtain and it is Wizard of Oz and you're like, oh, really? I thought this would be cool, but it's not. Do you feel that way? I was backstage in an award show and the big thing they were trying to do was reunite the

three Charlie's Angels. I think it was the three original Charlie's Angels. This is when Farrah Fawcett was still alive. And so it was like Farrah Fawcett and help me. Jacqueline Smith. Jacqueline Smith and Kate McKinnon. Kate McKinnon. Kate McKinnon.

That's right. Time traveling, Kate McKinnon. Kate Jackson. Kate Jackson. Kate Jackson. Very good. Kate Jackson. And so they were trying to get them going and there was some kind of rift and it wasn't

clear that I think it was like, well, Jacqueline Smith isn't going to go out on stage with them or something like that. But I know that there were three Angels backstage, but one of them wasn't going to go out and it wasn't clear she was going to go out. And it was a big show. It was like the Emmys or something and there was a lot of hubbub backstage intention. What's going to happen? What's going to happen?

And all of a sudden I'm backstage and there's a guy there with a walkie-talkie and he just goes like, we don't know. Yeah, she's not coming. She's not coming. And then he said, he saw Jacqueline Smith walking towards the area where they were all going to be together. And he said, I got a third angel walking. Third angel walking.

And then I heard that repeated on all the microphones. Third angel walking. Third angel walking. And then you look at TV and just this gold curtain separates. The three Angels come out, all arms around each other, all love, all yay. And everyone went yay. It's the three Angels. And I was thinking, this almost didn't happen for no reason.

And then it did. This is not an accurate portrayal of the business. You know what I think is really interesting is I presented at the country, the CMAs. Yeah, country music awards. And I'm not that knowledgeable about country music, but the sense of community in country music. There's politics and hierarchy and stuff like that, but everyone was there. Their opening number had Dolly Parton, the inventor of the guitar.

They had everyone. William H. Guitar. You know, Reba McIntyre. There was no drama. There was Casey Musgraves or whatever. It was all known was like, I'm the queen bee. It was all, everyone was there. There was a certain respect and a peer respect that shared that I thought was really fascinating.

And then I made fun of it. But then I was really impressed. But you know, I think country music is famous for, there's like this humility. They take their humility seriously. And if you think about modern pop music, it's almost about not being humble. It is so, like, I remember when the bragging really started occurring. I was like, well, this is not sustainable, like people bragging, like, I'm the king of everything.

Like, I'm like, this is going to backfire, right? And it is, it's a way in by saying, I'm the best, I'm this, I'm that. And it's consistent. It works within the Americans. Here's how things have changed. Did you ever watch the show, My Super Sweet 16? I know, it's like, hasn't been on for like 10 years, right? But it was a show where there was a reality show, they would follow this 16 year old girl

who was always very wealthy, who was having her Super Sweet 16. And it would, I remember one episode started with she had a knight in shining armor ride to her high school and hand out invitations to some people, but not other people, you know. And people who got the invitations were crying and cheering. And people who didn't get the invitations were inconsolable. And I was watching this and I was thinking, if this had happened at my high school in 1980 or 1979, if I had had a knight in shining armor ride to the school to dispense invitations

to some people and not others, the knight would be killed immediately. Well, you would be ridiculed and you'd be ridiculed. Yes, and I'd be ridiculed and I would be an outcast and it'd be a dead knight in the center of the bookline high school courtyard. You just didn't do that shit. And this was this whole, the culture flipped where it's yay, I got invited. And then at the end of the show, it always ended the same way. The girl has like a giant party.

She has someone DJ or rapping at their party. But then it's always was a white brand new Land Rover or BMW SUV or Mercedes SUV with a giant red ribbon on it would be presented to her and all of her friends were cheering as if it happened to them. And I was like, I would be, I would be shred, they would release wolves and I would be shredded and then the car, they would take pipes to the car. They would just destroy the car and smash it. And then in thick Boston accents, they say, would you fucking call now there?

Yeah. Would you call now there, pal? But where did, you know, I don't know what, something, something, you know, here's what I think it is. Here's some, I believe that the big cultural shift was when dynasty got on air. I'm serious. I've always said materialism was rewarded. Even prior to that, dynasty is the root cause of all economic disparity in this country.

Prior to then, you could be a CEO, but you wouldn't have like, you'd be like making 200 and the average worker would be making 30. Dynasty started, now CEOs get packages of $300 million. You know what? It's all tied back to dynasty. Yes. And you know, I'll tell you something else that you bring up when you bring up dynasty. And this is something that used to be ubiquitous on TV.

I grew up watching this on TV and I'm mad that it hasn't happened to me in real life. I'm going to come home tonight and I'm going to walk through my front door and I'm going to say hello to my wife and I'll try to get my kid's attention. They'll be, you know, not ignoring me, but what I want is to walk in and say hello to my wife. And as I'm saying hi to her, I want to walk to the center of the room and there's a crystal decanter there and I take off the top and I pour an amber liquid. But I don't even know what it is into a glass and I drink and I realize that that's how

I grew up seeing that all the time on shows like Dynasty, on Dallas. Every single show, every show of the 60s, every single show people walked in and I would just come in and it's like, I would just come in and go like, hello Jim, good to see you. And I would take the top off, pour an amber liquid and start drinking alcohol. It didn't matter what time of day it was. Yes. I want that. It was a bad meeting, I need a drink.

Yes, but I don't have that. I don't have that. I've always wanted that and I don't know why I want it, but I've always wanted it to be an amber liquid. Obviously, I don't drink scotch and whiskey. Now, do you drink? I drink wine. I'm not a booze drinker, but I want to have...

I mean, you're all about the edibles. I know that. You got the wrong guy. She's right over there, by the way. How often do you... I never do drugs. In college, did you ever get drunk? You must have been drunk before.

I didn't drink at all until I was 26. Really? And I worked on the Harvard Lampoon, which is basically an organization founded by and for alcoholics. I mean, everybody was a hardcore... Yeah, by the way, I mean, you're obviously much older and you look much older than me. But my college years, it was all about overconsumption of alcohol. But that's true.

That's still true, I think, for a lot of causes. I never drank. I don't think it is. No? You don't think so? You don't think they drink anymore? I don't think it is. Sona, do you think they're still drinking a lot in college?

I'm going to agree with Jim. I don't think that people drink the way they used to, to the point of when they used to go unconscious. I think younger people are smarter. Yeah. I think they're getting high a lot more. You know what? There's also more...

Yes. Yeah. There's more options. You know, I think it used to be get drunk or don't get drunk. And now there's just so many other options. And it was also, I think it was like getting blackout drunk, maybe this is me rationalizing, getting blackout drunk was not a source of embarrassment. It was like, uh-oh, oh well, you know, and today people will be like, you should go to

rehab. Do you know what I mean? Right. I think like when I was in college, people were like, yeah, that was a good weekend. But I think now it's like, no, that's, you're dealing with issues that you're... That kind of thing. Whenever you do an impression of someone telling the truth, like their voice gets very quiet. I try not to do that.

Sometimes I do that, and sometimes I don't. Yeah. Now it's gone. You, uh, I don't know, I can't speak to what the kids are up to on their college campuses with their raccoon coats and their Stutz Bear Cacks and their Prohibition Liquor playing those bongos. I don't know. But I'm surprised.

Do you, I also don't smoke, but I wish I had a really cool cigarette case, a flat cigarette case, and I wish that I could smoke, but none of the smoke would go into my lungs. I wish they made a cigarette. And I, neither of your parents drank or smoked. No. I grew up in a completely dry home. Smoking? No, they didn't smoke either?

No, my dad's a doctor. No smoking. Wow. No smoking. No drinking. No discussions of sex. No photos of sex. No nudity.

Did anyone raise their voice? Uh, that would be... There was... You could raise your voice if you were being funny, but you couldn't say, hey, what the fuck? What was that all about? You didn't confront anybody about anything. What you did was, uh, sort of look at them in a caustic way and then go and find other

people and talk shit about that person. But you didn't confront people. You weren't honest about your emotions. And your grandparents. We don't know. No, my, my grandparents, no, they did not drink. My grandparents didn't drink. They did not.

No. Well, you know, it's interesting. You know, because I came from this culture that was so afraid of alcoholism for good reason. Yeah. Uh, let's just not have that. Well, you know, supposedly in Ireland, the percentage of people that consume alcohol is smallest in all of Europe, but the people that do drink, drink a lot.

Yeah. There's only four people in Ireland that drink, but they drink so much. Yeah. That's, uh, I think it's true. It's a, it's a genetic problem. Yeah. No, it's there. And also, I think there's a lot of mental illness in Ireland.

And that's why you self-medicate. Yeah. Do you drink? I drink occasionally. I can't drink like I used to. I mean, I still drink through my mouth. It just comes out of me. I just can't help it.

How does he do it? I don't know. I don't know how I do it. No, but I, um, I go through, you know, like, you know, like I was saying on the show tonight, it's like, I'm a fat guy. And I wasn't like, when I first started doing, uh, your show, I was not a fat guy. And so like, there is like, I feel like I, you know, I medicate with food. And you know, obviously, you know, some of it is why I'm gaining weight is I don't want

to just be known as a piece of sexy ass. You know what I mean? Right. You don't want, you don't want people coming on to you all the time. Right. I don't need that. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh my gosh, can I just touch you?

You know, stuff like that, which I still get. I mean, they don't say it out loud. You and I are in that rare club of men that are objectified by women and women feel comfortable putting their hands on us, right? On our fronts and our backs and our, on nerds. Yeah. And they, they want, well, Sony, you've been around me when I, when, when women are around and they just lose it.

They just lose it. Uh, no, that does not happen. I'm so sorry. Was I supposed to play along? No. That does not happen. No. You're supposed to tell the truth.

I have often, and this is the thing, and few people know what this is like. Jim knows. I know. Jim knows and I know. And so I can't explain it to you, but men want to be us. Women want to be with us. Right. Some men.

Or some women so badly want to be with me, they will, they'll look at me in the walk of wind and sometimes they'll start jogging or sprinting. Right. I have that. I have that. That's the common reaction. I get it. I've had women like, I was dating a woman who was so into me, she was so into me, she

had to break up and start dating women. She was so into me. Right. Do you know what I mean? I get it. But like that's just. I get it. This is what we.

That's just a charisma thing. And I said, Hey, can we just hang out? And she was so nervous and flustered, she started laughing and she started saying, you're gross, which obviously she didn't mean. Right. And you know, it was just like, because I'm a feminist. So I understood. Right.

That, you know. You know what it is? She didn't want to fly too close to the sun. She did. She did not want her wax wings to melt. So then you get, and this is what I get a lot too, is no, this is before I got married and in my attempts to hook up after I've been married. I've had women tell me, think about you makes me dry, which when you think about it is such

a come on. Well, it's great. Particularly if you're like, if you just got out of the pool, you know what I mean? And you want to be dry. Yeah. That's how they mean it. Right. They usually say that to you.

But you know what's interesting is like we both are the self deprecations, very, very important element, isn't it? It's an effective tool to communicate self-awareness, which I think people appreciate. And it's a great way to lie, particularly when you're as well endowed. I'm talking about gut. Keep your head out of the gutter. I'm endowed with a huge gut. And but a lot of people don't know gut stands for good under tummy.

Really? A lot of people don't know that. So when you say I've got a large gut, it means it's a large gut, a large area under your tummy. Like if you've seen, if you, I monitor a lot of female yoga classes, you know, just research, you know, because I'm big into like Buddhism. And they let you, you just sit in? Well, not tech.

I mean, I'm not videotaping, you know what I mean? I'm in like, you know, there's the mirror. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on the other side of the mirror. Okay. And do the people that run the yoga place know that you're on the other side of the mirror? Well, they rented the room.

Do you know what I mean? And it's, they can't tell it's me. I'm in like a Batman costume. So it's like, I'm in the other room. And just, you know, organizing my, my oils and liquids. Sure. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. And you're, and you're filming them. I'm filming, but you know, do you see boyhood? It's kind of like boyhood. It's like, I want people to like, if I videotape someone and then later on I meet them like, you know, we've known each other for a while. You know, I've done that before. Right.

And they say, I don't think we've met. And then you say, no, I have hours of film. Has anyone ever gotten arrested for being on the podcast? They're trying. They're trying. You know what? If this were being broadcast at this moment, they would be, they would hear them coming up the stairs.

They'd come and they'd get us. Have you ever endorsed a presidential candidate? I don't believe I have, no. And do you? I do it much later on. Like I endorse Lincoln. Like when someone wins. Yeah.

No, like years and years after it turned out to be a good idea. I think Truman was a good pick. He ended up being a good president. So yes, I endorse him now. I endorse Lincoln now, but I don't do it. I don't think, first of all, I don't think anyone cares what my opinion is. Yeah. I can confirm it.

When it comes to podcasts. Okay. But would you ever, but like, don't you think like Al Franken, you could do it. You could be a senator, don't you think? Do you think what? Do I? Could I could be a senator? I think you could.

Well, I guess suppose this is a good time as any to find out. I just think to be, aren't they just going to look at hundreds of thousands of hours of me acting like a clown and say, this man can't hold office or does that not make any sense anymore? We passed that. I don't know. I don't know. It might help you.

Then I'm in. I think, I think we did it. We did it. I'm very proud of this. Remember the McLaughlin group? What happened on that show? You know, where did that come from? I don't know.

I was just thinking about it. This kind of feels like a McLaughlin group right now. What is that? Oh, we're so sorry. You're too old to know. You're too old to know. It was a group that debated the news, the issues of the day. It had a lot of diversity.

There was old white guys and then there were some older white guys. There was a white woman. But then there was one really old white guy, but they were all kind of grumpy. That was what diversity was back in the day. That was. Yeah. Different kinds of ages of white was a diverse show back then. Like if you look at a Benetton ad from the 70s, it's all just white, different white

people. It's white people with makeup on. So I was surprised today when you were like, oh, no female director got nominated for an Academy Award. Oh, this is on the show. I have to specify. No, when we were talking before and you were like, oh good, no broad got nominated. Yeah, that's how I talk.

That was strange. You were like, oh good, no broad, they should be back in the kitchen. What did you mean by that? What I meant is that I was smoking my cigar and you told me that no broads got nominated. I said no broads got nominated and I went, no broads got nominated. This is a terrible slander. What you're saying right now. That's very far from my character and I think you know it and I think you should apologize.

You know what? I'll contemplate it. How about there's people that can't apologize. You can apologize, right? That was a thing in shows like with the guy, I apologize, do you know what I mean? Like I think the fonts couldn't apologize. Oh, the fonts. He couldn't say he was, I think he couldn't say, he couldn't say he was wrong.

The fonts, right? Yeah. Or I'm sorry, he couldn't do it. He was too cool. His office was the men's room. Yes. He obviously was selling blow jobs. Wait, a guy's selling blow jobs?

Well, that's a fantastic, that's a small business, small town business, right? That's part of the American Express small business we get. You have five children. I know. Can you believe that? And you're one of six? I'm one of six. Because I'm one of six.

What number are you? I'm third. I'm the youngest. And then my wife, I just, at first I thought. From Seattle? From Seattle. I thought there was maybe, I just didn't know. We didn't talk about it.

I just thought, and then after we had two, she said, you're never just touch me again. And that's, that's, that's code for don't touch me again. That's double talk. That's double speaking. Yeah, but so do you, would you, obviously it's a negotiation and we're all frightened of women. But what, would you have wanted more children? I'm happy.

I'm very, I love my kids, uh, shocker. I love my children. Okay, that's, we'll, we'll run that. Now answer the question, honestly. Um, no, but like, what about your siblings? Uh, did they, any of them have five or six kids? No one had that many kids. No.

Nobody did that. No. Well, nobody, because you're not supposed to, right? Well, but you did. I did. I did. Five. And these children are killing me.

They're slowly draining the life from me. And I hope when I pass away in like a week, by the way, in a week, I'm like, yeah, um, that they'll listen to this and know that it was their fault. I've always wanted to be found by, when I'm die, people say, do you want to be cremated or do you want to be, and I've always wanted to be put in a field and found, you know, because I just thought that would be so dramatic. It'll be so funny. Like you die and you're one request is like, you'd want to be like found in a field, like

so some innocent person's jogging. Yes. Yes. That's so horrible. No. And I want, I asked Sona to take care of Sona. I've said two things. Don't let them bury me in LA.

Yeah. You have. And, uh, and I also want to be dragged out into a field so that someone discovers me and then detectives are standing over me and doing that. I've always wanted that. That's so funny. I want to be found because that's going to be a real shock to whoever finds me. Right.

And then I will live on through that person's shock. Well, the good thing is, is when you're as pale as us, you and I are very pale. We already kind of look like the dead look is going to be the same as what we look like right now. Most times. It's like, oh my God, the blood. Oh, no, that's just. Most times.

Yeah. Most times I have like a long nap when I wake up. They're trying to embalm me. Right. They're, they're trying to embalm me and they're picking out and I'm like, no, it was a nap. It was a nap. You and I, we joke about this a lot. We are shockingly white.

Yeah. And, uh, uh, it's just, you know. It's a curse. It is. There's no good, there's no good to being like, we're not supposed to be on this planet. No, no. We're not, we're in daylight. You know what I mean?

No. No. My dermatologist. What about your kids? Um, they have, I don't know, we're also. Any redheads or no? No, no redheads, but my, they have, uh, my wife's skin, which is a little, my darker. And then, whoever she had sex with, there.

How dare you. How'd you laugh so hard? He laughed so hard. Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gavigan just laid himself laugh so hard that his headphones flew off. It looked like he got shot in the head. It looked like there's a fruter film. I was insane.

You want to know how Jim Gavigan, how fat Jim Gavigan is? His headphones didn't fit. Like, they literally had to get the extender. That's not that rare to have to have this extender on my headphones. It's not an extender. It's we. You glued three pairs together. We took six headphones when we cut out sections and we glued them all together.

And then I added my belt. But you know what, you look good. I think you look good. I think you're fine. I'm fine. That's right. So, yeah, no, the pilliness thing is not great. Yeah.

I wish I had, I wish I was a very dark-skinned Spanish man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I worked in like a small but respected tapas place. Really? Yeah. Like, and, but it's not super popular, so I don't have to work that hard, but it's

respected. Right. You know, but the thing about tapas, you know, let's, hey, we're too pale. Let's talk about tapas, you know, and I have shows in Spain coming up and I love performing in Spain. We all know. Is the tapas, they're kind of out all day. Yes.

I'm not a fan of that. No. Like, they make them all around 10 a.m. and then you're like, you're like, hey, didn't I see those six hours ago and they're like, yeah, and you're like, I don't want that. I don't want that. How many times are you going back to the same tapas place? Well, I do. At 10 a.m.

I go to a lot of them. I go to a lot of them. It's just clear now. I'm just doing the reconstructive surgery on this story. Yeah. You were at the tapas place at 10. You went back at 12. No, but then you were back at four.

No, but it's like, it's just out there. Like, no sneeze guard, you know, it's, come on. I don't want that. And just say it's flan. I don't, I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like that. A lot of hamon over in Espana, but a lot of hamon.

Have you done a conan without borders in Espana? No. Well, we're going to, we have plans to do it, would you like to do a conan without borders? Spanish, so you might as well take me. What are you talking about? Well, I'm part Spanish. That's not true. Well, I like Spanish rice.

Okay. I think we've, you know, I know, oh, you have a, it's one of the first guests to say, I got to go. All right. You're doing that one, then I got to go. Where do you got to go? I've got a movie premiere. It's called Troop Zero.

Oh. I'm working with two fantastic young up-and-comers. One of them's called Viola Davis, I don't know if you've ever heard of her. An Alice and Janney. Wow. I think they've got some problems. Incredible talent. And McKenna Grace, who's has more success by the age of 13 than I ever will achieve

in my career. And a bunch of other kids, but it's a great movie. It's about oddballs that kind of find their way to be themselves. You're getting quiet again. Earlier you were saying that before we started taping, you were saying that you think that women shouldn't work. What did you mean by that? Well, you know me and my beliefs.

I have very strong beliefs. Or if they're working, it should be work in the bedroom. My gosh. Right. You know what I love? The rule of improv is to say yes, and so I love that you just lay out horrible things that I said. Dude, I'm going to blame it on my munch, Janney, drink, and that's pretty funny.

And then it's my job to go yes, and so earlier you said you killed a bunch of teenagers back in the late 80s. What did you mean by that? Well, yes, and they tried to escape, but I didn't let them. And now they're in a well. You're a monster. I am a monster. Well, you're a good guy.

This has been fun. I'm glad you had a good time. Hopefully this is, you know, I guess I'll find out. It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. I think, what do you guys think? Do you think we've got a good one here? It's great.

I haven't had that much fun in a long time. Well, you have a set. I don't believe them, but go on. Okay. I'll take it back. You're a very funny man. Thank you. You're very talented, and I've known you for a very long time, and I always like to see

how your brain works. You're a very unusual fellow. Oh, thank you. And I mean that in the nicest way. Thank you. And I won't tell anyone how much you disrespect women. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you for keeping that under your hat. It's only funny because it would never be true. Right? Right? Right, Sonna? What's that? Wait, what? I'm sorry, what?

Were you looking at your phone? I was. I was checking to see what time it was. No, you would never disrespect women. Except unless they were doing a podcast, looking at their phone. Yeah, except unless they're your assistant. She was playing solitaire, too. Never solitaire.

God bless you, Jim. Thank you. Thanks, you guys. You know, as we do this podcast, I think people are really getting to know you, Sonna. Yeah, I think so. And it's nice. I think they're getting to know the real you. So every now and then, I like to bring people up to date on what it's like to be around

you, particularly your family. Yes. So just literally three days ago, I'm with Sonna and we're running an errand and we're in sort of the Koreatown area of Los Angeles. Yes. The errand is I had to go and get some eyeglasses. So we went into this store that we like in Koreatown and I go inside and you were making sure that my car was in the right spot in the lot.

You said, I'll be right in. So I came in and then you came in and you were looking at your phone and you were all flustered. I said, what happened? You said, oh, someone tried to break into our house. And this is your new house that you and your husband, Tak, bought. You've kind of partially moved in, but not all the way. And you said, someone tried to break in and I said, oh my God, that's terrible.

And the person who's selling us the frames was like, that's terrible. So we both drop what we're doing. We make it all about you. What's going on? You're like, someone tried to break in. Someone tried to smash the door. I'm like, oh my God, that's awful. And then you suddenly you're saying your phone just lights up and it's your dad.

He's headed over there. He's headed over there right now. Immediately. Immediately. Then your uncle, who? No, my tax step dad. Tax step dad. So dropped everything and went to the house.

Immediately people are quitting their job. All the sheriff. Yeah. Armenians within a 600 mile radius are all dropping whatever they're doing. Like an Armenian surgeon stopped midway through heart replacement surgery, dropped his scalpel and said, someone tried to break into Sona and Tax House and ran out of the emergency room. Yeah.

The patient did not make it. And you know, planes are landing. Just madness. It's crazy. Absolute madness. And your phone just keeps lighting up. So suddenly it's not about me buying my glasses, which is appropriate. This is much more important.

You're really rattled. Then you say like, oh, my husband, my husband just called. He says, I'm buying a gun. And I said, what? And he said, if people are smashing into our house, I'm buying a gun. And I'm shouting to your husband, who I love, by the way, and who's a sensible man. Yes. I shout to him over the, he's like, tax, you're not getting a gun.

Yeah. And he's shouting back. I'm going to get a gun. I want a shotgun. I want to take my family, so all of this is happening, craziness, absolute craziness. Eventually I buy my sunglass or sunglass and eyeglass frames and, you know, pay for it. And we leave and I would say now about like 40 minutes has gone by and we are getting into my car and we get in the car and I'm in the driver's seat and you're in the passenger

side and they go like, so, Sona, what about your house? I mean, what about your house? And you went, no one tried to break in. What? And I said, what? And she said, no, I'm pretty sure no one tried to break in. And I went, what? And she said, well, someone took, someone came by who was like going to clean the house and

thought that someone was going to break in. But I don't think so. I think maybe just someone had a little trouble getting the key in and then you proceed. I said, what do you mean? What does the door look like? And she said, well, here's a picture that like my husband took of it and you show me a picture and it's a completely normal looking door handle, the completely normal. Listen to this, girly, a completely normal looking door handle with key.

And you know, sometimes we go to put our key in and occasionally the key slightly misses the slot and makes a little tiny bit of a scratch next to the keyhole. There's three of those on either side of this door handle. It's from the 1960s. So of course it's actually the nicest looking door handle I've seen in fucking memory. Were those scratches already there? Yes. Yes.

And so it went from, and I said, no, not only did no one try to break in, I think someone jumped your hedge, came up and polished your door handle. That's what I think happened. And meanwhile there are 45 Los Angeles Armenians crawling around the house, shotguns are being purchased, lambs are being butchered for no reason and cooked. They've already printed shirts that say Team Sona. Yeah, exactly. They started a GoFundMe for missing items.

Fifteen strangers in the neighborhood were wrestled to the ground and imprisoned in a wooden cage. What the hell? It escalated very quickly and then de-escalated just as quickly. I love it, it went from, oh my god, madness, missiles are being launched to me getting in the car and wanting to be supportive and saying, almost like, Sona, do you need me to, I'll drive over there with you if you don't feel, you know, immediately to, oh, no one broke in.

Do you like that you have that at your disposal or is that a burden? I want, I should say I don't like it, but I love it. She has an army. She has an army at her command. Yeah. Because, you know, most people would have to be, I have to leave, I have to go to my house, but instead I was like, let me just call one of 30 people that could go to our house right now and check on it.

A no-call, a no-call. Yeah. First of all, all you have to do is call your dad or your mom and suddenly people you don't even know are being alerted. People who are in the middle of a mustache waxing are being awakened from a deep sleep in their barber's chair and they're getting on a pony and riding over to your house. It's craziness. They have watches that have a signal that go off.

Yeah. I was getting texts from people I haven't been affiliated with who are just talking to my mom and they were like, I heard about your house. It was so stupid. But yeah, the house is fine. Best looking, by the way, best looking doorknob and keyhole I've seen in my life. Very lovely. Very, very lovely.

You can see your reflection in it. Yeah. Absolute madness. It does make me think, I mean, you have such power, do you know what I mean? It feels good. The way Aquaman can just, he can just think about his different animal friends and suddenly all these fish are coming from all over the, you can just send out this signal. You have like a trident and 800 people will come running.

You're like a white walker that can just raise the dead. Yeah, but it's the Armenian way. I think I would do it if somebody else needed it. If someone texted me and said, I need to leave, I would drop everything and completely just leave without telling you anything. So you don't put the job first? Okay. That's the funniest thing you've said.

Put the job first. Yeah, I know. No, come on. You know that. Yeah, I know. No, I mean, you know, I like my job. You have your priorities in order. Yeah.

You do. You know, if an Armenian out there needs help, text me and I'll be right there. And that just goes to any listener throughout the world. Any listener. Including all of Armenia. Yeah, also anyone in Armenia, if you're in Yerevan right now and you need help immediately with something, just get ahold of Sona and she will drop what she's doing and she will fly to Yerevan.

You know what, same goes for me, Armenians. I got your back. Thanks, Matt. You got it. Oh man. You'd fit right in in Armenia. You. Can you imagine?

Yeah. I've been there. It would be hilarious. Yeah. Actually, I stuck out sort of ridiculously in Armenia. Yes. No kidding. Thank you.

Just, they were very happy to see director Ron Howard. Happy homecoming. Yeah. And remember, that is a real offer out there. If you're Armenian and you need help, contact Sona and she'll be there in 20 minutes no matter where you are in the world. Yes. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sona Moff Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself, produced

by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sax and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.