Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Jim Parsons

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Actor Jim Parsons feels okay about people saying that he’s Conan O’Brien’s friend. Jim sits down with Conan to talk about recovering from COVID-19, working with dangerous animals on set, and starring in The Boys in the Band. Later, Conan makes a desperate plea to one of his sponsors. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Jim Parsons, and I feel okay about people saying that me and Conan O'Brien are friends. Wait a minute. Did you talk to a lawyer first to clear this? No. No. Well, yes. But I mean, you know.

Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'd like to say welcome once again or welcome back, assuming you've been here before, but maybe not. This is the first time listening to the show. And if that's the case, where have you been? That's your problem. Yeah. That's not the way to welcome new people.

Really? Yeah, probably not. Where have you been? No, I probably shouldn't say that I'm joined as always by my assistant Sonam of Sessian. Hi, Conan. Okay. Let's ramp up the enthusiasm next time. And of course, producer extraordinaire, Matt Gorley.

How are you, Matt? Hi, Conan. Yeah, that's better. Do you just get angry if we're not chipper and enthusiastic? Wait. Did you? Did anyone else hear that? Well, that's the audio on you for a second, Sonam.

You were at all slow. Oh, no. Well, I'm in the dressing room. The wifi here is... Okay. We got to talk about this because you just introduced what I think is the topic, which is we used to make these podcasts and it was so simple. We'd all get in a room and then Cher would come in and she'd do the podcast.

Don't do that. Don't joke. No, that's not a joke. That's not serious. No, it is. I'm saying someone of Cher's caliber would come in the room. But Cher has not been on this podcast yet, which is right in a travesty. She's asked many times.

You should get her on Fursona. That would be nice. She is an Armenian hero and I would love to have Cher on. Cher is an icon. Cher has not been on the podcast. I don't even know that she's out promoting anything. I don't know what the deal is. The point is let's not get lost on Cher.

You took us down the wrong road. I just said Cher is an example. You could have used so many other examples of people who've actually been on the show. Okay. Well, another famous Armenian, let's say, we'd get together and Dr. Kvorkin would come and we would sit and we would chat with Dr. Kvorkin. But anyway, he'd be in the same room with us and then Dr. Kvorkin would leave, he'd get in his van and he'd go take people to the other side.

And then we'd move on and then we'd do the ads and that would be the show. But now, because of quarantine and Zoom and everybody being in different locations, it's gotten very complicated. Has it not, Sona? It has. Like right now we're at Largo, which is where you shoot your show. Right. Largo Theater in West Hollywood.

Right. And it's not the ideal setting because it's the opposite of soundproof. It is a building with paper thin walls on La Cienega Boulevard. I swear to God, you hear everything. And we have to keep waiting while if a butterfly passes outside the studio, we have to start, we have to stop and then go again because the butterflies are always crashing into trash cans in the alley and knocking them over. It's just a very loud place.

And you know, Jim Parsons is coming to us from, I don't even know where he's coming to us from today. New York. Yeah. He's in New York. So Jim Parsons is in New York. And you're in an abandoned theater on La Cienega Boulevard with paper thin walls, just massive holes in the walls, people leaning in bystanders.

We're like a construction project. People can just lean in and look at what the crane is doing. And you're in a separate room, right, Sona? So you're on stage right now and I am in one of the dressing rooms. And I think I'm being quieter than usual because I'm worried if I speak loudly, you will hear me from the dressing room. Right. That's the problem for the engineers.

And Matt Gorely, of course, you are at home, right? Yeah. Yeah. So you're comfortable. Anyway, you didn't have to move. No, no. He's comfortable. He's...

That's true. Yeah. Trust me, it's always clear who puts this thing together. Matt says, well, I think I'll just be at home and then Conan, why don't you go to the fire trap on La Cienega? I'm no dummy. No, you're not. You're not at all.

No one ever said you were a dummy, but it's been very, it's very complicated. I'm not complaining. You all have to... Like, Noah, wait a minute. You are complaining. I am complaining. You are complaining a lot. I'm complaining and I shouldn't complain.

Yeah, especially. I shouldn't be. It's not stop complaining. I shouldn't be because we're lucky. Yeah. We're lucky. Everybody's doing a good job making this thing work. And it's been difficult because there's a pandemic and everybody's using the internet.

Everybody's zooming with everybody right now. So the traffic's heavy. But those other zooms, I think our zooms should take precedence over other people's data. What? No. I wish there was a way that Zoom could tell like, okay, these people are having a meeting, you know, to decide what the new font on their brochure should be.

Oh, God. Oh, wait. We sense that Conan O'Brien needs a friend is using this line. Let's shut everything else down. You're talking about like a 1% or Zoom or like a 4-season Zoom. Yes. I want to, I want to exactly, I want the exact... This is...

That's awful. The worst time to introduce this idea. Elitist Zooms. Yes. It's called the Elitist Zoom. I want to be in a special Elitist Zoom where even if medical professionals are trying to have a conference on how to save somebody... The CDC.

Yeah. If I'm doing a podcast, they all get... The CDC is like, we may have a cure. Really what is it? Well, if you take... And then all of a sudden, everything gets scrambled because I'm talking to another Armenian hero, Khloe Kardashian. Oh, come on.

Those are the Armenian heroes that Kardashians, Cher and Dr. Kvorkian. Okay. I can't even argue with you because you're right. And now Sonoma of Sessean. Hey, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. You're the Kvorkian of comedy.

What? Okay. No, but anyway, I'm not complaining. And I'm kidding. Of course, when I say that we should have special preferential treatment on our Zooms and on our broadband... He's not kidding. No, he's not.

No. These moments of perspective last for about 30 seconds. You can tell. You can feel them. When I go... I know. But really, we are like everyone else and we humbly submit... No, that's...

I think this podcast is saving lives. Oh, what? Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I just heard... I probably didn't bleed over, but I just heard a... It sounded like a motorcycle. Yeah, I heard that too.

Made of garbage can lids. Go by outside on the street and I got distracted. That's where we're doing the show. We will get back to normal times. I know we will. My prediction is the election will happen tomorrow and America will instantly return to normal. Oh, geez.

Hi. I'm an idiot. Yeah. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Says Things That Are Not True. Okay. Well, we need to get to it today. We have a terrific guest. He is, of course, a four-time Emmy Award-winning actor and I say, of course, because I look

at this man and I think, I bet you he's got four Emmy Awards and guess what? I'm always right. He does. He played Sheldon Cooper on the hit CBS series, The Big Bang Theory. Now you can see him in the Netflix movie, The Boys in the Band. I'm very excited to talk to him today. He's a scholar and a gentleman. Jim Parsons.

Welcome, Jim. Once I get to talk to a guest for a second before we get started and I didn't get a chance to thank you for doing this. You are a very talented gentleman. You're also just a lovely person. You really are. I've had first-hand encounters with you many times over the years and you've always been incredibly nice.

I want to get the word out. Well, that's very good to hear, but I mean, mostly that's just the way I was raised. I was told that you were supposed to be nice to people when you went to work with them. It's not to say that I don't mean it, sincerely, my being nice and kind. Jim, all I've gotten from you is to make signals so far. This is what I'm getting, to be quite honest. My kindness towards you was beaten into me as a child and does not in any way reflect how I may actually feel about you as a person based on my own experience.

I think more than anything. I can't explain everything else that's happened up until this point, but at this specific moment I think this is obviously me deflecting anything hinting towards a compliment and having to give my mother credit. She deserves a lot of credit. I'm not saying she doesn't, but you're right. God damn it. I'm a nice person on my own.

Yes. This is the therapy breakthrough I've been looking for with Jim Parsons all this time. You are a very nice person. I don't think fame ever has gone to your head in any way. I shared a lot with you on Warner Brothers for many, many years while you guys were doing Big Bang. I saw no change in your personality despite massive success. I will point out that your castmates lost their minds, all of them, cocaine and new

Maserati every day. It was just horrifying to watch their behavior, exotic animals they bought. They all had tigers on a leash, but you, nothing, no change. To be honest, you were all lovely people. No, we were. It's interesting to think about our show because the whole time we did our run, we were always asked what kind of funny things happened on the set and whatever, and it certainly wasn't that nothing amusing happened because we were people and funny things happened, but the

reason we were able to stay on the air for 12 years or one of the reasons was that everybody was very professional and for the most part level headed. It's like it actually wasn't that exciting in that way and thank God, or it wouldn't have gone two seasons. You could have had either 12 seasons of all of you being professionals and not coming away with a lot of fantastic behind the scenes show business stories, or you could have had three seasons, but fantastic stories. That's right.

Of all of you just behaving like Roman emperors. Which we would have to have been parlay into reality series in order to pay rent. Exactly. Yeah, so it all worked out. Let me start with, first of all, I know that you had COVID. Yes. You got COVID. How long ago did you get it?

We were very early. I think, I want to say March 13, 14 was when Todd first started coughing and then within a couple of days I did. It took us a very long while to figure out that's what it was, partly because it was so early and still symptoms were being described and testing wasn't widely available and who the hell wanted to go to any medical facility at that point even if you really wanted to test. But it was also that time of year in the getting into spring when we've both been known to

have allergy problems and stuff, so it was kind of weird. But once we had some chest pressure, I had a fever. I really believed we had it and Todd still was on the fence about it and then we started feeling better about two weeks into it and that was when we noticed we had completely lost our sense of smell and taste. It was like, that was it. What's that like? I've never lost my, there have been times when I wish I had no sense of smell.

But you don't actually, I mean that was literally, this is kind of gross to say, but that was literally the only benefit to it was that there was nothing from the bathroom. Like you couldn't, nothing, but the downside was 99% of it was you couldn't smell coffee, you couldn't, you couldn't taste bread. I mean you couldn't, well that's not a good example, but like, oh we had these, we had like these everything bagel chips that we, nothing. It was like cardboard. Right, you might as well have been eating packing material.

Yes, and you would think that I would have stopped eating, but I didn't. I just, there was nothing else to do, even though I couldn't taste it or smell it. It was like I wanted to do something. What basically is when people say, oh you lose your sense of taste and smell, what they might as well say is the reason for living goes away. Because that's what, that's what I, I mean it really is everything you're describing, the smell of coffee and the taste of a great glass of wine and then that glass and then many more glasses and the taste of my own vomit as I throw up.

It really does sound, at first it sounds benign, but it really is terrible. It really, it's terrible and did you, you may not have seen this, there was a Michael Hutchins from NXS documentary done and he had, he had been in some sort of accident a few years before he, he died. It, it like a brain thing that had taken away his sense of smell, if not taste is, I mean if you just lost sense of smell you would affect your sense of taste though even if you still had it. Right.

And they, if I remember correctly they made a pretty big deal about it in this movie saying that he was such, I mean who's not, but such a sensual person that to lose those, that those senses like that, you really put him into a major depression. And I, I mean, I could totally see that. What's fascinating to me is I have a very good friend, I, who I've known since college named Amy and she is someone who does not have a sense and she's a regular listener to this podcast. So I'm talking to her right now just to freak her out, but she does not have a sense of

taste or smell yet. She is an incredible cook and she makes the most amazing food and she's always making these, me these incredible dinners and dropping off like, oh, I just made you this incredible multi-fruit tort and I'm tasting it and I'm thinking, how did she do this without the sense of smell or taste? Is it bottomed out zero for her like nothing? She's probably told me, but when other people talk about their problems, I don't listen. Yeah.

So, um, yeah, because I'm, you know, whatever, I'm on television. Well, listen, the reason I was going to say is because, no, no, I think it is, I think it's zero. Yeah. I think it is zero. Well, I just, I had thought when I had heard that that was a symptom that you would kind of in general lose and, but this was so at zero that it was, and I don't mean this in a painful way as much as it was a sense.

I, it was like the, all those areas have been chemically burned. Like there was, if there was a taste or a smell, it was, it was a slight singe almost. It was so weird, but I should say that overall it was so, we were so lucky that it was mild. I mean, right. I would say 50% of our pain, quote unquote, because we had the symptoms, but 50% of our real pain was that it was so early and we were so scared, you know, like, because you kept hearing in the news about people that were having mild cases and then bam, they took a turn and every night was like, I don't know, we were just scared every night going

to bed going, please don't let us, one of us wake up and have to get, you know, to the hospital. But, you know, but that wasn't scary. It was, but it wasn't because we were like so hurting. It was just that we knew we had it and we could sense it and, and just didn't know how it was going to travel through us. Are you and Todd fully recovered now? Do you feel any, any residual?

No, I don't feel anything. The only thing I feel, and this is because I'm a head case, is that anytime, like the recent stuff that's come out about, well, I don't know if it'll be recent, somebody's listening to this, but whatever, that Trump had it. And so we started going down the contact tracing and this person gets it and this person gets it. And anytime they start doing that, my brain gets really anxious. And I like, I'll be reading something and need to go wash my hands because I just feel

like, Oh God, what was the last thing I touched? Which is insane. I'm seeing so few people in general are doing anything, but it's just hard for me to keep up to stay abreast of the news and not let it really make me feel almost psychosomatically ill. You know what I mean? Well, I think that is everybody right now. Yeah.

I just feel this constant bucket splash over the head of insane news every single day has, I think, had an effect on all of us. Yeah. It just occurred to me, wouldn't it be strange if one of the side effects they found out later on was you lose your sense of taste, you know, in your mouth, but you also just lose your creative taste? Oh God. Like what if that went away?

And what if that's the reason you agreed to do this podcast? What if normally you'd be like, I'm not going to talk to Cone. And I mean, if I talk to him, I guess I'll go on his stupid show, but I won't do a podcast. But now suddenly you're like, yeah, I'll host that game show and I'll talk to Cone. I really, I won't read any of the articles about the people and God bless them. I feel for them that it's been lingering or that it's had longer. They can already spot longer lasting because as soon as I do it, I'll have everything they talk about.

I'll be like, oh, yes. Yep. Yep. I got that. I just can't even go down that road. Like walking along and pretending like none of this happened in a weird way. I feel kinship about you in certain areas. And I feel it strongly and you can tell me if it resonates with you or if it doesn't.

And this is why I think we could be friends. We're both late bloomers. You have often described yourself as a late bloomer and I don't, I think I've yet to bloom and I'm much older than you and I'm still waiting. I don't think I've, I mean, I'm still waiting on puberty, but you and I share something and I actually think it's something that comes in handy because I've heard you talk a little bit about how things came to you later. I mean, first of all, you lived for a long time.

Was it in Houston? Where did you? Yeah, I grew up in Houston. And I didn't. Houston. And you stayed there for a long time. Yeah. I lived in Houston to go to grad school when I was 20, I guess I was 20, I was 26.

But I didn't know, it took me a long time to figure out how the next step was going to happen. It's like three and a half, four years from graduating there to going to grad school. I don't know. I just felt very slow looking back on it, but I couldn't have done it any other way. I would have been I would have been ill prepared just taking like the TV show, Big Bang is an example. I feel like anytime much sooner than when it happened for me, which was 33, I don't think

I would have been able to do it as well. And I don't know. I don't know. It's not that I think I would have gotten freaked. Well, maybe I would have gotten freaked out. I don't know. It's really hard to explain. But you know that if you're a late bloomer, it's like you can't explain why you're going

down the road, you're going down at the rate you're going down. Yeah. What I can relate to is always constantly thinking, why is everybody so far ahead of me? That's how it always felt to me. Anyway, I always felt, I mean, I got tall, very late. I mean, it really was almost like, like I was exposed to radiation, you know, like Bruce Banner and I suddenly grew, I didn't really think I grew into my body.

I mean, someone argued I'm still waiting on that. I had to be in my early 20s to really feel, start to feel like, yeah, okay, I'm 6'4 and now I know how to move as a 6'4 inch person. I mean, I could be an extrovert, but I could also be very shy. It's the flip side. And I know that you had that too. You're very shy growing up. Yeah.

When it's funny, as soon as you said this about getting tall late, I was like, well, I was always tall because I kind of hated it because all my friends were shorter than me and I would stoop down to talk to them and just because I didn't want to be sticking out. And the only thing I can think of offhand is like, you're getting tall late in life and therefore having to adjust to it later in life is sort of similar to, if you grew up when I did, or just being me, adjusting to being gay later on, you know, I was in my 20s before I owned a very central part of myself. And I think that's all ties in with late blooming and taking a little bit longer ownership

of who you are. Right. When you say it took you a while to have ownership over it, you felt like you knew, but you weren't really able to admit it to yourself or really come to a full understanding yourself of being gay? It was in, I feel like it was in layers and the first layer would have been the self-acceptance. And for me, that was, it's later than it seems to be for most kids these days, but you know, I was, you know, 19, 20-ish when I really started to realize it to myself.

And once it was clear to me, that wasn't too, too hard because I knew there was no, I liked it. I was like, if I let myself indulge in this, I will enjoy, I can see relationships in color now. I can see romance in color if that felt free. I feel like the hard part was deciding how I could be a successful actor and be gay. How could I portray all sorts of different parts and not portray all of them as gay or something like that?

And I think everybody has something they're struggling with, no matter what, but I don't think most straight actors, straight male actors, well, they don't, they don't, they're not thinking about that, obviously. They're not worried about coming off as straight, not most of them, maybe, who knows. And so that took a while, and I've told this story before, but I really, I was, I was lucky enough to have somebody cast me in a role that I had to do in drag for these Charles Bush plays. And it was, it was one of the most important experiences an actor that I had ever had because

I didn't have to appear straight, I only had to play this part. And with that pressure taken off, it was the kind of experience that sort of like self-realizing that you're gay, you're like, oh, I can't go back. Now that I know what it is to be on stage, and again, the ownership word comes up, now I know what it is to own everything about this and not, I'm not hiding anything. I'm just doing it. There's really, I can't go back to the old way, which is not to say it was a straight shot to me being a good actor, but, but, but it was, it was a big step on the road.

Well, it feels to me like it's not easy to grow up feeling, I don't want to say inadequate, but unsure of where or how you fit in, but you, you're gifted with something when you grow up that way, which is I think compassion and sensitivity. So I think that I understand, I think there is something that has probably served you well. You say it's your mom and insisting on manners, but it's also growing up slowly and maybe not feeling completely secure as you grow up about where you belong that gives you with this perspective and ability to handle fame hits.

And that was not just any kind of fame. I mean, Big Bang was a phenomenon and just a massive hit and suddenly you have to deal with being famous. How did you handle that? I guess I'm still handling it. I don't know. Um, it always has still feels like, um, just a byproduct of the real point, like, um, or a side part of the real point, which is I enjoy acting, I enjoy, you know, playing characters,

telling stories. And I don't remember wanting to be famous. I remember saying when I was very young that I wanted to be a movie star, but I don't think that was like a red carpet wish, I feel like that was literally when I was seeing reflected to me from the screen or from my television, I wanted to be part of that. But there is that component to it. I don't know. I can't imagine having zero interest in it and finding yourself well known suddenly,

although I'm sure it happens. I don't know. I, I, I don't feel I'm fine with it. It's, it's a, you know, a beautiful thing in many ways. And then there is part of me that is uncomfortable with it still, that still doesn't fully get it, except I don't know. I don't know what word to put on it. It's just, and maybe you feel this way too, because it was later in life, like there was

so much formative time spent not being known that I still think I should be able to go to a mall. And now that we have to wear masks everywhere, I can. You know, you know what I mean though, it's like, see, there is a bright side to this coronavirus. But there is that part of me that does, that, that really expects that, you know, I mean, for me, how old were you when people knew who you were? I was 30.

It happened overnight. And, you know, what's fun was what, what I missed then was I could make people laugh and they would have no idea who I was. And I used to really love that because I was just this guy who they didn't know. And if I really got them laughing, whoever they were, if it was a waiter or whatever, it felt really special. And you know, now I still try and make them laugh. But if they do laugh, I think, well, how much am I getting extra credit because, and I always

make it clear beforehand that the tip really depends on how much you laugh. So that's, well, I understand that though, because I used to, I used to enjoy auditioning as a relative unknown. Like I, I loved, I mean, I guess it was playing the underdog basically, you know, like going in the room and they're like, okay, who are they? And then knowing that you did a good job and seeing it on their faces and it's just triple the surprise. They're like, who the hell is that, you know, and, and that's not to say that I couldn't

just surprise good or bad in an audition these days, even when you know me, but it's not the same. There was a story that I always, I always remember that Lauren Michaels told me it's turned out live, which is he said, you know, he knew Chevy Chase before he was famous because they, they, they picked him to be on the show, but he hadn't been on the show yet. And he said Chevy used to do these outrageous things when he was just a civilian, you know, not famous as a civilian. And one of them was when they would go to a restaurant where they gave you a hot towel.

They would give him the hot towel and Chevy would put it on his face and then scream and flip over backwards and ride on the floor as if he'd been horribly scalded. And people in the restaurant used to laugh. And then Lauren saw Chevy Chase get famous overnight, literally October, November, December of 1975 and Chevy would go to a restaurant and he would do the same thing and people would go, oh, isn't that sad, like, well, like, oh, look who needs more attention. And you know, I just, I always thought that was very interesting, but it's so interesting that you said the red carpet stuff.

That always makes me incredibly self-conscious and like, I feel like a phony and I, I never really enjoyed award shows, which is why I've gone out of my way not to be nominated for anything. It's really a concerted effort. I put a lot of work into not being nominated for things because, you know, and, and that's my choice. That's my choice. I think that's great.

Yeah. Thank you. You're reminding me if there's this poster on my English teacher's wall in high school, it says, aim it nothing. You'll hit it. Yes. Yes. If anyone takes any wisdom away from today, it's that that's what you should do.

That's the philosophy that's worked for Jim Parsons and for Conan O'Brien. You know, what's so fun is that you're, and I think about this a lot, you know, as Sheldon, you were so funny. That character is so funny in a unique way. Everybody uses sarcasm these days. Everybody uses attitude and his complete inability to pick up on that made for just great comedy. I thought he had a certain way of never knowing exactly the impact he was actually having on any situation, good or bad.

You know, if he did something really heartfelt for somebody nine times out of 10, it was accidental, you know, right, right. Very early on, they had an episode where Kaylee's character Penny needed money and nobody had any to give her. She didn't know what to do. And without prompting Sheldon offers her this money he's been keeping. And it's very sweet, but he goes out of his way to, to make her understand that like, this is money I'm saving and I'm not using.

And if you need it, it's just a transfer of, of, of digits really. It's, it's not, I'm not, I don't, I don't feel like I'm doing anyone a favor or there's just no. And I think that you're right. I think that is unique to see. And it definitely was one of the main ways in which that character was so enjoyable to play as long as he was, you know. But I also like, when you think about it, I've, it's a philosophy I have to actually

agree with, which is most people do a kind act to feel the, the feeling you're getting something from it. You know, there's no such, there's no such thing as altruism. So there's something really pure about someone saying, no, you have to. Let's understand this is money I have that I have no use for. So I'm transferring it to you who does have a use. And that makes sense because there's a use vacuum and it's going to you now. And in a way that's purer than, Hey, look at me.

I'm a good guy. Oh, completely, completely. And, you know, look to my, in my own way, it's not something I'm able to fully share with him. I, even the things that I give to or whatever privately with no pictures or any postings about it, even those, I'm doing it because it's something I care about that does give me a feeling of satisfaction of knowing I'm part of the, part of the group that's helping keep this thing going, whether it's a, you know, a radio station or whatever it is.

But it is not, it's, there's still a transaction going on. I don't, you know, No, it's why I get uncomfortable if they say Conan hold this koala because we want it to be in an airport that we need to save the koalas. And first of all, I hate koalas, I'm very anti, very anti-koala and I spent a lot of my money trying to, you know, track them down, make them pay for what they've done. Oh my God. Well, come on, you know that.

So now you're often making those calls to find out where the koalas are, he wants to war against koalas. I've got beef with koalas. I don't know. That's why you won't see me holding a koal in an airport. And I think that's, uh, if people get anything out of this, it should be that, uh, hate the koalas. They're up to something and you know it.

They're stoned. Right? Yes. Yes. I actually was in Australia. I did a tape to show in Australia and I hung out with a koala, hung out with a koala. And we got so stoned. I visited this nature park and there was a koala there.

And yes, they're stoned all the time, all the time. And it really is, you think, I think they have borderline depression because they're, they're stoned way too much and their productivity is way down. Like whenever you ask a koala to do something, he's like, yeah, I'll do it. They build couches in the wild and just hang out on couches and they watch Netflix for hours at a time. You really don't like them. You know what?

I'm going to take a lot of heat for this, but I think they're dicks. I think, and I think they've been asking for it for a long time. So I wouldn't want one. I wouldn't. I'd be afraid to bite or something. I don't know what they do. Yes, you don't even know if they bite. I don't think they would bite you.

I worked with a monkey on Big Bang. Go, go, go. Well, it's not that interesting, but it isn't to me. It was just frightening. It was a very cute monkey and she was very good at her job, but it was like very calmly. It would be said. Everyone's like, don't just don't look her in the, don't look her in the eye or don't don't smile at her or show her teeth.

That was really all I needed to hear to go, I can't do this. What was the monkey's job? By the way, was it, was it catering? Was it accounting? What was the monkey doing on Big Bang? She was, oh, oh, she was part of Miami Alex character, was doing a study with the monkeys and she brought this right home and she, oh, she was doing a smoking thing. So there was this, what it was written in was that I, the monkey blew smoke in my face.

I don't remember how we did it, but I wouldn't get close enough after I'd heard all that for her to blow smoke in my face. So I was like, we're going to have to figure out how to put us together like Patty Duke as twins or something because I am not risking my money maker for this ape with a monkey with a cigarette. And she wasn't an ape. So that's kind of my koala thinking. It's like, they do look cute like that little bitty monkey did.

And I just wonder if, give them the sideways glance and they take your face off. Well, okay. I was kind of kidding about the koala. I really don't have a problem with koalas, but I do have a problem with the chimpanzee and I've had to work with chimpanzees many times on late night over the years. They can, it can get real nasty real fast. And also the trainers are always saying the same thing to me, okay, we're going to do this bit where the monkey jumps on you Conan and oh, and by the way, don't look at it.

Try not to inhale, only exhale. If you've used any soap in the last 10 years, it might try and pull your skull out of your flesh and, and they're strong. They're really strong. And then. Yeah, they are. Do you find though, and maybe you don't, but that in general, that you find yourself doing things are capable or willing to do things for the sake of the show that you would never

in real life. If someone can convince me that people might find it amusing, I will do anything, anything. And I've countless times done incredibly stupid things that I would never do again. And this is a true story a couple of years ago. We had a wildlife segment on the show where they brought different animals on. And then at the end they said, and we could bring this animal out and it's a water buffalo. Now I don't know if you've ever seen a water buffalo, but a water buffalo is the size of the longest dining room table you've ever seen.

They're massive. And they brought this water buffalo out and I was just going to stand next to the water buffalo and it's rehearsal. And I'm sure it's the same thing when you're blocking a scene for a television, for a sitcom, but it rehearsal things get very slow, very relaxed. People aren't really paying attention. The trainer at one point said Conan could get on the water buffalo and no one had given it any thought.

And to be fair, the people around me who should know better were all on their iPhones checking out, you know, sport scores and texting people and people were just sort of muttering and not paying attention. And I'm just standing there and I'm like, huh, do people get on it? And whoever handled the water buffalo said, could be real funny. And that's of course all I had to hear. So there was a box there and I started to get on the water buffalo and to his credit, Andy Richter, I heard just before I got on the water buffalo, Andy was over in the corner

and he looked up and he said, don't get on a fucking water buffalo. But just as he said it, my bony ass settled onto the water buffalo. The water buffalo, which I want to stress again, is the size of a SUV, took off because it didn't want me on it and it threw me in the air. I went up in the air and I landed and you know at the floor of a, when they have to roll cameras and I'm on the same set as you. I'm literally, this happened, you were probably working on Big Bang maybe a hundred yards away from me.

It's a dense, dense concrete floor and I landed on my left hip and bounced off of it off the floor and I'm a big guy. I bounced off of it, the water buffalo took off and smashed all the camera men scattered. It knocked over cameras, people were screaming, the water buffalo got up, I could see the whites of its eyes and it turned to look at me. I took off and then they get the water buffalo under control and I had this hematoma on my left hip that was so big I couldn't get my pants off. It was literally like I had a, I had like a, do you remember this Sona?

Oh yeah, of course I remember it. And it was, it was huge. It was horrifying and I was thinking, I was just mad at myself. I mean, I should have as an adult, I had no sense of, it was my fault. I'm going to say it was 99% my fault and I'm going to give 1% to the water buffalo just because he should have recognized me. Well, the water buffalo isn't a late bloomer, but you are. The water buffalo is a famous, really young, you'll know how to deal with animals the size

of dining room tables. I want to know what that thing was on your hip. What is that? Oh, a hematoma? Yeah. It's just a, basically an incredible like bone bruise that filled up with blood. I don't know if you ever had reason to use the Warner Brothers nurse, but the Warner Brothers nurse came by and they finally figured out a way to get my pants down low enough for

her to see that. And she was like, yeah, that's the biggest hematoma I think I've seen. Oh my God. Did you have to walk gingerly? I always walk gingerly. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah, I'm very, I'm very, exactly. There was no pun.

No, I just always am very careful on my ankles and my feet. I'm a very sensitive person, but. Picture of your hematomas in the chat. The what? The picture of your hematoma. Oh, there's a picture of my hematoma in the chat. Yeah. There's a picture of it at the time.

Yes. We're just going to make you look at this. Oh my God. That's with no makeup or anything. That's nothing. I mean, can you believe that? It looks like somebody had to paint that on you. That is cool.

No, and it's not. I swear on my life that no makeup, nothing. That was what that water buffalo did to me and he was probably did it at the behest of a fucking koala. You're lucky you didn't, you're lucky you didn't break the hip, honestly. I'm made of tough stuff, I just gotta say, in a very, very macho way that no way matches who I am. I'm just incredibly.

Boston strong. Boston strong. I'm Boston strong. I wanted to talk for a second about the boys in the band because I had an observation. I thought your performance was great. I think the whole cast was great. Thank you. It was a piece of that time.

And when you look at it in that context and you understand that this was written a year before Stonewall, I think, and this was a completely verboten topic and it is depicting the lives of all these gay men who are friends, it's stunning. It's absolutely stunning that that could have been created in 1968 or 1969. It's madness. No, it's true. It was very, Mark Crowley who wrote it, it was very, I don't know, brave is the right word.

I look at it as brave. I wonder if he would say that. He passed away in March. But it's so brutally honest, brutal is the word that comes up again and again. I think he was inspired by a couple of things to write this that I read about, but one of them was a piece, I think, in The Times written by a theater critic that was criticizing or saying basically enough of these gay writers, by which I believe he was talking about Tennessee Williams and Edward Albin, enough of you writing your gay characterizations and stories through

the prism of heterosexual couples, because frankly, you're getting it wrong. It was a borderline homophobic piece is what it really was. Gay people need to stop writing about straight relationships because you don't get it. But Mart really took it as, you don't want to hear about gay stuff through straight couples. Well, then I guess it's time that you hear about gay stuff and watch the gay people do it. And that was what was so monumental about this when it came out was that there had been nothing like it.

There had been nothing, gay characters were certainly not central characters in anything much less the whole of any pieces and and it caused quite a stir. But the next stir was then like you say, Stonewall came about and the tidal waves of change that began to happen and gay liberation and people and gay people being proud of who they are. And we're not going to take it any more kind of thing. It started to give this piece a really bad name because this piece is this piece is of a piece of a time where society was, you know, cruel to gay people. I mean, we were in our research.

And they're in hiding. Exactly. That's what it is. I think one of the things that's remarkable about it that I'm realizing this more and more as it's been released and I'm getting reactions to it. But as I'm realizing that again, the brutal honesty with which Mark took on his life and the people he knew in society at the time, certainly like you say seeing because there's there's more of it going on now seeing a gay movie with gay people depicted and played

by gay actors is not the remarkable thing. It was 50 something years ago. The good side of that, well, there's several good sides, but one of them is that I think it allows for the piece to be so resonant with so many other types and kinds of people that are being shamed or other or whatever it is now, you know, in a way that I don't think you would have made those connections in 1968 or in the original movie came out. But we know more now. And I don't know, progress doesn't seem to and I guess this is ultimately good doesn't

ever seem to stop, you know, you when you when you progress, you simply you do good, but you also uncover things that you weren't able to see before because of the other coverings. Yes. You know, well, it's that's why it's that line I always go back to that Obama uses progress is never in a straight line. Yeah. I don't know. I was I was very glad that you're in this place now in your career where you're you can

I don't know. I do feel like the sky's the limit for what you can sign up for and what you can it tackle. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I mean, look, I loved getting to do it. I tell you it's a combination. The director of this was Joe Mantello and the producer Ryan Murphy. I it is amazing and I'm sure anybody in our business can speak to this.

The things that you either know you're capable of or you suspect that you're capable of. There's so much you can do about it to a certain degree and then you need those people in your life that say I agree or I see it even before you do and they give you these opportunities and I I don't know. I think more than anything, this experience, well, one of the many things about this experience has been the renewed new level of appreciation I have for all the helping hands along the way of any career. I just, you know, I've always said in my head, I feel like thanking everyone who ever

cast me in anything because not only did it give me experience, but it more importantly in some ways gave me a vote of confidence like, well, somebody thinks I can do this. And with these two men in particular, Joe and Ryan, they came along to my life and career at a very important time where have been very well known for particular character and instead of that making them frightened about using me, it excited them and they wanted to expand upon that and see where we would go with that. And so I'm yeah, I'm really grateful for that. I think it's, um, I think it goes in line with our late blooming thing.

And this is where the late blooming has a major personal benefit, whether the rest of the world cares or not, is that you, I imagine you sort of feel this way I do, which is that it does feel like there's no telling what's going to happen because weird things seem to happen all the time. And you know, just when I thought such and such was probably counted out of my particular life, I go, Oh, I was just waiting to graduate into it. I didn't, I didn't realize I've had maybe nine distinct periods in my life where I thought it's over.

Yeah. That's it. And, uh, I'm always proven wrong and it's just a change and, uh, I've, I've actually come to, you know, we're a culture that just idolizes youth, but I've come to enjoy, I like being an older person who's had all these experiences because I think I get it a little more now. I understand. And I, I understand that, Oh, there's just more. I'll try this.

I'll try that. Uh, I'll experiment. What have I got to lose? Yeah. Um, and so I'm very happy to see you in this place. Thank you. Um, and, uh, and trust me, you know, my approval should mean everything to me, because I'm well, uh, you know, but Jim, I hope that you've revised now you're, you're, uh, we're

at the end of this podcast and I know now that you've probably revised how you feel about being my friend. I'm sure it's graduated to, um, some sort of queasiness. No, no, no. It's just, I mean, it's five o'clock here or it's about to be, which means that I get to slip into cocktail hour and I think I can really absorb. Um, and reflect upon what's happened and I'll text my agent and tell him how I feel about this experience.

No, no, no, good. Yeah. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Listen, uh, absolute thrill to get to talk to you, uh, and I will say it again. You're someone who I've been running into, uh, at your place of business for, you know, I think over a decade, uh, and you were always unfailingly, uh, nice and sensitive and real. And I think lot, I think late blooming is the answer, but I also, I think it's a combo

platter. It's late blooming. It's, uh, good parenting. Um, and it's you just being a fundamentally decent person. So we'll put all of that in there and maybe some sort of medication you're on. You're not so bad at yourself. No, no, no. Not exactly.

Hey, Jim. Thank you. Uh, thank you so much and, uh, get to that cocktail and, um, and, and, and be well and thank you for doing this. Really. You're welcome. Thank you. You know, it's been eating away at me for a while now, uh, you know, we do these ad

reads and there was one, I don't know when this was, maybe it was two months ago, three months ago, and it was an ad for an online test prep and I read it once and I was delighted and I came to life and I was the happiest that I've been in years. I mean, literally happier than I was seeing my children born. I was so happy because it was for this online test prep company and none of that obviously sounds interesting, but their name is Magouche. I've never heard you say it like that. Well, I just wanted to say it normally that one time and that takes a great act of will

and self-control to say it that way because immediately in the ad, I started going, Magouche, Magouche, and I was delighted and I couldn't stop because it created this wormhole in my brain. I was going, oh, Magouche, they'll get it done and I couldn't stop and I was so happy because I thought this is great. The Magouche people are going to love this and they're going to buy more ads and guess what? They didn't.

That's because you keep talking about it and they're getting free advertisement. I can't help it. I want, and I think I, yes, I think you hit it on the head, Matt, which is that these people, first of all, they have not bought an ad today and they have not bought an ad and our podcast is, I don't want to flex as the kids say today or, but our podcast is very successful. People pay a lot of money to get an ad on this podcast and I'm so frustrated that they're not advertising that I'm talking about them again and again and again and mentioning their

name and so they're not buying advertising because they don't have to. And I keep saying, Magouche, Magouche, you know, so this is the problem. I can't stop saying it, but then they're not going to buy an ad because I keep saying their name anyway. We could try bleeping you every time you say it from here on out. No, because I'll be, no, I'll be so mad if you guys do that because I want people to hear, I'm Magouche. And if I find out, yeah, there's people in the background, can you get more people to

walk around and ask questions? Well, they probably heard a lunatic yelling Magouche and thought there cannot be a recording session happening. We had to do a recording session here at the Largo Theater and I swear Flanagan who runs the place told a bunch of guys, hey, can you wander around and ask each other questions? So literally I heard in the background people going, where do you think God comes from? And then dropping wrenches. You Freudian slipped with this podcast really is a recording recession.

Well, or depression. It's a depression. I want to know why the Magouche people aren't buying more ads. And you know what? I've been a good friend to Magouche and I think they should be a good friend to me. And guess what? They have, this is not a paid advertisement. I'm not getting any money.

Now maybe it's because they aren't doing online tests right now because of COVID. It just occurred to me. Maybe they're not advertising because a lot of those tests have been shut down. But I just want to get the word out there that even if they have been shut down, you still have to study kids because at some point they're going to come back. And when they do, you're going to need a Magouche. I think that the trick to advertising on this podcast is just to have a silly name because you'll just keep doing it over and over again.

Yes. And then they won't have to pay. I actually was surprised you even knew what Magouche was. And I remembered Adam had to Google it before we even started recording because even though you've done like six ads, you had no idea what they did. No, no, I could be some sort of feminine product. It could be a douche, the Magouche douche. Are you okay?

Are you all right? Well, I think I'm not that okay. I need to go use the Magouche douche. I had no idea what they did and I think it's a foolish name for a test prep company. So anyway, that's something that's been bothering me. None of that was an ad. No money came in just right now, but I mentioned a company like 15 times and they better come across and buy an ad.

You know what's going to happen is that people are going to start naming their products silly things just and then telling me what they are just so I'll start talking about their product on the air. Even though they're not paying for it because I want to say snap it. And it's going to be something heinous, you know, like a firearm that fires 35 rounds a second. And make sure you get your snap and even though I'm very into gun safety, they'll be like snap and the gun that fires rapidly.

It's awful. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.