Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Jimmy Kimmel

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

Fellow late-night TV host Jimmy Kimmel feels sexually excited about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Jimmy joins Conan to talk about the competitive late-night landscape, Jimmy’s love of feeding people, Conan’s many hobbies, intermittent fasting, and the best ways to keep guests talking. Plus, Conan responds to a listener voicemail inviting him over for a game of bridge. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].This episode is sponsored by State Farm (www.statefarm.com), Calm (www.calm.com/CONAN), ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/CONAN), Mizzen+Main (www.comfortable.af code: CONAN), and Instacart (www.instacart.com code: CONAN).

Hi, my name is Jimmy Kimmel, and I feel, am I supposed to say something in the blank? I'm really excited about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is the podcast where I scam people into talking to me for an hour, and then try and turn that into a friendship. It's actually kind of working for me. I got my team here, my posse. Why are you laughing at that, Sona?

Why can't I say posse? I don't know. It just sounds wrong coming from you. Okay. Well, Sona was sitting here, part of my posse, and I got Matt- Doubling down on it. Matt Gorley. Yeah, man.

You're wearing sunglasses too. It really is an effect. Yeah. You know what's funny? It was actually not really that funny. I didn't bring my glasses, and I do need glasses when I read, and so I realize that my sunglasses are prescription. So I'm putting them on just so I can look down and occasionally look at notes if I need

notes. And they're so dark you look like a 30s blind man. Yes. And so I'm wearing these sunglasses right now, and I look like the ultimate douche-le-roux, but I need them for that, it is not an affectation, I swear. You look like someone in a blues movie from 1930s that plays the devil. Yeah. My name is, my name is Lou Cipher.

Don't you love it when they, Satan is posing as a human and then uses the phoniest acronym or something for Satan? Yeah, I can say that. My name's Eveville. What? Wait, are you Satan? Yes. What?

What gave it away? What gave it away? Good to meet you. My name is B.L. Zabub. Wait, B.L. Zabub. So you're Satan. No, I'm just a businessman named B.O. You're Satan.

Fuck it, I'm Satan. All right, I'm Satan. You're Satan. Okay, I'm Satan. I watch your show. We got a great show today. That's for sure. Very excited about it.

Happy, very happy to talk to this gentleman. Today's guest is a fellow late night host. The namesake of his own show, Jimmy Kimmel Live. You're probably still wondering who it is. Who could it be? You gotta be kidding me. Well, we'll get there soon. No, I'm very happy.

This is somewhere we run into each other a lot. We never get a chance to talk, but thank God for podcasts because it's really the only way two white men can really communicate. So happy to have you here. Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy, how are you? By the way, I feel like in full disclosure, I should say I invited myself on this podcast. You did.

You're the first person. You know, it's so funny because you very kindly had a few of us over to your house, beautiful house, Catalina Island. When he says us, he means white people. Yeah, exactly. I thought it was awkward that the invitation said, come all white males. Yee, white males, yes. No, it was a bunch of comedians, very funny people.

You had over to your house and beautiful house in Catalina, geodesic dome, 600,000 square feet, beautiful place, falcons flying around. And you had us over. We had a nice time. And then afterwards, I think I sent you a message saying thank you for having me over. That was really lovely. And then you replied, sure, and I'd love to do the podcast. That's right.

And then I thought, well, of course, and I thought you're the only guy who's asking to be on a podcast. No one wants to be on a podcast. It depends on the podcast, you know, I just thought it would be fun. We don't know each other well. And the times that we've spoken have been in groups and I thought it would be fun if we had a one-on-one with your whole staff. Yes.

This is the only way I talk to anyone. When my wife wants to speak to me about our marriage, I call her in and I have Sona and Gorill here. Do you check her levels before? We do. We do. She's doing well. May I tell a story about you before we begin this?

Oh, sure. Go ahead. Go for it. So when I started watching David Letterman when I was a kid, I found out that my grandfather also watched the show. He'd stay up almost all night, every night, and he loved the show and we bonded over that. We, of course, bonded because he was my grandfather, but my grandfather was the greatest. He was a very funny guy and just everyone loved him.

So after Letterman moved, he started watching you and he loved you in a similar way. Wait, your grandfather, like old people hated me when I showed up. My grandfather was very hip. He loved you. Oh my God. And at the time I was doing morning radio, so I was getting up at like three o'clock in the morning. So I wasn't watching a lot of late night television at that time, but he would tell me that he

loved you and this and that. Anyway, he was in New York. He lived in Las Vegas and he was in New York visiting my cousins and he was at a restaurant in the city and you walked into this restaurant and you engaged him. He was wearing, my grandfather was more than a little nutty. He would, and nothing was garbage to him. He would, like my cousin Mickey was working at an optometrist's office and she'd bring home, for whatever reason, a box of eyeglass lenses and he would paint birds or people,

sometimes David Letterman, sometimes you on these eyeglass lenses and then make them into earrings. Now these weren't great. I was listening to this and I went, right, right, but right, of course, no, this is completely, this is a, this is a tumor or something. Even earrings shaped just like, they weren't ground down into a circle or anything. It was just the shape of an eyeglass lens and he made, he always wore a Bola tie and he made a Bola tie with an eyeglass lens and you spotted it and you asked him if he could

have, if you could have it and there was some, you didn't really want it, but I think he was willing to give it to you, but you wound up not taking it, but then you sat and talked to him for, according to my cousins, quite some time. You know what? This does line up with my personality and this really was, I mean, we were all very excited about this. Well, it's funny because I do really enjoy, and you'll back me up in this zone and when I'm out in the world, I talk to people and I go on a long time and I have thought, maybe

that's a nice part of my personality. It is a nice part of my personality. Well, then recently I've had people start to say, wow, you're needy. Yes. That's also true. You can't wait. That's the flip side, I guess, of it. I don't remember.

You'd think I'd remember your grandfather with the kooky tie. This was a long time ago. I mean, he's been dead for 17 years, I guess now. I remember predicting his death when I was talking to him. It wouldn't have been difficult to do. Within a month. He was probably 88 at the time, but yeah. I remembered saying it.

So thank you for that on behalf of the family. That's how I end most conversations with people. You haven't long, you know. That's the way to do it. This is an opportunity, I think, for both of us because we're in this. It's a growing, it's a growing club. It used to be there are very few late night shows and now there's many, many more. You must hate that so much.

All right? I mean. Well, you know, it's funny. There was a time there where I thought I started to feel myself getting crusty and old, like, well, there's just too many. I don't know who all these people are. But then there's this point a couple of years ago where I thought it just went away. And I was like, I don't know what happened.

And it sounds like I started smoking pot or something, which I didn't. I just got very like, oh, the more the merrier. I don't know. My testosterone level fell. I don't know what happened. I'm sure it took some of the specialness away from it. I mean, it must have. It had to.

Well, I don't know. I mean, there's pros and cons. What are the pros of having other shows? The pros is that it doesn't feel so falsely important. Ah. And what I'm saying is, for me, there was this period, you know, in the 90s and into the 2000s where you could really almost convince yourself because of the grind and its network television and people made such a big deal out of late night shows, then that it could

feel like you were sort of holding up the world. It could feel like you were supporting this burden and you had to keep it going. And I don't feel that way anymore. I feel and not in a bad way. I feel like I'm trying to make stuff that I enjoy, that I hope people will enjoy. And but if I went away, the world wouldn't really change. And it's a nicer feeling than what I think was a false feeling of the world would have been fine if I had gone away in 98.

You know what I mean? But you had yourself convinced that, no, I must keep 1235 to 135 alive at NBC. And I don't, I think that was. There's a lot of bullshit mythology surrounding all of it and unearned reverence that you get just by, I mean, you know, once I got a late night talk show, I was like, oh, well, this is a big deal. I think it's because I don't know why it is. I think it's because of Johnny Carson and then David Letterman.

Yes. And the fact that there were only two of them for such a long time and anyone who tried to come at them failed, they fell by the way. So it seemed like a very, very special thing when really it's just a day part. Well, the other thing is, I do think. I think it is what you make of it. So I, I have no regrets and I'm like you, I feel really blessed that I've had the opportunity to do this.

I really enjoy doing it. But at the same time, I do think that I always thought when the media turned late night into a giant sports battle, clash of the Titans, I thought they were missing the point. So there was a time, you know, when it was the big, you know, there was Carson and he was undefeated and he was the champ and then he left. And then it's Letterman Leno and it's this, the battle between the two, you know, late night Titans, it's Godzilla and Mothra. And I thought, I never thought of comedy that way.

It doesn't, it's not like who landed a body blow tonight on their show against the other host. It didn't make any sense to me. The whole thing felt they're very different. If you like one or you like the other, and you and I both clearly were Letterman people. That was how we grew up. That was the sensibility that we admired. But I just thought, I don't think that helped Dave any, because I think maybe he bought

a little bit into the, I must crush Jay. And I thought, I would listen, I would listen to it and I think, no, no, no, just be yourself, do your thing. I don't know, I sound like probably an old Zen hippie now, but I didn't see the point of, yes, when, when Mayweather fights somebody, he really does do battle, do you know what I mean? Yeah. But when comedians are doing talk shows, it doesn't translate into a battle.

I don't think it's just do your work or don't, you know. When I was in high school, I was in the band, you know, and we'd have these band competitions. And I always thought it felt weird that there was a band competition and like, this is not the, this is not the football team, you know, it's like, it's music, right? I mean, it just seemed odd that we would have competitions. And then I got into radio, you know, I did 12 years of morning radio before doing anything on television. And so that kill or be killed mentality definitely made sense to me.

That was what I knew, you know, and that was what happened in every market. And that's where the stakes are really high because you're in Seattle and if you get fired, you have to pack your things and move. There's not another radio station for you to go to. And so that's where things get kind of ugly. And yet you think the whole, you think your audience driving into work knows that there's this battle going on between you and the guys at 96.5 DX and they don't. And they're not, they have no idea and they don't care.

They just want to know what songs coming on. I think it all boils down to what helps you. And I think I'm sure there are some comedians who are helped by the fact that I want to crush. I want to destroy that person. And that never helped me. It never. Me neither.

It never helped me. I never looked at someone else and thought the nicest thing I could say is if I saw someone else do something and thought, damn, I wish I had thought of that. That's a really funny idea that that was just that's the highest compliment that I could pay them. There was no resentment. There was just like, damn, that was really good. But I didn't then want to do that because they already thought of it.

So there's no fun in doing something that somebody else did and it's also wrong. And so I, so the competition of it all didn't resonate with me. I always thought the stuff that I really liked that I've done in my career has been stuff that later on people came up to me and said, yeah, I saw that it was like quarter to one in the morning. I was 19. That was the one of the weirdest things I ever saw, but it meant something to me. And those are, those are the moments I kind of live for.

I don't think that sketch defeated anybody that night. I don't think we, I have no idea sometimes what they're talking about because I've forgotten. But, but to me, it's just about making those connections. And I think sometimes that that's the part I think the media can miss out on because they don't know how to write about that. They only know how to write who beat who. And they do it less now because I think it's so clear that everyone's doing their own thing. And there are so many different shows that it is, and let's be honest, there was genuine

bad blood between Dave and J. I mean, it was real. It was almost Shakespearean in a way, you know, Dave put J on his show and J became big because the show and CBS said, you know, J, if we don't get Dave, we'll hire you. It was all, it was really, it's like a movie. Oh yeah. And then it was a movie. Yeah, it was. A movie I've never seen, by the way.

You know what? It's surprisingly good. It's called The Late Shift. The Late Shift. I read the book, but I never watched the movie. The movie came out and I watched it. I very much wanted to be in it because I'm the character that comes in at the very end and I wanted to be played by a Belgian actress.

I remember that being, but no, I'm not in the, I'm not in the movie. But it's, it's oddly, it's oddly good. It's better than, I mean, Bill Carr is a good writer and it, the hard part is getting over. That's not David Letterman. It's a guy playing David Letterman, but he's not bad. And then the guy playing Leno is, you know, Leno-y. Yeah. So, do you have it?

I don't know why I never, I, you know, I probably just didn't, what was it on HBO or something? I probably just didn't have HBO is the dumb reason why I never saw it. I think of all the regrets you can have in life, not watching the dramatized depiction. I mean, all the movies to not see that would be one you might think I would have checked out. There's, I don't know. I still think weekend at Bernie's too, where he's a zombie is a better use of your time. But yeah, what's interesting is getting to, you know, a couple of times I've talked to

you and this is stuck with me, I think several, on several occasions you've asked me, well, how long do you think you're going to do it for? Yeah. You say you're like, how many times are you going to ask me that? Yeah. And you're always asking me, how many times are you going to do it for? How long are you going to do it for? And my honest answer is I'll do it as long as I'm having fun and then I'll do something

else, but I want to keep making stuff. Oh, you're having fun. I am, actually. Yeah. What is that like? Well, I'll tell you, but you're having fun, aren't you? Yeah. I don't have fun doing anything I feel like I have to do.

I don't know what it is about me, but it's a curse and I do have fun on occasion. I have glimmers of fun, but the relentlessness of the job is the relentlessness. Okay. Well, let's talk about that. What if this is a job you could walk away from when you do ever consider that? And if you do, what scares you about doing that? Well, a few things scare me about it. Number one, the thing that scares me the most about it is I don't know how I will feel when

I stop doing it. I know myself well enough to know that I'll make the worst out of any situation. So I could see myself going, okay, that's it. I'm done. And then going home and going, what did I do? And you can't really come back. I mean, there's no, you don't come back. It just doesn't work that way.

And I think people have, I think that's happened. I've seen people do that. And I think you know, you know, people do that and I just, you know, that scares me. Well, first of all, the many you say that I think I can think of many hosts and comics who if they walked away from it, they'd be screwed because they're antisocial and they're narcissists and their whole life is built around this show and doing this show, even if it pains them. You are different.

You are an incredibly gregarious guy who has a lot of other interests. You're like a, you're a great chef and cook and you, you love to live life. You love to, you love to have fun. You love to make friends. So you don't really fit that mold. I see you having a really good time if you weren't doing the show. You don't seem, you're not the one that's going to like retire into a dark room and go to a dark place.

I don't think. Absolutely not. I think you are right. And I know that you're right, but also there's just that, well, what if, what if I stop doing it and then I just don't know what to do with myself? Right. Well, my goal today is to talk you off of television. Thank you.

I want you out because that's if anyone could do it. It's you. That's a pretty. I ask you these questions and then I slide right in. I'm looking for guidance. Coden's on ABC. You know, there was a time when ABC came to me and they said, Hey, we just want you to know up front, we are, we're going to talk to Conan about replacing you.

And I don't, they never did. We want to be up front with you. I wish they'd been up front with me. I love that. I'd like to have been in on that. I love that they never did. I love that they went to the lanes of telling me this and didn't really and then never did.

Right. Oh my God. No, no. I was very aware of, I had, I had, I had one opportunity when I was at NBC, a really strong push to go to Fox that was a real, real thing. But that was it. And I didn't do it. I wanted, I wanted to stay with NBC because it makes me laugh now, but I wanted to stay

with NBC because I was like, I want to have my whole career at NBC because they've been good to me and I'll stay with them. And then I also wanted to be linked to my body of work. And then cut to a couple of years later, a massive grenade going off, but. That is so crazy. That is, I have to say, I'm like, I'm just taking a back by that because I assume that you spoke to them and then you decided that that was something that you didn't want to do.

No, I had no, you know, first of all, if I, Why did they have to be so up front with me? And you know that, you know, there's a really good chance too that it's in their DNA. They love to screw with you. They really do. The woman who said this to me is a person that I am still friendly with and I don't think she would do that with any kind of malice. I, in fact, I think it was a painful phone call for her to make.

That's crazy. What year was this? Maybe you just didn't want to talk to them. Maybe that's what happened. I was probably busy with your grandfather. That was, hey, Conan, there's a big call for you from ABC. Quiet. I'm talking to this guy whose tie is made of spectacles.

He covered in eyeglasses. Tell them I'll call them later if I remember. It was before, it was before you made the deal that you'd wait five years and then take over. It was before that. Yeah. Best deal I ever made. It's good that we can laugh about it now.

I'm sure. I actually was able to, you can't see this. I'm not drenched in beer because we shouldn't be drinking. This is the first time we've had beer and you're okay. You didn't get that wet. No, I'm a little bit. It was your, you know, it's odd, it's your headset cord. Thank you.

It was your headset cord and you're the guy that spent 30 years in radio. I know. You guys, you ever heard of wireless? Yeah. Sorry. Well, we like to do it the old fashioned way. Yeah. Okay.

We like to grow as I get on the plane later today. Yeah. It's always great when a yeasty smell is coming out of your crotch. At least it's from mine. Oh, that's my crotch yeast. I farm that to make home brews. You know, I think also that there's this time in a person's career, especially in late night television, I had it.

I'm sure you had it too where you're so vulnerable, you know, you're hanging on by a thread or even when the rest of the world thinks you're doing all right, you think that you're just barely hanging on. This is how I'll, I'm talking from my own experience. I know I'm with you on this. I always felt and, and I was told many times early on 93, 94, we've got your replacement picked out. He's waiting in the wings.

They would say this to you. I would know. Yeah. It would be made very clear. It was written about. I think it was Greg Keneer. Right. I've been with him for a while and I mean, it's funny because this is one of the things

I like to explore on this podcast a little bit is to be really honest about what somebody feels in a career versus what it looks like to your average person. And if anyone was taking a snapshot or just a couple of snapshots of your career to them, it just looks like got into radio, you know, and then radio and then you're doing stuff on a television, these, these, and then you're doing more on TV and then it's just this, it just looks like this smooth ride to the top and they're not seeing. They're not seeing eight months after I started and when I was praying, then that work would just cancel the show because I didn't have the temerity to, to step away from it myself

because I had so many people in my life working for me, depending on me, at least I thought at that time, depending on me to keep them employed. And I was doing, our show was five nights a week and it was from 9.05pm to 10.05pm every night. And I was going through a divorce and custody battle. Yeah, we were talking about radio, this is the ABC show now. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, this is the, the late night show and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I would like on the weekends, I would just go stand outside. I'd just go stand on the street because I was working in the basement at our studio. We hadn't, I had no windows in my office and ABC told me that I couldn't move upstairs because it would cost $50,000 to remodel it. Right. They didn't know whether we were going to be around so they were like, screw you, you're not, you're not going upstairs until. They said we're giving that office to Conan when he comes.

He's here in a week. More or less. And it was terror, it was, it was one of the, weirdly it should have been one of the high points of my life. It's one of the low points of my life. It was a time where, you know, no, I had no respect. It'd be five PM and we have no guests and it would be like, all right, well, um, call Sarah Silverman and call Adam Caroll.

You know, just call one of my friends to come on the show that night. And it was just so insanely stressful. And it's funny because you do look back on it, you go like, what was really stressful about it? I mean, no one was going to die, you know, but when you're in it, when you're in it and when it's your self esteem and when it's your, you know, when it's your career, um, you care so much. Yeah.

And. Norman Lear's book. Did you read Norman Lear's book by NHS? I did not. No. He, um, one week he was, uh, in World War Two, um, shooting at Nazi planes. And then, uh, three weeks later, the war was over and he was in an interview to try to get a job as a young publicity agent.

And he was terrified. Yeah. Sitting in that office. No, there's just crazy. I don't know. I think the human body, I get fight or flight all the time, uh, my fight or flight mechanism gets triggered and my body, which, you know, what we know about human evolution is that we haven't changed much in the last 10, 15,000 years.

So my body thinks I'm being attacked by another tribe, uh, up in Northern Ireland and they're coming, they're coming. Are you Irish? They're coming. Yeah. Just a little bit. And they're coming at me with like sharpened potatoes to kill me. But what I'm doing is I'm at a benefit and I don't like the sound of the room and I gotta

go up there and the acoustics aren't good. It's the same. My body thinks it's the same. And so I think there's just your sharpened potatoes. I hope that one day you write a book called Sharpened Potatoes. So I'm working on it now. And we're back. Wasn't that incredible?

That was a quick break. We had an amazing break. I want to thank Jimmy, Jimmy, uh, not only booked himself on this show, which I thought was very nice. Jimmy also brought some of the best barbecue I've ever tasted. We should give those people a plug. We brought tons of barbecue and APL restaurant on Hollywood and Vine here. It's a guy named Adam Perry Lang and it's fantastic.

It is. It is just great. I love it. And this leads into my, my next area. I want to talk to you about you, um, you feed people and you love to feed people. I do. And it's, and it's this thing that's very nice. I, I don't disparage it in any way.

And I joked you in an email that clearly this comes from a dark, dark place. Yeah. I don't think it does, but it's a very nice thing you do, but I started to think about it after you sent me that email and I think you're right. I think there's some level of anxiety that, uh, it helps me, you know, when I feed, you feed people, they accept you. Right. I mean, that's like an automatic.

Right. I mean, I made my kids who I hope will eventually begin to accept me pancakes this morning. I made a pancake shaped as a unicorn and a pancake shaped as an airplane. My son is upset. And I love to cook and I think part of it is because I do sometimes feel like I make nothing. The show, we put it on the air that night and it's gone and I just don't have anything physical and making food, cooking things feels like, like you're doing something right

is like something that would have been valuable 200 years ago. Yes. That's when you meet these people like, uh, a Dax Shepard or a Nick Offerman. And there are these men that build things out of mahogany or they know how to, you know, they know how to like, I just built this engine from the ground up and I put it in this truck. Right. And now I'm taking it for a ride to go haul some rocks cause I'm building a wall. And you're just, I look at them and I think I, I can, I think say randomly funny things

on occasion and we capture, we try and capture it on television and, uh, I kind of like to mess around on the guitar and I think that's it. I think that's all I, I think that's what I got. You don't have any other hobbies besides music? Uh, I do. I'm, you know what I am as I love to, I mean, I don't even know if it counts as a hobby, but I love to read. I like to try and know things, uh, about, I love history.

So it's probably a hobby. Is it a hobby? Can you say that reading is a hobby though? I don't know. I think as if a technicality, yes, it is a hobby, but it's almost like, yeah, saying like, I love water. I like to drink. I know.

It sounds like drinking water. It doesn't sound like a real hobby. A hobby implies something you get better at. Have you gotten better at reading? Hmm. Well, since you're a child, sure. Yeah. Uh, I did.

Yeah. I did get better. I would say I probably peaked in 1971 on the reading scale. So I don't know that I, uh, I got any better, but, um, I like, uh, uh, riding bikes. Uh, I mean, it all sounds pretty mundane. I don't have, I really wish I could say, it sounds like what an 11 year old. Yes. All the things I've learned to read and then I'll ride my bike and I like to bang on my

guitar. I like to bang on my, my little plastic guitar and I like, I like a nap and I love my mom. I really love my mom. That's true. I think I probably not really evolved much since then, but, uh, but I think it's nice that you cook for people. Uh, I think that's a nice thing. Um, it's a nice instinct.

I mean, the stuff you brought in today, you, you purchased, but you are a great cook. Would you call yourself a great cook? No, I wouldn't call myself a great cook. I mean, everyone who eats at my house calls me a great cook, but I know they're all full of shit. Right. It's, no, I'm good though. I'm, as far as home cooks go, I'm, I'm very, I'd say I'm very good.

Right. I know what I'm doing, especially when it comes to grilling, smoking, and, um, Italian food. Pizzas also. I make a nice pizza. Uh, I love pizza. Pizza is my Achilles heel. Yeah. I, once I started eating a pizza, that's another hobby.

Eating pizza. Um, I see that's where our hobbies can really match up. Yeah. I, uh, I was in, we shot a show in Italy and we went to Naples to one of the, reputedly the, the best pizza place in Naples. Yeah. And I went there with our producer, George Slansky, and we were supposed to be taping a segment and they put the pizza down in front of me and I started to eat it and I started

to cry. I really started to weep. The pizza was so, it was my favorite, the favorite thing in the world was happening to me. I was eating this incredible pizza when the, when the crust is thin and it's been well made. Do you do that kind of pizza? Oh yeah. Yeah.

My pizza guru is a guy named Chris Bianco and he's got a restaurant in Phoenix and he, the New York Times named him the best pizza maker in the United States and everyone in New York got very, very upset. See, from New York. But look at this. Look at this. You've got all these friends. And just in, in, in talking to you in this conversation, you're, I'll say something like,

yeah, I ate a pear this morning. You go like, I know a guy who grows the best pears. His name's Bill Palmeri. He lives over in, you know, Mudwater Gulch. He's got a restaurant called, you know, Sabba Daba Jones and it just comes out of you. You've got a million friends. Those two guys, Adam and Chris Bianco are, are two of my best friends. And it's because, partly because they do what I aspire to do.

They are like, Adam is, you know, when it comes to beef and cooking, you know, roasting a pig, there's nobody better than Adam. And when it comes to pizza, Italian food, there's nobody better than Chris and I happen to love those guys personally. So I'm interested in learning from, I like to learn from them. I really do. I, I, and I always do learn something from watching them cook or helping them or really just cleaning up around them.

You have, it's this thing that gets talked about every now and then you're probably, you can, we can pass over it if you don't want to talk about it, but it's this thing that I've always, My huge genitalia. Is that one here? I'm trying to get that out there. I don't know. Okay.

Let's get it out there. Yes. Let's get that out there. I've heard about that a lot. Yeah. The second thing I've heard about. Oh, you've heard about that? Yes.

Oh yeah. Who told you about that? Oh, it's all over town. Did Sarah tell you? Oh, no. I know it's quite a different story, but anyway, it's all over town, the old big cockaroo. But I was, you know, I was a couple of years ago, people were telling me, yeah, Jimmy does this thing where he eats a meal on Wednesday and then he doesn't eat any food for March

and April. And I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, he eats all he wants on Wednesday in the, in late February and he doesn't eat anything in March and April, but then he has some ice cubes, but then he has a giant cannoli, it's as big as his house and it all got like, it was clearly a game of telephone, but everyone had this crazy. It's not that far off, by the way. Yeah.

It just sounded insane. And I thought. It is insane. I've stopped doing it, but it works. Was it? It's, you know, now, if you're sick of talking about it, don't think. No, I'm not sick of talking about it. Now there is a term for it, but there wasn't a term for it when I started doing it.

I saw a BBC documentary about this Indian man who will like go a month without eating and the research that they've done about the effects that it has on the brain, you know, supposedly reset your body to fast. And for me, mostly I was like, all right, I'm fat. I want to lose weight. I also cannot control myself once I start eating, but I can control myself when I'm not eating. You know, if I decide I am not going to eat for 24 hours.

It's easier to say no to everything than to have some and not have some. So how long would you not eat for? So on Mondays and Thursdays, I wouldn't eat. And then I'd eat as usual the rest of the week. And it was very effective. It worked. I mean, if you think about it, you're cutting, like, you know, whatever, 7000 calories out of your diet, whatever it was, right?

And would you work out as well? Or is it just when I started working out is when it came to an end because I was just ravenously hungry. Right. And that changes it, changes it. Yeah, it was it was this crazy game of telephone in Hollywood where everybody's always playing different. Every commercial break was some guy about my age asking me how I do it and will I ride

it down and send it to them. Right. And and it was really funny. It became like a I wish I was some kind of lifestyle guru because I probably could have profited from this at some point. My my plan is pretty simple. Just don't eat for two days. Well, yeah, it all got it got warped so much that I think at one point I heard he doesn't

shit. He only urinates. That's true. He did. And it was like. But I was like, how does that work? Yeah, exactly. And it was.

Oh, he had an operation. His anus was sealed. He was like, wait, what does that do? Oh, you'll see in India. It just gets all confused. I feel like I was I was lucky to like start out pretty fat, you know, and because it's funny too, because you can tell who doesn't watch the show, but people will look at me like, wow, you've lost weight.

You know, like even like last week, somebody's like, well, look at how much weight you've lost. And I think, well, really, I've gained like 12 pounds over the last year or so. But you obviously haven't seen me on television since you saw me on television, you know, in 2008. Yeah. Well, that's that's the other thing to you. I have that experience all the time where people will make a casual comment and I'll

think, oh, you read into it. Yes, like, yeah, so you like it at NBC and I'm like, that's that's that's 10 years. Wow. It's been a while. For me, when people do that to me so frequently that I am very conscious of it when I never will bullshit somebody like an actor or director or whatever when I haven't seen their thing, I won't just go, hey, great job with that because I have that fear that they will that I am as transparent as they are when they do it to me.

Right. And so I just don't do it. Don't do you don't you don't say I liked it if you didn't see it or right. What I do, I don't know how you have a code code. What is it? Yeah. Oh, people are people are loving this. People are loving this is my way of saying I didn't watch it or I watched it and I didn't

like it. But some people do like it. So I will say like, oh my God, people are loving this thing you did and they so want it to go well. They go like, oh my God. Yeah. No, this is people love my new play, Donovan's Crutch, you know, and and and but it's just I say, yeah, people are and you know what, man, people have people there's a lot of buzz

and it's a lot of that and I never use the word I because I don't want to lie. I don't want to lie either. And so what I will usually do is I'll ask the producers on the show if they've seen it and what they thought and if they say it's terrible, I just won't watch it. So that way I yes, I just I haven't seen it yet and that's my excuse for not complimenting it. Right. Right.

But I will never compliment it. Maybe it may be just I get help start tap dancing every once every 500 times. But I won't compliment something if I haven't if I didn't like it. I should get Mario van Peebles on the payroll and pay him to tell me that things are good. So I can say, people's love it and it's but it's but technically, technically, I haven't lied. Well, yes, you have a lot because his middle name isn't Van. It's his last name is Van Peebles.

So if you were to start saying Van Peebles loves it, but you know what I would people in Vans like this, I could swallow the van a little bit. Yeah, swallow the van. I just be like, you know what, Van Peebles loves it and they're so what do you mean? What are you owing for? I don't I think you should leave. I have every right to be here. And I have I don't like I have nine pounds of people's like me.

You may not like me, but Van Peebles loves me. No, I should leave. No, no. Yeah, I um, yeah. And the worst thing is when you like something and then the actor informs you during the commercial break that even though they were in it, they don't like it. Right. And it makes you feel like an asshole.

Right. They're like, you like that. And I'm like, yeah, that was real good. And I'm like, oh, my God, Jesus, what do I stumble into here? The director didn't follow any of my direction. Yep. Yeah. I find that I go into triple time.

I didn't know. I think it came out really good. I think, you know, you know, it's it's it's it makes you feel small. My whole career has been to speak as little about the project as possible, to try and have as much funny stuff happen. And then at the very end, now, obviously there are times where you're talking to, you know, a huge star and like a Bradley Cooper and they've got a star's born. It's giant.

And you spend a lot of time talking about it because it really is good. You really did like it. And it's it's so you're sincere about all that. But there were so many times where I'm playing a game in my head of how long can I keep this person talking about and and being entertaining and telling stories before I really quickly at the end get to and you got a movie. Yeah. And especially when the transition is awkward, the movie is, you know, you're put on and so

and you're oh, you're shooting in the Himalayas. Now you play a rapist in this trial. Rapist. Yeah. And there's no there's no way. Yeah. There's no way out. And you just have to just just lift the energy and head and march into commercial.

You know, the thing to do is not try to make it clean. Did you say something like, man, I love balloons, too. Right. What? Right. You are a rape. You are a rapist in this film, the harder the turn. I think sometimes the more shocking tip I'm going to try to do that.

Just do that. That'll be my transition. Yeah. No. Anyway. Yeah. Huge, really funny story about the time she lost the birthday cake. And then blind.

What? Blind. You have your blinds in this movie. Just upset them as much as you can. I wish you internal peace as someone who's been on a similar journey. I wish you. Yeah. I think in the last, I talk about this sometimes on this podcast, but more and more I've just

tried to say, did I like today? Did I make some stuff today that I was proud of? Did I have a good time with my family when I got home? Did a podcast go well? Did I put something out there that I kind of like? It doesn't happen every day. But if I can do that. When it does, it's a good day.

Yeah. It's a good day. Have you had shows where you put a lot into it or? Like last night on our show, I know there's a tape, so this will. This will air four years from now. Four years ago. This will air after my death. We had Tom Brady who's on the show and he's never been on and we went over to Matt Damon's

house and threw a football through his front window, which was funny. And then the creators of Game of Thrones were on the show and I love that show and I had a lot to ask them. And then Jason Momoa showed up, he was on Game of Thrones and he just came with them and it was kind of a surprise. I went home and I was like, well, that was kind of a big show. And I sometimes think about the people in the studio audience and I think that must have been fun for them.

They got two surprise stars on. It's one thing to see the people you're expecting to see, but then Matt Damon shows up and Jason Momoa, Aquaman shows up and it's like, it's kind of a big deal. But then I go like, oh, what do we have on Monday? It's like, oh, we got nothing. Generally nothing planned for Monday. Right. That's what it is.

Refilling that hole over and over again. Yeah. It is, it is feast and famine. Man, this took a dark day. I was worried that this, this conversation would eventually get to us just complaining about our jobs. You never complain. No, I do.

Reaping. I think, yeah. I think we can't. Let's say the rule. I wish, I don't have a tattoo, but if I had a tattoo, I would, I would tattoo on my hand. Don't complain. I would get mine of tattoo. The Urve Villages.

Why not? Urve Villages saying, don't complain. Oh. Are you, is this your way of asking me to get matching tattoos? Don't complain. Don't complain. See? Don't complain.

See? See? I like that. Solid. I'm just saying. You need to work on the accent, but on paper, that was brilliant. Well, that's how I got started, you know? I mean, I really should be handing this off to professionals, but they all went away.

Well, this was, this was a joy. I know, you don't have a show today. No show today. No. So you and I both have that, our shoulders are dropped. When there's no show, the shoulders are dropped. Oh, it makes me envious of everyone who works in our office that doesn't have to host the show.

You know, we go into work and we'll work on Fridays, but when I leave on Thursday night and the crew says, have a great weekend, I always look at them like, you have a great weekend. I'm going to be, I'm going to be taping bits to tomorrow all day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They just, I get very, I get very, very, it's funny, I have a fantasy.

You just reminded me of it, which is there are times where I've wanted to be a writer on my own show who doesn't have a bit on that day and I'm just wandering around. And because I can remember being at start out live and not having a sketch on and just sort of hanging out that week and hanging out by the craft service table and, and being in around the excitement, but not feeling the pressure and being, being kind of content and happy. And I've always thought I'd be such a different person. And if I was a writer on the, on my show, and I was just hanging around, making people

laugh and then getting some nachos and then taking off half an hour early because no one's really paying attention. I thought that might be a good gig, but the host would be an asshole to me. Yeah, right. Well, this was really nice of you to come by. Thank you for having me. It was a pleasure. It was very nice talking to you.

I'm enjoying listening to the podcast. I've listened to a bunch of them and I wonder though, if there's any follow up, like, is this it or is this real friendships developed? You and I will never speak again. We'll never speak again. Okay. This is actually the, the side note to this is that this is how friendships end. Are they breaking up?

Yeah. No, it's, you know, it's nice. I, um, I do think I am, I say this sincerely, it's a really nice way to sit down and talk to people. It is. Yeah. And there've been people in my life that I've sat down with and Ben Storer came on and we sat and we talked.

It was the best conversation I've had with Ben Storer in my life. And we've known each other off and on, but we're always working and we're always busy. And so we just got to sit and talk. And so it was, it was very nice. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, this is a good, this is why I wanted to do it. Yeah. It seemed like, uh, it's, it's, it's, it seemed positive.

Yeah. It seemed good for the country. Well, I think the country is doing fine right now and I don't think it needs, doesn't need anything from me. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. Why put a shine on a Picasso?

Yeah. Exactly. It's going so well. Let's just leave it alone. Jimmy Kimmel. Thank you so much for being here. You're a good man. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. I'll shake your hand and thank you for bringing what looks to be $900 worth of meat. And sorry, I soaked your studio with beer. It's okay. It's, uh, finally sounds like the frat house it was always supposed to be. In your trap. You murderous fiend. Oh, this is not a trap.

Okay. Occasionally we, as you know, take voicemails from listeners who want to know something about you or impart some comment that they've, uh, want to say about the show or your empire. And I think that this one is really interesting. Let's go ahead and play it. Um, this is Carol and I was calling you to, uh, see if you could play bridge tomorrow, but I think I left. I must have the wrong number.

Your number came up on my cell phone. So I don't think you meant to call me because I don't think I know you. If you were calling me, my number is 602, 3, 4, thank you. Well, I didn't respond. Carol, yes. This is Conan O'Brien and I want to talk to you about playing bridge. So how do we make this happen? You can contact me at Warner Brothers studios and my assistant Sona.

We've been trying to get in touch with you because I want to be your bridge partner. I don't know where you live. I will fly to you, whatever it takes. I don't know how to play bridge, but I will take several courses before I, uh, arrive at your house and I'll be ready to go. What I do know about bridges, I think it's four people. Yeah. Um, I will bring, should I bring two other people or do you have his Gertrude coming

and Estelle? Are they in on this? Cause the last thing I heard is Gertrude could do it, but Estelle can't do it because she had some bad egg salad and so she's laid up for a little bit. So let me know. But Carol, yes. Conan O'Brien, uh, from Los Angeles and I very much want to play bridge and you need me to bring anything.

I make a mean corn cobbler. Not many people. Most people think that a cobbler has to be fruit. I'm one of those people who thinks no, it can be corn, it can be bean, uh, it can be a salsa fee cobbler, uh, it can have oregano, uh, chives, some cheddar because it also has a CH sound. So let me know. Also, thank you for leaving your number.

How many people would be listening to this now? Do we guess? Oh. Eventually. Million. Yeah. So Carol, we're going to need more fold out chairs because a lot of people, a lot of people are going to be coming to watch us play bridge as many as a million people, uh,

some diehard comedy fans, uh, some people that just like podcasts and have heard about the new Conan one that's sort of blowing up. We know Ben Stiller listens. He'll be there. Ben Stiller will be there. Yeah. He has a wheat allergy. Ben Stiller, he listens to the podcast so he cannot have heard about your famous grilled

cheese sandwiches, but he will not be having one. So Carol, let's make this happen. Are you guys coming too? So are you coming? Um, I'm definitely coming. Okay. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Do you play bridge? You seem like a guy who would play bridge. That's why we were just talking about this, that I'm going to be taking some classes and learning bridge. Why? Because I feel like it's a dying game and my grandparents used to play, but my parents don't. And I would love to bring it back.

Right. Yeah. Do you have to take classes? Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's different signals. You send your partner bids in east, west, north and south. I mean, those are just directions.

No. This is like a bridge. That's where you sit. Bridge is like a white person thing. I don't know anything about it and I'm the way person in the room. You don't, but like, you know, your aunt probably played. I don't know. I don't know that my aunt did because she was murdered by a bridge by actor Lloyd Bridges.

Okay. I love how quick and witty this is. You're so hip. You're talking about bridge. He's the one. Gurley has old Bakelite phones that were owned by Eisenhower. He wants to learn how to play bridge. Yeah.

Yeah. You probably want to smoke because you could then roll your own cigarettes, right? No. No. And then you're going too far. And then go wait for like, oh, I'm waiting for a taxi. Well, here's an Uber. No.

I'm waiting for a vintage 19, late 40s taxi. No. And while I'm waiting, what newspaper are you reading there? Gurley, are you reading today's news? No. I'm reading the 1959 Dallas Tribune. You telling me you wouldn't if it was in front of you? I'd look it over.

Yeah. I look at the ads. Yeah. I know. What are you talking about? Yeah. I know. This guy's an old typewriter and a dictaphone.

And who knows what? I'm not a dictaphone. I wish I had a dictaphone. See? No, so not. Take this down. See? When you first got your typewriter, you would write out tasks for me on your typewriter.

And it would take you a really long time. Okay. Instead of just telling me. Those are worth money. No, they're not. Those are typed by Conan O'Brien. I wish I had a dictaphone right now because I'd say, Sona, Sona, Conan here, make sure you get a message to Carol about our bridge game.

Make sure she knows that Ben Stutter has a weed halogy and he'll be joining us. You did a whole riff on how he likes old things. Yeah. I just think that you really like old things too. I do. Yeah. I do. And yet you don't like it in me and I just wonder if that's projection of some kind.

Yeah. What's happening? Well, you know, I have some self-loathing and when I look across the table and I see you, Gourley, you see a version of myself that forgot to work out. Now listen, Gourley, everyone knows that I'm a very muscular man. Jesus Christ. I'm kidding. For the sake of that joke, I suddenly made myself a very muscular guy.

Sona, will you tag me out? I don't know. I don't like the stare he's giving me right now. You came at me hard. Did I? Yes, you did. I defended myself, you predator. Yeah.

What? Yeah. I don't know what's happening, but I'm just on Matt's side. Which predator? Am I the predator from the movies? The one that's... Yeah. Wait, make that sound again?

Hey, that's pretty good. Oh, that's good. Hey. We found out what you do. No. No. No. No.

No. No. I'm not going to take your top of it. That's terrific. That's great. No. You're saving it. No.

We've been looking and our national hunt is over. Ladies and gentlemen, our long national night matters ended. Matt Gourley. Matt Gourley can do something and it's the predator noise. Oh, I don't need to take this. Hooray. Balloons are coming down from the ceiling. No.

No. They would find it. No. No. I wish this was a song, but Gourley can do something. A part of you wishes that he fired you, right? Yeah. That's how I am sometimes.

Yeah. There is a bit of that. Where he's like, go fire and you'll be like, really? Now, let me tell you what I really think. Do you have a speech workout? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah.

Maybe we should. I thought that you have a speech workout. You have no speech workout. I'm joking. I'm just going to drop the mic and go, I'm out of here. Yeah. Trash the place. I don't have the authority to fire either one of you.

Yes, you do. I really don't think I do. Uh-huh. You threatened to fire me. Really? Yeah, but I don't. I don't have the power. Yes, you do.

I don't. Once we were fighting, you really got close to firing me. Yeah, but then I realized I can't. You know, first of all, you know everything. You know, I don't know how to get cash. I don't know. I thought you had like dark secrets. Oh, she knows those too, but I think those are pretty clear when you listen to the podcast.

Yeah. But I don't know where things are. I don't know how to access anything in my life. Yeah. I can't find my wife most of the time. I have made you very dependent on me, which is good, but yeah, no, it's gotten close. No. I don't think it's gotten that close, it's sort of, at the time, I will say this, you

go, I go. Oh, same with you, Matt. No, I can't ask that of you. No, I would. You have a longer history. No. No. Well, none of this stuff is making it on.

It's going to end with the predator thing, which is just a direct hit. That's the Death Star blowing up. Oh, are you kidding? That's the tip of the iceberg. Yeah. This is the medal ceremony later on where Yoda gets a medal or something, but the Death Star just blew up and now you're just going, no, Yoda wasn't in that one. Well, he was.

No, he wasn't. The first one? No, but it blew up in the third one, too. That was a different Death Star. Yeah, Death Star, too. Was it? Yeah, but they had a different name. Oh, my God.

No, it didn't. Yeah, it did. No, it didn't. It did. It wasn't called, you'd think they would just say Death Star, too. They had to put the ugliness of the first explosion behind them. You don't say Death Star, too, but it does not have another name. Yeah, it's Planetoid 9000.

No, it is. Look it up. No, actually, no George Lucas. No, I'm not going to let you go. I know George Lucas and it's Planetoid 9000. The Federation is not going to go, oh, man, remember that Death Star we spent nine years building? You mean Planetoid 8000?

No, and it blew up. Yeah, Death Star, yeah. Well, we've rebuilt another one. What are we calling it? Death Star, too. I'm not saying it's good. That's just what it is. No, look it up.

Actually, in the actual Star Wars lore, it's Planetoid 9000. No. You two are the same person. Sorry. What's that? You're the same person, you and Matt. You have so many of the same interests that's, I mean, I've never been more different than anybody.

I don't agree. Yeah. The things you guys can talk about. And I'm just like. Ridiculous. No. I've never been more different than anyone than I am for Magor. I mean, just look at our posture.

You guys are sitting the same exact way. Once again, making a joke that doesn't make sense on a podcast. I knew Sona would explain it. Guys, listen, all of our fighting is probably upsetting Carol. So let's not argue anymore. Same point. Carol is trying desperately to get me to play bridge with her. And let's just hope we make that happen.

Carol, hang on, I'm coming. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review

featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Earwolf.