Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - John C. Reilly Live From The Orpheum Theatre

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Actor John C. Reilly feels f****ing stoked about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. John sits down with Conan to chat about the Clown Ministry, his most iconic roles, nourishing souls with his live show Mister Romantic, and relating to chimpanzees. Plus, Conan takes live audience questions about his taste in smoothies, starring in a Bollywood movie, and the worst way to celebrate an anniversary. Get your Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend Quinquennial Celebration vinyl here: https://bit.ly/4dulsXT For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

["Follow Us Here"] I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Conan O'Brien! Hey! Hey! Thank you! Thank you. Good'night everybody! That's all we needed. We literally just needed room tone and you gave it to me. Now get the fuck out of here. Thank you for that. Please have a seat.

That was insane. That was lovely. Thank you for that. Please have a seat. That was insane. That was lovely. Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to day 75 of the Netflix is a Joke 140 days of comedy special. 55 comedians a day for 15 weeks. So much more comedy than anybody wants. I think at the end, it's just the same comics at the beginning with mustaches on.

That's just my theory, but very happy to be here. I don't know why we're here. We do a show on Macs, so. Yeah. I honestly think... I honestly think Netflix doesn't know we're on max. I'm not kidding. They're like, we're really excited for the show.

It's doing great. I'm like, okay. We want you to be part of our big Netflix 19 weeks of every comedian that's ever been born. God, look at this place. I have performed in many venues and I've never been in this one before. This is the Orpheum Theater. This is gorgeous. Look at this.

This is a lot of pressure, this room. We'll get to you in a minute. This is a lot of pressure, this room. We'll get to you in a minute. This is a lot of pressure. This is so much pressure. This is a jewel box. This is a massive, gorgeous vaudeville jewel box, and I feel we should be like staging Les Mis here. Seriously, we should be doing something that has like 55 people having a battle on stage.

And instead we're doing a podcast. We have the most beautiful theater, one of the most beautiful theaters in the world, just so you can hear Sona call me a dick. And look at this, opera boxes. What did you people think you were coming to see? You're in opera boxes. I've never been in an opera box my whole life. Lincoln was in one once. You guys are in an opera box.

Did you bring those, those lorignettes? Those glasses you can peer at the other ladies? Ooh! Sona called him a dick. We're canceling our season tickets. Incredible. Is that the same sort of, just the same? Is it extra to be in an opera box or it's just luck of the draw?

How does it work? Speak to me, goddammit! I'm one of 175,000 comics on Netflix this seven month period. What's that, StubHub? I just love, that's the world we've come to. Do you know what I mean? That's the world we're in to do you know what I mean that's the world we're in right now you're sitting in an opera box and just went stop I pressed the button on stop up Kings and Queens should be sitting there! But the king couldn't figure out StubHub! You guys are amazing.

What a fantastic crowd, and you're here. I love you too. I really do love you. I'm saying that now. I've never said that to my wife. She calls me a good earner. There's two empty seats right here. What's going on? What's that?

Well, what's the policy here? I think someone should be sitting in those seats. No, no, not one of you, someone very wealthy. Someone in a bubble who can pay us millions of dollars to sit there so I can spend it on a gold helicopter. Don't you understand how show business works? No, we should seriously put people in these two seats, and I think it should be, I think go way to the back, go to some people that really got screwed over

way in the back, way to the back. Go to some people that really got screwed over way in the back. Way in the back. I command you, come forward. Come forward. And you can be even closer when Sona calls me a dick. See? Hey, quick shout out, my trainer's in the audience tonight. Jim, where are you?

Stand up, are you here? The guy, stand up, there he is! It's his fault that I look like this. Jim Lebinski, his nickname is The Lube, that is not a joke. And I'll tell him before we go on a run, I'll be like, I'm sore, and he's like, how can the lube that is not a joke. And I'll tell him before we go on a run, I'll be like, I'm sore and he's like, how can the lube help?

It's disgusting. I mean, I have answers, but I don't want to go into them. Lube, I'm getting a workout and thanks to you, I look exactly how old I am. Listen, we have so much show to get to, but before we do, I have to talk to you about this band. I've been asked by many people, many people have asked me, what is it you miss most?

Do you miss anything about doing the late night show every night? I said I loved it, I did it for 28 years, I thoroughly enjoyed it, I like what I'm doing now, I don't miss anything except I miss the band I miss you guys. I miss you every day Jimmy Vivino is our fearless leader On keys Scott Healy Those two guys were with me all those years. They heard every shitty monologue joke. On drums, Andy Sinisi is here.

And straight from the Old Testament on bass, Lee Sklar is here. Lee's an amazing guy. He is one of the best bass players in the world and also I think he's been in every third R. Crumb comic. That's an unbelievable beard. And you know what's disappointing? It ties on in the back. That's the sad part. Let me bring out two people who make my life a joy.

I'm talking about my attorney and my agent. No, I have, this podcast has been a revelation to me. We've been doing it over five years now and I, it's, I hope it comes through, but I don't know when I've enjoyed anything more than just screwing around this podcast. And these two people always surprise me and they get so much fun. Sonam Oksessian, Matt Gorley. That was a very nice intro. That was nice.

It sure was, you dick. Yeah. And the opera boxes are emptying out. That's incredible. I haven't played this theater before, but it's absolutely gorgeous. 1924, it was purchased. It was built.

I don't know why I said it was purchased. It was built in 1772. And then purchased, yeah. I think we have a fantastic show tonight. I'm very happy to be part of this festival, even though we clearly don't belong. Yeah. And I wanna thank everyone for coming to a show,

I don't think our listeners across the world understand how difficult it is to get to a show downtown in Los Angeles. A lot of people here tonight, and I just wanna point this out, a lot of people here had to begin their journey 19 days ago. Many people didn't make it. They used pack mules and horses.

It is amazing to get all the way down here. And people did it and I'm told, no, you don't think so? It's not that bad. Okay. Sorry. Okay, you just undercut everything I said. I know, I completely deflated your whole joke, but it's just, it's not that bad. There's actually a lot of different ways

you could take public transportation, you could drive. There's a lot of different ways. Wait a minute, what's- Those little lime scooters, you know? Yeah. So you took public transportation to get here? No, I didn't. But you-

She actually bummed a ride with me. Yeah, you could. Is that true? So you two came together? Yeah. Okay, all right. Do you do those lime scooters? I picture you on a lime scooter. What do you mean. Is that true? So you two came together? Yeah. Okay, all right. Do you do those lime scooters? I picture you on a lime scooter.

What do you mean do I do them? Do you fuck the scooter? Do you ride around on those? I see you doing it. I see that ride. I see you with your two feet looking all like, ooh, I'm in Larchmont, you know? No.

Do you do that? No, you're the one that put us in Larchmont. I know, I like it there, but I'm not gonna ride one of those scooters around. I don't either. People wouldn't have it. I don't either. Okay. I've scootered. Really? You gotta be careful. What do you mean? No? I mean like you are- You're very clumsy. Yeah, you do, but you could scooter. It's a scooter-friendly town I want to see I want to see our bass player on a scooter. Wouldn't you see that beard? Leland Skrar.

Flowing in the wind. Wouldn't that just be incredible? So aerodynamic. People would think oh my god. God is back and he's on a lion's scooter. God came back to earth to save us and look what he's spending his time doing. Instead of all the problems we have in the world, well, time to solve all the, huh? Well, that seems reasonable, swipe. Swipe?

Swipe. Swipe? Swipe. I don't know. I've got, I take seven limos to work. They're all tied together so I burn more fossil fuels. Hi, I'm an asshole. Swipe, I'm so sorry. You think there's like a card reader on the scooter? It's possible?

Oh, is this one of those things where I'm exposed as not knowing what's going on? Well, trust me, on the Lime Scooter I used, you swipe. Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're exposed because no one knew you were out of it before. I know. Okay, laugh it up, you two, laugh it up.

You are a dick. Yeah. What the fuck? Who are you? This, you right there, you applauded me being a dick. I've proven I have the power to move people in their seats. I could snap one finger, and you'd be one row behind and slightly to the left. I won't do it, I promise. No, no, I'll, well, okay. Snap one finger and you'd be one row behind and slightly to the left.

I won't do it, I promise. No, no, I'll, well, okay. You may live. God, the power, I've gotten power mad. What else can you do with that? I don't know, I'm just telling you, this is, I get a big crowd like this and I get all excited. I won't sleep for weeks after this. I know, I know. This is, I get a big crowd like this and I get all excited. I won't sleep for weeks after this.

I know, I know. I get, I get revved up by a crowd. Yeah. I'm gonna be ready to party after this. And by party I mean have aspirin and go to bed after watching an old law and order. Oh. Yeah, this is fun.

My family's here. So you have to be, you have to be nice to me, I know. When you say your family's here, I picture everybody. Yeah, everyone. Every single person is in the audience. That's true. Yeah, no, so you have to be nice to me is what I'm saying. I do not have to be nice to you.

Yes, you should. People don't like that, it's been proven. People like it when we get into it, when we're totally ourselves, when you reveal some of your, you should. People don't like that, it's been proven. People like it when we get into it, when we're totally ourselves, when you reveal some of your, you know, flaws. People like that, people love that about the podcast. Okay, all right. Shoplifter.

Oh! It's been a long time since I did that. Oh, so what? You can't keep bringing it up. Every Manson member said that in prison. Oh. It's been since 69. You chopped up 75 people, it's been a while. No, I'm not equating your shoplifting

with the Manson family. You are. Yes, you are. That is exactly what you're doing. You know what, that's exactly what I'm doing, and I apologize. Oh, you do? No, I don't. Okay, I didn't think so.

I'm excited for our show. I really am. Me too. I think we have a good one. I think we have a good one. Yeah, I think we have a good one. You know, I don't know if we should, other matters that need to be discussed. Well there are, actually there's an announcement we have

about something coming out, very special. You know what, I'm so glad you reminded me. Thank you. I'm pregnant. Um. It's possible. It you. I'm pregnant. Um. Um. It's possible. It is. It's not.

Who knows? It is. I'm very fertile. I don't know. Stop wooing him. Don't woo. What are you guys doing? Yeah, what is this?

You know, you're gonna, you know, these are edited by Matt Gorley, who's a genius. He has a special machine that he invented that removes woos and turns them into, I hate you, Conan's. You've never listened, so you don't realize that. Conan and I get all the laughs and you're just chirps. Yeah. Cricket chirps.

Not only I don't listen to the podcast. I like to make it, but I'm not one of those people. I will at SiriusXM, I will listen to that and I'll check it out, but I don't do that. But my brother's even, my brother Neil won't listen to the podcast at all. And he says, well, I don't know how to do that. I mean, it's the easiest thing in the world

and he won't listen to it because to him, it's like, no, something comes on, NBC, CBS, or ABC at 11 o'clock and that's how it works. No, you don't just swipe. You do, you swipe. You just go up to a radio and you swipe it and then it plays a podcast. Oh, Hila, you're laughing it up, huh?

You're fucking up. Ha ha ha, everyone's laughing at you. Everyone's laughing at me. Everyone's laughing at me. But anyway, I asked him the other day, like we have this Max show, and it's been really fun, you know, it's been getting a very nice reception. And I asked my brother, Neil, like, have you checked it out? And he went, we don't have Cinemax.

And I said, it's not Cinemax. You're my brother. You watched every late night show I did for 28 years. He's like, I don't think we have it. I don't know. Forget it. Anyway, I'm not bitter at all. I've got exciting news.

And when I say I've got exciting news, you better believe it. Check this out. He turns to cards. Hey, I already said that part. We are pressing a second edition of our highly sought after Conan O'Brien needs a friend, Quinqueniel Celebration vinyl album. Yes.

Yes. There it is. Wow, raw enthusiasm. No, screw you, it's too late. We're unpressing. Screw you. I love an audience, I'm yelling at the crowd, screw you. It's a real push pull with you in the audience.

I know, I can't help it. I love you guys. Screw yourselves. The Team Cocoa Vinyl contains never before heard comedy bits and foolishness that doesn't exist anywhere else. Cause why would it? This limited edition orange vinyl, this one's orange. Yeah.

Oh, you're trying so hard to make up. Is limited to 5,000 copies. Oh my God, these things are gonna be like those coins that my parents bought. Oh, the Franklin Mint coins? Franklin Mint coins that have like Jimmy Carter on them. Then you find them later on in the attic and they're worthless and they have chocolate inside.

Is there chocolate in this vinyl? There should be, they don't have one. Hey, you gotta check these out. These things went like hotcakes last time. That's right. Meaning they cooled quickly. And only tasted good for about three minutes. I'm serious, these are highly sought after items.

A real collector's disc. Be sure to follow, shut up. Be sure to follow at team Coco on social and look for QR codes in the lobby to order yours after the show. Just walk up to the QR code and swipe your card. No! No!

No! No! Have you ever used a QR code? Of course I've used a QR code. Walk me through how it went. You hold your camera up to it. Okay. Because that's the way all menus were

during the old COVID times. Most of you don't remember. But when I was a child, there was this pestilence called COVID. And you'd say, I'm still gonna go to a restaurant and breathe everyone else's air, but I can't touch a menu.

That never made sense to me. Waiter would come up. What do you want? I'd like a menu. They spread jazones. Pah! Then you held your camera up. Well now the whole audience has COVID.

You guys are in the splash zone there. No, no, no, no. You're like the Gallagher of disease. No, I am not. That's terrible. Gallagher was the disease of disease. God rest his soul. There, that fixed everything.

He dead? Listen, I hate to put a kill on this, but we gotta cover some business before we get started. I was on a great COVID run. Yeah, keep going. It's not fresh or anything on everybody's mind. Let's just make it. Go ahead. Lay it on me.

What's going on? Well, before we get into the main part of our show, we have some business we have to take care of. And this is, it's true. I did hear about this. I don't know much about it. I was told just before the show, these are not as well prepared.

You can probably imagine, as you might think, but we were told that we have a sponsor who wants to come out and pitch in person. Usually we just read the sponsored ad, but we have a sponsor who wants to read in person, and I guess this is a very important service. I don't know much about who this is or what's going on. They told me it was a little bit of a surprise,

so let's find out. Yeah. Hello, I'm Dr. Arroyo. You may have seen me indoors on a recent episode of Hot Ones with Sean Evans. Sean Evans and his guest. But tonight...... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ...... Have you ever gone to a doctor with a health concern only to be told it was nothing? You paid a lot of money to be told it was nothing.

I'll tell you it's nothing for just $19 cash. Hello, I'm Dr. Arroyo. You said that. I know. And for just $19 cash I'll conduct a medical exam, check your vital signs, and say the reassuring phrases you came to a doctor to hear. Phrases like, it's harmless, that goes away on its own, and you should see my leg. Now you may ask, who am I to give medical advice? I'm Dr. Arroyo.

I graduated from one of the top doctor schools in the country it was in. And just this week, WebMD put me on their list of doctors to watch. I keep medical costs low by conducting exams al fresco in low traffic outdoor areas like alleys and bus shelters, underground parking garages. I know when the guard has to take a whiz. Of course, if your problems persist, by all means get a second opinion from a fancy indoor doctor. But get your first opinion from me for just $19 cash. For years, A-list celebrity hypochondriacs, like Conan O'Brien, have been coming to me

for their first opinion. And I've been right so far. Let me be right so far with you. And don't take my word for it. Here's Conan himself to vouch for my services. Conan? No one told me I was part of this. I know. I know, it would help out a lot. No, no, I am NOT gonna vouch for you. I'll give you $19. No, I'm good for that. You put a stethoscope on my

tongue. Yes, I did. It was the only way to get you to stop talking. Okay. He's... No, I am not gonna... I'm not gonna endorse you. He's the best doctor in LA, the best doctor in the world. No, I'm not endorsing you. I'm worried about the legal ramifications of me endorsing you. I'll defend you. Okay.

I'll defend you. You're barely a doctor and I know you're not a lawyer. Neither are you. Tie game. Wow. Again, great point. Why don't we just wrap it up, Dr. Arroyo. Alright. This is a very hot crowd. Dr. Arroyo everybody. Top doctor schools of the country it is in. Just having him on stage is like a tacit endorsement for you. That's troublesome. And for him, that's more troublesome.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we should move on to the crux of the evening, shall we not? Let's. Yes. I think it's time that we brought out our surprise guest for the evening and to do that,

I think we should set the tone, set the mood. So why don't we, who is it? You're about to, Why don't I take you backstage and we'll talk about it. Who is it? That killed me. That and stop hub. Okay, let's set the tone.

Let's dim the lights. And yes, let's dim the lights and get the band to play some nice mood music here. ["StubHub"] Hello, California. Hello, California. I'm John C. Reilly. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man

I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I feel like I kind of shot my wad up there.

I don't have much else to say. Well, that's fine. That was enough. Again, we're just getting room tone. I have to say, I was thrilled when I found out that you were able to do this. And this man is shooting. He's always busy because he's in the high demand. Shooting a movie, and then his company called and said they're not gonna let him out for this movie and this man said no No, I want to do it and moved everything so he could be here tonight. So a Lot of people are out of work right now

Because if you're selfish actions I have to go back there's a whole film crew just sitting around like not working right now, down the street. You know, we have a lot to talk about. It's funny because we've chatted a bunch of times, we have a bunch of things in common. It's hard to know where to begin with you because you've had a unique career. You've managed to play so many incredible roles and so many different types of roles. And we're gonna get into- You're about to say, you can't believe I made it this far?

Yeah, that's the old Kevin Nealon. I still, that's all he ever says to me is I can't believe you made it this far. And he means it. But you and I are both from, I'm one of six. I'm one of six kids. As am I. Irish Catholic family. And you are- One, I'm one of six. I'm one of six kids. As am I. Irish Catholic family, and you are?

One of six. One of six. Fifth of six. Fifth of six. I was third of sixth. And I've got, do you think birth order makes a huge difference? Oh yeah, oh yeah.

The middle ones, which in our families was two through five, are like, hey, I exist! That was me. Yeah. And that was me tonight, too. That's my whole life story is look at me, everyone. Don't write me off. And it's been that way since I was a kid. You still got it, man.

You still got it, Conan. I want you to warm up this beautiful crowd. This whole podcast thing I love because it's almost like, you know, when I watched your show on TV, I always thought like, what's it like when they just sit around and shoot the shit? Like in the room when they're coming up with ideas. That's what you really want to see after a while and here we're getting to see it. Yeah it's been it's been mistimed, Wu. That's a stub hub has too much confidence now. But like but when you know I don't know how much

Catholicism played a role in your life growing up, but I know it had a huge, huge influence on me. You might think you're done with Catholicism, but it ain't done with you. Yeah. What was your, did you have, did you go to like a Catholic school? I had to have Catholic instruction where, you know,

the nuns had the whole outfit. It was insane. I went to CCD, which I don't even know if they do this anymore, but in Chicago on the South side where I grew up, on Wednesday afternoon, if you were in public school like I was, they would let everyone out of school to go to the Catholic school to learn to be Catholics.

Like the whole afternoon. And there were like always like three kids that were like, I'm Arab, Muslim, whatever. Like, I guess I'll just sit here and draw pictures while you guys are learning to be Catholics down the street. Yeah, so I was the full, full... Was it strict? How strict was it? Uh, Catholicism? No, not Catholic. It's known to be rather strict. I heard it's pretty much whatever you want to do.

You know, in a weird way it is actually. As long as you say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bless'm sorry. Yeah. I'll never do that again. Bless me, Father, for I severed someone's head. I mean, I really think that. My dad and all his brothers and stuff, their attitude was like, yeah, I know the church says this and this and this, but we fuck up.

And so I thought that was kind of a great, I don't know, there was a little bit of flexibility there in practice, but in dogma, no, no, no. But what about when you went to the school, because some people, didn't really happen in my era, but I know that there were people that would say, and I think it did happen in my era, but just not in the CCD classes that I went to, but they said that, oh, the nun with like,

corporal punishment that hit you with a ruler, that kind of thing. Did you ever see anything like that? Not at CCD. Yeah. Because CCD, you know, we were public school kids. We were like, what are you, don't you touch me. And it was, for the most part, it was taught by lay people,

believe it or not. That's non-Catholic, or non-priests or whatever. You know, I had this one moment where I was like, I don't think I've ever told anyone this publicly, but just between you and I- I think this is a pretty private place. He said to the opera boxes. I've been doing plays since I was eight years old,

and I always wanted to be on stage. And at a certain point in CCD, they said, is anyone, would anyone like to volunteer to be an altar boy? And I was like, holy shit, it's my chance to get on the biggest stage of all. God, stage. Man, make sure I'm a stage hand, but I'll be up there. And I was like, I would like to. And then the day came when my teacher was like, okay, John, you're going to go see Pastor Rzniewski or whatever his name was. He's going to talk to you about being an altar boy. And I was like, just me? And she's like, yeah, just go to the rectory. And I was like, oh, okay.

And I went out of that classroom and I walked down some stairs and I was like, oh, fuck no. And I went out the door and went home. I'm not meeting with a man alone. No, no, no, not this one. The wrong kid. But when I went to Catholic high school, I was talking about the Christian brothers and they used to beat the shit out of you. Seriously?

Yeah. They would wail on you for seemingly innocuous things. Like would they use their, I mean I don't want to get too grouchy, but like you were, did you? Yeah, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, yeah, that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah. You make it look like three stooges, which is less, it's less toxic when you do that, yeah. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.

It all seems kind of more fun rather than a child being brutalized. Laughing up everybody. It was like some of them were, I know, we lived in, okay. You know you got a good crowd when they're like, ah, a child was hurt. I'm gonna change the tone by saying that you contemplated

going to clown college. You didn't follow through, but you contemplated it. You must've read my Wikipedia. I did. No, I hired someone to do it for me. So I could nap up until 11 minutes ago. Well, yeah, I went to acting school after college at DePaul University, and then I was like...

I was actually speaking of the Catholic Church. In those early days, when I was a teenager, I was part of clown ministry. What? That's not a thing. It is a thing. They were tricking you somehow. Now take off your pant- no, no. Put on the clown makeup.

No, it wasn't like that. I actually, you know, to tell you the truth- And there go the opera boxes. Plenty of room now. The truth is, I mean, I took all the best stuff of Catholicism. I was like, do unto others. Yeah, I'm down with that. And what's all the scary blood of the lamb bullshit? I don't even know what that is. I'm just going to ignore that.

I just talk all the positive things and I like that. I like the community of it. But yeah, I was in clown ministry, which, which I don't have ever heard't, I've never heard of that. It sounds insane now, but. You can't do it as a segue. That just doesn't segue. So they teach you to be a clown. They actually taught us like really how to be clowns. This is how you do the makeup.

This is either the rules of being a clown, everything. And then we would go to like nursing homes or street fairs or whatever. We would just wear whatever clowns were needed, you know. This is 911. We need a clown in here. One car, 70 clowns. Can you get him down here? Yeah. So yeah. So anyway, cut to I go through, I've been doing musicals since I was eight years old, all the way through high school, did musicals, then I went to the series acting school.

And then at the end of that, I was like, what am I gonna do? I kinda wanna get out of Chicago. I'll go to clown college, which was a thing. It doesn't exist anymore, but the Ringling Brothers Circus had a thing called the Clown College down in Florida. And you'd go down there and they would teach you how to,

further teach you how to be a clown. And then you join the circus. You get like a five-year contract with the circus. And I was like, awesome, that's like a job for five years. Perfect. And then some guy who actually taught clowning at the acting school pulled me aside. He's like, did I hear you say you were talking

about going to clown college? I said, yeah. And he's like, you know what happens. I'm Catholic. I know already. No. No. He said, if you go, sure, they give you free room and board and they teach you how to be a clown.

They give you a job. But you spent about four years shoveling elephant shit in the worst train car of all of them. It's not, you know, and I was like, okay, nevermind, I'll do theater. Yeah, so you chose your profession so you didn't have to shovel elephant shit. Yeah. It's funny, you did a lot of, I'm sure,

dramatic work early on, but you're such a good comic actor. You do both extremely well. One of my, I remember when, when I know you've done, you've done so many iconic movies, but one of my favorites that you've done is your role in Boogie Nights because, and I'll tell you why. Yeah, I'll tell you why. It's because I think your relationship with Mark Wahlberg in that movie is maybe one of the best depictions of a friendship that I've ever seen. Don't you?

Do you know what I mean? When I see, when you guys meet at the pool and you start talking, that is one of the best depictions of how a real friendship forms in cinema. What do you bench? Yeah, but you know what I mean? I've always loved that part of the movie, and then to watch you go through that whole thing together, I thought was the real heart of the movie. Thank you. Thank you very much, Conan.

You know, Paul Anderson used to laugh all the time after the movie was done. By the way, there's a new 70 millimeter print of that movie, which if you get a chance to see it, it's a revelation. But anyway, he goes, you started off the day with Dirk saying, you know, what do you bench? People tell me I look like Han Solo. By the end of that day, you're saying,

want to hear a poem I wrote? Yeah. That's a great, but that's a, what an arc in one day. And then of course, when you guys are writing a song together, I always go back to that, What an arc in one day. And then of course, when you guys are writing a song together. Oh yeah, feel the heat. I always go back to that and I always want you to, I wanna hear more of that song.

Yeah, well, I don't know if you really wanna hear more. No, no, no, I don't. You worked with, you've worked with everybody. You worked with Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York. I did. And I have to ask you about that because I'm just in awe of that guy and curious what he's really like. I've always heard he's extremely method.

Yes, very, very method. In fact, on that movie he got pneumonia because he would not wear a warm coat on the set. He would only wear his costume. And it was freezing cold when we were shooting in Italy, but for some reason he got pneumonia. Anyway, he had a little son at the time and I had a little son at the time and he said, and somehow I got word through intermediaries, Daniel would like to invite you to the house this weekend with your son because his son is here and blah, blah, blah.

I was like, okay, wow. He could have asked me himself, but okay. And so I go to this house that he's living in outside of Rome, and he's so lovely. We walk in, he's like, oh, hello, John, would you like a cup of tea? And now the kids are in the back and is there anything else? Like the most gentle, you know, really just hospitable guy, you know? And I was like, wow, I had this guy pegged all wrong. So the kids play, we had this lovely time and I did have a cup of tea with them and

just the most gentle soul. And then on Monday, I went to work. Just the most gentle soul. And then on Monday, I went to work. And I was like, I'm in with Daniel. I was at his house this weekend. Our kids play, you know. And I saw him in like walking around the dressing rooms and I was like, hey, I want to say thanks a lot for the Saturday, it was really lovely.

And he goes, fuck off, Jack. He calls me my character's name in his accent. And I was like, oh, right, right, never mind, never mind. There's something about that guy, he has this like, I don't know, I could probably take him or at least get a couple of good shots in. Sure, I say that about everybody. Yeah. And I'm always wrong. Now that I think about it, he trained for the boxer. Probably, he'd probably knock me out immediately. But anyway,

but physically you look at him, you're like, I have a shot against that guy, but there's something about him, this violence that's coursing just under the eyeballs. You're like, oh, fuck, I do not want to be in a fight with that guy. I do not want to fight him. So he has this menace. Apparently, he's, like, making shoes now or something. I... One of the shows that I shot, uh, this travel show that's on not Netflix,

sorry, Netflix, but Max. Netflix is a joke! Ah! Ah! Ah! Nice! And they immediately shut us down. But one of the episodes was in this part,

we were in this little town in Ireland on the sea, and we're there to shoot something at a lighthouse, and someone says, oh yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis lives in this town, and he makes shoes. Like, the greatest actor in the world. And I really wanted to go in there and just buy a pair of shoes from Daniel Day-Lewis and then return them five minutes later. Not quite what I wanted.

Try again. Take two. Take two. Take two on my loafers. I really respect that though, because you know, in all seriousness, being an actor, you know, if you play the violin, the violin gets a little banged up, gets fucked up, you take it to the luthier, and sorry, I'm swearing a lot, there's children here. You take it to the luthier and they fix the violin. But when you're an actor, you're the violin.

And you get knocked around and your heart gets broken. Even though you're only pretty. You know, like, when you drink Diet Coke, your body still has a diabetic response because it thinks it's sugar? Well, when you pretend to do traumatic things, your body thinks it's real. And your body thinks it's real and your soul thinks it's real. So there's a lot of baggage. So I actually really respect

Daniel and I completely understand the craving for a simpler life where you just work on stuff and no one's asking you to change clothes and you know... No, I... I heard, because I'm such a, you know, Lincoln-ophile, that on the set of Lincoln and I thought his depiction of Abraham Lincoln was insanely good, just like the Abe I knew. What do you have to compare it to?

I know, I know, it's so stupid. I looked at my money and then I was like, that's good. Looks like the guy on the insurance company. That's a fiber. But no, he was just so amazing, but I've always heard that in the death scene, like that he stayed in Lincoln the whole time

and that people were saying things like, you know. Like they embalmed him or? No, no, no. He insisted, he wanted to be embalmed and they did. He was very sick for a long time afterwards. That'll make you retire. But just, you know, people would say, like, did you see on TV last night?

Well, I don't much about this television you're talking. You know, he was doing that for months, I guess. And then he dies at the end of the movie, spoiler alert. And then he had to like come out of it, which is so intense. Yeah, you know, when I was working with him, I thought like, man, that's a lot of work to do that much off camera.

Yeah. But whatever it takes, you know, every actor is different. Some people can just kind of clown around and then turn it on and some people need to live it or else they feel like total douchebags. Yeah, I don't mind being a douche. Seriously, I would be the kind of actor, I'm not an actor, but if I was,

I would just be the kind that's, just tell me, am I smiling or am I frowning in a scene? And have someone hold- Faster or slower? Yeah, faster or slower, smiling or frowning, and have the lines right off camera. I love you, I hate you. And Oscar.

I gotta tell ya, it ain't that different than what you just described, I have to say. I wanna talk to you about your show, which is incredible. It's a live show, Mr. Romantic. That's right. I know you've been working, you've been doing it at Largo, which is one of the greatest venues. You're home away from home. I love Largo, and you've been doing this show've been doing it at Largo, which is one of the greatest venues. You're home away from home.

I love Largo, and you've been doing this show, and tell me about the show, because it really sounds magical. Well, Mr. Romantic is a thing I started doing a little over a year ago. After I finished this big TV job, I was like, I need to do something that like means something to me. And I was looking at the world,

and I was full of despair and joy. But mostly despair. Let's be real. Been a real doozy of a couple of years, hasn't it, folks? Yeah, it has been. Anyway, I thought, what I'm not good at, like picketing or whatever, get out the vote thing, but God bless you if you're doing that, because it's important. But I'm like, what can I do? And I was like, I can make people laugh.

I can dance a little bit. I can sing songs. So I created this vaudeville show called Mr. Romantic. And it's essentially like this mythical character that comes out of a box and it says, hello, I'm Mr. Romantic. I don't remember what happened before. All I know is when I come out of the, all I know't remember what happened before. All I know is when I come

out of the, all I know is I have to stay in that box. And when I come out of that box, I have to put on the show. And I don't have to go back into the box if I can get one person to love me forever. And then I proceed to do this. So I sing all these unrequited love songs, and I goof around. I go out into the audience, and I try to meet people, and I fail over and over again. But somehow, at the end of it, people walk out feeling, like, really nourished in their souls, you know? And that was the whole point of doing it.

So I hope you come see it sometime. Yeah, there's a lot of, I mean, you're very... It's kind of an extension of Mr. Cellophane. Yes. I was going to say extension of Mr. Cellophane. Yes. I was going to say that. Mr. Cellophane, and there's a... Where my feet are people at.

A lot. Music's a big part of your life. It is. And I've actually hung out backstage, and I've run into you randomly at some music venues where it's just clear like, okay, we both love music. We both love the same kind of music. Jack White. Jack White.

Yeah. And I noticed you did one of his tunes. He must have given you special permission. We did. When we started the podcast, I thought that is the perfect song for the podcast. So had the luxury of having his number and called up and asked

if we could do it. I sent him a video from my dressing room here complaining about the couch and how it was upholstered. I don't know if you know, but Jack had an upholstery company when he was younger. Yeah, and he was an apprentice to an upholsterer and upholsterer for the early part of his life, as most rock musicians are. And when he retires, that's what he'll go back to do. Just like Daniel Day.

But you have a band, right? Yeah. It's a folk band. Well, yes, that's another band. I haven't done that in a little while. But John Riley and Friends, yeah, we do like bluegrass and old Americana kind of tunes. But I'm fully committed to Mr. Romantic right now, and I do have an amazing quartet of musicians,

David Garza, Sebastian Steinberg, Gabe Wischer, who was in the Punch Brothers, but David and Sebastian were on Fiona Apple's last record. So it's a real Cracker Jack outfit I got behind me. I haven't heard Cracker Jack outfit in a very long time. We're a real Cracker Jack outfit, we are. Wait till I get to moxie. I also want to compliment your style.

Oh, thank you. For years now. Look at this man's style. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Give him the ass. Work it. You know, I was on Ellen DeGeneres once and... And for some reason, beforehand, this is going to cause some fucking viral shit. Whoa!

I'm warning you. That's all right. I was on Ellen DeGeneres' show and beforehand, they asked me in the pre-interview, like, what would you say is your best attribute? Like, physical attribute? And I, like, what would you say is your best attribute? Like, physical attribute. And I was like, I hate myself. I don't have any favorite things. And then I was like, give him an answer. And I was like, well, a couple of people said you have a nice butt,

you know, like, and then they asked me like 15 other questions. And then I got out there with Ellen, and she's like, I heard you have quite a nice butt. Oh! May I see it? Wow. And I was like, wait a minute. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and did this. I was wearing these baggy old jeans. I looked like I had no butt.

It looked terrible. But then I walked away from that. I was like, what if I was a girl and she was a guy? How would that go down? Anyway. But do you have a nice butt? I do have a very nice butt. I don't.

I have no ass. And Sona, you've seen this. You haven't seen the actual ass itself. Wait, what? No, I haven't seen the actual. No, no, no, no. I haven't seen it. No, I was making it.

No. Listen, there was a time there. No. No. No. No, not that. There was a time when you were my assistant. Yes.

When literally you'd be there. I'd be like, you know, whatever, boxer briefs or whatever, and you would say... You have not cleared this up. What are you doing? Stop talking. This is the viral moment right here. You know what? You should show everyone your ass so that they know...

No, there's nothing there. There's no ass. Yeah! Oh, it's Les. Oh, it's Les. Yeah! Oh, it's Les. Ah! Ah! Ah!

How does that feel? I loved it. It was the only, I felt for the first time validated about my body. My point, Sona, was that you had a lot of fun about the fact that I clearly had nothing back there. It's a straight drop.

It might even go in a little. It goes in a bit. There's a shelf and I keep rare coins and Hummel figurines. Yeah, it's a negative ass. Yeah. The Cliffs of Dover. And just as white. Chalky white.

Chalky white. Yeah. Chalky white right down to the sea. But you also wear hats. I'm not a hat guy. Yeah. I don't, I just can't, I can't pull off a hat. You look fantastic. Thank you very much.

Yeah, well, I always loved hats when I was a kid, which is kind of an actor cliche a little bit, like being into hats. Like my dad had this one black felt hat when I was a kid, which is kind of an actor cliche a little bit, like being into hats. My dad had this one black felt hat that looked like a robber. We used to call it the robber's hat. And when my dad, he kept it in this closet in this very high shelf and when he would leave the house and be like, let's play with the robber's hat. So I don't know, it was one of those things, you probably have something like this, like a thing you couldn't have when you were a kid, and when you got some money, you're like,

I'm getting the hats, you know, like that was me. For me, it's guns, lots of guns. Yeah. I have so many guns everywhere. Oh dear. I am definitely not a gun guy. I remember when I was a kid, I just wanted the nerdiest things.

I mostly wanted like, I want a briefcase to keep papers in. With a handcuff on the handle. Yeah, and I wanted, but I had no papers and I also wanted stamps to stamp papers. And like other kids were out, you know, throwing a football around and I was like, I've got to get through these papers. And, like, other kids were out, you know, throwing a football around, and I was like, I've got to get through these papers.

And the papers did nothing. And I was like, stamp, stamp, I've got some stamps. And I used to say, I'll be at my desk. And I was just, my dream was to be a mid-level bureaucrat in, like, Soviet-era Russia. Yeah, you should have grown up in the Soviet club. Well, we'll see. Come back tomorrow.

I'll talk to the director at stamp stamp. Did you ever have a thing when you were young where you lied about something so much that you started to believe yourself that it was true? I convinced myself and a number of my friends that I was getting a chimpanzee. They're like, what? I'm like, yep, my parents are getting me one for my birthday. No way. Where are you going to keep it?

And I was like, keep lying. We're going to build a habitat in my bedroom. And I said it so many times, I was like, I actually am going to get a chimpanzee. This is a real, this could happen. Like, blah, blah. And I said it so many times, I was like, I actually am gonna get a chimpanzee. This is a real, this could happen. Like, didn't happen. And it turns out they're very dangerous once they grow up. Oh, no.

Tear your face off. Tear your face off, you can't have a chimpanzee. No. I did a scene, well, I did, in fact, I think we shot some of it here, this movie, Walk Hard. Yeah. Yay. This movie, Walk Hard. Yeah. Yay. This movie, Walk Hard.

I had so many crazy days on that movie. And one day I made out with Cheryl Ladd, Cheryl Teagues. Wow. A playboy playmate, this is all on the same day, and a chimpanzee. Wow. It was a little baby chimpanzee.

And it was like this scene where I'm like, oh, you know, I was supposed to be like, I've lost everyone. All I have left is my monkey, like Elvis or whatever, you know. Elvis had a monkey called, a chimpanzee called Scatter. I do know that. Because he would make everyone run away, reaching up their skirts and stuff. Anyway, gross. He went to jail, that chimp. Don't worry about it.

No, it was much sadder, anyway. Gross. He went to jail, that chimp, don't worry about it. No, it's much sadder, actually. I know, I can't believe I know these stories too. That's the saddest part. Everything, the minute you brought up Elvis's chimp, I'm like, yeah, Scatter, yeah, he used to lift up skirts at parties. What happened to Scatter?

Yeah, how'd he die? Scatter froze to death in his cage outside of Graceland because the housekeepers refused to deal with him after a while. Oh. Sorry. But anyway, about my story. Hold it. I want to brighten that up just a little bit.

Before Scatter froze to death, when Elvis and his Memphis mafia were living in Beverly Hills, they thought it was really funny. They bought a tricked out car that had a fake steering wheel, and they put Scatter behind the wheel and someone else controlled the car and they would drive through Beverly Hills and it looked like Scatter was driving a car, a real car through Beverly Hills. And any chimp that can have that experience, look, so he froze to death. I still think he had a good ride. Thank you.

And applause and out. Well, I'll try to keep this story quick now. I can't believe you're the only person I know that will talk about this shit with me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When will we get to the Beatles? Um... They had an alpaca.

Yeah, the whole Maharishi scene. That was wild. So I'm doing this scene in Walk Hard. Yeah, the whole Maharishi scene, that was wild. So I'm doing this scene in Walk Hard. There's this little chimpanzee and the thing in this script was written like, he's so low, he's like, all I have left is you, bubbles or whatever. And that was Michael Jackson's chimp.

Don't worry, only happy memories there. Sweet pea or a... Man, you just, any shot you take hits the mother lode. So, uh, this was a very cute, very young chimpanzee with a little pink face and a little, you know, and I don't know what his name was, I don't remember now, but... Oh.

The whole... Barty Weinstein. Oh! what his name was. I don't remember now, but. Oh, the whole. Barby Weinstein. He's doing it, so why can't I throw one out? Oh, God. Oh, boy. I'm not touching that one. A great name for an animal. No, so this scene was supposed to be this thing. I'm like, all I have is you.

Thank you for still being my friend. And we did a couple of takes like that. And it was really cute. And I love chimpanzees, you know? And Jay Kazan, the director, comes up to me, he's like, John, you know, with how cute the chimp is and how sentimental what you're saying is, it's like marshmallow on marshmallow.

It's just not funny, it's not really playing. How about you go after him? So I ended up improvising this line like, fuck you, scatter, all you care about is touching yourself and eating fruit. You never supported me either. And I suddenly turned in an angry way on this little chimp, and he goes like this. And then runs away. And they're like, oh, we got to do another one. I do another one. And they're like, the chimp is not hiding in the back of the bus that we're shooting on.

I know, it was awful. I felt, believe me, I really felt it. Another Chimp froze to death. This one, this one just got his feelings hurt and chilling at the back of an air conditioned bus. There's proportionality here. And he wouldn't, he wouldn't come back. And the trainer was like, you have to apologize to him.

And I was like, oh, absolutely. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. We're still friends. We're actors, you see. And that part, he was just like, their eyes, by the way, when you look in their eyes, it's freaky.

It really is like a human... There's human eyes in there. Oh. I don't know why I reacted that way. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I reacted like that. Don't need to apologize. It's a normal conversation. What if I...

What? Should he have bird-like eyes? Yeah. I don't know. Anyway, we gotta do a couple more takes and finally he kept going when I would turn on him and I was like why does he keep smiling and he's like that's not smiling John he's about to bite you. I was like okay we're done with that scene. Anyway, it's in the movie, I think. So you were never attacked by them? No, no, I felt bad, but I made up with him. He was all right. Although he was a little like, who the fuck are you now?

Yeah. Do you guys ever hang now, now that it's all behind you? No, I don't think it's really a thing that's allowed anymore. What? Honestly. I think there's laws about animals and the way you can use them in filming situations. I don't think that's allowed. And I'm 100% behind that by the way. I thought you meant you're not allowed

to befriend an animal? That's a union rule? No, you can't like keep a baby chimp in a truck and be like, all right, bring him out and have John be mean to him. You know, like that's not allowed anymore. Yeah, well, better times. Different times, folks.

I wanna make sure I get the word out. More information and tickets for Mr. Romantic can be found at mrromantic.com. You know, when we do these live shows in a big venue, I always think you need the right kind of guest. And when I found out that it was a possibility that you would do it, I was like, thank the Lord. I would call a glass broken glass for you.

This is, you're fantastic. You're a great raconteur. You're a fantastic actor and you've been a good friend to me. And I appreciate it. Thank you, Connor. Ladies and gentlemen, there's no one better, John C. Rowling! I do love that man. I really do. It took everything in me not to bring up Step Brothers. I know, I know.

Yeah, because that movie is so important to my life. It took everything for me not to bring up the first chip that went into space. What happened to the first chimp that went into space? Take a guess, he didn't come back. I didn't know that. I think he's still out there. Yeah. Well, he is. He might be alive.

No. Oh. Wait, you have to, you can't just say that and then move on. What did you guys do the whole time you kept talking about dead chimps? I didn't know there was a chimp. Who sent it up there, the US, the Soviets?

Who sent it up? I think we both did, didn't we? Yeah, we gotta do the chimp before. What? You go, it goes like mouse, dog, chimp, human. Before you do human. Right. Yeah, you gotta make sure the chimp did it.

But I thought the chimps all came back. I don't think so. I don't think they did. Well, I know, you can't even, I'm not sure. Remember this. No, I think the chimps came back. Did the chim, no, I'm, you can't even, I'm not sure. Remember this. No, I think the chimps came back. Did the chimps come back? No, they didn't.

What kind of people are you? This is Wikipedia. Yeah. We have a recreation of Wikipedia right here. The chimps were important. Okay, well maybe they didn't come back. Maybe they crash landed, thought they were safe in Elvis's yard.

Oh. Oh. Oh. And, I'm sorry. Oh man. See that's kind of one of those oh Henry endings where they think we're okay now. And then they freeze to death later

after being forced to perform at parties. Look. Oh. You got a chimp. I think you're gonna think about that on the ride home and really enjoy it. You got a chimp. It's a chimp.

And a lot of laughs here, they can't all be winners. Okay, well we have a nice little thing where we have some preselected voicemails that we're gonna take from the audience. Okay, these are real voicemails that are gonna happen right now. Yeah. Piper, hi Piper, how are you? Hi. Is it on?

Oh. Yes, yes. It would be kind of stupid if it didn't work. Yeah. That would be unfortunate. Hi Piper, how are you? I'm good, how are you? This is awesome. We're doing, oh thank you for being here. Nice to have you here.

That's amazing. Should I just ask the question? Sure, yeah. It would be you. Okay, so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too Piper. Can I ask where you're from? I'm from here, Los Angeles, Culver City.

Very nice, very nice. We love it. Fun fact about me, I work at a trendy grocery store called Erawan, I don't know if you've heard of it. Yes I've had your $90 carrot. Oh good What'd you think little worth every $90? I spent on it I go to Erawan and just look and go like oh my god. This is incredible. That's 47.99 per minute exactly Yeah, and then I have to you have to cosign a loan to get, but it's quite fantastic.

My hats off to this incredible thing you guys have done with food. It's a fun time to work there. So as an Air One employee, I'm curious about your smoothie taste. We already have Hayley Bieber's Skin Glaze smoothie, and we also have Olivia Rodrigo's Good for Your Guts smoothie,

and we might need another one soon. Yeah, cause everyone wants to know my beauty secret. Well, there you go. How can I look like Conan O'Brien I ask myself that everyday. without having a car accident? I can't wait. I can't wait till you guys have a Conan O'Brien smoothie

and then all the 17 and 18 year old women show up. Well, that's my question, Conan. If they were to make a Conan O'Brien smoothie, what would be the name of it and what would be inside? Okay. I don't know what, oh, the catechai. Yeah, let's call it the catechai. Okay.

I would just throw the health thing out the window. I think if I- Oh. Yeah, I would just not the health thing out the window. I think if I, yeah, I would just not go for that. I would take a whole loaf of bread and grind it down. And then I'd put like bolognese sauce in there and miracle whip. Everything that I had as a kid, you know, and I would just, that I would sit and watch, you know, television in my- Cap and Crunch.

Cap and Crunch with Crunch Berries. And I would put all that in there and grind it up. But then tell everybody, oh, it's tapioca, and it's made of, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow smiled at it. Exactly. And, uh, it costs $900. And then you eat it,

and your cholesterol goes through the roof. And you're only 19 but they have to put a stent in your heart. That's evil. Oh yeah, I know. Who did you think you were talking to? St. Mr. Rogers. Conan of Hot Ones Conan episode.

I should have expected. Exactly, yeah. Demonic. No, I think it would be a very unhealthy smoothie and probably not worthy of, of Arowan. Well, I'll make sure to tell my manager. Yeah. Demonic. No, I think it would be a very unhealthy smoothie and probably not worthy of, of arowan. Well, I'll make sure to tell my manager. Thank you. Yeah.

Oh, it's just, I'm sure your manager's a regular fan and will hear this. Hi, I'm a naive idiot. Fingers crossed. All right. Well, very nice to meet you, Piper. Thank you. That's a great question. Thank you very much.

Actually, I do try to be healthy and I put two fistfuls of spinach into a blender every day and a little pea protein and other stuff, and I just lost you. I know you didn't. It's just the way you did, like, two fistfuls of spinach. I didn't do that. Sexualizing. I didn't do it. I never did that.

You did. Did I do that? He did that. No. I didn't say I take two fistfuls. I got two fistfuls of spinach. Yes. And then I jam them? He did that. No, I didn't say I take two fistfuls. Yes. Finish.

And then I jam them up my rectum. Swirl my ass around, what the hell? I didn't do that. You did. You did that. You did that. No, you did that. Stop it, both of you, stop it.

Look, yes, she's nodding. You did that. This man has a right to be heard. Okay, I'm sorry. He's waiting patiently at the fake microphone. You're Jatin. Yes, congratulations. Jatin, how are you? I'm sorry. He's waiting patiently at the fake microphone. You're Jatin. Yes. Congratulations. Jatin, how are you?

I'm good. I've come here all the way from New Delhi, India, just to see you guys. No, you didn't. Did you really? You came from New Delhi? Wow. This is like that time we had the guy from Denmark.

Yeah, that's right. All the way from, oh no. Oh no. How's he gonna come back up here? Honor. A real honor. Thank you. It's an honor to meet you. I've been watching you since 10th grade. So this has taken 26 years to finally be here. See you live. I don't know what to say, that's crazy to me. That really, I want to say your name correctly.

Jatin. Jatin. That means everything to me, seriously. That anyone would let someone that young watch... It was... The show. They used to air it on CNBC in India. They even aired it on CNBC?

I'm told the government intervened, I'm sure. No. And said, this must stop. Well, I mean, I used to watch it while studying for my exams, and my father wouldn't know there was a TV in that space. And on the weekends, they would air your show. In the beginning, I didn't get the jokes,

but eventually. Okay, Jatin. I mean, you have to. There's a thing in America where we stop when the fun stuff is over, we stop. And then we don't keep going to the part that's not so good. No, but it went on. And Jatin, tell you something,

that was not a language barrier. There's really nothing to get with some of that stuff. No, I loved everything on the late night show. And then when I got to college, I came to US and I came to New York. I stood in line to get a pass, a standby ticket to your show. I couldn't. I got a pass to Last Call with Carson Daly.

I didn't go for that. But ever since then, I lied to everyone back home that I actually saw you live. I've been saying that for over 20 years. Now I can leave it. How can we prove to people that you can send this to people and they'll just say, who's that weird woman you're with? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. Did you have a question or? Yes, I did. Was this just a cheap ploy to get that photo? Well, I mean, I did come all the way, so.

But, so back in India, I do a bunch of things. I produce comic book conventions called Comic Con India. I publish books, comics. I've even produced television shows. But all of that has been a stepping stone to my main goal, which is to produce my own Bollywood movie. Oh, wow. And I'm actually there now.

You're gonna produce a Bollywood movie? Yes, I'm actually reading scripts, true fact. So I wanna ask you, do you wanna star in my Bollywood movie. Yes, I'm actually reading scripts, true fact. So I wanna ask you, do you wanna star in my Bollywood movie? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

No. It'll be our debut together. Let me just say one thing, and I'm totally 100% serious. Let's turn towards the crowd, because they're the ones watching. This is a historic moment. Yes. This is a historic moment,

because this marks the death of your film career. Jadin, I very much would be so thrilled and honored to be in your movie. I want you to be a success. I do not think I should be the star of your Bollywood movie. And I'm saying this as a friend now. You're my best friend from India now. So first of all, I know you have some visa problems in India.

Sort it out. Okay. That's actually true. It's a long story. It doesn't really involve me, but years and years and years ago we filmed a bit and one of our, and it was actually a very funny bit where one of our writers, Andy Blitz, had a hard time with his computer and decides to take it to the call center and travels holding the computer on the plane.

And it was a really, in a lot of ways, really brilliant bit, but he forgot, we forgot or he forgot or someone forgot to get all the paperwork done. And so we're on some bad list with the Indian government, which, you know, I've tried to reassure them. No, no, no, no, Andy Blitz is long gone. I've had him killed. Your team can contact me.

It's all sorted. What are you talking about? Why should I be? Let's stop talking about paperwork for God's sake, Jatin. We've got an audience here. I should not be the star. I should be a quick comic turn. No, no. Come out, I'm going to act a little kooky.

I'll tell you why. Because you're tall, handsome, great hair. No, Jatin. Jatin, take a closer look. I don't mind. No, Jotin, Jotin, take a closer look. No, no, let me finish. I don't mind. That's an old Irish head and it's rotting fast, Jotin. No, no, no, so-

It's not getting better every day, it's getting worse. Some of our biggest actors are right at your age and they're still the most popular actors. Also, also- What do you mean at my age. Also, I... Have you researched how old I am? Uh, kinda, yeah.

But also, I want to tell you, we have a, in India, we have an unhealthy attraction to being fair. You would be the fairest of them all, for sure. I... I, I... You know what? Here's the thing, here's the thing. I am gonna move heaven and earth to try and help you with this, I really am. But, you know, we'll try and figure it out because my time is so valuable.

I'm kidding, I have so much time. No, because you know, you were on Hot Ones recently and I saw the whole gamut of emotions. Hot Ones? Yeah, so you can do a drama... So what you know is that I'm not too old, but old, and you thought I tolerated hot sauce as well. And you want me to be the star of your movie. You went through a range of emotions, so you can act. I mean, you can bring it, you know. So I'm willing to...

Johnny, what's the name of the movie? Well, I mean, we're bring it, you know, so I'm willing to financially. What's the name of the movie? Well, I mean, we're still working on that. But the star needs to be on the sign first, you know? Then we can get to the script. We can customize it. You are so full of shit right now. There is no movie. There's a van.

You know what? Let's get your information and I would love to try and make this happen. But you know what I'll say? Whatever happens with us, and I say this sincerely, it means, I don't know why, but for some reason, trying to connect with people in any way means the world to me. And the fact that you saw me when you were 10 and saw something in all that foolishness and that we connected and that now we're here is magic. So thank you so much. Thank you.

And Matt, I know you edit the show. Please do keep everything in. If you can share the clip, I can prove to people I met. I promise you I will keep it in. Wait, you're interfering with the editing of this podcast. Nice to meet you too, Sona. Nice to meet you too. Just stay out of my podcast.

I'm sorry. I'm kind of trying to get on Conan's fan too. Yeah, you just went a little too far. All right, I think we should, I mean, that's such a high note. I think we need to say goodbye to everybody. Thank you, Jot-In. Me, figure out.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. No, don't do it, don't do it. Don't do it. Let me help you. Oh, shit. All right, Jesus Christ. Matthew, you're a great singer.

You're a great singer. You're a great singer. You're a great singer. You're a great singer. You're a great singer. You're a great singer. You're a great singer. Don't do it! Let me help you. Oh, shit! All right, Jesus Christ, Matt Gourley just whispers in my ear, the last guy drove 2,000 miles to be here. So we're not done. Get him down here. Yeah!

Where is this man? He's still driving here. My god. Hello. Closer to the mic. Hello. Yes, you can take it out and you can hold it up to your mouth. You're allowed to do that.

You drove 2,000 miles to be here? Yes. So... Wait, do I owe you money? Your whole attitude is not joy, but like, yeah. Yes. Remember me? Jesus, look at his whole pose.

Do we even have security? Oh my God. Are you a bounty hunter? I'm just happy to be here after the last guy. So that's, I'm so, yeah. So my wife and I right here, we just celebrated. You just gestured to 10,000 people. Hi, how are you? This beautiful redhead woman.

Hi, how are you? We celebrated our 29th anniversary on the 5th. Oh, happy anniversary. Thank you. And for that, we scheduled this show, but we had some extra time. And so we were in Orlando at the time we split time between Utah and Orlando.

That's where we come from. And apparently that's pretty hilarious. No, no, it's probably under the more facts than we need, but it's cool. It's good, we're all good, we're all friends here. And so, we decided to take a drive, we went up to Oregon, we went all the way down the coast. Down to the wood. Oh, you only get to look at the whole Pacific. You see all that.

Saw the redwoods. Saw the redwoods. What'd you guys talk about? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. We just listened to Conan O'Brien. Yeah!

That's what we did. Yay! So, as you've all been amazed at what I'm doing for my anniversary, my question was, I'll get to that. Take your time.

I'll get to that eventually. The last guy just made me the star of a fucking Bollywood movie. I mean, literally, the biggest firework in the world and the history of live podcasts blew up, and then you're like, no, it's not over yet! I took a drive. Conan, we're huge fans. Oh. Weas Oh. Oh. Oh. Conan, we're huge fans. Oh.

We, we, so let me go on and on. Thank you. We, no, we started watching you back in 1996. Okay. When our oldest daughter was very, very young. Okay. And we'd wake up at night to take care of her. That's nice.

And you were our only friend on the television. Oh. And so since then, we've been huge fans. We went to your show in New York in 2007 now we're here. That's very sweet and I appreciate that. Okay. I do. I believe you. I meant that. That's sweet I want to acknowledge that. That's meaningful to me. I'm happy that it is. Thank you. That's wait. I'm serious I don't know what's happening anymore

I'm a big star in India I'm no longer welcome at Erawan Yeah, okay, so you have a question. Let's go, let's do it. I do have a question. So, my question is, Conan. I'm in the, this is my listening very carefully. That's, yes. Not distracting.

What is, what is the worst possible way to celebrate a major anniversary with your partner. Oh. Well, you are skating very close to it yourself. It's this moment right now. Yeah. You drove 2,000 miles to tell an anecdote on a podcast. What's the worst way? The worst way. I don't know, Matt, someone, I don't know on a podcast. What's the worst way?

The worst way. I don't know, Matt, someone. I don't know the worst way. What's the worst? Doing someone else. What? Oh. Sona!

Doing someone else. It's to the point. I think that's the right answer. Doing someone else. Yeah. And wait, while you're looking at your partner? Are they in the room and you're looking at them? For some people that might be a kink.

It's like, I mean like, you know. That would be for me, yeah. Yeah, but if it's the worst. Well it would be. If it's the worst, that means that you're, you know, you're cheating. Yeah. You're fucking someone else.

Okay, so we understood. We got it. We're all right. All right. This is also sim. Okay, so we understood. We got it. We're all right. All right. This is also simulcast on Nickelodeon. Take it easy. I think she has the answer, doing someone else. That is terrible.

What's that? That is terrible. It is very bad. Yes. You're a pretty chill guy, aren't you? You take life as it comes. I like this guy. I do like you too.

What's the plan now? You've, I mean, you've come here, you've asked me the question, and what do you do now? And not like in detail. We're gonna go home. I wish you a great trip and happy anniversary. Woo! Hey everybody, thank you.

I don't know why, I don't know what we did in a previous life, but we do have the funniest, coolest, most amazing fans. Thank you very much for being here. I want to thank Sonam Obsession, Matt Gourley, let's hear it for the best band that could ever help any man. You know, it's been an incredible night. John C. Reilly is a friend and it was so nice to connect with him.

But then to meet some of you, and then to get to sing this song without having to pay for it, because I know the guy who wrote it. Fall as you hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell. Brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Walk with me, Suzy Lee, through the park and by the tree We will rest upon the ground and look at all the bugs we found

Safely walk to school without a sound Safely walk to school without a sound Here we are, no one else We walk to school all by ourselves There's dirt on all uniforms From playing with the ants and worms We climb up and now it's time to learn We clean up and now it's time to learn. We don't notice any time pass. We don't notice anything. We sit side by side in every class. Teacher thinks that I sound funny, but she likes it when you sing tonight I dream when I'm in bed Silly thoughts run through my head About the bugs in alphabet When I wake tomorrow I'll bet

You and I will walk together again I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell We are gonna be friends Look for my new movie coming out soon from Bollywood. Take it easy everybody. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam O'Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend

wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.