Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - John Leguizamo

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

Actor, comedian, and playwright John Leguizamo feels great about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. John and Conan sit down to talk about attempting to master every performative craft, how sharing a room with a sibling makes one a better communicator, and digging into untold history with John’s one-man show Latin History for Morons and his new film Critical Thinking. Later, Conan ponders his frightening visage as he and his team Review the Reviewers. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hey, what's up? My name is John Leguizamo. And I feel I really feel about being co- I feel great about being co- Wait a minute. What is that? That's the least convincing. What? What?

What is that? Hi, what's up? My name is John Leguizamo and I feel great about being co- No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast that always delivers. I'm sorry, I just, I don't know, I tried to go in with that big hard cell up front and I think I overdid it. What does it deliver? I don't know. I mean, it's just, I guess, just it always delivers

people chatting in an informal setting. Do you know what I mean? It does do that. Yeah, it's not like a motor oil that always delivers peak performance at maximum RPMs. It's not that. We deliver comfortable chat in a confined period of time that will fit your commute nicely. We promise to deliver some kind of noise. There'll be some noise, some of which you may enjoy. If not, I think it's free and we deliver. The bar is so low. Yep, that's my motto in show business. Set that bar real low and then fail to clear it and also fail to say fail. I just said fair to clear it. It's been a long day. I had a long day. You had a really, really long day. I had a really long day. I probably should tell people listening at home, I'm an incredible athlete and I competed

in several seven Ironman tournaments today. We had a few pitches earlier with the TV show. But I thought maybe when you said you've had a hard day, it was a chance for me to lie and let people think that I am an incredible athlete. No, not true. Not that. Gourley, how are you? Well, I've got something that might cheer you up. Oh, okay. I'm going to say 40% chance that's true. Okay. Well, that's being generous. It's cause for celebration because Conan, Sona, happy 100th podcast episode. What? You're kidding. Oh, what? We've done 100 podcasts. Congratulations, pal. Don't touch me. It's COVID. I'm sorry. Jesus, what are you doing? You can't touch people. God, I'm so glad I'm not with you too. Hey, that's a milestone. Remember when we

started out, I think it was Will Ferrell was the first one. Yes. And I remember then people saying, this isn't going to last. I think Will Ferrell said it immediately. Yeah. So this isn't going anywhere. It defied a lot of odds. Yeah. He walked out. Yeah. He was stormed out. I've never seen him that mad. No, that's incredible. I can't believe it's been 100 episodes. I know. That's cool. Yeah. And I think we've had, I'm going to say, I think our batting average is not bad. I think we've had a lot of really fun encounters. I think all of them have been fun encounters. I think so. I think so. Yes. I think every episode has been really fun. I think it's been really fun to do this with you, to do it with Mad. I think the three of us have a good time.

Why are you saying it like you're under duress? I'm not being actually sincere. I am being sincere too. No, no, no. I am. I am. I really do. I think we have a very nice chemistry and I really, I think have laughed incredibly hard and especially during COVID. I'm thrilled to get to come in and do this because it's like, it's just a nice escape for me. I mean, I don't know. I hope it is for the listeners, but for me, it's a nice escape to have some of these conversations. It's a bomb, B-A-L-M bomb, a soothing aloe vera for my soul. That's good. That's good. You spelled it. Troubled times. Well, sometimes you say bomb and people don't quite hear it. But anyway, that's great. 100 episodes. You must have bought. Did you buy us? Who would buy us something? Do we

get each other something? Shouldn't we get a cake or what do you do for 100th podcast episode? Is that dumb? I don't know. Matt, you're the podcaster here. What happens? Yeah. I feel like Adam Sacks, the sort of guru behind the podcast, should dig into his own pocket and get each of us a... A Bentley. Yes. A Bentley. And mine should have a license plate, pod one. Yours should have a license plate, pod two. And Sona's just a confused people should have one that says pod four. And there's no three. But yeah, Adam Sacks, who has done very well with his other ventures. He was the one who gave Elon Musk the money to start up his company. He owns a big piece of SpaceX. He got in big to online pornography when it was just starting as an actor and then as a producer. And probably stuff

you can look up about him online. But no, he's done a brilliant job and I'm sure... I don't think Bentley's are coming our way. I like my Kia. If someone gave me a Bentley, I'd probably still drive my Kia. Oh, that's... Sorry, did I bum everyone out? Did I ruin it? No, you're keeping it real. You're keeping it real. Your Kia's very nice, especially considering the car you had before the Kia. Okay, moving on. Absolutely awful. She had a car and when you would get in it and she would turn on the air conditioning, it smelled like bad cheese. Is that true or false? It's true. And we did a segment on it on the show and you broke it and then you broke some things on it and you never fixed it afterwards. That was on the TV show. Yes. We never talk about the TV show on the

podcast. We talk about it all the time, don't we? The podcast is the mistress. Yeah, what's this TV show? The TV show is the wife. So the TV show is the wife. I've been with the wife a long time and I'm doing the best I can to keep it together. The podcast, Coronavirus Needs a Friend, is, well, let's just say... It's the goomar. It's the goomar. It's this incredible, hot relationship with this Sicilian woman much younger than me. Spicy. And I have... Yes, spicy. And she has a fiery temper and she's always saying, oh, you said you're going to get rid of the wife. That is kind of what this is. Yeah. And I say, I'll get rid of the wife. Oh, I'll get rid of the wife. I'm just doing it a little longer until the kids are a little older.

The kids meaning Andy Rector and the people that work on the show. Oh, right, right, right. Don't get mad. Don't get mad. Let's just have incredible sex right now. But you know, and then I'll find... Come on. What? Wait, how do I... No, no, no, no. There's no analogy there. Okay. I just say that this is... This is my true passion. This is my spicy Italian illicit affair in this podcast. That's good. And hey, something to spice this all up because it's 100 episodes. We're doing something kind of special. Do you want to talk about that? No, I do not. Good night, everybody. Good night. Bye. I do. I do want to mention this because this is the kind of thing you can only do with your mistress. I couldn't do this on my TV show. Look at the way I talk about them.

There's my TV show. And then there's my podcast. No, this is exciting because I'm here to tell you that we are going to be next week, next week announcing the Golden Ticket. What? Yeah. Oh, tell us all about it. Very good, Matt. I see why you've made it so far in this game. This is a special moment because we are announcing the Golden Ticket. That's right. Let me explain the Golden Ticket. A few lucky fans are going to get the chance to virtually meet me, Sona and Gorley. A few fans will be lucky to get the chance to virtually meet me, Sona and Gorley and possibly be featured on this podcast. So here's what you do. You listen to next week's show to the Kevin Hart episode. And it's a good one. Let me tell you something. And you will find out on that episode

if you've won a Golden Ticket. Make sure to also watch the show. And follow Team Coco on Instagram for other chances to win more details and rules at teamcoco.com slash Golden Ticket. We want to thank our friends at State Farm for helping make this all happen. They grease the wheels, if you know what I mean. Thank you, State Farm. And yeah, this Golden Ticket thing could be good. And I like meeting people. Yeah. How does it feel to be the Willy Wonka of podcasting? The creep who has a chocolate factory and forced laborers. Yeah. Literally. Do you realize how sick, how nauseated you'd be by the sight of a chocolate stream if that was your day in, day out existence? That's the thing I always think about when I see the original, not talking about Johnny Depp,

the original Willy Wonka is that, yeah, it's fun to pop in. But if day in, day out, your job is to stir a giant caramel vat, you'd start to be sickened by it. I guess. Also, there's so many health and safety problems at Willy Wonka's factory. Yeah. Oh, she would have shut that thing down a long time ago. On that tour alone, six kids are killed. There's no protective rail around the river of chocolate. Augustus went there and just started putting his disgusting fingers in there and drinking out of the chocolate stream. Yeah. No, it's clear that ocean inspectors come by, government inspectors come by to check it out. And Willy Wonka has the murder. Yeah. What letter grade do you think it gets? Oh, no, it doesn't never get a lower grade. Every

time they send someone from the government over there to check it out, they don't come back. And then someone somewhere in Wonkaville is biting into their chocolate bar and they bite into an index finger. They're like, what the hell? They're in the candy? Yes. Oh my God. That's what a gobstopper is. Yeah. Oh, God. It's a testicle. What the hell? A gobstopper is, yes, an ocean inspector's testicle that's been ossified, calcified, and then caramelized. So when you're sucking on that gobstopper, it's a dead OSHA worker's testicle. Murderer! You're a murderer, Wonka! Anyway, I hope that doesn't ruin the original movie for anybody, and probably explains why they won't let me do the intro on that movie whenever it airs on television.

All right, we shouldn't screw around anymore. We've just probably created a major lawsuit with a very powerful film company. My guest today, very talented actor, comedian, writer, and director who has appeared in such films as Moulin Rouge, like the way I say that. Yeah. Romeo and Juliet. Okay, that was just not him. Ice Age? Okay, not important. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. His one-man show, Latin History for Morons, is now available to stream on Netflix, and his film, Critical Thinking, which he starred in and directed, is available on video, on demand. I'm very excited. This gentleman is joining us today. John Leguizamo. Welcome.

You know what? Let's face it. You weren't that enthusiastic about being my friend. It took you a couple of tries. That was. Listen, please. Please. Johnny Legs. Johnny Legs. That's what we always call you. I remember that. Is that back in 93, my producer, still my producer, Jeff Ross, on the show, he had a connection with you, and he was like, I'm going to call Johnny Legs, see if he'll come in and do a test interview. And do you remember that cartoon about the ardvark, the ant and the ardvark? Yeah, of course. The ardvark was Jackie Mason. I realized a long time ago that Jeff Ross was the ardvark in the ant and the ardvark, because he's always talking to me like, hey,

so what do you want to get a bite to eat? You want to get some soup? Let's get some soup. Hey, anyway. That is Jeff. That is Jeff. Yeah, I called Johnny Legs, and he's going to do us a favor. He's going to come in and he's going to do the the guest interview. And so you were very kind. You were very nice to me back in the day. You've always been a gentleman, a scholar, and I have a lot of I've always enjoyed. I was always enjoyed being on the show. I was on your show like nine times, bro. Oh, no, no, no, no, nine times. Are you kidding? You have any idea how many times you were on our show? I could look it up, but it would be more like in the 80s. I was your co-host. You were more than Andy Rector,

I think. And there's a period of time where you're on the show more than I am. We've known each other so long, but this is a chance for us really to talk because one of the things I love about doing the podcast is there are all these guys like you that I talk to and you come out and you score and you're really funny. And then it's time for the next guest and maybe you got to run and we don't get to really get down into it. And that's what this podcast is all about. I want to know the horrible things you've done in your life. Oh, yeah, this is the time for me to open up to you. Yes, yeah. And then you're going to regret it. I don't tell my therapist. Yeah, this is the stuff. That's not going to happen. Do you have your mind? Yeah, share anything you suffered or the dark

side of yourself in a public forum. That's really fun. The dreams you've had where you were in the arms of Shaquille O'Neill and you feel things you've never felt before. I mean, we've all had those dreams. I felt whole. I felt safe. First of all, let's start with the basics, which is I'm curious how all my friends are throughout this insane period that we're going through. I don't know what we're going to call this pandemic after it's over, but you and I have something in post pandemic, which is we both you really love being in front of a crowd. I have to say, I am very animated by being in front of a crowd. It gives me something and that's just not happening right now. I mean, you more than almost anyone I know, you're constantly coming up with one man

shows and I know it's just because you're addicted to an audience. You are addicted. I mean, I love it. I love it. It definitely feeds me. I mean, it's not the only reason I do one man show that I'm doing it because I have things that I got to get out of my system and things I have to say and feel and things I have to accomplish in America before I passed this this this life. So what's going on? What's going on? It's a certain age and you know, you start thinking about your mortality and your legacy and no, you're too young for that. That's for like when you're there. The sooner you start thinking about it, the more you do. Oh, you know what I mean? You want the more you accomplish because you like, okay, I got a certain amount of time to accomplish all the things I want to get

done. And I got a lot that I want to get done. So yeah, I mean, I love an audience, man. I do, but you know, I've been doing a lot of zooming. I mean, I'm doing like performances and there's like 30 people on it. So I don't feel like I'm alone. I'm always on zoom. And I've gotten used to it. I feel like I feel like I am hanging out. I do zooms with friends, you know, like with Ethan Hawke, we're doing a play together with Magic Broderick. We did a charity event. Yeah, I've been doing tons of stuff. Right. I don't know if the zoom doesn't do it for me. I like at all. I like I don't get that same feeling off a zoom. What I do is I drive around with the window down, you know, so I'm distanced and I'm moving through the air and I shout what I think is funny stuff

at random people as I pass them. And they're not sure that have the same effect. I get a little bit of first of all, they don't know who I am because my hair is so long now. Like I don't look like I look like a very nice middle aged woman. Oh, I was gonna say like a surfer, bro. Oh, he does. He does. Like you like one of the Beach Boys. Yeah, I'm the Beach Boy that never went outside because he was afraid of getting skin cancer. Right. Oh, my one that was neurotic. Yeah. OCD one. All my all my Beach Boy songs that I contributed to the group are about you've got to cover up at least SPF 50. Beautiful harmonies. Bring a tent, bring an umbrella. Beautiful harmonies about it. You really should wait till the sun is like around 530, fewer rays get through the ozone

layer. Beautiful songs that people love, by the way. But vulnerable. They're so vulnerable. They're so vulnerable and really specific about skin. Yes, about skin cancer. Yeah. No, I mean, you don't worry. I mean, you've got that beautiful Latin skin, you know, that I think is gorgeous. I really do. I think it's like, we have talked about it. I like talking to you. This is fun. No, no, I'm serious. Yeah, I like my melanin. Yeah, you have. I wish I had more melanin, but I got the melanin that I got. You got the melanin. I got no melanin. I got absolutely not. And then little splatches. I've got little freckles and I mean everywhere. Well, I got freckles too. I'm a freckle fella as well. Where's your freckles? I don't think I've seen your freckles.

It's hard to get. They're there. They're all like, you know, you connect the dots. They're just, they're browner on a brown skin. So it's a little. Yeah. On you, it looks really good. I can see now. You don't have to get any closer than that. That's fine. I'm sorry. I'm very, I like intimacy. That's really good. I'm worried about. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of intimacy. I'm not afraid of intimacy. I'm just worried about that. You seem to be. I see a blocked pore and I'm worried about it. I'm worried that's going to blow up on you. You know, I didn't realize and I've known you for all these years that you were born in Bogota, Colombia. I'm an immigrant. Yeah. I came here when I was three years old and we came to Jackson

Heights Queens. My family, we lived all in one room together and slept in one bed together and there was like no living room, no dining room, no bedrooms. And my parents worked their asses off and then we moved into a bed, an upgrade the next year where we didn't have a Murphy bed anymore. We know we still had a Murphy bed, but my parents had their own private room so they could do their thing. The Murphy, well, I hope, yes, parents have got to do their thing, except my parents who I don't think ever did their thing. But anyway. Oh, they must have done it because you're here. Well, we don't know where I came from. If anyone was created in a lab, it was me. But, you know, Murphy. In the great human experiment.

That's the great, the Murphy bed is the great thing that used to be in old comedies. It's the fold out bed. It folds out. Yeah, yeah. And it was in the old comedies where, you know, guys would jump on it and then the Murphy bed would flip up in the wall. And slam them in there. Yeah, the feet would be, yeah, they would be gone. Yeah. There's a bunch of things. It's like the thirties and forties, the big thing was a Murphy bed. And you and I grew up, television was mostly them showing us stuff that was made in the thirties and forties. Right, right. Way back when. Because when you and I are growing up, really coming of age in the early seventies, 1970s, I'm guessing, we're watching all the local channels that you

could get in that had reception would show you old Three Stooges. They would just throw that stuff 24 hours a day. Oh, yeah, 24 hours a day. Three Stooges, Popeye. Yeah. Like things from the twenties and thirties to our gang. Yes, our gang. So I grew up knowing about weight reduction. Yeah. And we I'm in the mood for love because you're near me. But it's so weird because you and I both are growing up in these families, a bunch of kids jam together and you'd think would be consuming all the really cool music and whatever was coming out

that was really cool in 1974. I was not. I was watching all this stuff on television that had been made in the 1930s and 40s. Even the Bugs Bunny cartoons were made in the 1940s. So yeah, that's right. That's right. Like an anvil would fall on the coyote and flatten him. And I didn't know what an anvil was. I just knew it was a heavy thing that flattened coyotes. It took me. Right, right. Because I had never seen one. But not blacksmiths. No, we had never seen an anvil. But the guys making those cartoons had seen anvils when they were kids because they were still blacksmiths. Because it was the 1800s. They were born in the 1800s. Most of the animators working for Warner Brothers were over 100 years old and they were all they had fought in civil war.

Well, if you're in the 1930s and you're like, what, how old are you going to be like doing cartoons? Maybe you're going to be born in the 1800s. Yeah, in the 1800s, you're exactly right. So so all I'm saying is that I grew up knowing about comedy gags where a person would have a weight reduction belt that jiggled your belly, which right, right, right machine they had in the 30s and 40s that then didn't exist anymore. And so they were stupid and fake. Yes. Jiggle your fat. It didn't take it off. Yeah. Well, we've since then, thankfully, we live in a society now where there's nothing stupid and fake that's being sold. But everything really works now. Everything really works and really advertising is true. Right. But probably you like me figured

out, oh, comedy or being funny can probably get me out of trouble if I'm in trouble. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how we got that. I guess Bugs Bunny was always using comedy to get out of trouble. So that was like, that was like a big cartoon life lesson, right? Yeah. Now, would I throw a lit match if Mugsy wasn't here? Oh, you're my Travis, you're mine. Right. And then he throws a lit match. I get me, I get me away from this crazy rabbit. So I don't know, I felt like I felt like comedy definitely did help me. I mean, it helped me not get beat up. It helped me, you know, make my dad laugh. So he wouldn't be, you know, such a dictator. And he was kind of horrible at home. And comedy was the thing that kept me just feeling safe. You know, it was my defense mechanism

against a hostile world at home, outside on the street, everywhere. Comedy would make my friends laugh. It never kept me from getting bullied. The bully usually didn't get what I was. You know what I mean? They didn't get the... That's the problem with high brow humor. And then I got slapped around, you know, or shoved. For being a smart ass. Yeah, exactly. But I remember... Well, you making fun of me, huh? Yeah, exactly. Well, I have, this is a true story. I was with my brother, Luke. People were always confusing Luke and I. They thought we were twins. He was a year older, but they got us confused. And Luke was, is still incredibly smart. He's the really smart one. And he had no fear for some reason. And there was this market we used to go to in

our house called Kirkman's Market. And there were some tough kids that hung around Kirkman's Market. And they would always... They didn't know my name, but they'd be like, hey, Luke! Luke! And they'd come running over and surround us and just shove us around and basically intimidate us. And it was scary. I was once there with Luke. Back then, kids in Boston would say, what are you mental? Meaning... And that just was like short for what are you stupid? And so this kids would be like, what are you? They said something to Luke like, what are you mental? And Luke said, I'll never forget this. He said, well, mental comes from the Latin of the mind. So yes. And thank you very much. The beating that ensued lasted 10 minutes. And later on, I was like, would you do that for?

He's like, well, you know, if they're going to use Latin words, they should know the root. And I'm like, you fucking got us! You made it worse! Yeah, you can't use etymology as a hatch. Latin has never stopped to fight. Bullies don't like information. No, bullies don't like it. No, they don't want you to correct them. Very few times in life has a bully, has someone been bullying someone, and then that person has pointed out to them some fact about the universe. And they've gone, you know, I'm going to put this giant fist away. I'm going to put it back in its case. Because I've learned so much. I've learned the meaning of life. My life has a new purpose. Did people think you were weird or you were able to pull it off? Because you could always

do voices. I know that you could always do voices and you could do different. Oh, yeah, I was always doing voices, you know, like I would go to parties and everybody go, oh, John, put on that code and do that character. And I'd be like, yeah, here we go. What's up, baby? How you doing? You know, so do my voices and people crack up or my dad would laugh, you know, do me, do me. Okay, do me, do me. Oh, stop it. Don't stop it. You know, so I would do that. Now, wait a minute. Imagerate him. Yeah, okay. Did your dad, because you said he had a temper, if you did an impression of your dad to your dad, did he let it slide? When he was asking for it. Not on my time. When he was feeling good and had a few drinks,

that was all chill. If I was doing it when he was all other times, I would get a beating. Because I had to say, with my dad, you couldn't say, like my dad would, John, come over here. I go over here and I go, what? Did you say what to me? You have to say, sir, don't ever say what. Yeah, because a Latin dad, Latin dads hear what as fuck you. Really? Seriously. So you had to say sir, you can't say what. And so I would say what. And I knew I would get a smack and I would get smacked. And then I feel beaten up. But at least I had, I was anti authority. Right. That's I didn't know that that you have to say, you had to say sir to your dad. Oh, hell yeah, I had to say sir, I couldn't say what.

Yeah, I my dad made him me call him the admiral, even though he's not an admiral. He was he that was just because he was, you know, had lost his mind. That's mad authoritarian. You need it to resist. He would say, you will address me as the admiral. And I'd say, well, you've never served. You've never, I don't think you don't know how to say how to use a compass. Yeah. And he had an admiral's hat that he would take out that was all banged up and he'd put it on and go, I am the admiral. And it didn't go. Are you confusing it with that guy that used to be on TV that used to introduce Popeye the admiral? No. Are you having a mental break? Well, yes, that's what the podcast is for. Whenever I feel like I'm just about to go,

I quickly run into the podcast studio and I'm like, get me Johnny legs. I gotta, I gotta have my breakdown in front of somebody who likes confusing reality with television. Usually you watch a lot. We watched a lot of television, man. It was it was like our it was our babysitter. I mean, I was watching TV 24 seven, but it influences your comedy. Oh, incredibly. I learned so many comedy moves by the time I was 15, because I was watching Mark's Brothers, Three Stooges. I mean, all a lot of old stuff. I mean, some new stuff, but predominantly old stuff, which even you think about it, they were all doing vaudeville. So we're learning our comedy moves. Even though it's 1974, we're learning our comedy moves

as much from vaudeville as we are from George Carlin. What is vaudeville comedy? I mean, it's all classic anyway. I mean, it's all really classic routines from the beginning of time, even from Aristophanes. Yeah. Well, when did I'm going to get beat up for using it? My brother, Luke, my brother Luke is calling in right now. Did you say Aristophanes? And then he gets beat up over the phone, which has never happened before. I'm curious. I loved comedy and it was just something I did for fun. It never in a million years occurred to me that I could do it for a living. Of course. Did you know that you could do it? No. Hell no. I mean, that I could make a living out of it. Are you out of your mind? No way. I mean, I just loved acting

in comedy and I just took acting classes and all of a sudden I went to NYU. I studied acting and I got into a student film. And the student film won a Spielberg award, which I can ask us for a student film. Then I got an agent and I was doing improv groups and I had a sketch comedy group. So I did that stuff, but I never thought I would make cash. I didn't think I'd make money. I never saw anybody like myself out there. So I was like, I'm not going to make it. I was the only Latin person in my acting classes. In my acting classes at college and in the comedy club, there was only one other Latin person to me. When you moved to Queens, was it a Latino neighborhood or was it not? Well, it was in transition. It was reverse gentrification. We were moving in

and there was a thing called white flight. I don't know if you've ever heard that. I myself have practiced white flight. I've run away from everything in my life, usually from my wife. Oh yeah. Well, she's angry, but tell me about that. So you move in and it's in transition. Right. So all Latin people are moving in, all kinds of Latin people, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Colombians, Ecuadorians, and the white people, the Germans, the Irish, the Jews, the Italians, are all leaving. Right. Right. And of course, they all beat me up before they left. That's just nice to make sure. Oh wait, let's see. I turned off the gas. I locked the door. I turned off the gas and the car's locked up. Now it's time to meet Johnny Lange.

Where the fuck is he? Where is the fucking Johnny Lange? Hey, it says Johnny Lange. Hey, hey, come over here. Hey, you, you, yeah, you're sick. Come over here. I want to talk to you for a minute. What are you people moving in here for? Today it would be Siri reminding them, reminder, don't beat up John Lake Guzamo. Thank you, Siri. You're a good friend. You're a good friend to have, Siri. He said John Lake Guzamo, he's coming over here. They're moving into our labor. They're moving everywhere. They're lowering the property values. I can't take it. I got to get out. I got to go produce a Conan show. And then I got to get this. I just can't keep, I can't keep happening. I've been producing Conan all my life. I'm going to continue to my

death. I've been in a long run, but I'm thankful for the job and the security. I started producing Conan when I was 55 and now I'm 107. And why is he aging? I'm not, I don't understand it. I'm the Methuselah of producing now, but it's quite all right. I'm going to get that award. So you know what's fascinating is that you've had, you know, some people would say, okay, I'm just going to go out and stand up or I'm just going to go into sketch comedy. You got yourself and you were determined to get apparently a very broad education in theater and all kinds of theater. It felt like you had this sort of big appetite for, I want to know improv. I want to be able to do one man shows. I want to be able to work and sketch with other people. I want to be able to

work as you have with some of the best directors in the business. You had this appetite for throw it at me. I want to learn about it. I want to take this seriously. Yeah, I started with the greats, you know, and I learned a lot from them and it made me appreciate craft, you know. And so to me, craft was everything. I felt everything had a skill and you had to learn it like improv and sketch comedy. And then when I did one man shows, it was one man show crafting, you know. I loved it. And also I'm a Latin guy, so my opportunities are also limited. So I knew I had to do everything if I was ever going to survive in this business, just like JLo. JLo, what does she do? She has to dance, she has to sing, she has to be a judge on a show. I mean, because you know, you can't do it

on just, you know, your Latinness. Right, right. Probably hard for you because you've seen it change so profoundly since you were 19, 20. Right. And the Latino guy was this. Yo, what's up, baby? You know what? Yo, what the fuck? I'm going to kick your ass. You're either a gangbanger, a murderer, a drug dealer, or you were cleaning somebody's house. And it was always, it was me, Louis Guzman, Benicio Taro, Benjamin Bratt. And we go to these auditions and it'd be the far as, hey, what's up? How you doing, Ben? How you doing? What's up, man? How you doing? We're doing this shit again. Oh, yeah, we're doing this shit again. And then it's like, yo, they called me in, man. I'm coming in. I'm coming in. You know, you put on, you all had leather jackets, bandanas on. It was so,

it was, you know, it was like stepping fetch at Latin style. Right, right. I mean, obviously, throughout your career, you just kept hammering away at, you know, changing that identity. And you look at what kids, young kids are seeing now is if you had said, when you were 19 or 20, I want to play Alexander Hamilton. You know what I mean? Right. I can just imagine the reaction that you would get. Lin-Manuel, I mean, can you imagine him pitching that to a network or studio? The studio heads would be like, excuse me, wait a minute. Hamilton is going to be played by Puerto Rican and Burr is going to be black. I got to tell you something. I know for a fact, the founding fathers didn't speak in hip hop. It would have never got done, man. It would have

never been a movie. It would have never been a network or streaming series. It just would have never happened. But the beautiful thing about theater and why I stayed in theater was because there are no gatekeepers there. You know what I mean? It's just a matter of you raise the money, you have a great script that you hope is is critic proof. And boom, you're set for life. Your content doesn't have to be passed on by executives or lesser executives trying to prove their worth, giving you ridiculous notes. No, you do your thing with your director and boom, you're on stage. And then the audience either comes or doesn't. And that's how you survive. And that's how you know you're you're relevant. I know then the times in my life when I've been,

when I'm attached to a giant machine, I'm always conscious that I'm here by the grace of that machine, you know, that that they can machine you mean like like a giant network like a giant network or a studio. I know that I'm here. And what does that make you do? What does that make you do? Well, it just makes you, you know, I tried throughout my career to just let my weirdness, my freak flag fly regardless of that. But there are periods in my time. Well, that's pretty amazing. I got to say that's pretty amazing because to for you to have allowed yourself to be such a unique individual takes a lot of hutzpah and courage and cleverness, because how do you get that past the network? So they all want to make everybody,

you know, the same homogenous life. You know, in the early days, what I learned, which was smart, was just to just agree. Eventually they forget. And then when it starts to work, they forget that they told you it had to go, like, you know, lose the stupid haircut, change the stupid name, stop acting like an idiot. And these sketches are so weird, stop being so weird. And what happens over time is they just, when it's starting to work, they're like, yep, yep, I knew that would be okay. And I, and then the thing that's important to do is don't say I told you so. No, no, no, no, right, right. Say, yeah, no, thank you. Thank you very much. Just keep it, anything to keep it going. Right. Let, let, make them think it's their idea and they came up with

and then they love you even more because they believe that they are the ones that created you. Yeah. Created the success of the show. But you have done such a spectacular job of creating your reality. You can do a one man show, but you can also be directed by a Brian De Palma or a Spike Lee or be in like Romeo and Juliet or Mulan Rouge. You can, there's no putting you in a category. And I think that just comes out of talent and stubbornness. I'm guessing, because it's not just one. I know, definitely. No, it's not just one. You're right. It is a lot of stubbornness because I'm not going to quit. I'm tenacious. I wanted to be with all the greats like Baz Lerman and Spike Lee, Ava DuVernay. And I got a chance to be in that incredible series when they see us

with Ava DuVernay about the Central Park Five. Yes, I know. I saw. And I would have paid her to be in it because I... You don't want to mention that. You don't want to say that up front. No, I'm saying it now after. If I was really courageous, I would have said it before. I ain't stupid and I'm also cheap. You always want to mention that right up front. I'll do this for free. Do that after the fact. I don't know how old your kids are, but my son is 14 and my daughter is 16. And that made that so hard for me to watch, just knowing how sensitive and beautiful and innocent a 14, 15 or 16 year old can be. And to see them get put through that meat grinder unjustly, I just was nauseating. Just absolutely. Oh yeah, absolutely nauseating at the justice

system. I mean, some of the kids weren't even there. Right. That's the crazy thing. They rounded them up. I mean, it was a crazy, crazy story where Trump, you know, took out 100,000 page ad. I don't know how he paid for it because he's, he's always broken his taxes, but, uh, but somehow he got, he paid for that. This is back when he paid his taxes. This is back. This is back. Oh, he hasn't paid his taxes in 20 years. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe that was right before. This was just before when he overpaid. He overpaid his taxes and he realized, and so he decided at 20, for 20 years after this, I'm going to recoup the overpayments that I made. That's, I'm pretty sure, because this is a very pro Trump podcast. So I'm not going to, well, that's the only reason Sona would sign

on. Hard for Trump. No, no, no, no, no, whatever. Well, it's your first mega hat I ever saw was on Sona. Anyway, that's her business. I want to ask you, uh, you talked about growing up in the same room, uh, when your family first moved, uh, to Queens, I believe that there's something magical that happens when you have to sleep with, uh, brothers in the room. Like that, in my situation, I grew up in, in a room where Luke, my, with my two brothers, so there were three of us. Oh, three of you. Neil and Luke, uh, each had, had a twin bed and I had a cot that was on the, uh, against the wall. You're a big guy for a cot. No, no, I wasn't a big guy then. This was me. Oh, okay. Yeah. I was just a torso then. My legs hadn't shown up. And, uh, I remember just being in that

room and that would be something that some people would complain about now. Like, oh, I had to live in a room with, there were three of us to a room. But I was thinking at the time, I thought was the greatest thing in the world. I loved it. I loved being jammed in with other people. Right. I mean, my brother and I would talk. I mean, we always had a room, we always shared a room together, my brother and I. And, uh, we talk all night or goof all night or fight all night. You know, it was, it was, it was a great time, but we shared so much. I mean, it makes you a better communicator. You know what I mean? Right. Makes you a better storyteller. All those nights staying up with, until your mom comes in, I told you to go to sleep. I had to go to work and you talk all night and

talk, talk, talk. I like your mom. I like. Oh, I love her too. But she was always trying to get us to go to bed and it was like impossible. Not to, not, not my, not my brother and I. My mother was always, uh, her thing was drama. You know, there's the, uh, the lady in the Marx Brothers movies that goes, well, Mr. Groucho. Margaret. Margaret. Margaret. Margaret. Margaret. Yes, Margaret. My mother always had a whiff of that about her, which was always kind of like, Oh, you're incorrigible. Yeah. Well, she didn't have an accent. She grew up in, in Worcester, Mass, but she, and very well educated, but she was just like, well, I'd like to think that my children wouldn't use a word like that. But I suppose,

and the word that we had used was like knucklehead, you know, like something that should be allowed. Fathead or something. Yeah, exactly. Well, I was hoping that my children wouldn't stoop so low. It was always more that still, that's still the voice I hear in my head. Um, I'm curious, you've done so many, uh, different, uh, one man shows and it feels like there's obviously a drive behind each one. Latin history for morons. I love the title. What were you going for with Latin history for morons? What were you trying to say? Well, I think I was trying to, even the playing field for Latin people, I really, I really felt like it was a call to action for me. I had to make right what America, the psychosocial erasure that we Latin people have experienced in this

country for 500 years. I was like, I have to dig for the history and present it in a way that's really palatable to everybody. Right. So that everybody understands even Latin people that were not less than we're not second-class citizens. We didn't just get here. We've been here for 500 years and before that we were great empires, Maya, Inca, Aztec, Comanche, and Apache. And, and I, and I had to get that information out there. And, and, and the, and the beautiful thing is that's what happened. I weaponized this information and all of a sudden Latin kids are coming up to me or 19 and 20 goes, I was so angry. I didn't know what to do with it. But now your show, I know I can use information and books on my weapons. And I was like, yes, yes. That's got

to be a good feeling. Oh my God. It's a great feeling, man. It's a great feeling. And then the mayor of California of LA came, Garcetti came and, and then a few months later, he started a whole commission about how to include Latin history and more ethnic studies in the curriculum. So all these little win victories were so incredible for me. And I'm so excited, you know, because I look, the things that I learned were shocking to me that I hadn't had that in the history textbook, that I hadn't seen it in a, in a Spielberg movie band of brothers, where's the brown brother? You know what I mean? Right. I mean, what happened? I mean, we're the only ethnic group that's fought in every single war America's ever had, where the most decorated minority in every one of those

wars. And I'm talking about the American Revolution, where 10,000 unknown Latino patriots fought out of a total of 80,000 troops. That's one in eight Conan. Yeah, that's, that's huge. Yeah. And then 20,000 was in the Civil War, 120,000 in World War One, 500,000 Latin people fought in World War Two with crazy heroes. Like this guy, Gil Bosquez, Mexican guy in France, he, he went to two churches and hit 40,000 Jews from the Nazis and then gave them a Solomon Mexico. Where's that in a Hollywood movie? That's incredible. Where's that Latin Oscar Schindler movie? You know what I mean? It's, well, I think this is your, I think this is your assignment. This is, you know, if I make that, if I make that movie and I, if, if they say Conan O'Brien tells this story, people are going to be

pretty, I think they're going to be pissed off. You know, they're going to be, if you, if you cast yourself as, as Gil Bosquez, yeah, but if you're producing it, I wouldn't be so mad at you. No, but I think if I produce it, I should also play Gil Bosquez. I think I put the risk. I get to be the lead. Yeah. You know, I think I, I could, you know, I think I, I think I can, you know, I think I can play Latino and what are you saying? No, for some, get behind me on this. Hard, hard, no, absolutely. That's a hard one. That's a hard one. Even with the great CGI they have now, yeah. You're the great CGI. I know they made blue people an avatar. That's right. When I saw an avatar, I stood up in the theater and said, I can be Latino.

I was escorted from the theater, escorted from the theater and then beaten by the same people that beat me as a kid. No, I just think that you're activated by these stories. But yeah, I think that's the great thing too is you have the power to, to get out there and say, we got to get this made. We got to get, you know, and we have to, this story has to be told. I mean, because of Black Lives Matter, I mean, things are, there's a real reckoning in America right now, which is really beautiful. I think even, even with the dark times that we're living under this, the possible death of our democracy, even with, you know, Latin immigrants being put in cages and families being separated daily a thousand a day. And, and even with COVID in the

pandemic and the destruction of our economy in so many ways. I mean, there's still beautiful things happening, man. I mean, I just wish you hadn't listed all those things. You would have, you would have cheered me up more if you hadn't listed all of them. Because they're there and they exist. I know, I know. We're all freaking out. I started wetting myself as you, when you were at the end of that list. It's, it's, it is, but you know what? I have the same feeling that you do, which is there is some real goodness is going to come out of this. And, and that sounds can sound hackneyed or trite. No, no, but it's true. Conan, that's what I'm telling you. Change is a common, it's a foot. I mean, scholastic books reached out to me and a whole bunch of

Latin people, because Latin kids are the least represented in, in children's picture books, even though we're 30% of the nation's public school kids, but they reached out to me, my friend, Crash, Crazy Legs, and all these Latin artists to create children's storybooks. Paramount just made an incredible deal with Eva Longoria, Idris Elba, Angela Bassett, Selma Hayek, and myself to create people of color's content. I mean, the Oscars, the new, the new rules in the Oscars that I'm, I'm not sure when they become implemented implemented in 2022 or something like that. Anyway, but you have to have people of color in your cast and in your crew, if you want to submit to the Oscars. I mean, these are the changes that I could only have dreamt of my whole life.

I never thought they would come true. I mean, to me, that's huge. Of course. I mean, I love that, you know, you, earlier in the interview, you were sort of portraying yourself as this old man who's time, well, I don't have much time left, but I think you're in your prime. I really do. I think you're, you know, you've done great work, but I feel like, first of all, you look about 35. I don't know what you're doing. You're probably having a, what's that? I eat embryos. Well, that's great. That's great. I should have shared that. I was shared too much. I was, no, no, no, I was well behind you. And then you know that that's the, that's the quote

we're going to pull that's going to get all the press. John Leguizamo eats embryos. And then suddenly you're disinvited from the old Evelangoria list. They're going to cancel. They cancel my ass. Yeah. But at least for a really interesting reason. A stupid joke. No, but you know, I love this. That's like, I also just wanted to mention critical thinking too, which I think is such a great project that you start in and you directed, which was, you say is a true story about these Latin and black kids in the ghetto in Miami who become chess champions. That's their way out. Incredible story, man. It was a beautiful story. Right. Two story, five Latin and black kids in the, one of the toughest neighborhoods in Miami called Overtown Liberty City back in the day.

And in 1998, you know, their school was defunded, you know, trickle down economy, you know, is a lie that nothing was getting into that neighborhood. And this teacher, Mary Martinez, the one that I play, you know, created this, this elective for kids, like, like ghetto nerds, you know, kids that didn't want to fight, they want to, they didn't want to gang bang, then they want to play football or fight. They wanted a place to nerd out. And he created this little space and they became United States national chess champions. And I think for five years in a row, I mean, it's incredible story. I just love also that you're shining a light on nerds are everywhere, you know, and, and every, every minority group has, has nerds and every socioeconomic class

has nerds. And that's one of the things that I think is sort of a beautiful thing. It's a weird sentiment, but there's no group in America that doesn't have its share of nerds who are doing it. And, and, and they're the ones that I identify with. They're the ones that I. Me too. Me too. I was a ghetto nerd. My brother was a ghetto nerd. You know, we just grew up in a tough neighborhood. My brother never left the house because, you know, it was, it was a tough neighborhood. I did. I, you know, I went between both worlds. But my brother didn't go out, but he was like, you know, salad Victorian in high school, went to Columbia University, you know, super, super, super nerd. And they exist all over and you're right. And,

and they're the, the, the force that powers America. I think you went too far. They don't power America. My God, you cut out on me. You do. Where's my lifeline? Sorry, I just can't go, you know, we're not like the Avengers. Maybe we are. I don't know. Maybe we are nerds everywhere. Bill Gates. Come on. You're right. You're right. Man, I wish I had beaten Elon Musk. Come on. Can you imagine those guys getting bullied? I just think of it. I bet we could bully them now. You and I could bully them. Oh, we could still bully them. Yeah. We just can't get to them because, because they're bearing compounds. Yeah. And they're surrounded by security, protected by solid gold robots.

Listen, I, I don't want to keep you too long because I know you've got a lot going on. You're a very busy man, but I loved getting to talk to you. It was so nice. Oh, it was great talking to you, Conan. I know it's great to see you, man. I feel like you're like a long lost family member. Do I look like a long lost family member? You don't look like it, but I feel the feeling. Yes. I feel the feeling. I feel the feeling. I wish. I wish I looked like you, but maybe in the next lifetime, maybe I'll get to come back. Well, it's great. It's always great to see you, man. I, you know, ever since I was your first get, test guinea pig. That's right. We didn't even have a set when you came on. There was no,

no, you didn't have a set. The set wasn't built yet. And so Andy and I were like sitting on orange crates and I said, and I was like, well, yeah. Hi everybody. My name's Conan O'Brien. I'll be replacing David Letterman. Anyway, my first guest, John Leguizamo. Let's get him out here. And you were kind enough to play along. And I'm laughing because it was true. Yeah. Yeah. And there was a little, there was a little tremor in your voice. I'm not gonna lie. Of course. Yeah. Well, it's, you know, it's there now. But I had a good tremor for good reason. I was in way over my head, but you were always so nice. It was so much fun, man. You were, you were so quick. You always been so quick. And you say the most Atlanta stuff. I mean,

I love, I love always hanging out with you. It's the medication I'm on. Well, listen, John, let's, get me something. Let's, I'll get you. You get me the embryos. I, I'll talk to you soon, but God bless and hang in there. Stay safe. And I can't wait to. Fist bump. I can't wait to fist bump you over the virtual airways. There we go. Look at that. There's the camera right there. There you go. Look at that. Look at that freckled knuckle and tell me. Oh, those are good. He freckles. Yep. Yeah. Do you want that skin? Is that the skin you want, John? You want that? Looks like someone opened a can of spam from 1942. It's disgusting. I love spam. John Leguizamo, the best. Thank you so much, sir. A big hug.

Yeah. I bow to you. I'll see you soon, I hope. Yeah. Let's get through this thing. And when it's over, I'd love to get a meal and be a blast. Because we could talk about all the Jeff Ross. We'll just make fun of Jeff Ross the whole time. All night long. He's still all these years later. He's like, Oh, you're going to talk to John Leguiz today. Huh? Oh yeah. No, I, you know, I'm the one, I'm the reason we know who he was because I produced it. I'm like, Jeff, I know you've been living off John Leguizamo for 30 years. Leave him alone. I'm telling you, I knew him back in the day. That's exactly how he's out. He's the, he's the art Vark from Ant, the art Vark. Yeah, he is. All right, sir. I know you got to go. So run. Thank you. Thank you,

man. Let's do a little review, the reviewers. This is where we'll go to Apple podcasts and see how the reviews are coming in. Always fills me with dread, but I accept the will of the people. I know that you always say that this fills with dread and I always give you complimentary ones. So this time I've chosen one that's not as much. Is that true? No, but you'll see. I just soiled myself Conan, five stars. I used to watch your TV show when I was in college and always enjoyed your humor. Unfortunately, I had to stop watching you on TV because your face reminded me of a haunted Victorian doll with neon red hair that I saw during a bad trip. I continue to see his face in my dreams. Thanks to your search for friends. Good luck. I'm again able to enjoy your wit now

that I no longer have to look and see the doll's face. Thank you. It's unbelievable. I mean, first of all, it's beautifully written and obviously this is true. This is how he feels. Yeah. And I'm no fan of my face. I like your face. I'm serious. I think you have a good looking face. Thank you. That's nice of you to say and you don't need to do that, but I'm saying I applaud this person's honesty because they say that I do have a great wit. Thank you. And I think that's been recorded in history and written about by many great scholars. Not many people. What are you talking about? Not many. Yeah. No, many New England Journal of Medicine, Lancet, many medical journals have weighed in on my wit. I am a great wit. And man, God, what a quick mind.

But let's face it, it's all coming out of this face that you're either down with this face or you are not. And that guy said a haunted Victorian doll. Well, it's not that your face is bad. It's I can see, you know, with your hair. It's not that your face is bad. No, no, no. I think you're a very handsome man. I think it's like with your hair and your complexion. Like sometimes you can, you know, there could be like funny characters of you or like, you know, yes, yes, I'm an exaggerated figure. I'm so when you see me, you've known you've, you know, you've seen me. No one ever says, are you Conan O'Brien? Yes. When you see this pumpkin coming down the street, you know that you have just, you know, been in the presence of

Conan O'Brien. If there's no, no, like, are you this guy or are you that guy? I never get that. But isn't that cool? Yeah, that's a good thing. And a haunted Victorian doll is not inherently unattractive. Okay. Well, this actually reminds me of something because I was invited to give a talk and it was in England at a very prestigious university. And I was really excited. I decided, I'll bring my kids and my wife with me and we'll make it sort of a fun week. And we went to England and I spoke and it was at Oxford and it was kind of a cool deal. But while we were there, because of jet lag and everything, we couldn't sleep. So we turn on the TV and this, there was this movie on called Brahms the Boy. Has anyone ever seen and I think it's called, it's about this

very attractive woman. An old couple says, can you look after we're leaving? Were you and she thinks she's going to look after a kid and it's a little doll and his name is and it's this little doll and she's like, whatever, but they're paying and it's a nice place. And then of course, the typical thing where you walk out of the room and then you come back and the doll was in a slightly different position. Do you know what I mean? Okay, but you know what I want to say? People always want to say that that's really creepy. Yeah. And my thing is always, it's a fucking doll. Smash it. Oh. Smash it. Go over and pick up a poker and smash it. Yeah, but she has to watch the doll. You can't just smash the doll you're supposed to watch. Well, this is what I

would have done. She of course had all those same thoughts. I would have thought, wait a minute, this doll, it's moving around. It's looking at me. Of course, there's the obligatory like, I'm going to try on this song and then you turn around and Brahms is in the doorway. Okay, you know what? That's when you smash Brahms into pieces and you feed him into a wood shipper and then you go and buy a kind of similar doll and the old people come back and go, this doesn't look like Brahms go, yeah, your medication's off. Thanks. I'm out of here. I would bury it. I put it in a box. No. I would bury it until they came back. Wait, Sona, you were just saying you need to watch the doll. Like you're advocating for watching the doll like a good babysitter. It'll be safe in a box

in the ground. Have you seen any horror movies ever? Yes. You think that you can bury this doll Brahms and be like, well, I'll be safe now and go to sleep. No. Brahms, magic. No. Little tiny plastic cans clawing their way out of the soil. I don't know, guys. So anyway, I was obsessed with, we only got to watch part of it. We missed a big chunk of it and we only got to watch part of it and I didn't get to see how it ended because I had to go to bed because I had to give this thing the next day and the kids had to go to sleep. So I didn't get to see it. Then everywhere on like Netflix or wherever is Brahms 2. Okay. But I said like, I don't want to watch Brahms 2. I want to watch the original Brahms because I never got to see it. Couldn't find it anywhere. What? And I mean

anywhere. And I was going through every single site. I was going online. It was as if it never existed. Oh, it moved. It moved. The movie moved. Then I realized exactly. But then I found out that it's not called Brahms the boy. I think it's just called the boy. The boy. Yeah. Have you looked it up? Yeah. I have. And what's it say? It's the boy. It's from 2016 and it's available to stream on Fubo. See? What happened? Oh, it's on Netflix apparently. I think it's on Netflix now. Did a guy mean Brahms make it? Like did he direct it or write it? Why did you think it was called Brahms? Because Brahms is the name of the kid. Oh. The doll. And I think in England they were calling it Brahms the boy. And then for whatever reason, there's something mysterious about this movie

because it's hard to pin down. I think it's called different things, different places, like the doll itself. This movie is mysterious, but I'm obsessed now. I want to watch all of Brahms the boy. Yeah. I'm telling you. And you know what? Lauren Cohen from Walking Dead is in it, who I love. And she's terrific. Yes. So I think people should check this movie out. Do you ever heard of a movie called Bad Ronald? No. It's from the 70s and this family moves into a house to find that a young boy lives within the walls of the house, but not supernatural. He's just like living inside the walls and comes out at night to get food. Okay. But can I just say something? It doesn't seem like a horror movie. That's a squatter.

Yeah. That's someone who's just, that's just all you have to do is call the police and say, this person's here illegally. What if the whole thing ends up in the court? And the boy is saying, you know what? I've actually been here for eminent domain. I would love it if that movie just got bogged down in legal, long legal meetings. And the boy's there eating a sandwich and he's covered in soot and spiders, but he's going like, nope, nope. Actually look at it again. Nope. I moved in March 3rd, 2006. Yeah. I know. But we didn't know. I know. But that's in the coin of the law. And then they're quoting Latin. He's got good legal counsel. He's got really good legal counsel. Yeah. And the legal counsel lives, meets with him at the house in the walls.

They're like, we're here to see the boy that lives on the walls. Oh, damn it. And they have to let him in. They have to let him in. Yeah. And then they crawl into the wall too. And you can just hear murmuring like, well, actually, no, we think we can get that. No, what we're going to do, no, no, no, we're going to get a summary judgment. And then you just hear the boy go, summary judgment. Hey, do you don't have any food with you? Do you? We don't have any food. But anyway, yeah, no, we'll do it. We'll work on that. But there is the matter of, yes, we're working pro bono, but we'd like to see some kind of retainer because we're going to have to. Okay, no, I'm sure we can work that out. And then the boy and the lawyers come out and say,

can we use your fax machine? Wait, listen to this description. A made for TV movie about a creepy nerdy boy named Ronald, who gets himself in over his head when he kills a little girl in the neighborhood. Wait, what? He's a killer, the kid. Oh, you didn't say that. I was murdered. You buried the lead, literally. Sorry, I couldn't remember. You thought bad Ronald was just bad Ronald because he was hanging out in a wall. He killed somebody. You're terrible. What if you wrote for the old TV guy and you're constantly leaving out important information? Psycho, a woman goes looking for a good motel, has some difficulties. Shower interrupted. Yeah, shower interrupted. Oh, I guess the pressure wasn't good enough and she

got out and took a bout instead. Yeah, I forgot to mention. Okay. Well, anyway, Brahms the boy, check it out. And boy in the wall, what's that movie called? Bad Ronald. Conan, you wouldn't be good at writing horror movies. You know what? When I write a horror movie, I always think it's funny if it devolves into legal squabblings. I always want like the zombie to come in, but then they're like, wait a minute, did the zombie ask to come in? No. And then suddenly you see the zombie and the person who was the victim talking to a judge and the judge is like, listen, you did not. You came in, you entered illegally. That was an illegal entrance and the zombie has like its jaws kind of falling off. And he's like, well, it's just I wanted to

eat brains. I know you want to eat brains. You should wait until Mr. Anderson leaves the house. I just wanted the brains now. So yeah, I know. But when you put your hand through his door and went, you actually entered the house illegally. So I find for the plaintiff and then he's like, you have to pay for a new door. How much do you think the door was worth? And then the plaintiff is going to say like, I think that I need $800 for that. It wasn't even a good door. My hand went right through it. Not a good door. That is mahogany. That is African mahogany. That was a beautiful door. There's no way that's African mahogany. My hand went right through. Bang, bang, bang, bang. $800. This is bullshit. And then his jaw completely falls off so we

can't talk anymore. And the judge is like, we can't understand you, sir. Just pick up your jaw, reattach it, and then you can maybe make your case. Zombie movies interrupted that devolve into long legal squabbles. That's the genre I'm going to spearhead on my new network called Nobody Likes It. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a

future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco Production in association with Earwarp.