Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - John Mulaney

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Comedian John Mulaney feels falsely modest about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.John and Conan sit down to talk about growing up in a family trapped in the 1950s, the power of dressing well, fulfilling a lifelong dream of a career in comedy, and the rewarding experience of creating his new Netflix show John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch. Later, Conan and his team share their formative cinematic experiences.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is John Mulaney, and I feel falsely modest about being Conan O'Brien's friend. What do you mean? I can't believe you'd have me on. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, man. I can't believe you'd have me, you know. But it makes absolute sense that I'm here. Yeah, it makes total sense.

Hello. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, little podcast. It brings me much joy, having a lot of fun with this, and joined as always by my trusty crew. I've got Sona Movesessian here. Sona, you seemed, you were very upset because as we walked into the studio, there was a little piece of wire coming off the wall. Why are there wires coming out of the wall? Well, it's this, we do the podcast mostly out of our Warner Brothers studio. This is an old studio from the 1920s, 1930s.

Yeah. So the walls are covered with chicken wire that are holding in some kind of material from a pre-World War II material, probably toxic, that keeps out noise. Yeah, it's stupid. And so a little piece of chicken wire was sticking out, and you caught your sweater on it, and you were infuriated. So pissed. And you were yelling, F the wall, F the wall. Yeah, that's what I was saying. Yeah.

Well, you were actually saying the word. Yeah, yeah. I didn't say F. Sorry. Exactly. Yeah. You were enraged. Is that like a fancy sweater?

It's not even fancy. It's just why would the wall get stuck on my sweater? Why would the wall? You're angry at the wall? Yes. I'm angry. Why don't you? I'm angry.

There's weird, first of all. First of all, you know what I do? I don't like the way you're excusing this. No, no, no. I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying what I like to do is leave a little distance between myself and a wall. I don't slide along a wall as I walk. I leave a little bit of distance.

Let's have Matt Gorley, our trusty producer, weigh in. Sona, don't you think that you were a little close to the wall? Oh, it's my fault. I'm asking you. There is chicken wire sticking out of the wall. Yes. And it's my fault. You should fix it.

I should. You've been here for almost 10 years. You should fix it. I think it's not incumbent on me to fix it. Whoever made this studio, I think did an amazing job. Several films have been made, including in this Goonies. Goonies was made in our studio. What?

Yes. Goonies was made in the studio. Like the pirate ship? What do you mean? Do you think it was a... What? No, I'm talking about the 1925 Goonies with Sir Lawrence Olivier. What?

The pirate ship in Goonies. Yes. Whatever Goonies is there. No, I was just wondering if this is... Good God, first of all. I'm sorry. You're coming in hot. No, I'm saying that Sona is guilty of...

No, I'm with Sona. No, no. In the national context. No, thank you. Yes. Sona walked way too close to the wall. She was wall sliding, wall walking. And you, Sir, to wonder what other Goonies there are is absurd to me.

It's a level of absurdity that I find nauseating. There's only one Goonies. I didn't wonder if there's another Goonies. I was wondering if this was the soundstage that the big pirate ship was in. Yes, the pirate ship was in here. My God. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Yeah, the pirate ship was here. Okay. Cinematic history in this stage. Yeah. I disagree. What's the movie? What's his name? Willie Chester Cobblepot?

That's the penguin. Yeah. What's the pirate in Goonies? I'll cut this. One-eyed Willie. One-eyed Willie. Yeah. One-eyed Willie.

Where did you get Chester Cobblepot? That's Penguin's name. Yeah, in the Batman movie. Yeah, I don't know where I got that. Okay. You're here to help us, right? Well, it's your job to help. You can make an argument against that.

Placing, they also shot Batman here. Was it Batman Forever, though? Which is my favorite Batman. That's the one. I'm sorry. I think it was Batman Returns. That's one with the penguin. I think so.

Oh, so, boy, I really knew what I was talking about. Oh, that's my favorite Batman. But you know what? They also shot here. What? The Conan Show. What's that now? Maybe the greatest...

I always go to sleep when I become pompous. It puts me to sleep. You must sleep a lot. Yeah. Good one. You got me. But guess what? My shirt is intact.

Okay. You look like a hobo right now. Your sweater's all coming apart. It's going to be a problem when someone's walking up this stage and their shirt gets stuck. And then you're going to be like, well, you need to fix it. What?

Yeah. That's your impression of me? Yeah. I'm Frank Stallone. Because it's me, you don't care. But when a podcast guest walks up here and gets stuck in that chicken wire, you're going to be like,

we're going to fix it. That's what you're going to do. Something like, we're going to fix it. You can't have Zach breath getting stuck in wire. You suck a foo, Zach breath. Oh my God. Is that how I sound?

If Frank Stallone had a stroke. You were the one that was just muttering cobble pot for no reason when we were talking about goonies. So it's you, sir, that has the cerebral occlusion. If anyone, I'm sorry. Guys, maybe I did come in a little hot today. You really did. Well, I apologize.

I think I just. Everything okay? Well, you know, it's raining today in Los Angeles, which never happens, which I love. I love. But everyone else gets really tense. People that have grown up in LA act like they're made of sugar and they shriek and cover themselves.

I love it. I was, because yeah, we're both raised here. I love having some semblance of the seasons. You hate it. Yeah, you don't like it. And then you got your sweater caught. Because we're wall sliding. What is wall?

Stop saying wall sliding. That's a thing that. You're the one that invented it. And apparently you're very good at it. Wall slider. Well, good one. Yeah. You really got me with that one.

Yeah. And you got me with that dead on impression. That bath gets caught in the wire. What do we all do? Oh, it's sloth from goonies. All right. It all comes full circle. Goonies doesn't hold up.

Trust me. Yes, it does. No, please. I've reread that screenplay many times. This is a generational divide where people fall on goonies. It is. People divide. Listen, if you're out there listening, and you probably are if you're hearing this right

now, sometimes if a podcast falls in the woods and a bear isn't there to shit on it, was the Pope on the podcast. It's one of my favorite old sayings. Anyway, goonies, generational divide. If you love it, then you're a certain age or younger. And if you are suspicious of it, like me, it means you're close to death. Here we go. Let's get into it because we got a great show today.

Yeah, let's do it. I'm thrilled that this gentleman's here. He is an absolutely hilarious comedian who wrote for Star Night Live, helped create the iconic character Stefan. He's appeared on Broadway alongside Nick Kroll and Oh Hello and won an Emmy for his latest standup special, Kid Gorgeous. He went and saw that show live and was filled with joy and insane envy at this man's talent. Please welcome just the absolutely brilliant, very funny, John Mulaney.

You and I have hung out together. We've broken bread. Yeah, we have literally a baguette over your knee when you chased me through the streets of Lyon. Remember that? I do. We were in love with the same girl. Oh, yes.

Francesca. Yeah, that's a good French name. I don't know. I tried to yes and, and I really shouldn't do improv. I've been asked by the improv community not to improvise. Oh, you were asked by a message board run by Matt Besser to... That used to be. Is that a thing still?

I don't know. There always feels like there's an improv police somewhere monitoring us. So nice to talk to you because we have, we have many things to discuss. I really do believe we have many things to discuss. I know. I've, I've been looking forward to this very much because I've listened to almost every episode of the podcast and have thought about what I would say if I was in the person's shoes I'm listening to and then I think about how a real good answer.

And I'm sure today I will forget all of them. Right. Inarticulate and skippable. You, no one's skipping this one. There are some. I'm sure that you've skipped. I've listened to most of them, which leads this detective to believe that there were some guests that you saw and you skipped over.

It was not for any reason other than... Hatred. No. No. Jealousy. No political agenda. I've just skipped one. Oh.

And it's someone I greatly admire. Oh, okay. Former First Lady Michelle Obama. Oh, you skipped that one. I didn't skip it. I haven't listened yet. You haven't listened to it yet. All right.

I listened to every other one but it. Right. I'm just going to put it out there in the press that you've listened to all the Conan O'Brien episodes. He refuses to hear out. Refuses to hear the former First Lady Michelle Obama. That's just the one I haven't gotten. I just want that out there.

Okay. Let's hope that gets picked up. I went on a binge of the Dana Carvey ones and then I turned my back on the Obama administration. You did. Yeah. As many people have. Yeah. We're going to move on from that because, you know, you never know.

People might be listening going, hey, are they serious? That's a character I'm working on. Oh, that's a good character. Yeah. Hey, are they serious? They are so dumb and talk like Rocky. You're saying there are very muscle bound guys walking around that are saying Adrian and they don't even know.

1970s muscle bound. Yes. Which means still having kind of a gut and like drinking eggs. Something people turned their back on a long time ago. Yeah. Here's why we need to talk. I sense that we are made of similar stuff. Not the same stuff but similar stuff.

Both steeped in Catholicism. You first showed up on the scene and this is a compliment. And I've talked to other comedians about you and all of us are blown away by the fact that you showed up seemingly completely formed. That's the take on you. That's a great take. And I print it. I like it.

Yeah. And I definitely have had one speed since I was about four. And it's the speed you see in here when I'm on stage. I would say the incubating years might be thankfully overlooked in that. Right. People don't see. There was a period. No.

There was a period of like not awkwardness. No. Wait. Awkwardness. But also like maybe a personality crisis in the beginning. Right. Because I thought like, well, you have to have a thing and I don't have anything. I have no characteristic.

I'm not a big fat guy. I don't have a Hawaiian shirt. I don't look like I'm stoned. I had no opening joke. Right. A lot of people can get up and go, you're probably thinking who let the stoner in. And then, I mean, they get that laugh right away. Absolutely killing.

Right. Yeah. Right. And the problem is it's a long way to go to just get that opening joke. Like there are probably very thin, healthy people that went out of their way to get fat just so they could get up on stage and go, I know what you're thinking. Yeah. Dom Deleuze died his hair blonde.

Yeah. And then ate a million donuts. And they get a laugh. Yeah. But they've shortened their lives by 50 years. Yeah. Now you're a big fat blonde guy who doesn't even look like Dom Deleuze. But since the audience knows Dom Deleuze was portly, it's like, okay, fine.

For anyone who wore glasses would say, I know what you're thinking, blank head sex with Harry Potter. Yeah. Yeah. As if the only person to ever need spectacles would be fictional character Harry Potter. He was, to be fair, the first person ever to wear glasses. He was the first, I believe that was before then the motion picture board would censor that. Yeah. People would go into another room if they were going to wear glasses.

Here's the thing. I can relate to you in a number of ways. And we can start in any one of them. One is that one of the ways I relate to you is that you feel like you are out of time. Like you don't belong to this era somehow. I mean, you do, hence your crazy popularity, but you seem like a guy who would give me a tip on a racehorse shortly after the First World War. Maybe even from the early 40s, late 30s, who was then 4F during World War II. Yeah.

You were 4F during World War II. I've always thought about that. I thought, man, I would have wanted to be 4F and then everyone would have gone. Right. I would just be humiliated. Right. And so, and I'd be overselling the reason why I'm 4F. Or pretending you did go and then getting caught in the lie.

Man, a lot of people must have done that. Yeah. Oh, we had a tough time over there fighting the Japanese. Held a conquering hero, that Preston Sturgis movie. Yeah. Like that must have happened constantly. There was no way to check. Right.

People would show up in a uniform and say, I'm a hero. And then, you know, everyone would be at the train stop and two girls would kiss him on the cheek. Yeah. What I would have done after the 40s, even if I had not served in World War II is I would have walked around with a slight limp. And said, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say Iwo Jima was a rough time. One thing I, let me, just one potential fix on that plan. I would wear a purple heart and walk regular.

Because if you walk with a limp, eventually you're going to be in a lot of discomfort. God, you did fix that. You saw right through my scheme. So, give me an era that you grew up in the 50s that was out of time. Would you think you grew up in the 1940s? What's your era that you feel like your family was trapped in? My family was trapped in the 50s. Wow.

Okay. I was. So, even when you're coming of age in the 90s, your family's in the 50s? Yes. We all, or the 50s, even in the 50s, people would have come over for dinner and been like, that's places a little uptight. Wow. Oh, yeah.

Like my dad, when my dad was home for dinner, we would all sit at the dinner table and we would start at 7.30. And we were little kids and we'd go till 9. Normally, he'd have like classical music playing on a stereo. Back then, stereos were a big deal and we had big speakers. And he'd be playing classical music and then he would just point to us and go, Chip, who's the composer? What? Carolyn. Who is this?

John, who's the composer? And he would point to us and we'd be like, Mozart? And he'd be like, no. And Chip, he'd be like, Beethoven? He'd be like, no. Carolyn? She'd be like, Mozart? No.

What? He's the only people we knew. So, he's a very educated, great Santini. Oh, my gosh. He's a bully. Does he like that movie? He's a bully. But it's all like Bach?

Do you know that my dad still yells, hey, sports fans and attention sports fans to us from the great Santini? No. Yeah. That's crazy that I think. He showed us that movie as early as he could. See, I maintain that I grew up out of time. My mother, the way she would talk, I mean, she sort of was like a Margaret Dumont from the Marx Brothers. Oh, really?

But like, well, I think that's, you know, well, and I would, that's why I'm in comedies because I had a mother who was the perfect straight person. Because she would always say things like, well, I don't like that even fooling. I'd make some kind of joke and she'd say, well, I don't like that even fooling. Now, I hope that's not the case. Now, you settle down, you. And then she would have these. Oh, no.

Oh, Conan. Yes. Oh, my God, this won't do. This won't do. And then she would say, when I was being kind of a wise guy or anything, making a smart remark, she'd say, now you're just being a bold stump. Now. And what's the house like?

Victorian? Old? The house is, it's a wonderful life house, meaning it's an old house, but needs help. Big-ass banister? Kind of a banister, but yes, a banister, but it's a house that constantly needed maintenance in certain parts. Yeah. A leaker. Yeah.

Very, there's a lot of us and we're big. So it's, and it's not as big as the house and it's a wonderful life. So we're all slamming into each other all the time. Yeah. And it's the opening scene of Caddyshack meets. Oh, it's a wonderful life. Yes. Yes.

We briefly see Danny's family. Yeah. And then we never see them again. That barely made the cut. Yeah, yeah. And I remember she said to one of my sisters once, like, I think just put on makeup and she said, oh, take that off. You don't want to be a rag on every bush.

Oh, wow. No, I don't even know what that means. I don't know either. I don't know what that means. But neither of those words sound complimentary. No. And so what I'm saying is I grew up not knowing what the fuck people were talking about. Yeah.

And then I'd go to school and people were wearing dashikis and they've got afros and, you know, you know, hip hop is getting launched. And I felt like one of the monsters. Like I would go home and there was, I lived with this family. We had to dress up for baseball games. What? Yeah. My dad was taking us to a baseball game and let's say you came down in a t-shirt and jeans.

He go, go put on something appropriate, you know, and he meant like what you would wear to church, basically, like a button down shirt and khaki pants. And that's what you had to wear to a baseball game. Yeah. Now, in fairness to him, if you watch newsreels from 1904, everyone was dressed up at baseball games. Yes. People used to dress up to go on an airline flight.

Yes. And I still do, especially when it's international. I do. I wear a tuxedo. You wear a tuxedo on any flight. I will wear a jacket and shirt and have a tie in my backpack because if you're stranded somewhere and the airline has screwed you over, the guy in pajamas with a neck pillow around his neck is not making an impression on them.

But if you walk up in a suit and go, I need to be in Madrid this instant, they might. Yes. I just realized I learned that from my dad. We visited New York when I was 13 for the first time and we went to NYU campus, to NYU Law School campus where there were the archived papers of a Judge Edward Weinfeld who my dad used to clerk for. And Judge Weinfeld was his mentor and the only photo in his office he has is of Judge Weinfeld.

There are no photos of his family anywhere. I once asked him, why do you not have a photo of us in your office? And he said, it shows weakness when people come. It shows you have a vulnerable spot. So there were two real defining moments on that afternoon, on that walk. We're walking down the street. We're in New York and a man is walking towards us. And my dad says to me and my brother, okay, if that man tries to shake my hand, I'm going

to say, no, I'm not going to shake your hand and then we're going to keep walking, okay? And then we walk and they look at each other and they snub each other and they keep walking. And we were like, what was that? And he said he did something unethical on a deal and then he tried to accuse my side of doing the unethical thing and I just can't talk to that guy. And I thought that was super cool that he was not going to shake his hand because he was very polite. Both my parents are very obsessed with politeness and kindness and will always qualify anything

with but whenever there's an emergency they're a great friend even though they've just been shitting on them for a half hour. So to know that my dad had a limit and that he would snub this guy was so bad estimate. Anyway, we get to the office at the NYU Law School after my dad snubs this former colleague and there's a student or someone arguing with the security guard to let him into the law school building. And my dad has a jacket and tie on and we're dressed nice because you have to dress nice to walk around New York.

It's clearly a student who doesn't have his ID. The guard is not letting him through. My dad walks right past him up the stairs and we walk with him. Guard doesn't even blink. And as we get to the top of the stairs, my dad turns around and looks at us and says, the power of dressing well. At what age are you telling your family? Because I told my family very early on that I wanted to be in show business.

And my father is a microbiologist and my mom's a lawyer and a microbiologist is a very small biologist. So he's a biologist. Is that a medical doctor? Yeah, I need a rim shot there. So he could have been part of the team that figured out HIV and you wouldn't have known because you were like coming your nose at him. I wasn't telling my nose at him, but I was busy at the ground links in the 1980s.

And my dad was probably stopping a worldwide pandemic and I was working on a character. And you don't want to call them because then you'll lose your groove. Oh, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, there was no time to find out what the old man was up to. So there one day may be a statue to my father and how he saved humanity. Yeah. And I'll pass it and someone will point it out to me and I'll be like, huh, what, oh,

that's interesting. Come on, let's go. Yeah. I've got a show downtown. And then quietly you walk back and you go, hey, dad, how about a catch? And then it's a statue. It's a statue. And it, but it comes to life a little bit.

Okay. But it can't throw the ball very well because it's a statue and can't move. Yeah, it's a 10 man situation. But we still try to play a catch. Absolutely. And how does it go? Um, I'm picturing you throw first because it was your idea. Yep.

Uh, bang, it goes against the bronze. And my father says, I like you. I like you. What? I like you. Say I love you for God's sakes. Look me in the eye and say I love you. Yeah, okay.

Then people come by and they notice that I'm talking to a statue. Yeah. They throw a baseball at its chest, put a dent in the bronze. See, this is the problem. People like us, we get talking and then it's just foolishness. Yeah. You know, Tom Fulery. Yeah.

He was a good guy. He was a really good, uh, Tom, Tom Fulery. Yeah. I mean, I think he was, um, oh wait, I was thinking of Tom, uh, who did the tomorrow show? Uh, Tom. Tom Snyder. Tom Snyder.

Yeah. Oh, I was thinking of Tom Snyder. Oh, yeah. And so whenever you hear just Tom, yeah, you go to Tom Snyder. Right. Because he hosted the tomorrow show. Okay. Yes.

So where else would my brain go? You're right. You're right. You want to hear a, you want to hear a Tom Snyder story? I heard from Bobby Caminidi at Saturday Night Live. Yes. Let me set the background for any young people out there listening who don't know. Tom Snyder was the gentleman.

There's so much background to say. Tom Snyder was the gentleman who hosted the tomorrow show, which preceded David Letterman's early late night show. It was done on, uh, in the studio. I believe that I worked in and that Letterman worked in Studio 6A. Yeah. He worked in Golden Days and, uh, he had a really cool kind of weird, it was just him doing interviews, but it was kind of fascinating.

Yeah. Uh, it was like a, uh, a more baritone dick cavit. Yes. Yeah. And, um, and so people that worked at Saturday Night Live had been, uh, alumni of the tomorrow show, one of which was Bobby Caminidi. You recall Bobby Caminidi. Yes.

Bobby Caminidi. I remember him again very well. Bobby Caminidi, who was still at Saturday Night Live. Bobby Caminidi told me one day, uh, I was talking to Simon Ritch about Charles Manson over by the coffee machine and, uh, Bobby Caminidi strolls by and he hears the words Charles Manson. He goes, oh, you talking about Manson? You want to hear about Manson?

And we're like, absolutely. Cause whatever he's going to say is going to be great. He goes, when I worked on the tomorrow show, we had to go interview Manson at the prison in California. Okay. Now the first off, he is short. He is short. Okay.

And the thing, they said, you got to get a box to put on the chair. If he's talking at times tonight, they got to be the same height. So I got to get a box to put on the chair. Now Manson walks in and he walks up to me and he goes, Hey, I'm Charlie. And I shake his hand, you know, cause he stuck his hand out. Then he walks up to the next guy and he goes, Hey, I'm Charlie. They say, I'm not shaking your hand. You killed people.

And I thought, Oh my God. He goes around the room, no one else would shake his hand except me, but he had stuck it out. So I shook it. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to. That's fantastic. What would you do? I mean, I have this fight with Nick Kroll a lot about George W. Bush or we had this back

in the day. We don't have it as much anymore. I'm a handshaker. I have to say. If his hand is presented, I usually shake it pretty quickly. That would be my dominant instinct. It's not on principle for me. There's no, it's just pure if, I said, if Bush, if you turned a corner and Bush was

right there and said, Hi, I'm pleased to meet you. And this was during the probably 2002, 2003 era. And Nick said, no, I wouldn't shake his hand. And I was like, you, of course you would. It would just be a reflex. And he said, no, I'd never shake his hand. I was like, I want to arrange this now. Just get Bush on one corner and Nick coming around and then.

Right. And make sure it's the holidays and everyone's in a good spirit and they're both holding presence. And then just make sure that George W. Bush goes, Nick, love the word. And you know that Nick would shake his hand. Nick Kroll would definitely shake his hand. And that's not just you, Nick. That's anyone.

That's anyone. That's what you do. Yeah. Charles Manson walks in the room and you've, I mean, first off, you know, he's short. So you feel bad for him because, you know, he's got a complex because you have to put a box on the chair so he could sit on the chair and face Tom Snyder. Also, to be fair, he got people to kill for him. Yeah.

Now I just opened a whole can of worms and I'm sure some people out there are angry, but you know, you're shaking the hand of a man who commanded murder. Okay. Maybe he didn't murder himself. Okay. Mr. Buleosi. The prosecution rests Conan. You can relax.

You and I both had to, this started with me saying I came from this, these two people these parents that were very accomplished and I remember telling them, Hey guys, I need to take tap dancing lessons because that's, you need to know how to tap dance to be in show business. And as I was saying, this tap dancing had been dead for 15 years, but that was my idea of being in show businesses. And I remember my parents thinking this poor, sad kid, there's something wrong with him. They did get me tap dancing lessons.

And many years later, I did get into show business, but it seemed like a crazy notion when you, your parents knew that this is something. Oh yeah. And so when I moved to New York at age 21 and said, I'm going to pursue this and they acted at all surprised. I thought, you know, you've had like a, you've had since I was four to digest this. No, I wanted the same thing. I wanted show business as I saw it, but I saw it for the first time I'd say on I love

Lucy and I wanted Ricky Ricardo's life, which was you're at the apartment all day and you kind of thumb through a magazine and you have the show that night and then you go do the show and the show is at a nightclub and then you have your whole day free. And I wanted that so badly. And your best friend is the superintendent of the building. Yeah. Your only friend maybe, but I bet he had a whole squat. I bet he hung out with the band, right?

Yeah. They were all Cuban. So yeah. I'm sure there were like lots of, you know, lunches with the whole band we never saw. They filmed them. I'm sure they filmed them, but they, they were cut. So I wanted to be like Ricky Ricardo. I took drum lessons and I took conga lessons in order to be perhaps a mambo band leader

and you really took conga lessons. I wanted to learn on a drum kit. So I took drum kit lessons with a guy named Leo Murphy who plays in like, he plays in orchestras and he would play in, when, when, when musicals would come to Chicago, he'd be in the orchestra bit often. So I took drum kit lessons from him, but I also was taking maybe 10 minutes we do on conga drum lessons. I couldn't sell my parents on pure conga, but drum kit lessons they said was fine.

So you announced to them, when I say my parents, I mean my mom, because my dad was not around for these conversations. Yeah. He was off tie shopping. Yeah. We, because you've always seemed to me to be very confident, like you just knew, you knew it exactly what you wanted to do. You had a precise idea of what you wanted to do in comedy.

Yeah. To a degree that makes me a little uncomfortable. What's talk about that then? Well, it's funny to want to do something since you're four and then do it and then have these like fantasies where it goes well and have like, are these like superlatives in your head and you think, oh, you know, that'd be great if they said that. And if you, to, to be fortunate enough to have some success and then you're like 37 and you're like, Oh, I have no other interests and no hobbies.

And now this is my job and it's a wonderful job. But I've only had one thing on my brain since I was four and that's, it makes downtime a little odd. Yes. I can very much relate to that. Comedy used to be my escape. And then when it became my job, I come home and my wife always wants to watch funny things. And I always want to watch the Russians turn back the Germans on the Eastern front.

In a documentary, I want to watch something where there's been a murder and they're trying to figure it out. Lives have been shattered and people are processing the pain. I want to watch, you know, something about the, the czars and Russia and again, Russia, again, Russia, anything where there's a lot of movement of troops and pain. That's what calms me. I wouldn't say that comedy is my job and therefore I don't like it. When I'm doing comedy, I love it.

It's the time in between when it's like, the thing I do is comedy that I don't want to consume it. But when I'm actually performing and writing and stuff, I'm having a ball. Then you're happy. Yes. It's kind of in the in between things. It's like on a phone call about marketing and, and, and poster layout. That's when I go like, I wish there was some way to escape this frustration.

And that's when I go like, well, your job is creating those escapes for other people. Yes. Yeah. Let's take a quick break. We're back. How'd you like the break? It's pretty good. It's a nice break.

Did I have to run around the whole block? It's good for you. It's not. It's something I have all the guests do. You know, I smoke and you did it anyway. Are you a heavy smoker? No, but I am embarrassed to say I still smoke from time to time. Right.

Do you? I don't smoke. Ever. I never smoked. No, my dad's doctor and I, I know your dad's a doctor. I also know that it is not good for you. I don't know why I do it. Well, there's a lot of things we do that we know aren't good for us, but this one's

really bad. Like absolutely no, even like red wine, people like have one glass a day and you'll prevent heart attacks and increase libido. And there's nothing, not, there's never been a plus to cigarettes. There was for a while in the fifties and sixties, they were saying. Oh, that it would give you a boost in your T-zone. Yeah, exactly. They were, they tried it for a little bit and then basically they said, no, it will

kill you and kill you quickly. It's been a long, long time that they've been saying it will kill you. Right. I was born probably 30 years after that was an established fact. Right. And I had two today. Well, you can, you can slowly taper it back. Well, yeah.

I mean, I, I have been and I, I started smoking when I was probably like 13, 14. Wow. That is, that is really, we're really talking about like having a cigarette like once a month. Yeah. That's probably when I started. Wow. To start at 13 or 14.

That's great. Freshman year. Yeah. Wow. Freshman year, maybe one a day sometimes. Right. Yeah. Would you make it last for a long time?

Would you put it out every two seconds and then relight it later? I must have made it last or they were longer back then. Did you carry it around like a hobo? You know, the way sometimes they always have a shorty. Yeah. Exactly. And they take it out and they put it on a little toothpick and they relight it. Did you do that?

No, but I, I definitely, I would definitely pull a cigarette from an ashtray that I assumed was mine in a car and, and, and, and like, here's what I'm envious of. I love all the accoutrement that comes with smoking. Yes. I would love to, if they would invented a cigarette that was, wouldn't kill you, was perfectly healthy. Like corn silk and plays. Yes.

People smoke, yeah. Yes. But, but also in some way, even had some health benefits, like it actually, you could inhale calcium or protein, it would go into your body, but it looked like a regular cigarette. I would get the lighter. I would get the, the cool case. The cigarette case is really, is really missing. When I see old movies and a gentleman takes out of his jacket a cigarette case and flips

it open and takes out a cigarette and tamps it down where the filter, tamps down to get the tobacco compacted and then takes out a really cool lighter and lights himself a cigarette. Yeah. That he owns. That he owns. That is his. Yeah.

And goes in his pocket of his double breasted suit. And he doesn't have like a hundred of them around the house. No. He's got one super nice one. He's got one and it's always filled with the right liquid. Yeah. I so want to smoke. I so want to be able to smoke in that moment.

Why isn't it healthy? Why does it have to be unhealthy? Or why can't the industry, I am talking to you industry, why can't the industry make such a cigarette so that we can enjoy it? Why are they always making a cigarette that kills us? Because it wouldn't cross the blood-brain barrier and become addictive, so I do see their point. You're right.

Yeah. Smoking is, I got to, I got to do something about that I've been saying for the last 10 years. Okay. We'll help you with it. Oh yeah. We're friends now. I used to smoke in 30 Rock indoors.

Oh, you're kidding. Yeah. Yeah. But a lot of people did. You know what? I have to say when I was a writer. This was a long time ago. This was 2009.

There was a writer, John Swartzwalder, and he would just chain-smoke in the room while we were working. Yeah. And it's a small room, and we're sitting on this shitty furniture, and he'd be chain-smoking right next to me and putting his cigarette out in the ashtray that was on the armrest that we shared, and it never occurred to me to say anything. I think I inhaled 800 cubic tons of tar. My death will be on his hands.

Yeah. I want the coroner when I die to investigate my lungs. And if in any way, John Swartzwalder's cigarette smoke shortened my life, I want his estate sued. The investigator's going to interview about two or three other Simpsons writers and get so annoyed talking to these people. He's going to give up immediately. Did you know O'Brien when he works here?

Sir, look me in the eye. Look me in the eye. Mr. Gene, are you thinking of Alts? Stop thinking of Alts and look at me. Did you know when O'Brien? Did he sit next to John Swartzwalder? Yeah. Well, you didn't do a lot of time in writer's rooms where it was just hell, did you?

Because it's Saturday Night Live, it's different, right? Well, Saturday Night Live, our rewrite room would be the closest to it. Yes, the rewrite room is the closest thing. I had written it Saturday Night Live, and then I had truly only one. You knew you wanted to write there, right? Like that was one of your dreams was to work at Saturday Night Live? Yes. Or am I assuming that?

Well, so I wanted to be like Ricky Ricardo. I started becoming kind of a comedy nerd, then I slowly realized I lacked certain skills that I saw other comedians have, like being like physical comedy or even being in their body at the moment. I wasn't able to do that. I was like, I had no sense of how to be funny like a John Cleese or something. Right. I remember watching Money Python and seeing Michael Palin and being very relieved because

he's brilliant and hilarious, but I thought, oh, I could do that or I could attempt to do that. Right. But I could never be funny the way Bobcat was, the way John Cleese was, the way countless other people who had a lot more. Their body is a big part of their instrument. Their body and their, you know, I felt the same thing working with like Bill, Hader and Fred and Keenan, I thought like, and Kristen, I'm not going to name a little Cass, but it

was the same thing of like, this is fine because this is like writing for like Jimi Hendrix or something. Like, I could never do what they're doing, but I started to identify that when I was younger, then, ah, then you came along, 93, and it was great. I don't know what it was like for you, but that first year was so, so, so fun. Was it good for you? And we were having so much fun watching it. I don't know, it was like for you making it, but we, the audience, I remember being so,

I just, I went, what the hell is that? To the point that I thought you might have stolen my act, like, I was like, wait a second, that's exactly what I like, and that's exactly the kind of humor my brother and I do. And we were locked in on the show, my brother Chip and I. I remember you had a week where you were going to find Grady from Sanford and Son, and bring him on the show. And you kept building up to it. And I remember Friday night, I might have been at a friend's house and like maybe going

to sleep over or something. And then I realized it was Friday, so that this was the night Grady was either going to come on or not. I still remember sprinting down my street in Chicago to get home, to watch it with my brother at 1130. And Grady came out with under huge, under huge lights, that's Grady, after a limousine. I think we played, whoop, there it is. After a limousine pulls up to 30 Rock.

We kept cutting away, I think, to the limousine, bringing Grady from Sanford and Son to the show. And I told my mom, I want to be like Conan O'Brien, and he was a writer and he worked at the Lampoon, and I want to do that, and then I want to be a writer, and then I want to have a talk show like that. And my mom, all she heard was, you're alma mater. And that's all she got out of that conversation, was that I wanted to go where you went to school.

Right, right. And she was very happy about that. I don't think she paid any attention to it. She later said, I always hope that you meant you were really going to work hard enough to get into said school. I remember there was like your third year anniversary. How uncomfortable? Is this okay that I'm just on the show?

No, no, I'm fascinated, because to me, I wish your future self could have come and visited me in 93 and said, it's going to be okay, because the stuff you're doing is worthwhile, because we cut so much negativity from everybody. And it didn't affect us. We kept going. It didn't? Well, it didn't stop us from trying to continue to be as weird as we could possibly be and do the things we wanted.

That I'm proud of. I don't agree with that, well, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I prefer not to have gone through that, I think. But that's okay. It happened. It does happen. And occasionally, one names a show after themselves, and that can go downhill. And listen, kids, if your greatest fear is ever seeing a newspaper say, Malaney is not

funny, don't create a show called Malaney. Because that's your name. And though they're writing about the show, and they're kind of parsing you from the show, it's going to pack a punch. Yeah, I don't know what you're like. I am very good at, my wife always notices this, I get compliments and I hermetically seal them in an envelope and go, that's so nice, and I put them away as if, I'll open that later and enjoy it.

But she's told me, you've got to get better at just being grateful when people say nice things, which have gotten better. I don't know what you're like. Yeah, then we're wired the exact same way. When people say to you, oh my God, I saw a kid gorgeous and it's the funniest thing ever. Oh, thank you. That's very nice you just say that.

You say that and then you just put it away, or can you internalize? Are you able to take it in and soak up the fact that you're making people happy? Oh, oh, oh. You, John Mulaney. Yeah, I can take it in. I did learn from when I had my eponymous sitcom, which was called Hiroshima, which was called Mulaney. Uh-huh.

After that, I had always heard this maxim like, don't listen to the good reviews because then you have to listen to the bad or whatever, and I thought that's true. After that experience, I thought, take in any compliment and enjoy it. I'd say the final hurdle though would be to show the person that you've enjoyed the compliment as opposed to looking at my feet and saying, oh, thank you. That's nice of you to even watch it, but that's probably never going to go away. I have to say, I had been watching you stand up and then we had gotten to know each other and you had done stand up on my show and I was a big fan of yours.

And then I went downtown with my wife and saw a kid gorgeous. And my wife, Liza, was saying, I haven't heard you laugh like that in memory. And I was so happy. And then I had this weird feeling watching you do that show of, I want to be doing what he's doing. And it's so funny because I wasn't, I really meant it. I was like, I would like to do that. I would like to get up on CH and because the kind of your sense of humor is, I love it

so much and I love how universal it is. I love that it's not, you're not ripping stuff from the day's headlines. Not that I have anything necessarily against that, but it's just not my cup of tea. And the most political you get when you talk about Trump is saying he's like a horse in the hospital. And I was like, oh my God, that is my favorite kind of political humor. And I think actually the hardest to do. And the only time I've ever had a take that was, I think, good in the moment on something

happening in the moment. Yes. Right. But I mean, that will endure and also probably could be said about future presidents because this isn't, Trump is just the beginning in my, we're going to have more horses in the hospital. Yeah. You look back now and Nixon, Nixon was like a bad doctor.

He was a bad doctor. He was a doctor. Yeah. But at least he had, yeah. There were people around to medical school. He had gone to a medical school. He knew some of the jargon. Yeah.

No, I was watching it and I was kept saying to my wife afterwards, I was kind of keyed up and I was just like, I just, that's so great. What John's doing and I was, I just, and to do that in a theater, it's so great. And she was saying, well, you know, you've done things kind of like that. And I was like, I want to be that person in this moment. So I think that all the time. When I see, I saw Ali Wong at town hall and I thought, I wish I could do that. You know, it's like, oh, I want to be a comedian.

I think that all the time I see comedians, oh, I want to be a comedian. I always love the idea of, there's so much stuff in show business that you would think would be great. And then it really is great, which is when you do a show, we'll say it's before the show and you check into your hotel and you realize that because you're doing a show, you're not really paying for this hotel and you go up to your room and then it's time to go down and go to the theater and check out the acoustics and check out the sound. And sometimes if I'm working with the band and there's a band there and I get to play

a few tunes with them and, and then okay, they're going to load the audience in and you got to go downstairs and there's just, I absolutely love all of it. I love being in old theaters. I love weird pipes in the bathroom and ask, I always ask the stage managers there like haunted, right? Yeah. And they go, yeah. All right.

Who's the ghost? And they'll tell you, you know, uh, the Midlands Theater in Kansas City or the Moore Theater in Seattle, uh, there's different ghosts at each one and they know who the ghost is, you know, right? Well, Midlands Theater, they said, there's a janitor and an anarchist set off a bomb in the lobby in 1910 and the janitor died. And I said, so you see the janitor's ghost and go, yeah, I go, what's he doing? And they go, he's normally sweeping up in the lobby.

For all eternity. For all eternity. He's still punching in. I have to say, um, the life I have at, if I could maintain what I'm doing now, which is doing standup and doing some small other parts and, and contributing to different shows and then occasionally making something like Oh Hello with Nicole or this children's special I just did, like that, the ability to have like, uh, to kind of curate little things and be doing standup.

I have to say, I have zero complaints about the schedule, lifestyle, everything. This, I, if I could maintain what I have, it'd be great because this has been fantastic. I agree 100%. I've had some people say to me, when do you think you might wrap it up? And what I, my almost honest answer is, I like to make stuff. Yeah. I like to make stuff. And as long as I get to keep making things, I don't see a reason to say, well, farewell,

America. Yeah. It's been a fine relationship, but now this soldier needs to fade away. Or be an entertainer that announces their retirement. Right. For some reason. Yeah. And that is normally.

Well, I always find it. In three years. Yeah. There's a miracle and very, there's an egotistical air to, well, America. Yeah. I know. Like, no, Conan. Ladies and gentlemen of the press, there comes a time where every champion must leave

the ring. One, one reporter, one reporter from kids news. I want to keep, I want to call a press conference every day until at first, you know, I'd get a couple of reporters to come, but every day make a big announcement. And then over time, you wouldn't get anybody to come. Yes. And I would just announce Conan O'Brien's got a big statement again tomorrow. I think one thing that I find generationally difficult, and I don't mean to say that I'm

not pleased that terrible people are revealed and that their actions are made public and that they are disgraced. But when it's done on social media, I generationally miss that moment where that person had to do a press conference, which used to always happen. Right. And the question was what is a significant other stand next to him or not, and that was often focused on. But it was just, I mean, when someone had really done something terrible, they had to come

out to so many flash bulbs and then say, earlier today, I discussed with my fellow friends that I have acted in a manner or not. And it's just like, it was this weird thing where like an alpha was like now going to cry and you're going to cry in your suit in front of the cameras, you idiot, you're such an asshole to people. Yeah. But now that has been replayed. First of all, now no one admits to anything.

Screw you. I didn't do it. And then other people or it's a written statement. It's a written statement. Get out in front of the cameras. Yeah. Have a, have a lectern at a Hyatt hotel. Do it Don King style.

Right. I let others down, but mostly I let myself down. Yeah. Because that's what we're concerned about. Yeah. We're worried about you letting yourself down. Tell me, cause you've been told me over the phone, this show with the kids sounds really fun.

The youngsters. Yeah. This is a special coming out on Christmas Eve on Netflix and it's called John Mulaney and the sack lunch bunch. And it is me with about 15 kids ages eight to 13. And we kind of hang out in a Sesame Street like clubhouse. It's a kind of like an urban garden in between, you know, it's all a set in between two buildings. Has that feel that Sesame Street did of like somewhere in New York, maybe.

And is there a studio audience? No. No. Okay. Okay. And from there, we have a lot of songs about anxieties and fear and there's huge kind of Broadway scale numbers. There's small cameos from beloved people.

There's showstopping cameos from people. And there's lots of little interviews along the way with the kids to learn about them. I cannot explain it well and I never could pitch it well. And I couldn't sometimes discuss even with my collaborators exactly what I was picturing. But it is now done and it is coming out and you're happy with it. I am more happy with it than I have been with anything I've ever done. Oh, wow. That's fantastic.

I hope it goes well. I hope people watch it. But the actual experience of making it was so rewarding. I can't overstate it. I had never done something where I knew in my head what it was going to look and sound like and I couldn't explain it except for that I knew what it was going to be. And Reese Thomas, our director and Merica Sawyer who wrote it with me. This was not just me alone, she and I co-wrote lyrics and the sketches and the interactions

we had with kids. Then we have these interviews with them where the kids just speak themselves. They're not scripted. But we all kind of eventually got into my headspace of like, yeah, I wouldn't know how to sum this up either. But to pull it off when there were moments that I thought like, am I insane? Is the fact that I can't describe this a problem? To do that really felt good.

Yeah. It's coming out when? December 24th on Netflix. Christmas Eve. Okay. And Netflix is... It's Channel 32. Oh, good.

Thank you. Unless you're in Boston, it's Channel 9. Channel 9. Okay. And in Chicago, it's Channel 4. Channel 4. I got it. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. And you're in St. Louis, it's also Channel 4 because you get Chicago. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Netflix is a former DVD mail order business which is now taken over the world. Okay.

I'm writing this down. I used to mail DVDs to people. I remember that. And we would not return them. No. And then they said, what if we took over the world? That's the greatest business man. And they did.

Yeah. All right. I'm going to wrap this up because you've been very nice to come in on a Sunday. Did I go on too many tangents and did you get the answers you needed? I don't know that I was looking for anything other than your companionship, a nice chat. I thought we... Seriously. I thought we had a nice chat.

I think when you started off, you were saying we had something similar and that we're from a different time. I can't extricate myself from your persona to some degree. It was in 11 years old. It got in under the garage door before it closed and it's in there. That's good. So I can sue you for somehow... Oh.

Right? Oh. See? Oh, okay. See? You know, Don Henley warned me about this. You ever see the Eagles documentary? Yes.

Twice. Okay. I watched it twice too. The second time I was sitting on the floor and my wife came home and went, oh my God. Yep. This again? It's a great documentary. The best part is when things get litigious, Don Henley and Glenn Fry switch to Mr. Felder

as opposed to Don Felder. Yes. They're like, well, if Mr. Felder is like, oh, you're so... You're so litigious and so used to depositions that you know exactly the language to use. I love it. I love suing. And I love... No, it's so funny to me.

To sue someone, the aggression and the pure wimpiness of it at the same time. You'll be receiving a summons and you'll be receiving a cease and desist. It's like you're calling your attorney and they're writing a letter and it's done with all this agro bravado. Why don't you do that and I'll sue your ass and I'll sue you for breach and you'll get a cease and desist. Yeah, you do that. You're threatening them with paperwork?

Yeah. Maybe one awkward videotape depositions. It's the sad world we live in. Oh, it's fun though. Yeah. Well, you're one of those people who I hope does this again sometime. I know doing it at once is enough for anybody, but... No, I do.

There's so much to talk about with you and so happy that you were able to sit down. I know you're a busy fellow, but this is just great. I'm free all day and I really enjoyed this. This made my Sunday. In lieu of church, which I haven't been to in about 20 years, this was a wonderful way to spend a Sunday. All right. Sunday in the park because we're right near Bryant Park.

Not with George, Mr. Sondheim, but with Conan. And now a message from Serda. Worst ending ever. That was fun. Let's play. In the intro to this very episode, we were talking about the film Goonies and I think I called him Chester Cobblepot or something and you guys said One-Eyed Willie was the pirate in Goonies and you're right, but Chester Copperpot is the old like treasure hunter

in that movie. The explorer. The bones. Yeah. And Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot is the penguin. And then of course there's the president, Chester A. Arthur. So I just thought we ought to understand who all those people are. That's important.

Yeah. I hope you like this new segment, clearing up shit no one cares about. I knew this would work. No, no, no. This is great. What a good use of time in an era when our civilization hangs in the balance. It's Cobblepot, it's Copperpot and it's Chester A. Arthur. Tune in next week when we try to decide if peanut really is a legume.

I just knew that the internet was going to go crazy with corrections. Or, or, yeah, not read the internet. Oh, I took it off for the holidays. I'm not on. You're not going to be, you're not on the, you know, for the, is it really you turn off the internet for the whole holidays? For everyone. No, for me, I'm off social media.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's wonderful. You must get a lot of angry stuff, right? What do you mean by that? Well, just a lot of people that are like, hey, I like it when Conan talks, but then when you jump in with something, I become enraged. Do you not ever get that? I'm at Conan O'Brien.

Yeah. Because I send you those messages all the time. Yeah, I get them from you. Conan is smooth, jazz-like voice, soothing. I think anytime anyone talks about the Goonies, it's just a waste of life. Come on. Oh, here we go. This is the real crux of the matter.

It's beloved and you know that. For reasons that escape me. You're being in control. It's a movie where all the kids just speak at the same time, and it's annoying. Like this podcast. They all talk over each other, and I know that that was the idea because someone said, but also, let me ask you this, don't kids know the word treasure or gold? What are you talking about?

Because in the Goonies, they say rich stuff. We've got to find the rich stuff. Yeah. No, that's an adult trying to sound like a kid and fucking up. It's just gold or treasure. Kids know those words. This is interesting because we talk about this as a generational divide, and you guys are clearly on one side.

I'm right in the middle. No, Goonies for Sona is her citizen cane. Oh, my. No, it is. It's your on Golden Pond. It's your Gandhi. It's your movie that, you know, it's your Titanic. I mean, it's the movie that moves you more than any other movie.

Or it's a movie everyone just generally loves. Not everybody. I'm tearing it to like cinematic achievements to just make me look like an asshole. I feel like you're just more, you're, because I'm not saying it's citizen cane. I'm saying it's, it's fun and it's, it's, I love it. And I think that for a lot of people, they love it. Well, I know the movie did well because it generated a lot of rich stuff. Oh my God.

You know what? We invested in it. Oh boy. Hey Sona, I come down on your side. Thank you. I was 12 on this thing. There's a shock. Oh.

Oh, what? So much bitterness. So let me guess. I'm trying to picture it. You walked into the, you were 12 so you were wearing a little sailor suit and you had a giant lollipop. I did. And your mother Winifred was holding you.

Wellford. Was holding your hand. Yeah. And you said, Mither, you took me to the motion pictures and I thank thee. I thank thee. And she said, now sit down. May I have some candy, corn? Please just sit down.

We're going to watch this movie Goonies and we're going to enjoy it. Yes, mother. You started wearing long pants when you were 18, remember? You graduated to big boy pants. It was a good day for you. You suck. I blow. Let's just admit it.

Well, you started this by intensely trying to bait me with that cobble pot, copper pot. I wasn't trying to bait you. I think you were. I was trying to open up a conversation. Not everything's in a front pattern. A world at war, and I'm not in it, God will stand for it. I don't think your stance on Goonies is a popular stance, especially among your audience because your audience skews younger, so I think you should just start liking the Goonies.

And say that the earth is flat. Come on. Are you a flat earther, Sona? No, I'm not a flat earther. Flat earthers are dumb. They're dumb people. Okay. If you're listening to this and you're flat earth or you're dumb as fuck.

Jesus. Sona, that's half our audience. The research just came in. Our audience are people that love the Goonies and think that right around where Arizona is, the world ends, just drops off. Did you enjoy any kids movies that were made for kids? Look at you searching for joy and it's just not there. Looking for joy.

I'm walking through the caverns of my mind. Looking for joy, but each room is just filled with coal and not even shards of coal that would burn very well, not big, plump pieces of coal, just little broken pieces of coal. Wait, here's a room, let me look in this room. There's no joy in here. When I was 12 and my parents are going to hate that I'm saying this, my parents- Was this before you came to America? Okay.

My parents took me to see Pulp Fiction, which was a huge mistake. Wow. Yeah. They thought it was just cursing, which they were like, that's fine. You could listen to some curse words and then, no, there was a lot more than curse words. The gyms scene, the drugs, a lot of drugs, I mean, it's not a movie for a 12-year-old. What were your parents thinking? I don't know.

I have no idea. It was one of the most uncomfortable days of my life. Wow. Did you film the movie for you? Can you watch it now and enjoy it? Yeah, I can. Yeah. Just my dad yelling in full volume in the theater, Sona, are you closing your eyes?

I just picked up your dad, your dad is- It's just a panic cake. Your dad has this big mustache. Sona, close your eyes. This is such panic. It was really funny. My mother took us to see, I recently did the math. She took us to see JAWS.

And okay, so I did the math, I think I'm like 12 when JAWS comes out or something like that. But she took my seat. I remember our sister Jane was with us and Jane's quite a bit younger. So Jane would have been like eight or nine and I remember Jane just crying and crying. And I just remember that recently and I was thinking, what the hell was that? My mom's a smart woman. What was she thinking?

What was she thinking? I don't know. I remember there are underwater and Richard Dreyfus is looking in the boat that sank and he sticks his head through the hole in the boat and the head pops out. Jane shrieked and was crying inconsolably and I'm thinking, my sister Jane shouldn't have been there and I want to have welfare, child welfare, what are they called? Child services. Department of Child Services?

Child services. I want them to go visit my mother now. I want them to go now and say hello. Hello, Mr. Brian. Yes. Yes. May I come in? Yes.

You're under arrest. What? We just listened to Conan's podcast. Conan's not the good one. No, no. He's not Luke and he's not Neil and he's not Justin. He's the bad one. You want your mother arrested.

I want my mother arrested for taking Jane to see Jaws. Okay. Did you ever think you could walk Jane out of the theater into the lobby? I could wait. What's that? You could have walked her out into the lobby. And missed him a job? Seriously, no.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured

on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.