Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - John Mulaney Returns Again

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

John Mulaney feels [redacted] about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. John and Conan sit down to discuss the mystery of how art gets financed, seeking attention as kids, and early morning wiffle ball games with his son. Plus, Conan finally delivers on his long-awaited gift for Matt Gourley’s birthday. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. This episode was recorded on 8/7/2023. 

Hi, I'm John Malaney and I feel... Feeling redacted until later in episode... About being caught in the Brian's crack. Fall is here, here and now,'re walking loose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we aren't gonna be friends I can tell that we aren't gonna be friends Quiet, I'm just waiting for you to be done Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this is a high-casseting talk

Okay, very well, we talk when we go Oh, okay, well, okay, you could go and go. You guys are idiots. Go. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. If any of that earlier stuff is not going to make it in. Sonna was trying to get the last word, but before we started, but then I did. And, but you're the mature one. It's not like it matters to you.

What? You had to mention that you won. The important thing is that I won, and you lost. Because I started the podcast before you could say and go. I said it kind of quietly, and you're going to keep that in. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, it's crazy is that this is how childish I'm an elderly man.

And, but I remember we used to do this thing at the show, at the late night show, where I would tag Sona and then head down to rehearsal and she would tear after me. Yes. And I would run full tilt. You would try and touch me back before I would get. And this is, we were adults. Yeah.

Full on adults. You would lock yourself in your bathroom, in your dressing room. Yes, and then it'd be telling me, you have to come out and do the show. And I'd say, make sure Sonas not there. So she can't tag me. Yeah.

Before, what, what, what, what, what, someone diagnosed this? It's idiocy. It is really really stupid and I won most of the time That's not true. That's not true. I know it's not yeah Who which one of you's more pathetic? I'm gonna say me. Oh, no, come on. It's not fun when we agree no, it's definitely me. I'm older I was the host of the show and I used to try and think of ways that I could be assured of a win. I thought once of putting a mild acid in a squirt gun, firing it at you if you got

too close, like a mild acid that would just create like a first or second degree burn, maybe a third. Well, we've always been like very brother sister and Danny and I used to do this where, you know, my mom be like, don't, don't hit your sister and usually he'll be like, he'll put his finger an inch away from my arm. He'd be like, I'm not touching her, I'm not touching her and it would absolutely drive me insane. Yeah, I think it's, it's definitely a brother sister thing and I, I have the T's gene. I like to, I'm sorry, this is a big coming out for me, but I do like to, where you also

a G's team? Well, often, yes. I mean. Starting it around 15, yes. No, not. Anyway, the point being that it's definitely me. I'm the pathetic one. It was my problem.

It was up to me to be the mature person and of course I couldn't do it. So, so now I'll take the fall for that one. I don't know if, duh. What? I don't like you to do that. I'm not doing it as a passive aggressive move. I'm saying.

You know you are. No, I'm not. You are. You are. Until you acquiesce, then he'll make it passive aggressive. No, I'll be the pathetic one. I'm pathetic. All right.

Okay. See, then he's not spawning it. Look at your face. You're smiling at yourself. You're so proud of you and happy with yourself. If you could just put her saying on the pletic one on a huge echo, so it reverberates, I'd be quite happy. Normally I do not grant these requests,

but that one, I will allow. And take it away. That was the pletic. All right, well we should get going. We have an incredible guest today. Absolutely incredible guest. One of my favorite people. I say that sometimes.

This time I really mean it. Do you think any of my apologies to everyone else? Okay. My apologies to Dame Judy Dench. No, get her on the show. This gentleman is such, I really respect his comedy mind, his writing, his abilities as a performer, and as, I just also think he's an incredible person. I'm thrilled he's here.

My good friend, John Mulaney, welcome. You can start whatever it's that old chestnut, you're always saying mean things like I feel. Everyone says mean things. All the musicians say sincere things, and the comedians say mean things. Yeah, that's okay. What are you getting at? You're a very good musician. Thank you. Musicians never take, it is such a big fat

teaball of a moment, this blank space. And musicians go, and I feel thrilled. You're like, that's what you fucking got. Also, I spent, and then comedians go like, I feel angry at this red head prick about everyone has to pommel you. It's gonna be good. It's fine.

That's what I want. I feel quite excited, you know. Okay. I'm a country western star and I feel deeply honored. Yeah, and I feel unworthy. Very pumped. Oh, okay. Well, now I'm really curious about this.

Poms. Except for, of course, Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. Who's got the record? And Questlove, both went on for, did like 20 minute riffs that went, that all over the map, we then, we never got into a conversation.

Anyway, please, you start and then we'll chat. And then we'll give you a second chance at it because this isn't gonna be good. Yeah, now I have the dilemma. Mm-hmm. You know, you really put yourself in a corner. Well, and I put him in a corner. Well, I'm just excited to find out whether you're a musician or not.

Ha ha ha. He's a great, he plays the, the liar. Hi, I'm John Malani and I feel cornered about being cornered by an expert. Ha ha ha ha. You know, you perpetually look cornered. You think so? Yes, you look like you're, you always look like you've been backed into a corner. I feel, I always feel like Peter Lurian,

and just a lot of, a lot of hands pointing at me. All right. Your eyes dart from right to left, sometimes left to right. Yeah. Peter, Peter, on this next take, 100% less. 100% less eyes starting around. Serial killers are supposed to feel some godlike quality. He is the most nervous, serious killer of all time. No one saw the murder. My friend, Jeff Martin does, who wrote, well, on the Simpsons with me, and we've been friends

for years, he does a very specific impression, which is, you know, we all talk about older people trying to catch up to the culture, and the culture shifted so rapidly in the 60s that stars suddenly didn't were confused. So, he does an impression of Peter Laurie in 1964, months before he dies. And he's traveled the world. He's entertained kings and queens. He knows everybody. He's very continental. He's, you know, but things are changing rapidly. And he's watching. He's sitting in his armchair watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. And kids are screaming and these guys with putting haircuts are going, and everyone's losing their minds, and Peter Laurie's watching it at home,

and he says, what's happening? And I think about that a lot, because that's how I feel. Now, Conan O'Brien, age 60, watching things happen on YouTube stars and stuff, and I go, what's happening? You are Bob Hopen as the Primes wig. That's where you are in your career.

You're like, this will be funny, right? This is what they want. You want this shit? My favorite is Frank Sinatra. I think was on an appearance on a variety show with the fifth dimension. Oh, yeah. And he's wearing a Nehru jacket. Yes.

And like a goofy outfit. And he's doing a goofy sketch with the fifth dimension. And they are, you know, wearing, they're wearing calf tans and they have afros. And then he's, you can tell. He's saying, I have to do this because Frank always wins. Frank always comes out on top, and I am not losing to this new generation thing. I'm gonna master it.

This was also around the time he did a cover of John Denver's Leaving on a Jetplane, which is a very melancholy song, but I think the way Frank interpreted it, leaving your wife on a plane is the greatest. So if you listen, he goes, "'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane. He's so excited about the trip.

I don't know when the fuck I'll be back again. As chilly when I'll be back. My parents saw the fifth dimension, my parents saw the fifth dimension like 20 years ago, up in Wisconsin. I got back, how was it? They went rough. But, oh, wow.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Usually parents have a pretty low bar for entertainment they go see. It's just, oh, that was terrific. It's like, you know, Sona anytime, I'm not, this is not an attack,

but Sona anytime there'd be a screening that I would go to because a guest was coming on. I would go and see that get it, that set up a screening and I would go to because a guest was coming on, I would go and see that set up a screening and I would go to watch the film so I could interview them the next day for the late night show and you would always come with me. And I, of course, would sometimes say, that was pretty good. Often would say, that was okay.

And many times would say, man, that really didn't come together. Every single time, Sona would say, that was fantastic. And I'd say, really? And should say, yeah, I mean, people worked hard on that and they made it. That was your bar.

That was my bar. They made it. Then it's really exciting for them. I'd say I give a lot more on So, and a side on this one. Hey! The sheer raising of the money is impressive to me. You trick some. You trick some. I'm going to say it. The sheer raising of the money, small donor dollars. John, I would love it if you started writing movie reviews

because a lot of movie critics are quitting. They're famously quitting or saying, I can't review this, just superhero movies and movies based on board games and dolls. I'm out. Where's your mean streets? Where's your, you know, so a lot of people are getting out of it. I would love it.

If you started writing movie reviews and they were all based on the financing, oh my God, that's all I think about. You ever watch a movie and you notice like, there's no extras. They didn't have a dime. Yeah. That's Vancouver and there's no extras. They didn't have a dime. Yeah. That's Vancouver and there's no extras. Yeah. Just, they work for Tim Horton's coffee in a pancake.

Yeah, there's no extras. There's no one in this restaurant. I love that stuff. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, all right. I would absolutely tell you that the money's the only interesting thing. Well, I truly, let me think about that before I commit to it. Yep. Yep. Well, I love that because I remember you and I once watching on the waterfront together and I started to talk about how

God Brando and this is such a new style and look how Cazanne shot it and you really get a sense of the city, and you kept cutting me off and saying, this was done on a shoe string. And you were very, very critical. That insert, that's not his hands. That's someone else's hand. And you gave the movie zero stars out of five. Yeah, for use of money.

Yeah, and you said black and white. Now, first of all, we never... I think line producers should review movies. And they go, that's an insert. That's half a day right there. That's a full day. I would love that. I would watch that any day. That's day for night. That's it. Yeah. I've always wanted to do a celebrity show that you had a celebrity driven talk show for

So I thought the podcast was the start. I forget. I get the order. You had a whole career. The end. Thank you. I asked someone some friend of my I was hanging out. My wife has wise Alec friends. And we were hanging out one night. wise Alec. Sorry. Come on, I come from a different era. To begin here, the world were a stand up routine. You know my wife has one's out. Or quite possibly the best.

But quite possibly the best. Uh, a night with Conan. Wise Alec. Wise Alec. And even they have words for me. And so, I think it was when cameo was coming, was first becoming big. I said, when would I do cameo?

And one of her friends said four years ago. Oh, wow. Oh my god. I was like, all right. I married well. People are assholes. But I forgot what I was gonna say, because it was really good.

Oh, it was so good. If you had a celebrity show, oh, I want to do one where you open the books. It's called Open the Books. Yeah. And we take someone say both of us knows and we're just curious, uh, what's their nut? Oh my God.

This is all I talk about. And, and, and, all you talk about. No, no, wait. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I Carvey because he does this. Well, no, I was going to tell you Dana Carvey, and I think we've mentioned it here, but Dana Carvey is a master. He'll stare at me and he'll say, come, I think is what you made on the show. You didn't make that much the first couple of years, but then when it took off, I'm going to bet you made this much and he's always close. Yeah.

And he'll go, and okay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know you take care of people, but no, no, no, no, no, no, and then blah, blah, I know you take care of people, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I know, okay, then you, okay. Now, I know you sold the podcast company, okay, but I know you don't do, you don't do corporate, but you also do this, and then he'll come up. Yeah. And he's amazing at it.

And so I get him to use that superpower on people that just confuse me, because there are people, as you and I both know In the business that they think you're okay. They get by and then they'll pull up in like a Rolls Royce and I'll think First of all, that's the wrong reference for a cool car now, so that's on me. Well, you Set the bar. Let's all make fun of Conan's on coming dementia But they'll pull up in like a brand new fancy car I think you've set the bar. Let's all make fun of Conan's on coming dementia. But they'll pull up in like a brand new fancy car

and I'm just thinking, okay, I wanna break it down. And there was a show that broke it down and said, okay, let's break it down and find out how this person gets by. Cause we all know how A-listers get by. But how does these people who occasionally show up in a show, but they also do some gigs, but then they still live the high life? How's that work? Yeah, I should be called secret money or overspending. So we bring in someone and we decide

if they are making more than we realize or if they're spending beyond their means. Yeah. Because a lot of people do spend beyond their means. Well, the host of over overspending is going to be John Levitz. Hello. What is there? There's always why did you buy a statue of a donkey that's made of gold? jealous. There's always like you, you write speeches for Microsoft conventions or something. What I call revenue streams.

There's something you don't know. There's something you don't know. Absolutely. Your little secret term is revenue stream. Revenue stream, yeah. Can I ask you a question? You have a friend of your daughter's thing with you, correct? Yes.

What does she call you? She hasn't said my name. She just showed up last night. So she hasn't said, oh, hello, Mr. O'Brien, or do the kids friends call you Mr. O'Brien? Well, I'm curious because, yes. Yeah. Because that was something that started in grade school.

Is that apparently the word went out, you call parents, Mr. O'Brien or Mrs. O'Brien, and they do that. And I used to think, that's a little formal. I don't know that I need that, but the second a kid says, hey Conan, I want to tear into their torso with like my sharpened nails. Pull their heart out, you eat it in front of them.

Maybe an over-action or a proportionate. Thank you, yeah, proportionate. Yeah, the minute I heard, and my son once, a number of years ago, when he was a little realized that all he had to do was say, my son is quite large now and older. My son is in his late 50s, but my son said, okay, Conan.

And he said, okay, okay. And he was like, all right, I'll try better. Conan. Now, like, well, I'm daddy. You call me daddy, daddy, and he knew that it really does push a button. He really big-time do there. Yeah, that's so fun.

What do you want kids to call you? Mr. Malini. Yes. Sometimes I say, call me Dr. O'Brien. No. But you're not a doctor. I'm not. Do you have honorary degrees?

I don't know. Who knows those things? He does. He does. Yeah, from Dartmouth. Dartmouth. That's pretty cool, huh? Why'd you laugh then? Why'd you laugh if it's so cool?

It's great. You were expecting a different school, didn't you? It's great. The're expecting a different school didn't you? It's great the darkness Was Cornell book Get the tissues for Dom Delewies I Was caught up. Oh, wait. I won't the blooper reel on you ripping into different schools I gave a speech there they I was not a prerequisite. I didn't ask for it. They gave it to me I have a bachelor's we got a you got a doctor. You got a doctorate

Arts or something. Yeah, arts. Of course arts. Yeah, what do you mean? What do you? or something. Of course, arts. Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean? I'm a scientist. In my own way, I'm a scientist. You know, in the 1700s, you would have just taken over your dad's job and you would have

been a scientist. Your dad would have dropped dead when you were 15. Yeah. And I was still being a lot. And he's not saying. Yeah. It isn't saying. You're like 60 and you got...

My dad. My dad. You're 60 and you walk around with a dad. My dad. At this point, you guys should be brothers. At a mom. You should just be brothers. a dad, my dad. At this point, you guys should be brothers. I had a mom. You should just be brothers. My dad, my dad is 94.

He fought in the borrower, look it up, kids. Yeah, he fought. Oh, come on. And yeah, he's still going strong, but you're right in the olden times, where my father to, first of all, no one lived past 50. He would have dropped in the field, and I would have taken over his medical practice,

and I would have been a frenologist. I would have measured the, felt the bumps on people's heads and decided if they were sociopaths or not. Yeah, so that's the kind of thing, and I would have been very respected. Yeah, it would have been a better life for me. And you would have been working, you would have been training to do that

from a very early age. You had no child, the people always go poor Michael Jackson, he had no childhood, but you know who else didn't, is anyone born before 1910? Yes, yeah. And they did Mary Children with a giraffe as a witness.

Yeah. Oh shit. Oh shit. This is, is that the first heart take you've heard on MJ? Yeah. You never, yeah, it's a pretty sacred cow in comedy to not go after.

We now know. Wow. We now know. Sohnah, a lot of people have negative takes on it. We now know why John was not asked to give a ujee at Michael Jackson's funeral. I had a nice version. I know I read your nice version. I read your nice version. I had two version. I read your nice version. That's exactly what the, that's exactly what the host said. I read the nice version and it leads with the whole giraffe, no child to think. I had a version without that. And I was perfectly willing to call in an audible

and switch it on the fly. And the organizers knew that. But did I get led in the staple center? No. You know, I Sonia was a new hire when Michael Jackson shuffled off his mortal coil backwards. And he moonwalked off that moral coil.

Any hoots Sonia was new and I called her from the car. And I said, Sona was new, and I called her from the car, and I said, this is terrible about Michael Jackson. She said, yeah, and I said, okay, well, she was- Was that a test? That was the final test.

I said, no, and then I said, just a range of like a private viewing. Oh, that's tough. And I said, I want a private viewing, and I heard her writing it down like private viewing, and I said, so just find out who we talk to. I'd like some time alone with Michael, and I said, I don't want to run into Tito. Yes.

And I really don't want to run into the dad. And you said, and I heard you going, don't run into the dad. She had just started. She had just started. Yeah. So I came to work, and the first thing I did was march into her office, and she was starting to make calls. And I saw in her pad, she had listed all of the things that I had said. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I want to, you get in touch with my lawyer and you're like, okay, and I said, this is her name and it should be in there and you're like, okay, and

then she's going to need to figure out. We're also going to need to talk about adoption law. And again, and I said, yeah, and she said, what's this all? And she said, I'm going to want to adopt blanket and she just hung up on it. So that's when I knew I had hired. I just started working for him. Like, I was so new. And he didn't care. I would believe heard. I just started working for him. Like I was so new. And he didn't care.

I would believe you, I would believe him too. It's just a, he's a stone's throw from Michael's inner circle. I was. No, I mean, two calls and you've got two phone's throw. Two phone calls and you've got Quincy Jones or Barry Daler, or someone who worked with Michael. Yes, yes. I mean, yes, thank you.

It's Conan O'Brien. I don't know why I was calling on me. Okay, I could get that would have been fine. That would have been a problem. You wouldn't have known I wouldn't have known at least at the ready that he didn't, you know, introduce him during the Black or White tour. I wouldn't know in the I wouldn't know I wouldn't know that because I didn't do this because I was a known person when you were young. And so for all you know, I partied with, you know, Al Jolson, like, you know, anyone from the 1920s,

you linked me to all those people. Yeah. Yeah, very plausible. Let's talk about subjects that are near and dear to our heart. I'm a massive fan of you and your comedic styleings. Thank you Conan, a massive fan of yours. I am, I just know the way to do this. It's an ill times. Wow.

But I, because you, you, you're, oh my God. Who said, oh my God, was that you? No. I was drinking water and I'm not that kind of very good that killer was. But you're a very good killer. You talk about so many themes that I can relate to, and I'm not going to mention any specific

projects because we're not doing that now. We're not going to do that. We're not going to do that, but I've seen you live many times, and so many times you so beautifully and perfectly and hilariously capture things that I talk about. And one of the things that you've talked about is when you grow up in families like ours in birth order, the need for attention and the things that you will do to get attention. 100%.

And I was watching you being very hilarious about the things you would do and your jealousy of other people that got attention in weird ways. And I have, I was listening to this and thinking, I've gotta mention this to John. I've gotta mention to you that when I was a kid, I desperately wanted attention.

Middle child didn't think I was getting it. And in class, we read the book Death Be Not Proud, which is a true story of the author's son's battle with brain cancer. There was the writer who wrote travels of Europe and traveled the USA, he had died. And he, Gunther, John Gunther. And it's the story of his son battling brain cancer.

And I remember reading that book and being jealous of, and the kid loses the battle for dies. And I read the book and I remember thinking, I got that so much attention. Oh my God. And it was like, now do you understand that? 1000%? Thank 1000% thank you. Thank you. I remember telling my mom exactly what I wanted

at my funeral and her, I had no illness, no Michael Jackson. What we didn't know then, there was a lot of Michael Jackson. And she said, well you know you're not gonna be there to see it all and I was crestfallen. I still can't get over that. That I wasn't gonna get to see people listen to all the songs I picked. Right.

And have the speakers come up, say what a good person I was? God damn. Can you imagine? I remember that. And I also remember going to Mass with my whole family and my grandmother came with us. And I mentioned this to you guys the other day, but I have to say this in front of John. And so I don't know how old I am, I'm like 11 or 12. And I just feel like I'm just this red-headed,

round-faced, freckled blob just lost in the sea. Like, no one's looking at me. So, and my grandmother was with us who was ancient. Ancient, she was born in 18... I think she was born in 1890. I think she was the person who shot Teddy Roosevelt when he was giving a speech. That's who was her claim to fame.

But he best political mic drop ever. Thank you. Both those party speech. Yeah, get on the shot. Don't you realize I've been shot, everyone laughs. He goes, no, no, look, and he opens his jacket and his glasses case, stop the bullet. And then he continues the speech.

So today, that would be okay, just be president. Let's stop fucking around trying to find someone else. Anyway, my grandmother's with us. We're all there in church. And then this is the part where you go up and take communion. And I got out and I feigned a limp. I faked a slight limp going up the aisle and took my communion and then did my limp on the way back and sat down on my grandmother, leaned over

and she said into my ear, are you lame, boy? And I said, I'll be fine, bravely. It was all bullshit. Wow. Because I needed to pop in that moment. And I wasn't popping. It was responsible for your success. That drive.

I say, Glimp. No, just that's why Lauren gave me late night. Yeah. I'm concerned about his limp. Maybe a little late night experience. Lauren Kasteman. Lauren was directing Richard III and David Green. And then from that, from Richard III, he said,

you want to write the late night show. And he said, what have I hosted? What have I hosted? Everyone was so busy that it happened. Yeah. That's why that part's kind of true. Yeah, it's a little bit.

That actually is true. One year I told everyone in school that my dad was Mark Summers, the host of Double Dare. And I would say these things then I'd forget about them. Right. And then people would meet my dad and be upset. And then I would go to school and say that our house burnt down the night before

just to get any traction. Yes. It was just about getting a little eye contact and a little conversation going. We're not, I don't know about you. I'm not defending any of this behavior. Oh, good. This is sad, tragic behavior.

I am just that when I've, until John said these things in his stand-up, I like I can never admit to this, but then a very well-liked, professional comedian and voice of the voice of youth said the same thing, and I thought, now I can talk about this. Now I can say that one of the happiest days of my life is when I shattered my elbow and had to be put in a cast. Wow. And they brought me, because a kid in school, we were fooling around and a kid jumped up on top of me and I fell back and put my arm back and it bent a completely style.

Yeah. The wrong way. And they put me in what was like a 1920s comedy cast. You know, today would be like microsurgery and then like a tiny, they put me in a cast that was made of a plaster that they used. They have the stick going from the arms. I wanted the stick. Trust it going from forearm to rib.

Yeah, from forearm to rib. Yes, because you wonder if there's even anything in there if it's just all plaster. Yeah. I had my real arm tied behind me. Yeah. And then I had a fake cast with a stick. No, but I, and I remembered my, they gave me medication and I remember thinking, this feels, I feel amazing. I have an incredible sense of well-being. And then I have this cast on and they took me home and they put me, I lived up in the attic. They put me in my, in the central, they

put me on the second floor. Oh my god. Wow, that's a fucking worse data. Christmas was coming soon. Christmas was coming soon. So my parents brought out gifts for me. This was like December 18th. And then all my brothers and sisters gathered around.

And I thought, I hope this arm withers. Yeah. I hope this arm never heals ever. I just so curious talent aside, because this is the talent side of the table. How much of that drive just gesture to John. I just want that. Yeah. I just say what I saw was a you pushed in and then you scooped towards John. I took your small portion and I just hedged my bets over here. How much of that, because you know, every kid dabbles in that, we dabbled in attention seeking, but I think at a certain point you go, okay, I got to be realistic here, but you continue on. How much

of that drive is responsible for where you guys are very successful. I'm just curious. Well, you want to take this, John? Well, I don't know. Because there's obviously talent, but what chicken or the egg? What gives you the talent? The need to, like, you workshop your talent for a need for attention, or you have the talent? How did it go? Well, if you have the need for attention, the drive for attention, and then you have the delivery device of entertainment,

which comes first. That's why I think not everyone does it, maybe. Some people didn't just love entertaining and show business as much. which comes first. That's why I think not everyone does it maybe. Some people didn't just love entertaining and show business as much. I was always mystified by kids that didn't want to be an entertainment. Yeah, mystified.

Me too, and I also... I'm still mystified by people that don't want to be comedians. I'm actually still quite confused by why people don't want to be comedians. I'm not remotely kidding. But also... I don't understand.

If you openly mock the guy that made like the Hubble Space Telescope. That thing, that's no good. You look in it, you just see your eyelashes. You look in the viewer's eye lashes. That thing stinks. Do you have a friend with a telescope and they make you look at the go you can see Saturn tonight and I yeah you look and you see your own eyelashes. Yeah I do.

And then when they finally show it to you, it's like a dot and you go okay one time this happened to me what did you think I was going to be I'm embarrassed to say what I thought it was going to be. And he's like did you think it'd be a ball with rings around it and you'd see that through the telescope I said yes absolutely. That's the whole reason that through the toes. I said, yes, absolutely. That's the whole reason for having a telescope. I can go online and look at an amazing photo of Saturn. I don't need to come over to your house and you serve this shit wine.

And now I'm supposed to look at my eyelash and then a dot. Yeah. And by the way, that's not guacamole. If there's not onion in it, it's not guacamole. Wow. I'm getting very specific. Wow, wow, wow, wow. The Hubble's crap anyway.

It's no people that know about that stuff. No, it's crap. But I know to the public it's a big to do. Look, the new telescope, the web telescope. Now that's the winner. The Webster Hubble telescope. Is it Webster? Who was Webster Hubble?

Is that Reagan Bush? What is that? What is that name? That reference? Webster Hubble. It's a person. What is that? What is that name? That reference? Webster Hubble. It's a person. I don't know that it is. I think you should maybe go.

I think it's a Hubble. I have nobody look at me. Former Attorney General. Under? From 1993 to 1994. Oh, Clinton. Clinton. Nevermind.

Incredible. Yeah, I'm not going to say that you brought us on an unproductive cul-de-sac. But I am going to say you're interested. You know what's good about a cul-de-sac. You can drive right out of it. We know who Webster Hubble is now. What bothers me is that when you entered the building, the name Webster Hubble was written on your hand as if worked this in. That's the part that concerns me. And we still haven't even gotten to see

Everd Coop. I love that beard. What a great whaler he was. I want to say something else. We've talked about this subject because another thing that you talk about, which is likeability. I know that you sometimes, I really love it when you break into song. Sure. Well, don't say sure. That means.

No, this is good. It's a good way to show your listening is to say little things about someone's talking. How do we know that we're not just dropping those hands? Dropping them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. talking. How do we know that we're not just dropping those in? Yeah, what I would love to do is record John doing little things like, yes, love course, yes, and then drop those into other people's. Anyway, I would do a thing sometimes over the years in front of the writers where I couldn't say something to them about

how I didn't like a sketch or what the flaw on the sketch was, but I could start singing a song and the song would very specifically be a very chipper song, but it was a very, the lyrics were improvised and it would then very specifically get into what was wrong with the sketch. And it was like a spoonful of sugar. Musical passive aggressive. It's incredibly passive aggressive, but the song would keep going,

and I would commit to it 100% and people would be chanting along and then realize that they had just had some, there was some lead in that dream. Right, there was some, I don't know what that is, but I see you. We were born in the USA. What's that?

It was you're born in the USA. Yes, behind that driving beat. Reagan said, oh, well, you know, well, well, we'll use that as my song. USA. What's that? It was your born in the USA. Yes. Behind that driving beat. Reagan said, oh, well, you know, well, well, we'll use that as my song and then he hadn't listened to the lyrics. And I hadn't listened. No. Yeah.

They were critiquing his sketch. Yes. So my question is, I've seen you do that and I really like that. And I love the whole idea of being able to communicate truth by just singing a song about what a waste of time, Webster hub, a reference was, and how we won't recover, how we won't recover. You know what I mean? And then it's just, it comes out that way in song. I'm the guy who makes references all the time, but when Malini makes references, I shit on them, and the one with all references all the time. I mean, it's ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah, exactly, just like that.

You can edit, right? I won't, but I can. No, okay. And right where I did. I won't. And then put in a cheers. And then edit out the part where, I won't do it.

Well, Amy comes right back at me. And it's like, eatethbunker's saying, maybe you're the meathead. No, what a crowd goes crazy. Edit in that time. Multiple times, you referenced tova borgnine or tova wife. Yeah, you had a bad divorce. Did they tova and Ernest really right he divorced her because her forearms were bigger Wow add more laughter there. I can't do it and then

some silence and then Music and then more laughter. Okay, or was Ernest Borgnayn divorced from Shelley Winters? Maybe I'm a Shelley Winters. I think they married. He stayed married to Tony. Okay, great. Were they married? Didn't they do a Poseidon adventure together?

Were they? Shelley Winters. Shelley Winters is in Poseidon at that time. Were they married at the time? He's earning in that. Isn't he? Ernest Borgnayn is in that. Okay.

He plays. Yeah, Ernest Borgnayn is. Let's go to see what it's like to do. I doubt it. I actually, no joke. I think I remember seeing the Poseidon invention. I think they were married, isn't it? Yeah, he's a, I think the two are showing. Yes, yes. Borgnein are married to each other in the movie. Yes, they are. And then she,

they're both in the movie and they're and they're married. And I think he's like a retired police detective or police captain. Okay. I believe. You're welcome. Nicely done. Nicely done. Don't finally made a reference that I get. All right. Okay.

Okay, let's just take it easy. And everyone just relax. Let's put the knives away. Absolutely. Okay. Your attack on me, I think, was completely unfounded. Oh. But you talk about likability.

That's something I think about sometimes. Clearly, it's sometimes. It's funny because people that... I clearly, on the podcast, shed my concern for likability. But yes, you have. Yeah, but I'm saying, I'm in a good way. You have. I mean, you've shown how mean you can be. Oh, please, but I'm saying I, I mean in a, in a good way, you have.

Yeah. I mean, you've shown how mean you can be. Oh, please, I don't think mean, I think bravely honest is the way I would call it. No, you know, in a, it's like you're, you're, a monster. You changed up pitches and you're like, oh, the whole time he's been mean. Yeah. Well, we could have, which is the, which is the big reveal for every comedian. Oh, they have contempt for so many people and so many things Oh, that's the big do you know? Did you guess what? That's our everyone's rosebud is a sled that says kind of mean

Yes Yeah Yeah, I don't I don't take a second To think about the sled just to collect yourself. I'm really rattled. Yeah, you're shaking up a lot. Yeah, this has been a huge revelation for me. How about that funny waiter we had at dinner a few months ago?

Which waiter? I don't even look at hotel. I don't even look at hotel. I remember how funny that waiter was, he gave us, he gave you the bill. You nicely treated me to dinner and he said, and you said, and I'm not leaving a tip. And he said, sir, I'm expecting something absolutely amazing. That's true. He had like Bob Balabat-time.

He was, yes, he had perfect timing. Yeah, he was great. He was very good. I forgot. I forgot. We had a good time, didn't we? Did we see any famous people that saw John Mellon camp from a distance?

I didn't see him. He was splice. I saw him. I saw splot. I saw him. I saw his profile. We saw, and we knew the guy he was with. That's right. We did know the guy. I had a large gum abscess worked on that day.

So my face had like a golf ball in it. You people in the restaurant thought I had struck you. I know. It really did look like that. My face was ruff-rolling up, but it didn't hurt. And I didn't want to cancel dinner because he's so hard to get to nail down plans with. Was he ever since he got married?

Yeah. Oh, really? When I knew him to realize that it was like, we were like, you know, oh, the times we had. Oh, yeah, we were like, first nighter and, and, dip kibble.

Yeah. Yeah. We were like, baby, yes, we were like those guys. No, we were, what did they used to call? Seriously, they used to call us the wolf pack. Oh, right. And it two of you.

Well, there was another, I don't know if they want to mention, we should mention the name on Mike. It's your call more than mine. You go, you say it. Oh, I know. Come on, we know it's Tova Borgam. It is not Tova Borgam. But it was you, me, Alex Trebek,

who's not around anymore to you. Not around anymore. Yeah, but he's not he's that's a good way to say. Well, I'm sorry. He's not. We were young. We were young. We were had we had fun. We had so much fun. Yeah. I tore it up and there are a whole areas of New York. I can't go to anymore. Right. We'd close out Jones on third. Yeah, it's a lunch place. Not people around the world. People around the world, that's a calm lunch place. It's real chill.

I'm just sitting in California. Nice, lovely. No, whatever. But then yes, I got married and I settled down and then you got all, you were like a baby about the whole thing. I stopped my feet at the weather. He did.

He did it. He did a full on rumpel stilt skin. He was going up and down, jumping up and down, stomping in dirty cowboy boots. A little cloud raised up. Yeah. But when you realized that I had this mean streak, did it endure you to me or were you disgusted? No, I knew the first time there's also the only two choices. do you, to me, or were you disgusted? No, I knew the first time. There's also the only two choices. Endear me to you.

But when I would do standup on late night, I got to meet you on the show and then I got to talk to you after. And you were talking about, you were shitting on the other guests, to me, I was thrilled. You said it was like wrestling a cat trying to get an interview out of someone. And I love to know that you had great contempt

for your other guests. Oh, yes. It's almost, you'd need to be lobotomized to interview people every single night and just be delighted by everybody. It's not possible. And you were, but also I knew I could talk to you about it. Yes, immediately that was quite an honor to me

is that you felt you could, you could say, nasty things about other people to me, which you could and you can't. That's sweet. It's really sweet. It's which you could, and you can. Yeah, that's sweet. That's really sweet. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give a young man that you're mentoring. It's to let him know.

It's to let him know just how small you are on the inside. What a little, yeah. Little prick you are. Yeah, what a nosy neighbor gossip you are. I'm not the only one. You know what's funny? What was the question? Do you have good neighbors?

Do you have nosy neighbors that snoop? I have nosy neighbors that know that, uh, lies as a witch. Oh, and they've been hearing through the hedges. Yeah. Wait, no, but I love people. Then there are people that are able to, you know, our mutual friend who we both adore, Martin Short.

He's, uh, he can, he's so mean. He can be so mean and incisively mean about people and situations and gossipy, but he also has incorporated that into his onstage. Oh my god. And no one's done it better. And no one's done it better. And he's so, do you know what I mean? He's, yeah. I think aren't all comedians mean? Sorry. I mean, there's always, there seems to be a mean streak in mean, mean, meaning, not cruel. Yeah. If there's a joke, how would you describe it? Actually, like it, if you're with a group of comedians, and they can make a joke about

you that's mean, but they'll know it, it'll get a laugh. They'll do it 10 times out of 10. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Okay. All right. I was going to say Nate Bargazzi once described doing stand up for people that don't know what stand up is. He did it at a award thing for his described doing stand up for people that don't know what stand up is He did it that a award thing for his father and he said they don't know I'm a comedian so it just seems like a mean speech And it is it's like these are you have these prepared remarks where you're sitting on products and people and the city you're in and it really is that's all it is. It's just a mean speech. So someone did a city you're in and it really is, that's all it is. It's just a means piece. So someone did a mashup online of all the times, Marty's come on the late night show and

he would always do the same thing. You know, he'd come out the first 10 minutes, which was just delightful and delicious for me was him tearing into me with all these prepared beautiful jabs really going to town. And I would just be dissolving, just a pile of mush that was so happy. And then we'd move on. And someone put together a mashup of all of the best Marty roasts of Conan, and it's online somewhere. And Marty, who I hung out with recently, said that he went online, because someone told him it's really funny, Marty. You got to check it out, and it's had a lot of clicks. So he went online to look at it. And the first comment was, doesn't he know Conan could

tear him fucking limb from limb? Oh my God. Like he's six four. Don't you and Marty was just like, what? Like Conan's just barely restraining himself. No, doesn't he know he could tear him Doesn't mean he could tear him. He could tear him limb from limb. But Conan's just showing great restraint.

Great grace. Yeah. Everyone in the studio audience was always going wild Conan and is showing great grace to this petty little man. This petty little elf is just taunting Conan. But Conan with his coiled steel muscles. Keep it up short. He'll be using your hands for extra.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I just, I don't know, just was like, oh, okay, that's the essence of not understanding. I would like to make one thing clear, because we're talking about how mean we are. I have to say it. I don't, I'm not mean to anybody out in the world that I encounter. All right. And I'm sorry. We were all holding like you're not mean to, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You're the worst guy that ever lived. Now I'm back to your neighbors. Who are you around? That's gonna help you. That's exactly.

You always get the paper on the front lawn. I do. I do. I go and I walk out like Tony soprano, and I get the paper. Yeah. I'm always in the same robe that Tony soprano I bought it from the Gandalfini estate.

Hey, more travel shows. Less interviews, Conan. Yeah. Stick to what you're good at. The travel stuff is working. I like the travel stuff. Most stuff with the guy, Jordan. Is he even real? Yeah, I just want to say.

You want to clear it up that I want to clear up that you're a very nice fellow with a nice, you to say I think because we have such an outlet for our anger and disdain that most of the time we're very even killing nice, I'd say. Yes, that's an accurate statement. I would absolutely agree. I think I've been kind to you when people were watching. Sonna, when people are looking, I'm kind to you.

No, you're not. You're not. All right, you're right. You're right. You're brutal to her on this show. On the show. You're brutal to me on camera when you had your late night show. But occasionally, I'll notice that we're in public and I'll do some performative nice thing if I think someone might see it. I'm saying if I think people are watching I'm good at replicating kindness.

No. Isn't that a great thing? Yeah. Well what about you? Have you made progress in caring about whether people... Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself. Have you made progress? Have you made progress in caring about whether people... Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself. I mean, you made progress. I'm sorry.

Have you made progress in caring about... No, no, about what people think about. Do you want people to think about me? Yes. Yes, I have made progress. It would be, I'd be lying if I said, I didn't bother me at all with people think about me, but I've made a lot of progress.

Right. I would say... The cycle's also shorter now. Yes. Oh my God, I said the wrong thing, those people probably hate me. Now they probably don't, they probably give me the benefit of the doubt over. Yes, that helps me because I think I've made

similar progress in that way. I used to worry too much. And if you had asked me 10 years ago, what's one thing you would change about yourself, I would say, I would very much like to not care what people think of me. Even today coming in, I saw Andy, then I saw Jeff Ross. And five years ago, I would have gone,

oh, I'm gonna say hi, but they don't want to talk to me. They have stuff to do. They're annoyed. They have to talk to me. They're annoyed. They have to talk to me. They're annoyed. They have to talk to me. And now I walk in. I'm annoyed to talk to them. And you should be. She was really on the other foot.

John Mulaney. Yeah. I'm not submitting writer packets to Jeff Ross anymore I don't know if it should. No Well, first of all you should never been submitting writer packets to Jeff Ross Would you think Jeff? It's pretty good. I was it seems like it's typed. I was giving them to Frank Smiley Was that not the right guy to go? Frank Smiley's Frank Smiley. Yeah, but you said he shouldn't have been submitting a writer packet to him either

I think I was giving them the Dan Blire in props. I think your approach was all wrong. All right. That's why I didn't get the big gig. I submitted three packets to that fire station. I didn't get the six. I don't understand what happened. And there was a fire extinguisher. The first question is, did 30 Rocko, was it 50 Rock?

New, I gave her explicit instructions. These are my ideas, ma'am. Deliver them to Mr. O'Brien. You're at a dental hygienist's office. These go to Conan O'Brien. Well, you know what, I'm not allowed to. Do you care what people think about you less as you get older? Yes. Yeah. I still care, but I care less. Yeah. Because I know that I'm just gonna go away, crumble, turn to ash. It'll all be over. How do you really deal with it? Don't do a bit.

Don't do a bit. Don't do a bit of it. How do you deal with it? How do you deal with it? How do you deal with what? Exactly. Let's get let's talk about a death or a criticism. No, Chris. How do you deal with whether you think people like you or not? Well, I've talked about this before. I do a bit actually. No, no, I'm okay. I guess what I'm doing is there it is. All right, sorry. No, I've mentioned this a couple of times before, but when I was a kid, I wrote E.B. White a letter and he wrote me back in his return letter.

In a spider web he wrote it? He wrote it in a spider web. You just had to do it, didn't you? You just had to do it. With a goddamn pig, just from the guy that lectured me. Let's share the real story Conan and no bits. To the real story, I didn't say I wasn't gonna do bits. Oh, that's true.

You never agreed to that. Never. Anyway, his response was. What was your letter to him say? Well, I can only deduce that from reading his return letter because of so many years ago. And since then, the EB White foundation has found the letter. But, anyway, he says some nice things about my letter

and then he says, as for your question, if you're concerned about criticism, if you're gonna have a tough go as it is a writer, because I was telling him I was interested in writing. And you wanted no criticism. Yeah, I need a very long-ish. I know, I'm telling you, this is what I was worried about was being criticized.

I said, I don't handle criticism very well. I'm afraid of it. And he was basically telling you, this is what I was worried about was being criticized. I said, I don't handle criticism very well. I'm afraid of it. He was basically telling me, you need to get over that. I'm going to die soon and you're going to be a talk show host anyway. You're never going to be a writer of no pivot away from writing. As soon as you can and squander it in a foolish medium. That's what I know that it was near and dear to my heart. And I'm not gonna lie though,

I think if someone has the wrong impression of me, it's hurtful. But as you go on, I think as you know, when you have kids, things change a little bit. I think having kids is a huge reset because you think, well, as long as they're okay, then. Yeah, there's that. And also, oh, I've met the person.

I now know the person that I want to make laugh. And the only, you know, it's not the only. I like other people in my life. But if there's someone's eyes, I want to see light up. It's it, it's my son when I get home. So, yeah, it does. And all my anxieties are poured into him as well, in a good way, I think.

Yeah. And also, being a parent's made me dumb. So my thoughts are extremely simple. And they're just kind of on a 20-month-old level. And that has made me 1,000 times happier. Are you funny to a almost two-year-old? Very. And I am phenomenal at baseball to him.

I can hit a baseball far that you wouldn't believe how far I can hit a wiffle ball. He has said things like, whoa. And dad, I do that. Yeah. Yeah. But that's the whole thing. But you remember, uh, I think it was my, maybe it was my daughter when she was like two or three watching me think some baskets and seeing her face think He's maybe the greatest athlete that's ever lived just picturing you bring her in a stroller to a public court in New York City And then you stood at the free throw line taking shot after shot. She was in the sun And I there's a little thing that you can a little hood that you can pull over But I didn't do it because I thought it would obscure her view of my shots And the fact that I made two out of 11,

impressed her and then she was very sick from heat stroke. The point is I'm a really good guy. No, I can't even, I used to spin out about so many things and I used to want to be so clever and wanted to be this curated little prick. And I now have nothing in my head except, yeah, Malcolm do that. All right.

Yeah. Baseball. He wakes up at 4.50 a.m. Every night when he goes to bed, I go, what time are you going to wake up? And he goes seven and we both laugh. And then he goes deal, we say deal and we shake and then he gets him better wakes up at 4.50. I unzip him at 4.50. This happened two Wednesdays ago and he goes baseball immediately.

I go you want to play? Game. So I take him out, get him out of his sleep sack. Now he and I are in the front yard 5, 10 am in pajamas and jackets. And I take the ball and I put it on the tee. And he's holding a wiffle ball bet and he goes two bets. So I hand him another bet. Now he has two. Then I had to buy a third because when we play he likes to bet. So I need my, I put the ball on and he goes, that I do. And I go, that I do I smack that wiffle ball so far. And he goes, yeah, good job. I go, yeah,

good job. I put a ball on for him. And I go, Malcolm do that. He goes, yeah, good job. I go, yeah, good job. I put a ball on for him. Uh-huh. And I go, Malcolm do that. He goes, yeah, Malcolm do that. He hits the ball, which means he hits his hand holding the bat against the teeth and the ball falls off. Sure. And I go, yeah, good job.

He goes, yeah, good job. Malcolm, good job. And we're just two morons at five in the morning. The flood lights, like ring camera lights are going off. It's so early. The way he's saying baseball makes it something he wants to, like he makes it sound like he wants to bet on baseball. Oh yeah, like baseball, yeah, we bet on baseball.

He came from a time machine to bet on baseball. Yes, as we all did. Like I, I used to need so much to feel any kind of happiness in the day. If I see a garbage truck with him now, we're both so psyched. It's like at seeing a celebrity. We hide behind a garbage can and we watch it in odd silence. We're two women who see Courtney Cox at the Grove.

We just walked barefoot. Still in pajamas and jackets following the garbage truck holding whiffle ball back. And you look at the thing come out and grab the king. Yeah, I love that. No one impersonates a garbage truck better than me in my son's eyes. In your son's eyes. Strong. And he goes, you should, should calm.

Now at home, you can yell garbage truck all day long. That's something you yell like if you get into water and it's cold, you go, yeah, garbage truck. But when you're following the garbage truck, he and I have never discussed this, but we have a mutual understanding, you do not yell garbage truck at the garbage truck. Like that would be disrespectful.

Yes, there's an etiquette. There is some strange unspoken etiquette. There's a coach. Yes. And he understands that. Yeah. So I'm a bad interview these days, and I'm not as fun to talk to at parties because everything's so simplified, both loving my son and being on his level. If this is a bad interview, then I wish all my interviews were just dreadful. How kind? Can't you be real for a second? I am. No, that was awful. That was dreadful what you just did. That was dreadful. Thank you.

You said it like a horse. That's so kind. I'm going to wrap this up, but I am going to tell you something I've told you before, which is you are a constant source of, I don't know, joy to me, anyway. I just absolutely love what you do. And I've said this before, I love your mind and your writing and your performing of comedy.

And it makes me feel good about things and about the way stuff is headed. And I am so happy for you that you're finding peace and having a good time. Thanks, man. With your family. I just, no, no, no. It's a nice day for me when I get to sit here

and it trade stupidity with you. It's a joy for me. Thank you, Conan. You're my absolute hero. So you saying that means more than I can say, in words. Now say this. I'll say this, say it again as a horse. Yeah, yeah.

All right, thank you, sir. Thank you. I've been feeling badly about something, which is that, well, do you feel badly about anything? Do you feel anything? I've read enough to know about that humans do feel badly about things, and that if I emulate that feeling, then other humans will feel closer to me. So based on that knowledge, and then I've got to leave and report back to the beings on my planet.

As you know, Matt Gourley had a birthday, a while ago, a big birthday. And I was proud of myself, because I found a gift that I thought was great. Like this is a perfect Matt Gourley gift, and I order it. I'm, you know, look, let's face it. I'm a little long in the tooth.

I've been around for a while. So I'm not accustomed to buying things, like, yeah, I'll buy things on Amazon, but when you're buying things, bespoke items and special items from other people, I'm not used to this concept that then they ship it from their home and you wait for it. You know, that whole, yeah. And this package never showed up. And then I'm sure Gorylee was thinking, yeah, right, you fucking got me a gift.

Yeah. But I did, and my assistant can confirm that he did that, because even though I'm pretending I did all this, he was the one who fucked this up. Oh. No, no, he really did. But it didn't happen. And fortunately, insurance paid for it. So I took that money, went back to the person,

they said they did have another one. What a sucker I am. I could have done this like 15 times. I'm supposed to be keeping the cash. You went back to the person? Yes, went back to the person, because it wasn't their fault. It was somewhere along the shipping.

So somewhere out there, there's just a set of four brass pineapple cups and the ether. They're in someone's house. Yeah, someone has them. Yeah, someone. No, trust me, you can go to my house and you'll see those cups. But I had those months before I got yours. David Hopping, would you come in please? Are you prepared to come in? This is interesting. By the time this goes out, this will be late August. This is for your 51st birthday. Okay, it makes more sense. Here you go. I'm going to want to you. Check it out and tell me if you think this was a good choice or not.

Oh, hi, David. Wow. These are great. David, when we never got, they said there was going to be an investigation. And then we never heard anything about it. I don't think there was just a Reaction yeah, all right. Well, we just got the refunds you got the refund exactly Could I have the refund as well? This is the refund we spent the refund on Did you yell at anyone? No, I got to avoid confrontation like I love oh good Okay, I would have called them yelled at someone I'm a confronting people. I know. I don't think why I'd confrontation like I love. Oh good, okay. I would have called him yelled at someone. I play confronting people.

I know. I don't think there's anything in there. I just think of it. Whoa. Whoa. Oh. Oh, wait a minute, babe. Whoa.

Now these are. Oh my god. I believe from the 19, these are old, holdin' and, uh. Now I can see you. Can't you see that being on the next Summer's Mores? That's so cute. Where's my present? Hey, I get one too.

No, there's four of them. Oh my God. There's, I love have you too. We just need to go like a cooking show. Yeah, yeah. These already have drinks in them, but delicate. Yeah, and they, I think these are going to look really good. They will match your house.

These are one because it's got a, they've got a real cool sort of little bit kitschy mid-century vibe, but actually think they're, he actually think they're handsome. Thank you very much. Sincerely. Sorry for the delay. No problem. There is an investigation and ongoing. Oh, I got to move paper out of the way.

Wow. That's something David should have paper out of the way. Wow. That's something David should have done, but I'll do it. I guess post-test to do everything. Oh, let me help. Just kidding. So there, problem rectified. And then, Sona, you had a big birthday recently.

Junking. And I'm getting you this, this is iced tea with no sugar in it. Oh. It was out in the kitchen. Oh, yay. And it's, you know what? It's no sugar in it. Oh. It was out in the kitchen. Oh, yay. And it's, you know what, it's room temp too. Yeah. Thank you so much for my lovely gift.

Cheers guys. Thank you. Cheers. Oh, no, that's so nice. That's so nice. Where's mine? Oh, there's mine. Here we go.

You can't cheers with an empty glass. Oh, yeah, we gotta get some. Yeah, you also can't walk in here a while. You need to get nice quantities of rum in here. Yeah. We have alcohol. What? Let's take a shot.

Yeah. You can take a shot in this glass. You can if you do a big enough. I'll be back. Are we gonna get fucked up? See ya, David. You're gonna fucked up. I will say to refresh you in the,

one of the children's episodes, you did tell David that he should yell. Oh, I did? Yeah, I was a big fan of he was. Not a killer. This is from experience. Sonia was the on point assistant for a long time doing all that kind of stuff and for years.

And I would hear her, because I am non-confrontational. I'm a master of passive aggression. Yeah, oh yeah. Okay, take a deep. We talked about this already. Yeah, but I don't let people have it like that. And you would dismantle people over the phone who had screwed something up.

Whoever the shipping company was would have paid for the new glasses. That's just what I would have probably ended up doing. Also, your Armenian uncle would have visited them. And that's all we'll say. That's all we're gonna say, right? You know what, maybe. That's what I would have been dangling in the air.

Yeah, it's okay though. Are we really getting alcohol? Are we really drinking? The corner said someone shoved garlic cloves into his nose and mouth and suffocated him. That's Uncle Brozzy's calling car. I know. Oh, it's Brozzy and Broated him. That's Uncle Rosie's calling card. I know. Oh, Strosy and Rosie.

What's up, Strosy, Rosie? You're my Strosy brother. Like God's mod, instead of a horse's head, there's just some really good hummus you wake up in the bed. Ha! Oh, you got Strosy bro. This is delicious. You got Strosy.

Don't Strosy me bro. Wait, what happened? I woke up and there was hummus in my bed. Was it delicious? Yes, strozy! Good thing I had some pita by the bed. Always keep pita by the bed. In case you get the These strozy death threat by the bed. In case you get the, the Strosy death threat. For the Armenian uncle. Um, wait, are we really waiting for alcohol to go? Yeah, yeah.

God, we are. And you know what, I just got back from a trip where I had lots of cocktails and I was, I'm going to go do a dry August, but I'll make an exception for this. Well, day two, he went one day. It's August 2nd. Oh, Jesus, what is that? She's fine with this. Well, day two. He went one day. It's August 2nd. Oh, Jesus. What is that? She's fine with this. Oh, this is what I wish. Whiskey. I'm good. Who brought this? Can you just put a Coke zero in mine? Yeah. Yeah. Someone brought that. I really, I can't have.

Was it Randall Park? Yes, it was Randall Park. Whatever happened to Randall Park and Warnham, that trail alone. Whatever happened to Jean and Rex, and Roy and Tex of Durango, kid. Oh, this is nice. I love it. This haven't been washed. Mm. Ooh. Ooh, 1952 dust.

Taste the Edsel. Dust that voted for Eisenhower. Mm. Oh, wow. It's wrapped up in so much paper. I don't know where that paper was. Did you wash these? You didn't wash these did you?

I don't know, we were gonna be drinking out of it. I took it out of the packaging. We just took glasses from the 1950s that were shipped to us from a hoarder, unwrapped them, poured liquid into them, and started drinking. Well, that's why you should put alcohol in it. No, exactly. You haven't lived till you've had in this bestest cocktail. Yeah.

There is. You gotta get some, get a little bit of whiskey in there. You can't? No, let's just say my dry August started before August. Oh my God. Shaves is chest, won't take a drink. Mm. That's real good.

That's really good. Boy, that's a good diet soda. I'm just gonna put a little more in there. There she goes. Wait, did you guys cheers? Oh yeah, cheers. Oh, shit, that's why we- That's why we filled it up in the trash.

Well, well, well, well, here we go. Cheers. Cheers, happy birthday, late. Cheers, chinching, chinching, saloon. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Daddy's milk. Wow, sweet pop is milk. It's a spicy birthday and late. Shoo-choo-choo! Saloon! Mmm-hmm-hmm. Daddy's milk. Wow. Sweet pop is milk.

Yum! Okay, that legally is a segment. Hahaha! Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, Executive Produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf.

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