Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Judy Greer

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

Actress Judy Greer feels very privileged to be Conan O’Brien’s friend. Judy sits down with Conan to discuss being late bloomers, onscreen intimacy with George Clooney, Judy's new scripted podcast ‘Self Center’, and trying to eat more candy. Plus, Conan bemoans the struggle of shopping for compression socks. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Judy Greer, and I feel very privileged to be Conan O'Brien's friend. Well, thank you, because it is a privilege for you. For me! Yeah, for you. And I get nothing out of this. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, lovely show today. I'm saying that just as an act of faith. Act of faith.

If you say it, then it will be so. It's something I've always believed. Okay. And I'm joined, as always, by my trusty companion, my assistant, Sona Movesesian. Hello, Sona. Hey, Conan. Or Tallinn, your middle name. Just say Sona.

Sona Movesesian. And if you see her on the street, say, hey, Tallinn. You guys are crazy. What is your middle name, Matt Gorley? You are Matt. James. Matt Eustaceous Gorley. No, no, no.

Matthew James Gorley. Matt Eustace. Hezekiah. Gorley. What is that? What do you got there? Is that the Shusher? That's a baby Shusher, yeah.

I have one. I have one. Two of those. What is that? It's just something you put next to your baby to try to get it to be quiet, and it just shifts them. And so it's shifting you. Why don't you just go, Shus, that's all it's doing.

It's doing what you could do. Because then you can just go out, you and your wife can go out and get food and leave this behind. Well, why don't you just leave, get like a Michelin tire, put an ice pick through it and let it hiss at your baby while you and your wife hit the bar scene. I don't understand why you need that thing. And that's not comforting. That's not...

That's... Yeah, there's a reason it's in here with me and not being used up. Yeah, we don't use it in your house. It's terrible. It looks like a salt and pepper shaker, but when you turn the knob, it makes your baby think that there's an asp in the bed with it, ready to strike at her jugular. That's terrible. Well, I think he was using it now for a different reason.

Yeah, I was. And it wasn't working. No. I can talk right through that. I don't need that. That's not... That wouldn't have worked in my house growing up. Let me tell you, six apes.

These Irish apes running around, smashing into each other. Red-headed orangutans. No, I was the only redhead, but I was a red-headed orangutan with five other apes, all of us smashing and crashing into each other in a confined space. My father, of course, always at the lab, he'd always say, wait, hi. Sure. The lab is a cocktail bar. Yeah, he didn't...

We didn't even... Trust me. Trust me. He's not even a doctor. He bought a white coat. He took a white coat off of an ice cream vendor and said he was a doctor and was just gone all the time. And my poor mother would just be trying to get us all to be quiet and just settle down

and nothing ever worked. You know what I'm picturing? You know that scene in Zoolander where they're jumping on the computer trying to open it up and they're just a bunch of monkeys? Yeah. I just picture six of those just running around, jumping on things and making weird grunting noises. Yeah.

No, it was... My mom did everything she could to get us to settle down and it didn't work. And once my mother and father, they never got to go out to dinner. First of all, in Boston in the 70s, I think there was one restaurant within 30 miles of our house and it was... Was it something like The Jolly Roger? Yeah, exactly. And it was this restaurant that my... it was Tony's Italian Villa and it was on...

It's not even a restaurant. And it was on Route 9. Tony's Italian Villa. It's his house. Tony's Italian Villa was on Route 9 and my poor folks, it was the one restaurant they could take us to and they could afford it because we'd all cram into one booth and it had one of those mini jukeboxes at the end of the table and one of those mini ones. Yeah.

That nothing says Italian restaurant like a mini jukebox. And my brother would always put whatever it was back then a nickel into it and play American Pie because the song lasted longer than any other song. So I was sitting there at Tony's Italian Villa, which by the way, had these terrible paintings on the wall of like the Parthenon and Anthony Quinn and Zach Galifianakis. All Greek. Yeah. Anything Greek.

Ducakis, Olympia Ducakis, Mount Ducakis and we'd sit there and you'd hear and I just associate them. They knew they served one thing, which was pizza, they'd bring us a pizza and we'd each get one soda. We were allowed one soda. We never got to drink soda because my dad's a doctor. We never got to drink soda except when we went to Tony's Italian Villa and we each got one soda and the nickel would go in, long, long time ago.

I can still remember and you'd be like, oh my God, here we go. This song goes on for nine minutes and Neil would say, yeah, but it's a nickel. Dad, did he want to get his nickel's worth? Yeah. That's why he just wanted as much. So every time it was like, it was Chevy to the levy and I didn't know what a levy was. And I remember, I'd sit there waiting for the pizza, which we always got and we'd each get our one Coke, which wasn't very much Coke.

It was a narrow glass and I'll never forget the time my brother Neil said, hey, I'll race you to see who can drink their Coke first. And I went, okay. And he said, go. And I just inhaled the Coke instantly and Neil didn't even take a sip. And my Coke for not just the week, maybe the month was gone and Neil was just laughing at me with his big donkey laugh. He was like, and then I heard, drove my Chevy to the levy.

And then a guy would come over and be like, you want your pizza pie? You're like, can you at least pretend to be Italian? This story is so depressing. It really is. Guess what? I still, whenever I go back and see my parents, I always, if I, if I'm driving in, you know, from anywhere and I'm driving on route nine, I pass the building that used to be Tony's Italian villa because it's long gone.

A long, long time ago, I can still remember when Olympia Ducakis was on the wall. And the three men I admired most, the father, the son, and the garlic toast. They looked a bit in dim light like Donnie Most. The day the pizza pie, do you want to leave? Yeah, I have to go. I wanted you guys to understand my childhood, but I think we've done enough of that today. Let's, let's get the show started. Shall we?

Yeah. My guest today is, of course, an actress who's appeared in such movies and shows as 13 going on 30, Jurassic World, Ant-Man, and Arrested Development. Now she's starring in Tim Coco's newest scripted podcast, Self-Center, which is available now on Audible. I love her. I'm thrilled she's with us today. Judy Greer, welcome.

People ask me, you know, who's coming on the podcast and I'll tell them, oh, it's this person, it's that person I'm going in today. So starting about two days ago, people were asking me, who are you talking to this week? And I would list the people I'm talking to and then I would get to you. And it's the same response every time, oh, I love Judy Greer. Oh, I love Judy Greer. Were you talking about Richard Kynes? It was Richard Kynes and it took me a while to realize each person I'm talking to was

Richard Kynes and he was swapping out wigs and stuff and he kept going to great effort to pass me again on the street as a different character and an old lady. But no, people are gaga for you across the board and then my wife talks to me as little as possible and then this morning I'm headed out and she said, well, yeah, and I said, well, I'm going to go talk to Judy Greer. She said, oh my God, Judy Greer, she's my favorite person to me, the person she married. And I started to feel like shit. And then she says to say hi because you were so lovely to her when she met you years ago.

And so point of the podcast today in my, my mission is to take you down a fix. Let's begin. Chip away at this hole. It won't take long. Oh, no, it will not. It will not. I've got some really good dirt on you. Oh, yeah.

You dined and dashed in 1989. Did you know? Yeah. Yes. At a Fudd Rockers. In Dearborn, Michigan. Yes, you did. But then you returned days later and paid 10 times what you had dined and dashed on.

So that kind of ruins my gotcha moment. No, I was trying to think about because you came on The Late Night Show many times and every time you were on the show, people were, I mean, audiences really happy to see you, me and staff. I love Judy Greer. I mean, going like, okay, I think I helped during the interview. I elevated her and they're like, well, no, I was there anyway. So was Andy to be fair and he was, Andy Richter was there and of course, and then people would

say Andy actually contributed more than you. And then people would say, you seem kind of sour during part of it. And I've looked at the tape and I really didn't help you. It was all you. I go back over those tapes over and over and over again, but therapy, but I've thought about what is it about Judy, because there's something that I relate to so quickly with you. And I was, you know, doing my research and reading interviews with you in the past.

And then I saw that several times you've mentioned that you were a late bloomer. And I thought, my God, that might be part of the key. I was a late bloomer. I'm, I think, still about to bloom. I'm waiting for it myself. America's waiting for me to bloom. My testicles dropped during Obama's second term. Oh, congratulations.

I have to be honest with you. Yeah, a little bit, a little bit too much information. It was audible. You could hear it. Mine are still up there, but that's okay. But I was thinking, I was thinking. I do relate and you're, you're so naturally funny and you're always yourself. And I thought, does that come from, sometimes I have this theory that not quite knowing

who you are at an early age may help. Is that possible? I'd like to think so. Yeah. I mean, well, I think finding out that you can make people laugh if you can't get anything else out of them is like a trick when you're young and you're like, okay, I'm not that hot girl and I'm not that good at sports and I'm not this, but like I can make people laugh and I can like ride on that until like I grow boobs.

So I said all those same things and the boobs never came and then they had to explain to me that no, you don't get those. I know. I wore a training bra through most of the George W. Bush administration, I timed things by administration. I can tell. I'm trying to remember which administration it was when my mom took me to shop for my first bra and she asked the sales lady if they had any inverted bras in this section.

Oh my God. I was like, what? Inverted. Yes. Meaning there's such an absence of breast, it's you're going in. Yes. I was like so mortified. Was that a joke or did she really think there was an inverted bra?

It was a joke. Oh, good. But it was kind of mean, don't you think? Kind of. It is mean. It's very mean. Wait, when was Reagan not, what was his last, I'm trying to think of when that would have been.

Well, Reagan of course would be 1980 to 88. 80 to 89. Technically 89. Yeah. I think it was, so then to just keep on with the administrations, it would have been during the Reagan administration that this happened, if you're taking notes. I am. I'm monitoring all of this.

I committed my first murder during the Carter administration. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry, the victim will not be missed. Trust me. Pretty much a drifter. Just wanted to see what it felt like.

I landed it, feel good. Felt so amazing just once in a life, just leave this person. Why don't you and I, instead of me interviewing other people ever again, why don't you and I just always talk because it's already that much fun. No, but, well, it's funny because just before we got on mic, I was talking about how I'm about to go to Boston to visit my parents and you were asking me about Boston. I said, well, it's kind of nice when you go home to Boston because everyone in Boston knows I'm from there, so I get a little bit of extra street cred when I'm in Boston and

people are like, oh, yeah, Conan, and it feels nice. And you said that you have a similar experience, but not when you go to a city. When I go to a gay bar, I called it my soap dish moment, if anyone knows that scene in that film. Explain, please. Yeah, so Sally Field is a soap opera star and she's, I mean, my memory of it is that she's like not feeling so good about herself, so she goes to the mall and has her assistant scream, oh my God, is that so and so?

I forgot her character's name and then everyone's like, yeah, then she signs a bunch of autographs and she feels really good about herself. So yeah, I imagine that's like you in Boston, is that you make your mom scream like, oh my God, is that Conan O'Brien so that you can sign a bunch of autographs and feel really good about yourself? Actually, my assistant is here, Sona, and always makes me do that. And you're never that convincing, Sona. You always, first of all, I probably wrote you a bad script because I always say, look,

it's a television chat show legend, Conan O'Brien. Yes, and it doesn't help that I mispronounce your name all the time. Yeah, several times you said it's Conrad O'Brien. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then you yell, Conan O'Brien, I'm famous. Yeah, and then, by then, you've wandered away. She's distracted by the Foot Locker, I have started telling people I'm famous and it has been really freeing for me when people know that they know me, but they don't know what they know me from.

I like to just say, I'm famous. The worst thing in the world is, how do I know you? You seem famous, but I don't know who you are. And then they put you in this terrible position of having to, no, so lady, lady, lady, explain to me, explain to me, tell me. And then you have to go, oh, well, okay, do you own a television? Yes, are you more of a movie buff, or do you just like the commercials? Do you have young kids that watch Netflix?

Are you, let's see, judging by your outfit, you love a romantic comedy, you still think there's the one out there, so maybe it's the wedding planner. I don't know. I had this at a dinner party, there was six people at the dinner party and one couple showed up late and the guy was like, I know you, what do I know you from? And I was like, we're like, this is a friend's birthday. It was the weirdest thing and then, yeah. And I actually wrote a book called, I don't know what you know me from, Confessions of

a Co-Star. And what I love is when I go and get a new job and I go on set, often people, I like to say my sweet spot is three to seven on the call sheet and if you don't know, the call sheet is in like hierarchy. Number one is the star of the movie. Not me. Yes. Number two is boning the star of the movie in the movie, in the movie, not in RL.

And then number three through seven, sometimes in RL, sometimes they do, but then three through seven is like where you get like the, like, I love you, why do I love you? What are you in? That's our life. But our life is great. Can I say one thing, though, to put this in perspective for you, Judy, you're at least on the movie call sheet. I am not in movies.

No one wants me in movies. Are you sure? Oh, I am. Have you even played yourself in a movie? That counts. I did. I played myself in a couple of movies, brief cameos, but it's all when the character has like a love of you, likes Conan O'Brien or something, and then there needs to be a

quick shot of me at the end, giving the thumbs up, or they... And then you record it like after you tape your shows that day. Yes. I know. And then, and then, and that's it. And so what I'm saying is you should count your blessings because you're in movies. And also you've been, I mean, come on, you had a famous, well-known romantic scene with a Mr. George Clooney who...

I totally did. Yeah. I did. I also won, and I don't know, maybe you're going to bring this up later and I don't want to jump to it now. No, you can jump anywhere you want. I won an award at the Denver Film Festival. This was about 11 years ago.

I would have been in my 30s. I won a Lifetime Achievement Award at the... It's always good to get a Lifetime Achievement Award when you're at the 30s. I was like, who dropped out? Or what do they know about your lifespan? Yeah. Exactly. They know in Denver that we don't know here.

Judy, we got your blood test, and we're giving you a Lifetime Achievement Award. Yeah. Quickly. We want to be the ones to do it. What was it for? Just like Time Achievement Award for everything you've done up to that point? I think, I guess. I don't know.

Yeah. Well, I was doing press for a movie, and so then there's all these weird things that pop up when you're doing press for a movie, like, oh, they want to give you this Lifetime Achievement Award, or they want to have you at this restaurant opening or something, like press stuff. So they arranged for this thing for me to go out, and the reason I bring it up is because they were like, we're going to cut together a little, like, some minutes of some scenes that you were in, and they cut together way too long of a reel of my scenes, and my scene

with George Clooney was in it, and I was like, this is not appropriate to show, I felt like. Because it was highly sexual. Because it was like having sex times. Yeah. Yeah. Having sex times or sexy times. Sexy times. That's the thing I can't wrap my mind around.

Sex. You got it. You were very good slash terrible. Sorry. Yes, you're right. I really can't wrap my mind around it, and I'm happy to take a call in right now. But it is true, I cannot wrap my mind around it still. But I will say, when I was talking about how I'll never be on a call sheet, I don't understand

the whole concept of doing that in front of cameras, and I've never understood it. And the idea that you would show up, and I don't even know if you knew George Clooney or anything, but they say, okay, you've got the part now, come into this room, and they open a door. I mean, I don't understand how you get to that place. I don't either. That was like very early in my career too, and it was so uncomfortable. And in that particular job, someone had fallen out of that role, and I got this phone call

at 8 p.m. the night before, and they were like, they're going to- This is for Three Kings. Yes, for Three Kings. Yeah. I'm like, just basically, I just moved to LA. I get this phone call, and they're like, there's a movie, and they lost one of their actors, and they want to fly you out to Arizona to audition for the director at 7 in the morning, tomorrow morning.

And I was like, okay, I'll do it. Of course. So I do my audition, and there's like three other girls there, and we're waiting in the lobby to get back in a van to drive back to the airport, and they're like, oh, Judy, can we talk to you for a second? And it was the assistant to David O'Russell, the director, and he brings me over, and he's like, you got the part, but I don't know what to do. I can't really send you back in the van with everyone.

So I just went to the bathroom and hid, and then I come out of the bathroom after the van leaves, and he's like, okay, so we're going to take you into a rehearse now. Like I just found out I got the part. This is two minutes later. They take me into a hotel room. And you're new at this. Pretty- I'm so new at this.

Like I don't know anything. They bring me in this hotel room to rehearse, and there's George Clooney, and he's in the bathroom, and I go in the bathroom with him so that we can pretend that we're doing the sex thing where Nora Dunn walks in on us, and it was just like, this all happened within like eight minutes, and I was losing my mind. And I'd also like to point out something that you and I know, but most people listening don't know, is that in real life, George Clooney's a very hideous man. He wears so many prosthetics and movies.

And people don't understand that he's not truly attractive, and he's not very nice, and he's not very funny, and he doesn't actually play pranks. None-no-no. Those are all of his assistants that do those pranks. Yes. There's been this whole myth out there that he's like this good-looking A-lister. Like good guy. Yeah.

He's this very small, gnarled, very old man, and has an odor, and then they work for hours to get him into the Clooney phase so that they can shoot. And so, obviously, we're meeting the Clooney that you and I know. It was a little disappointing, I'm not going to lie, and he was just like hunched over sitting on the edge of a holiday in bathtub like, hey, and he's like, hey, let's do this. You want to read the scene one? That's just how he talks in real life. And then you went from that sex scene to, I think, your next intimate scene was with

Gary. Yeah. Gary Shandling. Yeah. For his movie. Yes. That was a Mike Nichols movie called, What Planet Are You From? And I had literally gone from a sex scene with George Clooney, who is gross, but whatever,

to one of the hottest men in Hollywood, like Gary Shandling do, anyway. So I go to this set with Gary, and Gary's very nervous, and I'm very nervous, but he's so nervous that I'm like, okay, I can't be nervous because Gary's very nervous. And so he's like, I don't know, this is so crazy. I'm like, I know it's weird, and we're just going to, like the better we do it and the faster we do it, the faster it'll be over. So let's just like. That's just what my wife said.

I got that from her. Anyways, so he's like, have you ever done this before? And I was like, yeah, I actually just did it in another movie, and it was not a big deal. Don't even worry about it. And he was like, well, who was your other scene with? And I was like, it was with George Clooney, and he was like, no, I'm not doing this. I am not doing this scene now.

I refuse to be the person after George Clooney. It's so great because I was friendly with Gary, knew him well, and loved him. And I can just see him hearing that information and being so funny and also funny because some of it's true. But he really is shutting down because it's George Clooney. I also had a scene in that movie where I had to slap him across the face and I don't like violence, but the first take, I kind of, you know, just barely hit him. And my nickels was like, okay, kid, you gotta, you gotta really hit him.

And I was like, okay. And I said, are you sure Gary? It's okay if I really hit you. And he was like, yeah, I'm whatever. Anyway, I hit him so hard across the face and he's like clutching his face and he looks really alarmed and that was real. I have to say what I've learned in comedy is if they don't really hit you, it's not funny. We had Sophie Turner on from Game of Thrones and she wanted to demonstrate this thing that

she can do where you, I think it was, I take a shot of something and then she's supposed to slap me and just before we go out to do the interview, she said, well, I, in her lovely British little thing voice, I won't really hit you that hard in the face. And I said, Sophie, for it to work and be funny, you really have to unload thinking I can handle it. And the clips out there online, but I do a shot. She's a very tall, strong woman and she hits me and you can see that I momentarily, I am and the crowd loves it and my, my ear is ringing and then she immediately gives me a hug because

she can tell, oh, I saw a little bit of brain come out of his ear, but it was, it's just true. I didn't regret telling her that. I kind of regret it, I still can't hear out of that ear, but, but it was funny. And I'll, you know, if it's gonna, if you want it to work, it has to really be. You have to really hit. Yeah. I mean, especially something like that, like a slap across the face, you can't like totally

fake that. No, no. So later when I have to hit you, Conan, when it's time, someone say anyone listening is happy with you striking me at any time. We got it. We have a lot of hate listeners. We found out that 70% of our listeners just are like, oh man, one day someone's gonna fuck that guy up.

I'm gonna be here for it. I'm gonna listen to every ad and buy every product as long as that guy gets his ass handed to him, then I'm happy. You know, it's funny because I was thinking about, you know, you're very self deprecating about the fact that you're not the first three or four people on the, on the call sheet usually that you're the friend. And I was thinking, I find, first of all, you're always magnificent and you've carved out such a nice place for yourself.

I think there are downsides to being number one on the call sheet. Yeah, for sure. Which is why I've always chosen to just, you went on a different path. I went on a different path, which was all my choosing. There's always downsides. I mean, I remember shooting Ant-Man. We were in San Francisco and Paul Reds, obviously Ant-Man and one of the crew members and we were setting up a shot was like, so Paul, like, where have you been out to eat?

Like, what have you been doing since you've been in San Francisco and Paul's like, nothing. I can't ever do anything because I'm always here. Like, of course it's Paul, so he was really sweet about it, but he was like, we looked at each other like, what do they think we do when like, I, when you're three to seven, you can like totally go to a show. You can take in some of the new restaurants, maybe like, work out like when you're one and two, like you don't get to wander around. I do remember all the years that I was hosting a late night show, all those 28 years when

we would, I couldn't leave my office and then we were down at rehearsal. I couldn't leave my desk and they would bring, you know, Sonia would bring me my lunch like down at the talk show desk and I'd be eating it while we were trying to figure things out. And then other people would wander in and went, yeah, I just went to bed bath and beyond and because I don't have a sketch on today or Andy would come in and say, yeah, I just had acupuncture. I also had a lung resected and I just did and you know, I would present sometimes it's like, and they'd be like, well, you want your own show to be like, I know, dad, you don't

have to remind me, but it is, I could see one of my dreams always has been to one day if I could get a role in a Broadway show where, and it's very specific what I want to do. I want to come out, I'm not the star, I'm not the costar, I'm not even one of the first five people, but I show up at one point in the show, I have not that much to do, but I kill, it's a part that's written perfectly for me, I kill, people love it, and then I leave, and so that's it, and then all day long, I'm biking in Central Park, I'm meeting my wife, we're having wine with lunch, then it's time for my nap, then a little facial surgery.

Your sweet spot would be like halfway through, like after the intermission, halfway through, you kill it, you go upstairs, you like have a drink, post something on the socials, come down and bow, and then go out for drinks with your friends. Well, I've talked to, I actually mentioned this because I got to know Lin Manuel Miranda a little bit, and he's been on the podcast, and he's such a funny, wonderful, super creative, great person to know, so I mentioned to him once, look, my dream role is the king, playing the king in Hamilton, because, and of course, Jonathan Groff nailed it, he comes out, and he's spectacular, I mean, I'm no Jonathan Groff, but he came out and he nailed it, and

I remember talking to him, I went backstage, and I'm talking to people, and then I went right up to Jonathan Groff, and I went, you're so funny, and you get to come out, you just get to kill, I so want to do that, and he was sort of looking at me like, yeah, I could see why you'd want to do this part that I have, that you don't have, but I would deck out my dressing room to make it incredibly comfortable, I'd make them buy me one of those crazy expensive massage chairs, and I'd have all these smoothie, things that make smoothies, and I'd have like, you've got to get me all kinds of cable hookups, and then a Sona, you'd be having to run out and get me, today I feel like having a little dog in my dressing room,

but it's not really my little dog, I just... Can we get a second assistant? Yes, we can have a second assistant. You get your own assistant, I think you should also redecorate every couple of weeks. Yes. Just to keep it fresh for visitors. Right, and the play is actually doing very well, but it's losing money because the asshole who comes out for eight minutes late in the first act is blowing all the money.

But no, I was thinking that you have done an incredible job of inhabiting all these different spaces, you're not just the self, you do comedy, and you do it so well, but you also have been in horror, and serious drama, you inhabit all these different spaces and you've done an amazing job of, you can't be pigeonholed, I don't know if that was conscious that you did that. No, it wasn't, I just love working and making money, and so I don't... You're awful, I don't do any of this money, I just, I hate that they give me money for this.

I just keep going where I just keep trying different things, and it's been... I never knew I was doing something smart, but it's only been within the last couple of years I realized, oh yeah, I've hit all the different genres, demographics, I'm actively trying to do that because it's fun, because it's more fun to do something completely different than to just keep doing the same thing all the time. And I think that even though I've had tons of success in certain jobs, in certain jobs not as much, but that's why I get to go and keep doing, I'm about to start a straight up comedy, which I realized, I haven't done that in so long.

I've done these dark comedies, I was crying a lot, I told my husband a few years ago we were driving to our TSA pre-interview, how you have to, and I was like, I'm sick of crying all the time. I'm not crying in movies and TV shows, and I don't want to cry anymore, and he's like, well, then don't, I don't know, anyway, we do our TSA pre-interview and we're done, and we stand up, and the lady's like, you look so familiar, and I was like, oh yeah, I'm an actor, and she goes, yeah, I see your face crying, and I was like, I literally was like... What the hell, what was she like listening into our conversation in the car somehow?

It's like TSA, like that dialed in, but this is a new straight up comedy, which I'm excited about. If I could cry on command, I would use that all the time. It's great. To get out of pain, like I eat the whole pizza, but then when they come to give me the bill, be crying, and go, I ate the pizza, made me sad. It's okay, you don't have to pay. You think they're not going to make you pay for a pizza because it made you sad?

Are you saying that I live in some kind of bubble and don't understand how people are in restaurants? I think they would say, we're so bereft that we made Conan O'Brien sad, we think this pizza should be on us. That's exactly what I think. That's how pizza places work. You're right. I was wrong.

You do know how restaurants are. Yeah, I don't live in a bubble. I'm not one of those guys. I mean, if that was the case, no one would pay at Taco Bell or McDonald's. I feel like half of the people are sitting by themselves crying, eating that food. I know I do. I'd like to point out that Taco Bell is a sponsor. I'd also like to point out I love Taco Bell.

Oh my God. I mean, yeah. Also, Sona has tried that scam at Taco Bell, but she loves Taco Bell so much that she'll go there and she'll have, what do you like to have at Taco Bell, Sona? I like to have like four or five tacos. Yeah, just four or five tacos. And she eats them standing up. Yeah, just a hard shell taco.

She won't sit down. She stands up in the parking lot and eats them. But then she's probably, if Sona, if you tried to cry and say, I didn't really like it, you'd probably immediately cut yourself off and say, I'm sorry, that was the greatest four minutes of my life. Tears of joy. Tears of joy. Tears of joy.

Yeah, I want to give them more money. I don't want a free meal. What's your Taco Bell? Mine's the one on Vine. My Taco Bell. There's one in Pasadena that I go to. Mine's in Colorado. In Eagle Rock.

Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant in Colorado. I know. It is. Oh. Yeah. The mile high one. Mine is in Guam.

I have a C37 transport plane. It's got the Conan logo on it. And routinely I'm like, fire it up. Is it one of those planes where you strap yourself into the wall of the inside of the plane? Exactly. Yeah. And there's lots of extra room for cargo. And so I always, that's how we bring a lot of provisions to Guam while we're there.

And then I just go to the Taco Bell. Wow. Well, you know, I want to talk about one friend we have in common because you did this movie. Jesus? Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the carpenter. Now, I didn't realize you and I were going to get into this on the air. But we met at church and we see each other at church four times a day. And then I take your confession and you take my confession.

And by church, he means Taco Bell. Taco Bell is our church. You did this movie, 13 Going on 30, which is a beloved movie. And it's funny because you did it with Jennifer Garner and then you guys became really good friends in real life. And what's interesting is your character is not that nice to her character in the movie. And I could see people being confused just because people get so invested in a good movie and that is a beloved movie. I could see people getting... And Jennifer Garner, people really do like Jennifer Garner and they should.

She is a lovely, lovely person. She's perfect. And, you know, perfect. She's perfect, Conan. She kind of is. She really is. I see her a lot. We live adjacent and our kids attend school together.

And she is a remarkable person. She really is a great person in so many ways and so classy and so elegant. And then I would think, I'm sure there are people that don't like you just because they think you were mean to Jennifer Garner. Yes, less lately. But when the movie first came out for like the first two years of that movie being out, people were like, you're mean. You're a bitch. Like, I'm like, you know, it's a movie, right? And we're angry with me for being mean to America's beloved Jennifer Garner.

Yeah, yeah. So they can suck it because we're still friends. So clearly I'm tricking everyone or I'm actually nice to her. It's so funny because it is something that one of the greatest comedians of all time, this guy, Jack Benny. Thank you, me. Jack Benny, a great radio comedian and television comedian. Just, you know, probably one of the premier comedians of the 20th century. And his shtick was that he was cheap.

His shtick was that and he was really good at it. It was really good. That was kind of his shtick is that he didn't want to part with his money. And then I saw one of the last interviews he did before he passed away. And I think he knew he was not going to live much longer. He was really important for him in the interview to be telling people just so that people understand. I really, I think I am a generous person. I am.

He was always, always made me kind of feel bad because, but he was so good at committing to it. Obviously you've played so many different people and you're really loved, but it does make me kind of feel for people who in the old Hollywood system, you know, in the studio system, there were people whose whole job was to play one kind of role and they were brought in and they could do that for 30 years. And the job was to be, you're the nosy neighbor who's, who's just nasty and you have a mean face. Yeah. And that they'd say like, great. And they could be the loveliest person in the world, but everyone probably thought, get out of my restaurant.

I don't want you in here. I don't care how hard you cry. Yeah. You are not getting free. I wonder about that with soap opera actors who like play this literally the same role on a soap opera for years and years and years and years and years and years. Like, do you turn into that person? Are you that person? Right.

I don't know how you maintain that. Yes. If you're in a soap opera and that's your job and you're an actor and you're in a soap opera, do you then go home and walk in and pour yourself a drink that's at a little table right by the door of brown liquor and sip it as your wife says, what's, you know, how come you don't, we haven't made love in months and then you just turn around and you have a scheme. Yeah. Can you only speak to people when your back is to them so that you can both be in the shot? My friend is on Young and the Restless and I swear they work harder than anyone else in the business.

Oh my God, yeah. Like they have to do 30 pages of dialogue a day, probably more sometimes. One time I was telling her, I met up with friends after my job and I was saying like, oh, work was good today. Like, I just couldn't get this scene and I felt bad. I had to ask for more takes and she was just like, you can ask for more takes. I was like, you can't. She's like, no, we do it once and then we move on. And she's like, maybe sometimes I can get, I don't know. I was just like, I probably also shouldn't have said she was on Young and the Restless.

But anyway, Missy Clary and she's the best. But anyway, I was just like, whoa, and I realized like, that is such a hard work. That's unbelievable. And they don't even have assigned parking. That's the worst part. It's not going to have assigned parking. I won't do anything. Do you know what I mean?

If they said, if right now, and I know this probably can't happen because I'm not a British citizen, but let's say the Queen of England said, I want to knight Conan O'Brien. First time we've ever knighted someone who's an American citizen and he needs to fly over here. And just, and I say, okay, what's involved. And they say we're sending you a jet and a car is going to pick you up. And then you could just, and then you'll, you can't take the car in, but just take your own car to this part. And then when you get to Buckingham Palace, try and find a spot. I'm out.

I'm out. Like level two or higher. Yeah, exactly. I'm out. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm like, fuck you and your knighthood. I don't need this shit. You think I'm going to be driving around on the left side of the road looking for a parking space just so I get your knighthood?

No, assigned parking. No, I want my own spot. And I want to tell my name on it. Yeah. And I don't want it to be like just written on a piece of paper. Right. Come on. Engraved.

Engraved. With gold. Yeah. Parking is a big deal. Real gold. That's to be real gold. For that one hour. Look, anyone listening who thinks that maybe we're misbehaving, you don't understand.

We're entitled to this. And in my opinion, this is the least that Judy Greer and Conor Bryant deserve. The very least. You're lucky we cut it off here. Okay. But I did one. I'm so thrilled because I get to mention that you're doing a project with me because as anyone listening right now knows, Conan loves Judy Greer passionately.

And it's a little creepy. Sorry. You get to slap me soon. But I was really excited because we were developing this scripted podcast for Audible and self-center. And we really love this script. And then I heard that you might be interested in doing it. And you are so good in this role. And I was thinking about this.

Well, no. When someone's complimenting me, I never tell them to wrap it up. I know. You and I are a little different. Anyway, I'm really thrilled that you're doing it. And I was telling you today that one of the things I love is it's a different kind of acting, I would imagine, because it's audio only. We don't see you.

But I feel like I've been listening to it in my car. Like you are present in my car. Thank you. I actually am. Well, then I found you in the back seat. Just there. You're there a lot. I put a blanket over myself.

Which never works, by the way. Can I just put that out there? If you're in the back of someone's car and you just pull a blanket over yourself, they'll find you. They will. You haven't yet. Maybe I don't want to find you, gorely. Maybe I know you're there. I just don't want to get into the hole.

Then we have to have a conversation. Maybe you just want me to stay. No, that's sweet and wrong. No, it's called self-center and it's a really cool idea. I like it and I love you in it. Thank you. I read it and I was like three pages in and was laughing hysterically and wanted more than anything to do it.

So funny. It was written by Matthew Chauncey. We'll develop by him their other writers too and I'm not going to say their names because I don't know them off the top of my head. Sorry, other writers. Let's make them up. I think Chaz Binkley did an amazing job. I think Sarah Dabadou really brought it.

Ned Schneebley was incredible. Brought that Schneebley magic that you always want. No, it was really funny to me. It was about stuff that my girlfriends and I talk about all the time. I don't even want to say her name, but she was a famous actress who now has a very famous website and sells a lot of things on it and it starts with the G and ends with a P and I thought we were poking some good fun at that world, not just her, but that world. That world of you can be your best self by buying these products.

Spending a good jillion dollars on things and I get sucked into it on the daily. I'm a victim of it too, but I thought it was just so funny and well written. I realized a genre that I didn't really know is horror comedy, which now I'm obsessed with and I love and I've been reading a lot of them lately. Anyway, I was really excited to do it and it was great because no one wants to talk about COVID probably, but we recorded this about a year ago, so we were like halfway into the first year of this pandemic and the election and just everything was exploding and everything was terrible and I wasn't working and I just was like in such a, as we all probably were,

dark place and then I get the script to do and perform and it was like just the sunshine out after like a horrible winter and I just was like, I got to go to work and record this and we laughed so hard every day, all day and I just wish it would have gone on for longer because it was exactly what I needed at the time and kind of again, it was awesome to do. In the story of the person who plays this guru, this self-help guru for self empowerment is Kim Cattrall who does a really good job of inhabiting and you hear her and you go like, she's doing a takeoff on this kind of person, but it really does work. It's really fun.

Yeah. And like I got to see her face on Zoom while we were recording, so that was like a highlight of my life. Now, how are you doing with the whole Zoom of it all? I don't know. I miss people. Like it's so nice to be here in this room with you. It's just different.

Oh, because I'm just people, like anyone here. That's pretty much what I took away from that. I just miss people. I just miss like literally anyone. I mean, honest to God, anyone on the street I would have sat with today. You signed up and you accepted. They called and said it's a podcast and you said, as long as I'm talking, as long as there's a warm body, you said, I'll do it.

I know it's Cohen and it's podcast, but do I have to talk to him? Like it could be anyone. Literally. A lot of people say that. I'll do it, but does Conan have to be part of Conan's podcast? Is he really there? Or just like a name? I don't know.

Conan owns it. He has a two percent interest. Two? Yeah. I have a terrible, terrible business manager. I want to have to meet my lawyer because I think you can get like terrible. At least four or five. No, I'm a sign spinner when I'm not doing this.

I'm a Verizon or subway because I think I've seen you subway. That's me. I love subway. I really spin hard when you do. Are you a subway person? I like subway. And by the way, we're not getting any money from them. So I do love subway.

I have reembraced fast food and candy during the pandemic. Yes. Yeah. I was early on. Yes. I love subway because I don't eat meat and you can always like get like a healthy fast food option at subway. And I'm not paid by them either.

But then candy, I got like really into because I was waiting in line with a thousand masks on and gloves once during early on in the pandemic and like doing my grocery shopping. And I was looking down at the Skittles in the checkout lane. And I was like, I remember when I was little, I like screamed at my parents, like when I'm grown up, I'm in the eat as much candy as I want. I'm going to eat candy all day long and you won't be able to stop me. And I was like, why don't I eat more candy? Like candy is awesome and we're all going to die.

And I'm like, I'm breaking that promise that that little girl made. You're, this is an important breakthrough for you. So how many Skittles have you been eating? I eat Skittles all day. I mean, I was eating them. When you cry in a scene, is it you have multi-colored tears? I taste the rainbow on the daily. Let me just tell you what.

I am not afraid of a bag of Skittles. In fact, at my last job, the camera guys were hiding them like in my props and stuff. Like because I was, I've gone way to the other side where I feel like I might need to cut back. But yeah, you have a terrible addiction. It may destroy you and destroy the lives of everyone around you. I always like to end on that note. Thanks for having me. There's no escaping. Once Skittles have you in their grip, you're a lost cause.

We're cycling right into an episode of intervention. There's a few friends in here that want to talk to you. Yeah, George Clooney's outside. He couldn't get in because people don't know it's George Clooney. I have no idea. He didn't bring his prosthetics and people were like, what a horrible little homunculus. Come on, I'm telling you, I'm Clooney. I'm Clooney, let me in. I'm going to do an intervention.

Judy Greer. I just didn't bring my pads in my face. God, feel sorry for him. Well, this is not work. I have to tell you that much right now. I said today like, well, gotta go to work. And then I realized I'm going to be in a relatively small room with Judy Greer. And who, by the way, you're in addition to being lovely and very attractive and talented. You are one of the quickest comedic improvisers I've come across. Seriously, like, you're just so always, you're so fast and so naturally funny.

And you're always right there with it. And I'm just, I thought, oh wait, I just said I'm headed to work. But that's like, I'm the Skittles Taster at the Skittles Factory saying I have to go to work. Well, someone's got to do it. I guess I'll eat the God made Skittles in the most comfortable chair. But no, you are an absolute delight. And that's all I got to say on that subject. I know you have a lot of detractors out there.

There are a lot of haters. And I get it, trust me. I was until about five minutes ago. Wow, that far into the interview. Oh yeah, I wasn't having it. Turn the corner when you got to the whole Skittles thing, because you had me then. Another thing we have in common. I hope you enjoy your time in Boston and that you're well appreciated there.

Well, Sona has called ahead and she's hired people to recognize me and make a big deal out of me. And we hired someone to pretend to be paparazzi. Oh, smart. I haven't done that yet. Oh, it's the best. The big problem is I cheaped out. I hired a fake paparazzi guy, but I didn't want to pay for like an expensive camera. So I got him one of those cardboard Kodak ones.

Oh, fun. So he's retreating in front of me and I'm like saying, leave me alone, leave me alone. And he's taking one click, then winding, then clicking and everyone knew right away. Well, maybe I wonder, let's see, what about like an old school, one of those big video cameras. And then you could grab it and smash it on the ground. Smash it. And like have like a Sean Penn moment. Yes, that's what I want to do.

I think you could be a little bit more dangerous with your hired paparazzi. You think, I think in general, I don't. In general, I think I need to exude more danger. I do too for sure. I'm going to start being way more dangerous. I've decided right this time. No one who says it like that. You don't believe me?

I do legitimately think that I don't come across as like a threat to anybody. Yeah. Get behind me. When I go on meetings, like general meetings with like directors or producers, like, so what do you want to do that you haven't done? I was like, well, I'd love to be in like an action movie. And they're like, yeah. I could run from someone or chase someone.

You could run. You could definitely run from someone. But if you chase someone and then they ran because they were afraid if you're catching them, no one's going to buy into that. It hurts. All right. And that's the problem too. I have that too. I don't come across as like, I'm not a sexual threat.

Oh, you are in a way in that you threaten sexuality. I threaten the concept of sexuality with my presence. My presence threatens the entire concept of sexuality. A mood killer. You threaten. Oh, yeah. You threaten sex in that you threaten to squash. Yeah. No babies were ever conceived during any episode of any of my late night shows.

They noted that was, that's just a fact. That probably is not true. And that would be an interesting thing to know. Maybe. Well, I don't see how we can record that, but I'm going to spend a lot of time and a lot of money looking into it. Lots of money. And those are going to be some creepy phone calls.

Hello. Yeah. Did you watch late night with Conan O'Brien in the night? You did. Okay. Okay. I'm Conan. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Right. Okay. No, I did get old. No, I'm just curious. You sure you have sex? During? What?

During? Hello? What? I don't think you do it that way. No. I feel like it could be a reality show where you ask people, no way. I need to workshop this a little bit more. Like you ask people of like, if anyone wants to come on and you could like test maybe like

the age of their child and what. Yes. Yes. If the child. We can narrow it down then. Right. But I think people would know if they conceived while your show was on. This is how self-centered I am.

If someone was having sex while my show was playing, I would be offended that they weren't paying attention to me. Right. I know. That's true. Never mind. We don't want to know. If Pam and Tommy Lee in the back, if while they were going at it and they recorded it

on a video tape from the background, you could see that late night with Conan O'Brien was on. I would sue. I would sue. I would say, I know you both have amazing bodies and you were going at it, but come on. This might be your next cameo in another movie though. I'm just saying.

Now that we're trying to get you on that call sheet. Oh man. Well, here's what I want to pitch. I want to pitch like every third episode of my podcast is with Judy Greer and that you shut down everything else for doing and please do this because you are, you are just fantastic. You are fantastic. Thank you so much for doing it. You're just.

The baby laugh and I was sobbing an hour ago. Were you really? No. Damn it. You pulled me in. But I will in one hour. Right. I actually was getting acupuncture for real.

Really? Yeah. And that's going to make you cry in an hour. It's going to make me sleep really well tonight. She said. Okay. I had acupuncture once and it was amazing and the woman was fantastic. And when it was done, I said, this is fantastic.

I really love this. I'd like to do this again. And she said, you're my last client on my last day that I'm ever doing this. And it wasn't because of me. I know that you're all thinking that she literally, she was great. And she said, I don't, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm ending after today and you're my last person and I've been doing it and I've been doing it for 20 years.

And she said, and I'm not doing it anymore after today. And I went, well, can you recommend someone? And she went, I don't know. So I never got it again. That's the last time. Yes. Yes. Oh my gosh.

And the back of my head, I'm thinking, did, am I the reason? Did she look at my freckled body and go like, I just think, why would she take on a new patient? She must have been a fan. That's a nice way to think. She must have been a fan and she wanted to go big or and go home. Sorry. It would be for her in this situation to go big and go home because she was in an oar

because she was definitely never every seven I'm putting you down for every seventh. I just think you really, you really, you really drop the ball in the end, Judy Greer, your beloved for a reason, and thank you so much and please come back anytime. I have a story to recount. I hurt my ankle quite badly there. Done. That's my story. Wait, did you really hurt your ankle?

I did. I rolled my ankle on some ice. I was walking on ice and I rolled it and it was quite painful and it wouldn't get better, and so I finally went to CVS and I don't know why, but I went and got one of those compression socks that helps hold your foot together. I've never felt older in my life than buying a compression sock. I bought a compression sock. I went, first of all, when you walk through the aisle and someone says, can I help you,

sir, and you say, where are the compression socks? And they say, oh, right this way, sir. And I could tell he even spoke more loudly. I'm like, I'm not that old. I think of myself as a very young dynamic. You felt older getting compression socks than you did the time you got orthotics? What? Okay.

I got orthotics. Children can get orthotics. And I got orthotics because I was having some low back pain and it was suggested to me that maybe I was pronating a little bit, which was causing some problems in my low back. So I got orthotics and the problem went away. But then you used to tease me anytime I would say, Sona, I've got to reorder some my orthotics. And you can't say I need to reorder my orthotics without sounding like a complete doofus. And I would try different ways.

I'd be like, Sona, anyway, it's really important that we reorder those orthotics. And every time you do it, but compression socks and orthotics, those are things that the minute you bring them up, it's over. So I went and I got a compression sock. And then I said, I've got to put this compression sock on my ankle. And the guy was like, okay. And I said, but first I'll need to remove my orthotics. And the guy was like, okay, whatever you got to do.

And I said, by the way, I'm still a sexual threat. And he went, what? I'm still a sexual threat to any women out there. And then he had to do a box of geratons. Yeah. I knew you were coming. Once I get my compression socks over my orthotics, I'm ready to be a sexual threat to all the women out there.

I've got big dick energy with my orthotics and my compression socks. This compression sock is for my big dick. It's such a threat. Yeah. I sprained my penis. Now my penis needs orthotics and a compression sock. And it also needs an aloe gel. Hello?

Why is this story emptying out? Does anyone know I'm a sexual? Sexual threat in aisle four. We've got a sexual threat in aisle four. Oh, anyway, if you see me limping down the street, ladies and gentlemen, that's the story. That's the story. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely.

Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering by Will Beckton. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts,

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