Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Kee-ra Attack!

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

Conan talks to falconer Roxanne from San Diego about her birds' unique responsibilities and what work Conan could do to join her avian crew. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Roxanne. That's Conan and Sona. Hello. Oh, my gosh.

How exciting. Hey, Roxanne. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm doing great. So nice to meet you. You too.

I'm thrilled. Where are you coming to us from, Roxanne? I'm going to San Diego. I know it well. We've gone there pretty much every year for like seven years for Comic Con or six years. Yeah. It was every year we would go down there at the Spreckles Theater and have an absolute blast. I love going to San Diego.

Yeah. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah. I love, first of all, the whole vibe I'm getting here. Sona, back me up, Gourly. The vibe I'm getting here is incredible. You've got all this amazing sculpture and art behind you. The tattoos.

This is actually a Wolverine samurai painting behind me. We go to Comic Con every year. We actually recently stopped going, but yeah, we got that at Comic Con. Okay. That's very cool. It's X-Men's Wolverine as a samurai, which is very neat. And then we also love your tattoos. They match the decor in your house.

Yeah. This happens to be like my Asian decor section. None of the rest of the house looks like this. I have a section like that. It's just one part of the house when I'm on Zoom that looks like an Irish pub. And I go, stand there. Yeah. And it's kind of dilapidated and everyone's depressed.

Bar fights. Yeah. No, I'm saying you look like a, I'm just, I'm getting, you look like a very cool person. That's what I'm going to say right now. I just, that's the, that's what I'm getting. Yeah. Well, thank you. Yeah.

Tell us a little bit about yourself. What's, what's, what do you all about Roxanne? Well, I am a falconer. What? I train. Yeah. You're a falconer? I've never met, I've never, I don't think I've met a falconer.

That's incredible. Wait. So you, you, you have the falcon on your arm and then you say, Kira, attack. And it goes flying. And pretty, pretty close. But we're mostly on visual cues though. Cause we're just on each other's beats like that. I don't have to tell him anything.

He just reads me. He can. Oh, they read. Oh, I would so much want to say if I had a falcon, which I will have one day. I want to say Kira, attack. And then it's Kira. Its name or is that the sign for attack? Is that the word for attack?

No, it would be Kira. Kira, attack. I've thought a lot about having a falcon. Yeah. More than you would ever know would have the little hood. I would have a really cool jacket that I wear that's padded. And, and then when I wanted it to attack, I'd say, say it with me.

Kira, attack. So, um, wow, you're a falconer. How did you know? I actually do know for sure that you've met another falconer because, um, I used to work at a place at a bird training facility and some of the birds I worked with were on your show. So the people that handled them were there. And one of the women that was there as a falconer herself.

Oh, that's so cool. I always loved the animal segments. I was always fascinated and also I always enjoyed them so much. It's such a classic talk show thing to do, but animals are so natural that things would just, you know, go wrong or something funny would happen. And so it was a great opportunity to improv and just learn at the same time. So they were funny and also you'd learn something.

But I remember, I loved it when we had birds of prey on. I just, I loved those segments. So, um, I'm sure people could look those up when I would have your, so do you know, have you met any of the falcons that I met that I had on the show? Well, they weren't raptors, but they were other kinds of birds. But yes, I have met a black palm cockatoo named Arthur who was on your show. I remember Arthur. Yeah.

You commented on your similar hairstyle. Yeah. I know Arthur had like a great, great plumage. Was that the white one with the, he's a black palm? That's a cockatoo. Oh, okay. Okay. I think it's what you're thinking of.

Yeah. Well, Arthur's also a cockatoo, but he's like dark blue. Oh, okay. All right. So I remember, yes, I remembered him having his hair like mine would rise up when he was threatened. Oh yeah. So you're just always threatened.

I'm constantly in a state of fear. I'm constantly feeling under attack. Sometimes Gourley comes after me and the podcast and my hair just rises up across the table and starts slapping him. So wait, I don't understand. How does someone, you're a young woman, how do you become a falconer? How does that happen? Well, like I said, I worked at that training place as an intern

and the woman that owned is a falconer. So I had gone hunting with her a few times and loved the sport. Then went and pursued my own falconry license. I've been doing it since 2017. That is so cool. So a couple of questions. What do you hunt with these birds? What can they go and retrieve?

A small game. So like rabbits, duck, pheasant, that sort of thing. And so this is a valid way to hunt, which is to send your raptor out and it will grab one of these animals. Is that right? And bring it back to you. How does it work? So the way it works is we go out to the field with the bird,

send them up, depends on the kind of birds. So I'll use a red-tailed hawk as an example, because that's what I have most experience with. But we send the red-tailed hawk up and then on the ground, we're like the dogs that flush all the prey out of the bushes for them. So we try to scare some rabbits out. When the rabbits comes out, we'll yell out to the bird. She'll come down and grab it.

What do you yell? Please tell me it's Kira attack. It's actually ho. Ho, ho, ho. That's cool. When I shout ho out on the street, I get it. I take so much shit. Yeah. I'm like ho, ho. And then suddenly I'm the misogynist.

Yeah. Yeah. So you yell ho, ho. And they attack, let's say you scared a rabbit, a hare. They attack that bird. And is the idea that they're bringing it to you or they're just eating it themselves? Oh, yeah, they eat it themselves.

We go over there. We kind of have to pry it from them. We do a trade-off. So we'll bring like a dead quail or something like that and try to trade off with them and take the rabbit that they just got. Save it for later. That's so cool. Wow.

Do they ever... That's so interesting. I know. Can you train them to shoplift? Would that be possible? Oh, that would be possible. You know what I mean? You go over to like a Forever 21.

Yeah, some lip glosses. Yeah. And you... Kira lip gloss. And it can bring it back to you with that. Is that... I'm just... I think I'm wasting time.

I'll workshop it. People tend to notice the bird right away, though. Yeah. You have to go into the store with this bird. Yeah. You're like blowing your cover. I don't know. If you go there a lot at a certain point,

they're like, oh, there's Sona with her. Okay, so I have to... There's Roxanne. There's a rapport with the... No, no. You have to go to the store many times. It's a long con. It's a long con.

And then finally, yeah, you're like, Kira, Pez Dispenser, and... Ca, ca! And it gets the Pez Dispenser for you. And then my bird is like wearing some hoop earrings on the way out. Exactly. Yeah.

It's got a little... It's crunchy on its wing and you're all set to go. Yeah. I mean, basically you teach it to only steal things that cost like less than $2. So that the crime... Because we don't encourage serious crime. Misdemeanor.

Misdemeanor crimes. No, right. You know, I think about red-tailed hawks a lot because where I live in Los Angeles, there's like two red-tailed hawks that are constantly circling around. And I can see that they're looking for food, but they're gorgeous.

They're beautiful. And when they're like... Maybe it's your hair. It's looking like they see some blood on the ground. You know? Yeah, they think I'm circling you. I think they think a fox is... A little baby fox is sleeping on my head.

Yes. And so I've been attacked maybe 18 times. I should probably stay inside the house. I'm constantly being attacked by red-tailed hawks. But they are beautiful. They're really gorgeous. And when the sun catches them just right and you see the color in their feathers,

it's beautiful. Those are great animals. Are they friendly when you just have them perched on your arm and do they cuddle? No. I have one bird that is pretty friendly named Floyd. He's a Harris hawk.

Harris hawks are interesting, though, because they're the only raptor in the world known to hunt and pack. So they have... They just... They have an ability to form these social bonds that other raptors typically don't have. So Floyd is the exception with all my birds.

He's pretty friendly. He loves meeting people. I let people hold him and pat him and stuff. But yeah, no cuddling, really. He's online a lot. He's got a lot of friends online. Yeah. He's constantly gaming.

He's a keyboard warrior. Oh, no. So the other hawks are incels. He's going ho, ho, ho. Ho. Wow. I mean, that is... I think you would look like the ultimate cool badass.

You know, you've got such a great look. And then to think of you walking around with one of these amazing birds on your arm. Bird. You know... Where are they? I'm sorry. They're one room over from me.

Can you get one? That's cool. Do you want me to get them now? Yeah. Is that okay? I can. Yeah, yeah. Just let me take the headphones off.

I'll be right back. Oh, that's cool. Wow. What if she comes back and it's clearly just a stuffed animal? It's a stuffed animal. And it's clear this whole time that she's insane. And she's like, this one's called, you know, chakra.

And it's a little tigger the tiger. Just a soup spoon. Here we go. We're going to find out very soon. All right. So I have them created up and I saved some food for him. So I could feed them while we're talking. It's a beanie, baby.

Oh my God. Holy shit. This is why I decided to feed him now because he's very fatty. Look at, oh, what are you giving it? Oh, oh my God. What's he eating? That's an esophagus. You just fed him an esophagus.

Oh my God. What the hell is that? What is that? That's like predator rips out a spine. What is that? Oh my God. It's quail? Oh my God.

What part of the quail? Oh, it's so bloody. Oh my God. Jesus. No, no. I want to see it. I'll turn it this way. It's eating a human heart.

Look at him. Look at him. That is. Kalimashuk today. My God. So where do you, uh... Oh my God. I can't.

Oh. I can't have a conversation with that to happen. I can. I certainly can. By the way, his table manners are awful. Yeah. He's just rude. That's the way my brother Neil eats a veal at the table.

He's just... Look at him go. Just doubles over his meal and... Wow. Okay. All right. So you always just have like a quail thorax lying around. You always have a rabbit lung.

So he likes entrails, right? I usually get rid of the entrails. This is... You're looking at a quail neck. I see. I identified it correctly. You did. I thought that was the esophageal tract of why I assumed a quail.

Look at... Oh my God. That's too big a bite. Look out, buddy. Look out. Down the hatch. It's gone. Oh, look at that.

Oh my God. Now, is that enough meal for him for how long? Is that a day's worth? Two days? Two days worth. Yeah. I mean, if I... In the wild, they'll eat much bigger meals than this and not have to eat for several

days, but my birds are all trained and working, so they eat portioned out meals every day. Do you discourage snacking late in the day, you know, every now and then? Popcorn for the fridge. Mostly for the figures. Yeah, every now and then. You're just like, you know, don't eat a field mouse just before dinner. I mean, just before bedtime because you... He's looking right at that.

That's going right to his thighs. Wow. What an impressive bird. I think he's relaxing now. Oh, he just recognized me. Oh, he did. Did you see that? Yes, he did.

He heard your voice. He's heard my voice. He saw me when I know him. He's getting a violent... He's got a lot of good YouTube content I've seen. Yeah. When you say these birds work, what do they do? Are they in shows or something?

So this Floyd, he's a Harris hawk and he is trained to steer nuisance birds away from places where they're unwanted. Like, so he'll steer seagulls and crows, pigeons, that sort of thing. Oh, my God. So we do a lot of golf courses, resorts, landfills, water treatment. What about like airports where they want to keep birds away from the airplanes? Do they have any news for that? Yeah.

Uh-huh. God, what an impressive bird that is. And so it's... Oh, my God, I'm just trying to... Just a piece. Oh, good. Oh. Yeah.

Always, you know, take all you want, but eat all you take. That's the rule. I like he's a member of the clean plate club. Yeah. He's eating his own foot. Yeah. That's okay. Piece of the quail on it.

Every piece. Every piece counts. Wow. Roxanne, you are such a badass. Yeah. Great. Are people intimidated by you? Like, I'm just, you know, I don't...

I'm a total dork. I... No. Impossible. No, you are not a dork. You are... I think you're the coolest woman I've met in my entire life. Yeah.

I swear to God. The rule is, falconry happens to be the coolest bird thing you can do. But it's still a bird thing. I disagree completely. I just... I'm just blown away. Yeah. I'm absolutely blown away.

It's incredible. Yeah. It's very impressive. So cool. I mean, did you have a question for us? Is there anything I can do to help? I want to help you in some way, Roxanne. Yeah.

I was wondering, well, before falconry, I didn't really have a good skill set for the apocalypse. But I feel pretty well prepared now that I can... You're all set. ...trap a hawk and provide meat for my crew. And I was wondering what you have in your arsenal that would be... Make you valuable for my crew. Oh. Well, I'm polite.

I think. I... Fairly... I don't know. I think I... Wait a minute. I don't know if we need politeness though, right? And you're not polite.

You're going to let someone steal your stuff. I'm like, you're like, oh, and also you're not polite. I am when I don't know the person well. Matt, you have to admit at our first meeting I was quite polite. You were, yeah. And then the minute I sized up your weaknesses and foibles, I was on the attack. I think that's what would make you valuable. Yes.

Yes. You're like a politician. And I'm also a master at passive aggression. Yeah. And also aggression. So I think those things would come in handy. You know, like if one of the birds was getting out of line, I would really start to... I would find its weak spot.

I would make it feel kind of insecure. I'd really rag on the bird and the bird would sort of fall back into behaving itself, I think. Oh, no. I think the bird would be Roxanne's territory. No, this bird right here. What's this bird's name? This is Floyd. Yeah, Floyd.

I'd be like, Floyd. Hey, Floyd. Floyd, try eating with your head up just a little bit. You know, you eat like a pig, Floyd. I think your value in the apocalypse would be like if there were crews and you were in a crew, you would broker peace treaties with the other apocalypse crews and then you would start alliances because I think you're good with people. I think I would unite many of the different crews and tribal breakdowns

because everyone would be so irritated with me that they would come together. Yeah. It would be there of the tribe. Everyone would come together and to... To expel you. Well, and to massacre and eat me. And then people would say, hey, you know, we could all agree on that. Yeah.

So why can't we all build a new civilization together? You'd be like the mayor of the barter town. Yeah. Oh, in Beyond Thunderdome. Yeah. I got one of your references. I did. I'm feeling pretty good.

I didn't get that one in there. Well, that's okay. We're getting there. We'll keep trying, huh? Welcome to my life, Roxanne. Yeah. So, Roxanne, and just incredible. I just, she's...

This is so cool. You're a social cool person. Do you want to join the show? Yeah. Yes. We could have a... We could... Seriously, we could use you.

We could use... I've always said what this show lacks is a very cool falconer. Yeah. Perfect. I'll be right there. It's, what, two hour drive? Yeah. Well...

On a good day. If you grabbed enough of your birds and said, fly! Could they fly you here if you grabbed enough of them? Yeah. I'll just... I could just get a squirrel suit and fly along with them. But then they might try to eat you. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't put on a squirrel suit. They'd attack you. They'd be so stoked that I'm finally joining them. They always look at me like, what are you doing down there? Aw. What's he looking for now? Is he looking for more food?

More food, yeah. He's... Man, he's got a... He's gluttonous. Okay. Well, he's got the right idea. I left his bell on. That's probably annoying.

What's the bell for? When he is flying, I can hear him take off from any spot because... Yeah, but then... I rely on him visually. But so can his prey. But he's not a hunting bird. His job is to scare new-sus birds away. So if they hear him and see him, that's fine.

Right. I don't want them there anyway. Right. Got it. I'm impressed. And I'm... I would like to become a falconer. Would it take me long to learn?

You have to complete a two-year apprenticeship. I can sponsor you. Yeah, I'm not putting two years into it. I was hoping it was something I could do like in an afternoon. Don't they have an honorary falconer degree? Yeah, yeah. Can it be like... I mean, I got an honorary degree from Dartmouth for giving a speech there.

It's the same. I think it's the same. Can I just give a speech to the other... To the raptors? Like a 10-minute speech? Oh, you want to give the speech to the birds? Yeah. And then I get an honorary...

I'm an honorary falconer. Are they wearing gowns? Yeah, they're wearing little gowns and they're sitting there. What are you talking to them about? What are you talking to them about? It's all about, listen, don't get down on yourself. And yes, there will be moments in life where you can't find a field mouse, but those are the opportunities to grow.

And at the end, you're going to find that field mouse because all of us sometimes need to find our inner field mouse. And then all the... There'll be crying. Look at him. He's listening. He just listened to me. And then they'll all throw their little caps in the air.

And then I get my honorary falconers degree. Okay. Look, he's just feeling better about being out of the car. Look at him. He's lifting his head because I gave him the self-esteem that he was missing. Floyd. He's lifting his head as birds do. Floyd.

Floyd. Floyd. Floyd. Yes. Yes, Floyd. Yes, Floyd. That voice you hear really is me. And I really am here to inspire you and to get an honorary degree.

I'm really good at reading his body language. And he is saying that I should give you an honorary falconery license. Thank you very much. Okay. I can't wait to get a very dangerous bird raptor and with very little knowledge of how to control it and then get out into the world and start saying, Kira attack. Yeah. And just see what happens.

Yeah. Yeah. And this honorary license does hold up with fish and wildlife. So don't worry about anything. Yeah. Roxanne, you were a terrible influence. I put forward that Roxanne is coolest guest ever. Seconded.

What? Yeah. You know what? I'll go with that. That's saying a lot because we've talked to some very cool people, but Roxanne, yeah, I have to give it to you. You are the coolest guest we've had. Eat that Jeff Goldblum.

Yeah. Oh, no, no. We are not including celebrities. Oh. Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just meant of all the civilians we've talked to. Okay. I mean, you can't, you can't go after Jeff Goldblum. Nobody goes after Jeff Goldblum. I wasn't. Borely did. Yeah. Well, I stand by it.

I think if they, if these birds saw Goldblum, they'd attack immediately. Yeah. They would think he was a rodent of something. I think they would ditch me. And I think he would control them. Jeff Goldblum as their new father. Yeah. It's true.

I mean, he was really like, oh, my, my, my pads, my, my, my, oh, my, my birds of prayer. He put his arms out like a tree. Yeah. And they would all just gather around him. You're right. You're right. Goldblum would win again. Yeah.

Hey Roxanne. So cool talking to you. Thank you very much. It's a real treat. It's awesome. And Floyd, nice hanging with you. Yes. He looked at you.

Of course he looked at me. He looked right into my soul and saw nothing. That is so cool. That is so cool. He's looking. He's looking at us. Floyd. Floyd, look.

Look, I'm a, I'm a squirrel. I'm a squirrel's larynx. Looks, Floyd. Floyd. Right over here. Oh, my goodness. Call, call, call. Look, I'm here.

Call, call, look at me. Call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call. Okay. This is the stupidest podcast we've done yet. I'm on Zoom with a bird of prey going. Call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call. I'm getting away. Call, call.

All right. Roxanne, I'm going to go and question what it is I do for a living, but thank you. So cool talking to you. Thanks for doing it. Oh yeah. Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair, associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples, associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple podcasts, and make sure or wherever find podcasts are downloaded.

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