Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Keegan-Michael Key

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Actor Keegan-Michael Key feels overwhelmed about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Keegan and Conan sit down to chat about growing up a 60s guy (in the 80s), favorite niche impressions, performing sketch alongside President Obama, and discovering entertainment as a career path. Later, Conan responds to a listener voicemail about socks. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hello, my name is Keegan Michael Key and I feel overwhelmed about being Conan O'Brien's friend. So I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend is my podcast. I'm the aforementioned Conan O'Brien and very much enjoying doing this show. Really having a good time. Joined by my team here, Sonam of Sassian, my assistant now of a decade. Is that right? Eleven years.

It's been eleven years. Wow, that's right. It's a long time. We've had some ups, we've had some downs. Yes. But we always stick together. Pals to the end. And yeah, it could end at any time.

And Matt Gorely, our producer. Yeah. Matt, now here's where things are different. I chose Sona. Right. Sona was a choice that I made. Yeah. Maybe a right choice, maybe a wrong choice, but it was a choice that I made.

Yeah. I interviewed different candidates and I said, this one right here, she'll, she seems responsible. And so that's on me. You were. Come on. You were thrust upon me. Yeah. Same here.

By the podcast people. There are all these podcast people that said, yes Conan, you'll have a podcast. And I said, well, I don't know. I'll give it a shot. It seems kind of interesting. I can try. Oh yes. You'll have a podcast Conan.

And it'll all be handled by this gentleman. And they literally opened a door and you came walking in. And I said, what's this? And they said, it's an Adam Gorely. Adam Gorely. What the fuck? This name is Matt. Oh, shit.

You've got it Adam. You combined Adam and Matt. You know what? I'm going to be honest. You guys are sort of interchangeable. Wow. You're just the podcast guys. Yeah.

So I, Adam Sacks was the one that brought you in. He was the one saying, here's the one. And then so, yeah, I mean, I have to say, you're just the podcast people. Yeah. And I don't mean to demean you in any way. No, it doesn't sound that way. No. It sounds pretty complimentary.

No. It's like, what are those things, those dementors in Harry Potter that float above you that are all in black robes? You don't know which one is which. You just know they're dementors. They suck the life out of you. What? Yeah.

What are you talking about? Don't you know what dementors is? Anyone here? Yes. Do you know what dementors are? Blay, lean in. Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban, they guard the prison. They're the guards and they float like you explained.

Yes. They suck the life out of you and make you so filled with just misery and sadness that you want to die. That seems like an appropriate description. I was just grabbing the first description that came to my mind. Oh, okay. I couldn't, but anyway. Also, I was sort of tricked into this job.

I didn't really, you know, get to choose it either. They revealed my little role in stages where first I was just consulting and then it was meet Conan and then it was come down and see if you can do this. And so it just, you know. Oh, and you weren't super excited to meet Conan O'Brien? Right. Right, Sona? Sona?

Oh. Come on. Do you probably, you didn't go home and high five your wife and go, I got to meet the man? I've first of all never once high-fived my wife. All right. Well, there's no loving that marriage, clearly. It's all about the high five.

Poorly. You know, I love you and I admire you. What's my first name? I'm not sure. Ron Roll. Roll. Rolled. Roll.

As in rolled all. Yeah. You're terrific. I'm just was making the point that you were brought to me and assigned to me. And so we were kind of chained together. It's true. Yeah. There's a famous movie from the 60s where Sidney Poitiers chained to Tony Curtis, the

defiant ones. And they kind of hate each other, but they learned to get through the swamp together because they're escaping. So that's you and me in a way. Yeah, that's pretty right on. Yeah. And I am Sidney Poitiers. Do I have to be here?

What? You're probably one of the hounds chasing us through the swamps. Come on. You know, you're chasing me around the office all day long. I am trying to do my job and you're like, oh, you always have something to ask me. It is my actual job to ask you things. And it's, I just think that that's, I'm doing it. You're getting angry at me for doing my job.

That's all. Okay. True story. And at one point, uh, Sona got this delivery of really good looking sushi to her desk and she started happily eating it. And I said, oh man, that looks good. I'm really hungry. And she was like, well, what do you want to do about lunch?

And I was like, when you were ordering the sushi, did you think for a second about saying, hey, Conan, I'm ordering some sushi from this really good sushi place. Do you want some? Did that even occur to you? It did not because every time I ask you if you want something that I'm ordering, you're like, no, you never, you never want to eat where I'm eating from. So I stopped asking you. That's all.

Hmm. That's it. I think I had a real nerve here. You didn't. I did. No, you didn't. I don't care. I had the sushi and I enjoyed it.

Yeah. Okay. Can I just mention something really quickly that you've been rattling the table this entire time and it only stops when you get to speak. Have you noticed that? I think time when I'm not speaking is wasted time and it fills me with anxiety and rage. So when I'm talking, I feel like I was right with the world and people are getting what they tuned in for.

You know, I'm just, I can't handle it. So I'll try to get that under control. I also stopped using cocaine two days ago. So give me a break. I'm new to all this. Okay. All right. Let's get started.

Is that enough or do we need more? That's plenty. I'm good. I'm so sorry. My guest today is a very talented actor who co-created and co-starred in the hit comedy central series, Key and Peele. He also starred alongside Eddie Murphy and Dolomite is my name. You can now see him in the new Netflix movie, All the Bright Places and as host, the National

Geographic show, Brain Games. I am very excited he's here with us today. Keegan, Michael, Key, welcome, sir. Now I'm looking at you and I see fear. I see fear of my eyes. I wish it's funny because I was trying to give off glee. So who doesn't say about me? No.

You look like Ted Bundy giving off glee. I'm going to shoot some glee action and then they'll never find you. No, thank you so much for being here. I do like the Ted Bundy Harvard reference. That's good. I expect so many of those in this interview. I mean, in this podcast, it's not an interview. I know.

I majored in serial killers. Oh, you did? Yeah. Very prolific. Bundy, Gacy. Yeah. That other guy. That one other guy.

That's all you know. I did not major in serial killers. Where's your hillside strangler? Zodiac. I mean, where's that guy? There you go. Boston. Boston strangler.

It's funny. All I see in my head is Tony Curtis. I just see Tony. Right. It really creeped me out. The Boston strangler. Fans who are listening, yeah, they cast Tony Curtis to play the Boston strangler. I'm going to kill you.

I'm the guy. You're dead. I've killed you. I've got my hands around your neck. It's very strange casting. I sensed him wanting to branch out. I think so. I think that's what it was.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely, yeah. And it's funny. But that was based on a TV show that Tony Curtis was in in the 70s and the early 70s. There was one season on ITV in the UK called The Persuaders. It was him and Roger Moore. Oh, wow. And it's funny.

Apparently a lot of it was improvised and he was a real kind of loose actor, Tony was. And Roger was very, very, you know, wooden and I feel like it was important to learn the lines. Sure. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. He was in, what's that show that took place? It was called Vegas. Vegas. And it was about Dan. It was a name.

Dantana. Dantana was the lead in Robert Ulrich. Yeah, Robert. Ulrich. Ulrich. Robert Ulrich. Yeah. Robert Ulrich played this detective who lived in Las Vegas.

And one of the things is that every now and then he would go to this guy named Roth. Like when the chips were really down and needed help. And it was played by Tony Curtis. Tony Curtis. And, and you just didn't know who, you just were like, wait a minute, the chips are down so he's going to a 70 year old Tony Curtis right now. That's what it looked like. That's what it always looked like.

Yeah. And he was like, yeah, you know, I'll try and help you out. You know, it was just like. I'll do it like this. I'll do it like this. I'll do it like this. I'll do it like this. My Tony Curtis has just a dash of Jackie Mason in it.

Yeah. And a little, a little skosh, a little dab of Sylvester Stallone. A little bit of Sylvester Stallone. Now that's a cocktail I'll drink. You know. You said Vegas, I said Dentana, you said Robert Urik, Sona doesn't know what's going on. No, no, no.

You know, I'm a little lost. Sona's here for hire. Listen. Listen. That's my second Harvard reference of the. This show. The podcast. This podcast often goes off the rails with insane digressions and it's, and it's old

references. Oh, fantastic. And so the next thing you know, I mean, I've been on this, we've been doing this show just about a year and a half now, but you know, I keep forgetting like podcasts. It's a younger medium. And then sometimes I realize they'll tell me afterwards, you just did a 10 minute run on Rudy Valley. I'm like, button up your overcoat when the wind blows free.

And you know what's weird is I grew up, I don't know how you grew up, but I grew up out of my own time, meaning I grew up, I came of age in the 70s. And so what I'm supposed to, what's supposed to happen is I'm supposed to be listening to 70s bands like Kiss, you know, and. Of course. I'm supposed to be, I'm supposed to be in my time. I was not. I always listened to music that was like 20 years or 25 years from before me.

I did the same thing. And I watched movies from when I, that were made in the 30s that they showed on local television. Right. And so I used to sort of talk like a guy in the 30s when I was a kid. And so Jimmy Cagney and some of his movies would come into a room and he was always very fast talking. Yeah.

So he'd come into a room and he'd go, hey, Padre, what do you, hey, what do you say? And I thought that's the coolest thing in the world. So in 1977, like the set, you know, like punk rock is right. I'm walking into rooms going like, hey, Padre, what do you hear? What do you say? What's the rupus? Yeah. What's the rupus?

What's the news? What's the weather? Hey, Wrigley, 555. Wrigley, 555. You know. El Dorado, 4268. Yeah. Yeah.

And so I grew up and couldn't relate. And so tell me how I sense a kindred spirit. Yes. I was 20 years out of my time. I was 20 years out of my time. I grew up in the 80s. So I was in middle school, like in 81, 82, 83. So I am a 60s guy, 60s music and early 70s music is my favorite music.

And then I stopped. I bought some new music, like I liked the Smiths, you know, in the 80s, because my best friend liked the Smiths. And you thought you were being radical. I thought I was being super radical liking the Smiths. And I didn't know, like I didn't know Kokomo by the Beach Boys, but we were singing it. You're not cool. Yeah.

Hey, you're the square. You don't know Kokomo. You don't know how cool I am that I didn't know the squarist pop song that was on the hit parade. On the hit parade. On the hit parade. See. And I, so I was a 60s guy.

I wore like, I wore fringe and moccasins and denim jackets. Like, oh, wow. Once upon a time in Hollywood. Yes. Love it. Like that's my, vanilla, you know, it's not the time you grew up in, not the time you think you grew up. I think I grew up in.

Right. And so Jimmy Hendricks is my favorite recording artist, hands down my favorite record. Yeah, I was the easiest kid to shop for for a birthday party. You just come to my birthday party. It was just books and 45s, remember 45s, 45s, but Jimmy Hendricks, everything was Jimmy Hendricks. And then I, but then I branched out to the doors and straw and I like psychedelic stuff, strawberry alarm clock.

And I always listened to, to our local in Detroit, our local classic rock station. So that was always my time. And then when I auditioned, when I auditioned for Matt TV, they had to do like, you had to do like three impressions. One of my impressions for my audition was David Carradine's Quachankane from the television show Kung Fu. Yeah. That was one of my, I was like, so for my next impression, I'd like to do Quachankane

from TV show Kung Fu as portrayed by David Carradine. Excuse me. I mean you, no harm. That's it. That's it. That was. And then my other way. And did they even know what you were talking about?

So the executive producer was like, I produced that show, you know, but, but so that worked to my face. Then then my other, one of my other impressions and told it, not Antonio Vargas, Antonio Vargas was a huggy bear on Tuscany and Hutch. Yeah. Oh God. Who played? I can help you.

Gregory Sierra. Gregory Sierra, who played Julio on Sanford and the Sun. Oh yeah. Mr. Suffer. Mr. Suffer. Oh my God. That's such specific impressions. Are you kidding me?

Like, like, I mean they were, I was, it's like, I wasn't in Elaine. I was on the yellow line. I was only allowed to drive on the yellow line. I only, I only did one impression in all my years. I did one impression and it was before people were, I mean, he's more of a known person now, but for years before anyone was talking about George Takei from Star Trek, I used to do a George Takei and it was very specific because when I was on The Simpsons, I wrote an episode and in it we tried to get George Takei and I think I remember talking to try

and get him to do the episode and he, I think, involved a monorail and he didn't want to do it because he was on the board of public transportation in San Francisco and he felt that this made fun of public transportation. Amazing. You're like, really? You don't want to be on The Simpsons, but anyway, George Takei, I think I was talking to him and he was like, I'll never forget what he said. He said, he was also very busy that he was in a production of Aladdin and he said, he

said, I'm sorry, I can't do it Conan, I'm in a production of Aladdin and get this, I play the genie. That's what he said, but I just, so I spent like four years, I spent four or five years of my life walking around going, do you want to hear my George Takei and they go like, who's that? And I go, you know, suit with the Star Trek. And they go, okay, and I go, I'm in Aladdin and get this, I play the genie. And people were like, I thought you were going to say like phasers on stunts.

I was doing an impression of something from my life that no one could ever give a shit about. I do the same thing. I do the same thing. Now I'm going to do, I'm going to get weird and twisty here. I do the same thing and I'm only recalling in this moment that I remember Dan Castellanetta was on a talk show one time years ago, it might have been Letterman and he was on a talk show.

I remember they said, do you do impressions? And he said, I do an impression. And it was like his fifth grade math teacher was like on TV. So he did, I'm sure it was, I'm sure it was spot on, but here's mine. Cause you like, I love how you manufactured a catchphrase that for yourself, that no one else went up. Right. My manufactured catchphrase is when we were, when Jordan and I were doing key and peel,

we did a sketch called the laundromat, which, and the premise was great. The premise was that, you know how a barbershop is where everything happens in black culture. For the black men, it's going to the barbershop. And Jordan was playing this really sad, tragic old man who was like, Hey man, you know, everything's going on at the laundromat. Is that the laundromat? And I was just nephew, like, you know, Uncle Cassius, he's like, what's going on, Nathan? And I said, Hey, I just feel like, uh, there's not a lot going on here today at the laundromat.

And he goes, come on, you know, he's going, start popping off at the laundromat. And then look across the street and there's a barbershop across street and I'm trying to be a good nephew, but they're having a great old time at the barbershop. Like a grand old time. And great wisdom. And that's why I brought it to you. And then ping-a-ling-ling-ling-ling door opens right in walks Billy Dee Williams. And I'm like, Oh no, it's Lando.

I gotta go over there. So Lando, I'm sorry, Lando, so Billy, Billy Dee was also a Night Hawks and the Billy Holiday movie. Yeah. But he's Lando. He's Lando. Okay. So he really had a hard out.

I mean, a hard out that day. And here, so my Billy Dee Williams is always about, um, he drove up to the set and I came out of my trailer as he was trying to, the base camp PA walked up to him and he's like, good afternoon, Mr. Williams. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm, I'm, I'm Elliot. I was wondering, did you bring any wardrobe with you? Billy Dee Williams just looks at me and goes, you're looking at it.

And then walks through his trailer and I was like, because he's Billy Dee Williams. This is what he's wearing. Right. But then he had a really hard out that day. We had to be stringent about his one PM out. And so he's on set and we're all standing around. He's just like, Peter, uh, I just need to know what time it is because I got to go. He's like, we're almost there, Billy.

It's about 1210. It's about 1210. So we got about 40 minutes and we'll have you wrapped out of here. All right. Sounds good. Is that the 110 right there? Is that the Santa Monica three way, pretty easy. How far are we from base camp?

I promise we're going to get you out of here. It's like a couple of more things. It's just that I got to go. Yeah. Is that clock right? I'm like, Billy, just focus up with us, man. Just stay with us, please. I don't know.

I just, how you doing Chewbacca? That was my favorite thing is that Billy Dee Williams is such a badass. He did not give a shit. You know, somebody told Billy, someone said to Billy, it's pronounced Han. It's Han solo. Right. All right. I got it.

Action. What's going on, Han? He doesn't give a shit. And he's not going to change. He's not changing that. How you doing Chewbacca? Chewbacca. Chewbacca.

You know that he was telling Lucas, I got to go. No, this is the second. The first one was the biggest movie ever made. We're now making the second, which arguably is going to be more critically acclaimed and even more successful and cement this as the greatest franchise in... It's in American history. I hear what you're saying. You can be him.

I'm listening, George. Listen, Billy Dee, so glad that you signed up to do this. Me too. Okay. Listen, ladies sings the blues. Yes. Yes. We all know Billy.

Listen, George Lucas here. It's so nice to see you. And... Pleasure to meet you, George. Okay. As you know, the first Star Wars biggest movie ever made. I am aware. Yeah.

Have you seen it? No sir. Billy, I'm sure you'll get around to it. This is the second one. This is Empire Strikes Back and you are the pivotal role in this. This is huge, huge, and today's scene is very, very important. This is where you betray Han Solo and it's a huge moment. We want to get this right.

Is that clock right? Because I've got a clock. You know what I'm saying? If you say Empire Strikes Back, it's like, who struck the Empire? And why are these guys so upset that they're going to strike back? Well, the Empire is really bad. You don't need to know that, Billy. I don't.

Okay. Where do I live? What's this place called? Is this a place that's in the sky? It's a cloud city. Cloud city. Yeah. All right.

Am I going to get to talk to that little Philly Carrie Fisher? Oh my god. Well, no, no, no, no. You have a more of a paternal role with her. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah. In the film you mean.

Okay, Billy. Okay. This is okay now, but you know, 30 years from now, this is going to be a problem, Billy. Sorry, I got off track. I mean, like, even back then, Billy Williams could have gotten Carrie Fisher. Yeah. He was super. He's still super suave.

He's incredibly suave. Yeah. Did you see the last one? The last, I'm guessing. I just saw the last one. Yeah. The Rise Skywalker. Yeah.

And what they love to do in these ones is they love to have people come back. You get a charge when he comes back in. Absolutely. Absolutely. Oh my god. And the whole theater claps. Yeah. But then he keeps peeking back in.

I was in the old one. And now I'm still here. And I'm still here. You take it. I guess at the millennium fucking, you take a good caramel girl, you know what I'm saying? No, I remember, I know that it was his ship. I, yes, you know, like if you're my age, you don't have to tell me all that intertextualities for the younger, the younger fans, you know, I remember the ads that he used to do for

Colt 45 beer. Colt 45. Schlitzmott like a beer. Goes down smooth. Schlitzmott like a beer. But I think, God, I hope I get some money from them. Cool. But he would do, he was, it was a can of beer.

Just a Colt 45, but you, in that moment, you realized he could literally sell anything. Anything. I mean, that guy could have just said like, hunk of dung. Yeah. You're right. Exactly. Like if you want hunk of dung, comes in three sizes, pebble. If you have a lady coming over, you want to have a very discreet hunk of dung.

Comes in three sizes, pebble, pile, and there's another P word that I haven't heard. You know, you did, you guys did so many sketches. I loved how smart your writing was and obviously you're killer performers, but the writing, and you did a sketch and I, I have quoted this, I've misquoted this sketch many times because it's one of my favorite sketches. The guy on stage, the comedian on stage who insults people in the crowd, the insult comic, and he's insulting people in the crowd. And then there's a guy who's, and he's insulting everyone, but you're wisely avoiding a burn

victim in the crowd. Who, by the way, has been burned so badly, he's in a wheelchair. He's in a wheelchair. Like it got down to the nerves. Yeah. And so he's horribly disfigured, and I just, I love that the guy is insisting. He goes like, do him, his mouth does, do me, do me, make fun of me. Have you seen this one so far?

I love that sketch. And the glee on his face. Yeah. Like he's like, oh, he's, like, I just skip, I skip over it, right? Yeah, yeah. And you know what the thing is, you're being, your insult comic, but you're being very careful to avoid, you see him and you don't want to go to him, do me, and then, I love that you, you finally like, okay, I forget, but you, you do something pretty, the first one, you

do an insult. The first one, the first one I think, if I remember correctly, the order, I think the first one is, okay, all right then, take it easy, you know, don't, don't, don't, don't come haunt me in my dreams. Yeah. Because I get, you look at Freddy Krueger. Right. It's like, like a mild Freddy Krueger joke, and they turn on me immediately.

And he goes, too far. Yeah. Too far. And then he's like, the tears, they burn, I thought I could take it, but I can't. Oh my God, I remember, there were sketches, there was one that Jordan and I did that I thought I was, I hoped it would work, because I was giggling at the silliness in the moment, because there'd be moments where you're trying to kind of make each other giggle. And then you have to hope and pray that, that not just the, the joyousness of it is coming

across, but that the joke is actually coming across. Right. It was a blackout sketch, like it was at the top of a show, and it was two couples, and the girls, it was the girls versus the boys, and they were playing a celebrity. And we're talking trash to each other, we're talking trash, and there's me and Jordan's turn, and they set the timer for a minute. And then, and then I'm just like, okay, I'm at, he was, uh, it was a taxi driver, a taxi driver, because it would be Robert De Niro.

I'm like, okay, I'm just, uh, I'll be back. Oh, that's not loud, I'm just watching, I'm just watching, okay, uh, he's a, um, a singer, he's, he's gay, but nobody knew it, but now he's here, me. And then we cut, you know, the camera cuts to the wives, cuts to me, cuts to the single back of him, and I go, uh, no, uh, gay, singer, not, is it me? And the, is it me, is one of those who are like, can we take it that far, like, when do we accept how stupid he, he's going to be, he's going to try and cover up, but then he's going to go back, but he's going to go back to it.

And if he goes back to it, are we going to laugh that's, and, and what Jordan did instinctively is there's this little thing you do with his mouth, which is what made the sketch so funny. He's like, is it me? No, no, it's not you, it's not you, uh, Darnell, uh, Latin, he, uh, he's a Latin pop star. I'm going to Latin pop star, no, no, you're not, you're not a, you're not a Latin pop star. And then I go, and then I go, I go, uh, uh, I don't, it's Enrique, Enrique, Enrique and Glacius, and he goes, oh man, I'll put that one in there too.

So the callback, all the mechanics work. It's just that you're always making sure you want to make sure that third, that the trigger point works. Like you said, yeah, it's really, it's tough, but it's so satisfying when it works. If it's good, pure silliness, it will last. Yeah. I really believe that. Like, I really believe that the best sketches you guys have come up with, people are going

to be sharing it, you know, uh, you know, a hundred years from now. The biggest blessing we got is because we were insistent on how long it was going to take to make the show. We had to do evergreen stuff. Right. It's not about the day's news. It's not about the day's news. It had to be evergreen.

And so that, that ended up being our greatest blessing. One of the things that's so, after, you know, whatever the 26, 27 years, whatever we've been doing this thing, so many times it'd be a huge story in the news in politics and all the shows would be like, what's their take on it? And that would be the night that we had a gold miner stand up in the audience and say, I'm looking for the ghost of my turtle. You know, and we'd just be cackling and at rehearsal, I'd always say, and that's our take on the Lewinsky skin, but you know, at the time people would say like, oh, you missed,

you blew it. And now I think, I don't know, it gets passed around now and you don't have to explain. Exactly. Like, I don't. This is what the Exxon Valdez bill was. Like, we think, because we're in, we're roiling in the middle of all of this right now. But in 2046, I'm hoping and praying that this is, this becomes of the world, okay? That in 2046, that an impeachment joke is going to be super dated, is that the world's

not going to change as much as we are all afraid it's going to change, you know, and you're right. It's like, this is, we just write sketches about the human condition. I mean, that, because, if I may, that sketch is about, it's about mourning and loss. I mean, it's a prospector, but some part of you is. I never thought of it that way. I always thought of it that we had a prospector costume and we had a turtle puppet. And if you want to, if you really want to know why we would do the sketch, it's because

we had both of those things. Yeah, both of those things. It really was this random thing of, we've got a World War I German helmet with a spike and we've got a water melon that can explode and foam can come out of it. Got it, got it, write it up. You have had this weird experience of doing a sketch comedy with a president of the United States, Barack Obama, and there are moments like that where I'm fascinated because I'm a comedy fan and when you would play Obama's angry alter ego.

The anger translator, yeah. The anger translator. When you, and it was a very funny idea, it was really, and then you guys did it yourselves and then Obama was like, hey, I want to do that. And okay, that's insane, but I'm also a history buff. So the idea that I have someone I can talk to who's like, wait, you've done, you did a really funny sketch with a U.S. president, something which isn't happening by the way these days.

No, no, yeah. Because the White House Correspondents dinner has been shut down, there's no more of that. It's a completely different experience now. I don't know if previous presidents have ever, I mean, we know about senators doing their turns on SNL and former presidents and Clinton on Arsenio. But he played the saxophone. My question specifically is you did a sketch with President Obama while he's a sitting president.

Yeah. So, do you give him notes? Do you say, you know what, the timing isn't right on that? Do you have the balls to do that? I'm just curious how much. I tried to show as much reverence as I should, but here's what happened. Here's what happened. I went into the West Wing and I went to a room that's known as the Map Room, which was

apparently FDR's favorite room. And now it's called the Improv and Sketch Workout Room. That's how much America has changed. What are these long pieces of paper? We need a microphone. We're squiggly lines. Hello. I'll tell you what.

We need a brick wall. So I was standing at a podium and I had my script and I had been working on my script and also I thought to myself, I'm also going to learn his lines. I'm going to learn my lines and his lines because, you know, he's got some stuff on his mind. Right? And he came in. He came into the room.

There he is. King. What's going on? And runs right. Very tactile guy. Runs over. Gives me a hug. I freak out because I'm like, is there a red dot on my forehead?

He's hugging me. Guess what? He is hugging me. Madam several times. Never got the hug. Never got the hug. Just telling you. Never got the hug.

No, no. I'm just putting it out there. President Obama, I never got the hug. But anyway. And again, you know, we've spent some time. Never got the hug. But anyway, continue. Continue.

I'm going to give him a call and see if he can be here next week. I've got the hug from Michelle. Yeah. No. No hug from Barack. President, very, yeah. You know what's so funny? I was, I did, I, I, I'm only interrupting.

And then if this is bullshit, you can cut it out. But I remember this, this experience where I was at a fundraiser and I was the comedian at the fundraiser. And Spielberg was throwing a giant event. And Obama was the guest of honor. And while he's president, so he comes in and Bruce Springsteen's the musical guest. And I'm, so I get up and do my thing and Bruce Springsteen, and then we all go back to the table and go around.

And the president shows up late. He does the same thing where he cordially greets all of us. He cordially greets all of us. And there's like, I'd say 11 of us. And he goes around and shakes all of our hands. And then the very last one is Samuel L. Jackson. He's wearing a tangle cap, a white tangle cap with a white suit. And Obama does this, their, their, their handshake goes on for five minutes.

It's like central. And the difference between what Liam Neeson and I got. And you've never seen like the two whitest guys in the world are like, What up? See, he was like, what up? What up? What up? What the fuck did we do?

What the hell? I'm like, well, I think it's pretty clear what's happening here. What's happening here? It's like the, it's like the key and piece. The key feels sketchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing? I'm like, brother, we're in Mirmo.

No, no, no. But guess what? It really is. It's a real life. It's real life. I saw it happen in real life. It was like, and it was like, you know, bang. And it's like, okay, I don't have any ego about that.

And he's being perfectly nice. But just, of course, the president like, good to see you. Conan, good to see you, Liam. Good to see you. And then Samuel L. Jackson. And it was pyrotechnics. Pyrotechnics. And I've never more wanted to be someone else.

And then I was looking at Samuel L. Jackson. I'm like, how do I get that? He was like, you are not. You are not going to get that. But anyway, so you're in a room. So the president on stage walks in. Yeah. So he's got his binder and he's, and he's reading and he's,

and he's going through, he goes through the whole thing. He does all the jokes in the preamble. And because instead of usually, he did it instead of a comedian doing it. Right. And then I came in at the tail end of the piece. So he, so we got to the tail end of the piece and you know, he's making, it was cool watching just make changes too.

He's just so, so very kind. He's like, oh, I'm going to cut this here. I'm going to cut this. All right, guys. I'm going to move this down here. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, get it. If you do it, you know.

Wait, wait. You got to be told that joke. But based on, based on his idea that it would, he was making comedy choices or just. I think what he was doing Conan was making choices like, that he, I'll use this comment as a joke in a speech I'm giving tomorrow. I'm going to use this comment in some remarks. I'm going to make when I'm in Nebraska at the corn.

Right. Union. This joke will go well in Prague. Right. Exactly. Yeah. When I go to Bodhislava, this is going to murder. And so he was like moving jokes around.

And so, so he goes, all right. Okay. Now we're going to do the script here. And I was like, you got it, sir. Absolutely. He's like, no, I don't need, you know, Dave, Dave writes some funny stuff. David Litt is the guy who wrote the, who wrote the copy.

And he goes, so I don't want to see you breaking up here. Okay. And I said, you got it, sir. I'm on it. And I get into my Luther stance. And the very first line, he goes, so to continue, I'd like to introduce my anger translator, Luther. And my first line, my first line is,

hang on to your lily white butts. So he says this line, right? So he goes, he goes, my anger translator, Luther. I said, hang on to your lily white butts. The president goes, oh, oh, oh, you got me going. Okay. I think I might have even said, I don't know, sir, you got to keep a straight face.

And he was like, you got me. So he laughed. And so that was the closest I got to giving him a note. And there was one thing where I might have said, I'll stand, is it okay if I stand on this side? Would you prefer if I stand on this side? I think I can get more, like I was going to launch my legs in the air and jump and stuff like that.

And that's the closest thing we came to a note. I didn't tell him what I was going to do. I asked him what he wanted. He was cool. You were cool on that side. And then the other thing people used to say after I finished doing it was that there is a moment where I touch him.

And it's like, it just feels like it's not allowed. You know what I mean? And I touched him. But he was so amazing as a straight man. I can't even describe how amazing he was. He knew he had the timing perfectly. And only I'm saying that now because I was so aware of it because I knew his lines.

And a lot of, you know, he's so good at this thing and he's so good at doing the speech here and kind of just scooping words and coming back. Like almost whole paragraphs sometimes where he's talking to the crowd. He's really orating. And I'm like, I'm like, he's got notes. He's not even looking at the prompter shield jammers.

You know what's really funny is that. It was amazing. First time I did the correspondence center, it was Clinton, I went first and things went really well and I was very happy. And I thought, man, it's just good to go first. That's the president. Second time I sign up is Obama.

And what happens is you're sitting there and the president goes first and he is loaded up with the greatest jokes in the world. Now I really liked my jokes. I have really good jokes, but he's just loaded up. And also the thing has progressed, especially under Obama. They started adding stuff that like late night comedians have, which is pictures to pop.

Like they have a weekend update. And they had like, you know, magic tricks and all this craziness. And so he goes up and he's really fucking amazing and he just destroys. And I'm sitting there. And also they don't, the White House doesn't tell you what you'll say like, what areas are you covering

and all you hear back in the White House and all you hear from the White House is, oh, we're just going to cover some stuff. Don't you worry about it. Like, oh man, you're going first. I don't even know. I have no idea. Right, right.

Yeah. So I put all my stuff on blue cards so I could flip it around and take stuff out. So I'm just taking blue cards out while he's doing his thing and destroying every now and then like every third joke. I'd be like, and this comes out. But at least I have another one

and I can slide away it. But I'm doing that. During the speech. During the speech. And he's absolutely destroying because he's so good at it. And then he literally does like a mic drop. He's just like, I'm out.

You know, Obama out. And he walks away and the crowd, I mean, they're delirious. It's insane. Yeah. He's the leader of the free world and he was just really funny and just destroyed. Had the hottest set you've ever seen anyone have.

And then this voice of God just goes, come on, Brian. And that's it. And then you walk up and you can hear your own shoes. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. And you know that the White House is like, you know what? Jesus, this is a long day. Yeah.

But it went well. Yes. It went well. Well, you have to read in for that one. Yeah, it went great. But yeah, Obama crushed it. But you did really well too. I mean, I didn't mean to.

Why did you have to go back to Obama crushed it? We established that Obama crushed it. Everybody's under the impression. And that was the part where you lean in and say, Conan. You did good too. Oh, wow. Solid. Solid praise.

But I got off and I was like, I don't need to ever do that again. Because he's already a gifted orator, but he's a gifted orator across the orating spectrum. And he's the coolest guy in the world. And he's the coolest guy that ever lived. Always the coolest guy in the room. And he has the perfect blend. A friend of mine told me this through a friend of mine who wrote a book about the thing that, one of the things that gets you elected is strength and warmth.

And he has the perfect amount of both strength and warmth. He does it. Some people have too much strength. Some people have too much warmth. And it's not enough. He's the perfect blend. I can tell you a joke that I thought was funny. A very great visual joke.

This memory jogged in my mind. I hosted the NFL honors a few years ago. And I was watching your hosting job. And Seth's job. And I'm a huge football fan. So it was a crazy thing for me. And I remember the year that you did it. You had a great joke where you were showing images of things or animals or people that

looked like a football player. And to this day, there was an ice cream cone with a chocolate. There was a chocolate swirl, soft serve swirl. And then you showed a picture of Antonio Brown's hair. And it was, it murdered Conan. It was such a perfect joke. I know we're going to cut this because I just said Antonio Brown. But it's like, or maybe it's okay.

That's when you could have a lot of fun with Antonio Brown. Right, exactly. Who knew? Who knew? Who knew? You know. Oh my gosh. OJ was in the Naked Gun movies.

And he did okay? He did. I think they've taken him out now. I think they have. They edited him out. All the Naked Gun movies are now 86 minutes long. It's an easy evening. They go like, where's Norberg?

And they just cut to a crap. And then you just hear a bad voiceover going, you mean Norberg, the crap? Yes, Norberg, the crap. Well, he won't figure much into this plot. Onward. Onward. And whoever that guy is was a Leslie Nielsen talkalike. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said, I wasn't getting any work. I wasn't getting any work. Out of the blue. Out of the two sessions. All of the... When we did Naked Gun 33 to third, that was a doozy of a day. But I had to do all of those, yeah. That's so crazy.

So that's, I mean, Norberg. I love that you... Why was his name Norberg? Well... Can I ask another question? I don't think they gave it that much thought. Is Annie Glover's last name Murtaugh? Yeah.

That's about the most German Anglo-Saxon name. I think he's Bavarian in the films. He's Bavarian. I mean, it's from the Black Forest. No, no, he's wearing Lederhosen. They shot, exactly. They shot, I think they shot six whole weeks where he's in Lederhosen. And then they...

Then they're like, we gotta fix this. They said, Richard Donner, what are we thinking with the Lederhosen? I'm gonna cut it, cut it. Let's start again. I always found that interesting. But keep the name. Yeah. It must be Murtaugh.

It has to be Murtaugh. Jawohl! I just, it's so strange that his name was Roger Murtaugh. Anyway. Anyway. He looked more like a Riggs to me. He looked more like a Riggs. You know what?

Now I can't watch those films. Nothing, nothing any of those other actors has done, takes me... You know, has, will put me off those films, but that takes me out. That's what takes you out. That's what takes you out. Jesus. I'll tell you how I grew up. When I grew up, I was never quite sure, hey, wait, what am I?

Like, I knew that my, I wasn't quite sure, are we middle class? Are we upper middle class? We live in this neighborhood that is a nice street, but then there's, there's public housing over here. I go to public school, meaning in a good way. And my, later talked to my dad about it. My dad said, I always liked that it wasn't quite clear what we were. Like we're Irish Catholic kids, but we don't play hockey.

We're kind of nerds. My friends are, are, are, you know, across the spectrum. I just didn't have this quite this solid sense of who I was. I think in a good way. And I think that helped me. I think that almost helped me. I don't know if you had a similar experience. I had a similar experience.

And I'm not trying to make the, what is the background? What's the cauldron, the social cauldron that has to have the right ingredients to make comedians? There's only one. So you better get it right. Yeah. But I had, I also did not have a sense that we were lower middle class or middle class. I didn't understand that.

And I lived in an extremely diverse neighborhood in Detroit, which is, which is, at the time I was born was surprising. A city where 80% of the people were African-American, but I lived in a neighborhood where we had Asian neighbors and gay neighbors and black neighbors and white neighbors. And I'm, you know, I'm biracial. My parents were an interracial couple. And so I had a very similar background in that way. And, and we were, but we were sheltered to a certain degree.

I went to a Catholic school about private Catholic school. Catholic school. Okay. I'm, I'm, I was raised diehard Catholic, an altar boy, choir, guitar, mass, the whole nine year. I did all that stuff when I, when I was a kid. And, and that it's informed a lot of how I see the world and everything like that. But I went to high school.

I went to high school in the suburbs. It's a very fun fact. My local high school that I would have gone to would have been, would have been Mumford High School, which is where Jerry Bruckheimer went to high school. Jerry Bruckheimer is a Detroiter and it is the T-shirt that Axel Foley used to wear in the, in the movie, in the Beverly Hills cap movies. Axel Foley, the character went to Mumford High School, which means Axel Foley would have grown up in my neighborhood.

But a little fun fact. The original name for Axel Foley was Axel Schlittenstlaup. True story. They also shot a whole nine weeks. Nine weeks. That's right. This is a cuckoo clock. From the Düsseldorf Schlittenstlaup.

Not the ones from Bob and Bob. I am from Detroit and I don't understand your strange Beverly Hills vase. You know, we're going to go a different way. We're going to go a different way with this. Yeah. Let's get it. Eddie, try it. Try it this way.

For Leipzig Steiner. I think we're going to change it from Foley in Steiner just to Foley. We're just going to go with Foley, if you don't mind. You're cool with that, Jerry. No, I'm just kidding. I also had that kind of an upbringing. My parents were social workers. I didn't, maybe halfway through high school, I kind of went, oh.

Well, even in grade school, I had a couple of friends who lived in a very affluent neighborhood called Palmer Woods and they lived just one neighborhood south of us. But again, it was affluent African-Americans and a few white people that lived in that neighborhood at the time. I don't understand that they had more money than us, but I never thought we wanted for anything. Well, that's the other thing. Yeah.

I mean, like that sense that there are people, I think, that grow up in communities where they're hyper aware. Yes. Of we don't have money or also on the other side of the spectrum, I get a BMW when I'm 16. When I'm 16. And I just always, I could never quite get a bead on, do we have anything? I mean, my dad's a research scientist and my mom went back to work later.

And, you know, we live in a nice house. My dad got a used car from a motel and didn't paint over the insignia of the motel on the side. Really? That's what I'm driving when I learn how to drive. Really? Ford LTD that says pine, like, manor in on the side and has it from Maine. And I'm just not clear on, like, what's going on here.

Was it also his car? Yeah. It was the family car. It was the family car. Yeah. And people would, and my mother was horrified. My mother was always trying to be proper. And people thought there was a big homeless shelter downtown in Boston that sounded very

similar to the name of this motel. Oh, to Pine Valley Grove. Yeah, whatever. And so my mother would, so people used to say, like, oh, so you work at the homeless shelter. And my mother would be like, we do not work at the homeless shelter. And I'm like, just got to have someone just paint over, paint anything over that. Yeah. Even just black paint.

Just go with a matte bondage. And just say you got hit symmetrically on both sides in the exact area. Very precise hit. But I liked, I later on was talking to my dad about it. And he said, I always thought it was good that you kids didn't have this fixed idea about what we were, meaning I just had no idea. Because then it still allows you, it allows your imagination to roam a bit. I think it doesn't, it doesn't allow you to think I'm only going to be able to be this

or that. Right. So even, even, even if the encouragement wasn't necessarily there all the time, I just, I thought to myself, my parents had a wide enough view and I got to go to my friend's house and watch television on their parents' TVs and see what records they collected. You know, I didn't, my parents were not big music people, but I, it was nice to live in an area where I felt, I still guess I felt a little bit like I knew what I could do. Like I could, I knew I was going to college.

That, that was a good thing. That was something I learned later in life too is that, oh wow, everybody doesn't go to college, but they were kind of hell bent that there was, that we were going to college. Right. You knew that that was it. I knew that that was something. I knew it was something I was working toward. I was going to go to college.

But then I, yeah. So I think there is, when there's a common, there is a commonality to those, to those environments that we grew up in. And also you get to learn, you get to spend time in different, in different strata's. I didn't feel uncomfortable, I didn't feel as uncomfortable around people who had less money than us, but I felt very uncomfortable with being around people who had more money than us. Eventually.

Eventually. But when I was younger, I, I don't, I probably had more awareness of it than you did maybe in some degree. Sure. Yeah. I think more awareness than you did. Because did you, did you feel Conan that you have this sense that, that I can do anything or I'll be able to be, I mean, where did you know you could be a, that you're like,

oh, comedy writing is a job. That came really late. I mean, at school. In college, I started, I didn't realize it was a profession. Me either. And, and, and I'm sure you didn't either. And so many of us. And I think now because of the way things have changed, there are kids who at six have

a real, they have 800,000 hours of sketches that they've put up on, on YouTube. Yeah. And their parents aren't in the industry. Their parents are not in the industry. Right. Exactly. And I used to just think, well, I can't. I live in Boston.

I can't be in show business. That's me too. I live in Detroit. I can't be in show. I, I didn't say it on the show because I didn't want to take, I wanted us to get kind of through the topics. Right. But I remember, see, my dad was a very stoic guy.

So watching my father laugh so hard, the thing that made him, that really got him was Eddie Murphy impersonating Stevie Wonder. Oh yeah. That's what really got my dad. And, and, but I was just like, so what was I, what was I, 12? I was 11 or 12, 10, 11, 12 at his heyday because he was there from 80 to 84, Eddie was. And I remember going, well now, no, I guess they pay him for that. Like that, that's probably a, that, my brain understood that's a job.

Like that, that has to be his job. Could I do that job? Yeah. I mean, that's why, that's kind of what I was alluding to is that he's, he is in a way responsible. He's the, because of him I got into Richard Pryor, because of him I got into Peter Sellers. And I went, that's a job, that's on television. I know they, I know they pay people.

I still don't think it's a job. Like I do it and it's a very hard thing to describe. We do this, we do work really hard, but I, whenever I'm flying somewhere and they want me to fill out a card and it says occupation, I don't know what to write. And I'm being, I don't, because I don't want to write entertainer, because that feels, that feels really highfalutin, and also if I wrote entertainer, I'd have to, I'd like write entertainer parentheses at times, meaning I can be entertaining. I know I can.

Right. And then there are other times where I'm less so, but they don't want you to write all that on the low line. No, they don't. The line's not that long. I mean, it's usually about three inches tops, that line. I can turn a line of whimsy to my advantage. Sir, can you please just write one thing?

Hold on. I'm not done yet. Maker of frippery. Maker of linguistic frippery. If the conditions are correct. If the conditions are correct. Print this comma. And the conditions do need to be correct.

Comma. Comma. Then I'll bring you mirth. I shall bring you mirth. You know, but yeah, I'm, I find the whole thing, I find it to be magical that we're in this. It really is. I'll say this, uh, as a way of, of, of, because I'm, I gotta bring this ship in, uh, into

port. You know, we're, we're the ship. The conversation is a ship. Well, it is. It is. And it needs to go into port. It has to go into port. Because there's a lot of, uh, it's not to refuel.

There's a lot of, uh, shit that it's built up. We're definitely wet docking. And we need to. And then you have to clean the barnacles. And then you have to offload. We have to offload the, the feces. And, uh. It's good because I'm looking at my watch and, I gotta go.

Come on, Billy Dee, please, this is an important scene, you're the, this is where you turn, you turn your, you turn against, you stick up for the rebellion in this scene. It's a key scene. We've gotta get it. I'm sorry, George. What did you say? I was looking at Kevin. What's this white guy's name behind me with the machinery on his bald head?

Okay. We don't know. Who's that guy? Who's the, I just have a question, who's the two-legged seven-foot wolf? And am I supposed to understand what he's saying? Sounds like he's coughing. What's the name again? It's Chewbacca.

All right. Chewbacca. No, no. One more time. I'll get it. I'll lock it in. One more time. Chewbacca.

Chewbacca. Perfect. Absolute joy. Oh, my God, this was... No, no, really. This is an absolute joy having you here and one of the magical things about this podcast is getting to say, man, what I love to just hang out with, and seriously, what I love to hang out with Key Michael Key and just screw around and then that will go out into

the world. The world gets to see that. Yeah. I mean, it's like... Oh, no, they definitely don't see it with their ears. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, I made it. The whole show without swearing.

Can you cut that? We're going to add swears. We're going to add swears. We're just going to add, and it's going to be clearly not even you. Yeah, exactly. Right around when I said 50 cent words, like when I said quotidian. Quotidian. That's a good...

Fucking. I'm just going to lay them in. Quotidian fucking. You mean boring intercourse? Quotidian fucking. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

This was fantastic. And it's a nice, warm room. These people in this room, they seem to be having a good time. Well, you know what? It's great. No one fakes it here. It's good. Because many times I've been...

I thought I'd been really funny, and I get nothing over here from the stand. They don't care. They don't care. They don't give it up. It's good. It's good. You don't need the yes men and women. You don't need the yes people.

Nope. I would kill if you were a yes people. Oh, you're sorry. Thank you so much, sir. I salute you. I salute you. Who feels like a voicemail? I do.

You know what? Sometimes you talk like a child therapist. Well, yeah, because I'm dealing with an ill child. You sound great. Who feels like a voicemail? Excellent. Much better. I do.

Will. Play the one about socks. Hello, Chapa. I'm so sorry. My name is Fiona. I think you're the coolest person ever. And my question is, what is your opinion with something with socks on? Okay.

That's all. All right. You're awesome. Bye. Hey there, Chapa. Fiona. Thank you so much, Fiona, for picking up on... That's the way a long time ago I realized you don't have to know people's names.

You can just call everybody Chapa. And so I just do, and people accept it. It's the craziest thing. It's Sony, you're with me all the time. And I'm like, people go like, hey, Conan, be like, hey there, Chapa. And people are fine with it. They're just like, hey, Conan O'Brien called me Chapa. Yeah.

So, you know, that's working for me anyway. We'll never know when I've lost my mind. Because the simple test is, do you know everyone's name around you? And I don't. But thanks for pointing that out. Yes, sleeping with socks. I run hot. I run real hot.

And always have. I've got a high metabolism. So I'm always burning up. And so I can't wear socks when I go to sleep. I'm fine if someone else does it. But I personally can't. What, you're not cool with it? I'm not cool with socks.

What do you mean? In a bed. It makes me, I don't like it. Oh, you think it's like unhygienic or something? No, it's not. Well, that's part of it. Oh, also not sexy. Like if I was with someone for the first time.

Yeah. And there was going to be some sexualisms. I would not be wearing socks, obviously. Because it's very asexual to wear socks in that situation, I think, you know. We're going to do it. And then swish, swish, swish as you walk up to the bed. I'm naked now, except for my ankles down. And I'm coming to ravage you.

Swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish. Climb into the bed now. Static electricity. So no, I think it's a mistake there. Do you announce what's happening as you're doing it? And is that what asexualism is? It's called my sexualism. I'm going to come in the bed now.

Now, I always like to narrate when I'm in a sexual mood. And so that's what I do. As I say to my wife, or when I was single, any lucky winner. I'd say, here I come. And yeah, it's just not a good time to be wearing socks. But I think if you're in a long, committed relationship, if your testosterone level has dropped, if you're ending that long dormant phase of your life,

where it's just the long slide in the grave, you can wear socks if you like. I don't like it because I get too hot. And were I to put socks on, I think my temperature would spike to about 140 degrees. I think huge amounts of heat pour out through my toes in the night. Like beams, laser beams shooting out of each one. So no, I reject the idea of socks in the bed. And that's my personal stance.

Fiona, curious to hear what your thoughts are. And you can always call us back. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

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