Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Kevin Hart

Episode Date: November 23, 2020

Actor and comedian Kevin Hart feels extremely blessed about being Conan O’Brien's friend.Kevin sits down with Conan to talk about the importance of taking care of the body, molding an environment for future success stories, and walking in fear at the highest levels of achievement. Later, Conan doubles down on one of his most hilarious jokes. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Kevin Hart, and I feel extremely blessed about being Conan O'Brien's friend. My God, I love that. I love that you would say that against your will. Well, you told me to repeat after him. That's what he said, so I just said what he said. Hello there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast, Ponzi scheme, whatever you want to call it. We're having a really good time, joined here by my friends, Matt Gorley, Sonam of Sessian.

Hello. Hi, Conan. Good to see you all. This is an interesting episode, not just because we have an incredibly talented superstar guest on the show today, and by that, I mean myself. No, Kevin Hart will be joining us. We'll get to him in just a bit, and just really, just perfection when it comes to comedic performances, but I need to talk first about something that's going to be happening in

today's episode that's very different, because today is the episode where we reveal whether or not you won a golden ticket. I wish I understood this better, so Matt Gorley, feel free to jump in and explain it to me. I teed it up last week. I was told to, you know, when they put peanut butter on a horse's lips, and then it smacks away and they add, you know, human speaking, and it looks like the horse is speaking, that's what they did to me last week with golden ticket. I didn't quite understand it.

They put peanut butter on my lips, but I said it, and I do think it's a good idea. Some lucky people are going to get a chance to maybe have a virtual meeting with me. It might even be on the podcast. It's very exciting, but I don't understand how this works. Matt Gorley, can you explain the engineering of the golden ticket? Yes. You are Willy Wonka. You're just like Willy Wonka.

And this podcast episode is just a sad, lonely man. I didn't want to say it. Exploits laborers? Yes. Uh-huh. No incredible health violations all over the place? Yeah. Brutal to his employees.

Yeah. Brutal to his employees. Dirty rivers of chocolate and nougat everywhere with animal hair and feces in them. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. And so this podcast episode is like a Wonka bar, meaning you'll get one and one, two, three, might have a golden ticket in it. And what that means is some individual people will hear an announcement that says they are

a winner. Hint, listen to the ads. And then there are instructions in that announcement on how they can sign up to win to meet you. So people are, I assume they listen to the ads anyway. I always listen to the ads because I care about the American economy. People do listen to the ads in this because you often have such funny moments and... Well, mine are wildly unprofessional. Yeah.

We lose ads all the time. We hemorrhage advertisers. I know. We lose so many advertisers because I refuse to say what I'm supposed to say to sell the product. And listen, I feel like that's my job. You know what I mean? I'm the bull.

This is the China shop. That's what's supposed to happen. But if you listen to the ads today, you'll hear me give one of or two of you or whatever. If you hear a message, how does that work? How does some of them hear it and some of them will not hear it? We're using something called dynamic insertion, which is usually used for advertising. And so a client can buy 100,000 ads and it goes into 100,000 episodes, but we can set it for a super low number and that way only special listeners get that.

You'll hear a little horn fanfare if you're the winner. This sounds dirty to me. It sounds like it really does. I wanted this podcast to be pure and now it's, we've got some dynamic insertion. Well, it can't be that dirty because it's advertised by State Farm. We should know. Oh, I love State Farm. Yeah.

State Farm is great. They have a lot of agents. They've got a lot of agents. Yeah. No, no. It's amazing how many insurance agents State Farms has. And whatever number you think it is in the United States, way more than that. Whatever number you come up with, it's much, much more than that.

God bless you, State Farm. I don't remember the number. 19,000. Yeah, 19,000. You said it 45 times. Okay. You just gave me two numbers to remember now, 45 and 19,000. This is the nicest you've ever been to a sponsor.

Well, listen, I'm nice to them because what I always look for in any advertiser is how many people do you have in the field? I do. That's important to me. And it's the first question I ask. So if Burt's Bees comes along and says, do you want to promote Burt's Bees, lip balm? I go, hey, Burt's Bees. How many agents you got in the field?

And they go, agents, that's not really applicable to Burt's Bees, lip balm. And they go, yeah, sounds like a lot of malarkey to me. What about State Farm? They have over 19,000 agents, which I would suggest at the risk of angering State Farm is too many. I think they've got agents selling other agents insurance. Like if you wreck a car, they send 20 people over. Yeah.

If you get into a fender bender, 65 people are going to come running out and just swarm your car. And they'll all be State Farm agents trying to help you. But anyway, yeah, dynamic insertion, robots, I've done my best to keep this thing pure. But evil forces like Adam Sacks, Matt Gorely have conspired to insert robotics into my pure artistic form. Robot masters. I have no idea what it is, right?

I still don't know what I'm talking about. To be honest, I don't either. Dynamic insertion sounds like a robot got fresh with me, you know what I'm saying? Well, if you're lucky. Listen. What is wrong? I don't know, but you've got to listen to the whole listen to all those ads, kids. Because one of you or more of you, actually a couple of you are going to hear a special

pop and then you're going to hear, will it be a robot voice or my voice? You already recorded the announcement. No, I have no memory of this. You recorded it. I recorded it already. Oh my God, what's happened to me? I don't know. I've just completely lost my mind.

I have no memory of this. You really are like a horse with feet and butter. Who dressed me this morning? I can't wait. I don't even know who dressed me. The winner is going to get to come visit you in a nursing home. The winner gets to feed me soup. Do I know you?

Yes. Yes, Conan. I'm a big fan. I won through dynamic insertion. This soup is hot. Soup's too hot. Blow on it. Oh my God.

You should probably go now. Mr. O'Brien needs his nap. But I won a contest. I did. I won a contest. Through dynamic insertion, you really have to go, you're upsetting him. Why is Mr. O'Brien wearing a Napoleon hat? He liked him to think he's Napoleon.

It makes him feel better. Time to go fight in the battle of Waterloo. This soup is hot. Anyway, the point is, listen to the show. I hope you win. You'll get to meet me and explain to me why you're meeting me, because I forgot. No, I really do think this will be fun. Let's go for it.

Yay, State Farm. Okay. Now that we've established that I'm suffering from rapid neurological decline, let's get to my guest today, an absolutely hilarious comedian and actor. God, you know him from everything. He's in everything and he's great in everything. Such movies as Ride Along, Jumanji, Welcome to the Jungle, and Think Like a Man. His stand-up tours have sold out arenas around the world.

Now he has an audiobook, The Decision, available on Audible. Very excited he's with us today, a gentleman, an absolutely fine fellow, and hilarious. Kevin Hart, welcome. Kevin, you are just back from a workout and you're sweating. Yes. And what are you working out all the time for? You're in amazing shape and I find it irritating. It's all about the naked walk away in the bedroom.

That's what it's about. It's about the naked walk away. My fear is walking away naked and hearing, oh, God, that's my fear. So I'm trying to keep everything intact so that I never hear, oh, God. Well, let me tell you, as someone who hears that all the time, it's not that bad. You get used to it. After a while, it's okay. After a while, you just don't even hear it anymore.

And my wife is very vocal about the fact that I look awful. I've got a sickly, flat, white ass with little freckles on it and everything's messed up back there. I've got a little tuft of orange hair in the small of my back that I've never ever trimmed. And at this point, it's about eight inches long. There you go. Good for you. No, man.

You know what? Honestly, man, I'm in love with just trying to give myself the best opportunity to be around for a long time. So everything that I can do to help that, I'm going to do. And the things that I can't control, of course, I can't. But I like eating healthy. I like working out. I like being active.

I like the fact that I'm 41. I feel 30. Those are the things that are bonuses for me. Good for you. Thank you, man. I applaud you. I applaud what you're doing. Thank you, man.

I am 57. People tell me like I look like a 74-year-old woman, a Dutch woman. Yeah, there you go. There you go. Who tends to her flowers. And that's because they think that you have hair running down your back, but they don't know. It's actually in the small of your back.

They don't know. You know what I do? I comb it forward now. It's gotten so long that I take my low back hair and I comb it forward. And it adds, I just saw, I think I just saw your trainer walk by. He just walked by. That better be your trainer. It's your trainer or your lover.

I don't know who it was. It was my trainer. I can tell you that was my trainer. He has no respect for any work that I'm doing. You know, we're on quarantine together. So his whole thing is trying his best to be seen. I mean, it's really annoying. I call him a mammoth.

A mammoth. A walking mammoth is what I call him. I can't believe he would have the nerve. He must have known you're talking to the Conan O'Brien on a podcast. He probably shit himself when he heard that. No, I actually told him this morning. He said he didn't give a shit. I told him, I said, hey man, you know I got Conan this morning.

He was like, who the fuck is that? And that's when I was like, you know Conan. He's like, no, I really don't. And I went down all the things that you've done. He still didn't know. So you really went into detail about all the stuff. Did you show him any photos? Yeah.

I showed him the photo. I showed him the thing that we did for my movie promos. He was like, never seen it. And I was like, whatever. Sounds like you were very thorough with him. And he still has no clue. I made sure that I was like very accurate with my description of you, what you've done, why you're successful, why you're a friend to me, why I'm a fan of you.

He didn't care. Didn't care. No, he didn't care. You put a lot of time into trying to explain to him who I am and I appreciate that. Yeah, whatever. It is what it is. It is what it is. You know, look at you eating egg whites.

You're eating egg whites right now as you talked to me, which I find both inspirational and disrespectful. What do you mean? At the same time, that's hard to do. Why are you not like the yolk? There's nothing wrong with the yolk. You can have the yolk. I just told you I'm in love with a healthy lifestyle and you're questioning me about

why I'm eating egg whites. It's because it's healthy. The yolk is healthy, too. The yolk is healthy. I don't want it, Conan. Don't tell me what to eat. I don't want the yolk. I don't want to eat the yolk.

Eat it! Eat the yolk! I don't want the yolk. You eat the yolk. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to send you 900 yolks and I want you to eat one a day. That's ridiculous. I'm not eating the yolk.

I don't want the yolk. I have spinach in my egg white with a hint of pepper and some avocado on the side. And to wash it down, I have a green juice that has some ginger and some lemon, cayenne pepper in it, which is good for my digestive system. These are things that I've learned over the course of time. Yeah. Yeah. You've turned into like Jack LaLaine, you know?

It's an old reference. The kids won't know what I'm talking about. But there was a guy who- I know Jack LaLaine. I know you probably know him, but Jack LaLaine was this little man that was a health expert back in the 40s and 50s and 60s. And he would eat the same stuff. And guess what? He used to get in the water and tow a bunch of tugboats every year with a rope in his

teeth and he lived to be like 110. So it works. It actually works. It does. I mean, look, Jack LaLaine is somebody that I think, like you said, they're going to have to do a lot of research on, but you're going to see a lot of clips that are just unnecessary that had nothing to do with fitness. Like the one you just said, tugging boats with your teeth, not really a justification

of being in shape. It's just a strong jawline. There's no reason to be doing that. It's just a strong jawline. Yeah, exactly. Well, he had a fucked up jaw because of it and you could never, later in life, you could never understand what he was saying because his jaw was all messed up from pulling boats. And you'd be like, you'd be like, what's the secret to a healthy life?

You shouldn't have pulled the boat. Yeah. There it is, Jack. Maybe that's why your jaw hurts. That's exactly what it is. Let me start by complimenting you. Thank you. You are, and I've said this to people because I've worked with you a bunch of times.

We've done different remotes together. We've shot different things together many times over the years, and I always say the same thing. I've never seen anybody, obviously you have God given talent and a lot of it, but we both know that doesn't get you, that gets you someplace, but not far. Nobody works harder. I see you. I see your brain working constantly to think of, how could I make this funnier?

What could we do now? How can I increase the energy? How can I create an environment where funny things will happen? Nobody is dedicated to that like you. Thank you, man. Nobody that I've worked with. Thank you. Here's the part where you tell me what's good about me.

All right. Well, let me do it. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm serious. Here you go. I think that you, out of all of the hosts that I've ever worked with, and I've worked with them all.

Name it. I've been with them. I have never seen a person read, no, wait a minute, I have never seen, when you come out, just give me a second. I'm reading. Okay. When you come out, you, no, that's not you. Scratch on what I'm about to say because this is scratching.

That's Colbert. You think it's Colbert? I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry. I got a thing after this and this is a, forget it, forget it, go back to what you were doing. Go back to what you were doing. Sorry.

Forget it. Spoken from the heart, everything spoken by the heart from the heart. You know what I wish? I wish when I go and God knows I'm going to go, I want you to give the eulogy and get up and do that and go, the thing about Conan, wait, wait, that's not Conan. Hold on a sec. Hold on. The thing about, no, that wasn't him either.

I got a couple of funerals today and then I got three funerals today and then just wander off. Go. I don't know. I don't know. No, I am serious. People don't realize, and this is something, there are a lot of comedy fans that listen to this and I want them to know that comedy is all about creating the right conditions

for comedy to happen in a moment. And you can't make it happen unless the conditions are right and every time I've been with you, I see you, you immediately change, you create an environment where something really funny not only can happen, but will happen. It just will happen because your energy is off the charts and your instincts. You're constantly monitoring the situation and saying, okay, if Conan went left, I'm going to go right. If the energy is over here, I'm going to go that way to help counteract that energy and

add to it somehow. It's very difficult to understand, but, or it's to explain. It's not difficult to understand. No, I think you're doing a great job of it. I mean, look, I feel, I feel that comedy is reactive, right? And you, like you said, you've been in comedy for 30 years and you've been all around it from writing, from performing, from hosting, and you've been jousting all that time because you can't always be in the lead.

And if you have that mindset and you think like that in comedy, well, you know, you're funny is going to have a time limit on it. So what I learned and what I've held on to and I always gravitate towards is things are funnier when, when the entire thing is good. If one person stands out and one person is just funny, well, it's not going to do the project or the, the project, the sketch, the monologue, there has to be an effort of making all of your surrounding counterparts just as good because the straight man shines, well, then the funny guy shines even more.

And sometimes the funniest guy can become the straightest guy. So, so I've learned that and I'm always on that balance beam. And with you from the times where I was a guest on your show to the times where we've done our sketches together, I think there's always been an amazing, an amazing display of a ping pong match going back and forth and allowing each other to hit the ball. There's never an ego involved of I need, I want, I have to. It's always an understanding of how do we make this the best thing possible? Yes.

You always walk into a situation with a lot of humility. You're just there as a person who wants to try and make it funny. You're not there as a guy that's played the biggest arenas in the world or had, you know, been in the biggest movies. You're not coming into it with any of that. I remember we shot something. I shot something with you. I think this was your idea where we work out with sumo slurs.

But it started with us going to a diner and you went in there and you were just, I mean, you could have been starting out for all anyone would know. You walked into that diner. A lot of people there, they're freaking out. You were just focused on, okay, I'm sitting in a diner at a counter with Conan and we're going to try and make this thing funny. And so you would do funny things, but you would also, if I did something stupid, react to that.

I always liken it to, there really is a thing with music where I play amateur guitar. But if you're playing with a guitarist, if they're playing low on the neck, you go up high on the neck to blend in. You don't play the same thing. And I sense you doing that all the time. You're constantly, your ethic is absolutely unparalleled. Thank you, man. I've been very lucky from all of the projects that I've done, the co-stars that I've had,

the cast that I've had around me in various different movies, television, there's always been a high level of generosity from everybody to give. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that giving, without that understanding, without knowing that if you don't set me up right, well, I can't hit the ball. And then if I catch the ball, I got to throw it back to you. So let me make sure that it's a good pitch or a good throw. I've always been able to do that. And I think because of that, the projects have succeeded.

I think the best person that I've worked with that didn't was such an amazing level where I sat back and not only laugh, but I really dissected everything this individual did was Will Ferrell. When me and Will Ferrell did get hard. I looked at that as a comedy school over the course of two and a half months. I have never seen improv done at this level. Whatever the scene was, Will knew the scene. And if he went for the funny, he knew how to get back to the scene.

He knew how to get back to the moment. He knew how to get back to the purpose. And when he and I were going back and forth in certain things, we had a time clock. We both had a mental time clock of how long? We've been in this for about 15 seconds. Okay, let's get back to the scene. Put the button on it. And there was always a button and there was never a thing that ran on too long.

That's where the real talent within the craft is put on display. And when I watched Will Ferrell do it, I said he's where he is because of him knowing how to do this because there's no way for anything that he does to really be bad. Even if it's a bad thing and people may not be a fan of the movie or whatever, you can't be mad at the effort and ability to find a laugh. There's a lot of people that would say, well, Kevin Hart's, he's just funny. Will Ferrell's just funny. So they have that and aren't they lucky.

And what they don't understand, I mean, it's work ethic, I think is part of it. And it's also instinct. But someone like Will, you have it too, but I know exactly what you're talking about with Will. He always knows what he's going for. He's got a really quick mind. And if you're improvising with him, he knows exactly what he's doing and he's put some thought into it.

He's not just winging it and he's also talented enough to make it amazing. But I think a lot of people don't understand and maybe because it's not sexy to say, it's just not sexy to say, yeah, Will has talent, Kevin Hart has talent, but then they put in this enormous amount of work and thought. Well, a lot of people don't want to hear that. Because it's not, who wants to hear that? It's like, you know, I want to be a great musician. Well, you got to go, you got to practice for thousands of hours.

Well, that's no, I just want to be a rock god, you know. I have an amazing comparison for you. We were having a discussion with me and some of the comedian friends on our radio show. And the discussion was based around people not understanding the maturity that comes within comedy, right? Like, like there's a there's a crazy movie that that people love to watch and that movie is the rise and then the fall of individuals, right? So with comedians, there's always a big thing of, oh my God, he's the funniest, funniest,

funniest. And then there's a thing of many not funny no more. He's not funny like he used to be, right? I remember when Kobe Bryant started playing with his back to the basket, rest in peace to NBA legend. I remember when LeBron James started playing with his back to the basket when Michael Jordan started playing with their back to the basket. They were still the best basketball players on the planet, but they learned how to be

the best with less effort and less work so that they can last for long, right? They started to learn how to take care of their body and execute and score efficiently without doing the things that they did when they were older, hence, I mean younger, hence with comedians. There was a period with comedians where you got no problem flying across the stage, falling on the floor, being as physical and energetic as possible, because that's the thing. You're young, you're ready at this, but then as you start to get more polished, you gain more knowledge about the art of joke telling. The same thing with comedic acting.

You gain more knowledge and understanding of how to make a scene actually flow. So when you talk about that poised side of it, eyewitness Will Ferrell at a mature stage in his career, show how polished he was with an understanding of dissecting a scene from front to end and giving you the funny where you needed it, not necessarily where you wanted it. That to me is when you become an engineer of the craft. Right. You put in the hard work, you dedicate yourself, and then later on you learn to be more efficient.

So I can look at me, I can look at a tape from me from 27, 28 years ago, and I see myself working, and it's hard for me to watch. But then I can watch myself later on, and I want you to take away from this that I just look at old tapes of myself all the time, and I make the kids watch it too. And I'm just wearing boxers, and I'm like, get in here, see, see what I did, and they're crying, and my wife's like, enough, enough, I swear to God we're leaving, I packed, and I'm like, good day to you, look at me. No, you're absolutely right.

It is about, and it's the same analogy again with sports, with music, it's trying to figure out a way to conserve. I mean, it really does apply to you. You famously have incredible energy. You're a machine, but you also know you'd like to be doing this when you're 85, if that's possible. I mean, I don't want to see it when you're 85. Wow.

It's going to be... It's going to be a couple stools. A couple stools. A couple stools. Just you sitting on some stools? A couple stools. Probably an IV drip, IV drip on the stage, a nurse whip me to wipe my mouth every so often if I can't feel, if I can't feel the spit, you're hired to just make sure I'm not spitting

myself up here. That's all I care about. Mr. Hart. That's what you're giving Hart. Drew, live. Just to make my special... Still drooling. Still drooling, giving Hart.

Why is he in an arena? He's just sitting on a stool. It doesn't make any sense anymore. No entrance. There's no entrance at all. I'm just on a hospital bed on stage. I ain't dead yet. And you're just yelling at people.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. A applause? To see applause lights going? Unnecessary special effects on stage.

I still got the fire here. That's not safe. Do you know what I love too is if the camera's doing all that stuff where they shoot you in concert where the camera's on a crane and it's spinning around above you. It's all that but you're in a bed... I'm barely moving and yelling at people and drooling and the camera and everything and then they come out and put a different leather suit on you

and then the camera's spin around again and you're like, it hurts. Yeah. I still, and I got on like just a weird, a weird leather top. You can tell I don't have pants on. It's just a leather, it's just a leather top. So cause you only see my top I have

from the medical bed I'm in. But this is what I wanted one last go around. My die hard fans, my die hard fans are still there. So a fan of 30 and a 15,000 seat arena. I got 30 people. Just tiny little pockets of people sitting way far away from each other, you know, I'll be there. I love it.

I'll check it out. Where do you think you got this? You have like a nuclear fuel. Like it's, I imagine it's almost like Tony Stark. It's like you've got this thing in your chest that's burning away with nuclear fuel. That is one of your superpowers. It's not all of it, but it's one of them.

This dynamo that's inside you, do you know where that comes from? I'm gonna tell you, man. And this is gonna blow your mind because it just hit me this year. This pandemic, this conversation of systemic racism, all of the stuff that there's been murmurs and conversations, but the focus hasn't been as loud as it's been this year.

It hit me now that the reason why I'm always trying and always looking for more, trying to create more is it was a fear of it being taken away, right? It was a fear of somebody gonna come and take this away. It's impossible to last forever. There was a fear that I'm not supposed to be here and that I'm lucky and fortunate to be here, right? It's like, I hit the ball out the park.

Oh my God, look at me. I'm a shooting star. And when you look at it, it's only a certain amount of people of color that get these opportunities. So when you get these opportunities as black people, we're holding on for dear life because outside of the opportunity is what? So I'm trying to get as much off of the plate

and had been trying to get as much off of the plate to either create other opportunities or plan a flag of stability that can't be moved so that you're no longer in the space of mental fear of, damn, it's over, right? And that's a crazy thing because I swear to you, Conan, it just hit me. I said, oh my God, that's been my fear.

My fear has been this all being taken away because someone says, up, it's done. Up, it's over. And all the hard work and energy and effort that you thought was going to last ran out. Your shooting star went down. So how do I become a brand, a business, a entity, a IP? I mean, when I'm streaming service, a company,

a investor, how do I do everything and check it all off the box? So at the end of the day, I've built a brick house and when you go to blow this bitch ain't gonna fall. You may break the glass, but this house ain't gonna fall. How do I do that? Oh, I know how. I'm going to outwork everybody.

I'm going to run 100 miles per hour, 365 a year. And when I get to said age and I decide to sit down and drink my first gallon of water after running for so long, I'm gonna look back and all the things that have been accomplished and done are things that are hopefully gonna set my kids, my family, my next generations and generations to follow

with multiple levels of opportunity, multiple shots at success. And the success doesn't have to be entertainment, stardom, it's different levels. If I create the thing that I think that I'm doing, if I create this mobile machine with all of these different branches, well, there should be a lot of people

that come out with success stories from it. That's my real success. So if I do it correctly, my real success is not gonna be the star that I was. It's gonna be the stars that I made. That's my reason for this crazy battery in my back. And this pandemic, I swear to you, sitting in the house, having a conversation, I said, oh, shit.

I remember Chris Rock had a joke and I just laughed at the joke. It was funny, but now I understand the truth behind it. Chris Rock said he always kept a bag packed in his house by the door. He said, because he believed that one day, somebody's gonna come in and say, this shit ain't yours, it's over.

He said, because I'm the only guy in my neighborhood that's a star. Everybody else is just a regular person. Dennis, doctor, surgeon, principal, that's built schools, these are all just regular people. I'm the only astronomical star. No way that they're gonna let me stay here. And there was like a fear in the back of his head.

And that was a funny joke. We laughed, ha ha ha. But today it makes sense. I'll tell you a true story. It's a very vivid memory. Chris, back in the day, there was a period time where he was coming on our show and he had left Soundnet Live and he was,

I think he was a correspondent for politically incorrect with Bill Maher, I believe. And he'd come on and he'd come on as a guest. And then of course, he did his iconic comedy special that absolutely blew up. He'd come on and the crowd would be screaming 10 minutes before he came out. I'd be trying to get through the first 10 minutes

of the show, but the atmosphere was different because Chris Rock was in the building and he'd become such a huge star. And I remember he'd come on countless times and he was this huge deal. And almost every time he would come out, I'd say, ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock, he'd come out and they'd be going crazy.

He would always make a quiet comment to me just as we like shook hands or hugged before he sat down, which was, they're not onto me yet. You know, a comment that he would always say that. Now, no one could hear him, only I could hear him, but he must have said that to me three or four times. And it was always a different version of that, which is, well, okay, it's still happening for now

or they haven't come onto me, they're not onto me yet. Or, well, they don't know, still got him fooled, that kind of joke. And I could see him saying that to me, but his head is turned away from the crowd. They're going nuts and he's confessing to me exactly what you just said. And I remembered him saying it several times,

I don't know if it's all artists, I'm assuming it's all artists, but I know it's true about comedians. We all think I'm here but for the grace of God. And what you're talking about, which is something I cannot relate to, which is you add this race component, which complete, I think this whole moment

in the last six, seven months, really exploding starting with George Floyd and continuing through so many of these shocking events has been people like me, you don't understand that in the black community have perceived a slightly different America than the one that you perceive. And it's with us all the time.

And because it's with us all the time, we do think about some things differently. We perceive things differently. And it is, I guess, shocking to me, and I'll even admit, it's embarrassing to me that I haven't understood it as completely. Do you know what I mean? I didn't understand.

But here's the thing though, I'm gonna sit up here and admit I was aware, but with the light that's now shining, you're more aware, right? Because where I was, I was conditioned to deal. What I saw is what I knew. And what I knew is where I grew. This is it for me.

This is what it's gonna be. This is what life is supposed to be. I don't know anything else outside of this. So because I got the opportunity to get outside of it, when you get outside of it, you look back, this is when you start to go, holy shit. Oh, this is what people talk about. This is the racial divide.

This is the conversation. So when you're a part of that and you're gaining success, financial relationship, opportunity, well, the scramble to get it all is because you don't know how long it's gonna last. And that's what the white community has never truly understood. There's a safety net of longevity

that comes with opportunity. So the reason why, a me, a rapper, a young studio exec, A&R, that's trying to hustle to become a producer, signs 58 artists, 58 music artists in six months. And people are like, are you crazy? Hell no. I don't know how long they gonna let me stay here.

It's a fear of it's going to get taken away. It's not going to last. What some that are extremely privileged and blessed have been able to do, hence your Oprah, hence your Tyler, hence Puff, Jay-Z, Beyoncé. They've created these entities that now stand alone to where they've been able to onboard and hire and give opportunities and show so many

that had no idea what else was out there, what the possibilities can be. But you take these shooting stars away, well, how do these opportunities come? Right. And that's the part where now the education is being served on a dish that's got food good enough for people to eat and go, oh, okay.

Oh, I didn't know that this was here. I had no idea that this food was even on the side. I had no idea. So the conversation becomes, how are we now going to be conscious and improve? And what you just said shows that you're a part of the improvement. It's the understanding of, oh, I didn't know.

Oh, shit. Honestly, okay, I am embarrassed that I didn't know. That's the improvement. So how many can do that and how many moving forward will? Because then you understand the hustle. You understand Kevin's crazy drive. You understand why Kevin's filming a movie and touring at the same time

and trying to get to his office at 9 a.m. with his staff. You understand? Yeah. You understand why that's the attitude and the effort now. It's just a different way to look at it. I had this moment long before this current conversation. There's this guy that works on our show, Chris Hayes, who is, is he from, I think he's from Lompoc, is that right?

He is from Lompoc. He's from Lompoc and he's black. And I had this movie night and he came over and we were like sitting out having a beer before we're gonna watch the movie and eating some food. And he made some remark about coming to this neighborhood because I live on the west side of LA and I live in a nice neighborhood.

And I didn't understand. And I said, what do you mean? He said, you know, I just have to, when I drive into your neighborhood, I'm on my best behavior. And I stopped the conversation. I was like, why, what is it? And he said, well, I have to drive

because I know there's a good chance I'll get pulled over because I'm in a very different neighborhood. And I was, I'll say it again, I was embarrassed. I was, I felt some shame that that hadn't occurred to me. And then I realized, I think it's part of this conversation that I've been having with a lot of people is this whole idea that, so get over yourself. You were embarrassed, you didn't know,

or you didn't realize, obviously we all know there's racism, we all know that it's a big part of this art world, but when you hear, but wait, that's my friend. What do you mean? He's really, he has to have his driver's license ready. If he comes to my neighborhood, he has to be worried about getting pulled over.

I'm embarrassed now. And I'm ashamed. And one of the things that's come out of this is, so what, fucking get over yourself. Be embarrassed, you're paying a much smaller price than Chris Hayes is playing, paying, get over it and work on changing it. That's, I think part of what this conversation

has all been about. And I think what's so powerful about you saying this is that I'm telling you, Kevin, people look at you and think they just think you've got the world by the tail and that you've been blessed and you have been blessed in many ways, of course, but they don't understand that you feel that way. Oh, absolutely not.

They do not know that a Kevin Hart, because they otherize you. And I don't mean the otherize you in the racial way. They otherize you in that America takes successful people and turns them into gods. And so it's Kevin Hart. And Kevin Hart is just, oh, he's got it made. They do not understand what drives you.

They couldn't. They couldn't understand and they wouldn't and they also don't understand being where I am now, the ice that I have to walk on in this position. Just in ice. I'm walking on thin ice. So I'm not complaining about it. I'm very thankful.

I'm very happy for all of my success, but I'm walking on thin ice. There is no room for error for a black successful man. I'm sorry, there isn't. No, no. There isn't. And the world doesn't understand that and hasn't processed it.

Like, with what happened with me from tweets of old, you know, I did everything in my power to try to show that I was sorry remorseful. I mean, it took time. I don't know if it's still received or not received, but me trying to show the person that I am. And hey, this is guys, I'm still me. I'm the happiest person.

I love everybody. That took an amazing display of effort and energy to prove once again who I am. I have to go above and beyond to prove that because it's been compromised. Okay, well now that thing goes past. Well, Kevin messed up again. Guys, I never said I'm not gonna mess up.

The pressure of perfection is on me for what? Oh, that's right. Because we don't get these shots. So the ones that do, if you mess it up, then where's the next one? Because this one doesn't deserve it. That's the mindset. That's the attitude.

And that's something that the world has yet to truly identify with. So when I'm now in this position of quote unquote power, I'm a CEO. I'm a chairman of my company. I sit on the boards of several other companies. I'm a real fucking entity. I'm a real mogul.

But guess what? Anytime anything happens with me personally, well now I gotta worry about those that work underneath me. And there's hundreds of people. So now Kevin has to walk at the highest level of success in a piece of fear with his moves. Right. Because I can't, I can't.

I can't mess up. This is where my mindset is and has been. And now because of it, I just try to make sure I'm always doing the right thing. And if I finish my time in this business and I've maintained a level head and I've been able to do it, then God bless me. But if I didn't, oh well, then it wasn't meant to fucking be.

Like at the end of the day, you get one life. I get one life. And I got to live my goddamn life. Because when it's all said and done, I'm gonna look back at it. And if I'm not happy or if I wasn't happy, and if my family wasn't happy, then we didn't do it right. We didn't do it right. But the pressure that comes with the attempt of,

well, holy shit Conan, we're talking about a different one. Yeah. We're talking about a different level of pressure. And that's the part that people just aren't aware of. But I love it. I stand up to pressure. I've stood up to it all this time. I take it head on.

Take it head to fuck on. And there's nothing that can happen except you get knocked on your ass. And the beauty of that is you can see how it felt. But dust comes off. Yeah. Bruises heal. I've been bruised up a lot, buddy.

Yeah. I've been punched and kicked a lot. And also, I mean, talk about people not realizing. I don't know if a lot of people realize how badly you were hurt recently. My accident? In that accident, yeah. I couldn't wipe my ass.

Why didn't you call me? I'd have wiped your ass. I should have. I should have called you. You should have called me. I would have happily wiped your ass. I could not wipe my fucking ass, man. That's another piece of reality.

That's when, that's the reality. Is there a device? When you can't wipe your ass, is there a device you can get? You gotta fucking help button. You gotta help button. That's about it, man. The most humbling shit ever in the world

is not being able to wipe your ass and having an innocent look in your eye for help. That is the most humbling thing in the world. When I tell you, I have never been more appreciative of my wife in my life than when I need her. Was your wife swiping your ass? She wasn't happy about it. She wasn't happy about it, but she did it.

She was happy about it. I'd be very suspicious. You weren't happy about it. Yay! Goodie! It's ass-whipping time. She was like, why don't you let the nurse do it? I don't want a nurse do it.

I don't know. I don't like it. I want you to do it. So that had to be done for a while. But that's when I got punched in the face with more reality. You know, like this, like I built up this thing for so long

that I was in control. Me, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I got it. I'm doing it. I gotta make it. Me, me, me. That's what you think. Because you're doing so much.

You start to, ah, ah! You just knocked your egg whites over. I just knocked my goddamn egg whites over. Conan, that's why they want to do this shit. See? You know, if there was yolk in there, if there was yolk in there, the plate would have been heavier

and it wouldn't have flipped off the table. Damn it! Egg whites are too light. That's the problem. You might be onto something. You gotta have some yolks. Yeah, I gotta have some yolks. But you know, what's, what's, what's crazy is

you were micromilimeters away from being paralyzed for life. Very true. Doctor held his fingers up and they were a very small space. There was a small space. He said, that's how close you are from never walking again. Jesus Christ. That's how close.

He said, you're very blessed and fortunate. He said, because of my core strength, of course I say because of God first, but he said also my core strength played a major part in saving me from being paralyzed as well. But you know, that was, that was a moment where like life could have been over, man. Snap of a finger.

Bye bye life. But it's so funny when you say I, I, I, I, I, I, that is a trap I know that I've fallen into a lot, which is, I mean, when I'm in my office, the building says Conan on it and there's a thousand pictures of Conan inside and everyone's wearing a shirt that says Conan because I make them.

It's like, it's like Willy Wonka's factory. I just, I insist, I insist on it. It's a great move. And we actually make really good chocolate there. Not good comedy. It's a great move, great move. But you can get into this idea that I'm making all this happen

when you really gotta give it up for how many people around you are supporting you and that there's a limit to I, there's a limit to what we can do. We need help. And occasionally you do need someone to wipe your ass. I have not been in that situation. Well, I've had people do it

not because I can't wipe my own ass, but because I am just laziness. Yeah, you just insist. Yeah. You're not a morning person. I understand. We've had interns complain. There's been some lawsuits, but I say, look,

what's the point of having your name on the building if someone can't wipe your ass? Exactly. I'm there with you. I was trying to get college credit, you know? But no, I understand exactly what you're talking about and the other thing I wanted to say that you brought up that I thought was such a good point,

you've worked so hard to build a business and I'll tell you something, you could take some of the whitest, most racist, ignorant people in America who are in a bubble and I think it's just very American, but if you show them your spreadsheet and you show them how much money your company is making and how many people you employ,

the most racist person will be like, shit, you know? Would you like, I mean, it shouldn't be that way, but sadly it is. It is. It's beating them at their own game because we do. It's sad that it is. But it is, it is true. Money is the one thing, sadly, in America

that gets people to get over some of their prejudices because I think sadly in a lot of parts of our country, we respect that more. And it makes sense to me that you would wanna build a system where it's like, you know what, you've gotta respect that one day I'm gonna have a Fortune 500 company, you know what I mean?

You've gotta respect that, and it doesn't matter what prejudices you have and people who don't know that, yeah, okay, he's from Philadelphia and he used to sell shoes for a living before he got into comedy and he struggled for years and years and years and who are biased against the color of your skin once they see, fuck, look at this thing he's built.

I mean, it's sad, but it's true. At the end of the day, whether you're a fan of not, whether you're a fan of not, you're going to respect my effort, my attempt and my effort. And whether I get to that place of ultimate success, I'm at least going to set the blueprint, an example for the person behind me to do it better.

So my efforts, my push, my attempts, if I do come up short, which I doubt I will, because I don't lose, I don't fucking lose. I say that confidently, I do not lose. If I do come up short, I will have come so close that the next person is going to go, all I gotta do is this, and then make a right instead of that left.

That's all I gotta do. My moves in this business have not been astronomical, have not been genius. I have watched and studied so many and I have followed the path that so many have set before me. And getting to a certain place, okay, some have went this way and this way,

I'm going to try this way. I'm going to try to do this. That's how ground gets broken. That's how new success becomes a story. It's within the attempt. So right now my attempt is one that we're witnessing and some may see, some may not. That's not my business for you to be aware.

My business is in the business of implementing and planting a flag of opportunity. If I do that, then I did my job. I did my job. I've realized my purpose. I've realized my opportunity. And if I create more, well, I did it. So whether you like me or not,

you're going to have to respect it. You're going to have to respect it and go, holy shit, whether you like Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, Jay-Z Beyonce, all those names that I named before and there's so many more. Whether you like them or not, you have to respect what they did with their opportunity. They created more.

So if I can put myself in that conversation, then God bless me. Thank you. Well, I think you, well, first of all, I think you did. First of all, you put yourself in that conversation and my only wish for you because I do honestly really consider you a friend.

You're someone who I have a lot of admiration for as a person, as a comedian, but as a life force and a person. My wish for you is that you take 30 seconds every day to understand that you have done it and that you have some self-love every day to say, I did it. I did do it.

It has been done. You are continuing to do it, but honor that you did do it, Kevin. You know what I mean? It's not all in the future for you. And I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't the case that you felt like someone might take this all away from you,

but God, I think you've made that highly unlikely. You've really, I mean, I do not understand how someone could do that. This is why I love you. Because you are, because no one, I would never bet against you. You're the last person on earth I would bet against. You are undefeatable.

You're just, and I really admire you. I really have such great admiration for you. This is why I love you. You are a friend and the amount of respect that I have for you is just through the roof. And it's for so many more reasons outside of what you do. It's just the person that you are, man. So until hell and high water,

you forever got me for whatever you mean. And I mean that. All right. Well, I need a lot of money. Okay. And I need it now. Okay. No, I'm talking, I need like $6 million.

I fucked up. Well, let's talk about it. No, I need it in cash. I need it in cash. Listen, I'm gonna let you go. Yeah, let me go. And let's talk about it. I'm gonna let you go, but you know what I'm gonna do?

Yeah. I'm gonna have my people contact your people. All right. It's $6 million. All right, well, let's talk offline. I'm into some bad people. These are bad people, Kevin. And I need this fucking money.

All right, let's. And I need it now. And I know you've got it. No, let's just talk about it offline. And we'll see what we can come up with. I will never talk to this man again. All right. Hey, I love you, Kevin.

Love you too, man. Be well and stay well and try the yoke. Just a little yoke in the end next time. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. You know, there are a lot of people that ask me how accurate

is the depiction of your relationship, specifically with Sona that's that you hear on the podcast, meaning do we turn this on when we're on the podcast, but we're not this way most of the time. And I would say this is a fairly accurate representation, but I had an example of something that happened at the day that's just a perfect example of, I think, how we are in the real world.

I'm terrified. No, you shouldn't be terrified. Okay. It's actually, we taped our show, which we do at the Largo Theater. Yes. The television show. So many shows now.

I have a puppet show. I have a Cirque du Soleil show. There's so many versions of Conan now. Cirque du Soleil show? Yes. What do you do? I am the least limber member of the Cirque du Soleil. Just an aerial Conan.

Yeah, everyone else is spinning and twisting and then I'm in a chair and I slightly reclined the chair about eight degrees. Oh my God. Once we reclined it, the music was playing and we reclined it 14 degrees and I started screaming and they rushed me to. That's terrible.

So anyway, so many different shows now, but we did the television show at Largo Theater and then we were done and we thought let's go grab a bite to eat. So Son and I went and we went in the neighborhood to this Italian restaurant where you can sit out on the sidewalk. They're very safe there.

We could socially distance. Yeah. And I want to make that point. So we're sitting outside and it's right across the street from Cedar Sinai Hospital, which is a big hospital here in Los Angeles. And we're sitting there and we're waiting for our food when I saw two guys that work for the hospital.

They looked, they were EMTs and they were running down the street. One was at the front of a gurney. One was at the back of the gurney, but the gurney was completely empty. They were just rushing down the sidewalk with an empty gurney on wheels and they were pushing it really fast

and headed into the hospital entrance. And I pointed to it and I said, oh my God, Sona, the invisible man's been in a terrible accident. And it's so stupid. It's such a stupid joke, but Sona started laughing really hard. It's so stupid. And then I said, high-five that Sona

and Sona was laughing so she high-fived it and then our food comes and then we're eating our food and it's like, it's 10 minutes later. And I went, invisible man had an accident, right, Sona? And she went, yeah, yeah, no, that was really, that was funny, that got me. It's stupid, but it's really funny.

10 minutes ago. Then, then I'm, I'm, it's later, it's an hour later and I'm running errands and I call Sona on the cell phone and she's thinking, I'm gonna ask her to do something and she picks up and I go, invisible man had an accident, right? And she's like, what are you doing?

Yeah, I acknowledged it. Oh God. And then flash forward like three hours later, it's getting to be nighttime, four hours later, I text you in white, invisible man accident. And you were like, and then I can't stop. I've got to keep doubling down on the invisible man had an accident.

It was really funny the first time. Right, but then there's some part of me that can't help but ruin it. I have to drive it into the ground. Totally, and the thing is, you were so proud of yourself too. And then, you know, there were high fives, there were chuckles.

And I think because you felt so good about nailing a joke, which you do, by the way, for your career. I'm happier about a stupid one than I am about a good one. And something about them rushing down the street and they looked like really serious and there's an empty gurney, but I knew the invisible man had been hit on a bicycle.

Which, but, and then I'm thinking, this happens all the time to the invisible man. Cause he's invisible. So when, you know, when he's out walking around, people are hitting, and you know what that's really stupid? I bet the invisible man had like iPods in and was listening to music. So he's invisible and he's listening to tunes.

And he's constantly, constantly getting hit, you know? And every time they take him to the hospital, they're like, invisible man. Yeah, there's like a whole like, come on. Were you listening to your invisible iPhone buds? Maybe. Well, don't have that attitude. You gotta listen if you're gonna be invisible, you know?

Maybe he should like maybe spray some sand or dust on him or something. They've tried it, but he's very sensitive skin. Oh, he does? Yeah. His invisible skin is very sensitive. Very super sensitive. He's tried it.

He's tried doing a light paint when he goes out on a jog and it doesn't work. Why wouldn't he just wear clothes? Well, first of all, he enjoys being naked. Okay. One of the joys of being invisible man is walking around naked. Yeah, he's naked?

Yeah, you got a lot of things. I just thought the moment he puts clothes on, they become invisible. It doesn't work that way. You gotta be completely naked. That's one of the erotic thrills of being the invisible man. It's why he's such a perv. So anyway, the fact that I couldn't let that joke go,

that is an exact example of what I do all the time. And probably, if I hadn't brought it up here on the podcast, I would have waited a few days and then I guess I'm gonna say like on Sunday, I would have bombarded you with a couple of invisible men. Like, wasn't that good, invisible men? And you would have been like, you've got to stop. Yes, yes.

I hope would be that years later after you're retired and Sona's not working for you and you're on your death bed and you haven't spoken in 10 years, you just call her and the last thing you do before you die, remember the invisible man. It's funny because if he was rushed to the hospital, it would look just like those two men

pushing an empty gurney. And you'll be in a gurney and naked. Yeah, and I'll be in a gurney and naked. Well, that's yeah. Yeah, well, it's so on brand for you that your last words would be a bit and not like some poignant words. My last words will be a bit.

Like, I've always thought, you know, there's that weird guy, Jordan Schlansky who works for us. I always thought that if something, God forbid something terrible happened to me and people rushed up and I was fading fast and they said, is there anything we could say? Instead of saying, tell my wife I loved her,

I'd probably say, tell Jordan Schlansky, I'm not a fan and then I die. Oh my God. Oh my God. My wife would be like, what did he say? He said, tell, tell me, tell Liza I love her. No, that's not what he said. We thought that's where he was going,

but he said, tell Jordan Schlansky, I'm not a fan. And then he went on a little bit about how Jordan usually comes in late and seems to have attitude and doesn't back it up with his work. How long did he talk for? About 45 minutes. You're dying. Did he mention his children?

No, we've actually brought up his children. We brought up Nev and Beckett and we said, is there anything you should tell them? And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, whatever. They'll figure it out. Look, also bring up the fact that he's always talking about manscaping. Why does he manscape?

Oh my God. And then, you know, how long does he, well, he lived for about six days. And we kept saying we should, why didn't you contact me? He said you shouldn't contact him. He was on a roll about this guy at work who irritated him. Oh my God. So he just went off.

Anyway, that's what we're like. You're a sick man. That's the real us, right, pal? Yes, it is. You're right, buddy. Can I just touch on the shoulder and go, yeah, buddy? Oh, super spreaders. Yeah.

Yeah, I just had my hand in a big bucket of COVID. A bucket of COVID. They sell it at the Cracker Barrel. Bucket of COVID. Yeah, I went from my bucket of COVID and then I just put my hand in there. I don't know why Cracker Barrel sells that shit. It's crazy.

Cracker Barrel, knock it off. Where is it, Cracker Barrel? There isn't one here. We've gone off the rails. There's no way this is making it in. No, this can't. Is there a Cracker Barrel anywhere nearby? No, right?

I don't think so. You'd have to go out of ways, out towards the Crick. What? Okay, we're done, we're done. We're done here. No, you're ending in a Crick. You know what I love? I love that Gurley's trying to end this neatly

and I'm refusing to let this have a neat ending. Yeah, no, he doesn't. Go out to the Cracker Barrel, head out towards the Crick. Get yourself a big bucket of COVID. Now you have to put that in, possibly the biggest laugh yet. I'm playing my Gotta Laugh musical instrument. It's a woodwind. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Gurley can't cut this out. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. He can't cut it out. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gurley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salatarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon

at Earwolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production

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