Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Klingons and Cowboys

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

Conan speaks with Jill from Vulcan, Alberta about growing wetland plants in a commercial greenhouse, fainting goats, and what Conan would name a wetland species of his own discovering.

Okay, let's get started. Hi, Jill, meet Conan and Sona. Hey, guys. Hi, Jill. How are you? I'm well. How are you? We're doing very well.

Thank you. Jill, where are you right now? In the world. In the world. In the world. Yeah, yeah. A farm doesn't narrow it down too much, but you're on a farm. I think I can do the right thing.

I think I can do the right thing. I think I can do the right thing. I think I can do the right thing. I think I can do the right thing. A farm. I think I can do the rest. No, I actually can't. I have no idea where you're from.

I'm just outside of Vulcan, Alberta. What? Which is in Canada. The town is called Vulcan? The town is called Vulcan. Yes. Okay. It's in Southern Alberta.

Southern Alberta. Okay. And tell us about the town of Vulcan. Paint a picture for us, would you? So there's about 2,000 people. And I don't know if you guys are Star Trek fans, but the town is kind of taken on the Star Trek theme. Wait, as in the Vulcans that are on Star Trek?

Wait a minute. I don't understand what you're saying. So I just thought it's just a town called Vulcan. And of course Vulcan goes back to ancient mythology. So it doesn't necessarily have to... I mean, I'd be a moron if I said, oh, like Star Trek. But then it turns out that you're telling me that the town is leaning into it, right?

And it has a Star Trek theme? So there's a Starship Enterprise as you're going through town, like a giant statue. Yeah. Is everybody emotionless and very logical there? A lot of people who live here think it's weird, but I didn't grow up here. My husband did.

Who decided this? Yeah, they hosted a communal decision. Yeah. Where everybody was like, yeah, let's do a Star Trek thing. Yeah, I mean, to be honest with you, I'm from Kirk, Massachusetts. We didn't do any, we didn't lean into this at all. You guys are from Vulcan and you lost your mind. When you say there's a statue of the USS Enterprise,

you mean like, how big is this thing? How big are we talking? Like huge. Like maybe it's, I don't know, like 30 feet across. Oh my God. Yeah. And there's a Trek Center in town. Like they'll host, they have Spock Days in the summertime.

What's a Trek Center? And people will, like it's like a Star Trek museum. Like they have a few costumes from the show. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. Well, they say they're costumes from the show, but they're just costumes. Okay.

They're probably. First of all, trust me. Trust me. Like spirit Halloween story. Yeah, exactly. Don't, don't, don't ask too many questions about those costumes. This is unbelievable to me that a town has surrendered its dignity like this. This is, I mean, this is absolutely incredible.

Yeah. So they have a Spock Days in town. So there'll be Klingons, you know, walking down the street and, but also there's a rodeo at the same time. So there'll be Klingons and Cowboys like passing each other. What is this town? Wait a minute. So, so there'll be Klingons walking down the street,

but also Cowboys, but also random Spocks. Now we know that Spocks and Klingons don't get along. So that's like. Yeah, we know that. Yeah. Do Cowboys and Klingons get along? Actually, Cowboys and Klingons probably do. They might really.

Yeah. Yeah. That would make sense. It's a Klingon look like. Ritchie Forehead. Oh, I know that. Yeah. Yeah.

They've got that bumpy brow. The old bumpy brow. So, Jill, this is fascinating to me. Look at every bump brows. Yeah. So Jill, you, you live here and you, you live there happily. Do you ever get. I would think people would just get tired of.

Look at me. I'm Spock. Yeah. It's Thursday enough with the Star Trek, you know, or is it, or is it okay? I don't know. I feel like nobody talks about it. And I honestly know nothing about Star Trek.

So it's kind of weird, but I just moved here because my husband grew up here. And just, yeah, it's, it is what it is. Yeah. Well, you must really, you know what I gotta say? You must really love your husband. That's what's nice. I do. I do.

Yeah. He invited you to basically join him in a child's bedroom and called it a town. And now. It's like you're imprisoned on the holodeck or something. Oh God. Well, I, you know, I debated whether I should say that. Yeah. No, you didn't.

You don't. I did. You know what? You know what? I think whenever you say you debated, whether you should say something or not, you always say it. Never once have you not said it. And I do apologize.

Well, listen, Jill, we have a lot to, first of all, okay, so we know now we have a picture, boy, do I have a picture of where you live and I'll be coming to Vulcan. I want you to tell the people I'll be coming. You should bring Schlansky here and do like a, you can go through the Star Trek Museum and. Oh my God. Yeah. Actually.

Yeah. That's kind of a cool idea. Right. There's only one flaw. Ah, yes. The most annoying person I've ever met. What do you do? You said you're on a farm.

What kind of farm? What do you grow there? We kind of have a hobby farm with animals, but what we do for work is we own a commercial greenhouse. What do you grow in the greenhouse? We grow native plants, but we specialize in wetland plants. So we like to call ourselves swamp farmers because we're growing like cattails and bulrush. Okay.

Yeah. We grow them for wetland restoration work that we do. Oh, that's very noble work. I think that's good. We need, we must preserve and protect our wetlands. We must also live long and prosper. There you go. Oh yeah.

Are you doing it right? You live in Spocktown and you're asking me if you're doing the Vulcan salute correctly. Is this how it goes? I don't know. Why don't you tell us? How did you even get in past the city limits if you didn't know that? That's the equivalent of a credit card in that town. Oh, that'll be $35.50 for this bird seed.

And I'll give the old live long prosper sign and you're good. So you, well no, Jill, this isn't unusual at all. You live in a fake Star Trek town populated by Vulcans, cowboys and Spocks. And you grow swamp mush in your greenhouse, right? Yes. That's right. This is fantastic. This is amazing.

I do like, first of all, I do think environmentally it's fantastic that you're restoring wetlands. That's a big deal. I think people for a long time just filled wetlands with cement and said, this could be a parking lot. I did that. And I didn't even need a parking lot. I just, you know, just wanted to chase some, some rare, rare creatures out of their habitat. I'm just kidding. So, so you, so you do that.

And do you have animals too on this farm? Yeah, we have. Well, I've been breeding fainting goats for about seven years. I don't know if you're familiar with fainting goats with your life. I know nothing you do. There's no straight line or right angle. It's all twists and turns with you. Like, is that a breed?

Do they faint? Yeah. It's like a congenital thing. Like it can happen in humans and horses too, where it's a nervous response. If they get nervous or excited or scared, they freeze up and essentially like fall over. Why would you want more of those? Why would you breed them? Yeah.

I'm sorry. Is that a rude question? We're all thinking it. No, it's, it's fair. So it's fair. So it has a good question, which is, and listen, I'm, I was about to say I'm not questioning any of your life decisions. When in fact I'm looking at my notes and that's all I've done. Jill.

Uh, but, uh, why, that's a good question. Why would you want to breed fainting goats? Is it, uh, do they enjoy fainting all the time? Is it pleasurable? I don't think they do. Okay. Most goats can like, can jump out of fences. They're really hard to keep.

Yep. So fainting goats, they can't really jump or climb. So they're really, they make good acreage pets and they're a miniature breed. So they're super cute. Um, And what do you need to do to make them faint? I mean, can you just show them that, you know, this is the, the latest, uh, recession, uh, information that's coming from Wall Street and they'll just go.

Or show them a picture of a chupacabra. Yeah. Pretty much anything will make them faint. That's. So anything will make them faint. I don't know. Most things. Yeah.

Or if they're excited, you like come out with treats still. Yeah. They'll just faint. Yeah. Yeah. I have a brother that does that. Um, He just topples over when you show a snap.

Yeah. No, no, if my oldest brother, if you, if you walk in with, uh, you know, like a whole pinot's pizza, you know, a pinot's pizza, Coolidge corner. Yeah. Of course. Of course. And if you walk in with a pinot's pizza, he, he suddenly goes rigid and he falls over. And that's why we've covered the whole first floor with mattresses.

Speaking of which, do you have to put down anything on the, on the, do you have to put anything, lay anything down so that when these fainting goats fall, they, they're okay? No. Well, they're outside. So they just fall on the ground, but we had a few goats in the house. Uh, I had one, she was bottle fed and lived in the house for a few months. And she kept falling down the stairs. Like she'd try and climb up the stairs and she get too excited and fall down.

Well that, wait a minute. I, I'm not. How are they still alive? How is that alive? Did you get a stair chair? Yeah. For my grandmother, we got a stair chair and it was, the goats just coming down and the goat come, gets to the bottom of the, of the stair chair and gets off and comes

into the room and you're watching the movie get out and the goat goes, it falls over. How long are they fainting for? How long are they out? Yeah. How long are they out? Just a couple, just a couple seconds. Yeah. Just find like a predator.

I'm looking for fainting goats. I'm going to eat all of them. No. The theory of how they kind of came, you know, about is that they were bred so that they would be the sacrificial goats in with the herd of the rest of like regular goats. So if a predator came, they would faint and. Yep. Yeah.

That's a terrible, that's a terrible destiny. What a terrible destiny to be bred. Yeah. So that when trouble breaks out, you fall over and the predator is so busy eating you and the regular goats get to run away. But you sacrifice your life for the herd. It's heroic. It's not violent.

It's not heroic at all. It's called a genetic destiny. About a week. They're, you know. But they were evolved that way, right? They were bred that way. That's what I heard. Yeah.

That's what I heard. Well, you've done no research. Oh, Jill, we have much to discuss with you. You Vulcan goat killing. God dammit. Cowboy friendly. Swamp farming. Swamp high fiving.

Swamp herder. Jill, I don't know what to say. You have a fascinating life. I love it. And now where's your husband right now? Where is, where is he? Oh, we have, well, I made him leave the house. We have an 11 month old.

So I. A child or goat. A child. A child. Or gling on. Yeah. And is the child fainter or two? What if the child is watching all these goats topple left

and right and thinks that's just learns that behavior. And then you slightly say, oh, I just went to a dry bar and got my hair blown out. What do you think? Little Mikey. Bunk. That's the sound everybody makes when they think. Wow.

So you told your husband. Take the child. What's the child's name? Bill. Okay. Bill. E. Goat.

Nicely done. Gourly. Oh, wait a minute. Hold it. No. Badly done. No, that was very good. I'll give you that.

Bill. E. Goat. I'm trapped in a hell of my own making. So when you said, Hey, will you take her, I've got to talk to Conan Sona and Matt Gourly and explain our situation predicament with them. Can you take our son Bill?

Where do you think he took him? My guess is someplace Star Trek themed. No, they're just in town at my in-laws. But that still could be Star Trek theme. It's in town. Yeah. It's in town. We don't know what your in-laws are into.

Do Star Wars people ever come to town and does that get tense? I don't know. Like for example, Matt here is a real Star Wars fan. He gets offended if I bring up Star Trek. But I'm wondering if Matt was just traveling along with his lovely wife and his daughter and they stopped through town and stopped in town and he got out and maybe was wearing a t-shirt that said Yoda rules, which is an actual shirt he has. No.

Would he be beaten? Would he be attacked? I mean, depends on when you come. If it's during Spock days, then possibly. Wait, is there a beef between the verse and the trunk? Yes, there's major beef. So you're saying it's possible. No, there isn't.

Yeah, there is. Well, why? They're completely different franchises. That makes no sense. Sona, this is shockingly naive of you and yes, there's a long beef. Please, let me get back to the point, which is that you are pretty much assuring me that Matt gorelly there. Oh, wait a minute.

Hold it. Wait a minute. On a Spock day in your town of Vulcan that he will be attacked. I mean, I'll protect you, Matt. Thank you. No, you're missing the point of what I'm trying to do here. No, you're also forgetting that I'm going to come with the neighboring town of Wookie from Wookie, Saskatchewan.

Okay. And we're going to come on in and do a big rumble. Yeah. I'm going to get my friends from. I'm getting my friends from Bones, Iowa, who are going to come in. You know, Bones, Bones McCoy, the doctor. Okay. Kim, this man is dead.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Where the hell were you? Well, I thought you meant like Bones, the show. Yeah, the show. No, when you say Bones, no one thinks of Bones the show. Matt and I both did. Oh, and now Adam's raising his hand.

He thought that too. Yes, both of us did. So you guys think that my references are a little out of date. No, I mean, if you would have said deforest Kelly, then we would have been somewhere. Yeah. Or Bones McCoy. Bones McCoy, yeah. Can I leave?

Can I just leave the room? No, no, no. Is it okay if I'm not here? No, no, no. You need to learn these things. I'll take Jill with me. No, it's important. You two can just keep talking.

You know what I love? We're talking to Jill, who lives in a town of 2,000 people. Her only friends are feigning goats and the occasional spok and cowboy. And she, and she grows ragweed that lives in a swamp. And while we were all bickering about Star Wars versus Star Trek, I saw her eyes dart around and she got bored. And that is an accomplishment. She's on her zoom right now.

It's just a static picture she put up of herself and she left. She left. She's outside right now with some smelling salts trying to bring old Gertie out of it. Hey, Jill, did you have a question for me? Yeah. Okay, yes. So wetland science is still kind of emerging in our land. Oh boy, I get this question all the time.

Okay, wetlands. This nothing gets my interest when someone starts a question. Now, wetland science is still emerging. Now continue. Okay. There's a possibility in my lifetime I'll be able to discover a new wetland species. If this happens, what would you name it? Well, I mean, sorry, but I would love to have a species named after me.

Of course. Yeah. I would say it's the, you know, the Conan root, you know, something like that. I mean, I'm sorry, you're asking me and I would love to have something live on after I'm gone. We all know that these tapes will be destroyed. It's in my wife's will. They're like in a library, the tape library. I don't know how things work anymore.

Oh, oh, oh, like there's a cloud. I don't think so. Any, oh, a cat just reared its head. What do the goats do when they see the cat? Wow. Look at that cat. Is that a fainting cat? This is Kenny Powers.

Kenny Powers. Kenny Powers. What? From eastbound and down. The goats don't like the cats, actually. We had one goat who lived in the house. His name was Stu. And anytime the cats would come in, he would get like oddly aggressive and make these hilarious noises. Be great if we widened out a little bit and we just saw goat hooves up in the air straight up just everywhere.

Just just I'm just imagining hundreds of goat hooves going straight up in the air. Do they ever faint in a chain reaction like dominoes or anything like that? What if you scare the first one? He falls and hits the second one, scares the second one. You could arrange them so they make a fan and then they go up a ramp and they make a jump. Anyone else setting up dominoes? Oh, we have to do that. Don't they hurt themselves when they fall?

We did this. I'm sorry, I don't know what your problem is. Good God. He asked the same question twice in one of... No, they're fine, Sona. They're good. Well, Jill, I don't know what to say to your question. I pretended to care earlier about the wetlands because it sounded economically and ecologically responsible. But I don't really care and if they're going to name it after something, I'd like a star or a celestial happening named after me

or even a hurricane, a terrible hurricane. Okay, well, you could just go buy a star named after you. No, I don't want one of those. I think you can do that. Wait, you want to have it named after you like people who discover things? Yes. But you're not discovering anything. Oh, who needs to know that? No one in show business really does anything.

We just take credit for shit. It's true, there's the lead singer of Dire Straits, Mark Noffler, has a dinosaur named after him. Yeah. It's all worked out by our agents. Listen, you're going to hear from my representation. You're going to hear from a Gavin Palone. And he is going to hammer out this deal where I get a wetland species named after me. And of course, I get...

Love it. He's going to get 10%. Actually, knowing him, he'll probably get 15, 20. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that we're saving the earth and that my name will live on and that my manager will get a cut. You feel good now? I'm good. Yeah.

All right. What's he going to get part of the flower? Is he going to get paid for having a plant? 15% of the flower? Like one petal? Do you understand how show business works? Is it if I sell the plant, you get 10%? Trust me, we'll take care of that. Okay.

Okay. We're going to bioengineer this swamp plant so that it gives you a nice, sweet mellow high. And then I'm going to move this stuff. We're going to sell it in playgrounds all across America. Hey, I'm doing what I got to do to put bread on the table. Jill, this took a turn, a very dark turn. I want to say to you, it was been lovely talking to you. You live a very strange, unusual life, but you seem like a lovely person.

And you seem quite contented. And I wish you all the best. And I applaud you. I applaud your fainting goats, your Spocks, your Vulcans, cowboys, that massive statue that's in town, and everything that's happening in that weird corner of the world that you call home. And Sonia, did you want to find out if the goats hurt themselves? Nice. And we're out.

Thank you, Jill. Thank you guys so much for having me. This was fun. I am a huge fan of the podcast. And Sonia, your book is great. Thank you so much. Thanks for reading it. That's so cool.

Thank you. Thanks, Jill. Let's edit out any praise for the book. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonia Mufsesian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salateroff, and Jeff Ross, a team cocoa, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a team cocoa production in association with Stitcher.