Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Kristen Schaal

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

Actor and comedian Kristen Schaal feels relieved about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Kristen sits down with Conan to talk about growing up on a rural farm, what happens after we die and go to heaven, and managing self-expectations. Plus, Conan inquires with his team about the fine art of TikTok-ery. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Kristin Shaw, and I feel relieved about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We've got a lot to talk about here today. First of all, Sona is not going to be joining us on the podcast, and she has a pretty good excuse. She did give birth to her twins. She has twin boys. I think it's Mikey and Charlie confirm this for me. Is that right, Gourley? Yeah, it's Charles and Michael. Yeah, it's Charles and Michael, but she calls them Mikey and Charlie, so she's embracing her Armenian past full-on. She now has these two children, and it's so funny because I became like a grandfather figure or something. I don't know what happened, but I was on the East Coast, had to be on the East Coast when the babies came, and I was so nervous, and I kept checking my phone and pacing,

and my wife kept saying, it's going to be fine. I'm like, well, I haven't heard yet. I haven't heard. And I was texting her husband, Tak, like, any word, what's happening? And then they came, and I was like, I want to see pictures, pictures. And then I wanted more pictures, and I totally turned into this, I don't know, like it was my grandchildren. Was Liza at all upset with you that you maybe didn't even act that way for your own children? Yes! I said, it's Mikey and Charlie, and she said, quick, what's the name of our children? I went, wow, that's neither here nor there. That's neither here nor there. That's the name is here and there. It's their name is here, there, and there's a third that'll be everywhere. That's all we need to know.

But I totally lost my mind. I was so happy showing strangers. Look, Sona had her babies, and what's crazy is a lot of people listen to the podcast. So people knew. So I had people saying to me, so Sona must be having those children soon I watched. Last night, look! And I was showing them my phone and walking around just bellowing at people in restaurants. I don't often bellow, but I was bellowing. I was very excited. Well, you're a proud uncle, godfather, guardian. I know what my role is. Yeah, I think evil, evil overlord, satanic, blood brother, brain. I don't know what my relationship is, but I think of myself as uncle. I'll be Uncle Conan.

You sent me a picture that morning of the twins before Sona had even texted that she had them. That's how excited I was. And by the way, let me make sure I introduce David Hopping. David Hopping is the assistant who's filling in for Sona while she's gone, which means by law you also have to be on the podcast. By law. Yeah, by law. So you, David, were getting excited texts from me and photos before you even heard from Sona, right? I was, yeah. I was out to lunch and you sent, I had messaged you about something work related, and your response was, have you seen a picture yet and then sent one with it? Yeah, the proof that I do have a human side. He does. Thank you. It's nice to let people know that. Do you think people need to know that? No.

Strange guy, David, very strange. Listen, I know that you have designs on Sona's career, and you're going to try and take advantage of the fact that she's out creating human life to slide in here and become a household name. And I've got my eye on you Hopping. It's been a five year plan. You have been telling Sona for years, have children, in fact, have twins. Yeah. There's a weird thing to say. Specifically twins. Specifically twins. Because if she has two, she'll be out longer. You said triplets for a while. I said five, but she said no. Well, David, have you gone over to see the babies? I don't think we're welcome over there. I would imagine not.

First of all, she lives very far away in a part of LA I'm not familiar with. So far. What? No, no, it's just a part of LA that let's just say isn't part of my normal route. One needs, I think, a helicopter and then a donkey and a dog sled to get there. But my point is that I live in a bubble and I'm an idiot who should know more about his surroundings. So I think they're just having family. Now, thank God Sona has a big family because it was quite traumatic for a lot of people. I know that Liza and I went through it twice when our children were born. Sona has all kinds of family there. Oh, yeah. I don't think she's held the babies yet.

Anytime I text her, I get a response within seconds. Yeah. And I'll talk to her and she'll be like, oh, I just woke up from an 11 hour nap. Now someone's rubbing my feet and I'm thinking, you've got twins. I thought you two were just going to, you and Tak, we're just going to be laid out completely. But no, she says, oh, my mother's with them. This aunts with them. That uncle's with them. This person just came over. We got an Amazon package the other day and Sona delivered it. She now has two jobs.

She's taking extra work. Oh, but she's too tired to do the podcast. But no, she's doing color commentating for the Olympics. She just bought a bait and tackle shop and she's working there. She's getting, let's just say she's getting a lot of help from what she calls the ya-yas. I think that is, is that Greek or Armenian term for the grandmothers? We, we didn't have that. We didn't have that. We didn't. I lived far away from my parents. And also, you know, my parents said, my mom had six kids.

Did they fly out when you had your kids? Yes, they came from Boston to New York to see the kids. But again, as I was going to say before you rudely interrupted me, you'll have to learn. I'll learn etiquette. Yeah. When I raise my hand and make this motion, that means you're allowed to speak. Got it. And that's another rule that Sona's never followed. But anyway, they came down.

My mom had six kids. So she was like, oh, they're lovely, but that's on you. You know, you guys handle that. I had six kids in four years. So that's how the Irish do it. I was born four months after my brother Luke. No. Yeah, true story.

Come on. And then Kate was born two months after me. Were you just a fast gestation or were you sharing womb time? There was, it was, it was like Airbnb, you know, it was just people were. Like a youth hostel in there? Yeah. When I was in, in utero, there was an app and I remembered I had, this is my womb time, but now I've got to get out cause, cause Kate's coming through.

So yeah, it was complicated. It was a different time. The Irish are very efficient that way. But, but no, we couldn't do that. And Liza's parents were in Seattle. So they could come in and help somewhat, but they couldn't stay. They're both very busy with what they were doing, which is they, they're toffee makers. They have a toffee factory.

I love to spread misinformation, but yes. I almost believe that. I want it to be true. I love toffee so much. My wife's parents in Seattle have a famous little toffee store and they, they mix toffee all day. It's up at the top of the space needle. Yes.

To the top of the space needle, they, they have a little toffee place there. Anyway, check it out. You love their toffee. It's fantastic. But they have to stir the toffee constantly and they couldn't get away to take care of the grandchildren. And if you let the toffee sit for even a moment and you can't get someone else to stir it. I was going to say, couldn't they hire someone?

No, cause they don't stir it right. Liza's parents are really good at stirring that toffee just right. With their little wooden spoon. But anyway, again, wasted time all around, just wasted babble. We wish Sona all the best, Mike and Charlie. Do we say Mikey? I think Mikey. I think she calls him Mikey.

Cause I always hear her saying, shut up, Mikey. I don't hear her saying, shut up, Mike. I hear, shut up, Mikey, shut up. So Mikey's the bad one. Yeah. And then Charlie is, well, he's also bad. They're both bad. Oh God.

He's stolen stuff. All right. It's true. They found all kinds of stolen stuff in his crib, but we wish her all the best. We love her and she'll be back soon. So sorry, David. A little scheme isn't going to work. David, have you considered twins?

No. Do you want kids in your future? Probably. Yeah. Well, that sounds like a strong commitment. I'm happy to take you out to lunch and talk to you about it at any time. If you want any life advice from me, you probably really look up to me as a role model. Jesus.

Yeah. My guest today. Very excited. My guest today. No one gives me less than you, David. David, are you glad that I'm alive? Sure. David, are you glad that I wasn't murdered last night brutally with a hacksaw?

Yeah. Sure. Okay. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and actress who voices Louis Beltran Bob's Burgers and now you can see her in the Disney Plus series, The Mysterious Benedict Society, and she's done so much amazing work. This intro doesn't even scratch the surface. Very excited she's with us today.

I do love her. Kristen Shaw, welcome. Every time I realize we're friends, I'm always like surprised. Why does it surprise you? Because it reminds me that I've made it, and that's always a surprise. Is that a sign of making it now in the business as someone who's my friend? That's incredible. Yeah, a little bit.

A little bit. That hurt my feelings. Well, I mean, I'm sure you have friends that do other things. No. I'll only be friends with people in show business. Dave? Oh, David Hopping. He's filling in for Sona.

He's my assistant who's filling in for Sona Moisesian. Say hi, David. Hi. But we are not friends. Oh. No. You're an employee, David. That's true.

That's fair. I signed something and you signed something and said we can never be friends. That's true. That'll keep it easy. We have much to speak about because we've been, I think we've been friends for a long time. Yeah. I mean, when it was the first time you came on my show, it must be a big day in your

life. Oh, I should look that up. Don't you have that in your notes? No. When was it, guys? No, no. I don't even think it was in New York. I feel like I didn't do your show till you moved to LA because you went from, you were

buying a Tonight Show, which by the way, I bought a T-shirt. Did you buy a Tonight Show T-shirt? As soon as I knew shit was going down, I went online and bought a T-shirt. I should have worn it. Those are worth a fortune. I think they're pretty special. Those are like owning a Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper. Do you?

Yeah. It is. It's a big deal. It's historical. Yeah, it's like having that postage stamp of the biplane that's flying upside down that's worth $8 billion. I see people write occasionally with Conan Tonight Show merchandise and I say, you hang on to that because that is a historical oddity that's worth a fortune.

Yeah. I think it's going to, it's definitely going to be a memory. I'm sorry to bring that up right away. Oh no. Right off the bat. I love that we were, you know what, now I'm surprised we're friends. Why did I? We were, we were seconds into the show and you brought up the Tonight Show.

It's always a relief. Yeah. That's so great. That's so great. You're talking to an airship pilot and you brought up the Hindenburg within seconds. Yes. Yes. No, because I don't think I did your show in New York because it was, it was shifting

to that and then I wasn't on anything. I remember you did a very sweet thing, which is I was on tour in 2009, no, 2010 I was on that big tour between shows and I think you came backstage and you had like crocheted. That's not me. I don't know the name of the woman, but it was a fan that I knew. Oh, but you gave it to me. I could get it to you. Oh my God.

Because I knew Reggie. You scared the hell out of me. I thought you just meant, I thought you just meant that wasn't you who came into the room. That was Lauren Lapkus. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you were about to, I was about to get caught like confusing my really funny women.

That was Miranda July. Okay. It was you, you came backstage and that's right. You gave me something that a fan had made, but it was you and I thought that was really sweet. Yeah. And you were on Flight of the Concords and I really, well, I've always thought you were hilarious.

You know, you're always good. Your money in the bank is what we say in our business, money in the bank. Thanks Conan. That's really sweet. It's true. How much money? It's not a lot. Okay.

Okay. But it's in there. It's sort of in Bitcoin. There's an account. Yeah. Oh, I still understand Bitcoin. It's not real though, right? Yeah.

You shouldn't be too excited about being money in the bank. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to degrade my compliment as much as possible. I'll take it. No. That makes me more comfortable. I've been watching you be hilarious for years and I've always thought to myself, where did

this start? Because I know you come from a different background than everybody else that I talked to or most other people I talked to, which is you pretty much grew up on a farm, didn't you? Yeah. It was out in the middle of kind of nowhere and it wasn't like, it was my dad's hobby farm. He was actually a construction worker for money. But we would get a bunch of heifer cows and get rent a bull once a year and I would just

sit and watch the bull just bone all of the female cows. And it was the most terrifying thing you've ever seen, if you've ever seen that. Because animal penises are like little snakes come out like, like, have you seen it? Well, I. It's really weird. Yeah. It's really weird. Yeah.

I mean, not to brag, but my penis, it's been just, well, it's. It's like a serpent's tongue comes out of it. Telescopes. Telescopes. Yeah. No girth, but incredible length. Then you understand the bull. I've used it as measuring tape in some, when I'm during construction.

Well, you can't find any. Yeah. Yeah. No, but so, wait a minute. Sorry to go that way. I don't know. You make me too comfortable. That's my plan.

You grew up, but this is what's interesting to me is I love that you grew up in this environment that almost feels like 19th century to me. You're on a farm watching animals have incredible sex. Just incredible sex. For the bull. Again, as with much of the animal kingdom, I don't think that the steers, I'm getting the names wrong, are the heifers. I don't think the female cows were enjoying it at all.

In fact, they were trying to get away, probably to save their bodies for. That's sad. Yeah. I'm sorry. Because I thought animals. No, no. You thought animals enjoyed sex? I wanted to think that animals really enjoyed sex.

I'd like to think that somebody's enjoying sex. Well, I think all the male animals are getting it, having a great time. But if you ever watch those nature shows, I mean, have you ever? Well, there's no foreplay in nature. There's no foreplay. And it's always like the females getting held down and just pumped. And she's just like staring ahead, like make it in, make it in. And the dude is just like, this is my DNA.

And then it's over. Did you ever watch bulls high five each other afterwards? No. We only had one bull. Also, then they would get pregnant and then we'd have calves. And then we would raise the calves, and then we would sell them back to the butcher. The butcher place. Oh, wait.

So you'd established a relationship. I named them. You named them? It was awful. It was awful. Because I knew it. I knew where they were going. So you grew up probably unable to really attach to a living thing.

You probably have no idea how to form a real relationship with any human because of this upbringing. Maybe. No, well, I know humans die. Yeah. I learned everything dies. It's all temporary. Okay.

Well, I wasn't taught that. What? I'm Catholic. We all go up to heaven. Oh, we go to heaven. We go to heaven and we hang out with Abraham Lincoln on a cloud. Are you still Catholic? I am Catholic in the way that anybody who is irradiated with Catholicism as a child and

for into their teenage years is Catholic. Now what does that mean? I think I embody a lot of the Catholic values. I'm quick to get angry. I use alcohol to feel better about things at night. Yeah, there's all kinds of stuff that I think would probably make me Catholic. But yeah, growing up, what I really didn't like is growing up with the concept of hell. That really bothered me.

And I didn't want my kids to think there's a hell because I don't see, do Lutherans think there's a hell? Yeah. Okay. And if you're not, if you don't believe in Jesus, that's where you're headed. And it took me till I was a teenager to be like, whoa, you guys are sending a lot of people to hell, like maybe three, four of us in the world, which seemed wrong. Do you teach your kids?

My husband was raised without religion. So we call that godless. Yeah. You married a godless man. A godless man. Yeah. A man without a rudder. A man...

Going to hell. Yeah. But there's things about the Catholicism and Lutheran just like culturally and also just being mindful with like some prayer before dinner. I'm trying to like do prayer before dinner and just some things that I think are good about religion and leave out the bad, like picking and choosing for her. Right. Is that gonna work?

No. It's gonna fail. Well, I think you can teach kids to have a moral compass without necessarily quoting from scripture. So that's a possibility. I mean, when I grew up, everywhere I went, there was those realistic depictions of Christ on the cross that, I mean, those are rough. And some of them are very realistic.

It really does look like a guy who got stabbed a couple of times with a Roman spear and his hands were nailed to the cross and I thought that was very intense. Yeah. It changed my whole, man, this is, look what you've brought up in such a short time. Oh, yeah. You've brought up so many intense subjects and I think it's good, I think we need to go with it. I think we need to go with it.

Okay. I was traumatized by those Catholic images sometimes growing up. Yeah. It definitely painted a picture of like, and it was your fault, like he died because of you. Because of us. I would look at it and go, I never asked you for anything. Yeah.

I didn't ask you. I wasn't even around. I was always yelling at the cross that was hanging on the wall. Oh, no. Where did I at? I never asked you for a thing. What are you looking at me for? I'm sorry.

Yeah. Forget about it. You know, I turned into a whole different character. So you grow up on this farm and you see life unfolding all around you in a very, sounds like a very brutal way, but when did you say, okay, I think I'm funny. I'm, I'm a funny person. When did that really, did your parents know you were funny? No.

I mean, they would argue that they did, but I don't have any memories of my parents like laughing at me, um, growing up like, oh my God, Kristen, that was great. And I'll, but I also don't really have any memories of me like performing jokes for my parents either. But yeah, I think they thought I was funny. Those memories aren't as vivid as I think in high school, I was, I joined the forensics team, which is a speech and debate. I know, you know what?

When I was in high school, I joined the forensics team because I thought we would be investigating death and dead body. I swear to God, that would be dissecting the bodies of people that had been murdered and trying to figure out what happened. And then I found out that, no, you get note cards and you debate these incredibly dry topics. I was enraged. Yeah.

Yeah. I showed up the first day with a human foot. I swear to God. Oh my God. We're going to solve this. They said, no, no. I'm surprised you had come with like a Jesus statue. What happened?

That's what I should have done. Let's get into these lies. You know what? That would be great is to investigate. And please, for anyone listening right now who's offended, you know, you knew the deal when you tuned in. I love tuned in completely wrong for podcast, but I'm from another era. Yeah.

The whole idea of police investigating. Jesus? That's a great idea. What happened here? And the coroner is like there and he's like, well, you know, we're pretty sure he was alive when they put him on the cross, but he looks like a Roman spear and then they're questioning people. Yeah.

Hey, when you do. Sorry. Tell me to shut up. No. I like this. You asking questions. This is great. Do you want to know about my workout routine?

Not really. Okay. When you. So you. That's you pouring water, by the way. That's not. No one's here. Nobody's drooling.

When you, you quit your show and now, but I didn't think you quit your show. I think you are just going to start a new show. Yeah. Well, everybody was acting like you were dead. I did not. I did not play along because I didn't like that. But then I was like, well, when people die, they don't get to see that. Did you enjoy all that?

I was surprised. I was surprised. Well, I was just surprised that where I was not going to do the night tonight, you know, the late night show anymore and so, but I was going to go and do other stuff. And that this is a true story, but we finished the last show on a Thursday. The next day, my family and I fly out of the East coast so we could sort of just start walking my daughter around college campuses because she's 17. She's never been on a college campus because of COVID and we thought we should, she should

at least start looking at a bunch of schools just to see, does anything ring a bell? Does anything. Harvard. Oh God, no. Oh. No, that's off the table. Oh. Yeah.

Well, I'm sure you could pay that. No, no, I. What? Got to do something. Oh. Well, after what I did at Harvard, my people are no longer welcome there, but there are crimes outstanding, but we literally went the next day to the East coast and I walked into a restaurant like in Connecticut.

This is 24 hours after the last show airs. And an older woman walked up to me as I walked into the restaurant and said, what are you doing here? I thought you retired from television and I've been thinking about that, which is, which is, first of all, no, I didn't retire from television. I'm just not going to do the night tonight, late night show anymore. But the second thing that was hilarious was even if that were true, I'm allowed to go to a restaurant.

She was so disappointed that I thought you disappeared from my life. Yeah. I saw your farewell show and it really brought a tear to my eye and here you are stuffing your face with crab salad. You fat fuck. You know, I'm like, what happened? But no, I will, I know I'll do something else, but I want it to be something that really shows my athleticism and where people see the sensual side of me.

Yes. That was hidden. I was. Was it? Yes. Oh, yes. I was wondering, I guess I was even was thinking about it because I know you're the, what, I heard is that you're going to do like one show a month or something like a variety show,

but it would be very special. It's so funny because. Is that right? No, just so funny, too. One special show. I love that we're talking so much about me, but what's so funny is that whoever put out in the press release, Conan will go on to do a variety show for HBO Max and I never said.

Oh, HBO Max? They got good shows. Yeah. Well, they did. Hello. Oh, ding dong, ding dong, track show coming in. Let me in. No.

I've got a format that's untested that I want to try on you guys. No, it's so funny because it said variety show and I had all these people saying, Conan's going to bring back the variety show like I'm Dean Martin and women are going to come out at the beginning and go, it's Conan and there's going to be sketches where I'm in a restaurant. Yeah. You know, today's guest, Kristen Shaw, and then you're like, oh, I'm like Gracie Allen. Yeah, exactly.

Step out of the scene like George Byrd to start talking about how cuckoo I am. Yeah. I'll get a load of this one over here. She's a real nut job. Well, I better get back to the sketch. Why can't it be this? Yeah, I don't. Well, the thing is, it was so funny is that I found out later on that someone, I think

at Turner just put variety show in there because that's the category we're in in the Emmys and so they just put in, you know, it's going to be a variety show. And I swear to God, I had people on the street saying, I know where you can get some dancers and other people saying, I know, you can get some singers that can go Conan Conan Conan. It's the Conan show. And I thought that's hilarious. So many people had different ideas about this, what this would be. But they were excited to see it live on with you involved.

I'd like to be seen in a sensual way. I don't. Hmm. What? It's like me wanting to be a superhero. Okay. So I want to ask you a question, which is you have, I think, one of the most recognizable voices of anybody on the planet, not just because of Bob's Burgers, but because all

the work you've done when I hear your voice, are there people that don't know who you are and then you start to speak and suddenly you're ushered to a much better table at the restaurant? Oh, I haven't, I haven't been to a restaurant in a really long time, but, but I have, I have brought joy to people, strangers when they hear me talk in a way that's very rewarding and makes me feel good and them too. Yeah. Yeah. They love Bob's Burgers and they really, they love Bob's Burgers and they, but something

about Mabel and Gravity Falls, which was on Disney for just two seasons, but that, did you watch it, Dave? You seem little. I didn't watch that one. Oh. I'm sorry. Do you want me to lie? How long has he been your assistant?

David's here to, again, he's filling in for Sona. This is really awkward. Sona? It's like, how many burgers do you know who I am at all? I do. Yeah. You know what I love? I like the Concord, just one of my favorite shows.

It's like 10 years old. You know what I love is that David, David's here, he's sitting in because Sona couldn't be here because she had twins and David's filling in as my assistant and then we thought, we'll just have David sit in here and I love that you turn to him on the one thing he wouldn't know about. I mean, ask him about the Free Britney movement and he's all over it. I do see him on the move. Ask him about Disneyland and he's all over it.

Oh yeah. Did you go when it was like minimum capacity? I went last weekend. And? It was great. It really wasn't crowded yet. Is it masks? They didn't that day, but I just read that they're bringing masks back.

It's confusing. I did get tested after. I do not have COVID from Disney. David, did you or did you? I'll let you all know. David, did you or did you not break into Disneyland when it was closed during COVID? I know you think I did, but I swear I did not. Didn't you live on that little island for a while?

No. That was someone else. I'm pretty sure you did. And they got a lifetime ban. I can't risk that. Okay. Oh, they did? Yeah.

I guess you just can't live on a Disney island for free. Nothing's free at Disneyland. No. Get it out there. Yeah. But yeah, I like my voice. I didn't like it growing up because it didn't change. When I changed into a woman, it sort of stayed the same and that was a little bit of a bummer.

People would point it out a lot and I was like, yeah, sorry. And I had a speech teacher at college who was so disgusted with how I sounded that she said I would never make it. Is that true? Yeah. Is that, you know, what's stunning to me is that you could have a speech teacher who is saying, well, you can't make it in the business because your voice is too distinctive, which is the thing that everybody wants.

Yeah, I know. I guess it's because that time, you know, in the early 2000s or late 90s, they were teaching, you know, you did Shakespeare monologues and you did Death of a Salesman and you had addiction, you know, and you were a theater actor and I was just list being my name. She was like name and I was like Kristen Schall or whatever and she was like, ah, the list. She said to you, ah, the list. Yes, she was. Her back was to me.

She was like, I'm here to register for your class, name Kristen Schall. Oh my God. And she was like, I'm sorry, I cannot help you. And I was standing next to a guy who was like, I had a crush on. Oh, I love it when a laugh turns into tears. It's fine. Yeah, in your face because yeah, but you know, that's the thing when you go to school, sometimes some teachers think that this is how she taught Sigourney Weaver.

So she thought if everyone spoke like Sigourney Weaver, then they had a shot. Right. She didn't understand that it is what makes us unusual that I think gets us where we're going. Yeah. So that's my theory. Yeah. Some of it is just if you're around for a while and you wear them down.

You wear them down. I know it doesn't sound, it doesn't sound sexy, but you stick around for a while and then after a while, people say, I guess a guy who sounds like that and looks like that with that weird name and that weird hair can be a late night host. Yeah. You know, I didn't know what I was doing and that's the way it should be. I mean, where is late night going these days anyways? Oh my God.

You're very good at asking questions. I mean, obviously. You should take the podcast for this episode. Yeah. Why don't you just, why don't we just say, you know, Kristen Charles needs a friend and your guest is Conan O'Brien. I'm going to do it that way. That's fine.

I love it. I've always wanted to do interviews with people. Well, you're good. You're naturally curious and you're asking questions and that's, yeah, where's late night going? I have no idea. I'm the guy that did just left. You, well, that's the only option.

That's why I was thinking about you too, where I was like, yeah, you just quit because the show doesn't really get canceled. You just have to leave. Well, it's this very funny thing I realized at one point that for the first couple of years of my show, back in the early nineties, I was always in danger of losing it. Then your reward, if you can last, is that the reward is they will never end. But anything that never ends frightens the shit out of me. Like going back to Catholicism, I asked a nun once what's heaven and she said, what's

your favorite thing to do? And I said color in a coloring book and she said, well, it's that for all eternity, it never ends. And I was horrified, horrified. And so the concept of, you know what, you can't do this forever. You can't. But that sounds like that got locked in for you and now, no matter what you want, you're going to be coloring in heaven for eternity.

Yes. Wow. But with great historical figures with Lincoln, who's still going to be like, I don't understand. I was at the theater. I had my back turned. Right. And he's terrible thing in the lines. I like that.

That could even be, I could see that being a whole movie. A whole movie? Yeah. It is not a whole movie. You're a terrible judge of what's a whole movie. That's not a movie. What are you talking about? Now I'm angry.

Oh. You can kick them off your podcast, Christian. Yeah, this is your podcast now. It's your podcast. Sorry. So the minute I turn on you. You're right. Yeah.

And David's now your assistant. Did you remember? It's a three-minute sketch. It's a three-minute sketch. Do you have a moment where you felt that? Wait, wait. When heaven, I thought, I was told that we lose our bodies and we're all just balls of light floating around.

Who told you that? My Sunday school teacher. Oh, I never got that. Balls of light floating around? Yeah, because that's your spirit. Kind of like the movie. No, that's when you go into, that's Tron you're thinking of. Soul.

Yeah, a little bit of soul. No, I don't, I don't think that. I don't. We have our bodies. We have our bodies. Why? We sit on a cloud. I could lose this for eternity.

Come on. I'll be a ball light. Which body? Yeah, are you stuck with the body that you die with, or do you get like your younger body back? Oh, see, this is another question, too. Which body do you get? If you go into heaven, which, and Elvis is there, come on, Elvis has got to be there.

Which Elvis are you going to see? You're going to see 1955, Lean and Mean Elvis. Are you going to see 72, Bell Bottom Elvis? You're going to see Heavy Elvis towards the end, 76, 77. Okay, now I'm going to bring this to a horrible place. What about kids that die young? Do they never get to be adults in heaven? Do they get to keep growling in heaven, or are they always going to be whatever?

Sorry. Okay. What was your question? No, no, no. Wait a minute. So, you're the places you've taken us so far. What's for you? Dead children.

It's been a tough year. The Tonight Show, which I think occupies similar categories for me. And then tape measure penis. My career being over, and yeah, penises that expand like telescopes. Those are scary. That was the scariest thing I said all this whole time. That's true. It's true.

So, a telescoping penis. That's fascinating. Wait, you were going to ask me a better question, and I cut you off with the balls of light for bodies. What is the moment when it really started to click for you when you realized, oh, wait a minute. I'm going to be in this business as a funny person, I know how to do this. When does that happen?

Does that happen when you're doing improv? Does it happen when you're doing theater stuff at must, right? Yeah. Is it college? College was great, because I'm wearing my meow show hoodie from college, because I wanted to wear something that wouldn't stick in my armpits. Anyways, yes, college was great, because I was on an improv sketch comedy troupe called the Meow Show, which had, well, Stephen Colbert auditioned for it and didn't get in.

That's how funny it was, or not. I think of him more as a newsman. Stephen Colbert? Yeah, he never really got into comedy, and I say that with great affection. Yeah, do you two hang out? We have hung out in the past. He told a story on another podcast, I think it was smartless. He told a story about me skiing.

We ended up bumping into each other and skiing. We had a really good time and hung out with his family, who's lovely, but he later told this story about me having to use the bathroom when we were on a ski lift together, and not number one, but number two, and that I opened a trap door in my pants and defecated on children who were skiing below, which I thought was absolutely hilarious when I heard it, but he told it with a straight face, apparently. I had someone on the street come up to me and go, is that true, man? And I said, is what true?

And they went, you skimmed with Stephen Colbert and you had to take a shit, so you just shit all over these kids and tried to hit them with your shit below. And I went, yeah, yeah, that's true, because you have to yes and in those moments. And I do not, I refuse to be the Margaret Dumont, the lady in the Marx Brothers movies, who's like, well, I never, I can't be there saying, that is not true, that never happened. That's ridiculous. So I had to go the other way, which is, of course, it's true. That's what I like to do.

I like to shit on children when I'm on a ski lift. So he should have been in your improv group, because he could have done that quality work. Yeah, he's smart. Well, anyways, that's when I, that's when I was like comedy forever and improv too. When you start taking improv classes, it's like a, like a bug, you know, you have to like get better at it, and then stand up was also really, really fun in New York. I did everything I could do that was comedy related. What did you like better, the improv or the stand up?

At the end of the day, the stand up, because the improv, you know, it was fun, but it was a little nerve wracking. Yes. And I used to get very in improv if, you know, there's chance is a big part of it. And people love to see the high wire act aspect of it, but I always wanted to, I wanted the certainty that every single time it was going to be great. And once you want that, you can't really be a true improviser. I don't think.

Yeah. You have to bomb. You have to, you have to have no expectations. You have to surrender to the idea that, well, that went nowhere. This is a candy shop. No, it's not. The end. Only everybody with a real shit improviser.

I think writers I've noticed in particular are not have that same feeling about improv because I find writers to be a bit more of a perfectionist. What's happening with Sam? Are we? Is the time's up? What happened? Did you just do something? No.

It's your call, Kristen. It's your show. You get to wrap it up. Yeah. Why don't you? Sorry. It's your head. You started moving around a lot.

I did call. I'm sorry. Sam. Sam, what's going on over there? I don't know, but I am sorry. Oh, that's fair. Sam. I know, especially getting older.

I'm not as old as some people here, but no, I. Okay. So now I'm old. No, no. I didn't see you. I'm just saying, I've heard before from. I'm as old as I say I am on Wikipedia. Okay.

How old did you say you are? I haven't. 41. 41 on Wikipedia. Yeah. 58 in. 58 in real life. 41 on Wikipedia.

But do you. I go there every day and I have, and David, one of David's jobs, it used to be his job is get up every morning and put me down as 41. Someone always puts it back. Yeah. It only lasts about 10 minutes. Yeah. It's a full time job.

Yeah. But he just hammers away at it. And sometimes I have him doing it during the day. It's like checking his stock. You have to just keep going back. It's 41. I don't know where you get this. Sometimes we go to 39.

No one's buying that, but 41, everyone accepts. If you have enough as a 41 year old, I mean, do you feel like comedy? I've heard my husband say that sometimes he feels like comedy is a young man's game. And I hate to call him out like that, but that's when he's like really down. I don't agree with that, but I do think you can rack up a number of times when you're old, as you get older, when you haven't been funny, that you could convince yourself that you're not funny anymore, whereas when you're younger, you don't have that yet. Yes.

First of all, a number of times when you're not funny in a row, I can't relate to that. I just can't. I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. And that's just seemed weird and foreign to me. David, would you agree? Mm-hmm. Wow.

Anyway. I had to sign a paper for that too. No, but I understand exactly what your husband's talking about, and I know he's a very funny guy professionally, and I know what he's talking about, and then I see people, or I'm around people like Martin Short, Steve Martin, Albert Brooks, who are devastatingly funny, and not just verbally funny, but just in a performative way funny, and Bob Newhart. Bob Newhart, I think, is 91 or 92, and he still is so funny, and his put-downs are fantastic. And I think, okay, if I could have thought of that at my age, Wikipedia 41, Real Life

58. If I could have thought of that, I'd be very proud, and then I think, what are those guys doing? How do you, Carl Reiner's another one, Mel Brooks, where, you know, very late in life, very, very funny, and coming up with funny and amusing ideas, I think there's a kind of hunger that you have when you're younger that fuels things and helps, and then you've got to substitute that with something else. And the age-old question in our business is, can you be happy and funny?

And that gets tricky, because, you know, there are times where I really love my wife and I love my kids, and I consider myself extremely lucky, and I enjoy my friends, and I look around at all that, and it wasn't always the case. I didn't always have that life. So there are times when I look at them and think, you guys, you assholes are keeping me from being funny. You're keeping me from being as funny as I could truly be. Oh, they're bringing you down.

They're bringing me down with all their me loving them and them loving me bullshit. I've got to get out of this trap. I've got to blow this up so I can reach the next level of funny. I've got to be funnier. So that's, yeah, that way lies madness. Here's something that you occurred to me when I was listening to you. It is, we were saying that, you know, the conditions have to be right for a good comedic moment, and I think that is expectations, right?

And sometimes I found when I was starting up, I had my best live stage performances of my career before Flight of the Concords, before people knew who I was. I could destroy as this wispy little, who the hell is that? And then show them exactly who I was, whereas I felt I really got in my head later. And I wonder if that's always the case too, where, where you need to form a condition for yourself where there is no expectation. But I mean, no expectations from the audience or no expectations from myself. That's the question.

Yeah. I mean, the dream is both. Because I've seen it. I've seen it go the other way too, where because people know me, they're laughing sometimes before I even say anything. That's the worst. I love it. I don't know what you're talking about.

Are you serious? Oh, man, getting those laughs for nothing? What are you talking about? Oh, man, there's Conan. Wow. Thanks, everybody. Well, anyway, on my way here, on my way here in my car, he has a car, man. I can't believe he's got a car.

Wow. The club owner's like, hey, you earned your pay before you even started talking. As you own money and have a good night. I don't know what you're talking about. I love that scenario. Okay. Okay. I think you're out of control.

Well, okay. Oh, don't want to earn it every time. That's the worst. What? I don't know what we'll do. No. You want to get to the point where you phone it in and people know it's you. It's Kristen Shaw.

What do you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's fine, but you still get paid. Yeah. Where are you? Everybody had a chuckle. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. All right. Hey, she showed up. She sure looked like she does when I see her on the TV. Yay, here's your money. That's the dream, man. Hey, I'm learning a lot today.

Yeah. Yeah. I hope I didn't disappoint you with my brutal honesty. I didn't think you were being truthful about that last bit. Well, this was really fun. I didn't know, it's so funny because I had all these things that I thought I was going to talk about with you that were more about things you've done, your career. And we completely got off track because you took over.

Yeah, I had so many questions for you. I mean, you're at a world turning point in your life. It's very exciting. It's exciting. It's strange, too. So I might just wander the earth now, spreading seeds, growing little trees. Well, when I ran into John Stuart after he had stopped, I was so worried about him. Because in my mind, he exists doing a show every night and he was the happiest I'd ever

seen him because he got to be with his kids and you got to watch them grow up and be with his wife and just relax. It was shocking to me who always thinks you should constantly be making comedy. But maybe that's you. I have no idea. I think I spent enough time with my kids and my wife. I get it. I don't know what John's talking about.

I get it. Like when they were five and seven, I'm like, I got it. And now they're just, you know. So I don't know what that's all about. He's got to work that out himself. Yeah, what he's doing, obviously. It's clearly some kind of dodge. But I, yeah, I don't know.

But I'm definitely like to, I like to make things. So it's all about, the problem is if I start making like model planes, you know, because I did that over COVID. I started making balsa wood. I made a balsa wood plane that was really complex and I hadn't done anything like that before and I got really obsessed with it. And have you seen it, David? It's gorgeous.

Uh-uh. Why do we have you sitting in? I don't know. I'm just going to leave. Oh, Christ, David. Oh, really? I mean, let's take it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't know Kristen's work? You don't know that I built a model plane? Yeah, out of balsa wood. It was a stop with camel. It's beautiful. I put- Where is it? Has David been-

It's hanging over my desk. Has he been- oh, you have an office? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait. You've seen it. I thought you meant, yeah. What? No, I've seen it.

It's great. Oh, for Christ's sake. I did not register it, David. Well, this is David's last appearance. Yeah, thank you. It's been great. I had a great time. I've never heard his feelings.

No, I really didn't. He hasn't- No, I don't have feelings. Yeah, he doesn't. Oh. No, that's one of the prerequisites of working for me is not having feelings. What'd you say? You're gonna go far.

Yeah. But, yeah, so we'll see. But yeah, I assume it's gonna be comedy, but it'd be really hilarious if I just started carving faces out of apples and drawing them and distributing them to the neighborhood. And I'm like, I've never been more creatively satisfied. Well, listen, we gotta wrap this up because I think we've spoken for quite a while, but you are an absolute delight. Thank you.

And it made me happy knowing that you were coming in today because every time we encountered you, you've worked with me in the past. You've been kind enough to donate time to shoot crazy things with me at Comic-Con. And you're just a lovely person and I'm very happy for you. You've found your way in comedy and you've made so many people happy. And it's true. Just by talking, you can make people happy, which is lovely. That's a great superpower.

Thanks, man. Well, thank you. Right back at you. Thanks for being my friend, which is scripted here. It is scripted. Yeah. And thank you for always letting me come on your show and being my champion. I will continue to be your champion and I will have a show just so you can come on it.

How's that? You'll be the reason for me to do a show. Okay. Yeah. But you should do it. Okay. But not every night. No.

Oh, God. Because we already, everybody already. Please. If you do that, that would be coming back at the... Every night. If I came back immediately with a nightly show, there was no different than the other show. That's hilarious. I would love that.

That'd be very Andy Kaufman. Yeah. Or even Wilco. Did it like... Or no, it was LCD Sound System said, like, this is it, we were never, I'm never before me again. Yes. And everyone bought us out of there.

And then he's like, I don't even think it was a few weeks. The great thing was Frank Sinatra, I think in 1969 announced I'm retiring. And he said, I think I'm going to teach. Like, he was going to go to Yale and teach a course on. And so Frank Sinatra did this big thing, like I'm retiring and he did his big final show. I think he was back in six months. So yeah, I should go back to Turner with the exact same show.

The whole thing is really no different and then have a real attitude like, you're welcome America. Boy, that would piss people off. I can't wait to do that. It'd be memorable. Justin, thank you so much and thank you for being my friend with a little trademark next to it. Yeah, you're welcome.

It's a trademark agreement. Oh, that's great. So then I don't have to be relieved. It's like legally. Yeah. This is legally binding. Nice. Yeah.

All right, big things are afoot over here at Team Coco. Team Coco now has a TikTok and it's at Team Coco. David, you're here to help us today. Can I just say before we get into David, I have been the team and I use this term loosely. My team of experts, people in their 20s and 30s have been telling me for a while, Conan, you've got to make TikToks. Hey, I don't know what they're talking about. Sounds stupid.

And I know it's a big thing out there, but no, I'm not making a TikTok. I'm a 95-year-old man and I did great things in World War I to save our country and I resent being told that I have to make a TikTok when I don't even know what it is. Matt, do you know anything about TikTok? I know what they are and where they come from, but that's all I care to know and that's where I draw the line. Yeah, you and I are similar vintage, Matt, and we aren't into this TikTok thing. Wait a minute.

What? I'm just guessing by the look of you that you're, at least my age, you're much older. Yeah, you're 38. Sure. Yeah. Really, are you 38? No. You're almost still.

You got to moisturize, man. You're falling apart. You can make a TikTok about that. Well, okay. You just piped up. Sorry. I know. You told me to be quiet.

No, no, no. I never reveal that I tell you to be quiet. You're allowed to say whatever you want. What I was going to say to you was that you could help us. You could actually, as crazy as this sounds, you could actually be of help to us, David. Okay. Yeah. You could be useful and helpful.

You sound shocked that I could be useful. No, I made it very clear. Don't sound shocked. I am shocked. You could actually benefit us. This is insane. The world has turned upside down. Tell us about this TikTok thing.

Well, first of all, it's super addicting once you get started. You're not going to want to stop. It's basically like an Instagram, but just for videos. Okay. You're doing really well on TikTok, whether or not the Team Coco one, I think, is doing really well. I don't even know that I'm on. What do you mean?

I don't make TikToks, do I? You're on it. How could I be on it if I don't even know what it is? This is what we're talking about. There's now a Team Coco account. There's a Team Coco account. But what do they put up? I don't understand.

I thought a TikTok meant that I have to be dancing and singing with my daughter, and we're both embarrassing. There's like different sites to TikTok for everything. Oh, I always thought it was people singing into a brush, some Motown song, and a grandmother is doing it, and a daughter is doing it, and a granddaughter is doing it, and it's awful. It's all awful. I thought that's what TikTok was. So, I mean, that is a side of TikTok.

Right. So, any interest you could have, like, there's a hashtag history talk for, you know, you like history, and it's just people giving history facts. Oh, where is it? Taylor Swift just joined TikTok yesterday, so Swift talk is just trending of people making videos about Taylor Swift. I swear to God, I didn't know that there were TikToks about history, TikToks about music, some of the things that I might be interested in.

I thought it was all performative, people wearing Lulu lemon and doing like a funny dance, and then, you know, clucking like a chicken and pouring cheddar cheese on their head. I mean, that's for sure part of it, but not every part of it. Okay. Well, I would want nothing to do with that part, but that's... I think your kids would agree. Yeah. I don't want to embarrass my children any more than I...

My children are embarrassed by everything I do, so I got to watch that, or they just won't speak to me anymore. You have 158,000 followers on TikTok right now. Wow. But what are my TikToks? I don't know what you're talking about. There are most clips from the podcast, clips from your show, different interviews you've done.

Oh. So we're all on this thing? Yeah. On this thing. I love it. On this... So we're all on this thing? What is this contraption?

Is it on the radio? People like the big TikTok creators will buy mansions together, and then it's just all these people living in a house making videos together. This is just what I used to do for Instagram. It's all repeating itself. Get out now. Can I... Only the platforms change.

Yeah. And... Wow, that... I didn't mean that to sound so smart. That was... Throw out platform. But you know, I've talked about this before, but I worry that we are a few years away from nobody growing food because...

You're right. And I wrote an article about this once. It's out there somewhere. I'm trying to remember where I... It's on TikTok. It was on... No, I did. I wrote a piece that I actually really liked where I described a world where everyone

just got into improvising and making videos and being wise guys and the economy collapsed and farmers stopped growing food because they were making ironic videos where they sort of pretend to grow food but don't really in its meta. And it was the total collapse of society and it became very dystopian. That's it? I think TikTok is going to get us there. I really do. I really think that this could be the beginning of the very, very end.

Yeah. And David, explain this. If Instagram has the same features, what's the deal? This one gets your stuff out to more people. So like here, let me pull it up. For example, so there's like a for you page and then a following page. Wait, what's happening to that person? Is she...

It's the first video that popped up. Okay. I actually have seen her. Oh my God. She's singing into her hairbrush and pouring cheddar cheese on her head. Oh. She looks like she's in danger and is trying to get help. I don't know what's happening.

So that's a filter on her or what? It's just her getting ready. So I think that's like her niche. That's what she does. But then there's also a following page, which you're actually not following anybody. Just follow yourself. Oh, so I see Conan takes Jordan to the Olive Garden. That's a remote that we shot.

And Jordan works for me and he's a big snob about Italian food, so I took him to the Olive Garden. So they posted that clip to your TikTok and that'll go out to lots of people. We have some examples here of TikToks too that are loaded up. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. I think I have something that I've done. Yeah.

You've curated these yourselves because we should mention that you yourself are kind of a TikTok... Yeah. Is it too much to say superstar? No, no, what's the way... What I say, David, is this correct? You're quite the TikToker. That's correct.

Yeah. Do you engage in TikTockery? I do. Really? I don't know. He's a known TikTocker who's engaged in Skulduggery and TikTockery. I became way too addicted to it over work from home to last. So you make these TikTocks.

What if this turns into you showing us TikTocks, but it's an intervention for you? Oh, that's true. It's probably much needed. We have your family in the next room. They all pop up in the screen. They're not here for the intervention. They're just here for free food. That sounds right.

We'll show us some stuff. I don't know which one's first. And we'll describe it as we play it. So my roommate at the time, Jasmine and I, whenever we started quarantine, we would just drink wine and then we decided to just make TikTocks after we'd had a few glasses of wine. So I think the first one is like the first week I downloaded TikTock of us working from home.

Okay. Let's take a look. This is you and Jasmine getting drunk and making a TikTock. This took way too long, actually. Okay. We're cutting around. There's a stripper pole. Was there a stripper pole in your?

Jasmine had it. Yeah. She installed it into her room. And Jasmine was her roommate. And so it's you two, and there's a lot of rapid cuts of you. And what's the song playing? It's two of the Fifth Harmony song, Work From Home, because we were working from home. You were working it from home in this video.

Yeah. I have some complaints. The rug. The rug is very prominent and it looks just like a very cheap synthetic shag and looks like it's mostly made of scotch guard. So I don't like that. I think that was new carpet, too. Yeah.

Well, it's a great color because if someone vomited on it, you'd never know. Yeah, that's my big criticism about this TikTock is, you know, I think I'd be a good TikTock director because I have an eye. I shouldn't engage in TikTockery, but I could be a director of aforementioned talkisms. And I could tell people lose that rug. What's that thing hanging in the background? Is that a beanbag chair? You guys are, you know, I would clean it up a little bit.

The lighting isn't terrific. Sure. It was our first one. I'm sorry to be rough on you. It's okay. Yeah, it's our first one. Do most people drink a lot before they make a TikTock? I don't think so.

It's just like what else were you supposed to do working from home? Was this done during business hours? Yeah. I don't know. You don't want to say? We asked you one question, David. You're my employee. Did you see any cessation in payment during COVID?

Were you being paid less? Were you getting less money because you were working from home? You were being paid in full, yes, sir? Yes. Okay. I was. And so do you think it's possible that you were making TikTocks on my dime? I wouldn't say it's not possible.

Okay. Let me, like, Conan, you funded this and therefore get production credit. You're the producer of this TikTock. I am. Whatever. I hear you're doing well on TikTock, and I bet 70% of the TikTocks you've made have been under my employ during business hours. True or false?

True. Then you owe me a cut. But I always have my phone ready in case you need something. No, but you understand. It's implicit that between the hours of nine o'clock in the morning and seven o'clock at night, anything you do has to be pursuing my interests. Well now it kind of is, because I'm showing you how to TikTock for yourself. Oh, nice, David.

Nice, David. Wow. You know, I actually think this is all the perfect setup. We've seen one, and that we should continue this as a cliffhanger segment. Okay. We'll do the next part in the next episode. Yes, we can't do this in one segment. This has got to be two segments.

I am learning to TikTock, along with Matt Gorley, Matt and I are both elderly gentlemen, but we are learning the fine art of TikTockery, and we are being instructed by my assistant David Hopping, who's filling in for Sonoma Sessian, and you're going to teach us more in the next segment, and things are really going to get crazy. Thank you so much for joining us, and we'll see you in the next episode. Thank you.