Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Kristin Chenoweth

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

Actress Kristin Chenoweth feels petite about…peeing? Kristin sits down with Conan to talk about their kindred need for an audience, life-changing advice from Carol Burnett, and Kristin’s Food Network show Candy Land. Plus, Conan considers his impact on the English language as he and his team Review the Reviewers. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Kristen Chenoweth, and I feel petite about peeing. About peeing? Can we just leave it right there? Yeah, leave it like that. My name is Kristen Chenoweth and I feel petite about peeing. You're welcome. Hello, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, really a way for people to come together and learn to love and learn.

I just, I had nowhere. I had nothing. You really had nowhere. I had nothing. You went to the most unlikely thing. It's really not what this podcast is about. Not at all. And I apologize.

I just was phoning it in. You were phoning it in. Yeah, and I'm here in studio. Of course, always joined by my, what are you, an assistant? Oh, come on. Someone who works with me. I'm your assistant. You're someone I pay and then I don't know anything after that.

Sonam Obsession. Yeah, I'm your assistant. You're my assistant. I've been for 11 years. 11 years now. Long, long, long years. And of course, Matt Gorley, producer. You do a terrific job, Matt.

You really do. Thank you. And I've been your producer now for three years. Can you believe that? Oh my gosh. Is it really? We've been doing this for three years? Well, three seasons, two years.

Okay. You're always so much nicer to Matt than you are to me. What? I feel like lately that's just been the situation. I think I got a little self-conscious about, you know, you and I are together all the time in the trenches and so, I mean, you and I, it's safe. You say atrocious and horrible things to me. There's a lot of bad behavior back and forth and it's just how we communicate and we're

sort of brother, sister. It kind of works. I think I've gotten a little self-conscious lately about Matt because I don't know Matt as well and then, of course, sometimes I'll give him some swipes here and there. You haven't talked about any tweed suits or a handkerchief or pipes or. Right. And so I think I got, I think I went a little easy on Matt for a while, but maybe it's time to double down again.

Yeah, I think so. Sorry, Matt. Go to the podcast. Thanks a lot, Sona. Thanks. I can't take it all anymore. You got my back. I'm like the, I'm the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

Matt was staying perfectly still so I couldn't see him. Yeah. She threw a torch at my friend. But then, Sona, yeah, threw a flare at him. Matt caught it and started bobbling it. Oh, no. Suddenly, I saw him. He ran into an outhouse and I bit him in half.

That's what I just, that's what I just did to Matt Goorley. So, thanks a lot, Sona. No, I'm sorry. I just needed to save myself. It's okay. It's okay because I want reality to be reflected when he calls me tweed. I'm wearing just a flannel shirt and a Yankees cap. He's got a crocodile Dundee hat.

Oh, let's talk about the hat. Thank you. Thank you. I do have, I'm not wearing it right now. Like any gentleman, I took my hat off and put it down when I entered the room. That sounded like a swipe. During COVID, I have been wearing a crocodile Dundee hat. You can just look up crocodile Dundee and you'll see the exact hat.

I bought this hat in Australia when we went there to shoot a travel episode of the show. I saw this in a shop and I bought it as a joke and it's got the, I don't know if it's crocodile, I guess it's crocodile teeth around it. It's this iconic hat that I got as a joke and then I put it on and I look great in this hat. Yeah. I really, I'm not going to, I can't, I'm trying to put it on now with headphones on. It doesn't work.

I look great in this hat and when I put it on, people start to laugh and then it's on my head for a second and they say, that's a great hat for you. Yeah. I think you feel cooler wearing it too. Well, don't you think it actually looks pretty good? I do. And you've had a lot of hats because you have to wear them to protect yourself. Yeah.

From mobs of people who might recognize me. No, from the sun that might try to burn you. Oh, the sun. Oh, I thought you meant from, I thought you meant from beautiful women that would go like, oh my God, it's Conan O'Brien. I've got to have him. And I'm like, no, no, I'm married, please, please, supermodel, no. Sunburns.

That's what you need to protect your stamina. And you usually wore like these floppy hats that were kind of. I didn't like those. Goofy looking. They look terrible. You know, I've always said, I look like Rose Kennedy, the 100 year old mother of the Kennedy clan. You'd see pictures of her at the beach at Martha's Vineyard and she was this 100 year

old shriveled up woman and she was covered in 50 pounds of hats and loose clothing. And that's what I look like when I'm on the beach. People actually say I can't believe JFK's mom is still alive. And then they go, oh, it's Conan O'Brien, but I wear this hat and it looks really good. And I realize it gives me, let's just say it and admit it, Sona, it gives me big dick energy. Okay. I don't know about, I don't, I will A, never say that and B, I don't know if it's a cool

enough hat. When you're wearing that hat, do you ever go up to people and go, that's not a dick. That's a dick. That's not a dick. This is a dick. And then I get arrested for whipping out. That's not a dick. This is a dick.

Zip. And you're under arrest. Oh my God. You do it to a cop. Yeah, I do it to a cop. The cop's like, what are you wearing that hat for? That's not a dick. This is a dick.

Wait, what are you talking about? Did you see a penis when you said that's not a dick? No. Your Australian accent sucks. And why is your penis out? I was trying to do that. From crocodile dandy? That's right.

Well, that's terrible. It doesn't line up. Nothing lines up. You didn't see a penis. So why would you compare your penis to that penis and then why would you whip it out? Because the hat gives me big, no it doesn't. Oh my God. No, it doesn't give you big dick energy.

And then I'm in jail and then I have to get bailed out. Yeah. And then you're the one that bails me out and you say, did you do the crocodile dandy? That's not a dick. This is a dick again. And I say maybe. You go Conan, this is the eighth time I've bailed you out. Stop doing that.

Wearing that hat, walking around town, trying to find policemen, going up to them and saying that's not a dick. This is it. And then they go, wait a minute, that's not an Australian accent. You try to find policemen to do this too. I didn't say this was a good idea. What? This is a bad idea.

Why would you go to policemen? I don't know. Oh man. I don't know. I'm just whatever. But I do wear this hat and I do think it looks really good. You know what I agree. I think it's a really cool hat.

I'm going to take the headphones on and put it on and you can see me. Hold on. Okay. You got to find the camera. You're looking for the camera in that. There's two cameras and he's cute. You look like Roy Overson in a wheelchair right now. I have these glasses on that look kind of dark.

I put this big black hat on and you said it and I'm in a swivel chair moving from camera to camera and Gourley said it looked like Roy Overson in a wheelchair, which is true. Absolutely true. And I just did look at myself on the Zoom camera doing that and I did think I look like a pornographer. No. Oh God. Come on.

And not a pornographer who's making a good living, someone who's losing, I'm the only guy in the world who's losing money trying to sell pornography. It's so hard to lose money in porn. And I'm losing a ton of it. I'm doing so badly as a pornographer that local home-owned bookstores are donating money to me to keep my pornography business going. We what? Yeah.

Some ladies that are just trying to run bookstores that sell fiction, high-class fiction and drama are like, we feel bad for him. So they all get together and they take a collection. I have a little shop that sells antique models, but I'm doing better than that poor pornographer who can't seem to get it together. Yeah, it's just because I only do Kaiser helmet porn. It's just porn. Oh my God.

It's just porn where everybody in it's wearing a Kaiser helmet with a point. Sam's applauding. Yeah. And everyone's like, this is awful. And I'm like, look, this is my vision. It's standard hardcore pornography, but everyone's wearing a Kaiser's helmet. We can't. We have to get going.

It's such a great show today. Such a great show. My guest today is an Emmy and Tony award-winning actress who originated the role of Glinda in the hit Broadway musical Wicked. Now you can see her in the Netflix original movie, Holiday. As well as the witches on HBO Max. She also hosts the Food Network series Candyland. She's doing way too much.

She must be stopped. I'm thrilled she's with us today. Extremely talented. Kristen Chenoweth, welcome. You know, you and I have a certain chemistry that is undeniable, undeniable chemistry. No question. So you're going to agree with that, right? Listen, I want to disagree, but I can't.

Right. You desperately want to deny it, but we have a thing. But I can't. Whenever we're around each other. We have a full thing. I don't know what it is. I honestly don't know what it is, but I've known you for years coming on the show. And from the second I first met you, I was like, this is a kindred spirit.

We are versions of the same person. The only difference being you've, you've been blessed with incredible talent. But that aside, I am just, and I was trying to figure out what is it, and then I thought I think you and I are both the kind of people that when the lights go out, we get the trucks to turn on their lights and we jump up on a hood and we give the people a show. Is that what it is? Yes, also to add to what you just said, because I too have thought about what you said about you and I, not only that, but whether we make a million dollars or 200, we're going to go

for it. Yes. But you mean a million dollars or 200 million dollars? Because if it's 200 dollars, I don't give a shit. I'm not doing, I'm not doing jack shit for $200, but if it's anywhere between the two and 200 million range. No, I meant 200,000. I meant 200,000.

You know what I love about this podcast? It's relatable to everyone listening out there. Everyone driving around right now is like, he's right. I wouldn't do anything for less than two million dollars now to get to the refinery. No, it's true. I don't think it has. I've always said I'm very happy that show business seems to pay well, and I'm not going to complain about that.

But I don't think it's connected at all with the reason I do it. And I've always felt like you, and there's nothing I'll say about you, you feel to me like, I think there are a lot of performers that maybe you're a product of their times. I feel like I could put you in a time machine and put you back like 300 years and you'd be a big star 300 years ago. You just have that kind of talent that is not related to what's happening necessarily now. You just have, you have the pipes, you have that vivacity.

Wouldn't you say that's true, Shona? Absolutely. Yeah. I think that it's a timeless talent. Yes. For sure. Yeah. You just said what I said, but you...

I said it in a better way, I think. Yeah. Or eloquent. A timeless talent. Yeah, I know. I just like the whole time machine. I like the idea of... Hey, please.

Put me in a time machine. I'd probably fit. You know what I'm saying? Conan, you know what we are? I think you and I are a great combination of old school and new school together, meaning we both have both, right? I hope so. I don't know.

You're supposed to agree with me. No, no. I know you have it. I think that you're right. I'm not going to take this upward. You keep putting gloss on your lips. I'm addicted to chapstick. I know I'm not being paid.

It's very sensual. You're being very sensual as you put it on and you're exaggerating your movements. I've been alone in Canada. Look, I need to remind you that I'm a married man and your tricks won't work on me. I already know this. Okay. My God, you have no idea what she's doing. And I love her.

Oh, my wife. Frankly. Yeah, I know. I know. Everyone likes my wife better than me. Now you're drinking something? You've, what are you doing? Okay, yes, I see that.

You realize this is a podcast and you keep doing visual stuff. You keep doing visual bits. Kristen like doing funny bits with the chapstick and funny bits and you're a mime without a camera, without an audience. I don't know what's happening here. This is a podcast.

I call that a Monday. Okay. You're having your iced coffee very loudly and I'm trying to rain you in. That's right. But I don't think you're, I don't think you can be. You cannot rain me. No one can rain you in.

Nor you sir, nor you. You're a wild force. Listen, most of his hair is not mine. I'm happy to be anywhere near you. I, it's like water in a desert, okay? Water in a freaking desert. I realize nobody can see me. I'm just happy to be with my people.

Understood? I love that. I love that I'm your people. You are. God, you're so fidgety too. Sona, help me out here. Describe what's happening. Kristen Chenoweth, she's all over the map.

Yes. I think she's a lot like you in that way where she can't. I mean, it seems like Kristen, you can't sit still, which is I think typical of a lot of performers. I'll tell you what's killing Kristen and I right now. No audiences. Yes. And I think it has driven Kristen over the edge.

She's the first guest to say that she wants to pee on me. Which, honest though that may be, she's lost her mind. She's gone crazy because Kristen Chenoweth needs an audience the way any fish needs water. You do. And me too. The way you do, sir. Yes, I know.

You're so formal with the sirs. We are not in court. Let me remind you. You know what we should do, Conan? Why don't you and I, when it's safe, go on tour? Yes, I'll do it. Coco and KC. Yeah, well, listen, I think we'll give you top billing.

I think that's only right, but I... You can have top billing as long as I have the most money. Oh, okay. Well, all right then. My ego says go for it. If I get to have lead billing. Now listen, here's my question. I think you and I would destroy

if we had a live show together. We would absolutely destroy. I already know this. That's what I'm saying to you, sir. Okay, but here's what I'm saying to you, ma'am. Lady. Listen to me, lady. Listen to me, lady.

If we had a show together, here's the problem. Inevitably, I know you're a great singer. And everyone says, Kristen Chenoweth has a 45 octave range and she's amazing and she's the best singer that ever lived in the world. Well, guess what? I'm a singer too. And I will be acknowledged as a singer.

And I think that would be a problem if we shared a stage that I'd inevitably get to have my song and you would have a problem with that. What's it called? I can't sing? No, that is not what the song is called. I can't sing. I know what we could do together

and we would slay as the kids say. What? I really can't stay. It's cold outside. I've got to go. Of course we could only do it in the winter, but wouldn't we kill it? Well, isn't that,

is that the song that's become politically incorrect? Oh, great. It did, but they updated it. That explains my last record. Well, no, here's the problem is that I think on that song, it's a guy saying, you know, I want you to stay, I'll put something in your drink, you know.

Is that that song? Help me out. Matt, is that that song? Yeah, baby, it's cold outside. Yeah. Yes, it is. It's like the Christmas song with no consent. Yeah, yeah.

And she's saying like, I really should go. And he's like, hey, baby, you know, the doors is locked. You know, it's creepy. It doesn't always been killer. By the way, that explains my last record sales. What are you talking about? Well, that song's on it. And you didn't change the lyrics to,

you know, but I had a thought like, why am I going really can't stay? Really? I got to go away. Well, then go. Like the whole thing happened, but I didn't say anything. I bolted the door, you're not going nowhere.

I've ripped out the phone. This is our stench. No, I think that's the problem with that song. Good luck getting out. Good luck getting out. I've got friends on the cops. Oh my God. Dad's the district attorney.

My mom is a lawyer. Yeah. But no, I do think, I think you're going to have to acknowledge that I have some singing ability. I mean, I know not compared. You're a musical, you're a musical person. Well, why can't you just say, yeah, you're a really good singer. Why can't you say that with an operatic range?

Because that's all I have in this life. Let me have it. Okay, let you have it. Okay, I'll let you have it. You'll be the singer of the two of us. Yes, please. You can have like your sort of pitch and I'll be right on the money.

Yeah, you can do all that stuff. Like I've seen you, you can disable a computer with your voice. There's all this stuff. You can launch missiles if you hit a certain. All these cool things that Kristen can do that I've seen her do, like she can make a car alarm go off. She can dial anyone's phone without even touching it

by going like, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. And then suddenly she knows, and she knows who to call. She can call, you know, the EMTs. It's really amazing. You must have known as you were a child that you literally have a superpower. I think you're the only person I know who has a superpower.

I think she froze up. Well, I thank you. Did she freeze up? But, oh no. Is it Botox or am I frozen? You realize, Kristen, many times I've called you and said we were doing a podcast and we weren't. I just wanted to talk to you.

I know it. To get away with it, I would then do long ads for State Farm Insurance. State Farm Repair, Start Fambi Place. I love Mattress Company. You know what, I've got to get a life because I know all the jingles. You know what I'm saying?

I know all the jingles. No, I know. But like I say, getting back to what I was talking about is I am bouncing off the walls because I love audiences. And then I'm thinking to myself, who loves an audience probably even more than I do, Kristen Chenoweth and Stalin. Those are the two, those are the two.

You know, people that love a big, adoring crowd. And I'm not in any way equating you with, Here we are. You know, that terrible mass murderer and despot. But I sometimes, I'm one of those people that thinks, if there's no crowd here, do I even exist? And I feel like you might be one of those people. What are you doing?

Are you finding that you're performing more now for people? Like if I see anybody, even if they're eight feet away and wearing a mask, I try and get them to laugh in a way that often means they call the police. What are you doing? How are you getting your performer fix these days? I feel badly for my hotel mirror

because nobody's there. And yet I'm performing inside my bathroom in the mirror. And next door to me in Vancouver is Alan Cumming. And he bangs on the wall like, stop singing or stop doing your concert dialogue. But it sucks. Okay, there I said it. It stinks.

I hate it. I feel starved. And I don't know what that says about me. Like, am I a narcissist? But it's really the relationship between artist and audience that only live performers as opposed to dead, only live performers understand. Did you make a Hong Kong sound?

Of course you did. Of course. No, no, but I understand. I understand what you're saying is that it is so hard to, and look, everyone's dealing with it in their own ways, but we've got to figure out a way to get audiences back. We've just got to. How do we do it, Connor?

Well, that's what I thought the podcast should be about. How do we do it? Is the two of us cracking it. Now they talk about there's going to be a vaccine that's 90% effective. And I don't think that's the way to go. Well, because what if, what if you're that 10% that tries it, you know what I mean?

Whoopsie daisy. Yeah. No one says whoopsie daisy when they contract COVID. That's never, whoopsie daisy. What happened? Long's filling with fluid. That's never happened. That's not what happened.

How do you know? Were you there in every single case? No. No. Maybe somebody went whoopsie daisy. At what point when the virus, the microscopic virus entered their lung, is that when they said whoopsie daisy?

Maybe. Okay. Who are you to say? Who am I to say? Okay, let's talk about this. You say that you're in Vancouver right now and Alan Cumming is in the room next door. If I had to count the number of times

I've checked into a hotel or a motel and Alan Cumming was in the next room, I don't mean, I would be, it's like several hundred times. He's always every, you know, he just ask anybody, ask any celebrity who's in a hotel, who's in the next room. It's always Alan Cumming. He just lives in hotels.

He just goes in hotels and complains when other performers try and warm up. He's always complaining about the noises I'm making if you know what I mean. Ow. I know what you mean. Ow. Okay, you always have to do better than me.

Yes, I do. All right, I'm gonna show you some of my vocal range and then it's time for you to be blown away. Mama Shaba. Now, look at that. That was at least seven octaves in there, all at the same time. It was, but I don't know anyone who would pay

and also your tongue comes out of your brain when you do that. So. Right, that's supposed to be erotic. That is supposed to be what gets the people in. In another situation, perhaps. I understand. Help me because again, I don't have your abilities.

What do you do to be able to do? I mean, obviously you were born with this talent, but what do you have to do every day to keep the old pipes in tune? Well, I mean, probably similar to you, not really, but I have to get in the shower, warm up, because the steam opens up the vocal folds, as we see. And then I like to work out the bottom part of my register

and the top part of my register, which some would say my top is always warmed up if you know what I mean. Good God. Top's warmed up if the bottom's in good shape. I don't know, I'm trying to follow you on this. Anybody wanna jump in? Conan.

Yes. Listen to me speak. Isn't my top always warmed up? Yes, yes it is. Your top is always warmed up. I mean, I sound like I've sucked helium. Your top is always warmed up. Yes, Conan.

Again, again with the lip chapstick. What's going on? I'm nervous. I just miss you and I need you in my life and I need this, okay? I'm sweating. I'm yabba-dabba doing everywhere, okay? Okay.

In another universe, let me ask something. Just like you. And I think my wife would be okay with me asking you this, but in another universe, say, before I married whatever, would you and I, could we have ever made it as a couple, do you think? Okay, here's what. Number one, I come up to your belt, so there's that.

Number two, I feel like we would pull on, let's get it on and then after a month, we'd be like, but wait, it's my stand up time. You listen. Exactly. Like which one would give up the spotlight? But I love that you said, here's what makes me happy. You said we'd have our get it on time

and you implied it would last a month. And I, now there's two ways to take it. I like that. There's the, I don't know how to take that. First of all, there's the, that it actually would last a month, which would make me feel amazing if word got out that it was a month long sexual orgy.

That would be fantastic. The other is that you think you'd be like, after a month, yeah, that's the maximum amount of time I could be Conan O'Brien's, I'm gonna say lady. And vice versa. No. And vice versa. I'd be that clingy, weird guy that kept,

even after you told me very clearly it's over, I'd still keep showing up. So I just thought maybe we could, but it wasn't clear. Who's this guy? What's he doing here? I really can't stay. I'm about to go away. You know what, you, I always feel like

you have your choice of things to do, but you're the perfect person. And I don't know if it's that the format has gone away, but to bring back the variety show, like that's, you'd be so fantastic at being the star of that kind of Carol Burnett variety show. And I'm guessing that's something that you've always been kind of intrigued with.

Two things. Number one, if that ever happened, the first person on my list, and you can ask three arts management is Conan O'Brien with me. That's number one. You could ask them. Really? You want me up there, you want me on the show.

I'd be like the Lyle Wagner, the handsome guy in sketches. Harvey Corman more, Harvey Corman, Harvey Corman. Right, okay. Like yeah, a guy that looks like Lyle Wagner, but has the comic ability of a Harvey Corman. Got it. Second thing I want to say about it is, one of my mentors, I have two, is Carol Burnett.

And we talk about it quite often. And she gives me the best advice, only do it if it can be done like, and she's not saying this about herself, right? She's saying this about the show and all the elements that came to it. Only do this if it's been being done right, the way we did it with Bob Mackie, like costume designer.

Yep, yep. Orchestration, decor, you know what I'm saying? Yep. That's the way to do it. And if it can't be done that way, which is expensive as we both know, then why? Right, this is something I think you can relate to. I think when the pressure's on,

my assumption about you is that when there's a lot of people watching and things, and of course this is what you cut your teeth on, but Broadway, an audience, it's gotta be right now and it's gotta be perfect, that actually helps, you need that. That enhances your performance. That makes you much better, that moment of right now,

and it's gotta be perfect. You need that pressure. I do better with the pressure. My mom and dad have told me that since I was a little, well, younger person, and they said since she was a fairy. Is it true that you were much taller? You were much taller when you were younger, right?

You've got a whole Benjamin Button thing going on. I've seen pictures of you when you were like three and you were seven feet tall. Amazon, Amazon, Heidi Klum, watch out. Yeah, but it's hard to explain to people who don't have that. At the same time, I don't mean to sound arrogant. It's just, I don't know how to not do anything else.

I don't know how to not show up. When people say to me, don't worry about it till on the day. I don't know what on the day it means. And that's the other thing too is that people are always saying, what are you talking about? It's just this small thing, you're just gonna get up and you're gonna say some comments and then they're going to cut the ribbon

on the brand new swimming pool at the YMCA and I'm just as nervous as if it was White House Correspondents Dinner. So it doesn't, I don't know what that is. I've tried using all kinds of medications and nothing changes. Hello, hello Zolok. So listen, I want to say something

about this very subject. Song isn't just a song to me. It's a whole thing. Doesn't matter how short or long it is. Doesn't matter how casey or cone it is. It still matters. It's funny because you're also naturally so good with audiences.

You're very funny and you're very funny on your feet and I can tell you love that part of it, which is the old school. I got to get out there. I got to make these people laugh. And it may be, it'll be completely different laughs than any that I've gotten before, but I'm getting these with these people tonight.

And that's proof to them that this isn't just a formula that you crank out for everybody. No, in fact, like I said, some of my best shows been in Schenectady or who's What's It Built? It never seems to be like Carnegie Hall or like Walt Disney Hall. Of course, they're wonderful.

But to me, I'm happy with them. But at the same time, some of the just random places. Right. It's just a lesson to us who do what we do live, let it go, throw it out there, listen, two ears, one mouth, listen to the audience and feed off of it. The first advice I got when I came out to LA,

and this is God, such a long time ago, it was just after World War II, and I came out to LA and just off my ship, got off in the Pacific, San Francisco, and then made my way down on an old tramp steamer and sort of hung out with some hobos for a while. Was a private detective for about two years.

And then finally made my way to Los Angeles and that gets us to about 1985, 86. And when I got there... When I was born. Yeah, when I got there, when I got there, I remember taking an improv class and the teacher stopping me

and I was getting a lot of laughs, but the teacher stopped me and said, your problem is you think too much. And I knew then that she was wrong. Learned the same thing. And that I just needed to keep doing it my way. And that's why. No, but she was right, she was right.

Like listen and see where, what the opportunities are and see what's going and see what's happening and follow that. Golly, it sounds like we had the same teacher. My teacher said, I can see you trying to be clever and advanced, therefore you're not exactly in the moment. Everybody else loves it,

but I see you. And when she nailed me for that and she was right, it's a constant voice in my head, not the other voices. The ones that aren't telling you to kill and kill again. Yeah. Go to the light, Caroline, go to the light. No, it's true.

I think the only thing that's strange about this format, this podcast format, which I started on just a complete lark, was that I like that you can't really have too much of a plan going in. You can, but it's really not what it's about. It's about following whatever undulations

and curly cues and little eddies you come upon. And that's usually where the really good stuff is. It's not trying to force it. And then later on, adding kooky sound effects. You had me to a little eddy. You know a small stream. You know what an eddy is, something like that, right?

Yes, a little, What? It's a little stream. Matt Gorley, help me out. It's a whirlpool. It's a little whirlpool. Yeah, it's like a stream. Well, it's in a stream that will be an eddy.

What? Yeah, you're right. No, yeah, you're right. It's a little whirlpool. Kristen, would you please be quiet while we sort out what an eddy is? This is a time for you to stand down. Yes, sir.

Standing down on a little eddy note. Snap away. Look at you again. Look at you. What is that? Help me out. It's not just so that people at home don't think I'm a creep.

Kristen has spent most of the interview luxuriating with her... It's a touch-up. Chapstick lip. Is it a touch-up? It's Canada. I'm dry. I'm dry as a bone.

Probably not the sexiest thing I've ever heard. See, now Matt's doing it too. Matt, when you do it, it's not sexy. No, it really isn't. Kristen is doing all this stuff and I'm just losing my mind. And then the shot of you is, it looks like you're some kind of a rodent chewing on a stick.

Yeah, I'm with you. I'm gonna leave. No, no, no, I, not that just, it was good. It stopped me from getting too carried away. Well, listen, if anybody takes any one thing out of this podcast, it's that Kristen Chenoweth and I had there been an alternate universe where we were together.

It would have been a very passionate month. It would have lasted a month. I know, a very passionate month, but I'm gonna say too much passion that you would have realized that will destroy me. That's too much passion, it will destroy me and I must get away from this man. Did I interpret that correctly?

Let's not go crazy. What? What? Probably lost my mind there a little bit. I apologize to everyone listening. How did you twist it like that? Don't you love the modern technology and the delay and, isn't it just our work?

It is, it is, it is. They have this technology, I'm told advanced technology that allows me to speak to you while you're in Vancouver, but then pretty soon it starts to become, you say something and then I wait while it comes through a pneumatic tube over 600 miles in a canister and then I read it

and I go, huh, Kristen said that she likes the cut of my jib. Maybe I'll flirt back and tell her, you're not so bad yourself. And I put it in a little canister and it shoots towards you. That's what we've been reduced to. And I'll say, is this from Little Eddie? Little Eddie, it's my nickname.

I can't stop, I can't, it's not my... It's a comedy killer, but yet we're still killing it if I'm, you didn't ask, but I'm telling you. Well, also we can add huge laughs at any point here. It's, I can afford that. Why don't we do that? Why don't we just add massive, massive laughs and huge cheering sounds.

Matt, will you do that for us? Yeah, this podcast was filmed before a live studio. Yeah, this, we took no COVID protocols. No one was tested, no one wore a mask. We were all sitting on each other's laps and... Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon, is it? Another note I can't hit. I need to go away.

No, you don't. Well, I wanna ask you about this show Candyland. It's on the Food Network, it's the series. Tell me about Candyland. Is this the actual game Candyland? Does it have anything to do with that game? Well, first of all, Conan, when the Food Network called, I said, I have to wait and think about this

because I'm such a baker. I thought about it for 20 seconds and we were in the pandemic. I thought, give me a face shield, put me on a set. Look at it as you're gonna learn something and you're gonna have these great artists molding and sculpting out of sugar and confection. I just, they're real artists.

What they do is true artistry. I could never do it. I can play Candyland at age five. But when I walked on the set, it was like Candyland had come to life and I was just one of the game pieces. It was a wonderful surprise. You know what it is?

It's architecture, the really good bakers, candy makers. They're architects. They're actually thinking about like load bearing and how is this gonna be three-dimensional and how is this going to sparkle and shine and work? So it's pretty awesome. It's pretty amazing. Are you, now do you get to then eat?

The whole set was edible, Conan. So I walked on set. The trees were cotton candy and the set designers like, please don't eat the trees. Leave the licorice lagoon alone. It was incredibly hard for me not to nervous eat. I was nervous eating because there was lollipop village, lemon lime forest, peppermint forest.

Also when most of the candies are taller than you, and this is true, peppermint forest, the sticks of peppermint, I was like, did anybody ask my height? Because they completely went, everything was so massive. I just, I loved it. I just loved it. I loved it.

I miss it and you're gonna enjoy it because of the drama. Right, it's all the drama of, those are my favorite shows. The food competition shows are my favorite shows. I like shows where you have to have a skill. Those are the shows I like the most. And where people, you know, that's like Great British Baking Show

or any of these shows where someone is demonstrating that they have an ability and they actually know things. Those are the shows I like. I like those shows a lot better than, ha ha, you're stupid. And we've got footage of you making a mistake. I feel like that's cutting into what I do, you know? That's sort of what I've carved out that niche and people shouldn't leave it the fuck alone.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's yours, baby. We give it to you. Thank you. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing it. You're hosting this show. It's on the Food Network and it's called Candyland. This looks like it's gonna be great.

This was a show I can also watch with my kids. My son, who just turned 15, is an avid baker. He loves making cookies and stuff like that. And he also is always looking for a show like this. So I'll be watching this with him. He's 15. Yeah, he's 15. Did I take like five Ambien?

What happened? Seriously, what happened? They grow, time goes by. You and I have known each other a long time. He did grow. We did feed him and he did grow. And now- What's that like?

What is that like? I wouldn't know, sir. No, I wasn't taunting you. Listen, you're going to, there's still a chance. You could still grow. It could happen anytime now. I think there's a lot of hope for you. Really?

Here's my hope. My hope is that you and I get to the other side of this pandemic and I would love to get into it in front of an audience with you in any way. And if I have to take second billing and if I have to take a huge pay cut because all the money is going to the diva, the big star with the 35 octave range.

And I'm just the big goof. I'll do it. I'll do it because you and I will have a great time. Wouldn't that be fun? I'd love to do that. You heard it here. Oh yes, yes, it would be fun. And I would love it so much.

And you heard it here first, everybody. I didn't lure him. I didn't make him. I'll pay you later. You did lure me. You have been provocatively chap sticking your lips constantly this entire interview. And there you go again.

Good Lord, it's insanity. He's here too. All right, well listen, I want you to behave yourself while you're up there, okay? Much love. Much love to you. Much love to you. I know I wanna make sure I let you go

cause I think they said you have to be out in two minutes. And I wanna give you time to rehydrate your lips seven more times before your next Zoom interview. Okay. Can we please go on tour? Can we please go on tour when it gets safe? I bet you. All right, I could do a tour,

but we gotta find some things that I can do. Yes, I can get him to laugh, but people need to know that I can sing as well. Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. And I'm doing a thing with my voice. I sound like Rudy Valley in 1924. On a phonograph that's made of human shit. Human shit.

Human shit. Human shit. Human shit. Human shit. All right, well, God bless you. I do love you, Kristen Chenoweth. You're one of my favorite people. And let's see each other on the other side

of this madness, okay? Yes, I love you. Same back at you. Bye, guys and ladies. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Let's do a little review the reviewers. This is also a good time to say that listeners should rate and review this podcast and I'll tell you what, you give it a five star rating, there's a better chance of getting your review talked about on this segment. So go to Apple Podcasts and do that. So we're actually, we're skewing the reviews by saying that.

Yeah. And that's okay. That is generally an accepted behavior in podcasting, whatever it takes to get the highest reviews. It's like a little like extortion. Yeah, it's payola. Yeah. So we might mention you if you give us a five star review.

Yeah. Look, I hope the quality of our work or craftsmanship, if you will, would be enough to garner us a five star review. But if that's not the case, yes, we will mention you and who knows, we might send you like a case of Bartlett-Pairs. What? We're not going to. No.

I just said that as an example of something that might happen slash will never happen. No. You'll never get Bartlett-Pairs from us. Okay. This first review is five stars. Wow. How did that happen? From Chow We How, and the title is Conan is the best English teacher ever.

Conan O'Brien, I'm Howie Chow from China. I've made a huge progress on my English since I started listening to your podcast during this pandemic. Every day, no matter what I'm doing, I want to hear your voice. I imitate your pronunciation, repeat what you said in the show, try to speak in authentic English, and now every people who talk with me says that I sound like a pervert. Oh my God. Five stars.

That got me. That got me. That was good. You know what? He had me. He seemed so sincere, and then at the end, pervert. That's fantastic. I'm proud.

I've met many people over the course of my many years doing this who've told me all that they could get was our show, or they used to watch the show when they were in a foreign country, and that's how they learned English. I think your English, Sona, improved a lot. No, no, no, no, once you started working for me. I'm a national speech champion, so I was already crushing it. Yeah, have you ever talked about that? You're very proud of it.

Yeah, I talk about it all the time. I know. Now, was that graded on a curve of you came from Armenia so that it was— Wow. No, no, I'm just—I'm trying to understand. Hey, if you learned to speak English by listening to Conan, do you pronounce Saturday Night Live? Saturday Night Live?

Saturday Night Live? It's Saturday Night Live, because I told—I explain this to everybody. Lauren was actually born in the South. People don't know that. He was born in Toronto, and then he lived for a while in the South, and so he does pronounce it Saturday Night Live, and we always do a little tip of the cap to Lauren. Every time you talk to someone and you— You have hard Gs.

You have very hard Gs. Oh, wow, okay. Sorry, you do. Oh, let me go cry about it. Your Gs are like a big glass ashtray climbing on the floor. If there's a G at the end of the word, I pronounce it, so maybe you do it wrong. That's all. No, you'll say, that's a nice ring-a.

That's a nice ring. It's just ring. Ring. No, there's no guh. You've been through this a lot. Howie. Saturday Night Live. I'm proud of you.

That's very cool that we've helped you. I'm sorry that you sound like a pervert, but if you imitate a man who deep down is perverted and has perverted feelings, then you're going to eventually sound like a pervert. That's on you, Howie. There are many great people you could have listened to and not sounded like a pervert, but you chose an actual man who deep down at his core is a pervert. But I'm very proud of that, and I hope you're listening to me more than you're listening to Sona because her Gs are very hard.

Guys, as an objective editor of this podcast, I can tell you it's true, Sona does ring her Gs harder, but there are things you both do that I have to fix. Like Conan, you start a lot of phrases with mouth snaps. You know why, don't you? To get attention? No. That's not why I do it. I mean, sometimes it gets people to stop speaking because it sounds like you're about

to speak. It's a little signifier. You know why I do it, don't you? Oh, I just heard it. Yeah. That's the sound of me taking little pills that keep me alive. So fuck you. I have to take constantly, I have these very small pills.

Hold on. They're these very small pills I have to take that sustain my life because I have a very unknown condition. Very unknown. Very unknown. It's not unknown. It's very unknown. It's very unknown.

And the only, they thank God, they found these pills. They're very small and I have to take them often when I'm starting a sentence. Well the listener might not know it because I cut a lot of them out. Right. And you clear your throat a lot. Oh, I do. I know that I do that. See I take ownership of the things that I do and the things that I say and pronounce

incorrectly or if I clear my throat, I'm like, yeah, you're right. I do that. I don't say I take a life saving pill that no one knows about just to make up for my way. And you're in broadcasting. You've been in broadcasting. Have I really? Yeah.

For 28 years. You know, can I just say I've never really been a professional. I've been someone who found myself in broadcasting and behaved in this outrageous way. And it has been somehow a career. But I'm not one of those people that went to broadcasting school or ever had, no one ever gave me any training. So if there's the occasional lip smack as I eat tiny little pills that keep me alive, let's let it go.

Look what Howie's done to you guys. No, no, you know what? Let's stick to the bigger picture. Oh, there it was. Did you hear that? He has cleared my throat. He has cleared her throat and let's just hope she never says Ringling Brothers Circus. Let's just hope you never start a sentence.

That's why I keep talking so I never have to start. Life saving pills. I thank you very much for editing the show and making it sound good. But let's stick to the inspirational part of this, which is a man named Howie who lives in China is learning to speak English by listening to our podcast. And that to me is a beautiful thing. It's proof that we can learn from each other, be brothers and be sisters. I think that's a beautiful thing.

Okay. Hold on a second. Hold on. More life. Get to live a little longer. Oh, you guys. This is awful. I didn't mean to do this to you.

Come on. Yeah, you took two people who don't get along and got us not getting along. This wasn't even about me. This question was about you. That's another thing you do. Me. You extend your ease. Is that true, Matt?

Oh my God. Is that true? Me. She'll say, I don't know. Don't bother me. This question was not about me. It was about you. I don't know why I got sucked into it.

I honestly don't know. He told you you sound like a perv and then you just started talking about my heart, geez. I don't know why a guy that goes, would sound like a perv. There's nothing pervy at all about that. Don't do that sound. Don't do it in the microphone like that. Oh. I don't even think it's that.

He said it was like a. Yeah. Is it a. Yeah. Where did you get that? Wait a minute. How we didn't even bring it up. It's our genius producer over here who decided to dredge up the worst parts of our show.

And there are dirty laundry in front of everybody. That's terrible. Yeah. You're just a genius. Yeah. Real brain trust or as you would say, genius. Okay. This needs to end.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Corley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salataroff and Jeff Frost at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured

on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Earwolf.