Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Kumail Nanjiani Returns

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Kumail Nanjiani feels skeptical about being Conan O’Brien’s best friend. Kumail sits down with Conan once again to discuss being an awkward kid, discovering his identity as an adult, and his upcoming miniseries Welcome to Chippendales. Later, Conan revels in his own bravery after getting not one, but two shots at a doctor’s visit.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Camille Nanjiani, and I feel skeptical about being Conan O'Brien's best friend. Oh wow, you added best friend. Oh my god, it doesn't say. It doesn't say. It doesn't say. You know. Well guess what?

Guess what? I don't really have a best friend. Are you looking? I am. I bring a lot to the table. You do. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We are very excited.

This is kind of cool, actually. Not just because I'm joined as always by Sonoma Sessian and Matt Gorley. Hello. That was creepy. But. I don't know why you say that. Because you do like. Hello.

I'm just trying to like be innocuous so you'll move on. I'm Batman. That's not creepy if I'm Batman. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I'm Batman. Yeah. Oh. I'm Batman.

You? Hey. I'm Batman. I saw him. You're not the same. I'm Batman. Most nights I'm Batman. That sounds really good.

I am Batman. No. Your voice did something. I'm Batman. Oh my God. Help me. I'm Batman. Help me.

Batman needs to see an ENT immediately. He's got a large polyp in his throat. No. What I wanted to mention before we got off on this whole Batman stupidity was that starting tomorrow. This is exciting. Starting tomorrow, and I say I, meaning we, have a serious XM channel, Team Coco Radio. Team Coco Radio is going to be on channel 106 and it's just like, I don't know.

This is very exciting. Now, the podcast is going to be also streaming on there at times. What do you think that means? How do you think that's different from how people normally listen to podcasts? I'm just curious. I've always imagined, as you know, I'm not a sophisticated man of the current times. Really? Because when I think of you, I think of your title being sophisticated man of the current

times. I've always thought when we do the podcast, it always felt to me like it was just radio. So I always picture people listening to the podcast on a mid 1960s transistor radio. Live as we say it. Live as we say it, and they're walking down the beach and they're thinking about, are they going to vote for musky in the election or not? And so, I don't think about it. I talk into the microphone and then people on the street seem pleased with what's happening.

And so it just seems to me like it's radio anyway. So now, and you're always giving me a hard time because you love to point out that I'm a fool and this isn't radio, it's podcast. It's different. Wow. Now though. I'm right. Now, I'm on the radio.

Hey, are you excited? I am. I'll tell you why. It's going to play the Sirius XM channel 106, Team Coco Radio, is going to play all the podcasts, but also there's going to a lot of original content that we're going to put on there. And there's a lot of stuff from our many, many, many years of making foolishness that's going to appear on that channel.

And it's been a lot of fun to start curating things. And we've done some, you know, recordings, a lot of recordings already. And it's been, I just end up laughing a lot. It's fun. So I love the idea of wasting people's time in a new creative way. Yeah. It's your real talent. I'm always looking for a new medium.

And now we've infected what was a very popular and successful entertainment outlet. We've, don't say it like that. This is exciting. Sirius XM. You know what this means? Anytime you rent a car, anytime, and you feel like, Sona, okay, I'm on a trip with my kids, Mikey and Shirley, and my husband, Tak, and we're in our nice rental car. Man, I wish I could hear more Conan and Brian.

Oh. Yes. Hold on. Serious. Does this rental car have Sirius? I bet it does. I'm not interested. Yeah.

I'll just go to 106. Can I trade in my car? Can I trade in this car? I just rented. An old Volkswagen from the 60s. I just want to get a pony. You know, one of the fun things is getting to talk to some of the writers and producers that were there when we did all this ridiculous stuff that I don't even remember happening.

Yeah. You have a really big thing. Thank you very much. Let's end right there. Wow. Sirius radio has changed you, Sona. Yeah. It's a portfolio of work.

Portfolio. I couldn't even have another one. What is the other one? Library. What did you say? Library. Library. Hello.

My name is Conan O'Brien. Behold my comedy portfolio. Wow. Look at that. Scrobbing portfolio. That hot. Scrobbing. Check out my portfolio.

Zip. Swap. Oh my, that's some portfolio of comedic adventures. Give me that portfolio. I don't know the thing. Yeah. It's a lot of stuff. It's not everybody that's given a full channel on Sirius XM.

I looked into it. A lot of people are. Really? No. No. It's nice. I'm excited about it. There have been times I have to admit where I, you know, I'm a fan of Sirius XMs and I'll

be listening to, you know, you listen to like a Howard Stern or you listen to the Beatles channel I really like or I really like the Elvis channel. But then, you know, I'm like, this is all fine and everything, but where am I? And then I think maybe I'm over here. No, it's Ozzie's Boneyard. Oh. You know, maybe I'm over here. No, it's Lithium.

Well, where am I? I know that's a very egocentric thing to say. So you were at one point looking for yourself thinking you had a channel and you. I'm sad to admit I did. Oh. There's a couple of years there where I would always be very excited and I would turn to the kids when we were in a car and say, listen to me, guys, let's find my Sirius XM channel and it didn't exist and the kids would then tease me.

But then we'd listen to Ozzie's Boneyard. Do Matt and I get our own channels too? Oh, I'm looking into it. Really? Yeah. They're going to be pretty high up. Oh. I'll take it.

There's channels, very few people know that there are some Sirius channels in the high 2000s. Yeah, the rarefied air. It's like a penthouse channel. Yeah. Yeah. Which is what mine will be. Program like 20 minutes of stuff and then that could just be on a loop.

If you just played, and this is something we have to do, we have to get your husband's Soviet era toys, children's toys, you know, you have to bring those in and that's what we could feature on Conan's Sirius XM channel, playing these toys that tell you to, you know, turn in anyone who has strayed from the Communist Party line. I love a tour where you pull the string and it monitors you closely. And asks you for your papers. Yeah. Your papers.

Where are your papers? It's all in Russian. I have no idea what it's saying. Ah, here's a nice little stuffed bear named Grootie who asks you for your papers. You will come with me now. There's another, there's another little, he has a friend who's a little rabbit who translates. You must go with him now. Well, anyway.

Checkpoint Charlie. Anyway, I think we're going to have a lot of fun over there. So it's, if you're inclined Sirius XM, Team Cocoa Radio channel 106, more foolishness, not to be taken seriously, but onward. Yeah. So people are listening on your channel right now, us telling them to listen to your channel. Yes. They should check out the podcast.

This is like that Escher drawing of a hand, drawing a hand, drawing a hand. Yeah. So if you're listening right now to the podcast and you want to hear more of me talking, you can go to Sirius XM, Team Cocoa Radio channel 106. If right now you're listening to channel 106, you might want to check out the podcast. Wait till we release this on vinyl. Wherever your podcasts are available. And yes, all of this will be on vinyl within the year and then it will be on a wax cylinder.

Yeah. Yeah. And then they have those target gift cards that play little sound bites and it'll just be one of those. I'll cut that. That doesn't work. It's not worth saying. I will not rest until I'm on a monitor in a gas station.

There's been times where I've been like driving through Nevada and I stop at a gas station and there's a little monitor there as I put my unleaded gas in and it's some actor or comedian talking to me and I think, man, that's when you know you've made it. Someday. Someone has to look at you while you're filling your car with gas and you're enraged at the high prices. I'm Mario Lopez. You're paying too much for your unleaded.

Check out these prices. There's a slim gym inside. I'm Mario Lopez and I can't escape this gas station. I'm actually inside this stream. I'm actually in this tank right now. The fumes are killing me. All right. We've got it started.

Such a great show today. My guest is a very funny actor, comedian and writer who has starred in such films and shows as the big sick Silicon Valley Obi-Wan Kenobi and Eternals Now. You can see him in the new Hulu series, Welcome to Chippendales. I love this guy. Thrilled he's here with us today. Kumail Nanjiani, welcome. You are very talented.

I've been enjoying your comedy. You're a hilarious person and you've had this incredible career arc. I would be proud to call you my best friend and there's a couple of people out there listening right now who think they're my best friend. Yeah. Like Timothy Olyphant. Exactly. Is it really him?

No, he's not my best friend. You guys are one of the famous friendships. Those famous friendships. Like, you know, Mulaney and Pete Davidson is a famous friendship. Right. They're like famous friendships and I feel like you and Timothy Olyphant are. I want it to be. I love that guy, but you know, he'll go off for seven months at a time.

He's a working actor in demand and he'll be making a movie in Wales and I don't see him and I can't have that in the best friend. You I know are very busy. And I'll I'll be around. You know, you'll make time. Yeah. That sounds so sinister. Oh, you'll make the time.

It's very needy. Yeah. Unbreaking eye contact. You haven't blinked for the last three months. My eyes are painted on. I'm a creepy doll in the museum. You're one of those people who the minute I see you, I feel like, oh, Kumiya and I could talk for maybe like four hours about things we like.

It's so great to hear because I feel the same way about you. And the last time we ran into each other was at a restaurant. Exactly. You introduced me to Martin Short and Liza, who I don't think I had met before. She's lovely. Yeah. And Martin Short, I was, you know, very, very excited to meet. What a nice guy.

You had a cool group together. I had a nice group. You came by, you said hi, and then you walked away. And then when I went, oh, I was like, would you introduce me to Martin Short? You were like, come by. So I went over like. You asked me. It was sweet because it was a nice moment because you were so sweet about, oh my God,

if you could just introduce me to Martin Short, that would be like a nice, I've never met him. And so it was one of those nice moments in life where all I had to do was say, oh, Marty, Kumiya, and, you know, he was very happy to meet you. I did nothing except you treated me as if I had done you this huge favor. Even though all I did was. Now that I think about it, you didn't do very much. I didn't do anything.

So I need. Maybe you should be best friends with Martin Short. Yes. I feel like we would, we would have a good famous friendship going because he's a very nice giving man. I don't know. What are you giving me? Hold on a second.

Giving man. I love contrast. Yes. That's how it was. That's how it was laid out. Well, what I mean is when I met him, I think he understood how much he meant to me. And so he was like extra kind because he knew that him being nice to me would mean a lot to me.

And the other thing that happened was this is going to feel like a name drop. But you, you, you came, you said hi to people at our table. There was a gentleman sitting next to me and you talked to him for a while. Good to see you, whatever. And then you went and sat down when it came. Met Martin Short. He was lovely. And then you were like, Hey, who's the guy sitting next to you?

And I said, you and McGregor. What? Is that, is that. I didn't recognize that it was you and McGregor. He had a big beard. And it was a, it was outdoors because it was still one of those COVID situations, famously hard to see outdoors at night with bad lighting. He was wearing a T-shirt that said, I'm you and McGregor and I didn't recognize him right

away. I just said hi. I was very pleasant to him. And also I'm going to say this. You were very pleasant and you didn't recognize him. I stood behind. I was, I was talking to you. He had his back to me and I kind of did one of those highs around the corner thing.

So I didn't really get a good look at him. I swear to God. That Scottish accent. What about that? And those eyes. He didn't say my hair. He didn't say much. Did you act like you recognized him?

No. I thought he was, I was, I was just being very polite to a human being. You were being very polite and I didn't realize that you didn't recognize him and like you did a good job. And obviously as soon as it went back, I was like, Hey, by the way, he had no idea who you were. I'm joking. I didn't do that.

But I did not do that. I've interviewed you and McGregor. I love you and McGregor. I love his work. But I was, when I saw him, I didn't get a good look at his face. He has a big beard. It's dark out. Yeah.

Because he's playing Obi-Wan Kenobi. No, but he had a lightsaber at the time. Yeah. But he wasn't wearing a kilt. He didn't have a Tamil center. Oh, no. Oh, no. I saw him.

Why are you directing it outwards? I saw him. I saw no bagpipes. Why are you attacking him? You know, he wasn't saying, can you score me some heroin for my heart and train spotting? I mean, things that were. I like that you needed clarification for what movie you were referencing. The most famous heroin movie that is that introduced us to you and McGregor.

Really? Is it the most famous heroin movie? Yeah. There are so many. I think Wizard of Oz is a heroin movie. The poppies? The poppies? I mean, I'm sorry.

They all get high on the poppy field and collapse. I mean, you could have said Requiem for a Dream, which is obviously like a drug movie. Uh-huh. I want to say you said something to me at that thing that I thought was. By the way, who is Ewan McGregor? Oh, God. Oh, my God. Matt's going to explode right now.

You're talking about Obi-Wan Kenobi. Oh, please. No, that was Alec Guinness. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Wasn't he Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah. But come on.

Oh, let me guess. Did they make other Star Wars movies afterwards? Yeah. Oh, don't mess with perfection. I like that you're attacking Ewan McGregor. The one guy who is not at fault for you. Yeah. Really?

I'm really not attacking him. I swear to God. And Ewan, I know you're a big fan of the podcast and you're listening. I am not attacking you. I am sorry you had a giant beard. You were not wearing overtly stereotypical Scottish attire, which I think is the job of anyone from Scotland. Right. You recognized me because I was wearing a shellbark at the time.

You were? Yes. Yes. And I had a map of Pakistan with an arrow pointing and it said Homeland. Yes. How do you know who he is today? Because when he walked in, he was holding again the aforementioned map that had a big map of Pakistan and it said Homeland. Yeah.

So that helps me. Those things help me. And I brought the traditional sweets of my people. Yes. That's what Sona did when I first met her. She brought me the traditional dried pomegranate and apricot of the Armenian people. Yeah. And you're like, oh, you're Armenian.

Let me make fun of you for the next 14 years. I would never do that. You can't get away with that in this day and age and I never would. I floated in this country in a basket. Not true. But when we ran into each other, you said something very kind to me and I don't know if you want me to say it on the air. Maybe you don't and you can take it out, but it really meant a lot to me. You said, you know, I never worry about you.

That's true. That was such a wonderful thing to hear. It's like sort of like took me aback. Oh, really? Yeah. I really loved hearing that. Well, I meant it and then I actually referenced in the beginning of the episode, your career arc, but I first met you as a standup. Right.

You're doing standup comedy and you were so funny and your material was so sharp and well observed. And obviously standups, you write your own material. You have to have the fortitude to get up there and deliver it. And so I met you in that guys, then I saw you, as I said, in one of my favorite shows of all time in Silicon Valley. And I thought, I love this guy. I love the show. I thought everyone was perfectly cast. And that is a very hard thing to pull off.

It's, you know, in so many ways, the perfect show. And my son and I have really bonded over that show. We love that show and rewatch it a lot. And then you made the big sick and I just like, I, you know, you and your wife made it. And I was just seeing like, oh, this guy just keeps leveling up, which I thought was very impressive. And then you've had this whole other arc. Oh, thank you. So I'm, I'm, I don't worry about you.

Not that, not that I walk around. I worry a lot about you and McGregor worry. He hasn't had an adequate career. I just don't. You don't worry about Conan at all. And you can be honest. No, I don't worry about Conan. You know what's, what's, what is.

Dangerously insane. Yeah. Because I don't care. Well, that's another great way. So you don't really, and also to be fair, you don't really worry about anyone. Yeah. No, I worry about, I could count the people on my hands on a good day. My mother, brother, I really worry about Emily.

No, I, I, what it's been inspiring about your career is you've done so many things too. And you've been so good at finding, it's sort of, um, evolving yourself and, you know, doing these like long, long form interviews, which at the beginning, you know, I, for, obviously I watched The Simpsons, but it was your show on NBC that when I first started watching and you were doing like comedy that I had never seen on TV before. I'd never seen that kind of comedy. It was like surreal and risky and bizarre and it was awesome. And to see how, since then, all the stuff you've done now, um, sort of redefining yourself

over and over, it's really, really inspiring, continuing to be very funny and insightful and relevant. Oh, that's so nice. I, I, it is interesting that, um, you know, the Martin Shorts, the Steve Martins, all these people that I really admire from a generation or two before mine, they're restless and they're constantly trying to find that next way that they can explore whatever it is they have, whatever their talent is, they can explore it and, and define it. And, uh, that intrigues me.

That really fascinates me when people can do that. The other side of that though is, it's something I've been working on and I talked to Emily about a lot. She says, you don't ever take a moment to be like happy for anything you've done. Uh, she says, she calls it rest on your laurels. She's like, you should every now and then do that. But, um, I think to a fault for me, I don't have it. Like I just finished shooting Chippendales in July is the toughest shoot of my life.

It was very, very exhausting, very, very satisfying and wonderful and magical five months. And she was like, as soon as it's done, you're going to start freaking about what you're going to do next. And I was like, no, I'm so proud of this show and my work in it and everybody else is working at that. This time I won't have that. This time I won't think that this was the last job of my career and that now it's done. And then I took a week, I slept for a week and then on Monday I was like, this is it.

That's the end of my career. Nothing else is coming. What's next? Are you any good at being in the moment? Are you any good at, I've tried meditation and I cannot do it. I cannot just sit still. I eat quickly. I mean, you've seen Sona.

It's a disaster. It's just terrifying. You're like a wood chipper. Yes. Yes. And I eat quickly and I even say beforehand, okay, I'm going to cut my meal in half. I'm going to take each bite slowly. I'm going to put my fork down in between bites.

I say all that beforehand and then they put the food down in front of me and I, like a serial killer, black out. And when I wake up, everyone's dead. Oh my God. I've eaten all of them. It's not an eating problem. Yeah. You're right.

You know what? This is a good point, man. I wish someone else had pointed this out to me. The plate is still full of food. Oh, I haven't touched the food. But I've murdered and eaten everyone around me. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. This is a different problem I think I've wandered into. Yeah. I don't think that'll hold up in court. It's a weird alibi. Yeah. I really have a problem being in the present. I murder people at every dinner.

I don't think those words mean what you think they mean. I eat food super fast except dessert. I take tiny bites because I really love it a lot. But Emily's the same way. We like, if we go out with another couple, it's embarrassing because our food is done. I'm like literally like in four minutes, our entire food. Honestly, one of the reasons I didn't recognize Ewan McGregor is his face was covered in your food. You were eating so quickly that food was just flying.

Yeah. I just saw a beard with a lot of shredded beef on it and half two vegetables. Yeah. Right. You cover everyone around you with shredded food. Who's this guy with ravioli eyes? And why isn't he wearing a kill? So yeah, and I do meditate, especially when I'm working.

I meditate every morning. It really, really helps me sort of become present. Can you tell me what your technique is? Because I mean, I don't want to get too personal, but I have tried and tried and tried and I don't know how to do it. Well, my mind is, you know, they say it's whatever the mind is like a thousand monkeys. Mine all need Adderall. Each monkey needs Adderall. And now it's the opposite.

I've never heard that term. Never heard that. Just your therapist said that. This is the problem with your mind is you're making up these terms. Do you know how everyone's mind is a thousand crazy monkeys? Yeah. No, I don't know that. You know how when you go to eat quickly, you black out and you wake up and everyone's dead?

Yeah. So far, I'm an observational comic. Those observations no one can relate to. Do you literally think you have a thousand monkeys inside your head? I really do. Oh, see, this is a problem. Yeah, yeah. You know, sometimes when you're out and you're buying a sort of a 1920s diving suit, you

know, the kind with the brass helmet. Sure. And you're eating custard. You know, we've all been there, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you walk in and then suddenly there's a robot. Yeah.

My observations are no one's relating to anything I'm saying. I apologize. What would you like as a kid? Were you an anxious person? I mean, I was such an awkward, nerdy, weird little kid. And I sort of knew it and I sort of hated that about myself. I hate. I've always known that I was smart and I always had like, okay, I'm not cool.

I'm not good looking. I'm not good at sports, but I'm smart. So I was like, that's going to be the thing that's going to like get me. If I ever get anywhere, it's going to be that. So yeah, it was really like living a lot in the mind, imagining, thinking. That was sort of all I thought I could really do. And I was also like, I really poured myself into my studies. I studied a lot.

Me too. Me too. Did you really? Yes. Oh, I was a terrible grind. I studied all day, all the time. And I also, I sort of do look back. I wasn't really funny until college.

I come from a very funny family. My whole family is very funny. Extended family. Everybody's always making jokes. It's clearly like a value for us. Like it's important to all of us to be funny. It's not effortless. Everybody's like trying to get a laugh all the time.

But I felt like I couldn't really hang with that until college because I didn't really feel like a person until college because I felt like I had kind of nothing to offer. So I didn't know who I was. And then in college, suddenly people were like, hey, you're funny. I'm like, oh, I now have an adjective I can use to describe myself. I felt like that was the first time I really felt like I had anything was being funny. And then it sort of became the entire fucking world for a very, very, very long time. All I cared about was comedy.

And now I'm sort of, you know, I still obviously care a lot about comedy, but trying to do other stuff has been also very exciting. How old were you when you? I was 18. 18. I came on my own. I went to college. It's interesting.

You know, that's much later than I thought. What did you know about America when you came? What were you thinking? What were your preconceptions? I'd seen a lot. I've seen a lot of movies. So, you know, there's gremlins everywhere. Sometimes one day we'll just repeat itself.

You thought Harrison Ford was president? Yeah. Did you run into determinators? Yeah. I was like, I hope I don't. If I do, I hope it's later Arnold. What a terrible vision that you had. Yeah.

We don't get in a delorean until unless you want your mom to hit on you. So, I grew up. I understood all that about American culture. Did you see our commercials or no? You didn't see the commercials. I didn't really see very much commercials. I had an aunt in Singapore who would record like cartoons off the TV. So, I saw like foreign commercials like Singapore commercials,

which were a lot more like American commercials than Pakistani commercials. But I didn't and I remember I first visited America when I was like 13 or 14. And it was an ad for KFC and they were like ripping on McDonald's by name. Like they had like a clown who kind of looked like Ronald McDonald, but like fucked up looking. Yeah. And I was like, how can they do that? They could just make fun of another company.

I'd never. It's still, I mean, I'm still wondering right now how they could do that. You can't go after Ronald McDonald. You can go after McDonald's, but you can't. You can't go after Ronald McDonald. Wow. You're so angry about it. He's like a religious figure.

Okay. Yeah. And it flies. Yeah. The Pope. Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald. That's the way McDonald's burned the colonel in effigy as a retaliation.

It became a huge war. Yeah. It got, it was like East Coast, West Coast. Yeah. It got really, a lot of people died. Yeah. There's a lot of violence. Yeah.

They said Burger King to mediate. Yeah. Yeah. Hamburger became Ham murderer. Yeah. It was, so I knew that about American culture, but I was going to say, you know, I was so, I knew, I loved movies and TV so much. I didn't really leave the house very much.

Other kids played outside. I really watched movies and TV shows for like most of my life. And I played video games. So I feel very, very grateful that I get to work in this industry, that I have loved my entire life. My dad loved movies and that's who, but you know, someone like Emily, she understood that she was weird and different from everyone else.

And she really leaned into it. She was like a goth in high school in the seventh grade. She started dying her hair with, with Sharpie herself and kids would make fun of her. She would like draw all over her clothes. So it's interesting to see that, you know, both of us kind of felt like we didn't fit. And I tried to become invisible and she was like, fuck you,

I'm going to be the weirdest person in the world. That's so fascinating. I, you said something that I completely connect to, which is you didn't, you didn't know who you were, you know, when you're younger. And I remember very clearly having just thinking I, because I would look at my brothers and sisters and think that they all had, you know, they were all defined people.

And I remembered feeling like a Mr. Potato Head that they hadn't put any pieces on yet. They hadn't put the nose or the eyes on the mouth yet. Oh my God. That's heartbreaking. Yeah. And I remembered thinking just a potato then. Yeah. Just a, I was just a plastic potato, which is the worst kind.

No nutrients. Well, you are Irish. Yeah. Exactly. And so, and so mostly plastic. Yeah. And there's nothing inside and no one plays with me anymore. Just a hollow plastic. No one's wanted me in three years.

No, no, come on. Come on. We're just having fun. But I remembered thinking trying out, you know, I know I'll be civic minded guy, you know, I'll be, you know, What's that about causes? Was that what it was? Yeah.

You know, I'll be this guy. I'll be that guy. I mean, I would, I would try things and I didn't think, I didn't know what my natural enthusiasm's were. And I didn't think comedy counted, you know. And so, Yeah. I would just try things on at times and,

and, you know, and I remember telling my mother, you know, one day, Well, I'm going to go to law school. This is when I was like in 12 years old or something. And she went, Really? Cause she was really proud.

And I went, Yes, yes. And I'm going to be a great lawyer. And then later on saying, I'll be an author. You know, I would just declare these things that didn't have anything behind them.

Yeah. I had this thing in, in high school where, so I left Pakistan and I, and I came here and I sort of lost touch with all my friends from high school. And then I kind of got back in touch with them in the pandemic. And we, we sort of started talking again. And I was like, first of all,

I was like, oh, I stole all of your senses of humor. That's what I did. Yeah. They all talk exactly the way they talk then. And I was like, all right, I took all of that. This is something I say on your show that I learned from, you know,

my friend Tarek. And then one of them messaged me on the side and was like, why did you stop talking to us? Like we love you. And at some point you just stopped responding to us. And I realized that I thought in high school that I was this like charity case because I felt I had nothing to offer. And I thought they were just being nice to me.

That's why they wanted to hang out with me. And I told him that. And he's like, that's crazy. We all really liked you. And I just, at that age, could not imagine anybody liking me because like, I didn't think that there was anything to like. And so, you know,

I don't know what the point of that is, but it's being comfortable with myself and liking who I am. It took a long time. You went through this, obviously this physical transformation for the eternals. That's why I like myself is the only reason. That's why I like you now. That's why we all like you now.

Yeah. Yeah. I just want to get with you. Yeah. They didn't try to get in touch with me until I released those pictures on Instagram. Yeah. But I mean, I'm curious because there's got to be some,

you know, you've you've you're so in touch with who you were, maybe how insecure you were as a kid. And then you completely transform your body. And that's got to release all kinds of revelations. What I knew I always had was determination. And so there was a point where I was like, all right, I'm just going to like change how I look for this

thing now. What it weirdly did was, you know, as a kid, I had the, until I was like seven or six, I was the cutest kid you'd ever seen. I was adorable and I knew it. Like if I walked into a store, I knew it.

Is it because you had those muscles back there? Yeah. I was a buff little kid. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny that you, it's so funny you say you knew it, you walk up to adults and go,

are you ready to meet a cutie pie? I wouldn't have to. I was so cute that shopkeepers were threatened to kidnap me. Wow. So I was the ultimate compliment. Oh, you're kidnappable. It really like literally all the time, like if I walked into the store and I didn't get a compliment,

I'd be like, what is wrong with these people? Wow. You should see pictures of me. Like until I was six or seven, I was adorable. And then it really changed very quickly. My neck got really long. I got four Adam's apples. My head got huge.

Did you always near a reactor? Yeah. There may be an explanation here. Yeah. Both eyes joined and formed one eye. And I got cancer. I should have mentioned that. But also heat vision.

Yeah. And it all balances out. The worst of the powers. You're right. You're right. You have a microwave. Yeah, we have a microwave. Yeah, the most useless power there is.

I can heat up coffee slightly. It doesn't work that well. It's more of a warming way. That'd be great. A superhero who can make things slightly warmer. Right. Would you like me to? No, no, no.

We're good. We have a microwave. Okay. Yeah. How's your soup? Is it slightly cold? No. My soup's fine.

I can bring it up to slightly above room temperature. It's really good. It's fine. Thank you. And it's a VC SWAT. It's supposed to be a little cool. Yeah. Yeah.

My weakness is gazpacho. Dr. Gazpacho. Versus slightly warm guy. My body stayed tiny, like my shoulders stayed tiny. They used to call me chicken shoulders at school. That's a very descriptive and specific put down. Right. I don't even think of a chicken having shoulders.

Exactly. Exactly. They were so good at it. Wow. Yeah. Who goes to a KFC and orders the chicken shoulders? Nobody. Do I get a bucket of chicken shoulders?

They have no shoulders. No, no. It's off menu like now. You've got to ask for it. It's good. The sweaters fall off. Anyway. Come on.

We're having a good time. No one's getting hurt. You ever see the chicken in suspenders? Wait till you see a chicken shrug. Yeah. When you see a chicken opening a present at Christmas and it's suspenders and he goes like, what am I going to fucking do with this? Okay.

We're putting an end to this riff. This shoulder riff is needs to end in 10 minutes. Keep going. Okay, so I, and it took me, I remember when I dawned on me, I was like, you know, nobody's threatened to kidnap me in a while. I wonder what's going on. And then looking in the mirror, being like, oh no, huge nose. They also called me eggplant nose.

So they had a few little different like poultry such vegetable based. Yeah. They seem hungry. They're very hungry. Pakistan, we're hungry. And so I sort of became very obsessed with how I looked from the age of like 10 to really my early twenties. And so, and then I sort of in my twenties doing work to be like, you know, it doesn't matter

how you look. That's kind of why comedy was so important to me where it doesn't matter how you look. I remember I was doing a show early on. I won't say who it is, but I was with a handsome guy and I came back. And I gained some weight and he like made fun of me. And I was like, I can look like anything and work just as much as I work now. You need to look like that to work. Right.

And I remember feeling very proud of myself because I could see it hurt his feelings. And so then doing the work and not worrying about it as much. And then later again, to sort of get in this kind of shape and worrying about how I looked again, it was kind of a mindfuck to sort of, it felt like I'd like regressed 10 years back to how it was. And then, and then now I think I have a good relationship with it. And it probably changes your diet too, I would think it does. And it made me realize how, how things made me make me feel when I'm eating them.

So like now I know, you know, I can eat this doughnut and it's going to feel great for, you know, 90 seconds because we eat fast. But for the next two hours, my energy is going to be weird. I'm going to feel bloated, like I'm going to feel low energy. So now I'm aware of how things make me feel. That's the biggest thing. I wasn't aware of any of these things until I met Liza. Liza's just naturally very healthy.

I mean, the first time I, when we were first dating, I stopped by her apartment, was going to take her out. And I said, did you want to get some food? And she said, oh no, I ate already. And she had this, you know, tiny, tiny, tiny apartment with like a little piece of a kitchen, this little fragment of a kitchen. And I said, you ate already. And I didn't see any pans or, you know, if, if I had, it's in the same situation.

If I had told someone I just ate, they'd have been like a ham carcass in the corner. And three empty boxes of Cocoa Krispies. But there was not, and I said, eight, what did you eat? And she said, oh no, I'm fine. And I had some almonds and I had some dates. And then I had, you know, some tea and I'm all ready to go. And I thought, what are you, you're an insane person. Let me ask, does she enjoy food?

Loves it. Loves it and eats it and eats very healthy things. But that's just, and then I met her people and her people are just, they have, they have something that my people don't. Like her agents and lawyers and her manager. Like her parents and her family, they're all, they, they're sensible. They eat a, they eat sensible foods in sensible quantities. And I thought, I've never been seen this before.

I come from crazed Irish hillbillies that just, you know, no one's sensibly eating a sensible amount of food and then saying, that's enough. We're all eating our feelings because we can't talk about other things. Right. And so I, if you're eating, you don't have to talk to them. Right. Yeah. And you don't have to talk about things that might be complicated. Right.

You can just, I'll show you, I'll, you know, I'll swallow all this food and then go take a nap. And then my feelings will just be excreted along with the food. Come on. Did I go too far? Yeah. When you start getting into poop, it's too far. Yeah.

Did I say poop? Yeah. You said excreted. Yeah. It could be through perspiration. No, you implied you were shitting out your sadness. Yeah. I certainly did.

I certainly did. I also come from a family. My toilet said to me once, you've got a lot of stuff to unpack. And I said, hey, sentient toilet. No, but, um, yeah, I guess I did. Yeah. My family is the same. You eat as much as you possibly can.

Partly because Pakistani food is amazing and my mom is now the best cook I know. And when we visit, it's the same thing. Emily's like, your parents are just always forcing you to eat, forcing me to eat. We eat as much as possible. But now as they've gotten older and started having, you know, everyone in my family dies of a heart attack. Everybody does. On principle?

Yeah. We hold out. Okay. Like if we get kids. Yeah. If we get cancer or something, we start eating butter and running in bad ways. What age do they get the heart attack? Because this is important.

Yes. So my grandmother passed away at the age of 40, which is very, very young. My dad has had like he had like an eight bypass thing, which is really huge. But what I'm very proud of for them is they've really gotten it together. They both eat very, very healthy now. They've changed their diet completely. They still eat Pakistani food, but now, you know, it's vegetables. It's not as much rice, not as much carbs.

They eat no sugar. So I'm very proud of them for the changes that they've made in their lives. It's hard because there's also like cultural pressure to not do it. Oh, of course. I mean, I think you talk about Pakistani food. I think about the food that Irish immigrants, you know, or immigrant culture. It was always a meat, potato, lots of butter, lots of, you know, and lots of dairy, lots of bread. And every meal was some version of that because it's only a recent luxury that people could say,

I should start thinking about what I eat. Of course. It used to be, if you can find something to eat, get it into you and you get to live. Yes, exactly. And now, and that is our, you know, our evolutionary mandate is to eat and have sex with anyone who will have sex with us. That's why we love donuts and fucking. Yeah. So huge.

Man, there's my bio. That's the title of my bio. Donuts and fucking. The Conan O'Brien story. Shockingly, no one has purchased Conan's book. They're banned in many countries. The content is kind of interesting, but the title alone has turned everyone off. Yeah.

Donuts and fucking. And, you know, sometimes people don't even have to hear who wrote the book. They just go, there's a book out called Donuts and fucking Conan O'Brien wrote a book. That's me. Now, I do want to, I want to talk to you about this, the Chippendales project, because that's coming out in, I think it's a week now. Yeah, next week. November 22nd. You've worked really hard on this, and this is based on a true story.

Yeah. So the show is called Welcome to Chippendales. It's based on the guy who started Chippendales, the male stripping thing, was an Indian immigrant, which I didn't know until I started, you know, until they talked to me about this project. And it's a wild story. Like a lot of really intense stuff happened. People, people got murdered. It's like a really crazy, it's just so much happens in it that I don't want to say. And don't go on Wikipedia.

Watch the show. And initially, you know, they'd come to me as a movie right after the big set came out. So like five years ago, four years ago. And I said, no, because I was very intimidated to play a character like this. And then, and when they came back and that was a mini series, I sort of saw the whole thing. They pitched me the, you know, it's Rob Siegel is the creator of it. He did Pam and Tommy, he's written a lot of great movies like The Wrestler. He did Big Fan.

Have you seen that movie with Patton? Fantastic. Great writer. And I talked to him three or four times and he was trying, he was like, I think you can do this. And then he pitched me on the fourth meeting, he pitched me every episode, all eight episodes. He's like, this is what happens in episode two, episode three. And I was like, this is just too cool to not do. I have to do it.

And I just have to figure out how to not be scared of it anymore, you know. And it was, it was really, really the most satisfying professional experience I've had since making The Big Sick. Really? I really felt like a, one, you know, it's interesting because I've worked with a lot of actors who come from the comedy world. And so when you work with people who come from the other angle, from theater, from like, you know, serious acting school, we may end up in the same place, but they come from a completely different perspective. So if you work with someone like, you know, old Ravioli eyes, shredded beef beard, you see their approach. I can't wait to people in the street see you and McGregor and go, hey, Ravioli eyes.

That's why you thought he was Italian. Exactly. Exactly. The way they approach acting, it's so exciting to work with people like that because comedy can be competitive, you know. Even when I'm doing a stand up show with my best friends, I want to be the best on that show. That's not the job of like theater actors. They want to make you better. They want to be there with you.

They want to collaborate with you. And you've done a lot of collaborative comedy. I started in stand up. It's not collaborative at all. It's competitive. And then on this show, working with Murray Bartlett and Annaly Ashford, who are like two of the best actors I've ever worked with. I learned so much from them. There was something I was doing in a scene in episode seven and I was like, oh, I learned that from Murray back in episode two.

So it's like every day you're working with these people who are the best you've ever worked with and you're learning so much every day. And for the first time ever, I had like, oh, I'm having trouble with this scene and I would go to like my co-stars and be like, hey, I'm having trouble with this scene. Could you like help me through it? And we'd sit on the floor and they'd like, we'd like work on it together. It was so exciting. The day over here, I swear to God, this is true. I was thinking about you. I like to think about, I was looking forward to this interview and Bob Odenkirk came to mind because I think you two have both managed a very improbable, very hard to pull off feet.

You're two guys that I've known and seen witnessed you up close at different periods in your career and you just keep saying, I'm going this way now. And I just believe I'm going to be able to do it and then you do it. Well, that's very kind. I don't think you can compare me to Bob Odenkirk. I think, you know, his work on Better Call Saul is so good. He's always been a very good yeller. Like he's so good at screaming. He's so good.

He does have a lot of anger. I'm going to say that right now, which probably helps him. And he's so good on Better Call Saul. And for me, you know, I want to be able to do all the things I love and the things you think you can do sort of keep changing. And it's always like, I want to try and do the next thing that's like almost impossible for me to do, but not quite. I mean, I think that's sort of the goal. And it's a very scary thing to like keep doing that. But I feel honestly very lucky that there have been people who thought I could do those things.

And sometimes their belief that I could do it is what allowed me to think I could do it. You can feed off that. Yeah, like this show, Rob Siegel was like, I think you can do this. And really that was what got me to say, maybe he's right and I'm wrong. Well, it's Welcome to Chippendales is coming out in a week and it's on Hulu. And I want to see it. I'm a huge fan of yours and I'm glad that we're now best friends. You really walked into that one.

No, I'm in. I'm here. You don't want to think about it for a little while? No, I'm in. Okay. Here it is. Okay. I mean, this is it. We're best friends. Well, okay.

I got to make some calls because there's a couple of people out there and they know who they are who think they're my best friend. Timothy Oliphant knows better. He knows. He does it because, you know, he's already moved on. He's a sociopath. All handsome actors have to be sociopaths. How can you be that handsome and like not completely? Here's what it enrages me about him.

He's that good looking and he's also incredibly funny. Again, I saw him for the first on your show. Yeah, yeah. And he's devastatingly funny and I think that's not fair. It's so unfair. I saw him at a party. I hadn't met him and somebody introduced me to him and I was like, you're very good at panel shows. You're very funny.

And it was, it meant so much to him. He's like, wow, nobody thinks I'm like, I can do comedy. Oh my God. Yeah. He's one of the funniest people I know. He's so good on your show. You guys are so good together. Well, when you get to really handsome guys together, is this my thing?

No, it's working. Oh, weird. I heard a weird sort of collective sigh. Come out really seriously. This was, I was looking forward to this. I love talking to you and continued success. And let's do this again. I feel like you're one of these people I could talk to for like 55 hours and we will not run out of things to chat about.

No, thank you so much. I'll see you Saturday. All right. I decided to be a responsible citizen the other day. I thought I should get this, the new booster shot. This is the latest Omicron booster. You heard about this? Yeah.

No. You haven't? Jesus. Anyway. You heard of COVID? I know about COVID. I didn't know. There's a new one.

Okay. It's the latest one. Well, I'm going to be traveling east. You know, we're going to be doing podcasts there and big shows coming up on the East Coast. And I thought I should, I should go get that. So I made an appointment and I went to a CVS. This is not an ad. I just wanted to get the word out.

But you said it so aggressively. If this is not, by the way, this is not an ad. I'm just saying that. You know, but you, you were like CVS. Well, whatever. I respect all businesses. You do. If you don't want to upset any major companies.

I will not accept, I will not upset. I wish to, even when not being paid or compensated, I just wish to boost the American industrial engine. That's just me. How do you feel about Enron? I think it was the company that was doing its best. If some accounting errors were made, I'm sure they've strained it out. How they doing now?

They must be back on track. Oh yeah. They're gone. Okay. Well, I'm sure they'll be back soon. And when they are, Enron, I'm here to get the word out. Anyway, I go in and I don't know how you guys would have handled this, but sitting outside this, they said to have a seat, sir.

And I said, well, you know, Conan and Brian didn't seem to get me anywhere. He said, sir, please, you're making a fuss. I have a seat. So then door open and this young woman who had just recently become a pharmacist just recently graduated from a pharmacist school, she invited me in and to sit down and she answered all the questions. And then she said, okay, let's do it. And I sort of put on the gun show, you know what I'm saying?

I pulled up my left arm and she said, okay, let's do it. And she jabbed me and it was fine. And then she said, hey, how about getting the flu shot at the same time? Do you want to do that? And I said, sure. Now since then, I've heard other people say, I don't know if you want to get those at the same time. Oh, I did that at the same time.

Oh, you did? For my first booster. Yeah. Oh, okay. I said, sure, I'll do it. And she said, other arm. And I said, no. Same arm.

Oh, jeez. And I thought I was just being like, I think I was trying to impress her. I think so. It sounds like you were just kind of showing. Well, I just wanted to, I was like, I want to be a tough guy here. Did you at all go like, you know what, give me two flu shots, give me three boosters. Yeah. Give me three of those Omicrons.

Give me three Omicrons and a deworm me. No. No, anyway, I got a second. I got the other one right in the same arm, I think practically in the same place. Man, it hurt. Oh, really? Yeah. Cause I got them both in the same arm in the same place.

And an hour later, I was dead. That's the end of the story. Who's this guy then? I'm a ghost. Oh. Boo. And why did you say, when she said, do you want it on the same arm? Why did you say, yes, you knew what was going to happen?

Did you really think that you were going to like impress this young person? I did. I think she was going to say, wow, you're a real man's man. Yeah. What was her reaction? Do you think she was impressed? No, not at all. She's like, this guy's stupid.

Why would he? This is the question I asked to see if people have any common sense. Yeah. But then I really kept, I did keep doubling down. I'm like, what else you got? I really did. I wanted to do something that where she would go back to the other people that she had just graduated pharmacy school with and say, man, this guy came in today and he got the booster

in the left arm. Then he got the flu shot in the left arm. I just kept wanting more. So I said, wait, he got some polio there? And she said, well, I think you would have had the polio shot probably when you were born in the 40s. And I said, well, I want more of the polio. And I just, I wanted more and more and more, but I was, I was shocked.

I have to say, I was kind of, I don't know, did you have a reaction at all when you had your? Mile, but I had this weird thing for years of my life. I would get multiple allergy shots in my arm twice a week. And so I know, I know. I'm terrible to laugh at that. Why are you laughing and not you? I don't know what's happening here.

Can I just say? I was talking about shots. Can I say something? Yeah. I was going to laugh, but Sona laughed so quickly and so hard that it snuffed out my laugh. I see. So wait a minute.

Why did you have to have so many shots? I had bad allergies, but the point is that now what's weird is I get kind of phantom allergy pain. So I get my shots in the other arm and then the right arm starts to hurt because I have all this. Sorry. When people lose a limb, when people lose a limb, they have phantom limb pain and you have phantom allergy pain.

Hey, do you ever have phantom wedgie pain? Yes. Do you ever have? Yeah. Sometimes I relive that wedgie. Those hooligans gave me back in 72. I get phantom wet willies too. A phantom wet willie.

A phantom wedgie. Phantom allergies. Come on, poorly. I do have all this scar tissue in the arm from these allergy shots and so somehow it triggers it. I don't know if it's psychosomatic or what, but. What were you allergic to? Dust mites and then everything else, but that was the biggest.

So is that why your mother was constantly dusting around you? Just constantly? No, she never dusts. It's probably why. Winifred. Wellford. Remember? Wellford, thank you so much.

Please. When Winifred. No, no, excuse me. Please. That's her name. What are you trying to say? You're just making her name different. I have incredible powers.

It's funny when Wellford. It's Winifred. Wellford. Are you doing it on purpose or? No, I'm not. I really don't know. But when Winston came by, I remember that she had a big feather duster and she kept dusting you.

I didn't realize that was left over from childhood. Did you? So my point is, but are you, do you still have allergies to this day? Yeah, I just learned to live with them. Okay. See, it's all that scar tissue for nothing. Yeah, pretty badass, huh? You guys are so cool.

I can't believe these people giving you shots. When most guys have a scar, it's like on their face, yours is in a very well concealed part of your arm and it's from allergy shots. And it's probably like hidden by some gross mole. And you remember where my scar is, which is equally embarrassing. It's on my calf from the tuna fish can that was sticking out of the trash bag my mother made me haul when I was wearing short pants. So you and I have equally embarrassing scars.

Oh, speaking of moles, I now call my daughter the mole keeper because she tries to take moles off people, like scrape them off and pick them off. Isn't that disgusting? Do you think she's like poking fun or making fun? No, I think she wants to be a dermatologist. Does she try to eat them afterwards? She hasn't gotten anyone off yet. Oh, if I managed to get a mole off of someone, I would just be so obsessed with them popping

it in my mouth. Really? I just would. I know you've gotten moles taken off, but the dermatologist, do you want to eat them after? Don't have to reveal. How dare you? Oh, I'm sorry.

How dare you as my personal assistant reveal that I've had to have a mole removed? No one is surprised. No! No one is surprised that you'd have to have moles removed. How many? Come on. Here we go with shots again, but this is a similar thing. How many moles would you say have had removed?

Because I've had dozens. I haven't had moles removed. I've had little skin tags, you know, because my parents didn't know about sunblock. Okay. Of course, it wasn't invented when I was a child, but I've had, if you weighed all of the flesh that's been removed by a dermatologist from my skin, it'd be over, you could make another person. That's what I said.

You could make like a 140 pound person. I say my doctor was building it. Does it? Look at my back. Oh my God. Oh! Matt! Matt!

That's like when the elephant man drops his robe. Oh, jeez. I've had two moles removed. And I thought, that was like your... You just said, behold, and you lift it up. And in the Bible, if Christ encountered you, he'd be like, I'm not going, no. Doesn't it look like I got shot with a shotgun on my back? It does.

Yeah. That was incredible. So what I'm saying is my daughter's always after me. She's always trying to get at me. Yeah. She's trying to help you. Do you ever... Do you go shirtless at the beach?

Yeah, but I use heavy sun cream. Why are you giving him a complex now? It's okay. Oh, no. That should not be seen. I mean, I'm not trying to give you a complex. I'm just for your own sake. That should not be seen.

That was... That's a horrifying tableau. It's like a Rorschach. No, it's like you saved your platoon by jumping on nine grenades backwards. I'm sorry. That's what it looks like. And because of that, I'm alive and here today. Yeah.

And you saved 75 people's lives. They're in the trench. All these grenades flew in and you said, hang on, fellows, I'm to the rescue. You took off your shirt and you dove backwards onto the grenades and were blown 7,500 yards into the sky. You're desperately looking for paper and a pen. Yeah, I'm trying to wrap it. Don't tell me when to wrap.

We're going to wrap after I'm done with more stories of how your back turned into the biggest freak show I've ever seen. Good God. You must be chased by villagers with torches all the time. Lord. Good God. Okay. Well, anyway, I hope you're better soon.

I hope you're better soon. I'm fine. I'm better because of it. Okay. I hope you're better soon. All right. Well, let me... I've never been happier that this is not a visual medium.

Listener, you've been spared. That's all I'll say. And let's just... It is funny now that people are going to think I have this, like, grotesque mutilated back. It's not that bad. It's not that. Yeah. Yeah.

When you finally see it, it's not that bad. All right, let's all go and cleanse our minds. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Saks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer

Samples, engineering by Will Bekdon, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode, and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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