Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Lea DeLaria

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Comedian, musician, and actress Lea DeLaria is gagging to be Conan O’Brien’s friend. Lea sits down with Conan to talk about bursting onto the standup scene in the early 80s, coming out at an early age and the importance of finding one’s space, her upcoming film Potato Dreams of America, and working to preserve the last lesbian bars in the country with The Lesbian Bar Project. Later, Conan gets feedback from his team about his brand new headshot. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Leah Delaria, and I am gagging to be Conan O'Brien's friend. So many ways to take that. Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, a friendly little podcast, in my opinion. Well, you just got done insulting me and you're calling this a friendly little podcast. Wait, that was off-mic. I don't care. What are you talking about?

You're bringing up stuff that happened off-mic. How petulant of you. Things that happen off-mic didn't happen, do you understand? Yeah. No, all I did was make a joke that your newborn daughter wants nothing to do with you and wrote me a crudely written hand note that she wanted you out of her life. And she wrote it in what? What was it?

I said she wrote it in her own spit up. And then that's all I did was basically say the center of your life now, your newborn daughter, your first child, despises you. All I did was say that, then I started the podcast and you drag that just quick little, I call it a quip, onto the air. Yeah, I want it on record for the tribunal you'll have to face one day. There'll be no tribunal. There will be no tribunal.

Just mob? Yeah. It's pretty clear there are no consequences in this country anymore for anything. So trust me, I think I am free. I think I will never be prosecuted for these crimes. Anyway, I interrupted. Go ahead. What were you saying?

I was doing a little podcast here and then you suddenly exploded in rage. That's Matt Gorley, our producer, of course, Sonam of Sessian joining me here. Hi. And Sonam sent me some lovely pictures of your twins and they are dressed up for Christmas because I guess you're sitting on a Christmas card. I am. Yeah, they look hilarious. They do.

They do look like. I love it when my favorite thing is when little kids wear adult outfits. Yeah. They're not the case with, in your photo, they're dressed up in these cute little Christmas outfits. But my favorite thing is every now and then I'll see like a two-year-old and they're wearing jeans and a button-up shirt and a leather jacket that has like a flight patch on the side, you know, like they flew a jet in the Korean War, it just cracks me up for

some reason. Who would, you know, oh, this child now is nine months. Yeah. I do that all the time. We've got to get some cow hide on that child. It just always seems obscene to me. No, it's fun. They're your dolls.

Yeah. We just ordered some lingerie for our daughter. I do love the holidays. So I just was up in Seattle visiting my wife's family. I like it there because my body. What was that segue? I just wanted to mention something and. From baby lingerie to, I was in Seattle.

Yeah. Well, I don't want to talk about baby lingerie. Maybe that was, maybe I did the right thing getting us away from that. Yeah, probably. Hey, let's sexualize babies or I can tell you about Seattle. I'm starting to understand my daughter's letter to you. Let's move on. Yeah.

I was in Seattle visiting my wife's family and they are regular listeners, by the way. Oh, no. Yeah. Shout out to, no, no, they are. Shout out to the Powell's in Seattle. They are lovely people. They put on a great Thanksgiving feast for us all and I had a really good time and I love being in Seattle, as you know, because my genetic structure insists that I be in

a cold, wet climate and my body is screaming at me all the time I'm in Los Angeles. Get away. Get away. Get away. And then when I'm up in what basically is Northern Ireland, aka Seattle, I'm very zen. I really love it there. Isn't there, this is going to be a downer, isn't there just a high suicide rate because

of the weather in Seattle? Only when I'm in town. What? Suicide rates peak when I show up. People are so upset you're there. No, I didn't say there was any linkage, they just said that there's a huge spike when I show up in town. Oh.

That's why during Thanksgiving, while you were gone, I just wanted to live. So Brates plummet in LA when I leave, but I had an interesting moment where I was in the airport and you go through, you have your bags and you check them in. My wife and I had kids had bags that we had to check in because we brought different stuff. We had brought bigger bags. We couldn't bring them on the airplane. So we were checking the bags in and the guy said, hey, I just want to thank you. He's the guy that was checking our bags and he said, I want to thank you.

You've been speaking truth to power for a long time and you brought down a lot of really bad dudes with your truth telling on the air and I thought, he has the wrong guy. I don't know, I've never spoken truth to power. I've been foolish and silly around power, but it was just really, and he really, I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to say, sir, I think you have the wrong person because he was so happy to meet me and he just said, you've taken a lot, you've taken down a lot of strong, a lot of like bad men.

What? Yeah. And he went on and on about how I'm like a crime fighter with my career on television and I didn't say anything and then walked away and felt bad. Yeah. That is so weird. He literally didn't speak truth to him. Yeah.

He basically just thanked Captain Crunch for all the good he's done. I don't even know who he would have confused you with. Maybe he was talking about Stephanie Powell. I don't know who he thought I was, but somewhere in Seattle, there's a guy who really idolizes me because I brought down the mob. Oh. Anyway, very happy. That's cool.

Yeah. My guest today is a hilarious comedian, musician and actress who starred in the Netflix series Orange is the New Black, now you can see her in the film Potato Dreams of America and in the documentary The Lesbian Bar Project. I wish I was in that. Anyway, she also executive produced The Lesbian Bar Project, which is very cool. I'm thrilled she's with us today. Leah Dallaria, welcome.

I think I'd be a good drag queen. Yeah. I think. What? No. Let's come up with a drag queen name for Conan right now. Come on. Dolores Park.

Ginger Snapped. Ginger Snapped. Hey. Sona. Oh, because of the ginger. That's good. It was very, yeah. I don't know.

I like that. Thank you. I don't know. I'm tall and I think I'm a very, my mom, I look exactly like my mom and my mom in her heyday was a very attractive woman and I think I'm a very attractive woman. No. You think that? If I'm someone who's attracted to women, I'm going to take the fifth.

That's very nice. That's, you're going to listen, you just need a few drinks and you'll see what I'm talking about. First of all, I'm very delighted that you're, that you're here because you really make me laugh. You're very talented and you and I have always hit it off. You've come on the show. I'm sorry.

Hear me out. That was not you falling asleep. You brought a very small buzz saw with you and you were doing some, you were, you were doing some thirsty. Well, I am a lesbian. I try to carry those power tools. You have so many tools with you right now, you just, you go with the cliche, not against the cliche.

Every time. You had a great joke. What is it? What is it? What is it on a second date? Oh, what is the lesbian brand on a second date? A U-Haul. That's my joke.

That's my joke. I love that joke. So fucking true. Second date that quickly. Oh my God. I just mash immediately, you know, and I'm always standing there and complete amazing. I don't understand why you guys do this. It's very odd, but lesbians are basically are nevertheless in a relationship very long.

They just, they kind of are serial monogamous and it's because they literally move in together on the second date. This is good. This is all stuff I can learn about. You know, I met you, you came on the show, on my show with the cast of Orange is a New Black and you told me this great story. You said Jason Biggs asked you if being on the show helped you get women and your response was fantastic.

Yeah. Like I needed, like I needed a hit show to get pussy straight boy. So from there, right from that moment, I thought, oh, you and I are going to get along great. And then you came back on your own and we had a fantastic time, which ended with us scatting together. And I don't even so much. I don't even scat, but that became a very popular clip on our show.

So much. You pushed me to heights or depths that I didn't know I could reach. But I forgot, you know, I had known that you were a talented musician and vocalist and I didn't, but I didn't know how good you were. And that was a big part of your life. Oh yeah. I started, I started my, my, my father, Katakai was, please say it's really Katakai. Yeah.

This is Katakai. My father. No. His name is not Katakai. Are you familiar with the Katakai riff? Why do you think I am? Oh my God. Because it was possible.

I was, I was going to faint. Do you know how, do you know that that name follows me around? I told a story on this podcast that involves the name Katakai and we're, and, and the phrase is Katakai as God made her. And I go, and so I was just in San Francisco in an airport. And James Lipton was there and he said, the ghost of James Lipton and I was, and he had 35 index cards of questions and no, I was in an airport and I hear Katakai is God made her.

And it's this woman pointing at me, screaming at it across the baggage carousel at San Francisco airport. Oh wow. And whenever people do it now, I just, I just bowed to them. And so anyway, I'm so glad you worked that in. Yeah. I had worked it immediately. No.

My father's name was Robert. Well from now in my mind, he's Katakai. From now on, my siblings will refer to my father as Katakai because I got that in there. But yeah, he was a jazz musician and so he literally taught me how to sing and he would take me with him to gigs when I was a kid. You know what I mean? So that way that, you know, the guys could go smoke weed while I was on stage. The way jazz musicians do.

Hey kid. Oh really? You think I have talent? No, we just want to smoke weed. Just get up there and do 20 minutes. That should fill the bill. And this is, is this in Illinois? Is this where you grew up?

Yeah, East St. Louis, Illinois and St. Louis, Missouri. That's, you know, where he played. Right. And so you're doing that and when did you figure out, wait a minute, I think I'm funny. Was that something you knew right away? Right away. Everyone in my family is funny. Yeah.

Everybody in my family is funny. My mother was had a very, very, very dry sense of humor and my dad was a big goofball and we're very loud, we're very Italian. No one can get a fucking word of edgewise good luck. And yeah, I mean like I'm the quietest one. Let's put it that way. Oh, that's fantastic. I'm the siblings, I'm the quietest one.

I love that. You're the introvert. You're the quiet, bookish introvert. That would be me. And yeah, so yeah, I figured out it was funny and also I, again, I talked about this on your show. Catholic school was it. If I could make the nuns laugh, they wouldn't hit me because I went to school when nuns

would just beat the crap out of you, you know. I went to once a week, I would get Catholic construction and there were the nuns with the full nun outfits. I went to a regular public school and then once a week, we all had to go and get this Catholic construction up at this, at the top of this tall hill. It was called the Seneca and all these nuns were there, but no nun ever hit me. I never got hit by a nun. That's crazy.

You were taught by them and they never touched you? They never, yeah. No nun ever slapped me around. Oh my God. Yeah. So I don't know if they were just. Nuns are practice hitting on me. Oh, here's a ruler.

Does that hurt? Okay. Now let's try the yardstick. Does that hurt? Wait. Let's get the broom. How about that? Does that hurt?

They were testing wood density on you. Always doing that. Yeah. So you're a very lucky person because they were very much into corporal punishment. Yeah. And I went to school. And so you could use humor as a way to get out of trouble. Always did.

As much as I could. Yeah. I went to grade school, carried on into high school, into college, left college. And then when I went to San Francisco and they were doing this thing called Gay Open My Comedy Night, that's interesting because I wanted to be a stand up and I tried going to the comedy clubs, but I felt a lot of pushback in those days, you know, because I looked. What year is this? Because basically I looked like a man.

So I was getting a lot of pushback, like for wearing a tie, for example, or something like that. Right, right. And this was in the early 80s. Early 80s. Early 80s, too. So really? So it's not even in San Francisco?

It's not progressive at that point? Not at the comedy clubs. Absolutely not. So somebody started this gay comedy night and I thought, great. And I went and went and did it. And I love telling this because I told Mr. Rosie O'Donnell and she was like, no way. And I went, I, the first time I went out, I just killed. I killed.

I was supposed to do 10 minutes. I was on stage for like 20 minutes. And every time I tell it to a comic, they're like, you're a fucking lion. I'm not. I killed. And that's the case. That happens. I have heard about comedians.

It's rare who kill the first time and then they bomb the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth time. Never bombed. Wow. I just, it was just one of those things. And I think if I had bombed, I might have thought more, been more hesitant about leaving my day job as a construction worker and just going at it full time. And I didn't.

And that was it. So that was, believe it or not, April 20th. So 420, 1982 was when I walked out on stage as a standup comic for the first time. And so you hit the ground running and you never look back. Never look back. Haven't had a day job since. Okay. I'm just going to point out that you're drinking more water than anyone I've talked to in a

while. You keep pouring water and drinking more water and making, I'm sorry, making a big show of it. I'm being polite saying it's water. Okay. A giant thing of gin. It is, I can say that I am very thirsty and I can say that I'm thirsty because I'm in this musical that makes me work really hard and I drink a lot of water.

You got to rehydrate for the vocalizations. It's, can somebody explain air conditioning to fucking Pasadena already? I mean, how hard, first of all, we're doing a musical at the Pasadena Playhouse. It's great fun. I hope you come see it, by the way. Okay. Head over heels. You know, it is in Pasadena, so let's say that the audience is, you know, cocoon three.

Cocoon three meaning they found the magical egg that makes them young. They lost it. They found it again. They lost it again, and then they found it again. That's kind of basically. Yeah. So they're really old, but still. They're really old.

And that cocoon is running out of juice. Yeah. So we got that going on for us, and then it's so hot in the theater. It's just incredibly hot, but they, I think they're figuring it out. They kind of figured it out. We opened on one on Sunday, and I think they figured out now that they need to turn the air conditioning on like basically yesterday to make sure that the theater is cool enough. It's so funny because once, and I swear this is true, I was talking to someone and we were

doing, I was doing a show somewhere in Chicago theater or something, and there was a technical guy there and he was talking about the temperature and he said, yeah, well, once you get all the blood bags in here, the temperature will rise. And I said, what? What? And he went, you know, the audience. And I said, you refer to humans in the audience as blood bags? And that's all it was to this guy was, oh, you get about 3,000 blood bags in here and

the temperature will come up. This is so funny. And I'm like, those are human beings like you. He was like, nah, not me. They have blood bags. Oh my God. I'm the air conditioning guy. I loved, I told this story to Alaska who Alaska 5000 now used to be Thunderfuck.

So I have no idea why Alaska's last name is no longer Thunderfuck. Maybe I'll ask her. But Alaska plays my queen and I play the king. And I said, this is one of my favorite quotes of all time and it comes from Ethel Merman when she was in Gypsy. So we're talking in the 1960s, Ethel Merman called the house manager and it said, you better throw another log on that air conditioner or get yourself another girl singer. She had to be like 80 years old following herself a girl singer.

It makes me so happy. I'm a girl singer. See? See? You better get on a fire. One of those fire lobs on there. Fast. See?

How did your Ethel Merman turn into Jimmy Cagney? Trust me. All my impressions turn into either Jimmy Cagney or Jimmy Stewart really fast. They morph very quickly. Oh my God. Yeah. I'll be doing Vladimir Putin and I'll be saying like, now you see here, see? We're going to get you, Biden, see?

No one screws with Russia, see? Oh my God. I feel like Eberge Robertson. I generally go, you know, who's your Messiah now? At a certain point when your impression just skews to that, no one cares. Yes. No one cares anymore. I love, I think I've talked about this before, but I love impressions that are completely

out of time. No young person knows what you're talking about, but they laugh anyway because, you know, I'll be saying things like, yeah, now see here you, you'll get your see and you're just laughing. And they don't know what the hell it is. Absolutely. I did this, I do this joke because what's great about this particular show is they let me just ad lib.

So I'm my, and when I, did you ever see Spartacus? Yes. So you see, everybody's like, Spartacus, I'm in Spartacus. And then Tony Curtis is like, I'm a singer of songs. So he's just Tony Curtis. No attempt to get rid of his Brooklyn at all, 100% there. So King Basilius that I'm doing has a total, total New York accent. So he's like, everybody else is in like this, you know, thing and King Basilius is like,

you know, let me tell you, I'm trying to think of a line, I'm going to bomb, I'm going to bomb tonight. I've forgotten all my lines already. This is a great sign. You're drunk on water. A horde of lusty bachelors or a horde of lusty bachelors paw the ground with great impatience. Right. So.

Oh, you're really going to, it's going to take a lot of suspension of disbelief. Oh yeah. And I got the beard. I got the whole thing. What's the name of the show? It's called Head Over Heels. Head Over Heels. I want to come see it.

Yeah. It's all the music of the go-go's. So you'll know every song in it. Right. It's a jukebox musical. So you've got so much going on right now, and I'm going to talk about this, but I first wanted to talk to you about your experience with, because this, everyone has a completely different experience.

And when I talked to you, I think, well, you're probably someone who came out probably fairly young. Yeah. Like what would be young? For my generation. For your generation. What would that be? 17.

So that's very young for you. That's very young for my generation. I'm not until they're late 20s, early 30s, do you know what I mean? I'm 63. I'm much older than I look. So yeah. And now with blue hair, I'm way older than I look. No, you're much younger because it's really blue.

It's the kind of blue that a 16-year-old has. It's for the play. I know. Yes, it's for the play. But I'm curious, you know, that takes, I don't know if that was just, I can't imagine that would be easy. I mean, we're talking about a completely different time. Is this late 70s, early 80s?

Yeah. This was late 70s. It was illegal to be queer in every state of the union when I came out. That's how much we've done. So and, you know, in the course of my lifetime, it's a lot. We've changed, we've changed things a lot. You know, it's hard for me to make jokes about it. But we are still waiting for that, you know, 17-minute dance version of the Star Spangled

Banner. It's part of the gay agenda. It's one thing on the gay agenda that nobody ever talks about, but we want that 17-minute dance version of the Star Spangled Banner. How would that go? Oh, say, and you, something like that, and a whole break, a whole break for dancing. And then the flags start twirling. You know, it's always good to have something still to aim for.

You know, you don't want to be completely done. You know, you want that. You want that a little on the horizon. You know, every time we make, you know, every time we get something, we need to add something to the list. I think that's a good idea. I like that. I always want to affect a trade.

I think it'd be great. Like, like Roy Cohn was, was, was gay. Nobody wants him. Could we trade him for like Meryl Streep? Yeah. She don't have me. With that, because we all want Meryl to be gay. She's not.

Right. Meryl is the farthest thing from alive. But we all want her. Right. We all like that. I think, well, J. Edgar Hoover, you know, we want to trade him too. Definitely. What, who do we get for Derek Jeter?

Let's take Derek Jeter. I love that you can just trade. I know. Well, they can trade, they trade in like sports. Wouldn't it be fun? We can just, these are teams. Yeah. The queer team.

Yeah. And the straight team. We have that. Yeah. Okay. We have this. I wonder how far down you'll be on the list, Conan. I know.

I know. Now I'm getting sad all of a sudden. Conan. Now I'm getting sad. I'm so sorry, Conan. Because I know, as a kid, I was always the last one picked for kickball. And I know it'd be another one like that, where I'd be saying, no, no, I'm willing to go over to the queer team and just a bunch of people just saying, now we're good.

Now we're good. We're all sad. We're okay, Conan. We're keeping Ray Conan. You're keeping Ray Conan. I swear to God, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. We heard. I'll do a better job. No, I don't know.

All right. Here's a dick. Let's see what you got. Oh, well, okay. This is college all over again. All right. Oh, my God. That's it.

I'm getting cataclyte tattooed on my arm. That is my next step. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, because I got a phone call from some guy saying, out of the blue, I answered it because I was literally waiting for an Uber. So I'm going to get this phone call and I'm yelling at the Uber, basically. I'm already before I even answer, hi, this is Leah. I'm like, yeah, I'm standing in front of the, I'm standing right here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, where are you?

And then the guy goes, is this Leah Delaria? I was like, uh-oh, okay. Yeah, this is Leah Delaria. Well, I regret to inform you that Cheney Graffalo has COVID. What? And I'm not kidding. And that you're on a COVID list. And I went, um, okay, first of all, I haven't seen Cheney in probably two years.

Right? But this is long COVID. Yeah, this is, this is slow COVID. But the last time I was in a room with Cheney and Graffalo, there was no such fucking thing as COVID. So I'm like, I don't know what's going on here, right? So I don't know what's going on. And I'm questioning this guy again and again and again, but it's too late. He's called me on my phone.

I've already said I'm me. Who is this guy? Well, I don't know. But ever since I did, I've been getting all sorts of ads on my text. Oh, no. So this guy, whoever he fucking was. What kind of scam is this? I don't know what the scam is, but I'm not pleased about it.

I've been getting all sorts of texts from Costco and from Home Depot and from all these places, none of which I trust, all saying, you have, you've got a gift certificate for whatever. It's like, who knows? I need everyone to know that somebody's going to call you. And if they drop Jeanine Garofalo's name, you're going to be a big fucking trouble. So that's the scam. So if you get a call that says you got COVID from Jeanine Garofalo, it means that basically it's just Ikea coming for you.

Basically, I got like, that's what I just remember when I said I was just walking. What do you think that is? And I was so, you're savvy about these things. I am not. I don't know. What do you think this is? Did you talk to Jeanine Garofalo? Does she actually have COVID? I emailed Jeanine and got received and nothing back.

Okay. All right. I don't know what the, what the skinny is. Is it possible that she is lending her name out and she's working for these companies? Oh. Is it possible that Jeanine is, because she has your number, how else are they going to get your number? I think Jeanine is making a lot of money. And I think certain celebrities, this is going to be the new cameo is celebrities who have other

celebrity contacts saying, call. Can you imagine Jeanine Garofalo doing that? By the way, I'm just laughing at the whole idea. Oh, she's laughing all the way to the bank. Costco. I can get you little areas for whatever. I'm calling out Jeanine Garofalo right now. She is a genius scammer.

We're going to get sued. We're so going to get sued. They're going to have to find us first. But it was so, but that was, that was part of it was like of all the names. Why are you dropping Jeanine's name? It's just so weird to me. That is really strange. But I, yeah, I guess you got too comfortable.

You were on the, that's a very vulnerable time when you're waiting for an Uber call. You're very vulnerable because if the phone rings, you're going to pick it up. I did. And immediately started yelling at my Uber driver, which wasn't on the other end of the phone. Yeah. Would you use your real name for Uber? That's, I do. See, that's your mistake.

That's my mistake. What name? Because I usually, when I go into a hotel and stuff, I register as Ava Braun. You think I'm joking? No, I don't think you're joking. I think you're absolutely. Because most people wouldn't get it. A lot of people wouldn't get it.

And then the people that do get it would be horrified. But what are they going to do? But also laugh. And then when I come in at the LAX, there's a guy standing there with a sign that says Ava Braun. Oh my God. That's fantastic. When I, now we know that, you've just revealed that you're going to have to switch that name. I don't know who am I going to, who was Mrs. Stalin?

Well, the first one killed herself. Oh, there's that one. Yeah. OK. And then that was actually the only one he didn't remarry after that. He didn't remarry after she got married. Imagine no one wanting to marry Stalin. Imagine him.

He's on, he's on a dating site. And they're like, what are your hobbies? I don't know, decimating three million of my own people through various farm collectives. Oh, let's hook up for a slasso. You know what? That's an app waiting to happen. The death spot, death spot dating.

Yeah. Mao is on it and Stalin's on it. Samoza. Yeah. They're all on it. Kim Jong-un, you know, Putin. Like, I don't know. They seem kind of.

The death spot dating service. Yeah, I'm just saying. Yeah. Sorry. And you know who's going to be, you know who's going to be the face? Jini and Gruffalo. Yeah, she's going to. I know, I mean, Jini and Gruffalo is going to have all their numbers.

I know she's very cool and I love Jini. She's a lovely person and very talented. But there was a phase there in the 80s, late 80s, when she was hanging out exclusively with dictators and death spots. And they would all come see her do comedy. It's, you know, I remember having a conversation with her once about something very much like that, where she was like saying, you know, a lot of people don't like him, but Samoza, he can really bake a cake.

She was, he's quite the cake baker. She told me once, I remember we got in this conversation and she said, you know, you should give him a pull pot. He's a good, when he comes to a comedy show, he really gives it up. He's a generous. He's a generous laugh. You know how funny, I will say this. I will say this is.

That strikes me as odd about pull pot, though, I will say. He just would let it go comedy show. It's crazy. You know, what's funny is that I just reminds me of something. I am like most of our breed, so needy for a laugh. If someone truly evil finds me amusing, it's hard for me not to like. I will fight it. But you know what I mean?

There, do you know I ever have that where if someone's really cracking up at you and you know that I really don't like that person? Oh, yeah. Man, I'm killing them right now. You start to go, you know, I'll let it go. So they killed for it. Oh, it's an overcrowded planet. Oh, my God, I can find reasons why.

Oh, I don't know. Oh, no, I some people would say that they really liked orange, for example, and we would be like, we'd all be on set going. We don't want them to watch the show. We were not happy about various people that were saying they were fans. You know, it's like, no, I'm I'm. But I do have a soft spot in my heart for people who think I'm funny. Yes. Well, you know, I just I know you've mentioned this before,

but I love that there was not even a character for you when you audition. Yeah, which is the new black. Yeah, you just made through like sheer, just sheer force of your personality. Right. Yeah. Well, I or or Genji was smart enough to realize they needed a character like that. Right. And that should have been in the show in the first place, which is what I think happened. As she describes it, she says, when there wasn't a part for me in the show,

she went, she that's literally literally what she said. There. Why isn't there a part for Lee in the show? There ought to be a part for Lee, right? You should be there. Yeah. And it's funny. It reminded me that in the original Andy Griffith show, there was no. I'm really taking us back here, but there was no Barney. If you can believe that there was no. There was no Don Knotts.

There was no Barney Fife and they Don Knotts, I think, contacted. If I remember the story correctly, I think he contacted Andy Griffith and said, oh, you need me as your deputy. And and can you imagine that show doesn't doesn't exist without Barney Fife. And so I think it's the same thing where there's sometimes it just has to happen when the right person comes along, everyone knows it immediately. Oh, Leah needs to be part of this. Are you guys all close still?

Oh, yeah, we're still friends. Yeah. We still see each other. We still text each other. We still, you know, talk and stuff. I was just actually texting with the prepon about two weeks ago. Just having a combo, you know, out of the blue. She's one of those people who was coming on for that 70s show on my late night show in the 90s, and I feel like she was a kid. She was a kid.

And so I have this place in my heart for these people that came on the show when they were, I don't know, 18 years old. And I feel like their uncle or something, you know, if I ran into her now, I would still feel like, well, how are you doing? You know, I'd probably give her an envelope with like five dollars, a homework card and five dollars. Crumpled. Yeah. Crumpled five dollars.

Exactly. Casted me. Are you doing your studies? Are you? Dude. But yeah, so we keep in touch all the time. And a couple of people from the show and I are like, we're very tight. We hang out and do stuff together all the time.

Vicki Tarver and Ami, Emily Tarver. That's so funny, Vicki Martinez, because now they're, I call them Lilith Fair, because they're a, they're a dyke couple now and they, they tour and they're funny and they play a guitar and sing and stuff. So I just call them Lilith Fair, but I hang out with them all the time. So you're in this great space now that I've mentioned this sometimes to people. I always envy people that get to a place where you can kind of do what you want. And you're in that place now where you can be in this show, Head Over Heels,

but you're also in a film. Couple films. Couple films at the same time. Potato Dreams. Potato Dreams of America. This is a really interesting little independent film that I think people are going to fucking love. It's really, it's been getting great reviews.

And it's just, it's just a quirky, surreal, independent film about a kid and his mom who immigrate from Russia in the nineties to Seattle and the journey of that. And I play the kid's grandmother in Russia. And so you need the accent. I didn't, I didn't. The way he did it, it's the story of the guy who, who was the, the kid and he's the director. So it's his story and he wrote it. He directed it, does the whole thing.

He put everybody and nobody in Russia has an accent. We all speak with the, we're all Americans. We all speak like we speak. And it, yeah, yeah. And then when they go to Seattle, they're the ones that have really thick accents, which makes them seem even more like a fish out of water. You know what I mean? Which is, that's a cool idea.

That's a cool way to do it. Yeah. I had a really cool experience with this. Um, it's played at the Provincetown Film Festival and John Waters lives in Provincetown. Um, it's, he has two homes, one in Baltimore and one in Provincetown. He probably has a million homes, but those are the two places that he lives. And, um, John and I had become friends over the course of time. So he, there was, it was being shown at the film festival.

I came in, uh, John comes in, we went down, we hadn't seen each other since COVID. So we were just talking about our experience, COVID, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I sat down behind John, uh, two, two rows behind him after talking to him for 15 minutes, the movie starts. We watch John stays for the whole movie, which is good. I'm like watching him more than I'm watching the movie because I want to see what he thinks about the movie. And so he's staying, I've seen him, he, he gets up, he goes.

If he doesn't like it, if it's not digging it, he just goes, he goes. So he stays for the whole movie. He stays for the credits, which is again, unusual. He's staying for the Q and A, which is what's happening. So I'm up there for the Q and A and he's a first one to raise his hand and he goes, I have to tell you, Leah, I spent the entire movie going, who is that actress, the one playing me, the Russian government. It wasn't until the credit rolls that I found out it was you.

And so that was like, yes. That's fantastic. Nobody's ever said anything like that to me about my acting before. I was really excited. He was talking to you beforehand. I know, it's insane. So I've, and that's what the reviews are basically saying that you don't even realize it's her because it's, she just disappears into the character.

Congratulations, that's so cool. So, but it's very funny. She's very funny, this character. She just, she's just the voice of pessimism in every situation. So she's very funny, very dry, and a lot of this movie is really, really funny. So, and it's been picked up for theatrical release, I believe it comes out in February. That's fantastic. Yeah.

Is it, is it going to be in theaters? In theaters. Okay. I hope theaters come back. I really do. I want them back. Me too. Me too.

I want to go see Dune in a theater. I don't want to even waste my time. Well, there's a couple of things like that. I haven't had time yet to go see James Bond and I don't want to see James Bond on a television set. Who wants to watch James Bond on a television set? No, I got to see. Yeah.

Again, I got to see Dune. I was okay with Halloween though, with watching that on television rather than in a movie theater was fine with me. Yeah. There's some ones, and maybe, I don't know if it's an insult or not, but there are some films where, yes, I'm definitely like, check it out on TV. It's okay. Yeah.

And then there are movies where I just refuse. Yeah. I'm just, no, I'm not going to have, I need that experience. Some things. Yeah. Like I can't see any space related anything on a TV. I want to see anything where they're in space, outer space. I want to see that on a big movie theater.

You want to be there. Yeah. You want to be taken into that experience. Western. Western. Same thing. I want to be in the bigness of a Western. Were you surprised or, you know, because it's, I think it's often an assumption that

someone like you can sing and then you do stand up and you're a standup comedian, there's an assumption that's all standups, they can transition into acting and it's really not true. No, not true at all. It's not true at all. I mean, and in fact, one of the, I mean, I could name names, but I'm, I've had many friends who over the years are terrific standups and they go into acting and I can see them, they're checked out, they're not present on the screen as a character.

And it bothers me because I think there's kind of a misconception that that's, that's what happens. You're a standup and then you become an actor and that's just what you do. And so many of them, almost what makes them a great standup is they, they are 100% them all the time. They can't sublimate who they are to a character. They can't, you know, subsume themselves or dissolve into something else. How many standups do you know, listen, let's just start there.

And the most important thing in acting is listening. So I didn't, I didn't get any of that. Totally blank. I wasn't listening. What was that? So yeah, that's, that would be the biggest obstacle, I think, when it comes to that. But you know, but then again, when I do standup, I'm a very environmental standup, I'm clocking the audience.

I am listening. I am hearing what they're saying and what they're doing and I incorporate them so much into, into the standup itself. And you know, so I'm like, I'm less of a material writer and more of a just kind of being funny while I'm standing on stage. Yeah. And you, you probably love doing crowd work. Love it.

Yeah. That's what I do at universities. I talk for about 20 minutes and then I take questions and it's like, but that's an, that takes an hour. Then you're off to the races. Yeah. And that's it. They just came, they stand up.

They ask me any question they want because I'm very knowledgeable, which is what very knowledgeable people say. Well, I receive a lot of, basically I have a tiny crystal that's been embedded in my uterus and it allows me to get all sorts of, you know, information from the cosmos. I call it my beaver receiver. Are these available at Goop? I think you can get these at Goop and beaver receiver. It's $169.

And you know, whose face is on the package, Janine, you're awful. God, she's good. Janine, if you're out there, you're just a genius and, and, and tell me about, you did this documentary, The Lesbian Bar Project. Yes. I'm not allowed to participate. You're so far down on the trading list. I mean, it's just, you know, it's not fair.

I'm serious. We took Ann Coulter instead. Oh, no. Oh. Oh. This is devastating for me. Like that would happen. I'm standing there like, does someone want me?

Oh my God. We'll take Ann Coulter. Come on. Oh my God. Can you imagine? They think she's sexy. Did you see her depiction? Did you watch impeachment?

No, I haven't seen it yet. impeachment's really good. I can't wait. And it's really, really good. I think it's beautifully cast. I think it's very, uh, I mean, I wasn't even, I thought, well, I know the whole Lewinsky scandal. I don't need to see that.

I started watching it. My wife and I, and we were glued to it, but, um, so she's played by Colby Smulders. Oh. And she's great. And she is sexy. Oh yeah. Yeah. I know.

None of those GOP people, they all think they're so hot and it's like, ugh, dried up old Republican cooch. Be like going down in a trisket. Screw it. Oh my God. Which gives a whole new meaning to cheese and crap. Oh God. Oh God.

Can't scan them. And I like trisket. You just want to win trisket for me. You'll never win another one. Yes I will. Yes I will. My God. That image is going to go through my head.

Oh my God. Oh man. I can't wait to get down there and what the hell? Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Oh my God. Yes.

People are going to be pulling over. Anyone listening in their car right now has just crashed. We've created so many accidents right now. Oh my God. Oh my God. The lesbian bar project. Tell us about this documentary. So in my youth, dyke bars were everything.

It's where you went. It's where you met community. It's where you met, you know, it's where you went to dance. It's where you met people. It was a safe space. It was, of course, where I found pussy always. So they were prevalent. So as the world has changed, as we've become, as a people more accepted, we don't really

need those kinds of safe spaces in the way that we used to. We still need them. Don't get me wrong. But instead of having to go to a dyke bar, I can go to any bar and nobody gives me shit. I mean, of course that's not true 100%. We know that. It's one of the reasons why they are waning. Lesbian bars are waning left and right.

Do you have numbers? Do you have numbers on this? Yeah, I sure do. In the 1980s, there was close to 300 lesbian bars in the United States. There's now 20. It was 21. We just lost one. Wow.

So there's now 20 in all of the U.S. So the lesbian bar project was something I started with a couple of friends, which is sponsored by Yeager Master, where we basically tried to raise funds to keep the remaining dyke bars in America open. And we raised a quarter of a million, we made $250,000. Good for you. During the pandemic, which I think was really, you know what I mean? From lesbians, I said that as dry as I could because not because we're notoriously cheap

or anything, but because we are fucking cheap as fuck. And so the fact that we were able to get... Is that real? I didn't realize that was a thing. That is so real. You know, there are reasons for that. First of all, we are women. So we do make less money than men, and it's two women making less money together.

You can almost make one man there with your salary, you know what I mean? So the money can be... The money is a tight issue. And especially if you're like really ardent dykes, and sometimes people don't want to hire you, there's this thing called discrimination, you might have heard of it. So... It doesn't ring a bell. Yeah.

So therefore, it doesn't exist. It works for a straight white guy, would it? So yeah, so all that happens, all that comes together, and it just makes... That's another reason why dyke bars are having a hard time being open because the women don't have the money. And then I have the money to go to the bar and keep it open the way we used to. Because it was the only place to spend our money, we would go there. Now we can spend our money anywhere.

So it's just... There's all sorts of reasons why this is happening. It's interesting because you're saying in the one hand, you're saying that they've waned because there isn't the same need for them, but at the same time, it sounds like there kind of is a need. There is a need. And that's what I think. I think we fool ourselves in thinking that there isn't a need for that.

And I think that my younger generation especially, the younger generation, the younger queer generation, they don't even want to be called lesbians. They want to be called queer, they're gender queer or whatever the fuck that means. And they just want to say, well, we don't want to just party with lesbians, we want to party with everyone. And I'm here to tell you that every now and then, you just want to be with your own. And I think everybody can relate to that. I don't think there's a person on the planet that doesn't understand that.

And when you go into that bar, like Cubby Hole is my home. That's the bar that I go to the most and it's in New York City. It's in the West Village. It is the best, it's the greatest bike bar in the world, I think. But I know that when I walk in there, my shoulders just relax. The weight of the world comes off me, I'm going to be there with my family and friends and we're going to have a good time. You know what I mean?

And I think the younger generation needs to clue into that, to find that space that this is, look, this is where you can just be you and be with you, be with your own. And who doesn't want that? I think I see this with, you know, I have teenage kids and I see that, and I hear through them that, and I think you'd also have to just be completely blind and deaf not to know that it's in the culture, but there are so many categories now that you'd think it could be overwhelming for some young people. Oh, you're talking about the alphabet?

Yeah, exactly. And sometimes I think, yeah, well, the only thing for me is I have whatever someone decides or realizes they are, I want them to realize that and be happy. But when people are very young, you know, I remember it's just so confusing, sexuality so confusing when you're 12, 13, 14 and sometimes there's pressure with this almost cosmos of choices. It's insane. And sometimes you feel like this is, it's hard enough to navigate at a time when there

was I'm, I'm straight or I'm not straight, you know, now there's so much that I think gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, LGBTQ, oh, that one's a good one, AI allies, intersectional, by the time you're going to say it, the fucking parade's over, okay, and if we can just, oh my God, where did my parade go? I know, right? And it's like, it's fine. I just, I've always been queer, I'm one of those people, queer is queer, I think queer handles everything, I say queer, I don't, you know what, you know what the Q in that

stands for, the LGBTQ, it stands for questioning, why do I have to include them if even they don't know what the fuck they are, you know what I mean? So it just gets ridiculous here. Can we just call ourselves, also by doing what you're saying, what, what they think is inclusioning, it, to me, points out our differences rather than our shared oppression. And I think that the shared oppression is what makes us a community, so I get it, I understand what they're trying to do, I just think they're going about it a little ham-handedly, and there's nothing wrong with queer, but you know, what are you going to do?

You know, I'm a dyke, I'm not a lesbian, and the difference is about $500,000. Well, so in this, that was a class joke, I know, class joke. So in the, so in the Lesbian Bar Project, it's, this is the story of how these bars used to exist, there used to be more of them, and, and kind of how you're trying to bring it back. How we're bringing them back, and how we're trying to keep them up, and we've actually, I'm not sure how much of this I can discuss, but this is going, there's, there will be a series that, that is going to be made from this, and it will be me going to every lesbian

bar left in America. Oh wow. And, you know, talking with the patrons there, and so on and so forth, I think that's, that's the most I can say, you know, I can't say where, when, or any of that at the moment. Can we announce, can we announce that I'm going with you? Yeah. Oh, oh my God, that would be so funny, I can't stop. Most people think I'm Jane Lynch anyway, so, hey everybody, I'm here to help out.

I've got big ideas for this dyke bar, trust me, I understand your struggle better than anybody. What? And I'm here to, here to roll out my sleeves and get to work. Would that be funny? It would be funny. So I brought Jane Lynch, and it's just Conan, and it just walks in, to like, not even wearing a Jane Lynch wig.

Oh my God. I know, there's this what called hers in Mobile Alabama, that's, well let's do that there. Welcome. Let's just go, I brought Jane Lynch, and it'll be fucking Conan. It'll be so funny. I'll be there, and I'll just commit to it, yeah, I improvised my part in, in 40 year old virgin, it's really good to be here, and my apologies to Jane Lynch, who I know well,

and who is, she's great, and also so much better looking than me. That is not a put down to Jane Lynch, she is, she's gorgeous. You know what, this is a joy, this is a really fun, like, just, I always have a blast with you, I really do. Back at you, that's, I'm always excited when I know you're gonna be around my friend. And yeah, I'm just, I'm very happy for you, because you have, you have figured it out, you have the world by the ass, I mean, it's just really nice, you can do whatever you want, and you're just.

Including Felch, I know, I've got the world by the ass. I don't know. And now I'm gonna suck on its anus. Oh my God, I almost spit out my wife. Is it Trisket? Is it Trisket involved in this move? Or is it, we have to go with a different cookie, I suppose. We'll figure it out.

I gotta go call my mom and say, skip this one. Like my mom's listening to a podcast. All right, your podcast. Yeah, exactly. Is that your mom, Katakai? Katakai! Katakai! As God made her.

As God made her. Leah Delaria, you are an absolute joy, and please, please take over the world and run it, that would be a happy place. Oh. Seriously. That's, yeah. That means more people can get me things. And please, choose me, pick me.

I swear I could help your team, I really could. Aw. I just wanna be chosen. I know. All right, this is to all the dykes that are listening to this, do we want Conan? You can DM me. Okay. Please.

And then you have to let us know what the response was. I'm so gonna let you know. I know. I know. And you know what? If you want lesbian, DMs me and goes, we want Conan. I'm so glad to know. Great.

Good, good. And I'm, I've got my bags packed and I'm ready to go. Leah, God bless, be well, and please come back. This was so much, you're one of these people that needs to come back because we didn't scratch the surface. I know. I'm in. I'm in.

So let's do it. All right. Okay. But you can scratch my back. I did. Nobody knew that, but Conan was scratching my back. It's a thing. It's called the Conan.

It's a move. And man, is it creepy. No one on any side of the spectrum wants it. Conan made me snore. He totally made me snore, y'all. Well, I'd like to bring up some exciting news. Ooh. Yeah.

I'm so excited. That's, you just took the word that I used and repeated it. This is a big deal in my career anyway, which is for the first time in a long, long time, maybe well over a decade, maybe 15 years, I have a new headshot, you know, performers are supposed to have a headshot. And they've kind of gone out of vogue because it used to be you had to have a headshot. So when I had the late night show, I had a, you know, headshots and then all throughout the different incarnations of my shows over the years, over the almost 30 years, I've

had headshots. And then I realized lately that, man, I haven't had a new one in a long time. And the one that I, that occasionally someone will ask for one, you go to a dentist and the dentist will say, Hey, could you send me a headshot or you'll drop something off at the dry cleaner. And they'll say, Oh, is it okay? Mr. O'Brien, if we have a headshot. Yeah.

And you go, Hey, do you want a headshot? You do that a lot when you go out. Mostly I'm not asked. I do say, would you like a headshot? And they say, why? And I say, please, would you please put a headshot up with me? He does that to us every time we come in. Yeah.

I'm constantly begging people to put up a headshot of me, places where they really shouldn't go like funeral homes and stuff. Oh no. My, my, the one that I've had is, I swear to God, I think it's from when I first went to Turner, which is like 12 years ago. It was old. And I think it hurts. I'm holding a newspaper, I think that says Obama wins historic first month for presidency.

We did. Yeah. That was a mistake. Yeah. I don't know why I was holding that paper, but it dated it very quickly. But there was one where you had a beard. Yeah. This one where I had a beard from like the transition show to Turner and the tour.

So some of them were very aggressively dated, you know, and I was leaning against, I remember it at 2009 Toyota Corolla. It's weird that this one just has the newspaper where it says QAnon Shaman gets 41 months in prison. I like a specific reference in my headshots. No, this one just came out because someone asked me for a headshot recently. And like I say, they, it's kind of gone out of style. Most people, I want to say it's older people that want a headshot.

No young person wants a headshot. It's usually an older person that's like, could I have a photograph of you? Yeah, I guess. That makes sense. And so, because everyone else just takes a selfie. Yeah. And then they, young people want a selfie. But someone thought, well, we should get new headshots.

This just came in. I had some looking fella in the headshot. Let's see these. Well, I'll hold it up. But there I am. Look at that. I'm holding my chin in a way that I never have in real life. Yeah.

I'm doing that. I'm thinking about something. The photographer said, you need to use your hand and put it on your chin. I actually don't think that's my hand. I think that's the prosthetic dummy hand. It does look like a daintier hand than yours. Yeah. And, but I like that I'm wearing a jean jacket.

I'm wearing my cool biology teacher outfit. Yeah. The hair is nice and up. And I look, I look like a happy chappy. Yeah. Hey guys, look at me. I'm a nice guy. Yeah.

This is a solid headshot if you want to go audition for some commercials, like you'll get some bookings. Yeah. Bookings with this. And no, you're probably joking or doing one of your cruel jibes, Matt, but I do think this would get me some bookings. I look, I look a little devilish too in this headshot. Do you think you look devilish?

Well, I sort of look like I've, I just thought of something pretty kinky. I've got some ideas in my head that may not be PC. Imagine if you put that behind a window and you're looking outside from inside, like that person's looking in at your room. Yeah. Right. This person's peeking. Let me see if I can do a peeking here.

This is the window right here. And then this guy just comes up and he's like, oh no. Look at that creek peeking. Shark fin. Yeah. And then look at this right here. You're in the water. You're having a good time.

Suddenly the whistle blows. Everyone comes running out and this thing, this red fin goes by. He screams, runs out of the water and then slowly I emerge. I've noticed there are some performers that keep a headshot going for like 35 years. And so they'll be in their 80s and their headshot is clearly from when they were like 40. We should do that with you. That's a nice one. Yeah.

I'm just going to hang onto this. And as my head rots, which it will, the Irish do not age well. As my head rots, like a pumpkin in the sun four months after Halloween in the deep south, I rots and festers. I will keep putting this out there and the disparity between my real face and this youthful face will become more and more shocking and apparent. Yeah. It's a great photo though.

That's a good choice. I like it. I really do. I'm happy there's a new headshot and I just want to say to all of our listeners, you've really got to check out the new headshot. How will they check it out? Matt, how will the listeners check out the headshot? Is there any way?

Because this is too good a headshot for me to keep to myself. I agree. I've got to get the word out. Do I put this in a cylinder and we mail them out individually across the nation? We used to have to do that. Whereas there's something that uses technology. We just, if they just go to Teen Coco Podcasts on Instagram, it'll be there at some point. Now I just want to say that I'm not responsible for posting those things because usually when

these episodes come out, I get a lot of people going, hey, gorely, where's the thing you promised? Well, whose job is it? I don't know. You have a whole team. Well, I know I have a whole team, but let's, I think Adam's here and he's supposed to be the grand poobah in charge of everything. Adam Sacks, are you here?

I'm here. I'm always here. Oh, okay. Oh, that's great. Yeah. So you just heard of a major malfunction and did nothing. I waited to be called on. No, I...

You are the captain of the Titanic. You just heard that we hit an iceberg and you decided then you'd go and make yourself some crème brûlée. Yes, why, if we mentioned something, whose job is it to make sure that it goes on the Team Cocoa website? It's on Instagram and it's the marketing team, but it's our job. It's the podcast. You know, people who work for the podcast team to make sure that the marketing team is aware

that it's coming and that they have the right assets and that they know the timeline. And so... Did you say assets? You just said my headshot was an asset. It is an asset. Have you seen the headshot? Do you really think this is an asset? You're trading that on the New York Stock Exchange.

This is the new Bitcoin. This is the new Doja coin. NFT. Yeah. Photo currency. I just bought a luxury yacht for 900 Conan headshots. Well, let's get on it. Please take that scene in Die Hard where they open the safe and pull out those bearer bonds,

but it's a stack of Conan headshots. Yes. Do that. Or when they open the briefcase in Pulp Fiction and light comes out, you come around and it's this headshot. I mean, you can have fun. I'm giving you ideas for ways that you can pass the time at home at your own expense, placing my new headshot into awkward positions in great iconic moments, but I'm proud of

it. I'm really happy. And I think this is my last headshot. I don't think I'm ever getting another one. Why would I get one when I really look hideous and terrible? I wouldn't. I mean, you're okay with being like 80 and then somebody says, can I have a headshot and you're fine with giving that one?

You bet. All right. Yeah. What do I care? If anyone still remembers me at that point, I'll just be delighted. Check it out. Go to the Team Cocoa website and there's a- Oh, no.

No. What is it? What did I say? No. No. You go to the Team Cocoa Podcast's Instagram account. Oh, sorry. Go to Team Cocoa Podcast's Instagram account and there'll be an 8% chance that my headset

will be there. Fingers crossed. Because that's about as good- that's optimistic. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Bekton, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Nature, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Year Wolf.