Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Leslie Jones

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Comedian Leslie Jones could give a sh*t if she was Conan O’Brien’s friend. Leslie sits down with Conan to discuss her new podcast The Fckry, writing stand-up to fit her style, the lost art of accountability, and who at SNL she was secretly in love with. Later, Conan and his crew play sleuth to validate a dubious listener voicemail. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Leslie Jones, and I could give a shit if I was Conan's friend. Like a flying fuck. Like two shits and a dog, son. Okay, this, finally, finally, finally, someone has spoken the truth. I don't know why people won't say it to your face, Conan. I'm not afraid of you. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Wonderful show today for you. I thought you meant just in general, this is a wonderful show. I thought you meant that too. No, I should just say that. Yeah.

Wow, what a wonderful show. Not today's, but just in general. And I'm gonna say, I'm gonna include everything I've ever been involved with. Hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and what an incredible body of work. Hi. And what an incredible body. Well, there's some problems there. I'm working on it.

I'm working on my body. I'm working on chiseling my way out of my COVID slump. Okay, that's good. How about a little something like, yeah, and you're doing a really good job. You look good. Yeah, you're doing, you're so hot. Jesus, man. You're such a, you're so jacked.

You're so cool. Joint as always by Sonam Obsession. Wise ass to my right. And Matt Gorely, who I know has kind things to say about my efforts to lose the old COVID flap. Good choke on your own scrotum. Wow. Wow. Can you do that?

No, but seriously, I don't know about you guys. Did you guys, I did during choked on someone else's scrotum. Come on, let's go. Wow. This is all going to come out. Fine body of work. Is there anything wrong with choking on scrotums? He doesn't have to get out.

Let's try and reel this in. And yes, there is. Because if you're choking and your windpipe is impaired, that's terrible. Yeah, it's true. Scrotum or no. Choking bad. Regardless of what it is. So just choking in general is bad.

Choking is bad. It's called scrotum. It's called stroking. Incredible. Adam just looks at me all the time now and just shakes his head. Like this was a fine podcast. Are you raining on the parade, Adam? We're having a great scrotum talk.

Yeah. You brought me into this, Adam. It's your fault. I know. So I believe that I've, I don't know about anybody else, but I let things go a little bit over COVID. I think a lot of us did. I don't think you did, Gorely.

You seem to be a trim fellow. Well, at first I really worked hard to stay in shape and then I really let it go when the baby was born and put on more weight than I ever have. So are you doing the thing that I used to do with my brother, Neil, we used to, we realized that we loved Gerber's baby food. So when my brother, Justin, was born, my mom got this Gerber's food and we were always famished and there was a lot of us in the house and we never thought there was enough food.

The Gerber's banana is absolutely delicious. Do you not remember we did a whole segment about this and I brought- Oh, we did. I brought in- Oh, we tried it. My flavor of choice was the vanilla custard pudding and that was delicious. That is amazing. So I remember, okay, now I remember we did talk about this on the podcast, but my thing

is that that baby food is so good. But in general, when little kids are around, I don't know if you're doing this, Sona, but when little kids are around, their food is so much better than adult food. You should try it now. What is it like? Oh, it's these like pouches made by Jennifer Garner and these little creamy like wafer biscuits. Jennifer Garner have to do with anything.

She just knows what baby's like. That's true. I just love when you said, oh, this incredible pouch made by Jennifer Garner. You know what? What are you getting paid on the side? Because that's all I know. I have no idea what the story is. You don't even care.

Can we plug it? Because my kids eat that too. What? My kids, it's once upon a farm. It's a delicious pouch organic. It's delicious. Let's make it clear. Send a shipment to us.

Let's make it clear right now. This is not a paid promotion or anything. But it could be. I laughed. It could be. I laughed because clearly you're just starstruck. You're feeding your child. You don't even know what's in the food.

So what did you give your kid today? You know? I gave her a cracker made by the situation from Jersey Shore. Yeah, exactly. What's in the cracker? Just oil. Tanning oil. Yeah, tanning oil.

Yeah, I don't know anything about it. Amanda just told me that. Like, wow, this Jennifer Garner's company makes this. I tasted it. It's delicious. It is really good. Yeah. It's good.

It's all about that pouch life now, though. Yeah. You can even get empty pouches and fill it in with food you make. Right. And what do you mean an empty pouch? Why would you get an empty pouch? Because the kids know to, like, grab it and suck the food out. And it's...

Do you realize we're raising a whole generation of kids that think that all meals should be eaten out of a pouch? Yeah. They're going to be gathering as old people around Thanksgiving tables, sucking mashed turkey out of a pouch. And that's what everyone's going to be doing if we don't stop it now. Soil and green. Is that bad?

This is terrible. It is bad. That's all right. Yeah. You're getting the nutrients. It's like huffing. I don't want this. If I saw babies just holding bags up to their faces and inhaling it, they look like addicts

at a gas station at four in the morning. Yeah. My babies need it every day. If they don't get it, they start to, like... Huffing? ...to their pouches. Oh, yeah. I watched...

Their pouch life. Their boys attack a bag of little, looked like little cheese balls. Yeah. Little puffs. Yeah, they'd love them puffs. And you opened the bag, ripped open the bag, and just poured a bunch on the table. Yeah. And it was like pouring chum in the water in a shark-infested tank.

It's just her two kids, Mikey and Charlotte, like, and then a piece of the table was gone afterwards. Was it like a hungry, hungry hippos? It really is. A goink, goink, goink, goink, goink. And I didn't realize her babies, their jaws detach and they go out like the hippo and slide the pellet back in. A bloop, a bloop, a bloop.

It also helps that one of your kid is bright red and the other is bright blue. Well, you're welcome for the free plug, Jennifer Garner. Send some food. Yeah. We like those pouches. All right, we got to get going. We have a terrific show today. It is a hilarious comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live.

And to start in such movies and TV shows is Ghostbusters, Coming to America and Our Flag Means Death. Now she has a new podcast, The Fuckery, with Leslie Jones. She stole our title. And with Leslie Jones and Lenny Marcus, new episodes release every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts. I'm very excited to chat with her today. Leslie Jones, welcome.

How are you? You look amazing. Thank you. I try. I think it's effortless. It's a lot of working out, you know, a lot of bad and a lot of, you know, washing my face, washing my teeth, I think. Well, so great to have you here.

Thank you. You're absolutely hilarious. It's wonderful to have you here. And I know you have your own podcast now coming out soon, right? Yes, it's called The Fuckery. Okay, well, that, we're not going to have that kind of language here. Oh, wait, we already have. Oh, I didn't want to say, well, man, it's going to be a lot of bleeping going on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Fuckery, that's the name of the podcast. The Fuckery, yes. Tell us what it's all about. The idea of this podcast. Well, it's really, it's, everybody's always wanting to talk to me or hear my opinion about something or hear me just conversate about or want to know what I think about things.

And at one point I was going to maybe take over for Ellen and it's just not a good idea. Just not a good idea to put me in the middle of the afternoon. Right. And I'm not always... They're calling the army. You know what I'm saying? Like they're calling National Guard. Seriously, National Guard, like straight guns to the head.

And I was just like, it's too restrictive too, you know, I can't, you can't do shit in it, you know that. So I was like, I want to be somewhere where I can say exactly what I want to say, how I want to say it and not give a shit. And they was like, podcast. So me and my friend, Lenny, we always have the greatest conversations and we're just everybody that see us talk today was like, this has got to be on something. So we decided to do it.

Well, you're so great at, I've told you this before. I have friends of mine who rave all the time about your commentary that you do, whether it's at the Olympics or whether you're watching, you're just watching, you know, the 2020 election is happening. Right. Someone's giving an interview and you're there riffing off of what's happening and it can be so funny and so raw, but also really funny. Yeah.

But I'm just saying what everybody's thinking and I think I say it in a way to where I try to, what I try to do as I try not to be offensive, but try to be honest and the way to not be offensive is to be honest. So, you know, like when they were doing all the newscasts and doing the pandemic, I was like, I don't think these people realize what they room look like. I know this is seriousness, but I cannot take this bit serious. She got a picture of a dog fucking a frog. There was people in straight torture chambers and having zooms like what the shit going

on. Bitch. This is the secret room in your house. I don't think this is supposed to be behind you. What the fuck? You know, what's great was you're absolutely right when the pandemic first hit and everybody jumped on zoom, nobody cleaned up their background. Now what happened, I want to say four or five months into the pandemic, suddenly everybody

had the same books they had never read, never behind them, a picture of a dog that wasn't theirs or flowers or ugly ass blinds, people decided to go ahead and let people know what they're like. Yeah. You know, like this, this one bitch had a, it was a whole mystery staircases shit. Bitch. Where are you? Are you in a dungeon, bitch?

What the fuck? Do you need help? I mean, some of them is like, and some of them would just not give no effort to be in front of a white wall. And it's like, bitch, are you hostage? Do we need to send somebody in to get you? Jesus. One girl was in the, in the break room.

I was like, listen, God damn it. Get your shit together. Get a fucking office. After I talked about her, they got her an office. Cause I was like, bitch, she's not supposed to be in front of the Nescafe. Talking about what the fuck, Trump is. This is not, I can't take this, I can't take this bitch serious. It's a Nescafe line.

I wait for George Clooney to walk in this line. So here's what's great because this is something that I know that you got into stand up because friends of yours, this was not the plan. No. This was not the plan for you. I don't think I really had a real plan, Conan. I think. Those are my favorite people didn't have a real plan.

I, listen, when I started college, first of all, you gotta know, I got in college. I didn't realize that until the first semester, I was like, oh, this motherfuckers let me in. That's fucking hilarious. And then they was like, oh, you know, you gotta pick a major major. What's that? It's like, what do you want to be? Oh, okay. All right.

Let's play. All right. So that's, that's as serious as you should take that question. Who knows at 18? Yeah. And I was like, okay, so I want to be a lawyer. Okay. That lasted a week.

I got all those fucking books, went to one class and this motherfucker was like 25 cases a day. You have to have read and analyze. And I was like, you can go fuck yourself. I do not care about the justice system at all. Right. I was like, okay, well, I'm good at math. I'm going to be a computer scientist. Michael economics looked at me and said, bitch, skip this class.

So after first class, I went up to the professor and I was like, yeah, I'm going to need to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know I can tell. Then I was like, okay. I had you on the get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here. Literally you just asked me why there's no plus and minuses in microeconomics. Yeah, bitch. Where's the time table? This is some bullshit. Then I was like, okay, so I'm going to be an architect. Oh, you had no how to draw. Nope.

Just too many fucking things. No, no. Then I was like, okay, what, what do I like to do? I like music. Okay. So I said, okay, I'm going to be a DJ. So the school would let me be do the DJ and stuff. So I took, for some reason for a fluke, I took a communications class because I was

like, whatever, first day in that class, they made us get up and see if we could talk in front of class. I talked for like a 30 minutes and the lady came over to she was like, you don't have to take this class. She was like, I'm going to go ahead and pass you. She's like, you need to go and start taking more classes like this because, you know, she's like something's there, you know, I was so at first I was like, good for her. I was like, okay, well, I'm going to be a good DJ or something or I'm going to be like

an actress or something or like, I thought, I never thought comedian all this time I'm making people laugh like crazy, but I never thought comedian always thought, oh, comedian is like Richard Pryor, Whoopi Goldberg, Eddie Murphy, I'm not that, you know, I'm maybe I'll be an actress and I'll get to play Whoopi one day in a movie. That's, that's, that's as far as I would go and took acting classes and stuff. And I don't know. None of it was really. I don't know, like grabbing on, I would do these little things, but I didn't notice

that I was at parties. People were inviting me to parties because I was funny as fuck. And I was just, you know, so I got, I got my scholarship changed over to Colorado State. My coach left Chapman and then went to Colorado State and took me with him, but he didn't tell me that it was going to be a red shirt year. I didn't know what red shirt was until I got there. And I was like, Oh, I have to practice, but I can't fucking play the game. Fuck this.

Like, I don't want to do this. And I was hanging out with these girls and this girl signed me up for a contest. She signed me up for a comedy contest on the campus, the funniest person on campus. And she came in one day and she was like, well, we were walking through the thing and she saw the sign and she was like, you should sign up for that. And I was like, no, what the fuck is wrong with you? She's like, she's like, you're so fucking funny, bitch. You're so funny.

I was like, bitch, you don't know what funny is. Cause again, I'm thinking Richard Pryor. Right. Will be go over Eddie Murphy. You don't know what funny is. I'm, I'm okay. Right. She was like, she came to my apartment like two days later and she was like, yo, I signed

you up for that contest and I was like, bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, I'm not going to do that. I was mad at her, but I wasn't angry, angry. And then I was just like, well, you think I can do it? And she was like, bitch, you are funny. Just get up there and start talking. So I was like, okay. So I went to this contest and you know how comedians are that hear about a contest.

So all the comics from Denver came down to Fort Collins and try to intimidate us and shit. This is the first thing I learned, you know, but they don't know that, you know, I'm from a fucking hood where gangsters, pimps, hoes, crackheads. I didn't see anything. So you're not going to pull one over on me, but I could see that they were intimidating the other comics. So I just went up and just started talking about my family and these, and ripped one the contest, but I'm going to tell you the process of walking on that stage and touching

the mic was absolutely religious. I remember touching the mic and thinking, I have been doing this all my life already. It literally felt like something that was like had been put on me. It was a perfect shirt. I don't know if that's the same experience, but I just remember speaking into the mic going, oh, I'm going to be doing this for the rest of my life. What I can relate to, which I know to be true is when, when I was growing up, I made people around me.

I made my family laugh. I made my brothers and sisters laugh, big family, make kids in the neighborhood laugh. I make kids at school laugh. That was my secret weapon and it got around that I was really funny. I didn't think that counted. I thought that just called, you're funny with your friends and if someone had ever said to me, you should be funny professionally. I'd say, well, no, no, just like what you said, I'd say, no, funny people.

That's something else like professional comedians, professional talk show hosts, professional anyone who's in front of people and they're paying money to see them and they're making them laugh. That's something very different. I don't know what that is and I'm a thousand million miles away from that. That is what I thought. When I started getting up in front of people and getting laughs, it felt exactly the same way like I was a duck being put into water for the first time and going, wait, this feels

right. This feels really good. It feels so right. But it still took years. Oh. Years and years. I didn't make it till I was 47. I didn't make it till I was 47.

I think I was comfortable with doing comedy, but when you first start comedy and this is what I tell New Jacks, just first of all, real comics we hate when people come up to us and ask, hey, what advice do you have for new comics? Because the first thing I'm going to say is quit. Because if you got asked right now, then you're not going to hang in there to do what you have to do. But it still took years for me to learn how to actually perform. Until I saw Jamie Foxx, I was just wailing out there.

I didn't know that you have to write jokes that fit you. You don't just write jokes. You know what I'm saying? So I was going up there saying shit that did not. People were like, what? What are you talking about? Like I would get booed. I would just get scratched off by the DJ and I saw Jamie Foxx one night and he performed

and I was like, oh my God, that's okay. That's the form of comedy. That's what I want to do. Okay, so how, because I didn't think anyone could be funnier than Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy or Whoopi Goldberg. Like I said, I had put them in that and to see someone perform in that same genre of like, I was like, oh, mannerisms and shit. I was like, oh, this is it.

This is, oh shit. He's not. Who is this guy? Like, so I remember getting my friend to talk to his friend so I can talk to him. But he was like, you don't have shit to talk about, you know, you're a young star. I was like 18. He's like, you, he's like, go get fucked. Go fuck someone.

Go get your heart broke. Go break some hearts. Go get fired. Go get hired. Just go and live life so you can have some material. I just knew I had that wanting in me and I was more scared of not going up than going up. Yeah.

So it was that. And, but I knew that I didn't want to do it until I was good at it. So that's what I did. I spent six years and lived life, had crazy times and then came back in 93 and just been doing it ever since. You're doing stand up and it feels to me, and this is something I've said a lot over the years. I've said the trick of this business isn't to figure out some new person that you should

be who's funny or resonates with people. The trick is to figure out who you always were and then do that in a weird situation, which means lights, cameras, people around. And you know, here she is, Leslie Jones music. You come out. That is a very unnatural environment. It's very in some ways very fake, but you got a crack. How can I be the person I was who killed at all those parties with your friends?

And that's what you do. You go into the search of who's, oh, Leslie is the one that's funny, not these people that you've been. Like I would rip a room and someone would come up to me and go, Oh my God, you're so fucking funny. Oh my God. You one of the funniest people I've ever seen. And I would be like, I'm good.

I'm okay. And they would be like, well, what the fuck was I was like, well, you know, I'm not Richard Pryor. And they were like, well, I don't fucking like Richard Pryor like you. Like give yourself some love. Like cause I like you, I've never seen Richard. So I just saw you and I had to stop myself from doing that. You know, I had to go, okay, so it's you up here telling these jokes.

It's you writing these jokes. So it's you. You also adulation doesn't get you anywhere. Right. So if you, you know, I spent so many years, you know, thinking I have no right to even be in the same room as all these incredibly funny people that I admire. That doesn't take you anywhere. That leaves you cold.

Yep. They're, you know, sure. They're great. They're great, but it's isolating and it cuts the creative process off. And in a way you have to figure out, okay, yes, they're great. They're amazing. But I got to put that away right now and figure out who I am. And if someone likes that, great, maybe we can get something going.

And it's much more like, it's just the same thing. It was like Kobe is Kobe as good as Michael. Well, Michael was Michael. Kobe was Kobe. You know what I'm saying? So it's, it's in that same fact like I was just telling my friend, I was like, I wonder if we're going to have to start letting go of the Whitney Houston's and the Michael Jackson's and the princes and the admiration for them so we can let room in for these

new artists. I just went and saw Bruno Mars and Anderson Pack. Like two of the most, that was the most incredible concert I've ever seen. And those, those, they are so talented, but I'm so scared. No one's going to know that this talented until too late. You know, like we got to give them some love. You're right now, they're creating great things. Yes.

Prince was incredible. Yes. Michael Jackson was incredible. Yes. Whitney Houston was fucking incredible. Like, but we got to start. We got to support the people who are here now, who, who is incredible now. If that's the case, then we go all the way back and say Marvin Gaye was the best singer

ever. You know what I'm saying? Like, no, we don't go anywhere. Yeah. We don't move on. Exactly. Exactly. And that's what's wrong with us.

This whole world right now is that we just, we're so absolutely frightened to move the fuck on. Yeah. We're so goddamn frightened. And it don't make no damn sense because if we don't move on, we are going to die. What do you think we're frightened of? We're frightened of change. We don't understand that we've already been changing.

If we hadn't changed, we would all be dead from dysentery. Do you get what the fuck I'm saying? I mean, it's just amazing to me how we're not believing science, how we're not believing our advancement. How I was in the airport and we were in this little trolley that takes you around the airport and it's fucking brick wall. I was like, we can build this shit, but we don't believe in vaccines. Make it make fucking sense.

And for us to now just all of a sudden a profession that we fucking hold so high, we don't even believe the doctors no more. What the fuck is wrong with us? What the fuck is wrong with us? And I feel like social media has been a blessing and a curse in that because they've given everybody a platform. People who, and I love you people, but some of y'all don't need to talk. I love you to death, but some of y'all need to keep your fucking opinion in your goddamn

kitchen. You know how some people say, don't say that shit out loud. Some of y'all need to put that on your fucking door and just keep your shit to yourself. There's a reason that we don't say everything on our mind. There's a reason that you have sensors. There's a reason. And the idea initially when social media first came along is this is going to bring us all together.

And then the great irony is that everybody's completely isolated because I don't have to, if I don't like, you know, Leslie, if I don't like your opinion or I don't like what you're saying, I never have to see you or hear you because I can modify everything in my life to block me out. So that I only see, oh, and I've tried. No. And you're never blocking it. I try.

I just keep showing up in the middle of fucking show up, but no, but he wasn't even invited on this. I know. I know. You were supposed to be here today. He's crashing through the door. You just punched Henry Winkler and came running. I love punching him too.

But no, it is, it is so crazy to me that everyone can just take a bath in their own opinions and their own ideas and never be challenged and never be checked. Yeah. Because accountability is, is just what needs, everyone needs to learn accountability. Even down to driving, like I was driving the other day and, you know, Melrose is fucked up because of the construction, right? Okay. So everybody's trying to get along.

Everybody's like, okay, we're going to make fucking good do with this. One motherfucker that needs to pull over to the side and fucking back up in the middle of the fucking traffic. But no one says anything. No one's bumping their horns. No one's saying, motherfucker, no police there checking the, so you're going to do what the fucking want. But that's exactly what's going on now.

No one's getting checked because everybody's so sensitive. No one knows how to say, sit your motherfucking ass down because, oh, we're not supposed to say that. Yes, you are. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a thing that's going on now where people are not falling down. You need to fall down so you can get back up. People are not scratching.

I want to scratch everybody's knee. Do you get what I'm saying? You mean you, you think people need to try fit and hurt? You need to, people have this thing right now where, oh, you old people, y'all glamorize suffering. No bitch ass motherfuckers. We glamorize being strong. We glamorize learning a fucking lesson.

We glamorize, hey, if you make a fucking mistake, you made a mistake, get your ass up and fucking either fix it or keep it moving. We don't learn. Oh, we made a mistake. Everybody hug each other. No. You fucked up. You fucked up.

You fucked up. Tell somebody. They fucked up. You're wrong. That's wrong. That's bad. You know what's interesting? You just said, I've noticed this recently, nobody says anymore.

All right. I was wrong. I never hear that. And you used to have to hear it because the analysis would come out, the election would be over. The results would come in and someone would go, well, okay, I was wrong. I thought I was going to win, but I didn't. Now people that run for office say, if I didn't win, it was because it was fixed.

But if I do win, then it was still kind of fixed, but I still won anyway. It's fucked up. Yeah. And so I think you're right. In my life, in my personal life, when I walk around, if anybody says, you know what, I made a mistake and I'm sorry, I think that person's a genius. I have so much respect for it and it completely changes the way I see them and the way I feel about them.

Even if it motherfuckers say, my bad, yo, man, my bad, yo, people who project, it's a lot of projection. The passive aggressive is the new thing now, read between the lines, I'm saying what the fuck I really mean, but I'm not saying what I really mean. And it's disgusting. In other words, fake it till you make it is making shit float. Do you know what I'm saying? Back in the day when you used to say, I'll fake it till I make it, that means that I'm

going to fake it until I've really actually learned what the fuck I'm going to. Now it means I'm just going to fake it all the way to the top. And because I, let me tell you, world-renowned, every time I hear somebody say world-renowned, I punch them in the face because go fuck yourself. I hate world-renowneds. Oh, I'm world-renowned. Have you been to Compton? Because I'm from Compton.

If you ain't been from Compton, Compton's in the world, you can't deal with me. Go fuck yourself, world-renowned ass bitch. Man, I was about to say I'm world-renowned and I luckily did renounce you. Guess what? Leslie, I was going to do it because sometimes it's something I just say. Sometimes I just say, you know what? I'm kind of world-renowned. And then I...

You would not believe how many people say world-renowned to me. Really? And it's so hilarious. It's like saying, I know Kim Kardashian, go fuck yourself. I remember, and I remember this because I remember going, oh my God, that's really embarrassing, Leslie. I remember when I got SNL and I had to meet with Lauren and I was sitting there, you know, it was in the process.

Now, Lauren's world-renowned. Very much. The only half of the world. Leslie, come here. Leslie, I wanted to meet you. Leslie, I think that you're so funny. Leslie, come here, Leslie, I want to meet you, Leslie, I think that you're so... Leslie...

Oh, man, so many imitations, I love imitating them, he's so funny. But I remember meeting him for the first time and I'm in the office and I was fucking shitting bricks. I just... I could tell this man was somebody who fucking just... He's the motherfucker, right? And I'm just sitting in this office in front of him and I'm like, okay, I'm old too, I'm like 47, so I should be able to say something mature, you know, like, you know, and I remember...

Trust me, that does not come with age. It does not. It does not. It does not. And I remember looking at this man and saying, I can't even believe I said it, I said, hey, if you want to ask somebody about me, call Eddie Murphy, he know me. And he know I'm funny, and Lauren was like, he's like a fish in a tank, I'm sure you're funny, I'm sure you're real funny, I just remember thinking, I don't mean shit, you

don't give a fuck. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, but he knows, I mean, the other thing is you wouldn't have been in his world if he didn't know you were funny. Well, I mean, I was just in that position of just like, I need to impress him, I need to feel like, you know, you need to feel like you need to be a better... Sure, I've been right there with that man and felt the same way. And you don't have to do that.

You don't, you just be you. Like, I didn't know if I... And then I really wish I would have known that just be me, I didn't learn that until maybe six months into SNL, that the way I was going to win at SNL was to be me. You know, I was trying to be everybody else. I had... You know, I'm a Virgo, so Virgos are perfectionists and we trying to fucking with people-pleasers too.

And it's like, when I walked in there, I was a dope-ass comic and I'm like, I'm going to prove to you motherfuckers I'm funny and didn't have no respect for sketch comics at all. See, this is what I want to ask you about this because... I had no respect for sketch comics. As a matter of fact, when they told me to come and fucking do it, I was like, yeah, I can do it because these sketch motherfuckers don't know how to do comedy. They only know how to do fucking pretend shit and they're not funny, put them in front of

a fucking mic and let me tell you something. That motherfucking table read, but sitting between Aidy Bryant and Taryn and fucking Kenan in front of me, these motherfuckers was changing their voice every five seconds and doing shit. I was just like, what the fuck is like Taryn singing straight like Sam Smith at any second, Aidy just busting, Kate busting into rap. It was like, what the fuck? I felt like a dumb motherfucker.

I felt like I had went to college and met a gang of people that's way more talented than me. So it was just now, then it was a mission of like, oh, I got to prove I'm funny because these motherfuckers are funny. I got to prove that I can give something to this equation and I really was not being myself. I was really trying to be something else. Until one day Kenan, I was smoking weed with Kenan and Kenan was like, man, you be having me busting the fuck up in this room.

He was like, why we don't see this motherfucker? And I was like, oh, I mean, because you know, I'm kind of ghetto, you know, I'm ghetto and shit. You know, he was like, man, this is the motherfucker they need to see. So that's the person. So I started, that's when I started Cat Collin, Collin in the middle of the hallway, and I would be like, use a fine ass white motherfucker, oh my God, I've never seen a white man so fucking fine.

And I would just, and they would just laugh and laugh, so I would get on the elevator with him. And I'm not, because he was always with Lauren. So whenever I would get on the elevator with him, I would just be like, so if I invited you to my house, would you come? And he would be like, Leslie, you can't do that. Like Lawrence, I was like, Lauren wants me to get some too, and Lauren would just start laughing.

So it was just like, hey, and then I wrote my first update. And the first thing I said was you delectable Caucasian. And that was it. That's great. Collin was like, yeah, we got to do something with this. We got to, and I know, but I was really in love with Collin. I was in love with Collin for literally the first whole season. I was so fucking in love with him and he knew it.

He knew it and he took advantage of that love. He really did. He fucking motherfucker. I'm saying this and I hope you listen to Conan O'Brien right now, because I know that you knew that I was in love with you. And he strung you along. He strung you along. I strung me fucking along.

Collin, I would text him at two o'clock in the morning and be like, no one's going to know. No one's going to know. Just come over real quick. Just come over and he would be like, Leslie, you know, I got a girlfriend. So, fuck the bitch. I was like, I've seen her. She's so skinny.

You're not having fun with her. You're not having fun with her. You're not having fun with her. And I just, I literally was so in love with him. And I think one time, one time I did an update and it was so, and they, we never got to air, but it was so, I remember Lauren looked at Collin and it goes, yo. If Lauren says yo, things are off the hook already. Fucking, she's like.

She fucking, Keena was like, you really like that dude? And I was like, that's not talk about it. The day that I gave up on Collin was like a sad day because I was just like, I'm just, he's never going to fucking like me the way that I like him. And then he did something. Then I started hearing things about him and I was like, oh, he dirty. Then I wanted him more. You like a dirty guy, huh?

Well, good news. Oh, wait. I got to. I was like, you don't seem dirty at all. Wait a minute. Do you want to hear about our beef? Yeah. Well, we got beef, I'm told.

Okay. So I'm trying to remember when this was. Yes. Okay. When I had to host, I think it was the BET Awards. Remember I had to come and do Conan O'Brien? Had to. Got to.

Let's do another take of that. What do you mean I had to go do Conan O'Brien? I had to. They put that shit on the press. That's what my wife says. My wife says I had to do Conan O'Brien. I was like, for Christ's sake. The fuck I'm going to talk to this motherfucker about, man.

But I wanted to do it because I was like, kind of all the white people like him. And I was like, he seems really funny. Now, every time I saw you, he was really funny. I was like, I didn't know he was as tall as you was too. And I was like, damn, this guy's tall. But I don't know who your, the producer was. I don't know if you're friends, but he was so fucking weird. And I told him.

I don't know who you talked to. He was a weird motherfucker. He, I don't remember this guy, but I just remember being him making me just not uncomfortable. Oh, you mean the guy that talks to you before the show? I wanted to beat him up. I want to describe him physically. He's like, he looked like, he looks like John Schaefer. He had, he had ball head, had glasses.

I just remember him being nervous. I think he had a condition. I don't think he worked on our show. I think he talked to someone in the hallway who said, no, let's come over your notes for Conan. And then he ran down the hall and insisting, insisting on stuff. And I was like, no, don't talk about that. Don't talk about that. Yeah.

And then I, he said, well, can I mention? Cause he was like, you said, he's like, you have a boyfriend. And I was like, no, it's, we were just starting to talk to each other. Sure. Yeah. So I was like, no, don't mention that at all. Cause he was already squeamish about date me anyway. So he was, I was like, no, don't mention that.

And what's the fucking first thing that you said you asked about a boyfriend. And then I, I'm the type of person that doesn't lie. I really don't lie. It's very hard. So I was like, oh, we kind of, and I think I said something like, oh, I think I'm kind of mad at him or something like that as something I said, but I was like in my head trying to answer you and like, what the fuck? Why do you fucking ask me that?

Because the next day, Colin, I'm calling. Oh, so maybe you now have a thing for me. No, Colin's talking. Colin and Conan sounds the same. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Just like, you know,

Do you want my number? No, I don't. I didn't think. I didn't think. I didn't think you did. Can I have yours? You need a friend. You need a friend, Colin.

You need a motherfucking friend, Colin. So the next day, this motherfucker sends me, because after that happened, every news thing picked up. Oh, Leslie Jones is dating someone. This motherfucker sends every article that mentions, it mentions him to my phone. Damn. He was like, and especially sent the clip from your fucking show.

And I was like, he sends me the clip. But my people was like, he's a bitch. He's a bitch. The fact that he sent you articles, that means that motherfucker went and looked for these. That's bitch shit. Yeah. So I shouldn't have been with him anyway.

Yeah. I did you a favor, first of all. You did. No, I will say this. Fuck off because you fucked it up. No, I will say this, Leslie. I never ever, if I knew that someone didn't want to talk about something, I never did.

Because that would really upset me, and it upsets me to know that that, seriously, I don't like that. I don't like that. It's okay, because like you said, you did do me a favor. Yeah, well, yeah, but I don't like that. I don't like that you were asked something that you didn't want to be asked, because that's not...

Well, I played it off really well. I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did. Don't feel bad. The guy's gone. Wow. And he should have been. Maybe I'd like to hang out with him.

No, no. Fuck that. I bought him a first class ticket to come out, and he didn't show it. Oh. Fuck that guy. That's the right thing, then. You did.

He was just... I gotta figure out who this producer is. I know. You're not supposed to do that. If someone says I don't want to talk about something you're up to doing. I know he's right. And there he did about that. He was really forceful.

Like, he was... I just remember thinking, this guy, he said he worked with you for a long ass time. He was the guy... I just remember him glasses, and I remember him having a condition, because he told me about his condition. A condition?

And he's telling you about his condition? Yeah. Are you sure this wasn't a ghost? No. He was saying... What kind of show are we running? He said he was... Because I was like,

are you like ADHD or something, or... And he was like, he said something that he had. And I was like, yeah, that's just... You know what? Yeah, I gotta say, what kind of show am I running? Yeah. Where I say,

hey, we need a segment producer to talk to Leslie Jones. Who we got? Outdo it, boss! All right. Here's what you gotta do. First of all, make sure that if she's uncomfortable with something,

that it's the first thing out of my mouth. Okay, got it. Second of all, and this is important, do you have eczema? Yeah, I have eczema. Good! Make sure you mention it to her.

I don't know who... I just remember thinking, this fucking guy, man, but he said he had been with the show forever. He was a big fan of mine. I just remember him being short, bald-haired glasses. I'm gonna take care of this.

I'm just gonna say, some shit's gonna go down now. You're gonna get a finger in a box on your breastbone. It's gonna be a hawk's head on your mind. This is just a never-bitchin'-this guy! Poor guy!

Oh. Well, anyway. God, that's so fucking funny. Well, I'm glad we cleared the air. I'm sorry that we had beef because you're absolutely hilarious. So hilarious. And, you know,

one of the things I love about this segment, and this is why I'm looking forward to your podcast, because you're talking about something that I think I've been preaching about for a long time. It comes up a lot, which is, I think there are a lot of people out there right now

who are listening to you who think or have seen you perform and think, well, I can't do that. That's Leslie Jones. She can do that. But that's not me. I'm funny, but I'm not,

what she's doing is a whole other thing, and they separate themselves. It's very self-hating. They put you on a pedestal, and what they're also doing is belittling themselves. And I try to tell people it's figuring out where you are, what you have to say,

connecting to that. And it takes time, too. I still, I look at stuff I did in the, you know, whatever, 25 years ago on TV, and I go, oh man, I'd do that so,

I think I'd do that much better now. I think too, now kids are just lazy, too. They kind of want to find out what's the secret. So when a lot of comics come up to me and be like, oh, I want to be a comic, what do you give advice? Have you been on stage yet?

If you haven't, get the fuck out my face. Because it's just like, I didn't have anyone to ask. I don't even remember asking that question to any comic of like, what should I do to be better? I think the only thing I asked Jamie Foxx, I remember asking him like,

oh, okay, so is there things that I need to do? Is there places I need to go? Is there stuff, exercises or whatever? And it's just like, he was just like, no, you need to get on stage and just perform. So it's just like,

these kids need to know that in your first three years, you're supposed to be struggling. You're supposed to have problems. You're supposed, it's not going to be, it's not something that, like people get into this and go,

oh, I'm funny, I'm going to be just as funny, but you don't know the mechanics of it. You don't know the mechanics of standing in front of an audience that's staring back at you and waiting for you to speak. You don't even know how you stand on stage.

You don't know if you need to sit down. You don't know if you need to have water. You don't know none of that shit in your first year. So your first year is really you touching the mic. You should only have one joke. Like literally one good joke. Go up and tell that joke and get the fuck off stage.

And that's real talk. You know, the other thing that you do so well is you mix it up with people. You're a crowd work. You mixing it up with people. It's my favorite thing in the world. It's so funny and...

It's my favorite thing in the world. There's so often I see people that, you know, and that do it and it's like, well, it's okay, but it just feels like it's packing peanuts. It's just filler. It's not really getting us anything. But you really go on the attack.

It's not even attack. It's a story that I see when I look at a person, I make up a whole thing. And it's so fun to explore that. My main thing when I'm doing crowd work is to make the person that I'm talking about laugh just as hard as everybody else in the room. So I really do it with joy.

I never want anyone to feel like they're feeling fucked up. But you know what? That's a lot like, you know, one of the greatest of all time at this. One of the greatest was Don Rickles. That's what he achieved too. He would go in and it would the same thing. He would be tearing into someone,

but the person could feel... Dying. Would be dying, laughing and could feel his good intent. He would have been horrified if he thought that he really did hurt someone's feelings. Oh my God. Because he was a very sensitive person

and I think you're the same way. When I say attack, I mean the energy. I meant the energy and intensity with which you go at it, which is full-throated. I'm going to go after this person right now, but do it in a way that there's a lot of love in it. It's so fun.

And it's really funny. And it's fun for me because I love making up shit. I love looking at the person and trying to figure out what's going on in their life and what I might think that's going on in their life. It'd be for me. The crowd work is for me. Like I'm doing the jokes for y'all.

The crowd work is for me because I like to meet new people. I like to talk about people. I like to make people laugh at themselves. I really love making people laugh at themselves because that is the best laugh ever because you'll laugh at that even when no one's around. You'll go, that shit was funny when she said about me.

God damn it. I'm going to use that myself. Like you'll use it yourself. Like there's nothing better than when people come back on my Instagram and be like, oh my God, I just got roasted by Leslie. Oh my God. I'm the so-and-so, so-and-so girl.

It's so fun. I love shit like that. I remember David Spade came into a comedy store and I was just on stage just going, just like from table to table, just going. And he was like, what the fuck? So the best way that I can describe how good

I got at crowd work was, I can't remember this girl, Simply Marvelous. I don't know if you ever, if you know Simply Marvelous, she was in a lot of black movies. I don't know Simply Marvelous. She was in one of the Friday movies

as John Witherspoon's wife. That's the only thing I can think of right now but she was a fucking, like she would go from table to table. She taught me a little bit, but J.B. Smoove gave me the best advice about crowd work. He says that, say the first thing that comes to your mind

because it's usually from God. Yeah. And I'm telling you, every time I've done that, it has destroyed the room. Like destroyed the room. You know, it's crazy that you said that because I've a long time ago noticed

if something pops into my head and I just say it, 99.9% of the time it goes well. If I stop myself and think a little more. You fuck it up. I fuck it up. You fuck it up. Let me tell you why.

Because you have two head, you have two people in your head, you have a joke writer, and then you have the performer. Yeah. Okay. The performer wants the performers to go right, but the joke writer wants you to tell the joke.

Always listen to the joke writer. The performer don't know what the fuck they're doing. The performer does what the joke writer does. It's just that. I have a third person in there, the pervert. Yeah. We all have that person.

We have the third person. Well, yeah, he's in there. This is a cry for help. He seems back and watch all the other shows. That's the pervert. I'm watching the other two in there. Oh, man. That's great when they argue.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I literally just did that the other day on stage. There's this line that I've been using. I like to use the real story. Yeah. Whenever I'm doing a joke, I like to tell the real story

because usually the real story is hella funny. But I thought of an alt to this line. So while I'm telling the joke, the joke writer and the performer is completely fighting in my head. Completely like, yo, say this line. Say this fucking line.

I'm telling you right now that she's going to kill. Then the performer is like, no, that's not what happened. The real thing that happened is actually funny. But it's like, no, fuck this. This is funny. This will make this joke. Just fucking do it.

You never listen to me. Listen to me now. And the joke writer won. I did the alt fucking kill. But then the performer standing on the side going, well, that's not the real story. So what's going to happen when I want to do the real story? Because that shit is funny too.

So what the fuck? The answer here is you're never completely happy. If you're going to work in comedy, I don't care how hard you kill, how well things go. You would never think you're funny. You will always leave feeling a little conflicted. A little it could have gone differently. You know what?

You are a very busy person. And I promised I would get you out of it because you have a lot going on. Yeah, we've been talking that long. But you know what? Yeah, we have. But this has been a delight. I love you.

You're fantastic. Thank you. You are welcome here anytime. If you ever want me to sneak by your apartment, your apartment. Wow. You know how he keeps offering himself to me? Your podcast.

You know, I do have a pool that's heated. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. No, your podcast. The fuckery. I want to make sure I get the word out on the fuckery. The fuckery, yes.

I could listen to you all day and I will. And I'm so glad that you're going to do this because this is such a great format for you. It's so good. It's perfect for you. And people are going to laugh, but they're also going to be improved by listening to you.

Yes, absolutely. It's so fun. It's the full, unfiltered version of me. Yeah. Well, I think that's always you. Yeah. Yeah, finally. Yeah, finally.

Finally unfiltered. Oh, shit. All right. You take care, Leslie. Thank you so much, Koder. It's been a while since we've done some voicemails. Do you guys want to stop bickering and stop playing slap ass?

I see what you're doing. Let's do some more. Can I just say, Sona tried to grab my water and read the label. I didn't like the intrusion, so I went to just give her a little bing with my pen, just a little swat. That's my pen.

No one likes a tattletale. Yeah. Snitches get stitches. Yeah, snitches get stitches, or they get lightly tapped with a pen. Okay, let's go. Okay, we're going to do a voicemail. We haven't done this in a while.

Let's do a voicemail. All right. Eduardo, hit it. Hi, Conan. My name's Arnold. I was wondering if it's possible to be intermittently funny. Sometimes I nail it, and I think about comedy and like to do it,

but other times it just falls flat. You know, I was also wondering last spring, Doug, myself, this little pauncher, got the tractor halfway stuck in. It's a good old 78 international home. Still not figuring out how to pull that out, but you get an idea. There's my number here.

All right, buggo. There's no way this is a real person. Is that real? That is not a real person. I think it's real. I think it's not a real person. Whoever you are, my hat's off to you.

Fantastic performance. No. Now, Conan, I'm wounded. What are you talking about? Now, buggo. Now that they're my 78 international. No. Well, what if it is? Now you've heard his feelings.

I know. No. Listen, first of all, no one's funny all the time. Well, that's not true. There are exceptions, but everyone's intermittently funny. Even the greats.

The greats are intermittently funny. No one's funny all the time. And sir, if this really is you and you are a real person, what do you say his name was? Arnold. Yeah. Not a real person.

I just don't buy it. Do you? I'm very gullible. I believe everything. I don't think it's a real person. No. You guys don't think so? So I listen to 700 voicemails

and I can tell. I feel like I have a good sense now of what's fake and what's not. I think Arnold's real. I agree. I think he's real. I've heard a lot of people try. I have heard a lot of voicemails

of people putting on an affect or whatever. And I feel like. It occurred to me that he might be fake, but ultimately when I listen, I think he's real. Can we start listening to it again? And then, Eduardo,

when I give you a signal, stop it so I can give different notes. Here we go. Hi, Conan. My name's Arnold. I was wondering if it's possible to be intermittently funny. Sometimes I nail it.

And I think about comedy and like to do it. But other times it just falls flat, you know. I was also wondering last spring, Doug, myself, this little paunchier, got the tractor halfway stuck in.

It's a good old 78 international home. That's the part that I think is fake. No. That's the part. I was in. I was okay with it. I was suspicious,

but in. But then he brings up, for no reason, he crams in this thing about, he says, I was thinking, and then he brings up, I got my tractor stuck,

the old 78 international, and digging myself a hole. Is that a real tractor? Yes. But I'm not buying that part. No, I believe it. I believe it. I believe it.

I think I like to think that there's a guy named Arnold somewhere who's wearing overalls and listening to this podcast, and he likes to think, he's funny, and he looks up to you as a comedy person.

Well, listen, I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, but I'm telling you, as a professional, I had a show, and one of the main, one of the main comedic staples of my show

was me being interrupted by kooky characters halfway through after the first guest. For years, thousands of them, and they sound like this guy. I understand your suspicion,

but, and I mean, I had a flag raised too, but ultimately, it still feels on the real side to me. Me too. I think he's real. How do we find out?

Can we find out? Can we call him? I guess we have his number. We have his number. We can call him. Can we call him? Yeah. Can we call him now,

or should we call him later? Let's call him now. Let's call him now. Okay. Oh, I'm nervous. I will also... He answers the phone. I say hello.

What do we do if he's here? Hello. Noted. Hello. You've called the home of Noted Voice and Character Actor, Charles Winstrup Charleston, Voice and Character Actor,

and Tractor Collector, an enthusiast, and Tractor Aficionado, Charles Charleston Charles. What's this? Oh, you're looking for... Oh, Arnold is it?

Well, hold on a second. Gargle, gargle, gargle. Wait, wait, wait. I'll also say, before we call him, this voicemail is like from like February, so he called a long time ago. He's probably still pinned under a tractor.

I don't know what to do if he's real. I'll fix it. Okay, so I don't want to say anything because I'm scared and nervous. I think there's a bunch of listeners out there who are on my side right now. I think so too. Because I think it's on the line.

I like to think he's real. I don't care what you like to think. Okay, here we go. What do you... I want to know the truth. I like to think that he's real. We're rolling. Here we go.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message. Listen, she'll tell us a lot. Seven, zero. Damn it. He might think that your spam call... He might think we're spam. So you got to call... What happens when people are calling from the Spam Corporation?

Like, it makes the... You know, it makes the food product spam and it shows up as spam. Sorry. Please answer. Come on, Arnold. Arnold, come on. Arnold, don't fuck us. If he sends it to voicemail and do it third time,

that means business. Please, fake Arnold. Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message. One more time. One more time? And then we leave a message. And then we leave a message. Seven.

I think if there's a third call, people will take it seriously. Otherwise, he's just unavailable. Yeah. You know, it goes straight to voicemail, right? Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message. Well, let's leave a message. At the tone, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you might hang out more. Press one for more options. Hello, Arnold. This is Conan O'Brien calling from the podcast Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I got your message. I have some questions for you. I hope you're well.

Don't worry about being intermittently funny. That's all of us. I just want to chat with you briefly about the old 78 International. I'm a bit of a tractor fan. So please call me back. Yes. Tell him he can text us that number.

You can text us to this number and we'll get in touch with you. Yes. Interested to have a little talk. Yes. You're a good guy. Over and out. Okay.

Well, we hope to have more on this in a later segment. That's all I can say. Yeah. I'm very... And listen, Arnold, I don't mean to impugn you in any way. It's just that when you started to go on about the harvester, I mean, the International 78...

Tractor. Tractor, I... It felt like you were... It felt to me like you were piling on a little bit. Like you were really trying to give it an extra dose of the good old country feller. And that's, to me, felt like maybe you're doing a voice. See, I thought he was a real person

who does want to be funny and works with tractors and thought, it might be funny if I name check something super specific. Yeah. But in what context does he bring up the tractor? Exactly. He's funny. He's going non-secretary.

He's going out of context. Okay. You are thinking about it way too much. I'm with Gourley. I think that he knows what he sounds like and he's like, I'm digging a pond and my tractor fell in it and that's really funny.

And I agree. It is really funny that the tractor fell in it. I find it... I think it's sad. A 78 international, that's a great old tractor and I'm sorry that his tractor fell in and got wet. I don't know anything about tractors.

Adam, you're with me, right? I'm not alone on this. If it's worth anything, I looked up his area code 707. It's a California area code. Oh. We're in California. We're in California.

If it's Central California, we're still in business. The 707 area code serves the cities of American Canyon, Arcada, Benicia, Oh, rural, agricultural, California. Yeah.

Tractorland USA. I still... So many puns. I don't know. Possibly, possibly. Well, that wasn't really a California rural accent. It wasn't a rural accent. That was like...

I know. That's the other thing. That is, first of all, he sounds like he's narrating an old Southern story. Doesn't he? Well, you know, puts me in mind of an old tale. I mean, he should be,

you know what I mean? He's Arnold. Call us and don't fake it. Tell us for real. Call back and let us know. Please, Arnold. Yes. Thank you, Arnold.

To be continued. Yeah. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov,

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Bekdon.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821, and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been A Team Coco Production in association with Year Wolf.