Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Leslie Jones Returns

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

Comedian Leslie Jones feels so conflicted about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.   Leslie sits down with Conan once more to discuss the qualities of her ideal man, aspiring to catch a serial killer, her friendship with Kenan Thompson, her new HGTV show Roast My Rental, and more.   For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hi, my name is Leslie Jones, and I feel so conflicted about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Can I just say? He's so needy. Just. Please be my friend. He's not, you know, he's not in my ministry, you know? Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, Climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. I am joined by Matt Goreley. Hi. Hello, Matt. Hi. And Sona is normally with us at this part. She's going to be here for the interview, but at the moment, she cannot join us.

She's in Hawaii. She's going to be back in time, though, for the interview. I know. She's only 10 minutes away. She's on a jet that will land any second. It's an American Airlines flight that will land in exactly about 15 minutes. But she's going to miss out on this part. But David is going to be joining us, David Hopping.

Hello? The assistant who replaced Sona. That's true. When we realized she really wasn't doing anything, you've done a terrific job, David. Hey, thank you. And I understand that you have a question for me. That's always nice to start with a question for you. So recently you watched your first episode of Love Island.

Yes, I did. And I thought it would be fun for you to share with everyone your thoughts on the show. That's fair enough. I had heard a lot about this Love Island. I know it's a big show. So I watched a Love Island and I was shocked and stunned, not by their beautiful bodies and not by the steamy, sensual situations, but by how little they do. They don't, I mean, if they were wearing, you know, Fitbits or if they were wearing Apple watches, I think each of them in a day would record. maybe four steps because they sit and hang around, right?

Yeah. And talk. They pull each other for chats. And then they say, I'm going to go, you know, talk to, you know, Brenda. And I'm going to take her to that. And she doesn't, they don't take her someplace. Interesting. They're on this, in this house.

Yeah. Right. And they say, we're going to take her over to the, you know, Kuku Cove, which is the name of a room. And it's spelled out in neon. And it's four feet that way. Are they not on an island? Do you ever get to see the water?

They're on an island. They could be in Westwood here in Los Angeles. I mean, it doesn't matter where they are. They could be in Cleveland. They could be anywhere because it's, okay, yeah, I understand that it's a nice climate, but they don't do anything. They don't go anywhere. And they're just always sitting and lounging. It's all they do.

All they can do is just talk to each other. And what are the names of the different nooks? Oh, my God. I'm blanking on off of them. Joe. Joe, jump in here because Joe. is sitting in for Eduardo. Soul ties.

Can I just say Eduardo's out because he said he was busy today and then I noticed that World Cup game, a big one, between Spain and France just played.

And I think maybe that's the cause of his sudden bout with diarrhea. Okay, so Joe. They're soul ties. Soul ties. There's the hideaway.

The hideaway. And these are rooms that are maybe six feet away from where they all sit. Yeah. And they get, one of them gets up and goes to the other and says, hey, come with me. And they say, okay. And then they go to soul ties or, what's it called?

You can't just go to the hideaway, though. What do you mean? You have to book it in advance? You got to know someone? Yeah, like if you're a successful couple, they'll put you in there. And it's a villa inside the villa. Oh, yeah. Oh, now we're talking about having sex there?

They can, yeah. They can. Yeah. But they're not married. and they're not presumably wanting children. That's the only reason to have sex. I'm sorry, I forgot. This is hosted by the Quaker religion this episode.

I just don't see that they're doing, they don't seem to, no one moves. And everyone's in great shape, so I know that they're working out furiously when they're not on camera, but for the show they don't do anything. They do like a challenge. Did you watch,

the whole season? They did, yeah. You just lounged yesterday. You launched leaning to the right. Today you're going to lounge leaning to the left. Yeah. No, they did this challenge a few nights ago where each couple had to like take different foods, like the guy would put ketchup in his mouth, then spit it into the girl's mouth,

then she would spit it into something else. I don't know. Like birds. Yeah. Or like frat boy hazing. What is this? Wow. But it shows that they love each other.

And this is a hugely successful thing, right? It's huge, yeah. When people become a couple at the end, does that happen? Do they stay couples? Has any relationship lasted? I think so. Like, Bergey from a few seasons ago is engaged. Bergey.

Yeah, who is also on the traders. I'm sure you are caught up on all things of Ireland and traders. I'll get to it. This is how Jill and Joe Biden met back in 1921. He took her to the hideaway and they banged and then 70 years went by. Incredible. Some of them stay together. And then at the end, the couple who wins gets to split $100,000.

How do they win? America votes on the Love Island app. But I'm an American. I don't vote. You need to vote. Is it true that more Americans vote for Love Island than vote for the president? I don't want to be sure. I would have met.

Oh, I just thought of something. And I hope it's not true. I'm going to say it's not true. It's easier. What's that? It's easier to vote for Love Island. Well, because you have the app. The current administration is going to change.

So to vote on Love Island, you need your birth certificate. You need special. So, yeah, that's the problem is I will not see Love Island voters disenfranchised. I will not see that happen. That's an American. Yeah. Can you vote more than once? Throughout the season, you get a chance to vote, but you can only do it once.

Like, you know, they'll be like, rate your least compatible couple tonight. And then tomorrow night, you rate your favorite couple. So you can vote once, like, per time. I think we're maybe one or two election cycles away from being this, this is the way we vote. You know what I mean? And this actually... If you want this person to be the president of the United States, you know... You got to watch them bang in the hideaway?

Yeah. And maybe that's as good a qualification as any. Who can say? Who can really say, wait a minute, thinking about it? No, not a good idea. David, you are so obsessed with these shows. They're your life. Yeah.

I think that you love them too. I just think that you won't admit it. What made you watch an episode? I was... I think you were talking... David made you watch an episode. David was talking me about it a lot. And this is the same thing that's happened with Sona.

Sona will talk up these shows. And like any cultural anthropologist, I feel it's my duty to understand what's happening in the United States. So I watched a Love Island. I think I watched one with my wife. And then I watched like half of one on my own. I think I was in New York.

And then I was, I'm not dissing anyone who likes it. It just wasn't for me. Sure. it's too lethargic. I just want people to go somewhere or do something. You like a below deck. My wife is crazy about below deck. I,

no, it's still not. It sounds to me like reality TV's getting a little lazy. Is that what you're saying? Yes. I think, you know, in the early days,

it was you're going to be on this island, you've got to survive, you've got to do this, or else you need to get to Belgium, and we're going to pair you with someone who hates Belgium and you guys are going to, and it's a lot of running around.

And I think I like frenetic action. Okay. When people are lying around, I mean, they just practically have like sailing bags to keep, you know, so they don't have to move. I don't know.

I get bummed out. Sounds very American. Well, sorry? Sorry, I brought it up. Yeah, yeah. Well, okay,

well, that's my damning indictment of Love Island, and I'm sure that's going to sway a lot of people. Love Island is different than love is blind. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Are the people on Love is blind blind blinded?

No. I've never actually watched that one, but I think of it's biblical to me. I know. I'm pretty sure they, like, sit in pods and they talk and just can't see what the other one looks like. That's all my wife is always watching when I come in the bedroom and she's breastfeeding. And I don't understand what's happening half the time. Joe, do you watch that one? But to be fair, you don't understand what lactation is.

I don't. I don't at all. Okay. I don't know love is blind at all. Which one is that? That's the Joe watches it. Joe, let's hear the report. So they just sit in these pod.

They can't see each other, but they talk for two weeks. And they're supposed to fall in love. They just go on like different dates. All they can do is hear the other person's voice. I understand. How do they go out on dates if they're in pods? It's kind of like Zoom without the video. What is this thing?

I know. It's like audio. I'm cracking something here. People want to watch reality shows with beautiful people as long as they're not moving. That seems to be the trend that I've discovered. I think they feel better about themselves when I see lethargic hot people. Right. They're like, I might not be hot, but I can get up and walk to the fridge.

And get a Coors Light. And I just threw that out there. That's probably not our... What's the beer we're pushing? The Lord of Light. Okay. Thank you. You know, I can get up and go and get the beer he said.

Wait, now you won't say it already? No, I didn't forget it already. I just thought like, why give them a free ride? Yeah, right. No, you know, the old Miller Light. Good beer. Anyway, I'm very worried. I think the problem in America's 250th year is that our reality shows have become more static.

That's funny. You don't worry about. you don't worry about reality shows being popular in general. You worry that the reality show format itself is dying on the vine. No, I'm just worried that they're not moving. Apparently, people are watching them like crazy, but people are sitting at home on a couch watching other people sitting there on a couch. And I think this is the death of the species. You just invented a great reality show where you watch people on the couch watching reality TV. Or else when the technology exists, you're watching people watch you. Oh my God.

If they could figure that out, that's a hit formula. I want to sit and watch people watch me. You do. I do. Just to see if they laugh. Yeah. And you know what? I did for 28 years on television.

I sat and watched people watch me. And you know what? It was an erotic ride. More on that later. Our guest today. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live. She now has a new HG TV show called Roast My Rental and is currently performing stand-up on her I'm hot tour. Tickets are available at justlesley.com. It's always a fun time when she stops by.

Thrilled she's here. Leslie Jones, welcome. Leslie, last time you're on the pod, he said, my name's Leslie Jones, and I couldn't give a shit if I was Conan's friend. Oh, it's heading in the right direction. And so I think we're going in the right direction. You know what? We're getting better. We're getting better. Now you're just conflicted. I'm conflicted because I don't know if I want a leprechaun as a friend. You burn really easy. I burn so easily. And my, like the sun literally stays over my house. So I can never invite you over.

You would die. I can't go visit anyone if the sun is in the sky over their house. I can only go to places where the sun doesn't exist. It's so funny. Yeah. That is just like you burn. Is it funny to you that I... You burn like bacon.

It's hysterical. Oh, me. Black people enjoy it so much. You're just laughing at me? Oh, God, we're like, they never can go outside. We're going to rule the world. Sona, back me up on this. If I'm outside for, you've been with me

when I've been outside in the sun for like maybe 15 minutes. Look at your face now. Even now you're looking. You literally look like you have on goggles. Yeah. It's immediate. What happens? I drove to work today.

in a car with no sunroof and I look like this. This is bad. The sun be fucking the shit out of you. I am sexually assaulted by the sun every day. There's some white people I see and I'll be like, the sun need to take you in the back

and strap you to him and just fuck you too. You can't see. When you, you need to start filing reports to the police. Yeah. I need to... I need a restraining order on the sun. You need a restraining order on the sun.

You need a restraining order on the sun. We need to keep the sun at least 500 yards away from me. Get an umbrella or something. Oh, umbrella. Get an umbrella, Jesus. No, I can't be the guy. Even Michael Jackson had a fucking umbrella, motherfucker. Jesus.

Oh, my God. He did have the umbrella. That's right. P. Diddy had an umbrella. He had a guy that held an umbrella over him. Yeah. So, you got, I mean, the umbrella is a way to go. Girlie, would you hold an umbrella over my head

If I would buy you one of those multicolored umbrella hats. That would make my life. I just want to see you walking down the street with a black umbrella. I'd be like, that's it. Yeah, yeah. So I can take a picture and send it to the Inquirer. A parasol. The Enquirer is going to put that right on the cover.

Conan Bryant shills himself from Sun. Yeah. Conan running from the Sun after sexual assault last week. We have a topple snoot of Kim Kardashian or Conan using Sun protection. connection. Kim Kardashian. No one cares about her, boobs. Conan and the sun. A quick question. Right up top. Right up top. Wait a man, hold on. One more joke. It's not like a raisin in the sun. It's like a cranberry. I'm going to do my own revival. Cranberry in the sun.

Written, directed, and funded by Conan O'Brien. It's got to be directed by me. directed? I was so direct that. I think you and I have a great chemistry. I think that we should get married. I'll do that. How long do you think we would last? Let's say, okay. Oh,

we would last a long time. You think so? Yes, because first of all, I wouldn't have sex with you. Wait, what? No. Yeah, you're the son's bitch. You're the son's bitch. Exactly. You belong to the sun, son, son, son. I don't want leftovers.

Wait a minute. So you'll marry me, but I don't have any marital pleasures. I mean, you can watch. Wait a minute. Let me get this cuck. It's such a cuck.

I'm a red-faced cranberry in the corner of the room while you and some other person are going at it. And then I'm going to stop it go look at the cranberry in the sun. Quit it. Quit it. Everybody's laughing.

Nobody puts it. Scramberry in the corner! Wait, wait, come on. This is terrible. This is a terrible turn of event. This is like the funnest part of my life when I get to fucking rib white people. Yeah.

And not just white people. Probably the whitest guy you've ever met. Ever. Right? In the history of white people. Yeah. Are you Irish? What are you?

I am 100% Irish. 100.00. Oh, yeah. I had that Irish man like that. black women, is that true? Yes. What's that about? I don't know. I had an Irish man tell me. He had in his full accent, I took you to the whole towel and I put my fist in your tics.

Wait a minute. And I was so insulted, but I was like, wait a minute. Put my fist. Put my fist in your tits. I know I don't sound. It's the Irish just want a box. It doesn't matter what's going on. I'll get those tithies. Get him real good. That's what he sounded like. What the fuck? And I was like, I almost

I almost fuck the Lucky Charms guy I almost did But I was just like It might get violent afterwards Yeah Yeah Oh man Tid fisting

Oh my god Yeah Titt fist titting No He said put his face in my tits Oh I thought you meant fist I heard fist I mean that would have turned me on too

But you know Um Okay Well maybe that would have been fun I don't know Yeah He was too short What's your ideal man?

Let's describe him. Oh, God, here we go with this bullshit. This is just that he doesn't exist. No? You like him tall, I guess. No, well, I described it once and somebody was like, oh, that's Jesus. You're in love with Jesus.

I wanted to be a carpenter. I like a guy that works with his hands. He's got to have a lot of friends. At least 12. At least 12. No, 11, because Judas is a bitch. But he's fun at a party Get a few drinks in him

He's talking shit about everyone Then he's talking Jesus And he's talking shit about Jesus He's hey I'm right here And he's imitated Jesus It's really really annoying Oh I'll turn water in wine Boring on water

I've fed fish and bread to everyone I don't You know I used to have so many ideas Of what my ideal man is And, yo, I know this is a crazy thing. Do y'all know Dylan O'Brien? Yeah. Okay, so damn, my assistant has my phone.

For the longest, okay, he was in this movie with Michael Keaton. It was a spy movie. Yep. Oh, my God, he was so fine because he had all the hair on his face. And I carried his picture on my phone and told everybody, like, he's my husband. Like, I had screenshot it a picture from the movie and put it and had it on my phone for the longest time, right? And I was like, you know, Brian, you know him? Tell him that I love him.

I love him. Then we ended up at a Knicks game together. And it's so funny because I had gotten over him. Yeah. You know? These things last about an hour with you. No. I mean, he was my pretend husband for like three years.

Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, I loved him. And then we was at the next game. First of all, he's shorter than me. And I was like, fuck. Never meet your heroes. Never meet him.

And he was like a dude. Like, he was like, yeah. I was like, wasn't working. So when he started Tys, I started telling him, he was like, yeah, I know about you. Everybody tells me that you have a picture of me.

And then I pulled the picture up and I was like, you need to tell me that this guy doesn't exist. And he was like, yeah, that guy does that exist. He was like, I think that's a way. Don't stay anything else. I love this man. But my ideal man

looks like a terrorist. He's just beard, Fluck, hairy That's me too Just like And lanky I love Lanky men Okay

Tall Just I would love him To be just a little bit But if he's my same height That's fine But if he's a little bit taller Than me That would be great

So I'm tall enough I'm just Everything else is not working Mm-hmm Okay Where's your fucking beard I don't even want to see A fucking beard on you do

I had one for a while It was very red You can work the beard I can work a beard Yeah I need to see that Are you having a picture? Can you pull that up?

Yeah, Your Toronto can pull it up. If I see it and I like it, are you still married? Yeah, I'm still married. All right. Can she fight? That could change at any moment. Could change it any moment.

It all depends on what you say. I'm just saying if we have an affair, it's over with y'all because you're not going to. Oh, there I am. Oh, no. Look at the, what is the hair? What the fuck is the pompadour shit? Well, well, you look like a. That's what I've been doing since you look.

Since I was a kid, I've had that hair. No. I'm sorry, I know. That hair. How about that? That looks good. Yeah, that looks good. That is hot.

No, no. Conan's the one on the right. Okay. Very funny. Never mind. It's a picture of me with a chimp. I thought it was a other guy. I thought it was a other guy.

No. You do look good there. You do look good there. I like that. And your beard kind of connects. Yeah. I think that I will, I'm going to grow the beard back. I don't think you can.

Because of my falling testosterone levels. No, because of the sun fucking the shit out of you. He didn't already. fuck the follicles out of you in. So the sun fucked me so hard that all my follicles fell out on my face. Is that what you're saying? Is that what we're saying here?

Do you know this is the first time where I feel like I might come to your defense? You're the same. Well, you're going to fight the sun? Oh, are you talking to me? You better sit down. You are so happy that this is all about me. I will get you too, motherfucker.

Listen, I can get the whole table. Don't follow. You know what? No, I'm with you, Leslie. You are a white male, but you know what? Compared to me, you look like Desi Ernest. You're like, you look Cuban compared to me. You know, yeah.

And his beard is hot. His glasses is hot. I'm trying to figure out if he's gay or not. Oh. Well, me too. Yeah. No, his wife calls us every day and says, what do you think? He's not gay.

Okay. I mean, what do you think? We reevaluate every afternoon. See, I would like to see a younger picture of you, too. I bet you was really cute when you were young. Oh, thank you. Because you're hot, you're a hot old man. There you go.

That's a very nice thing. Okay, now you're Zona. Nah, she's on my team. Yeah, I'm with there. I'm with you, Leslie. So you're with Leslie on everything. On everything. Oh, no.

Why did you shoot up that high school? That's just ruthless. Pulled up a young photo of a young girl. Is that all of him? Why are your glasses so big? What? Because it was in 1989. Because it was home in that piss.

No. What the fuck? Your whole face looks bigger than it is now. I had a face reduction. I'm sorry, Gorley. You're fired. You're fired just based on me seeing that photo. I resigned.

I actually like the one where he's holding a drink up, though. Do you still have those glasses? No. You'd have to give them back to the Car Winshield store. Exactly. Oh, my God. I did. You took them for the war effort.

You know what? I feel like you got your first set of money from getting them lottery tickets. The lottery numbers. I'm pretty. I'm pretty sure. This is the best episode ever. We're only like 10 minutes in and this is the best episode ever. You couldn't put them glasses on the table when the sun is out.

There's no table bringing up to hold both. This is why I chose the podcast. I'm safe from the sun. I'm in the dark. This is my favorite episode. This is your, like, you're safe here. I'm safe. This is a safe place for you.

This is like a vampire's coffin. I'm okay here. It really is. It really is. At one point growing up, you wanted to be a detective. Not a detective. I wanted to be a serial killer finder. Oh, someone who hunts to, okay.

No, my title is serial killer finder. So when I show up on the scene. Well, there's no improving on that name. Hey, I'm serial killer finder. Give me the clues. Yeah. Criminal justice was my minor. Yep.

And I loved all the classes. And I was like, oh, because you know, everybody in my family's in, you know, police or my on the drug enforcement age. This is around you and you're like, I want to be part of this. I'm going to, you know, and it was interesting. And I always solved all of the, all of the, you know, SVU cases.

I saw them wrong. And I was like, yeah, I can do this. Then we had to learn how to shoot a gun. And I didn't, I didn't like it. So I told them, it's okay. I can still do this. I don't have to have a gun. Columbo never carries a gun.

Right. And they were like, you're an idiot. Yeah. And Colombo does have a gun. Actually, I don't think Colombo has a gun He has a raincoat. Does he have a gun?

He had a little, like the little, what's that little black gun with that's a revolver? A little 38 special. He had a little 38 that he would pull out. I never saw it. I think so. And they was like,

he was a policeman. He had a gun, you're idiot. So then that's when everybody knew that I probably should go to be the comedian. It's the only next step. I don't think it could be a law enforcement. I have to be a comedian.

But it, I love. I love crime. I love solving it. Yeah. I love solving it. And I think I would be a really, like I talk to, well, her name is Mariska, but I call her Olivia. And she's always going to be Olivia to me.

And I'd be like Olivia, and she'd be like Mariska. And I'd be like Olivia, and she'd be like Mariska. I'm not going to call you that. Okay, what do you want? I want to be on the show. Briska Hargitay. Yeah, you want to be on the show. But I don't want to be a policeman.

I want to be a criminal because I know. how to think like a criminal. And I want to be... You should do that. Yeah, but I want to be like a really shitty person. Like, I laugh when they be like, you know, two women die because... Did they? They didn't do what I told them to do.

That's incredible. No, but what they... This is just a yes. I would say this would be a yes. Okay. Yep. Let's make that happen. Why not?

I don't think people think of me for stuff like that because they go, oh, she's a comedian. She does comedy. But I am totally into being dramatic. But I've always wanted to play a serial killer. Did you know serial killers have like the so-and-so killer? What would be your like method? You want to know? Yeah.

Oh my God. Seriously, I wrote a whole thing about it. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, so, so like, I'm so traumatized about men, but I think I always have had this hero type thing where I've always wanted to be a hero and save people and stuff. So the twisted mind of me, you know, I'm pretty sure, okay, the way that I wrote

the story, I go to jail and whatever. Anyway, the way that I would do it is, I would find, like, men who are mistreating their women, and then I would kidnap them. And then, you know, because no one gives a fuck about them. Right. That's why they're being such pieces of shit. And I would kidnap them, and I would keep them in this room that's soundproof. And I would just torture them.

And until they beg me to kill them. So then when they say, just kill me, I'll be like, he's asking. It's a mercy kill. So I have to help him. And you're the mercy killer? And I fucking kill that motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah.

But I beat his ass. Like he beats his women. I beat his ass. Like, I make him pee on this, all this shit. Yeah. Until he gets to the point where he's like, I'm sorry. Just kill me. And then I'd be like, I've been waiting for you to say that.

Yeah. Wow. What was that at the end? Did you whip him with a cat? What was that? That was. Is it a sword? That was the knife

And then it was the sound effect Of the music that plays Oh, okay I thought you were If it finally came down to it You grabbed a cat by the tail No The cat ain't got shit to do with him

Cats creeping around I don't know He's my partner The He's got one chore to do Which is be handy When it's time to kill the guy He lets me know

When the police is coming So, okay, you've just pitched this right now. Now, I am willing to direct this. Really? I'm willing to, yeah, I'd be willing to direct it and also help write it. You know, I was a writer back in the day and maybe participate in the profits a little bit. But I would be happy to throw my... You know what I want you to be?

What? The sheriff. Okay. And I don't just, I don't approve of your methods. No, you're trying to catch me. I'm trying to catch you, yeah. Yeah, but you date. Okay.

And I'm like, oh, I want to get my fists in those titties. I'm the Irish sheriff. You have to have the Irish accent. Yeah. There's no way I'll do this movie without you down. So what's, uh, what's, uh, what's happened to that fella who was abusing the lady? Yeah. Has you been gone missing?

Yeah. So you're doing the case and that's how I'm involving myself in the case. I started dating you. Yeah. And you're like, you know, all these missing people and stuff. Oh, wow. Do they have any clues? Yeah.

And then what do you say? I say, oh, no, they've got a couple of clues. But not much. Not much that leads anybody in particular. No, I don't think so. And by the way, it's okay if we move into the shade? It's a little hot right now where we are. Yes, my little cranberry.

Thank you. By the way, sorry, I took a swing at your tities last night. It's okay. It's such an erotic thrill for an Irishman to put on his little boxing gloves and go after the boobies. But check this out. So then you catch me. Right. I catch you.

No, you catch me. Well, you kind of. accidentally catch me. Right, right. I walk in. No, you don't walk in. You leave the house. Right.

And then you hear something and you go around or you catch me dragging. You don't catch me. You see it happen. I see it happening. I see it happening. I'm watching through the bushes and I see you dragging the guy's body. And then you try to confront me and then I take your ass. Okay.

But I don't torture you. I make you watch me torture. And then I explain to you like why I'm doing this. I confront you and I go, no, I just saw you. That's terrible what you did. It's terrible. Oh, what a pity. It's a shame.

I loved you, so, and we've got a fantastic sex life. Oh, what a pity. Jesus. But now I've got to be taking you in. So how do you overpower? Do you overpower him? Do you take his gun? He's going to take you in.

I've got to take you in. It's a real hard to overpower you. It's a real hard to overpower you. I got to put you in the old party wagon. What's the opposite of an Emmy nomination? I put an infrared light on you and blind you. Ah, me, papers!

They're so sensitive to light! I can't see! And then you drag me and then you... I figure out that you know. Yep. So, you know, you're kicking it with me one night and I drug you and then... Oh, I'm feeling sleepy.

Oh, I'm in the arms of Morpheus. Oh, here I go. Green hearts, yellow. Clovers. So, Yellow moons. That's how he's, when I snore, little colored marshmallows come out of my mouth.

Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, ha, great heart yellow, colors.

Ah, you two and bottom on the edge. I just job, so anyway, and then that's, I love this. This is a show. I make you watch,

and I explain to you really logically what my, and you're like, you're fucking psychopath. Yeah, but maybe I'm turned on. by it. No, you're trying to talk me off the, you're like, Leslie, not Leslie, but who or whatever the character's name is,

you're not talking reasonably, you're losing your mind, you know, because something happened to me when I was younger. You know, like I wouldn't, my father, the story that I wrote is that my father was very abusive and my mother ended up committing suicide because of the abuse. And then I was trying to protect my sister

one day because he went after her and we're fighting and she falls down the stairs and I think that he kills her so I kill him. They put me in an institution. And then the girl that fell us down the stairs, she didn't die. She just got paralyzed. She ends up turning the big house into like a nursery, like a greenery nursery.

And then, you know, she's visiting me in jail and stuff. And then I get out of jail. She tells me, you know, I can't go downstairs because of my wheelchair. You can have the whole basement. And then I go to a, but she tells me to get out one night and I go to a bar and I see this guy beating on this girl. And I just meet him in the bathroom. What's the name of the show?

It's not a show. It's a movie. A movie. What's the name of it? Sisters. Okay. Leslie. You let me down the primrose path.

We need to workshop that, I think. Sister, sister. Are you Tia and Tamara? Is there a character named Roger? That's. Jack A. Come in and every. So Jack A.

in this? Well, now we've got to go get Jack A. This is going to cost money. People are going to come cheap. Okay. Oh, my God. I love laughing like that, man. You just ruined our lives.

Oh, my God. We can workshop that title. I don't know. I don't know what to do with you, Leslie. I so admire you. Conan, what would you say if you said, I, Conan O'Brien, and then that blank thing with friends with Leslie Jones.

I feel like I won the lottery that I'm friends with that. That's what I would say. You are so freaking funny. Thank you. We always have a blast. We always have a good time. I get it. You want to kick the shit out of me.

Most people do, but it's great chemistry. I don't want to kick this shit out of you. I just want to put you verbally. Yeah. And I feel bad about that. That's no case. Every time, for the longest, I was like, Conan hates me. Because every time he sees me, I give him such shit.

and he'd just be standing there like, what the fuck are you doing? No, no, I don't say, that's not true. I always love it. I always love it. I'm like, yeah, bitch, he's like, she's so mean. Why would I have you here to Conan O'Brien needs a friend and have sit across from you and invite it? I got my publicist. I got my publicist to call him.

I was like, please call him. Do you know, Conan, can you please text him and call him to them that I don't? Because you were hosting the Oscars or something, which I thought you did so good. I actually thought you really did. good. And I was like, can you tell him that I don't hate him? But I always, I mean, I never took it that way. I always, most

of the way that I enjoy people is them telling me I'm a ridiculous cartoon character that somehow came to life. I enjoy that. But you're funny too, though. Oh, I know. I want to go tell Messi, he's a pretty good

soccer player. I mean, I'm sorry. Who's Messi? Lionel Messi, the Argentinian Oh, well, why you say he? Because I... He's making a ridiculous comparison. I'm not, no, no, no, not at all. Not at all.

I am the World Cup winner of the chuckle getters. The chuckle getters? Yeah, that's the crowd tradition I'm in, the chuckle getters. I'm not a comedian. What is happening right now? Are you having a stroke? I'm having a stroke. Is this what happens?

Y'all just entertain this bullshit? You are fucking delusional, buddy Not at all. Thank you. Not at all. Oh, God. Oh, my God. You is a fool.

I'm a fool. I'm just made of 100%. You create laughter. I'm made of 100% foolishness. You really are. What's about Kenan Thompson for a second? Oh, my baby. That's my heart.

Because you, I love Keenan, and he's been on that show, I think, since 1935. I think he joined when FDR was in his first term. And he's still there. But I've always thought, what is it about this guy? He's really funny, but he also feels like he's the glue. And then I was reading, you said somewhere, you think if Keenan leaves, the whole thing is going to go apart. Because he's like, and I thought, yeah, I think you're right.

Well, I mean, you know, S&L is an institution. They will always go on. I just don't think it would be the same, I think, without Keenan. But we thought that about Seth Myers, too. And we thought that about Jimmy Fallon. And we thought that about a lot of people that came. But Keenan is just like, first of all, let me just say, Keenan, when my brother passed away, me and my brother didn't have the best relationship.

But when I met Keenan, Keenan literally automatically became my brother. Like, he became the nicest version of what my brother was. Like, my brother could be what Keenan was, if that made any sense. And he is just truly himself. and very, what do you call it when someone comes around and just automatically gets respect? I don't know, like he's just very respectful.

Yeah. So when people, when he comes around, it's like, you know, he's just, you know, the word I think of with him is it's like he's grounding somehow. Like he's very, he's very comfortable being himself. You know, it's a waste of time to say he's funny because that's a given. He's really funny, but he's always, he's like a quiet grounding presence. Oh, my God.

You would not believe how many times Keenan has had to ground me. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he would be laughing at me because I would be so frustrated. I can't understand that. And Kenan would just be like, man, I don't know why you let that bother you. Yeah. That don't got nothing to do with you. Just come to work.

Come to work. Do your work. Leave work. Yeah. And he just knows how to put everything in the place. And that's another thing, too. And this isn't a diss on SNL, but it isn't always the healthiest place. It's not.

It really isn't. You have to be a samurai mentally awesome. Yeah, and it does a number. And I've seen very, I don't, Keenan's one of the few people I've seen be at that show for a long time, always have a positive impact. And not an effective. Always be a star player. But you get the sense that it's not taking something away from him. It's not.

And that's the thing. He knows how to put it in its place. Never let it get out of the place that it was. He would just, he was like, you're so frustrated for nothing. This is a job. Leave this job. Come back to this job. He was like, anything, leave that shit here.

He was like, these people going to do what they want to do. Just be you. Be you. Care about you. And I didn't get it until I got ready to leave, you know. But yeah, he's incredible, an incredible human. Yeah. Incredible father.

He loves his kids. Great father. Great man. It's funny because you're in that same category for me of someone who always knows you always know exactly who you are. Well, that took a lot though, Conan. You know, I mean, thank God they got me at 47. Yeah. I'm so glad they didn't get me in my 20s and my 30s.

Isn't that true? It's so funny because I can't think of you as being other than how I've known you. Right. And you. Oh, I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you.

And in my 20s and 30s, I would have fucked you. I wouldn't care if you had a girlfriend, whatever. I'd have been like, let's go hook up. So where were you then? How come we didn't... Where were you living and... How are they doing on that time machine technology? Because you definitely would have got some pussy from Leslie.

No. You're short-circuiting. No. Why is it really weird? It feels like he's disappearing. Like he's fading back into... Just thinking about that time machine technology. Yeah, I was the meanest thing someone kids.

I was wrong. I ought to fuck you back then. Wait, when? Where were you? How would I have located you? You're married. Your wife would hate me. Well, she might say take him.

She might be like, can you take him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was wild. I was wild. Okay. I was wild. I was still doing comedy and stuff. Were you happy? Oh, yeah.

That's a good description. In and out. You know, in and out. I was living my life and I was learning how to be a person, how to even think of myself as a human. Right. People don't understand it. That's a real thing. When you're in your 20s and stuff, you don't even see yourself as a grown-up because you're coming out of living with your parents or whatever.

So you got to start learning how to be. who you are and your body and what you like, what you like to eat, what you'd like to do for fun. And I have fun. I have fun. I had my crushes. I had my horror phase. I had it all.

I try to, I try to. I just like that. You get a real happy thinking about it. No, because it's like when I am on my death bed, I'm going to be able to go, I'm so glad I fucked that dude. Yeah. And then you wake up. 10 minutes later.

Yeah, and then I'll be like, oh, fuck, that's your fuck Conan. God damn it. God damn it. I'll be your cranberry. I'm the one that got away. I'm the one that got away. Okay, so, it's funny. Sorry, so sexual.

No, no, but you, and I'm bringing out of people. But we have. I really do. I really do. You put it back in. You really do. You really do. I go into people and.

eradicate it. That's so funny. But like I said, I had to learn that shit. And, and, man, I'm so glad that I took the journey I took because it made me not only a better person. It makes me a better comic. Yep. You know, and I tell everybody this all the time, please just go through the fire. Yeah. Don't avoid the fire. Don't put the fire out. Just go through it. You become such a warrior. It just live your life. Go through that bad shit. Don't avoid it. Be, be like, Like, be your own best friend. You know what I'm saying? Not a fucking asshole.

Like, if you knew an asshole, you would tell them they were an asshole. If you're being an asshole, tell yourself you're being an asshole. It's okay. You go to sleep with yourself. You wake up with yourself. You better start fucking liking yourself. And once you do that, I swear you become this person that emulates joy instead of pain. You really want to go out and like every since I've done.

what I've done to get to where I am. Every time I see people, if they're down, I'm like, I'm always like, come on, come through this, come on. You're so, everyone, this is a problem, too. If everyone would stop thinking that they're a normal person, that they're just like the run of the mill, that could stop so many problems. You're not.

You're a specific piece of art that was made by God. No one's like you, no one's like you. No one's like no one in this room. You are the only person that's you. And it's a damn shame that you have put yourself in a closet instead of making the gallery to show that art that God has made. And you down here trying to be somebody else. Like, that's not your mission.

Your mission is to be you because whatever it's in you that's been put in you is supposed to help the equation of this community. And that's what we forgot, community. Everybody is here for each other. Your magic makes my magic. My magic makes your magic. Everybody has magic and we're supposed to do it together. And it's a damn shame you're not doing it.

that because it's so much self-hate. And I'm going to tell everybody right now, the way to beat what's going on right now, all this hate is very proven. The only way it's going to be beaten is by love. Love can only be hate. Hate can only kill itself. Love multiplies. I'm telling you right now, you're going to have to go into yourself, just go into yourself, find that negative and positive button and just click it on because only you can do it. And it's not the easiest thing because once you click it on, you're going to be tested. But go through the test. go through it. Be who you are. That's okay. You're special. That's, well, do we have an applause button? That's insane. No, but what I'm saying, hold on, hold on. What you're, that was beautiful and perfect.

One of the things that really resonates with me that I want younger people to know is exactly what you said. I believe everything that you're talking about. I wouldn't have understood it in my 20s. Me neither. I don't think I would have understood at my 30s. When I look at my 30s, when I look at my life, you know, we are a culture that really puts youth on a pedestal, which is fine. But at my age, I'm happier now than I used to be because I've just been through a lot of shit and I really have that perspective now. Yes. And when things are happening now, I tend to look around and go, huh, well, this is interesting.

And it's having a joy during the chaos. You've got to keep a constant joy and you've got to stay. seek joy. You can't wait for it to come to you. You got to seek it and want it and hold it. And it makes you, like you said, the chaos can be going on and you'll be like, this is crazy. Yeah. This is crazy. Like I didn't gotten to the point of my life where when things happened, I'd be like, all right. So what do we do this? Like we can do this. But I'm not at the point where, oh my God, my life. I auditioned for last comic standing. And they didn't pick me. Conan, for three days, I was in my bed crying.

Yeah. Could not understand I can't get past that. And now I look back at that and go, God damn it, you wasted three days of sunshine and wonderfulness over that. But, you know, hindsight, at that age, hindsight 2020. I used to, and I've talked to many people about this, and I've mentioned it a lot, but I used to, I've given speeches about this, but I used to hit these obstacles and I'd be told no. And I would think that's it. it's over. And I look at that guy now and I think you were 27. What are you talking about? Your brain had just developed at 25 so you're actually just two years old. Yeah. Honestly.

But there are times where I'm here in L.A. and I'm young person's talking to me and they'll say, yeah, I'm 26. And they say it like, I missed my shot. And I'm like, well, yeah, maybe if you want to be in the Olympics and you haven't started that sport yet, maybe that's a tall hill to climb. But no, you're just getting started. It's not over until you're dead. That's what I tell people. You know what I'm saying? And you look at these young people and you want to just go, but they have to learn. They have to learn their way.

But what I was saying, the hope right now, you know, we had a lot more hope, I think, in our generation. Yeah. The hope now is just because everything is just so played out. All the rules are being broken. What do they call it? balances and checks and balances. It's just fucking... Well, also just civility.

It's just so awful now. And I don't know if we went through a stage of children started raising children. You know what I mean? And, you know, I just... I think the internet is a piece of this. Shit. I really do think... Piece of shit.

I really do think the internet is very much. It's not all of it. But we were suddenly handed this, I mean, in the entire history, of humans that's been, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years. And then literally three seconds ago, we were handed this thing that tells us what everyone's thinking all the time. And that, and that we should pay attention to it and like it so we can make sure that they feel validated. It's dopamine. It's the worst drug that's ever been put out online. Yeah. And again, it's available to everybody. Yeah. And again, it pushes you got to be

famous to be anyone. And that's not true. That's not true. I think the two most important people in the world are the garbage men and teachers. That's what I think. I've always thought that. Who's going to take care of the garbage? But the garbage men, they are fucking very important. Let them not be show up to work. We fucked teachers. Everybody in here had to have a teacher at some point in their life. Even if you didn't go to school, at some point you had a teacher. Presidents have teachers. How are they not the highest pay? What are we striving for in this country, but to try to be better than what we always was?

That's what the generations are, right? We want the generation to be better. And we advance in, but we're advancing in, like Jay Cole said, congratulations, you came a long way, but I'm so sorry, you went the wrong way. You know what I'm saying? It's like we have, we've over saturated. we don't have no balance. We're either all the way over here or we're all the way over here.

And until we learn that balance is what life is, we're going to be some miserable motherfuckers. People always go, oh, well, you know, why does this happen to me? And why is it? It rains on the just as it does the unjust. You do not, Mr. Rain, just because you're special. You got to go through sadness to know what happiness is. You don't know what success is until you're not successful.

You just, you won't know the fucking difference. You got to have some reference and stop thinking of mistakes as mistakes. Think of them as levels. Start playing a video game with your life. Ooh, I beat that level. Because I promise you're not going to get off that level until you beat that level.

And it's like appreciation as the way, like you said, the internet has been, listen, you should be happy you have a ragged ass car. You should be happy you have a one bit, a studio. You could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You're blessed. You can get up and get a glass of water out of your kitchen. It doesn't matter if your kitchen is right there, but you could do it.

You can warm up your food. You got a car. You got a car. If you don't appreciate what you got right now, what makes you think that you should be blessed with more? That's just like a parent. If you had a kid and you gave a kid a toy and they threw the toy to the side and said, I want another toy, you're going to be like, excuse me, go play with the toy I just gave you. Why would I give you something else when you just told me that that toy would be? shit. I'm telling everybody it's it's all the obvious things that you're thinking is what is

supposed to happen. We have lost our way. We've lost our way as just trying to evolve. The change is, we're so scared. Everything is happening right now because someone decided back in the day that we wasn't going to change. These was going to be the rules. This is how. And Trump is a piece of shit, but Trump did come in here and show us that I shit ain't as tight as we thought. Yeah. He literally is going, he's telling everybody, they're not going to do anything. They're just going to bitch. That's all they're going to do.

And the Democrats are showing up to a gunfight with a piece of cake. And the old Democrats should know to just go away. Just sit down and let the more progressive and aggressive Democrats step up and fight. this fight the way that they're fighting it. Gavin Newson, to me, was great the way he was responding. Everybody should respond like that. We're scared of someone, and I don't know why we're scared of them. We're looking at the most obvious problem, and it's showing that us as a community have been beaten to submission and forgotten that we are the people. We're the people. We're the people. Are we going to watch this crumble down, or are we going to do something? And as comedians,

we're part of that too. When I go out, I try to make people laugh like a motherfucker because you need an hour of relief, child. That's what our job is. Our job is to take you away from your problems for a little while and maybe laugh at them too.

Because you leave there going, you know what, that shit ain't so bad. You know, that person that was on stage just told me that she's going through what I'm going through to. Like, community, get out, touch some grass, get the, turn your fucking TV on.

I'm not touching grass. Like, no, but yeah, I'm not going to touch. You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't touch grass. You should. You know what? I was with you the whole way.

You shouldn't touch grass. Not you. You would literally turn into a wilt. Yeah. Let me mention this because it's important. I'm in here preaching. That was good. That was fantastic.

That was healing. It's not. Edwardo, I think you've changed Edwardo's life. Thousand percent. You know, people want me to be president, but I'm too hard. Just like Ted dancing to ask me, he was like, yeah, but I'm going to, Implement. I'm going to implement. Implement. See, I can't even say implement. I'm worse than Trump.

But I am going to implement volcanoes. Do you want volcanoes? Oh, we should definitely start throwing people in a volcano. Oh, that's what you meant. Like sacrifices? I'm not going to activate them. What are we sacrificing for it? I don't know that's what people do. No, throw their ass in a volcano. Fuck this deaf's in the shit.

Throw their ass in the volcano. So throw a couple of these motherfuckers in a Volcanoes see if people start showing what we got them for. What we didn't? What we have volcanoes for? Yeah, why did we get those volcanoes? No, what are they for? Seriously, what are they for? Well, I think they're there because pressure within the earth, hot gases, needs to be expelled.

Because of the magma, the liquid core. Of course, plate tectonics probably plays a part in it. Sure, sure, right. So for all those reasons, I don't think that we have to throw people into volcanoes. I think that we do. I think that we do. This is the debate of our times. I think that we do.

I think that we do. I think that we, it's so much cheaper than the deaf sentence. It's true. They are existing already. And I'm just saying we get one helicopter, get one of them, them little things and strap them to that. And then fly out of the, pooh. Oh, you drop them like bombs. Just pooh, yeah.

Like, pooh, and televise that shit. And let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Since we are throwing them in a volcano, it's going to. bless us. Okay, I think you said a lot of really beautiful, inspiring things. But you ended on your strongest point yet, which is we need to start throwing people into volcano. The return of civility. Yeah. Okay, no. Yeah, we got to bring. Okay, no. Yeah. If you look at a, if you look at a timeline, it's like kindness, civility, we're in this together, volcano.

Hey, I'm in to mention this. You have a new, HG TV show called Roast My Rental Where you, and this is Really appealing to one of your strengths, which is you can tear someone apart, I know from first-hand experience, you go into these properties, right? And you look at these properties

that are not always the best. And I say exactly what I said. It's stank in here. Stank. Why do you have? There was a dude that had a picture of himself at the end of the bed. Nobody wants to see you.

You've been to my house? What the? Why do you have a picture? That's not a picture. That's a poster. No, but I'm saying it's in the vacation rental. I don't want to wake up to the motherfucker that man. He had a picture of his family.

And I lost my shit, Conan. I had to apologize to him because he was like, oh, that's my family. I said, man, I don't know why to give a fuck about your family. Oh, my God. That's so great. So this is you going through. This is you going through and laying waste, telling them exactly what they have to do. do to improve their rental property.

And then I bring in my designer Jasmine Roth and she renovates it. She makes it nice. Yes. And we have done some crazy properties. You would not believe the delusion that people have. I would, I think. Y'all, we did a spaceship. We did a spaceship in Joshua Tree.

So someone had a place that was. It was spaceship. A spaceship. Let me see if I'm getting this right. In the desert. A spaceship in the desert. In the desert. homie, when snakes and spiders is,

homie, like, and for real, when we were driving in there, I ain't seen no people. So I was like, oh, vampires, immediately. Yeah. Immediately vampires. And then he drove up. So I'm fussing. I'm like, this is crazy.

Only white people do this. Only white people buy. Matt and I are like high-fiving each other under the table. Oh, only white people do that. And then a black guy drives up. He gets out the truck. I said, brother, what the? How are you going to?

buy a space. And then the white girl got out and I was like, oh, and everybody fell out. Everybody fell out. It was so funny. Well, this sounds great. But that wasn't even the worst property we did. So. All right. You've done 11 was, it's an 11th. It's a 12 episode season since you're 11. I don't know what's going on. Maybe you got maybe just trying to tell me something. Shit. But this sounds great. This sounds really great. It's so awesome. I had a horribly embarrassing. This made me think of a horribly embarrassing moment the other day, but we met some people and I were chatting with them and they were talking about, you know, oh yeah, we'd love to see your house.

And I said, well, it's come on in because I'm always that way. I always invite people in. So I invited these people in who I don't really know that well. And I was showing around the house. And what I forgot is that my wife, for my birthday, there was, when I was doing the Oscars, someone took a really good black and white photograph of me holding the Oscar. And my wife just for fun, got me a copy of that picture. And she put like a cheap frame around it, like as sort of a joke. And she leaned it again. And she had given it to me.

And I went, oh, that's so nice. And I just leaned it against the wall. It was just a quick nothing. And we, and these people walk through and there's this picture of me. And I'm like, they just think I'm the biggest asshole in the world. My wife was laughing. But they just thought, I was insane. And I just thought of that when you said, who has a picture of themselves?

Oh, I thought, oh, fuck. I got so many pictures of myself. If I go through your house, you're going to have pictures of you. You know what? And I wasn't a picture person. When I got to SNL, I just became a picture person. I was so good at it, too. I got so many selfies and pictures with people.

And so when you come in, I have a billion pictures. I love pictures. You always say yes to pictures, right? Yes. Okay, I do too. Do you realize that we've each taken pictures with murderers and maybe mass murderers? because I think of the, I always say yes to selfies.

I never really know who the person is. No, no, I don't know who they are. I don't know who they are. I'm just saying you know that you have a selfie with a murderer. Do you mean just statistically? Statistically. Like it's likely. Statistically, you've someone said, oh, I love you and you put your arm around.

How will we find out? I don't think we do. Well, sometimes, if you show me the picture, I can tell you. Like, that's a murderer. Oh, my God. I'm telling you, statistically you have. You've taken a picture with a murderer. Yeah, because I've been.

been to some, some, I've been in Texas, so yeah. Well, it's a law there, you have to murder. Well, this show sounds fantastic. You are an absa-fucking delight. You just really are.

You just, you so much. That was in a long time episode. That should was, no, no, but you know, it's stupid. I think, I don't think we got anything because we were laughing most of the time. Well, yeah, until you said some really beautiful, profound things. Then we got into volcanoes. But that might be my favorite. I think we should think about that. I think that y'all should go home.

My favorite was when you said, why do we have these volcanoes? If not to throw people into them. That's what I'm saying. They didn't, listen, they didn't. We didn't build these things. What I'm saying, they didn't did all the other stuff is supposed to do. It's like hot lava waiting to be used. You're right. You're right. It is. They ain't making buildings out of it. Yeah. And not making nothing else out of it. Why we got hot lava around here and we ain't throwing some people on here. I am joining this campaign. I am joining this campaign. We have these volcanoes. They should be put to use. We should start. Do you know how awesome?

Do you know how great that everyone would start acting? You're right. People would go to therapy. Everybody will be like, I do not want to die in a volcano. I know that I'd be thrown in very quickly. But maybe that's for the good of the earth.

Maybe. Conan, you wouldn't make it to the top, dude. Just the heat emulsivating from the end. You get within. You would disconnect. Yeah. You get within like the volcano. 25 miles away.

We're almost there. You look back and you just smell, I smell ham cooking. You look down, there's just a skeleton with a red pompadour. No, it's more like corn beef. Yeah, corn beef.

All right. Yeah. Leslie Jones, go with God, go in peace. Please come back soon and make fun of me. Anytime you like, have a pork as a lepricon.

Make fun of him. It's for the good of all. I can imagine that voice. I would make you do that voice if he had sex. Oh, what? All right, I'm coming in. Here I am coming. I would.

I would want her to be like, how do you want it, baby? Oh, how would you like it? I'm, here I come. I'm on my way. Okay, sorry, having a little trouble. Give me a second. I would be dying. Where is me?

Where's me, bloop? What's the opposite of pornography? Yeah. Where's me blue here? Oh, I'm getting distracted. Oh, now I'm on the computer. Oh, I'm coming back. It's pure birth control.

Oh, it's birth control. I know. Oh, my God. This is the least, you know, the least sensual podcast of all the time. I will record it and then sell it to TMZ. Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be the best thing ever.

You're like, well, we're good. We're okay. Leslie, thank you so much. Thank you. This is so fun. You come, just make fun of me any time. And when you see me, just kick the shit out of me. No, I can't.

Now I have to be nice to you. Whenever I see you now, I'm going to just be nice to you, and it's going to piss you off every time. I'm going to hate that. You're going to be like, ugh, what is this? Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goorley. Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847. and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM

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