Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Let Him Do His Bits

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

Conan chats with Tara in Bangkok about working as a university lecturer and how Conan helped her find love.

Hi, Tara, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hello, hi. Hi, Conan. Hi, Sona. Hi, Matt. Hi. Hi, Tara. Is it Tara or Tara?

Yes. Um, well, you can do it either way, but I say Tara. Tara, well, I want to get this right. Hello, Tara. It's very nice to see you and, oh, where are you in the world right now? I am calling from just outside of Bangkok right now, Thailand. Oh, you're in Bangkok, Thailand. Wow, this is incredible.

Uh, well, first of all, tell us a little bit about yourself. Describe who is this Tara from just outside Bangkok, Thailand? Uh, I am a part-time university lecturer. So I'm teaching at the, the school I went to for my BA, and I'm also a freelance translator. So I take on odd jobs whenever I can get them as well. Very good. And what's the subject that you teach? Uh, I teach two subjects, so English and translation.

Okay. Very good. And you lecture? I do. I'm in charge of like one group of, say, 25 students for the whole term. So yeah, they're, they're with me for the whole term, and I lecture them, give them exercises, mark their papers, so on and so forth. Here's what I've always thought in the years that I was being instructed.

I always thought someone either is good at that or they're not. Being able to stand up in front of people and give a lecture. Have you found that you have that ability and that you like it? Do you enjoy it? Um, I do enjoy it. Do I have the ability that's up for debate, maybe? Well, I think you do. I'm going to say I think you do.

I think you're, I have great confidence in you already, and I'm sure that you do. And what's it like? Do you have to, what's the earliest you have to start with your students? Because I used to notice the hardest thing was going to a lecture early in the morning. That's the hardest thing. Oh gosh. Um, my earliest class starts at 8 a.m. on a Monday. Oh, no one goes to that class.

I bet no one shows up. Everybody shows up, but nobody wants to be there, including me. That's the way to win them over, Tara. Yes. Um, so what do you do? How do you get them going at eight o'clock in the morning? Um, well, this term, because I'm teaching translation, there's not really much that you can do.

You just sort of have to power through it. But you know, last term when I was teaching English, I would try to like maybe get them a bit hyped up with small games or exercises at the beginning, but, but everybody knows that it's just, it's just something you have to accept sort of. Have you ever tried magic, magic tricks? I just think if you could learn a few magic tricks and if they were the kind that used some, you know, those little explosive powdery things that go kaboom, kaboom, you know, that, that might get people going.

Maybe, maybe, and I'll go in and be like the prestige or something. Yes. Exactly. I'm, I'm telling you, if you go in with a little showmanship, now you've stepped into my area of expertise. You need to put on a show for a crowd. You need to amp up the energy. You need to bring in props if necessary.

You need to use. Yes. Oh, yes. Like what kind of props? Well, first of all, to have a live tiger there on a leash is not a bad idea. And second of all, you've got to wear dramatic clothing, Elvis Presley, when he, when he went from doing movies to Vegas in the late sixties, went for a rhinestone studded jumpsuit. That can help too.

Things that grab the attention. What do you think, Tara? I think I'd better check with the university regarding, you know, live animals on campus, but you know, I am definitely noting all of this down. All right. I'm going to give you what there's a famous expression here in the United States, better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission. So just go ahead and do it.

And then if something goes wrong and somebody gets mauled while they're trying to learn about English literature translation, you say, oh, I'm so sorry. I won't do it again. I won't do it again. And then make sure that tigers there, too, with you nodding, going, sorry. I mean, what's the word that can do fire me? No, actually, you could probably go to jail. I didn't think about that.

I just, well, I just did. It just occurred to me right now. Yeah. But if you do any of what I'm saying, you could be jailed. So how did you become acquainted with our world and our podcast? Is it, are you a listener of the podcast or do you check this out? Okay. Tell us about that.

I, well, I guess I started by watching your videos on YouTube back when I was maybe in high school. I don't remember how I came across the first Conan video I ever saw. But yeah. Right. They're so, I mean, they're so ubiquitous and so a part of everyone's life. Oh, I know. It's kind of like saying, what's the first, no, it's like, it's like saying, when was

the first time you caught a ball or caught the common cold? Thank you. Yeah. You're the son of a bitch. Yeah. It's like there's life pre-Conan and post-Conan, but I don't remember the shift. Yes. Who remembers their first bout of diarrhea?

No one. But you move on in life. So you nailed it, you got there with your help, old friend. Well, so, so, so Tara, so tell us, you started listening to, you started watching the videos and then you started listening to the podcast. Yeah. So your podcast started coming out just when I was maybe about to do my master's degree. So yeah, they came at a great time because I was in another country alone, struggling

with sort of loneliness a little bit. And they really kept me company, got me through my MA and, you know, you've been like my Spotify topless in for the past every single year since you've put the podcast out. Oh, that's nice. Thank you very much. That's really sweet. We're all very honored that you would listen to our foolishness and I understand that we've been some help to you in your romantic life.

Is that true? Oh, yeah. Yes, that's right. I somehow bonded with my boyfriend over your show as well and, and yeah, we'd like watch clips or send clips to each other and then just sort of discuss how Conan is like pee comedy. Oh, that's, hey, I like this guy a lot. Who is it?

What's this guy's name? His name is Graf. So in Thailand people have nicknames that don't really have anything to do with their personality. You might know that, but yeah, so his nickname is just Graf and that's the nickname he was given at birth. So you know, it's not like he's a mathematical wizard or anything. But he could have been named anything. People's nicknames are often just inanimate objects.

Yeah, or just random words. Yeah. What's your nickname? I'm one of the weird Thai people who don't have a nickname. Oh, okay. We should give her one. Yeah. Yeah.

Podcasts. Yeah. Podcasts or VCR remote. Nothing podcast. Yeah. Well, just because it seems like it's, it's got some meaning behind it. Yeah. Okay.

I was just going for totally random. Oh. But, you know, who knows? We'll find you a good nickname, but for now you're a podcast. Okay. I'll accept that. Yeah. Well, you really have no choice.

We mean, this is what we do. That's right. He's telling the truth podcast. Yeah. You just have to understand podcasts that when you and Graf met, it was foreordained. That's right. I'm, I'm curious you, so what happened? Did you, were you in a cafe?

And you heard this handsome gentleman across the cafe, chuckling. And you said, excuse me, sir. What is you chuckling at? And he said, oh, that, that rascally Conan. And then you said, why, I, I enjoy Conan as well. And then hearts came out of your heads. Is that, is that what? Conan's version of fan fiction.

Is this, is this, is this what happened? His own ironic fiction. Oh my God. And it's like. I'm getting all out and bothered right now. Fan fiction. Yeah. Yeah.

So what, is that what happened? Yes. So that's exactly what happened. No. Tell us exactly. No. No, we, we were, we, we knew each other since I'm going to say like 11, 12, we were, we were school friends and we'd always sort of been close-ish, but then yeah, we started,

you know, sort of talking towards the end of like high school. And I don't, I don't know how you came up. I think, I think maybe he even sent me the first video and sort of got me onto you or something. And yeah, the rest is just sort of history really. That's nice. How long have you two been together now? It's going to be 10 years next month.

Wow. It's been a while. Yeah. It's been a while. Are you getting pressure from your family? Are they starting to be happening here? Yeah. My mom just keeps saying, you know, I want a grandchild.

I want a grandchild all the time. So that's fun, but every time, every time anybody we know says, you know, oh, when, when are you going to get married, when are you going to have kids, blah, blah, and we'll be like, if you just give us the money to like have a wedding and the money to like raise a child for, until they go off to college, then yeah, just do that and we'll. Well, Conan, you have a lot of money. Right away. You should just pay for it.

She's your fan. Well, first of all, I'd love to. And I did have a lot of money. Some bad investments were made. And I apologize. I thought NECA wafers were coming back. Those. Oh, man.

Yeah. And I went all in. I thought to be a huge resurgence during COVID of a very untasty wafer. Good chalk, though, that came from the 1902. And so I went all in, built a factory. I would like, of course, I would love if you two wanted to be together, you know, and and, and, and, and become married someday. I feel like I should be there because I was, let's be fair, I was one of the reasons that

you two came together. Honestly, yeah, would you officiate for us? Yes, I would. Yeah. I've done it before. I've, I've married people before I have. I'm registered online as a minister with the, the church of the holy get groovy and I think it expired.

Well, I think all I have to do is press control three and I'm re-entered again. That's that easy. I don't know. Can you do it in Thailand? I think I haven't looked into the laws in Thailand, but I'm a hundred percent certain I can. I mean, this, this is binding, right? We have audio and video proof.

So. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I guess you're a legal scholar as well. No, but listen, I think, I think there are many ways I could help you. I think I could help you with your 8am lecture. I think those kids would pay attention if maybe I instructed the class and you could just watch me do it.

I think that you would see how it should be done. No offense, but I think you'd see a whole new way to approach your students. What do you think of that? Oh, I believe it. Yeah. Yes. I think I could take you and graph out to a nice restaurant, maybe, or a club. And we could relive the time that you first bonded.

I could read ad copy from a podcast live while you two rekindled what brought you together in the first place. And then I could talk to your mother and say, you know, I know you want a grandchild. I have two children. I don't see them a lot. We don't get along. So she could have, you know, one of them come back to my son. Yeah.

He's very tall. He's about 17. But I'd loan him out for a year. I was at a very reasonable rate. If you did the class instruction, let's say it's an hour class, would you do like 55 minutes of performance and then it would be five minutes of actual instruction? Do you want these kids paying attention or not? Yeah.

You want to pay attention. But they learn who no one really goes to university to learn. They learn how to learn. And that's what I could provide. I could provide an incredible experience at 8 a.m. that would blow their minds. And I think change the way they think about English literature and the English language and translation. So I think this would be this would be a game changer for these young people and they would

never forget it. And then you could use some of my methods. What do you think? There was so much silence there. Yeah. There was so much nothing for a while. Yeah. I think I would love to see it.

You don't sound, you're thrilled yourself podcast. Maybe you, Graf and your friends, Bottle and electric toothbrush should get together and talk this over. But I'm convinced that I could be a great, great force in your life. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you'll help me sort my life out. And I mean, whenever I don't need to do that myself, that's always a plus, isn't it? You know, it's funny.

You bonded with possibly potentially your future husband over my work. My wife and I, true story, my wife Liza, who I've been married to for 21 years, we bonded over our distaste from my work. Oh, no. Yeah. And to this day, it's kept us together. She just doesn't get it. And to be honest with you, neither do I.

It keeps things fresh, doesn't it? Yeah, it really does. It really spices up the marriage when you're totally not respected. Tara, you seem like a very nice person. And I very impressed with you. I think she's a very impressive person. She is. I mean, I can't believe you teach people.

I know. I can't believe it either. It's just a lot. That's a lot of pressure. I could never do that. I think I'd be like Conan. I just want them to like me so much. Like I would be just doing whatever I could do to make people like me.

I don't see you showing up at an 8 o'clock AM class to teach it, let alone. Yeah, let alone. That's actually true. I wouldn't do that one. You would. She'd send David. Yeah. You'd send my other assistant, David, to go do it.

And in between shots of the kids barely struggling through the 8 AM class would be shots of you passed out hard for. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have parties with the students, but I don't think you're allowed to do that anyway. Sorry. Do you ever party with your students? No, because they're still technically underaged.

I don't think I should because I need alcohol on my parties. Tara, I didn't mean you could. Oh, the alcohol aspect. Okay. No, no, no. What are you thinking? I mean, what sounded creepy when you first said it, but trust me, some of those kids are drinking.

Speaking of alcohol, I have in my notes that you really like to drink wine and scotch. Is that right? Oh, yes. Yes. I do. Together? Well, at least rephrase that. What is it?

What is it? What is your drink of choice? What are your drinks of choice, Tara? Most of the most of the times it's wine. Mm hmm. Mine. And what about spirits? If you're going to have spirits, what kind do you have?

I do like scotch a lot, but the bad thing is that I quite like expensive scotch, but as you can probably imagine, teachers don't get paid very well, I mean, all over the world, but also especially in Thailand. So whenever I'm having like a really nice glass of scotch and I think about how many hours I have to teach to be able to afford that scotch, it sort of takes the enjoyment out of it. I'm sending you some good scotch. Yeah.

What do you like? What do you like? What's a good scotch that you would like to drink? I am sending you some good scotch. I mean, think big here. He's going to send you something free. Yeah. Again, this is all binding.

No, no, no. I didn't say it was free. She has to. I'm billing her. No. Plus for shipping. No. Plus for shipping.

And handling. And handling. And my labor. I'm going to keep an eye on my gas tank when I. No, no, no. Of course, Tara. I want to send you some good scotch. What do you like?

I really like scotch from the Isle of Isle. So those really. Oh, like the Lefroyk? Yeah, Lefroyk or Ardbeg. Those really P.T. smokey ones. Okay. All right. You're going to help me with this because Gourley knows his scotches.

Well, I've had more come out of me than in me. What the fuck? Throwing up a lot of scotch. Well, that's pleasant. I'm sorry. I should have told you that Gourley is a terrible alcoholic. Just those P.T. scotches have really floored me like no other alcohol before. I'm getting you some scotch and I'm going to.

Our people are going to tell me they're going to find out where I can send it and I'll get it to you. Oh, wow. So you're getting me scotch. You're officiating, officiating my wedding. Possibly. You're talking to my mom about loaning your son out. And that's all at the price of him teaching your class.

Yeah. Yeah. If you, you have to give me that eight o'clock AM class. And I'm going to need a little, I'm going to need a little bit of time to talk to your local zoo and to get some pyrotechnics. So this is the tall order, but I'm going to turn, I'm going to turn it all around. Tara. Sounds good.

Well, it was lovely talking to you. You're really an accomplished, intelligent person. And I wish nothing but good things for you. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah. I can tell that didn't mean much to you. Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. It means the world. Yes. Yes. I'm so needy. None of this means anything till she gets her scotch. And I'll post, I'll post on Instagram and be like, thank you so much.

My, my savior. Yes. That's what I like. I have a savior complex. My best to graph. And I hope our paths cross soon. I hope so. I mean, if you ever come to Thailand and need like an interpreter or maybe not,

but you know, if you ever come to Thailand, just hit me up. We'll, I, we'll hang out. I'll sneak you into class and you can do your bits. You know, it's so charitable. Yeah. I'll let you do your bits. Yeah.

That's what they're going to be telling me in the nursing home. Yeah. Yeah. Finish your, finish your porridge and then you can, we'll let you come out for the rich. Don't you know that this podcast came about because of a secret meeting where like, we need to find a place where Conan can do his bits. We need to let him do his bits in a room.

Oh, Tara, you've exposed the whole sad sham. All right. Well, thank you. That's very nice of you. That's very nice of you. And I wish you all the best. All right. You take care.

Have a great day, Tara. Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity. Oh, yes. By podcast. By microphone. By headphones. By sweater.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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