Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Live With Bill Hader At The Wiltern Theater

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

Bill Hader joins Conan live at the Wiltern Theater to talk about the first time he met Arnold Schwarzenegger, bits that never die, and coping with anxiety. Plus, Conan and his team take audience questions about how Conan would break into the industry today, moments that make them glad to be alive, and more.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

This special live-recorded episode of Conrad Bryant Needs a Friend is presented by Chevy and their lineup of electric vehicles. Just because you're a stab, which doesn't mean you can't be an innovator, Chevy has proven that. Okay, the Chevy name, everybody knows it. They think they know what to expect from a Chevy. But if you don't think electric vehicle when you think Chevy, you do not know Chevy, old friend.

Because Chevy, you don't need to be rich to have an EV. Chevy is breaking the mold, making an EV for everyone no matter the life stage or budget. Head to chevy.com slash Conan to learn more. If all is here, hear the yell, back to school and ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, time the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the host of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Conan O'Brien. How are you doing, everybody, hello, my God, thank you, thank you very much, it's great.

Thank you guys very much, thank you, that's really nice, thank you very much, thank you. You guys are making it harder and harder for me to pretend I don't have a friend, I have to tell you. I wish I could find a friend. There's 35,000 people cheering, wow, that was incredibly nice, thank you so much, this means the world to me, thank you. But we are so glad that you're here. As you know, we started doing this podcast on a whim about three years ago and you guys

turned it into this big thing and we are eternally grateful, we're really happy. Of course, I don't do it alone, I wish I did, but I thought, no, it's not funny with just me, I need two people who really irritate me all the time by my side and I love them both dearly. Let's hear it for Matt Gorely and Sonia Mosasio. Wow, this is incredible. I just want to ask quickly because I know that this is a big, this has really changed your lives a little bit, right, Sonia?

You had a very humdrum existence before I showed up and then I cast my magical beam on you and then, whoa, suddenly wherever you go, you get recognized a lot, do you not? Yeah, I do, yeah, I do, wait, because of the podcast or because of the... No, because you're a great assistant, no, hey, aren't you that assistant that really does a pretty good job? Yeah. You read about you? You always...

Go pick up my dry cleaning. Yeah, I do. This is exciting. You have a very memorable voice and people recognize you. Yeah, but I don't, I mean, would I say you changed my life? The best thing that ever happened to you and you're married with children. Yeah, I am. And I'm still...

Every night don't you... You're a little baby, so don't you say to them, and then I met the greatest man ever, Carmen O'Brien. No, I've never said that in my whole life, ever. Good night. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you're right.

They'd get too excited and then they wouldn't go to sleep. Oh. No. You know him, ha! Do they... They don't speak yet, they're 10 months, right? Yeah, they're 10 months old, they don't know who you are. No.

They don't think that's possible. They have absolutely no idea who you are. They live under a rock. No, I think they've seen you, and they're scared of you. You're the whitest person they've ever met. I did go over to Sonia's house to visit the twins. I've been over to see them, and then you brought them over to our new offices, and your sons were just looking at me

and looking up at my hair, and looking at me and looking up at my hair. And then I was moving my hair, and they became transfixed. You know what I do? Yeah. Oh my god. I was doing that. Well, now you're transfixed.

I am. You're drooling like a baby. But because your head and your hair are in two different municipal zones. It's broken. Yeah. No, don't touch it. No.

It's held on with Velcro. Matt Gorley, how are you? It's good to see you. I'm well. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Yeah, you look terrific. And Matt is the magician behind the scenes

who makes the madness come together. You really do. Thank you. And yet still, I do nothing but insult you and belittle you. Yeah, you have changed my life in that way. No, before you met me, you were never insulted so often. Yeah, it's really different. There you go.

Changed your life. You've made me a shell of a human being. There you go. Yeah, you do break down the people you work with. Yes, I do. Yeah, you do. It's the service I provide. No, I am very excited.

We have a terrific guest. We'll get to that in a little bit. And we're going to have a lovely time tonight. And I love. It's so funny to me that when we started doing the podcast, I was doing a TV show and had been doing one for many, many years. And then I thought, I want to do something completely

different, a departure. So I started. We started just in a little room, the three of us, doing the podcast. And it felt so different. And then it started to grow and grow and grow. And then they started to say, hey, you know what you could do? You could actually, we could start shooting it

and having some of it on TV or footage. And I'm like, OK. And then they said, you know what you could do? You could start doing them in front of an audience. And then they said, if you've got the audience, you should get the band. And I'm like, OK. I am right back where I fucking started.

Yeah. I mean, how is this? I swear to God, if I became a podiatrist, they'd be like, you're a pretty good podiatrist. You're pretty good. Yeah, you're a good podiatrist. You know what would be good? We had a couple of people here just watching you.

Do you think maybe you died and you're a ghost who has to work something out before they can pass on or something? I mean, you look like a ghost. If this is it, I am not going. This is not punishment to get killer crowds and be here in LA doing what I love. So if this is a punishment, I will take it.

Yeah. Well, we are very happy to be here tonight as part of the Netflix as a joke festival. Yeah. Right. It's exciting. I realized, I think, well, you and I did Bonnaroo a long time ago.

But really, this is the first real festival I'm thinking that I've done. And I was thinking like, this is cool, because it's like we're like an act on Woodstock, you know? Ooh. Are we Woodstock? No, I meant Woodstock 99, not 69. Yes.

That makes more sense. I feel like I'm more like, I wasn't saying I was Jimmy Hendrix, I'm saying I'm the bass player for Limp Biscuit. Yeah. And everyone out there is covered in mud and human excrement. Yeah, and it's just hemorrhaging cash. No, that's the Woodstock I was talking about. I would never say we would have been at the 69 Woodstock.

No, if we were, we'd be Shana Na. Yeah. I'd be canned heat. I'm going to the country, got to get away. OK, I don't know that reference. Oh, come on. These references are just what the kids love these days. Come on, a little more, a little more.

Carrot heat, carrot heat. I'm going to the country, got to get away. Oh, my god. You're excited. You know this. Remember that? Jimmy, you know that one, right? Oh.

I'm going to the country, got to get away. I'm going to the country, got to get away. Oh, no, I'm not student fighting. No, I'm not a fan. Wow, we just made. Thank you. What a waste of time. Wow, look, people are filing out.

Yeah, I'm leaving too. I got to go. I was in traffic for six hours. How was it with Carrot? He sang some song from the late 60s in a very high altar. I did not enjoy it, and I didn't understand it, man. I think there might be another way that we could further alienate Sona if we're

interested in that. Which is that? Which is what? OK, well, many of you probably know that it's the 4th of May today, which means it's Star Wars Day. That's right, it's Star Wars Day. Yeah, May the 4th be with you. May the 4th be with you.

Yes, someone came up with that a couple years ago. Yeah, but it's important. Had an orgasm and then. Yeah, it was May the 4th be. Oh, fuck! Oh! I didn't miss any contact, everyone I know. We started a movie.

It was Matt. Did you have a camera in my room? See, it's like the 4th, but it's the 4th. So the reason that we bring this up is that some people might not know, but you are technically in the Star Wars canon, you are officially part of the Star Wars universe. We were doing a week of shows in San Francisco, I don't know, 12 years ago, and one of the guests was Mr. George Lucas. He heard of him.

And he came on the program and then as a nice gesture, he said Conan from now on, there's a character that hasn't been named. Yeah, Admiral Maudi, but he didn't have a full name. OK, well, all right. I'm just, look, I'm just stating the... Yeah, there's a guy and so they named him, what did they named him after me? Yeah, I think it's Conan and Tone Anthony Maudi, I think. Well, you've got to get it just right or people are going to be pissed.

I know, they're walking out. I thank you for being so cool that you didn't care about that. Yeah. It's true. If the crowd had shouted it all out, I'd have just been out of here so fast. Conan and Tone Anthony Maudi! And then, yeah, and I guess that's a big deal, I've had Star Wars people, you know... Star Wars people?

Like a stormtrooper? No, like people that come up that are into that stuff say, you're in the cannon. And I go, yeah, OK, you know, good for you. Right. But... And then I do this to them and they get really mad. Well, maybe Yoda be with you and they're like, no, it's not it, man! So I am also in the Star Wars canon through a weird...

I'm sorry, no offense, but... No, I understand. I get it. It is right and proper that I am a part of, you know, any great canon. Well, that's debatable. What's your story? You're right. I don't know that I belong in there, but I had two friends, Ben Acker, Ben Blacker,

who wrote a young adult Star Wars novel called Join the Resistance, and it's canon, and they named a spaceport after my wife and me called Lund Gourley. Hey! But wait a minute. So is this... No, wow. Can I just say? Wow!

I don't know how this is... I want it to be very clear when you're listening to the podcast, that was a very small portion of the audience. But the fact that anybody... That anybody applauded that is really saying something. But wait a minute, but what is their right? Someone can write a fantasy book on their computer and... No, this is published.

This is canon. Published how? What do you mean it's published? Published on the press. On the press? You have no facts on your side. This is the saddest thing. Isn't it a guy?

And he said, if I give him $40, he can be magic beans and a part of the Star Wars canon. Don't make me go to Wikipedia. Oh, for God's sake. Oh, no, no, no. This is also where you find out who you are on there. For God's sake. Okay. So you all know Chappelle, someone ran on stage with Chappelle?

Yeah. And I, before the show, the people here working in Netflix said, Hakun, if you want, we'll put barriers up to protect you. And I was like, you've got to be kidding. By the way, right now, if someone ran up and grabbed your phone, I would not stop them. I'd give it to them. I'd give it to them. Anyway, yeah, well, that's congratulations.

I'm glad that someone wrote something and my whole point for bringing this up was not obviously not to brag about that. No, it was to put it to Sona. Oh, that's right. You're not in Star Wars at all. Are you? No. No, I'm not.

Thank you for telling me. Are you okay? Are you doing okay? Do you? Yeah. I'm in other stuff. What are you in? I'll tell you what I'm in.

Hold on. My friend wrote a graphic novel called Soul Kiss, and I'm a character, and someone kisses me, I die, and I get flushed down the toilet. Wow. Well, I guess you win. Yeah. You know, I'm not seeing that on Wikipedia. No, you've been it right, you've been on a reality show or something, didn't you?

Wait, what? No, I was in the opening of a show when I was in second grade, I was saying the Pledge of Allegiance and someone took my picture, oh my God, saying it now, it sounds creepy, but I was in an opening like credits. Wait, I understand. Why would you be, you were just saying the Pledge of Allegiance where? I was at school. Oh, okay.

I thought you were just saying it out on the street. I was saying people, I belong in America, you know? Yeah, what? Well, you know, I was born here, no, I was born in this country, I was born, I did not float here in a basket, so yeah. Lot of different stories. No, there's one story floating around there. I read a Rolling Stone magazine article, said you came here, you floated here in a basket.

Yeah, you said that, two Rolling Stones. I said that to a reporter, and he wrote it down, and it's in Rolling Stone magazine that Sonam of Sessian floated here in a basket from the island of Armenia after her father saved her from a goat attack. So that happened, and the guy printed it. He printed it in Rolling Stone forever, and one day my kids are going to Google it, and they're going to be like, did you really float here in a basket, and I'll be like, uncle Conan.

It's more legitimate than his fake story about, you know. That's not a fake story, that's canon, and I will thank you to respect me. All right, let's move on. May the fourth be with you. Yeah. Yes. Yes. We're here today to do this podcast, which we love so much, and of course, the biggest

and best part of our podcast, in my opinion, is that we get these wonderful people to come on and talk to us. Our guest today is someone I dearly, dearly love and admire and thrilled that this person is joining us right now. I know it's a surprise, but I think you're going to be happy. Let's bring these lights down, shall we? Hi, my name's Bill Hader. Thank you, thank you, and I feel thrilled about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Hello. Wow, that made me really happy. That made me so happy. Oh, that was awesome. Thank you, guys. Yeah. That was so sweet. It's always dangerous, because I could have said here, the assistant superintendent of

the sewage system, the lead editor of Wikipedia. It's like, hello, hello, children, hello. No, we are thrilled that you're here. Thanks, Bill. I'm thrilled. You're one of my favorite people. You're one of my favorite people, Conan. Okay, we're going to edit out the part where I said, you're one of my favorite people.

And then we're going to have you say you're one of my favorite people, and then we're going to have you go it. I love you, Conan. I love you, Conan. You are my hero. You saved my life. You saved my life. There's so many things I'm delighted about.

You've always been one of the funniest people I know, and you've been so generous to me over the years with your talent. And I love what you've done at this stage in your career with Barry, because you get to do everything. You get to be funny, but you're also a terrific actor. The tension, the way you can ratchet up tension, you're directing now. I think you're directing all the episodes. Yeah, well, Alec Bird directed three of them, and I directed five, and then, yeah, I'm

going to hopefully direct more, so yeah, I love directing, that's like, you know, what I forgot, and then I remembered it, is it does make sense, because you were an incredible movie buff when you were a kid, you just, you watched movies all the time. Was it just movies exclusively? Movies and TV? Yeah, mostly movies. The only TV show I think we watched was Golden Girls. Yeah, Golden Girls is kind of the best show, like, and it's pretty cinematic.

I'm going to have to dive in on that a little bit. When you say it was one of the best shows, what do you mean? You ever seen it? Yeah, it's fine. It's fucking amazing. Okay, but there's never a bad episode. Yeah. No, I would say, you know what, it was on after school, and I would watch it, and I loved

it, and I loved all those women. Yeah. And Betty White came and hosted when I was on Saturday Night Live, I was like, just completely in awe of her. Well, she was hilarious. I mean, she lived such a long life, but it's like hilarious, late in life, amazing, impeccable timing. We did a scared straight sketch with her where Kenan Thompson was yelling at us, and I am

a soft touch. I don't know if you know that, I laugh very easily in sketches. I don't know if you guys know that. And so Kenan in that sketch would always mess with me, and then when we did it on air, she started doing it with him, and I started like, I was trying to keep it together, and I started laughing. And the minute they said, you know, cut, you know, we're moving to the next set, she came up to me and she went, I'm so sorry, sweetie, and I was like, here's all my money, here's

everything. Here's my children, what else do you want, I'll give it all to you, no one's ever treated me like that before. I'm always forgetting that you grew up in Tulsa, right? You grew up in Tulsa. Whoa. Hey, there's someone from Tulsa here. Yeah.

Hey, right on. All right. Us. Hey, all right. Yeah. We can't get back in. No. No.

At the airport, they're like, you've been to Los Angeles? I don't think so. You got that L.A. on you, I can see it. Put them in quarantine, show them some hee-haw. Well, did you, I mean, so you're growing up and you love, you're watching a lot of film. Yeah, a lot of old movies, a lot of movies, yeah, I just said I'm watching movies. Did you fit in with the other kids? Yeah, I mean, I was all right, but I was kind of like, you know, you know, just kind of

like, you know, just kind of, you know, like a weird nerd. Like now, like what I'm doing now, that's how I talk to everybody in high school. I was like, hey, do you have, hey. Was there pressure on you to play sports or anything like that? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, in Oklahoma, that was a big deal. My dad, we played sports. I mean, my dad was very big at me playing basketball because I was very tall from my age, but it

is the type of thing when you're like nine, they're like, you got to put some size on you, you know, you got to build you up. You know, and I'm like, this isn't for me. I'm going to go watch singing in the rain. I remember down here, I had people telling me you got to, you must play a pretty serious basketball because I was tall. Yeah. And I was like, you know, there are other requirements.

Yes. They're like, oh, then you must play a mean Frankenstein. Well, that I could maybe do, but it was just so funny. People would be like, oh, look at this guy. I bet you know, I bet you'd be an amazing, you're probably going to go to the NBA. Yeah. Just based on size. Yeah.

Just based on your height and nothing, knowing nothing else about you. I haven't even heard you speak or I've even seen you move. But here's a contract for the NBA. Here's a billion dollars. And you just get started playing the best basketball ever. And then I'd start to move. They'd be like, Jesus fucking Christ. Ten minutes later, they're like, what have we done?

What do we do? We give them so much money. I'll play your basketball. He looks like a marionette in one of the strings broke. Yeah. Can't hold ball. The other thing you need to know is you need to care where the ball is on the court. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't understand that either. I was like, it could look nice in the stands. There's a beautiful woman wearing a pashmina in the front. I think she should be holding the ball. Yeah. Look at that. The orange and what she's wearing.

And they're like, get him out of here. Did you know what amazed me is, and you have so many talents. And then I find out that you came out to LA. And my assumption would be, and I think a lot of us just would assume that people would see a Bill Hader and right away think, oh my God, this guy's amazing. You were a PA for six years. Yeah. I was a production assistant.

Hey, we got PAs in here. You guys not getting a lot of sleep. Yeah, man. I would drive out first one there, last one to leave. Right. I worked on a movie called collateral damage with Arnold Schwarzenegger, which was if you get the DVD of that. Listen carefully.

When you go to the deleted scenes, there is a scene with Elias Coteas and Arnold Schwarzenegger and I, as a PA, the guy who was supposed to play the pilot didn't show up. And so they go, who can fit in this costume? And who's six two? And they were like, well, Hader's six two. So I'm playing the pilot and I turn around and I go three or four hours depending on the weather. So we can see that.

Very good. I know you like this. The first time I met Arnold Schwarzenegger, I was like five in the morning. As you know, as a PA, it's like base camp, five in the morning sitting there. And I see his trailer and they're like, Arnold's not here yet. And I go, oh, OK. And I'm waiting. And then suddenly the door flies open and there's Arnold Schwarzenegger in a bathrobe

with a big goblet of something and a cigar. And it's just me. So I'm just like, and I see him. He's like 50 yards away, but I can see him go. And then he starts walking towards me and he gets up to me and he goes, little Jeff and Peter. And that's his hair and makeup, guys. I go, I'll find them.

Hold on. And I'm looking for my walk and he goes, find them. Show me a leadership capability. That's fantastic. I was like, they're right there. He was like, find them. Show me a leadership capability. I've never been more afraid in my life.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, we were there for like a day and the next literally we got married and then we went down to Mexico. I saw it live on TV. What's that? We all saw it. The world saw it. And then the next morning, it was the biggest global wedding ever that I had. So the new Princess Diana.

Oh, no, no, that was Prince and Charles. Anyway, we show up and we just come down for breakfast. It's like our first day of our honeymoon and Schwarzenegger comes and he sits down and yours, I don't do a good Schwarzenegger, but he sits down next to us and he goes like, he knew, I guess it had been on the news that I got married or something. He went, why did you go married? It was good for you that you got married. It's good.

It's good. He said, no, that's good. And then he brought out, I'll never forget this, a waiter brought out a phone which I've only seen in movies. It was like, it was 2002 and like, so a waiter brought out a phone and put it on his table and said, call for you. And he picked up the phone and went, hello. And I was like, yay.

An old man that this is a good marriage. Hello. It's honors. So I don't know. I was, you know, you were really nice to come on when I was winding up late night. Yeah. Late night show last year and you're doing this amazing segment and then you did this perfect setup to Paul Rudd.

Yeah. Coming out. It was so well done, you guys really played it very well that you had this disagreement, which of course led into Mack and me. Yeah, the Mack and me thing. The Mack and me clip. And everybody was super happy and I thought, what a great way for it to end. I don't know if you're aware that a couple of months ago, I'm talking to Paul Rudd and

he comes on the podcast and we're just chatting and I swear to God, no one told me anything. He's talking and he's talking about this project he's doing. Remember this? This audio. It was an ascripted audio program or something. It was a narrative podcast. A narrative podcast. And I'm listening going like, oh, this is, you know, like Paul was being, he's always

great, but he was going on a little bit about this thing and I was like, oh, okay, well, all right. And he was going on about it and he went, no, no, we have a clip of it. And I'm like, okay. And suddenly a monitor, which I hadn't seen, I hadn't noticed this monitor. He went, yeah, it's right here. And I went, oh, I guess it's a monitor and it's the goddamn Mac in me clip. And I was like, it's a, first of all, A, we put it to bed forever in this beautiful way

with Bill Hader. It's never going to get better than that. B, it's a podcast. You can't do that on a podcast. And I was completely fooled and people on the street have been like, we were in on it. I'm like, I had no idea. It is so funny. Yeah.

It enraged me. Oh my God. That is funny. I just like, yeah, Paul and Will Forte are those kind of people who just are like, they have a bit and they just take it forever. And, and, and that thing we did, the Ed Burns grill boys, which was the thing, which is a bit that he and I and Joe LaTruglio did at a party once and it cleared out the party. People were like, please stop doing that.

And we just kept going like, we're, it's so dumb. Ed Burns, you guys, Ed Burns, it was, so it was like Ed Burns movies. Like, it's always like New York, Irish, Irish guys. And it was like, hey, my mother was a firefighter, but now she's thinking about being a cop. And then every, and then we're, and we're grilling. And then every once in a while we go, hey, hey, hey, to pop, to pop, to pop, to pop. And we did this. I'm non-exaggerating for about five hours.

And I do remember Jean Garoflo yelling, shut the fuck, stop it. And we would never, we just kept doing it. And, and, yeah, that, so it makes sense to me that he would be like, well, no, I'm totally going to be back. No, no, I'm quite convinced that later, very late in my life when I'm, you know, and they're going to be in the hospital and they're going to, they're going to come in, they're going to say like, man, it's not good and they're going to tell me it's not good. And they're going to say there's, you know, there's one thing we could do. We could try this one thing in this area of your heart.

We could go in and be like, well, what is it? And they're like, well, we can show you right now. And they'll reel in the monitor and it'll be the Mack and Me clip. And I'll look over and it'll be right. And he'll take off his mustache and go, there's no cure. You're going to die. Yeah, there's no cure. He's just, yeah, that's my, that's my favorite kind of stuff.

I admire that so much. You know, you got name checked. We taped a podcast just a couple of days ago with the great and immortal Jeff Goldblum. And Jeff Goldblum was talking and being so great and so Jeff Goldblum-y. And at one point he talked about when he first came to LA and he said the celebrities you could see and where you would see them in LA and he's, you know, he's different. I think another click ahead of us in generation or me anyway. So he was seeing, he was there 10 years before I was and he was seeing these great old stars.

And he said, I saw Vincent Price at the Ralph's. The great, you know, scary film star Vincent Price. And in the moment I went, oh my God. And Goldblum realized at the same time, the guy does the best Vincent Price in the world is Bill Hader. And on the podcast, it's not going to air till after this one. But I said like, damn it. I wish Bill Hader was here right now and could do, could do Vincent Price at a Ralph's. Like looking at Nellans.

I just, I don't know. It just made me really happy. You don't have to. I'm not paying you. Well, now if I don't do it, I'm an asshole. Yes, you are. Yeah, maybe, yeah, he's like, comes up to someone there and he's like, I'm trying to meet. A lemon meringue pie.

And I have most of the ingredients. But I was wondering if you, why won't you look at me when I speak to you? Do you like, do you imagine if he did an Instacart and they showed up and it's like a fucking haunted mansion? Yeah. And he's like, I know the house is a little bit on the nose. Let's see, Miracle Whip. We have this. Where the hell is the marshmallow?

I got to be, I got to get credit. My, that Vincent Price that I did, a guy, Charlie Grandy and Matt Murray were like, oh, you should do Vincent Price. I was just new on SNL and I didn't have one. And I kind of, who did a really great Vincent Price was Dana Gould. Yes, yes. And Dana Gould does a great Vincent Price. So I have to give credit. And I met him and I go, I feel like I'm fully ripping off your Vincent Price.

And he was like, you are. You owe me money. No, he's one of the sweetest guys ever. And one of the funniest humans on the planet. One of the funniest humans on the planet. I, I'm glad that we, we got that, you know, no, it's good to address that because it's really good to pay. Like I realized there's so much stuff that I picked up from different performers who weren't even alive anymore. Yeah.

When I was a kid and I'm always saying, well, I'm just doing Johnny Carson's version of Jack Benny, which is Yeah. Benny's version of someone in vaudeville I'll never meet. I mean, half the stuff I did at SNL, I could be like, okay, that's Phil Hartman. That's Eugene Levy. That's Phil Hartman again. You, you know what I mean? It's just like, yeah, that's all that stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. The, you know, I wanted to talk about something which is, I think it would be, and something a lot of people don't probably discuss enough is that this duality between you're a performer, you're this performer that chooses to be on Saturday Night Live pursues it and is really good at it. Yet you're an incredibly anxious person. Yeah. And one of the things that I find really fascinating is that that is true of a lot of us.

We don't know what it is, the people I knew in high school who were completely confident all the time and thought they were hilarious. Monsters. Monsters. I went to school with Putin. He was just, he thought he was the funniest guy. Hello Conan. Hello Conan.

He was the one always setting the clock ahead ten minutes. Yeah, yeah. Looks like we're going to get out of, I can't be able to. This is going to be hilarious. Teacher, teacher doesn't know they're going to sit down and sounds like they fart. It's whoopie cushions on chair Conan. But you know what I mean? I am the funniest man.

I am the class clown. But it is a weird thing where the people that are convinced, you know, and I was very somewhat shy and anxious and then pursued this line of work where it's go out there in front of people and I know that was, that was, you had like coping mechanisms when you were at SNL. If you were going to be in a sketch and SNL is the very pinnacle of it is live. It's now or never. And you'd of course do scenes where you were carrying the whole thing. It's you right to camera.

You would intentionally mess up sometimes. Yeah. Just a little bit. The thing of, I went to a therapist and the therapist was like, what is the thing that is the thing? And you're like, I'm trying to get the, I need, it's like, if I mess this up at all, the whole, the whole studio is going to fall down on me. You know what I mean? It was just this fear of like, I have to land this thing perfectly. So she was like, well, what if you try just changing a couple words around and then that will kind of take you out of your head.

And so I did that. So if I came out and was like, hello, hello, the script was hello, hello, ladies and gentlemen. You know, I come out and go, hi guys and girls, welcome back or, you know, whatever. And then that would kind of, you know, make me go, oh, I screwed up. I didn't say it was on the cards and I'm still here. Everything's fine. You know, and I did that a lot. I mean, that's, but it was really helpful.

And, and, uh, I mean, that's why the one care, you know, the character, the, the. Stefan was the character where I had to, where that was the one where that covering the face thing. That's what I wanted to do in every sketch was just go like this because I would be, you know, I remember I play, I had to play Julian Assange and I showed up and, and, and, uh, and, uh, Seth Meyers was like, hey man, uh, we just wrote a, hey buddy, we just run a, we just, that's, hey buddy, uh, we just run a Julian Assange for you. You got to do it tonight. And I was like, boo. And, uh, Jeff Bridges was the host and I was shaking and I did it and I was so nervous and I had a wine glass and I

put my face in the wine glass, I was just, I had a full panic attack and afterwards I was just feeling terrible and, and Jeff Bridges afterwards I talked to him, I was like, I had a panic attack out there and he was like, I used to work with Robert Ryan, the great actor, Rob Ryan, and he said before every take he would start sweating. And I said, really, after all these years, you still get nervous. And he said, oh, I'd be really afraid if I wasn't afraid. And I went, oh, he goes, so you got to use that. And he goes, that's your buddy, man. He's like, well, anxiety, you know, you bring it out there, man.

You say, let's go, man. Let's like fuck it, man. It's a terrible therapist. Yeah, can you imagine, Jeff Bridges, a therapist? I, I don't know, I was so anxious and then I snapped at my kids. He's like, yell at him, man. You should just go and, yeah, cheat on your wife, man. If that's what you feel like, brother.

It's funny to say that because there's so much great comedy. I think especially sketch comedy like Molly Shannon was talking to her recently and she talked about Mary, Katherine Gallagher, and how so much of the physicality, what comes from anxiety, just complete anxiety. And the character is so anxious, but you know, the stuff under the arms, just knowing the fingers, the explosiveness that they all came from. I'm so scared that I want to blow out this way. Yeah, you can tell the hardest thing in SNL is to have to play somebody who is very calm. Like I had to do a lot of game show hosts and they have to be very confident.

Yeah, very calm. And it just sucked because beforehand I'm like, like having a full, you know, mental, I would go into that there is a on right by the big makeup room at SNL. There's this bathroom and I would go in there after the meeting right before air and literally just just freak out. I would just have like a little and it was this thing of like, let's get it out. But I learned it was kind of that Jeff Bridges thing and some other stuff I've been reading about it is that when you push at it, it gets bigger. It's like a monster nine on your face.

And when you go knock it away, the thing gets bigger. But if you just kind of like, oh, there it is. Okay. I have anxiety and just saying like, oh, I'm anxious. I'm anxious right now. It kind of chills out, you know, I just did a backstage. I was like, watch it. When you guys started, I went, oh, I start pacing up and down the stairs and I'm looking down like this.

And then I'm like, oh, I'm anxious. I'm anxious. I'm anxious. Why are they going on about Star Wars so much? I'm not in the can. Who's in the cannon? What are they talking about? You'll be in the cannon.

For your tauntaun alone, you'll be in the cannon. Oh yeah. The tauntaun impression. I actually am BB-8. What? I do the voice of BB-8. That is you. Yeah.

And Ben Schwartz. But I don't know what he does. But yeah. So you are in the cannon. Yes. Yes. You are? Yes.

Whatever. Look, they all just put masks on. Like when people didn't have masks on for most of the show and then late in the show. They just went, oh boy, they're talking about this kind of anxiety stuff. I know I'm getting anxious. No, but I would think, one of the things I've always found is when I'm anxious, I get anxious beforehand. People make fun of me, but I do like stretch backstage and I get down low.

And you'd never think that I would need to do any of that. I'm not doing an athletic event, but I need to do all these things to work out whatever the anxiety is. But then I find that getting in front of people and performing helps. Now that you're directing, I know you're writing, I know you're acting, but you're directing, I don't know what I would do with anxiety then. What do you do when you're a director? Are you able to be calm?

Yeah, that's weird. What's the outlet? Yeah, it's weird. It's like you kind of, yeah, it's strange that that doesn't stress me out as much as like this, you know, being like on a big, and I'm fine now, but like it's the anticipation of it, you know, it's the anticipation of coming out. You're like, I wake up this morning, I go, oh, I'm going to go on Conan. We're going to be at the well-turned.

Oh, boy. You know? My heart gets a little, you know, but when you're directing, you're just kind of, you know, you're problem solving and you have a very clear idea of what you want and that can kind of take over. And then when you're working with great people like Henry Winkler and stuff like that, you just, it's not that, it's really not that hard. Henry Winkler said that, Henry Winkler said that because you are so heavily involved in

the writing too, that he can see you sometimes. Mouthing along. You're mouthing along the words as he's trying to act. Yes. It drives him nuts. It drives everybody nuts. All the actors on the show are like, please stop because I'll be like, but what do you mean?

And it drives people crazy. Are you ever, do you ever do it when you're in the scene with them or just when you're off camera as a director? No, there have been times where it's like a two shot of us and then the DPs like, I can see your mouth moving along with Henry. So I'm like, fuck. Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Sorry. Sorry. When late night, when we first started like a million years ago in 1993 and we did this bit called clutch cargo with the fake mouth. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Clinton would come down and go, me.

Yeah. Yeah. And he'd be talking to me. I was so new at it all that I knew both sides of the script and I'm on camera and he's going, let me tell you something, and I'm going, and I was on, it was nothing we could do like it was airing, you know. Yeah. I was saying, you're saying the words along with him and I went, I'm just doing the best

I can. Fred, Fred Armisen to mess with me sometimes in SNL. It's one of the funniest guys on the planet. He went, he's like, he would mess with me sometimes where he under his breath. I don't know if he ever did it on air, but I feel like he did it at Dress Ones under his breath because you have cute cards up. He would be reading along with your lines. So under his breath, he'd be like, hi, welcome to the show.

I'm saying it out loud. Welcome to the show when I can hear him very slowly. No, wait, was he doing it to screw with you? Yeah. Oh, so it wasn't, it wasn't a tick or anything? No, no, no. He was doing it totally to fuck with me. He would also do a thing that if the camera wasn't on me, well, if the camera was on me

and it was off him, he would just go. And then they'd be like back and then they'd be like, guys, hold on. Because I would laugh very easily. Fred Armisen came to work on SNL when I was working at late night and I would just mess with people in the hallway. I, you know, just, and I knew him a little bit, but never I saw him anywhere. You'd see everybody in SNL in the hall because our show is just three floors down from you guys.

I'd see him, he'd be walking down the hall and he's such a nice kind of like, oh, hey, how are you going to get it? Hey, man. I would always say to him, you're just acting like a clown out there. You're acting like a clown. And, and he, he knew it was a bit, but he'd be like, sir, please go the other way. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You gotta give us the real you. You're just a clown Armisen. But I never, I realized for about six years, I never had a real human interaction with him. I'm sorry. We have impressions of each other and mine of him was always like, yeah, dude.

Yeah, man. I just fly right to Portland. Fly right back. Yeah, dude. That band, and he always knows people from obscure bands. He's like, that guy was in Squirrel Nut Zippers. That dude. Squirrel Nut Zippers right there.

That's the dude. Dude. That's him. Yeah. And his impression of me is I've just heard of a massive band for the first time where I would be like, Hey, I just listened to Bruce Springsteen. And I talk like, Hey guys. And he kind of goes like this.

Hey guys. I just listened to the Beatles for the first time. He's funny because he's such a funny performer and such a funny person. But when you're with him in real life and you're with a bunch of comedians, everyone else, if it's you and me and Melania and a whole bunch of other people and we're sitting around and we're all joking around, he'll be absolutely quiet. Yeah. And eating.

And I've been with him a whole meal where he won't say a thing. And he's got, he's always got these incredibly giant fashionable glasses. Yeah. They look like they're from like a European cars windshield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're waiting for them to have windshield wipers on them. Yeah, exactly. And he's just, and appreciating and nodding.

And then at the end of the night, he'd be like, well, that was a lot of fun. Thank you very much. And then people will be like, he's the funniest guy in the world and he is. But he just churns it completely. He knows how to do it. Yeah. Yeah. I've kind of learned that from him because when I first got to SNL, I mean, you're so anxious

and you so want to please and don't want to get fired. So you're just on all the time. And I just watched like Fred and he was so kind of calm and chill and just like, Oh, what are you reading? Oh, a book could be, you know, a hat. You know, and he's like, you don't need to do that. Don't do that. Just tell me what you're reading. I was like, no, no, trust me.

You're, you're preaching to the choir and my house, just my wife and my kids are just trying to live their lives. And I was like, huh, where is somebody here to tell you? Just go outside. Find a squirrel and do that to a squirrel. This is a squirrel. Yeah. I was like, can you go back inside?

You know, everything's a bit. Well, time to take my heart medicine. You just wake up and put like Dig Van Dyke's one man band outfit from Mary Poppins on. Like. Look at me. Look at me. That's how I feel. When I was starting out as a comedy writer and I was working it up at Sunset Gower.

Whoo. Yeah. Yeah. Sunset Junction. Anyway. Gower Gulch. I was known as the writer that was always on, like as you can imagine. And then one day I'm just driving my crappy car home.

I had a 1973 Plymouth Valiant. I bought it an old, like a junkyard. People will. Yeah. Anything just to hear themselves on a podcast. Yeah. It's like, honey, honey, just wait. Great.

50 minutes in. Yeah. That's me. Then ran into another car. It's coming. It's coming. Look at the road. What?

Oh my God. Sorry. Hey. There was no airbag. Easy. Easy. That guy died immediately. That's not funny at all.

Oh my God. But it's not funny. He's fine. But this writer was, this writer was driving home who worked with me and I didn't see him. He said, I didn't see him. And I was just driving along and he said, for the first time ever, I was completely neutral. Like a machine that had been turned off and I was waiting at a light. So what he saw was just something no one's ever seen, which is a Conan O'Brien that doesn't

have anybody around him to stimulate that sad part of him that he never got from his father. Did he put a mirror under your nose? And so I'm there and he pulled up to me and he was looking and he said, I was fascinated because it was just, I've never seen you like that. And I'm just there like that and he said he rolled on his window and like gestured to me and then I went like this. I went my head around because at the corner of my eye, like Spider-Man, I saw someone who knows me and totally high octane and he said it freaked him out because he realized there

was nobody inside. That's sick. That's sick. He only reacts to comedy. I know. I wouldn't meet her children for a while because they weren't old enough to laugh. Yeah. They weren't old enough to laugh.

No, that is true. No, they wouldn't give him what he needed. So he waited. He's just a baby in a car seat being like. Yeah. Exactly. That's no fun. Can they smile yet?

Can they respond yet? I'll come when they respond. That's what you were saying. I just, I knew that I'd be working it. And if they were in that, you know, the first whatever, five months when they're like, sleep, glorp, you know, really boring, glee, gloored face. Yeah. Glee, gloored.

I don't want that. It's a nerve ending. That's not the reaction I wanted. So I waited. That's a perfect Vincent Price impression. And then you have two kids, Mikey and Shirley, and Mikey, I nailed right away. Yeah. And I was like, and then Shirley couldn't get him.

No, no. Couldn't get him. And I went home and I'm like. The fuck's a Charlie? You were calling him at three in the morning. Put Charlie on the phone. Put him on the phone. Charlie, it's Conan.

Next time you see mommy's friends, you're going to laugh. Are your kids funny? Yeah, they're five. They're 10 months old. They're, they make me laugh. Oh, okay. They're babies, which makes it even sadder that he needs that from them. I feel like, were you going to say sicker?

Sicker. It's sicker and it's sadder. I have three daughters. I did the same thing when they were kids. It was just like going like, ah, wait, why aren't you laughing? Now they're funny. My, just yesterday, my middle daughter, she like just rolled the window down. She saw the two nice old women like in their front yards speaking and she drove by and

was like, how's your day going? And I went, why did you do that? And she goes, they're looking the wrong way. So she knows, they know. Yeah. Well, yeah. Their mother and I talk all the time. We're like, oh man, they're funny.

Oh shit. They're actually really funny. Yeah. Yeah. One of the youngest one dressed up as Rose from Titanic for Halloween. And she was showing the class and the teacher told me she was like, this is what she's wearing before she dies. What?

Oh no. She's like, this is what she's wearing when Jack dies. And she would only refer to the costume as what she was wearing when Jack died. When you said when she died, I thought it was old Rose. Were they concerned? Was there any concern from the teachers? No, it's like a hippie school, they don't give a shit. They were like, she's showing, she's doing very, no, they thought it was very sweet.

They thought it was very funny. It's not a hippie school. Yeah. It's not a hippie school. Whoever's listening to this, it's not a hippie school. It's a great school. I remember years ago, we took my son, we took my son to some super progressive school or whatever and we walked in and he was really young and we walked in and they, one of the

rooms, I had a clock on the wall and the numbers were all jumbled around. And my son was looking at it and he said, you know, what's that all about? And the teacher went, time man. Oh no. Oh no. Doesn't really. Boo. My son was like six and it doesn't really matter.

And my son went, uh-huh. I need you to turn around. He went, clock should tell time. Clock should tell time. Let's get out of here. I don't want to learn shit. Get out. Let's get out.

Yeah, his feet don't even touch the ground. He's like, get out of here. This is a big look. He says, no. The interview is over. This is the same son that said to my wife and I once, just years and years ago, I'd like to try and make some money. We're like, that is terrific.

That's terrific that you'd like to make some money. So, you know, what we could do is in the morning, they throw the paper and, you know, whatever in front and you could bring it into the house and that's going to be 50 cents. And this is, if you do that, that'll be 50 cents. And if you, this will be 50 cents. And he said, come on, I'm talking real money here. I don't have time to fuck around. Yeah, he brings his enforcer over like, hey, hey, hey, where's the money you owe this

kid? He brought the paper in. He cleaned up half of the dog. No, I gave him $1.50. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. When giving him $1.50, it was a little bit more than that, all right? Who are you, gentlemen? Who is this amazing man?

Get enforcer this week on NBC. Baby enforcer. Baby enforcer. The baby wants his diaper changed. It's a giant hit for some reason. 90 million households. 90 million households. We don't get it.

The baby wants his wide back. The baby wants his wide, wide back. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I saw Wilco play here once. Oh, I did too. Yeah, Wilco played here once. It was awesome. Now we're just going to clock out.

Woo! Now you're just going to start naming random bands. Yeah. Destroyer played here once. Anybody have a question? As Kevin would say, where's our waiter? Where's our waiter? Water.

I cannot thank you enough for being here. I want to make sure that I thoroughly compliment you. I know that I'm an absolute fanatic for Barry and you know that. I love it. I have friends that have a lot of projects. And when a friend of mine who I really admire and love makes something that I think is superlative, it gives me a lot of joy.

And you've done that with this. You managed with this show to keep dialing up the tension and the improbability that anything's going to go okay. You know what I mean? It's just absolutely incredible. Oh, thank you, man. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, this season gets pretty dark. That's actually fine by me.

Yeah, it gets pretty dark, but it's the most fun and especially growing up wanting to do this in Tulsa and hanging out, making short films with my sisters and stuff. It's pretty amazing to get to finally direct and do everything. And we have like this amazing group of people and an amazing cast, so I don't know. I'm just insanely lucky right now.

Well, it's a beautiful show. Sir, God bless you. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Bill Hanne! Oh, thank you. All right, everybody. Thank you. I just want to make sure that I get this out because this is important.

If you're not watching Barry, you're insane because it's absolutely one of my favorite shows and it notches up each season and it's a great piece of work. So you should check out Barry, which airs Sundays at 10 on HBO and HBO Max. Make sure you check that out. What about Bill Hader? Does it get any better than that?

Funniest guy. No, he's such a talented guy, but he has this ability to be so hilarious and then as a creative force, you know, he's so multi-talented. I think that's amazing. And then to come out here and then be vulnerable and tell us, to me, it's like a theme of this podcast sometimes.

I want people to know that the people that you're watching who you think probably don't have the same anxieties you do, everybody has those. Every single person has those. And you need to know that. That's important. Except me, of course. You're a very even keel.

There's nothing inside. Listen, I know we've had a lot of fun here tonight, but we have to get down to some business here and pay some bills. Got to pay those bills. It's important. We're excited to have Chevy as our sponsor. Chevy.

Tonight's show. Oh, wow. With Chevy's new line of electric vehicles, including the Bolt EV, the first ever Silverado EV, and coming soon the Equinox EV. Guess what? My favorite car name ever, truck name ever. Silverado.

That's good. They must have, when they realized no one else had taken that name, they must have high-fived each other until they all died. So these are the electric ones. That's right. It's their whole line of new electric vehicles, and they are at the forefront of innovation. Well, let me, first of all, I think, yes,

they are innovating. I think we could innovate as well. How so? I think we need to be drastically innovating constantly on the podcast to make sure that we change and grow and stay ahead of our audience. What do you suggest? I think I should...

You should surprise me with a wild animal in the middle of every episode. Like, not a large bear, but a young bear. That's not as quite as strong as me, but could still hurt me. Okay. And you just launch it at me halfway through the podcast, and I have to fight it.

I have to fight an animal or a mountain lion or a bobcat. And people would hear that, and they would wonder every week, yeah, I like Jeff Goldblum. I listen to Jeff Goldblum or, yeah, you know, Mulaney. I listen to Mulaney or, you know, Tignitaro. I want to hear this Tignitaro. Wait a minute.

I want to wait and see what animal they throw on Conan that he has to fight off. There's a real chance that you could die? I was going to say, you would die the first time we did it. You can't fight animals. No. What are you saying? Yes, you can.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's a good idea. No, come on. No, I'm serious. I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm actually getting some information that there's more info to be had on Chevy,

and it comes from one of our producers here that we're not really getting to the nitty-gritty like we should have. So let's bring that person out. All right. Well, if it isn't Jordan Schlansky. Jordan, you have something you want to say about the podcast? Yeah, listen, this is an advertising segment,

and rather than promoting your own self-interest, your simple assignment was to mention that after 100 years of innovation, Chevrolet has taken some of their most popular vehicle models and made electric versions. And it's all based on their Ultium battery or in the original Latin pronunciation, Ultium. And in fact...

That's just not true. In fact, the ancient Romans who spoke Latin and favored innovation themselves would likely have appreciated the extended range of these vehicles because like Chevrolet in 80 countries, the ancient Roman Empire covered a lot of area centered, of course, around Rome and the Colosseum, or as it was known back then, the Amphiteatrum.

And you... Why does it always go to Italy? It always goes to Italy. Wow. Why? We can be talking about anything, and we're in Italy within eight minutes. You in particular should be thankful for the idea of innovation

because if we were still living in the Roman Empire, your desperate needs for attention would likely have found you fed to the wild animals in the Amphiteatrum. Oh, that's what you're after. That's my dream. Now, while I myself, as a deep thinker and philosopher, would likely have flourished and spent my days

eating large quantities of cacio e pepe pasta, one of the four famous Roman pastas along with carbonata, amatriciana, and grisha. Now, the key to properly preparing those pastas is the use of the starchy pasta water as the Italians call amido. And in fact, all of those Roman dishes used pecorino romano cheese,

which is made from sheep's milk, and those sheep are fed grass leading to a higher nutritional content specifically in the area of conjugated linoleic acid, omega-3 fatty acids, and beta-carotene. No, no, no. You're about to be tackled by my security. Jordan, I miss you.

I guess I love you if you're a real person. Jordan Slatsky, thank you very much, everybody. My God, I don't know what to say about you, about that man. I'm not lying, I don't know what to say. Yeah, I just want pasta. Wherever I go in the world, I don't care where I am, and I've been in many corners of this world, and people stop me and say,

hey man, what's with that Jordan Slatsky? They want to know what his deal is, and that's him. Do you think that they stop him and go, what's with that Conan O'Brien? No, no they don't. Well, we like to keep things a little close to the recorded version of the podcast, and often with that podcast, we check in

with the people, the listeners, by listening to some voicemails. We always listen to voicemails, and then I answer their question. Let's play on some voicemails right now, and hear from actual listeners. Okay, let's begin right now, and I'm going to try and imagine

what the person who left this voicemail looks like. Okay, this will be amazing. Yes, hi, how are you? Hi, I'm Christine Leon from Tustin. From where? Tustin, in Orange County. Oh, Orange County, yeah, got it. Is that your question?

You're not on trial in Communist China. Everything's fine. This is who I am. This is what I've been charged with. I wish to apologize for my behavior. It's all cool. Your name again? Christine.

Yeah, Christine, that's cool. And what's up, Christine? You don't have to read off a paper. Well, I kind of have to, because I'm a little nervous. Okay, don't be nervous, we're all friends here. Okay, so this is something that I've thought about when I listen to the podcast.

I like the way you guys interact with each other. If you could create a mashup of the ideal person named Skonomat, name some of the physical and personal traits you would pull from each of your beans. Parenthetically, as you make your selection, please keep in mind that Sona reigns supreme

in her current existence. Therefore, you may want to borrow more readily from that herpene. Okay. I love you, Christine. Yeah. That was a great college entrance essay. The people at Brown are going to be very pleased.

Parenthetically, well, I agree with you. I think it's a really good question. I think it's a great question. I don't know. I want to be kind here. Oh, no. You know what? Sona has the quality that I wish I had,

which is I'm very uptight, and I care a lot about everyone else. Are they okay? Are the other people all right? Sona has this great ability to kind of tune out if other people are upset. I thought you were going to be kind. It is.

That's really kind. You're chill. I don't give a shit about anybody else. No, no. You have that. You're relaxed. You like yourself. You're in tune with the universe.

You're chill. You don't care about others like a Bundy or some other killer. No, I just think I really do. I think you have a great spirit. I would like your spirit of calm. I'd like to be able to, you know, be calm enough to, you know, take a few edibles before I went to bed at night.

Yeah. Instead of the communion wafers I nosh. Oh, no. You're quite handy. He's a handy gentleman. He's not handsy. That's different. You can't be handsy anymore, but he's very handy.

I've seen he builds amazing things around his home, cabinets, right, light fixtures. I think you're a good guy who knows how to build things. Where's this going? We're so nervous when you say nice things about us. I know. No, no. I wish I was someone who had a very quiet life like Matt.

Not a lot of other distractions. Fame and fortune have... No, turn me into this universe where I can't sit at home and build a little birdhouse that looks like Jefferson's Monticello to scale. So that's my cross to bear. Those are the qualities I would borrow from them and I'd probably keep my keen intellect

and massive pompadour. That's what I would keep. There. Have I answered your question? No, yeah. You got to put you in there, too. What's that? I said the hair and the keen intellect.

Oh. Yeah. And the sexuality, the raw sexuality. Thank you very much, Christine. Thank you. Christine. All right. Should we hear another...

Yeah, we've got another pre-recorded voicemail. Hey, Conan. Oh, my God. You're so cool. Oh, man. I love your shades. You know, you're in a blacked out theater and you're wearing sunglasses.

This is how I can see their prescription. Their prescription. They are. Okay. Do you want to borrow someone else's glasses with us? They're fine. Thank you so much, man.

You can't see me? I can see you. You can see me all right with the sunglasses, right? Oh, yeah. Okay. I've been listening to your podcast every single night before I go to bed. Not that you put me to sleep or anything,

but it's just... No, I got the message. But... When hot chocolate and most prescription medicines don't work, you want to listen to Conan O'Brien. Got it. No THC chocolate for me. Anyway, I have to ask.

So, facing the 2020s in this time, if you were to picture yourself in your mid-20s right now, how exactly would you be able to break out into the industry as it is today? No one would ever hear of me. I guess what I'm asking is... I would die in complete obscurity. If you were to be viral in any way,

would you be the first viral thing that you'd be known for? I think I'd be in pornography, probably. So syphilis would be your virus? Matters of fact, right there. Matters of fact. No, no, I'm just saying. That's a way to... You know what I mean?

You know, you got the goods, you know? And I think... Oh, God. This is a family show. It's awful. I'm an awful person. I'm an awful, awful man. That's a really good...

Matt Gurley, Conan, you guys are amazing. Can I answer your question, wearing your sunglasses? Is that okay? Can you come forward, please? Yeah, come on. Yeah, I'll give them right back. That was incredible. This is me.

The year is 2020, and I am now 22 years old, and I've just come to LA. My name's Conan O'Brien, and I'm rocking these glasses. And I'm the coolest badass anybody's ever seen. And so I'm making a lot of viral videos, because that's what people do now,

and it's going absolutely nowhere. So I moved to Oklahoma, and I've become a farmer. I honestly don't know. I mean, I think, you know, I think one of the things that is so difficult now is there were a lot of things that were... that were hard when I was getting started,

which is there were so few ways to break in. But if you did break in, you felt, you know, quite fortunate. Today, the good news is that everybody can make a viral video. I'm saying a video and put it online. And then the flip side is everybody can make a video and put it online. So it's just the yin and the yang of it.

It's a really tricky thing. So I do have sympathy. I admire and respect all... There's so many young people out there that are making really funny. My kids are constantly showing me stuff that someone did on TikTok, someone did online, that's absolutely hilarious and brilliant,

and it's someone who made it in their basement. Whether that leads to them, you know, becoming famous or a known person in the entertainment industry, I don't know, but I do think it's a huge advance that people can do that. And there's so much talent out there. Unfortunately, you got to really be patient and look for it because there's a lot of terrible, terrible stuff.

And the good is always rare. It's like the definition of really good work is that it's rare. So I think we just have to keep that in mind. But are you interested in being in this business? My next job is going to be a TikTok star. Security. Security is going to take you away now. We do not tolerate any TikTok stars here.

You're going to be incarcerated. We have time for one more? All right. Time for one more? Hey, how are you? Oh, my God. I don't typically get starstruck, but I've been your fan since I was 12 years old.

Oh, that's so nice. Cool. Thank you so much. You are one of my three celebrity crushes. Please don't mention the other two. I'm being serious because I've had women come up to me and go like, I swear to God, I have a hall pass, it's you. And then they say the other person and it crushes me.

Okay. Okay. It just crushes me. So I don't want to hear who they are. Let's not cloud our fantasies with those miscreants. Who needs them? I hear they're impotent. It's just you.

Maybe it's me and a slightly younger me and a slightly older me. Okay. I love you. Oh, God. What? Oh, come on. It's not like my wife and daughter are at this show. Jesus.

All right. So I wanted to ask you, what's a moment you can recall and the entirety of your life that just made you think I'm so glad to be alive? It could be a really banal moment. It could be a milestone. What's the first thing that comes to mind? Wow. Remember your wife and my daughter are here.

You know, the first time I saw my wife and then envisioned my eventual daughter, I knew it was good to be alive. Good answer. Good answer. That's number one. Okay. Now I get to go home. Now that that's out of the way.

I get to go home. That's the important thing. No days in again for me. They're twice a week. I'm sent to the days in. I get it. And they're not a sponsor. I get there on my Chevy.

I have to say, it's such a profound question that I don't think there's one moment. I am good. As they'll readily tell you, I have a ton of flaws, but I am a very grateful person. So I do. I remember one moment in particular stands out. I think I was 24 and I was working at Saturday Night Live and it's Rockefeller Center, Christmas time lights. I'm a kid.

I have a job there. I leave. I hail a cab and I remember I rolled down the window and I just saw the tree and 30 rock and knew that I worked there and it was Christmas time and we just wrapped up a show and I had a sketch on it. And the overwhelming feeling I had was I won the lottery. This is pure luck. I was very grateful and I remember then thinking never be bitter.

Just don't be bitter because a lot of people have success. They really do. A lot of people have... I think the most shocking thing to me in this business and just in the world in life is that I meet people that have had incredible good fortune and they're mad and they're unhappy and they think they got screwed somehow. And I can't tell you... We have a society that elevates these people and you see them on billboards and you see them in magazines and you think their life's so great and so many people are unhappy and I just think it doesn't matter.

My grandfather was a policeman in Worcester Mass, directed traffic, got $55 a week and you know what? All he ever said was I'm the luckiest person ever and he just had that attitude and he wasn't. There's much more than that. I wish he were alive and I would tell him that right now. Do you realize how little $55 a week is? I bet you could stay at the base.

I want in for that. The first thing I'm going to say to him when I get to the afterlife, do you realize how little that is? That's shit! Sir, you've got to leave heaven now. I'm not leaving heaven. Anyway, that's a really nice question. I'm glad you asked it.

That's a sweet question. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Let's hear it for the two people that make our podcast so great, Sonoma Sessi and Matt Gorley, yay, seriously. You know, that's my life now. Wherever I go, wherever I go, anywhere, kanakai! We're going to wrap things up now, but I want to thank you all for coming out and seeing

Conan O'Brien needs a friend and I do need a friend and I love that all of you are listening to the podcast. It means the world to me. Let's take it on home, everybody. I'm going to go back to school, bring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, book some pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Walk with me, Susie Lee, through the park and by the tree. We will rest upon the ground and look at all the books we've found. Safely walk to school without a sound, safely walk to school without a sound. Numbers, letters, learn to spell, nouns and books and show and tell, play time, we will throw the ball back to class, through the hall. Teacher marks our height against wall, teacher marks our height against wall, here we go. We don't notice any time pass, we don't notice anything, we sit side by side in every class. The teacher thinks that I sound funny, but she likes it when you sing tonight I'll dream.

I'm in bed, silly thoughts run through my head, about the bugs and alphabets, when I wake, tomorrow I'll bet that you and I will walk together again. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. You guys were great, thank you very much for coming out, come on back some time. Conan O'Brien needs a friend, with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes,

incidental music by Jimmy Vivino, take it away Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Bekdon, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brick Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message, it too could be featured

on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Year Wolf.