Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Live with Will Arnett at the Wiltern Theatre

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

Actor Will Arnett feels absolutely ecstatic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Live from the Wiltern Theatre, Conan is joined by Will Arnett to talk about having the best voice in show business, portraying GOB on Arrested Development, and what made Norm Macdonald the gold standard in comedy. Plus, Conan takes live voicemails about his celebrity emergency contact, working through a breakup, and more.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

My name, my name is Will Arnett, and I feel absolutely ecstatic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Folders here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Barley at Cinnamon Sessia! Now you don't understand, I'm accustomed to that reaction every day. I wake up in the morning and I look in the bathroom mirror and I get that kind of response. Looking back at this Irish kisser right here, but this has got to be insane for these two. I'm gonna be crazy.

Yes. Yeah, do you want to get out of here? Yeah, let's go. No, no! First of all, I'm a vampire, this is my blood, and I have not had the sweet sustenance of a crowd for a long time. So God bless you, and thank you for being here. Yes! Very nice, thank you.

Thank you very much. I believe that what started out, how long ago, Matt, like three years? Three years in about two weeks. Yeah, three years ago, and oh, you got a groupie, Matt, that's fantastic. Hey! Wow. Oh, that's my sister-in-law. Oh, no, don't say that.

That's cheating. Matt, that deflates the whole thing. And why is your sister-in-law going, Matt, Matt! Because we're doing it right in the Lund family. That's an obscene gesture, stop it. No, this is quite unusual. It started out as a lark three years ago. We were just having fun.

Sona was looking for another way not to work. Oh, that's nice, thank you. Pretty much true, pretty much everything I say is true. Yeah, everything you say is true. And then it leads to this, a sold-out crowd of 65,000 people at the Wiltern Theater. Wow. Oh, and up a row, you're allowed to cheer too, don't feel like you can't cheer. Yeah, exactly.

Thank you. All right, thank you, thank you very much. I love you too, sir. Now, listen. It's important to remember that this is a podcast. Now, yes, many times I've gone in front of a live crowd, and it's just been liquid sex as far as I'm concerned. Oh, man.

Hey, you want to get out of here? No, no, no, stay, stay. There's more. All right. My point is that I go out in front of live crowds, and it's very exciting. This is the first time I've done a podcast. Now, the podcast, people are just going to be listening to this in their cars, right? Yeah.

Or wherever they are while they're jogging, they're going to be listening to this. This is an audio experience exclusively. You've figured this out. You finally figured out what a podcast is. Thank you, thank you. It's always nice to have two dicks on either side of me when I do a podcast. We're a ball and two dicks. My point is that I come from a visual medium, so I would use to play to a large crowd like this,

but I can't play to the crowd because people listening won't understand that. Right. But that's the great thing about podcasting. There are no rules. You can do whatever you want. Yeah, you can dance if you want to dance. I just, I don't know. I'm sorry.

No, I don't want to dance. Dance. No, that's not right. No, no. Dance. Dance. Now listen, everyone driving in their Prius right now listening to this shit doesn't know what just happened.

He's stripped, nude. I dance. People don't know that I took off all my closing. Did I just say closing? Closing. I just said I took off all my closing. We had Manhattan's backstage. Anyway, no, that's the thing I'm talking about is that has no appeal.

Right now the people listening to this are annoyed that I clowned around in front of one of the largest crowds of maybe 750,000 people. Yeah. But I think people are filling in the blanks. It's theater of the mind. They know you're dancing and they're imagining it and it's better than it could ever be. Yes. Imagining me dance far superior actually seeing this angular body, disproportionate, overly

long legs, tiny torso, no ass to speak of moving around like a marionette that's been electrocuted. So no one wants to see that. I've spoken about that ass before. There's something there. Your sister-in-law just left. She just stood up and walked out. She went from, hey, Matt, I'm here too.

I've got to go in about 35 seconds. That's fair. No, this is very exciting. And I also want to just give, this is a great moment for me too. I don't get to see these guys much these days because Sona gave birth to twins, twin boys. And just how long ago, Matt? It was very recent. A month and three days ago.

A month and three days ago. I gave birth. Matt Gorley was the first man to give birth. You want to see my stretch marks? No, but this is fantastic. I love that. This is the first time actually you've left the house. I asked you, are you going to be okay coming to this and doing this live show and leaving

your wife and new baby at home? And before I even finish the sentence, he said, yes. Yes, I am. And I'll stay for six days. I don't mean to be like indiscreet out of the bat, but I've been shat on by this child in a way I didn't think was possible. It was like, it happened and there was nothing in between the baby and me but a foot and a half in like in a movie when someone gets shot and they don't know they're shot and

I just looked down and it was all over me. And it was just warm. Yeah. I've interviewed some of the greatest minds in history. Yeah. I've had for 30 years, I've talked to everyone. I've talked to some fantastic people and now I'm here talking to you. It's up there, isn't it?

Diarrhea on your chest from your baby. I'm sorry, I'm done. And in front of a sold out crowd of maybe 1.6 million people. Sona, what's your experience with these twin boys? Yeah. And I ask for pictures every day from Sona. I demand pictures. Yeah, I send you pictures constantly.

I do. Huh? Armenian dating site? Whoa, give them time. They're fetuses, you creep. I think the gentleman in the audience, and by the way, everyone in the audience, I just want to explain this to the people who are listening right now. It's, as I said, a massive audience.

Everyone is wearing masks. Not because of COVID, but because the laughter we feared would be too much. And when I do a show now, the laughter is such that people have to wear, and this was long before COVID, have to wear cloth or strength. These are laughter dampeners? Laughter dampeners, which are only needed for me. Wow. Very few other comedians need them.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Sona, tell us about your experience. It's great. There is a lot of shit, but it's twice as much shit that you probably have. It's also a lot of spit up. Okay, but let's focus on what about the mystery of creating life and what's your relationship

with these two beautiful humans? The only two things that YouTube has talked about so far is excrement. Yeah, we haven't talked about urine, though. Yeah, a lot of pee. All right, no, no, no. And then because they're boys, when you take their diaper off, it's like a stream of just piss just coming over. As where girls are more like a bubbling geyser.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it's like a fountain with the boys. Whereas here it's like a lava flow or it's a teeming stew. Yeah. Yeah, kind of a bog. Yeah.

Yeah. I talked to President Barack Obama about six months ago. We talked about historical corollaries to what's happening now. But this, this we say for the live show. President Obama was in town and asked if he could make an appearance and I said, I'd love to, but we can't fit you in because I've slaughtered in six minutes for shit. Children shit. Talk to us.

I think what we should do to kick this show off is just to put some wind in the sails, get things started in the right way. I want to throw at you guys a few of the reviews that have been coming in for this show. Is that a good idea? This always makes my, my, my skin crawl. This, the idea, I'm very thin skinned. The idea of, and I've talked about this a lot on the podcast, the idea of being criticized, frightened me.

And then I chose this for a living, which is absolutely absurd. Yeah. The most public way to be humiliated and the most subjective, maybe art of all. But anyway, go ahead. Let it rip. Well, that's why I think we're going to do this the right way because I've pulled five-star reviews. In fact, it's hard to find anything that ain't a five-star review.

This is what you, here's a, this is what's great. Surround yourself with people like this and you'll have a very happy life. Yeah, go ahead. Um, this is from no question mark. Uh, and this is five stars and the review is what does Conan think about right before he goes to sleep? That's the review of the podcast. That's a good question.

So this person clearly is thinking about them falling asleep while they're listening to the podcast. They love the podcast. They love the podcast, but they want to know what I think about before I go to sleep. Yeah. I was curious too when I read that. Uh, I feel like a lot of things you probably think about, right? What are you talking about?

I don't know. Why are you answering my question? It's such a personal question. You're like, I know this one. What do you think I think about? You're an overthinker. I feel like you would think like, Hey, that joke I said in 1996 didn't get as many laughs as I wanted it to.

Yeah. Yeah. It was 1997 and it didn't get the laughs. I thought it should have gotten. Uh, I do, I do, that is true. I do go over, I tend to go over things and this is true. I'm constantly reviewing things that I did during the day that didn't go as well as I wanted them to go or something that I thought was funny and it didn't quite work as much

as I wanted to. And I will conjure up things that were embarrassing to me from years and years ago. And what I do is I violently in, I'll be in the bathroom like brushing my teeth and I'll just think of a moment where I totally missed it or I said something that didn't land and it didn't work and I'll go, shit. And my wife hears that. She hears me and I'll be like fucking off. Oh my god.

And so when we lived in New York City, another true story, you're not late folks. Don't worry about it. Um, no one's even going to notice. No one's going to notice. Oh, those are my other sisters-in-law. Yeah. The good thing is you're sitting up front. Um, let's hope our tickets are in back.

It says here, row A, seat A1. Um, anyway, glad you got here. My wife and I, when we lived in New York, lived in an apartment in a building called the Majestic on 72nd Street and we had a, our bathroom, I didn't know this, but I would be in my bathroom and I was more intense back then than I am now, but I'd be doing the late night show and I'd be at the kitchen, I'd be at the sink in the bathroom and at night something wouldn't have gone my way and I'd be like, god damn it, come on. Come on, let's go.

I used to talk to myself like a drill sergeant and be like, come on, you can do better. And the weird thing is, foam from the toothbrush is coming out of my mouth, so it looked like I have rabies. And I'm looking in the mirror going, god damn it, come on, you're better than that. And my wife just learned to put up with it. What we didn't know is later on we moved to LA and the woman who lived across the street, she said that, oh, my mom lived next door to you in the Majestic. Oh, wow.

And she said to us at one point, she'd hear you guys fighting. And it was just you fighting with yourself? It was me alone. And she'd be like, yeah, she kind of heard you guys fighting, but I'm glad it all worked out. And my wife was like, that's, I'm not even there. That's Conan alone with foam coming out of his mouth going, god damn it, come on. Come on, you can do better than that. Your wife is living in an M Night Shyamalan movie.

Yes. Shyamalan. Yeah, but an early one that has a good ending. Let's move on. Okay, this is titled A Review. This is by Graham111111. And it's A Review by Graham11111. I think this will make sense.

Five stars. Hi, I'm Graham and I'm 10. And my mom listens to this all the time when we take long road trips, which is a lot. And I guess I don't get what's happening, but it makes my mom laugh a lot. I like that because she loves to laugh. Oh. Isn't that nice? That's really sweet.

It is, huh? But what's wrong with this kid? Why doesn't he get what's going on? You're going to cry, Graham. You know what I mean? This is going to be me tonight in the bathroom. God damn it, Graham, come on. It's not rocket science, come on.

Well, I think that's very sweet, Graham, and I'm glad that I make your mom happy. And, you know, just really listen carefully and pay attention next time. Oh, why do you have to ruin it? Well, the kid's got to know. It was so sweet and you ruined it. No, I did. I really. Yeah.

Thanks, Graham. Thanks, Graham. 111111. Well, I did sort through. What? It took me a long time. I searched and I searched and I found a one-star review. Oh, no.

Don't. I'm sorry. Really? Yes, I found one. And I think, I think in like full transparency, we have to give equal time to all reviewers and I just wanted to read. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Okay. That's probably who wrote it. All right. Yeah, I'm sorry. We work hard on this thing. Who would give this? I think we do a pretty good job. I could see not loving it, but who would give this podcast a one-star review?

Well, it's someone named Belissimo Italiano. All right. The title is lacks a certain Savoy affair and it's one star. I don't know. What kind of asshole would give us one star? It doesn't make any sense. I really don't. I wrote that review.

Okay. Okay. Okay. His name is Jordan Schlansky. Worked for me for maybe a quarter century and I don't know what you've ever done for a job on my show. Jordan, did you really give our podcast one star? I did.

Okay. Well, would you care to explain to people why you think it deserves only one star? Sure. If you're looking for insightful discussion with famous people and fun banter between likeable coho, sure, it's fine. My issue is with the title of the podcast. You made a very deliberate choice to call this Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Now, myself is an introvert who studies human societal interaction.

I consider this title at best misleading and in fact exploitative. You are appropriating the notion of social isolation for your own personal gain. You don't need a friend. You're going to dinners with Timothy Oliphant. And I know you and Oliphant walk into your restaurants like you own the place. Meanwhile, I also know you're holding the wine glass by the bulb instead of the stem, like some kind of animal. I know you guys sit there all sophisticated, but your greasy fingerprint are all over the glassware.

I haven't left my house in two years. I need a friend. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you throughout the court, throughout the course of human evolution, there were times where if you didn't have social contact, it was a matter of life and death. As a Neanderthal without a strong tribe, you would not survive. Now, I think that is quite enough. Jordan, we'll pick this up later.

Jordan Slatsky, everybody. A guy who literally, literally, and I'm not kidding, did nothing at my show for 25 years, can walk out in front of a crowd of, I'm guessing, at least conservatively 400 million people at the Wilton Theatre, and he's greeted like the greatest matador of all time in Madrid. That was amazing. That was cool. And he had a point. Let's do this, boss.

What happened? You know what's funny when hecklers are wearing masks? Not hecklers, but people that are shouting out encouragement and stuff, but they want us desperately to hear it, but they're sitting about eight rows back and their faces are wrapped in gauze. Yeah. So all we're hearing is, And that one sounded like a dying little match girl on a street corner or something. My guest tonight is a hilarious, in quote, actor

who starred in the Emmy Award-winning series, Arrested Development. And the Netflix series, Bojack Horseman. He currently co-hosts the very funny podcast, Smartless, alongside Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Well, it takes three of them and one of me. I'm excited he's here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, we are next. I tried to take longer coming in for the intro. I tried to delay it as much as possible just to soak it in.

How's that working for you? Working really well. Hi, everybody. You see, that's what you do in an audience. You say hi, everybody. Hi, and you try to relate to them, Conan. And by the way, you don't do this by yourself, just for what it's worth, right? Thank you.

Thank you. No, I'm sorry. I consider, these are orange obstacle cones I must get around. Wow. In every episode, I must navigate my way through the perilous traps that are laid for me by Sonam of Sestian and Mr. Matt W. Gorely. I got a new middle name. I just gave that to him for nothing.

You know, I'm fully aware of that. There's a magic here that I absolutely love, and you are familiar with the magic too. You have it with Sean Hayes, Bateman. Yeah. Let's admit, Bateman is the weak link. Well, I don't like to think of him as a weak link as much as sort of dead weight, but... I mean, at least I wish his face was more delightful. He's always got a grimace.

He legitimately, this is actually legitimately true when we've talked about it. He doesn't realize sometimes that he looks like he's mad. I'll say to him, what do you think your facial expression is right now? And he'll say, I'm happy. And I go, you're like this. You're grimacing. So he's convinced himself that he's got to go around the world kind of like this all the time. Just to get to normal.

Yeah. But you know, you guys, how did this happen? Because you put together this fantastic podcast, and I know how that's done. But... I like when audience gasps in horror. These are people that pay to come see us, and then when I speak, they gasp in horror. I know. It's a sick thrill for them.

I know. They're like kids that went to see an autopsy. What? They're both repelled and intrigued. No, but I'm curious, you have such a great chemistry with these guys. I know that you and Bateman have been friends for a long time. Yeah. And then Sean Hayes, you guys must have been friends as well.

Yeah, Sean and I are old friends. I actually was thinking about doing a podcast, because everybody's doing a podcast. Seems like anybody can, right? Well, I love your podcast. This podcast is one of the podcasts I really enjoy. What? Say it the way we rehearse. Okay.

This podcast is one of the ones I really enjoy. You're like one of those elevators in a foreign country. Flower number three. But I did your podcast a few years ago, and I thought, well, this is easy. No, I did it. We had a lot of fun, and I was already thinking of doing one, and I made the mistake of telling Jason that I was going to do a podcast. And then he and Sean had dinner on the weekend, and they called me on Monday, and they said,

we're doing the podcast with you. Right. And that's how that happened. Right. Do you feel like you carry more of the load? Yes. Next question. Let's open it up to the audience.

No, no, Jake. No, it's really funny. So this is how I first heard about your podcast almost a year ago. When did it come out? It started about a year ago, right? Yes. Okay. Whatever.

Who cares? July 25. You know. I don't really pay attention to stuff. Yeah. Everything I touch just turns to gold. So I was someplace, and I was talking to a group of people, and these people came up that said, no, and they said, oh, my God, we heard about you on the podcast Smart List.

And I said, oh, that's Will with those other guys. That's how I always think of it. Sure. Yeah. And she said, oh, my God, and Stephen Colbert was on the show, and he told this story. And I went, uh-huh. Yeah. And this is me.

I'm standing. I remember exactly where I was standing. I was in Santa Barbara on a street corner, and this couple said to me, yeah, he told this story about how you went skiing. Stephen Colbert said he went skiing with Conan O'Brien, and I said, that's true, we did go skiing together. We happened to be on the same ski mountain at the same time. We found out that we were there.

We hooked up, and we started skiing. It was really fun. And she went, yeah, and he told this story about how you got on a lift together. And I said, yeah, we rode a lift together, and she said, and then he told this story about how the lift got halfway up the mountain and got stuck, and you really needed to relieve yourself. This is the way the podcast is going today. I don't know why.

It's unbelievable. You just gave them a bunch of crap for talking about, and now you're... I'm quoting your podcast, man. Okay. Conan, that's disgusting. Would you just clean it up a little bit? Sorry, Matt. But anyway...

It was on art. He is quoting my smart list, which is wherever you get your podcast. Stephen told the story about how I defecated on children. I'm on the lift and defecated on children below, hitting them with feces. And he said, your feces came out like Cheetos. Yeah. Like dry? Yeah.

So anyway... Brightly colored. I'm listening to this, and I'm laughing really hard because I know that what Stephen's doing and it's all like, this is a good time. So I'm laughing really hard, and the people look at me for a while, and they went, so it's true, right? And I didn't know what to do at that point because I was stuck between saying the obvious thing, which is, no, that's...

I would tell the same story about Will or anybody else. It's just, we do that to each other, so I know exactly what Stephen's doing. Of course I didn't do that. That's insane, but I could also see that they loved the story, and it was one of the most amazing things they ever heard. So I look at these people and went, yes, yes, it's true. Wow. Wow.

And I said, it's a thing I do. And they were totally freaked out. Oh my God. So all I've done is perpetuate. Because you wanted to please those people. Yeah, I wanted to make them happy. You want to make them happy, and you didn't want to tell them that Santa wasn't real in that moment.

You know, I envy you for not much, but... God, it was so close to a couple of them. No, no. It always turns. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. Oh, here it is.

I think you have one of the best voices in the business. You've got pipes. And one of the things that I was reluctant to do a podcast, you know, I was kind of reluctant to do a podcast because I've never liked my voice. I'm not a fan of my voice. Ditto. I thought we were being honest. No, it is so good to have you here.

It's great to be here. It's so good to have you. It's great to be here. Yeah. Anyway, we all know that my voice can be a little reedy and at times annoying. You have this amazing, you have this amazing, I mean, first of all, you're our Batman. I think you're the only Batman now. I really do.

I put you above Christian Bale. I think you are the Batman. I don't care that you're Lego Batman to me. I don't even care. It doesn't matter to me. You are Batman made of Legos, but you are Batman. Thank you. Lego Batman.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, thank you. It's very kind of you to say. Toy Batman. What's that? Toy Batman.

That's a toy. Yeah. Still. But still, I still consider you Batman of the toy category, but still. Of the Lego Batman. I defy anyone to be a better Lego Batman than you. But you're leaving the room in case there is. There might be other people out there.

I'd like to hear them. I'm not familiar with others, but 40% chance. Bring it. Okay. What the? If you are complimenting me. Yes, I am. This is as good as it gets.

Thank you. If I were you, I would grab this. Yeah. Take it. Grab this coin and shove it in your pocket. Yeah. It's tough, right? Yeah.

You guys, you guys know, because I've seen and I'm going to give the audience like a little bit of a clue what it's like behind the scenes working for Conan. It's a nightmare. Yeah. And these poor people, they are prisoners and this is a true story. Just before the show, Conan got a coffee delivered to him and then he told his assistant to fuck off and. Not Sona.

This is David Hopping. No, no, no, not Sona. I would never talk to Sona that way. No, no. This is David Hopping. To be fair, this is David Hopping who's filling in for Sona. That's right. I would never say that to you, Sona.

No. Never. This is the way I talk to David Hopping. Right. You told him, fuck off and get out of the room. Fuck off. Get out of the room. He did.

Yeah. And you did, but you did not look at him. No. No. Of course not. It's a guy bringing me coffee. I'm going to look at him. Jesus.

He's never seen him. What a dick. No story Colbert could make up about me would be worse than the stuff I say about myself. I know. Although, you bring up an interesting point. I think I've talked about this on our podcast. When people say, I love when people say, nobody, I mean, you know, it was rough, but nobody's going to be rougher on me than myself.

And I always think, give me a crack at it. I bet you'll be rougher on you than you'll be on yourself. I'm not a mean person, but it's just, it's for fun. Well, this is something we have in common. And to be honest, I think, let's be honest here for a second, that finally you and I are, I'll speak about you, genuinely nice, very genuinely nice person. I like to think of myself as a genuinely nice person. Hold on.

Hold the laughter and jeering. But I love to pretend to be the worst guy in the world. And so there have been many times, I don't know if you've had this, but there are many times where I have totally fake lost it on people. Like David Hopping did come in, and he's the sweetest guy in the world, and he went in, and he came into the room in front, and you've met David Hopping before. And so he came into the room and he went, oh, come on, here's your coffee, and I yelled at him, and he went, yes, yes, yes, and he bowed and like walked out of the room.

And you know that I'm kidding, David knows I'm kidding, I know I'm kidding. But occasionally there have been other people around who've seen it, and they've been like, that guy's a monster. And I worry about them. What do those people think? Because they don't know. You understand, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've knocked food out of my hand so many times that every once in a while there's a person who you'll look over and he'll be horrified that you did that. We were taping the podcast the other day on Sunset and Gower, across the street from Sunset and Gower, and we're taping it. And I hadn't seen Sun a little bit, and I come in and she looks so beautiful. She is such a, and she's showing me, and I miss her. I haven't seen her. I don't see her in person as much now, and it's such a nice moment.

And we hug, and she's showing me pictures of your kids, and it's just a nice moment. And then you took out a bar of some kind, like a health, like a healthy granola bar. And we were having this really nice conversation, and you were chewing your bar, and there's two-thirds of the bar left, and I swatted it out of her hand, and it exploded against the wall. Perfect. Beautiful. Right?

Up top. Oh, high fives. Oh, me too. Okay, cool. Up top. Come on, get it on this. This is fantastic. Oh, everyone's gonna high five.

Yeah, there you go. Well, yeah, because it's exploded. It's a great bit. It's a great bit. It is. It's so clever. And by the way, if you're at work and you're dealing with somebody and they come out to you with something really important, swat the paper out of their hands.

It's a great bit. And we used to do it to this writer on this show all the time, and he'd come in and he'd always have notes after every take. This guy, Tucker, and he'd come up and he'd go, hey, guys, and I walked by, I slapped the paper, and walk out, and he'd be like, oh, fucking, you know, and it adds, like, at the end of the day, it adds, like, two hours to the day. Andy Richter. For 28 years, we'd be doing a late night show, and we'd be on the road, and we'd be in front

of a crowd like this, and we're in a different city, and big guests, and it's a big deal, and Andy Richter would always do the same thing. He'd walk up behind the stage manager, Steve, and he knew which button to push. He'd push one button, which would detach his giant rig belt that held everything that a stage manager needs, and it weighs about 40 pounds, and Andy would just walk over at some point in the bands playing, and in front of everybody, and he'd just go, and the thing would go, ka-ching! And I laughed hard every time for 28 years.

Of course. That stage manager took his life. Took his, not Andy's life, took his own life. No, his own life, and left a note that said, because of what Andy did with the belt. That's kind of funny. I think it's even funnier. I mean, if you're looking to, you know, to heighten the joke, if this is a good opportunity for me to do a sona, congrats on the babies.

Oh, thank you so much. Very excited. And Matt. Thank you, thank you. That's really great. Yeah. That's great for you. Thank you.

Yeah. That's cool. How's it going? How does it feel? Is this the first time you've been away from them at night? No. Oh. Oh, you sound like a terrible mother.

Sona has spent three nights at home with the children. No. Are you serious? Yeah. I still go clubbing all the time. Oh, yeah. I forgot that you love clubbing. She hangs out at a bar near the airport, and, uh, so I can't certainly agree.

You call them your little gentlemen? They're my little gentlemen. I love that you dress them up in, uh, little outfits. Like suspenders. Clothes. You mean? What is she supposed to do? I love the way she dresses.

My, my, sorry, my wife and I, this guy's a genius, huh? We're told. Last week, he was interviewing Barack Obama, apparently. Yeah. And now he's complimenting people and putting clothes on their kids. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Barack Obama was nude when I interviewed him because he knows what I know, which is that time spent without clothing is very good developmentally is not scandalous. This is how he wanted to do it and I wanted to do it. You'll read about it. It's in all the papers. The papers. The papers. The papers.

Instead of saying it's all the papers, why don't you just say I'm old? You could have just said, I'm constantly, I'm constantly on the podcast, constantly saying things like, um, did we get to that on tape? You know? Is that on tape? What do they say on the papers? But you know what? It's a great point.

Does any, how many people here actually read a physical newspaper, put your hand up? Not that many. No. Wow. Like eight people. This guy does. Wait. His wife's.

And two of those hands were skeleton hands. His day just. Oh man. That's how old. Oh man, that's how old. You can't laugh louder than that. I know. His own can.

You need to laugh, Dampeter. This is so. Oh. Skeleton hands. Wow. God, this is so sad. Oh, he's on the ground. Hang on.

Oh. He's on the ground. Hang on. That's how old they were. Hang on. Let me just get a photo of this. Just a reverie of my own humor. He's on his back.

This is me swimming in the amniotic sack of my own humor. Keep going, Conan. Oh God. Oh man. I'm such, I'm a little fetus and I'm covered in the warm nutrients of my own sense of humor. I got it. Now the humiliating crawl back to the chair in front of a silent crowd. I will sometimes, my stupid jokes delight me more.

I mentioned this, but Sona and I were getting up late to eat, what, a year ago or something? Yes, a year ago. And we were across the street from the hospital and suddenly I saw two men running down the street pushing an empty gurney. You know? They had an empty, they had an empty stretcher. They were going to the hospital with a stretcher, but no one was on it and I went, oh my God, the invisible man had a stroke.

I laughed harder than you. Much harder. And I said it. Then 20 minutes later I'm like, invisible man had a heart attack. It's a great joke. It's one of the best jokes ever. Well, I don't know about that, but it's a good joke. Try to find the internet to find a better joke ever.

I just won. Results are in. I just won. Wow. I just won. It's a decent joke. I thought you were going to say you went and got on the gurney. No, no.

That takes some kind of effort. Look at it. That got real after Barcelona. It's like two seconds, I already punched up your joke. Oh, yeah. You like that better? She loved that. Oh, that's way better.

No. The invisible man thing? Yeah, invisible man had a stroke or heart attack. And then you texted that joke to me six hours later. Yeah. Yeah, okay. You should stick around more often. Yeah, I know.

I do it every time every day. I want to tell you what, you guys ever want to come over on the smart list? Yeah. I think we'd be ready to do that. Yeah. We'd love to have you guys. We'd love to have you guys. Yeah.

We'll do it. Maybe tomorrow or tomorrow. Hang out with that frowny pumpkin bateman. He's going down. No. No. No. He's, how do you describe that for the listener?

You're on a bicycle. I get on my back. Yeah. And then I'm like a bug that's on its back and my legs and my arms flail as I roll in the warm, nurturing fluid that is my own sense of humor. How many, now this is, for a lot of people, I'm taking a lot of polls of your audience because I'm trying to connect with them. Sure.

How many people, this is your first night out since all this BS started. And how is it? Pretty good, right? Yeah. Everybody else is like, no. They're like, this is what we decided to do. This is my first night doing anything, like going out and doing something like this in this way.

Yeah. That's really nice. Yeah. And we're lucky to have you. And I wouldn't do it. I did it because I love you and I think that you're hilarious. I can say that and give a compliment, try to teach them how to give a compliment. I want to give you a compliment and not that this is that, you know, we're just going

to trade compliments here, but you are one of the funniest people I know and you, since the second I met you, you and I, all we do is horse around and act like complete idiots with each other. We're never serious. No. Really? We joke around constantly. There's never a serious moment.

I mean, I've known you for so long and we both commit 100%. Just what happens anytime on the old, old show back at 30 Rock or the new show or whatever, or here tonight, what happens is Conan's here. I show up the second we are within earshot. One of us catches a glimpse. We start doing bits and then we end up in a room and invariably we ended up in a room, just the two of us and everybody else leaves. Yeah.

Because we're insufferable and we're loud and we won't stop doing this and it's bits and bits and bits. Yeah. And I wanted to pay you another compliment, which is my son is a huge comedy fan and loves, he's got great taste in comedy and he's 16 years old and this is just a couple of weeks ago he said to me, okay, I've been thinking about it a lot. Is there any character that's ever been funnier than Job on Alrestra Development? He wasn't saying that because he knows that we know each other.

That was an analytical comedy brain saying that might be the best, funniest character ever. And I actually think he might have a point. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's nice of him to say, nice of you to say, I had the benefit of working on that show, you know, Mitch Hurwitz, whom you know, is a brilliant, brilliant writer. And week after week, those guys just teed me up and just gave me huge softballs right

across the plate. It was unbelievable. It was such a delight and, you know, I was so blessed to be able to play that character and fuck around in that way illusions and got the one thing wrong. Your audience is so dumb. That's my frothing in the mirror. That audience is so dumb, so dumb. But it was such a fun, it was such a fun experience and such a pleasure to be able to work on

that show. And I was the beneficiary of working with so many awesome, it seems like one of those things that actors say, but it's true in that case. It's such a great cast and everybody was amazing. But you know the key to me is, and this is something that to me makes a big difference is when a comedian is very skilled, but also they're 100% in as an actor. And I think very few people commit as well as Will Arnett. When you are being a horse's ass, when you are being Job, when you are playing a part,

you are in 100% and you have the gifts of a really good actor and you have the intensity and you will go in, but you're on a segue and you're a bad magician and it's all bullshit and your ideas are terrible, but you are 100% in. And to me that is the magic of what you can do that I think is very difficult for people to pull off. I love the idea of a character who is so out of touch with who they are. That to me, there's nothing, I talk about this a lot and I don't think I'm alone in this, the idea when somebody who is really dumb and really confident, that is such an

intoxicating elixir for me. And so I am drawn to characters who have zero self-awareness. And yeah, because they're committed to that thing and they have no idea where they fit in the world and there is, people would say to me all the time, well, you play assholes and I say, no, I don't play assholes. I play characters who are not right. So there is a through line whether it's Job or Bojack, Bojack is a guy, again, I'm the beneficiary, Raphael Bob Waksberg is an incredible writer and he had such an incredible vision

for that show and for that character and for where he came from and where he went, blah, blah, blah, actor bullshit. But it's also simultaneously true and that was, again, a character who was, he had an idea of who he was but who he really was was fucking miles from that and it was Bojack more than Job, Job would never be able to understand who he is, he'll never get there. He's untethered from this world, he doesn't understand how he tied his shoes, like he could look at his shoes and go, my God, who put those on there? You know, Bojack, his problem was he started, it all started to dawn on him and when it

did, it was like, it was a cascade of sadness. Anyway, really bringing the audience up, let's get real. Let's get real, real, yeah. I'm not understanding, I'm understanding very little. I think he said chicken dance, right? Yeah. Look, there's a rubber chicken in the audience. Oh, yeah.

I thought he said, I'm near death. Those are the things I hear. That you think? Yeah. And when everyone crowd was like, woo, I'm near death, is he hanging from up there? Yeah. God, you really packed him in here, Cone. Yeah, we did.

We got a great loyal following and people that came out. I mean, but in my opinion, there's no tear better than that second tear up there that feels neglected. We were talking a little bit about, about podcasts before, let's talk about the podcast space. Yeah. Now you're going to do some live podcasts, probably in a much smaller crowds than this, but my point is, when you go out and it's whatever, 99% equity waiver theaters, when

you guys are out and you're talking to those little groups and when they're getting Teehees and stuff. Yeah. My question is, you can probably, you're probably learning a lot right now from me. Sure. Well, this is like, you're like a guy who, you're watching Michelangelo, Pain is Stealing, and you're thinking, hey, I could do that too. Well, first of all, it is fun being in this intimate setting.

And that's going to be, you know, it's nice. And I think it's a cute crowd and cute crowd. This is the largest. This is a cute crowd. This is a repurposed, this is a repurposed aircraft hanger for these spruce goose. We have upwards of 55 million people in here tonight. And I saw, you didn't see what I saw. I watched Will walk out.

He had no idea. He thought, oh, Conan and his chums, his whack pack, his gang of kooks are doing a live podcast. Yeah. This is an afternoon drive show. It is. Right? Oh yeah. It is.

Wonka, Wonka. And anyway, you thought, oh, I'm just going to walk out there. There'll be maybe 30, 40 people. You see the largest gathering of human beings in recorded history staring at you. And I saw the blood drain from your face. I saw a pure panic on your part. It's true. I did.

I did go. You had no idea you were walking into this. No, I had no idea. I, yeah, you could probably tell I'm blown away to, we are, we are going on tour though. You are going on tour. Yeah, we are going on tour with the, with the smart list podcast, wherever you get your podcast, but, um, and get it one week early on, wondering, but here's the thing. Because that's not a big deal.

But we are, but it is lag time. This thing gets right out. I mean, we, we cook this muffin and we get it right to the consumer piping hot. You make a muffin and then you hang on to it for a week. You keep it in your jeans. You keep in the back seat of your Toyota Corolla. It gets cold. And then you say to people a week later here, you take this.

I can't eat it anymore. That's the wonder way. By the way, you just described your show as a muffin. So a delicious muffin. Who doesn't like a muffin? Everybody loves a muffin, a piping hot, delicious, fresh muffin, not some muffin I selfishly kept to myself for a week. Anyway, go ahead.

This couple down here, they're arguing about whether they like a muffin, you're like, you do love a muffin. And she's like, I hate muffins. They love muffins. They missed the whole thing. What? The muffin that Matt's had in his pants. Oh, oh, okay.

Sorry, I opened that. Yeah. Well, let's just hope they're ubering, but, but I would say like, do you sure? I don't know, and, and doing this podcast, have you guys done a live show before? No, this is the first one. This is the first one. Yeah. We chose you.

We chose you. No way. We chose you. Out of all the people you could have had, yeah, I all joking aside, you were the top choice for me. What? Yeah. You're very, you're the, you're hilarious.

I wouldn't choose me. Hold on. Yeah. We did it. We did it. We did it. Yeah. But this is doing the podcast is such a different, this has been such a different experience

of here, here's what I will say. I didn't realize how much fun you could have doing a podcast until I came and did it with you guys. You guys, that's true because you guys are really, really funny in the way that you guys talked and that it was so loose and it felt like a, it felt like the perfect transition for you from the show and I've done the show, your other show in various incarnations over 30 times over the years. Yeah.

And it was always a lot of fun, but doing the podcast, this is the perfect thing. It was like, this is the natural progression. Well, also, I think for, for comedy, yes, I think for comedy, yes, we would always for years and years and years do comedy and you have to do six and seven minute turns and then you got to turn it around and you got to change gears and then ramp it up again and say, okay, we're back and some great things can happen and a lot of great things did happen and I loved it, but the great discovery of this, this beautiful discovery and I know that the podcast had been around for a really long time and I would listen

to them and I would really like them as a comedian, think realizing that you can go on a riff and you can find things and I can talk to you for 45 minutes for 50 minutes. I can talk to someone for an hour, things, things don't have to have this very short, concise bang. They can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Why aren't you breaking eye contact with me? No, it really, it really is a nice discovery. Well, we like when you go and you do the show, if you do like a late night talk show, everybody,

I don't know how many people know this, but you work with one of your producers will call and in your case it was Frank Smiley would call me and sure, Frank, yes, Frank Smiley. Love Frank Smiley and you do a pre-interview and so you talk about stuff like what's going on in your life, has anything fun happened and you're, you know, usually those are the moments you realize like I haven't done anything. My life is so boring and then you come on the show and you end up talking about stuff but and then you have six minutes to interview me and then you're like hitting all these bullet points and if you hit three of them, you're happy and if you get six laughs, you're

even happier and then you're out and it's done and it's so weird and this is such a great way to actually sit around and have a conversation and get to know people and yeah. It's really, you know, it's funny you just, when you were talking about that, you just reminded me and of course everyone's been thinking about him a lot lately, Norm Macdonald, but one of the, the reason I bring up Norm is Norm, you were describing everybody was following the same rules as a talk show host which is okay, you've got to come on, you've got to come up with three or four stories, they've got to have a beginning, middle and

then pay off, it's got to be something that really happened to you. Norm was this Picasso who decided the eyes don't have to be where the eyes really are, the nose doesn't have to be, he blew it all up and he would tell stories that were completely fake. I know. They were a hundred years old, they were corny jokes and he would just tell them like they happened to him and I remember the first time he did that, me talking to him and thinking okay well he's got these different, you know, I don't know what we're going to talk about

here and he'd come out and go like hey how's it going, and I'd be like oh Norm what's going on with you, I bought a farm, I'm like what, you bought a farm, he'd be like yeah I bought a farm and I've got three daughters, each prettier than the next. And Andy would be sitting there and Andy's from the Midwest and he'd be like wait a minute I know this joke, this is a joke my grandfather told me and he'd be like one has a peg leg, the other has an eyepatch and the third one, she had a wheelbarrow and it's just a joke. And he would do it and he would dress it all up and I would think you asshole. That's the most genius thing in the world because who really wants to hear what a celebrity,

you know we're all like well I should, there is that funny time that I overtipped a little bit, I'll tell that story. And he was like no one wants to hear that, they want to hear a joke from 1911. He was like watching him on your show was the gold standard of and he was one of those guys I didn't know Norm at all, I wish I had, I'd never met him but I would hear all these great stories, I remember watching him on your show once years ago, it was the dumbest bit where he was doing something and Andy, he made some terrible joke and you went what? And Andy went what?

And he goes listen to this guy, he's been downloading mail porn all day. Like apropos of nothing and Andy's like what? I heard the funniest story, we can cut this from the podcast so it'll just be between us but I heard the funniest story years ago. So right around the time that my space and I would, stories about Norm you just want to absorb them because they're always so funny and as funny as he was on shows and stuff he was just funny like that all the time evidently out in the world. So he, years ago when my space was a big deal and you put all your money on it, I remember

you sold your house and you put everything. Do as I do. Do as I do. I'm sleeping in the alley tonight outside the theater. So Conan parked my car when I got here. So my space was a big thing and the first person to really monetize it or figure out a way to use it to benefit their career was the comedian Dane Cook who's fine. I don't know the guy at all and he's fine but he had really kind of made a name for

himself by getting followers on my space. So I remember Sadegas told me that he was going up to 30 Rock one day to just rehearse on SNL or something and he sees Norm downstairs and Norm says hey Jason, who's hosting the show this week there and Sadegas goes, oh it's Dane Cook and Norm goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy's a genius and Sadegas goes, oh yeah, and he goes, no, no, no, a computer genius. That's such a funny joke, that's so funny that he's just in the moment. Here's another one, I just heard this.

Don't tell anybody I told you that. This is one I heard recently because when he passed away you heard all these stories from all these people but Norm liked to bet, you know, Norm liked to, he liked to gamble when he liked to bet and he borrowed $200 from someone and then the guy, the person kept coming up to him and saying, hey, can I get that $200 and he's like, I don't know, and in that Norm way kind of getting out of the room and shambling away and all angles and elbows and the guy kept asking him for it and the guy went, hey, come on man, that means a lot to me, I had 200 bucks, I want my 200 bucks, hey, you lost 200 bucks, I lost $5,000,

leave me alone, got yelled at the guy, you think you got problems, I got bigger problems. What's amazing is people don't realize is that Norm at the time in the 90s when the OJ trial was going on. Well, let's be clear, we're not cheering the OJ murder, let's just be very, I'm gonna, we're cheering Norm's heroic comedic response to that terrible event, there you go. We're on record having said that and so he's on the show and at the time the guy who was running NBC really wanted, he was friends with, evidently was friends with OJ and wanted Norm to stop.

So I think maybe a bunch of people here might be too young to appreciate how much Norm's boss was telling him to stop making jokes about OJ and he was told, you gotta stop and that weekend Norm comes down and he goes, he's on weekend update, he says, it turns out the Los Angeles police department admitted today that they had planned to frame OJ Simpson for those murders until they got to the crime scene and it turned out he did it. But also, he just doubled down, and then he would stare at the camera, he would stare at the camera and hold, which is this incredible middle finger in comedy, incredible, turns out he did it and he would stare at the camera and even if the crowd wasn't laughing he would

stare at them like, you heard what I said. Yeah, and his job was on the line. Yeah. Well that's a big, that's a point that I try to make again and again and again is that there are a lot of people who talk about being brave in comedy and bravery and I think, no. There are risks of falling off a segway, but no, it's rare, it doesn't happen that often but Norm is one of those people and it doesn't happen that often, people that their careers are hurt by the chances they're taking.

Their careers are, he would do things that would get in the way of him advancing in show business, whether it was his stint on the SVs or what he did at SNL, he would do things that would impede him from moving up the ladder and there are a lot of people that don't take any risks and then get credit for being brave and that's where you lose me, Will, you know? Oh wait. I'm sorry. Oh wait, you're talking about me?

No, no, the different Will. You're talking about Ferrell. I'm talking about Will Ferrell, yeah. Yeah. He's the worst. He's the worst guy. He's such a monster. Mr. Nice Guy.

I love the people who listen to the podcast can't see their face so they don't know. They don't know. They think we really do hate each other. We hate each other and we hate Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell is a good guy and then, yeah, then you, I guess. Someone wants to talk to just Sona now. Sona, what did they ask you? They said, how's your baby?

Yeah. How are your babies? Oh, how are your babies? I thought they were just asking about one. I thought that is so rude. How is one of your two babies? Hey, I had a baby too. That's right.

I didn't, again, I didn't, I didn't have the baby, just to be clear. Well, listen, you've been a delightful friend and human being to come out here on our first live podcast when you've got other things to do. And I will, I will go on record and say this is one of the funniest people I know. And every time we hang out, I get so giddy that my wife has to probably just pretty much calm me down afterwards because I behave like such an ass and you're delightful. You're a really great friend. And I'm also very, very happy for the success of your podcast and you guys are killing it.

Thank you. Thanks, man. You know, thank you for having me. Yeah. And just this is a very special man, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for Mr. Will Arnett. Mr. Will. It really is true.

The minute he showed up, we were doing, we were acting like fools backstage and didn't go over anything that we were going to talk about. It's one of the least professional relationships I've ever had. Yes. But still, he's a delight. Definitely. And then you get into each other at a restaurant and then it just becomes like this riff off. Like, eh, let's...

Well, hold on. Okay. What we do together is not just, you know, I can't believe you reduced it to that. I'm sorry. Seriously, who is looking after your children tonight? I'm worried now. My mom and dad are. They're, you know, they're...

My parents are always over. Gill and Nadia. Yeah. Gill and Nadia Mofsesian, the two best grandparents in the world. Yeah. They're great. They're killing it. Margie, because you have this amazing community of people.

Yes. That family that has swept in. You have not even held these children yet. No. They're... Seriously. Every time I call her, she's relaxing. She's in the hot tub.

She's chilling. She's having her Margie's. That's what you call your margaritas. I think it's lame. Margie's my... Yeah. But... And your gummies and whatever you're having.

Okay. Your gummies with Margie's, which seems unsafe. But you just... I gotta say, it's amazing that you have that much help. We have a lot. I mean, tax parents too come over often too to help us out. I mean, between my parents and his parents, you're right. We just, you know...

But also, I have to... I don't know what my kids look like. I want to say, and I mean this sincerely, you always think I'm making fun or something, but I'm not. You are. I'm not. There is something about the Armenian community and the way of them coming together and they are...

They are just rock stars in the way that they help you. I'm sorry. That did not happen. And when my children were born, Irish people were like, ah, good luck with that. Ah. Ah. Pyro. More.

What is happening? Yeah. I think it's because you have a family of pirates. Yeah. That's a few rotators for us. No one helped. No, no, no. A family stepped up to the plate to help.

We were left alone. The Armenians help each other. We do. We also don't move away from each other. Right. Sona lives... Their houses are all on top of each other. And it's not an apartment complex.

They're actual houses that have been stacked like a Lego's, just one on top of the other. Right. Exactly. Yeah. That's good. I don't... Did you want me to improv with you? Sure.

Yeah, a little bit. That house is right now? You're getting paid, you know? Okay. Whatever. Yeah, houses stacked on top of each other. Yeah. Let's just let her go on this.

Let's let her go on this. Okay. Yeah. You're good. I'm not the improv one. So what is it you do? I don't know. Honestly.

That's the beauty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the beautiful thing about Sona, and there are many beautiful things about Sona, is that she's always Sona. Whatever happens in any situation, she's always 100% herself. And most people are changed by an experience. Not Sona. Thank you.

So that day, I ran into Kumail Nanjiani recently. And he reminded me of the time that he wasn't able to make it to our show. And so with the last thing, when we put you on. Right. And here's the thing. You do that with anyone else. It would change them. The lights in the camera, and they would get self-conscious and all this weird stuff would

happen, and they would be different or afterwards to be saying, they'd be checking out online. What do people think? It all blew up. Sona was super famous. Didn't care. I don't like super famous. You were like, get me my weed. Get me.

I want to go home. I want to watch Jigalos. I didn't say that. I want to watch one of my shows like Flip Flop or Flap. Flip Flop or Flap? Whatever. At least, whatever. Desperate ladies.

I want to watch that. I don't know what that is. All right. Well, you better take control here, girl. All right, boss. It's time. We got to pay the bills. We're going to head over to the lecture.

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to help you sell more stuff, male chimp, built for growing businesses! Male chimp, it's a friend of mine! This is a true story, when we started doing the podcast, someone said, here's the problem, Conan, you may have to read ads. I read one, and I said, what's the problem? This is the most fun, I think I have more fun doing the ads than anything. They went to the sponsors and said, here's the problem, he might want to read your ads. Yeah, yeah, after that.

And then they would say, oh, remember Fracture Prince? Fracture Prince was this company, I mean, I'm sure it still is, good job Fracture, anyway. They stopped buying ads with us, I wonder why, but anyway, I started having a blast because Fracture's whole thing was, you don't want to have a photograph on paper anymore, you want it reproduced on glass, that's the best way to have a picture, and so I decided I was going to sell that concept so hard, so I started doing ads where I'm like, either day this old woman started showing me a picture of her grandchild, and it was on paper, and I said, get that piece of shit away from me.

And I knocked it out of her hand, and then I chased her down the street, because I thought, why isn't this on glass? Fracture puts things on glass! The other day, someone showed me an original copy of the United States Declaration of Independence. And I wiped my ass with it, because I was like, why isn't this a Fracture Prince on glass? I would lose my mind doing those, I would get so worked up. What happened?

I don't know. And they don't buy ads with us anymore. No, because you do their ads for free time and time again. Yeah, you save Fracture all the time. I know that's the other problem, is I would get so tickled with it, I do stuff like that. We're not getting paid for any of those, that was just for fun. And they're like, we don't have to pay this idiot anything. If we have a name like Magoosh, he'll just say it over and over and over again.

Yeah. All right, well, we've got one final treat this evening, and we're going to take some voicemails from some callers here on stage. Let's do it. This is very exciting. Our first caller is Ben from Toronto, Ontario, and you're live on the air. Hello. Wow.

Hi, Conan. Hi, Sona. Hi, Matt. Hi. Hi. Hello, Ben. Ben, where are you right now? Sorry?

Where is he calling from, Toronto? He's from Toronto, Ontario. Incredible. It sounds like he's in the room. It's an amazing connection. From Toronto, I originally am from Australia. Keep in mind, this is a voicemail message. This man, he's just incredible, this guy.

The things that he foresaw, the chances he took with his voicemail message to sync up so exactly with what we were talking about. Sir, how can I help you? So my question is, throughout the podcast, you've made a lot of celebrity friends. So my question is, who would be your celebrity emergency contact? Oh, that's a really good question. That's a really good question. I'm going to say, all jokes aside, I actually became good friends with Timothy Oliphant,

who's a terrific actor and a wonderful person. And I would, I think I would put him down as my celebrity contact because, uh-oh, what? I mean, I felt like the obvious choice would have been Barack Obama. He's not. I don't think he would come. I don't think he would show up. No, he wouldn't. Look, he's a great figure, but no, if I put Barack, if they call Barack Obama and say

Conan fell on his bicycle when he was on San Vicente and, uh, his knee's a little messed up, he's not going to do anything. He's not going to come. I was thinking, like, if you went to jail and, like, he's not going to do anything if I go to jail. Yeah. Okay. He's going to say, wait, who?

They're going to go Conan O'Brien. And he'd be like, oh, yeah, what does he want? He's in jail. No. No one's even going in the room to tell him that. Okay. No, I'm going to say Tim Oliphant. He's a great guy.

He's funny. He's a great guy that ever lived. Yeah. He'd come into the emergency room. Everybody would suddenly get all excited. I'd look cool because Tim Oliphant's my friend. Yeah. And he'd really care about me because I brought him up on the podcast as my best contact.

Would he come? Would he take care of you? He would. Tim Oliphant's that kind of guy. He would do it. Okay. You know, and for all the nice stuff that Will and I said back and forth, he's not going to come either.

Yeah, I don't think so. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's busy talking Bateman off a ledge, you know? So, he got screwed out of Teen Wolf DVD, you know, it's whatever. It's on a big deal. The residuals, they run out after time. You shouldn't still get paid, you know?

Yeah, I'm going to say Tim Oliphant. But thank you very much for your wonderful message. Thank you, Ben. Thank you. All right, next caller is Addie from Tempe, Arizona. Hi, guys. Hi. What's your name again?

It's Addie. Addie. A-D-D. A-D-I. Oh, A-D-I. Okay. It's half of my full name. Got it.

Yeah. Because I'm not really from Tempe. I just had to write that so I don't get deported. Well, don't worry. We won't disclose your current location, no. This is just a voicemail. We're not tracing this call. Well, so my question was, if the three of you were born in the Dark Ages, what would

each of your roles be? And who would die first? Can I say honestly, I know that Sona would kick ass in any century because Sona's tough. I mean this. That's nice. Because I was going in a different direction. No, no, no. You would, I don't care, whatever century, whatever situation you're born into, you would totally,

first of all, you never get sick, ever, ever get sick. I get sick all the time and I'm constantly having to go to the doctor just because I'm doing shows. I have to go. I have to go get this shot or I have to get that shot or I have to go take some medication. Sona's always like, just bite into some garlic and suck it up. That's what we do in Armenia. So shut up.

And it works. I think, I put my money on you, I think you would probably do fine, Matt, because you'd be like some snake oil salesman. No. He could build anything. Yeah, you'd tinker and build things and you'd sell people elixirs that don't work and then you'd move on to the next town. I think I'd be killed immediately for being such an annoying fuck.

You don't think you'd be like the minstrel bard in a way just to say? No, I'd be the minstrel that danced around a little bit and then the king within eight seconds. Yes, yes. You'd be murdered. Off with the Zed. Yeah. It would be Game of Thrones red wedding.

Just 50 arrows would all hit me in the crotch from various spots. So I think Sona would do best in any, and I do believe, I'm not just saying this, I think, I do think, and I say this about my own wife, she's just much stronger than I am in every way. I think you win. Okay. Yeah, I think that's his weird skills, his potions and his powders and his strange wizard hat that he would make out of felt.

You'll get by and be just fine. And then there's me killed immediately by an unamused king. But don't you think the lack of tweed will impede gorelly? Oh. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes. And chill tweed's invented.

He doesn't really come into a fore. Thank you for listening so regularly to the podcast and for understanding what a strange fringe weirdo gorelly is. Thank you, sir. I appreciate it. Thanks, Addy. Thanks, Addy. Thanks, Addy.

Addy lives at 329 Riverside Boulevard in Tempe, Arizona. All right. Up next is Sandra Santos from West Covina, California. Oh, Sandra. Oh, nearby. Let's listen to this voicemail. Sandra. Hi, guys.

My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. Oh. Yeah. But we decided to attend the show together to lift our spirits. Oh. Oh, no. Um. What?

Go to the standing. You. Wait a minute. Was it a bad breakup? Not it. There's no good break. Yeah. It was a bad breakup.

Are you here with him now? Yeah. He's up there. Whoa. Oh. Why is he up there? And you're down here. We needed space.

You broke up with this guy, but you decided that you were going to come to see the live podcast. Yeah. But then you sat separately from him. Where are? Where is he? He's up there in the nosebleeds. What's your name?

Brett. Brett, come down here now. Brett, come to me, Brett. Brett, I've been where you are, man. Come on down, Brett. I see him moving. Yeah. Here comes Brett.

Brett's coming. It's going to take a while. Brett, this is going to take, we're going to need some editing on the podcast because he is at least, he's at least a quarter mile away from where I'm standing right now. Yeah. It's going to take a minute. Are you comfortable being in the same spaces as Brett right now? Yeah, I feel safe.

Okay. Well, I'm here too. So. No, I don't mean in that way. I'm clearly asexual, but I'm, you know, you're, you're, this is a good space. Is there anything you want us to help resolve this conflict? Well, he's, he's moving to Chicago because he doesn't like L.A. Right.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, the crowd is churning on Brett, who right now is making his way to the stage, but he entered in the moments between when the crowd cheered him and the time it's taking him to get to the stage, the crowd now hates him as someone who ended a relationship just to get away from the shithole that is Los Angeles, a town that everyone else here has embraced. So now Brent is in a perilous situation, Brent, would you please step up to the microphone please?

No, wait a minute, we're going to give him a chance Brent. First of all, please approach the microphone and tilt the microphone up so it's facing you now because you're quite a bit taller and then you can adjust the height as you each speak, sorry to really get it so granular and that's the way it is. Thank you for explaining that for me. That's okay, Brent. Brent, who initiated the breakup? It was mutual.

It's never mutual! Sandra. Yes. Was it mutual? No. No. Whoa! Oh!

Oh! So, Sandra, you wanted the relationship to continue? No. Oh! Oh! Wait a minute, how did I become Jerry Springer? Yeah. I worked really hard on a comedy career.

Jerry! Jerry! No, no, no, no. No. Thanks. No, no, stop. Sona, Sona, don't do that. I swear to God, this is horrifying.

I crafted a comedy career day in and day out with great care and precision and now I'm here with you two and it's- I'll come down to this. Yeah. Yeah. This is terrible. Okay, so what can I do? Is there anything that I can do?

What do you want from me? Well, originally, I wanted to see if you could sing a song for us as a fun farewell to him, but in lieu of that, if you have any advice, that would be good too. I'll go with the song. Can we wrap it up? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, guys, you know what?

I'm going to do that right now. I'm going to wrap this show up with a song for this lovely couple. You'll understand what I'm doing. We're going to also, after that, wrap up the show, but I want to give it up for two people who really do make this podcast possible and then make it really fun. Matt Gorley. Stand up, Matt. Guys, you should know something.

Matt busts his ass working on the podcast. He really makes it sing. He does a great job. I give him shit, but he's terrific. The one and only Sonamov Sessian. Best mom in the world. Not a great assistant. Sorry.

No, you're terrific. You were great. All right. I think I'll just end it with a song, right? Should we do a song for this couple? And you know what? If this doesn't fix your relationship, well, it won't because I'm not a musician. Anyway, let's try it.

No, I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song. I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song. I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song. I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song. I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song. I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song. I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song. I'm not going to sing Kokuru, which isn't even a song.

Thank you. This has been a Teen Coco Production in association with Earwarp.