Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Livin’ The Dean

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

Conan chats with Dean in Florida about being a professional sand sculptor and what moment in history Conan would change to benefit himself (and only himself). Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey there, Dean. It's Conan. It's Sona. Hey Dean, how are you?

Oh my god, I'm amazing. It's so surreal to meet you guys. I'm a huge fan for ever Conan, Simpsons Nerd, Gorly, Gorly and Russ, Super Ego, everything you're doing. So nice. Your integral parts of the podcast, and your episode of Conan Without Borders was really powerful. Wow, thank you so much.

Oh my god. Oh, what an opening. I love you, Dean. Yeah, Dean, you just won Best Opening by any fan on the, or actually, I'm going to include all celebrities too. Yeah, yeah. You know, it would have been nice if Obama had said half those things. Yeah, he just made fun of you.

Exactly. Yeah. Which turns out to usually be the right move. That was very nice of you, Dean. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Where are you coming from? I live in St. Petersburg, Florida. I was born and raised in Central Maryland, and I am a professional sand sculptor.

Wow. Wow. Let me get this straight. So, people hire you to make a sand sculpture on the beach. Is that the idea? Not always on the beach. So I'm part of a team. Fantastic is who we are.

Hey. Okay. So it wouldn't be a sand sculpture without a painfully annoying pun. But yeah, so I joined, Santa has been around for about 30 years. I've been on the team for about 11 years, but we do everything from tabletop sculpture indoors to hundreds of tons outside. We do a 35 foot tall Christmas tree in West Palm Beach every year. Wow.

So a wide range of events. So break this down for me, obviously, is the beach the most common place where you do the sand sculpture? Yeah. I mean, I'd say, but surprisingly, I'm probably only on the beach about 60, maybe 70% of the time. Wow. And so the rest of the time, you're bringing truckloads of sand to a venue.

And then how much do you prepare beforehand for what you're going to make? How much do you do any sketches of what this thing is going to look like? Do you think about it? Yeah, sometimes. A lot of times it's a lot of corporate events, so it's usually our logo, nice and central, and then some dancing fish or whatever they would like. When we're dealing with sketches, there are so many variables when it comes to a sand sculpture that to do a blueprint can be a little iffy sometimes.

But for instance, if we're working for Disney World, they will actually provide us with one of their artists' sketch of what they want us to do. I'm sure, listen, I don't mean to diss Disney, obviously, they're the best. And I know Nat Goorley, a former employee, and probably still wired. Now nest of vipers, say whatever you want. Well, anyway, yeah, Disney would be very controlling. And have you ever been asked to make a sand sculpture of a company that you just found was vile, like this company manufactures weapons that are sold to children in foreign countries

to fight, to rob people of blood diamonds, that kind of thing. And you're like, you know what, I'm not doing this, I'm going to walk. We may or may not have done a Trump sculpture, but this was pre-2016, it was for one of his resorts. Oh, right, back when he was a good human. Back when I was less worried about his effect on the world as a whole. Sure. Yeah, who knew?

Well, we were all Team Trump then, because we thought of him as a great humanist, philanthropist, and free thinker. So anyway, so you did a Trump, now, do you remember making the bust of Trump? I was not on that job, it's just in our log of portfolio images, but as I recall, it was just kind of a big, as you can imagine, big Trump logo, just his name. Oh, I see. Oh, just the name. Yeah, but guess what?

I haven't thought not big enough. Probably not. Do you guys ever cheat? Do you guys, is there anything in the sand sculpting world that's considered cheating? Like you have a form that you're building around and you sort of glue the sand onto it. Like styrofoam. Yeah, like there's a styrofoam form and then you put some glue on it and then you just, you shoot, you fire sand out of it, out of a pressurized hose, and in 11, yeah, and in

11 minutes you have a, quote, sand sculpture. Are you aware of, A, have you guys ever done that? I don't think you have. You seem like you have great integrity. Have you ever seen one of your rivals in the sand castle building business do that? You know, it's to do, to put a structure underneath the sand sculpture, some people think that's the way to go, but it's actually much more dangerous that we have, there was an infamous majab in Macau, China, that I unfortunately, that fortunately I was not a part of, where

they wanted to save money on sand, so they built this wooden structure underneath. But it was just collapsing left and right, and then there's just a void 30 feet down to the concrete. So structurally, just to have a solid compacted pile of sand, that's the best way to do it. For the tabletop sculptures, we will put a foam core. I knew it. I knew it. Well, exactly how the table collapsed in the break.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't think you take shortcuts in this business and then support the table in some way, but don't come to me and say I'm a sand sculpture, but there's a foam form underneath, and we're doing it to help the table. I'm sorry, Dean. This is over. This is serious. Okay. This is the angriest I've been in my life.

Where are you going to get your sand sculptures if you don't go to Sandtastic? This is my watergate. I have lost faith in everything. I have failed my team. I have a question. Have you ever, I think this would be really fun. You know the way a pool shark will hustle people, like wander in and go like, I don't know much about pool, and well, which end do I hold?

Oh, well, I guess I could give it a try and then kabing, kabang, kaboom, klak, klak, klak, and they have just wiping the table clean. Have you ever gone to a beach and you've seen some people making, even some kids making like a child, making a sandcast, and you're like, oh, that's pretty nice. I'll give it a try, but it'll never be as good as yours. And suddenly your sandcastle is 800 feet in diameter. It has a working drawbridge. And it's just the most, it looks like an aerial shot of something in Prague.

It's just absolutely stunning. And the kids crying and you're like, I guess it's easier than it looks, huh? That's my first time. That's what I bring that up. That's what I would do if I were you. You would kick sand into that child's face. I would, because I'm pretty cute all of them. Yeah, because I'm stronger than the child, I'm not threatened by the child.

Right, right, of course. It is pretty sweet. When we're on the beach doing something, well, inevitably I'll see families cropping up, you know, building their own sand sculptures, because they've been inspired and I'll usually pop over and, you know, if I see something's falling, I'll give them some tips here and there. But no, I'm never trying to like trounce a child's sand sculpture. Well, guess what, yeah, you're no longer my hero, because that's exactly what I would

do. Hey, I have, I'm curious about something, which is, have you ever had a, you're on a gig and you're building kind of an important sand sculpture and it looks like it's going pretty well and then it takes a turn and it's like you pull out the wrong Jenga peg. It just completely goes south. Oh yeah, yeah, that definitely happens, you know, you get better with age and practice. I have still waking nightmares about this one job. I was on a solo gig for a week to just trick out this sandcastle for an outlet mall in

Alabama and it was just bad news from day one. Didn't have a tent, it was raining, there was lightning striking in the parking lot next to me. Oh my God. I had two good days where I got a 12 foot castle, I was looking prime and then I popped one form and two days of work just gone in an instant. So I did my best to get it back to where it was, but it never was quite what the client first saw.

But that was years and years ago, another one was I was doing a bust of Ron Burgundy. I was right down at his tie, did one slice across the bottom and the whole face just slipped. Oh, that's the worst. No. But you just got to take a laugh and do it again. I will tell you, I've known Will Ferrell for about 25 years, I know him well and if it's any consolation, his face often collapses.

The whole front, every now and then I go to a justice tie and it just, the whole face comes off. So it just may be something structurally wrong with his head and not with your work. Yeah. Let's hope. Let's hope. I can't imagine having to build a sand castle in the, it just sounds like it's impossible. You can't build a sand structure in the rain.

That should be in your contract that the minute it starts raining, you are not responsible. You walk. That would be nice. But I've spent many a day in my rain gear, almost fruitlessly sculpting. But you can block out things and set yourself up for the next day. I've done sand sculpture while being snowed upon. We were doing things in Maryland and Virginia Beach for, they do like polar plunge events. So we'll do like what we'd call logo mountain for all the sponsors and stuff.

So I've been in some pretty treacherous weather still doing sand sculpture. Dean, do you ever, are you ever tempted to switch to a more permanent medium? Yeah, like building real castles. Yeah. Or, or, you know, you're obviously a talented sculptor. So working with say granite or some kind of stone so that your great grandchildren can look upon ye works and despair. Yeah.

I've done a lot. You know, it's, it's a cathartic experience to put that much time and even if it was one day or a week on something and then walk away from it, but you have your photos and that's kind of all you need. I still have paintings from college that I would love to get out of my closet. So as long as I got my digital photo, I'm happy. Okay. And also what's the life expectancy of a sand sculpture in just say normal conditions?

Say something. Is it, is it an hour and a half? Is it, is it just, do they ever last a day? Have you ever made something so great that you wanted to cover it in some sort of epoxy so it lasts a little longer? We do try and keep it as ephemeral as it is, but we've had sand sculptures stay outside for months. Oh.

What? Yeah. Structurally, it is just wet compacted sand. That's what holds it up and together. When something is finished and some might say this is cheating, but it's really just preservation, we will spray a really diluted sealer on it. I knew it. There, there.

Look at this. My, I am the Poirot, the Hercule Poirot of sand sculpture. What? I am a detective. Okay. Agatha Christie's famous. He just offered that up. He willingly, he offered that up.

You didn't know that. No, I earlier, did you see what I did? So aren't you ever tempted to apply an epoxy that made Dean feel safe talking about it and because of my questioning, my incredible Sherlock Holmesian queries. What we're finding is that Dean uses sometimes a Styrofoam core and, or an epoxy and I think for those reasons you should never be allowed in the sandcastle Olympics again. That's doping. I'll throw my towel down tonight, but it's really just like paint on your house.

So as much as the paint on your house holds it together, it's just going to stand on it. We all tell ourselves little rationalizations. I know. Excuse us excuses. I've done it too. I'll just do this one Viagra ad and then soon that's all I'm talking about and my pact with the devil is done, although I'll tell you, that stuff works. Anyway.

Oh, come on. Hey, what are you talking? How can I help you? Yeah, so what are you talking? Yeah, what are you talking? What are you talking? What are you talking there? What do you have a question for me, Dean?

How can I help you? I do. You know, given your encyclopedic knowledge of history and let's say. I wouldn't say that. I have. I have. It's an interest of mine, but there are many, many holes in my knowledge. Okay.

I would probably do terribly un jeopardy, but at least with that and let's call it your Conan centric modus operandi here, if you could go back in time, what moment in history would you change to benefit yourself and no one else? Whoa, good question. Wow. Wow. That's a really good question. I think I would go back to say the Renaissance and what I would try and do is steer around

the time that Michelangelo is making his, you know, sculpture of what David would look like. Oh, God. A certain, what people call a canon of beauty, you know, a certain standard of what is beautiful. I would steer things. I would do my best to steer things away from that, make a long, lanky, disproportionate body desirable. I would try and make very pale skin, like sickly, pale, desirable.

I would do my best to make sure that red hair is considered a sign of masculinity. So I would do everything to steer things so that later on that became, you know, people are wearing red wigs with pompadours. There's not enough marble in the world. People are, people are adjusting their, having their pants cut so their legs look extra long and their torso is extra short. The Vitruvian man is just you there? Yeah, exactly.

Yes. No. Vitruvian man is me with, I mean, and so I don't even fit in the circle. My legs come out of the circle of a Vitruvian man. So you just nude spread eagle on that wheel there. Yeah. And this whole thing about like, you know, what's the standard for a penis? I'd fix that.

I'd fix a lot of things. Yeah. You know, you know, it would become just accepted as the artistic, you know. You would end his career as a painter. Yeah. And an artist. What are you talking about? Destroy him.

Yeah. He would present that as ideal beauty and everyone would be like. No, I would say. People would laugh at him. No. I would be working with, I would not just be working away at him, I'd be working away at a lot of people and I'd secretly, I'd say, oh my God, finally, I'm going to pay extra for this long legged statue.

And I would do that. I would try and steer the Renaissance canon of beauty away from this stupid concept of proportional well-muscled bodies, penises that actually go straight instead of wildly veering off to the left. Oh, God. What if they called the statue of Conan instead of David? Look, I probably said too much. I'm sorry.

Incredible. Incredible, Dean. This ended terribly. You had a very good question and my answer was the height of nonsense. Yeah, Dean, we've done you a great disservice here today. Yeah. That was bad. I could be no less proud.

This is amazing. But you sound like a very, I love that you're a very creative person. You're an artist and I think it's very cool what you're doing. I really do. Thank you. And if you're thinking geological time, I really believe all statues, they're here and then they're gone and as we know now, politically, statues are coming down left and right because we erect statues to people and then 60 years later we go, wait a minute.

Yeah, you're ahead of the trend. Yeah, and so what you're doing actually makes a lot more sense to me. I think I've mentioned this on another podcast, but I do believe that all statues of all figures should be made of like a very soft soap and then they should have like a five-year expiration mark and then people need to decide, do we keep this statue up? Right. We need term limits on sculptures. Yes, I'm serious.

And so literally the statue is going away and if the person is still beloved, you go no, no, no, no, I still think, you know, and then you, okay, good, let's build it back up again and it lasts another five years. That's my concept is that because this business of it's here for all time, I don't know why Catherine Hepburn is suddenly part of the podcast. But anyway, I think what you're doing is actually correct. It is correct and kind of beautiful that they don't last, I think. The old tire joke is we call it job security.

Very nice. Dean, can I suggest for your masterpiece that you do a sand sculpture of the statue of Conan, the David version of Conan sometime? No, he doesn't have to. Okay. I could. Now that you mentioned that, you know, to preface this, I, the last two years have obviously been horrible and especially in those first six months, I truly leaned on you for emotional

and mental well-being for you guys to continue through everything and keep putting out just joy was such a boon to my happiness. So thank you. I have, I've made something for you. Oh my God. That's fantastic. Look at that. It's a sand sculpture of the, in like a 3D freeze of the logo of this podcast.

That is so cool. It's gorgeous. And you know what? For a second, I'm like, that's my tombstone. Yes. Yes. No. Yeah.

That's it. I mean, whenever my time comes and I hope it's not for a while, that's it. I want it to be a couple of months at most for that to last, so I don't want to make any suggestions. No. Look, I know what Dean's going to do. He's going to, he's going to hose it down with some epoxy so it lasts at least six months and that's about as long as people are going to be visiting my grave.

And then they're going to quickly move on. Well, Dean, you know what? It's heartening to know that you've been out there listening and I know it's been a tough time for a lot of people, but you will persevere, you will thrive and you deserve all good things. And thanks for being so creative and so nice and onward and upward, things are getting a lot better now, Dean. And thank you for making that sculpture. That's cool.

Yeah. Of course. The least I could do is really an honor to be here and meet you guys, definitely. Hey, honor and honor to meet you, Dean. Really cool. You're a good man. You're living the dream, Dean. You're living the dream.

I know you are. Oh, oh. Dean machine. Dean dream. I'm sorry about Matt. There's only so much we can do with him. I'm not sorry about me. I'm getting a ventriloquist dummy soon.

You'll miss me. You'll miss me when I'm gone. Take care, Dean. Thank you. Bye, Dean. Thanks. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely.

Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Beckton.

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