Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Longest Fixed Borders In History

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

Conan chats with Vasco in Portugal about the rich history of the region, favorite Portuguese delicacies, and Conan’s potential as a surfing wingman. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/conan and code CONAN.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Vasco. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hi. Hey, Vasco, how are you?

Doing great. Thanks. Great to be here. It's good to have you. Where are you coming to us from? I'm in Portugal in a little town by the seaside called Edicida. Oh, wow.

It's like 40 minutes from Lisbon. Okay, I have never been to Portugal in my life. Tell me a little bit, first of all, about yourself, and then Portugal. Tell me, who are you? Who is this man named Bosco? Who am I? I am a Portuguese born andco? Who am I? I am born and raised.

Who am I? I wonder. Walk the streets of Lisbon pondering. Pondering and stalking. What do you like to do? Well, the main reason why I moved here was for the surf, so I'm big on that. I'm big on being in the sea.

Come from a family of sailors. But surf is my main thing. Yeah. Other things that I like are photography, video games. I've actually been working in the video game industry for the past 10 years. But since it's a bit shaky at the moment, in between jobs for about a year,

which has been a bit challenging, but it's also been good to kind of like slow down and enjoy the place where I live, spending time with friends. So you're a surfer and you're able to access that inner surfer cool, maybe, even during times of stress. Yes, would you say you're a pretty laid-back, chill guy? Yeah, yeah, I'd say so, I'd say so.

That's, I'd say that's the best compliment I've been given was how calm I am. Okay, okay. So you're a guy that likes to get in the water, spend a lot of time in the water. Do you, listen, Vasco, I'll be honest with you. I fear the ocean. As it should.

I fear the ocean, not because I'm a good swimmer. I like to get in the water, but you appear to have some melanin in your skin. You appear to be someone who could probably get a tan and look pretty good. I don't. Look at me. I can't be in the sun for more than four minutes at a time.

Well, I have Irish blood in me as well. So I don't get tan as much as the average Portuguese. So I feel you that. I'm also covered with freckles, but I think the base tone is a bit darker. So they're not so noticeable. I'm just gonna say it. This guy's just so much more attractive than I am.

You know what? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. But yeah. This guy's just so much more attractive than I am. You know what? Yeah. I'm sorry. But yeah, I was thinking it too. I think we all were. Yeah, no, it's okay. He's a surfer and that's cool and you don't surf. Yeah.

Vasco, would you date us? He's got a cool mustache. Yeah, you've got a really cool- A four way date, that sounds great. You've got a- No. No, forget Conan. Oh yeah.

Just me and Matt. Beautiful. I'm up for it, let, forget Conan. Oh yeah. Just me and Matt. Yeah. I'm up for it, let's do it. All right. So Vasco, I don't know much about Portugal. I'll tell you that right now. I don't know much. What I do know about Portugal is that for a while

when people in the United States were maybe getting a little upset about how things were going here, people were saying, you know, you can move to Portugal and they'll give you citizenship if you just buy some property. But then I heard that one away, they shut it down. Well, I hear they might be bringing it back. And I know that there's-

Yeah, I wonder why. Yeah, well, yeah, there's been an influx of Americans. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Whenever things get shaky in the United States, everybody runs to Portugal. But tell me about Portugal. I really don't's just a coincidence. Whenever things get shaky in the United States, everybody runs to Portugal. But tell me about Portugal, I really don't know much about it. So we have a pretty long and rich history.

So one cool thing is that we have the oldest fixed borders in history. So basically Portugal started by helping the Spanish kick out the moors of the Iberian Peninsula. And they just went from north to south kind of getting them out. And then basically the Portuguese king got to keep that land as its country. And the mainland hasn't changed pretty that much since then. Can I just say one thing, Bosco?

A t-shirt that says, Portugal, longest fixed borders in history. It just doesn't, it's not catchy. Do you know what I mean? You want like land of fun and sun or- These colors don't run. Yeah, well you want, there's great t-shirts for countries. Do you know what I'm saying? But land of longest fixed borders in history.

Yeah. That's, that's not getting anybody excited. That's the name of their national anthem too. Exactly, exactly. It's not that far off. Of all the countries, ours have the longest fixed borders. The latitude and longitude were established in 1220. Wait, it's to the tune of our national anthem?

Yeah, because we got a kick-ass anthem. I'm sorry, I'm not singing another country's anthem. Nice try, buddy boy. I want you to report back to the Kremlin. Sorry, Vasco. But I think we need to know more about Portugal. You can't just say longest fixed borders and we encouraged the Moors to move out.

No, that's not good stuff. You need something better. What else you got? Well, we had the biggest empire for, the first global empire 500 years ago. You've got Cristiano Ronaldo. Pretty much the reason why most people know the existence of Portugal these days. Is because of Cristiano Ronaldo. Pretty much the reason why most people know the existence of Portugal these days is because of Cristiano Ronaldo Does he hang out in Portugal much or is he one of those guys who made it big and then just never ever?

Comes back to Portugal. No. No, he comes back. He's got his his family all kind of shacked up with him in a huge mansion Yeah by the sea, but you ever see him by the 7-eleven, you know in a huge mansion by the sea. But do you ever see him by the 7-Eleven, buying magazines and some beef jerky? Do you ever see, hey, Christian, how are you? What's going on? Does that ever happen? No, no, no, he lives in a very secluded

kind of existence here in this country. You don't really see him. Yeah, I do that too because of my fame in America. I live in a massive compound, surrounded by guards, and I'm rarely seen outside. It doesn't help when you just keep saying no. I'm sorry, I just walk around with you and you're very like, I'm Conan, everybody.

We've all heard about you jogging, and I've seen you in person actually. Sometimes, oh, you saw me in person. The car just crumbled in a second. Where did you see me in person? Like it must have been 2014, first time I went to E3, you were there and you were just towering over everyone. Yeah.

Oh, the E3 gaming convention. I went there to shoot something. So you saw me in person. Were you impressed? Were you like, oh my god, what a Greek god? Oh, aw. I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but could you say that, please?

No. You took one look and you said the longest fixed borders in history. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I think we're even now. But no, I thought someone was kind of cosplaying as a ginger Slenderman.

So that was my first thought. Someone was kind of cosplaying as a ginger Slenderman. So that was my first thought. You know, that's not a bad idea for cosplay for me, Vasco. But Vasco, here's my concern. My concern is that Portugal, when you say it, I know it's an amazing place. I'm sure it is, but I don't, nothing comes to mind. Do you know what I mean? And you're struggling.

You've got fixed borders and Cristian Ronaldo, who you've never seen because he lives in a 9,000 square foot house. Exactly. Well, I mean, what can we say about the Portuguese? I think we're considered to be quite of a melancholic breed. We're quite stoic and serious. Yeah, it's great entertainment.

This is really good tourism bureau stuff. Yeah. Portugal, come good tourism bureau stuff. Yeah, I know. Portugal, come for the stoicism. Stay for the fixed borders. The long faces and the deep stares of people who actually like it that you're there, but they just won't show it. You'll think they hate you, but they may not. Portugal.

No, I think we need, don't you think we need to do something, Vasco? Yeah, yeah. You know, because- That's kind of what- When you think about, when you think about France, you think, oh, you know, bread, wine, cheese, berets, Eiffel Tower. When you think about England, you think about roast beef, the great cliffs of Dover, you know, guys with tall furry hats guarding the queen.

Everyone's got their stuff. What is Portugal? What about port wine? Well, that's more of a British invention. That's what he's claiming. Yeah. I teed that up for you. You could have taken it.

No, we want the truth here. And we don't need, and Matt, we don't need you explaining the essence of Portugal. Well, he's not. To Bosco. So Bosco, what do you think? How do we fix this problem? Well, that's what I was kind of reaching out to you for.

Like we need to kind of establish a potentially offensive national stereotype for Portugal because I think we're lacking in that and I feel like I don't have a place in the world because like when I say I'm Portuguese, people just give me the same blank stares that you guys. Oh, I see. What you want is you want me to create a stereotype

about the Portuguese that creates a lot of, a whole class of Portuguese jokes. Yeah, yeah. Without any sort of basis or knowledge of Portuguese jokes. Yeah, yeah, without any sort of basis or knowledge of the country. Boy, have you come to the right guy. So you're looking for a comedian to shoot from the hip, make up stuff about Portugal that offends everybody

and give you guys an identity. No, we're pretty thick skinned. We can take a joke. So, and we like a lot of dark humor. So I'm pretty sure we can take it. Or you just might get blacklisted. That's one of the. Or beaten.

I might be beaten. What's the food in Portugal? The food is definitely one of the highlights. Oh, well, tell me what the food is, because that's a lot of where the culture comes from. You know what I mean? In Italy, when people maybe want to stereotype Italy, they talk about, oh, my mama, she makes the pasta, and you know, yay, and they talk with their hands and all that kind of stuff. What do you got in Portugal?

We have really good food. Like the main thing would be fish. Most of the people that eat seafood. Fish? Yeah, seafood. Fish? Come on. No, fish. I'm sorry, Sona.

People come all over the world from this. My mama, she making a pasta. She makes a pasta. She making a pasta, yeah. And then I want something from Portugal and I get, you may have some fish. Oh, what kind? Just fish.

This is good, this is working what you're doing. You're stereotyping it. Yes, no, I think maybe that's what I, well I'm serious. In Greece we smash bottles, we drink Uzo, you know, we dance on table tops You know Portugal fixed borders stoicism We've got to do something I think to your benefit we don't put a lot of condiments on our food.

So oh wow. Okay. But it's because the fish is that taste that we don't need to put anything on it. I love the salt and pepper. Yes. Yes. The subtle taste of untreated fish. Hey, excuse me, Portuguese waiter, do you mind if I...

No! Couldn't I have just a little bit of... No! What else besides fish? Well, we have quite a sweet tooth. So we have these, people call them egg tarts, but we call them fish page not. You're not selling it, Bosco! egg tarts, but we call them fish page not.

You're not selling it, Bosco. Egg tart? We're not selling it, Bostos. I'm sorry. They're delicious. They're delicious. They sound. Gather round, kids.

If you've been good. Mm. So what's, Tadia, this great delicacy, this egg tart? Tell us. How is it made?acy, this egg tart? Tell us, how is it made? What's an egg tart? So it's a crunchy filo pastry. It's kind of like a cupcake, more or less, shaped like a cupcake.

Okay, that's better. It's the same size. You're doing good. So it's crunchy on the outside, it's super flaky, lots of butter, and then the filling is this kind of custard. So it's creamy with a little hint of lemon, maybe some turmeric. They kind of bake them so that they're a little bit burnt on top. Then you serve them with a bit of cinnamon and it's okay.

That's a lot better. You just need to change the name. Yeah. Okay. Because you know, kids Halloween ding dong. Oh, yay. Trick or treat. Here. Okay. Yeah. Because you know, kids Halloween, ding dong. Oh, yay, yay, trick or treat. Here's your egg tart. It doesn't work. Do you know what I mean? But what you're describing sounds a little better. We just need to work on the terminology. Why are they giving out pastries at Halloween? Well, because they don't have anything else. Also, a holiday

they don't even celebrate. Yeah. I'm sorry. Do you guys have Halloween? Well, we do because we inherited it from the Americans. Yeah, yeah. Everyone has Halloween now. Maybe it's better in Portuguese. Maybe it's not called egg tarts, but maybe in Portuguese it's a better name. Oh.

Oh, so Eduardo's showing a lot of cultural sensitivity. Boo. What's it called It's called a push stage the not which means cream pastries That's better. That's better. Yes the egg. Yeah, it's good I always take egg out of any kind of dessert or candy most of our sweets are egg based actually But you do have Halloween so it's nice because if if a kid doesn't get an egg tart, they just drop a fish in this.

Exactly. That's how we live it up. I think, I almost feel like the tourism board in Portugal needs help, don't you think? Yes, exactly. We need to come up with some stuff that gives a little boost to Portugal and that people start to talk about worldwide. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Don't you guys have the biggest wave to surf

or something like that? Yes. You're a surfer, you should have started with that. Yeah, do you have the biggest wave in the world? Yeah, yeah, I mean, biggest surf wave, yes, yes. It's this place called Nazaré, it's kind of like two hours north from here. I've seen footage of it. Yes. It's, it's fantastic. It's beautiful. And it's insane. Majestic. Have you ever surfed over there?

No, I don't have a death wish, at least not yet. Um, but, uh, but it's, it's, it's a very impressive to see. I think a lot of these guys are kind of looking for a ticket out. Seems like it. But it's like there's so much water moving and you feel the place vibrating from the energy of it. And it's something that like the videos and the photos are something amazing to look at,

but just seeing it upfront. That's amazing. Now this is something you could, well, again, does it help with tourism to say, Portugal, our wave will kill you? No. What a way to go. I'm trying, I'm looking for stuff.

You've got fixed borders, fish with no spices or condiments, boy, do we got you back. And I mean, and a wave that will kill you, and if you've got a sweet tooth, we'll make you an egg tart. I'm just summing up. We've got problems.

You can come watch the waves and see someone else who might die. Be appealing. Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh. Portugal, wanna see someone die? Have you ever considered working for France's tourism board

as an antidote for people going to Portugal? Oh my God. Yeah, you could be the anti-tourism board guy. Yeah. I think we can do better for Portugal because I know you have a beautiful country. I can tell. We do.

You guys are fantastic. Nothing against Portugal, but you're just not getting the right word out there. You need a salesman to sell Portugal, don't you think? Yeah, yeah, I think so. We're too self-deprecating for that. Oh, okay. I know of what you speak,

but it's time to start tooting your own horn, okay? And maybe even if we have to lie, we could make up some things about Portugal. Sure, sure. You know? Like what lie, we could make up some things about Portugal. Sure. You know? Sure. Like what? Like we could put out the rumor that occasionally

Cristian Ronaldo comes out of his house. Goes to a 7-Eleven. Goes to a 7-Eleven. He starts offering the custard tarts to everyone. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Are you a good surfer? I've done it for a while.

I'm not a pro, but I can hold my own in pretty much any condition. I'm going to tell you something. At my age, I've never tried to surf. I have very long legs and a very high center of gravity, which I think doesn't help me, plus a total lack of coordination and a lot of fear. Those things I think have gotten in the way of my becoming a surfer. Could you teach me to surf, do you think? I'd be happy to, yeah. I think you'd be quite useful in the water. You think I'd be good? He said useful. Not necessarily good, but I like a raft.

Yeah. When you said useful, I thought you said youthful. Did you say useful? I heard useful. So how would said youthful. Did you say useful? I heard useful. Okay, how would I be useful in the water? Well, your impressive height would be a great beacon to know where to sit to pick up the waves. And then I think your constant craving for attention would allow you to engage with all the other surfers, distract them from the waves, and then I could just catch more waves. It gets pretty cool.

Portugal. Need for attention. Would they even be excited to see him? Cause if everyone's so stoic, would they just be like, all right, Conan's here. Would they even care? Oh, they would be like, come on, funny man, say some jokes, you know.

I can get that at home. It's my wife and kids. So I like that. You would take me to surf because I'm a beacon, and I would be an distraction. That would be, that's terrific. I'd be happy to teach you, and I think it'd be a great victory

if I got you to stand up. Can I ask you personal questions? Are you in a relationship right now? I'm not. OK, guess what? I'm a great wingman. I just want to tell you that right now. No, I am.

I'm a really, you doubt that? I'm a really good wingman. People come over to see what is that. What is that thing? And then I say, and this is my friend, and they're like, oh, it talks. And I say, and this is Vasco. And then I say, and this is my friend, and they're like, oh, it talks. And I say, and this is Vasco, and then you're in. It talks.

What do you think? I like that approach, yeah. I think it might work. So I could take you out, I could be your wingman. Yeah. What do you do? Do you ever, do you hang out with other surfers? Yeah, yeah.

So like I live in this little kind of cul-de-sac and there's a nice wave right out front. So it's like I'm three minute walking distance from the beach. And yeah, we kind of made a community just from the people who surf there and we all surf together. One of them is actually Irish,

which I thought you might think is interesting. Nope. And no. No. No. You got to know that you surf with an Irish friend and then, but you guys all hang out together after you surf? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We used to kind of go over to each other's places to kind of do a little bit of a recap and have some beers. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. See? Maybe break out an egg tart. Yeah. Yeah. A fish with no salt or pepper on it.

Yeah, that's great. And I'm just curious, so would I fit in in that world? Like maybe we spend a day surfing, then we go and we hang out and we have something to drink, we have some beers and we hang out with the other guys. Is that what happens? Yeah. Yeah. If you speak the lingo, yeah, I think it'll fit in. You mean if I speak Portuguese? No, I mean the surf lingo. Yeah, the Portuguese won't help. hurt either but I mean more like the surf thing. What's the surf lingo? You know like it's like you're shredding it or you got shacked or is so gnarly or you got like completely toasted

Okay. Well a bunch of those things have happened to me, but I wasn't surfing Did report it. Vasco, you seem like a very nice guy. Yeah, he does. You're a very nice guy. You're a very cool guy. Thank you. I think you insulted me possibly 800 times during this call, which is about average when

I talk to people. And I love that. I don't know why I'm a masochist, but you seem like a good guy. And yeah, maybe someday we can surf. I can be your wingman and we can help Portugal. Because I think that would be a fantastic thing to do. I think that's a really good mission. It's time to put Portugal on the map.

Exactly, I agree. It's been on the map longer than any country. Oh yeah, with fixed borders. It has fixed borders. Fixed borders, fish, eggy tarts. Long stairs. All right, well, Vasco, very cool to meet you. Really nice talking to you and peace out. Yeah, it was great talking to you guys as well.

I've been listening to the podcast and watching your shows since forever. Well, that's good. It's a very good use of your time. I think so too. Yeah, that's good. It's a very good use of your time. I think so too. Yeah, I was being sarcastic. All right, well, Vosko, thank you very much and hope to see you soon.

Thanks, have a great day. Yeah, bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leal. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blayard. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. You'll get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.