Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Married with No Benefits

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

Conan talks to Cammy from Buenos Aires about her work as a translator, the rules of dating, and Conan’s potential as a wingman. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamkoko.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Kami. Hey Kami, it's Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Hi Matt, hi Konan. Hi Sonna.

Sorry about Sonna, she's a little messed up, but we'll get her here. Konan, Konan threw a box of tissues at me right before we started. Not true, Cammy. Yeah. Lies, all lies. Only there was someone here who could corroborate either way. Nope. If only.

So, Cammy. I'm going with Son on this one. Thank you. Sorry, Conan. I already liked her. Sorry. Cammy, I like you too, you know. Cammy, I want to start this interview in a professional manner.

It's very nice to meet you, Camille, and you are coming to us from where? Where are you right now in the world? Buenos Aires, in Argentina. Beautiful. Argentina, if I said it in Spanish. Argentina. Buenos Aires, Argentina. Not bad, right?

Yeah. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. What's wrong with it? Buenos Aires, Argentina. Not bad, right? Yeah. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. What's wrong with it? Buenos Aires. I thought not bad. It's superb, Conan. There you go.

Super. Thank you. Now you know. That's the pronunciation I've ever heard. No words in your couple of little. Tell us what you do, Cammy. What is your profession? I'm a translator.

You're a translator and I edit. You're a translator. This is perfect. I do. This is perfect. So are you saying that... How so? Well, I'm saying that let's say, I'm a man that likes to travel. Let's say I was in a Buenos Aires. Where? Buenos Aires. Not familiar. Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Let's say that I was there. Would you be able to help translate for me? I would, but if we have an issue. What's say that I was there. Would you be able to help translate for me? I would, but we have an issue. What's that? I told one of your producers on the print review that I didn't want to meet you because I never meet your idol. Oh, wait a minute. Is this true? Wait, say that again. You don't want to meet me? Why? Because I said don't meet your idols. So sorry, buddy. Because you're saying you idolize me. Of course. Of course.

Kimmy. Oh my lord. Oh, I saw an end, Matt. Yeah. Oh my god. He's strong. Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. There's like a Thanksgiving, there's the turkey. Yeah, I'm coming. Oh, there's a little bit of a Christmas in New Year's. Yeah, I don't know. There's a little bit of a battel knot or something. Listen. So, Cammy.

I don't need turkey. Okay. Wow. We are not getting along. Cammy, allow me to translate. Yeah, this is hard. I thought it was going to be amazing. Cammy, here's the, let me try and get to the essence of the situation here.

You live in Buenos Aires. You work as a translator. You're an actual fan of you. Listen to the essence of the situation here. You live in Buenos Aires, you work as a translator, you're an actual fan of, you listen to the podcast. Of course. Okay, and you say that you don't want to meet me because you don't want to meet one of your idols. I'm very honored that you would say that. I do think that if you met me in person,

you'd be an even bigger fan. Mm-hmm. I'm sure. Why, you shook your head, no. Oh, I'mhmm. Mm. Ah, I'm sure. Why, you shook your head. Oh, we know. Listen, I'm a translator of human behavior. I'm sure. And you shook your head, no.

Oh, I didn't know that. As you said. Yes, yes, and you shook your head, no. As you said, yes. So. You're a man of many heads. I see. Many heads.

Hat. Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you. Now, you guys are translating English for me. Fantastic. Well, maybe English is bad. No, no, your English is terrific. Yeah. Cammy, tell me about your life. Tell me a little bit about your life. And if there's any way that I can help you because you say you're a fan and I'd like to help you. Okay, my life, guys, is boring. Very interesting. But I tried to find the funny in it. In fact, your, your rant,

your uncone and sonus rant about pens at the end of this colonial's episode, that gives me life. Oh my god. I'll go listen to that. The pens, you mean the fact that I need a pilot precision grip pen, just like bold, bold, not fine, bold, not fine. not fine because fine pens are stinging with the ink yes these these are the pens that I keep with me right now these are the only pens I will use because they are generous with the ink the attitude of the pen is there's more where that came from you only live once that's how these pens behave they're not like, oh, ink is a valuable resource and must be saved. My precious ink. That's the fine point pens. That's how they're behaving.

Kimmy, are you still a fan or did I talk you out of it during this conversation? No, I'm still a fan. I'm still very much a fan. But honestly, how much more you got in yet? I think Cammy's a fan. No, I think I'm in it for a long run. Okay, that's it. Cammy, you say your life's boring. Why is it boring? What would spice up your life and how can I help? It's five and maybe the spice girls. I know. I love a 25-year- old reference. Those are fantastic. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm 37 so. That's very young. 37 year young, you're very attractive.

You've got your whole life ahead of you. You should be quite. Well, very attractive, you know. No. Yes, you are. Yes, very. Cammy, you are a very attractive woman living in Buenos Aires. Yes.

You are very desirable. Tell me about your life. Do you have a partner? Do you have anybody in your life? I do not have a partner. I'm single. I have friends. But not no benefits, just friends.

Yes, I'm married with no benefits. Oh, boy. I'm very smart, woman. She's very smart. Yes, I love, that's a funny idea. But there are no benefits. Yeah, come on someone Someone let's pitch that to the Fox Network. Oh, okay Okay, I'll do it Conan. I'll pitch it. Yeah, you should probably you probably have a better relationship with American television executives

And I do So are you dating if I'm not being too personal. I do go on dates. I go, I get so bored, guys. What, no, okay, what's the problem? What is it you're looking for? Someone who can make fun of themselves. Uh-huh. Be funny.

Okay. Like making fun of themselves. Yeah. You, like someone who has a self-deprecating sense of humor, what about physically? What are you looking for physically? Well, I like this is kind of hypocritical because I'm 5'2", but I like someone taller than 6 feet.

Oh, okay. So self-depertaining and tall. I mean, me being 5'2, it's kind of, come on, Tammy. You don't need a 6 feet. What are you talking about? That's... I kind of do. You need a guy or a woman? I can't assume. A guy, a guy. I date men. Only men, only older, only single. Wait, you date only men who are older than you,

and of course, single. Yeah, that one makes sense, but... Goes without saying, but... How much older than you do these men have to be? Well, as much as they can can and it's not creepy well okay this is really interesting to me what's creepy there's that old formula what is it if you double you half your age and there's a formula at least popularity here and that if someone is two batman younger than you two batman's younger than you. Oh, that makes sense. So half of, uh, wait a minute.

Half of Cammy's age is 18 more or less. Yeah. And then you, what? And then you add like seven or something. Seven. Can you look this up? Or if we're good, the day and age rule to determine the socially acceptable age difference in partners go something like this. Half your age plus seven. Plus seven. To define the minimum age of a partner and your age minus seven times two. Okay, you just, I can't follow any of that.

Well, if she's 37, you multiply 37 by two, add, no, can we just go half? You have to, Can we get, Can we get seven on the phone? Yeah, it happened the, so for her, it would be 18 and a half plus seven. Okay, no, she wants someone. No, no She wants someone older than her so you have to do it the other way

Let's just say and I'm gonna be let me just ask and let's say that my wife was abducted by aliens. Okay Let's say no, no, no, no Cammy please that's your answer. Cammy please Let's say no, no, no, no, can he please? I think that's your answer. Can he please? No, she was abducted by a happier alternative. The aliens came to talk to my wife and she said, please take me with you.

But listen. I'm not going to be the first one after that. No, I'm not going to follow you. No, no, no, what I'm saying is 60. 60 is the answer for her. So you can't go above 60. You can't go above 60. 60.

No, is 60 seem creepy to you? Oh I bet yeah, okay Here exactly 60 exactly 60. I just turned 60 Come on you just said you just said if you saw me let's say you didn't know who I was and you saw me walking down the street tall Self-deprecating you can tell cuz I'm sort of oh look at me I'm not so great and would you then look at me and go oh but it's creepy he's too old be honest no no no I think oh my god my her voice for a pitch was so high oh my god I think you were looking at you and being like no no no no no no no no no no would try to give you some tips not to look so touristy. Well, I love that you're just assuming that.

But wait, what about my physical appearance? Is my physical appearance, forget what I'm wearing, is my physical appearance touristy? Yeah, it's giving tourists. Why? Because I'm so happy. And I'm picturing you with one of those bags from the magazine stores in the American Airport, like, news, whatever, the call.

Duty free bag. Oh, yeah. A duty free bag. No, no, no, no, no, the ones that are from the magazine stands, the ones that said, like, newsstand or whatever. Oh, yeah. Okay, wow. Well, you idolize me. And yet, at the at the same time you think I'm a creepy old fool.

Do you do you think you can do that? I did not say that. I did not say you're a creepy old fool. Your first fight you do. Look at us, bickering like old married. Kami, I would like to help you because I think that, as I said, you're very, you seem like a very funny smart. I think you're very beautiful.

I think you've got your, you know, your youth. You've got so much going for you. And I think it's crazy that Cammy has not meant the right person yet. Oh, great. Do you think that I would be a good wingman if I was out with you? That's definitely. Do you think I would help you get dates? I would like you three to come with on dates with me.

Smart. Or even go on a date without me. And just tell me. Just guys, it's three dates. Pre-sci. Is it good candidate? Wait a minute. Oh, yeah, I would love that.

You know what it could be? Like an America's Got Talent or the voice where we're the three people in the Panel I don't think we're gonna have that that many men. Yes, we would by the time we get done with this We're gonna all line up for you. Cammy you need to do a major attitude adjustment because I don't you're holding a lot of great Card tier Cammy and I think you should have a very Is that a skeleton hand that you're wearing around your neck? Are you wearing a, yeah, yeah, I got the,

a person I killed, well, technically killed them. I mean, okay, I think I just found the problem. Kami, I think I identified the problem. She's beautiful, she's funny. She has just a great sense of you know sense of life and Elon and she wears a skeleton hand around her neck and it's maybe a vampire. Yeah I got it go played it after it was my first kill those are real human bones you're saying no They're not they have the shape it was made by an Argentine's called Tristan and Argentine's who don't work. It's called But I thought Argentine. Argentine. Okay, I buy an Argentine. That's my favorite thing is to correct.

An Argentine. Corrected translator. I search in June. I don't know. I just love that. And, and, and, it's called, cami. cami. Okay. cami. cami.

Am I saying right? Oh, you're getting it. You're slowly getting there. You're slowly getting there. You're slowly getting there. You're slowly getting there. You're slowly getting it. You're slowly getting it.

You're slowly getting there. Cami paint a picture for me. Let's say I came to I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I Pat. Why were you wearing a mat? I don't know, I just love that. I love a guy who jokes on the easiest word. And I put down my ingato, who I took with me on the plane. And let's just say that then you and I went out to, would we go to a club?

I'm trying to think, yes. Let's go back to premise one. We are not meeting in real life. Oh come on. You're gonna like me. I have a Here's what I get a lot. No, but Don't meet your idols. I'm a real follower dude. Sorry. Well, okay. I do think you will meet me someday and you'll realize it's not such a big deal Yes, there'll be a moment you're like like, oh my God, it's him. Oh, he's, oh, wow. God, he's tall. Oh, man, he's so good looking. Look at those cheekbones are like carved.

Drinking. I'd be like, oh, he's, he's striking. Yeah. And then you go, his age, and then you'd get over that. Wait, can I first say, can I first say, that's a side for Thoreyes? I always wanted to say that. Oh, so that's what you'd say. If he showed up at your doorstep,

you'd say such a side for Souris. No, I'd say, don't meet your idols. I'm a little far. Sorry Conan. Go away. You'd shut the door. Souris, would you really see Ero La Puerta on my face? I wouldn't open it. I have a thing you'd you look. What's up the door? It's not the door. Would you really see Aero La Puerta on my face? Oh.

I wouldn't open it. I have a, my thing you two look. So it's better. It's better. Oh, do you have a look what it is? See, I have a look what it is. I'm doing it. I'm killing it over here.

I don't show the problem. I'm not opening the door. I'm looking through the little thingy. What if he's in disguise? Oh. What if I'm wearing L Mustache? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think I could still tell.

You do? Okay. Well, listen, I think someday we are going to meet, you are going to get over it, those rules will crumble. And then we're going to go out, we're going to hit the clubs. I know Argentina. I don't want to hit the clubs. I'm 37. What are you talking about?

I'm 2017. I'm much older than 37 and I'm desperate to hear that clubs. I'm 37. What are you talking about? I'm I'm much older than 37 and I'm desperate to hit the clubs for the first time. I've never been to the clubs You just want to go there with you. I haven't of a club is that. That's a bad club. Well, actually, that's a club that they're still working on, and they're using a hydraulic drill. My club is not finished yet. My club they're still working on. I haven't set foot in a club in, oh.

What would you like to do with Conan? If you had your way in Conan's Air and you can't avoid it, you have to do something with him. What are you gonna do? Yeah, let's get past the hole. Don't meet your idols. We'll let that go. That's hurting our improv.

That's gone. Okay. Okay. Let's, let's yes and. Okay, yes. If you and I were to meet in Buenos Aires and I took you out for a night to help you find a man, what would, where do you think we would go? Well, I would, I would please, can you on date? I took you out for a night to help you find a man.

What would, where do you think we would go? Well, I would preschedule on date, so that you can come with me and. Oh, that's good. I like that, yeah. And so you'd be looking for a tall man who's older than you. Older? Yeah, okay.

Now, do you think I would be able to help you on this theoretical date? Oh, I'm hoping. At least it would be boring. Well, on this theoretical date? Oh, I'm hoping. At least it would be boring. Well, I mean, first of all, I want to crush the guy's ego. And so, you don't even mean, if you go to, it's intimidating enough to me to... Conan, have you met middle-aged white men? Well, yes, I have.

I spent 20 years with the middle-aged white man. I was in his body. What are you talking about? Did they, did they, did they, did those seem like fragile? I know, but you haven't been around white men when they see Conan O'Brien up to the table. Sometimes they go around. It happens. So I would want to build them up. Yes? I don't want to, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but he might not even... And this is going to be harder for me than it is for you. I know. You might not even know who you are.

Nice! I've used... I've used better fulfills her before. SIT YOU! SIT YOU! Cami, SIT YOU! Kaya Tela Boka! Kaya Tela Boka Satio! You know You use whether you know Conan O'Brien or not as a filter. Oh my god Kenny you there's this is your problem. This is your problem right here

That is the fact that you're wearing a skeletal hand around your neck that and the fact that you were in a skeletal hand around your neck. No, I don't know. Conan O'Brien. I don't know. The love of my life, Larry David. Uh-huh. Oh, you like Larry? Love of your life.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes. Would you be willing to meet Larry David? No, this is my ideal scenario for a date slash relationship. He's unwed in this scenario. This is my dream scenario. So I can do whatever.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You identified yourselfed in this scenario. This is my dream scenario. So I can do whatever. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You identified yourself as idolizing me and now within the course of like three minutes Trace me new toast you you you toss me over for Larry David Conan, it's different to idolize someone. Then to one of have a long-term relationship with them Where are you also never meet them? First of all, dream scenario. First of all, I've hung out with Larry David. I've hung out with Larry David. He's 76. He's 76! Yeah, but he's Larry David, dude.

Whoa! Oh, oh! So Conan O'Brien's a creep because he just turned 60, but Larry David is 76, and he's all that in the bag of chips. David is 76 and he's all that in the bag of chips No, and I see you more like a very very very funny person. I look forward I look up to and like more of a father any figure but not not old enough See Larry David is a sexy you contemporary you see me as a father figure and you see Larry David as a potential lover. He's 16 years older than me. Can't hate. Tammy, Larry David, could have legally driven me home from the hospital after I was born. And you're choosing him over me.

You have a point. You have a point. You have a point. Oh, God. Point me. You have a point. You have a point. You have a point. You have a point. Good. Point me. You have a point. But I haven't told you guys my dream scenario.

OK. Go ahead. I can't wait to hear it. OK. Let's hear the dream scenario. OK. He's unwed in this dream scenario. Yeah. And we're going to have a date, but we keep canceling

on each other for all eternity. And that's how we're happily ever after. Wow. You're a very sick woman, Cammy Very very sick woman. You say? Yes. No Listen, I'm Cammy First of all, what's a marriage with no benefits got to Go on this. Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I've spent time with Larry David a lot of time. And he smells like cabbage. He just does.

He has to have a cabbage. We're just gasoline on a tether over the phone. So. Okay. He has to be carried around. Did you know that? They use AI for the TV show. He has a large man carrying him everywhere

and he has to be seated at most functions that I've been at with Larry David. I'm telling you I think you're out of your mind. You know, I think you've got you might I'm gonna take this truth therapy on Wednesday. You know what? I'm gonna take it to take this subject to therapy on Wednesday. You have a point. Yeah, I'm pleased. Once again, you have a point. Talk about this. Well, listen, Kami. Once again, you have a point. Talk about this. Well, listen, Cammy, man, there's a lot of stuff

to unpack here. We may meet. We may not meet, but I am going to prove to you that I am the better potential mate than Larry David. I mean, I have to agree with you. I don't want to go after Lisa. It's Liza. It's Liza, okay.

And she, I shouldn't reveal reveal this but she walked out on me about four years ago. For Larry David. Yeah, she's living with Larry David. I'm apparently they're all really happy. It's a thrupple. I've enjoyed talking. No, no, you need to have a woman in between Liza and... I've asked her. Whatever. I've always wanted to woman in between it. I've been... What?

Grace was a really big... He's back at the club. Oh no! You were on the rehearsal. You were on the rehearsal. You were on the rehearsal. About the spice girls, and this is... Yeah. You're doing raise the rules

Who lit the dogs out? God Who lit the dogs out? You and I have the same musical taste. Everything begins and ends in 1994. Yeah, sir. It's been lovely talking to you and don't be surprised. If someday we do meet, we may meet and you'll see that meeting

your idols, it's not all it's cracked up to be. And you'll really learn that if you bump into Leonard David. If you're really talking to yourself, am I going to meet Tona then? Well, she can't leave the country because she's here illegally. But that's not true. Thank you, Tammy. It's not true. You're right. Well, every time you ask to see your papers, you say, I got to go. No. Well, who has to see papers? That's a weird way to ask for it.

Why was she at customs with the Yukon? And when you were doing Kona without borders? Why wasn't she with me? It's a good get. You started to understand now. She may not be let back in. But anyway, listen, I sponsored her here and we're waiting for a word from the consulate. Anyway, Cammy was very nice to meet you. You're quite the character.

You have a sparkling personality and I wish you all the best. I really do. And I see that you're falling in love with me as we speak. Oh, no. Or is that, that's probably gas. Got a burp or something? I don't, no, no, no. I'm probably falling in love with three of you guys. Oh, no, you're into that. I didn't think I was that modern.

You know, I did not think I was that into weird couples of more than two people, but you know, you're such a conservative woman with a Skeletized hand around you. She wants a couple of like skeleton hands on the necklace. I don't I don't think I would be the finest conservative, but let's in this regard. Yeah. Well as they say in Argentina, Buenos Aires. Argentina. Argentina. How do you say farewell? Do you just say adios? How do you like to say it? We say ciao. Ciao, ciao. Ciao, or goodbye.

Yeah, ciao. We need to take care of that one. No, I'm not going to talk. That's hard. Bye. I don't know how to do that. All right, well, Cammy, very nice. Ciao.

Very nice to talk to you. And I would love to do the will talk, and then we'll never talk we'll we love that one so we say I will almost no way more like we'll see each other oh blamos yeah oh blamos I've been I'm a lot more than I'm a lot more so blamos you know yeah like exactly like that and then we never talked to each other yeah all right right, take care. God bless. You two guys, please keep doing the podcast for all eternity. Well, it works. It's a tough, tough song.

I'll listen to it with Larry. I can't believe it. Ciao. Bye, guys. Matt Gourley, produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Teen Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer

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