Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Martin Short

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

Comedian and actor Martin Short feels ashamed about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Martin and Conan sit down to chat about the best time to be 30, the production of Godspell that started it all, how Martin’s Irish heritage shaped his comedy, doing Bette Davis in front of Bette Davis, and which character Martin would like to be buried as. Plus, Conan and his team deconstruct the family dynamic of the show.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].This episode is sponsored by Turo, JCPenney (www.jcp.com), State Farm (1-800-STATE-FARM), The Great Courses Plus (www.thegreatcoursesplus.com/CONAN), Best Egg (www.bestegg.com/CONAN), ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/conan), and Fracture (www.fractureme.com/CONAN).

Hi, I'm Martin Short, and I feel ashamed about being Conan O'Bion's friend. Did you say O'Bion? No, no, no. Well, I'm keeping that one. We've known each other for a long time, and you said O'Bion. Well, how do you pronounce it then? Oh, for God's sake. No, really.

I want to hear you say it. It's Conan O'Brien. Roll that R. There's an R in there? Oh, for God's sake. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walk in the lose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Hey there. Time for another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm having a blast doing this podcast. I really enjoy it, and I have my trusty sidekicks here, my assistant, Sona. How are you, Sona? I'm good. I'm having a blast too. You're enjoying yourself, aren't you?

I am. I'm having a fun time. Are we paying you to do this? You are. Okay. Is it a lot? Not really. No.

It could be more. Well, it's probably just fine. And also our producer, Matt Gorley, am I saying that correctly? Is it Gorley? Yeah. It's always been correct. I know. This is like the third time you've asked me.

I know. I like to make it clear that we're not that familiar with each other. Do you know what I mean? This is my way of subtly indicating that we'll never get closer. In eight years, I'll be saying, so it's Gorley, right? And I'll say, yes, it is Conran O'Brien. Yeah, but no one will buy that. Is it Mozart?

No. It's Mozart. Everyone knows that. I think I've achieved a certain level of clearly delusion. You ready to go? Gorley, you look like you're getting angry now. Whenever you get angry, your beard turns different shades. You know, this is the last time you're going to see this beard.

What are you going to do? You're going to have this beard to push around. It's summertime. I'm shaving. Is that true? Or are you really going to shave it off? I am going to shave it off. I don't normally have a beard.

I just had a beard for a while. I don't even remember. It became a goddamn character on this show. I don't look at your face that much. So I honestly don't know if you have a beard or not. You want to unionize for season two and we can, like, you know. I will crush this union. I'll get more money.

You'll stop being pushed around. I'll bring in strong arm thugs from 1920s, 1920s Detroit to hit you with steel plates. We're going to bury you in some concrete. Good luck. They've tried to throw me out of show business 17 times, but I always come back in a smaller format. That's funny because it's true. I am thrilled because I've said it once and I'll say it again.

If there is a funnier human being than our guest today, I've not met that person. And I think I've met everybody. This is someone who, he's won every award you can win. I'm not going to go through that because God knows he's got it all. I first saw him on a show called SCTV, which remains to this day probably the most influential show or one of them, maybe two or three most influential shows on my sense of humor. And he went on to stand out live and he's a mega comedy phenomenon. And I love him to death and I'm lucky that he really is a friend of mine.

And his name is Martin Short Marty, thanks for being here. Hey, here's what I want to ask. You know, I just did your show. Yes. When did you start doing shows in LA? For God's sake, Marty. What? I've been out here 10 years.

10 years. Well, to quote your old character from laughing, very interesting. You're a fool. Thank you. I've gone on record many times saying that I say this to Marty and most people would say, oh, please, you're embarrassing me. Marty asked me to repeat it into some sort of device and grave it. He's, he's, he's the funniest person alive.

Martin Short. Just silly. This. Okay. You're in the top 12. You're up there with Howie Mandel. What was that? That was my Howie Mandel.

Well, his whole is the old act, you know, with the, with the glove. He would inflate. By the way, it's not anything like Howie. No. I did a character called Howie Suzlov, who also had a big glove on SCTV, you'd be on the modeling show. And that was the, who I'm doing. You, you have a mind filled with showbiz references that spans going back to, what's the oldest

reference you make? Do you think? Do you ever do Jolson? Do you ever talk about people from the 20s or 30s? What's your wheelhouse? Is your wheelhouse the 60s, Sinatra? What is it? I would say that my, I wish that I had been 30 in 1962.

That would have been a fabulous era. Because why? Because smoking marble cigarettes with no shame. The drinking booze, very late. Not to mention the ladies, all the ladies. I do think of you sometimes as being a guy who could have time traveled and gone back to your skill set is so sharp, but it's also dated. No, no, no, it's sharp, but it's also your comics out there that do attitude comedy.

You have material, you have characters, I think that you could get in a time machine and go back in and open at the Copacabana in 1948 and you would kill. I think you would kill in 1948. I would like to think I would. Yeah. Because I think that people, it's amazing when you hear certain old stuff, old radio shows, there's not that many jokes. There's not that many things.

It's a kinder audience. The more the audience expanded, it was really survival of the fittest. So I remember even Dave Letterman saying to me 20 years ago that he said, when a guest is just telling a story, I can hear click to another station in his brain. If you see an old Johnny Carson show from 1968, it's much more meandering. Well, he used to do a lot more time. He used to do, I think he had a 90 minutes show and they, I think there was a different show business was a little club then.

Show business was a relatively small club. Very few people were in show business and it was a small club and they all knew each other and they hung out at the Friars Club and they saw each other at parties. Absolutely. It was a smaller club. It's so true. And what we have now is, and it's the only show business I've ever known is, and it's expanding all the time, but there's hundreds of thousands of television shows and there's

movies in the movie theater, but there's also things streaming and there's not one cohesive unit. And you look back at the late fifties, sixties, even into the seventies, there was this kind of small group of people that all knew each other and Dean Martin would be, if there was a party, I've heard, whenever I hear about a party that took place in the sixties. But you'd always hear stories of Lee Gershwin's house where Burton would get up and recite and Judy Garland would sing and it was like, you know. Yeah.

And they're all putting on a show and Milton Berle's there, they're always describing a party. You're a hero. Exactly. My hero. Well, you have certain similarities. Let's leave it at that. Oh, boy.

Oh, come on. You know what I'm saying? Just enough to win. Exactly. Or that joke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. I got to spell that out. What's wrong? I apologize to everyone here. I'm sorry, fellas. Yeah. Did you hear that? Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. Put it away, Conan. You got the laugh. Jesus. Wow. That one's seen an alien. But you know what I mean?

I always picture, and it's kind of a nice thing, it's hard not to, I get very excited. I get very excited when I get to have a meal with, say, you and with Steve Martin and it feels like, oh, these are, people my generation think of, think of you guys as being legitimate and the rest of us are shlubs that are hanging around you. That's kind of how it can feel sometimes. But don't you think that never goes away? I mean, I always felt that, you know, I knew Mike Nichols for 25 years and I always, if I was at a dinner or at any point in his company, would pinch myself and think, okay, I cannot

really be with Mike Nichols because when I was 12, I would listen to Nichols and May on Broadway and memorize the whole thing. While other people were listening to Cosby and listening to stand-ups, I was obsessed with that kind of give and take and the characters Elaine was playing. So I never got over, I never got over knowing him. Right. You, I think the biggest one when you talk about meeting Sinatra, would he be the biggest star maybe of all that you met?

Yeah. Because he's such a... Well, it's so insane because even when you talk about the Beatles, there were four people. I mean, Sinatra was one guy that lasted, you know, 50 years. And was the king of show business. Was the king of show business. But it was a great influence for me as someone who wanted to sing as a kid. I would literally listen to Tony Bennett 25 times, one song to figure out how he placed

it, I will come home. You know, there's a different place and it's, Johnny Matthews is doing that thing. But you know, so you learn, oh phrasing, I remember Harry Connick and I, when I first met him a long time ago, he was like 19 and he's obsessed with Sinatra and so am I. And we talked about April in Paris, a song, I never knew how and he can do it exactly, but we learned the phrasing. He knew how Sinatra held this long note, an old man river. We could compare that because we were both, even though decades apart, 14 year olds in

our bedrooms listening and saying, oh, that's how you sing. So let's talk about... So when you finally meet that person, it's freaking. Let's talk about that because I find it fascinating that at a very young age, you thought singing was your way into show business. You were generally recognized as one of the great powerhouses of comedy of all time, but you thought it was singing. You thought singing was the way you were going to make it?

You know, I grew up in a very funny family and I was the youngest of five kids. So comedy was a very natural thing. It wasn't, you didn't like have a bunch of bookworms and then you're jumping out and saying get me to a stage somewhere. It seemed that to me, I thought I wanted to be an all entertainer. Oh, sure, I'd do a funny dance, but mainly I'd kill with a final ballot. And this is what I aspired to. And it was also intense fantasy because I was in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

I'd never been in the United States. I'd look at commercials for Disneyland and think, well, that could be on Neptune. I'll never go there. So it didn't seem realistic. So in my attic bedroom where I pretend to have an imaginary television show every other Tuesday at 8 p.m. on NBC because they wanted it every week. But you know what? Try making movies and doing a variety show every week when you're 14 and you also have

school. You're over-scheduled in your head. Yeah. I love that. And I'm not even counting touring. Your imaginary life was over-scheduled. I was way, I would get so mad at my imaginary agent. I'm only one person.

I can't be spread out like a piece of pizza and divide into pieces. So you're up there and you thought, OK, and you're practicing the singing and you're doing it. And at what point did you realize it's not the singing? The singing can be part of what I do, but it's comedy. I sincerely think it was later on. I mean, I got, when I would do stage shows at McMaster University, they were all musicals. So I liked the music part.

And then my first job was this year production of Godspell in Toronto. And now I was known. Famous production, yeah. Famous production because of the people. It was Gilda Radner, Andrea Martin, Eugene Levy, Paul Schaefer, Victor Garber was Jesus. Mm-hmm. And still is, in many ways. Still very, very close to Christ.

Christ Light, we call him. And he married my son. My son Oliver and my daughter Melissa were married at my cottage by Victor. That's beautiful. And my son's theory was that if you can't get Christ, you phone Victor Garber. But anyway, in that show, that was now, I was my first job where I wasn't in university. And it was a comedy show. We're singing, but the star was comedy.

What got me the job was me improvising with Eugene on stage at the callbacks. It's amazing that there's this one show. And again, this is how I now think, just to more to your point, that comedy and entertainment is spread out everywhere now, YouTube. And that's, I don't say good, bad, that's just the way it is now. But there was a time when there were far fewer opportunities for talented people to show what they could do. So they could have a production of God's Bell and do a casting call.

And everyone who shows up becomes a household name. That's insane. That wouldn't happen today. And that show was a little bit insane. There were, you know, there was the original New York production of God's Bell, and there were other companies, of course. But the fact that everyone was in there, that was odd. I mean, at that time in Toronto in 1972, Danny Ackroyd was always hanging around.

He always smelled a little bit of gas because he was always working his car because he wasn't working. It was suddenly, and I first met Danny at Gilda's birthday party in 1972, and he and his then partner, Valerie Bromfield, a comedic partner, were in character as Gilda's parents from Detroit at this party. They were pretending to be Gilda Redmond's parents. They stayed in character the whole night. Danny was doing that.

And it was so funny. I remember driving, you know, when I was Gilda, and I remember driving her car around and they were, would be improvising in the back, Valerie and Danny. And I think I'm deliberately getting lost because I don't want this to end. That's how funny they both were. It's interesting because Tom Hanks once said that if he could, if he could go back in time and be a fly on the wall, he started, he started the sentence that way. And I thought he was going to say, you know, he wants to be there at, you know, watching

whatever. Because Margaret get married to Lord Snow. Well, that's your thing. Well, that's my thing. You know, I can, I always get confused and it's always been a problem with me between your wants and Tom's wants. Yeah, yeah. If I could just be there and say, no, no, it's not a good marriage.

Just be there right there and just see Liza say to David Gueth, yes. But you know, I didn't know, and I know, you know, Tom Hanks is a big history buff. And so I thought that he was going to lay out some just great historic moment. And his moment is he wanted to be a fly on the wall, invisible, listening to you guys up in Canada, who created, you know, what came to be known as SCTV and the early people at Standard Life. All of you gathered around a cassette messing about improvising, being silly. He said, I wish I could be there.

I wish I could be there at that moment. And I understand what he's talking about. But of course, you did it. And at the time, you were just, these are my friends. This is my girlfriend, Gilda Radner. That's that guy, Dan Aykroyd. Yeah, I have tapes from, you know, two in the morning on a Friday after a production of Godspell.

And it's, you know, Gilden, Eugene and Paul. At one point, Paul is laughing, ah, that is so funny. Ah. And it's, you go, that's the exact same laugh. Right. That permeated the Lairman show for 30 years. And even then, in those days, way back then, even then, he looked like a Mater D in a spaceship. So there's been very little change in Paul.

You know, we have some similarities with both. I am of Irish descent, but we didn't get far from the tree. I am very inbred. I am one of six. You are one of how many? Five. You're one of five. And your dad, you've talked to me about your dad and your dad, very funny character.

And he was born in Ireland. Born and raised in Cross McGlenn County, Armagh. And a slight brogue. Marty, get down here. And, but really funny. Really, really sarcastically funny. And when I would do Jiminy Glick, initially, I would go, oh, yeah, that's who I'm doing. Oh, you're kind of channeling your dad.

I mean, I'm not. You know, he didn't sound like the good end like that, but, but the, the, the, the sarcasm is the Irish said, oh, the crack was good. Well, the crack was good. The gossip. Well, you had a good crack. One time I was stayed up with my cousins in, in Shorts Bar, which has been there in Cross McGlenn since 1980, 1885 to this day, it's still open.

It's, they're still there. Shorts Bar. Absolutely. Correct. And I had stayed up. This is like late nineties with my two cousins, Patrick and Oliver, they're all, you know, all the same names, my, my son, Oliver, you know, anyway, we were up there until about five in the morning drinking, you start off the beer and then you go to whiskey.

Which, because if you're publicans, which are the children, you have to take out of your wallet and put money into the cash. You can't just drink from the bar. Anyway, I came down around nine in the morning, Patty's cleaning out the glass, my uncle Patty and he just looks and he said, so how did the character assassination go last night? You know, it was like he was eavesdropping and, and, but my, I remember one time I said to Mel Brooks at Jiminy Glick, what's your big B for the Nazis? And I swear it was like a joke that my father had once done to his friend, Sam Pakin.

You know, it was just taking that energy and, and re-challenge. There is something in Ireland. I did some event with a bunch of Irish comedians maybe 12 years ago and we all performed at the American ambassador's house in Phoenix Park in Dublin. And then it's over and someone said, well, the evening's over, but let's go get a drink. Let's go into Dublin and get a drink. So Darrow Breen, a bunch of other comedians, we all pile into a cab. And these are the funniest people in Ireland, hilarious, talented.

We all pile into one cab and on the ride over the cab drivers, funnier than any of us. And that's a true story. It's just, I don't know what it is. But it's funny because you, one of the things that delights me the most is when people I meet who are very, very funny and entertaining on screen, I meet them and they turn out to be that way in real life. And I have all of these exchanges with you where no one's around since I've gotten to know you.

No one's listening. This is a long time. Yeah. We've known each other a long time. And I'll be, I'll see you or we'll meet outside the restaurant about to go in and you'll have the greatest put down. And I'll think, this is great. There's not even a camera.

The other day you and I were going to grab a bite to eat and Mr. Bill Hader was going to join us. Yes. And you proposed a restaurant and I said, should I make the reservation? I just sent you an email and said, should I make the reservation? And you said, no, I'll do it. I'd like to get a table and I'm like, this isn't for anybody. This isn't for the, and I thought, I was howling and I thought, this is, this is you literally

doing something with another hand and with your free hand, don't go into detail. Yeah. Exactly. And with your free hand, you are destroyed. You're just sending a torpedo, a death torpedo through the water and it's really delightful. Only coated in love. You know that. And you, I want you to do it, but you said to me once on the air and I didn't know this

was coming, but you said, you looked at me. I was interviewing you and you stopped me and you said, Conan, whatever you're doing with plastic surgery. Do you remember this? Should I do it for you? You said, you've done so many of these, but you looked at me and you just, Conan, I just want to say, doesn't Conan look fantastic in the audience? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You're doing with plastic surgery. I suggest 20% more and then stop. And I, what I loved is that I spent weeks thinking about that afterwards, I spent weeks thinking about it afterwards. I was like, it is so fantastic because it's disguised as paternal advice. Absolutely.

It's a compliment. It's paternal advice and there's a death turd tucked into the middle of it, which will kill you. Right. Yeah. I love that. That's why I was, Steve and I insult them. I often say, and I in no way mean this negatively, but you look, you are pale, Steve.

You look like, you look like something I snorted in the 80s. You know what's funny is there's, this is something that I really relate to. When I see you perform, I've seen you do perform on Broadway and I've seen your, your, your traveling show that you do with Steve Martin that you tour with, you, and I understand it because I think it is Irish, I believe, but it's a resistance to Schmaltz. It's a resistance to sentimentality. Is that Irish? It certainly is true what you're saying.

In the comedy, in the comedy, you do the comedy and I think you're right. I think it's very Irish. I've never thought of it that way. Yeah. It's very, it's very, is it, I used to think it was Waspy, but I think it's more Irish. I think it is. I think that there's never a point in your show with Steve and I can think of a lot of performers it would be easy to do and people would love it were at one point at the end

of the show when people have laughed their asses off for an hour and you know, 30 minutes or 40 minutes that you guys look at each other and say, you know, I have to say though you are a really good friend, something horrible like that, something truly horrible. You are a good friend and I love you. I love you too, man. And see, that's when you're waiting for the sandbag to drop and crush them both. But see, that's, that's what I love is that none of that, there's none of that. And I know that in show business, I used to do this, you see this a lot on SCTV and I

think it's been, you refuse, you refuse to go down that road and Steve refuses to go down that road. And a lot of my favorite comedians, they're not going down that road that we are here and we might even fool you into thinking we're about to say something really generous and sweet and then there's a joke at the end. Well, first of all, I think that the audience knows everything. They know who's friendly and who isn't. They know that, you know, Steve will say to me, you know what I love about touring with

Marty Short? No paparazzi. Now, they know that that's a joke, but have you ever had this happen? Audiences have changed somewhat and I'll occasionally get an audience that they're, they're very sincere and earnest. And so someone will make a joke, Andy will make a joke at my expense that I love that I think is hilarious. And the audience will be like, no, didn't we have that?

We had a joke. Just what we just did the show. Oh, I think. Yeah. I think at one point you said. I don't know what you're saying. You really think that. But I can't remember what it was.

I can't remember what it was either. But you made some joke that was absolutely ridiculous. Oh, I mispronounced a word and you said Conan, I think it's time to get new dentures. That's right. And the audience, this is what insulted me. The audience went, oh, like too far, Marty. You know he has faults, Steve, but don't bring it up. Yeah.

They literally give the reaction of, oh, too far. Leave his dentures alone. And I had to turn to them and go, I do not have dentures. It's a joke. But their reaction in a group was surprising. Just hearing a whole audience go, really? We knew something was wrong. We knew he was aging badly, but we didn't know which way it was going to go.

But I was very impressed with the show you do with Steve. I got, you let me come out and do a little. Yeah, you did it in Las Vegas. You did a little, little, little cameo appearance, but watched, watched you out there. And you're terrific with Steve. I've said this to you guys, I mean, he's obviously a brilliantly funny man, but you, I see the ways in which you also help him out. You're such a crowd pleaser, you know, that you, well, I think we both help each other

out. I think it's a great little combination. I think he's weighing you down. What? I think he's weighing you down. He's hurting you. Look, this is, no one listens to this. No one.

No one hears this. Okay. I so wanted to do with Dana Carvey because Dana gets me, you know what I mean? So, okay. So I go through Mark Urban, so I can't get Dana on the phone. And then Steve ends the next, you know, but it's fine. Is there anyone, who did you miss? Who?

Marlon Brando. You didn't get to ever meet Marlon Brando. I never met Marlon Brando and I would have loved, I loved Marlon Brando. Have you heard tales of Marlon Brando? Yeah, of Marlon Brando. Oh yeah. And some of them you don't. He was wearing a full ball gown during that meeting.

You don't want to hear those stories, but just the genius of Brando, the, I mean, that's someone like, again, you're that 13-year-old kid and you're watching on their waterfront and then you get to meet, you know, Johnny Carson. I didn't do Johnny Carson for six years when I could have. Like, I was asked to do Johnny Carson in 1982 when I was asked to be here. You didn't jump at that? And, because I had already started doing Letterman, he was 83, I'd already done Letterman a few times and I thought, ah, you know, it's old school and I'm hip and daze my guy.

And it was only because I was totally afraid to do Johnny Carson because I loved him so much that I thought, because I really believe that doing talk shows was about being loose and I couldn't imagine myself being loose in the company of Johnny Carson. And so I waited. And then there was a rumor in late 87 that he might be leaving and I went, I am an idiot. I am a moron. So I was then asked, and then I phoned up my manager at the time and said, can you give me the Tonight Show?

And they said, of course. And now I did it January of 88 the first time. So you remember going out, you did panels, sat down? I did panel. I didn't, you know, I never did stand up. I did. I was, but I was already like in the movies. So they phoned me up and said, you're supposed to, oh, I know what it was.

Betty Davis is on tomorrow night, but she has been asked to move. But if she's on the same night you are, you will come out second. Would you rather move to her night and I said, no, I'm happy and thrilled to come out following Betty Davis. So I came out and Rob Reiner had made a bet with me. He said, I'll give you a hundred dollars if you do Betty Davis to Betty Davis. So Betty was already, she killed, you know, she'd done the plate trick and all that stuff. Shot flames out of her nose.

Absolutely. And no, she was really on fire, if you call that on fire. And she did three segments and then I came out and I said to her, and what a pleasure to meet you. And she said, thank you, because she had no idea who I was and she thought that's actually the way I spoke. She didn't know. Did Johnny laugh?

Did Johnny like that? Johnny was laughing, you know, you're doing that, you go for it right away, did you? And then it was, I must admit a successful eight minutes. It was like, and I could see Johnny and pushing the chair back, doing that stuff that he would do. And then at the, but you'd just see the two shot of Johnny, but you'd see smoke puffing in from the side because Betty was smoking to the end, you know, and, and then at one point you hear her voice saying, do you do me?

And I turned around and said, well, you're not that easy to do. And she said, well, then skip it. And Johnny was beat red laughing so hard. I mean, like holding it in. This is, you think about this now too. Think about, well, we've got Betty Davis, but we also need to get Martin short. That alone tells you everything you need to know about how show business has changed. What do you mean?

The fact that these, an iconic star would come out and then you'll, okay, we'll talk to her, but then we've got to move on and have this comedy powerhouse on. I'm telling you that they've, the broth has been thinned since then. Does that make sense? Of course. I mean, look, remember, there was a time up until I don't know when that you never saw a movie star except at the Academy Awards. They didn't do the today show.

They wouldn't do the tonight show, you know, in Jack Parr era anyway, they, you know, if you were Burt Lancaster, you showed up at the Oscars. If you're Rita Hale, you know, all these major stars. So the aloofness of it was monumental. So obviously if there's many, many talk shows, the well gets watered and it's not as exciting as maybe when we were a certain age watching that one talk show, you know. I still think I'm stunned at, I'll look at television and I'll see how much of it there is.

And a lot of it's actually really good. I'm stunned at the amount of, there's a lot of quality out there, incredible amount of quality and craftsmanship, but they're, but they're feel, but it does feel, and the impact of it, don't you think is like the game of thrones, right, which I have never seen. And it's not, you've never watched it. I've never, well, no, listen, I love dragons and all that stuff. Always did, but then I turned nine and then I kind of, you know, moved on to novels and stories about, you know, you know, the depression and, you know, there's a lot of nudity in

it. So you should know that. That's my crow. That was very good. And then I also do a monkey. Can I hear the monkey? Maybe that's on my car. I don't know what that is.

That's not a monkey. That's not a monkey. Canadian monkeys are a little different. Really? Ah, very different. Very different. The Canadian monkey. The Canadian monkey.

Is that it? Well, what does that sound a bit like, doesn't that sound like, actually, that was like having a seizure. Yeah. You did have a seizure. Yeah, actually. That is the best. Let's hear your cricket.

Wow. You know what I wish? I wish you had been at a microphone when I was doing my monologue tonight, and I wish after each joke, hey, you know what I found interesting? I saw you do your monologue tonight and I didn't realize because I don't know a lot about post-production, but I saw, obviously, they put the laughs in later. I know you deep down, you really love me. I know you do.

A lot of warm feelings towards me. I do. If the audience had been here right now, they'd, oh, no, too far, Monty. Yeah. Well, I think I talked about this once on your show, but it is hilarious if I would come out at any of the shows that you and I have done since 1996 or something, and I would insult you, especially on the YouTube era, and then you see it, and then you go down in the comments.

I don't know why Conor O'Brien just didn't put him in his place. He's so, I mean, why are they being so mean to Conan? I thought they were friends. That's not nice to say to a friend. You wonder how Don Rickles could have done his act at all. Why are you being mean? That's not nice. Don Rickles was so funny.

I was at a dinner party not long in the last few years of his life, and he was going on, he's telling all the stories, and there were comedians there, so he was obviously playing to us, and his wife Barbara finally went, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And he went, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, huh? Let's put it this way, if it wasn't for the talk, talk, talk, talk, you'd be a derelict. He used to love when he would say, like, he would, he had an instinct for what was just a funny word, and one of them was like, good for you, what do you want, a cookie? Yeah, I know.

And cookie's a funny word, and I just remember… Hockey puck, he loved that. Hockey puck was funny. What do you want, a cookie? Yeah. Oh, good for you. What do you want, a cookie? I had a talk show for a year in King World, and he came on at one point, and I go over

and shake his hand, he whispers, this is a mercy mission. I got on a flight with my wife, Liza, and we were, I think we were taking a flight from New York. Manelli, I keep forgetting you after David Guest. Yeah. Do you know what David Guest said to Liza in their honeymoon night? No, I don't. No hard feelings.

He said, no, wait a second, I'm missing a part of that show. Never mind, move on. Oh, no, no, no, no, that's a big mistake. No. That's keeping you out of the big money. We're going to play that on a loop. No, I was on a flight from New York, or from Boston to, I think, New York or Boston to Los Angeles, and I'm putting my stuff in the overhead compartment before the plane

even takes off. And I hear, jeez, I'll let anybody on these flights, damn mech, I don't know what, mech's probably been drinking at the bar. And I was getting a little pissed, like, who's being such an incredible dick? And I turn around and sitting in the seat behind us, sitting with someone else, not his wife, maybe a manager, was Don Rickles. And he proceeded to do a show for us on the whole flight out across country five and a half hours.

I was having dinner with Diane Keaton at George Joe's in the Palisades, and Don Rickles was at the next table with the New Hearts. And you just love seeing those four together, because they loved each other. And Diane had never met Don, and he came over to the table and said, good, Diane. So how many kids have you adopted? I have a feeling that you go to an orphanage and say, I'll take that one, and I'll take that one, and I'll take that one. And she's laughing hysterically, and she says, I'm just so honored, I'm just so honored.

Please shed on me some more. You're here because you admire me. You've called me. What are you doing? Sonia, what's going on? Yeah. Sonia, that's not happening. Why are you laughing at that?

Because it's so preposterous that you were. Do you know what I mean? It just doesn't make any sense. You think that's where the laugh comes from? Well, that's for this way. I'm doing the Michael Cohen podcast after this. So it's not like I'm Mr. Selective, and he's doing it from prison. Oh, you and your topical quips.

That's true. I won't have it. Not on this show. I won't have it. How do you end the show other than just obviously petering out? I like this energy. You know, it would work really nicely here. Why don't I get two pennies and just put them on your eyes?

Let your light. Do you realize that you have it? I don't mean this negatively. No, hold on. I want to end with the cricket. I want it to end with the cricket. But you feel, and I mean this actually sincerely, that you now, at your present look, have your coffin look.

In other words, you're going to be laying in the coffin. It will be that hair. It will be the kind of swoop the top. They will do it. They will do it for me. Yeah. And you can look at different people and go, coffin look. So you think I'm there?

I don't see you going like sideburns and slick back and saying that I think you have your coffin look. Okay. That's the nicest thing you've said to me in a while. I think it is nice. I'll tell you, has his coffin look is Donald Trump. You think that's what he's going to look like in his coffin? Yeah, you can.

I'll probably look like this in my coffin. No, we're going to have you made up as Ed Grimly. Well, I can't believe I'm dead, I must say. Which character do you want to be laid out as when you go? Because I will see to it. I think Glick, only because then you could do the thing would be a closed, because he'd been attacked by a cougar, but it would be funny to hire, well, not hire, they'd be your friends, I guess, but to have the premise that the coffin is just impossibly impossible

to lift. The heaviest thing. And finally, they're all at the front just dragging it. Is he your favorite of all the characters? Well, it's certainly the most fun because some of the others are very written and specifically phrased. Yeah, yeah. I know that.

You don't think I know. You have to memorize it. But Glick was all improvised. Yes. But I would look back, you know, we'd tape for 20 minutes and cut it to an eight-minute interview and I'd see myself saying, I take great umbrage and I'd go, I don't even know what that means. What is, I've never said this.

So that was to me the most fun about that. Do you get, because you take chances with Glick and I think you get away with it. Has there ever been a time where you thought, that was too far? I went too far and I wish I could take it back. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Yeah. But you will, you get.

Usually the people that I interviewed were actually my friends, do you know what I mean? Right. Where I knew them a little bit. So, and then I would talk to them like, this is a movie. We're making a movie here. So, um, don't, I remember when Ricky Gervais, when I was doing the Maya Marty summer show a couple of years ago and he was going to do a Jiminy Glick and I'd never met him. But he was very, we talked on the phone, he said, I just don't want to get in your way.

I don't want to screw it up. I don't want to be that guy. And I said, no, no, no, you must just say whatever you want. And he was so hilarious. So he just let, he was able to let go. He just let go. And then of course you go on for, you edit it later. You edit him out.

It's funny. That's my gimmick. You make sure that you get the last. So I find a view. I'd say you do whatever you want and really try to be funny and then cut you out. And then cut me out. Uh huh. You put it as a joke to have a great comic like yourself on.

You kill and then edit it in a way where every time you go to score and it's another copy goes out. The real way goes out to everybody else. But I get someone to show you a tape the next day because you won't watch it. And anytime you're about, you're telling the story and you get to the big laugh, they cut to me and I'm, it's shot separately and it's me looking perplexed and we've taken the laugh out. And I've always thought, wouldn't it be great to just have that, get a friend who's in on

it and they say, that was weird. What would he do? What do you mean? I killed last night. No, I have it. Take a look. Wouldn't that be fun? Uh, I guess.

It could be a lot of time. A lot of money. In your world. You have to tell the time, uh, this was, uh, back on the old late night show. I interviewed you, killed lots of laughs. You moved down the couch and then, uh, you know what I'm talking about? I do, but I don't know how you sell it on a podcast, but I'll try. Yeah.

You're right. It's hard. Well, this is what happened. So, so I moved down the couch and a young actress came out and now, um, Conan was now earning his wages. That's for that way because, you know, I think what he had to go with is she had been a model, but now she had some lines to read in a show or something like that. And her publicist had said, it's important we get across that she's an actress now.

She's not a model anymore. Right. So Conan is interviewing her here. We can't see this, but I'll do a subscriber is sitting there and I've moved down the couch. And then Conan said, so now that you're actually doing scenes, is that more rewarding than just being a model or some question like that? And I went, not am I like, hmm, yeah, how provocative. And he also leaned forward so that he could see, lean forward a little bit so that the

actress couldn't see it. But then behind the actress, Marty just peered his head into my view and did a kind of a slightly sarcastic, hmm, fascinating, fascinating, and I started to laugh a little bit, but I bit my lip and got through the rest of the interview. And then the band kicks in because it's time for commercial and you take this home. Conan got up, walked around, leaned over to my head and said, I'm just trying to make a living asshole. I'll never forget that.

Oh, that was so funny, I'm just trying to make a living asshole. That's one of my favorite, I'll say, hmm, fascinating, what an impossible person to have. In your eye line. Yeah, in my eye line, it's never performed with, what is it, dogs, children, and Martin Short anywhere around, it's absolutely impossible. This has been delightful. Thank you. Equal, right back at you.

You don't mean it. I do. I do. You have a way with the tie clip, I've always said. It went right from the show to this little room. You look good. Thank you. This is my coffin look.

You do, but there's nothing wrong with having your coffin look. It just means that it doesn't get better than what I have now. You're probably not going to change it. It's so nice to have someone pick on you on how you look. What are you talking about? He picks on me a lot. It's nice to. I don't pick on him.

I think it's nice that you're all ready for summer camp. You look good. You look fantastic. I hope you wrote your name in your underwear. I'm trying to make a living. No, I know. And you've made a handsome living. Thank you.

I have. You have. I mean, I've been to your home. His home. He'll never be there. No, no, no. Sona has managed to get as far as the gate three times. Yeah.

But you won't let me in. That's a big electrical shock, isn't it? Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you, Conan. I love you dearly. You know this. It's all this. You didn't even make eye contact.

You look down and away. Because I can't make eye contact with someone when I'm lying. All right, you win again. Martin Short. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Conan Sona and I had an interview with the BBC the other day about the podcast, and that blows my mind that the BBC is aware that we have a podcast.

That's right. You'd think that have. You're going through Brexit, shouldn't they be focused? Their country is literally, their parliamentary system, which has survived like 800 years, is crumbling, and they're like, by Jove, we've got to speak to Golly and Sona. Oh my God. No, no, that wasn't a put down. No, but your British accent is ridiculous.

Oh, I don't think it's ridiculous. Oh, what? Are you having a stroke? Oh, I think maybe I'm having a stroke. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he was like, I don't know. Oh, Mary Puppens.

Oh, no. I blacked out what happened. I just woke up. Well, this is apropos of what they're saying. This room smells like fish and chips. What happened? The host called Sona and me the matriarch and patriarch of this podcast, and were wrangling you as the child.

Oh. Oh, they did a whole psychological profile of the show? I know, would you say? I think so. They also said that Matt and I are your consistent friends and you're constantly trying to upgrade your friends with these celebrities. Oh no, Conan O'Brien just spilled a bottle of water.

He just Freudian spilled. All over. Maybe I did it intentionally. Abel. You just called me a troublesome child. Yeah, no kidding. So I spilled water on the table. So wait, what did the BBC say?

Originally he said that you were kind of like the ruler, but then he said the more he listened that Sona and I were like the matriarch and the patriarch wrangling you as the child. So you're my parents and I'm the kid. I think petulant child. Petulant child. Like severe ADHD and you're hyperactive and needy.

Maybe I'm Harry Potter, which means you two die. And then I, what a leap, then I am great powers are visited upon me, great abilities. And then from us. Yeah. I mean, you're following the law, right? Sure. OK.

Yeah. Do you have a scar? Yeah, that's why I have the giant pompadour. I comb it forward to hide the scar. But yeah, so it's possible. Do you think sometimes you are hard to rein in just in general, even in normal life when we are working? And there's only one answer to that.

Yes, I think it's difficult. When someone's given so much creativity, when someone's given so many powers, it's difficult. It's hard. I don't know what it's like for you two. Would you say sometimes when I'm like going through things you have to do during the day, you're just doing bits and looking at me funny and you're like putting your glasses

askew and you're like, I am performing 24 seven. Yes. And you are constantly looking at me like, why? Why? Why do I have to work for this man? But you have to admit, I'm entertaining occasionally. You are. But it is a lot of like, I am actually trying to do work

and you are making the, you're making it more difficult. Yes. With bits. Yes, I behave foolishly. I could probably do a better job of being an adult. Now, there are times where I'm trying to do work and you're busy watching episodes of Barry. Mommy needs her me time.

No, I need my me time, exactly. She's drinking a giant glass of white wine at her desk at 11 o'clock in the morning. And then you, gorely. Yes. You know what I feel like the appropriate thing is? You're the dad. I feel like actually you're a single mother

with a kid who just eats Froot Loops all day and I'm the stepdad that came in late and don't know how much I can discipline. Right, right, right. And you're sort of a, you're a cartoonist for, you write like a Kathy cartoon, the local paper. I don't even illustrate it, I just write it. No, you write it, you're not good enough.

You try to illustrate it, but you're not good enough. So you just write, you write stuff like, oh, this yogurt doesn't have any fruit on the bottom. And then someone else has to, then someone else has to draw and so you make very little off these cartoons. I'm kind of living off you guys. And then, and you found out, you moved in on Sona when you found out that she made money

when her first husband was killed in that yak attack. Yeah, and that her child is like a child actor. She's a stage mom. Yeah, she has a six foot four son. You have the shock of red hair who's got his own late night show and he's making some bank. So you moved in and all you have to do is every now

and then you say like, well, I got to go think of the next Kathy cartoon. Can I have a little money? Yeah. And you're like, so you don't draw them. No, Eric draws them. I'm not good enough to draw them. But I just thought of a new one.

Kathy gets on the scale and she's like, oh, boy, why does my scale have to be so honest? So I'm calling Eric to see if he can draw it. Eric's only taking my phone calls sporadically. Eric's starting to write them too and they're pretty good. Oh, well. This explains your hostility to Matt a lot too. Just you lashing out at him a lot sometimes.

I don't mean to lash out at you, Matt. I really do like you. You do a very good job. Oh, disarmed, are we? No. I know what to think. No, no. You do a very good job.

You've made this podcast a success. You're very obviously well known in this field because every time someone comes in to talk to me, all I hear is, oh my god, it's Matt Gorley. He did cinnamon hour with Mr. Choff Choff. What? I was on the Lubba Dubb network. But anyway, I know that you're a big deal in this sphere

that I didn't even know existed. But that's like being known in the podcasting world is like being known in third world soap opera world. Since, Julie, this all started with me complimenting you and then you goaded me into insulting you again. It's my fault. It is your fault. And you'll be punished for it.

You're an excellent producer and a good man and a fine foil on this show. I like doing it. I mean, you know ill will. I mean, you none. And stepdaddy's going out to the garage for a couple hours. I'm going to write another cartoon. Good.

I'm glad that you guys talked to the BBC. Yeah. And the show is called Podcast Radio Hour on BBC 4, the radio channel. It blows my mind that we sit in here and we put no thought into this thing. And now people in a country I respect are listening to it. The same network that brings you in our time with Melvin

Bragg, one of the brainiest shows ever created is concerned with. I don't know what that was. I don't know what that is. You would have loved this show. What is it? It's called In Our Time with Melvin Bragg. Is it a podcast?

And no, it's a radio show. You would die. You would love it. Oh, you'd like that. Yeah. I see your blue plot. Can I ask you a question? Do podcast people like yourself have

hostility towards conventional radio? Not at all. That's like the forefather. I loved radio. Yeah, but I bet you're real snobby about it though, right? Like, it's not a podcast. You can't download it. He really wants there to be beef between podcasts and radio.

I would love it if there was a real gang rivalry between regular old fashioned radio. Do you have a thing against Vaudeville? Yes. You do. What? I do. I hate Vaudevillians with their juggling

and their capering about. I can't stand Vaudeville, and that's I'm glad that we crushed it. We successfully destroyed Vaudeville. Oh, my god. You surfers. I have no ill will towards radio. Also, it's dead now anyway, so there's nothing to worry about.

So you did put the knife in, didn't you? Yeah. Was that all you had to say about the BBC? I think so. Anything else? You had a great time. Should we plug it? Yeah.

Why not? I mean, they said that they're going to start their podcast on May 31st. It's a podcast about podcasts. Yeah. Or it's a radio show about podcasts. Wait a minute. There are podcasts about podcasts?

Oh, yeah. There's probably podcasts about podcasts about podcasts. You know what no one's doing anymore? What? No one's growing crops. No. But there's a podcast about growing crops. No one's making food or growing crops.

And I think we're all going to starve in about two years, because everyone's going to be in their basement going, well, I'm here with Matt Goorley. This is the snake that ate its tail with me, Bill Sibbles D. All right, I got to go. Yeah. Murderer. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian

and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Goorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Bekton.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts,

where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco Production in association with Earwolf.