Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Matthew Rhys

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

Actor Matthew Rhys feels blank about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Matthew sits down with Conan to talk about living out his boyhood fantasies on Perry Mason, passing down his Welsh heritage to his son, and the one thing he’d wish for besides world peace. Later, Conan and his team get to know the next Golden Ticket winner in a fated meeting. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hello, my name is Matthew Rees, and I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Conan O'Brien here, but I guess that goes without saying. I do have a distinctive voice. Not saying it's my best feature, but you know it when you hear it. I've actually had many people in situations just hear my voice somewhere and say, Conan's here in this room somewhere. You do have a very distinctive voice. Yeah, it's kind of pinched, readied. You're so mean to yourself sometimes. I am, I am.

No, I think you have a great podcast voice. Well, thank you. That's nice. It's always been the aspect that I was always envious of other people's broadcasting voices, and I always didn't love mine. But over time, you know, I think people have gotten used to it the way if you work in a factory with a horrible loud machine, eventually you don't hear that machine anymore. I'm joined as always by Sonia Mufsesian. Sonia, nice to see you. Nice to see you. And my good friend and well, producer extraordinaire, Matthew Gorley. I'm going to call you Matthew today.

God, that's so formal. Do you prefer Matthew or Matt? I think I prefer Matt. I feel like Matt's a boring name, but Matthew feels too fancy or something. Yeah, it does. Yeah. No one calls someone Matthew unless that person insisted they be called Matthew. Or they're in trouble, like my dad.

Yes. Yeah. Matthew. Yes. Matthew James Gorley. I don't care who started it. I'm going to finish it. Right.

Like you were ever in a fight. No, I don't mean a fight, you know, with my sister. Did you and your sister used to squabble a lot? We have a really close relationship now, but man, we used to tangle. Yeah. We used to, I mean, I was one of six and especially there was my brothers and I used to fight quite a bit. Who would win? Well, that would be Neil.

Okay. He actually had, what do they call it, strength? He had strength. Neil was really strong and big. He would just laugh and Luke and I would be wailing away at him. Our punches just bouncing off of him. Like if you were throwing paper planes at a battleship, you'd just be laughing and we would be pummeling him with our tiny fists that look like Cornish hens. And they would just bounce off Neil and he would laugh and then you'd take both our heads and slam us together.

Like the three stooches. Yeah, exactly. He'd knock us together and then toss us aside and he had a great dismissive, derisive laugh. But I had a fun day yesterday, which is, and you know this, Sona, but we were trying to raise money for this charity. And so I got together with some of my old bandmates, Jim Avevino and Mike Merritt on bass and James Wormworth on drums. And we just were banging out these songs and I was on guitar and I was having a really good time. And this is the kind of people I have in my life. I've had people say, well, do you ever think your ego is going to get the best of you?

And I think I'm surrounded by such talented, cruel people that can always deflate me in the perfect way. So I was really, we recorded a few weeks ago, we recorded a song and I was really happy about it. And I thought, hey, this actually sounds pretty good. It's a Chuck Berry song and I was really kind of happy with it. And I was like, hey, I really like this. And I sent it to Matt O'Brien, no relation, but the head writer on the show, along with some other people to say, just check this out and tell me what you think. He wrote me back and all he did was send me a link to a commercial and I pressed on it.

And it was a bunch of guys my age rocking out with guitars and it was a Viagra commercial. And they were like, Viva Viagra! And the thing is, you don't know what it is at first, so it's these guys. Now I'm going to roughly my age, I ran a guitar and a guy's got a guitar and he's like, I'm feeling good and I want to be gonna do my best. And it's, you know the way in commercials, everyone's, it's always perfectly ethnically mixed. So it's a guy who's got a friend the same age as me and they're all the same at different races and nationalities. And they're jamming and having a really good time and then they get to the chorus.

Viva Viagra! And man, that was so hilarious and so mean and all my excitement about jamming with my band completely turned to shame. That's brutal. It was brutal. That is brutal. And masterful, but those are the people in my life, you know. That's nice, no matter how big you get, you go home and it's like, okay.

But also, I want to point out even if I hadn't succeeded and had failed, I think that have gone out of their way to mock me then. They would come by to the alley that I live in and be like, nice alley. Oh, jeez. Are you sleeping in your ear end or is that someone else's ear end? Come on guys, cut it out. That explains a lot. It does.

Anyway. Matt O'Brien, who is not related to you, acting like he is related. But also he, that's what any other writer on the show would have done that. What if he really thinks you need Viagra? What if that was the message? What? What? What?

My life, first of all, I've made it very clear to everyone around me I need Viagra. Well, anyway, I thank God that I have, that I'm surrounded by a staff that is very willing and very talented at humiliating me. Yep, we keep you grounded. Well, you'll not only keep me grounded, you then grind me down into the ground. You're welcome. You don't just keep me at ground level, you actually grind me down hundreds of feet beneath the soil. We make it worse.

And pulverize me. I am thrilled. I am thrilled about our guest today. He is scary, talented, and charming. He won an Emmy for his portrayal of Russian spy Philip Jennings in the FX series The Americans. He's also appeared in such films as A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood and The Post and stars in the HBO series Perry Mason. I am just all kinds of thrilled that he's with us today.

I'm going to say, he's one of my 15 man crushes. Yeah, I have 15. Yeah, me too. Actually, I think I have like 25 man crushes. I think you have a lot. I think I have a crush on most good looking men. Yes, yes. This might mean something.

Anyway. Matthew Reese, welcome. This is a, I think a first, which is I went out of my way to book you on the podcast myself. We've had the pleasure of talking to many great guests. And I think we've just been trading on whatever I've achieved in the last 27, 28 years in this cruddy business of ours, but you were someone that I was at a dinner with Mr. Rowan Jones, who is one of the giant brains behind Perry Mason, which I absolutely, my wife and I adore that show and absolutely love it.

And I started singing your praises at the table and saying, there's a man I've always wanted to meet. And Rowan said, oh, he's so funny. You'd love talking to him. And I was sitting there thinking, if only there was a way. And he said, you idiot, ask him to do your podcast. And I go down a shame spiral of, well, he won't do, he won't do it. When it comes time to say how he feels about being my friend, he'll say, I feel blank.

You know, something like that. Yeah, spot on. And I'll be filled with shame. And so, and then I reached out to you. He gave me your email and I personally reached out. I took the chance and said, would you do the podcast? This was, by the way, six years ago. Pre-Perry Mason.

I knew you would eventually play Perry Mason. Yeah, I love the long game you play. Yeah, I see that I play always 65 chess moves ahead. Yes. No, I knew, was very excited to talk to you. And then I sent you an email and you wrote me a hilarious email back and I thought, oh, I've got to contrive away to make Matthew Reese my friend against his will. And I think I've done that now.

It's worked. Thank you so much. It's in real pleasure. And I hope we meet again. Take care. It's been nice having you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Anyway, that was Matthew Reese. And trust me, that's about as much as you'd want to hear from this man. Notoriously dull. Really, and a cruelty underneath. Yeah. No one ever. You know, I had to sit here and listen while they were, you were only on the line for about five minutes with my staff before I entered the room.

I'm shaved and powdered before each podcast. I can see. Thank you. And, uh, but I heard you just being cascaded with how much everyone loves the Americans and they, they love Perry Mason and just how thrilled everyone is to talk to you. And I was filled with envy, envy and rage that no one said, no one in this group is ever that happy to talk to me. No.

So much excitement about you. Yeah. That's the Irish in you. They've always been envious of the Welsh, I think. Well, you know, I'll tell you something. There's something more exotic to me about Wales than Ireland. I know I risk, I know I risk pissing off all the Irish. Yes.

But we're a dime a dozen in this country, but Wales and that, and that incredible timber that you all have in your voices. And I'm assuming it's all of you. I'm assuming it's the men and the women walking around with Richard Burton heads. Yes. Talking to each other. That's exactly how it is. Singing.

When a baby's born, it has a full Richard Burton at 50 heads. Yes. It's incredible. And if it doesn't, they force it to start smoking. Goo. Goo, I say. Yes. Thank you.

Ta. But you know, the Irish wheel, like I say, we're just, oh my God, enough with the Irish. I'm not out there on St. Patrick's Day cheering on the Irish. I'm hiding in a corner saying I'm sorry. But I do think my God, the Welsh and Wales, such a romantic place and so many terrific actors and so many talents have come from there. And I just think of, I think of how that's where I need to be. That's the climate I need to be living in.

My assistant will tell you, I cannot, I'm living in Los Angeles and I don't belong here. It's killing me. The sun, people walking around with V-shaped torsos and people with teeth and I don't belong here. I'm supposed to be back in Ireland. Yes. With rickets. Yes, with rickets. With rickets.

Teeth are to be shaved. We were always told. But don't you, I mean, at least you're living in, you're living in Brooklyn, is that correct? Yes. So I get my feel of kind of gray drizzle, which is like crack cocaine to a kelt. So I am lucky when that kicks in, I sort of come alive. But the summer months are certainly challenging for me. Now I'm told that you had to evict a teenager from his room so that you could come into

the room and join me on this Zoom call and be part of this podcast. Did you ask beforehand if you could use this sacred space? No, it was, there was a small breakdown in communication. I'd spoken to his mother about it. I hadn't necessarily spoken to him. He famously and notoriously has the strongest signal in the house, which is why I evicted him. But he was, sadly, I assumed, as I've done on a daily basis, that some kind of communication

would be relayed to the children it hadn't. So I burst in and threw him out. And so it sounds like you weren't maybe the most gentle about evicting your son from the room. No. Now what about his reaction to you? After he said, Father or Pater, or I don't know what the Welsh equivalent is, I understand your needs and I vacate this space in your honor.

Is that what he said? You're very close. You're very close to his exact wording. It was an Olympic level dismissal from him. Very little was said. There was, you know, the classic Iroll, a tut and a bit of a shuffle. And then he called me dick under his breath. But he said it in that lyrical way.

Yes. Poetic way. Yes. It was as if he was channeling Dylan Thomas. It was remarkable. You know, the word dick in the original draft of a child's Christmas in Wales, I think dick is used nine times. Yes, you're right.

You're right. You're spot on with the numbers there. However, three times are referencing Uncle Richard. And one time, Uncle Richard's dick goes out of his way. Yes. Yes. He had a pass. Everyone thought, oh, we see what he's doing.

And then he went out of his way to stuff it up our ass if I see what he's doing. Tell me about you. I very much want to know. You grow up in Wales and something in an early age, you must realize you have ability, you have talent. I've talked to many people in the UK or Celts and they say that they watched a lot of American television. That was the same with you as well.

True. Very true. The Welsh, as opposed to the Scottish, the Irish, the Cornish and the Manx, if you want to get into it, they have this one element. The arts in Wales are incredibly revered and encouraged, especially in youth. So twice a year, there's this national festival where all school children have to compete being in poetry, in dance, in poetic recital and this thing dates back to pre-Christian age.

So there's always this very big onus, especially the Welsh-speaking Welsh, of this thing called the Estefod, which is this enormous festival twice a year where you're kind of pushed, kicked onto stages and forced to perform. It's like being a hockey player in Canada. When you're in the fetal stage, they give you a stick and you have to do it. This is the same for Wales. You have to get on the stage. We have to see what you've got in you.

Can you do it? But what are you watching at home? When you go home and you watch television, was our awful crap from America seeping through this brilliant, wonderful culture that you had? Yes. So that's what I think. Good. Yes, see?

You win. Yes. Yes. American crap. Yes. Done it again. End of podcast. See, that's what it is.

At four o'clock, we go home and we will watch Airwolf, Baywatch, the A-team, Stasky and Hutch. Jesus. What else? Stasky and Hutch. You were watching really old stuff. You were a young man, so you were watching Stasky and Hutch maybe 30 years after we had made it.

Yes. And you know, we would obviously have to get, we would have to absolutely jump on some form of livestock right down to the village hall where it was hand cranked on a projector screen and two Welsh people kind of shouted what they thought might be the audio. Those are, you should write your own child's memories of Wales that are all about you riding a large hog down the road to the local, you know, cinema, what do they call it, the cinema drone where someone pulls a crank and you all watch Stasky and Hutch. Yes, with no sound.

With no sound. Yes. What I'm told is the way to watch Stasky and Hutch. I would agree. Did you think when you were watching that, obviously, everyone's trained for the stage and you're so well aware of all the great Welshmen that have conquered the screen. Were you thinking, I've got to get to America, America's where I want to go or were you quite happy to stay where you were?

Well, there's this kind of strange dichotomy because, yes, we have this huge kind of stage history and, you know, everyone's aware of it, everyone does it and then to a point when I finally decided, you know, to kind of try and give it a go professionally. My parents were like, no, no, no, this is what you do for fun. This is your part. This is your part time. You're working on this professionally. But what America held was this it was incredibly exotic.

You own the cinema and you own television. You own those two mediums. And with that became this incredible kind of exoticism, if that's a word. And it was something very other, something so strange. So the lore of America, and especially Hollywood was enormous to me because the stage is what that I knew, but those elements of what was very other to me. I've loved your work in the Americans and I love Perry Mason.

It is somewhat ironic to me that you have this fantastic accent. You've had to do an American accent for most of this very visible work that you have. And I was thinking, you're getting to the point soon where I really feel like you can say, look, whatever role I play, I use my accent from now on.

I don't care if I'm Ronald McDonald selling hamburgers. It's going to be with this beautiful Welsh accent. And no one can say anything at this point, Matthew. You could do that. You could demand that. I've been demanding it for years. No one has listened. This just might be the turning point. Yes, yes. Now that you've secured me,

long believed the most powerful person in show business, I don't know why anyone would laugh at that. I have been around a long time and I have the power to get an email. I had the power to get Matthew's email. It seems like a robotic response that may well have been a bot. Yes. I still...

Were you slightly disappointed that it was an AOL account? I was. Yes, I was. Is that why you set the telegram? Yes, that's why I set the telegram. And then I didn't understand why you needed my American Express number, but I happily handed it over.

Yes. I thought this is a true friend. It's very, very kind of you. But, you know, I had an experience years ago. I was taping a comedy piece on the set of House with Hugh Laurie. And it was, I think, for the Emmys. And he needed to be Dr. House.

And so Hugh Laurie, on the set, he had a one of his, I think it was lighting, one of his lighting people or a cameraman spoke up who was also from England, but he was using his accent. And Hugh Laurie said, you've got to stop doing that, Nigel. It throws me off.

Don't do that. And he said that he had, he told me quite candidly that he had banned, I'm making up the name Nigel. I can't remember, but I think it'll do. He was wearing an RA, he was wearing an RAF costume. And I said, I said, the long scarf. Smoking a pipe.

And, you know, he said, Nigel, no, cut it out. Stop, because I've got to stay in this American accent. You must have that same situation where, I mean, does it ever get just bloody tired that you have to say, come on, let's get out of here. You got to tell that dame what she's up to, you know? Not really, because, and it was never more so than in Perry Mason.

What I always did as a kid was growing up in the backyard or on the schoolyard with the friends is you're impersonating Americans. You're always impersonating an American. No one, I don't know if I've said this before, but no one, you know, goes on to the schoolyard to play Downton Abbey. It's not, it's not, like, no, no, I'll be the servant.

I'll be the servant. No, no, I'll be the servant. So my vivid memories are of friends of mine doing these terrible American accents. I remember going, that's a fucking terrible American accent. You can't be B.A. Barakus with an accent like that. I do pity the fool, I tell you. He is.

I pity the chap. Yeah, try it. Nigel, get out! Why is Nigel always showing up? He's on the playground. Yes, he's everywhere. You can smell the tobacco smoke from his pipe. Damn, damn him.

So who are you pretending to be? Tell me, you pretend to be American movie stars, you know, from the past? Yes. Who did you like to channel? So, well, this is a danger for me sometimes, because I attributed to my parents who are very musical, and I think a musical ear will always help you with accents.

But sometimes in the early days in LA, when I was going in for an audition and the accent wasn't quite working, I would just try and impersonate people. And the person I always went to was George Clooney, which is kind of dangerous because he has a very distinct speech pattern. Right.

So sometimes the danger was you'd fall into impersonation and mimicry as opposed to kind of trying to generate something organic. But then when it came to Perry Mason, actually, the Americans was the greatest job any non-American actor can ask for, in that I was playing an alien pretending to be American. Yes.

If my accent ever failed, I would just go, well, he's not American, he's Russian. So shut up, Nigel. Then, in Mason... He's from Russia by way of Wales. Yes, yes, don't tell me. And then in Perry Mason, it was like, there was such an enormous amount of boyhood fantasies

coming alive where I had a trail beyond, I had a cigarette, I'm flicking the cigarette and I'm trying not to impersonate Humphrey Bogart because some of those lines, which I blame Mr. Jones for, was that he would kind of, they would pepper it with this 30s speak, this talk. Yes.

And he'd had to go, now listen here, sweetheart. So it was hard not to do that. You have to kind of remind yourself as an actor to try and make him a real person. You know, I have to say, I have, no one's ever been interested in seeing me act, but I have to say, like you, when I watch Perry Mason,

I think this is the kind of role that would bring out the child in me so much because you're wearing the fedora, you've got the beat up leather jacket with the tie and you're smoking and you're drinking scotch. It looks like it would be just such a blast. I mean, the sad truth is there are moments where you do think that's every dream you've ever wanted,

which is to play those kind of, you know, those Bogart parts. And then when it comes to the moment where you're smoking a herbal cigarette and drinking cold tea, you sort of go, this is disgusting. This is cold tea, it's not whiskey. And then you realize you just wanted to be those characters.

You didn't actually want to be an actor playing the part. You actually wanted to be those people. And that's when I, I did have that moment when Mason was like, ah, it's not quite what I wanted because I'm still just pretending. It's, you know, it's as close as you can ever be, but there's still that element. It's like when you go shark fishing for the first time

and you kind of, or you know, you're always pretending to be Robert Shaw in jaws. And then you realize, no, I just wanted to be a shark fisherman. I don't want to be Robert Shaw pretending. Right, I don't even want to be that. I want to be someone who's at the aquarium seeing a shark behind seven feet of glass.

Yes. But still acting like I've got the balls of a Robert Shaw. Yes. Still acting like, ah, you and me shark. Well, you know, look at his cold, dead eyes. But it's behind eight feet of glass. Yes. And I'm eating cotton candy.

Yes. Completely protected. I think that could be the beginning of something actually. The kind of the prequel to as to how, how Quint became Quint. He went to an aquarium. Yes, yes. With some cotton candy. You're lucky with his eight feet of plexiglass.

Oh, if it weren't for this plexiglass. Yes. Oh, you'd be dead shark. And he comes from very wet. His nanny is like, come along. Yes. He's just a big, big rich kid. You know, it's funny.

One of the things that I think plays to a strength of yours is you're a very, I can tell you're a very funny person or you have a great sense of comedic timing because there's so much about Perry Mason. You are the iconic American heavy, but you're always getting the piss taken out of you. You're always put in humiliating situations. You're always down on your luck.

There's a great scene where you've taken dirty photos of a film comedian and then he surprises you when you're in a phone booth and he just kicks the shit out of you. It's so great because you're always back on your heels in a way that I think allows you to be, you're admirable, but you're incredibly vulnerable and you're also, there are times

when you really are not that admirable. And I think it's fun. It's great to see you do all that. And that was just a gift that kind of, you know, Roland Jones and Ron Fitzgerald wrote. And they said right off the bat in the first meeting, they said, look, we're gonna load his bases. He's gonna be incredibly fallible.

He's gonna do a lot of wrong. He's gonna do a lot of right. We're gonna give him a lot of depth. And you know, he's got a hell of a journey to go on. So I was hooked from the pitch because it was everything, it's everything that's fun to do. It's everything that's interesting to do. And they just, they wrote it beautifully.

And it couldn't just all be luck because you're obviously, you choose well, but in the Americans, as you said, you're playing someone who's constantly shape shifting. So to me, the only reason I'd ever get into acting is if I could pretend to smoke a cigarette and if I could wear a wig. And you are constantly,

you and Kerry are constantly wearing wigs. Sometimes they look like high school production wigs, but you still manage to pull it off because it's realistic that you'd have a 1980s wig. You wouldn't have the Mission Impossible wig. No, and that was kind of the beauty and the fun and the kind of maddening elements of it is like, you know, there wasn't much of a wig budget.

So we had this incredible hair designer who had basically a box of wigs that she would pull out and then she would try and put it on Kerry's head and then she would try and put it on my head. And if it fitted us both, if she could work it onto both our heads, it would be a keeper and it would kind of throw into a box.

I swear to God, there were wigs. That'll be the title of my book, like wigs we've shared. There was one wig we called John Denver because it looked like John Denver's hair. And it was, that was the wig we more times in the Americans than any other wig. And we had the woman from the CIA come in to kind of who did the disguise of the CIA

and she was like, you kind of got both elements because some of them should like all the wigs that the CIA ever used were terrible wigs because they were only to be used from afar. Like you would never use a wig if you were getting close with, you know, so you kind of got that element. But then you do have a number of wigs that are far too good that we would never use.

We never use the lace and all of that. So, you know, we were touching all the bases, but we did have a lot of fun. All the fun came in the wig fittings where you would try and give yourself as many characters in the makeup room given that one wig before you had to step out on a set and be all serious again.

Right, it would explain why occasionally because you were sharing a wig, your character though male was wearing a beehive hairdo. Yes and then I'd go to work. Ha ha ha ha ha! You come from, would you say, Outdoorsy people, would you say that your parents were, I'm trying to get a picture of,

are these people that like to get outside and take a trek through the hills? Or is that something that's just in my imagination that people are doing in Wales? Is anyone doing that? Is anyone taking a trek through the hills? No, oh no. Hill farmers, that's about it.

It rains a lot, so most people are indoors on electronics. Oh, that ruins everything. No, no. Really, you wouldn't, come on, tell me you didn't use to strip to the waist, and you and the other lads would hike up the side of a hill and go to the bog. Yes, well of course, you know, we'd wrestle

and then, you know, at haying time, you know, we'd be siding swathes, far swathes of grassland, into hay ricks. And then there'd be cider and more wrestling. Well, this is the title of your book, Cider and Then More Wrestling. Yes. That's the title, we're gonna, you know,

sharing wings is another way to go too. Yes. No, we did. We had, you know, childhood wise, we were very lucky, my mother kind of hails. This sounds ridiculous, or melvillion. My mother hails from a long line of sailors on her side, so in summertime, in the summertime,

we would go, you know, we would go and play around on boats, you know, and then my father from a big farming family. So then, you know, I joke, but there was a lot of times we were packed off to the farms to kind of, you know, we say we helped, we were more of a hindrance. But yes, I always loved, I mean, listen, in my mid-40s, are they a bit rose-tinted and halcyon at this point?

Yes, they are. But we did kind of, you know, spend a long summer holidays on the farms in Wales. Now, do you feel at all that you have a responsibility, you have a, do you have a four-year-old, is that right? I do. A four-year-old, do you ever feel responsible to, oh, I've gotta get him to Wales,

so he experiences what I experienced, do you ever feel like you've got to do that? I do, enormously. I, you know, it's like a Celtic weight, you know, everything is problematic for the Celtic, I think. But I do, I feel, especially because Welsh was my first language growing up and the language itself,

as I watched my parents who fought and campaigned incredibly for the language to survive, it was in danger, it's only just been kind of taken off the Inesco, you know, endangered language list. So I felt, I felt, I feel this incredible responsibility, especially about the language. I only speak to him in Welsh, the poor, poor thing. You're kidding, really?

That's such, it's, yeah, okay, you are kidding, because that's such a, I mean, you're not kidding. No, I'm speaking every word of Welsh, which is why he thinks he's still in some kind of Tolkien novel, bless him. Yeah, you could just tell him it's Dothraki. Yeah. His friends can think it's Elvish.

It is a very, I mean, when I've heard that language, and it's the same thing, I'll say the same thing with Celtic, when I hear it with Gaelic, I think that's not, someone just took a bunch of consonants and put them in a paper shredder and mix them up and they're having a laugh at us. Yeah, well, we joke that the English snuck in when I took all our vows.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That was bastard. They've done it again! They've got the A and the E, bastards! Ha ha ha ha ha! All going through. They're going over the hill. They've got an A in a sack and an E in a sack.

And they're going over the hill. No, I grew up in, as I said, a completely Irish house and our grandmother lived with us and she used to just talk about the English, I'd be like, you know, Marty, that was 200 years ago. Ah, those bastards. Yeah.

That never goes away. It was 800 years ago for us, we still talk about it. I remember my passing my grandmother's room in my house, very crowded house, a lot of kids, and I passed her room and she was watching the movie Cromwell, which was made in the 60s. And I wanna say, was it Richard Harris? Richard Harris, Cromwell.

And so it's Cromwell who famously was no friend of the Irish, and I just heard her watch, she was just watching it going, oh damn him, damn him. And I'm like, he's an actor playing someone who existed hundreds of years ago. Damn him, damn him. She may well have been talking about Richard Harris and some slighty head back in the old country.

She had had a tour d'affaires with Richard Harris. Yes, 70 years earlier. Yes, it hadn't gone well. No. But then to be fair, we would turn it to Starsky and Hutch and she'd say, damn them, damn them. Where was this? I'm trying to get an image.

I was living in, right outside Boston, Massachusetts. Right. And this is back in the 70s and... You're grabbing this from Ireland? No, no, she was not from Ireland. That was just it. My people came over. Oh, that's right.

They came over, they waited for this, I think for the Civil War to be over, so that they would, because back in the Civil War, when an Irish person would show up, they would basically just put them in a cannon and fire them at the top. That was the main weapon we had. Yes.

Oh, they're shooting where Irish at us. And so, I think they waited it out. And then the minute that got sorted out, they said, let's come here and let's spend a few generations growing someone who can be on television, whenever that's invented. Yes.

It'll act like an ass. And... The long game again. But my grandmother, still, I mean, I think she was born in 1890, so she had a long memory of Protestants bullying her at school, things like that. And she would tell me, look out, look out,

the Protestants are gonna get you when you go to school. And I'd think, what are you talking about? My teacher has, you know, got it wearing a dashiki, you know, is from Africa. Like, I go to a very liberal public school, what are you talking about? No one cares about that shit anymore.

And then I was beaten with a stick. Well, of course, by a nun, probably. Yes, well, she would dress as a nun and hit me just so I don't know what else. Above board, but... No, I feel the same way where my children are growing up in, at least you're growing up in Brooklyn,

my kids are coming of age in Los Angeles. And I think this is not, I feel like I'm betraying my genetic commands. You know, I feel like it should be raining out. We should be inside, your mother and I should be bickering. Instead, we're getting along, it's sunny out. People are getting, are being adequately,

you know, their emotional needs are being met. This has no bearing on how I grew up. Now, where's your wife from? What are you drinking, by the way? What is that? Well, it's an exotic drink we have here. It looks it. It's called Diet Coke.

And you know what I wish I had done? I wish I had lied right now. I wish I had said it was bourbon. Or Guinness, yes. Oh, I love Guinness. So do I. I love Guinness because if you don't have time to eat a whole loaf of pumpernickel bread,

someone has taken the time to grind one up in a blender and turn it into alcohol. Yes. And then you can have it. And people think you've got hair on your chest. Yeah, the soup of kings. You could probably get a free, you know what you could get? You could get a Guinness tap in your home.

All you have to do, Matthew would say, I sure like Guinness and they were going to set up a Guinness tap in your house. There's one thing I could wish for apart from world peace, it would be a Guinness tap in my house. You heard it here first, Guinness, get on it. Matthew Reese wants a Guinness tap in his home and it will remain there for three hours

until someone else in the house makes him take it down. Slauncher, yes. But what, three hours? They will write books on those three hours. That's quite a beard you have right now. It's really fantastic. You look like an Orthodox Jewish man. It's a look I was going for.

It's a very impressive beard. Thank you. Thank you. I just wondered if I could do it. It's not actually real. This came with me from the Americans. That's all. I was going to say, there's a string in the back.

Yes, yes. It comes off very quickly. It's just my lockdown locks. I just, you know, during these turbulent times, if there's one thing we'd ever be allowed to do is grow a beard. So I'm going to have a go. I think it looks fantastic. Thank you very much.

I decided to let the hair grow. I can see. I get a beard once before and I'm becoming a very attractive, I think, female pop star from about 1973. Give me another clue, give me another clue. Let's see. I'm currently, I'm about to date. In a few years, I'll date Scott Bale.

Wait, Scott Bale from? Johnny loves Cha-Chi, happy days. He then became conservative. I think now he's a big Trump supporter. Was that, that was you saying, yay, Trump, right? That's it, that's it exactly. I knew it. Yes.

Wait, who are you? Who are you? What pop, four seventies pop star are you? No, I was making, I don't know. Oh, damn, I was enjoying that as well. Are you really got me then? I was in over my head. I was here, I was intimidated, I was writing checks

with my mouth that my ass couldn't cash, which is not a saying anywhere. It is now. You heard it here. Thank you. You heard it here first, Guinness. Guinness, by the way, get on it. Yes.

I will get you all the information. We've got to get a tap installed in Matthew Reese's home. Slaunch it. And yes, and if Conan gets one too, well, that's your business. Yes. But Matthew Reese first, then Conan. Yeah. No, I would very much love to someday have a Guinness with you.

You know what I wish? I wish I was from Wales. I really do. I think it adds so much. I think there are actors out there that pretend to be from Wales because they think it adds credibility. Well, I'm one of them. No, no, you are really from them.

No, I'm not. I'm from Surrey, just outside England. Just outside London. I looked it up on his website. Ice Cube says he's from Wales. I know. I know. I've had to go with him about that because I keep tweeting.

I'm saying, which part? Which part? Ice. Spell ice in Welsh. I just think it's wrong what he's doing. Yes. I don't respect it. Must go.

I don't respect it. Are you trapped in your home or are you able to get out at all? Are you able to travel to some other safe place during COVID? Help me. I'm trapped. OK, I'll get you out. Yes, I'm very well. Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to dress up as a Guinness tap delivery man. Brilliant. Brilliant. And I'm going to show up at the door and end and go, oh, so good to snub my accents. You're not as good as yours, Matthew, so let's not judge. Come on, come on. Please, please, just be patient.

Oh, so is this Matthew Reece I'm talking to. Oh, oh, Jesus Mary on Joseph. Oh, Matthew. Hi, won't you help me? Because you helped me, the tap is rather heavy. Could you, could you come in the back of the truck and help me get it out? Yes, yes, you only have one arm for some reason.

Let me, I'll back in first, like the woman in Silence of the Lambs. Yes, yes. Yes, shut the door. I drive you out of state. Yes. And we're wa- Harry won't care.

No, and we're wasted by the time we get to New Jersey. By the time we get to New Jersey, we're in the back. I'll have a driver. He'll drive us. And I will sit in the back drinking Guinness. Singing poke songs. Yes, poke songs. The sunny side out of the street.

The sunny side out of the street. What's the other one? A curse upon you, Oliver Cromwell. Who ripped our motherland? I hope you're rotten down in hell for the horrors that you sent to Ireland's fartless forefathers. I can't remember the answer. I love, oh my God.

There's also a, there's a, there's a, There's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, That's the one. Wait stop, that's the ending Irish song. Now I'm going to keep it going right now. Darn it, what's the one? Are you daughters from the White House? Are they from the Five and Dine?

I think my, I lost my accent towards the end because I had a small, I had a mini-stroke. Well no. Thousands are sailing. It was the dime, I think, took you back to America. Oh my God. Yes. What luck.

I think we're gonna be really good friends. I agree. If you would do me a favor, I'll get you hooked up with Guinness. If you tell people I'm from Wales, I grew up there, and that I was a fierce fighter. Yes, that's why you had to flee to Massachusetts. I was such a good fighter, I had to flee.

Well, you know, they will make up something like you killed a man in a binocular fight and his father, the Gypsy King, owed you all father money, something like that, and then you took off to Massachusetts. Okay, good, I got it, I got it. I like it, I like it a lot. I'll tweet this later. If you could get that word out there.

Consider it. This would help me a lot with my, what we call street cred. Yes. On this side of the pond. I've heard of that. Well, you've got plenty, trust me. Give me, we have a mutual acquaintance

of Mr. Tom Hanks, who you worked with beautifully in a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Yes. Isn't he a lovely man? Just, I mean, ethereal. I've never met, you know, everyone's always going, now find out what he's really like. See what the real Tom Hanks persona is.

And I came back and I said, it's more than you think it is. I mean, I listen, sorry to turn into the sycophantic actor, but he was above and beyond anything I could have imagined. Yes, he's one of those people who, I've sung his praises before, but when I was a writer at Cernot Live, a wee lad, he would come on the show and so I've known him

for many, many, many years and never seen him be anything less than angelic, except, I think I have his Achilles heel. I think he's competitive in a game. I think in a game, he's quite competitive. And if you can lure him into maybe slightly losing a parlor game, a vicious prick may come out. Tom Hanks did something, it's possible.

I don't know, I've heard tell. He's a horrible man, as you know. He's a terrible man. Let's stop the rumor here. Yeah, that'll take only, they'll pick up 40 years for people to believe it. Yes. There's a saying, I've read this, I don't know if it's true,

but when you won the Best Actor Emmy in 2018, narrowly beating me out for the role of Kippy. Yes. In A Girl's Christmas. Oh. You wanted to say something in Welsh at the end of your acceptance speech, but you forgot and you didn't do it.

What was that you wanted to say? Are you allowed to tell me? Oh yes, it was just a simple, it was a simple thank you to my parents. And there were all these things I wanted to say to the people of Wales or just to the kids of Wales, that everything you're kind of, what I touched upon earlier,

everything you're kicked onto the stage to do, sometimes it pays off. That's all I wanted to say. But then when you're there, there's a jumbotron. You get up, they give you the Emmy and there's a jumbotron and it has 45 seconds on it. And it counts down. So you become, as well as you know,

slightly mesmerized with the counting. And then when it gets to one, they start flashing in these giant letters, stop talking, stop talking. And it's kind of crippling in a way that crippled me, which is why I got off. Yeah. I have that same sign.

Yes. It's in my home. Does your wife? For anyone who's speaking. Yes. My wife hates it. She'll say, well, I'd like to say something had happened to me and then I borrowed one from the Emmys.

Yes. And it's just this giant. It's terrible because I do wish they would differentiate between people who can and should speak and people who we all know probably should keep it short. Yes. You're someone who should be, I will say this. I started my show, the television show in America,

the late night show in 1993. Good God. And I have, I know, I am, as you can tell. Yes. In my late 70s. Yes. Very well preserved. Yes.

But what I have said over and over and over again is that my favorite guests tend to be from somewhere around the UK because there is a culture there of speaking. Something that, and telling stories and being entertaining. And it's almost mandatory. It's in the culture.

And I've had an experience where I was, I've been in parts of the UK and I've been around some very funny comedians, professionally trained funny people. And then the funniest person will be the guy who's operating the elevator at the hotel. He's funnier than any of us. And I think there's something, I don't know what it is,

but there really is something magical about that culture. And I think sometimes American actors, and tell me if you think I'm wrong, they feel that they need to be difficult to speak to. Maybe it's something James Dean and Marlon Brando started where it's kind of cool to be looking down, monosyllabic, chain smoking, and they don't understand that no one was cooler

than Richard Burton or Richard Harris for Peter O'Toole, or any of these people that would come on a show and just blow you away with their wit and their storytelling. Well, those to me with the heroes, O'Toole, Harris, Burton, those are the men I grew up watching and kind of taking a greater fascination in their talk shows.

Because how many times did you have O'Toole on the show? Well, I don't think we ever had Peter O'Toole on the show. He was banned. Why? I just didn't like him. Yes. No, I'm kidding. Yes. You know what I thought?

I thought he could have done better in Lawrence of Arabia. I thought so. But then he just had the nose job. Yeah, exactly. That was... I thought he had phoned it in with Lawrence. Yes. I was gonna give him a chance after The Last Emperor,

and then I thought, let's see what else he's got. And then he passed away. No, I just never had the good fortune to have him on the show. We had Richard Harris. How was he? He was just absolutely delightful. I remember at one point, he was telling a story,

and it was so funny, we all exploded and laughed. And he pushed his talk show chair back, and it almost went all the way over. And I had to grab it to stop him from going all the way over. Like his feet were up in the air, just magical. Yeah. And it really is something that I believe is in the culture

where there's no such thing as, well, I'm an actor and I'm really cool. And so I don't entertain people. I become a character, and I take it very seriously. There's this notion that you can be both. I agree. You can be a great actor, and you can be the funniest person at the table.

Like I said, referencing those men, I grew up with that. I was always aware that every element of this incredible business has to be kind of, you know, attacked with the same level of professionalism, same level of energy, like if you're accepting an award, fortunate enough to accept an award, giving a speech, talking in public, they're all the same element to a degree.

So yes, I think there's certainly a long line of that in the dump. I feel that way when I'm at a restaurant, I feel like I need to be entertaining for the waiter. You've seen that, Sona. It's, and they often say, you're not at trial, Sona. Yes, that is correct, sir. Do you find that, are you very aware of that?

Do you find that very exhausting? No, sadly I don't. I find it very natural. I like to try and, if left completely alone in a parking lot at three o'clock in the morning, if one person wandered in and we started chatting, I would really try to give them a good time. I just thought I'd like to give a stranger

a good time in a parking lot. Yes, you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, how we all got started. That's how some of us are finishing up. Yes. You know, Matthew, this has been as delightful as I was hoping it could be and imagined it would be. Agreed.

I really enjoyed this so much. And I, like I say, you were the first and only person that I have reached out to myself. Honest. You said, please talk to me. And please talk to me. And please pretend to be my friend. Yes.

For an hour and no pay. Yes. And you were lovely enough to say yes. One of my greatest performances, I think. You. God. Oh, an asshole. Yes, yes.

Why, why? Why at the end of the 60th minute, why? Why would you put the knife in then? Damn his eyes. Matthew Reese, I bow to you. And I'm so grateful that you agreed to do this. And thank you. And please be well.

And I do look forward to a day when we meet in person and you can see what an impressive physical specimen I am. Yes. Yes, I had no idea you were so tall. But you were on Zoom right now. Yes. I can tell, I can tell. By, by, by, merely by perspective of that tiny,

that tiny desk and that tiny chair that you dwarf so easily. You know, I had the maid extra small. Oh. And yes, and I'm wearing Pee Wee Herman suits on the show. That's what it is. Anything to make me appear larger. Thank you very much, sir.

This was a real joy. It really was and a great honor. So thank you for the invitation. Okay, it's time to meet the second of our golden ticket winners. Feeling self-conscious that we're not giving away cash or a four by four. Do you know what I mean?

We're giving away nothing. A four by four? Like a truck? It puts a lot of pressure on the conversation. Yes, that's what a four by four is. I know, but why would we... What a four by four room you thought we were gonna give them?

We would give people a truck. Sure, you get a four by four. Oh, God. We'd get Will Arnett to come here and go, this beautiful four by four. You know, whatever, you do his thing. What a waste of Will Arnett's time. I think it's the best use of his time.

I don't know. All right, who are we gonna meet? Okay, well, the way this contest worked is you could find a secret message on the podcast, on the television show, or on social media, and register to meet you, Conan, along with Sona and myself. And today's guest is Ben from Denver, Colorado. Cool.

Let's bring him in. Ben. Hey, Ben. Hey, Ben. Hi. Hey, guys. How's it going? Oh, it's fantastic, Conan.

How are you guys doing? We're okay. It sounds like you're kind of a little bit crying. Yeah, are you okay, Ben? Yeah. I brought my boys with me here. I'm doing great. I'm just, I just can't believe this is real.

This is really happening just so to clarify for people who are listening to the podcast, when he said I got my boys here, he did not take out his testicles. He held up two small dogs. These are my chiltchums. Ah, yes. Your chiltchums, what are your dogs?

Those are two cute little scruffy dogs. What are their names? Yeah, so this is Teddy, but I was thinking of renaming him actually Catakai. Oh, Catakai, very nice. You're in the know. Catakai is God made him. As dog made him, actually.

As dog, yes. There you go. And then this guy is Oliver Danger. Oh, my God. Oh, very cool. They're very cute dogs. And I was thinking of renaming him Magooch. Oh, my God.

Very nice, very nice. Do you know it is an act of cruelty to rename a dog well into its life. So what's going on in your life? First of all, you're in Denver, is that right? Yeah, I'm just outside of Denver and Aurora, but I was born and raised in a tiny little two stoplight town called Clayton,

which is up in the Thousand Islands on the Canadian border of New York. Oh, very cool. Wow. We're known for our Thousand Islands dressing. Hey. And the two lights in the center of town. Yes, exactly.

You know what, I love Thousand Island dressing on pretty much anything. I really love it on corned beef. I like it on anything but a salad. I just, I love it on a sandwich. You come from this small town and then you made your way to the big city, Denver. I did.

I don't know if you can see my shirt. It says O'Brien's staff on it. Yeah. O'Brien's was the first bar I ever worked at in my hometown. I feel like I was just destined to meet you, Conan. I really do. Yeah, cause it's a very uncommon name.

Well, let me finish. Okay. I worked in an Irish pub in downtown Denver for the past four years. I met my wife who has O'Brien's and her family. Oh my. And my favorite author growing up was Tim O'Brien who wrote The Things They Carry.

So, see there's a connection here. There's a lot of Irishness going on. There's a lot of Irishness going on and my apologies for that. It's a dark strain. But no. You guys could be related too cause the last guest we figured out was related to Conan.

We don't know that we're related. We're all related. You probably are. We're all related sort of. You would fit in very easily in my household although you seem a little more sane than my real brothers and sisters. Ben, I understand big changes are coming in your life.

What's happening? Big changes, Conan. Have I got a story for you? When people say that, they usually disappoint. Oh my. No, when I'm just telling you in my life when people go Conan, have I got a story for you? They go, so I had a problem with my muffler

and I went to my Nikkie and I'm like, okay, that's great. So anyway, I'm sure this will be a good story. You go ahead. All right. So the wife and I, we wanted to start a family for some time and we weren't having the best of luck. My wife is also a bartender and bar manager but things weren't really going that well in that department.

So one day this old Irish man walks into her bar and he gave her a Celtic Irish necklace to wear. The very next day she called me crying and I thought something was wrong but she told me that she thought she was pregnant. Oh, that's a beautiful story. So it gets a little bit better because after about 30 pregnancy tests later at home,

we went to the doctor and we found out that our baby is due on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. Oh my God. So yeah, and unfortunately this old man that gave her the necklace, he recently passed. So it kind of has a weird Lion King circle of life vibe to it. So I was wondering, you know, do you believe in the luck of the Irish at all?

I do, actually. I do believe in mystical, magical things happening. I know people think that I'm a cynical, heart-edged guy but I do, that's a lovely story. I wanted to say that I was the old man because if I don't moisturize for two days, I look like a very old Irish man and that I was the one that came in and gave that charm

but no, this man has passed on. I don't want to steal his glory. I think there was some magic to it. I really do. I think there's magic out there. You need to. I'm a sentimental old softy. Do you have any ideas for the name of this?

Did you say it was a, do you know if it's the sex of the baby yet? Yeah, it's a little baby girl. We actually just went and got a 3D ultrasound yesterday. I don't know if you can see this, but that's good. Oh, look at that. Oh my God. Look at her face.

That is a perfectly formed, that face is more formed than my face. Oh no. It is, that is a more, that's a beautifully, what a beautiful baby girl. I know. You can see her. You didn't finish incubating.

I never finished incubating. I came out at two months and I just got, I got a job right away, I got to work. I had an umbilical cord for the first three years of my life. She is gorgeous. What are you thinking of naming this girl? Do you have any ideas? This is a good story, right?

Yeah, so the story continues. Yeah, my wife, a couple of years ago, before we were married, she said, I have a name for a baby. I had a dream that we had a baby girl and we named her Florence. And I looked at her really weird and she said, what? And I said, do you realize that was my grandmother's name?

And she had no idea. Oh my God. Ben, are you living in a rom-com? I know. I know, this is, I feel. I love this. You're gonna be played by Ryan Reynolds in two years. Oh, that's a good one.

I wouldn't hate that. I wouldn't hate that. He's a gorgeous man and I can say that as a story. Oh, trust me, I made out with him on the show once. Yeah. I did. I saw it. Remember that?

And that guy can kiss. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I saw that. I do him in a minute. Wait a minute. What is happening?

Well, I'm sorry. That was for a comedy bit, but you would, okay. Well, I keep thinking about it. That's all I've thought about since. This is a very nice story. I'm very happy that your life has taken this wonderful turn at this time of year, you know? We're very excited.

Besides, you know, this going in the golden ticket, you know, this baby has been the best thing to come out of. Yeah, this is the second best thing. When you think about it, the baby is this, Florence is the second best thing to getting to talk to us, which is the first best thing. Just so that our priorities are straight.

That's a love, no, it's a really lovely story, and I really am, we're getting them a baby present. Oh, is that what we're doing? Yes, there's not supposed to be any gifts, but I'm gonna send you some kind of baby present. It's actually. It's a screwball whiskey. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah, I know. We are not sending you any peanut butter flavored whiskey, just because they sometimes buy an ad on our podcast. We're gonna get them something a sponsor send. Yeah, no, no, no, you're gonna get a gift from me. This is really, this is really sweet. Roman?

You know, you're not getting a rectile dysfunction cream, because that doesn't seem to be an issue either. No, we'll take care of this, Sona. I'm really happy for you, Ben. You know, you seem like a nice guy, and it's nice to know that you're out there, and that, what's your wife's name? Her name's Leah.

Leah, that you and Leah are out there, and that nice things are happening for you. Thank you. And I know that if it had been a boy, the child would have been called Conan, it just didn't work out that way. I know, I know, maybe on the next run. No.

Or if Florence, if you grow tired of that name, Conan, since you're into switching names well into someone's life. Yeah, yeah. I'll table it for discussion with a missus. Well, Ben, this was very cool talking to you, my best to you, and tell your wife that I'm thinking of her, and we're really happy for her.

And yeah, we're gonna send him along. This is gift basket I do for my friends when I have a kid, and we're gonna send one of those to Ben. And then I'm gonna charge it to Sona. What? You won't even notice. Sona, just put it on your Costco card. You'll be all right.

He knows more about us than we do. I listen to you guys when I'm walking my dogs. So every day, right after work, I walk down the street, and people think I'm crazy because I'm laughing to myself because I'm picking up dog shit. That's the most common complaint we get about the podcast, is people say they were at the gym or something, and that they were laughing, and people thought

that they were having a nervous breakdown. So, well, Ben, it was really nice meeting you. Congratulations, and build up your sleep now. Thank you, and Sona and Gourley, I love you guys too on the podcast. You guys are a BLT sandwich. Oh my God. Very nice.

Maybe the bacon. No, you cannot. You're the soggy toast, because the tomato got it all soggy. What? So nice talking to you. Good luck. Always nice to see you take your shirt off, Conan. This is for you, Ben.

Check out these guns right there. Oh my God. All right. Oh wait, there's no guns in here. Do you think there was any chance that I was that old Irish man? There's always a chance you're an old Irish man. Whenever you meet an old Irish man in a bar,

remember, it's probably me making your wishes come true, then faking my death, then returning to my podcast. Anyway, he was a lovely guy. He was. You were very happy for him. Oh, he was a sweetheart. And for his new family. Yes, heartfelt congratulations.

And of course, our thanks to State Farm for making this whole golden ticket. I like this, I like talking to fans. I really enjoy it. It's very meaningful, and so thanks to State Farm. When you want the real deal, like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Thank you.

This has been a Team Cocoa Production. In association with EWOLF.