Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Melissa and the Cherry Wood Hand

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

Conan chats with Melissa from Detroit about risking life and limb building picture frames and what to do with the scrap wood left over. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com. Okay, let's get started. Hey, Melissa, please meet Conan and Sona. Nice to meet you. Hi, Melissa. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm just going to describe for our listeners, your hair is fantastic. It is a vibrant neon pink. Am I saying, you think that's a fair description? Yeah, you could consider that for your hair, maybe. I think I should do that. Why not? I think it'll look cool. I was noticing Jack White, you know, he's got this whole new look where he's got a kind of a pompadour and it's a fluorescent blue. Yeah. I was like, why not? Why not? Yeah.

And he's the ultimate cool guy. So I'm going to start just changing up the colors. I think you should do it. Yeah. I think it'll look cool. Me too. Okay. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Well, thanks for talking to us, Melissa, and I'm going to take off now. Melissa, all I wanted to do was get hair advice from you and that will dispose of you. Where are you calling us from? From Detroit, actually. Oh, you're from Detroit? Speaking of Jack White, yeah. That's right. That's right. Third Man Records right there in Detroit. Isn't it? It's in Detroit and Tennessee.

Oh, it is in Detroit too? There's two of them. Oh, I didn't know that. I just knew about the one in Nashville. Nope. We've been to that one, but I know he has one in Detroit as well. And so you're in Detroit and tell us about yourself. Well, I work at a wood shop where we make frames out of reclaimed hardwood flooring. And this is a relatively new venture for me. I'm not really a woodworker. I'm just learning how to do it. And I've been working there for about six months. Some aspects of woodworking can be a little dangerous working in a wood shop.

Do you ever feel like it's dangerous? Every day, yes. Oh, Lord. Get out of there, Melissa. Stop working there. You sound terrified and very unsure of what you're doing. What describe the machines you're working with? We recently got a double miter saw, which we nicknamed the Cobra. And it's basically two saw blades that come chopping down on a piece of wood at the same time to cut the miter corners for a frame. And you're just making, are you making picture frames? Wait, why are you using massive metallic dinosaurs to make picture frames?

This sounds like very big, very scary equipment. Yeah, because you have to cut the corners for the frame. So two giant blades come chopping down. What else are you working with? Describe some of these machines. A table saw also is scary and new to me. There's a router, a table router, which is also, that's probably the scariest, that cuts the keyholes in the back of the frames. So wait a minute, you're saying that all these things frighten you. Do you feel pretty expert around them? No.

Okay, Melissa, I don't ever want you to go back there again. I know, never, ever go back there again. These are big, heavy machines. You said you haven't been doing this that long. And it's one thing to say, what are you up to? Oh, I got a job at Starbucks. And, you know, I'm making, what are you making lattes? You know, I'm not, I'm not great at it yet, but you're not going to get killed. This sounds very dangerous. And like not something you want to be messing around with. No, I think it's good because it was one of the reasons why I wanted to get the job was

to become more comfortable around these kinds of tools because I have an old house that I live in that always needs to be fixed. So I figured if I learned how to use all these things, I could do those fixes myself. Okay, so I'm trying to conquer my fears. That's good too. That's why I often cover myself in lard and pigs blood and then jump in a pool of sharks so that I won't fear them anymore. And it's working. I have no torso anymore. I'm just a bunch of legs held together and arms held together with string. But I've conquered my fears. No, no one can tell. Trust me. You can kind of tell. That's why you move like that.

Yeah. Wow. Okay. Is there any safety protocol there? Are they first? Yeah. Well, yeah, there was a safety video that everybody else watched and I wasn't there that day so I missed the safety video. Melissa, what did the safety video tell you to do? Like, what are you supposed to do if like you lose a limb? What do you do in that situation? Well, you're supposed to throw it in a cooler. You're supposed to... And then go on a picnic? Wait, if you lose an arm, you're supposed to throw it in a cooler? Yeah. With what? Your other arm? Yeah, you're supposed to have a... It's called a parts recovery cooler.

What? There's actually a cooler made for you to throw human parts into if they get chopped off and it's called the parts recovery cooler. Melissa, are you working in jigsaw from the Saw Movies workshop? No. Is there a sort of a weird doll puppet at work? So, okay, you throw an arm in the cooler. Yeah, and you go to the hospital. Does anyone ever keep yogurt and sodas in there too? Fuck, man, someone... Hey, my soda's in there. Be careful. If you're fucking arm. I got a tab in there. Is there ever just an arm in there but no one's missing an arm? That happens. We got an extra. Anyone needs an extra. Who's got an 18-inch sleeve?

Good God, this is incredible. Okay, I'm just... I'm blown away. I'm blown away by this. Wow, I hope you take care of yourself. I'm worried about you, Melissa, because I mean, I'm glad that you're conquering your fears, but I want you to be really careful. Okay? Yeah, I am. Thank you. I don't believe you. I'm very worried for you. Yeah, you have such a calm, unimpressed way of speaking. Okay, I... Thank you. Thank you. Okay, whatever. I gotta go now. I'm gonna use a new machine called the Grind and Smash. Where's my blindfold? Yeah.

Can you watch the safety video now? I mean, is it... You should though, right? I should. You should probably watch it. Yeah, you're right. Okay. Have you had any... Does anyone in your family ever done this kind of work before? Is this in your blood? My grandpa's, and they're both missing fingers. Oh, my God. That's a nice reaction, Sona. That's fantastic. My grandfathers were both terribly maimed.

She's scared in everyone she knows is lost limbs. I don't want to laugh, but that's... Well, that's why you have... Hysterical. That's why you have the cooler. You know, you're walking right into a family cursedness. I mean, don't do it. My grandpa lost his thumb too, you know, on a saw. I feel like it's really common with grandpa. That's true, yeah. My uncle lost his finger.

I think very old people should not be operating these machines. I don't think they were old when they were operating it, but... I know, it's so funny to me that I just immediately went to... My grandpa sort of, my grandpa, sort of my grandma. Yeah. My grandma was on a motorcycle three weeks ago and wiped out, you know. No, it's clear that it happened earlier in their lives, and they didn't have the cooler. If you have the cooler, they can reattach most everything even, I'm told, the head. They can even reattach the head. I saw it in a science fiction movie from the 50s.

Oh, then that's true. Yeah, he saw it in a movie. Yeah, it's gotta be true. Wow, Melissa, this is incredible. Is there anything... You hold up all 10 fingers on... Yeah, let's just make sure. Okay.

There you go. I do this in the car on the way home from work every day, like... You look at your hands? No, I count my fingers. Did you think you would lose it and not know? Yeah, wouldn't you know? No, it's just like double checking. No, we understand, but how would you have not known at the time of the lost finger?

Yeah. Like, you thought you might have forgotten? No, you threw it one day and you're like, oh, one's guy! Yeah, it's that night you're at a party and they serve poi, Hawaiian poi, and you go to get your fingers in there and you're like, whoa! I left my index finger at work and I didn't even know it. Melissa, is there anyone there at home with you that we could talk to? Just my dog.

Oh, no. Okay. Does your dog ever help you out around the shop? No. What if in the background, your dog just has wheels for feet? And that's how we find out. Oh, my God! What happened to your dog?

Oh, he came one day to help out. She did this to me. Oh, sad roux. Well, Melissa, when you're not risking your life and literally your limbs, what are your hobbies? What do you end these days? I screen print. I like to screen print.

And I'm trying to learn how to play the guitar. Oh! But you specifically need your fingers. I know. This is, yeah. And I'm learning how to type and I make a lot of fried chicken and then lick my fingers. No, but do you say you're learning the guitar

because that's something I know a little bit about. I, that's a hobby of mine. What kind of guitar do you want to learn how to play? I mean, what kind of music? Well, I got really into Buddy Holly over the pandemic. Whoa! That's my, that's my guy. Yeah.

I'm a Buddy Holly fanatic. Yeah, I love Buddy Holly. So I didn't know anything about guitars and I Googled to find out what kind of guitar he played and then I bought that guitar. So you bought a Fender Stratocaster. The brown one with the white area. It's called Sunburst.

It's, it's, it's a, it's Sunburst with a white pickup. Yeah. Um, sorry. 19, 15, five, 56. I don't know who to side with right now. Well, I'm sorry. You're just showing off a little notch. No, I'm telling her she's got to know the lingo.

I know, but you're doing it in a very smug way. That's the cool. No, I'm sorry. It's the two extremes. We got the nerdy know it all and then white area. I don't know where to go. I don't know where. I'm here to help you.

You should know that you have a Sunburst Strat and I think that's, that's one of the great guitars of all time. And I love that you're learning Buddy Holly. That guy took three chords and could do anything with them. And man, I just, I mean, what's your favorite song of his? Um, I like, um, you don't listen to Buddy Holly. No, I do. This is all a lie.

No, it's not. You lost both your ears in a lay vaccine. And you're just lying to me right now. No, I don't. I like Words of Love and I like all the songs on the apartment tapes thing, but I'm trying to learn how to play Peggy soon. Oh, well, it's pretty simple.

That's A-D-A-E. Yeah. Oh, and then they throw in an F at one point. Mm-hmm. Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, see you. Yeah. That's the F. I remember that being a drag when I was first learning.

You know what? A great one is Rave On. Learn Rave On. It's in G. It's a great one. And it's, I like ones that are just, that's the song that I play when I'm hyperactive and I need to get the craziness out of me as I play Buddy Holly's Rave On.

You know what's going to happen? You're going to get so good at woodworking. And so, expert, you're going to make a guitar. You're going to make an electric guitar. But you're going to lose a finger while doing it. Well, that's one of those things. You know, it's going to be, you know, I bought you a brush. Yeah, I bought you a clock fob.

And I sold my hair to buy you a, what do you, Matt? Matt, what are you saying? A clock fob. That's the gift of the Magi. Yeah, I was going to do the gift of the Magi, but I don't know what you guys are talking about. I don't think it's called clock fob. A watch fob.

Watch fob. Yeah. I don't know what you guys are doing. Basically, it's an old, famous story about someone who wants to get his wife a gift and she has beautiful hair. So she, he gets her a brush and then, but she cut off all her hair and sold her hair to buy him a clock fob.

Oh, geez. Okay, Buddy Holly Stratocaster 12-9-er. I got to go. I got to go. Don't even respond to that. I got to go. I got to go. You're right.

You're right. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have said it. No. I got to go. Melissa, you're seeing very cool. You live in Detroit, which is this incredibly cool town. You're into Buddy Holly, which puts you at the very top of my list.

And you risk your life every day so that people can have picture frames that I think could be easily mass produced without human intervention. This makes you a hero in my book. You realize picture frames, just machines out there stamping out picture frames every day and one guy has a joystick and he's sitting 35 miles away operating. But no, you have to be there with the smash and grab, with the grind and bleed, with the stab and thrust and risking your life.

I'm kind of on Conan's side. I don't know if we want to risk limbs for picture frames. I mean, is there something else we can make? I don't know. There's a product that used to advertise on our podcast called Fracture. Oh, God. Oh, God. No, no, no.

They would take pictures and they would reproduce them in glass. No, we're good. And I just think they still, they can't afford our ads anymore, but I just want to say Fracture. That's the way to go. Melissa, maybe you should go do woodworking that makes prosthetic limbs. Yeah. You're going to get so good that whenever this accident does happen,

you're going to... Don't say, No, no, if, if, sorry, if. And when? If and when this happens, you're gonna quickly make yourself a beautiful cherry wood, varnished hand that's fully articulate.

And don't lose your hand. No, you're gonna be fine, Melissa. The reason we joke is we know it's not gonna happen. I think you're very safe. Mostly. Me too. I wish I was as confident as you are. The fact that she missed safety video day.

So I'm just trying to add positive notes. Sorry. I don't feel at all positive from Melissa. I was trying to be, she can't. At least one hand is going. There's no way Melissa can hear. Probably because we know. I'm sure that I've been muted at this point.

There's no way Melissa's hearing any of this. Fire of the cooler. And there is. But I mean, this thing puts mice in it. Yeah. What if you open the cooler and there's like, it's just packed with other people's stuff. They lost their day.

Well, God damn it. There's no room in here for my limb. We need two coolers. Oh my God. Who's microwaving hand? Okay. Okay, I'll go. You are way off today.

You're just way out of control, Matt. I gotta go. Yeah. It's just too much time at the Rose Bowl swap meet. You know. All right. Take it easy. Take it easy.

I did find a cherry wood hand there. That was beautiful. We know to send it to Detroit now. Melissa, do you have a question for me? Is there anything I can do to help you? Is there any question I can answer for you? Yeah. So since we have a lot of scrap wood,

like cutoffs from the frames, we try to use every part of the material that we can. And I was wondering if you had any ideas for other things that we could make with the scrap wood. Like we make a lot of triangles. You make a lot of triangles. Sometimes they look like this. Yeah.

So you have basically for our listeners, Melissa's holding up various pieces of wood in simple geometric shapes. Like what you would imagine would be trimmed off the edge of a picture frame piece. There's just a scrap board. Okay. It's a piece of wood.

I think, in my opinion, Melissa, that's fine. You've shown us way too many pieces of scrap wood. Melissa's held up at least 15 pieces of oddly shaped wood. In the least useful size I've ever seen, I think if all of these were glued and hammered together, it could make shelter, a sustainable shelter. You could build a whole home. You know how much Americans love kitsch?

If you in your Detroit neighborhood built an entire house, a structure that people could go into and visit that was made just of corners of picture frames, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of them nailed together with powerful nail shooting guns that are operated by people that don't really know how to use them. Yeah, it's me.

Yeah. You could live. And then people would drive all over. I'd do it. I'd say my wife would be like, where are you going? And be like, I'm gonna be back in a couple of weeks. I'm driving to Detroit. I'm gonna check out that frame corner building

that's made of just frame corners. My friend, Melissa, built it. And now it's a shrine to everybody who thinks they can't do it while they can do it. And then I'll pull up in front of it and you'll be out front. You'll just be ahead by that point. You'll be ahead on a red wagon.

You'll be like, oh, hey, Conan, good to meet you. And I'll say, hey, where'd your body go? Oh, you were right. You were right, but I'm good fine. I'm defined just as ahead. I just sit on this red wheelbarrow and they drag me around. Hand me that guitar. Can you hand me that guitar?

I play it with my teeth now. Well, hello, hello, little things are you saying to you. Make me want to be with you. Melissa, I like you a lot. You seem very cool. Please be safe, OK? I will. You're a very cool person.

I'm going to make this house. Yeah, start the house right away. Watch that safety video. Tell us today you'd get off this and watch that safety video. She will. And Melissa, I hope our paths cross. I really do because you seem like a very nice person and you've got a very cool, dry sense of humor.

So I look forward to seeing you down the road all in one piece, OK? Yes, thank you. All right, thank you. Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff,

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vavino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Bekton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher,

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