Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Mike Birbiglia

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

Comedian Mike Birbiglia feels terrified about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Mike sits down with Conan to talk about taking advantage of his many ailments, not being the class clown, and giving back to the community with Tip Your Waitstaff. Plus, Conan provides another taste of his spinoff podcast focusing on well-endowed historical figures. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Mike Brabiglia, and I feel terrified about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast, where I use whatever power I have left in show business to make people, literally make people that I admire be my friends, joined as always by my compatriots, my assistant, Sona Movesessian. Yes. Am I saying that correctly, Movesessian? Yeah, I'm hoping after 12 years you've learned how to pronounce my name, Conan. It's Movesessian, I believe, Movesessian. Yeah, why are you saying you believe? But that's not your real first name, is it?

No, we've talked about this, it's Talline, thanks for reminding me, and yeah, that's not my real name, but it's my middle name. Well, Conan is not my real first name, so there you go. Oh, what's your first name? Bruce, I am Bruce O'Brien. I wish. Bruce O'Brien would be cool. No, it's not a good name, Bruce O'Brien. My first name saved my ass, because it's like that song, that Johnny Cash song, a boy named Sue, where his dad calls him Sue, and then he turns into this amazing fighter, because everyone wants to fight him.

The fact that my name was Conan meant that I had to develop some kind of quick physical strength or a quick sort of wit. I don't think I developed either, but I did have to be quick on my feet in various ways, and so I do think my name saved my ass. What about you, Matt Goorley, producer extraordinaire? Do you like your name? Do you like Matt? It's kind of boring, and I always got Goorley instead of Goorley when I was a kid. I might have talked about that before. And then when I went to Ireland to visit my old family homestead, I said, hi, I'm Matt Goorley, and he goes, no, it's Goorley, and they were right all along, all those bastards in elementary school. Yeah, and you know what, even if it wasn't, the Irish would love to tell you it was Goorley. Oh, maybe that's what they're doing. Oh, they're just, they love to take the piss out of you.

I'm back, and I have a few extra things to say. What? What happened? I have a few extra things to say. How did he get back in here? I hated this experience. How did he get back in? I can get in whatever I want to. I'm the passcode. Oh my God. This is, ladies and gentlemen, let me explain what's happening. Our guest for today's podcast, Mike Berbiglia, has finished his interview.

He's signed off because we're doing this in a COVID safe way, so he's in a secure bunker somewhere in dead of Massachusetts. Not true. All true. I mean, your classic lies, everything on this whole podcast is a lie. So then you burst back in, you signed off, you're supposed to be gone. This is the part where I pretend I haven't talked to you yet, you prick. And now you've ruined the illusion. How do you feel now, Berbiglia? You know what, I had a nice time, and then I thought about it. And then I logged off and I thought about it, and I thought, you know what, they're laughing at me. They're not laughing with me.

They're laughing at you. Mike, since you're here, why don't you just take the introduction into yourself right now? Mike, here's the deal. You've ruined what I thought was a beautiful illusion. I mean, first of all, this isn't just, I know you do a podcast, and like many podcasts, you just throw something together and serve it up. Mine is nothing like that, but go ahead. This is a beautifully constructed Swiss watch. It's a gorgeous mechanism. A lot of thought goes into this, and what we like to do is have this chat first and then talk to the guest. Now, in reality, we already talked to you, but then you come busting back in to our Zoom session while we're recording this, and you ruin everything. How do you feel about that? Let me ask you this, Conan. Has anyone other than you ever described the podcast as a Swiss watch?

No. Yes, I was talking to a Swiss watchmaker about six weeks ago, and I was complimenting him on his craftsmanship, and he said, it's nothing like what you do. It's a Swiss accent, said the guy who has no idea what he's doing. He said, it is like what you do with your podcast. You will never be welcome in Switzerland, Conan O'Brien. No. What do I care? Conan with, they're like, we're putting up Conan with boarders. I don't want to ever see him. Look, I didn't have time.

I didn't have time yet. My guest today is hilarious comedian, writer, director, and actor who's performing in front of audiences World Five. His best-selling book, The New One, is out in stores. His podcast, Working It Out, is available wherever you go for podcasts. I'm thrilled he's with us today. Mike Berbiglia, welcome. I would have introduced you so much better than you introduced yourself. I don't think I should be me introducing. I think my equity goes way down with the audience. Way down. Not even close. I'm anxious. I'm anxious genuinely because I was analyzing this today. I was very anxious about doing this because I was an intern on your late night show on NBC in the 90s. Yeah.

And so you were technically my boss, even though we didn't really interact. And then I think that dynamic never goes away. No, nor should it. Look, you, a bunch of people, Mindy Kaling, John Krasinski, Mike Pence, were interns? Well, I'd heard Pence had done late night. Yeah, yeah. He was an intern in 94, 95. L.A. Kemper. L.A. Kemper. That's another one. J.J. Walker. There have been so many people who are interns on the show. Jimmy J.J. Walker was an intern on late night with Conan O'Brien.

Yes, and it's awkward because it was long after Good Times and he was in his early 60s. And I remember it was just awkward for all of us. At that point, his catchphrase was dino might? It was dino maybe. Yeah, exactly. But once an intern for Conan, always an intern for Conan. Now, you said we didn't have any interactions. It's all a blur to me. The 90s man. We were all doing so much. We were all doing so much coke.

Yes, there was so much coke. There's just coke flying everywhere around the houses of late night. Did we have interactions? Did we have? We didn't. We were told during our intern orientation that we should not speak with you. However, however, but there's a huge caveat because for good reason. Because there's so much going on in your day. So everyone's busy. Everyone has their own job. But they said if you want to make an appointment to meet with Conan to talk about your career,

he's totally open to doing that. Yes, and I've done that many times. And then I made my appointment and then I got mono. Oh, you're kidding. And I had to leave the show. Oh, wait, you. Oh my God. Halfway through the summer. And so we never had our sit down.

So maybe this is our sit down. You know what? This is our rescheduled sit down. I can't believe Mike Brabiglia intern on my show was scheduled at the time. You must have been what early 20s. I was 19. 19. Okay. Yeah. And you were scheduled.

And that was going to be the conversation where I told you all the stuff that I told Krasinski and Kaling and Ellie Kemper, the stuff that made them stars. That's when I was going to tell you all the secrets and you got and you got mono. Yeah. And that set your career back years. You're going to be like, you're going to be like, don't take the part they offer you. That's the lead. Be the person at the desk that seems like they're a side character.

And then later they sort of become everyone's America's sweetheart. Exactly. That's what I was going to tell you. But you got mono. I got mono. Wow. Yeah. Okay.

Well, I'm glad that's very infectious. I'm glad we didn't have that meeting. Kiss and disease. Yeah. Got out. Yeah. Listen, what's with the, you have had so many health issues, which you have. Yeah.

I don't want to say turn to your advantage, but I'll say exploited. You have used. I think both of those mean the same thing. You've harvested your illnesses. And that means the exact same thing. You have taken these things and turned them towards your own purpose to aid and abet you. Conan, it's almost like you don't want to see me in a positive light. I think here's my impression.

A lot of people say, and listen, you know that you are beloved. You are a hilarious comedian. The work you've done. Mike, that's a guy who gets a lot of top notch respect. But I, and people say the great thing about Mike is that he's taken all these things that have happened to him that other people would be sort of crippled by or, you know, sidelined by and he's used them in his comedy. And I say, no, the people I respect are the people who go through terrible, terrible things

and just shut up about it. And don't use it for any creative purposes. FDR didn't do stand up nights. He didn't do open mic nights where he was like, you know, and then I got polio. You know, you didn't hear him saying that. He just shut up. I'm sorry to interrupt, Conan, but how dare you mock one of our greatest presidents? I'm not mocking him.

I admire him for what he did. I admire that he decided not to turn all that stuff into a killer stand-up set. He just shut up about it. He beat the Germans in World War II. That's what he did. But no, and you could have done that. You could have sublimated all that pain and all that suffering. And instead, you had to go into comedy.

Yeah. It's a hook. I mean, yeah, so the things that you're referencing are I have a sleepwalking disorder, which is serious, a jump through a window. I had cancer when I was 20. Oh, my God. I had Lyme disease like 10 years ago. I mean, I had type 2 diabetes that reversed that. I've had a lot of stuff.

You've had a lot of stuff. I got to get the vaccine. If you know anybody, Conan, if you know anybody. I don't understand why you don't have the vaccine. You feel like someone, you'd be at the top of the list because you have had the list of things that have happened to you stunning to me. It's a lot of stuff. And then on top of that, I have like a family history that's ridiculous, which is my dad had a heart attack when he was 56. And his dad had a heart attack when he was 56.

And so I'm just sitting aside that whole year and I'm getting an Airbnb by the hospital and I'm keeping a flexible schedule. I mean, what are the odds I don't have a heart attack at 56? Well, okay. First of all, I have some questions and let's pretend I'm a doctor. Are you want to statin right now? Probably not. Because I reversed my type two. I'm trying to avoid the statin.

Do you take a statin? Yeah. I've been taking a statin since long when it was experimental. I was taking a statin in 1964 at the age of one. I was taking a statin when it was intravenous and it caused a high fever. So I don't know why you're not on a statin. I want you on a statin immediately. I want you on a statin.

By the way, you and your armchair diagnosis, you and I both have that in common. Our parents are both doctors. My dad's a retired neurologist. Yeah. My doctor. My dad. Funny that I can't call him my dad. What does that mean?

I call him my doctor. I have no warm feelings towards my father at all. My dad is a microbiologist. Oh, wow. So he, and what's interesting, and I don't know if it's the same for you, but when you grow up and your father is a doctor, what happens is they're dismissive of any ailment that you might have. Yes.

And so I don't know if it's the same for you. Especially when your mom has it. Yeah. Well, I'm serious. I would go, anything we said to our father, he'd be like, eh, the body heals itself mostly. Yes. That's what he would say.

He would say totally, and so you could maybe con other parents that you shouldn't go to school and my dad kept those tubes with the throat cultures in them. The stuff that everyone's getting jammed up their nose now for COVID. Yeah, yeah. He fed you those. He jammed those into the back of our throat. Oh my gosh.

And he is not a dexterous man. So he acted like Jackie Gleason with a pool cue and we would just jam it back there and scrape it around and we would gag. And he'd be like, gag. He'd lose his temper and go, eh, settle down. And then he'd pull it out with chunks of throat on it and flesh. And we didn't want to go through that.

So we just shut up and we went to school. So he sort of did that as an activity instead of like soccer? Yes. His thing, his activity was jamming sticks down our throat. And then cheer for you, cheer for you at the game. Yeah, exactly. And then nobody, none of us wanted to complain about an illness. So I was originally, I lost eight brothers that way to various

easily curable illnesses. So I lost eight brothers to diseases that were largely cured in the 18th century, like palsies and fluxes and. I'm finding this line of humor very offensive. I hope you are. I hope you are. But I can't believe you. Speaking of illness, like when I was, I was moved by your fresh air

interview when you said that you were sort of later in life diagnosed with some level of depression, but you always thought you didn't have it because your friends would be like lying, you know, couldn't get out of bed kind of depression. And I was actually, I related to that because I've always been like, I don't know, my friends have depression, but I don't have depression because I get stuff done. I get out of bed and I work hard, blah, blah, blah.

And it's like, I think I, I, I'm in your universe of that. Yeah. It was a big, I mean, for years and years, I used to say, I'm not depressed, depressed people can't get out of bed. And I have great empathy for people that have had real depression. And when you read accounts of it, that this, the idea of existing is horrifying to them. They're that miserable.

I never had that, but I was highly anxious all the time, like wake up in the night, wander around the third floor of our house as a kid, just high levels of anxiety. And that lasted for years and years and years and years and all through my early comedy career. And I just thought, well, that's just anxiety. And then it took, actually going and seeing a professional who said, well, no, anxiety is kind of a subset of depression.

Yeah. And so I didn't, I was the same as you though. And I think there is kind of an Irish thing. I know that your mom is Irish. My mom's Irish. Yeah. There is an ingrained Irish thing that I know I have, which is, no, I'm good.

I don't have that. I'm all right. I don't have that. I'm fine. I'm good. And I'm, it's almost unbecoming to complain sometimes about an illness or focus on yourself in that way, especially about mental health.

But as you know, Conan, I use that to my advantage. Well, you, I think in a very calculating way, I mean, lucky you with the cancer. Oh my God. The second you were diagnosed, you were like, yes. That's finally, that's finally an angle. That's an angle I can use. Doc, doc, help me out.

Can you find anything else? And it's really, it's, it's fascinating to me because you had these things happen to you, which are quite unusual. The rest of us are like, I think exaggerating what we are. I'm a big exaggerator, as you can probably imagine. And I've had some real kooky things happen to me, but I've exaggerated also. And I was stunned that like you were, so many things have happened

to you where exaggeration was not even necessary. You know? No, no. That's, Ira Glass has always said that about me with, because he's worked on two movies with me and a bunch of stories for this American life. And he's like, he's like, you can't follow your own sleep walking story for the rest of your life.

You jump through a second story window in your sleep. Like there's no, there's nothing you can do that's sort of a better story. Can I ask us, was something that confused me is I always thought even if you're sleepwalking, there'd be some part of your brain that wouldn't let you do something that would imperil you. Do you know what I mean? That's what your dad told you.

Yes. You mean my doctor. No, but I'm serious. I, do you think, was your brain thinking it was doing something else when you jumped out the window? Yeah. So my brain thought, the dream was that there was a guided missile headed towards my motel room.

That's right. At La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington. Yeah. And I jumped out of bed and go, what's the plan? They said the missile coordinates are set on you specifically. So in my dream, and then it turns out because I have REM behavior disorder, it was in my life, I jumped through the window so as to detonate outside the window when the guided

missile hits me for the sake of the platoon. And so then I jumped through the window through the glass like the Hulk and I land on the front lawn and I'm, and I get up and I'm running and I'm running slowly realizing I'm in the front lawn and this is actually to this day, my favorite part of the story, as I'm, people always go like, when did you wake up? And I say, as I'm running, I'm realizing I'm on the front lawn of La Quinta Inn and I was for an instant relieved that I

hadn't been hit by the missile. I was, I was thinking that would have been a disaster. Yeah. At least I'm still in the game, but I'm bleeding, you know, and I've like glass in my legs and all this stuff. I have to walk to the front desk and be like, I just had an incident. I'm staying at the hotel.

I just had an incident. I jumped through the window and so I went to the emergency room and they took glass out of my legs. But that, yeah, I mean, it's horrible, but I've even had it. I had sleepwalking the other night. I mean, I, You're still doing it. I do it every, particularly, and maybe I'll end up getting

some emails from doctors and folks because whenever I talk about it, people always chime in and they go, the answer is, you know, and it's always like some kind of herb or some kind of, you know, it's always like no more carbs. And I'm like, I don't know if it's no more carbs, but maybe, you know, and it always seems to happen in December, January. If I look at my cat, I put it, I always, whenever sleepwalking happens, I put it in my calendar and it's been happening.

And it's happening in a little bit of February. It's been happening a lot lately. And I think it's the anxiety of the election and the inauguration and everything. I mean, it's just like, it's just been stressing me out and it's nothing like jumping through a window, but it's like waking up like in my bedroom hallway kind of thing. But you know, all of these things can be a gift.

And one of the things that's I think, and I remember thinking this when you, when I saw sleepwalk with me, that when you describe this, what I remembered thinking is in your subconscious, you were in a dangerous situation and you behaved valiantly. You did a brave thing to try to save others. And what occurred to me is all of us are always wondering how would we measure up in a situation like that?

And part of me is suspicious that if I was sleepwalking and thought and was in a similar situation, I would try to sacrifice someone else around me. Yes, yes, yes. So what we know through this terrible event that you went through was, yeah, you got some glass in your leg and it was very traumatic, but we know that you're a brave, selfless person because of that.

You would have knocked on Matt's door and said, I'm going to throw you through a window. I would have said, if I would have been sleepwalking, I would have said, Sona, come to the second floor of the La Quinta Inn, bring Matt Gorley with you, and Missal's headed this way, but it's filled with candy. And embrace it when it hits you. I will be in my car several miles away, but it's filled,

trust me, it's just a pinata, you'll be fine. So I hope you, Conan, I hope you don't find this offensive. I find that to be calculating. Damn it. So you're saying that maybe, maybe you and I have more in common than I've ever imagined. You know, I saw your last live show. Live show.

Remember, you came. I came. And I was so thrilled and I saw you in the audience because you're a big man. You know, it's so funny because I didn't think, I never think people can see me in the audience and I forget that basically I look like Jane Lynch, you know? I mean, she's much more attractive than me, but I'm a

very tall, attractive woman. And so people can, I have a big balloon head and so people see me, but I saw your one man show and I saw it in downtown Los Angeles and I absolutely loved it. And I had this weird feeling of, because I had, I knew that, you know, we've talked about it before, but I knew that you had interned with me and I had this sort of feeling of pride, like, oh, my, my old friend is doing well.

Like if someone, if someone, if someone who had any, and then I realized I did nothing to help you. So, you know, who am I? I mean, literally it's like, I rode a bus with you and I was sitting up towards the front and you were in the back and then later on you went on to big things and I'm like, I'm proud of him, you know? You're a role model and you've always been so nice to me.

You've had me on the show for years. And then I know that we never had our meeting, but I will say that that summer changed the course of my life because your writers, Brian Stack and Brian McCann, Kylie, like a handful of writers, I would ask them, I would go like, I want to be a writer. I want to be like a writer for this show. Like what should I do?

And some of them said do stand up. Some of them said, I did stand up. Some of them said, I did improv. I went back to college. I learned how to do stand up. I learned how to do improv. Like I just went for all in on essentially everything your writers said and I will say like, it's from the top down.

That was like one of the nicest group of writers you could ever imagine in addition to being so funny. You know, it's nice as we've always been blessed with really good people. I mean, here we are, what, 27, 28 years later, which is unbelievable, but to even contemplate. But to a person, the writers I work with now are really, I mean, you'll back me up on this, Sona, because you know

them as well as I, they're just really moral good people. And I should pay them. But. We have some similarities, you and I, but then we, there are some differences. When you were growing up, you considered becoming a priest. And I have to tell you. Yes.

Not for a second did I ever think priesthood. And I grew up in a very Catholic family. What was that all about? Do you think what was the law? I was, yeah, I similarly, I mean, I was going to say you're in Somerville, but you weren't in Somerville. I was in Brookline Mass. You grew up in Brookline and I grew up in Shrewsbury.

Oh, Shrewsbury. Which is outside of Worcester. And Worcester is where all my people are from. We're all from Worcester. Oh, really? Yeah. My parents just, I think they were chased out of Worcester and had to flee to Brookline, but literally my entire

extended family, like on both sides, they're either in Worcester or Milbury or, you know, and every single person went to Holy Cross College. First of all, my dad went to Holy Cross College and that's how we ended up there. Second of all, I think the only way to leave Worcester is to be chased out. It's the chase, it's chased out 95.

I mean, I got the crap beat out of me by kids in Worcester when I was like, I remember ninth grade, I went to St. John's and Shrewsbury, which had a ton of kids from Worcester. I mean, they just saw me as a mark. They were like, this guy. They were like, we're going to practice punching on this kid. I love how there's no end to the pettiness of turf wars,

meaning, you know, you can contemplate like, oh, a west, an LA gang might have a problem with a New York gang. But when people from Worcester are saying, look at him, Shrewsbury, let's get him. What are you talking about? Find Shrewsbury on a map. What are you so mad about? So you grew up on the same ad campaigns, Jordan's Furniture.

Jordan's Furniture, Waltham, yes, yes. Waltham, Nashua, Avon and Reading. I used to listen to all the ads insisted on mentioning every single town in Massachusetts. And so my childhood was constantly hearing, eh, Danbury, Needham, Newton, you know, Brockton, Braintree, Burlington. And you're just like, you don't have to name them all. We got it.

We know we'll find it. We'll find your store. Just don't name every single place. So to get back to the precincts, I went to St. Mary's School for six years. And the joke I always make is I was an altar boy as a kid and the answer is no, I wasn't. And I think it's because they knew I was a talker.

I have that look about me. But I was, I really was lucky. Like, I mean, it happened a lot and I was lucky. But I always remember being on the altar and watching the priest and going like, I want to be up there. And I feel like you'll relate to this part because I thought, he's killing. Yes, yes.

I mean, these priests, they kill with nothing, no material. Our priest at St. Lawrence, he used to, prowl the stage like a standup comic. And this is in the 1970s and he'd prowl the stage and he'd be making jokes and killing with the crowd, the crowd, the parishioners, the crowd. The crowd. He'd be killing at the club.

I mean, Christ's home. And, but then he would, when he would do this thing where he, he had this kind of Jimmy Cagney wise guy attitude and he'd keep his hands in his pockets and he'd be jingling the change in his pockets and going, yeah, I tell you, I tell you. And, and, and, and, you know, talking about whatever lepers and Jesus and water into wine and stuff like that.

But then he would end the way a Catholic priest is supposed to end the whole, when the, when the service is over, he says, go in peace to love and serve the Lord. You know, and this guy would go, love and peace to love and serve the Lord. And then he got, he'd go, I guess he'd go, love and peace to love and serve the Lord. Have a nice day.

Have a nice week. See you around. Oh my God. What? He'd be like, you know, like he was ending his variety show. Have a nice day. Have a nice week. See you around.

And you're like, and I used to think, yeah, go ahead. My brother Joe was always more of the class clown growing up. And so we would sing that song, which was Christ has died. Christ was risen. Christ will come again. And we'd be, I'd be sitting with Joe at like Christmas Mass and he would do like spoof versions. He would go, Christ has lied.

Christ was in prison. Christ will come at 10. And I always thought that, that's pretty witty. Christ will come at 10 as a solid joke, even as a grown-up. Yes. I thought, that's pretty good. I, you know. He was like the weird owl of church.

Well, I have this theory, I don't know about you, but you, you were not a class clown, right? No, no. My whole thing is like, I, I was the kid growing up where I would look at the class clown and I would be so confused by why people were laughing. Yes. Because he, he'd walk in and be like, you're fat, you're gay,

I'm out of here, you know. And I was always a little fat and a little gay. Like I never got along with that guy. And that was better. I don't know what your problem is. I love that guy. I wish, I'd kill for material like that. I remember the class clown literally in, like in gym class,

like to be, I'm being crude, but it was real. He'd pull his dick out and he would whack people with it. Like it was a wet towel and people would be like, Kenny's hilarious. I'd be like, he's not hilarious. No. That's not funny. No, this is my point.

You're making my point for me and beautifully, which is I was not the class clown. I was always horrified by the class clown. You know, the class clown was the guy who would get up when the teacher was out and move the clock around ahead 15 minutes so that, you know, class would end earlier and the class clown would be doing all this outrageous stuff. And I would think, you can't do that.

That's, stop that. Leave that. That's a timepiece. You can't alter a timepiece. That's a timepiece. You know, that, whatever. I, I've said this before, but class clowns always die in a motel shootout when they're like 20 age.

Oh my gosh. You know what I mean? Oh my gosh, that's dark. But that, but it's true. They're like, you know, they start out being the class clown. The motel shootout. Yeah. They end up.

I love that you double down on that detail. You go, no, no, Mike. It's true. It's true. Look it up. Anyone who's ever been a class clown. If you're, if you're beating people with your penis in gym class, it's only four more steps to,

I've got a sawed off shotgun. I'm crouching behind the ice machine and I'm shooting it out with the brain tree police. Like that's just a number of steps and it's not that many steps. I feel like you and I have a thing in common, which is like when I relate to you most when I see like your movie, Conan O'Brien can't stop. What makes you, what do you relate to in that part?

I have a chapter in sleepwalk with me, the book, which is called literally, I can't stop. And it's all about, it's that same thing. It's like, it's when I see you touring, you just have this thing of like, it's right after your show and off the air that you went on tour, right? Yep. And it's like, no, no, I gotta keep entertaining people.

That's what I do. That's my whole thing, you know? And I have the same exact instinct, which is like I've been doing virtual shows in the pandemic. A lot of comics don't do it. And I'm like, well, of course we do. That's what we do. That's what we do.

We entertain however we do it. It's kind of an old school. First of all, it's not a choice. It's just your, it's, I think, who we are and my wife all through pandemic, my wife, Liza, has been saying, we've got to get you an audience. This is.

That's so insane. And literally, I should put my wife on this right now to talk because your wife and my wife should have a conversation sidebar. Right. About us that I think would be healing. Yes. For them.

Yes. And it would probably help our marriage. Well, also my wife's tired of my material. Your wife's tired of your material. And so what I'm talking about is like a couple swap that's not sex at all. What I'm talking about is a couple, a couple swap where I.

Okay. I'm listening and I'm listening. No, no, there's no sex. There's no sex. Trust me. No, I'm listening. Keep going. Keep going.

Tell me more about this. We're swingers, but how it works is I, your wife has to listen to my material and my wife listens to your material. That's how it works. And so which, which, which pivots me to my, one of my main questions for this podcast, for you, even though I'm not supposed to have questions,

which is if we're friends, like the podcast says, then you need to, you need to give me your email address. Oh yeah. You can have my email address. Okay, great. I'll give it to you right now and they'll edit it out. I'm going to write it down. I'm not kidding.

This is real. I'm going to email you. I think we'll set it, we'll set it up. We'll set up the zoom. No, but you know, okay, this is a true story. We have two dogs and one of them is quite old and he's got this arthritis. And so there's a woman who's a terrific vet

who comes by once in a while and just checks on his hip and works on his hip a little bit and does a little ultrasound. And then he's much better for like two weeks and she comes by every now and then. And I'll just, I'll throw a name out there. Her name's Dr. Heather. And we just call her Dr. Heather.

Her name's Heather and she's terrific. And she comes by and all through pandemic, occasionally once a month or so, I'll see her out in the yard working on our dog Bosco. And I happen to know that she's, she's really funny and she's got a great sense of humor and she's a really good laffer. So whenever I see her out there,

I practically run out into the yard with my mask on and she's got a mask on. And I'm like, hi, Dr. Heather. And she's like, oh, hi, Conan, good to see you. I'm like, yeah, good to see me, good to see anyone. And she'll start like, trust me, substitute like some actual funny stuff in there. And I will be, I will do 40 minutes

and people have to come and take me away. And so that was the, that was the, that was the thing that actually affected me too. When I was, I was a control room intern at late night in the nineties for that summer. And so I would see you warm up the crap and you're warm up. And I don't think anyone knows this

because they never see the warm up unless they come to the live show Rock Center. You are like a, you're like a vaudeville entertainer. You're doing songs. You're doing jokes. You're, you're playing guitar. You're doing everything. Yeah.

It was crazy because I had to tone it down in the early days of late night, 93, 94, 95. I was, I don't know if it's insecurity or just not knowing what the fuck I was doing. I would go out and I would do a full show before the show and the crowd loved the show before the show. I think because it was all about them and I would give 110%.

And often when I look at, if I happen to look at a show from 93 or 94, I can tell on the monologue, I'm out of breath from the, from the unaired warm up where I was singing and juggling and doing all this stuff. And then I learned later on, it's not good for the show

if you give them the best 10 minutes up front. And then it's the same thing, by the way, if your audience is Dr. Heather. Exactly. I'm just throwing it out there. If you blow, if you blow the strongest 10 minutes up front with Dr. Heather, you got nothing to close with.

Dr. Heather has a restraining order against me. She's like, I owe him again. And I'm like, and it's just cause she's such a good audience. And I'm, that's, I think that's my favorite, that's my favorite kind of laugh in the world. I, my daughter's five now. And that's like such a good age for the hardest laughs at the dumbest jokes.

Right. You have one child. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. She's, she's five and she's actually almost six. She's five and three quarters. If you want to get specific. It's amazing.

And like one of the things that I discovered recently is that knock, knock jokes are endlessly hilarious to five year olds. So it's like, like, so I, so if I, if I just made one up, I go like knock, knock. Who's there? Conan. Conan who?

Can it, can anyone open the door? I'm freezing out here. And it's like, and she's, I'm telling you, my daughter loses her mind. It's great. You're, she's, you're decan, you're doing deconstruction comedy. Yeah. And a five year old loves it.

I also love when they tell jokes. And I remembered, I think it was my son when he was like four or five, got into, I can make up jokes. And they don't kids jokes make no sense. No, no, they're a lot. But they would kind of get the rhythm of it. And it'd be like, what did the guitar say to the antelope? And you go like, I don't know, Beckett,

what did the guitar say to the antelope? You've got some nerve. That's not your soup. And you'd be like, what? Yeah. But there's part of me that also loved. Hey, they kind of have the rhythm. And who's to say that's not a great joke.

She's a, yeah, it's so funny because whenever I, whenever I talk about my daughter, everyone always thinks that she's still one year old because in the show and in the book, she's one year old. And so I have to constantly be like, no, no, she's like, things are great and she's five. And cause she's, she's at that age right now where everything she says is adorable.

Like the other night I said, mom's going to put you to bed tonight. And she said, she's not your mom. She's my mom. And I said, that's what my therapist is telling me. Because if you think about it, all, all toddlers have a Boston accent. They're like, I'm tired and Boston toddlers are like, I'm wicked tired.

That's true. The Boston accent, the Boston accent is just a child's accent that never matured. That's what it is, right? Yes. That's fantastic. So are you doing, I know you're doing stuff obviously on zoom and you're doing, I mean, you're doing,

I'm doing, literally I'm doing five shows Valentine's weekend that are all different, all new, like all new material. Right. And it's like the live version of my podcast. My show is called, my podcast is called Working Without, where I work out material with other comedians. And I hope to see you on it very soon. I will, I would have your email address.

I would love to do that. Seriously. I would be honored to do it. Okay. Awesome. So I work out new material and then I do it in these live shows. So I'm doing it Valentine's weekend, five shows. And then the final show, 100% of the proceeds go to regional food banks

because food banks are just doing the Lord's work right now. Unbelievable. I worked with a, and work with a food bank that's run by no relation, but a really close friend of mine, Father Paulo O'Brien, which is in Lawrence, Massachusetts, which is like per capita the poorest, one of the poorest urban areas in the United States. And he told me once years ago,

if you're trying to get a kid, a young person to not do drugs or, you know, not commit a crime, if you're trying to get them on the right path, you can't make any headway if they're hungry. The first thing you have to do is feed them. So he mobilized a bunch of people and put together this amazing food bank in Lawrence mass called Core Unum. And it's fantastic because people are served.

They don't serve themselves. They're served with a lot of dignity. And it gave me a real respect for, like, that's the first thing you have to do is feed people. Yeah. Like, you can't get, you take care of that. And the hierarchy of needs, that's number one. I'm going to write that down. Core Unum.

I'm going to have that be one of the food banks that we give to with the Valentine's Day. Oh, seriously? That'd be really great. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. What if you found out, then, that you looked into it, and then I'd made it up to make myself sound like a good guy? Like, you looked into it and they're like, there's no Core Unum in Lawrence.

That is so... And Lawrence, and it's like, and then they went, were you talking to Conan? And you were like, yeah. Oh, no, no. He just says that. Conan does that. That's new Hollywood Conan. Hey, man.

New York. New York Conan used to give to food banks. Hollywood Conan. He just has made up stories about food banks. About food banks that don't exist. And he's always saying he cured a disease that we looked into it, and that disease never existed either. Oh, God.

I know you're doing a lot of work also for comedy clubs, and you're doing this thing that I just wanted to give a shout out for, because I think you do this with Roy Wood Jr., which is you launch this thing, tipyourweightstaff.com, which is a way to help people. And I know that Gary Goldman's been Nikki Glazer, John Mulaney have been helping out with this. That's a great way to help keep these places going

at a time when they've all been shut down. Yeah, we started that in March, because I was driving to Buffalo Helium Comedy Club, and I was listening to the radio and the scientists, and I was going, oh, I think I should be heading home now. Right. And then I drove home, and I've been in ever since. But then the first thing I was talking to Roy Wood Jr.,

and we were like, well, what are the comedy club staffs going to do? Because comedians could make it for a few weeks, a few months. But a lot of the weight staff is week to week. And so we did this thing called tipyourweightstaff, and we raised probably three-quarters of a million dollars from different, it was the go fund maze that all are housed on tipyourweightstaff.com and are still there.

So you can go and you can put in your zip code and find your local comedy club. That's a great idea. That's a terrific idea. Support your weight staff there. What I'm going to do is launch something that sounds like that, but the funds go to me. That's what I'm going to do.

Oh, God. I love thinking. Oh, God. I do this all the time. I think of what's the worst thing I could be caught doing. And then I, like, what's the worst behavior, you know, that I could exhibit. Yes.

And me, so that's the kind of thing. Sona, you're familiar with this. I will go on at length at work about, I could start at charity, and then they could find out that the money goes to me. So I can buy Arabian ponies. And then the pictures of me and the press being, like, completely unrepentant, like, screw you.

You know, no, you said you were helping lepers. I'm entitled to an Arabian pony. I don't know why it's a sick thing, but you are legitimately doing wonderful work. And I'm just, you know, usually these tend to go very quickly or they feel like they go very quickly. And you and I have been talking for quite a while and it's just flown because you're such an easy person

to talk to and in many ways such a, I feel like such a kindred spirit. I think our minds work in similar ways. And so. Why don't you do one of your stupid commercials and then wrap it up? You dick. Why don't you do one of your dumb fucking commercials

and get out of my room. This is my private office. I see what you're doing. You're making me hate you. So I can, you're, I see what you're doing. You're nagging me so I break up with you. That's your classic, classic Irish Catholic move. All right.

No, no, I gotta, I gotta break it back. I gotta break it back. No, no, I'm sick of you. No, no, no. I'm not gonna break it back. I hate you. I hate you, Mike, for big Leah. And I don't support you or any of your wonderful endeavors

to help the needy. Oh, God. No, I, I so appreciate it. And I've, I mean, again, I have a boss, you're, you're my boss for the rest of time. So even if you were like, Mike, if you gave, if I came on the podcast today and you were like, Mike, a position just opened up to be an intern on my podcast.

Unpaid. I would be like, unpaid intern on my podcast. I would be like, I'll be on the next plane to Los Angeles. Wow. What terrible, terrible business instincts. But I'm going to email you and the email is going to be striking up a friendship that will be long lasting and I will glean all of your wisdom and I will use it against you until you die,

Conan O'Brien. Which I will eventually in 110 years, as the devil assured me when I got the late night show. Hey, listen, Mike, this was an absolute joy and thank you so much for taking the time to do this. And I look forward to doing your podcast and being kind of a prick on it. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to be sort of monosyllabic on your podcast and not helpful. That's my plan. She says, well, I want to thank Matt and Sona because you're doing, you're doing God's work listening to this gas bag go on and on and on. When does he stop? I mean, he made a documentary about how he can't stop.

I feel heard instead of having to hear. And the rest of you on this Zoom, we're not even going to say your names. They're just all sitting there just figuring out a way to monetize it. That's what they're doing. I'm talking to you, Adam and you, Aaron and Joanna and Jen. We're all judging you in real time.

This will not be edited. Hey, is that a sheet hanging up behind you? Yeah, it's a sheet. I mean, it's all like, this is all like, I mean, I have sound. I mean, I'm surrounded by like, by like pillows. You know, in the sixth sense, that little fort that the kid makes to hide from the scary monsters. It looks like that's where you are right now.

That's funny because my daughter made it with me and we call it, for the podcast, we call it the pillow. There you go. And Ira Glass made this point, which is the only practical skill from growing up in childhood that applies to radio is building forts. Yes. And that's why that's when my voice sounds like silk. That's why this is a perfect voiceover for security blankets thing

that you're selling. Was it the weighted? I don't know. I don't even know what we're selling. I add it later on. Your ads. I'm like, I was listening to your ads. Your episode.

I was like, I was like, he's giving them way more for their money than their parents. Yes, I do that. I tend to do that. That's a two minute ad of Conan O'Brien doing a sketch for them. Yes. Yep. For Halliburton.

You know what's up? It's always me. I always forget like what the product is and then later on I'm like, oh right, yes, they make machine guns. I did find it unfortunate when you did that ad for Enron. I think they got a raw deal. And you know what? If their checks clear, I'll read the copy.

Enron, it's time for a second look. That's what I say. Hey, Mike, we're big. You are a scholar and a gentleman and I admire you and I'm glad to know you and I can't wait to know you better. You too. Thanks Conan. Thanks for being my new friend.

Last week, we did a segment on a show called Big Dick History. Oh, for God's sake. And even though we're recording this before that comes out, the reviews have been raves. People are clamoring for more Big Dick history. Really? Okay. Yeah. Well, you know what happened?

And I'm reticent. You know me, I only like to operate on the highest levels, never get in the gutter. But I'm always dragged down by my compatriots. We were chatting about history podcasts. I love a history podcast. I cited some of the ones I listened to, Revolutions. I listened to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. I always like to try and learn something by finding out more about history.

I know, Matt, that you enjoy a history podcast from time to time. And we were talking about that. And then I was at Sona, who introduced the concept. Was that you, Sona? Well, in my defense, you brought up Rasputin. I just said, I brought up, I was talking about Russian history of the early 20th century. I started talking about the Revolution, Tsar Nicholas. I brought up Rasputin.

And the minute I said Rasputin, Sona was like, he had a big dick. I said what everybody was thinking. And I mean, Sona was in like, you weren't even listening. You had gone into, because we're doing this over Zoom. I could see that your eyes, your eyes were like almost fully closed. You were almost completely checked out because Matt and I were chattering on about World War One, the increasingly dire position of Tsar Nicholas and Tsar Nicholas. Sona was out like a light.

And then I just said, of course, and then there's Rasputin and you went, he had a big one. And suddenly you weren't just awake, but you had superpowers. You could have lifted a Volkswagen over your head in that moment. Yeah. And then you started firing off names of other historic figures that you believe probably had, were well endowed in the penile department. And that started one of you miscreants, foul mouthed wretches, saying, hey, we could have a show called Big Dick History.

And then I changed my tune. Because then I realized, wait a minute, these history podcasts are kind of a big deal. Yeah. And then sex podcasts are a big deal. There are these, aren't these two women that discuss sex on a podcast? Huge. And there are various sexual podcasts. And that got me thinking, I felt like Edison in that moment.

Oh. Discovering the light bulb. Or Tesla inventing the electric car, the Tesla. Oh, Tesla, huge dick. And alternating current too. I love that people don't think Tesla just invented the Tesla. And not alternating current. But anyway, my point is, I thought, wait a minute, this could be,

and no, there's no pun here, no crass pun. This could be huge. This could be massive. Yeah. This could be engorged. This could be a giant podcast because you'd get history fans. Yeah, giant dick podcast. This is a backdoor pilot for the pilot that will spin off of this and eclipse the other podcast.

A big, girthy pilot for... Yeah, throbbing. It'll be a throbbing podcast. Yeah. Yeah, turgid podcast. I mean, this thing is just salute and full tilt. Just a veiny podcast. With a flag just flying on it.

I hate both of you. I think you're awful people. If you guys take it too far in that direction, it invalidates it. I see. The way it has to be is I have to keep this on the straight and narrow, so to speak. Okay. What I have to do is keep it somewhat rooted in history. Sona, you just love your filthy talk.

Yeah. But I think that if we really did talk about, hey, who historically was known to have maybe a large member, and then maybe we talked a little bit about their careers and maybe how their penis influenced their success or their failures. That could be a real podcast that satisfies both constituencies. Right. Okay. Yeah.

Don't you think? I see where that makes sense. Yeah. You act like you're above it. But when I brought up Rasputin, you're like, yeah, Rasputin in the monk, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, and he had a big cockaroo is what I think you said at the end of that. I don't talk that way.

That is exactly what you said. Matt, I'm sure I didn't say that. And you'll now play a tape to disprove that that was said. I'm sure it's going to be you and the Mugush voice going cockaroo. I said a cockaroo. I love how I can, that's how easily I can be lured. I'm trying to be above it all and as a scholar. And then you guys, if you, all you have to do is, is tempt me a little bit and I go,

that guy had a real cockaroo. Oh my God. I honestly don't know who. I mean, Sona, you brought up, oh, John Dillinger. I know he had a giant penis and I actually know the story behind that, which is in after he was shot and killed, they let the press like into the morgue and it looks like he has a giant penis underneath the sheet. But from the other angle, you can tell that it's his hand and which is in the, you know,

so it was his hand pushing up on the sheet. But the problem is whenever I, whenever I try to say to Sona, no, that guy, I don't think really had a big penis here. So that legend got started. She accuses me of trying to, of having penis envy. Yeah. About. You immediately had that explanation.

Like, you know a lot about John Dillinger, but you also know that his penis was not as big as people said it was. I actually have read someone dispute that. And so I, you know. Just an interesting thing to read about him. What about Milton Burrell? Milton Burrell, everyone knows he had a massive, massive penis. He and also Forrest Tucker is also famous for having a large member.

Forrest Tucker was on F-Troop, on the TV show F-Troop. There's that famous show business story where, I mean famous story where Milton Burrell and Forrest Tucker are at some event together. Sword fights. And everyone knows they both have massive penises and they, someone is trying to egg them on into comparing their penises to see who has the bigger one and they're about to do it. And famously, I don't know if this is an apocryphal tale or not, but famously a friend of Milton

Burrell said, Hey, Milti, just take out enough to win. Meaning, his was so big that all he had to do was take out like a third of it and he would win. Well, there we go. We've done it. That's big dick history. I really hope that would have, like, got into a sword fight, like a dick sword fight. No, all right.

A dick fight. I'm sorry. I want this to be a better podcast than where it is right now. Now look. Cacaroo. Cacaroo. You realize if we ever had any chance to win like a prestigious award for this podcast, like something really prestigious, because I do think we have a really good podcast and

people really do seem to enjoy it, it's all going to go to shit once big dick history hits the airwaves. And I'm the logo. The logo is me winking and going, Cacaroo. I'm never going to get, you know, the Mark Twain or the Peabody or all those things are out the window. Come on. Peabody is the perfect organization to give this podcast an award.

The part of the body that pees Peabody. To get a dick. That's so lame, Matt. So lame. No, because that was just childish and silly and wordplay and beneath you. Well, I can have my cock and eat it too. Oh, come on. I hate this.

These prestigious awards are now lost to us because you guys have me on tape several times as saying, Cacaroo. Someone is behind you taking your Emmys. Every award I've ever won is going to be stripped from me. I'm going to be like someone who was found to be doping. Except I wasn't doping. I think I tried to conduct myself well in my career and I did win some nice awards. And now all stripped because the committee discovered that I have a podcast that I produced

called Big Dick History. And at the opening of the show is me saying, hey guys and girls strap yourselves in because you're going to see a real big Cacaroo. Everything I've tried to do in my career is gone. Oh my God, you leaned into it though. Yeah, you're reinventing the medium. You're bringing big dick energy to podcasting. Can I tell you something?

Which is never been done. Can I tell you something? I do think this could be a huge money maker. I think this could be and I, Adam Sacks is the genius behind all things. Get in here. Don't you think you're very respected in the podcast community, big dick history. Is that a money maker? I think it could be really huge.

Yeah, I think we can make a lot of money. I see major merch potential. Now I see merch potential, but what about advertisers? Are there advertisers are going to want to be on? I think we're going to be getting a call from Roman like tomorrow. Oh yes. And when we know that when we did this last week, Aaron already registered the domain big dick history. So we're good.

Aaron, is that true? Did you register the domain big dick history? We own big dick history dot com. I can't believe it was available. Turns out Sona tried to buy it five years ago, but then she got high and forgot. The other trend in the podcast industry now is that there's a lot of derivative opportunities. People look at podcasts as pilots for potential derivative. So I could see this being a documentary series, maybe on HBO Max.

You're not thinking the BBC for this? Good evening and welcome. I'm the ghost of Peter Eustonoff. Tonight, big dick history. You've all wondered, did Genghis Khan, what was he packing? Well, today we rip apart whatever lies between us and Genghis's throbbing member to find out the truth. But before we begin, of course, it's always customary for Conan Robind to come out and say his signature. Mr. Obine, could you come out here, please?

Yes, thank you, Sir Eustonoff, famous ghost. Please, Mr. Obine, continue. Yes, thank you. Here we go. Did they fly you out to England just for that? He's a ghost. You don't have to fly me anywhere to me. You don't have to fly to me to ghost.

He'll just appear anywhere. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, I didn't know the ghost rules. No, you're not wrong though. Eustonoff ghosts afraid to fly. He's on a no fly list. Yeah, he takes trains. I love a ghost that's afraid to fly commercially.

I'll try the knot. You're a ghost. You can just materialize in Conan's home in Los Angeles. No, seriously, I don't enjoy flying. It's very frightening. You're a ghost. You died 25 years ago. Please, I'd rather not fly.

I'll just stay here. Also, why do you need to get paid? You're a ghost. Oh, my God. Well, that concludes another distinguished episode of Big Dick History. Hey, I'm still here, guys. Get out of here. Eustonoff, you've got to sign off.

Yeah, but this is fun. It would be fun if we kept talking. It's sad, and it's getting sadder by the second. And I'm saying this as your best friend. I was told this show was about friendship, and I'm here to live it out. Signing off, assholes. Conan O'Brien needs a friend,

with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley, produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salatarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair,

and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.