Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Mila Kunis Returns

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Actress Mila Kunis feels irrelevant about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Mila returns to chat with Conan about talking her kids through the tough stuff, sustainable farming, passing down her Ukrainian heritage, and her new film Luckiest Girl Alive. Plus, Conan takes note of his increasingly frequent run-ins with listeners of the pod. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Mila Kunis, and I feel irrelevant about being going to a friends' friend. You're relevant? Yeah, it's because you have so many friends. Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien. It's a friend the podcast that gives and never takes. Just made that up. Doesn't really make sense.

Joined as always by my chums, my pals, my amigos, my compadres, my compatriots, my comrades, as part of the late 1970s Brezhnev-era Soviet Union. Of course. Sona, good to see you. Good to see you. And Matt Gurley. Hi, boss. How are you?

I really think of me as your boss because you never act like it. Well, you never act like my boss. No, I'm completely irresponsible boob. I don't think we have that dynamic where anyone fears me or shows respect. Well, there is like a bullying side of you that's kind of like an old school boss. Oh, please. We all know that's a character. And the real me.

Oh, you know what's funny? I love someone on the street who's a big fan of the podcast come up to me. They really love the podcast. And then they said, are you really mad at Gurley? And I said, no, I'm not. He's great. And they went, oh, it's really funny. But boy, does he really get you going.

And I was like, I wanted you to know that people see what's really happening. People see what's really happening. The world knows. I want you to know that. Thank you. The world sees me for the tyrant that I am. Yeah. That's how you feel like a boss, I guess.

Like, oh, boss is here. What's he going to be like? Or daddy's here. I just don't want to be the butt of a lot of jokes. Yeah, that's it. No, you would never. You're not the butt of jokes. Oh, right.

I'm sorry. I didn't have my glasses on. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Oh, I didn't see you.

I thought you were Indira Gandhi. Revered. I didn't see that you were Sonoma sexy. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. People don't make jokes about Indira Gandhi. But yes, you. Yeah.

No, you. I fear you in the sense of I don't want to ever trigger something that makes you do a whole bit. Yeah. And then the whole room is laughing at me. And then you make me high five you. Yeah. Because that is so humiliating.

Here's a genius thing that I came up with, which is, and I should get, you know, if people are getting Nobel prizes for creating fission or fusion, I think I should get a Nobel prize for the fact that I will get a whole room laughing at my bit about Sonoma while she's there. And then I'll put my hand up for a high five and she has to give the high five. She just does. Why do you do it? You have to. You would do it too.

You just do. Because when people are laughing that hard and you put up a hand for a high five, it's there's this flow of energy that you have to go along with. You're like in a little kayak and you're being rocketed at 180 miles an hour. And anyone on staff, when I put that hand up and the whole room is laughing at them, they put their hand up for the high five. This is just like people being complicit to tyrants in history. You think you would never do it, but you can't ever say until you're in that moment.

Yes. Yes. And this is really the reason. I'm glad you agree with this analogy. The reason I do it is to teach people that this is how tyrants get away with what they get away with. This is my way of. You're educating people?

There you go. No. I think you're a sick person. Yeah. I've been educated by many very sick people. Yeah. A lot of teachers are sick, you know, tyrants in their own way. Do you think you're a normal boss?

Oh, God, no. Yeah. It's a mess. So you take responsibility for this? Yeah. I mean, along with there are no consequences. I take full responsibility. Would you ever do undercover boss?

Oh, I think people, that's a great idea. I've watched that show undercover boss. I think people would know it's me. It would be impossible. Well, I don't see how you disguise me and not know it's me because it is like. Like you take Sesame Street's Big Bird and you put glasses on him in a mustache. People are going to, and then he's under, he's undercover boss at Sesame Street. People are like, oh my God, Big Bird.

What are you doing? That's what it would be like. You'd have to do like down on your knees with shoes at your knees like dwarf, like dwarf on golf. Yeah. Right. Tim Conway's invention. Yes.

I would do that. I would have to do something radical or have radical facial surgery that's permanent. But it would be fun to go on undercover boss. What would people say about me? If I came in and you didn't recognize me and my name was Otto Struden, but I was raised in America. All right. Well, let's role play this.

Okay. You come, you're Otto Struden. No, I'm here for my first day of work. I'm Otto Struden. Oh, hi, Otto. What's your job here? I was hired to keep the canisters that are filled with the podcast tape. Wow.

Huh. Canisters. And in my part of Eastern Germany, we still use canisters of tape for podcasts. Okay. Welcome. Welcome. Yes. So tell me, I'm to work for Conan O'Brien.

Yeah. He's a, I mean, in Europe, he is legendary podcast man and humor fellow. So I'm very excited. Everybody says, oh, Conan O'Brien, he is. Temporary expectations. Yeah. Well, when you say, well, you say, he's just going to ridicule you, he's going to belittle you, make you feel small, and then make you high five him.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It sounds fun. So he includes me in the joke, and then we all laugh. That's great. No, you're not included in the joke. You're the butt of the joke. Yeah.

Well, the joke is joke. Oh, who cares if butt or, or, or one playing joke, fun. Fun for all. Yeah. No, no. And he's going to make fun of your accent for sure. Yeah. Oh, well, it should.

I should learn English if I'm to make it here. So that is his way of spurting me on to new heights. That's the way you look, too, so tall, red hair. Yeah. Oh, no, no. I don't care. To me, just to meet this man, this Conan man, this humor man, who is a non-threat world as best ever.

No, no. No. You never told you that. Oh, he rocks USA. He's, oh, wow, that's weird that you said that. My mom said the exact same thing to him. Well, she is right to say it. Okay.

So I get to meet him and then he would even high five me. That's such an honor. No bosses. Your nose just fell on the table. What's happened? Oh, I'm having, excuse me, let me get it and put back on. Oh, yes. I had surgery in my country.

I live near a nuclear plant. Nose fall off sometime. Wow. There we go. It's back on now. Yeah. And your hair seems to be peeling up at the seams. Oh, yes, yes.

Again, very strange side effect of sausage I eat in the country. And best. Oh, he's best. So lucky that you all worked for him and yet you bitch and moan and whine and complain about working with great humor man. Do you know what passive aggressive means? It sounds to me like if he's good at it, then God bless him. No, he's best guy ever.

I know this is incredible. I think you are a spoiled Americans. Oh, we don't like working with great humor. God is no fun. He pissed out. She's like. Oh, God. Better stuff.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You go and sleep. Oh, my God. Sorry. I just get so excited about Conan. All your costume elements fell off.

Oh, hi guys. Hi. Did I have you fooled? Anyway, well, it was me all along. Yeah. I wish you guys liked me more, but I guess you don't. Let's get to it. Okay.

We got a great show today. That ended really sad. I know, it ended with me realizing how much I'm loathed. No. You know, I am excited about this guest. She is one of my favorite people. You know this to be true. Yes, yes.

I mean, I think we all love her. I'm always true. She's nice to everybody when she comes here. Yes, she is the mirror image of me. No, she really is. She is one of my all-time favorite human beings. She's just a lovely person. My guest today is a very talented actress, you know,

from such films and TV shows as Black Swan, Bad Moms, that 70s show and Family Guy. Now you can see her in the new Netflix movie, Luckiest Girl Alive. I am delighted, as Theodore Roosevelt would say. I am delighted she's with us today. ["Theodore Roosevelt's Theme Song"] Mila Kunis.

Welcome. ["Theodore Roosevelt's Theme Song"] You have so many friends. I don't. Do you really think I do? Yeah. I have a lot of acquaintances. Everyone claims to be your friend.

The amount of times I've heard, oh, Kunis, my friend. Do they say that, my friend? He's my friend. Kunis, my good friend. He's my friend. You're down south a lot. Last time, I think you said, what was last time?

Indifferent. Indifferent, yeah. So we've gone from indifferent to irrelevant. Well, sometimes it takes your waltz to text me back. Oh. You know what I'm saying? That's true. So I feel like there's something we can work on.

Build off of this. You know, we had a text thing going recently. This is pretty juicy. But I think you're, because I saw BJ Novak's movie, Vengeance. Which is fantastic. And texted you to just tell Ashton that I thought he killed it in that movie. He was so good.

And then we started going back and forth, and you know. And then you just left me. I just, I ghosted. You ghosted me. Yeah, I did ghosted me. I can tell I ghosted you. But then I went around yelling at people, I just ghosted Mila Kunis.

Isn't that cool? Doesn't that make me a cool person? No one thought that it was cool. No. OK. I'll pay you a compliment. You are one of the nicest and most real people I've met that's in this business.

You may actually have the top slot. Really? Yes. Seriously, since the day I met Mila years ago when you came and did the show. And then I think we chatted afterwards about where you thought you could get the cheapest t-shirts. Oh, yeah, you remember.

And I swear to God, there is a saying in show business that, well, that person went through the machine. You've heard that saying. We're like, people get started. And I saw it so many times on my show. And I won't name names. But I saw people come up when they were really young and they were a guest on the show.

And they had just hit. And they were so full of life. And then the next time I saw them, like a year later. They were cautious. They kind of looked different. Publicists had been working on them. And it's called going through the machine. And it can sometimes be sort of a sad experience.

And I swear to God, you have never changed. That is rare. Oh, it is. That's sad. But I think I got really lucky. I really do. I never was screwed up. I did dumb things.

Like, don't get me wrong. But I think that I came up at a time before social media. And so when I was turning haul at like 1920 was the beginning of Perez Hilton. And I coined a lot of this going through the machine of like being cautious. And now everybody has to worry about what they say, how they say, what they look.

Because everything is so documented. I didn't have that. And so I was still able to be lazy for the lack of it. Like, I didn't have to try to be anything other than myself because it wasn't being documented anywhere. And I feel really bad for anyone who's coming up now who's like 16, 15, even whatever, to like 25. Because it's such a growing period in your life

and to have that be blasted. And now with this idea that we are holding people responsible for what they said 10 years ago, none of that. I mean, you know, you can't do, it's anyways, I got very lucky. And I have awesome parents. It's fascinating because there's this site now, Dumois. Yeah, yes.

And they're constantly, and basically it's everybody, anybody can sort of do a posting, I guess, and say what they saw. And I have a friend that follows it. And he says like, dude, every time your name pops up, you're at the same place eating sushi. And it's this place not far from our house. It's really good called Sugarfish.

And my kids really like it. And my wife likes it. So we're like, just one of them will say, let's go to Sugarfish. Okay, let's go to Sugarfish. And so the postings are just like, come on, Brian, it's Sugarfish. I'm a torohand roll.

And then the next post, like a week later, will be like Conan O'Brien at Sugarfish having two torohand rolls. And then at one point, the posting was, dude likes his sushi. This. Yeah. But you can imagine, you know, I'm, yeah,

if I was a known person when I was 15, there would have been a lot of, you know, Conan buying acne cream. But also like, don't even get 15. Stealing acne cream. Conan, you would never steal. I wouldn't. I would.

No, I know. But my assistant would. That's why you have one. Yeah. I steal. But do you think that this is a whole other podcast to unravel? Yeah.

Do you watch all the murders in the building? Yes. Of course. Okay, so this is what this, oh. I love those guys. Okay, let's just digress. I do too. I don't know them.

I'm sure they're your friends and you text them back. I don't know them. But this relationship now starts reminding me of the podcast relationship in that show. You know, the Poppy. You are the Poppy. Oh, okay. All right.

Yeah. I mean, I don't anymore. I just need to clarify. I don't steal anymore. You don't steal. I stopped stealing. No. Did you ever steal?

I did. I used to have like a shoplifting thrill. Like what? Little bracelets from Express or a headband from Urban Outfitters. Just to be like, I did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just for the thrill.

Yeah. We've actually wanted to do a remote where I make her go back to all the stores that she stole from and confess and return the merchandise, which I think would be, that thing would go viral. Yeah.

If we put that out there. But you have twin boys now. Yeah. Who are a year old. Yeah. And there's always the worry that they will grow up knowing their mother is the criminal she is.

Well, you bring it up all the time so they're gonna know regardless. She brought her kids to the studio the other day. Mikey and Charlie in the beautiful one year old boys. And I just am playing with them and shouting, your mother's stolen. Yeah. Yeah.

So awful. I honestly believe it. It's true. Oh, I know. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm a terrible person. Very on brand Conan. I do think even if you had grown up in this age,

you'd have figured it out because you just have that quality of you're always yourself. Yeah. And you know who you are. Yeah. So yes, you did a lot of crazy things when you were 15.

I mean, crazy. I was still in comparison to other children. I was a very good kid. Like I worked so I had responsibilities so you can only be so crazy or I wouldn't have a job. And I loved what I did. It says here, you flew cocaine into Miami.

That was different. That was just me finding myself. I know it's a job, not paid. Yeah, that was different. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. That was experimental. Can you imagine if I ever did a cup? What would, I've never done hardcore drugs.

It's just. No, me neither. But everybody thought I did when I was a teenager. They really, every time I went out to a club and I used to go to clubs, I didn't drink. I mean, I would have like, if someone snuck me like a vodka soda,

I'd have a couple of sips. But I was responsible because I knew I had to drive home. But everybody would go to the bathroom and they'd be like, you got some? And I was like, oh, do you need like a tampon? Like, what do you mean? And they were like, you know, blah, blah, blah. I was like, I am so sorry.

I kept apologizing. I'm so sorry. I don't do that my whole life and no one. Yeah. I think I've mentioned this before, but in college, I didn't do anything and I walked into a room once and it was a scene out of like pretty in pink where the bad guys are all wearing white tuxedos,

white tuxedo jackets, but I walked into a room and it's like three guys in white tuxedo jackets with their ties undone and they were cutting up lines and they're like, hey, man, you want some Coke? And I said, hmm, my father's a doctor. He says it interrupts the heart rhythm. Oh my God. And they were like, they looked at me

and I went into fears with the neural signals. You know what a nerd I am and I want a pound dude. I know. Trust me, trust me. I gave him a lecture on interrupting the heart rhythm. Okay. See your doctor before using. Yeah.

Wait, can I- Is that prescription cocaine? But wait, did it work and deter you from doing drugs? Oh, well, I mean, I think I just was not. Yes, the fact that my father was a doctor and we didn't take aspirin unless he- But he gave you a logical explanation. It wasn't feelings.

Yeah. Okay, so we live in LA. LA has taken an interesting turn during COVID when it comes to mental health and people experiencing homelessness on the streets and whatnot. And so we were super isolated. At one point we're like,

we got to get the kids out of the house. You know, like let's go get ice cream. Let's just go and get them ice cream. Put on masks, we'll be safe. You know, this one we all thought that COVID was still attacking us. Like it could just come out of nowhere. So we go to the ice cream shop,

we go get ice cream. We sit down outside for like one of the first times, okay? We take our masks off. So we're like, wow, we're all eating our ice cream. I'm not kidding too. Kids are six and four at the time. This woman experiencing homelessness was clearly dealing with mental health issues,

walks down Ventura, sits down next to us and decides to have an overdose next to my children and my husband and our friends. And we were like, and none of us knew what to do. And my kids started asking questions, right? I mean, forget like the ambulance coming. They were just like, issue, okay, what is happening? And we ended up having to have

a very logical conversation with them about what are drugs and what they do to you. And my husband went super detailed. And I was like, babe, there's A, there's six and four. I'm not sure if this is gonna work on a tactic. But if you, which is why I was asking about your dad. I love that Ashton had morgue photos. Yes, 22 years old, dead, six weeks dead.

The soil was taken long after their necrotic tissue. Ashton, why do you have that? Yes, but with all sorts of like details of what the chemistry of the drug does to your brain. And my kids are six and four. Anyways, if you talk to them now, they have that they're like, no, it messes up your brain and I don't want, like they will now.

That's great. So, yeah, I, it was one way of starting this conversation. Mind you, they've literally taken an antibiotic for their earache and they didn't know of anything else the world existed until that moment. Wow. Six and four. Yeah, I did not.

I mean, I've talked about this before, but I, you know, come from hardcore Irish Catholic people and there's two ways. You do? Yeah. No, you've never mentioned that. So, where are you from? Half Irish, half Iraqi.

Okay. So, it's a mix and it's a good match, right? Oh, with Iraqi. But my Iraqi side really likes to hit the booze. Uh-huh. So, I, yeah. I was like, oh my God. But in my family, there was a,

there's two ways to go, like they're, there's too much drinking, but in my family, it was fear of alcoholism. Just terrible fear of it. So, my parents didn't touch it. We had a completely drug house. Nothing. And so, I never had anything.

I didn't have a sip of alcohol the whole time I was in college. Wow. And worked for the comedy magazine, which is basically all alcohols. And I was in charge, which kind of worked. Cause I would be in charge of like, yes, we need 75 gallons of gin in a giant tank.

Will you have be having any? I'll have none. Thank you. Some buttermilk for me. What made you then have the first glass? My genetic destiny. Just kind of take away. Yeah.

I think I started having, I think I started having beer and then like appreciating wine. And then realizing that, sadly, people liked me better when I had had like two glasses of wine because I was, I did, speaking of, I did go to a doctor once

and he was saying like, you got to tell me, what have you, what other drugs do you take? And I said, well, I'm on Lipitorid, I lower my cholesterol and I'm, you know, I take an aspirin at night, lower my chances of stroke and heart attack. And a baby aspirin, not a full aspirin, a baby aspirin, sir.

And then he said, no, seriously, you have to tell me about the drugs you do if I'm going to help you and be your doctor. And I said, I don't, I really don't do any drugs. And he said, you have to be honest with me. And I said, what are you getting at? And he said, you don't do cocaine. And I said, no.

And he said, I've seen your show. Oh, wow. And he really was like, you're telling me this guy that's like, I don't do do and help that out. And a cock, cock, cock, cock, as if doodly doodly dood. He was convinced that I was on, that I was on Coke. And I'm like, no, that's me. You're a genetic cokehead.

I'm a genetic. Yes, I am. My body is putting out a steady stream of pure Peruvian cocaine. Oh my God. That's wild. Yeah. But I think, so at some point,

I think in my late twenties, I realized so funny when I have like two glasses of red wine. People like you. People are like, hey, I can kind of talk to him. Yeah, bring him down. Yeah. That's true. Jim Downey, who's the head writer at Saturday Night Live

when I worked there for years and genius comedy writer. When Norm MacDonald passed away, he and I were talking and he was like, oh my God, that's so tough about Norm. But the things people are saying are so lovely. And I went, yeah, it's really great what they're saying. And he said, I mean, when you go,

there'll be a lot of people saying nice things, but you know, it'll all be mixed in. And he wasn't doing a bit. I said, what do you mean? And he said, you know, there were people that say like, no, he was really funny. But you know, sometimes he could, maybe he could have toned it down a little bit.

He could be a little much at times. And I'm like, okay, Jim, that's fine. Let's just go back to talking about Norm. No. No. No. No. No.

Yeah. Stop, stop, stop. He could be a strong dose. Let's just say, you know, Conan, you know, you're a strong dose. And I went, I didn't really realize. You're like, you're a strong dose. Strong dose.

But yeah. Wow. Yeah. You know, I want to ask you about something, which is I heard that you're doing this thing, which totally plays into what we're talking about, but that over COVID, you got sort of into sustainable farming.

Oh yeah. And this sounds so young. Farming seems a little, I'm not a farmer, let me just say, but yes, go on. Can I just say you're wearing overalls right now? You are. You are wearing overalls.

It's really taken on a lifestyle. Okay, go on. Yes, my sustainable farming. Well, no, I'm curious because I know that I'm a very impatient person. And so now I know you're a very impatient, you could not sustainably farm. I couldn't do it.

You'd be shouting it. You do me, you want it like, wait, what would I be shouting? You'd be like shouting at the plants like two days into it. Like, when do I get to eat you? Would you, are you, do you have a knack for it? I don't have a knack, but no, I don't.

But I happen to have bought some good soil. That's my, I honestly have like a black thumb. Everything takes way longer to grow than you think. I'm super grateful for grocery stores. We would have all be dead if we were living off of my sustainable farming skills. Okay, so let me say that first and foremost. We'd all be dead.

We'd have no food, maybe a strawberry. But the experience that it has given us has been like we thought we were going to kind of just do it a little bit over COVID and then it just kind of stuck. And yeah, like, okay, I'll tell you a story. I was like, you know what? We were in Canada and I became friends

with this woman named Judith who was in the house next door to us. And she was lovely towards our kids. She was like a grandma and she took our kids on and would take them to the library. Like she was this beautiful older woman. And so she farmed on her rooftop and she would grow these unbelievable tomatoes.

I mean, tomatoes that I have, I was like, this is what a tomato supposed to taste like. She goes, okay, you have to go too. It was something like heirloomtomatoes.com. And I was like, Judith, she goes, no, I swear. So I do, I go on heirloomtomatoes.com and I buy every strand I can to grow in a region. They all took.

I didn't do anything. I planted them. I put some soil. I watered the, the guy learned that you have to water the ground, not the actual plant. You learn a little bit of things. But now I'm only in one business.

So I'm only in the tomato business. Like I have no other, I'm not the smartest at figuring it out. So like at one point I grew hundreds of carrots. Hundreds. No one needs hundreds of carrots all at once. So I feel like my timing on my farming is questionable. But we did grow tomatoes, carrots, zucchinis,

watermelon, I'm still growing. Cause I don't know why, but it's taken like nine months. Corn, which we harvested. And then we grew soy beans for to like nourish the ground not to actually eat. Which soybeans grow like weeds. Wait, so it sounds like you're quite good at this. No, I'm really not though.

I swear. Like if something goes wrong, I either Google or call my gardener. Like I don't know enough. Well, you're on your way. I mean, we started over COVID, we started composting. And my wife got really, Liza got really into it. And what I didn't realize is it's all about the worms.

Yeah. And so she kept going out to check on the worms and make sure the worms are okay. And it got to the point where it's like, okay, it's, you know, what's time to watch our HBO Max show or a Netflix show. And she'd be like, I gotta go check on the worms. And then I realized that I was fighting for attention.

Yeah. My wife with worms. I knew that's where this was heading. And it was, yeah, but it was, it enraged me. Cause there was, there's been like 18 years of, okay, we have these kids. And I understand that I'm second to these children and that they come first, I got replaced by worm.

The timing is interesting. Yeah. I know, I know exactly. She saw that they're like getting ready to leave the nest. And she said, anything, anything that doesn't even have to be sentient, it doesn't have to have consciousness or a soul, just worms. Wait, I want to compost.

Yeah. And composting is actually you get used to it. I want to do it. But my concern is animals. I don't know, do you live, do you attract the animals? Cause the nicer reading about it. And it said that if you live in an area with wild animals, which we have a mountain lion, a bobcat, coyotes,

I don't want to attract them. No. First of all, I attract animals, but they're huge fans of niche comedy. Flowed over the top. No, you know, the bobcats hang out with me for a little bit. And then they're like, he's a little mud. I wish you'd have two glasses of red wine. Man, then I could handle him.

But, you know, there's a way that you can build the composting sort of bin so that it's. Does it smell? That, yeah, it's protected from animals. And so from predators or people that would want to, you know, get in there. And the biggest, we have dogs. And they're the first ones that would want to get in there.

So this is me talking as a guy who my wife does pretty much all of it. That's why I'm not qualified to really speak about it. But I know that she explained this to me early on before she started cheating on me. With the worms. With worms. With worms.

You're gonna murder the worms. No, I wouldn't murder them. I might move them to another place. But no, I just think that's, there's, we all have this fantasy of not needing to go anywhere. Like I don't need to go to the supermarket. Yeah. But I know.

We still do. I'm not, this is, you know. There's no, I mean, and also all the things I like can't be grown. Right. Yeah, exactly. But we also, when we built our house, we tried to make it as off the grid

as the city would let us. So we're a well water, can't drink it, but we do everything else with well water. And then we're fully 100% solar powered. Why can't, oh wow. Why can't you drink the well water? It's just not drinkable quality. The city doesn't recommend it,

but you can like use it to, you can do all, like you can. You can irrigate with it. Exactly. You do everything you need to do with it. So that, yeah, exactly. Did you buy a property specifically because you knew it had a well?

No. It was just there. You randomly dig. I swear, you spend, it's $5,000 if I don't remember, like $5,000 and they go, yeah, well $5,000 is a shot. And they honestly come with some tools, something and they go, mm-hmm. There.

Oh no. And then they just drown out. I've had experience with this years ago where I lived in a place that you could dig a well and someone comes out and they dig the well and you pay them to dig the well, you know, with a giant drill that drills down. But they dig the well, they're there all day

and they go, yep, nothing there. Yeah. So you owe me $5,000. Yeah, you were like, it's weird, but you're just like, maybe he'll find the aquifer. I don't know. We got lucky and the guy happened to have, wait, wait, we didn't know.

We could have struck out and had nothing but we were like, let's just try and see. And so we dug a hole and they're like, yeah, you got it. And we were like, whoa, it happened. But it's a, it's a crapshoot. Do you have critters? Do you have like, what kind of critters do you have? Not including like rats, mice, like the, like that.

I include rats and mice as critters. They're all God's creatures. They were on the Ark with Noah. I wish they weren't. Noah let everyone on. He was like, well, no, we need a male and female COVID. You don't need to bring in.

Nope, we got to bring them all in. Yes, some could have been next out. What do we have? All right, I'll say about the seer sightings. We have rattlesnakes, we have. Oh, okay, that I'm not doing. I can't do rattlesnakes. I can't either.

It's not like, I don't disagree. It's awful. It's terrifying. Yeah. I'm going to name drop here, but I had a. A fancy friend that you text back. Text back immediately. Peewee Herman invited me to over to his,

we were going to go out to dinner. He said, yeah, just stop by my house. And so I walk up and his house is like, it's all kind of, he's got lots of plants and everything everywhere. And it's, it's feel, it's, it's very kind of natural. And so you're making your way through this narrow path. And it's lots of, you know, shrubs that have grown out

and you get to the door and I finally got to the door and I knocked on the door and he let me in and we chatted for a little bit. And he was like, okay, it's time to go. And he stepped outside and he put on giant special boots. And I said, what are those for? And he said, oh, rattlesnakes all over the place. So when I walked to the car, I wore these.

And I said, and it was the same path that I had just come up on. And I'm not, I'm, you know, wearing, you know, open-toed sandals and short shorts. Cause that's how I roll. And I was like, yeah, exactly. With bacon wrapped around them. And I was like, Paul, you didn't, he was like,

oh, you're probably okay. That seems excessive. Okay. So it's not like we have hours just like greeting you at the door, but we've had like two on our property this year. And then tons of gopher snakes. You don't care about those. They're good.

They kind of eat all the mice and rats. We did see like a mouse outside. And then we have bunnies with a big bunny population in our backyard. Is a bunny just a rabbit? It's just a nicer term. Is he, is that a cute term for rabbit? Yeah, bunny.

It's a rabbit. All right. I didn't know if there was a separate like in children's books, there are bunnies, but... Like kitty, it's like kitty. But there's a hair and a hair has those big floppy ears. We don't have those. We definitely have like the cottontail wild bunnies.

They're super cute. Then we have a bobcat with a mountain line. We have the family of deer. And one of the deers, the seer had a baby on our property. This is cool. That's interesting. I love that. It's all beautiful, but we have dogs.

Don't find it as beautiful as one would. And so the dogs had to get the short end of the stick. Once the baby was born, we were like, you cannot go outside, I'm sorry. And so the dogs had to be constantly like shepherd away until the baby was like old enough to jump the fence back. I have a, and I'm not just gonna sound like a bit,

but it's not, I've had like a weird fantasy about wrestling like a bobcat fighting a bobcat in the wild. You've brought it up a number of times. I've brought it up, but I mountain bike up in the hills and people have told me, oh yeah, on this trail sometimes you run across like a mountain line or a bobcat. And I'm like, man, that's a way to go.

Like if I jumped off, if I just jumped off my bike and the bobcat and I got into it, I don't really want to, but there's part of me that thinks about it a lot. Like me and a bobcat going at it because then I think I'd get the respect and I'm long. No, you'll die so fast. I know, but think about the funeral.

People are like, he was. An idiot. Yeah, they'll be like, he's an idiot. I mean, Conan, that's not the way you want to go. I also think you'd, Really, you think it would all be idiot? Wouldn't anybody? No.

Wouldn't Johnny Knox, she'll be like, man, I got to go to that funeral. I think you're also thinking of a mountain line because a bobcat is basically like this. Yes, the little one. I want the little one. I want to fight a very small animal. A house cat perhaps?

Yes, I'm constantly trying to, we have two cats, I'm constantly trying to corner and fight it. Yeah, there you go. You can train. Yeah. That's a normal. You're right.

We got to get the size of the animal correct. But I think what if I'm killed by an animal that literally is about like eight inches long and then no one's coming to my funeral, right? Yeah. He got it mulled by a kitty pig. Yeah. Conan got into it with that and do a hamster.

There was a hamster that got loose from an elementary school. And still he was a bit much. Conan got off of his bike. Oh my God. The hamster thought, Conan's a bit much. He seems a little coped up and they fought and Conan lost.

I did want to ask you about, because it's in the news every single day and I know this is a huge issue for you. It's the least funny thing to bring up in the world but I think about Ukraine every day just because it is such a big part of the news. And I know that this is where your people are from, is Ukraine.

And I watch, follow the news every day and I think we're watching, people love to armchair quarterback and talk about how in the 1930s and 40s, we really should have stood up to fascism. And if I were alive then I really would have stood up. We really needed to stand up to Hitler in 36 or 70 and I really do feel like

we're seeing this play out right now and when people are indifferent about it or indifferent about Putin or in any way, I think you understand that this is the defining fight right now in the world and 25 years from now people are going to be seeing this as a very important outcome. For the world.

Yeah, for the entire world. For the world, yes, correct, yeah. I didn't mean to get all heavy but I just thought I kind of felt like I know this is important to you and wanted to talk about it because it, especially with the way the news has been unrolling recently with Putin getting incredibly desperate and back on his heels.

You know, it's one of these situations where I think everybody wishes and it's weird how this war is affecting some people and other people are like, it's just a war over there. It doesn't affect me and I understand that because I look at most wars over there and they don't affect me, right? And I keep trying to go,

even if I wasn't from this country, even if I had no association with it, you have to look at this war as a defining moment for the West and on so many, I won't go into politics, but what this will do to China if X person wins. You know what I mean? Like there's so many players here

and I was like, so just look at it strategically as like this is a very important war. Not like should you care about the people or the refugees? If you don't have time for that, I totally respect that. You have busy, you got bills to pay, you got food to put on the table. I get it, but just remember that this is the breaking point for whether or not democracy lives

or where democracy falls on the global scale. And that's the only thing that I ask of people, like just keep reading the news, keep getting yourself invested. You don't have to do money or time. I mean, other than information, that being said, you look at what's happening in Iran right now, no one's talking about that either

because that's not on the global scale, right? Like that, that country is gonna handle. That's not anyone's problem because it's isolated, it's not gonna trigger and nuclear war. They look at Russia and Ukraine and the only, and people got upset. Like why is the, why?

Because when it was popular, I got pushed back of like, this is only popular because and they would give some BS reasoning. They don't talk about other wars or other natural disasters this way. And I was like, that is true. They should all talk about everything that's happening. But this has not happened in a very long time

since the 80s where there was this fear of a bigger problem. But I go back to, you know, it's talking about the women in Iran right now or what's happening there either. So there's like a, there's a part of me that goes, you can only solve so many problems out. Otherwise it becomes overwhelming. The idea of like, how do I help there?

What do I do there? How do I assist there? What can be done? It becomes insanely overwhelming. And so I think that's where our focus just kind of naturally went to logistics. Going back to like logic, like how do you deal with things? And as much as I want to deal with emotion

and take every kid in and save every mother and go in there and like give him when a hug, that's not the best use of time or energy at this point. And so we try to solve problems with logic. So we try to go logistics on everything. But that's how I could, otherwise I would get incredibly overwhelmed. So what's the logic and logistics you use in Ukraine?

Yeah. I know that you and Ashton phrased a ton of money. Yeah. I think we wanted to ban, honestly we wanted to mandate a problem until the government stepped in cause realistically it war is a billion trillion dollar solution by all means, it's not millions. And so it was like 20, 48 hours in, 24 hours in.

And we realized that people were just not, people kept calling, people were just so confused to what they can do, right? Everybody, people in general as human beings want to feel like they're a part of something. They want to feel like they're a part of a solution. They want to feel good about themselves. They want to feel like they did their job.

And it was showcased in social media when it was like, you know, repost this photo and that means you stand with these people or turn your profile picture into this. And you saw that people naturally were doing the easy way. But I had like, if I click this, that means I'm for it. So I made a difference and I feel good about myself. So the thing that Ashton and I wanted to do

was to make sure people feel good about themselves because it does take time, it does take effort, but also people want to post it, repost it and showcase it, cool. We did this with COVID, with quarantine wine, where we were like, okay, how do we raise money but also make people feel people like they're a part of something bigger, greater.

So we did it through that and it was successful in that part. And so when we started this process, we just had to band aid a problem and make people feel like they're making an immediate difference, right? So if you were like, hey, give me $10, I'm gonna go and buy a bunch of blankets and toothpaste. By the time I do all that,

things will already be different 20 times over, where the war is. People are super generous at donating. So there's tons and tons of warehouses full of blankets and toilet papers and all of the necessities that are needed during a crisis moment, but getting it from point eight to B is always difficult. And so we, a part of this company called Flexport

and they just do natural, they fly cargoes, right? They fly, they ship cargo, they're just a cargo company. There was a natural disaster in, oh gosh, I don't remember where it was, maybe Puerto Rico, but I don't remember where it was. And they pivoted and started doing like an NGO version to try to help because they realized that there was containers just sitting on the side,

not being moved, full of blankets and all the emergency things that people need. So we facilitated that. So essentially what we did was we put point eight to point B with vetted NGOs on both sides that already had everything ready to ship. We didn't need your money for the product, we just needed your money for the shipments.

See that, that to me makes a lot. It's my long-winded way. No, but that makes a lot of sense to me because I think there's a sense, it can lead to apathy. People, I think most people are good. I think most people are great, yes. I think Americans are very generous people. For a minute.

Historically, yeah, but they will, they do wanna help. There's just an apathy that comes from, is this really gonna get where it needs to go? Exactly. And I know I felt it myself, like I really wanna help, but is this really- No one trusts anybody. Look what's happening everywhere right now.

Like unfortunately, all of these big NGOs, the CEO is caught doing, taking 10% off the top or this CEO is caught stealing the money. It's happening all the time. So I don't blame people for not trusting or being tentative about donating their hard earned $5, $10, let alone $100 or a thousand. But I think that hopefully,

so we wanted to be super transparent. So we just kept posting videos about it and then showcasing the said plane going or the said cargo ship going. And so we're like, this is what we, and we did an outline of how much money buys one flight round trip, how much money buys two cargoes.

Like we, so you knew exactly where all the money was going. And then the housing of the refugees with Airbnb.org, that's already existing, right? So it's using existing infrastructure and amplifying that. Do you have any family in Ukraine? I have distant family. We were the last of my family to leave. So we were 91.

My family left, I have to think about it, right after World War II. So my family wasn't the Holocaust, right? So the ones that survived, some left in the 70s, some stayed. And then that was like one of the migrations was the 70s. And then the other one was like late 80s, early 90s,

right at the fall. And so we were right at the fall, but we were the last of my immediate family to leave. We have some like distant relatives. That's really, I know that you're very, it's important to you that your kids know where they're from, that they know about their lineage,

their Ukrainian lineage. And I know Sona, like this has been a big thing since I've known you, Armenia, and your connection to Armenia is really important. Yes, yeah. And that that is something, it's harder for me to connect to say Ireland because we came here in the 19th century

and it just is so long ago. And it just doesn't feel, it doesn't have that same intensity when someone's first generation. Like where I feel like it's in your, I guess the same would be it's in your blood, but it's stronger than that even. It just feels like it really is.

You have a very strong connection. Yeah, you feel like you have to. Cause I'm sorry, my voice is a little, it's gone, that's why I sound like this. She smoked a lot of pot. I did. Cocaine. Yeah, lots of cocaine.

Cocaine laced marijuana. Yeah, but also in our house, you know, we speak Armenian, we speak English. And then my husband is from Armenia, so he's also a Soviet. And so they speak a lot of Russian too. So you probably know Russian, Ukrainian and English. I don't speak Ukrainian because I left in second grade

and that's when they start teaching Ukrainian. So when I was there, Russian was the main language. I left at USSR. So I left when everybody had to speak Russian. There was no, everything else was secondary. So I think it was first or second grade, you start learning Ukrainian, but I left in second grade, so I never finished it up.

But if I heard Ukrainian, I attributed to like Spanish and Portuguese, like it's close enough where I can pinpoint some words and figure it out, but I wouldn't be able to string a sentence together. Yeah. When I'm with her family, they just all are speaking. No one.

No one understands anyone. Yeah, and there's very little English being spoken. They're very, very little English. That's good. Yeah, it is good. I don't know. I mean, do your parents speak, you like Russian with each other?

My parents with each other? Yeah. Yeah, right? Oh yeah, they speak. The language they're most comfortable with. Yes. And they do to myself and my husband until my husband points out,

he's like, okay, he can understand enough. And then once he gets over a certain point of conversation, he's like, no, you gotta flip that language. And so if you remind them, they'll remember to flip. But if they start, it always goes in the naturally direction. Which really, so in his husband, Tak, who grew up in the Soviet Union,

he, you know, they have these beautiful one-year-old twin boys and he has some toys. He has Soviet toys. Soviet toys. I did too. Like Vinnie Pooch. What did I do? Vinnie Pooch.

Yeah, I love Vinnie Pooch. Pizza Chalk and he has that. My kids do that too. Wait, hold on. What's happening? So do my kids. So do my kids. My kids, help me.

Hold on. I don't know. My kids have Chiburashka, Krakadilgana. They watch Vinnie Pooch when we were little. What is this? What's Vinnie Pooch? Who's Vinnie Pooch? Russian for Winnie the Pooh?

Yeah. Yes, but get this. And I don't know if your husband has the same experience. But he's a good Soviet. He makes sure that everyone gets an equal amount of honey. The honey must be shared equally among the collective. Oh, brother. Okay, wait, wait, wait.

So ask your husband this. This is a little embarrassing, but I think, okay, whatever. I was talking to Ashton eight, nine years ago, and we were talking about Winnie the Pooh. And I go, it's amazing that they created Winnie the Pooh in Russia. And then you guys picked it up here.

Like what, and he went. Oh, wow. Russia didn't create Winnie the Pooh. And I was like, yeah, no, we did. We had Vinnie Pooch. Oh, wow. And he was like, baby, baby. You also, you guys also.

Yeah, but sure. America created Elvis. No, no, America stole Yeligin's Island. Which was just, again, a collective farming experiment on an island. And Vinnie Pooch's sound, he's voiced by an actor who sounds like he's just been smoking cigarettes.

A pack of cigarettes. You have a two pack of cigarettes. What does he sound like? What do I do? Let's see. Oh, my God. Who's Eeyore? Is there an Eeyore?

I, you know what? Eeyore is a Marxist-Leninist. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't handle it. And so, and there's smoke, can I get Yeligin's smoke? He's like, they smoke it. They don't know what Chuburashka is. What is Chuburashka?

They don't know what animal. He doesn't even know what he is. What is Chuburashka? My parents told me, and I already forgot what it was. Is this an animated character? It's like a chipmunk looking thing. Yeah. It's like a chipmunk looking thing.

It's like a chipmunk looking thing. Yes. But it has like, it looks a little bit like, what's that, what was that people in Deep Space Nine? The, Ferengi's? He looks like a Ferengi. Oh, my God.

He looks like a Ferengi. It's always because she said F. He looks like a Ferengi. Do I, do I congratulate you or am I? He looks like a Ferengi. Oh, my God. Look at that. Yeah.

Eduardo just pulled up. Is that, what's his name? Chuburashka. Chuburashka. And you know what? Do you actually have a Chuburashka doll? Yes, of course I do. Mine has PJs on.

Do you realize it has a camera in it and it's watching everything you do? Chuburashka sees all. Do you realize there's somebody in a van in like, mints, watching a screen, monitoring you and Ashton, everything you do to Chuburashka. Everyone that has head turned slightly.

Chuburashka is most displeased. I'm gonna fight you Chuburashka. I'm gonna get one for you. Oh, my God. These are, I have to have seen these toys. Yeah. But they're fantastic. They're really funny.

The one thing you have to be careful with is. Yeah, they sing. They sing. Yeah, they sing. They sing like what? No, the song. You would know better. What are the songs?

Like, I forgot to crack a deal again this song, but it's just our theme songs. They sing the theme songs. The good thing is that's the people's song so they have to play rights. And also in American toys, they say like, watch out, could be a joking hazard. Yeah. With these toys, they say,

watch out, these toys are prone to depression. I am sad. Oh, man, that's fantastic. I can listen to you two go on about Chuburashka. No, no, seriously, this is a whole other thing. You guys going off about it. Do you have the Russian toy? My parents got it for him.

But talk about like, this is hazardous. It's metal with like sharp plastic. And then you push it on top and it spins. It's like a giant spinning like. Oh, no, we have, we have like a plastic version of that. Oh, no. Not the original version. Oh, G1.

Like the tin top? We, yeah, that used to be here. No, but with it, but it has like spikes. No one doesn't have spikes. Rotor voice. It will detonate if you hit it too hard. No, it is, I mean, it is crazy how of, I mean, I see this all the time that, you know,

we're so safety conscious with our toys. And when we had kids and I would go and see the toys, everything is, they've thought a million different ways. And the minute there's any hint that some little thing might be slightly hazardous, the toy is recalled. And then whenever you're over in Europe, you'll see like, oh, it's spiky, the iron spike, you know, and, you know.

Or the slides? Yes, the slides. The slides is like, I mean, it was a, it's a death trap. They're metal, they're very steep, they hurt you. And I kept putting my kids on them, we were in Budapest, and so we would take them to these parks and it was like steel communist parks. And I was just like, you want me to put my baby on that slide?

And I was like, well, I went on them. I went on them, I'm okay. If you don't, I will. Yeah, none of these would pass muster, you know. There's just a different attitude, which sometimes is like a little refreshing, like you get on a boat and it's like, yeah, maybe we have a couple of life jackets.

Shut up. Get on the boat, what's the worst that could happen, you know? It's a very different idea. It's different, yeah. There's different, I mean, having married a Soviet, there is a definitely just like that very distinct difference in how he was raised and in how I was raised.

Yeah. Well, not how we were raised, but like how we grew up. But also it talks about when you were raised because my father's a doctor and I said to him once, this peanut allergy thing, it's just new, like because I read history a lot and never heard about it growing up at all

about peanut allergy. I said, is this something that developed later? And my father went, oh no, no, there was, there were always peanut allergies, always. They always existed, because you know, this is a scientist who knows this stuff. And I said, really, well, what did people do then? He went, oh, a lot of people died.

Oh my God. There was a different time. Yeah, other priorities. Yeah, there are other priorities. Like, well, we got nine kids, so two of them just ate some peanuts and died. Well, the other ones seem to not have the allergy. Let's keep moving.

Let's get that burrow out of the mud and get going. So I want to make sure that I talk about your movie, which I watched last night, which I really enjoyed, Luckiest Girl Alive. And I know this is an important project for you, because you're also a producer, right? This was a book. It was a book.

Yeah, it was a New York Times bestseller. Well, I'm super proud of it. I think it's a really, it's an amazing, fun story. Well, you tell me what you think, but be honest. I will be completely honest with you. I thought you were fantastic. And then there's also an actress who plays you at a younger age.

Keira, yeah. And she, often in movies, when they cut to, it's very tricky, because you're, you know, you're a very well-known iconic person. And when you cut to the, well, you are. You mean, you're, you know. Thank you.

Mila Kunis. So when they cut to a younger Mila Kunis, it's easy not to buy it. And I thought she was fantastic. I thought there was an amazing kind of symbiotic attachment with you too, where I completely bought, when they're cutting back to her,

that this is you at a younger age, and that you have a lot of what's made you as an adult is this trauma that you had when you were younger. And so I thought that was really well done. Yeah, it's a really hard movie to pitch or to talk about because you don't want to, it's a fun ride. I mean, I know that sounds, it's a heavy topic.

So I'm not trying to dilute the, by saying it fun, but it's an exciting story to watch unfold. I hope, I think. I also had the luxury of having the writer on set with me all the time, who wrote the book and wrote the script, who this is slightly based off of her story. And so it was just a really, honestly,

it was, I know this sounds odd to say for the content of the film, but it was one of the most fun productions I've ever been on. And also when you're a producer on the film as well, doesn't, does that, I mean, every role you do, it feels like you are completely invested. As an actor, does that,

is anything changed when you're also producing? Yeah. You start realizing what budgets are. Yeah. I can just see you two going by the craft service table and say, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, that's a lot of casserole. There could be, and there's a lot of tuna in the casserole.

There could be less tuna in the casserole because that stuff isn't cheap. Yeah, yeah, there's that. I mean, it is, you just understand where your own money comes from. Like you realize you're like, I'm not a double, like you just realize, why would I take for myself? So there's a difference there.

You want to make sure everything happens. Time is of the, you realize what time costs in pre-production, you understand what setbacks are that as an actor would be like, well, that's not, that's their problem. That is not my problem. You figure out a new location. And now I'm like, you gotta go figure this out.

So there's that. And then you also are much more invested in the outcome of the film. Right. So, you know, there's a little bit more on it. Like if it's successful, then I'll be given the right to produce more content as a producer. But if it's, you know what I mean?

There's like, this is a little bit of new territory. So you still have to build a people's trust. I was, I had an experience this summer where I was asked to be in a film, not a huge role. And I'd never done anything like that before. And it's not, it's not my jam. And I never was interested in being an actor, but the people making the film were people I really love.

And I was intrigued. And I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do this. This is a good time. I'm not doing the late night show anymore. So I got to try this. I couldn't believe how hard it is. Oh, really? It's so different.

Because what I'm used to is get in there, make the show. It's a kind of, they're both hard in their way. I love them, but they're hard in their way. But I couldn't believe how hard everybody on a film works. They're there all day. All day, everyone's constantly on their feet. I just was blown away. I was, I really was impressed.

And afterwards they, whenever I had my last shot and they said, okay, you know, we're wrapping Conan. I just said, I have to tell you people, I cannot believe how hard all of you work. And so now I see films differently. I watch films and I think, oh my God, to do this scene with everybody over and over and over and over again from every angle.

I know that you're there. I know at how many people are stepping in, in between takes to make sure everything's right and relighting. And it's an incredible amount of work. Grueling. Yeah. This was hard for me.

And I had incredibly Latin, putting my, I mean, my representation made sure that I was massaged every hour. You were pampered. Oh my God. Yeah. Every scene I'm in, I'm in a bubble bath, which wasn't called for in the script.

That was just yours. They just, they just roll it in. And I'm like, hello gentlemen. So you're the murderer. Yes, I am. And then they'd roll me out. And it hurts the movie terribly. What is this?

Oh, the movie is, it's the guys from Saturday Night Live. Please don't destroy. Yeah. And they, they make these amazing shorts and they, they asked me if I would do a small thing in their film. And, and I did. And I adore them.

And I love their work. And so. Did you play Conan O'Brien? No. That was the thing that I. Oh, you played it again. Yeah. Cause, you know, when a talk show host is in,

one of those things it's usually. As a talk show host. Yes. You go in as a talk show host. And, and that I got asked to do a million times. And I would, you know, do it. And sometimes I show up in a movie as, you know, hi everybody, Conan here.

And we're talking to, and, you know, fake person who, you know, who was part of a, who was part of a movie. And you're part of that reality, but it's not real. But this I got to be someone who's very different from me, which was fun. No. That's exciting. Acting.

Acting killing. You're acting. Yeah. And you'll, yeah. I'm sure I'll be cut out. It doesn't matter. I had a real, I had a really good experience. And as long as they send me the footage that I'm cut out of,

I'll be very happy about that. Hey, thank you so much for being here. I, I mean it when I say, I'm very impressed with you as a person. I've, I really am. Thank you. I'm completely unchanged by all this stuff that you've gone through.

You are. You really are. I feel like at this point I'm almost old. I don't think it's going to change. I think this is it. I don't think it's going anywhere. You're not old. Yeah.

Trust me. I don't know, next year I have a whole new number that I'm, you know, transitioning into. The big three zero. Yes. Yes. I was trying to convince my kids I had a new age. So I was turning 39 and I was trying to tell my kids,

I was like, okay, mommy's turning 35. Okay. I'll just practice. 35. And my daughter who's like, like rules, rules are rules. You're like, you don't mess with rules. She was like, you are not, and you are lying. And that is, I mean, like dead 10.

And I was like, yo, listen, let's just practice. Like if someone were to ask, how's your mommy? What do we say? And my daughter goes, 39. You're 39. And I was like, oh, she's not even like my, like homie. I was like, forget it. You know, I flipped over into just,

I'm trying to embrace that idea that when people in the old days used to, were old, they were proud of it. I know. They were like, you know what? I'm 70 because no one got to be 70 back then. So I'm more and more trying to embrace the idea that I've been around a long time

and you punks don't know anything. You're right. I mean, that is the, the real way is like, we're so fortunate that we are like, we, yes, for sure. But still I look at that number and I go, oh my God, I remember my parents being that number. Oh, that I do all the time. And I was like, I wanted to put them in a home net.

Oh my God. Seriously, they were very healthy. Oh man. Active people with good jobs. And I was like, I really think it's time I'd have a van come show up occasionally. And they'd be like, no, what are you talking about? We're extremely healthy, viable.

Is your dad still practicing medicine? He does still. He does? Yeah, communicate with. He doesn't go into the lab every day, but he still is thinking about it and active. And he's working on antibiotic resistance. And I mean, he's been, he's been.

Wow. Yeah. Incredible. Both my parents have really strong work ethic. Do mom still work? She does not still work. Oh, okay. So less of a strong work ethic. So she's a failure is what you're saying.

Incredible, lazy. Side for the house. Sucking on some cheap box of wine. What a lazy broad. Yeah. Oh well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. This was great.

Thanks for having me. Thanks guys. See, no one got hurt. Interesting phenomenon has been occurring lately. I'll give you an example. Just a couple of days ago, I was in supermarket and I was picking up a few things. And I come around the aisle.

And as I'm coming around the aisle, I practically collide with this young woman who was, we don't, we just have baskets. You know, I didn't have that much to get. I want to say I had like five items. Okay. And she had like four, she had a basket, but we kind of collided almost with each other.

And I said, oh, excuse me. And she looked up and she had little earbuds in her ears. And she took an earbud out and she said, I'm listening to your podcast right now. Which freaked me out a little bit. Cause it was, I'm interrupting myself. And I sent out a tweet about this. I took a selfie.

I asked if it was okay. And we took a selfie and sent it out. But I realized it's been happening more frequently. If I'm around walking around, I'll bump into someone. And they'll say, it actually happened near our podcast studio here in large months. And I said, oh, I'm listening to you right now. And it feels like we need to discuss this,

meaning what should the etiquette be? Do I need to reward these people somehow? You know what I mean? Do I need to have a Willy Wonka golden ticket on me at all times? If you're listening to the podcast and you can prove it as you pass me, is there a secret handshake?

I mean, that's all, I'm just opening this up. And it may be that we decide, no, there's nothing we do. I have no obligation to these people, but it's a phenomenon that has not existed before. No one could run into me while they were watching my late night show all those years cause they were in their home watching it. So this is a new thing where people are walking around,

roaming around, possibly listening to me. And as we know, I'm not some, you know, one of those celebs that is always hidden from public view. I do everything I can to be seen constantly. You do, that's another thing. They might see you put the podcast on and be like, oh my God, I'm listening to you right now. Whatever pumps my ego pumps my ego.

I don't care at all. You're okay with that. I'm okay with them cheating. I'm wondering other people who are listening to the podcast and see me and go, oh God, and go the other way. Does that happen? Oh, interesting. Yeah, like I can't take a double dose

of this guy's voice right now. I doubt that. I bet they'd be more embarrassed to say, oh, I'm actually listening to you right now and they'll seem obsessed with you, which you would love. I would love that. I would love that. I get really weird when people say they recognize my voice

to the point where I feel like, cause you are also a people pleaser. So I don't know if I need to give them something. And sometimes I'm like, do I give them COVID's number? I love that. You're my personal assistant. And you're thinking about giving people my personal phone number.

I call you. You know what you should do is hand them your phone and say you get to pick one celebrity phone number out of there. Yeah. And guess what? I would not be the pick of the numbers that you probably have.

But I, it's just something that I thought, this is a new technology has created a new situation where someone can be hearing your voice, walking around in the world and then encounter you. And so if that happens, it feels like I don't know. I'm just questioning. You should give every person that's listening to you and finds you in public $100.

And then this make this kind of like a treasure hunt, you know? I guess, fuck you. Is the appropriate response? Sorry, $500. Now you're talking. No, I do not want to do that. You know, right now what happens when people see me and they want to show that they know them,

and this happens all the time is they say, cataclysm as God, and that happens, I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I mean, I just didn't know if there's a little, you know, because I want to, I'm very appreciative that people listen. But isn't the gift, the podcast, like you're welcome? The gifts, the podcast.

All along. You're welcome, right? You should, when people say, hey, I'm listening to you right now, you should just be like, you're welcome. Yeah, with real attitude. Yeah, fuck you, you're welcome. Yeah.

Maybe that's your thing. I love that, fuck you, you're welcome. Yeah. Yeah, Conan, I'm just encountering you right now at this Buddhist temple. You're lighting a candle, and I also happen to be listening to you, fuck you. You're welcome.

Oh, it's fine, it's all on the podcast, you're talking about how kindness is important. Yeah, well, that's the podcast. You're lucky to get it, it's pretty hard to get. It's actually free and available wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. You're welcome for that gift I gave you.

Yeah. You know, I don't know. So you went one way, Gorley went to, I hand them a crisp $100 bill. Crisp. Mint issue. We're very different. You know what, I should have gag $100 bills made.

It looks like a $100 bill, but really it's my face on it. Yeah. And it says, you've been Conan. And I'm making like a really lascivious face on it, and I've got moose antlers and, you know. That's the same as saying, fuck you. Yeah. Well, that's on the other side.

We're usually, there's the pyramid with the eye, that's where this the fuck you. You gotta, you know, you gotta lay these things out. Anyway, we haven't figured it out yet, but if you do see me and you are listening to the podcast, when you see me. You're welcome. Yeah, when you see Conan, just go up to him and go,

fuck you. No, don't, don't do that. What if I'm with my kids? It's gonna be traumatic for me. Don't do that. That's what they say to you. Don't do that. No, no.

Don't do that. Oh man. Don't do that. Thanks a lot, Matt, you're a good guy. You're welcome. My daughter will be crying. Why did that happen? No, she'd probably laugh.

Oh yeah, they love it when I'm verbally assaulted on the street. Well, what a wonderful session. Put a nice button to a session. We did it again. Yep. All right, well, I'll see you out there. Keep on listening, fans.

And fuck you, you're welcome. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Bekdon. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts,

and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are down below.

This has been a Team Coco production and association with Ear Walk.