Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Molly Shannon

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Actress Molly Shannon feels proud to be Conan O’Brien’s friend. Molly sits down with Conan to talk about being a child stowaway, the reckless physicality of Mary Katherine Gallagher, and her new memoir Hello, Molly! Later, Matt Gourley shares comments from a lustful thread on the Conan subreddit.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Molly Shannon, and I feel proud to be your friend. Oh, that's so sweet. Yes. Are you really proud? Proud, and, um, yeah, I would say proud. Proud to be your friend. Okay, you're shouting. I brag about it.

You're shouting. Really? Exactly. I'm selling the world. But that is the word that comes to mind, proud. Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, a terrific podcast, if I do say so myself. I tripped over the word podcast, and you know what, that means it's not a terrific

podcast by definition. No, you knew Freudian. You were lying. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. What did I say? Did I say podcast? It sounded like you said pod-ch-ch-ch-chast.

Do you still think you host a show? Yeah, we've turned this off long ago. It doesn't work. I know. So what am I doing? We do this all for your ego. This thing never sees the light of day. That's funny, because if you knew how many people come up to me every day and shout

buzzwords from this podcast. Like pod-chast? Yeah, and that'll be a new one, pod-chast. Hey, Conan, like the pod-chast, and I won't even know what they're talking about. I've had people recognize my voice. Yeah. That's really cool. That doesn't happen to me.

Wait, so they heard you across a room? Okay, Matt. No, I'm not. No. What are you trying to say right now? They heard you from three counties over. Okay. Well, I'm sorry.

You have a loud, you're a loud woman. Yes. You're a loud woman, and yes, they have heard me from across the room. Okay. You're one of the loudest. I got upset at you, but you're totally right. You're one of the loudest people I've ever met. Okay.

No, I'm not. I know a friend of yours who's even louder than I am. I know the friend you're talking about is one of my good friends. Yes. He's quite loud. Yeah. I think you blow him out of the water. I grew up in a very loud environment.

I come from a very loud people, and we are loud. Yeah. It's fine. It's so defensive. So why would you say that it's not true? Because I feel like you're coming at me from like a very judgmental perspective. Not at all. I think it's great.

If you're ever lost in the forest, I'll find you instantly. Okay. You know what I mean? I'd like to go hiking with you just because I wouldn't need a whistle. You could just start in a normal conversational tone saying, hmm, maybe we should get lunch, and park rangers would hear you nine miles away. Okay. I'm recording at home, but I have your microphone here, and I'm picking you up for this podcast.

All right. This is fun. Okay. This is fun. This is so fun. Wait. You're just picking up her voice from a microphone that's sticking out your window? Yes.

It's traveling from Hollywood to Pasadena. Yes. Wow. And it comes in perfectly fine. Sona, I think you're, you know this. I think you're terrific. I think you're terrific. I hate this.

What are you talking about? I don't know what you're going to say, but I hate it so much. You're a good friend. You're a great assistant. You're loyal. You are so loud. You know what's funny? Oh, God, just say it a little.

I know. I was going to say, this is years after me controlling it because people have called me out on it so much. If I really want to talk normally, this is it. Oh, wow. That's it. Yeah. This is my actual voice that I want, that I have to subdue because people like you-

Stop it. Cars are crashing right now. Because people listen to this while they're commuting, and right now people are reaching for the volume button and their cars are going off the embankment. The windows in my office just shattered. Jesus, I hate it here so much. Well, what do you do because you have twins now that need to be put to bed? I bet you're very quiet when it's time for them to go to sleep.

I'm quiet, and then it gets loud in my house just because there's so many ethnic people just walking in it. People you're related to- Yes. They're Armenian relatives. It's a small world ride at your house. Yeah, it's awful. Like, well, just put them down.

They'll be a noise machine, and then the door will open. Oki will start barking. People will be like, what's going on here? And then they're awake. Is this your parents? Is this your- It's everyone. It's my parents.

It's tax parents. It's my cousins, my brother. And then do they play their ancestral instruments? How does it- Okay. I can't. You can't. But isn't there a drum that the Armenians have and a fife?

What is it? It's a dungbag and a duduk. A what? A dungbag. That's the drum. Dungbag. And a duduk. Don't call us a dungbag and a duduk.

Dungbag and duduk? Is that true? Did you have a dungbag and a duduk at your wedding? I remember there- Right here. Was there a dungbag and a duduk at your wedding? Yeah. When we first walked into the wedding-

I remember that. There was an accompaniment. I thought someone had backed into some trash cans. I'm sorry. You're listening to Dungbag and Duduk in the morning. Yeah. Guess what? That's the-

In Yerevan in Armenia that is the wacky drive-time show. It's dungbag and duduk! Dungbag and duduk! Dungbag. And dungbag. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ko problematic. With Sonam of Sesse and broadcasting live from Los Angeles without a mic.

They can hear me in Armenia. Yes. Okay, I just wanted to make sure- They don't think you ever left. People were like, Sona's done very well. She never went to America. I heard it this morning. Well, it's Dumbak.

I love Dumbak and Dudu. I'm sported in this country. You had all attempted to name your twin sons Dumbak and Dudu. I was not at all ever, no. Dumbak, Dudu, come to mama. I hate when I teach you new things about Armenians because then you just do this all the time. Dumbak, Dudu, I bought you a bicycle bill for two.

Dumbak, Dudu, put that back. Oh, look, the rap sign. I don't see it. It's right there. Oh, I see nothing. No, that was just, I was fanning myself. That's not a rap sign. All right, we'll look for our other podcasts.

We'll be broadcasting the morning in Armenia, Dumbak and Dudu. Those two wild men are gonna shake things up in our Armenian drive time radio. All right, we have an excellent show today. My guest is a hilarious actress who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live, where she was known for characters

like Mary Kathleen Gallagher. You used to be Kathleen. You know, I may post some of this. I'm sorry, you messed up. Podcast. Let's try it again. Where she was known for such characters as Mary Kathleen Gallagher and Sally O'Malley.

Now you can see her in the Showtime series. I love that for you. She also has a new memoir, Hello Molly, out now. This book is terrific, by the way. I'm very excited to chat with her today. ["Molly Shannon"] Molly Shannon, welcome. First of all, I adore you.

You know that. And I am very happy today to be talking about your book because a lot of celebrities, famous people, write books. And a lot of them just do it because, okay, I can do this. You have such an amazing story to tell. Just an incredible story and it's beautifully told. Thank you.

So I'm happy about that. And I'm also thrilled about a million different things that you've been doing on television. And so you were at my house not long ago at a party. And I think, if you recall, I was just talking to you about how you're just hitting on all cylinders and it made me really happy. Thank you, Conan.

Yeah, and then I tried to hug you and you were like, hey, whoa, remember that? And then Liza said, Conan, you gotta go upstairs now. Remember that? It's funny. Aw. I didn't think it was funny. I know.

It was, it got a little uncomfortable. Just kidding. Wait, you know what's so funny? I held you and you said, I think that's long enough. And I said, just a little more, just a little more. And you said, hey, whoa. And then I didn't, you blew a whistle. I remember and I was escorted out of my own home.

Oh no. Which is embarrassing to be taken to be ejected from your own home. But it wasn't the first time. It was the ninth time. And that was just that holiday season. Constantly being thrown out of my own home. But you did the right thing.

You stood up to me. I'm just crazy. It was important. I don't know. I've always felt a very special kinship to you. You and I were both hit over the head at birth with a massive sack of Irish Catholic. Oh my God.

Heavy on the Irish, heavy on the Catholic. And I think we have similar craziness running through our brains. And so I've been very happy to get you on the show. But another thing is that we, I'm over here on this side of town a lot. And I'm here because we do the podcast here. And our head writer, Matt O'Brien, lives over here.

So a lot of times I'll hook up with him and we'll get a bite to eat and we'll walk around. And every single time we pass this beautiful house and he goes, oh, that's so Molly Shannon's house. And every time. Every time. Yeah. What a weirdo.

I love that. No, no, he does it because he's, I think you've met him a few times, but he's just like, oh my God, it's such a, and he points out the house and then he knows your security code, which is weird. It's not enough you get kicked out of your own house. You got to drive by hers.

Yeah, I know. Whenever I get kicked out of my house, I walk over in this part of town, I won't say where it is, but I will say the street on the number. But no, we pass it and it's just, you know, very nice house. And I always think the same thing, which is I have this urge to go up and knock on the door

because you're that kind of person. Yeah, I would never do that. I would never do that with anybody. It would be like you and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Those are the two I feel comfortable knocking on the door. Well, I just would walk on the door and he'd answer and he'd probably wearing like some silk robe and I would start fighting him.

What? But you, I- You should do that sometimes. Yeah. Here's the thing, here's the thing, and I want to explain this to all our listeners around the world. This is something that nobody does in LA.

Yeah. It's an unwritten rule that you never do that and it's considered weird and I'm always thinking, oh, I just want to go knock on the door because it's Molly. I love Molly. Yeah, yeah. And I've met your husband a bunch of times

and I love him, Fritz. And I just like knock on the door and maybe you'll answer. And then I see us like playing a board game or something. Oh, what? No matter what you're doing. Oh my God. But- Is this the same with Jean-Claude Van Damme?

Oh, Jean-Claude Van Damme, we play Twister. Okay. But again, that turns into a kicking fight. I don't know. You know what's so funny, Conan? I've always wanted to be the type of person that's so relaxed that if somebody did that, I'd be like, come on in.

Like it's a very Irish thing. Yes. Come have a spot of tear or a glass of whiskey. You know what I mean? Or have several bottles of whiskey. Oh, come on in. Come on in. I just put some peat on the fire

and we'll sit around and tell stories. Exactly. But I feel like everybody's so busy nowadays and this and that. We're both parents and we work in this. But I do fantasize about being that type of person who's like really in the moment and like, come on in. But you know what's so funny?

Mike White's producer, Dave Bernad, does do that. Really? He'll be like ding dong. He'll be like Molly, Lucas Cage and I are driving around. Can we come over? And they do come over. Yeah. They do still call first.

And they stop over. I mean, he does text first to say, I'm nearby. Are you there? The one person, the one, the one person I know in Los Angeles who will crash into my house and not call ahead or anything. Adam Sandler? Yes.

I knew it. How did you know that? I just know. Because I know Adam. Oh my God, that's crazy. Adam, right? So I've been in my house and I hear, Cody!

Cody! And he doesn't even ring. There's like a bell. He doesn't even ring the bell. Cody! Cody! And I enter the door and he'll come in and he's always wearing the same thing.

He'd be wearing it, you know, walking down the street or playing basketball or if he gets a Nobel Prize and they put a medal around his neck, he'll be wearing those kind of long basketball. Gym shorts? Yes. And big puffy sneakers and like a tank top. He comes crashing in the house.

He'll be with his kids and be like, come on! Hey, Cody! Cody! And he'll immediately say, we can't stay! We can't stay! We can't stay! We gotta go! I know you don't want us here.

And I'll be like, no, Adam, this is great. Have a seat. We'll watch it. No, no, no. And then within 30 seconds, we gotta go! This man, we're not wanted! And then he and his kids will go piling out of the house and I won't even know what happened.

But I can't believe you guessed it. I guessed it. I know that. You know why too? Cause I was just in Hawaii and with my kids, Stella Nolan and all their friends, I took a bunch of kids to Hawaii and we were all having so much fun.

And Adam was there too. And I was like, come over! And they did! They came to the hotel and, you know, Adam is very much like that, I think. Well, he's sort of like a more deranged version of Zorba the Greek. Like, he's just, when he's around,

he's like, hey, let's go! Come over here, let's have cookies! Let's get a milkshake! You know, he's, you know, so high on everyone getting together and having a good time. It's so funny that you just mentioned Hawaii because you mentioned it and I pictured you in White Lotus.

And it's so funny because I just now, I don't know how Hawaii feels about that show, but everyone's fantasy is going to Hawaii. And since that show, if anyone mentions Hawaii, I think, oh my God, White Lotus. Someone's going to poop in my suitcase. And then you were in it and you were fantastic. Oh, thank you.

One more thing I was going to say about Adam is that Adam is always like you, Adam has like that thing in him where he's always worried about everyone else too, like make sure he takes care of everyone. So he'd be very thoughtful if he was intruding or not wanting to bust in on your time. So he's a good person to do that, you know what I mean? He's great.

He almost overdoes it because I'd like it. I love that guy. And so it'd be nice if he stayed. So he has the impulse to come in and crash in and then I'll say, oh, come on, let's sit. Let's talk. How are you? I gotta go.

I know when I'm not wanting to go. No, please. It's funny. I've literally made a pillow that says, stitched a pillow that says Adam, please stay. It's on the couch. That's so cute. I know you don't mean it.

No, I stitched it myself. It took six weeks. I'm out of here. He's out of here. But yeah, White Lotus, we were back there in Hawaii, visiting when the show was airing. And I was like, oh my God, this is so crazy.

Cause it is like White Lotus. And I was reminding myself of the character that I played, but we had so much fun shooting that. Oh my God. Adam makes almost all of his movies in Hawaii. And I think he sets, I mean, if Adam was gonna play a soldier fighting in World War II in like France, in Paris,

he'd insist they shoot it in Hawaii. And they'd put up a cardboard Eiffel Tower in the background. And they'd be like palm trees and people would be drinking my ties with flowers in them and saying, ooh, it's Paris. Yeah, exactly. It's so true. He knows how to do it right.

There's so much to talk about. First of all, I wanna start because you've written this incredible memoir. And I've known your story. I think there are a lot of people out there that don't know your story. And you tell it really beautifully and there's some real darkness,

but you tell it without pity. You're someone who's just saying, hey, here's what happened. You and your family was in a terrible automobile accident when you were four years old. Yeah, and in that crash, you lost your mother and a sister and a cousin. Yes, yes.

And so you literally come to in the hospital, I know we're taking a real hard turn here, but there's no other way to get into it. There's a part that's just heartbreaking in the book where you don't know where your mom is and no one will tell you. They keep saying, everyone keeps saying, well, we'll get to that.

And your thought was she's in another room. Yeah, my thought was exactly Conan. I was like, people were bringing us all these gifts, like toys and trying to act really cheery. There were a lot of relatives. And I was just like, I want to see my mom and my sister Mary was six at the time. So she and I survived.

But I was like, where's my mom and where's Katie? And they wouldn't tell us. So I got myself dressed finally because I was like, nobody's telling me we're there. And I figured they must be in another section. I was like, my mom must be up there with Katie in the baby section. Katie must be with all the babies

because she's three and I really need to see her now. So I just insisted. So I put the robe on and I thought, if I can just get up that ramp, I'll go through those double doors and they're probably up there. So I walked up and they were like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't go in that section.

And they escorted me back to my bed. And I was just, yeah, so upset. And then finally a relative did tell me that they had died and gone to heaven. They pretty much told you, because I think in the book, which you say, they don't even know they say initially that she died. They just say she's in heaven and you're just trying

to figure out, well, how do I, because it's a very strange thing to tell any child that information. But to go right to there in heaven, you were thinking, well, I don't understand. I mean, how do I get there? Because I need to go be with my mom. Yeah, exactly.

You know what I mean? That to me was just like, it's not like, okay, check that box, we solve this problem because she knows she's in heaven because to you that just meant like, well, no, I still need my mom. So how do I get there? What do we do?

Exactly, yes, exactly. And I think that, right, they were trying to really tie it up. Like it's a good thing. Like, no, no, no, she's in heaven. Like with the angels. And I was like, you know, I really did. Yeah, my thought was, please, how can we get there?

Like, could we, could we fly there or could we somehow see them or visit them? Or, because I think you cannot understand at that age, it doesn't really make any sense. I think there's a big difference in losing a parent when you're four versus even seven or 10. Or, and at that time I was just like, it's like, like almost,

there was no way that I could accept that or grieve her at that time because I think it would have like annihilated me truly. So I just- It's almost protective that you didn't. Yeah. There's something maybe, I don't know, in our makeup or our biology,

but a four year old can't possibly understand yet, which might be a blessing. Exactly, which might be a blessing, right? So it came up later in life, much later grieving my mom through like dating and falling in love, I grieved my mom through relationships with men more. That was strange if that didn't come up till then.

But I was gonna say that, yeah, right, it's like this fantasy that she'll be back at the house. So I made stuff up, still waiting, hoping, like for a long time. Like, you know, I don't know, strange how the brain, how a child's brain works. Yeah. But very early on, you talking about your dad,

I don't know if it was because of this experience he went through or if he was like this way anyway, but he had kind of a go for broke attitude, not conventional, almost rules don't apply attitude towards how you kids should see life. Yeah. And your sister, so it was, I mean, I remember you telling me this a long time ago,

but you recount it in the book, this time that he just kind of dared you and your sister at a young age to get on a plane by yourself, see if you can get on a plane by yourselves and go somewhere. Yes, exactly. With no plan and no... Nothing.

He didn't even think that you would do it, did he? No, he did not think that we would do it. It was actually me and my friend, Anne Ramp, who was my childhood friend, he was like, you should do that, that would be the greatest dare. And we were like, very young. I think maybe like 11 and 13 or we were really young. I actually told the story in NPR,

so they had to fact check it and call Anne Ramp and Jolene Ramp did all that. But anyway... We don't fact check here. So just go for it. I wanted to get the age, right? I think it was 11 and 12. But basically, yes, he dared us and he never thought we would do it. And one summer day, we were like, we're gonna do it.

And so we told Anne Ramp's brother, Tom, we're gonna do it, we're gonna try to hop a plane. And so, but we figured if that didn't work to get on a plane, get on some flight, we would go back and take a ballet class. So we dressed in leotards because we were really into ballet. We had pink leotards on with skirts and we had a change of clothes and a plastic bag

and a few dollars, that was it. But how did you even buy a ticket? We didn't buy a ticket. So basically what we did was we took the rapid transit in Shaker to Cleveland Hopkins Airport and we looked at the monitor and there was like a flight going to San Francisco and a flight to New York.

And I was like, let's take the one to New York. And we were like, yes. And this is before 9-11, there was no security. So you could walk straight up to the gate and then we went up to the gate and we said to the stewardess who was checking passengers on the plane, we just said, oh, would it be okay if we go to say goodbye to my sister?

It'll just be so quick. And she was like, oh, sure, go ahead girls. So we just like sprinted down the runway in our pink leotards with our hair and buns. Oh my God. And we were like, and it wasn't a very crowded flight. So we just went to the back and then we ducked down so she couldn't see us.

And then she forgot about us. And then all of a sudden it's like, you know, the plane's getting ready to take off and we were like, oh my God, oh my God. And so we grab onto those hands and we were like, just silently like, hey, I'm very full of grace allure is with you. With you.

I'm very full of grace allure is with you. I'm very full of grace allure is with you. I'm very full of grace allure is with you. You're full of grace allure is with you. And then it was like, up in the air. And we were like, squeezing one another, dying. And we were so excited. And then she came over, you know, like 15,

no, 15 minutes later to ask us what we wanted to drink or eat as a snack, that same stewardess. And she was like, she looked like she was going to faint. And she was like, can I get you ladies something to drink? Oh, she knew that she had been had. She knew, yeah. And then we thought we might get busted on the way out when the plane finally landed.

We were like, are we gonna get in trouble? But we did not. We just like, you know, went down the runway. And then we got to the front to exit the plane. And she was just like, bye, ladies. Oh my God. She didn't want to get in trouble. I would do the same thing.

I know. Bye. Like this. She looked really scared. And we were like, we're in New York City. And we, yeah, we were 11 and 12. Wow, okay. Because in a way I could see this flight attendant thinking,

if I don't acknowledge this, it's not my screw up. So maybe these two kids are never heard from again, but doesn't come back to me. Doesn't come back to me. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And we didn't have any money. So we were like, I had never been, you know,

I'd heard about places in New York City on the television. So I was like, let's go to Rockefeller Center. That's where we wanted to go. Isn't that weird? So we just asked strangers like, how do you get to Rockefeller Center? And they were like, so we had to take the subway from the airport.

So we walked, it's like a 30 minute walk. So we walked and we jumped the turnstiles because we didn't have any money. And then we got to New York City. I love that you're in, and keep in mind, you're dressed in ballet tutus the whole time. Yeah, it was like two little ballerinas on a crime spree in New York City.

It was amazing. It was at the afternoon, this was amazing. And then we were hungry and we went to a diner and we dined and dashed. We were like, you were just really bad. We stole things all day. Like I love New York T-shirts and then we called my dad. And how did that go over?

It was fine because he couldn't be mad because he had dared us to do it. So he was like, oh my God, Mali, oh gosh, oh wow. But he was excited, but he was also like, he couldn't believe we pulled off the prank. So he couldn't be mad because he'd given us permission. And then he called Jolene ramped Anne's mom and she broke out in cold source.

She was like, oh my God. And then my dad said, listen, why don't you try to find a place to stay for the night? And Mary and I will drive. You're 11, you're like 11 and 12. What year is this too? Like what kind of New York are we talking about? 70s, 80s, 80s?

Yeah, well it's like 76. Yeah, this is Taxi Driver. This is Taxi Driver. This is Fridge Connection. You're driving around. Yeah, this is the worst newy. Sid Vicious is in the hotel room next to you. Oh my God.

This is in New York. Oh, see if you can check out the Chelsea Hotel. It might be a good place for you to crash. Go down to Hill's Kitchen. Yeah, check out CBGBs. They fit in perfectly. They were two little criminals. They were just stealing stuff.

Unbelievable. Did you hear a gang from warriors? So where did you stay that night? So we went and checked into a couple nice hotels like in the Times Square area. And we would ask, could we stay at my dad? We'd call the hotel and say, we're going to be there. We'll arrive at midnight tonight.

But of course, the hotel said, no, we can't be responsible for two minors. He goes, but they'll wait in the lobby. No, no, no, no. We need an adult in-person with a credit card. So basically, we tried multiple hotels and they would not allow us. So then my dad said, well, you got to come back home.

And he was like, and I'm not paying for it. So figure it out. Oh my God. Wow. So we had a full, fun, crazy day in New York City and the best day ever. And then when it started to get dark, we headed back to the airport.

And again, no cash. So we just sprinted over the turns out, back to JFK, looked for flights to Cleveland. But now in New York City, these flights were much more crowded. So we got up to the gate of one, tried to get on a seat, but sneak on a seat, same thing. Can we say goodbye to my sister? And then people kept coming up.

I'm sorry, this is my seat. Is there some except them moving to another seat? Excuse me, this is our seat. It was a fully packed flight. So we came back out, called my dad, and he was like, all right, I'll put it on my credit card. But you need to pay me back with your babysitting money. So we did lie home and he picked us up.

And we did celebrate. But and then we did eventually pay him back with all our babysitting. What? Yeah. It's just insanity. And I, I, it was so fun. You know, I have to say, it's funny because we live in this era. I mean, I contrast it with, with my childhood.

And I had no experiences like that, but I was one of six. You know, my parents were busy. And I think there were a whole swaths of time where they weren't quite sure where I was. Yeah. Because that was the time. Now, my wife knows where our kids are every second of every day. There's no such thing as like, oh, I don't, you know, in third grade, I was taking a, you know,

waiting for a bus on route nine to take me home. But it was not thought of as crazy at the time. What you're describing is insane in any era. Yeah. Maybe in the Middle Ages. You know, you could, you could, I dare you to attack that castle in Scotland. I'm 11, go ahead.

But we live in the south of England. Go see if you can do it. Oh my God. I love that. Yeah. But I mean, because this leads to the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is in your comedy and your performance, and particularly in Mary Catherine Gallagher, the physicality of it. Yeah. Was what really made it special.

Do you know what I mean? And it was, and it doesn't, if you submitted a Mary, Mary, Catherine, Catherine Gallagher as a, in a script, you wouldn't understand. You have to see you become that person and then hurl yourself into iron folding chairs. It's so funny because there was no faking it. You would, am I right?

Absolutely. I mean, it looked like you were, you were getting hurt all those years you were playing her. I like the way it felt kind of, because it made me feel like, I think I was in a reckless place in my life where I didn't care. I was just like, I liked bleeding and getting cut and bruised and, you know, I kind of thought of it like punk rock, like it was a way to express anger.

And it felt good that it was really physical. And I didn't care. I just didn't care. I would never do that now. I was in a different place in my life where I didn't mind bleeding and being cut and getting bruised. And, you know, it was like a very reckless and it has to do with losing my mom and anger. And I was expressing myself. Does that make sense?

It does. Yeah. It totally makes sense that it is a release. Yeah, release. They're breakaway walls, but what people don't understand is it still hurts. Yes. Like if you, you know, the times that you would go through a wall and then rise up, you know, superstar, you know.

But that hurts, you know, and I've done it enough to know that that hurts and you were doing it at three times the velocity. That's so amazing. Brian's smile, they eventually got like a stunt guy because when I would first do it, I, I, yeah, I would just throw myself in the metal chairs and stuff. And then, then SNL hired a stunt man and Brian's smudge

and they would, they were like, she's fucking out of a mind. Oh my God. Yeah. And then it's set a barometer for other stunt women where they would have to copy that. They go, we want that and more. So it's, it was like, they thought I was crazy. They were hated by stunt people.

Yeah, yeah. They thought I was crazy. But, but I would never do that kind of thing now. But what I want to say too is it just, it also felt good to wake up Sunday morning. I like that my muscles hurt. It made me feel like I worked really hard and I feel like I poured myself into the character.

So it just felt good. So there was also not just a dark side to it. No, no, no, no. But it's also what I, what also I have to say, it's very Catholic too. There's a no good can come without some pain. And some suffering that's instilled in us pretty much at birth and so the years I was at Saturday Night Live,

I used to try and see, okay, most people stay up two nights. I'd try and stay up like three nights. I mean, literally to the point where like, I'm crying and a weird gel is coming out of my eyes. So they're melting, you know? And there's this perverse, I hate to say, it's not sexual.

It's not like an S and M kind of thing, but it's a weird, I'm hurting myself from my craft. Isn't that, isn't that good? And I totally agree with you now, the idea of having to go to a physical therapist the next day and work on this for six weeks. I don't want to do that. I know.

And it's so funny Conan, because now I'm very different. Like if I do have to do a stunt, I actually just did a movie with Florence Pugh and we had a very physical scene and I wanted to have padding because it was really rough. I don't want to bust my rib anymore. It's not worth it.

We're parents and you know, so now I would never do that kind of stuff. And I'm so glad I didn't have a serious injury, thank God, because you know, I could have broken my neck or back or like you're saying a hip or something like that. Yeah, I was reading in the book and there's this part where you took Mary Catherine Gallagher very seriously and you wrote down different rules for her.

Which were important for you. And your approach was almost quite method and quite serious. Like you went at it as these are the rules for Mary Catherine Gallagher. She's terrified, she's afraid. She's so shy, shy, shy. She starts off shy. And I also wrote to that the audience must know

what she wants. It has to be crystal clear. She wants this, she wants to get this part. And it has to be life or death stakes. So it makes that release like blast off. You know what I mean? And then one thing I wanted to say too, I feel like Hollywood loves an extrovert.

It's like, oh, an extrovert, yay. But I feel like I love introverts. I love when people are quiet and awkward and I like when they don't know what to say or I like when mistakes are made. I think it's so funny and sweet. I know that, you know, we're here talking about the book but you also did this TV show.

I love that for you. Which, oh, yeah. I just finished it last night, I wrapped. Yeah, you just wrapped it and it's coming out. And I wanted, I was really curious because I love your work and I watched this. Two episodes of this show they sent me. I mean, I swear to God, I think they edited it

an hour beforehand and sent it to me. But this is a show that couldn't have existed 20 years ago because there's such small moments that are so great. Yeah, I'm doing that show with Vanessa Bayer who's also from Cleveland, Ohio. And she's so funny. She's so funny and so great. And Jesse Klein and Jeremy Byler.

And Mike Showalter. You know, one of the things you talk about in the book that blew me away, which I did not see coming and I did not know. There was a Saturday Night Live Mother's Day special. And I did remember at the time that all the different cast members brought their mom on. Obviously you couldn't do that, so you brought your dad.

And then there was some revelations afterwards. Yes, well, my dad was, he always kind of wanted to be an actor himself. He would have loved to have pursued a career and show business professionally and taken acting classes at the Cleveland Playhouse. And he did his own writing after the accident to help with the grief about losing his wife

and his baby daughter and niece. So he wrote a lot about how sad he was and also the good memories. And I put that in the book too, because I loved his writing and he really loved performing. And we would do scenes around the house a lot, like acting exercises and I'll get to Saturday Night Live. But I became interested in acting because of my dad.

So he would have us do like skits in the house where he'd go, okay, pretend that somebody calls on the phone and you have to trick your friend so they think somebody's really calling. And we would practice and it had to be very real. And if it wasn't real, he'd be like, stop, that seemed fake. So I started with the Jim Shannon School of Acting. So we would be like, hello, Shannon residents.

And this is Molly speaking. Uh-huh, yeah, he's right here. Yeah, uh-huh, okay. Yeah, and then we, so we would, so he would really, we would trick our friends so much because the acting was so real. So that comes from my dad. But what I wanted to say was,

so when I brought him to SNL for the Mother's Day Special, it was like making a man's dreams come true. He wanted to be an actor, but what was so sad was when he came to visit, he did confide in me. He was shivering in the dressing room and Kay Ferrell put a sweater on him. And he was acting a little weird. Like he seemed so thin and a little shaky and he wasn't,

you know, he didn't seem, he seemed thinner, like not fully his full energy, but it was like, I finally got him on SNL. This is what he wanted, his dream, but he was dying of cancer. He told me during that trip, we were up there in a hotel. And he was like, I do have cancer. And, you know, I do, you know, have a little bit

of a death wish, you know, he just didn't want to go through all the chemo and all that. He didn't want to do that. So it was, it was hard having him on there. I know it was great having him, but he didn't look as best because he looked kind of thin. And he also wasn't telling me he had cancer. So when we filmed our bit, I was like,

daddy, he felt like, he was like a little slow. I was like, speed it up, you know, come on, come on. And, you know, but he was having fun too. Cause he got to, we got to go through hair and makeup. And he got to, he goes, boy, people don't know what goes into this. This is hard. I was like, exactly.

So he really got to have the great experience. But when it did air, he was like, oh, I hated the way I looked. And, and he called me. I was in Canada shooting. I wish you could have told him that's all of us. Yeah, I did. Cancer or no cancer, anything I do, if, if I accidentally see it on a screen, I'm horrified.

Horrified. So I wish. I told him. I said, daddy, we all feel that way. Every little moment. I thought you told him Conan hates the way he looks. No. And he is right.

My dad loved you, Conan. You, you and Adam were so nice to him. And I remember he was so excited that he got to see that life through me, like come to parties and meet Conan O'Brien and Adam Sandler. I mean, it was like, I made his dreams come true, you know? And I still often asked myself, like, do I really still like this or did I just do this for my dad?

Like, cause I am a quiet person. Like, I don't care if somebody doesn't know what I do or I don't, I don't need that to esteem myself. I am more serious. So, so I do think, I think about that a lot. Like, do I want to make sure I still like it? I don't want to just be phoning it in. Or, you know, if I ever felt like it wasn't right,

I think that the business can be so hard cause you can always feel like you have to, you're not measuring up or it's never enough. It's like, it's so fucking exhausting. I just don't like those kind of childhood patterns where you have to keep going to like not feeling like enough. It's so old. I don't like it.

Those games are useful for a while. There's this, you know, this repetitious thought in cycles and putting yourself down and trying to build yourself back up again. And so, but you can, you can do that. You can go through those cycles for a long time and these negative thought patterns. And then what happens is you just get older,

and you have kids and then you start to realize as they're growing up, oh, this is so much more important than this, this bullshit. I've been completely worrying about all the time. How's the show, how's the show doing? What, what could be better? How could I have done that better? Kids really help, they help me a lot.

They really do. It's so true. I feel like my whole life changed having kids and it becomes about them, of course. So it's like, it just seems so self-involved to even think about that. I'm like, this is their time, you know what I mean? So I just think I actually feel embarrassed.

Like I don't like getting recognized when I'm with them because I'm like, this is their time. They don't mind, they understand showbiz and stuff. But right, obviously it gets to where you want and it's good to have that drive. But after a while, you're right, it does get old and I like to feel like, I measure up. I just don't want to have that map anymore

of like not feeling like you don't measure up and you're not enough. I don't want to be doing that when I'm like now and 60 and 70, it's just, it's exhausting. Did you get a lot of help getting to that point? I did, yes. I've worked hard in therapy on myself. That's good.

I talk about, I try and encourage people to get help because it doesn't, you can't do it on your own. You actually need another person in the room. Some people need medication, like you need a little bit of help and it's like anything else. It's like, if you want a six pack, which thank God, I don't, you have to do a lot of crunches and repetitions. I don't know which kind of six pack you were.

I know. I really want a six pack. Anyway, it's all through repetition and going at it again and again and again. And I think that's one of the things that... Just make your life better. I feel like happier and better. And I always remember, I think there's some people

where they have that flight response where things get too deep in therapy and then they flee because they can't deal with it. And then they're leaving at a point where they're like walking out, they're angry or whatever in the world. But I always wanted to confront stuff. I like it because I felt like it just made me happier

and calmer and so I've always been open to doing that kind of work. And it just has made my life better. You left SNL and you talk about it in the book, you had encountered people who said, oh, this is going to be great. SNL is a great stepping stone. And your reaction was, what are you talking about?

Yeah, a stepping stone. I was like, what? This is everything. I could just stop right here. I could freeze myself. This is just, I can't believe I even came this far. I never even dreamed it could be like this. I could just freeze and that would be enough.

And that's truly how I feel. But that is unusual because most people, it's very human, but most people when you get one thing, you immediately make it the very least you should have. This is something humans just do. It's becomes like, this is the very least I should have. And I see this in show business all the time. People go from, oh my God, I can't believe I'm,

this is even happening to me. And within three months, they're saying, I've got this. How do I get that? And if I don't get that, I've kind of failed. Yeah. And the thing is, if you feel inadequate, working more is not going to fix that. You know what I mean?

Like I always try to think that. Like I don't, do you know what I mean? Yes. I mean, sometimes if it's bringing you joy, great. But I think a lot of times people are like, ah, I got a, they're competing with something. But you may be competing with somebody who has a serious work addiction.

So look at it as that. Mike White says this great thing where he was like, my mom always wins by being the happiest. And I was like, that's amazing. Because for some people, it can be to the point where it's not about money, it's about like power. And you know what I mean? It just can get really unhealthy.

And I love being creative, but I also want to be happy. I don't want to do it at the expense of my children and being present for them. And I think because I lost my mom as a kid, I feel really wanting to grab this time now. I have an urgency about it, knowing that you never know how long you have with somebody. So I really realized, oh my God, you're up to bat.

Because I lost her so young that I want to do a really good job as a mom. That's like my number one thing. Does that make sense? Yes. And so I don't want to miss out on that. Of course. Yeah.

And I just think, I think because I struggled so long to make it that I really appreciate it. You know what I mean? And I think the same with SNL, I was always like, I could just stop right here. I knew what that type of gig was, how special it was, and it's live. And I do think Lauren knew that about me.

I was just like, oh my God. This is the greatest ever. Nothing may ever top this live performance experience. And that's true. It's just spectacular. There is nothing like that. So I did know that when I was there, and I appreciate it. Isn't it funny?

And I think that, and we both saw this. We've seen it time and time again. But Lauren Michaels has kind of a fascination and real appreciation for Irish Catholics. He does. Didn't he come in? He does. He really does.

And I just keep thinking about all down the line, I think, because he grew up this Jewish kid in Toronto, he's just fascinated by like, who are these people? It's so true. They're crazy. They're crazy. They're crazy, but I think he is amused by us. And thank God, because he's given us all these amazing lives.

Before we go, I just have to get you to, there's so many things in this book. I really want to encourage people to get it. Hello, Molly, a memoir, because you are very honest about the scams you pulled in your life. And you sound, this is a compliment, Sona. Sona has no fear in some situations. She's dabbled in shoplifting and car theft.

And car theft. We haven't proven you haven't done it. Well, OK. But because I know that you're taking some, then you have this whole part where you're trying to get started in show business. And you have a scam where you tell people that you work with David Mann.

What? And it's just a lie, but it works. Doesn't it work? It did. Well, my friend Gene Pack and I did study with him at NYU Drama School, Tisch School of the Arts. I wasn't in his class for too long. But when we were trying, struggling actors

trying to get our faces seen out in Hollywood, it was so hard to get an agent. You would send your head shut in, and nobody would call. And so we were like, we got to bust through somehow. So I thought of this. And basically, what we did was we would go to AFI Library and study managers and agents we wanted to pursue, because there was a big book that

said who Joan Cusack's represented by this person or that. So we would have a list of people we wanted to meet. And then Friday afternoon at about 4, we would each have a list where I had five people I wanted him to call. And he had five people he wanted me to call for him, agents and managers to get in.

And we would say, yes, can I speak to whatever ex-agent? This is Liz Stockwell. That was my name, calling from David Mamet's office. And I would love for you to meet. Can you please put the agent on? They'd be so excited. Oh my god, David Mamet's office. And the reason maybe we chose him was because we knew he

was on the East Coast, maybe in Vermont, wasn't coming. It wasn't in Hollywood. But then people were really delighted that maybe David Mamet was thinking of them. And they were like, right away, let us put you through to ex-agent. And then the agent would get on the phone and I would say, hi, whatever, Barb. You know, this is Liz Stockwell.

So we have this great kid in town. He's doing David's new show. We would make him the star of David's new play. And he's in town taking meetings. And he's going to go back to New York because they're in rehearsals. But we would love to have you meet him. And they would say, oh, sure.

We'll have Gene call me when he gets a 10. I was like, you know what? I had to schedule so busy if I could just set up the appointment now for him to meet you. And we couldn't hang up the phone till he had the appointment till we had the appointment in the books. And so whatever obstacle there was in the Mamet scam, we had an answer because we had both worked in telemarketing.

So we were like, if they say this, we say this. If they say, don't hang up till you've got that credit card. You know, make the sale. So basically, and I would say, David just speaks so highly of your company and you. And we'd love to be represented by your company. But oh my god, yes, let's get an appointment. And then Gene would make calls for me

saying he was Arnold Katz. And we would provide. And then we would, oh my god, we met everyone. Bernie Brillstein, we called Bernie. And he was like, you know, have Molly call my daughter Lee. And he was so nice. And you know, so we met everyone. It worked.

It worked. And that's how I got my first agent. Oh my god. And Gene got, we got jobs. But let me just put it out there. Let me just put it out there. If you're listening, this is something that will work for you too.

But it has to be David Mamet. Oh no. You have to keep sticking with David Mamet. Yeah. Even to, still today, you have to, I go to a restaurant that he goes to every now and then. And I see him and chat with him and. You do?

Yeah, he goes. He's a great teacher. We can't trust you. We can't trust you with that. Yeah. We don't know if you know him or not. You're a liar. I don't know if you would remember.

Anything you say that's manly and related is a lie. Did you even go to NYU? Yeah, Liz Stockwell. Yeah. David Mamet was always like, if you're not 15 minutes early for class, you're late. That was his philosophy. Right.

Yes. But no, he's so talented. Well, he's often late to this restaurant. Anyway. No, anyway, I just, I hope that everyone else starts doing it. And I started every now and then. People are so hungry for celebrity dish. There was a period of time when I was doing a standup tour

and at the end, when my set was done, people would ask me questions. And people, the question I get all the time is, OK, who's the worst guy? And I'd say, well, I don't want to say. And I go, come on, come on. So I just started throwing out a name at random. And it was Willem Dafoe.

Oh, that's. And people were like, gasp. And some people in the audience would be like, I knew it. First of all, let me just make it very clear. I've met Willem Dafoe and interviewed him a number of times. One of the loveliest people you'll ever meet. I can imagine. But I just, it's one of those names where

who would lie about Willem Dafoe? No one. You wouldn't lie about Willem Dafoe. It's too interesting a name and too interesting a choice. So I'd go Willem Dafoe and people would, in the audience, would be like, I always liked him. Damn him. Damn Dafoe.

And then I'd have to say at the end of the show, I swear to God, I was lying about Willem Dafoe. Because I couldn't commit to it. He's too nice. That is so funny. But I don't know. I'm very happy for you. I'm really happy that you wrote this book

because your spirit's in this book. Your story is tremendous. But your spirit is here in the book. And I think people are going to absolutely love it. And I root for anything that brings you more happiness because you've made so many people happy. You really have. And I know that your mom would have been very proud of you.

And your dad was so proud of you. I hope that's all healing for you, that you know how much joy you've brought, not just people you're related to, but so many comedy fans. You should feel the goodness. Thank you, Conan. That's so sweet.

I really do try to take that in. I think initially it was hard for me. Like when I was first on SNL, I felt this feeling like I thought that if I performed and got to the top and got on SNL and did backflips and did all this, I actually got very depressed at the peak of SNL because I think I've been running and trying to achieve for so long that I thought, well, that will bring my mother back.

And then when she didn't come back, because people come up and compliment me, but I couldn't really take it in because I was like, oh, I just really want her. You know what I mean? But then when I came to terms with that and kind of allowed myself to be depressed for several months, I could enjoy just being creative and enjoy it.

And I do feel that way now. Now I can really enjoy it if I make people happy. But I had to go through a process of grieving my mom and realizing, fame doesn't fix anything, you know what I mean? But thanks for saying that. Well, there's this old Latin saying, I think it's, maybe it's Greek and it was stolen by the Romans, I don't know, but it was basically through tears wisdom,

you know, and it's something I really believe in, which is it takes time and we have a society that's obsessed with avoiding pain and people get into all kinds of trouble trying to avoid pain. And when you just, when you sit with it for a little bit and enough time has gone by, you can actually get this grace, this feeling of like, oh, I'm okay. I'm okay now.

So you deserve that. You deserve that. You're absolutely one of my favorite people and so happy for you. And next time I will knock on your door. Okay, good. And I hope that I'll be like, come on in Conan O'Brien. You won't.

What? So insulting. Wait, wait, why? Because my people have been here for 180 years. Ah, it's Conan O'Brien. So we did a leprechaun. No, no, no. I would love that.

I would love that. Oh my God. Remember when we did the show where I told you Heather Graham has a crush on you? Yeah. That was fun. Can I just say thank you for mentioning that on air? I wanted to.

That's really cool. So I just had to end with that. Maybe we could put that on a loop. Yeah. You sure it wasn't Lindsey Graham? Hey, it's both, okay. Well, this is such a pleasure and I want to say I'm so happy for all of your tremendous success.

Oh, thank you. Both professionally and personally, and I am proud to know you. Oh. The end. Yay! Woo! What?

Aaron Blair, who you may be familiar with. We call him Blay. Blay. Blay has been with me. I believe he started working on the show as an intern back when the TV show I think was in black and white. It was a long, long time ago. And then rose to prominence with our online stuff

and we did Clueless Gamer together and we've been joined at the hip for a long, long time. Well, he often takes a look at the Conan subreddit. And there is a new thread, a hearty discussion. Do you want to hear the subject? Well, admit I'm horrified. Don't be. Okay.

I don't want to embarrass. Do you know what a subreddit is? Yeah. It's the one that's beneath the reddit. Okay. Yeah, I don't know where you're right. All right. I think Conan is so attractive.

No, wait a minute. You said this is a hot debate. No, I said that's horrifying to me. I don't think I said debate. Did I say debate? You said a hot topic. Hot topic, yeah. Making it seem like it was something

that people were having a heated discussion about. Yeah, you sound like, well, you know, you say tomato, I say tomato. There are people out there that think Conan's attractive. And then of course, just as many people are firing back. I just mean it's a popular thread. Hey, see, that's nice. I've always liked Conan,

but now I'm starting to think of him as attractive. His personality is... What do you mean now I'm starting to think of him as attractive? You're just growing into it. Okay, I'm gonna shut up. Okay, go ahead. His personality is amazing and his sense of humor is great. I can't stop watching videos of him.

I just think he's so cute. Please tell me there's some Conan fan girls out there. Then the first comment is, come on, Conan, we know this is you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Damn it! I worked hard disguising myself. And someone's gone as far as to say,

I've thought this since I was a teen. Top five Conan's. Bearded Conan during writer strike. Conan showing off his long legs. Conan delivering Chinese food in NYC. Conan playing air guitar. Does this make you uncomfortable or do you love this? Uh, wow, let's see, both.

Okay. How about that, is that a fair answer? Yeah, I think so. It's a sushi roll. There's a discomfort of rice and there's the, of course, hearty protein of someone out there who likes me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

What's that show, Crazy? Was it Crazy Stupid Love or whatever? What's that? The movie, yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy Stupid Love with Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling. The movie starts with, and I saw it in the movie theater

and the movie starts with Emma Stone saying, you know, I kind of think Conan and Brian's, you know. Is that right? Yeah, like, you know, and then immediately, and I was sort of, I was in the movie theater thinking, well, hello, you know, this is just about to pat myself on the back. And then the character she's talking to was like,

what are you talking about? Ha ha ha ha. You think I'd want to mess around with his ginger junk with what she said. I'm in the theater. And I'm sitting next to my wife. And my wife is like nodding. I'm like, yeah, tryna.

Tell me about it. Yeah, tell me about it. Ginger. She's there nodding like, my wife yelled out, preach. Ha ha ha ha. Amen. Been there. Been there and done that.

Oh my God. Yeah, and so, yeah, I've been humiliated. I've been humiliated many times. Come on. But you, you're focusing on that. But Emma Stone's character said you were attracted. Her character did. Come on.

But then someone wrote that, like, why can't you just be like, nice job, Cones. Well done. Okay. Yeah. Do you agree that, to me, it's funny that whenever something like that happens in my life, it's immediately followed by the other thing. Not this.

Not always. This whole thread is positive reinforcement. In fact, it folds in on itself. It says, this is the first time I'm reading this, gorely reading this thread to Conan on the podcast would be gold. And then the next comment is, as a dude who loves Conan and gorely for so many different reasons, please let this happen. Yes.

And then the next comment is, all caps, Conan in jeggings. Oh my God, I remember that. I remembered, I believe the three, the three Kardashian sisters were on that day. Yeah. That I wore jeggings. I think they were. Yeah. And then I walked out in the hall afterwards and was talking to them and realized,

he was chatting up the Kardashians as one does. And it looked like my lower half had been spray painted with an acid wash. I met Conan a few years back. I have had, will always have a huge crush on him. See, that's something you can't mitigate, like that's, that's undeniable. What's this guy's name? Lindsey Graham. I was so, I was so nervous that my, I was so nervous that my husband had to really push

me to talk to him so I don't think my hubby has any clue how hot for Conan I am or else he'd be jealous. I mean, I've seen it in person though, when we went on tour, there were a lot of people. There was a girl and it was in the documentary where she was wearing a shirt that said, dream in of bone and Conan. Oh wow. You know how much, how hard it was for me to make that shirt. I sold, I made them myself with iron on, with iron on letters and I sold them in the lobby

myself. By yourself. Yeah. So I'm going, I'd be like, ladies, so, you like most ladies who want to buy this shirt. I had a bad accent, you would like the bone and with Conan shirt. Sometimes it'd be like Conan, this is so sad. No, I'm not the Conan man. I am from the other country.

The other country. You hadn't even thought your character. I hadn't really given it a lot of thought. I was so busy making the bone and with Conan t-shirts that I had to get it out there. I got to share more of these. I mean, it goes against all my fiber by being to give you this joy, but he's the hottest. Here's another one. Oh my God.

OMG is how it was written in full disclosure. I have a huge crush on Conan since the seventh grade. I'm in my thirties now and he's still the hottest celebrity in my book. He's been my crush for 30 years. Wow. It's good. It's just. It goes on and on.

I mean, first thing how old I am. No. How do you hear that? I've been my crush for 75 years. This is on and on about how. I've had a crush on Grandma Moses since 1911. Do they mention us at all, girls? Not really.

No. What is that? Just crap. Yeah. It's okay. That's all right. Yes, girl. He is adorbs.

His personality and genuineness. Deaf helps too, heart. I'm a straight male. I think I'd let Conan have his way with me. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Finally, pay dirt. I've had a big crush on Conan since I was 13, 14. I'm almost 25 now and I still have a thing for him.

Some friends of mine in college would call me Conan after I started talking about my crush on him, LMAO. I even saw the show live in 2016 and he waved at me. I practically swooned. I think if I met him, I would die happy, LOL, wink wink. I remember waving at that audience member. Yeah. You're there slash how he's like my love.

Yeah. You're theirs. Right. That's a big celebrity crush. Ava Green. Really? Yeah. She's amazing.

Oh, yeah. I love her. Ava Green, she was Vesperlind in Casino Royale. Yeah, Vesperlind in the first. I knew she was a Bond girl. Yeah. In Casino Royale. Yeah.

She's the best one. My go-go heart. God, she's beautiful. And honestly too, Judy Greer, past guest in the show. Oh, oh, oh. Tell me about it. Yeah. I mean, she's a beautiful woman who's also hilarious and has an amazing personality.

Yeah. I was a little bit nervous when she was on. Yeah, I could tell. Yeah. She's pretty. Yeah. Kept frying. The one she tried to touch a strand of her hair.

I tried to snip it off. Yeah. Wait, who's your crush? There's two. Just over the years. There's got to be one. Oh, there are. Okay.

There are. You don't want to say? I guess it's different for you because you meet them and you know them and that's that weird. Don't be creeped out. Yeah. I think it is Amanda Seyfried as Elizabeth Holmes. The Theridose woman.

Yeah. With the voice. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, do that voice. Put on way too much lipstick. Now wear this black turtleneck. Now try and convince me you have a system for measuring blood with one drop that doesn't

work. That's it. That's it. I love you. That's my official kink. That's probably what sex life is like with her. Yeah. If I went to a dominatrix, I would say, could you, could you dress up as, it'd be like,

wait, what? Who's yours? Slash? Yeah. Oh yeah. Slash. I mean, before Slash, it was Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. He's the first boy that I was like, oh, but then Slash was my like, I mean, there's

no other way to say this. He was my sexual. Oh, that was what Blondie was to me. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. Oh my God.

That's the comic strip with Dagwood eating a giant sandwich. That was your crush. That's a joke. Don't talk about it too much. No one's going to get that. I love crushes. Yeah. I used to love having a crush.

It was awful, but I loved it. Yeah. In the early days of the late night show, I would have them, I mean, that's why that's too many. It was just, I was young and these beautiful women were coming on all the time and there were, I mean, I remember the first time Jennifer Connolly came on the show. And I had to go and have my eyes surgically removed because they just came popping out of my head.

Oh, good. No, I just, she's so beautiful and lovely. Just such a lovely person, but yeah, I was getting crushes all the time back in the day, the 90s. It's just one long crush-a-thon, but it's all in the past now for I'm married, ladies. And I won't be for long if I keep using this voice. Wait, you and the Pheronose woman get together with those two voices. Hello, Amanda Seyfried as Elizabeth Holmes, I would just to date you.

I don't think that's possible, I'm busy working on this mechanism, I dropped out of the Merkley after a sophomore year- I'm a boner killer. Well, I think we'd make a wonderful couple. I am Conan O'Brien from the 90s. You're Amanda Seyfried, as Elizabeth Holmes, I must have you. Okay, but first, I need you to invest $40 million in this very flawed machine that keeps exploding in Walgreens.

You're turning me on, you temptress. I want to put some erotic music under that. What a sad sexual fantasy, though. That's my sexual fantasy. I'm Conan O'Brien from the 90s, like 93, 94 when my voice is up here because I'm trying so hard to please. And I'm Amanda Seyfried playing Elizabeth Holmes. Hello, who is it?

Why, greetings! Portrayal of Elizabeth Holmes, it's I, Conan O'Brien from the early 90s, I've brought you flowers. Oh, if you could just put those flowers over in the corner, I'm working on taking apart this machine that we stole so that we can turn it into what looks like a Theranos machine to defraud investors. Well, it sounds like an erotic evening for us. Let's get to it.

I love that turtleneck. It swallows your whole head. Yeah, I'm wearing it, oh. You wouldn't happen to have $65 million. Oh, you're turning me on. I love being defrauded by you. Biographical portrayal of Elizabeth Holmes as played by Amanda Seyfried. I'm close.

I'm so close. Just talk to me a little more. Tell me how it's going to be in every Walgreens. Well, the plan is to have there be a wellness center in every Walgreens, and Kimmy D.V. we got there. That's right, that's how Conan O'Brien orgasms in 1994. Kimmy D.V.! Oh, God.

And a Dippity-Dabity-Doo. No, no. Where's my human resources button? I love, I love, I love my insistence on calling her dramatic portrayal. It's not Amanda Seyfried and it's not Elizabeth Holmes. It's Elizabeth Holmes as portrayed by Amanda Seyfried. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely.

Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Beckton. Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.